All language subtitles for Bad Cupid 2021 720p WEB-DL x264 ESubs

(soft piano music plays)

...

(♪♪♪)

♪ I love the way it hits me
and gets me all I need ♪

♪ Your lips pressed against mine
makes me weak at the knees ♪

♪ Is it you? ♪

♪ Is it me? ♪

♪ Overwhelmed again
'cause I can't see ♪

JARED'S FIANCÉE:
Oh, Jared.

♪ Got me hooked
on that thing called love ♪

JARED'S FIANCÉE:
It's so beautiful.

JARED:
No, you're so beautiful.

There's no one else
I'd rather spend

the rest of my life with.

My love, will you...

ARCHIE:
She's not for you.

JARED:
What the hell?

ARCHIE:
Pow!

- Hey!
- Oh.

That ring costs me 10 grand.

ARCHIE:
You were robbed.

And besides,
I've saved you

a lot more than that.

And as for you, honey,
you can do far better than him.

♪ Is it you? ♪

♪ Is it me? ♪

♪ Overwhelmed again
'cause I can't see ♪

♪ Got me hooked
on that thing called love ♪

ARCHIE:
Ah.

Ha-ha!

Still alive?

Hey!

(Laughing)

ARCHIE:
Hey!

Rise and shine!

(Laughing)

(♪♪♪)

Wow!

What a dinner.

That's got to be
the best Italian in the city.

I uh, kind of wanted
sushi tonight but...

Oh, how good was the pasta,
huh, babe?

I think the chef's from Sicily.

Tuscany.

And it's just so simple,
you know,

just chicken and mushrooms,
and spinach.

I think the recipe
was a lot more complicated

than that but...

Makes you wonder
why you'd ever want to eat

anywhere else.

We should take your parents
there next week.

We really shouldn't.

MAN IN PARK:
Spare some change.

Very generous.

Here, take this, too.

The chef's from Sicily.

Tuscany.

DAVE:
Enjoy.

Uh, could use something
to wash it down with.

Here.

Take this.

My man.

I thought he might be hungry.

That was sweet, Dave.

You know, uh,
we should try to make

some of that pasta.

Shut up about the pasta.

It wasn't that fucking good.

- It wasn't?
- No.

Yes.

I mean, like it was
and then it wasn't,

you know what I mean?

Not really.

Um, I'm sorry
I can't do this anymore.

Do what anymore?

Denise, do what anymore?

The... this.

You.
Us.

Like...

Denise, what are you saying?

I... I'm saying goodbye.

I'm breaking up with you.

What?
What?

- Why?
- Because I don't love you.

Yes, you do.

You've told me tons of times.

Well, I... I was wrong.

But what about us
getting married

after I graduate law school
like we talked about?

I'm sorry, Dave,
I'm just not feeling it.

Feeling what?

That spark.

You know, that magical moment
a girl's supposed to feel.

Like, it wasn't there
from the start.

Sure, it was.

It was very magical
when we met.

We met at the DMV.

I let you cut in front of me.

Uh.

- Nobody does that at the DMV.
- Okay.

Just... just try to understand,
okay?

So when I was a little girl,
I grew up watching

all these movies
and there was always

this magic moment.

Belle and Beauty and the Beast
had it and...

Oh, oh,
and Demi Moore in Ghost.

God, even Sarah Connor
in the Terminator had it.

I...
I just don't feel that with you.

(Sighs)

Oh, come on, say something.

So you can't be in love
with someone

unless they're a ghost,
a monster or someone

sent back in time to protect you
from a cyborg assassin.

Exactly.

- Oh, you got it.
- No!

I don't got it at all.

Life's not like the movies
where there's this big

dramatic moment
with all the bells and whistles

or getting hit by cupid's arrow
when you meet someone.

Okay, I want there to be.

Oh, Denise.

Be reasonable.

Love isn't supposed
to be reasonable.

But I'd do anything for you.

Would you though?

Like would you really?

Of course, I would.

Uh, I'm... I'm... I'm sorry.

Goodbye, Dave.

She got one thing right,
pasta was good,

but it wasn't that fucking good.

(♪♪♪)

♪ Oh, Denise, please spare me ♪

♪ My fragile heart
is shattering ♪

♪ I thought
we were meant to be ♪

♪ Now, I'm left alone again ♪

♪ Oh, Denise,
please spare me ♪

MORRIS:
Aww.

Hey! Why isn't the game on?

Huh?

I just called in
two large with my bookie.

(TV playing)

Okay.

Yeah, bitch!
Come on!

Run!

(Laughs)

MORRIS:
Ooh, run!

(Groans)

Touchdown!

Cover the spread, baby.

That's another big win for me.

And when I, Cousin Marissa,
a.k.a. Morris the Magnificent

the Mo Money,
the Big Mo Pho-Wins,

say it with me, cuz.

- I don't care!
- MORRIS: We all win.

You don't care.

What the fuck?

What do you mean
you don't care?

What are you looking at?

My calendar.

It's been exactly a year
since Denise and I broke up.

Uh, you didn't break up.

She dumped you
in front of a homeless man.

What?

You have the date circled
with a little heart drawn

- cracked in half?
- No!

I just...

It was a rhetorical
fucking question.

My God!

All right!

Oh, if I had known
this was gonna be a pity party,

I would have brought over
a couple of bottles of wine,

some razors and we could
have gotten drunk

and shaved our vaginas together.

I thought we're gonna
watch football.

(Chuckles)

You do know what you're doing,
don't you?

Yes! I do, Morris!

I'm missing the girl I love.

Not missing, clinging.

And as far as I am concerned,
that is the kind

of emotional behavior
that makes me wanna disown you

from the family
or at the very least

punch you in the face.

I can't help it
if I'm not over our breakup.

Again, not break up
because she dumped you.

What difference does it make?

You're idealizing
the relationship

and you are idolizing her.

Do you think that she decided
that night to end things?

(Laughs)

Anytime a woman
breaks up with you,

that is months in the making.

Years, even.

I mean, men are just too stupid
to see it coming.

And what do you know about it?

I mean, your longest
relationship has lasted

no longer than a night.

Okay, you're exaggerating
a little bit.

I mean, like three,
four hours tops.

Pretty much midway through
the third orgasm

I am calling an Uber.

(Laughs)

Davey, look.

You had her, you lost her,
and now she's gone.

Yeah?

Besides, if you really
wanna pay Denise back,

best and most effective way
to do that is to live

a happily ever after
without her.

It's not about paying her back.

I just want her back.

I'm never gonna find someone
as good as her again.

Bullshit!

The world is filled
with beautiful women.

I should know.

I have dated half of them.

(Laughs)

MORRIS: Do you mean to tell
me that your tiny corner

of Buffalo, New York
turned out the best

possible girl for you?

Your soul mate?

I don't think it, I know it.

All right, well, all I know
is that this is not the Dave

that I know.

This is not the kid
whose butt I wiped,

coddled, and kicked
while growing up

and molded into a guy
that was cool enough

to hang out with me,
you know what I mean?

My Dave would never have fallen
so hard

that he couldn't get back up
again.

What can I say?

She's the one.

Well, so what are you
gonna do about it?

Hmm?

Gonna be miserable
the rest of your life?

I don't know.

(Clears throat)

Give me your cell phone.

- What?
- What?

- What?
- Phone.

No!
Why?

Give it to me!
Give it to me!

- (Dave grunts)
- Oh my God!

You still have this picture
on your phone?

Wow!

When a selfie can capture
true love like this,

you have got to take pause.

How many likes
did this get again?

Can I have my phone back,
please?

Dave, this is for your own good.

Please!

I'm begging you,
move the fuck on!

I can't!
Okay?

I'm in too much pain.

No!

That is pain.

Do not confuse it with misery.

That hurt!

Just illustrating
a crucial point.

Pain is transitory.

In a few minutes
you are gonna feel much better,

but you're still
going to be miserable.

- (Laughs)
- (Gasps)

I bet you have like
a thousand photos of Denise

- on this phone.
- Morris!

- Morris! No!
- MORRIS: Yup!

Hey! Hey, hey!

Morris!

Let's just give it a second
to get a nice sear.

Damn it, Morris!

MORRIS:
Ah, yes!

Yeah, smells done to me.

Oh.

Medium rare.

- (Sniffles)
- Aah.

It's all backed up on the Cloud,
anyway.

Oh, the Cloud.

Well, Dave,
that is beyond my reach.

It is up to the gods now
to figure out

what to do with you.

Whoop!
Brrr, it's cold!

Fuck!

Maybe give me a break, okay?

You know, show like
a little bit of sympathy.

David,
you are like a brother to me

and I would take
a bullet for you,

but I will give you nothing
that I haven't given you before,

which is the hard truth
and tough love.

So what if I have hope
and I'm still holding on to it?

You're a gambler,
you have hunches you stick with,

kind of the same thing, right?

No, no, no, no.
I am a winning gambler.

I don't play hunches,
I play the odds.

I play with
statistical probability

and scientific facts.

Where is the evidence
that Denise wants you back, huh?

Just because
you want her back, too?

No. There just still has to be
a chance.

Sure there is.

Why don't you give her a call?

Later.

(Door creaks then slams)

(♪♪♪)

The least you can do
is say sorry.

You're a real asshole, you know.

MRS. FISHBAUM:
You should clean that up.

You hipsters have
already done enough

to ruin the neighborhood.

DAVE:
Good morning, Mrs. Fishbaum.

Perfect timing.

Onion bagels
just came out of the oven.

Do you know that poppy seed
shows up as heroin

in your blood?

My son's a doctor.

He tells me these things.

That's very interesting.

I wouldn't want you
to fail a drug test, David,

because you ate
a poppy seed bagel before.

I appreciate the tip,
I will try to keep that in mind.

A young man like you
must do a lot of drugs

to still work as a bagel boy.

As I mentioned before,
this is just

a temporary situation
while I'm still

in law school, Mrs. F.

Do you know
that this coffee shop

used to be a part
of the old neighborhood

Jewish Community Center?

(Sighs)

I met my husband
right at that table.

(Sniffles)

Do you know
what I hope for, David?

I hope I'll see him
sitting there again.

What would you say to him?

Oh, I love you.

I hate you.

(Dave Chuckles)

Oh, I miss you.

- I'm horny.
- Okay.

(Sighs)

(Archie groans)

All right.

Yeah, send an ambulance
to the corner of Grant

and Elmwood,
there's been an accident.

MRS. FISHBAUM: David,
have you ever met my granddaughter?

Too bad for you, David,
she's gay.

Based on her past
relationships,

she has very low standards.

In fact, she would have gone out
with you even though

you just make bagels for living.

Just a temporary situation,
Mrs. F.

I don't do as many drugs as you,
but I do smoke marijuana

for my arthritis, my glaucoma.

Maybe we could get
high together sometime.

Hmm?

On second thought,
you probably couldn't handle

the shit I smoke.

Mrs. Fishbaum,
I bet Snoop Dogg

couldn't handle
the shit you smoke.

(Archie laughs)

Let's get this show on the road.

Love!

Fuck!

Oh my God, I am so sorry.

Are you all right?

I am now.

(♪♪♪)

Hello.

If you came here to give me
more grief, go home.

- I don't need it.
- No.

I came here to apologize.

I was really rough on you
and I am sorry.

You cremated my damn cell phone.

Let me make amends.

Fly to Vegas with me.

(Scoffs)

Dude, I will take care
of everything.

We can leave tonight.

I can't just fly to Vegas, okay?

Unlike you,
I have responsibilities.

Oh, come on,
I'm trying to make nice here.

Vegas will make you forget
all about the fact

that you don't have Denise
to fuck anymore.

Huh?

Oh, he is a very smooth lover.

Yeah.

I'm... I'm his cousin,
so I wouldn't know but...

enjoy your latte.

Why must you reduce everything
to its basis element?

Mm, at its basis,

not having sex with Denise
is what you miss the most.

Well, it's not.

It's much more than that.

All right, it's her.

Okay, you're telling me,
Denise comes walking

through that door right now,
she says, "Dave, I'm back,

but you can never
sleep with me again."

You're honestly
gonna accept that?

You cannot be that far gone?

Can you?

No, I'm not,
but that's not the point.

It is the only point
that matter.

- (Growls)
- Stay!

(Growls)

David!

If you don't believe me,
maybe you will believe

the magic bagel.

Whoomp!

Whoomp!

The magic bagel
sees all and tells all,

"Come boy.

Come, come, come.

The magic bagel
will not be denied."

You are certifiable.

- Okay, you looking?
- Yes, I'm looking.

Well, now, magic bagel predicts
that you will have

an amazing time in Vegas.

And in fact, if you don't,
a curse will befall you

and you might end up dead
or worse have no fun.

(Siren wailing)

Wow.

Magic bagel doesn't lie.

Life is short, Dave,
and you only get one.

Get on with the good times, huh?

Ew, gross.

(Indistinct chatter
in background)

(Breathing deeply)

DENISE:
Never again.

BEST FRIEND:
Well, never again.

You know, it's been a year
since Dave and I broke up.

You mean it's been a year
since you dumped him

in front of a homeless man?

He was a great guy,
though.

Yeah, a great guy
who you may think

you would marry
and then kicked in the gut

and ripped his heart out.

Well, I don't understand
why he never tried

to see me again.

I'm just saying.

What if I made
the wrong decision?

What if there's something left
unfinished between me and Dave?

Denise!

Girl, I'm your best friend.

I support you
a thousand percent.

I know it's an emotional time
for you right now

and your heart
can play tricks on you.

But if you think
your subconscious is really

telling you something,
maybe you should listen.

(Sighs)

(♪♪♪)

♪ The chance is low ♪

♪ I should just go on
because the chance is low ♪

- (Indistinct lyrics)
- (Slot machine chiming)

♪ The chance is low ♪

♪ I should just go on ♪

♪ Because the chance is low ♪

MORRIS:
Now pay attention.

There are a lot of hotties here.

Ooh, anxious to help you
mend your broken heart

just so they can experience
the sheer joy of smashing it

into pieces again.

Perfect.

Can you just try to forget
about your depressing obsession

with Denise for a little while
and have some fun?

Fun, fun, fun!

Remind me what's so fun
about approaching one girl

after another,
yelling some bogus rap

over loud music in the hopes
that she'll give me the honor

of buying her a drink,
which she'll likely refuse,

anyway.

I guarantee you,
every girl in there

will let you buy her a drink.

Yeah?
And why is that?

Hmm, 30 bucks each,
they will let you buy them two.

Yeah?
Why not?

Broke, heartbroken,
and I got to wait in line

an hour for some place
that I don't wanna be in?

You know what?

You're right,
this line does suck.

And I am far from wasted enough
not to care.

Yeah. All right,
I'm gonna take a walk,

smoke some,
play a little blackjack

while you hold
our place in line.

Dude, if you want,
you can come with,

we can get back
and do this later.

Just go.

I don't wanna prolong
this torture any longer

than I have to.

(Breathes deeply)

How are you related to me?

Oh my God.

(Sighs)

You know, if it were me
trying to get over somebody,

getting high sounds like
a pretty good start.

I can hold your place in line.

Thanks. Uh, I think
I'll wait it out here.

You know, long lines
are actually why

I sometimes go clubbing.

- Seriously?
- Sure.

Best place to meet somebody
isn't inside where it's nothing

but bullshit pickup lines
from conceited jerks

trying to act cool.

It's out here.

Before everyone has a chance
to put their club faces on.

So if we were in there,
you'd think I was a jerk

but out here,
I'm still a contender?

I don't know yet.

How convincing
is your club face?

- Hey, baby.
- (Chuckles)

How would you like
to have a drink with the king?

Elvis, really?

Are you trying to pick up
my grandmother?

You can't say no
to Elvis in Vegas.

(Scoffs)

Okay.

All right.

Okay.

How's this?

I couldn't help but notice you
from the moment

I saw you outside in line.

I think it's your smile
or maybe your eyes.

But whatever it is,

I'd really like
to buy you a drink.

And who's that supposed to be?

Just me.

Not bad, just you.

(Chuckles)

I'm still not letting you
buy me a drink though.

(Groans)

No, again?

That was my best shot.

Like I said,
clubs aren't really my thing.

I will let you buy me
a big piece of chocolate cake.

(Laughs)

That sounds delicious,

but I don't think
that they serve that here.

- They don't.
- DAVE: Hmm.

You can order it
from room service.

(Exhales)

Second thoughts?

Sounds tempting.

I mean, you're...
you're gorgeous

but it doesn't really jibe
with my long-term plans.

I see.

We really can just eat cake.

That would be okay with you?

Definitely.

What about your friend?

Cousin. Morris.
Don't worry.

She always finds something
to keep herself entertained.

Besides,
when she sees I'm gone,

she'll just assume I went
to the hotel to be alone.

Well, she'll only be half
right then.

(Chuckles & exhales)

Still can't believe
you're from Buffalo.

(Laughs)

Believe it or not,
it's on my birth certificate.

You really were okay
with just eating cake, huh?

Chocolate cake has brought me
far more pleasure

than most men ever have.

Maybe you're dating
the wrong men.

(♪♪♪)

♪ One more time, roll me over ♪

♪ Keep it cool,
keep my thoughts in order ♪

♪ Pupil's wide, inch closer ♪

♪ Flashbacks make
a real takeover ♪

♪ I said,
hey, well, not today ♪

♪ Keep it straight
'cause my world keeps spinning ♪

♪ World keeps spinning ♪

♪ Hey, well, not today ♪

♪ Keep it straight
'cause my world keeps spinning ♪

- (Cellphone rings)
- ♪ Hello ♪

♪ This is your cousin ♪

(Dave groans)

♪ She is calling ♪

♪ She is calling you ♪

♪ Hello ♪

♪ This is... ♪

Hello?

What the hell happened
to you last night?

I waited in that line
for like ever

only to not find you
when I got inside.

I never went in.

I knew it!

You went running to hide
in your hotel room.

Well, serves you right
because we had a crazy time.

Ooh!

Those Cirque du Soleil people
really know how to party.

(Groans)

Ow!
Hey, hold up, Dave.

Au revoir, mademoiselle.

(Chuckles)

Your Uber is on the way.

Oh, merci mon cheri, Morris.

I will see you later, no?

Oh, ew, yeah.

Oui, oui, why not?

Hey, that Celine Dion
roleplaying thing

we did last night, yo...

(Imitates explosion),

mind blowing.

I have a newfound appreciation
for the French-Canadian culture.

(Smack lips)

Do you wanna go
to a Celine Dion concert

with me tonight?

Are you still high?

No, I don't wanna go anywhere.

David, I didn't fly you
to Vegas so you could hide

in your hotel room
and whack off

to memories of Denise.

(Screams)

DAVE: (On phone) Not that it
matters but I wasn't by myself

last night, okay?

Came back here with a girl
I met in line.

Oh.
Wait, wait, wait.

Wait. Wait, what?

What?

You picked up a chick in line?

Oh my God.

Hallelujah!

David has risen from the dead

and he's back in the game,
folks!

It's an erection,
a resurrection!

- Morris?
- MORRIS: (On phone) Oh my God.

Which one was it?

I wanna guess, don't tell me.

Hmm.

Tall brunette, tight jeans,
red top.

Standing right in front of us?

(Scoffs)

MORRIS: (On phone)
Yes?

Dude, I approve!

And would totally take
that action.

DAVE: (On phone)
Her name is Stella.

Believe it or not,
she's from Buffalo.

And there wasn't supposed to be
any action, we just came back

to the room to hang and talk,
but she was really nice

and one thing led to another...

And yeah, yeah, yeah?

Now, I'm so riddled with guilt,
I feel sick.

If Denise was to ever
find out about the...

it'd blow our shot
of getting back together.

Hm-hmm.

Okay, wait, wait, wait.

Now, you are telling me
that you feel guilty,

because you think
you betrayed Denise by being

with someone else last night.

Yes.

Ohh, okay.

You know what?
See somebody, Dave.

See someone immediately
with a lot of fancy diplomas

on the wall
and a very liberal approach

to shock therapy.

Dude, she's your ex.

Man, your ex-girlfriend.

Like in order
for it to be cheating,

you have to actually be
in a relationship

with that person.

Like how is this concept
entirely lost on you?

I don't expect you
to understand.

Guilt isn't something
you're exactly familiar with.

Hmm, all right.

I feel guilty about
not feeling guilty,

so, I mean, that should count
for something, right?

Has it ever occurred to you
that while you are feeling

so sick over betraying Denise
that she is out there

screwing someone else?

I don't
even want to think about that.

Maybe you should.

Maybe you should, Dave!

You know.

You think Denise took a vow
of celibacy when she left you?

Ha-ha, no!

Denise is right in the middle
of her,

"I am free to fuck
whoever I want" world tour.

I mean, you should check
her Instagram,

because she's probably
selling T-shirts.

(Muffled scream)

I refuse to accept
that it's over for us.

(Knocking on door)

Come back later.

(Knocking continues)

I said come back later!

(Banging on door)

I'm getting her back, Morris.

I'm getting Denise back.

I give up, little cousin.

You are living on hope
and I'm afraid

you're gonna starve to death.

You can't make her love you,
Dave.

No one can.

This is a really good cake.

(♪♪♪)

(Door hinges squeak)

Aah.

Yo!

Hmmm...

You keep crawling out
of the hole.

- Oh, okay.
- Whoop!

- Whoop!
- Bam!

(Gasps)

You have been hibernating
since we came back from Vegas.

I feel much better.

I got a new perspective
on the situation.

- Yeah?
- Hmmm.

Okay, now.

This...

This is what I like to hear,
man.

Okay.

Listen, if it was something
that I said.

- Mm-mm.
- You're welcome.

But if not, I don't even care
because you are back.

We got to celebrate.

Two shots of bourbon, please.

And thank you.

- That a new haircut?
- No.

Dude, isn't he cute?

To my Cousin Dave.

Welcome back.

- You were sorely missed.
- Mhmm.

- One more toast.
- Mhmm.

- To Denise.
- (Clears throat)

Who at this very moment
is right across the street.

- Across the street?
- Yup.

That's your new perspective?

You just decided to stalk her?

No, I simply am not waiting
for her to come back.

No more waiting.

I'm going to her.

I called in at the florist
that she works at and said

that she quit to go work
at Clara's Catering.

I went over there.

They said they're all working
at church function today.

That church.

So now you're gonna go
over there and just talk to her.

- Yeah, I have to.
- Okay.

David, there are only
a certain few things

that people have to do in life;
shit, breathe, eat, and sleep.

Emasculation, degradation,
uh-uh-uh-uh, humiliation,

these are all totally voluntary.

There's no talking me
out of this, okay?

I have to go to her.

I have to tell her
that I love her.

That I would do
anything for her.

That our love is magical.

- Magical.
- (Laughing)

Oh, yeah.

Can you just get some more?

David, where did you get
this profoundly unrealistic

vision of love, man?

You know, a year ago,

I would have said
the same thing.

I expressed the same thing
to Denise the night

that she left me.

But she was right
and I was wrong.

She needs that movie moment
from me.

MORRIS:
Mhmm.

So, now you're gonna go
over there and see her.

- Yeah.
- MORRIS: Yeah?

Yeah!

MORRIS: This grand gesture
of love that Denise cannot

- possibly refuse.
- Yeah!

- Yeah?
- Yeah!

Yeah.

Okay,
I've got news for you, Davie.

Cupid does not exist.

He doesn't, I'm sorry.

And if he did,
he certainly wouldn't be

some freak pudgy guy
in a diaper running around

bringing people together
who are destined to spend

eternity with one another.

I mean, think about it.

With divorce, adultery?

As far as I am concerned,
he is a sick sadistic loser

with a short guy complex.

Hmmm.

Okay.

Look.

If you're really set
on doing this,

then just do it right.

Talk to her,
lay it all on the line,

but whatever happens,
you got to live with it, yeah?

Jesus Christ.

Okay.

Darling, will you please,
please keep the drinks coming.

Thank you.

(Clears throat)

Well, if the booze
doesn't give you

a little liquid courage,
then maybe you'll get lucky

and pass out drunk
before you make it to the door.

(♪♪♪)

Here's to happy endings!

So you live around here?

Are you trying to pick me up?

What?

No, no.

- (Laughs)
Of course not.

Why do you wanna know
where I live?

You wanna come around
and have a barbeque

- or something?
- Trying to make conversation.

ARCHIE:
Try harder.

Sorry?

Why are you sorry?

Sorry about my attempt
to make conversation?

Why should you be concerned
whether I find your conversation

interesting or not?

I'm not.

Do I know you?

Do you think you know me?

No, but...

Then you probably don't.

(♪♪♪)

Don't you have to do
something somewhere?

Ah...

Oh!

Yeah.

Then go do it.

Yeah.

(Groans)

(Bell tolling)

(♪♪♪)

Excuse me.

I'm looking for Denise,
Denise Rubino?

Someone said
she was working here today?

Not today she isn't.

Hey, I just said
she wasn't working today.

I didn't say she wasn't here.

Be careful,
this place is a maze.

You may not find your way back.

(Women giggling)

BEST FRIEND:
Well, was I right?

She looks like a fairy tale.

BRIDESMAIDS:
Aw.

(All giggling)

(Screaming)

Oh shit!

What was that?

(Groaning)

David?

David Steinbeck.

MORRIS:
Oh God.

Oh, boy.

Dave?

(Groans)

Excuse me.

How long has he been like this?

About half hour, 45 minutes?

Maybe he's autistic
or something.

PTSD.

My uncle looked just like that
when he came back from Nam.

When you're finished
diagnosing the patient,

can I have another one?

- Hmm.
- Hey.

Hi, it's me Morris.

Try to remember why you left me
the voicemail?

All I could make out
was some grunting and something

about fucking Faye Dunaway.

Denise's fucking wedding day.

What?
Come again?

Denise's fucking wedding day!

Oh.

I mean, that does sound
like fucking Faye Dunaway.

(Dave breathes deeply)

She's getting married.

Morris, she's getting married
in just a couple of hours.

MORRIS: What did she
say when she saw you?

She didn't see me, I ran away.

Yeah, play hard to get, that's...

Well, listen, Dave.

I know this won't
make sense right now

and it might not make sense
for a very long time

but I promise,
this is the best thing

that could ever happened to you.

My soul mate is getting married
and you think

that this the best thing
that could ever happen to me?

Yeah, I absolutely do.

- And you wanna know why?
- No!

Why is she marrying
someone else?

This is just a stab
in the dark, but,

I mean, maybe she is in love
with the guy.

Oh, no, no.

(Groaning)

(Sighs)

All right, you know what?
Let's go.

We got to get you
at least a 100 feet away

from wherever Denise
is getting married.

- All right.
- Come on.

You have to help me
to the men's room first.

I'mma throw up.

MORRIS:
Okay, we can do that.

We can do that.

Here we go.
Come on.

Oh, boy.

Come on.

Okay.

There we go.

There we go.

ARCHIE: Well, ain't it just
nice to have someone to lean on

in time of need.

Weren't you just sitting down
at the bar?

You're the piss monitor?

No.

I just... I didn't see you
get up or walk by.

I'm the fucking invisible man.

Now, can I get past you
to my drink, please

or do I have to wait
until he pukes on my kicks?

- Excuse me.
- Okay.

Okay.

There you go.

Oh.
Oh, boy.

Hold your ponytail.

Yup.

Try not to fall in
when you bend over.

Somebody forget to flush.

Let's get out of here.

I thought you want to throw up.

I'm fine.
Let's get out of here.

I thought you had to throw up.

I'm fine.
Let's go, now!

Whoa, whoa.
What did you see?

What's in the stall, man?

(Screaming)

Oh, God!

Who the hell is that?

Why is he wearing a tuxedo?

I... I don't know!
Okay?

Let's just go before the same
thing happens to us!

Who would do that to us?

Jesus, who would do that to him?

You're the gambler but my money
is on the crazy

English fucker at the bar!

The guy who came out
as we were coming in.

No way.

But I bet you're right.

What?

Would you come?

(Gasps)

MORRIS: Okay, but why would
he still be sitting out there

if nothing happened?

Wait, what if we're wrong?

What if he just had
to go to bathroom

and doesn't even know anything
about the other guy in here.

Do you really wanna stay
and find out?

What? We can't just walk
right out past him now.

If he did do it,
then he will assume

that we saw something.

DAVE:
Shit, he's coming.

MORRIS:
Go, go!

He's coming.

(Clattering)

Oh, okay.

Let's find...

Window!
Window now!

Houdini couldn't escape
through that.

Okay. But maybe if we're lucky,
he will think that we did.

Goddamnit!

Hide in there.

Whoo!
Okay.

We need weapons.

Yeah.

Ha-ha!

Why do you get the plunger?
What the hell am I gonna use?

The power of your love
for Denise.

I don't give a shit.

Oh, shit,
he's gonna see our feet.

Get up!
Get up.

DAVE:
Oh, shit.

I don't wanna die like this,
stuck in a...

a dirty bathroom stall
of a dive bar with you.

Shhh.
Shut, shh.

(Door clicks open)

(Door bangs)

ARCHIE:
Oh, my.

Those two must have escaped out
of this narrow little window.

I guess I better leave now.

But first,
I'll use the bathroom.

This stall is taken.

(Sighs)

DAVE:
Yah!

(Grunting)

De toilet.

The toilet!

- What does it mean?
- It just seemed...

Get the fuck out of that toilet!

(Morris groans)

Please, don't kill us.

Why would I want to kill you?

Ah, well, I've...

All right, listen, mister.

Mister?

- Archie.
- Okay.

- Archie.
- Okay, Archie.

- Archie.
- MORRIS: Archie.

The guy in the stall,
you didn't, did you?

Yes, I did.

- Why?
- ARCHIE: For you, Dave.

For me?
What are you talking about?

I don't even know who that is.

You don't know who that is?

He is absolutely pivotal
to your future happiness

and you don't know who he is.

(Door opens)

I'm terribly sorry, sir.

Sir, we're cleaning here.

I got to go!

We've all got to go
sometimes, sir.

You probably sooner than most.

Right.

Now, where was I?

The... the...
the guy in the stall.

Ah, yes, yes, yes!

The guy in the stall.

Right.

Meet Henry.

- Henry Cherkis.
- Henry Cherkis?

Who the hell is Henry Cherkis?

Henry Cherkis as in
Mr. and Mrs. Henry Cherkis

or more specifically,

Mr. and Mrs. Henry
and Denise Cherkis.

Holy shit!

Holy shit!

Uh...

This is the guy
that Denise is marrying?

ARCHIE:
Yep, in about three hours' time.

Mind you,
I think you're a lot

cuter than him.

Okay, that explains the tux.

It doesn't explain
why you beat him,

tied him up,
and brought him here.

Well, of course, it does,
so that she wouldn't marry him.

I mean, how are you going
to get her back

if she gets married?

- I still don't understand.
- What?

This isn't brain surgery.

Look, you cannot have
a marriage if the groom

is not there.

- Am I right?
- Yeah, uh, yeah.

I think I see
what you're trying to do here.

So you see, Dave,
this is your great opportunity.

You are going to have a chance
to do something

that very few men in life
ever get the chance to do.

You have a chance
of bringing back the one

that got away and taking her
on the very day that she's due

to get married to somebody else.

Wow!
Isn't that exciting?

Hey!
I think it's exciting!

Wow.
Right?

Oh.

Excuse me, one moment.

Ooh.

Okay, I...
I still don't understand

how you know about me
and Denise.

Come on, Dave.

For God's sake, man.

Look!

Why does it matter
if how I know what I know, hey?

Of course, it matters.

You nearly beat someone
to death on my behalf

and I don't even know
who you are or why you did it.

On the first point,
I did not beat him to death,

I merely rendered
him unconscious.

Secondly, you know my name!

And thirdly,
you know what I want to do.

Now, any more information
is totally superfluous.

Look, I don't want
any part of this, okay?

So just let us go
and get that guy in there.

Henry, Henry.

- Henry.
- Yeah.

Some help and I...
we'll uh, just uh, you know,

forget we ever saw this.

Oh, I... unfortunately,
I don't think

we're ever gonna forget this.

You know,
you're really worrying me

because right at the moment,
I... I... I'm...

I confess I'm surprised
by your response.

Surprised?

You expect me to bring
the gasoline to torch his body?

Whoa, whoa, okay.

Archie,
not that Dave is not grateful

and this isn't a tremendous
gesture of...

of support on your part,

but what I think
Dave is saying...

I don't give a fuck
what Dave thinks

he's trying to say.

Nor do I appreciate
any assistance from somebody

who has to rely
on a complete stranger

to do the job that she should
have done herself

for her best friend.

You expected me
to kidnap the groom?

Oh.
Was I supposed to do that?

No!
No!

Of course, not!
This guy is insane.

I would do...
I would do anything for you!

Stop! Stop! Stop!

All right, all right, all right.

(Exhales)

Let's just...

I don't want any part of this.

ARCHIE:
Part of this?

Oh, Dave,
you're the whole of this.

Bullshit!

Okay. I didn't do this,
you did.

Let's get out of here.
I'm calling the cops.

Okay.

You go call the cops.

And in the meantime,
I'm gonna drown Henry here

in the toilet.

By the time the cops get here,
poor Henry is going to be dead.

(Clicks tongue)

And then you're gonna have
a little dilemma,

aren't you,
because I'm going to tell them

that I saw you dragging him
into the toilet.

And you,
the demented, obsessive,

possessive ex-boyfriend
of the divine and lovely Denise

is going to have to explain
how her husband-to-be

ended up dead meeting you
on the very morning

of their marriage.

- We are fucked.
- How can we be fucked, okay?

(Stutters)

This is all his doing.

We didn't do any of this.

I know that and you know that,

but even I would believe
his story over ours.

Why are you doing this to me?

All's fair in love and war.

And you want to know why?

There's not much difference
between the two.

What the hell
does that even mean?

What it means is this,
you do whatever you can,

whenever you can,
however you can in order to win.

True that.

Every gambler is looking
for a competitive edge.

And what's your edge?

Let me show you your edge.

This is Henry here.

Henry here is your main rival
for Denise's affections.

And as we can see...

(Laughs)

Henry here is in no position
to fight you over her.

Am I right, Henry?

Am I right?

Okay.

Good boy.

Nice job.

Nice job.

So instead of hanging around
and bitching and moaning,

why don't you take
this opportunity

that presents itself
and get back the girl

you claimed
that you are in love with?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm sure the kidnapping
and beating of her fiancé

is exactly the thing
that's gonna convince her

that she should be with me.

It is a little romantic.

What?

Shakespearean, really,
even if you think about it.

Stop talking, Morris.

A guy willing to go
to this extreme to win back

the woman that he loves.

Oh, fantastic attitude, Morris!

Huh, thank you!

ARCHIE:
Whoa!

Archie.

ARCHIE:
Yeah.

Come on.

We're talking about assault
and kidnapping here.

Are you saying that you do not
want Denise back?

Of cour... I do... I...

Because you said
you'd do anything

- to get her back.
- I would, I...

Ah, but you didn't
actually mean that.

- DAVE: I did.
- No, no, no, no, no.

What you meant was
you would do anything

as long as it was simple,
neat, and nobody got hurt.

DAVE: Yeah.
Is there something wrong with that?

Oh, there's nothing wrong
with that at all.

Except for the fact
that the bloody world

doesn't work that way!

This is the way the world
fucking works!

(Dave grunting)

You pollyannish shithead!

(Duck quacking ringtone)

Nobody curious?

MORRIS:
It's from Denise.

Oh, no!

Ooh!

"Know I made you promise
not to see me before wedding

but where are you?

You should
have been here by now.

#coldfeet?

LOL."

Oh, L-O-L.

I love that.

Oh!

Oh, wow!

And she's given him
an emoji kissy face.

(Imitates smooching sound)

Oh, I fucking love those.

Do you get a lot of those?

(Imitates smooching sound)

(Laughing)

Oh, I love it.

Does she ever do that with you?

ARCHIE:
Hey, Dave!

How about we send Denise
a nice message?

L-O-L.

(Grunts)

DAVE:
Stop, stop, stop!

(Grunting)

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

Look.
Okay.

Look, I appreciate
what you're doing,

I really do.
Thank you.

You're... you're very terrific,
obviously insane,

but caring guy to take the time
to help me out,

but I've changed my mind.

I'm over Denise,
I don't want her anymore,

so just let him go.

We'll all go on our merry way.

Nobody's going
on their merry way.

No.

Oh, come on, Dave,
live in the real world.

Do you think Henry here
is gonna forget

all about this
if we close shop and run?

Yeah, he will.

You will, won't you?

See?

- You trust him?
- Yeah, sure.

Well, shouldn't you
get to know him a bit more

before you trust him?

I... I don't think that
that's necessary.

Well, I do think it's necessary.

All right,
let's find a few

trust-making questions,
shall we?

Oh, one immediately
comes to mind.

Why don't you ask him
when did you start

fucking Denise?

What?

When did you start
sleeping with Denise?

I'm not asking him that.

Okay, okay,
let's try it a different way.

When did you
and Denise break up?

I don't remember.

(Mouths)
Come on.

(Archie laughs)

You obsess over this girl 24/7
and you can't remember

when you broke up?

Well, let's pull it up
the ether, shall we?

So say about 12 months ago.

How did you know that?

One question at a time, Dave.

And right now...

(Henry muffling)

Now, the pertinent question is

when did you first
start fucking Denise?

Henry, focus, focus,

because I'm only gonna ask you
nicely once.

HENRY:
It's two years.

Two years ago.

ARCHIE:
Two years ago?

Wait a minute, my maths.

Let's see,
that means you were fucking her

one year before she dumped you.

He's lying.

ARCHIE: Oh, he can't be
lying, you trust him.

Say you're lying,
you son of a bitch.

Admit that you're lying.

ARCHIE: Maybe we can ask him
a few more interesting...

- Say that you're lying!
- Hey! Hey!

All right, you can stop.

You made your point,
you can stop.

ARCHIE:
Oh, oh.

Okay.
All right.

No more questions.

Sorry, Henry,
that means we don't need

any more answers.

So thank you, Henry,
you did well.

You did very well.

(Sighs)

Who are you, for real?

I wanna know exactly
who you are.

Sincerely,
I don't think it's a good idea

to mess with this guy, okay?

Is it okay to come in?

Just one more minute, sir.

Thank you.

Right, thank you.

I...

Good, good.

Okay, you can do this.

Good.

Good.

You can come in now, sir.

Come in, sir.

Come in.

Oh, pay no attention
to the girl.

This is a unisex bathroom.

Okay.

Feel free to launch
when necessary.

(Old man sighs)

ARCHIE:
Oh, I know that feeling.

- Oh.
- ARCHIE: Oh, yes.

Ah, don't worry about this
new crew in training.

Ah.

Going well, hey?

(Old man sighs)

ARCHIE:
Okay.

Are you still choking
that python, sir?

(Laughs)

Yes, sir,
you take your time.

OLD MAN:
Oh, I'm good.

- Good?
- OLD MAN: Yeah.

Yeah.

Yes!

Oh.

Boy, you needed that.

- Whoo.
- ARCHIE: Oh-ho.

Wash the hands.

Good, man.

For you, sir.

(Mouthing)
What the fuck is going on?

Allow me.

Why, thank you, sir.

Thank you.
Thank you.

And in return,
let me give you this.

It will bring you good luck.

You come back
in a few beers now.

(Exhales)

Oh, Jesus.

Right.

Now, very soon
we will have an avalanche

of happy-hour misfits
descending on the place.

So I think we should split
and then reconvene

somewhere else to consider
our next move.

Next move?

What next move?

Now, I think we'll use
your place.

We are not reconvening
at my place.

Yes. Now, my car is only
a little coupe,

won't take four.

The other one's had
a fender bender,

so we'll be using
your car as well.

Oh, and one more thing,
just in case you two

were thinking of doing
something stupid,

but you were hesitating
because you thought

that I might be armed.

And yes, I am armed.

And this is not a toilet roll.

All right.

All right,
why don't we all go back

to your place and we will deal
with everything from there.

- Are we agreed on that?
- Yeah.

- Good.
- Agreed?

Ah-uh-uh...

What are we gonna do
with him?

Henry? Oh, we got to take Henry
with us.

I'm not bringing him back
to my apartment.

I promise you he will not bleed
on your upholstery,

- will you, Henry?
- (Henry groans)

See? Right.

Okay.

Untie him now.

Come on!
Untie him!

MORRIS:
Oh, Jesus.

Well, how are we gonna
get him out of here

without attracting attention?

You think anyone would notice
in this place?

However,
this is what we're going to do.

Henry and I are going
to very calmly walk out of here.

Of course,
my gun is gonna be

in the base of his spine.

Right, Henry?

Okay.

You're not gonna scream
or shout or anything like that,

are you?

Good boy.

Thank you, Henry.

You don't need that anymore.

Okay?

Now, Henry, stand up.

Straight.

Very good.

Extend that arm.

All right.

Very good.

Now, then, very slowly,
like old friend.

- You're feeling good, Henry?
- HENRY: Yeah.

- ARCHIE: Sure?
- HENRY: Mmm.

ARCHIE:
Good man.

1, 2...

Oh, uh now,
you two will count to 10

and follow calmly
walking through the front door,

okay?

Because I will be
counting as well

and you don't want me
to get to 11, right?

Right, Henry?

Right.

ARCHIE:
Good.

Come on, Henry.

Oh, Henry, a favor please?

Could you shut
this door behind you?

HENRY:
Yeah.

ARCHIE:
Thank you.

Manners maketh man.

And you...

- (Dave groaning)
- Poof.

(Dave sighs)

7, 8, 9...

♪ Hooked on the sweet stuff
made me fly sugar high ♪

♪ Above the clouds ♪

♪ I got way too close
to the sun ♪

♪ That first kiss,
oh, we're done ♪

♪ Tell me, darling, was it fun
to smash my heart ♪

♪ And without concern,
you lit my fire ♪

♪ And let me burn ♪

♪ Pricked ♪

♪ There's a glint in your eye ♪

♪ Pricked. ♪

ARCHIE: Great automobile
you've got here, Dave.

Myself, I've got a classic 1940
Ford Coupe, superb condition.

Could use a bigger trunk though.

- (Laughing)
- What do you say, Henry?

You know,
it's been some years

since I've been
in the car-buying market,

but I would like your opinion,
David.

How do you stand
on the question,

lease or buy?

Hmm?

We're in the middle
of a kidnapping

and you wanna know my opinion
on whether to buy or lease?

I think if I were shopping,
I would definitely be

a lease man.

You know, new and shiny
is wonderful but it wears off

and then you've got all
those maintenance costs.

Frankly, I think you
just better walk away

and leave all that bullshit.

- Lease man? Really?
- ARCHIE: Hmm.

Personally,
I think you're a crazy man.

ARCHIE:
Dave.

Dave, do be civil.

Come on now.

I'm just... I'm just trying
to conduct a nice conversation.

You wanna make conversation?

Isn't it about time you tell us
who you are?

I mean is this what you do
for a living?

(Laughs)

Living?

When you file a tax return
where it says profession,

do you put deranged violent
kidnapper in the name of love

or is torturing people
you don't know just a hobby?

(Laughing)

Do I look like someone
who files a tax return?

(Laughing)

Ah, relax, kids.

You're not in the hands
of an amateur.

I have done this many times.

Many, many, many times.

In fact, sometimes I think
I've been doing it forever.

So as I get older,
if you think I'm getting

a little more rough,
if I'm not quite exuding

that enthusiasm
that once I exuded,

if I'm not doing everything
with a sweet smile anymore,

it's because I'm so
fucking tired of dealing

with you fucking morons!

Yeah, forget it.

Forget, forget what I said.

Forget what I said.

Put some music on,
maybe it'll soothe

the savage beast.

- (Groans)
- Amen to that.

If music be the food of love,
play on.

Give me a playlist.

Give me excess of it,
that surfeiting the appetite

may sicken and so die.

Coldplay?

The Scientists?

Huh, sad.

(Archie laughs)

ARCHIE:
The Cure?

Pictures of You?

Oh, depressing.

Pinocchio?

Wish Upon a Star.

Pinocchio?

Is this your pending
suicide playlist?

Right?

Count 12 months of this,
it is a cry for help, isn't it?

ARCHIE:
A cry for help?

This isn't
a fucking cry for help,

this is a scream valve.

Here, take the gun.
Do it.

Blow your brains out now.

Come on.
Let's save us all.

- Come on!
- MORRIS: Hey!

Come on!
Let's do it.

Even before the breakup,
his choice in music

was very depressing.

ARCHIE:
Oh.

- Hey, Denise loved my music.
- Okay.

(Chuckles)

ARCHIE:
What are you laughing at?

(Laughing)

Wait a minute,
we have another music critic

in the car with us as well.

Henry, I bet you and Denise
have a very special song,

don't you?

Henry, what is it?

Henry!

I did promise Dave
that there wouldn't be

any blood on the upholstery
but that doesn't exclude

internal bleeding.

What's the song?

- Marvin Gaye, Sexual Healing.
- No!

(Archie laughing)

- No!
- Oh, take it easy.

Hey!

Oh, I love it!

(Laughing)

(Exhales & groans)

Man, you must really love her.

Not that it's any
of your fucking business

but yes, I do.

I love her.

Don't you?

I mean,
you're the guy in the tux.

Yeah, I mean...
I mean I love her

but I'm not sure I love her
as much as that guy.

Hey.

Well, you better be sure,
because if you think

you're a prisoner now,
just wait till you're married,

you... you could be looking back
on being stuffed down a toilet

and beaten up as the best part
of your life.

If you're not sure you love her
that much,

then why are you marrying her?

You know how it is.

She's...
truth is we don't really

have that much in common
except for... you know.

Marvin.

(Laughing)

Ah, well, it sounds to me
as if the groom here

is having second thoughts.

It would be amazing, ey,
if this kidnapping

turned out to be
a rescue mission.

(Laughing)

Okay, Henry,
you sit down there.

And if you promise
that you will not move

until I tell you,
I will not tie you up again.

Anyone want something to drink?

I'm not hosting a party, okay?

I wanna get this over with
as soon as possible.

I'll take a beer.

And I'm famished.

Is there anywhere around here
we can order in?

Yes. There is a great deli
just right up the street.

- I mean...
- Hmm.

But are they quick?

'Cause we haven't got
much time, yeah?

We got to get Dave
back to the church.

What?

I thought we were coming here
to discuss what to do next.

Dave?

Well, we have discussed
the next move

and the next move is this,
you are going to see Denise.

You understand that nothing
can happen until you do

what you need to do.

But you knew that?

Archie, what kind of sandwich
do you want?

ARCHIE:
What's their pastrami like?

She's not gonna take me back.

MORRIS:
You know, I don't know.

I only get the corned beef.

Ah, what the heck.

I'm gonna live dangerous today.

I'll take the pastrami,
extra lean

or I'd come down there.

I mean what am I
gonna even say to her?

That is extra lean, please.

Uh, trust me,
you do not want this guy

coming down there.

And roast beef for Henry.

I don't like roast beef.

Who cares what you like!

You wanna try the pastrami?

Ham and cheese on a Kaiser roll.

What the hell is going on here?

And ham and cheese
on a Kaiser for Henry.

Archie, how can I go
to Denise now?

How would I even begin
to explain any of this?

Oh, does anybody wanna know
what the soup of the day?

Seriously?

Archie?

Well, it would help
if you tell us what the fuck

sort of soup it is.

Clam chowder.

New England clam chowder?

New England?

Manhattan.

Ugh.

That is a hard no on the soup.

Thank you very much.

Well, there you have it,
young Dave.

You can either have
a New England clam chowder

sort of life,
which is rich and romantic

like a deep French kiss
on a warm summer day

or you can have
a Manhattan clam chowder

sort of life,
which is a brown

dreary vegetable soup
that smells like fish.

I want her back.

I do.

It's not gonna happen.

Man, you are unbelievable.

Did you say something?

I said you're unbelievable.

No wonder Denise
never even mentioned

your name to me.

I mean, if you don't think
she could want you back now,

then why would you think
she ever wanted you

in the first place?

Don't you get it?

Either give her credit
for falling in love with you

or pay her due respect
for breaking up with you,

but don't underestimate her.

Oh, I must have knocked
some sense in your head

after all.

Maybe I am underestimating her.

I don't wanna marry
Denise anymore.

I want New England clam chowder.

She's all yours.

What?

This just keeps getting
weirder and weirder.

Are you just saying that
because of him?

Yeah.

No.

No.

I mean granted I don't have
a lot of choice

in the matter, but no.

Now that I think about it,
I don't wanna marry her.

But this is Denise.

I know, man.
But look at you.

Huh, I mean, I barely know you
and I can tell

that she turned you inside out
and back again.

I am not ready to give myself,
heart and soul,

to someone who could
do that to me.

- Yes, man.
- Hmm.

What did I say in the car?

This is a rescue mission.

(Sighs & laughs)

At last,
we're all on the same page.

- Let's go.
- DAVE: Come on.

There's no way.

I mean... I mean,
just because he isn't in love

with her doesn't mean
that she isn't in love with him.

And even if she isn't,
doesn't mean that she's in love

with me anymore.

David.
Dave.

Before you knew that Denise
was getting married,

you were gonna go down there,
talk to her and tell her

how you felt to see
if that meant anything

to her still, right?

Okay? So as it turns out
she is not getting married,

so nothing has changed.

(Sighs & chuckles)

Maybe this can happen,
I mean really happen.

I knew I could make
a true believer of you.

Right, come on!

Okay, let's go and pick up
that food and get to the church.

(♪♪♪)

ARCHIE:
This pastrami isn't lean.

It's not lean.

Call this lean?

MORRIS:
I said lean.

And where's the mustard?

There is no mustard!

There's no mustard here!

Who's got the mustard?

You.

You. I knew I should have kept
that gag on you.

I want half of that
ham and cheese.

Why?

Why?

Because my pastrami is fatty,
because there is no mustard,

and because you're
my fucking prisoner,

give me the sandwich!

MORRIS: This is gonna make a
great story for the grandkids

someday.

Yours or mine?

Yours.

I am never getting married
and I'm never having kids.

Hmm.

And what are you gonna do
when you fall in love?

Ugh, won't happen.

As Dave can attest to,
I only gamble on things

that I can count on.

She never lets anyone
get that close to her.

Is that right?
Hmm.

Simple but ingenious plan
to avoid all of this

emotional chaos and baggage.

Well, you seem to have
got it all sorted out,

haven't you?

Right, Morris?

But I have to tell you,
you're full of crap.

(Dave laughs)

You may be a girl, Morris,
but your balls

are on the same pendulum
as everyone else on the planet,

they're just going
to get clapped,

it's just a matter of time.

(Dave sighs)

Hey, we're almost at the church.

We're almost at the church.

Well, you don't expect
our friend here to pinch hit

for you wearing that costume.

I'll be happy
if I can just get her

to start dating me again.

I don't need
to get married today.

Dave, this is your chance
to hit for the fences.

Now, shut up and tell me
your suit size.

42 regular.

Henry?

46 long.

Close enough.
Swap over now.

DAVE:
We're doing it.

Come on, come on,
help each other.

Help each other here.

Yup, good, good,
get him on first here.

- Quick, quick, quick, quick.
- Be careful, it's Italian.

- Yeah.
- Oh, oh, okay.

- What?
- Italian?

Nice quality, too.

Here.
Okay.

Keep going, keep going,
keep... good.

- (Sighs)
- Oh, shit, man.

There's blood stains
all over it.

ARCHIE:
Ah, no one's gonna notice.

You expect me
to get my ex-girlfriend back

wearing her fiancé's
blood-stained tuxedo?

(Laughs)

There speaks the nervous groom.

Where's the vest?

No vest, it was a cummerbund.

I'm fine, the cummerbund.

Where is it?

- I don't know.
- ARCHIE: Shit.

I used it to choke Henry here
in the car park of the church.

Well, what did you do
with it after?

I stuck it down the sewer
at the bar.

Like that's the first thing
Denise is going to notice

when she sees you
instead of Henry.

You had to use the cummerbund.

You couldn't use
your hands or something?

Look, will you stop criticizing
the way I work?

- I'm sorry.
- Okay, good.

I'm sorry.
I am nervous.

(Laughs)

Oh, gosh, you're nervous.

I wasn't expecting
to get married today.

It's okay.
You're going to get married!

(Screaming)

ARCHIE:
He is gonna get married!

Hey!

(All cheering)

- (Tires screeching)
- (Horns honking)

Should I even ask
what I'm supposed to do

about a ring?

Funny you should ask,
because I picked one up

this very morning.

From where?

I went to Jared.

♪ Pricked ♪

♪ There's a glint in your eye ♪

♪ Pricked ♪

♪ It's when hell has arrived ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh-oh ♪

♪ My jaw, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Pricked ♪

♪ Feel the sting on the skin ♪

♪ Pricked ♪

♪ Drive an angel to sing ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ My jaw oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

I'm sure glad things
worked out this way.

Yeah.

And when that swelling
goes down,

you're gonna be
like a new man.

Now, do you require me
to beat some sense

into your head
or are you prepared to walk

the line for love?

- I'm ready.
- Good.

I'm so sorry
about the mustard stain

on the bow tie.

Diverts the attention away
from the blood.

What am I supposed
to tell Denise

when she asks where Henry is?

Tell her the truth.

I don't even know
what the truth is.

Oh, come on.

The truth is what is always
has been, always will be.

It doesn't matter where Henry is
because you're the one

she's going to marry,
because you're the one

who's destined for her.

Oh, and if you see my mother,

would you tell her I'm sorry
and I will call her later.

Am I free to go now?

Did I say you are
free to go now?

Right.

Well, come on, come on.

You don't want Denise
to think she's been stood up

at the altar.

Hey, hey, hey,
you sure you don't want

a quick bachelor party
because the strip club

is just down the block.

Yeah, I'm sure.

But I do expect you
to get me a honeymoon suite

in Vegas.

Comp'd.

You got it, cuz.

Oh God, he wants to start
another conversation.

I don't know what to say.

- Good.
- Thank you.

- (Morris laughs)
- You're welcome!

- Go!
- Go!

- (Archie laughs)
- Davey, Davey!

Whoo!

You think he's really
got a chance?

I have no idea.

(Cheering)

(Bell tolling)

Oh, what the hell?

DAVE:
This can't be.

Uh, who is that guy?

HENRY:
Who's that guy?

Who's that girl?

She is smoking hot.

What do you mean
who's that girl?

That is Denise.

No, that's not Denise.

What the fuck
are you talking about?

Of course, that's Denise, man.

No. No, that's not Denise.

I mean, maybe that's your Denise
but that's not the Denise

I was gonna marry.

(Chuckles)

Archie?

What the hell is going on?

ARCHIE:
"Congratulations,

Denise and Henry
and Denise and Joe."

Oh, fuck.

(Laughing)

I kidnapped
the wrong bridegroom.

(Henry laughs)

Oh, well.

I'm sorry?
"Oh, well?"

You kidnapped the wrong groom
and all you have to say

is "oh, well"?

That's so crazy.

Two Denises getting married
at the same place

on the same day.

Some coincidence, huh?

(Archie sighs)

Henry,
you are officially released.

(Laughs)

Oh, unless...

Unless you wanna marry
your Denise.

No, no.

I knew which Denise
I was marrying the whole time.

See ya.

Denise, please wait!

Dave!

Hey, forget about it, man!

You're too late.

Jesus, would you look at him?

You gotta do something.

Like what?
Gun him down in the street?

I don't know.
Something.

Anything.

Oh, God.

I gotta get out of this racket.

This is your fault.

Even dogs deserve to die
with some dignity.

Right.

- Ah!
- (Glass breaking)

Mmm.

Sorry, Dave!

Some things are just
not meant to be.

Denise!

Da... Dave?

Oh my God,
what are you doing here?

I've come to...

(Screams)

Bull's-eye.

(Dave screams in pain)

Good shot.

Yes, I can still do it!

My work here is done.

Are you sure?

I mean, he's still breathing.

(Grunts)

You can't be married!

(Dave panting)

DAVE:
He's not Henry.

What?

He's... that's Henry.

Who... who's Henry?

All I see is your stupid cousin
and some old man

wearing red sneakers?

Henry's your fiancé.

What?

I don't know Henry,
I married Joe.

Dave, you need to get
some help.

I did get help, I got Archie.

And he kidnapped Henry
and shoved him

in the bathroom stall,

and then...
and then threatened to kill me,

then we had deli
at my apartment, and all

so you and I could be
together now.

Well, Dave, I...

I don't even know
what to say to you, okay?

You need to move the fuck on!

But you've always wanted
this big movie moment.

Here it is,
New England clam chowder.

New... New England?

But you know,
there was a moment a while back

that I thought maybe
it was you and not Joe.

And?

And here I am, you know.

Sure, I never got
that big movie moment,

but who cares
when you're really in love?

Like who cares
how love happens.

Are you ready, my princess?

DAVE:
Oh, Denise, no.

Oh, Denise, please.

No, no.
Denise.

Come back.

Come back!

(Groans)

(Siren blaring)

You know what, Archie,
your tactics

were a little unorthodox,
but for a while there

I really thought
you had your shit together.

Yeah, well, that's the problem,
you see.

Everyone loves a winner,
but love is not a winning game.

(Scoffs)

That is why I never play.

- Never play?
- Hmm.

You will.

One day.

Sooner than you think.

(Panting)

Stella?

Stella, is that you?

Dave.

(Laughs)

You have an arrow in your ass.

I know.

Denise is married.

Is that so?

Come with me.
I'll get you healed right up.

(Groans)

Can we have chocolate cake?

Of course.

But Dave here, at least,
has learned a lesson today.

Really?
What lesson is that?

Never talk to a stranger
in a bar.

Talking of which, I'm thirsty.

Come and join me.

Oh, fuck!

Isn't that the girl
that Dave met at Vegas?

Damn!

Anyone ever told you,
you can be a real prick?

Not in the last two minutes.

♪ Is it you? ♪

♪ Is it me? ♪

♪ Overwhelmed again
'cause I can't see ♪

♪ I'll be hooked on that thing
called love ♪

♪ Floating up in the clouds
is where I'd rather be ♪

♪ Smell the sweet
that fills the air ♪

♪ It makes me forget
how to breathe ♪

♪ Is it you? ♪

♪ Is it me? ♪

♪ Overwhelmed again
'cause I can't see ♪

♪ I'll be hooked on that thing
called love ♪

♪ Is it you? ♪

♪ Is it me? ♪

♪ Overwhelmed again
'cause I can't see ♪

♪ I'll be hooked on that thing
called love ♪

♪ I love the way it hits me ♪

♪ I love the way it hits me ♪

♪ I love the way it hits me ♪

(♪♪♪)

♪ Hooked on the sweet stuff
made me fly sugar high ♪

♪ Above the clouds ♪

♪ I got way too close
to the sun ♪

♪ That first kiss,
oh, we've done ♪

♪ Tell me, darling,
was it fun to smash my heart? ♪

♪ And without concern,
you lit my fire ♪

♪ And let me burn ♪

♪ Pricked ♪

♪ There's a glint in your eye ♪

♪ Pricked ♪

♪ It's when hell has arrived ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ My jaw, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Pricked ♪

♪ Feel the sting on the skin ♪

♪ Pricked ♪

♪ Drive an angel to sing ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ My jaw, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Lost in your touch,
I found my place ♪

♪ Stop the chase ♪

♪ I had it all ♪

♪ I could never fall
to who I've become ♪

♪ Passion rules over me ♪

♪ I'll have to plead insanity ♪

♪ The egg I craved,
dug my grave ♪

♪ Nothing left of me,
you can say ♪

♪ Pricked ♪

♪ There's a glint in your eye ♪

♪ Pricked ♪

♪ It's when hell has arrived ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ My jaw, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Pricked ♪

♪ Feel the sting on the skin ♪

♪ Pricked ♪

♪ Drive an angel to sing ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ My jaw, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

(♪♪♪)

...