All language subtitles for Rake.S05E01.1080p.HDTV.x264-CCT

WWW.MY-SUBS.COM

I've never found anyone to replace you.

Mr Greene, we are terminating
your membership of this bar.

What in the name of Bob Menzies
are you two doing here?

Actually, we're campaigning, Cleaver.

So you're seriously putting
your name down for the Senate?

Absolutely.

On the basis of saying nothing,
and hating your sister.

In fact, Cleaver Greene...

(MUFFLED MUTTERING)

I'd like to talk today about
the absurdity of fracking.

Yep, sure, sure.

I want to get onto fracking with you.

- I build apps.
- Apps?

And I'm pretty good at it too, it seems.

In the last six months,
I've had three bestsellers.

Oh!

This is unconscionable behaviour!

So I announce my resignation
from the Australian Labor Party...

...and further announce
I'm joining the Greens...

(CHEERING)

...whose membership have asked me to
run for a seat in the Senate.

I'm prepared to try and secure you
a seat as an independent senator.

What's the catch?

You get the fuck
out of Wendy's and my life.

I mean, Cleaver Greene
on the left-hand side.

There's a bit of a donkey vote,
a bit of confusion,

and he seems to be polling
very well at the moment.

You're alright, darling.

I mean, his record is there
for the public to see,

and yet there is a possibility

that he's going to be elected
as a senator.

(LAUGHS)

I think you're in, Cleave.

We won't know for a bit, but...

...it looks like
you're going to be a senator.

And, um...

...while we're in the mood
for announcements,

Missy and I are having a baby.

- What?
- What?

So you're going to choose Canberra
and politics over Sardinia and me?

He has to. He's been elected.

So it seems there was some confusion

about the meaning of
'Greene' on the ballot.

My clients are screaming green murder.

Even the ABC guy, his name
is Green, Antony Green!

It's Greens, Greens everywhere,
like a family conspiracy!

And yet the people
seem to have spoken, Jack.

Synced & corrected by -robtor-
www.MY-SUBS.com

(THUD!)

(THUD! THUD!)

(THUD!

- (GRUMBLES)
- (BALL BOUNCES)

Oh, not today, you little brats.

(THUD!)

(THUD!)

_

Of all the shitting days.

I haven't trimmed my nose hair
in, like, 15 years,

and I thought, "Oh, you know, special
occasion, I'll make an effort."

Has it stopped?

Mmm... no.

But I have a styptic pencil.

- That might help.
- What's a styptic pencil?

It clots blood quickly.

Oh.

It should be there
in the glove compartment.

Right-hand side, I think.

- This thing?
- Mm-hm.

Oh. What, do you just...

Oh, holy shit!

(CHUCKLES) Yeah. Oh!

Ohh!

Let me look.

It's slowed.

- Great.
- Keep applying it, sir.

Excellent.

If I may, sir,

make sure you're camera-left
when they take the group photo.

That way your name will appear
first in the caption.

Camera-left, so that's... So that's...

You'd be on the right-hand side
of the group,

facing the photographer.

Facing the photographer, right.

- Mm-hm.
- OK, great.

Excellent advice. Thank you, Jakob.

I have been doing this job a long time.

Ah.

Would you like a little drink, perhaps?

A little settler?

A tiny Polish vodka to calm the nerves?

Oh...

...maybe a little settler.

Welcome.

- Senator Greene.
- Yes.

Lovely to meet you.

This way.

Oh.

_

Not a saveloy has passed my lips
since last we met.

_

Vaughan.

We both made it over the line, huh?

Pretty good. Yes, we did.

Now, listen, I'm putting up
a private member's bill

to increase by 700%

the amount of shooting allowable
in national parks.

- Oh.
- Now, I presume

you'll be supporting the bill,

as per our pre-election conversation?

Oh, well, mate, you know, I mean,
send me the details, alright?

As I was when I was a lawyer,
I'll be a stickler for the detail.

Good.

Oh! Senator Harry, sorry, David Potter.

- Well...
- Cleaver.

Fancy us, mate, side by side
in the highest office in the land.

Fancy that.

I'm not entirely sure
we'll be side by side, Cleaver.

Not unless you want a dose of penicillin.

Oh, Penny.

Didn't notice you under there.

Is it true that you were going to
call your party

the Penny Evans Experience,

and then somebody pointed out that
that'd make you the PEE party?

Fake news, Cleaver.

- Oh, is it? Is it?
- Excuse me...

Well, now you're the PEP party,

I'll be relying on you
for the party favours.

Senator. Senator.

Oh, Your Excellency.

Oh, sorry. Just excuse me.

Congratulations on your appointment,
Senator.

Thank you, thank you.

It's some time since we were
jousting together in court.

Well, indeed it is. Indeed it is.

Now, I've just been told
that you're a Jew. Is that right?

- I mean, I had no idea.
- That's right, yes.

I'm not quite as zealous as my wife,
but, um...

- Yes.
- Yeah. My first girlfriend was a Jew.

Incredible. I mean, flashing smile.

Mmm.

Incredibly bright.

- Deceptively powerful thighs.
- (CHUCKLES)

Well, when you have 3,000 years
wandering in the desert,

and you don't have Netflix...

(BOTH LAUGH)

Now, how do you feel?

It must be a bit strange having to
listen to the Lord's Prayer

all day and all night.

I mean, how's that working for you?

Part of the job. Her Majesty's rep.

- Grin and bear it.
- Mm.

May I ask why you're asking?

Oh, no, just... I mean, I'm just
intrigued by belief, you know.

I mean, I'm... I'm, you know,
Catholic, technically.

Well, lapsed... prolapsed Catholic.

So, you know, I mean,
it's no biggie for me.

But, you know, I mean,
there's Aborigines here,

there's Muslim people, there's Jews...

Maybe it's time to think about
reforming the whole thing.

Well, maybe it is.

I mean, you know, we're supposed to
be a secular state,

church, state, all that.

It's great to see you again,
Your Excellency.

- Lovely to...
- Yeah.

The Governor-General has found
himself in a scandal today...

Suggesting the Parliament should
abandon saying the Lord's Prayer

before each sitting.

The Governor-General has a point.

I mean, this is a secular society,

and to compel a public official,
even the Governor-General,

to be standing and listening
to the Lord's Prayer in that way...

The Council of Australian Jewry

is up in arms after
the Governor-General...

...was forced to resign last night

over attacks from a number
of religious groups.

If he were, for instance,
Hindu or Muslim,

and we have to look to a future

in which a Governor-General
of this country

would be proudly Hindu or Muslim.

My mother was a woman
dedicated to service and love,

service and love to family,
community, and nation.

First speeches are normally fairly
sedate affairs.

The politicians, the new politicians,

don't strive to be controversial,

and in fact the tradition is there
are not even any interjections.

Now, I promise to do my utmost

to make this chamber one of decency,
respect, integrity,

dedicated to the wellbeing
of the Australian people.

But then things got interesting
when it was Cleaver Greene's turn.

Well done, Senator Harry.

Er, you've outdone yourself.

Mr President, my campaign pledge
was to do and say nothing,

and that seemed to resonate
with the people,

because I think, like me,

they don't see this as a temple
of service and love.

They see it more as a place

of pretty unsightly self-gratification,

the carpets sticky
with the forgotten fantasies

of vainglorious old senators past.

Mr President, this Parliament
is our national shrine

to wanking.

Well, at this point, the Senate
President warned Senator Greene,

but did not throw him out of the chamber.

From you... it's...
You're not kicking me out?

- No, I'm not.
- I can go on?

- Yes.
- I can...

- You can, Senator Greene.
- I can... Oh, great.

In April 2003,

I got a bill from Telstrus

overcharging me to the tune of some $240.

So we drove for three...
was it three hours?

Three and a half. Three and a half hours.

Three and a half hours
to listen to you make a speech

that was about Telstrus,

and the two restaurants
that you got food poisoning in,

that were both in Spain, by the way,

and the penalty try
that cost Souths the semi.

- Cronulla.
- Cronulla.

And the Lord's Prayer.

And not a mention of your family.

Or Barney.

I mean, do you actually think that
you would have got here on your own?

Well, I did. You know, I got here
by mistake. We all know that.

Yes, but a mention might have been nice.

The Senate's not... it's not
a nice place.

It's not a forum for,
you know, pleasantries.

It's a tough, tough game.

And don't get me started on Barney.

I gave him ample warning about today.

It's a huge murder case.
You know it'll take a year.

There's no way he could make it.

Well, bully for him.

You know, I'm sure he's raking it in.

I miss those big murders.

Cleaver, you've just made
your maiden speech as a Senator.

- (PHONE RINGS)
- Oh, Fuzz.

- Darling. Hold on a sec.
- Ah, Fuzzy.

Fuzzy.

- Hello, mate.
- Hey.

(LAUGHS) Look at that.

Who's your daddy?

How's San Fran, Fuzzy?

Uh... exhausting, but pretty great.

I, uh... I think they're going to
offer me a deal for three games.

- Oh, gosh.
- That's great.

Sorry I can't be there.

How'd the speech go, Cleave?

Oh, it was incredible, mate.

You know, it was a big moment for me,
big moment for Australia.

It was remarkable, darling.

- Great, Fuzz.
- Sorry, I can't stay for too long.

Um, love you all. Well done, Cleave.

See you, mate. Love you.

- See you, Fuzz.
- Bye, darling.

Hey, Miss, can the three of us
have a private moment?

You bet.

Oh, God. Just hold on a sec.

- You right?
- Yep.

(GROANS)

Hello, darling.

Now that's my grandchild there.

I can't think about that too much.

I'm going to go and strain
the cannelloni.

Lovely family you have there, Cleaver.

Thank you, Penny.

Which one was your hooker again?

WENDY: Lobster mornay...

Wendy.

Oh, my God.

- Hello.
- Jack, hi.

Oh... Wow.

(TOILET FLUSHES)

Oh, Christ.

Oh, you flatter me, Cleaver.

- Here's the deal.
- Uh... not another one, no, thank you.

I have been engaged by certain parties

to approach the crossbenchers
and to try and facilitate a way

that you can all vote as a bloc.

If you vote together,
your power is inordinate.

If you vote separately, well, you're
just a bunch of tedious fuckwits.

Yeah. Well, again, not interested,
thanks, Witchy-poo.

Fine. You just keep doing your
"do nothing" shtick, then, Cleaver.

I mean, I don't even know
why you bother showing up.

You don't have a party.
You don't have to do anything.

You could just take your little salary,

go lie on a beach somewhere, huh?

You know, when your term finishes,

that is, of course,
if you don't get arrested

for corruption in the meantime,

your granddaughter
is going to ask you or Fuzz

what it is that you've
achieved in your life.

And there is only one answer
to that, Cleaver.

Absolutely nothing.

He looks well. He looks amazing.

- He looked so handsome.
- Three!

- Yeah, three games.
- So he's made three already.

He's on fire.

No, I think he's made one,

and then he's been commissioned
to make the other two.

Does anyone at this table think
there's a problem with this country

that I can fix?

(THUD!)

Oh...

Oh, you got to be kidding me.

God, how long's this going to go on for?

Archie, Nick.

- Breakfast.
- Hey, guys, guys.

Hey, what you doing,
looking at my boys naked?

What? What are you looking at, huh?!

Oh, mate. Look, they wake me up
at sparrow's fart every morning.

- I'm going nuts.
- (SPEAKS CHINESE LANGUAGE)

Can you just maybe have a word
for them to start their bouncing

at, I don't know, 7:00am?

- You pervert!
- Oh, yes, mate.

Oh, I really love your...
your little boys,

with their... with their little
bouncy balls.

I see penis. Penis, penis!

- Hey, that's...
- You be careful, pervert!

You paedo!

Tensions are rising in South-East Asia,

and senior leaders and defence officials

will gather from around the region
in Canberra tomorrow,

in Parliament House,

to try and get some kind of
agreement on the defence treaty.

Joining me now in our studio
is the chair of this summit,

the Prime Minister Angela Sway.

Prime Minister, welcome back
to Breakfast.

Good to be with you, Fran.

Prime Minister,
you must feel really honoured...

- Bananas! One, two, three!
- ..to chair a summit

which may very well determine
the future of Asia,

perhaps the future of the world.

Miss... I'm just...

♪ Bopping in the tree with you and me! ♪

...recognition of the role
Australia plays in the region.

A region which some say
is on the brink of war.

Well, these are testing times.

But I am convinced this summit,
under my leadership...

Come on, Wends, join in.

♪ And he's mighty funky ♪

♪ Bopping in the tree with you and me ♪

♪ Bananas, bananas ♪

♪ Let's go bananas... ♪

Your popularity ratings
are at alarming lows in the polls.

I'm not really interested
in the polls, Fran.

This summit is about securing
safety for Australia,

the region and the planet.

Prime Minister, let's cut to the chase.

How likely is a nuclear war?

Well, Fran, at this point
we are alert but not alarmed.

- Good morning.
- Sorry?

- Uh... good morning.
- Uh, morning, dear.

I'm, uh, Nicole Vargas,
Senator Greene's chief of staff.

- Hi.
- Frank O'Brien, veteran journo.

Oh, OK. Do you have a meeting
to see the Senator?

I got a message from him, yeah.

Alright, well, if you just bear with
us just for one moment, Frank...

- At your disposal, my dear.
- Right.

- (THUMP!)
- Oh, don't do that.

- You've got that lunch.
- Oh, fuck, is that now?

There is someone from another era
waiting for you.

Frank O'Brien? Does that ring any bells?

Frank? That doesn't for me.

Oh, Frank. Frank's here.

Great. Look after him.

Frank is who?

OK. You know how I've been wanting
to do something for this country?

Yes, you keep saying.

And I've been feeling a bit guilty,

despite my manifesto of doing nothing,

that I have actually done nothing.

- Mm-hm.
- But then I had a revelation.

- Right, what was that?
- It's not my fault.

It's your fault.

Oh, right, of course. It's my fault.

- Yes.
- Mm-hm.

Because to do something, you've
got to get the people on side.

To get the people on side,
you need the press on side,

and you have no idea about that.

Well, you were all over the net
with Jewgate.

- Because you didn't manage it.
- I can't do everything.

I've been telling you for over a year now

that you need to get a media manager,

but you didn't want to spend the money.

And now we have one
because I've had a brainwave.

- Who?
- Frank.

That... Frank?

Frank O'Brien.

He scored the match-winning try
in the '69 grand final.

Balmain and Souths, my first grand final.

- So he's a footballer.
- Yes, yes.

A footy columnist no doubt.

The hardest, the toughest
school there is.

And when was the last
time he worked, Cleaver?

It's a hard game for hard men.
I knew you were going to be...

I knew it.

If you want to play the millennial,
you know, elitist

with your desert boots
and your big waxy beard,

that's fine.

But I'm telling you to go out there

and to hire Frank O'Brien
as my media point man.

Huh?

Yes?

'69 grand final, you said?

Yes.

- Who won that game?
- Balmain.

Balmain won that game.

You hate Balmain
because they won that game.

Ever since I've known you,
you have loathed Balmain, so...

Somehow you owe him money, right?

- You are so cynical.
- Oh...

You've become more as the years
have gone by, do you know that?

- Really?
- And wrong. And jaundiced.

So who do you owe Cleaver?

I owe his brother a few grand,

but that doesn't detract from
Frank O'Brien's gifts

as a journalist, alright?

So look after him.

- Frank.
- Eh?

Frank. G'day, mate. Welcome aboard.

If I am, it's a privilege Cleaver.

Oh, you are, you are.

Now, I've got to fly, mate,
but this is Nicole, my chief.

Chief Nicole.

She'll... she's gonna
look after you mate.

Oh, um, there might be a story
coming out later on this afternoon

about me being a paedophile.

Can you get Frank onto that ASAP?

Thanks.

Madame Prime Minister,
the President is adamant

that every part of this treaty

represent a stronger,
even more aggressive posture.

The Chinese need to know
that we're serious.

I couldn't agree more, Mr Secretary.

Well, that's all well and good
to agree, Prime Minister,

but what are you actually going to do?

Look, this is about more
than just South-East Asia.

This is the President's
number one priority,

he's made that very clear,

and I shall quote from him.

"We are looking at World War III

"and if it starts, we will be killing..."

- Fuck me sideways.
- "..tremendous amount of people

"very, very quickly.

"And we want to know
if you're seriously behind us,

"or is this another
Prime Minister piece of bullshit."

Of course,
as the US Secretary of Defense,

I stand behind the President's words.

No, no, we are seriously behind you,
all the way, whatever it takes.

Joe, we are in conference
with Secretary Potemkin.

I'm sorry, Mr Secretary, I know
these are sensitive affairs,

but if it was possible to have
a private word

with the Prime Minister.

It's rather urgent.

Yes, of course, of course.

I don't have a lot of time.

Jesus.

For fuck's sake.

Righto, you lot, fuck off.

Move! Come on!

- OK.
- Mm...

It's a roughy,

but I reckon we could have it
polished and ready to go by 6:00.

Oh, yeah, I'm a p... I'm a p...

I'm a...

I really love your... your little boys,

love your... your little boys,

with their little bouncy balls,

with their little bouncy balls.

(CHUCKLES)

He's fucked..

He's going to have to quit.

Then all our Senate worries will be over.

- Do we have a codename?
- We do.

Operation Scrotum.

That's very good. Very apt, very good.

(RUMBLING)

(BOOM!)

Oh, my goodness!

(SIREN WAILS)

What is going on?

Oh, God!

(SIREN CONTINUES)

MAN: Everybody outside!

We're with the embassy lunch.

Of course, this way, sir.

Oh, shit! Sorry, mate. I'm...

- (SIREN WAILS)
- What is that?

Everybody outside!

Ladies and gentlemen, please assemble...

Oh... (GAGS)

(RADIO CHATTER, HUBBUB)

...quarantine officers...

Cal, as you can see, it's chaos here.

Katie, with so much rigorous
security in place these days,

how could this possibly happen?

I mean, where were the security forces?

Well, obviously it's way too early
to know who is responsible,

but this clearly bears all the hallmarks

of a chemical terrorist attack
on the nation's parliament.

Any reported fatalities?

Cal, I can see the Prime Minister
approaching the hazmat zone

as we speak.

Prime Minister?

- Let me assure the people of...
- (GROANS)

...of Australia

that we have this situation completely...

...completely under...

Prime Minister, have there
been any fatalities?

Tragically, Caitlin, yes, my dear friend,

the Member for Poole
in Western Australia,

Brian Oatley, the Defence Minister,

is a casualty.

The government's deepest,
deepest sympathies

go out to Brian's wife, Lorraine,
and their three children.

It only spurs us on to track down
those responsible for this evil.

I have appointed Joe...

- McGregor.
- ..McGregor,

the leader of the government in the
Senate as acting Defence Minister.

So, Cal, the first death
has been confirmed

as Defence Minister Oatley.

Well, Katie, Brian was a top bloke.

They really don't get
any better than that.

It's a very sad day.

I'm...

I'm Cal McGregor.

And we're out.

- Mm.
- (PHONE RINGS)

Hello, puddin'.

So do you think I should run?

Run? What?

For Oatley's seat.
There'll be a by-election.

Well, Oatley was a Lib.

It's a West Australian Lib seat.

You're a Nat, and you live in Sydney.

You've gotta live in the seat.
Have you ever been to WA, darling?

Stop being so negative.

I'm not trying to be negative, love,
I'm just spelling out the facts.

You are so... spineless.

I thought marrying Cal McGregor
would mean something,

but no.

I married a worm.

No, love, I don't think
you're really being fair there.

Just fuck off back to Play School.

You right, Cal?

Yeah, I'll be fine.
It's just this Oatley business.

He was a fine bloke.

(SIRENS WAIL)

Ladies and gentlemen, please
assemble in an orderly fashion.

Oi! Oi!

- What is going on here?
- (SOBS)

Oh, God! You alright?

You'll be right. Oh, yuck.

Is that vomit? Oh, that is revolting.

- Ahh...
- Jesus!

You're picking up the dry-cleaning
on this, for sure.

Fuck, I'm a senator,

I can't be walking around

covered in somebody else's
fuckin' three-bean mix.

Not a good idea.

Now, will you two accompany me,
please, to the tents?

No, no, mate, take her, take her.
I just got here.

- I'm alright. I'm good.
- Cleave.

Did you come into physical contact
with this person?

What, with her? Me and her? No. No way.

- Isn't that her vomit you're wearing?
- This... that's an Andy Chow, FYI.

Finest tailor in Hong Kong.

- She launched herself at me.
- Follow me, please, sir.

I was just trying
to give her some comfort.

I'm an innocent bystander.
I didn't... I'm fucked...

Fuck me!

Guys, these shoes...
These are Italian shoes,

Fuck!

Roll over, please.

- What?
- Roll over, please, sir.

Fucking kidding!

And remove your hands, please, sir!

Oh, God!

Nicole!

Thank you.

Mr Secretary...

...there's been a terrorist attack
on the Australian Parliament.

Really?

Singaporeans have offered an
alternate venue for the conference.

How many times do I have to tell you
I fucking hate Singapore?

The heat and humidity
aggravates my asthma.

I know.

I already told them.

The Australians say they have
another venue which will be safe.

Well, I hope so, 'cause I'll be
dammed if I'm going to Singapore.

And if the Australians fuck this up,

they won't know what hit them.

You never, ever touch me.

You've made it your business
to not touch me.

And today you decide,
"Oh, yeah, I know what,

"I'll just drape myself on Cleave,

"and cover him
with my chunky chicken chowder."

Or your bloody Ebola virus
or whatever it is.

If I die, it's murder,

Do you hear that?

And if I don't die, it's assault
with the intention to commit murder.

Sorry, I was very sick
and I was very confused, Cleaver.

I just went to pick up my clothes.

- Guess what?
- Well, they've destroyed them.

Bingo!

My one and only Andy Chow suit.

I bought that suit in Hong Kong in '98.

Never gone out of style.
The man's a genius!

One arm and he's still
the greatest tailor in the world.

- (GROANS)
- His clients...

Pierce Brosnan.

- I'm out...
- Robert Palmer.

David Hasselhoff.

No, not Hasselhof.
The fuckwit from Simply Red. Me.

Yeah.

I wanted to be buried
in that suit, Nicole.

Oh, well, if it's a comfort to you,
Cleaver,

I'd like to see you buried in it as well.

Linus, please feel safe.

There is no reason to change venues.

Canberra, it is. Well, I hope so.

In fact, we have, Mr Secretary,

a perfectly good and honourable venue

in our former Parliament House.

I look forward to seeing you there.

- Goodbye.
- Yes, goodbye.

(NEW ZEALAND ACCENT)
Welcome to the museum

of Australian democracy, children.

I'm Mr Seaton,

and I am the director here
and also the senior tour guide.

So if you have any questions at all,
I'm the one to ask.

Excuse me, son, just move right back.

You don't touch George V.

Nobody touches George.

OK? That goes for everyone.

Right, well, let's, uh, start with
a few basic questions, shall we?

See how clever you are.

Who was Australia's first prime minister?

Edmund Barton.

- Who was yours?
- I beg your pardon?

Well, you're not Australian.
You're a Kiwi, aren't you?

Yes, as a matter of fact, I am.

So who was your first prime minister?

I know... Ooh, blazes.

(DOOR OPENS)

You.

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

Get the kids out first
then any non-essentials.

What the heck do you people
think you're doing?

OK? I want you to halt, cease and desist.

- You in charge?
- Yes, I am.

And you, sir, and your gang,

you are breaking about 23
Commonwealth laws as we speak.

Well, I am Gareth Morrow.

Minister for of Homeland Security,

so I don't think we're breaking any laws.

The Prime Minister is commandeering
this house

until the situation at the new
Parliament is clarified.

By the way, we are having
a drinks party here tonight,

and tomorrow a crucial round of talks

with various international dignitaries,

all in the hope that Asia will still
exist this time next Wednesday.

Bring them down.

Clear.

My minister will hear about this.

The Minister for the Arts?
Dear, oh, dear, I am in trouble.

We only have half a dozen
functioning phone lines,

there is no broadband,
we share four dongles between us.

It won't work.

Ladies and gentlemen,
just a bit of shoosh, please.

The Prime Minister of Australia.

Colleagues, I'm here to tell you,

that these terrorists will be apprehended

and the business of the Australian
government will proceed undaunted.

Now, I dare say, it's going to be
a little squeezy in here.

This place has functioned
as a Parliament for 35 years,

so there will be a sharing of
offices and resources.

It's going to be tough,
but we must show leadership.

We must inspire the Australian people

with our ability to roll up
our sleeves and get the job done

on their behalf.

We will show the world the meaning
of the expression,

dignity in adversity

because we are members
of the Australian Parliament,

and we are as one for our nation.

- Stand back, please.
- Get back!

I mean, I don't even care
about a bloody office, do you?

No!

As long as it's kind of
a reasonable size. North facing.

Senior cabinet and prime ministerial
staff, this way.

The rest of you, just please
keep moving on.

There's a hidey hole around here, Cleave.

Does anyone know how this works?

Wait! Excuse me.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

No! Argh!

Bugger off.

(WHISTLES)

- No wi-fi...
- Oh, mate.

Oh, God!

What a goat fuck.

Argh! Not on your nellie.

Here.

Oh, where'd those bloody things
come from?

- I thought the place was sealed.
- Nothing in or out.

I mean, that was the one advantage
of this shit.

- No more files.
- It's an offsite server, Cleaver.

Oh, the bastards think of
everything. I can't work like this!

I can't even not work like this.

It really doesn't matter
the size of the space

in which you do nothing, does it?

You got to go home and get changed.

You've got that drinks reception
with your old mate tonight.

Is that thing with Linus still on.

Can I please come in the car
with you? I'm buggered.

I don't know, do you still smell?

Go back, go back!

Why are you bringing all this...

I mean, I would have thought

this was a golden opportunity
to start again?

- Do you know what I mean?
- I know what you mean.

- I mean, just let it go.
- Let it go.

We've got to be much more kind of...
Taoist about all this shit.

- (HELICOPTER FLIES OVERHEAD)
- (SIRENS WAIL)

God.

Unbelievable.

Not one of my relatives has called
to see if I was OK, not even my son.

Bloody pack of ingrates.

I beg your pardon, sir. I telephoned
Wendy and Finnegan myself.

I knew you'd have no reception
in the old House.

They were very relieved to hear
you and Nicole were alright.

Ah.

I hope I didn't overstep any boundaries.

No. No, no, that's great.
Oh, thanks, Jakob.

Ooh, shit, I hope this doesn't mean
my Buzz Stay booking cancels.

You have Buzz Stay guests? Since when?

No, these will be the first.
Why... why not?

I've got a spare bedroom.

What... I'll tell you why not.

Because... because the place
is paid for by the government.

- Oh.
- So it's probably a crime, Cleaver.

Oh... (MAKES CLUCKING SOUND)

Honestly, I've never known anybody
so obsessed with criminality.

It's like a... Poor old Brian Oakley, eh?

(INCOMING EMAIL CHIME)

He's, uh... he was a good lawyer.

He was a lousy politician. Loved a party.

Indeed he did, it would seem.

Oh, yeah, what do you know?

His driver and the Education
Minister's driver...

Brian Oakley was on with
the Education Minister?

I don't know anything, sir,
I'm just a driver.

But...

But word is he had passed
before the explosion

and... he wasn't alone when he did so.

What, so Brian died on the job
with Astrid?

- It's not up to me to speculate, sir.
- (LAUGHS)

But an ambulance was seen outside
the members' entrance

before the attack.

Jesus.

I presume the PM wants to spare
his family the indignity.

Did you hear that? Brian!

What you didn't know him, did you?

I got an email from Barney.

I asked you for that leave, Cleaver.

I wanted to go to Sardinia with them.

Sardinia.

I wanted to go with Barney and the kids

just for a couple of weeks' holiday,

but, I mean, he desperately needed
that but, no, you refused me leave!

Sorry, I can't... all I'm reading
is a whole lot of bullshit

about what a wonderful woman you are.

Skip to the second page, Cleaver!

Second page? Jesus, I hate long emails.

Oh, shit.

He met someone.
I just wanted two weeks' leave.

But, no, you couldn't give me the leave.

Well, I... you know,
you are my chief of staff.

Excuse me! Huh?

I thought at the time that you
might have actually been useful.

- I didn't realise...
- Now he has met someone, Cleaver!

He's met an Italian woman,
for Christ's sake.

I mean... I mean, all Italian women
look like Monica Bellucci!

- Oh.
- And guess what else?

She has a widowed mother,
who actually likes him.

Not all Italian women
look like Monica Bellucci.

Oh, really? You know, because...
because I googled her, Cleaver.

There you are.

- Oh, my God.
- You're joking.

Shit, are you sure?

- This is who Barney's with?
- And guess what...

I mean she looks a lot
like Monica Bellucci.

She has a husband who died,
falling down some stairs.

- No.
- Yeah. Just like Scarlet.

So they have shared grief.

Shared grief?

- I mean...
- I mean, that's crazy.

I can't compete with that.
I can't. I can't.

I can't compete with Monica Bellucci...

- No.
- ..and a loving mother...

- Yeah.
- ..and shared grief.

Yeah. Not a chance.

I mean, that's just incredible.

How...? What are the odds?

- (SOBS) Oh, my God!
- Do you know what I mean?

And I'll tell you the other thing.

- Sardinia wasn't even...
- He's met someone!

...wasn't even Barney's dream
Mediterranean escape destination

in the first place.

He was... it wasn't even meant to be.

That was Wendy's and my dream
Mediterranean escape destination.

Look...

Barney was gone the day
that Scarlet died.

He couldn't be in that house anymore.

It was too sad.

He couldn't be in Sydney,
he didn't want to be here.

He told me so himself.

Therefore, it's not about you.

(SOBS)

Welcome to Australia, Mr Secretary.

Joe. Hello.

Hello.

Thank you.

It's all going on here. I'm afraid so.

A giant cluster fuck, pardon my Chinese.

- This way, Mr Secretary.
- Hmm.

- Madam Prime Minister.
- Mr Secretary.

The, um... the President asked me
to express our sympathies

and the solidarity
for the United States has

with our great friends and allies,
the Australian people.

Together we shall defeat the
scourge of terror by any means.

Thank you from the deepest bottom,
the bottom of our hearts.

It means a great deal.

This is our Minister for Homeland
Security, Gareth Morrow.

How are you, Minister?

We're bearing up, thank you,
Mr Secretary.

Serious people for serious times.

But the talks must go on.
There's too much at stake.

We need a treaty signed by tomorrow.

Yes, well, the United States is not
only prepared to sign a treaty

but they will lead this alliance
no matter what the consequences.

Quite.

(POWER TOOL WHIRRS)

You know, I like the old schoolness
of this place.

I do.

You know, I'm... I'm an old-school
kind of guy.

Harvard, West Point.

I don't think I've seen one of these
since the first moon landing.

Zenith. I believe it's
in the Smithsonian now.

I like the way you preserve your history,

I mean, some pretty big decisions
were made in this office, I imagine.

- You know, during the wars.
- Mm-hm.

These telecommunication systems
don't still work, do they?

I wouldn't know, actually.

Oh, it's a pity. What about your phones?

Ah, the satellite phone works if you
stand on that ladder over there.

No, you can use mine.

It works anywhere, dammit.
It has its own satellite.

I swear to God, it could cook
a roast chicken. Its name's Patsy.

- (LAUGHS)
- It's a crazy world!

And so I understand that you've
spent some time in Australia?

Yes, yes, some 20 years ago

I was assigned here as a young
military attache to Sydney.

In fact, it was one of
your current senators.

He extended such social kindness
and courtesy to me

that I've always had a very deep
place in my heart for this country.

It was a club called Rose.

Ooh. (LAUGHS)

- How wonderful, Mr Secretary!
- Yes, it was.

Um, which Senator was that?

Ah, yes, this was Senator Cleaver Greene.

I'm very much looking forward
to seeing him tonight.

Excuse me, Mr Secretary.

Madam Prime Minister, may I be excused?

I need to go and have a word
with my chief of staff

about tonight's arrangements.

You do.

You do, indeed.

Tarry not. (LAUGHS)

Yes, Senator Greene is considered
a very, very good friend

to the United States.

Vikki!

- (WHISPERS) Cancel Scrotum.
- Huh? What did you say?

Cancel fucking Scrotum. Go!

- (CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS)
- (LOW-LEVEL CHATTER)

(MUSICIANS PLAY DISCORDANTLY)

Well, I think it's all going
splendidly, don't you?

Under the circumstances.

Victory plucked from the jaws,
and all that.

Mr Secretary. Madam Prime Minister.

Would you like some champagne?

I'm told there's plenty more ice
on its way.

No, no, no, those days are lost to me.

The defence of liberty
is probably better for it.

This is our national treasurer,
Gregory Peters.

- How do you do, sir?
- How do you do, Mr Secretary?

How much is that socialist health
care program costing you these days?

About 23% per capita, what your
health care system is costing you.

(LAUGHS)

Oh.

(CLEAVER LAUGHS)

- Ah! Look at us.
- Look at us!

- Huh?
- Hmm.

Joe, Gar, Prime Minister, Greg?

Cleaver. I believe you and
the Secretary are old friends.

Oh, yes, we... we go...

I mean, how... when would that have...

'98, '99, Marcus Levy's birthday,
as I recall.

- Oh, God.
- Wild times!

We're all grown up now.

May I have your attention,
ladies and gentlemen.

Quiet, please.

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

Thank you. My name is Mr Edmond Seaton.

I am the director and senior guide here

at the Museum of Australian Democracy.

- Who is this idiot?
- He's no-one. I'll sort him out.

...explain to you the procedures,
in case of an emergency,

which I would say
is particularly relevant

considering the events today
at the other place.

So, we have three exits,
down there and to the right...

(WHISPERS) Edmund, fuck off.

As I was saying, we have the three exits.

Prime Minister, it would be lovely
to recall old times with Cleaver,

so if you wouldn't mind
giving us a few minutes.

Absolutely, Mr Secretary.

Thank you.

Excuse me.

Shit.

It's OK.

Scrotum is on hold and ready to go,

once the treaty's signed.

Is there somewhere private
that we could speak?

Oh, I have the living definition
of privacy.

I mean, I think it's down here.

I should have left a trail of bread.

Fuck.

Ahh.

- This is it?
- This is it.

You're kidding! What a fucking shithole.

Welcome to the Australian Senate.

Hey, listen, you got any booze?

Oh. Uh...

Oh, there's a bar fridge somewhere,
but I'm buggered if I can find it.

Oh, Jesus.

(LAUGHS)

How the hell did you become
a senator, anyway?

(LAUGHS)

Ah, well, there may have been
a little bit of confusion

with people voting Green,

but they were voting Green
with an extra 'E'.

Beautiful.

Beautiful! I love it.

Tonight we're going to party
like it's 1999.

Do you remember that party in 1999?

Oh, mate, I'll never forget.

Professor Wasabi
and his many coloured pills.

And his little sidekick with the skin...

Skin tag. Couldn't take your eyes off.

No.

That's why I want to have a party.

Old party, old time, like we used to.

We could do it at your place?

You know, my secret service boys,
a couple of hookers.

Come on.
Ah, not really, mate, not mine, no.

I mean, you know, the fact
that I'm an Australian Senator

is obviously irrelevant,

but you're the US Defense Secretary,

plus, there's a bit of an issue

with one of my neighbours
just at the moment,

some... some bad feng shui.

You do realise that the treaty
tomorrow is total bullshit!

- It's all for show.
- What are you talking about?

World war is inevitable.

It could start tomorrow at 12 noon
and end at about 6:00-ish.

Sorry, what?

What... are you kid... Why?

The President wants a fucking war,

preferably global, you know that?

So could you just do me a favour?

Make some calls, and organise something?

You know? (SNIFFS, KISSES)

Fuck!

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYS)

- Come on! Come on!
- (LAUGHTER)

Fucking hell!
Guys, keep it down, will ya!

You're going to get me fucking
kicked out of here.

Keep it down to a bloody
stadium level, will you?

Honestly.

Fuck me.

Alright, that's it.

Fuck this.

Whoo!

Yes, alright, listen, mate, that's fine,

but if my neighbour comes down,
it's on your head, alright?

Your... the American
Secret Service's head

or whatever you fucking are.

Where's Linus?

Linus?

Come here! Come here!

Whoo!

Linus!

Linus!

Line!

Line!

Line!

(MUTTERING)

(SINGS SOFTLY)

Thought you wanted to party.

I am. In my own way.

Well...

You really had me going for a while there

with all that World War III
bullshit, mate.

I mean, even if the President
was serious,

you wouldn't let it happen, would you?

I mean, you'd stop him?

Technically I'm not supposed to,

but the truth is that Pentagon
has no confidence in the President

so they give him the wrong numbers.

You give the President the wrong
numbers for the nuclear codes.

Would you give this president
the right numbers?

It's all in here, Cleave.

The world is not going to end
with a bang,

it's going to end with a phone call.

- Bullshit.
- Her name's Patsy.

Who's name's Patsy?

My phone.

That's a lovely name, Patsy,
for a nuclear launching device.

It's the real deal, Cleaver.

- Show us.
- Right, right.

I'm going to put the future
of the entire world

in Cleaver Greene's hands.

Well, mate, you're not exactly instilling

a whole lot of confidence
in your hands, tonight.

I know you, Cleave, I know you.

And Patsy is better off in my hands,

even though sometimes
I just want to blow it all up.

Mate, what are you talking about?

You've got a wife, you've got three kids.

What are you talking about?
My marriage is political.

- I don't understand.
- What don't you understand?

I work for a certifiable narcissist.

I live in a loveless marriage,

within where I've had sex three times,

each time producing a child.

The whole world is about to go ka-boom,

and my boyfriend of 15 years
dumped me on Wednesday.

Your boyfriend?

Right.

He's a moderate Republican
congressmen from the Midwest and...

...I love him.

So he's a moderate Republican,

he's just a little bit pro-life,
a little bit pro-gun,

and just a tiny bit anti-gay.

(CHUCKLES)

- Little bit...
- Jesus.

Mate, I thought my life was shit.

(LAUGHS)

Fuck.

Ah.

Can you just stop fiddling with that?
It's a little disconcerting.

There are nine numbers in the code.

And I think...

...that I have pressed eight of them
five times since Wednesday.

So have you...
have you pressed eight, now?

- Yes, I have.
- Seriously?

Seriously.

Look, there's no compelling reason

why I should be alive right now.

I mean, any actuary worth his salt
would tell you

I should have died long ago.

But here I am,

in the middle of all the shit
and squalor of my life,

entirely self-inflicted,

because, along the way,

there have just been
these tiny little moments

of... breathtaking joy.

It does happen, mate.

It will happen again.

- I like joy.
- Good.

OK.

So, here's what I'm thinking, right?

We just sleep on the whole
"let's blow up the world" idea,

until tomorrow.

If you wake up in the morning
and you still feel like it,

go for it.

But, you know,

now let's just... let's just
head back in there,

we'll kick those fuckwits out,

and we'll just have a nice cup of tea
and a natter.

- Oh...
- Eh?

That would be so nice.

Come on, we're getting too old
for this shit.

I know it, I know it.

- Come on, mate.
- Alright.

Come on. What a fuckwit.

Eh? Aren't you?

- (LAUGHS)
- Eh?

Cleave...

...Patsy...

...is just a phone.

- Patsy's just a phone.
- Yep.

Can't blow anything up.

- What is wrong with you?
- (LAUGHS)

Oh, ha ha ha!

Oh, yeah, let's have some fun.

I just needed some space
to clear my head.

Oh, needed some space

and needed to fucking make me look
like a fucking red-hot tool.

- I don't...
- What is wrong with you?

- What?
- What is wrong with you?

Come on, make me a cup of tea,
my love, hmm?

- You're still gay, though, yeah?
- Yes.

♪ US Forces give the nod ♪

♪ It's a setback for your country ♪

♪ Sing me songs of no denying ♪

♪ Seems to me too many trying ♪

♪ Waiting for the next big thing. ♪

I told you, man, I fucking told you
this'd be like Berlin.

Oh! Oh!

Mate, what you're doing there, that
doesn't look like such a good idea.

I'm going to send one of these to
the fucking President.

Oh, he'll love it.

Happy Birthday, Mr Fucking President.

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

Greene! Greene!

Shut the music down!

I'm calling the police!

Greene!

Greene!

So, which hospital?

No, no. No hospital. The usual place.

- Where's the Secretary?
- I don't know, mate.

I mean, we were all there...

My brother's just been arrested again.

- Isn't that your ex-husband?
- No!

- Flank me. Flank me.
- There's only one of me, Cleaver.

Dogs of war.

Does that thing look at everybody
like that?

He's texted photos of his dick.

(LAUGHS)

I need you to publicly verify

that that is not my penis.

Oh, Jesus!

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