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SONG: # 10 years in the jailer's eye

# And I'm thinking 'bout my baby

# Looking at my life go by

# Oh, yeah

# I just wanted to kiss someone

# I've got the moon dog blues

# You just happened to be standing there

# So won't you tell me

# Won't you tell me the truth?

# Are you old enough?

# Are you old enough?

# Are you old enough?

# Are you old enough?

# Are you old enough? Ooh-ooh

# Are you old enough?

# Oh

# See the lady in the streetcar light

# Colour a la Toulouse

# Television and red, red wine

# So, won't you tell me

# Won't you tell me the truth?

# Are you old enough?

# Are you old enough?

# Are you old enough? Ooh-ooh

# Are you old enough?

# Are you old enough... #

What do you think you're doing?

Sorry, mate. Just popped into the wrong car.

I thought it was my Kingswood.

# Are you old enough?

# Are you old enough... #

Morning, Debs.

Hotter than Africa, isn't it? Mmm.

Do you want toast, Dad? Thank you, sweetheart.

WOMAN: (CALLS) David!

Where's David? (CALLS) David!

Oh, have you finished 'Emma'?

Yeah. It was great.

Mmm. Can you put some pants on?

I have a strange rash on my inner legs. Up near my...

Yes, David. Alright. Breakfast is not the place for...

Oh, you're probably just chafing.

Uh, I'm with Dad. Can we not talk about this while we're eating?

I have to go. Debbie, can you look after David, please?

You cannot be serious.

And yet you know I am.

Uh, I'm 10, and she's not looking there!

(DOOR CLOSES)

(SLEEPILY) Hey, poppet.

Are we late?

Yeah.

I had a dream.

Bad or good?

I was in this park.

And there were all these rabbits around me.

They started talking to me.

What were they saying?

"You're pretty. Do you have any carrots?"

Stuff like that.

Mmm.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)

MAN: Oh, hello.

Still asleep, are we?

Mmm, we are.

Well, that just won't do.

(BOTH LAUGH, SQUEAL)

(WATERBED SLOSHES)

Girl overboard! (LAUGHS) I hate you!

Go and get educated, my darling.

BOY: Should we go to school?

Reckon we already missed English?

That's alright. I already speak English.

(CHUCKLES) So, one more?

GIRL: He's choking, isn't he?

I don't think so.

MAN: Girls, don't look so horrified.

They're not kittens. They're rodents.

And this is the most humane way.

He looks like Linus. You remember Linus?

Your neighbour? My guinea pig.

Now, take your cylinders of carbon dioxide,

attach the hose to the air hole...

That's it. And open the cylinder.

Try not to inhale.

In a minute, the creature will die.

Oi, if anyone doesn't want to kill theirs, I'll do 'em.

(LAUGHTER)

Thank you, Dr Mengele. I think everyone's fine.

OK, people, in a minute, grab your spiky things,

and we're gonna insert them into their eye to pierce their brain

so as to ensure that they are dead.

Then, grab your scalpels,

and we're going to look at the beauty of an animal

and its internal systems.

It really is remarkable.

(WHISPERS) I can't do this.

Faint.

Sir? She fainted.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

(SCREECHES)

GIRL: I was looking for you.

I guess you can stop.

Thought you were gonna meet me up the canteen.

I got busy.

The waves were good. Right.

You'd better pash me, then. Make it up.

Oh, if I have to. Come on. Pash me off.

(ONLOOKERS JEER, WHISTLE)

WOMAN: Vicki?

Really?

Next year, when you no doubt ARE a stripper, you can act like one.

Sorry, Mrs Grantham.

Didn't mean to make you jealous.

(OTHERS JEER) GIRL: Sorry!

That Gary guy's so good-looking. He's like a god.

Better than.

I'd let him do it with me.

He couldn't be your first. You wouldn't know what to do.

BOY: Hey.

Got you a Splice.

Splice is nice. I could eat one twice.

Right. See you.

You have to drop him.

He's nice. He got me a Splice.

And Splice is nice... Debbie.

You can't be one of them

if you're pashing dickheads from South Cronulla.

FATHER: Oh, yeah.

Nah, course.

Yeah. No, no problems.

Yep. I'll talk to you soon.

Jesus! (SIGHS) What's wrong?

He wants the cray's moustache thicker.

"Woggier", in his words. Oh.

Yeah. And a beret. So we know he's French.

So, the 'Monsieur' in 'Monsieur Crayfish' doesn't give it away?

Oh, apparently not.

Maybe I should put a baguette in each pincer

and the Eiffel Tower up his arse.

(LAUGHS) Honey, it's easy.

Come on, you can do it. It's no big deal.

Or get Doug to do it. (GRUNTS)

Why are you shitty? (SIGHS)

Have you seen that new Chicago album cover?

Yeah. It's great.

Chocolate in the wrapper. Yes.

Or that cigarette ad - Tareyton.

That's the kind of stuff I want to be doing.

I mean, am I really gonna be spending the rest of my life

drawing food that wears hats?

Yeah, but, babe, we're doing really well.

Money-wise. I know.

I'm...I'm just... What? A frustrated genius?

Finally. Someone understands. (BOTH LAUGH)

Look, it's Friday.

So why don't you piss off to the beach?

Hey? Go on.

What about this work? Hey, no. Enough about the work.

Go. Take the keys... Honey...

No. Get out.

Enjoy yourself. (SIGHS)

Dougie, that's not straight.

(LAUGHS)

G'day, Ernie. Getting fat, mate?

Yeah, fuck you, you cheeky prick!

You kiss your children with that mouth?

I kiss your mother!

Then I roll her over and... Easy, tiger.

You have a good day, mate. See you, mate.

Hey, Ernie...

..how's your boy Charlie?

(GIGGLES) Knickers?

Yeah. Knickers, knickers, knickers.

Oh! I have to go see my mum.

Oh! But hurry. I want to sit at the back of the bus.

We can't just sit up the back of the bus, Sue.

Just change seats like that.

Well, not at the very back of the bus, but close to them.

They see us as goody-goodies.

Well, we're not.

We should start smoking!

And is that language appropriate, Mr Dale?

No, but she said... I don't care.

You don't tell a teacher to...

Get rooted? Yes.

Do you know what that means? No.

Well, that's something, at least.

How many?

(DOOR OPENS) How m...?

Debbie. Outside, please.

Just wait a minute. (CLEARS THROAT)

Knock. Sorry.

Do your button up. I can see your bra, for God's sake.

Sorry. There's something wrong with the button, actually.

Here's a shopping list.

Can you get dinner started? OK.

And I got you something from the library.

Jane Austen. 'Persuasion'. Thanks.

Yeah. You are gonna love it, Deb! It's so great!

The boundaries a girl had to deal with in society.

I have to go, Mum. I'm gonna miss the bus.

Bye. OK. Bye.

So, Mr Dale...

..here is...a book.

'Green Eggs and Ham'.

Read it aloud to me, please.

A book? Can't I just get the cane instead?

(GIRLS SQUEAL EXCITEDLY)

(BOTH GIGGLE)

What? You're up there now.

What? You're up there now.

No way, moll. Nick off or I'll smash you!

(BOTH LAUGH)

Um, yeah. Think I'll go to the beach this arvo, probably.

(QUIETLY) We did it!

(GIRLS LAUGH)

(DOOR CLOSES)

Gary?

GARY: Hey, Mum.

I made some Anzacs for you.

Oh! Ta.

Classy! (CHUCKLES)

Your hair. What did you do to it?

I had it done.

Don't you like it?

It's very modern.

Yeah. That's what I was gonna say.

It looks...kind of like the Opera House.

Really? (LAUGHS)

What, bad?

Mum, I'm teasing you. It looks great.

We're going to go to the club tonight.

Your father will be home at seven.

OK.

Maybe I should wear the blue dress.

(CALLS OUT) Yeah, sure.

Your father likes me in blue.

('LOVIN' YOU' BY MINNIE RIPERTON PLAYS ON RADIO)

Charlie Dwyer, Cranky Ernie's son,

he works at Clemengers in the city.

They do brilliant stuff.

I rang him.

I have to send over some of our work.

We're busy already.

Then we get busier.

I don't see the point in that.

Pam.

(SIGHS) Oh, don't give me that "we got knocked up so young, we missed out on things" look.

Bullshit. It's annoying.

Sue, ignore your mother.

I'll sack you if we get it.

Really? Really.

You'd better find your best work, then.

Ham steak and pineapple.

Can I just get sweets?

How about you just get a clip round the ears instead?

And then just sweets?

(LAUGHS) DEBBIE: I just want chips.

And salad.

(QUIETLY) Hi.

Hi, Cheryl. Mrs Vickers.

Hi, Cheryl.

Who wants to start? (SIGHS) Do we have to?

I'll start.

We got a new computer at work today.

Oh!

It'll calculate all the statistics for a month of research

in a day.

(CHUCKLES) It's amazing. Wow.

I made the cricket team for the grand final next week.

I thought you were averaging six runs a game.

I was, and I got dropped.

And then they brought Phil in.

But he's done three golden ducks in a row, so I'm back in.

Oh! Congratulations!

That law of attrition's working for you.

Debs. Biggest thing for you this week.

Um...the book Mum gave me.

Oh, do you like it? Yeah, Mum. It's great.

Mum, what about you this week?

Um, my fourth-grade teacher's looking a bit shaky,

10% of my budget got slashed,

but, you know, no fatalities, so that's a bonus.

Can I go see if Sue's here? When dinner's finished.

Do you kids want pink lemonade?

Judy? Riesling? Please.

Debbie!

There's Ben.

Yeah.

Do you want me to do it?

Yeah. Thanks.

Hey. How's it going... You're dropped.

BOYS: Oooh! (LAUGH)

(MUSIC PLAYS IN HEADPHONES)

Hi.

Sorry. Gary!

Your father's so tired, he's gonna stay in town.

(SIGHS)

Right.

Yeah, he's got an emergency root canal in the morning,

so it's best, rather than come back here all this way in the traffic.

So I thought that maybe I could cook dinner

and we could chat... chat about school.

Or we could get some fish and chips and bring them back here

and...you could have half a cheeky beer. (CHUCKLES)

Nah. I was still gonna go to the club, Mum.

And I reckon you should come too.

Meet some people.

Not without your father. It's not... You can make some new friends.

It's not really right. Jesus!

So, fish and chips, then?

(SIGHS)

Hello there.

Oh. You look nice.

Yeah, you too. Oh! Thanks for lying.

She's tired.

How's school?

Great.

You realise that you've pretty much been at that school

since you were five?

I try not to think about it.

Oh, I think it's nice, that continuity.

And she's great at it.

Think of the stories I could tell those impressionable kids

about their headmistress.

Boring stories of me doing the right thing all the time?

Yeah.

And it's 'principal' now.

I always hated 'headmistress'.

It always sounded like I was the chief whore.

(BOTH LAUGH LOUDLY)

(CHUCKLES) Cheeky!

(QUIETLY) That's not appropriate.

('I'M STRANDED' BY THE SAINTS PLAYS)

DEBBIE: Look at him.

SUE: Darren Peters.

He's a complete doll.

He looked at me at the shops the other day.

He didn't! Yeah.

I almost had a heart attack. Thought I was gonna die.

Mr Candy?

Hey, girls.

Ew! (BOTH LAUGH)

Look what I stole.

Unreal!

Oh, look. Cheryl and Vicki are going to the dunny.

How's Gary?

He's not even talking.

Cheer him up, then.

Hi.

Want a smoke?

(AMERICAN ACCENT) It's your international passport to...

Shut up and give us one.

Molls.

Molls.

BOY: A round of vino?

So, uh...are you gonna talk tonight?

Piss off.

That's better.

Just takes a little practice.

BOY: Come on, let's go to the beach. GIRL: Straccy, don't.

Just a quick. No.

Straccy, stop it!

Straccy, fuck...! Straccy!

Straccy, stop! Don't! Just leave me alone!

DEBBIE: Who's that?

I think her name's Tracy. Get off me!

Tracy Smart?

Maybe. She's not that smart if she's with Straccy, though.

Let go!

Snake?

Got any red ones?

(TRACY SCREECHES IN DISTANCE)

What are you doing?

I'm sitting.

Well, you could be sociable.

I was.

There's only so much talk about how the Sharks are going to do this year

or whether Malcolm Fraser's a poofter I can do.

And I've done it.

It looks weird.

Like you're up yourself.

Well, you could sit with me.

I came to have a good time.

SONG: # She wears a mean pair of jeans

# Tell me what you mean

# A mean pair of jeans

# Oh, I see what you mean

# And they're, oh, so tight

# And they're, oh, so tight... #

Do you like my jeans?

Ace, huh?

Five-finger discounts.

I was packing death.

I put them on in the change room and I come out

and the security guard follows me all the way to the front.

I'm thinking, "Oh, I'm SO dead."

But nah. He was only checking out my arse.

Yeah, they're nice.

Do you ever watch clouds float by and think...

.."I can't believe you're full of rain"?

Are you going to finish or what? My jaw's killing me.

Sorry. Yeah.

(TURNS ON RADIO)

(FLICKS THROUGH STATIONS)

(JAZZ PLAYS)

(TURNS OFF RADIO)

Do you think I should wear a box this week at cricket...

Shut up. You shut up.

You're such an idiot. Just making conversation.

(SIGHS)

(BOTH WARBLE DRUNKENLY)

Thank you very much. I'll be here next Thursday.

So, was it a good night, sweetheart? Kiss any boys?

Mum!

(SINGS) # Camptown ladies sing this song... #

(LAUGHS) No, don't! (LAUGHS)

# The Camptown racetrack, five miles l...five miles long... #

No, it's... (SINGS) # The Camptown races sing this song

BOTH: # Doo-dah, doo-dah... #

(BOTH SING DRUNKENLY)

(TYRES SCREECH)

Dad! (LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)

(LAUGHS)

Well, I think it's possible I'm too drunk to drive.

(LAUGHS)

(BOTH LAUGH)

Oh, I certainly am, darling. Oh. You right back there, darl?

Hey, I've got an idea. Follow me.

Let's go. We've got a park.

(LAUGHS)

You're close to the gutter. I'm fine.

Why did you drop Ben?

David, I am warning you.

But he used to always give me a Redskin.

And then I just saw him and he Chinese-burned me.

Look. I'll probably have to put Savlon on.

Ow! Mum, she hit me! He was being an idiot.

Enough!

Don't. Ow! Stop!

(SMACKS HIM) Look, settle down or you'll walk home!

(DRYLY) Might be safer if we did.

(SUE'S PARENTS LAUGH) No, you can't!

Oh, you young people! You're so conservative!

Come on! (GIGGLES)

Come on!

(LAUGHS)

(BOTH LAUGH, SCREAM)

How embarrassing!

How embarrassing!

(LAUGHTER)

So, it's a shame to see Pam go.

MAN: Yeah. No more doing it in the office.

Go easy on the moselle. Sorry.

But she seemed to love it here so much. Doing the bookwork.

(LAUGHS) Cleaning up after you animals.

And now she'll be at home just tending to her husband's every whim.

I don't recall that being part of my plans.

So, a toast. A toast to my beautiful wife.

Cin-cin. Cin-cin.

Now, back to work, you mugs. Back to work?

We've got shitloads to do. That Clemenger stuff has to be brilliant.

So, we can't get pissed?

Well, the way you draw, seems like you are half the time.

Come on. We've got to do a good job on this one.

Shag on a rock. Have fun, all.

I'll see you later.

I miss you already. Mm-hm.

And don't flirt with slutty Karen.

Her hem's been getting higher all week. Be home by five, OK?

I will...

..do my best.

Do you think this is working? Yeah, I think so.

Hi, Cheryl. Shut up, moll.

She seemed friendlier. I thought so.

Hmm.

"10 ways to tell that your man is cheating on you.

"One - he starts going to the gym.

"Two - he buys a new hairpiece."

Yuck. (LAUGHS)

"Three - he's got scratches on his back

"and lipstick on his thingy."

(LAUGHS)

Does not say that!

You should wear your crochet bikini tomorrow.

Sure will.

And won't the Greenhills boys love it?

They'll swoon. (GIGGLES)

I wish we had a horse. Then we could ride up.

(FRENCH ACCENT) Make an entrance.

It'd look like a tampon ad. Exactly.

Alas, just our natural beauty will have to be enough.

My God.

(BOTH SCREECH)

Sue, don't get sunburnt again, will you?

Can't stand the whingeing.

I'm sitting in the shade.

And it's almost all peeled off anyway. I'm fine again.

MAN: Gary.

How are you, mate?

Hey, Dad.

Bought some Chink takeaway.

Can you grab it out of the car?

Sometimes I forget how beautiful you are.

(GIGGLES) Oh! And then...wow.

Oh, stop it!

I can't. I see you and I just can't. Oh!

Come here.

Mmm. Mmm.

Dad got Chinese.

And flowers. And wine. Oh!

Hey?

Mum was cooking dinner.

Yeah, and now she's not.

So let's sit down and eat.

She spent the last hour cooking... Gary, it's fine.

I feel like Chinese.

I feel like Chinese.

This will keep.

(SIGHS) Forgot to do my teeth.

(DROPS TROUSERS)

Oh, can you get that tiler to replace the broken one tomorrow?

Yep.

(GRUNTS)

No way. And his name was what?

Hillsong Macaw. OK? (OTHERS SNIGGER)

And, I swear to God,

he opens his mouth,

and there are fleas in there.

Oh, he didn't! Oh, that makes me feel sick.

Except they weren't fleas. You know what they were?

Termites. (LAUGHS) He had wooden fillings.

Well, that's right, smart-arse. They were termites.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, that's icky, isn't it?

Well, go on, Gary, clean up, you lazy prick.

You look tired, sweetheart.

You work so hard. I thought...

Maybe we could go away on holiday.

Just a week.

Can't do it, love.

Oh, you know I wish I could.

I actually have to go to a conference in Terrigal next month.

(PLATE SMASHES)

I could come.

No. No. Boring for you, love.

Wouldn't subject you to it.

I'm gonna have a shower.

Nice of your dad to bring food.

(GLASS SMASHES)

(GLASS SMASHES)

JUDY: Oh, please don't eat like that.

Hey, how's your French going? You know you need to keep practising.

Si, senor. Ha ha ha ha. Funny.

It's important for uni, 'cause some courses, you need a language.

And you've got to give yourself the best chance you can.

Shall we practise some this afternoon together?

I can't. I've got to go to the beach with Sue. I promised.

And a promise is a unbreakable commitment.

Oh, don't quote me to myself. It's annoying.

Au revoir, ma cherie maman.

(BOTH GRUNT)

Go.

I love Paris.

Really?

You snuck off there one night, did you?

Well, I've seen photos.

I get the idea.

(PANTS)

(CHUCKLES) You alright, Dad?

You look a bit red.

Could outrun you any day, smart-arse.

See you. Where are you going?

(SIGHS) Dad, I was joking.

You've got stuff to do around here.

Those gutters need cleaning out.

I'll do them this arvo.

Put the board back!

No.

You need to extract the smart-arse

and dump it off a cliff somewhere.

You got me?

Yes? (SNIFFLES)

Yes, Dad.

OK.

No, mate.

Do 'em this arvo.

You go and surf.

Yeah, there's a pretty good swell.

Just, um...

..you know, don't shit me all the time.

(SOBS)

It's so hot.

I'm gonna get bad BO.

YOU will.

I don't sweat. I perspire.

Me too.

Droplets of perfume, mostly.

How lovely for you.

(SIGHS) Cripes, it's hot!

God, I think I'm gonna melt.

(CHUCKLES) Melt into Darren Peters' arms.

(BOTH GIGGLE)

(GROANS) Seriously? We cannot walk an hour in this.

Maybe we should...stay home today, just swim in the pool, go next week.

We could make Anzacs.

(MUSIC APPROACHES) Shit.

It's him! Darren Peters. Bloody hell.

It's a sign! Of what?

That we're gonna get in.

Course we are. Women like us don't fall off trees.

If they did, men would just sit under trees all day waiting.

(BOTH SQUEAL)

(DOOR CLOSES) JUDY'S HUSBAND: Hello.

Hi.

Did he get off alright? Yeah.

The test starts in one hour.

Right.

Empty house.

Mmm.

Thought maybe we could...

..watch the cricket together...

Oh!

I've got papers to mark and...lesson plans.

I'm down a teacher, remember?

Yeah, yeah. Just a thought. I'll leave you to it.

Only two miles to go.

Oh, no. Bankies.

BOY: Hey. How you doin'? (CURTLY) Fine.

BOY: Do you want to go swimming with us?

Politely declined.

What, you being a smart-arse?

You smell like the freeway. Are you from Bankstown?

Fat-arsed moll!

Rack off, you bloody Westie wog!

I don't care about your fat arse. I'd still root you.

Oh, piss off, or we'll get Darren Peters and our guys

and bash the shit out of youse.

Pffft!

(BOTH GIGGLE)

(BOTH GIGGLE)

(PHONE RINGS)

(SIGHS)

Oh! Lovely shot.

Clive Lloyd, you are a genius.

Insouciant and electrifying.

COMMENTATOR: Nevertheless, one more to the score

at the end of a fine over from Bright.

Well done.

(CRICKET COMMENTARY CONTINUES)

Thanks.

How's it going?

Um...great.

Clive Lloyd...

Genius?

(CHUCKLES) Yes.

Unfortunately, he is.

..through the power of Clive Lloyd's strokes...

(GIRLS GIGGLE)

(GIGGLES) Come on. Piggyback? No.

Oh, yeah. Let's go.

(GIRLS GIGGLE)

No girls. Let's go sit near them.

VICKI: Where are you two going?

Hi, Vicki.

We're just going to sunbake.

Over there.

Further!

We're pretty close. Yeah.

She could have got all the horses together

and trampled us if she wanted to.

Exactly.

They're such spunks.

So cool.

(BOYS LAUGH)

DARREN: And when I'm rooting her,

I swear, she made this sound like a dolphin.

(MIMICS DOLPHIN)

(OTHERS LAUGH)

Which is weird, 'cause you'd think she'd sound like a mole.

I had Cheryl once.

Total dead root.

She was just laying there like she was dead.

I was like, "Can you move your eyes occasionally?

"Just so I know I don't have to call for an ambo?"

(OTHERS LAUGH)

Yeah, I'd root a dead girl. She wouldn't even have to be warm.

You're sick! Perv, mate.

Hey, Gary. What about Vicki?

What?

Yeah, go on, spill, mate.

She's a screamer, isn't she?

Yeah, she looks like she's begging for it.

Oh, mate, she fuckin' screams like she's been stabbed.

She goes off like a landmine. And she's wet like the Pacific.

And after we root, she runs off and gets me a Chiko Roll,

which she feeds to me by hand.

Happy? (SPITS)

You're a bunch of dickheads. I'm going back out.

Gary.

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