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1
00:00:06,280 --> 00:00:09,960
♪ Now I'm not trying to be rude ♪
But, hey, pretty girl, I'm feeling you ♪
2
00:00:10,040 --> 00:00:13,360
♪ The way you do the things you do
Reminds me of my Lexus Coupe ♪
3
00:00:13,440 --> 00:00:16,880
♪ Baby, give me that toot-toot
Let me give you that beep-beep ♪
4
00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:20,680
♪ Running my hands through my 'fro
Bouncing on 24s ♪
5
00:00:20,760 --> 00:00:24,560
♪ It's the remix to "Ignition"
Hot and fresh out the kitchen ♪
6
00:00:24,640 --> 00:00:27,960
♪ Mama rolling that body
Got every man in here wishin' ♪
7
00:00:28,040 --> 00:00:31,960
♪ Sippin' on coke and rum
I'm like, "So what? I'm drunk ♪
8
00:00:32,040 --> 00:00:35,520
♪ It's the freakin' weekend, baby
I'm about to have me some fun ♪
9
00:00:35,800 --> 00:00:38,800
It's always good
to start a television special
10
00:00:39,200 --> 00:00:41,840
with a joke that you'll never be able
to air, isn't it?
11
00:00:46,680 --> 00:00:49,600
-[laughs] So--
-[woman] I want you to have my baby!
12
00:00:49,680 --> 00:00:50,600
Eh?
13
00:00:50,680 --> 00:00:52,240
[woman] Will you have my baby?
14
00:00:52,320 --> 00:00:54,080
Will I have your babies?
15
00:00:55,640 --> 00:00:57,400
Gut instinct says no.
16
00:01:07,800 --> 00:01:09,880
Definitely no. It's definitely no.
17
00:01:12,920 --> 00:01:14,440
I have a system for stand up.
18
00:01:14,520 --> 00:01:17,000
My system is, I go home to Shropshire,
where I'm from,
19
00:01:17,080 --> 00:01:18,680
with a notepad and a pen,
20
00:01:19,040 --> 00:01:21,880
and I wait for my parents
to say weird shit.
21
00:01:22,120 --> 00:01:24,640
Then I come and tell you.
That's my system. Right?
22
00:01:25,360 --> 00:01:26,720
I had some problems this time.
23
00:01:26,800 --> 00:01:27,760
Problem number one...
24
00:01:27,840 --> 00:01:31,480
About three years ago,
my dad, very selfishly, died.
25
00:01:32,640 --> 00:01:34,040
You're pissed off.
26
00:01:34,720 --> 00:01:36,320
I had three shows left in him.
27
00:01:38,320 --> 00:01:39,560
Problem number two...
28
00:01:39,800 --> 00:01:42,560
My mom pulled me to one side
when she heard I was gonna do a new show.
29
00:01:42,640 --> 00:01:45,760
And she went, "I don't want you
to talk about me anymore."
30
00:01:45,840 --> 00:01:48,000
And I went, "What?!"
31
00:01:48,520 --> 00:01:50,640
She said, "I want you to stop
talking about me onstage."
32
00:01:50,760 --> 00:01:53,040
I went, "Why?" She goes,
"You've had two shows out of me.
33
00:01:53,120 --> 00:01:55,880
You've humiliated me on stages
all around the country.
34
00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:58,160
Honestly, I think you've
had your money's worth."
35
00:01:59,200 --> 00:02:02,360
And she's right, ladies and gentlemen.
I have. I've made thousands.
36
00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:04,360
Thousands out of her.
37
00:02:05,120 --> 00:02:07,040
So I stood there, going, "Shit!
38
00:02:07,120 --> 00:02:08,960
What the fuck am I gonna talk about?"
39
00:02:09,440 --> 00:02:11,320
Anyway, then she changed the subject.
40
00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:13,360
And this is what she said...
41
00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:24,440
She said, "Have you been watching any
of that Oscar Pistorius retrial?"
42
00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:26,400
I went, "Here we go.
43
00:02:26,920 --> 00:02:29,480
All right. No, mom, I haven't. Why?"
44
00:02:29,560 --> 00:02:31,360
She goes, "You haven't watched any?"
45
00:02:31,440 --> 00:02:33,040
I said,
"I think I read a little about it."
46
00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:35,240
She goes, "What do you think?"
I went, "What do you mean?"
47
00:02:35,320 --> 00:02:37,640
-She said, "Do you think he did it?"
-I said, "He did do it."
48
00:02:38,280 --> 00:02:39,920
She says, "I know he did.
49
00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:41,480
Do you think you meant to do it?"
50
00:02:41,560 --> 00:02:42,680
I went, "Well...
51
00:02:43,120 --> 00:02:45,720
I'm not sure why we're
talking about this, old lady,
52
00:02:45,800 --> 00:02:48,360
but if you want my opinion, yeah,
53
00:02:48,440 --> 00:02:50,160
he lost his temper and he shot her."
54
00:02:50,880 --> 00:02:53,240
She went, "That's what I think. Yeah."
55
00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:55,480
Then she said two things.
56
00:02:56,240 --> 00:02:59,320
"Now, I want you to tell
me if you were in my position,
57
00:03:00,040 --> 00:03:03,800
would you break a promise you've made
to your 77-year-old mother?"
58
00:03:06,200 --> 00:03:08,520
'Cause they're both fucking astonishing.
59
00:03:11,160 --> 00:03:13,200
Bearing in mind that Oscar Pistorius
60
00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:15,880
shot his girlfriend to death...
61
00:03:16,240 --> 00:03:17,920
Even the build up is hilarious.
62
00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:18,840
She said, this..
63
00:03:18,920 --> 00:03:21,160
"That silly lad. [laughing]
64
00:03:22,800 --> 00:03:25,280
What a tyke. What a little tinker."
65
00:03:26,520 --> 00:03:28,600
Then she followed it up
with the all-time classic.
66
00:03:28,680 --> 00:03:30,200
"He had the world at his feet."
67
00:03:35,520 --> 00:03:37,480
He fucking didn't, did he?
68
00:03:39,120 --> 00:03:41,920
I said, "Don't expect me not
to use that onstage, old woman.
69
00:03:42,240 --> 00:03:43,200
It's gold!"
70
00:03:48,400 --> 00:03:49,240
Recently...
71
00:03:50,640 --> 00:03:52,080
she said the worst sentence
72
00:03:52,160 --> 00:03:53,960
that anyone's ever said to me.
73
00:03:54,040 --> 00:03:55,480
Imagine that in my business.
74
00:03:55,560 --> 00:03:57,640
We went for a meal.
We went for a steak together.
75
00:03:57,720 --> 00:04:00,400
I can't speak for the other
middle-aged people in the room,
76
00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:02,760
but I find that
with every year that passes,
77
00:04:02,920 --> 00:04:05,120
I have less and less
to look forward to in life.
78
00:04:05,720 --> 00:04:07,520
So when I go for a meal...
79
00:04:07,720 --> 00:04:09,880
I fucking have it.
80
00:04:11,120 --> 00:04:15,000
I am consuming it,
and I am consumed by it.
81
00:04:15,520 --> 00:04:18,040
My world goes...
[mimics doors closing]
82
00:04:18,120 --> 00:04:21,560
and I'm just... "Oh, yeah.
[imitates chewing]
83
00:04:21,640 --> 00:04:24,800
Oh, that meat is cooked to perfection.
84
00:04:25,840 --> 00:04:27,560
The futility of life...
85
00:04:27,640 --> 00:04:30,240
I'd just briefly forgotten the futility
of life."
86
00:04:31,200 --> 00:04:32,160
My mom's opposite me,
87
00:04:32,240 --> 00:04:33,800
and since she's on her own,
88
00:04:33,880 --> 00:04:37,160
it's a constant stream of bullshit
coming out of her mouth.
89
00:04:39,120 --> 00:04:41,280
Largely about people I've never even met.
90
00:04:42,400 --> 00:04:44,960
So I'm there going, "Oh, yeah.
91
00:04:45,040 --> 00:04:47,240
"Oh, my knife just glides through it."
92
00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:49,320
[imitating chattering]
93
00:04:50,080 --> 00:04:51,840
"Oh, she had a stroke in Tesco.
94
00:04:51,920 --> 00:04:53,400
She fell into the salad bar."
95
00:04:59,440 --> 00:05:02,320
"I might just put my meat
into the peppercorn sauce."
96
00:05:05,440 --> 00:05:08,120
"He's riddled with arthritis.
He can't even pick a cup up."
97
00:05:10,280 --> 00:05:12,280
"I might put a chip with the meat.
98
00:05:12,360 --> 00:05:15,160
Just have the combination
of the potato and the meat."
99
00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:19,600
"You should see what they've done
with the town hall. Multicultural mural."
100
00:05:22,040 --> 00:05:23,680
I was on total food lockdown.
101
00:05:23,760 --> 00:05:25,120
I didn't hear a word she said.
102
00:05:25,520 --> 00:05:28,800
Then something just slipped
through my radar just very briefly.
103
00:05:28,920 --> 00:05:31,480
And I couldn't quite let it go.
I was just... [chewing]
104
00:05:31,560 --> 00:05:34,280
"I'll just put some sweet corn
on the end of my fork."
105
00:05:35,760 --> 00:05:38,960
"Christine said to me, 'We should both
get one of those rabbits.'"
106
00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:55,760
"Just have some broccoli for health."
107
00:05:57,240 --> 00:05:59,360
I couldn't quite let it go.
Do you know what I mean?
108
00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:01,480
It kept racing around my mind.
109
00:06:02,080 --> 00:06:04,360
I found myself going, "That's strange.
110
00:06:05,160 --> 00:06:07,560
Why would they be buying a pet
at their age?"
111
00:06:09,800 --> 00:06:11,880
"Christine said,
'I don't mind ordering them,
112
00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:13,560
but they're coming to your house.'"
113
00:06:13,680 --> 00:06:15,480
I went, "All right, what the fuck?
114
00:06:17,280 --> 00:06:19,000
Are you talking about dildos?"
115
00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:22,400
She went, "Yes."
I went, "Why? I'm your son."
116
00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:24,760
She said, "I thought you'd find it funny."
117
00:06:24,840 --> 00:06:28,120
"Funny? The idea of you two hammering away
at yourselves?"
118
00:06:39,280 --> 00:06:41,800
I may have done this show
in my hometown last week.
119
00:06:47,720 --> 00:06:49,360
Mom saw it. Suitably mortified.
120
00:06:49,440 --> 00:06:50,760
"Oh, disgusting!
121
00:06:51,360 --> 00:06:52,800
Absolutely disgusting."
122
00:06:53,640 --> 00:06:55,120
She sent me a text the next day,
123
00:06:55,200 --> 00:06:57,880
which I'm gonna keep on my phone
for the rest of my life. Wanna see it?
124
00:06:59,080 --> 00:07:00,080
Have a look.
125
00:07:03,640 --> 00:07:04,560
"Hello, love.
126
00:07:04,640 --> 00:07:07,880
I'd prefer it if you wouldn't
do that vibrator routine in your show.
127
00:07:08,600 --> 00:07:12,240
When you ignore this and do it anyway,
at least make it clear to your audiences
128
00:07:12,320 --> 00:07:16,080
that neither Christine or myself
have ever bought or used a sex aid."
129
00:07:22,800 --> 00:07:24,840
Contract fulfilled, old woman.
130
00:07:28,080 --> 00:07:31,800
But it must have got to me,
'cause I found myself thinking,
131
00:07:32,120 --> 00:07:34,440
"I wonder if there's something nice
I can tell everyone.
132
00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:36,400
A nice story I can tell about my mom
133
00:07:36,480 --> 00:07:39,080
to take away the taste of the filth,
you know?"
134
00:07:40,040 --> 00:07:41,800
So I found myself going, "Oh, let me see."
135
00:07:41,880 --> 00:07:43,120
And I thought of something.
136
00:07:43,520 --> 00:07:45,720
When I was eight years of age,
just eight,
137
00:07:46,640 --> 00:07:48,120
I was gonna say little Greg,
138
00:07:48,200 --> 00:07:50,240
but I was a freak of nature then, as well.
139
00:07:51,520 --> 00:07:54,360
Not the six-foot-eight monstrosity
you see before you,
140
00:07:54,440 --> 00:07:56,960
but I was still disgustingly long.
141
00:07:57,520 --> 00:07:59,280
I went past Clinton Cards,
142
00:07:59,360 --> 00:08:02,960
which if you don't know the shop,
it's for people with no taste, largely.
143
00:08:03,040 --> 00:08:04,280
Bankrupt.
144
00:08:05,120 --> 00:08:07,640
And stringy old eight-year-old Greg,
145
00:08:07,720 --> 00:08:09,520
skipped past Clinton Cards
146
00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:11,720
and there was a bear in the window,
147
00:08:11,840 --> 00:08:13,080
three-foot tall.
148
00:08:13,640 --> 00:08:16,440
And I remember going,
"If only I could have that.
149
00:08:16,960 --> 00:08:18,120
That toy, that...
150
00:08:18,520 --> 00:08:20,400
long toy for a long boy."
151
00:08:21,520 --> 00:08:24,280
I said to my mom, "I've seen
this giant bear, could I have it?"
152
00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:27,440
She goes, "Well, we'll chat with Santa
and see what he says."
153
00:08:27,520 --> 00:08:28,520
I go, "Okay."
154
00:08:28,640 --> 00:08:30,600
A couple of days later,
she came back, and she went,
155
00:08:30,680 --> 00:08:32,440
"I'm sorry, love.
156
00:08:33,240 --> 00:08:34,960
I've spoken to Santa, and...
157
00:08:35,520 --> 00:08:38,000
I'm afraid that bear is £75.
158
00:08:45,520 --> 00:08:47,280
Santa can't afford it this year."
159
00:08:48,440 --> 00:08:49,840
I thought, "That's a shame,
160
00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:52,400
although Santa does appear
to be able to afford
161
00:08:52,480 --> 00:08:54,280
quite a lot of fucking cigarettes."
162
00:08:57,520 --> 00:08:58,760
I was on to Santa.
163
00:08:58,840 --> 00:09:01,920
I'd met him the year before.
I was sharing a room with my sister.
164
00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:04,160
He came in.
His fag was glowing in the dark.
165
00:09:04,240 --> 00:09:05,720
He was clearly shit-faced.
166
00:09:06,160 --> 00:09:09,400
When I said, "Hello, Santa," he told me
to piss off in a woman's voice.
167
00:09:11,120 --> 00:09:12,680
So, I was on to Santa.
168
00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:19,320
But I thought, "Fair enough,
she can't afford it."
169
00:09:19,400 --> 00:09:20,280
I just let it go.
170
00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:21,680
Now, it obviously got to her,
171
00:09:21,880 --> 00:09:23,520
'cause a couple of days later,
she came back...
172
00:09:23,600 --> 00:09:26,480
She went, "Oh...
I've spoken to my friend Carol.
173
00:09:26,560 --> 00:09:29,360
We think we can make you a giant bear."
174
00:09:30,440 --> 00:09:32,000
And I remember thinking, "Uh..."
175
00:09:32,240 --> 00:09:33,800
I was only eight years of age,
176
00:09:34,120 --> 00:09:37,040
but I thought, "Oh...
that sounds shit, doesn't it?
177
00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:39,120
That sounds shit."
178
00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:43,520
She took a dirty old blue blanket out
of the garage,
179
00:09:43,600 --> 00:09:45,680
and I thought,
"Yep, this is gonna be shit."
180
00:09:47,640 --> 00:09:49,960
Then every two days on the buildup
to Christmas, she'd come over...
181
00:09:50,640 --> 00:09:51,920
"Project's coming on.
182
00:09:52,440 --> 00:09:53,880
Project's coming on."
183
00:09:54,080 --> 00:09:56,080
Christmas day, I ran into the front room
184
00:09:56,160 --> 00:09:58,560
and under the tree,
there was a giant parcel for me.
185
00:09:58,720 --> 00:10:00,920
And I ripped it open. And there he was.
186
00:10:01,840 --> 00:10:03,200
I met him for the first time.
187
00:10:03,680 --> 00:10:04,560
BT.
188
00:10:05,040 --> 00:10:06,000
"Blue Ted."
189
00:10:06,920 --> 00:10:08,160
Five-foot tall.
190
00:10:08,760 --> 00:10:10,800
Five foot. They added two feet onto it.
191
00:10:13,040 --> 00:10:15,720
And he became a firm friend of mine
for many years to come.
192
00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:17,120
He really did.
193
00:10:21,520 --> 00:10:23,200
Like I said. It's just...
194
00:10:27,120 --> 00:10:28,280
You seem surprised.
195
00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:30,800
It's just a nice story.
196
00:10:33,240 --> 00:10:35,400
No, no. No, there's no need for that.
197
00:10:35,480 --> 00:10:36,800
We're not in America. It's fine.
198
00:10:41,120 --> 00:10:42,360
Sorry, I forgot to say...
199
00:10:42,880 --> 00:10:45,200
I went home recently
and found a picture of BT.
200
00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:47,840
-Would you like to meet him?
-[cheering]
201
00:10:47,920 --> 00:10:48,960
I can't hear you.
202
00:10:49,040 --> 00:10:51,280
-[cheering continuing]
-Would you like to meet him?
203
00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:52,440
Here he is.
204
00:10:58,120 --> 00:10:59,880
What the fuck is that?
205
00:11:02,520 --> 00:11:05,360
Because it isn't a bear,
is it ladies and gentlemen?
206
00:11:08,080 --> 00:11:10,080
A fucking frog, maybe.
207
00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:14,840
It scared the living shit out of me.
208
00:11:19,440 --> 00:11:20,760
It looks like ET, doesn't it?
209
00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:21,760
If anything.
210
00:11:22,960 --> 00:11:26,120
Oh, incidentally, I don't know
the last time you watched ET,
211
00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:28,680
I watched it three weeks ago.
It was on one Sunday,
212
00:11:29,120 --> 00:11:32,720
and I was drawn into that film
the way I was as a child.
213
00:11:32,840 --> 00:11:38,160
It was the scene in the woodshed
when Elliott first uncovers ET.
214
00:11:38,440 --> 00:11:40,280
And his little glowing finger comes out.
215
00:11:40,360 --> 00:11:43,240
And I thought,
"God, that's a magical film, ET."
216
00:11:44,040 --> 00:11:45,800
And my mate Rich was next to me.
217
00:11:45,920 --> 00:11:48,280
He ruined that film in one sentence,
218
00:11:48,360 --> 00:11:50,240
and I'm about to ruin it for you now.
219
00:11:50,520 --> 00:11:55,520
'Cause he said-- I was going, "Oh, God...
this is like being a child."
220
00:11:55,600 --> 00:11:57,280
And Rich went, "Tell you what, mate,
221
00:11:57,360 --> 00:11:59,400
if I found something like that in my shed,
222
00:11:59,480 --> 00:12:01,600
I'd stove it's fucking head in
with a shovel."
223
00:12:05,760 --> 00:12:07,000
And he's right, isn't he?
224
00:12:07,480 --> 00:12:10,040
If you think about it for one second,
he's right.
225
00:12:10,440 --> 00:12:12,640
If you found that in your shed,
you would panic,
226
00:12:12,720 --> 00:12:14,480
and you would stamp the cunt to death.
227
00:12:17,240 --> 00:12:19,640
[speaks gibberish] It talks!
228
00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:21,800
Mom!
229
00:12:26,080 --> 00:12:28,600
A little early in the record to be
calling ET a cunt, isn't it?
230
00:12:32,520 --> 00:12:34,760
I like to call ET a cunt.
231
00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:42,120
It's funny when you film something
232
00:12:42,200 --> 00:12:44,680
and you can hear things being cut out
as you say them.
233
00:12:46,480 --> 00:12:48,440
[mimics cutting] ET's a cunt.
234
00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:52,120
Well, I stand by it. He is a cunt.
235
00:12:57,160 --> 00:12:59,240
[laughs] Look...
236
00:13:01,520 --> 00:13:02,640
my point is...
237
00:13:06,000 --> 00:13:07,560
[laughs]
238
00:13:08,520 --> 00:13:11,120
Can I just say to the lady
who just looked at me really seriously,
239
00:13:11,920 --> 00:13:14,680
the more upset you are,
the funnier I find it.
240
00:13:23,240 --> 00:13:24,080
Look...
241
00:13:25,720 --> 00:13:26,560
look...
242
00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:30,240
Guys.
243
00:13:31,520 --> 00:13:32,600
My point is...
244
00:13:33,120 --> 00:13:35,320
it's a weird looking creature. Right?
245
00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:38,600
But it's a mom doing her best for her son.
246
00:13:38,720 --> 00:13:41,240
She couldn't afford what I wanted,
so she did her best.
247
00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:43,960
I think we can all agree,
it's a sweet story, isn't it?
248
00:13:49,720 --> 00:13:50,920
Or it would be...
249
00:13:52,920 --> 00:13:55,880
But when I got to 13 years of age,
ladies and gentleman,
250
00:13:56,840 --> 00:13:57,760
I fucked that bear.
251
00:14:00,920 --> 00:14:02,080
I did. Sorry.
252
00:14:03,720 --> 00:14:06,040
I fucked him right in his furry backside.
253
00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:13,760
And I didn't fuck him once,
I'll tell you that.
254
00:14:14,480 --> 00:14:15,960
I fucked him for a whole summer.
255
00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:19,360
I was out in the park,
playing with my friends.
256
00:14:19,440 --> 00:14:21,000
And I'd fuck that every day.
257
00:14:23,080 --> 00:14:25,400
Mom would shout, "Time to get up
for school, Greg."
258
00:14:25,480 --> 00:14:27,720
I was too busy knocking
the back end out of this.
259
00:14:30,640 --> 00:14:32,920
You can see it in his eyes
if you look closer.
260
00:14:34,320 --> 00:14:35,160
Haunted.
261
00:14:35,640 --> 00:14:36,640
Haunted.
262
00:14:43,680 --> 00:14:45,680
I'll be honest with you. He could stand up
on his own after a while.
263
00:14:51,960 --> 00:14:53,640
"Very funny, Greg.
264
00:14:54,600 --> 00:14:55,640
Very funny!
265
00:14:59,720 --> 00:15:01,400
First you make me out
to be a mad old lady.
266
00:15:01,480 --> 00:15:04,400
Now I find out you've been fornicating
with the toys I made for you.
267
00:15:05,720 --> 00:15:06,840
It's disgusting."
268
00:15:09,320 --> 00:15:11,760
I say, "It's just a laugh, Mom."
She goes, "It's a laugh for you.
269
00:15:11,880 --> 00:15:14,040
It's my reputation you're
out there ruining.
270
00:15:14,720 --> 00:15:17,040
What's the show called?
You're all right, aren't you?"
271
00:15:17,160 --> 00:15:19,560
The show has always been
"You Magnificent Beast."
272
00:15:19,760 --> 00:15:23,480
There's a reason for that.
I was moving through London in a cab
273
00:15:23,560 --> 00:15:24,880
with the window open.
274
00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:27,600
A drunk student saw me, recognized me.
275
00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:29,880
He dove through the window
of the moving cab.
276
00:15:30,160 --> 00:15:32,640
He grabbed me by the throat,
and he went, "Oh, yeah.
277
00:15:32,840 --> 00:15:34,840
You magnificent beast."
278
00:15:36,280 --> 00:15:37,480
He just let go.
279
00:15:37,840 --> 00:15:40,320
Honestly, as far as I know,
he could be dead.
280
00:15:41,080 --> 00:15:42,840
But I got a title for my show.
281
00:15:45,240 --> 00:15:47,680
The honest truth is, the next day
I found myself...
282
00:15:48,880 --> 00:15:49,920
"Yes, I am.
283
00:15:51,440 --> 00:15:53,360
Yes, I am."
284
00:15:54,080 --> 00:15:57,080
I thought, "I'm gonna write a show
about how magnificent I am.
285
00:15:57,160 --> 00:15:59,160
How magnificent we all are.
286
00:15:59,680 --> 00:16:01,480
That's what my show is gonna be about.
287
00:16:01,560 --> 00:16:03,600
How unique all human beings are.
288
00:16:03,680 --> 00:16:05,440
How we've all got something to offer."
289
00:16:05,520 --> 00:16:09,920
I started getting quotes together,
inspirational quotes about humans.
290
00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:11,840
Look at this. I think it's wonderful.
291
00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:14,400
"Child of heaven born
from the womb of a star."
292
00:16:14,640 --> 00:16:15,600
All of us.
293
00:16:17,240 --> 00:16:18,160
Another one...
294
00:16:18,720 --> 00:16:22,160
"Man's goodness is a flame that can be
hidden but never extinguished."
295
00:16:22,240 --> 00:16:23,840
Nelson Mandela said that.
296
00:16:24,280 --> 00:16:25,880
I hope this doesn't seem arrogant,
297
00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:28,760
but I do see myself
as the white Nelson Mandela.
298
00:16:34,120 --> 00:16:34,960
Thank you.
299
00:16:36,320 --> 00:16:37,160
Thank you.
300
00:16:40,560 --> 00:16:41,440
Another one.
301
00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:44,120
"No species has ever had such
wholesale control
302
00:16:44,200 --> 00:16:45,440
over everything on Earth."
303
00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:48,360
Attenborough said that.
We believe anything Attenborough said.
304
00:16:48,440 --> 00:16:50,800
I thought, "This show is
gonna write itself."
305
00:16:51,040 --> 00:16:52,480
I start getting images together
306
00:16:52,560 --> 00:16:55,360
of the wonderful things
all human beings have done.
307
00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:57,120
And my mom, still smarting,
308
00:16:57,200 --> 00:17:01,480
went, "Yeah, I'm a mad old lady
who's had her youth, had it away with.
309
00:17:01,880 --> 00:17:03,560
And you're a magnificent beast?
310
00:17:03,640 --> 00:17:06,120
How about your lift your shirt up in front
of the mirror, love?
311
00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:07,920
See how magnificent you are."
312
00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:10,960
I will do. Yeah. Have a look.
313
00:17:13,720 --> 00:17:14,720
Look at it.
314
00:17:15,920 --> 00:17:17,720
Look at what I've done to myself.
315
00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:22,520
Nothing magnificent about this, is there?
316
00:17:22,840 --> 00:17:25,720
I thought, "She's got a point."
317
00:17:26,280 --> 00:17:27,840
When I thought about it more,
318
00:17:27,960 --> 00:17:31,720
I thought, "There's nothing magnificent
about a middle-aged human being anyway.
319
00:17:32,160 --> 00:17:33,240
Middle-age is dreadful."
320
00:17:33,320 --> 00:17:35,680
I'm gonna come and talk
to one of my middle-aged friends.
321
00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:37,920
This is where I massively offend someone.
322
00:17:39,440 --> 00:17:41,480
-What's your name?
-Sean.
323
00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:43,640
Sean, you're how old? Sorry?
324
00:17:43,720 --> 00:17:46,120
-Forty-seven.
-Couple years younger than me?
325
00:17:46,200 --> 00:17:48,400
-Are you enjoying middle age?
-Yep.
326
00:17:48,840 --> 00:17:50,600
Are you up for a piss in the night?
327
00:17:51,480 --> 00:17:53,000
-A couple of times.
-Twice.
328
00:17:54,280 --> 00:17:57,360
We're at the same prostate level.
It's called "galia melon."
329
00:17:59,120 --> 00:18:00,680
Two pisses a night, I'm the same.
330
00:18:00,760 --> 00:18:02,520
You're two years younger than me.
331
00:18:02,600 --> 00:18:06,440
I'll tell you, things have happened to me
that you've got to look forward to.
332
00:18:06,520 --> 00:18:08,720
And I just want to share them
with the young people.
333
00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:11,600
In the last two years,
my nails have become
334
00:18:11,680 --> 00:18:13,840
four times thicker than they used to be.
335
00:18:14,840 --> 00:18:16,800
Just imagine that, young people.
336
00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:20,120
Imagine not being able to bite through
your own fucking nails.
337
00:18:21,920 --> 00:18:24,720
What's the evolutionary miracle
about that, David Attenborough?
338
00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:27,760
In case I fancy skittering up a wall
like a fucking lizard?
339
00:18:32,920 --> 00:18:34,880
I've started behaving weirdly.
340
00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:36,400
I've started buying folk music.
341
00:18:37,640 --> 00:18:40,800
No one likes folk music,
not even the singers.
342
00:18:41,920 --> 00:18:44,240
They can't be bothered
to sing out of their mouths.
343
00:18:44,320 --> 00:18:46,320
[singing gibberish]
344
00:18:48,160 --> 00:18:50,480
I've got albums full of the shit
round my place.
345
00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:56,000
In the Sunday supplement,
I ordered one of those things
346
00:18:56,080 --> 00:18:57,960
you put on your stomach to try
and make you not fat
347
00:18:58,040 --> 00:18:59,520
without doing exercise.
348
00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:02,080
You know the electrocution things?
349
00:19:02,520 --> 00:19:04,320
And at a real low point in my life,
350
00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:08,560
I found myself electrocuting myself
whilst listening to folk music.
351
00:19:10,560 --> 00:19:12,560
[singing gibberish]
352
00:19:15,360 --> 00:19:17,360
♪ The hills of Donegal ♪
353
00:19:19,840 --> 00:19:21,840
You can turn it up really fast as well.
354
00:19:21,920 --> 00:19:23,920
[sings gibberish]
355
00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:29,080
I had to stop 'cause I thought
I was gonna shit myself.
356
00:19:32,320 --> 00:19:34,080
Then I had a real wake-up call.
357
00:19:34,520 --> 00:19:37,000
I did some warm up gigs
and had my friend support me.
358
00:19:37,080 --> 00:19:39,680
Ed Gamble, who's a young, beautiful comic.
359
00:19:39,760 --> 00:19:40,800
and then...
360
00:19:41,120 --> 00:19:44,360
Ed. You talk about weird things
when you're on the road together.
361
00:19:44,760 --> 00:19:46,840
And Ed, a much younger, prettier boy,
362
00:19:46,920 --> 00:19:49,040
he made very casual reference
363
00:19:49,120 --> 00:19:51,240
to when he got back to the hotel
that night,
364
00:19:51,320 --> 00:19:53,800
he was gonna have a "tidy up"
downstairs.
365
00:19:54,320 --> 00:19:55,440
And I went, "What?"
366
00:19:55,960 --> 00:19:59,360
He said, "I'm going to have a little..
trim downstairs."
367
00:20:03,560 --> 00:20:06,360
-Sean?
-Yes. [laughs]
368
00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:08,680
-Yeah.
-You trimming?
369
00:20:09,800 --> 00:20:10,800
I have trimmed.
370
00:20:16,360 --> 00:20:17,840
You're all trimming, aren't you?
371
00:20:18,920 --> 00:20:20,400
All you men are trimming,
372
00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:22,640
and it passed me by, "manscaping."
373
00:20:22,840 --> 00:20:25,240
I'm like, "What the fuck are you
on about? Have a trim downstairs?"
374
00:20:25,320 --> 00:20:27,320
He goes, "Come on, Grandad.
375
00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:29,600
Everyone's trimming."
376
00:20:29,720 --> 00:20:31,840
Which men here are trimming?
Just give me a cheer.
377
00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:33,280
[scattered cheering]
378
00:20:33,360 --> 00:20:34,320
Okay, fine.
379
00:20:35,280 --> 00:20:37,600
I didn't know it was a thing.
I missed it.
380
00:20:37,800 --> 00:20:39,840
I know that you women have been,
you know....
381
00:20:44,680 --> 00:20:47,240
So you wanna hear a thing that's
not gonna make it into the show?
382
00:20:47,400 --> 00:20:50,360
I was gonna say "waxing that rat."
Unbelievable.
383
00:20:52,920 --> 00:20:54,680
Snip, snip, out it comes.
384
00:20:58,720 --> 00:20:59,680
But it never occurred to me.
385
00:20:59,800 --> 00:21:00,720
I panicked.
386
00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:03,480
At the hotel, I thought,
"I better check this out."
387
00:21:03,560 --> 00:21:05,560
I took my clothes off,
went to the bathroom,
388
00:21:05,640 --> 00:21:09,240
and I stood in front of the mirror
to see how bad things were.
389
00:21:10,120 --> 00:21:11,080
Oh, my God.
390
00:21:12,320 --> 00:21:14,680
I had never noticed it before.
391
00:21:15,120 --> 00:21:19,000
A giant, graying '70s afro.
392
00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:21,920
Awful!
393
00:21:22,120 --> 00:21:24,280
It looked like Don King was riding
on the back
394
00:21:24,360 --> 00:21:25,800
of a depressed mini-elephant.
395
00:21:33,840 --> 00:21:37,200
I thought, "You're never get
another girlfriend. You fat prick.
396
00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:40,600
There's only one person
who's gonna be interested in that."
397
00:21:40,680 --> 00:21:42,400
And the fucking bear's in hiding.
398
00:21:43,760 --> 00:21:46,040
So, I thought, "I'm gonna have to do
something about this."
399
00:21:46,120 --> 00:21:48,920
So I did. I went back to my bedroom,
and I did something about it.
400
00:21:49,360 --> 00:21:51,600
Well, ladies and gentlemen...
401
00:21:52,360 --> 00:21:53,680
there were hairs down there
402
00:21:53,760 --> 00:21:56,080
like the mooring ropes of the Titanic.
403
00:21:58,440 --> 00:22:01,600
I knew I was in trouble
'cause I used my beard trimmer to do it.
404
00:22:02,040 --> 00:22:04,920
The motor started panicking
when it hit bush.
405
00:22:05,880 --> 00:22:07,880
[imitates razor whirring]
406
00:22:12,760 --> 00:22:14,760
I(t's like I was fucking angle-grinding.
407
00:22:18,720 --> 00:22:20,840
Took me 20 minutes
to get the worst of it out.
408
00:22:22,240 --> 00:22:25,280
Five or six pounds of silvery bush
on the floor.
409
00:22:26,280 --> 00:22:27,760
Looked like burnt tinsel.
410
00:22:32,600 --> 00:22:35,880
I went back to the full-length mirror
to check out my handiwork.
411
00:22:40,840 --> 00:22:41,800
Very nice.
412
00:22:42,880 --> 00:22:44,440
Very nice.
413
00:22:44,640 --> 00:22:47,920
The pubes I'm talking about obviously,
not what was beneath them.
414
00:22:48,120 --> 00:22:51,400
The mini-elephant
was as depressing as ever,
415
00:22:51,480 --> 00:22:53,240
just lolling...
416
00:23:01,200 --> 00:23:02,840
"What are we doing?"
"I was just...
417
00:23:03,920 --> 00:23:05,600
I was just trimming your pubes."
418
00:23:05,680 --> 00:23:06,520
"Okay.
419
00:23:08,440 --> 00:23:09,480
Anything else?"
420
00:23:11,280 --> 00:23:13,200
"While we're here,
I suppose we could have a piss."
421
00:23:13,280 --> 00:23:15,360
"Okay. [sputters]
422
00:23:18,480 --> 00:23:20,200
Not finished." [groans]
423
00:23:24,280 --> 00:23:27,560
[sputters] "Okay. Bedtime."
424
00:23:29,080 --> 00:23:29,960
Anyway...
425
00:23:30,440 --> 00:23:32,840
I went back to bed with a little spring
in my step that night.
426
00:23:33,040 --> 00:23:35,440
I thought, "Yes, very nice, big man.
427
00:23:35,520 --> 00:23:38,280
You've rolled the clock back
a few years there. Very nice."
428
00:23:38,640 --> 00:23:39,640
I fell asleep...
429
00:23:41,440 --> 00:23:42,960
feeling pretty good about myself.
430
00:23:44,320 --> 00:23:45,280
In the morning...
431
00:23:46,840 --> 00:23:49,960
I allowed my hand to dance over the area.
432
00:23:51,320 --> 00:23:55,280
That's always painful, I'll be honest,
because of my fucking talons.
433
00:24:02,320 --> 00:24:04,560
Didn't feel right. Something felt wrong.
434
00:24:05,120 --> 00:24:07,720
Felt like someone had
dropped a mini-pizza down there.
435
00:24:08,160 --> 00:24:10,040
I couldn't be bothered
to go to the bathroom,
436
00:24:10,120 --> 00:24:12,800
and as you can see,
I can't see my own genitals.
437
00:24:13,680 --> 00:24:16,720
So I made an extraordinary decision.
438
00:24:17,320 --> 00:24:18,800
I got my iPhone.
439
00:24:21,640 --> 00:24:23,760
And I took this picture here.
440
00:24:25,680 --> 00:24:28,360
Fuck me. It is the worst thing
I've ever seen.
441
00:24:28,960 --> 00:24:31,480
And the flash scared the shit out
of the elephant.
442
00:24:35,240 --> 00:24:39,760
And then above his head,
there was just a halo of purple scabs.
443
00:24:40,680 --> 00:24:41,800
Disgusting!
444
00:24:42,160 --> 00:24:44,280
I'd had an allergic reaction to the trim.
445
00:24:45,200 --> 00:24:46,960
I went, "For fuck's sake..."
446
00:24:47,120 --> 00:24:50,320
You're a middle-aged man.
Accept it. Accept it!
447
00:24:51,520 --> 00:24:53,720
And I vowed never to touch my pubis again.
448
00:24:55,640 --> 00:24:57,280
I went home, and...
449
00:24:57,920 --> 00:25:00,600
a few days later, I went to my local cafe
in the park.
450
00:25:00,680 --> 00:25:02,320
I go to a cafe in the park.
451
00:25:02,400 --> 00:25:04,960
And I saw Elsie,
a woman I've got to know really well.
452
00:25:05,040 --> 00:25:06,720
I went, "Hello, Elsie."
She went, "Hello, Greg."
453
00:25:06,800 --> 00:25:09,400
And I went, "Hello, Elsie."
She said, "I haven't seen you for ages."
454
00:25:09,480 --> 00:25:11,480
I went, "I've been on tour."
She went, "Oh, lovely."
455
00:25:11,560 --> 00:25:14,480
I said, "And before that,
I was in Spain on holiday."
456
00:25:14,560 --> 00:25:16,920
And she went, "Oh, I love Spain.
I love it. "
457
00:25:17,040 --> 00:25:20,560
I went, "It's nice, isn't it?"
I said, "Would you like a cup of tea?"
458
00:25:20,640 --> 00:25:23,480
She goes, "I'd love one, darling."
I went, "Right, I'll go get us one."
459
00:25:23,600 --> 00:25:25,560
She goes, "Okay, here, before you go,
460
00:25:25,640 --> 00:25:28,120
you haven't got any photos
of your holiday, have you?"
461
00:25:32,720 --> 00:25:34,960
"Yes, I have, Elsie. Here on my iPhone.
462
00:25:35,440 --> 00:25:37,640
Why don't you flick through them
at your leisure...
463
00:25:38,920 --> 00:25:40,440
while I go and get the tea?"
464
00:25:42,120 --> 00:25:44,320
And I was holding the tray.
465
00:25:44,400 --> 00:25:46,320
"Oh, they're lovely!
466
00:25:47,600 --> 00:25:49,200
What a lovely villa." "Yes."
467
00:25:49,720 --> 00:25:51,640
"Are these your friends?"
"Yes, they're my friends."
468
00:25:51,720 --> 00:25:52,560
"Oh, lovely."
469
00:25:52,640 --> 00:25:56,320
As they put the teapot on the tray,
I remembered, and I went, "Ooh, fuck."
470
00:25:57,640 --> 00:25:59,840
And the world went into slow motion.
471
00:25:59,960 --> 00:26:04,120
[grunts] "Elsie!"
472
00:26:04,840 --> 00:26:07,800
I got to her just as she swiped onto it.
And she went... [shrieks]
473
00:26:08,440 --> 00:26:09,840
And I went, "Ooh!"
474
00:26:09,960 --> 00:26:11,560
And she went, "Hey!"
475
00:26:12,120 --> 00:26:15,200
And we locked eyes,
and she was waiting for an explanation.
476
00:26:16,840 --> 00:26:18,640
And fuck me...
477
00:26:18,960 --> 00:26:21,400
This is what I said. "Oh!
478
00:26:23,840 --> 00:26:25,200
I made a trifle."
479
00:26:34,240 --> 00:26:35,680
Doesn't speak to me anymore.
480
00:26:36,040 --> 00:26:38,040
Why would she?
Why would she speak to a man
481
00:26:38,120 --> 00:26:40,960
who tried to pass his cock and balls off
as a dessert?
482
00:26:44,800 --> 00:26:47,160
I used to be a teacher. You know that?
483
00:26:48,800 --> 00:26:49,880
Teachers here tonight?
484
00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:52,440
-[cheering]
-God bless you, you heroes.
485
00:26:52,520 --> 00:26:54,200
Look at this quote I found about you.
486
00:26:55,000 --> 00:26:57,560
"The best teachers are those
that tell you where to look,
487
00:26:57,720 --> 00:26:59,640
but they don't tell you what to see."
488
00:27:01,520 --> 00:27:02,360
It's true.
489
00:27:03,160 --> 00:27:06,240
I taught for 13 years,
and I thought I was great.
490
00:27:06,440 --> 00:27:10,360
It's the only thing that's kept me going
'cause honestly, I fucking hate children,
491
00:27:10,440 --> 00:27:13,920
but I thought I was good.
492
00:27:14,000 --> 00:27:17,000
It's the only thing
that I've clung on to all these years.
493
00:27:17,280 --> 00:27:20,120
The kids liked me,
and I never did them a disservice.
494
00:27:20,560 --> 00:27:23,760
I met some of them in the same week
as I saw Elsie.
495
00:27:23,840 --> 00:27:25,200
I met some of my ex-pupils.
496
00:27:25,280 --> 00:27:27,560
I've got another quote for you now
from one of them.
497
00:27:27,640 --> 00:27:29,280
See what you make of this.
It's a genuine quote.
498
00:27:39,520 --> 00:27:42,600
When I stopped to really think about it
for ten seconds,
499
00:27:42,680 --> 00:27:43,600
I was shit.
500
00:27:43,800 --> 00:27:47,360
I was a drama teacher,
which in itself is hilarious, right?
501
00:27:47,880 --> 00:27:50,120
You know when I knew I had
to give up teaching?
502
00:27:50,480 --> 00:27:52,000
I was in my drama studio,
503
00:27:52,320 --> 00:27:54,160
and the kids were performing a play
504
00:27:54,240 --> 00:27:56,040
that they'd been working on for weeks
505
00:27:56,120 --> 00:27:58,440
while I smoked out the back
of the drama studio,
506
00:27:58,760 --> 00:28:01,240
and I finally run out of time,
and they had to perform them,
507
00:28:01,320 --> 00:28:05,640
and they were really excited and focused.
508
00:28:05,720 --> 00:28:09,080
And I realized someone was up
in the lighting tower of the drama studio
509
00:28:09,520 --> 00:28:12,320
aggressively throwing Blu Tack
into their faces
510
00:28:12,440 --> 00:28:13,880
while they were performing,
511
00:28:13,960 --> 00:28:17,040
and I mean really nastily,
spitefully throwing it.
512
00:28:17,400 --> 00:28:20,360
It was bouncing off them,
and they were going, "Get off, get off!"
513
00:28:20,840 --> 00:28:21,680
It was awful.
514
00:28:21,960 --> 00:28:24,320
And I knew I had to give up teaching
when I realized
515
00:28:24,560 --> 00:28:27,400
that the person up there
throwing that Blu Tack,
516
00:28:28,040 --> 00:28:29,280
that's right, was me.
517
00:28:30,360 --> 00:28:32,360
It was me with the head of English,
518
00:28:32,880 --> 00:28:35,680
and we were laughing our bollocks off.
519
00:28:42,760 --> 00:28:44,440
It was at that point I realized...
520
00:28:45,720 --> 00:28:48,600
my perception of how I think people see me
521
00:28:48,880 --> 00:28:51,520
and other people's perception
are very different things.
522
00:28:52,240 --> 00:28:54,280
When you start to think about it,
523
00:28:54,400 --> 00:28:55,360
it panics you.
524
00:28:55,600 --> 00:28:57,760
And the worst thing is your perception,
525
00:28:57,840 --> 00:29:01,280
or rather your reputation,
can be ruined like that.
526
00:29:02,120 --> 00:29:03,800
I'm gonna show you three quotes.
527
00:29:03,880 --> 00:29:05,640
They're all from actual friends of mine.
528
00:29:05,720 --> 00:29:07,200
They're so insane,
529
00:29:07,280 --> 00:29:09,280
they changed my view of that person,
530
00:29:09,360 --> 00:29:11,800
and I wrote it on my phone immediately.
Right?
531
00:29:12,040 --> 00:29:16,280
The first one is from a 37-year-old
science teacher.
532
00:29:16,360 --> 00:29:17,800
She could be teaching your children.
533
00:29:18,320 --> 00:29:20,360
I had a wild row with her in the pub
534
00:29:20,440 --> 00:29:23,400
because she said,
and she fucking meant this...
535
00:29:32,880 --> 00:29:35,200
She thinks you can stretch yourself.
536
00:29:36,720 --> 00:29:39,640
I went to an urban zoo
with a 40-year-old friend of mine,
537
00:29:39,720 --> 00:29:41,040
who's a mother of two.
538
00:29:41,120 --> 00:29:43,600
She saw a turkey and she said this.
539
00:29:47,640 --> 00:29:51,680
"Happy Christmas, here's your
traditional massive male chicken."
540
00:29:54,840 --> 00:29:58,240
But by far the worst,
a 52-year-old friend of mine,
541
00:29:58,320 --> 00:30:00,720
who is a successful CEO of a company.
542
00:30:00,800 --> 00:30:03,800
I made reference to the irritating
buzzing wings of a fly
543
00:30:03,920 --> 00:30:06,000
that was in the room, and he said this.
544
00:30:10,920 --> 00:30:13,040
He thinks flies are shouting.
545
00:30:13,960 --> 00:30:15,520
"Yeah!
546
00:30:16,080 --> 00:30:17,720
I'm a fly!
547
00:30:18,440 --> 00:30:20,080
I'm flying!"
548
00:30:21,240 --> 00:30:23,080
Presumably, when they stop and land,
549
00:30:23,160 --> 00:30:25,160
they're having a fucking breath, are they?
550
00:30:25,560 --> 00:30:27,560
[panting]
551
00:30:29,040 --> 00:30:29,920
"Yeah.
552
00:30:30,240 --> 00:30:31,440
Let's do this.
553
00:30:31,520 --> 00:30:32,920
Yeah! Fly!"
554
00:30:35,760 --> 00:30:37,480
Nothing that man can say
555
00:30:37,720 --> 00:30:39,920
will alter my new perception of him,
556
00:30:40,000 --> 00:30:42,840
that he is fundamentally thick
as pig shit.
557
00:30:46,640 --> 00:30:49,880
That's how easy it is
to ruin your perception.
558
00:30:50,520 --> 00:30:52,920
And yet, some people seal a reputation.
559
00:30:53,000 --> 00:30:55,640
They seal a reputation not just for life,
560
00:30:55,720 --> 00:30:58,080
but for long after they've died.
561
00:30:58,440 --> 00:31:00,720
If I asked you to name me
two famous lovers,
562
00:31:00,800 --> 00:31:01,680
who would you say?
563
00:31:01,760 --> 00:31:03,800
-[audience shouting]
-Bonnie and Clyde.
564
00:31:03,880 --> 00:31:05,520
Great opener. Thank you. Any more?
565
00:31:07,000 --> 00:31:08,760
Romeo and Juliet? Yeah, of course.
566
00:31:08,920 --> 00:31:11,400
Posh and Becks I had last night.
I'll take it.
567
00:31:13,080 --> 00:31:15,920
The one I thought of was Richard Burton
and Elizabeth Taylor.
568
00:31:16,280 --> 00:31:19,120
They were married to each other
three different times.
569
00:31:19,680 --> 00:31:22,520
And Burton allegedly said this about her,
and I love it.
570
00:31:22,600 --> 00:31:23,560
Look at this quote.
571
00:31:24,680 --> 00:31:27,400
"I might run from her
for a thousand years
572
00:31:28,040 --> 00:31:29,880
and she is still my baby child.
573
00:31:30,720 --> 00:31:32,400
Our love is so furious
574
00:31:32,760 --> 00:31:34,440
that we burn each other out."
575
00:31:37,240 --> 00:31:38,360
Imagine.
576
00:31:39,600 --> 00:31:42,280
Imagine feeling that passionate
about anyone.
577
00:31:43,120 --> 00:31:44,880
I read it and I began to...
578
00:31:46,240 --> 00:31:47,560
I thought, "I wonder if...
579
00:31:48,320 --> 00:31:50,200
there are any of my ex's out there...
580
00:31:52,640 --> 00:31:55,120
might be feeling that sort of passion
about me."
581
00:31:55,560 --> 00:31:58,040
It's unlikely to be the girl
I went out with for the longest.
582
00:31:58,800 --> 00:32:01,760
I went out with someone for ten years,
and on our first date,
583
00:32:01,840 --> 00:32:03,120
I pissed the bed.
584
00:32:04,840 --> 00:32:06,520
And I tried to blame her.
585
00:32:07,520 --> 00:32:08,600
That is true.
586
00:32:12,040 --> 00:32:13,160
It panicked me.
587
00:32:13,240 --> 00:32:16,480
I thought, "Am I leaving any legacy
of passion behind me?
588
00:32:16,800 --> 00:32:18,040
Will anyone think...?"
589
00:32:18,120 --> 00:32:20,240
So I started going back
through people I've dated,
590
00:32:20,320 --> 00:32:21,880
and then, I was in Bristol.
591
00:32:21,960 --> 00:32:23,400
-Anyone from Bristol here?
-[scattered shouting]
592
00:32:23,520 --> 00:32:25,960
Well done.
Well done for dressing yourselves.
593
00:32:29,120 --> 00:32:31,640
I was walking through Bristol,
and I heard that accent.
594
00:32:31,760 --> 00:32:34,400
[mumbles] What are we doing?
Going down the shops, are we?
595
00:32:38,240 --> 00:32:40,360
And it reminds me. I remember something.
596
00:32:40,720 --> 00:32:41,920
And it was a date.
597
00:32:42,040 --> 00:32:45,080
I thought, "This is the passionate story
I can tell everyone.
598
00:32:45,160 --> 00:32:46,920
It was a date that I got set up on.
599
00:32:47,000 --> 00:32:50,200
My friend was going out with someone,
and he invited me to meet her.
600
00:32:50,400 --> 00:32:53,520
They were gonna have a dinner party
for me. Lovely.
601
00:32:53,600 --> 00:32:56,640
And when I got there,
they'd invited her sister along as well.
602
00:32:57,000 --> 00:32:59,440
And I thought. "No, this is a set up."
603
00:32:59,800 --> 00:33:01,680
I hate it. I hate being set up.
604
00:33:02,120 --> 00:33:04,400
But she was really sweet.
She was really pretty.
605
00:33:04,480 --> 00:33:05,560
I thought, "Why not?"
606
00:33:05,960 --> 00:33:09,080
I was chatting to her over dinner.
She had a very light Bristol accent.
607
00:33:09,680 --> 00:33:11,560
"How long are you down for, then, Greg?
608
00:33:11,640 --> 00:33:12,560
Just the weekend?
609
00:33:12,640 --> 00:33:14,640
You gonna make a weekend of it,
are you?
610
00:33:14,720 --> 00:33:15,560
That's nice."
611
00:33:16,200 --> 00:33:17,800
I thought, "She seems sweet."
612
00:33:17,880 --> 00:33:18,720
And then...
613
00:33:19,040 --> 00:33:20,520
she started to drink...
614
00:33:21,640 --> 00:33:22,840
very heavily.
615
00:33:24,040 --> 00:33:27,760
She was necking glasses of wine,
like... [chugging]
616
00:33:28,920 --> 00:33:30,640
And her accent started to get a bit...
617
00:33:30,720 --> 00:33:32,280
"Are we having a nice time now?"
618
00:33:33,880 --> 00:33:35,360
I thought, "You've changed."
619
00:33:36,200 --> 00:33:38,560
I carried on making polite chat,
and I went, "What do you do?"
620
00:33:38,640 --> 00:33:41,600
She goes, "I work in a shop, don't I?"
[chugs]
621
00:33:41,680 --> 00:33:43,680
I went, "All right."
She said, "That's not all I do."
622
00:33:43,880 --> 00:33:45,880
I went, "No?"
She goes, "No, on the weekends...
623
00:33:46,440 --> 00:33:47,800
I'm a hammer thrower."
624
00:33:49,200 --> 00:33:50,560
I went, "You're not a hammer thrower."
625
00:33:50,640 --> 00:33:53,600
They went, "No, she is a hammer thrower.
She's really excellent."
626
00:33:53,680 --> 00:33:54,600
I went, "Right!"
627
00:33:54,720 --> 00:33:56,800
As I was looking at them,
she grabbed my hand...
628
00:33:56,880 --> 00:33:58,400
Bam! She put it on her thigh.
629
00:33:58,520 --> 00:34:00,680
Fuck me. It was like a tree trunk.
630
00:34:01,440 --> 00:34:04,240
And I went, "Oh." And I looked at her,
and she was waiting for my gaze.
631
00:34:04,320 --> 00:34:05,960
And she went, "Yeah.
632
00:34:06,360 --> 00:34:08,840
Now you believe I'm a hammer thrower,
don't you?"
633
00:34:10,000 --> 00:34:12,240
And I thought, "Oh.
634
00:34:12,840 --> 00:34:14,600
Oh, I'm frightened of you...
635
00:34:16,200 --> 00:34:17,800
because you've changed."
636
00:34:17,880 --> 00:34:20,800
And I could see in her eyes,
obviously riddled with cataracts,
637
00:34:20,880 --> 00:34:22,720
that she fancied a bounce on this.
638
00:34:23,840 --> 00:34:25,360
So I started to panic.
639
00:34:25,440 --> 00:34:28,680
The fear went through the roof
when she went to the toilet,
640
00:34:29,040 --> 00:34:31,400
'cause that girl has walked in
perfectly normally,
641
00:34:31,480 --> 00:34:34,160
but now, it was like watching
a fucking silverback.
642
00:34:34,240 --> 00:34:35,480
She was like... [grunts]
643
00:34:41,200 --> 00:34:43,320
I turned to my friend.
"I know what's going on here.
644
00:34:43,400 --> 00:34:45,280
You're setting me up with this girl.
Well, I'm not interested.
645
00:34:45,360 --> 00:34:47,200
They went, "She's harmless."
646
00:34:47,280 --> 00:34:50,080
I said, "She's not harmless.
She could take a fucking buffalo down."
647
00:34:51,840 --> 00:34:53,720
From the toilet... [grunts]
648
00:34:54,400 --> 00:34:55,240
"That's it.
649
00:34:55,560 --> 00:34:57,560
All finished, then. All shaken off."
650
00:35:00,040 --> 00:35:01,960
At one point,
I was chatting in the kitchen,
651
00:35:02,040 --> 00:35:03,360
and she ran past the hallway.
652
00:35:03,480 --> 00:35:05,480
I think she was just showing off. [grunts]
653
00:35:10,720 --> 00:35:13,400
And she ran into a room,
and we heard, "Smash!"
654
00:35:14,760 --> 00:35:17,160
There had been a full length mirror
against the wall.
655
00:35:17,600 --> 00:35:19,200
She ran in. She hit it...
656
00:35:19,760 --> 00:35:21,760
She horribly cut her hands open,
657
00:35:21,840 --> 00:35:24,440
and she was spraying blood round the room.
658
00:35:24,520 --> 00:35:26,480
[shouts] "I'm hurt."
659
00:35:27,400 --> 00:35:29,960
I went, "Oh, my God!
We've got to get to the hospital."
660
00:35:30,480 --> 00:35:33,120
They went, "She's always doing
things like this when she's drunk."
661
00:35:33,680 --> 00:35:35,360
And my friend got some toilet roll,
662
00:35:36,120 --> 00:35:37,720
and he just filled her hands...
663
00:35:38,520 --> 00:35:39,880
until she had two...
664
00:35:40,760 --> 00:35:42,640
horrible, bloody...
665
00:35:43,400 --> 00:35:46,000
soggy cricket balls of gore in her hand.
666
00:35:47,240 --> 00:35:48,760
Then he got some Sellotape...
667
00:35:49,960 --> 00:35:51,800
and just wrapped them, like this.
668
00:35:52,520 --> 00:35:55,920
until she had two transparent,
blooded stumps.
669
00:35:57,480 --> 00:35:59,400
I thought, "That's gonna slow her down
at least."
670
00:35:59,520 --> 00:36:01,520
No, it fucking didn't.
671
00:36:02,120 --> 00:36:04,760
If anything, the lobster claws
made her more determined.
672
00:36:05,800 --> 00:36:07,320
[shouts]
673
00:36:09,680 --> 00:36:12,600
[shouts]
Those two assholes went to bed,
674
00:36:12,680 --> 00:36:15,320
leaving me on my own
with old fucking lobster claws.
675
00:36:15,760 --> 00:36:17,320
I go, "That's it. I'm running away."
676
00:36:17,400 --> 00:36:18,880
I went to the front door.
677
00:36:18,960 --> 00:36:20,600
I was just gonna run into the fields.
678
00:36:20,720 --> 00:36:22,040
I opened the front door.
679
00:36:22,600 --> 00:36:23,440
It was snowing.
680
00:36:23,720 --> 00:36:26,160
It was chucking. It was a snowstorm.
681
00:36:26,240 --> 00:36:28,000
And I went, "Ah, fuck!"
682
00:36:29,800 --> 00:36:30,880
And then, behind me...
683
00:36:32,120 --> 00:36:33,440
I heard the footsteps.
684
00:36:42,360 --> 00:36:43,520
"Oh, my God."
685
00:36:43,720 --> 00:36:44,560
"What?"
686
00:36:44,640 --> 00:36:46,080
"It's snowing!"
687
00:36:46,320 --> 00:36:47,960
And she ran into the snow.
688
00:36:52,240 --> 00:36:53,840
And I watched her disappear.
689
00:36:55,920 --> 00:36:57,200
And I thought, "Yeah...
690
00:36:58,280 --> 00:37:00,520
I think she may bleed to death tonight.
691
00:37:04,440 --> 00:37:06,000
And I think I'm going to let her."
692
00:37:08,480 --> 00:37:10,920
Then I felt guilty and I followed her out.
693
00:37:11,760 --> 00:37:14,160
It was easy to find her. I followed
the trail of blood in the snow.
694
00:37:14,240 --> 00:37:16,520
It's like a scene from Fargo.
695
00:37:17,520 --> 00:37:20,240
When I got there, it was quite sweet,
she was playing in the snow.
696
00:37:25,840 --> 00:37:27,560
I went, "Please, come in."
She went... [grunts]
697
00:37:31,920 --> 00:37:32,920
"You come get me."
698
00:37:33,000 --> 00:37:35,480
"Yes, I did. I'm worried about you.
699
00:37:35,560 --> 00:37:36,760
Please come in." She went... [grunts]
700
00:37:37,360 --> 00:37:38,600
"I'm not going anywhere.
701
00:37:40,040 --> 00:37:41,840
Not until you give me a little kiss."
702
00:37:43,080 --> 00:37:44,960
And I went... [gasps]
703
00:37:46,120 --> 00:37:48,000
And I just... [kisses]
704
00:37:48,120 --> 00:37:49,440
I just gave her a peck.
705
00:37:49,680 --> 00:37:51,480
She whipped her face around.
706
00:37:51,560 --> 00:37:52,800
And even in that second...
707
00:37:52,880 --> 00:37:55,720
I got to find out that even her tongue
was muscular.
708
00:37:59,160 --> 00:38:01,280
Like being pistol-whipped by a dry eel.
709
00:38:05,040 --> 00:38:07,600
And I talked her into coming in.
She went... [grunts]
710
00:38:08,920 --> 00:38:10,000
She went to the toilet.
711
00:38:10,080 --> 00:38:12,200
As soon as she'd gone to the toilet,
I ran upstairs.
712
00:38:12,440 --> 00:38:14,240
I went into the first empty bedroom
I could find.
713
00:38:14,520 --> 00:38:16,920
I got onto the duvet
and tried to make myself flat.
714
00:38:26,120 --> 00:38:27,560
She was gone for ages.
715
00:38:28,000 --> 00:38:30,000
With the wisdom of hindsight,
I think she'd been for a shit
716
00:38:30,080 --> 00:38:31,880
and realized there was no toilet paper.
717
00:38:37,120 --> 00:38:38,320
And I lay there...
718
00:38:40,000 --> 00:38:41,160
motionless...
719
00:38:42,840 --> 00:38:44,640
and then I heard the footsteps again.
720
00:39:10,360 --> 00:39:12,560
"Where have you gone?
721
00:39:19,560 --> 00:39:21,360
Ooh!
722
00:39:24,040 --> 00:39:27,680
I can see your big fat tummy."
723
00:39:28,800 --> 00:39:29,760
And then she came...
724
00:39:30,480 --> 00:39:31,760
She got under the duvet.
725
00:39:32,480 --> 00:39:34,720
She started ferreting around
and the duvet...
726
00:39:35,200 --> 00:39:36,400
came away from my face,
727
00:39:36,480 --> 00:39:37,720
and that's when I realized
for the first time
728
00:39:37,800 --> 00:39:41,240
that the whole ceiling in that place
was one mirror.
729
00:39:42,800 --> 00:39:44,920
It was. I saw myself revealed...
730
00:39:45,720 --> 00:39:47,200
when the duvet fell away.
731
00:39:48,720 --> 00:39:49,800
I was tired.
732
00:39:51,120 --> 00:39:52,240
I was exhausted.
733
00:39:53,800 --> 00:39:55,080
I lost the will to fight.
734
00:40:04,200 --> 00:40:06,760
And the last thing I saw that night,
ladies and gentlemen,
735
00:40:06,880 --> 00:40:08,600
reflected in the ceiling,
736
00:40:08,680 --> 00:40:11,520
was my own flaccid penis being masturbated
737
00:40:11,600 --> 00:40:13,200
by two bloodied stumps.
738
00:40:29,840 --> 00:40:31,040
I guess what I'm saying is,
739
00:40:31,120 --> 00:40:33,480
not all love stories
are gonna go down in history, are they?
740
00:40:42,920 --> 00:40:44,280
Let's have another quote.
741
00:40:45,280 --> 00:40:47,120
"Every child is an artist."
742
00:40:47,920 --> 00:40:50,240
Picasso allegedly said that.
743
00:40:50,360 --> 00:40:53,200
"Every child is an--"
Who's got young children here?
744
00:40:54,160 --> 00:40:55,640
Honestly, what's their art like?
745
00:40:56,560 --> 00:40:58,080
It's fucking shit, isn't it?
746
00:40:58,640 --> 00:41:00,880
I've got two nieces,
seven and nine years of age.
747
00:41:00,960 --> 00:41:03,920
I love them dearly,
but their art is fucking appalling.
748
00:41:04,640 --> 00:41:05,480
"What's that?"
749
00:41:05,560 --> 00:41:06,840
"It's a house." "Is it?"
750
00:41:06,920 --> 00:41:08,720
"Who's that next to it?" "The owner."
751
00:41:08,800 --> 00:41:10,680
"Really? Why are they the same height?"
752
00:41:10,760 --> 00:41:13,120
"It's called perspective, dipshit."
753
00:41:15,240 --> 00:41:17,120
That's okay, they're children.
754
00:41:17,200 --> 00:41:19,120
It's okay for children to make mistakes.
755
00:41:19,440 --> 00:41:22,280
It's okay for children to be shit,
because they'll either get good,
756
00:41:22,360 --> 00:41:24,000
or they'll find out they're shit.
757
00:41:24,840 --> 00:41:27,480
What worries me a little more is
when adults try
758
00:41:27,560 --> 00:41:29,680
and kid themselves about something.
759
00:41:29,760 --> 00:41:31,360
When I was still teaching,
760
00:41:31,440 --> 00:41:34,440
we had a guest speaker come to the school.
761
00:41:36,040 --> 00:41:41,320
It was the ex-World Champion boxer
Chris Eubank.
762
00:41:41,400 --> 00:41:44,240
You may recognize him.
763
00:41:49,520 --> 00:41:50,360
Okay.
764
00:41:52,520 --> 00:41:56,560
Okay, I'm just gonna explain something
to people who don't realize.
765
00:41:57,120 --> 00:41:59,120
There are some people in this room
766
00:41:59,440 --> 00:42:02,400
who think I can't do
a good Chris Eubank impression.
767
00:42:06,200 --> 00:42:09,560
Those people are about
to be proved extremely wrong.
768
00:42:10,840 --> 00:42:13,280
Chris came in,
and he spoke to the children
769
00:42:13,360 --> 00:42:16,520
for-- ready? Three and a half hours.
770
00:42:19,880 --> 00:42:21,880
Three and a half hours of...
771
00:42:22,160 --> 00:42:23,800
"Yes, the thing is...
772
00:42:29,480 --> 00:42:30,600
The thing is...
773
00:42:33,440 --> 00:42:34,760
when I was a pugilist...
774
00:42:37,120 --> 00:42:40,120
I would apply myself with the vigor
of a lion."
775
00:42:41,840 --> 00:42:43,160
He was amazing, you know.
776
00:42:44,320 --> 00:42:46,600
He walked up and down the front
like this.
777
00:42:46,680 --> 00:42:48,200
The kids were sat out as you are.
778
00:42:48,320 --> 00:42:49,920
He walked up and down
for three and a half hours going,
779
00:42:50,000 --> 00:42:52,360
"It doesn't matter
what you decide you want to be...
780
00:42:54,200 --> 00:42:57,360
You want to be an architect
or whatever it is that you desire..."
781
00:42:58,840 --> 00:43:00,800
But he had a little trick up his sleeve.
782
00:43:00,880 --> 00:43:02,440
He'd written some poems.
783
00:43:02,720 --> 00:43:05,400
Original poems, which is interesting.
784
00:43:06,320 --> 00:43:07,880
And this is how he delivered them.
785
00:43:08,360 --> 00:43:09,200
"You must...
786
00:43:13,520 --> 00:43:15,800
Sometimes I would train
for 12 to 14 hours.
787
00:43:16,360 --> 00:43:19,040
And when you decide
what it is you want to do,
788
00:43:19,120 --> 00:43:20,600
I would urge you to remember this...
789
00:43:20,960 --> 00:43:22,960
always look at the man in the mirror
790
00:43:23,040 --> 00:43:25,040
and ask what you want him to be.
791
00:43:25,600 --> 00:43:27,920
'Cause the man in the mirror
is not just you.
792
00:43:28,040 --> 00:43:29,880
The man in the mirror is me."
793
00:43:33,520 --> 00:43:35,560
And as this lady will testify to,
794
00:43:35,640 --> 00:43:37,560
it scared the shit out of the children.
795
00:43:40,320 --> 00:43:43,160
Admittedly,
Chris' tits weren't as sweaty as mine.
796
00:43:47,120 --> 00:43:48,280
And unlike me...
797
00:43:48,920 --> 00:43:50,720
Chris didn't inhale your hair.
798
00:43:55,320 --> 00:43:56,840
[laughs]
799
00:43:58,440 --> 00:43:59,360
Why not, though?
800
00:43:59,560 --> 00:44:01,360
I've met Chris a few times.
He's a lovely bloke.
801
00:44:01,480 --> 00:44:02,960
Why not try some poetry out?
802
00:44:03,040 --> 00:44:04,400
I don't want to be cynical.
803
00:44:04,480 --> 00:44:07,680
I would argue that perhaps Chris
isn't gonna be remembered as a poet.
804
00:44:08,120 --> 00:44:10,280
But he is gonna be remembered
as a great boxer,
805
00:44:10,360 --> 00:44:15,160
so he's got something covered there,
but self-delusion can get dangerous.
806
00:44:15,640 --> 00:44:18,680
I was in a taxi again in London.
807
00:44:19,000 --> 00:44:21,560
It was driven by a Londoner
with a thick London accent.
808
00:44:21,640 --> 00:44:22,960
He was one of those Cockneys
809
00:44:23,040 --> 00:44:25,040
who could get you
whatever you want in life.
810
00:44:25,360 --> 00:44:27,040
He was like, "Yeah, yeah.
What do you need?
811
00:44:27,120 --> 00:44:29,640
A zebra? No problem. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
812
00:44:30,200 --> 00:44:31,600
Yeah, I know a bloke in Rumford.
813
00:44:31,680 --> 00:44:34,400
He's got a lock up full
of the stripy cunts.
814
00:44:39,120 --> 00:44:41,800
Can't shift them.
They're like weird horses, aren't they?
815
00:44:41,920 --> 00:44:43,880
They're like weird horses."
816
00:44:46,240 --> 00:44:48,120
I was not in the mood for a chat,
817
00:44:48,200 --> 00:44:50,280
and he was a chatty taxi driver.
818
00:44:50,920 --> 00:44:53,080
I was sitting there going,
"Please don't talk."
819
00:44:53,160 --> 00:44:55,280
And he was like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah."
Then he said that thing you dread
820
00:44:55,360 --> 00:44:56,400
from some taxi drivers.
821
00:44:56,480 --> 00:45:01,000
He went, "Yeah, 'cause of course...
I wasn't always in this game."
822
00:45:01,080 --> 00:45:03,200
And I went, "Ah, fuck.
823
00:45:05,640 --> 00:45:07,320
A life story."
824
00:45:07,840 --> 00:45:09,760
I was always gonna talk to him.
I've got manners.
825
00:45:09,840 --> 00:45:12,520
I was raised well by the woman
whose teddy I fucked.
826
00:45:16,520 --> 00:45:18,560
So I now, "Go on,
what did you used to do?"
827
00:45:18,640 --> 00:45:21,920
He goes, "I used to be
in the old music game, as it goes."
828
00:45:22,440 --> 00:45:23,640
I went, "Uh-huh. Yeah.
829
00:45:24,560 --> 00:45:25,840
What did you used to do?"
830
00:45:25,920 --> 00:45:27,960
He goes, "I was a bass player."
831
00:45:28,240 --> 00:45:29,320
I went, "Right.
832
00:45:30,720 --> 00:45:32,240
Any bands I might have heard of?"
833
00:45:32,320 --> 00:45:34,720
He goes, "Yeah, maybe. Yeah, maybe."
I went, "Go on."
834
00:45:35,640 --> 00:45:39,080
He goes, "For a long time I was in A-ha."
835
00:45:44,280 --> 00:45:45,560
"You were in A-ha?"
836
00:45:46,200 --> 00:45:47,640
"Yeah, I was in A-ha."
837
00:45:47,880 --> 00:45:49,760
"A-ha? 'Take on Me', A-ha?"
838
00:45:49,840 --> 00:45:53,680
"Yeah. 'Take on Me', A-ha.
From Norway, yeah."
839
00:45:57,120 --> 00:45:58,680
I went, "You weren't in A-ha, mate."
840
00:45:58,840 --> 00:46:00,840
He goes, "I was with them for years."
841
00:46:01,080 --> 00:46:03,400
I went, "Mate! I know who A-ha are.
842
00:46:04,280 --> 00:46:07,480
They're Mags, Pål... and Morten."
843
00:46:07,560 --> 00:46:08,560
"Yeah, yeah."
844
00:46:08,960 --> 00:46:10,600
"There was no you in A-ha."
845
00:46:11,160 --> 00:46:13,960
He goes, "Yeah, yeah, I was."
And it fucking pissed me off.
846
00:46:14,600 --> 00:46:17,720
I'm in a bad mood, and I've
got a fucking Cockney taxi driver
847
00:46:17,960 --> 00:46:19,600
telling me he was in A-ha.
848
00:46:21,240 --> 00:46:24,280
I started playing the scenario in my mind
of Morten and the boys...
849
00:46:24,360 --> 00:46:27,280
"Yeah, boys, we don't appear
to have a bass player."
850
00:46:30,280 --> 00:46:32,760
It's not just Eubank I do, my friends.
851
00:46:36,120 --> 00:46:37,400
"Oh, dear boys."
852
00:46:41,720 --> 00:46:43,520
Fuck you. I'll do all three of them.
853
00:46:45,480 --> 00:46:49,520
"Oh, dear.
We don't appear to have a bass player.
854
00:46:53,520 --> 00:46:56,440
Do we, Pål?"
"No, we don't.
855
00:46:57,840 --> 00:46:59,560
We haven't got a bass player."
856
00:46:59,920 --> 00:47:02,520
"Oh, no. We need one, don't we?"
857
00:47:04,920 --> 00:47:06,240
"Why don't you ask Mags."
858
00:47:06,320 --> 00:47:08,560
"Mags?" "Yes."
859
00:47:12,000 --> 00:47:15,360
"We were just saying we need a..."
"We do need a bass player."
860
00:47:15,440 --> 00:47:18,800
"Well, what shall we do?"
861
00:47:19,160 --> 00:47:21,320
"Well, we have got some options."
862
00:47:25,720 --> 00:47:26,840
Amazing, isn't it?
863
00:47:27,640 --> 00:47:30,080
Amazing I'm still doing it,
but I am gonna carry on.
864
00:47:32,920 --> 00:47:34,080
"Yes."
865
00:47:34,160 --> 00:47:35,760
"What are our options?"
866
00:47:36,960 --> 00:47:37,960
"Well...
867
00:47:38,480 --> 00:47:40,880
We could go to a music school here
in Norway
868
00:47:40,960 --> 00:47:42,680
where we could ask for a bass player.
869
00:47:42,760 --> 00:47:43,600
Yes.
870
00:47:43,720 --> 00:47:45,720
Or... or... or...
871
00:47:45,840 --> 00:47:47,360
we could get three flights,
872
00:47:47,440 --> 00:47:50,280
go to London
and ask a fucking taxi driver."
873
00:47:52,360 --> 00:47:53,440
It's bullshit.
874
00:47:54,960 --> 00:47:56,320
It's bullshit.
875
00:47:59,720 --> 00:48:02,240
If you don't like your job,
change your job.
876
00:48:02,320 --> 00:48:05,840
Don't tell tired, grumpy people
you used to be in fucking A-ha.
877
00:48:07,040 --> 00:48:08,840
I couldn't stop thinking about it,
I was so wound up.
878
00:48:08,920 --> 00:48:11,880
I went and watched the video
for "The Sun Always Shines on TV."
879
00:48:12,840 --> 00:48:14,320
Now, here's the thing...
880
00:48:15,240 --> 00:48:16,240
It was him.
881
00:48:23,480 --> 00:48:25,520
What are the fucking chances?
882
00:48:30,120 --> 00:48:31,120
It really was.
883
00:48:34,440 --> 00:48:36,080
Some people manage to...
884
00:48:36,640 --> 00:48:38,200
put out a positive...
885
00:48:38,840 --> 00:48:41,120
impression of themselves really easily,
886
00:48:41,280 --> 00:48:42,960
to the whole populous, nearly.
887
00:48:43,520 --> 00:48:45,600
I'll give you an example,
the seriously ill.
888
00:48:47,800 --> 00:48:49,040
That's right. Yeah.
889
00:48:49,120 --> 00:48:51,840
No one has taken them down before.
Here I am.
890
00:48:54,920 --> 00:48:56,320
What do you ever say about them?
891
00:48:56,400 --> 00:48:58,440
What ever gets
said about the seriously ill?
892
00:49:00,880 --> 00:49:01,880
"How awful..."
893
00:49:02,880 --> 00:49:03,960
"Poor thing."
894
00:49:05,840 --> 00:49:08,200
I went to Leicester to do a gig.
895
00:49:08,280 --> 00:49:11,200
And I got invited
to Leicester's biggest hospice...
896
00:49:11,720 --> 00:49:16,360
to do a day visit, and I thought,
"Fuck! No!"
897
00:49:16,560 --> 00:49:19,040
But, of course,
you can't turn that offer down.
898
00:49:19,400 --> 00:49:22,360
I went,.I thought it would be
the worst thing I'd ever have seen.
899
00:49:22,760 --> 00:49:26,480
And it was one of the most
uplifting and wonderful places,
900
00:49:26,560 --> 00:49:28,880
and I said, "I can't
believe there's any laughter
901
00:49:28,960 --> 00:49:30,880
going on in this place at all."
902
00:49:30,960 --> 00:49:32,640
And the lady who runs it said,
903
00:49:32,720 --> 00:49:35,000
"Yeah, well, that's the prejudice we're
fighting against,
904
00:49:35,240 --> 00:49:37,520
'cause these people are still alive.
905
00:49:37,760 --> 00:49:42,240
And so, we want them to have good times."
You know?
906
00:49:42,520 --> 00:49:44,640
And it really got me, because...
907
00:49:45,440 --> 00:49:47,200
I avoid thinking about ill people.
908
00:49:47,280 --> 00:49:49,240
And when I thought about it, my own dad,
909
00:49:49,360 --> 00:49:51,560
who was ill for six years
before he died...
910
00:49:51,800 --> 00:49:53,720
When I think back on him now,
911
00:49:53,800 --> 00:49:56,720
I just remember some pathetic,
old, ill man. Right?
912
00:49:56,840 --> 00:50:00,360
And he was loads more
than a pathetic, old, ill man.
913
00:50:00,880 --> 00:50:03,120
So I started to think, once she said that,
914
00:50:03,400 --> 00:50:05,880
"Were there any good times
in that six years?
915
00:50:06,000 --> 00:50:09,720
Were there any fun times
when he was ill?"
916
00:50:09,840 --> 00:50:11,200
And there were good times.
917
00:50:11,280 --> 00:50:13,040
There were times that we all laughed.
918
00:50:13,120 --> 00:50:14,120
I'll give you one.
919
00:50:14,240 --> 00:50:16,320
When he couldn't go to the toilet
by himself,
920
00:50:16,720 --> 00:50:19,080
my mom used to let him piss
921
00:50:19,160 --> 00:50:22,360
into a Lenor fabric softener bottle.
922
00:50:25,240 --> 00:50:26,600
I went, "Why do you use that?"
923
00:50:26,680 --> 00:50:28,480
"It's obvious. It's got a large handle,
924
00:50:28,560 --> 00:50:29,680
a big opening at the top
925
00:50:29,760 --> 00:50:31,840
and 'the refreshing smell of Lenor.'"
926
00:50:37,440 --> 00:50:39,880
I've changed your perception
of my mom, haven't I?
927
00:50:39,960 --> 00:50:41,600
She's not a stupid old lady anymore.
928
00:50:41,680 --> 00:50:44,960
She's a wonderful, caring wife, isn't she?
Strap yourselves in.
929
00:50:46,760 --> 00:50:47,800
I went home one day,
930
00:50:47,880 --> 00:50:49,920
there was a small bottle
of Lenor on the side
931
00:50:50,000 --> 00:50:51,160
and a very angry mom.
932
00:50:51,280 --> 00:50:53,160
I went, "You all right?"
She goes, "No, I'm not.
933
00:50:53,240 --> 00:50:54,640
They've redesigned it.
934
00:50:55,720 --> 00:50:56,840
They've redesigned it.
935
00:50:56,920 --> 00:50:58,760
No handle, no big aperture.
936
00:50:58,840 --> 00:51:00,080
I'm the laughingstock.
937
00:51:00,160 --> 00:51:02,800
I've recommended it to all my friends
with ill husbands."
938
00:51:03,320 --> 00:51:05,440
And I went, "I'm sorry.
939
00:51:06,040 --> 00:51:08,240
I'm sorry Lenor ruined your system."
940
00:51:08,320 --> 00:51:09,560
She goes, "It's disgusting."
941
00:51:09,920 --> 00:51:12,080
Then I heard some laughter
from the other room.
942
00:51:12,640 --> 00:51:14,200
And it was my dad, in bed,
943
00:51:14,400 --> 00:51:15,520
laughing his head off.
944
00:51:15,960 --> 00:51:18,200
And he shouted, "Ask her what she did."
945
00:51:19,880 --> 00:51:21,360
And I go, "What?"
946
00:51:21,440 --> 00:51:24,480
He goes, "Ask her what she did."
I went, "What did you do?"
947
00:51:24,560 --> 00:51:27,720
She goes, "He's been lying in his bed
taking a piss out of me all morning."
948
00:51:28,360 --> 00:51:29,600
"What did you do?"
949
00:51:29,680 --> 00:51:31,920
[shrugs] "I wrote to them."
950
00:51:37,440 --> 00:51:39,280
I had a vision of the head designer
951
00:51:39,360 --> 00:51:40,720
coming in and going, "Stop!
952
00:51:42,480 --> 00:51:43,760
It's a wonderful bottle.
953
00:51:43,840 --> 00:51:46,240
It's half the size,
less liquid, more portable,
954
00:51:46,680 --> 00:51:48,520
but none of you have stopped
to consider
955
00:51:48,600 --> 00:51:51,280
whether we can get an old man's wang
into this bottle."
956
00:51:56,320 --> 00:51:57,160
Do you know what?
957
00:51:57,560 --> 00:52:01,040
Even on the day my dad died,
there was some mirth...
958
00:52:01,720 --> 00:52:04,080
when me and my mom and my sister
959
00:52:04,200 --> 00:52:06,040
were standing round his bed
960
00:52:06,120 --> 00:52:09,120
on what I've always described
as the worst day in my life so far.
961
00:52:09,200 --> 00:52:11,400
If you've lost someone,
you know what this is like.
962
00:52:11,560 --> 00:52:14,000
We were standing there,
waiting for the inevitable,
963
00:52:14,120 --> 00:52:15,840
and when I thought back to it,
964
00:52:16,080 --> 00:52:18,160
someone made us laugh.
965
00:52:18,520 --> 00:52:21,760
And if my dad had been more with it,
he would've laughed his head off, too.
966
00:52:21,840 --> 00:52:22,960
It was a male nurse.
967
00:52:23,040 --> 00:52:26,800
He came into the room, and he said,
"Ho!
968
00:52:27,440 --> 00:52:29,360
I am having a bad week."
969
00:52:33,720 --> 00:52:36,760
And we all went, "Yep, it's pretty bad
over here as well."
970
00:52:37,520 --> 00:52:39,840
He didn't take the hint.
He went, "Yep. It's my son.
971
00:52:40,960 --> 00:52:41,920
He is fat.
972
00:52:43,080 --> 00:52:45,080
He is mega fat."
973
00:52:47,200 --> 00:52:50,040
And we went, "Okay, sorry to hear
about your fat son.
974
00:52:50,120 --> 00:52:51,160
It's just...
975
00:52:51,600 --> 00:52:54,120
we're kind of dealing
with a thing over here."
976
00:52:54,400 --> 00:52:55,800
And then he said this, "Yep.
977
00:52:56,840 --> 00:52:58,840
He's ten stone...
978
00:52:59,120 --> 00:53:00,680
and he's only six."
979
00:53:02,120 --> 00:53:03,160
I've got to tell you,
980
00:53:03,240 --> 00:53:05,560
that's when I walked away
from my dying father.
981
00:53:06,120 --> 00:53:08,800
"Ten stone? A 140-lbs. six-year-old?
982
00:53:09,360 --> 00:53:13,680
I'm in. Fucking stop talking
about your mega fat kid.
983
00:53:17,320 --> 00:53:19,200
A 140-lbs. six-year-old?"
984
00:53:19,280 --> 00:53:20,880
"Yeah. Super fat.
985
00:53:21,920 --> 00:53:23,640
Super fat."
986
00:53:24,000 --> 00:53:26,280
And I went, "Jesus Christ, mate.
What are you feeding him?"
987
00:53:26,880 --> 00:53:30,120
He said... arguably my favorite sentence
I've ever heard.
988
00:53:30,320 --> 00:53:31,200
He said...
989
00:53:32,480 --> 00:53:35,000
"He eats a whole cooked chicken
every day."
990
00:53:37,240 --> 00:53:40,480
And that's when my sister walked away
from her dying father.
991
00:53:41,320 --> 00:53:43,200
She wanted to know about
the six-year-old
992
00:53:43,280 --> 00:53:45,160
who's gobbling
an entire chicken every day.
993
00:53:45,400 --> 00:53:48,520
Who doesn't want to know
about the fat chicken kid? We all do.
994
00:53:48,880 --> 00:53:51,760
She goes,"You shouldn't be feeding him
a whole chicken every day..."
995
00:53:51,960 --> 00:53:55,120
He goes, "I'm not feeding him."
996
00:53:55,320 --> 00:53:57,520
"He's getting a whole chicken
from somewhere."
997
00:53:57,600 --> 00:53:58,720
"He helps himself."
998
00:53:59,600 --> 00:54:01,600
My sister's like,
"Why don't you stop him?"
999
00:54:01,840 --> 00:54:03,840
He said, "I can't. He's stronger than me.
1000
00:54:06,120 --> 00:54:08,080
He pushes me out of the way
of the fridge.
1001
00:54:09,440 --> 00:54:11,760
There's nothing I can do about it."
1002
00:54:12,240 --> 00:54:14,280
That's when his luck changed,
1003
00:54:14,800 --> 00:54:16,560
because my mom...
1004
00:54:17,800 --> 00:54:21,440
stood up from her husband of 50 years,
1005
00:54:21,520 --> 00:54:23,160
and I saw her mouth dry up,
1006
00:54:23,240 --> 00:54:24,760
and she went, "What do you mean?
1007
00:54:25,320 --> 00:54:27,680
What you mean there's nothing
you can do about it?"
1008
00:54:28,440 --> 00:54:31,920
My mom is an old school disciplinarian,
and I'll tell you this now,
1009
00:54:32,000 --> 00:54:34,800
if she were here, she would deny it,
but it is fucking true.
1010
00:54:34,880 --> 00:54:36,680
In fact, I want to get it on record.
1011
00:54:37,040 --> 00:54:38,000
When I was a child,
1012
00:54:38,080 --> 00:54:40,040
I wouldn't eat my peas one Sunday,
1013
00:54:40,120 --> 00:54:41,800
and she punched me in the face.
1014
00:54:42,760 --> 00:54:44,040
And that is true.
1015
00:54:50,640 --> 00:54:52,720
When she saw this show, she said,
1016
00:54:52,800 --> 00:54:53,960
"I object to that, Greg.
1017
00:54:54,040 --> 00:54:55,840
It wasn't a punch. It was a flat palm."
1018
00:55:01,920 --> 00:55:03,040
She heard the sentence,
1019
00:55:03,120 --> 00:55:05,520
"There's nothing I can do about it."
1020
00:55:05,600 --> 00:55:07,080
She went, "What do you mean
there's nothing you can do about it?
1021
00:55:08,040 --> 00:55:10,720
Stop a six-year-old from eating
a whole chicken every day.
1022
00:55:11,200 --> 00:55:14,520
Of course there's something you can do."
He goes, "There's nothing I can do."
1023
00:55:14,600 --> 00:55:17,640
And she said, "For God's sake, man,
don't cook him a chicken."
1024
00:55:18,000 --> 00:55:20,960
And we all pissed ourselves laughing
in unison
1025
00:55:21,200 --> 00:55:22,840
when he shouted back at her.
1026
00:55:22,920 --> 00:55:25,520
He went, "No! That's the problem.
1027
00:55:25,600 --> 00:55:27,320
He cooks it himself!"
1028
00:55:35,880 --> 00:55:36,800
Oh, man.
1029
00:55:43,760 --> 00:55:44,680
So...
1030
00:55:45,440 --> 00:55:46,960
inevitably, my dad died.
1031
00:55:47,040 --> 00:55:49,440
If you've lost someone,
you know how shit that is.
1032
00:55:49,600 --> 00:55:50,720
We were very close.
1033
00:55:51,040 --> 00:55:53,440
I want to fast forward
two and a half years
1034
00:55:53,560 --> 00:55:56,600
to Christmas two and a half years ago.
1035
00:55:56,680 --> 00:55:58,520
My sister had brought the kids home
1036
00:55:58,600 --> 00:55:59,920
and my brother-in-law,
1037
00:56:00,000 --> 00:56:02,000
and we were sitting in the front room
1038
00:56:02,080 --> 00:56:03,760
about to watch the Queen's speech.
1039
00:56:03,840 --> 00:56:05,760
Of course, a big tradition in Britain.
1040
00:56:05,840 --> 00:56:08,280
Three o'clock on Christmas day,
lots of people sit down
1041
00:56:08,360 --> 00:56:12,040
and listen to the Queen has to say
about the year that's gone behind us.
1042
00:56:12,120 --> 00:56:13,760
My mom never misses it. Now...
1043
00:56:14,360 --> 00:56:17,760
I did an award-winning fart.
1044
00:56:19,520 --> 00:56:23,800
It ripped through the room
like fork lightning.
1045
00:56:24,440 --> 00:56:26,840
I knew it was a classic,
'cause the Queen hadn't spoken yet,
1046
00:56:26,920 --> 00:56:28,800
but it caused my mom to leave the room.
1047
00:56:31,840 --> 00:56:33,360
My sister said this to me.
1048
00:56:34,120 --> 00:56:36,040
She said, "You know I've just realized."
1049
00:56:36,120 --> 00:56:37,240
I went, "Go on."
1050
00:56:37,520 --> 00:56:42,560
"I've just realized your farts,
they sound exactly like Dad's."
1051
00:56:44,520 --> 00:56:45,400
Now...
1052
00:56:45,960 --> 00:56:47,320
my dad was an academic,
1053
00:56:47,680 --> 00:56:50,200
a world traveler,
the funniest man I've ever met.
1054
00:56:50,280 --> 00:56:51,640
He would've bored you himself.
1055
00:56:51,720 --> 00:56:53,880
He once played cricket
with the King of Jordan.
1056
00:56:54,800 --> 00:56:58,160
And I thought to myself,
"Hmm, I wonder...
1057
00:56:59,120 --> 00:57:01,280
Is that the epitaph he would
have dreamt of?
1058
00:57:03,440 --> 00:57:06,920
That he has passed down
anus genes to his son.
1059
00:57:10,440 --> 00:57:12,280
That the strongest genetic...
1060
00:57:13,000 --> 00:57:14,440
gift he gave his son...
1061
00:57:15,240 --> 00:57:16,800
was the same anus."
1062
00:57:18,360 --> 00:57:19,600
I thought...
1063
00:57:21,640 --> 00:57:23,360
If I'm gonna talk about him in a show,
1064
00:57:23,440 --> 00:57:25,160
I'm gonna put a better epitaph
out there.
1065
00:57:25,520 --> 00:57:28,920
So I started thinking of pithy things
I could sum my dad up with.
1066
00:57:29,200 --> 00:57:30,360
He was a very funny man,
1067
00:57:30,440 --> 00:57:33,160
he used to lie to us all the time
for fun, to amuse himself.
1068
00:57:33,240 --> 00:57:37,120
He once told us he was bitten by shark
off the coast of North Wales.
1069
00:57:37,200 --> 00:57:39,440
He was a very proud Welshman, my dad.
1070
00:57:39,880 --> 00:57:44,080
And when my sister used to get mad
and go, "Why do you lie to us?"
1071
00:57:44,160 --> 00:57:46,080
He'd go, "Because the truth
is so boring."
1072
00:57:46,600 --> 00:57:48,520
And I thought, "That's a great epitaph."
1073
00:57:48,680 --> 00:57:50,920
And I thought another epitaph could be
1074
00:57:51,040 --> 00:57:53,400
the time that I wound him up
when I was a teenager,
1075
00:57:53,480 --> 00:57:55,680
and he grabbed me by the throat once
and pushed me against the wall
1076
00:57:55,760 --> 00:57:58,120
and said, "Don't mess with me,
you fuck pig."
1077
00:57:58,200 --> 00:58:01,680
Which is an extraordinary epitaph.
1078
00:58:06,160 --> 00:58:07,600
Do you know what I've realized?
1079
00:58:07,920 --> 00:58:09,520
You can't write an epitaph.
1080
00:58:09,600 --> 00:58:12,000
Think about someone you've lost
and been close to.
1081
00:58:12,080 --> 00:58:15,680
It's impossible to sum a human being up
with a pithy thing.
1082
00:58:15,760 --> 00:58:18,480
It's not possible, because there are
a thousand different things
1083
00:58:18,560 --> 00:58:21,720
to a thousand different people,
just as we all are, as well.
1084
00:58:21,800 --> 00:58:23,000
You can't do it.
1085
00:58:23,120 --> 00:58:26,600
You cannot try and convince everyone
that you're all right.
1086
00:58:26,720 --> 00:58:27,800
With all that said...
1087
00:58:29,040 --> 00:58:30,320
I hope you'll indulge me,
1088
00:58:30,400 --> 00:58:33,080
I'm gonna leave you tonight
with a small tribute to my dad.
1089
00:58:34,120 --> 00:58:36,520
We once did a long trip to Wales.
1090
00:58:37,560 --> 00:58:39,680
And on that road trip, he said to me,
1091
00:58:39,840 --> 00:58:41,840
"You know nothing of Wales, do you?
1092
00:58:42,320 --> 00:58:44,360
You know nothing of your heritage.
1093
00:58:44,800 --> 00:58:46,000
of Welsh culture?"
1094
00:58:47,240 --> 00:58:48,440
And I don't. He's right.
1095
00:58:48,520 --> 00:58:51,440
I didn't then, and I don't now.
And I couldn't give a shit.
1096
00:58:57,840 --> 00:59:00,240
Sorry if you enjoyed
Who Do You Think You Are?
1097
00:59:06,280 --> 00:59:07,680
[laughs]
1098
00:59:08,040 --> 00:59:09,200
Not true, of course.
1099
00:59:09,800 --> 00:59:10,840
I said, "What do you want me to do?"
1100
00:59:10,920 --> 00:59:13,200
He said, "Learn some Welsh."
I went, "Let's go."
1101
00:59:13,280 --> 00:59:16,080
He said, "I'm gonna teach you a song."
I said, "Teach me a song."
1102
00:59:16,200 --> 00:59:20,040
He goes, "A traditional Welsh folk song."
And I tried to learn it.
1103
00:59:20,120 --> 00:59:21,880
In three hours, I learned two lines,
1104
00:59:21,960 --> 00:59:24,280
because Welsh as a language is insane.
1105
00:59:24,760 --> 00:59:28,040
But I learned those two lines,
and he was thrilled that I'd done it.
1106
00:59:28,120 --> 00:59:29,480
I could see it in his eyes,
1107
00:59:29,560 --> 00:59:31,000
and I've never forgotten them.
1108
00:59:31,080 --> 00:59:32,400
So if you'll indulge me,
1109
00:59:32,480 --> 00:59:36,040
I'm gonna leave you by singing
those two lines tonight. [clears throat]
1110
00:59:36,120 --> 00:59:36,960
Thank you.
1111
00:59:43,480 --> 00:59:45,480
[singing in Welsh]
1112
01:00:08,400 --> 01:00:09,480
Thanks.
1113
01:00:11,480 --> 01:00:12,360
Thanks.
1114
01:00:18,280 --> 01:00:19,120
It was...
1115
01:00:20,640 --> 01:00:24,080
It was years later, I sang that song
to my Welsh friend,
1116
01:00:24,160 --> 01:00:25,760
and he said, "What the fuck?"
1117
01:00:26,640 --> 01:00:28,480
I said, "It's a Welsh folk song."
1118
01:00:28,560 --> 01:00:30,080
He goes, "It's not a Welsh folk song.
1119
01:00:30,280 --> 01:00:32,520
Do you want me to translate it?"
I went, "Go on."
1120
01:00:32,600 --> 01:00:35,160
[speaks Welsh]
1121
01:00:35,240 --> 01:00:38,440
"The monkey is in the tree playing
with its potatoes."
1122
01:00:41,040 --> 01:00:42,200
It doesn't even make sense.
1123
01:00:43,720 --> 01:00:45,720
[speaking Welsh]
1124
01:00:46,840 --> 01:00:50,520
"The squirrel is under the table,
ram it up my ass."
1125
01:01:00,520 --> 01:01:04,920
That tells you more about my dad
than a thousand epitaphs ever could.
1126
01:01:05,600 --> 01:01:09,000
Ladies and gentlemen,
I don't like to leave things unfinished.
1127
01:01:09,520 --> 01:01:13,040
So I have finished that song
since my dad's died,
1128
01:01:13,320 --> 01:01:17,880
using as many of the beautiful animals
in God's glorious Kingdom as I could.
1129
01:01:18,440 --> 01:01:20,160
I've tried to match the tone.
1130
01:01:20,440 --> 01:01:22,360
I've had it converted into Welsh for you.
1131
01:01:22,920 --> 01:01:27,440
And I think, arguably, I've gone further
than anyone would ever go,
1132
01:01:29,120 --> 01:01:32,880
in that I've hired a male voice choir
to sing it for me.
1133
01:01:34,760 --> 01:01:38,000
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
the Phoenix Choir of Wales.
1134
01:01:42,040 --> 01:01:43,440
A tribute to my father.
1135
01:01:44,800 --> 01:01:47,680
And if your father's gone,
let it be a tribute to him, too.
1136
01:01:48,720 --> 01:01:49,800
Please, enjoy.
1137
01:01:54,520 --> 01:02:00,440
♪ The farmer's wife was very vexed ♪
1138
01:02:00,520 --> 01:02:06,560
♪ He'd been acting very odd ♪
1139
01:02:06,640 --> 01:02:13,280
♪ She asked,
"What the hell is wrong with you?"
1140
01:02:13,360 --> 01:02:19,160
♪ And this was his reply ♪
1141
01:02:19,240 --> 01:02:22,320
♪ The reply ♪
1142
01:02:22,400 --> 01:02:26,360
♪ The monkey is up the tree ♪
1143
01:02:26,440 --> 01:02:28,720
♪ Playing with its potatoes ♪
1144
01:02:28,800 --> 01:02:32,520
♪ And the squirrel is under the table ♪
1145
01:02:32,600 --> 01:02:35,080
♪ Ram it up my arse ♪
1146
01:02:35,160 --> 01:02:36,160
[Greg] So beautiful.
1147
01:02:36,240 --> 01:02:38,440
♪ She said,
"Leave that squirrel alone ♪
1148
01:02:38,520 --> 01:02:41,560
♪ Or we're heading
For a nasty divorce" ♪
1149
01:02:41,640 --> 01:02:44,760
♪ "Pray, look upon the wren," he said ♪
1150
01:02:44,840 --> 01:02:48,120
♪ It's licking out the horse ♪
1151
01:02:51,240 --> 01:02:53,600
If you feel emotional,
just let it out. It's fine.
1152
01:02:54,400 --> 01:03:00,400
♪ The crow has slapped its tits
All night ♪
1153
01:03:01,200 --> 01:03:07,120
♪ The otter's balls are very long ♪
1154
01:03:07,680 --> 01:03:14,440
♪ I saw the stoat shaving its clam ♪
1155
01:03:14,560 --> 01:03:20,880
♪ Get that squirrel up my wrong ♪
1156
01:03:20,960 --> 01:03:24,600
♪ Up my hole ♪
1157
01:03:25,120 --> 01:03:28,400
♪ The cat felt up the spider ♪
1158
01:03:28,600 --> 01:03:31,520
♪ And his bellend went really stiff ♪
1159
01:03:31,600 --> 01:03:34,760
♪ Two bison 69'd ♪
1160
01:03:34,840 --> 01:03:38,040
♪ And a rhino flashed its snatch ♪
1161
01:03:38,160 --> 01:03:41,240
♪ These animals aren't even on the farm ♪
1162
01:03:41,320 --> 01:03:44,280
♪ His poor wife cried out ♪
1163
01:03:44,360 --> 01:03:47,360
♪ Don't let the zebra hear ♪
1164
01:03:47,440 --> 01:03:50,920
♪ He's gay without a doubt ♪
1165
01:03:51,000 --> 01:03:54,680
♪ Go and see a shrink ♪
1166
01:03:54,760 --> 01:04:00,600
♪ About your problems, my dear ♪
1167
01:04:01,000 --> 01:04:07,280
♪ "The squirrel is under the table,"
He cried ♪
1168
01:04:07,600 --> 01:04:13,960
♪ Now ram it up my arse ♪
1169
01:04:16,840 --> 01:04:20,280
For our fathers.
For our fathers, ladies and gentlemen.
1170
01:04:20,720 --> 01:04:23,200
The Phoenix Choir of Wales, please.
1171
01:04:32,040 --> 01:04:34,560
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's amazing to be back in London.
1172
01:04:34,640 --> 01:04:37,320
Thank you so much for coming to see me.
I had such a great time.
1173
01:04:37,400 --> 01:04:39,000
Take care of yourselves. Thank you.
1174
01:04:41,480 --> 01:04:45,280
♪ Now usually I don't do this
But go ahead ♪
1175
01:04:45,360 --> 01:04:47,680
♪ And break 'em off with a little preview
Of the remix ♪
1176
01:04:47,760 --> 01:04:51,200
♪ Now I'm not trying to be rude ♪
But, hey, pretty girl, I'm feeling you ♪
1177
01:04:51,280 --> 01:04:54,840
♪ The way you do the things you do
Reminds me of my Lexus Coupe ♪
1178
01:04:54,920 --> 01:04:56,920
♪ That's why I'm all up in your grille ♪
1179
01:04:57,000 --> 01:04:58,760
♪ Trying to get you to a hotel ♪
1180
01:04:58,840 --> 01:05:00,480
♪ You must be a football coach ♪
1181
01:05:00,560 --> 01:05:02,040
♪ The way you got me playing the field ♪
1182
01:05:02,120 --> 01:05:05,200
♪ So, baby, give me that toot-toot
Let me give you that beep-beep ♪
1183
01:05:05,280 --> 01:05:09,400
♪ Running my hands through my 'fro
Bouncing on 24s ♪
1184
01:05:09,480 --> 01:05:11,400
♪ While they saying on the radio ♪
1185
01:05:11,480 --> 01:05:14,800
♪ It's the remix to "Ignition"
Hot and fresh out the kitchen ♪
1186
01:05:14,880 --> 01:05:18,240
♪ Mama rolling that body
Got every man in here wishin' ♪
1187
01:05:18,320 --> 01:05:21,920
♪ Sippin' on coke and rum
I'm like, "So what? I'm drunk ♪
1188
01:05:22,080 --> 01:05:26,400
♪ It's the freakin' weekend, baby
I'm about to have me some fun ♪
1189
01:05:26,480 --> 01:05:30,400
♪ Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce
Bounce, bounce, bounce ♪
1190
01:05:30,480 --> 01:05:32,480
♪ Bounce, bounce, bounce, come on ♪
1191
01:05:32,560 --> 01:05:34,560
♪ Now it's like Murder She Wrote ♪
1192
01:05:34,640 --> 01:05:36,640
♪ Once I get you out them clothes ♪
1193
01:05:36,720 --> 01:05:37,960
♪ Privacy is on the door ♪
1194
01:05:38,040 --> 01:05:40,040
♪ But still they can hear you
Screaming more ♪
1195
01:05:40,120 --> 01:05:43,720
♪ Girl, I'm feeling what you feeling
No more hoping and wishing ♪
1196
01:05:43,800 --> 01:05:47,160
♪ I'm about to take my key
And stick it in the ignition ♪
1197
01:05:47,240 --> 01:05:50,400
♪ So give me that toot-toot
Let me give you that beep-beep ♪
1198
01:05:50,480 --> 01:05:54,520
♪ Running her hands through my 'fro
Bouncing on 24s ♪
1199
01:05:54,600 --> 01:05:56,600
♪ While they saying on the radio ♪
1200
01:05:56,680 --> 01:06:00,000
♪ It's the remix to "Ignition"
Hot and fresh out the kitchen ♪
1201
01:06:00,080 --> 01:06:03,480
♪ Mama rolling that body
Got every man in here wishin' ♪
1202
01:06:03,560 --> 01:06:07,080
♪ Sippin' on coke and rum
I'm like, "So what? I'm drunk ♪
1203
01:06:07,160 --> 01:06:11,440
♪ It's the freakin' weekend, baby
I'm about to have me some fun ♪
1204
01:06:11,520 --> 01:06:15,200
♪ Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce
Bounce, bounce, bounce ♪
1205
01:06:15,320 --> 01:06:17,560
♪ Bounce, bounce, bounce, come on ♪94523
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