Original subtitles

[slinky funk music]

Man: All right, y'all got everything?

-Yep. -Yeah, I think so.

All right. Let's go.

There you go. Have a good trip.

Okay...

-Hey, Mr. T. -Hey, Kirk!

-Katie. -Hey.

You two excited?

-Yeah. -Yeah.

Right, right. Yeah, yeah.

Hey, Mr. T. You haven't quit yet?

Any day now. Ha ha.

Heh.

Richard!

-Oh! -Whoa! Hey! No.

[chuckling] Good, that's good.

Uh, thank you, Jessica. Very inappropriate.

Okay.

I'm so juiced.

This is gonna be fire.

I don't know what that means.

-Good morning, Mr. Thompson. -Hi, Maddy.

Whoa! How much you bench?

Woman: Morgan!

[sighs]

Have a great trip.

-Be good. -I will.

-I love you? -Love you, too.

What up, Mr. T?

Hey, Wings, will you give us a--

Oh, never mind, we got it.

Hey, Morgan. Will you give us a hand?

[all grunt]

Mr. Thompson: Whoo! Thanks, Buddy.

I got you.

[panting]

[sighs]

[whispers] What's up?

[sighs]

Um...

Hi.

Hey.

Okay.

Maddy: Hey, Morgan.

Hey, Maddy.

-You excited? -Yeah, get me out of here.

All right!

Who's ready for the O.C.N.?

Yeah!

-Oh, man. -What's up, my old phony?

Good to see you, Wings, as always.

How is everyone? Comfortable?

Cigars? Cigarettes? Hand stuff?

I don't know. I'm offering it all, people.

-Hey, guys. -Hey.

[imitates explosion, both imitating satellite beeping]

Ahem. Sorry, bro, just let me, uh, get in here real fast.

So, is it a rock-paper-scissors thing or...

Sorry, Maddy. It's top-secret.

Only the receptive shall receive.

That doesn't mean anything.

You don't mean anything.

[chuckling] I'm just kidding.

So, are you guys ready for California?

I hear they got beaches.

Muscle beaches.

I'm just looking forward to meeting

some California girls.

Not to mention the international beauties.

Are you planning to woo them

with your stupid friendship song?

Hey... you don't talk about the friendship song.

-Friendship song is iced shit. -Mm-hmm.

One day, you will tell me what it means.

You guys looking forward to the Music Exchange?

Hell, yeah.

What's that?

Mr. T explained it at rehearsal.

Oh? Yeah, I wasn't listening.

It's where we sit with an international band,

and we play each other's music.

-Ohh... -And...

you may not speak the same language...

-Uh-huh. -But you communicate

through eye contact.

-Uh-huh. -[laughs]

-And the sensual sound of song. -Yeah.

Maybe I'll get to share keys with a hot Brazilian,

accidentally touch hands.

[all laughing]

[grunting]

[both moaning]

Oh, my God, Morgan, look who it is.

[funk music]

Ugh! Gross, man.

Your-- Your retainer spit all over me.

Bet you wish that was your cheek slathered in saliva, don't you?

-Shut up. -I can go get you a sample.

You realize you don't stand a chance, right?

Unless you, I don't know, talked to her?

-[laughs] "Talked." -"Talked."

[both laughing] "To her"!

It's not that hard.

"Hi, my name is Morgan. I like books. What is female?"

-[forced laugh] -God.

Good morning, Richard.

Ready for your... first band trip?

Ohh, yes, sir. I'm looking forward to it.

Good. Good. You'll do... fine.

Now, I am obligated to ask you

because of some unsettling events

that have just come to light, heh--

Not with you! Not... here, of course.

Elsewhere.

The PTA asked me to ask that you--

not just you, all the faculty--

not, um...

and that is not to say that we think that you would...

We don't enjoy making people feel uncomfortable.

No. Not at all. Please.

Well, you know,

I hate to be so specific, but the PTA...

You know, they really demand directness

with this sort of thing.

Well, yeah, you have to be direct.

Mm, yes. Better to say something

than leave it unsaid.

So I'll say it.

The PTA has asked me to ask you

not to, uh, do anything,

you know... with the, uh...

You know.

-Oh, God. -I know! I know..

You would never do somethin' so heinous.

But they feel we should be blunt

when it comes to matters like this.

-Unsettling as they may be. -Of course.

And I appreciate your being so direct.

But let me be clear that I would never--

No doubt. No doubt.

We have the utmost confidence in you.

After all, you turned around the music department.

[chuckling]

Everyone loves you! The-- the parents,

the kids.

We just ask that you don't...

Of course. No. And thank you.

I just-- let me assure you that I would never--

No assurance needed. I assured you!

[chuckling]

It's just that California's a coastal state,

and many find it bewitching.

You understand.

[sighs] Yes. Yes.

Anyway, glad we could have this frank talk.

Yes! Me, too.

-You won't, uh... -No! Definitely not.

Pinky swear.

Good! Well, you...

better get a move on.

Have fun!

But not too much fun!

[forced laugh]

[sighs]

-Boo! -[screams]

[giggling] I got you.

Good one, Jessica! Please take your seat.

Okay. [giggles]

[sighs]

[clears throat]

[click, mic feedback]

[over speakers] Good morning, students!

All: Good morning, Mr. T.

-All right! Janice... -[drumsticks tapping]

[tapping softens]

To make sure that you're all here in this reality,

I shall now... take... the roll.

-Tony. -Here.

Congratulations. You exist.

-Wayne. -Here.

Congratulations. Wings.

-Yo! -Congrats.

Maddy. Good mornin'.

Uh, Jessica exists to torment me.

I love you!

Inappropriate. Morgan.

-Yes, very inappropriate! -Thank you!

Siblings, Kirk and Katie.

Kirk and Katie: Here!

Right. And Janice, as ever, is present.

And then there's....

Yes! I exist.

Uh, fortunately.

Jason, I hereby banish you

to the plane of nonexistence

until your musical skills are required.

[groaning and blubbing]

-Yvette. -[wolf whistle]

Good morning. And last but not least... me.

Thank you.

Joining us on our flight will be Mr. Darren,

the Red Baron.

[students cheer and applaud]

All right, does everybody have

everything they need for this trip?

Because once we hit the freeway,

there's no comin' back, that's it.

Anyone?

You guys excited?

Students: Yeah!

Let's kick some ass.

[all cheering]

[air brakes hiss]

-Woman: Bye, kids! -Man: Bye!

-Man 2: Call me! Call me! -[overlapping goodbyes]

Woman: Bye! Love you!

[upbeat music]

Wah, wah, wah!

[laughing]

[laughing]

[indistinct chatter]

[message alert chimes]

[message alert chimes]

Okay, kids, let's go! Let's go. Back on the bus.

Back on the bus. Let's ride.

Boy: But I didn't get to go potty.

[upbeat music continues]

[loud fart]

[students groaning]

-Girl 1: Who was that? -Girl 2: That was Jason.

-Girl 1: Jason! -Students: Jason!

Kirk: Go to the back, guys, man.

Girl 2: To the back of the bus, where it already stinks.

Girl 1: Farther. All the way.

Girl 2: Uggh! Pillow.

[motor revving]

[Wings snoring]

[snorts, snores]

[whispering] Sorry, I couldn't sleep.

Mind if I sit here?

Uh... [stammers] Uh, yeah.

No, go ahead.

What are you looking for?

-Huh? -Your book?

Oh! Yeah, it was-- it was at the gas station.

Um, it tells you places to visit

based on what you're... looking for.

What are you looking for?

Uh, I-I have-- I haven't traveled much.

[stammering]

I just got the book.

What-- What are you into?

Oh, you know, different stuff. Art, jazz... history.

Really? You? I--

I-I mean, me too.

Wh-What kind of history do you like?

Sexual history.

What?

You know, procreation,

our biological and cultural frameworks.

How they've changed over the millennia.

Evolution wouldn't work

if we weren't hardwired to enjoy sex.

So, pleasure is not only natural,

it's essential.

Isn't that neat?

Um... [stammering] Definitely, yeah.

[scoffs] Procreation is the best.

Uh, you must have... fun homework.

Can I sleep with you?

What?

The big doofus up there keeps falling on me.

Don't make me go back.

Oh, and your shoulder is so comfortable.

Uh... yeah. No problem.

Be mine... guest.

Thanks.

Your girlfriend won't mind?

What, Maddy?

Oh... no, we're not friends.

We're-- We're just friends.

Good. I wouldn't want to steal you from anyone.

Just borrow you.

Mmm. You smell nice.

You don't mind?

Um... what a-- what about your girlfriend?

Wings? Oh, we're not really together.

I'm not even sure if he likes me anymore.

What are you doing?

[whispering] Homework.

-Are you crazy? -Shh.

No one has to know.

We can do it quietly.

Just don't wake up...

-[gasping] -[gasps]

[panting]

[sighs]

-You okay? -Huh?

[sighs]

It was a-- a ba--

Muscle cramp.

[gasps]

[laughing]

Maddy: Muscle cramp, huh?

Well, only one way to fix that.

Don't... say it.

[giggling]

Don't say it.

[loud clatter, tires screeching]

[students shrieking]

-Boy: Yo... what-- -Girl: What was that?

Boy 2: What's going on?

[tires screeching]

Shit.

[engine dying]

It wasn't me.

[light jazz music]

I've been in worse.

Who wants to share a bed?

[door squeaks, closes]

Wings: All right, this one's mine.

You guys can have that thing.

[grunts]

Wanna sleep ass to mouth?

You mean head to toe?

-Yeah. -No.

It sucks, we should be at the ocean right now.

At least the water's clear. [sink sprays]

No hair in the shower.

Smells like ham sandwiches.

-Sheets are clean. -Yeah, but what is this?

-Is this blood? -Oh, my God.

I can't tell.

Why does it always look dark in these places?

Because sin lives in the shadows.

Hey, speaking of sin...

You ready?

-Yes. -Alright.

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

[phone beeps]

Holy shit.

[sighs] [chuckles]

I can't believe we're stranded here.

Yeah, I know, but on the bright side, no parents.

And Mr. Thompson barely counts as adult supervision.

I wonder if there's any food around here.

-Holy shit. -What?

Dude, Tony says the girls just invited them over for an orgy.

-No way. -Yeah, I know, but look.

Man, they're just messing with him.

He says they're serious.

No, then they're definitely messing with him.

Yeah, I guess. Girls are just so immature.

-Totally. -Boy: What are you looking at?

-Nothing. Nothing. -It's stupid.

-It's one of those 3D pics? -Mm...

[sighing] [grunting]

-You don't think... -That they'd actually...

-There's no way, right? -No, no way, of course not.

They're just messing with us, or them, messing with them.

[laughs]

-They're so gullible. -I know.

But not us. We're better than that. No way.

Mm-mm.

[sighs]

-Desk Clerk: Hi. -Hi, is there a liquor store nearby?

-Um... -Thompson: Liquor store?

What for?

Um... supplies, air freshener for...

Jason's gas problem.

Uh-huh. Come here for a second.

Hey, you know this is my first band trip, right?

-Yeah. -Yeah, it's not going that great.

So, uh, till the bus is fixed,

I kinda need to take us somewhere that's at least somewhat...

educational.

Can you help me pick one?

-Okay. -It's just that you're a good student.

I'm not a good teacher, and I'm a temporary one at that, so...

Till the band kicks off.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The band, the band.

Well, I can research these tonight and hook you up tomorrow.

Would you? Oh, Morgan, that would rock.

Thank you very much, I appreciate you.

Oh, one more thing.

Will you help me keep an eye on the others?

[sighs] Dude...

I know, nobody wants to be a narc, it's just that...

I'm all by myself out here.

Just keep an ear out, no one will know.

Besides, I'll know if anyone leaves their room after curfew.

-Really? -Yeah.

Just a little something my teacher did to our rooms back in the day.

'Course, we got around it.

Let's just say there was a sacrificial lamb

with political capital.

-I have no idea what that means. -Well, good!

Hey, it's our little secret, though, right, Mr. My Spy?

Right.

Is there a liquor store nearby?

[rock music plays]

[door opens and closes]

How'd you do?

Pretty good. We got a problem though.

What?

Mr. Th-- Oh, Jesus!

Mr. Thompson's gonna know if we leave.

Said he's gonna do something to the rooms.

-Like a booby trap? -I don't know.

-What should we do? -I mean, not much we can do.

This could be like the most important night of our lives.

So a little trouble might just be the price of admission.

I guess. Did you find out where it is?

Oh, yeah, I have a hunch.

Yeah? No!

Now we smell like twinsies, dude, come on!

-That is not a good thing, Jason. -Yes, it is!

[door knocks]

That's curfew, ladies. No going out, okay?

All: Okay, Mr. T!

-Don't stay up too late. -We won't!

[door knocks]

That's curfew. Goodnight, you two.

Goodnight.

[door knocks]

Curfew. Goodnight, gentlemen.

Goodnight, Mr. T! [yells]

[door knocks]

That's curfew. Goodnight, boys.

-Goodnight, Mr. T. -Goodnight.

Cutting it close.

Nothing fancy.

Got to keep it casual in case they open that door

and nothing's going on inside.

What do you guys want?

Nothing, just borrowing some sugar.

Well, there's no sugar here.

But there's plenty of honey.

[laughs] Where are you guys goin'?

-Nowhere. Nowhere. -Nowhere.

[whispering] Death is just a state of mind.

[whispering] True friendship won't be left behind.

[explosive noises, satellite noises]

Come on.

Nerds.

[sighs]

[whispering] Okay, come on.

-[Jason shrieks] -Jesus. Hey, guys.

-Shh. -Shh.

[whispering] Where are you going?

The girls are having an orgy.

-What? -Shh!

[whispering] Shut up.

You can't be serious.

It's probably nothing.

Where you going?

Bowling.

You're in trouble because Mr. T put paper in all the doors.

-Boobytrap. -That's right.

We can help seal you back in.

No, I wanna go.

What?

To the orgy. Where is it?

[laughing] Maddy, you jest.

No, I'm serious. It sounds interesting.

Hold on. I'll be right back.

Where are you going?

That's your job. Which way?

You're ditching Maddy? I thought you liked her.

I do, but we're just friends.

-So are we. -Yeah, but you invited me,

so I can't ditch you.

[knock on door]

[door creaks]

Hey.

You want something?

Uh...

Sugar?

Okay, who invited you?

Tony.

Tony, did you invite them?

-Ow! -Way to go.

Now it's a sausage fest.

Send them away.

Jessica: Sorry, boys.

Wait! You want Mr. Thompson to find out?

Why, you gonna narc on us?

No.

But this will.

What the hell is that?

Boobytrap.

Indeed.

But we have a solution.

What is it?

First... may we come in?

-It's chilly out here. -[shivers]

You wearing a wire?

I'm kidding. Come on, maybe you two can double up or something.

Hurry up.

[Wings blows raspberry]

So, how did you know?

Oh, uh, heh,

Tony didn't actually invite us,

but Morgan and I did some sleuthing or whatever...

I mean, about the boobytrap.

Oh...

-Mr. Thompson told me. -Wings: Well, hot damn.

Got ourselves a double agent.

I-- I wouldn't go that far.

Betraying his trust?

I like it.

So how do we get around it?

-[knock on door] -It's the Feds!

[dramatic music]

It's just Maddy.

Who invited you?

-Does it matter? -Wings: No.

We need more hot chicks anyways.

Wings: A bird in the hand is worth a few in the bush.

[door shuts]

I like your pajamas.

Katie: Thanks! I like yours, too.

You applied to USC, right?

-Astronomy and astrophysics. -Nice!

Arts and architecture.

Maddy: Cool!

So, Morgan, what should we do?

Huh? Oh.

I-I mean, it varies. [stammering]

You know, every orgy's different, you know?

I mean about the boobytrap.

[chuckling] Oh... heh...

Uh, we just need a sacrificial lamb with political capital.

What the hell's that mean?

Yeah, is that like a Bible quote or something?

Maddy: It means you need a fall guy,

someone who puts paper back in everyone's door,

except for theirs.

If they're on the teacher's good side,

they'll get off with a warning.

Sacrificial lamb with political capital.

What she said.

So... who's our lamb?

I'll do it. Mr. T likes me and Janice,

so we'll get off easy.

Okay, great. Can we do something now, please?

My fire's dying here.

We could play Truth or Dare.

[Maddy giggling]

What's so funny?

Uh, nothing. Nothing. I'm sorry.

It sounds so great.

It's juvenile.

No, it's fun. I used to play in middle school.

-Me, too. -Wings: Fine, fine.

Whatever gets Jessica's fire going.

Maddy, truth or dare?

Oh. Truth.

Lame. What base have you gotten to?

Second.

Uh... can you be a little more specific?

If you ask specific questions.

Nice. Who's next?

[upbeat music]

All right, Jessica. Truth or dare?

Dare.

Take your shirt off.

Jason. Truth or dare?

Uh... dare?

Kiss one of the boys.

[chuckling]

-What? -Wings: Yeah.

Are you trying to turn this into some kind of woke party or something?

Shh! It's my turn. I can do as I please.

Do it, Jason. I dare you.

Well, wh-who?

Hmm...

Kirk.

What? No way.

You've hardly done any dares.

Okay, how 'bout this.

If you two kiss...

then I'll kiss one of the girls.

Deal. You two, hurry up.

Mm.

-Maddy: Aww. -Jessica: Aww.

Wow... so brave.

So brave.

All right, restore balance to the Force.

Damn... girls are pretty.

Duh. Who's next?

Maddy. Truth or dare?

Dare.

I dare you to kiss Morgan.

Uh, would you mind picking something else?

W-What, are you a prude or something?

No, I just don't kiss unless it's serious.

-Prude. -It's fine.

Just pick something else.

Okay. How 'bout you pick two people

to go make out in that bathroom?

Don't even think about it.

Um, Wings and Yvette.

All right, come on. That's us, babe.

Katie: Oh! Get it, girl.

Aww, we don't get to see? Uhh.

[knock on door, Jason gasps]

The Feds!

[dramatic music]

-What the hell, man? -Code Blue.

Ow!

[yawning] Hello?

Can you explain the meaning of...

Oh. Oh, God. Uh...

I'm sorry.

Uh, I was just making my rounds, and...

-Were you all asleep? -Not all of us.

Ah. Yeah.

Uh, I'm sorry, I just...

Did you ladies open the door after curfew?

[sleepily] Did we?

Oh, yeah.

There was a cat.

A cat?

Yeah, it was meowing really loud,

so we had to... shoo it away.

It's so hard to sleep here.

Yeah, my neighbor snores like a Greek... god.

[yawning] Oh, my God.

That sounds terrible.

[Richard inhales sharply]

Do you wanna come in?

Wh-What?

Maybe we can help each other sleep somehow.

No! No... Thank you.

I just remembered that I have ear plugs,

s-so... thank you for your cooperation,

and good night.

Good night.

[all applaud]

[gentle music]

Wait. Maddy.

Let me tell you what, I should be the Lamb, not you.

Thanks, but, you know,

you haven't been in trouble yet.

Plus, you do have a record.

Yeah.

I'm sorry that I was a moron to you earlier.

I was...

I was just nervous, you know, having you there,

but... it made it fun.

You know, before I lock you guys in,

we can go bowling.

[gasps] Bowling!

I can't.

Mr. T asked me to research tourist traps for tomorrow.

Wow, he must be desperate.

He's teetering all right.

Good night, boys.

You're a queen among men!

[laughs]

[cars passing, honking]

All right, keep it moving! Keep it moving.

This looks good.

Awesome! Breakfast.

We got hash browns?

Hi, Maddie, Morgan.

You got the stuff?

What?

You know, the merchandise?

Oh, yeah.

It's cool. She's on our side.

Well, what's the quality? Good stuff?

Well, this ain't my usual territory.

But it'll do.

I wrote you some notes in there too so you should be

flying easy.

Thank you.

Mr. Thompson: Impressive.

As usual, it's been a pleasure doing business with you.

Oh, Maddy, did you or Janice leave your room last night after curfew?

I went out for some ice. Why?

Oh... no reason.

You know winking is bad, right?

Enjoy your meal.

[Maddy chuckles]

Okay, everybody.

If you exist, pay attention.

Janice?

While we're waiting for the bus,

I have something very special planned for us today.

But the competition starts today.

The judged performance is not until the afternoon,

so until then...

But meet-and-greet starts in 20 minutes,

so we'll definitely miss that.

Yes, but there's nothing we can do about that now.

So let's try to have some fun!

Like how?

Oh, you'll see.

After breakfast, we'll take some Ubers

to a super-secret sightseeing destination.

What is it?

It's a secret.

Which should be very interesting and educational.

Sounds lame.

Oh, I promise you it is not lame.

The Pennyfeather House--

Or the Pennyfeather Farmhouse,

as it was sometimes referred to--

was commissioned by famous doily pioneer

Fanny Mae Pennyfeather

in 1896,

and designed later that year

by architect Phineas T. Book III.

Now, because of a particularly harsh winter,

construction was delayed until the following year of...

1897.

Once the house was completed,

Mrs. Pennyfeather became quite the talk of the town,

because of her wonderful dinner parties,

orange grove soirees,

and her garden, where she grew

onions, turnips, and...

figs.

Now, before I release you on the neighborhood to explore for yourselves,

does anyone have any questions on the Pennyfeather House?

Uh, didn't Arthur Plowland--

"Plowland"--

uh, famous criminal, once come to town?

Uh... Yes. Yes!

He was a very famous cattle thief

who settled down here to sell cattle of his own.

Ah...

Yeah.

Uh...

Wasn't there a particularly harsh winter?

-No, you said that. -Ma'am,

didn't people back then shoot each other?

Uh, yup, I suppose they did.

Wasn't it also common that the townsfolk

would just totally slaughter each other?

Well,

this town outlawed firearms pretty early on,

so there aren't any shootings that we know about.

-What about pitchforks? -Don't think so.

Okay, uh, anyone else have any other questions?

-Is the bus fixed yet? -About the house.

No?

Okay, well, how about a round of applause

for the lovely... Stephanie.

Thank you, everyone.

If you have any further questions, I will be...

you know, here.

All right. Go, scram, explore!

Learn.

Mr. T, I was looking here,

and it seems like we're gonna be missing the music exchange next,

-and I thought maybe-- -Wayne. Wayne!

I'm expecting a call from the bus any second,

so why don't you go ahead and relax.

-Okay? -Do you have reception?

Yes, I have perfect service.

No, actually it's not that good.

But I'm gonna go find some, okay?

So why don't you go ahead and scram, learn.

Okay.

Excuse me.

[playful shouting]

Maddy: Wow, he does look desperate.

-Poor guy. -Hey, what are these, shakes?

Snack shack.

If we don't make our judge performance,

we'll have to forfeit.

Whatever. I just hope we don't have to stay

in that dump another night.

Why? You didn't like your kiss?

Well, if we are stranded again,

all that's left for tomorrow is the exhibition performance,

the awards, and the goodbye dance.

After that, the whole trip's a bust.

No fancy hotels,

no beaches.

It sucks.

And how many seats does it have?

Okay, you have anything smaller?

[scoffs] Okay, how much for the big one?

Per day?

Hey, teacher's pet?

Why don't you go get, uh,

Mr. T and Ranger Chick together?

Why?

Because it'll get us unsupervised tonight.

Go get 'em together.

Dude, look at him, he's freaking out!

Exactly, it'll cheer him up.

Plus, gets him out of our hair.

What am I supposed to say?

Oh, you guys are so pathetic.

Oh, hi there. Do you have a question?

Um, no, sorry.

Actually, I hope this isn't too forward or anything,

but I was just curious if you were single,

'cause Mr. Thompson is, so...

Oh, [chuckles] that is forward.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

Um, it's just that, you know, he's such a great guy,

and he's been really sad since he and his wife split,

so we've been trying to cheer him up,

as he's had such a big impact on all our lives.

Oh, wow. Really?

Yeah, he basically talked a bunch of us out of suicide.

Aww.

You know, your girlfriend's pretty cool.

We're just friends.

That's probably 'cause you don't talk to her.

Hello?

Hello?

Shit.

Hey! No climbing on the walls!

Oh!

Oh, jeez. Sorry. I'm just...

Man, man, I'm just kidding. Don't worry about it.

I'm sorry, you look busy. You busy?

-You're busy. -No. No, me?

No, just working out some...

transportation issues.

Say, you don't have a cheap way to get to the coast,

do you?

For all of you?

I don't know what to tell ya, man, it's a really rural town.

There's not a lot of options.

Are you trying to leave today,

or are you sticking around tonight?

Uh, I hope not.

It really depends if this stupid bus calls.

We're missing this big international competition thing.

Oh, when is it?

Now.

Now. We're missing it now.

Oh, bummer.

Oh, man, I would take you in my R.V.,

but it is tiny and full of junk.

Is it like a history competition?

No, band! [laughs]

Yeah, I'm in a--

they're in a jazz school band.

Oh, you're a band teacher.

Well, technically, but it's just a temp gig

until my band kicks off.

You know, my adult band.

Rad. That is so awesome.

You are so awesome.

So, if your stupid bus doesn't call,

we should, uh, go get a drink or something.

A drink with you?

Uh, wow. All right.

Yeah, that would-- drinks would be rad.

-Totally. -[laughs]

Uh, I should ask you for your number.

Oh, yeah, here, let me type it in for you.

[nervous laugh]

[camera shutter clicks]

So you don't forget me.

Oh, yeah. No, I won't. Never.

Well, good luck with your stupid bus.

Thanks. Fingers crossed.

-Yeah. -But not too crossed.

'Cause, uh, drinks.

-Drinks! -Drinks!

[laughs] Yeah.

-Yeah, thanks. -Yeah.

So, how did you get so good and hooking people up?

I don't know, I just introduce people

and it usually works out.

So, who would you introduce me to?

Who do you want?

I don't know.

[sniffs]

So, uh, how did you get into stargazing?

Well,

there was this guy.

Wait a minute. Hold on, hold on.

[laughs] I gotta hear this.

Okay.

-So, I was a Freshman, -Mm-hmm.

and he was a Sophomore,

and, like, we never really went to my place

because of my parents,

and his were always fighting.

So, we'd go wander around downtown,

or go hang out on the playground,

and we'd also lie there looking up at the stars.

And that's when I would imagine that we were married

and falling asleep in our own house.

Anyways, I-I've been looking up

ever-- ever since.

Hmm.

That's lovely.

You ever...

look up there and see a bunch of mythical creatures

all united, fighting against the forces of evil?

What are you talking about?

You know how you're always asking about

me and Jason's stupid handshake?

Mm-hmm.

Well, this is what it's from.

Oh, okay. Okay. Hold on.

-Okay, let's go. -Yeah.

-Okay, go. -Okay.

[sighs]

So, when I was growing up, there was this TV show

called The Intergalactic Friendship Alliance.

Wait, wait, wait. The cartoon show for kids?

Kids, nothing. No, this was ice cold adult storytelling.

A long time ago, there were all these mythic beings,

like dragons, unicorns, pegasi, right?

-Mm-hmm. -But they had to leave Earth

when mankind became too warlike.

So they scattered all throughout the universe

met all these aliens,

and formed the Intergalactic Friendship Alliance.

[laughs] That doesn't sound very adult.

Well, the Alliance is always sending out these invitations,

which are these, um,

pearlescent, glowing, magical orbs

called friendship pearls--

Friendship pearls?

That they fling across the universe,

hoping that they'll be found by other beings

worthy enough to join them.

-Okay. -Okay,

legend has it that Earth

has already received its friendship pearl,

but we haven't found it yet, because we're still not worthy.

So, someday,

someone who's receptive to its peaceful,

harmonious vibrations

will discover the pearl,

place their hand on it--

Whoosh!

Earth will finally be able to join

the Intergalactic Friendship Alliance,

redeeming all of mankind

and swearing to fight for peace, justice,

and understanding throughout the universe.

Wow, that is the geekiest thing I've ever heard.

Yeah.

But I kind of like how you tell it.

Anyway, our, uh,

our handshake is from the theme song.

And Jason and I

used to search the entire neighborhood

for the friendship pearl.

And the show's got rainbow-throwing dragon ponies,

which is actually pretty dope.

I've never seen anything like that in the stars,

but I'd like to. Maybe one day.

Well,

if we're still stuck here tonight,

maybe we could go "bowling"

for friendship pearls.

That sounds lovely.

There you guys are!

Come on, we're leaving.

Where?

[cars passing, horns honking]

[rhythmic tapping]

-What about tomorrow? -Doesn't look good, guys.

Bus is in bad shape.

I'm sorry.

They can't send a replacement?

Everything's booked.

They said they'd call if something opens up.

Would it help if we used our phones

to research taxis

or other forms of public transportation?

Thanks, but we can barely afford to stay here.

[sighs] Look guys, I'm sorry,

I've tried everything.

The only thing we can really do now

is just hang out.

Try to make the best of it, okay?

We could call our parents and ask them to donate money

for Ubers or taxis,

-then tomorrow we could-- -Wayne--Wayne!

We don't have time.

Look, I'm sorry,

I'm as bummed as you guys are, okay?

But I've experienced a lot of frustration in my life,

and I'm telling you, it's all about how you react.

Janice, will you stop drumming for one goddamn second?

[sighs]

You guys should practice not giving a shit.

'Cause sometimes life is shitty.

And sometimes the only thing you can do

is pull on your big boy pants and cope.

So we're here, we exist here.

So deal with it.

It's like... you're quitting on us.

I'm not quitting on you, I--

Look, just hang out here tonight.

When the bus is fixed, we'll go home.

[deep sigh]

If anyone needs me, I'll be in my room,

not quitting on you.

When's curfew?

[cars whizzing past]

Hey, Morgan.

Hey.

Pretty lousy night, huh?

Yeah.

I was really looking forward to the music exchange,

the dance.

You dance?

Uh, like,

geeky dancing

to be funny.

Oh, cool.

[Morgan exhales sharply]

So, uh, where is everyone?

You mean Wings?

No. I...

We got in a fight.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, we've never been super official.

That's why he's always kind of done whatever he wants.

But these last few days on this trip,

he's just been acting so much more

I don't know...

Douchey?

[chuckles] Yeah.

More than usual.

He's been trying to get this second party going.

He wants it to be hot or something.

I don't know.

It's just too much right now.

Yeah.

Sometimes you just wanna chill.

So, are you coming in,

or..?

[nervous laugh]

I-I don't even have my swimsuit.

That's okay.

Uh...

Underwear is basically a swimsuit, right?

[giggles]

You did it!

-I did it! -[laughs]

You know, I can't picture you dancing like a geek.

No?

No, you're always acting so serious,

all the time.

Really?

Huh.

I guess I have funny ideas. I just don't...

let them out.

You should! Tell me a joke.

[laughs]

No, I-I can't do that.

Okay, uh, show me your moves.

That's even worse!

Come on! Okay, I'll do it with you.

-Really? -Really.

Okay, uh...

-On three? -On three.

-Okay. -One...

-Two. -Two.

-Three. -Three.

[laughing]

See, you should let your geek out more often.

Yeah, right.

You think so?

Definitely.

Hey, look, it's Maddy.

[knocking]

Is she... looking for you?

I don't know. Maybe.

You know, I always thought Maddy was super serious too.

But she's actually pretty cool.

You ever thought about asking her out?

No, we're just friends.

Mm-hmm.

[gate clangs]

Hey, uh, I was thinking about going stargazing.

You guys wanna come?

Ooh, stargazing!

You ever seen the show Cosmos?

Yeah! It's amazing.

Um... anyway...

I was hoping to spot a friendship pearl.

What's a friendship pearl?

It's a kind of meteor. They're quite rare.

Oh, cool.

I think I'm just gonna hang here tonight. Thanks, though.

Oh, no worries. Morgan, do you wanna come?

Uh...

yeah, that sounds fun.

Yvette?!

What?

Come up here! We're getting started!

No thanks, I'm just gonna chill here.

Come on! I'm not gonna have any fun without you.

Please?!

Man: Hey! Some of us are trying to sleep!

Shut up, dude, nobody's talking to you.

Man: You little punks got no respect.

Come up here if you want some respect!

Yvette, come on! Seriously, get up here.

Well, I guess I'll be seeing ya.

Unless you guys wanna come with?

Maddie, you made it so fun last time.

Thanks, but I'm okay.

Have fun though.

Okay, sounds good. See you.

I'll go.

Yeah?

Okay, see you up there.

[sighs]

[gate clangs shut]

I'm sorry, I-

Can we just go another time?

[sighs]

Okay.

It's-- It's not that I don't want to,

It's just, like...

I just want to be around more people right now.

You know?

You can-- You can come too.

That stuff's not for me.

You can go, though. I'll be fine.

It's not like I don't like you.

I know.

I just...

I don't want to miss out.

But you'll have other opportunities.

Yeah, but not right now.

Well...

you better get going then.

[sighs]

[knocking]

Hey!

What's up, teacher's pet?

Where's your girlfriend?

No, no, no, no. We're already uneven.

It's okay, I invited him.

I say what's okay.

Now, vamoose.

Oh, there she is.

All right, come on.

[whispers] What are you doing?

You're not ready for this stuff.

[whispers] Neither are you.

So, what did we miss?

Not much.

As you can see.

You guys wanna play truth or dare again?

-That was fun. -No.

Enough kid stuff.

Tonight is the real deal.

So how about it, prude?

You in a kissing mood tonight?

Guess we'll see.

Well, guess again.

If you don't kiss, you don't stay.

So, who's it gonna be?

Close enough. All right, who else?

Actually, you two save that for later

so I don't have to see it.

Wings, this is dumb.

Y'all are making it dumb.

Why am I the only one coming up with stuff?

Somebody do something.

Touché.

[kissing noises]

Why is everybody just sitting there?

Either do something or get out.

[door opens]

[door closes]

Hey, Yvette,

Maddie looks a little nervous.

Maybe help her out.

I don't think she wants to.

Fine.

Let her sit there and stare like a weirdo.

Leave her alone.

[door opens, closes]

[scoffs] Bunch of downers, man.

Y'all do what you want.

Come on.

[sharp exhale]

By the way,

she likes it when you touch her neck.

[sighs]

[door closes]

[rhythmic drumming]

[door opens]

[door closes]

I think I messed up.

She'll be okay.

Just give her time.

It'll be all right.

I don't know.

It will be.

Eventually.

You'll see.

Wings: What's up, love nerds?

Y'all taking a breather?

Us too.

All right, well we're gonna go get some drinks,

but, uh, we'll smell you later.

[wistful music]

[Yvette chuckles softly]

-Oh. -[Yvette giggles]

[Yvette chuckles]

Sorry.

Don't be. Always so serious.

[beeping, door handle rattles]

Hey! What's up, love nerds?

Oh. Oh, no.

I didn't...

May I come in?

Hey, good job, teacher's pet.

Good job.

Come on, man.

I'm not gonna hit you.

I'm happy for you.

[chuckles softly]

She's pretty good, right?

[chuckles]

All right, well, if you'll excuse me...

I think I've had a little too much...

-to drink! -[bathroom door shuts]

[muffled] Whoo!

[Wings mutters indistinctly]

I won't tell anyone.

Wings: Hey! Did you guys have fun tonight?

You look really cute.

Morgan, I believe it. Ha!

I think I should go.

[chuckles] Definitely.

[Wings continues muttering incoherently]

Wings: Hey...

Wings: I'll be through. [continues indistinctly]

[door opens and shuts]

Wings: Can somebody come hold my hair?

[gunfire on TV]

[door shuts]

Hey, there he is.

What's up, man? Where you been?

I'm just kidding. I know where you've been.

[laughs] So... how was it? Tell me everything.

You know, I'd rather not.

Seriously?

Okay, fine, I don't really need the details right now,

but just the facts.

Okay, blink once for yes, twice for no.

-Man... -Yes or no?

-Are you a man now? -No!

Okay. I gotcha, I gotcha.

But on the downlow, are you?

I said I don't want to talk about it, all right?!

Okay, sorry.

It's just kind of just been a big deal for you lately.

What?

What has?

You're a virgin, man.

Yeah, so are you!

Yeah. But I told you that.

You never tell me anything.

You know what, Jason? Why don't you just grow up!

You know what? Fine.

You don't need to tell me anything anymore.

It's written all over your shitty attitude.

[door shuts]

Wayne: They totally did it.

[crickets chirping]

-Hey, Mr. T. -Oh! Jesus.

Maddy!

[chuckles]

You scared me.

I'm sorry.

What's wrong?

How can you tell if...

what you want is the right thing?

Hmm...

That's tricky.

You know...

I have a son.

And... I try to teach my boy that...

whatever he's feeling is okay.

'Cause a feeling can't be wrong till it becomes an action.

Guess that doesn't help you know if it's right or wrong.

Maybe if something feels right and it doesn't hurt anyone?

That's what we go for.

Just... keep trying

and see how far that right feeling takes us.

[near tears] Then... I think I'm wrong.

[sniffles]

Richard: Hello?

Hey. Yes, it's Daddy.

How are you? How's my boy?

You havin' fun with Mommy?

Boy: Yeah.

Yeah? What have you been doing?

Games.

The sprinkler.

We made sandwiches.

You made sandwiches?

What kind of sandwiches?

Peanut butter and jelly.

Ooh, that's my favorite.

Maybe you can make me one when I come see you.

I miss you. You miss me?

Yeah.

I miss you, Daddy.

Yeah.

Me too, buddy.

But I'll come see you when I get back.

Pinky swear.

Woman: Okay, baby. It's time to go to bed.

Your dad needs to bug out.

I look forward to that sandwich.

Okay?

Okay.

Woman: Say good night to Daddy.

Boy: Good night, Daddy.

Good night, son.

Love you.

Love you.

[phone line beeps]

[sighs]

[scoffs]

[blows raspberry]

[phone vibrating]

[phone continues vibrating]

[sighs]

[somber music]

[loud buzzing, jackhammer pounding]

[sighs]

Hey, idiot, what are you doing?

Come on, we're leaving.

Man, I don't wanna go home.

Not home, dude, to the competition-- let's go!

But we missed the competition.

Yeah, but if we hurry, we can still make

the good-bye dance. Come on.

Richard: Take only what you need for the dance.

Toss everything else out

and combine everything into as few suitcases as possible.

Let's go! Let's go, go, go, go, go, go!

Don't throw away your instruments!

Morgan, where's your stuff?

I-It's, uh...

Well, go get it! You're gonna be late for the ball!

Come on, Cinderella! Spit-spot!

[dramatic music]

[Richard grunting]

[Richard muttering]

[panting]

Okay, is that everything?

Students: Yeah. Yeah.

[sighs] Let's kick some ass.

[students cheering]

Richard: Yeah! Hey, bro!

-[tires screech] -Whoo!

[students cheering]

[van blares horn]

Jason: Hey, doesn't-- doesn't this thing go any faster?

This is the vehicle's top speed!

-Holy shit! -[students chattering]

Now we're never gonna ever get there!

Do we exist?!

Students: Yes!

What do we do when existence is shit?!

Students: Deal with it!

-Yeah! -[students cheer]

-[loud fart] -Jessica: Jason!

Jason, again?

[triumphant music]

[tires screech]

[whispers] Ah, shit.

[indistinct chatter]

Yvette: We're here.

Richard: No time, no time! Everybody get inside and change, hurry!

Jessica: Come on, let's go.

Come on, come on, come on, let's go!

[panting] Hey. Do you have self-parking?

[dramatic music]

Katie: It's so beautiful.

Jason: Where do we go?

Jessica: There's reception.

No time to check in! To the dance!

-To the dance. -Jessica: The dance is in Ballroom 4.

-I can hear the music. -Katie: It started already.

Oh. Bathrooms! Bathrooms!

-Katie: Move, move, move. -Wings: Hurry up.

Jason: Come on, come on.

[indistinct chatter]

Could I borrow some of that?

Thanks.

Hey, Kirk, you got my Spanx?

Kirk: Uh, looking.

Jason: Hey, Katie, whose is bigger, mine or Tony's?

-Thank you. -How 'bout from the side?

Come on, come on. Suitcases.

-Suitcases. Suitcases. -Badges, badges, badges!

-Suitcases! Looking good. -Badges, badges, badges!

-There you go. -I love your dress! Suitcases.

-Your shoe's untied! -There you go.

[upbeat funk music]

Yeah.

Boy: Ohh. Yeah!

[muffled funk music]

Morgan. What the hell are you doing, man?

Get your threads on. Come on, let's go boogie, heh.

I threw my clothes out.

Okay, well, at least you'll look as good as you dance.

Let's at least fix that bedhead.

I'm not goin' in there.

[sighs]

I just came to catch the bus.

Dude, I don't care what you look like,

but you're gonna dance with me.

What about Maddy?

You realize you two are perfect for each other, right?

[scoffs]

[scoffs] Okay, fine.

Go be sad.

I'll grow up tomorrow.

[electronic music]

Oh, oh, Jason! Badges.

Oh.

[girls whooping]

[sighs]

[muffled music]

Are you the band that didn't show up

for any of your performances?

That's us.

Everyone's calling you The Forfeiteers.

'Cause you... forfeit.

"Forfeiteers."

You know, I like that.

Is it true you came here in a Winnebago?

Is it true that all Australians ride to school on kangaroos?

Is it true that all Americans wear body armor to school?

Yeah, but... it only stops small arms fire.

Thought not.

Yeah, but I just got you to touch my pec.

[both giggle]

Um... g'day me a minute?

[Australian accent] Good evening, Madam Maddy.

[crowd whooping]

Get your back up off the wall?

[crowd chattering and whooping]

Look...

Morgan, he's just going through some stuff right now.

I'm sure if you went and talked to him--

I'm done trying to help him.

If he wants something, he can say so.

[muffled music]

[Jessica speaking indistinctly]

Wings: It looks really good on you.

Oh, thanks.

Wings: Hey, teacher's pet! What's up, man?

Hey, what's wrong?

Somethin' botherin' you?

Is it girl trouble?

Which one is it? Is it... prude?

Or Yvette? Because I'm confused.

Hey!

Don't worry. I'm not mad.

I know Yvette didn't leave me for you.

In fact, I'm feelin' so generous,

I'll even help you get with her.

I don't need your help.

Hey, the only reason that you

even have a chance now is because of me.

'Cause you're an asshole.

Be careful.

There's a lady.

All right? I can tell that you're a little grumpy...

so let's just pick this up later.

Oh, and, uh, if Mr. T comes looking for us,

make up an excuse, would you?

Make your own.

I'm sorry.

I thought I heard a squeak.

I'm not the teacher's pet.

And I'm not yours.

Neither is Yvette.

What's with you, man?

It's not enough that you have to steal Yvette,

but you're gonna embarrass me in front of this one, too?

No. That's all you.

Jessica: Wings, it's fine. Let's just go.

No, I'll decide when it's fine.

Yeah! You decide.

You decide for everybody, don't you?

But not me.

And not my friends.

So why don't you just leave us alone?

Make me.

Morgan, stop! Stop!

Stop it! You guys...

-[music pounding] -Girl: Oh, yeah! Part-ay!

Jason!

Morgan's in trouble!

Jason: Morgan!

What the hell are you doing?

I'm sick of it, man. I'm sick of his shit.

Yeah, totally, but you're about to get a whole lot more of it.

Do you even know how to fight?

Nope. Got any pointers?

Uh, stick your head in the sand?

Jessica: You don't have to do this. Let's go inside.

Dude, please don't do this.

No, man. I'm done being a bitch.

Take your shot, teacher's--

Uhh!

Not bad.

Uhh!

Oof!

[Morgan grunting]

Hey, man, get off of him!

Uhh!

[blows landing, Morgan grunting]

-Morgan! -Richard: Stop!

Hey, what's up, Mr. T?

You are! Your time, it's up!

One more misstep, and I file a police report.

I shit you not. Get inside.

You're the boss.

-Richard: Whoa! -Wings: Nice hit.

You did better than I thought you would.

Get out of here.

-Oh! -Oh, uh--

Okay, okay.

[sighs] Okay.

Go in. Go inside.

Jessica: Mm-hmm.

Hey.

Hey, man, are you okay?

I'm fine.

Okay.

I am, too, just in case you were wondering.

[slight snickers]

Listen, I know you're literally in a lot of pain right now,

but if this whole thing is somehow about Maddy,

I'm sure you can still patch things up

if you just go and talk with her.

I'm sick of everybody telling me what to do.

So, please, leave me alone.

[crying softly]

Richard: Hey, buddy.

How's your night going?

Uh-huh. Let's get you some ice.

Am I in trouble?

What?

We both fought.

Why is he in trouble...

and not me?

Do you wanna be in trouble?

Dance is dying down, but... there's still a few people,

if you wanna...

[waves crashing]

[bag crinkles]

[Maddy sighs]

Do you see any friendship pearls?

No.

I don't even know how to apologize.

To you.

To Jason.

You were just trying to look out for me.

And I messed us all up.

I'm so sorry.

Well...

that's a start.

I'm sorry.

[stammering] You know I don't unless it's serious.

[sighs]

And you're really not ready for that, either.

Just in case you feel like shaking it off.

[dramatic music]

[distant fog horn]

Richard: You want my advice?

Don't take my advice.

Actually, I thought your advice was pretty good.

Thanks.

What was it?

Uh, something about not quitting.

Hmm.

I hope you decide to stay a teacher, Mr. T.

You're a good one.

[soft chuckle]

[distant jingling]

[shimmering sound]

[dramatic music]

[grunting]

[panting]

[dramatic music]

[grunting]

[groaning]

[panting]

[angelic choral music, faint techno beat]

[choir fades, beat continues]

[beat stops]

[footsteps echoing]

[electronic dance music begins]

[techno beat]

♪ Offering a friendship pearl ♪

♪ An invitation from the Alliance ♪

♪ The friendship pearls are the magic orbs ♪

♪ That will bring us all together ♪

♪ Across the universe ♪

♪♪

♪ Offering a friendship pearl ♪

♪ The friendship pearls are the magic orbs ♪

♪ That will bring us all together ♪

♪ The friendship pearls are the magic orbs ♪

♪ That will bring us all together ♪

♪ The friendship pearls are the magic orbs ♪

♪ That will bring us all together ♪

♪ Across the universe ♪

♪ Across the universe ♪

[kids cheering and hooting]

Whoo!

Girl: This is nice!

Yeah!

[squeals]

All [chanting]: Morgan! Morgan! Morgan! Morgan!

Morgan! Morgan! Morgan! Morgan!

Morgan! Morgan! Morgan! Morgan!

Morgan! Morgan! Morgan...

♪ The friendship pearls are the magic orbs ♪

♪ That will bring us all together ♪

♪ The friendship pearls are the magic orbs ♪

♪ That will bring us all together ♪

♪ Across the universe ♪

♪ Across the universe ♪

[birds chirping]

Jason: I'm gonna miss you so much, I swear to God.

I think I'm falling in love with you.

-I already know. -That was the most...

All right, you tender lumplings.

-Please watch him. -No, come on, Mr. T.

-Goodbye, my love! -Goodbye!

[kids chatting softly]

Hey, Maddy.

[kids snoring softly]

Wayne: Hey, Mr. T, you ready to quit yet?

Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?

Woman: Where's your suitcase?

Mr. T told us to throw it away.

It was just a suggestion!

What happened to your eye?

I love you, Mom.

I love you, too.

Where's your suitcase?

[piano playing softly in distance]

♪♪

[strikes wrong key, stops playing]

[soft music playing, guests chatting]

-Hey. -Hey.

Sorry they're not milkshakes.

He seems nice.

He is.

Just not a great kisser.

Practice makes perfect.

Yep.

You two going to prom?

Yeah. And you're going with...

Jason.

We got matching suits.

Of course you did.

Last time we were at a jacuzzi together,

you tried to help me.

I'm working on it.

But I still mess up sometimes.

Maybe the lesson is

sometimes we mess up.

But not you, right?

No, not me. I'm the only exception.

[chuckles]

But I could've sworn I heard you, uh--

-You made me mess up. -[chuckles]

Whatever. That was probably your first mistake ever.

No. I've messed up.

I've messed up.

I'm sorry I tried to stop you that time.

That was a jerk move.

Don't be sorry.

You were just being my friend.

I miss that.

Maybe we could... try again?

Friends with you?

I don't know.

I was hoping for a nice and peaceful summer.

How about a trial run until August?

July.

'Cause I'm moving in August, so...

Oh, yeah, USC. I heard. Congrats.

Thanks.

You too.

Maybe since you're in Arizona, and it's close,

I'll let you visit some time.

Guess we'll see.

Nice night to go bowling.

Yeah.

Too bad I threw away my telescope, though.

I have one. Here.

Oh. [chuckles]

One of those invisible ones.

It has really good optics.

[exhales deeply] Let's see.

Yeah, it's pretty nice.

Oh! I think I see a few mythical beings up there.

Are they waving at us?

Yeah, they are.

That's 'cause I accepted their friendship pearl.

-Wait, really? -Yeah.

-Huh. -Redeemed the whole planet.

It was just lying there on the beach.

Maddy: Huh. What are the odds?

Morgan: What are the odds?

[big band music]

Captioned by Post Haste Digital