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[conductor tapping on music stand]

[orchestra playing dramatic music]

- He's a swell guy.

[laughing]

- Overture's started. Three minutes, kids.

Let's get ready.

- [Everybody] Okay, last one.

- Is Virginia here?

- No, she's not.

- It's a good thing she's a friend of the producer's.

- And has a rich father.

- Hey, what are you doing here?

[shouting]

- You hot dog.

- Aw. For goodness' sake.

- Overture's started, Miss Kitt, three minutes.

- Miss Ghostley, three minutes.

- Miss Caroll, three minutes.

Not now. Let's go, people. Speed up.

- Look out, mister.

[knocking]

- Mr. Clary, Mr. Clary.

- I'm down here, Ron.

- Three minutes.

- Okay.

- Have you seen Coocoo?

- No, she isn't here yet.

- Oh, here she comes, move.

- Coocoo darling, where have you been?

Brian's been looking all over for you.

- Coocoo, do you have it?

- Only half.

- Oh, how dumb can you get?

- Hey, hey, any more of that,

and you'll have me to deal with.

- My dear Miss Virginia De Luce Clayborn.

The man's here, he wants his money.

You promised me and I promised him he'd have it,

all of it before curtain time.

- But daddy just won't until he sees what I do in the show.

- You see? I told you to give her

something more important to do.

- You gave your solemn oath.

You said a true Texan never breaks his word, remember?

- But daddy changed his mind.

There's nothing I can do, Ronny.

- Places, everyone.

- Gee whiz, I've just got to get dressed.

- Oh, all right.

- [Stage Manager] Places everyone.

- Here, take this.

Give it to that man over there.

I've got to hurry.

- But what should I tell him?

- Stall him, I'm going to have the rest of it in an hour.

- But Ronny I...

[comical music]

Why me?

- Monsieur, this way please.

I have something for you.

- [Stage Manager] Everybody on stage.

- This way, please.

- Curtain Mr. Clary, curtain.

[knocking]

- Hurry, Clary.

[dramatic music]

♪ You've never seen us before

♪ We've never seen you before

♪ What a pleasant place to finally meet. ♪

♪ So much better than that old busy street. ♪

♪ We vocally take your hand

♪ And vocally shake your hand

♪ And ask you to be part of this hullaballoo ♪

♪ As our equivalent to how do you do? ♪

♪ How do you do Mr. Orchestra?

♪ How do you do, Mrs. Mezzanine? ♪

♪ How do you do Lord and Lady Balcony? ♪

♪ You're the welcomest sight we've ever seen ♪

♪ We say it again

♪ Encore

♪ You've never seen us before

♪ But we hope before our musical ends ♪

♪ That New Faces and you

♪ will be good friends

[C'est Si Bon sung by Eartha Kitt]

[singing in foreign language]

♪ Ah, Cadillac car, mink coats. ♪

[singing in foreign language]

[whimsical music]

♪ He takes me off his income tax ♪

♪ So when he buys me Cadillac's ♪

♪ The FBI won't watch his movements ♪

♪ He writes me off as property improvements ♪

♪ He takes me off his-

- Stop.

- Now?

- [Ronny] Now.

- All right. [clearing throat]

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

We are about to present a new television panel program.

We now take you to Washington DC.

[giggling]

[whimsical music]

♪ He takes me off his income tax. ♪

- [Announcer On TV] It's time for "Meet the Senate".

Each week at this time an ordinary American citizen

meets two members of the Senate.

Nothing official,

just a friendly investigation.

- Good evening, folks.

And welcome to "Meet the Senate".

I am your genial moderator,

District Attorney, Otto Holley.

Our distinguished panel this evening

consists of Senator Harold Marble, Republican of Vermont,

and Senator Eli Hutchinson, Democrat of Missouri.

Tonight we are going to investigate the effect of jazz music

on the young people of America.

Our guest witness is the musician

who specializes in a branch of jazz known as Bop.

It promises to be exciting session.

Officer, would you bring on the witness?

- Mr. Daz Rocco.

[exciting jazz music]

- Freeze Gates.

What's the story?

- You are Mr. Daz Rocco?

- Who else, man? My card.

I can't stand nothing square.

- Yes, this is Senator Hutchinson, Senator Marvel

and I am the moderator for the panel, Otto Holley.

- Skin, man. Mop!

- Raise your right hand.

Just the right hand.

Do you swear the testimony you're about to give

is the truth, the whole truth

and nothing but the truth, so help you?

- Where'd you get them crazy lyrics?

- Mr. Rocco, it's come to our attention

that you as musician and band leader,

exerted tremendous influence

among certain large segments of American youth.

They consider you a tangible manifestation

of a superior temperament.

- Oh, I wouldn't say that.

Man, I couldn't say that.

But let's stop goofing.

I'm here to help you investigate and catch [screeching].

I know just how you feel, Jim.

- Mr. Rocco, this panel is invested in finding out

something about the nature of your work.

You are an orchestra leader, are you not?

- Mean, do I front a combo?

Yeah, man.

- In other words your work is comparable

to that of say, Mr. Guy Lombardo?

- God damn it, I won't take that

even from the government.

- Please, Mr. Rocco, be seated.

- Don't touch the suit man,

you'll make the colors run.

[chuckling]

- Now could you tell us where you and your combo

are currently employed?

- Oh, it ain't no secret, Jim.

We make it every night at Boobie's Bob Hatch.

- Just where is this establishment located?

- On 52nd street.

I don't know the exact address,

but it's the only building in the block that moves.

- Do they serve liquor on the premises?

- You mean groove juice?

They certainly do.

Man, every night about 12 o'clock

that joint is the groove juicy.

- In other words if one of your teenage fans

wanted to see you he'd have to come to this nightclub

where intoxicating beverages are sold?

- Oh no, they don't serve no juice to the kids.

We do a special session for the Junior Jazz click

starts at four o'clock every Sunday afternoon.

- And when does it finish?

- Thursday.

- You mean you stay awake for four days?

- Doesn't everybody?

Man, it's easy if you know the magic word.

- What magic word?

- Benzedrine.

- That's just plain crazy.

- It's the craziest.

- But who looks after your little boys?

- I do, man.

Why every morning I give them a nice breakfast.

Hot avocado seed soup,

and a cold glass of Maltese milk--

- You mean malted milk, don't you?

- No, Maltese. It's cat's milk.

It's awful hard to get though.

You've got to use a very low stool.

You dig?

Now after that I give a little Daz his music lesson.

Man, that kid's going to be a great musician.

He don't know what a melody is.

What's his story?

- Go on, Mr. Rocco.

- Well come 10 o'clock it's time to go to work.

So I pick up my horn,

which has got a special de-nicotine filter in the mouthpiece

so as you can blow and smoke at the same time.

And I cut out for the Bob Hat.

Man moves man and them cats are screaming for me.

I get up on the stand,

put out my hand, kick off the band.

Then I pick up the horn, and I blow.

And the cats line up in a row.

And I follow wherever I go.

Go.

Go.

[upbeat jazz music]

- Senator. Senator, where's the rest of the committee?

- They're gone, man. Real gone.

[Lucky Pierre sung by Robert Clary, Carol Lawrence,

Virginia Wilson, Patricia Hammerlee and Bill Mullikin]

♪ We're awaiting the arrival of a brand new face of France ♪

♪ A figure of romance

♪ Who has us in a trance

♪ We hope that you'll be pleased to see us ♪

♪ Waving by the door

♪ To see us waiting for

♪ The man whom we adore

♪ His shadow comes in view

♪ Our senses start to reel

♪ Voila and sacre bleu

♪ Here is our ideal

♪ Bonsoir, bonsoir

♪ I'm sorry that I'm late

♪ But I've been signing autographs ♪

♪ Since quarter after late

[singing in foreign language]

♪ In case you don't speak French ♪

♪ It simply means that I love you. ♪

♪ I love you all

[singing in foreign language]

♪ If I was tall I'd love you more ♪

♪ But since I'm not accept me as I am ♪

♪ And who can touch a mademoiselle ♪

♪ You may be my madam

- Call me madam.

♪ Pardon me, monsieur.

♪ I'm from the Morning Star.

♪ It's evident that you're a man of fame ♪

♪ It's also very clear

♪ I should know who you are

♪ But somehow I just can't recall your name ♪

- What? You don't know who I am?

- What? You don't know who he is?

- No. Who is he?

- Shall I tell him?

- Yes!

♪ I'm the man of the hour

♪ I'm the man of the year

♪ I'm the fellow who is known from here ♪

♪ To here, to here, to here

♪ I'm the meaning of debonair

♪ Who am I? I'm Lucky Pierre

♪ I am the man of the century

♪ The man of the age

♪ Why, my name will be in history ♪

♪ On every single bench

♪ I'm the man who is always there ♪

♪ Who am I? I'm Lucky Pierre

♪ I'm the boy mais oui oui

♪ What a joy to be me

♪ If you think that I'm bragging ♪

♪ If you think that I boast

♪ Just be quiet and you'll hear them ♪

♪ Shout my name from coast to coast ♪

♪ And the air could resound in the air ♪

♪ Let's prepare for Lucky Pierre ♪

♪ No he's not very handsome

♪ And he's not very strong

♪ In a cabin in a blizzard

♪ He's the one you bring along

♪ He's a kick in a maiden's prayer ♪

♪ Who is he? He's Lucky Pierre

♪ From the banks of the Hudson

♪ To the banks of the Nile

♪ Just repeat my name and voila ♪

♪ You'll be serviced with a smile ♪

♪ From Trafalgar to Herald Square ♪

♪ Like a bare wheel Lucky Pierre ♪

- Pierre!

Pierre!

♪ He's the bee

♪ We're the flower

♪ Busy bee

♪ Lucky flower

♪ I'm the man of the hour

♪ I'm the man of the year.

♪ I am the man that every living husband ♪

♪ Has the right to fear.

♪ In the [singing in foreign language] ♪

Yes, I am.

Where she is, there I am.

[sings in foreign language]

♪ Who am I?

♪ I'm Lucky Pierre

[Penny Candy sung by June Carroll and Company]

♪ Life has been kind to me

♪ I've riches enough to buy

♪ Whatever catches my eye

♪ But nothing catches my eye

♪ My appetite has faded

♪ Alas, the lady's jaded

♪ When I was a little girl, poor and plain ♪

♪ All I asked of life

♪ Was in this refrain

♪ Penny candy

♪ Candy for a penny

♪ I wish I could still get a kick ♪

♪ From a penny peppermint stick ♪

♪ Or an indigestible gummy hat

♪ That stuck to my teeth and made me fat ♪

♪ Penny candy

♪ Candy for a penny

♪ I wish I could bounce a red ball ♪

♪ On the brick of a tenement wall ♪

♪ And never ask for more at all, at all ♪

♪ Candy, candy

♪ The candy store I could never pass ♪

♪ Without pressing my nose against the glass ♪

♪ Candy, candy

♪ And oh how I'd sigh on that collapse ♪

♪ For a doll made of sweet chewing wax ♪

♪ Penny candy

♪ Candy for a penny

♪ I ask for more than a penny now ♪

♪ I've grown very wise, you see ♪

♪ But I wish that a sweet

♪ Were still fun to eat

♪ Now a penny's a memory

♪ Penny candy

♪ Candy for a penny

♪ I wish I could still get a kick ♪

♪ From a penny peppermint stick ♪

♪ Or an indigestible gummy hat

♪ that stuck to my teeth and made me fat ♪

♪ Penny candy

♪ Candy for a penny

♪ I wish I could bounce a red ball ♪

♪ On the brick of a tenement wall ♪

♪ And never ask for more at all, at all. ♪

♪ Candy, candy

♪ The candy store I could never pass ♪

♪ without pressing my nose against the glass ♪

♪ Penny candy

♪ Candy for a penny

♪ I ask for more than a penny now ♪

♪ I've grown very wise, you see ♪

♪ But I wish that a sweet

♪ Were still fun to eat

♪ By June, by June.

- Gee, you've got your old lady's perfume on?

- Gussy, hey, Gussy, We've got two cents left.

Shall we get a jawbreaker or a licorice whip?

- Well if we get the licorice whips,

we can each have one.

- [Other children] How about us?

- And besides, the jawbreakers cost two cents each.

- Well, we can call dibs on it.

I could break my jaw for a while, then your turn.

- Okay.

- Who you hitting?

Look out, you're gonna get hurt.

- Hey, I'm first.

Naturally, it's my two cents.

Hey mister, can we please have a jawbreaker?

But not the white one, we like pink.

But not that one on top,

that one way down there on the bottom.

Whoops! Don't spill them.

[gasping] Nice, shiny, pink one.

Thank you.

It's good, Gussy.

No, it's not your turn yet.

You know what I'm going to be when I grow up?

A movie star, like Nita Nalley.

Momma told me what you're gonna be.

An elephant.

[laughing]

Gee, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, Betsy.

Maybe when you grow up, you'll get skinny like a snake.

[laughing]

Don't cry, Betsy, please don't cry.

Here, it's your turn for the jawbreaker.

If you stop crying, you can keep it.

♪ Penny candy

♪ Candy for a penny

♪ I ask for more than a penny now ♪

♪ I've grown very wise, you see ♪

♪ But I wish that a sweet

♪ Were still fun to eat

♪ Now a penny, a memory

[dramatic music]

[Boston Beguine sung by Alice Ghostley]

♪ Tropical nights

♪ Orchids in bloom

♪ Sultry perfume

♪ Intrigues and dangers

♪ With passionate strangers

♪ I've seen it all

♪ As I recall

♪ I met him in Boston

♪ In the native quarter

♪ He was from Harvard

♪ Just across the border

♪ It was a magical night

♪ With romance everywhere

♪ There was something in the air ♪

♪ There always is in Boston

♪ We went to the Casbah

♪ That's an Irish bar there

♪ The underground hideout

♪ Of the DAR there

♪ Something inside of me said

♪ Watch your heart, mademoiselle ♪

♪ And it might be just as well

♪ To watch your purse in Boston ♪

♪ We went to the Common

♪ That's a pretty park there

♪ As I remember [laughing nervously] ♪

♪ it was pretty dark there

♪ In this exotic locale

♪ by a silver lagoon

♪ underneath a voodoo moon

♪ We fell asleep in Boston

♪ That was the story

♪ Of my one romance there

♪ Our dream of adventure

♪ Didn't stand a chance there

♪ How could we hope to enjoy

♪ All the pleasures ahead

♪ When the books we should have read ♪

♪ Were all suppressed in Boston ♪

♪ Exotic Boston

♪ Land of the Free

♪ Home of the Brave

♪ Home of the Red Sox

♪ Home of the bean

♪ And home of the Boston Beguine ♪

- How does it look? Does he like it?

- It's too dark I can't see him.

Why are you worried?

- Because my father doesn't want me to be an actress.

He's done about everything to try and stop me,

and now I guess he's succeeded.

- What do you mean?

- I have a terrible feeling about the money.

- So don't give the money.

So the show closes.

You still won't go back to Texas.

- You don't know my father.

- Well tell him,

tell him you won't go back.

And why?

Because, because [speaking in foreign language]

- Mr Clary, you better get ready.

- And that's why [air kissing].

[Love is a Simple Thing sung by Rosemary O'Reilly,

Robert Clary and Eartha Kitt]

♪ Oh it's right fancy things about love ♪

♪ They complicate it so

♪ Love

[singing in foreign language]

♪ Love just is I know

♪ Love is a simple thing.

♪ Love is a silver ring

♪ Shiny as a ribbon bow

♪ Soft as a quiet snow

♪ Love is a nursery rhyme

♪ Oh there's the tick of time

♪ Love is so many things

♪ bright as an angel's wings

♪ gentle as the morning light

♪ Long as a winter night

♪ Love makes an old heart sing

♪ And it fills every empty space ♪

♪ Love is a warming place

♪ Love is a simple thing

♪ Love is a simple thing

♪ Love is a silver ring

♪ Shiny as a ribbon bow

♪ Soft as a quiet snow

♪ Love

[singing in a foreign language]

♪ Love

[singing in a foreign language]

♪ Love is a simple thing

♪ Love is a breath of spring

♪ Love is a simple thing

♪ Love is a magic ring

♪ Bopping as a puppet show

♪ Bright as a scarlet bow.

♪ Love is both fun and rain

♪ Love is a soaring plane

♪ Love is a pink balloon

♪ Sad as an old buffoon

♪ Wild as a storm at sea

♪ Love is sheer insanity

♪ Love is a touch of spring

♪ And it gives you a sudden grace ♪

♪ Love is a special place

♪ Love is a simple thing

♪ Love is a simple thing

♪ Love is a silver ring

[singing in foreign language]

♪ Love is a touch of spring

♪ And it gives you a sudden grace ♪

♪ Love is a special place

♪ Love is a simple thing

[He Takes Me Off His Income Tax sung by Virginia Wilson]

♪ I've been called names by many a bride ♪

♪ I admit they cause me pain

♪ But lately I've been classified ♪

♪ As a long-term capital gain

♪ He takes me off--

- Now.

- Now?

- Now.

- Ladies and gentlemen,

the next scene is about a famous author

to quote from the jacket of his latest book,

quote, Mr. Kaput is 30 years old,

wears a checkered vest,

has black hair and bangs [giggling], unquote.

[whimsical music]

♪ He takes me off his income tax ♪

[upbeat music]

- Hi, y'all.

I just wrote another book,

and I've been aching to tell somebody about it.

I do all the writing right here in this little old ham.

Now the leading character in my book is one Gerald Fenwick.

I was going to have two Gerald Fenwicks,

but there ain't enough women in here to go around as is,

so we leave him alone.

Now Gerald and his mother Beau La Belle

live on the remains of their plantation, Fenwick's Folly.

I like to read a little bit here,

just give you sort of a idea what's happening inside.

[clearing throat]

Gerald decided there was only one thing

to do about the matter

even though the thought of doing anything about anything

filled him with

revulsion and fright and kind of a fear too.

My choice leads in one direction only, he said

and that is to marry Melanie Montecello.

There was something alive about Melanie, something alive.

That's what Gerald could not stand, something alive.

But that night he told his mother of his decision anyway.

There she was in the living room,

rummaging through the mildew contents of old copper trunk.

Mother, said Gerald, I have something to tell you.

I'm gonna marry Melanie Montecello.

Now, don't you be a silly dear, said his mother,

you know she's your sister on your father's side,

so you just shut your mouth.

Shut it up.

Just then, the house gave a slight lurch

as the termites finished with the South wing.

Mm-mm.

Mother, what now?

She smiled softly as she settled slowly

into the trunk for the last time.

And as the lip nipped off the end of her itty butty nose,

she look at her son significantly and she said, ouch.

But I ain't gonna read no more of my book now,

'cause I want you all to buy a copy when it's published

so you could read for yourself.

In the next chapter,

the very strange and decadent,

and even amusing way I picked to get rid of everybody.

Then for 232 pages

there ain't no people.

Uh-oh, before I go I would like to say one thing.

A lot of literary critics have been telling

you all that I'm a unhealthy author.

I ain't unhealthy, folks [sniffling]. I'm sick.

[Time for Tea sung by June Carroll and Alice Ghostley]

- We were too rich, too beautiful for true love.

That's what mama and papa said.

♪ I wonder if they were right

♪ Mama is gone

♪ All but two,

♪ leaving two little girls with nothing to do ♪

♪ Time for tea, time for tea

♪ Livinia come to tea

♪ Dusty, dusty tea pot

♪ You're as old as I

♪ Can anyone be as old as I?

♪ They can if they try, they can if they try ♪

♪ To be as old as I

♪ Just live too long with a memory ♪

♪ In an empty house and we

♪ You'll soon be as old as

♪ Soon be as old as

♪ Soon be as old as me

♪ As I

♪ You'll soon be as old as we

♪ Poor old house

♪ Aren't you weary of us?

♪ We'll never leave you

♪ Never go out the door

♪ What for?

♪ We were born in this house, you know ♪

♪ Trillions of years ago

♪ But just a year apart

♪ We were constantly taken for twins ♪

♪ House you were young then, like us ♪

♪ And oh, what beauties we were, we three ♪

♪ The house and thee and me

[forlorn trombone]

♪ Remember our debut

♪ In 1902

♪ I was 18 in 1902

♪ My gown was made in France

♪ By Patou for the dance

♪ Mine was from Pace

♪ with pale pink satin bow

♪ And silver bells and cockle shells ♪

♪ And pretty old maid to the rose ♪

♪ The musicians played, encore, encore ♪

♪ I fairly flew around the ballroom floor ♪

♪ But I failed to fall in love that night ♪

♪ Though the men were handsome and my head was made ♪

[dreamy waltz music]

♪ I never fell in love

♪ Through the door came John

♪ And he met me with a smile

♪ And we waltzed and we waltzed ♪

♪ Then we stopped for a while to dream ♪

[dreamy waltz music]

♪ John was the man for my heart ♪

♪ Though we'd only met to part

♪ For Papa appeared with a righteous glare ♪

♪ He saw us kissing behind the stair ♪

♪ And his eyes were as cold as the sea ♪

♪ His eyes were as cold as the sea ♪

♪ That was the last I saw of John ♪

♪ And the last John saw of me

♪ Remember our debut in 1902

♪ I never fell in love

- Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.

We were too rich, too beautiful for true love.

That's what mama and papa said.

I wonder if they were right.

♪ Time for tea, time for tea

♪ You'll soon be as old as, soon be as old as ♪

♪ soon be as old as me

♪ As I

♪ You'll soon be as old as we

- Commercial art.

I refuse to paint this.

I can't get alouette out of my mind.

Everybody think that alouette is a girl,

but it's a bird.

You know, when I was a little kid in France,

every day I used to sing about alouette.

Alouette, very kind alouette.

Alouette, I pick you up your feather.

Alouette, very kind alouette,

I pick you up your feather from your head,

from your eyes, from your beak,

from your neck, from your, from your this,

from your body.

[singing in foreign language]

[Santa Baby sung by Eartha Kitt]

♪ Santa baby, just slip a Sable under the tree for me ♪

♪ Been an awful good girl, Santa baby ♪

♪ And hurry down the chimney tonight ♪

♪ Santa honey, a 54 convertible too, light blue ♪

♪ I'd wait up for you dear Santa baby ♪

♪ And hurry down the chimney tonight ♪

♪ Think of all the fun I've missed ♪

♪ Think of all the fellas that I haven't kissed ♪

♪ Next year, I could be oh, so good ♪

♪ If you check off my Christmas list ♪

♪ Santa honey I want a yacht and really that's not a lot ♪

♪ Been an angel all year, Santa baby ♪

♪ And hurry down the chimney tonight ♪

♪ Santa cutie, there's one thing I really do need ♪

♪ The deed to a platinum mine, Santa cutie ♪

♪ And hurry down the chimney tonight ♪

♪ Santa baby and fill my stocking with a duplex and cheques ♪

♪ Sign your X on the line, Santa cutie ♪

♪ And hurry down the chimney tonight ♪

♪ Come and trim my Christmas tree ♪

♪ with some decorations bought at Tiffany's ♪

♪ I really do believe in you

♪ Let's see if you believe in me ♪

♪ Santa honey, forgot to mention one little thing, a ring ♪

♪ I don't mean on the phone, Santa honey ♪

♪ And hurry down the chimney tonight ♪

♪ Hurry down the chimney tonight ♪

♪ Hurry tonight

- Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention?

You are probably quite aware

that the Marquis de Quiver has done it again.

In society's circles, his latest masquerade ball

was rated second only to the crowning of Elizabeth.

Well at great expense and time

we will do this masquerade ball

as a command performance with original music,

lyrics, and choreography.

In other words a musical entitled Waltzing in Venice

or Take off the Mask.

♪ Waltzing in Venice with you

♪ Isn't so easy to do

♪ If you should take one more step and you ought to ♪

♪ You will be doing the waltz underwater ♪

♪ Oh, what joy forever compare

♪ With waltzing in Venice with care? ♪

♪ What a thrill when the waltz is a fast one ♪

♪ Knowing each that they will be your last one ♪

♪ More fatiguing than tennis

♪ Intriguing with Venice

♪ Is waltzing in Venice with you ♪

♪ Waltzing in Venice with you

♪ Isn't so easy to do

♪ If you should take one more step than you ought to ♪

♪ You will be doing the waltz underwater ♪

♪ Oh, what joy would ever compare ♪

♪ With waltzing in Venice with care? ♪

♪ What a thrill when the waltz is a fast one ♪

♪ Knowing each that they will be your last one ♪

♪ More fatiguing than tennis

♪ Intriguing in Venice

♪ Is waltzing in Venice with you ♪

- [Everybody] Oh!

♪ Take off the mask

♪ Please take off the mask

♪ I know you

♪ I'd know you anywhere

♪ So I ask you take off the mask you wear ♪

[laughing]

♪ Please be fair, won't you lose your a-plumbing ♪

♪ Take off the garment

♪ Oh you're hiding behind

♪ It's no secret to me

♪ That you'll turn out to be my ideal ♪

- Oh!

♪ For I feel that I've known you in Estonia ♪

♪ And I went to bat for you

♪ Down in Latvia

♪ All the things I've been to you, in India ♪

- Oh, India [laughing].

Oh, well.

♪ I haven't forgotten

♪ So please don't be rotten

♪ And take off your mask

♪ That's all that I ask you do

♪ Oh, please take off your false face, ♪

♪ And just let me waltz face

♪ To face with you

♪ No, no, no, no, you naughty boy ♪

♪ Of who you may think me haughty boy ♪

♪ I must refuse what you're asking me ♪

♪ You must not think of unmasking me ♪

♪ Before 12 o' clock

♪ That is how the day will sleep ♪

[cackling]

♪ At the masquerade.

♪ Yes, yes, yes, yes, you saucy miss ♪

- No.

♪ I will be bold and forcing this ♪

- Easy dear.

♪ 'Til midnight I don't choose to wait ♪

♪ Matter of fact, I refuse to wait ♪

♪ So take off your mask

♪ That's just what I'm going to do ♪

♪ Put back the mask

♪ That's all that I ask you to do ♪

[laughing and cheering]

♪ But put back the false face

♪ Or no one will waltz face to face with you ♪

- Oh, I hope was all right.

You think they liked it, though?

- Virgina, your father wants to see you out there.

- Oh.

- Oh Mr. Clayborn, wait until you see Virginia

in the last half of the show.

- That's fine, fine.

That's what I'll do.

- But the man's uh, waiting for his money, and I thought--

- Well, tell him he'll just have to wait for it.

- Ronny's been so wonderful to me, Dad.

Please give him the money now.

You see, I promised him you would.

- Virginia, I've told you right along

that before I give you all the money,

I have to see all the show.

- But you don't understand.

- Oh, I understand very well, my dear.

I'm more anxious about your,

your career than you are.

- I appreciate how you feel, sir.

But you see, I promised the man he'd have his money

before showtime and--

- I'll come back before the show's over

and don't worry about the money, son.

A Texan never breaks his word.

It's just a matter of good business, that's all.

Right?

- Yes, sir. That's right.

- Our program, Monsieur Clayborn.

- Oh, thank you very much, sonny.

[knocking]

[light dance music]

- Girls? The trip of the month club

is very happy to announce that last month's prize winner

is here with us today.

And I'm sure that Mr. Kanker

has a very interesting story to tell us

about his prize-winning pleasure trip to darkest Africa.

Mr. Kanker.

[African drums]

- Who la, la, ba, ba, America.

Who va, va, la, la Africa.

Hello, America.

Hello, America.

Africa says hello.

[laughing]

I've just come from Africa

and I want to take this opportunity to thank all of you

who are responsible for my being sent to the Congo.

Your generous donations far exceeded anything

my late wife or I anticipated.

And the only way I know

of really showing my thanks for those four swell days

is to share with you some of the highlights of our trip.

Just keep your seats.

I'm going to be all right.

One of them cobra snakes struck me right between the eyes.

You know how that feels.

The doctor would've take a look at it,

but I'm set on finishing this tour.

So just been taking aspirins and doping a little.

There are several approaches to the jungle.

My wife and I tried them all.

But we found being dropped from a plane

the most satisfactory.

Although our guide had trouble with his parachute jumping

and broke both his ankles.

[laughing]

But guides are a dime a dozen down there

and we got us another guide right away.

The safari was there already waiting for us when we jumped

and they all began yelling and throwing

flowers and fruit at us.

Made you feel warm all over.

After an hour or so of this tomfoolery,

we hit out on the trail.

Our destination for that first day

was the source of the Nile.

The longest and I might add the dirtiest river in the world.

Oh, but it was stinking.

Our packed mules would fall down and play dead

when it came time to water them.

It gets dark fairly early in the jungle.

We pitched camp about a quarter after four.

In spite of the stench, I slept like a top.

The jungle air is wonderful for sleeping,

so you want to take along plenty of blankets and guns.

The next morning was one of those mornings

when you hear the screech of the orangutan,

the roar of the lion,

and the trees were full of

beautifully colored birds and snakes.

Rembrandt couldn't have captured that beauty.

It was one of those mornings

you feel like just running around barefoot.

Now, we'd only been tramping on the trail

about four or five hours.

And my wife began to complain of her feet.

The only shoes she had with her

were those high heeled sling pumps.

[laughing]

Well, she just couldn't take it.

So we had to leave her there out on the trail.

Couple of days later on the way back,

I found this piece of her dress,

along with her purse, and gloves.

And to this day, I don't know what happened to her.

[laughing]

But what I really remember about that day was

it was the only day it didn't rain

and I got to take some dandy snapshots.

They're not quite as good as I'd like to have them,

but I lost the negatives when I was washed over a waterfall.

Now, I'm sorry.

As you can see, this first picture is a little blurred.

But while I was taking the picture,

I got pretty badly gored by a rhinoceros.

[laughing]

That layed me up for a couple of days.

Luckily though, luckily though, two women missionaries

pulled me through that scrape.

I guess they had gotten gored once or twice themselves.

So I supposed they knew what to do.

This next picture is a picture of a chief

of a friendly native tribe.

There aren't too many friendly tribes in Africa.

In fact, this is the only our bunch ran into.

Most of them get a little out of hand

when you run out of trinkets for them.

Especially them head-shrinkers.

Say they really become sassy.

...Hat on you talk to them.

[laughing]

They'll say, say I can see my time's running out here.

What I've tried to do is tell and show you

some of the things about Africa

that aren't in the travel folders.

It isn't the nicest place in the world.

No, wait a minute, I won't say that.

I'll say this,

I don't believe I'd recommend it for the whole family.

If the children don't hunt,

there really isn't too much for them.

Thank you.

[African drums]

[Raining Memories sung by Robert Clary]

♪ It's raining memories

♪ I don't need a weatherman to tell me that ♪

♪ It's raining memories

♪ And it's also raining rain

♪ Just look at my heart

♪ It rained the day that I found you ♪

♪ Waiting for a cross-town bus

♪ It rained the night that I lost you ♪

♪ The gods were playing house on fire with us ♪

♪ It's raining memories

♪ Memories of days when you and I were one ♪

♪ It's raining memories

♪ And it's also raining like a son of a gun ♪

♪ Romance is just an empty fizzle ♪

♪ In it's grip I'm a drip in a dreary drizzle ♪

♪ Raining memories on me

[peaceful music]

[typing]

[ominous music]

[traditional music]

[typing]

[traditional music]

- You know, he was late today.

[Uska Dara sung by Eartha Kitt]

[singing in foreign language]

- You know in the old days in Turkey,

they say many women had male secretaries.

Oh, those Turks.

♪ He takes me off his income tax ♪

♪ But after his taxes in 53

♪ He used to have a secretary and a yacht ♪

♪ Now he's left with just a wife and an old tee-pee ♪

♪ He takes me off--

- Stop. Ooh.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

an exclusive about a boy who fell in love with guess who?

Hmm.

♪ He takes me off his income tax ♪

Well, how am I doing?

- Great, just great.

But what's the good if the show has to close?

Do you think you'll get the rest of the money?

[I'm in Love With Miss Logan sung by Robert Clary]

♪ What's the matter with me?

♪ What's the matter with me?

♪ School has let out and it's way after three ♪

♪ But I'm sitting here with my chin on my knee ♪

♪ Say what is the matter with me? ♪

♪ I should be at home and I want to go home ♪

♪ But I know darn well I'm not gonna go home ♪

♪ So I just sit here with my chin on my knee ♪

♪ What the heck is the matter with me? ♪

♪ Why, if the gang saw me sitting like this ♪

♪ They'd think I was waiting for some girl ♪

♪ So what if they saw me?

♪ They couldn't here harm me

♪ 'Cause I'm not waiting for any girl ♪

♪ Then what am I waiting here for? ♪

♪ Then why am I watching the door? ♪

♪ I'm in love, I'm in love,

♪ I'm in love with Miss Logan.

♪ I'm in love, I'm in love

♪ I'm in love with Miss Logan

♪ Though I still hate arithmetic ♪

♪ I'll pass arithmetic

♪ As long as Miss Logan is teaching arithmetic ♪

♪ I'm in love with Miss Logan

♪ and I wish, I wish I was not

♪ I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love ♪

♪ That's my slogan

♪ With an angel who flies up above ♪

♪ That's Miss Logan

♪ Though the study of history

♪ Still is a mystery

♪ She teaches history

♪ I learn my history

♪ I'm in love with Miss Logan

♪ And I hope nobody finds out

[whistling]

♪ Though I don't even know the first name ♪

♪ Of Miss Logan

♪ I'm in love, I'm in love just the same ♪

♪ With Miss Logan

♪ Every school day I speak at her ♪

♪ Five days a week at her

♪ Yet here I sit waiting for one more peek at her ♪

♪ I'm in love with Miss Logan

♪ And I wish that she'd hurry up ♪

- Oh, hello Andre.

- Hello, Miss Logan.

- Are you waiting for someone?

- No, mademoiselle.

- Everybody's gone home.

I'm the last one.

- I know, ma'am.

- Did you want to see me?

- Oh, no ma'am!

- Andre, is there anything wrong?

- No, ma'am.

- Are you sure?

- Yes, ma'am.

- All right, then.

Coming, Andre?

- No, ma'am.

- Andre-- - Mary.

- Darling.

- Sorry I'm late.

- Please, not in front of the little boy.

Goodnight, Andre.

See you tomorrow.

He's a funny little fella.

Sweet though.

♪ If there's one person that I don't love ♪

♪ It's Miss Logan

♪ If there's one person that I'd like to show ♪

♪ It's Miss Logan

♪ She could talk to me, sing to me ♪

♪ Candy box bring to me

♪ Hold me and cling to me

♪ Don't mean a thing to me

♪ I don't love old Miss Logan

♪ and I wish, I wish I was dead ♪

- Harry the heel, notorious pickpocket,

believed seen in local area.

[dramatic ominous music]

- Hello, Harry.

- Hello, May.

- You look tired.

How'd it go today?

- Oh, what's the sense in talking.

The little man ain't got a chance.

Today in order to get some place,

you got to be a big operator.

- What happened, Harry?

- I made $8.

Is this what a man should bring home to his wife?

May, I'm 53 years old, I made $8.

And I was darn lucky to make that.

Thank goodness there was the parade today,

or I might've end up with a lousy two bucks.

- Then you made $6 at the parade, huh?

Tell me about it.

- Well there were a lot of cops around and I was nervous.

May, something's happening to me.

I'm getting so I can't pick pockets when cops are around.

I was never like that, was I May?

- No Harry, you were never like that.

- Tell me I was never like that.

- You were never like that, Harry.

- I was never like that.

- You were never like that.

- I was never like that.

By the way, where's the kid?

- Oh, he's around.

- Around where?

- Well, he just went down to the corner to,

he's down in the playground

playing baseball with the other boys.

- Baseball?

- Harry.

- This is how a boy amounts to something?

This is where my teaching and training go?

Wasted always to the boy that takes a bat in his hand,

and smashes his father's hopes and dreams?

- Come on, eat your spaghetti, Harry.

It's getting cold.

- May, this country's going insane.

All a boy thinks of becoming a Joe Dimaggio.

- Sit down, Harry.

- I talk to him and he doesn't listen to me.

May, I failed,

I failed as a father.

- No, Harry.

And he won't fail you.

He's got your blood in him.

- I'm not a well man.

I'm not a well man.

- Hello, mom.

Hiya, dad.

- You're not ashamed to say hello to your father?

- No, I'm not ashamed, am I mom?

How are you dad?

- You're not ashamed to waste your time in playgrounds

when you should be learning your craft?

Why, when I was your age,

I was breaking into candy stores already.

- Why's he gotta holler?

- You're no good!

You're well liked.

Stanley, I'm your father.

And believe me I know what's best for you.

I'll help you, I'll teach you.

Stanley?

All I've got.

Don't you ever want to become a criminal?

- Sure, dad.

- Then in the name of Dillinger, why don't you listen to me?

- Because you holler.

- Stanley, I know how hard it is to start.

I'm not asking you to do impossible things.

Begin at the bottom, start small.

Put slugs into paid telephones, steal at school,

punch your buddy in the mouth.

- Stanley, listen to your father.

- Sure, dad.

- Hey, hey.

That reminds me, this is the end of the term isn't it?

- Uh-huh.

- OK, where's your report card?

- I, I lost it.

- Show your father your report card?

- No, I won't.

- Come on, give me the report card!

- No, I won't!

- All right.

I guess there comes a time in every boy's life

when he thinks he can lick his father.

You think that time has come, I'd like to know about it.

- Harry.

- May.

May.

Thinking whip your old man, huh?

The old man is not as old as you think, son.

Come on, son.

- Ah!

- May!

Why won't the boy listen to me?

- Stanley, show your report card to your father.

- Oh, I hate it, Dad.

Gee, I wish you wouldn't look at it I--

- A?

- I'm sorry.

- B+?

- Dad, I tried to make them--

- A?

- I mean it.

- [Harry] B+, A, A, A, A, A, A, A, A.

- You're killing that man.

That's a sick man, pay attention.

Oh Stanley, follow in his footsteps,

or you'll put your father in his grave.

Stanley, Stanley.

You remember you're an only son, and you mean so much to us.

Oh please, for his sake and mine.

Steal something!

Anything!

I know you can.

I know deep down inside,

down where it really counts,

you're rotten.

- Thanks, mom.

Mom, I love him, and I love you too.

You know that. What's wrong with me?

I've got crazy blood in me.

I'm a misfit, like Uncle Fred, the con.

- Mmm! You must never mention that man's name in this house.

- Sorry. Mom, I've got to tell you something.

I know it's going to sound strange, but you've got me.

Mom, I got a job.

An honest job.

- Told you never to use that kind--

- Stanley! Oh, son, you've come through.

A Tommy gun, my boy's got a,

what the heck is this?

- It's a violin.

I love it.

I want to be a great musician.

- You want to be a--

- Dad!

- There'll be no musicians in this house.

Do you hear me?

I'm not having it. God damnit.

- Stanley, come back.

- Let him go.

He's not my son.

We'll go on together, alone.

Go get the tools, I'm going to crack a safe tonight.

When I'm lost in my work, I kind of forget the pain of life.

- Now don't forget what the Red wrote, Harry.

It's a Thompson safe with a 4.4 tumbler combination.

Don't use too much nitro

and don't forget to eat the sandwiches

and remember the watchmen are changed at 10:15.

And Harry, don't look--

- Nag, nag, nag--

Don't do this!

- There's the man, Harry you...

My father.

- OK, where's the reward?

- Here you are, son, $500.

- May! May, the boy turned in his own father.

His own flesh and blood for a filthy reward, May.

Our boy's a stool pigeon.

[cathartic music]

He's gonna be all right.

He's gonna be all right.

He's gonna be all right.

- Coocoo?

Everything will work out, honey, you'll see.

If your father doesn't give the money

and if the show closes,

well there'd be other shows.

- For you, yes, but not for me.

- What are you saying, darling?

- Daddy's right.

I don't belong here.

I guess I better go back to Lonesome Well, Texas with him.

At least everyone there won't laugh at me.

- I don't laugh at you.

You are a charming, talented, beautiful girl.

Where I go, you go, because, because...

[speaking in foreign language]

That is if you want me.

- Why Robert, what are you saying?

[speaking in foreign language]

- In English.

- Well, I look at you through my heart

and I see the only girl in the world for me.

- Oh, Robert.

[Lizzie Borden sung by Company]

♪ I just got in from Salem

♪ and I'd like to get the facts ♪

♪ Someone named Lizzie Borden

♪ has done something with an ax ♪

♪ And you're worried,

♪ 'Cause the hoedown usually held on Saturday night ♪

♪ might be ruined because of Lizzie. ♪

♪ Is that your problem?

- [Chorus] Right.

♪ What in the world's gonna happen to the hoedown now? ♪

♪ Something wrong with the hoedown? ♪

♪ What in the world's gonna happen to the hoedown now? ♪

♪ What went wrong with the hoedown? ♪

♪ What in the world's gonna happen to the hoedown ♪

♪ Since sweet Lizzie acted low down? ♪

♪ What in the world's gonna happen to the hoedown now? ♪

- What happened?

♪ Don't you know what happened yesterday morning? ♪

♪ Sometime between 10 o' clock and noon? ♪

♪ The thing that happened without any warning ♪

♪ The biggest news since Miss Hughes went up in that balloon ♪

♪ Oh!

♪ What in the world's gonna happen to the hoedown now? ♪

♪ You mean the trial of Lizzie? ♪

♪ What in the world's gonna happen to the hoedown now? ♪

♪ It's gonna keep you busy

♪ What in the world's gonna happen to the hoedown? ♪

♪ Will we let the hoedown go down? ♪

♪ What in the world's going go happen ♪

♪ Since she caught her parents napping? ♪

♪ What in the world's gonna happen ♪

to the Saturday afternoon hoedown now?

♪ wha

♪ Lizzie Borden took her ax

♪ And gave her parents 81 whacks ♪

♪ Lizzie Borden took her ax and gave her ♪

♪ Wha-ah-acks

♪ Now as I see it, Lizzie Borden is slightly out of step ♪

♪ Because she made them put off the hoedown. ♪

♪ Is that the problem?

♪ Yep.

♪ That means the regular social function ♪

♪ Can't be held because of the trial. ♪

♪ Of course, we could get out the judge. ♪

♪ Or else we could wait a while. ♪

♪ Go tell Mrs. Elma Drawry

♪ to come down her and sit on the jury ♪

♪ Go get Ebernezer Burney.

♪ Who is he?

♪ District attorney

♪ Tell Mrs Jones to leave her fudge ♪

♪ And go into the bedroom and wake up the judge ♪

♪ Get Miss Lizzie to bring that ax ♪

♪ and come on down with a couple of facts ♪

♪ I've got a plan that'll make you smile ♪

♪ We'll have the hoedown with the trial ♪

♪ Come on, everybody

♪ We'll have the hoedown with the trial ♪

♪ Howdy, Lizzie.

♪ Howdy, John.

♪ Where's Mr. Burney?

♪ District Attorney?

♪ There he is, judge

♪ There he is, judge

♪ Order in the court

♪Lizzie, don't budge

♪ Hello, folks

♪ Howdy, sonny

♪ Yesterday in old Fall River

♪ Mr. Andrew Borden died

♪ Now they got his daughter Lizzie ♪

♪ On a charge of homicide

♪ Some folks say she didn't do it ♪

♪ Others say of course she did

♪ But with all agreements, Lizzie B. ♪

♪ Is a problem kind of kid

♪ 'Cause you can't chop your papa up in Massachusetts ♪

♪ Not even if it's planned as a surprise ♪

♪ No! You can't chop your papa up in Massachusetts ♪

♪ you know how neighbors love to criticize ♪

♪ Now she got him on the sofa

♪ Where he'd gone to take a snooze ♪

♪ And I hope he went to heaven

♪ 'Cause he wasn't wearing shoes ♪

♪ She sort of rearranged them with a hatchet, so they say ♪

♪ And then she got her momma

♪ In that same old fashioned way ♪

♪ 'Cause you can't chop your mama up in Massachusetts ♪

♪ Not even if you're tired of her cuisine ♪

♪ No you can't chop your mama up in Massachusetts ♪

♪ You know it's almost sure to cause a scene? ♪

♪ Well they really kept her hopping ♪

♪ On that busy afternoon

♪ What with down and upstairs chopping ♪

♪ While she hummed a ragtime tune ♪

♪ They really made her hustle

♪ And when all was said and done ♪

♪ She'd removed her mother's bustle ♪

♪ When she wasn't wearing one

♪ Well you can't chop your papa up in Massachusetts ♪

♪ And then blame all the damage on the mice ♪

♪ No!

♪ You can't chop your mama up in Massachusetts ♪

♪ That kind of thing just isn't very nice ♪

♪ Now, it wasn't done for pleasure ♪

♪ And it wasn't done for spite

♪ And it wasn't done because the lady wasn't very bright ♪

♪ She always did the slightest thing her ma and papa bid ♪

♪ They said Lizzie, cut it out

♪ and that's exactly what she did ♪

♪ No you can't chop your papa up in Massachusetts ♪

♪ And then get dressed to go out for a walk ♪

♪ No!

♪ You can't chop your mama up in Massachusetts ♪

♪ Massachusetts is a far cry from New York ♪

[clapping]

- Now what do we do now?

- Let's have the hoedown.

- What do we do about her?

- About me?

- About you.

- What did I do?

- What are we waiting for?

- Did you do it, Liz?

- Damn me, no.

- That good enough for you, Judge?

- I guess so.

- That good enough for you, folks?

- Mmm, yes.

- Then Lizzie, you're free.

- Pita, pita, pee!

- Now, let the hoedown commence.

- Yes!

- I want to lead the hoedown.

- Lizzie wants to lead the hoedown.

♪ No you can't chop your mama up in Massachusetts ♪

♪ If she at the door then lock and latch it ♪

♪ And here comes Lizzie with a brand new hatchet ♪

♪ You can't chop your mama up in Massachusetts ♪

♪ Cross your fingers, knock on wood ♪

♪ Local girl is making good

♪ You can't chop your papa up in Massachusetts ♪

♪ She's such a snob, I heard it said ♪

♪ She met her pa and cut him dead ♪

♪ You can't chop your papa up in Massachusetts ♪

♪ Jump like a fish

♪ Jump like a porpoise

♪ Let's all take hands and habeus corpus ♪

♪ You can't chop your papa up in Massachusetts ♪

♪ Massachusetts is a far cry from New York ♪

♪ Oh, Lizzie Borden

♪ Massachusetts is a far cry from New York ♪

♪ Yeah

[whistling]

- You know in France

we usually celebrate our fourth of July

by having what you call a block dance.

We dress ourselves as American jitterbugs and cowboys.

[Bal Petit Bal sung by Eartha Kitt and Robert Clary]

[singing in foreign language]

She says, it was the 14th of July.

[singing in foreign language]

The streets were all decorated with lanterns.

[singing in foreign language]

She meets a boy.

[singing in foreign language]

- And naturalement, they fall in love.

[singing in foreign language]

- Where I first met you.

There you stood under a lantern all alone.

Blue, green.

Your bright shining eyes made my head turn upside down.

Remember the old man who tried to talk politics?

We scarcely heard him.

For us, he was a lone violinist.

It's a night I'll always remember.

♪ Ah!

[singing in foreign language]

[singing in foreign language]

- You were wonderful, wonderful.

- Virginia.

You were great dear, just great.

- Well, thanks dad.

- I always knew you'd be a hit, CooCoo.

I mean, Virginia.

- Well, here you are.

- Dad, I've got a surprise for you.

I'm going to be married.

- Married?

Well congratulations son.

How tall are you?

- Oh, about six feet I guess, but I--

- Oh six feet?

Oh, that's wonderful.

That's the way we like them in Texas.

I knew you wouldn't disappoint me, Virginia.

- Dad, this is the man I'm going to marry.

- Oh right.

[Monotonous sung by Eartha Kitt]

♪ Everyone gets into a dull routine ♪

♪ If they don't get a chance to change the scene ♪

♪ I could not be wearier

♪ Life could not be drearier

♪ If I lived in Siberia

♪ I'll tell ya what I mean

♪ I met a rather amusing fool

♪ While on my way to Istanbul

♪ He gave me the Black Sea for my swimming pool ♪

♪ Monotonous

♪ For 30 days salt air I sniffed ♪

♪ While I was shipwrecked

♪ And cast adrift

♪ With a man who looked like Montgomery Clift ♪

♪ Monotonous

♪ For what it's worth

♪ Throughout the earth

♪ I'm known as femme fatale

♪ But when the dawn comes up like thunder ♪

♪ Brother, take back your Taj Mahal ♪

♪ Jack Fath made a new style for me ♪

♪ I even made Johnny Rae smile for me ♪

♪ A camel once walked a mile for me ♪

♪ Monotonous

♪ Monotonous

♪ I could not be wearier

♪ Life could not be drearier

♪ If I lived in Siberia

♪ Traffic has been known to stop for me ♪

♪ Prices even rise and drop for me ♪

♪ Kaska nearly played bop for me ♪

♪ Monotonous

♪ Mono-Tone-Eous

♪ Ooh

♪ There are such immenseful means. ♪

♪ A man of distinction who switched friends for me ♪

♪ Macys and Gimbles shook hands for me ♪

♪ Monotonous

♪ Monotonous

♪ Monotonous

- Everything's going to be all right, Robert.

- Are you sure, darling?

- Daddy's going home tonight.

Oh, I almost forgot.

♪ Oh

- Here.

I better hurry.

- But CooCoo,

♪ I could not be wearier

♪ Life would not be drearier

♪ If I lived in Siberia

♪ Although I know I've acres of dough ♪

♪ I am not sure of the amount

♪ It might be exciting someday

♪ If I learned to count

♪ Chiang Kai-Shek sends me pots of tea ♪

♪ Gayelord Hauser sends me Vitamin D ♪

♪ They wrote for me

♪ Monotonous

♪ Monotonous

♪ Monotonous

♪ I take him off my income tax

♪ I buy him anything I please

♪ He doesn't cost me very much

♪ And goodness, he's so nice to squeeze ♪

- Now?

Now.

- Ladies and gentlemen,

the next number really needs no introduction.

- And so we won't make any.

- Now?

- Now.

♪ I take him off my income tax

♪ I buy him anything I please

♪ He doesn't cost me very much

♪ We hope to see you again

♪ We hope you see us again

♪ What a pleasant way to finally meet ♪

♪ We hope you've enjoyed your front row seat ♪

♪ We vocally took your hand

♪ And vocally shook your hand

♪ And asked you to regard this hullaballoo ♪

♪ As our equivalent to our thanks to you ♪

♪ Our thanks to you, Mr. Orchestra, ♪

♪ Thanks to you Mrs. Mezzanine

♪ Thanks to you, Lord and Lady Balcony ♪

♪ You're the nicest people we've ever seen ♪

♪ We say it again

♪ Encore

♪ We're bidding you au revoir

♪ And we're hoping as our musical ends ♪

♪ That New Faces and you are now good friends ♪

[upbeat orchestral music]