Original subtitles

.

[soft music playing over speakers]

- Come on, we gotta get back home

for the "Property Brothers" marathon.

- Oh, I can't wait; they're finally

airing the episode where they accidentally kiss.

- I'll make guacamole. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

♪

- Sir, where are all your avocados?

- We haven't gotten any in all week.

Those are the last two.

- What do you mean, you haven't gotten any?

Avocados are local.

- Oh, give me those. - [scoffs]

- My children need their healthy fats.

- Yeah, excuse me, but my daughter was here first,

so can I-- - Excuse me,

I drove in from Santa Monica

because my psychic told me this place had avocados.

- Wait a second.

The whole city's out of avocados?

- What? - No, I was asking.

Okay, you should--

Oh, you all right? - Which way is Mexico?

- Uh-oh, uh-oh. - Security to aisle three.

Security to aisle three. - Oh!

[alarm ringing] - Dad, what's going on?

Is there an avocado crisis?

[bright music]

♪

[bell dinging]

- The agricultural commissioner says the avocado shortage

is affecting the whole region.

Supermarkets ran out over the weekend,

local Girl Scouts ran out of their vegan

Avoca-Go-Girl cookies,

and also, Passover's coming up.

- And there won't be guacamole or dragon rolls.

LA Judaism's weird.

- Sir. - Hmm.

- Adolphus Hass is here to see you.

- The California 'Cado King?

Good.

Look, we're all scared,

but it's gonna be okay.

This is a business problem,

and solving business problems is my middle name.

- That's beautiful. Is that Polish or--

- Whatever I was supposed to be doing today, cancel it.

- Get out of here!

We don't have time for you!

♪

- [yawns]

- Finally.

God, these interns get worse every year.

- [weakly] No, I'm your boss.

- Hey, where the hell have you been?

- I know, rough morning. I haven't been sleeping.

Neil texts me every time he gets up to pee at night.

- Oh, that's too many times.

- And then I can't fall back asleep,

and blah, blah, blah.

- Take some melatonin and watch a Cardi B ASMR video.

That's my move, and I sleep like a toddler.

- Hmm.

Hi.

- Makeup-free Monday, very brave.

- No, I'm not sleeping. - Me neither.

I've been so excited to get into this with you.

- Right, your water table thing.

- You know it!

- Mm, um, I've actually got a meeting right now.

- Perfect, that'll give me time

to do some vocal warm-ups.

Water table, water table, ball gag.

- Okay.

- I'm glad you came by, Adolphus.

- Oh, all my friends call me Adolph.

- No, thank you. Go ahead, sit down.

I tell you, the Southland's avocado farmers

are bearing the brunt of this crisis.

The first thing we need to figure out

is what's causing the shortage.

- It's this drought we're having.

My farm's yields are lower than a limbo bar in Lilliput.

- God, he's folksy. - You need water.

I mean, it's the story of this city.

If only the LA River had water in it

instead of what I've been told is called pornography runoff.

So how are we gonna fix this, Adolphus?

- I'm glad you asked.

See, I've been meeting with all the local mayors:

Santa Monica, Burbank, Shondaland.

- Shondaland, is that a real place?

- Yes, but it's not for you, sir.

- And they're all pitching in, but no place on Earth

eats more 'cados than the City of Angels,

so I sure do hope that you'll pony up.

- I'm sorry, is that just a folksy way of asking for money?

- If you subsidize Hass Farms,

I can afford to ship water down from Seattle,

and that place is wetter than an Italian--

- No, no, no, no, no.

Look, that--that's not a solution.

That's just a patch.

- Hey, we're up crap crick here, boss.

We need a patch,

and isn't patches what government does best?

- Sir, this avocado thing is a four-quadrant problem.

It affects moms, babies, gay-bies, and ag workers.

- Yeah, some people use avocados

to trick himself into swallowing pills.

- A subsidy is a win-win.

I get water. People get their 'cados.

We take a picture in an orchard.

You get all the headlines.

- Sir, a photo op and a positive headline

might not be such a bad thing for you right now.

- Yeah, your first 100 days are almost up,

and according to all the reporters I've spoken to,

the current angle is

"New mayor is old but rich hot."

- Rich hot? What, like Bezos?

- No, not like Bezos. - Exactly, sir, like, Bezos.

- Look, writing checks to make problems go away

is not how I do things.

both: "Back at my company..."

- Back at my company, I learned how to do every job

so I could fix every problem.

I learned how to drive a forklift, balance the books.

After the '94 earthquake,

my drivers said the roads were not safe,

so I went out, and I got a Class A

tractor trailer license, and the next day,

billboards for "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective"

were all over Southern California.

[laughter] - All righty, then!

[laughter]

- Yeah, I'm gonna fix this thing, Adolphus,

but I'm gonna do it my way.

- Well,

when you come to your senses,

you can find me on my farm in the Valley.

- Okay.

- Or if it's a weekend, Six Flags.

I'm tall enough to ride everything.

Yee-ha!

♪

- Borings, they are anything but.

Oh, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What is water?

It's transparent...

[distorted and echoing] Wet.

Common street names include wa-wa, the drink, God's tears.

We live in a desert, which is why boring,

boring, boring, boring, boring, boring, boring,

boring, boring, boring, boring, boring...

Oh, the end! - [snorts]

Ah.

Have you been talking for an hour?

- Doesn't feel like it, does it?

So what do you say?

Take it to the mayor? Dazzle him?

- Well, it's a lot to absorb.

- Absorb. [chuckles]

Water table humor.

Well, absorb away, you walking phreatic zone.

[both laugh]

- A reference to the presentation.

- Holler if you have any questions.

I'm available 24-7, 366 if it's a leap year.

[both laugh]

- I saw you. You slept through Arpi's pitch.

- Delete that, and not just because

it's misogynist to take unflattering photos of women.

- Yeah, she's gonna kill you if she finds out.

- I didn't mean to fall asleep.

She just talked so much. Give me that.

- Do you remember when she caught the chief of police

using his phone during a meeting?

She made him cry, and he was at Fallujah.

I don't know if you know this, but not everyone here

sees you as an authority figure.

- This is wrong.

I asked for half-and-half and a splash of Nestle Quik.

♪

- Be-because it's mine, because I'm your boss.

♪

.

- Kwapis, get in here.

People are upset because they want avocados

and they can't get them. - Nodding, getting it.

- And I can't end the drought

or make avocados magically appear,

so how do you get a bone away from a dog?

- Kiss it. - You distract it

with something it wants even more.

- Mm. - Now, when did people become

so obsessed with avocados in the first place?

- Uh, 2013, LA restaurants

started serving the Australian breakfast,

which is boiled steak, Dunkaroos, and avocado toast.

- Avocados are just the latest well-branded LA health fad.

Over the years, I have put up billboards

for everything from pine nuts to pomegranate juice,

and no one liked those things until marketers told them to.

Did you know that quinoa

was originally just Beanie Baby filler?

- Well, then why does it say "do not eat" on the tag?

- We just need to find the next fad.

We need to find something that's abundant,

that's high in omega-3s,

and that people don't yet think of as edible.

And then we rebrand it as...

The avocado fish.

Don't listen to anyone who says its real name

is the monkeyface eel.

It's not.

- And is it supposed to smell like that?

- Absolutely.

Now, this superfood has all

the healthy fats of an avocado

with none of the pits,

just twice the bones of a normal fish

and a poisonous swim bladder.

- And so you're hoping that this will catch on?

- It can do everything an avocado used to do.

Hey, Ana, help me mash these guys up, will you?

Wait, you're not pregnant, right?

- No. - All right, great, great.

Mash, mash, mash. [laughs]

- Wow, and it's, uh, green, just like guacamole.

- Yup, now, eat it quick before it hardens.

Mmm.

[crunching]

[groaning]

Let's go to Chuck with the w-- Chuck with the weather.

- No one named Chuck works here.

- Just cut away.

- We'll be right back. - [retches]

- So now I'm gonna, like, bite

these wet-ass pickles. [crunches]

- How does Tommy fall asleep to this?

This is not relaxing.

I'm irritated and turned on and kind of hungry.

- Et cetera.

- Ugh!

[sighs]

[quirky music]

Alexa, why can't I sleep?

- According to Mayo Clinic, insomnia is usually caused

by depression, stress, or anxiety, lack of exercise--

- Alexa, stop.

Thank you.

Alexa,

call Scary McTinybird.

- Calling Scary McTinybird's mobile.

[line rings]

[cell phone ringing]

- Ms. Shaw, what a pleasant surprise.

Unless this is a kidnapper

using Ms. Shaw's telephone to demand a ransom,

in which case, I will not negotiate.

You can go ahead and kill her.

- Um, no, no, it's me.

Uh, I hope I'm not calling too late?

- If it's city business, it's never too late.

What can I do you for?

- Well, I was thinking now that I have

a baseline understanding of what a borings is,

I was thinking you could go more in-depth?

- Depth? [laughs]

Borings are all about depth.

Man, you are funny.

Zing!

Now, I wish you were here to see this soil sample,

but I'll describe it to ya.

Brown,

light brown, dark brown.

[gasps] The first brown again.

- Oh. Hello, sir.

Mrs. Baby Sir.

- Orly's spending the day here.

- Yeah, my school's closed

'cause they ordered a bunch of avocado fish for the salad bar,

but it turns out you can't transport them dead.

- Because they harden.

You know, the city's been very up-front about that.

- Did the city know that they could crawl short distances?

'Cause one of them got in the pool and laid eggs.

- Fine, the avocado fish was a bad idea, okay?

- This cannot be how you end your first 100 days, sir.

- "Eel Bummer"?

Inside, they did a really good job

of photoshopping the creature from "Shape of Water"--

Oh, no.

Oh, they made you the mute lady.

Gosh, he is really giving it to you.

- This is the kind of problem

that I have been solving my entire life.

I just don't know how to truck-drive my way out of this.

- Oh, my God, what is that smell?

- There are protesters outside throwing monkeyface eel.

Fun fact: the avocado fish

exclusively eats the feces of other fish.

- Jayden, get Adolphus Hass on the phone.

- Yeah, I think that's the right call, sir.

We subsidize-- - Please leave.

You smell like the bathroom at a ferry terminal.

- I know, sir. I'm so sorry.

♪

- [gasps]

.

- Oh, Ms. Shaw? - [screams]

- Do you have a moment? - Of course, always.

- I don't know if you realized this,

but you fell asleep last night while I was talking to you.

- Me did?

[scoffs] Are you sure?

[snores] - Ms. Shaw?

- No, Cardi B, don't hurt that pickle with your nails.

It's a cucumber's baby.

[farts]

That was a chair.

- It happens. Our bodies betray us sometimes.

I pee a little when I laugh, so needless to say,

I'm very concerned about this "Who's the Boss?" reboot.

[chuckles]

Anyway, maybe I need

to tighten up my "presentache"

before we take it to the mayor.

From the pitch yesterday, what would you cut?

- Oh, gosh, that's hard. It's so good.

- Okay, well, what would you say I have to keep?

- I really responded to... graph.

- You narcoleptic skunk.

You fell asleep yesterday too!

- I know. I'm so sorry!

I haven't been sleeping. Please don't hurt me.

I'm your boss, but you can be boss.

What do you want for lunch?

Okay, get it over with. Just hit me.

Oh.

[upbeat music]

Oh, no, what was that?

That was so weird.

What did it mean? [squeaks]

♪

[camera shutters clicking]

- Well, if it isn't the man of the hour.

- I just want to put this whole thing behind me.

- Oh, said the farmer's daughter to the Bible salesman.

[chuckles] Sorry

for the constant folksiness.

I think maybe I'm nostalgic

for an America that never existed.

- Okay, sorry, we're gonna have to move this truck.

It's blocking the H in Hass Avocado Farms,

so it, uh, looks like "Ass Avocado Farms."

[laughs] - No, I can't move it.

I had to lay off all my drivers.

That poor truck's been there all week.

- Well, I can move it.

I've actually got a trucker's license.

- Mm, triple threat:

mayor, truck driver,

and legs for days.

- [exhales heavily]

♪

[electricity buzzing]

♪

I'm gonna have to put a hold on those funds, Adolphus.

Something's come up. Right, Jayden?

- Um, yes.

Uh, there's been an accident, and the doctor said,

"I can't operate on this boy. He's my son,"

because the doctor was a mommy! - Uh, who is this--oh, oh!

- Wait! Wait! - Sir, what's going on?

♪

- [scoffs]

♪

Ms. Meskimen?

I'm sorry to be calling so late,

but I feel terrible about what happened today,

and I also had a couple follow-up questions

about the kiss of death that you gave me.

- I thought I might hear from you tonight.

Still can't sleep, huh?

"We need to get to the root of this,"

said the endangered California vole.

- [chuckles] Is that a joke,

or did he really say that?

I'm so tired.

- I know what kept me up at night when I was your age.

It was a little something called impostor syndrome.

Men are immune to it,

but it's got a taste for skirts.

It's that feeling that you're in over your head

and that everyone knows,

and every time someone mistakes you for an intern

or leaves you off an email chain

about entering through the garage

to avoid getting eel thrown at you,

that feeling grows,

that feeling that you don't deserve to be here.

It adds up, right?

I mean, what were your jobs before this?

According to LinkedIn,

you were a vibe coordinator at The Wing.

- Uh... - And what the hell

is the Fyre Festival?

- It would have worked if Blink-182

had gotten on the plane.

- I think we both know you don't believe that.

Anyway, impostor syndrome, that's your problem.

Sweet dreams. [phone beeps]

- Oh.

[pool balls clatter]

[country guitar music playing over speakers]

♪

- Now will you tell me why we're here?

- I tried to tell you in the car, Jayden,

but you wouldn't stop singing along with the radio.

- Well, because Mandy Moore has found her voice, sir.

- All right.

This is the closest bar to Hass Farms

that doesn't sell wine.

We're looking for truck drivers,

anyone with a Local 63 hat or a tramp stamp.

♪

Jackpot.

Excuse me, fellas, uh, sorry.

Are you guys long haul or local?

- Honk, honk, beep, beep. Am I right, guys?

- Uh, sorry. What were you saying?

- We all drive for big farms in Simi Valley.

I'm with Hass.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Well, I'm, uh, Local 848, Long Beach.

[laughter] - A city boy.

- Hey, city man, okay? Just look at him.

- Let me buy you guys a round.

You want four beers? - No, no.

Just seltzer for me. Thank you.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Are you driving late?

- Oh, maybe he's pregnant, sir.

- Well, I'm not supposed to talk about it,

but driver to driver...

♪

.

[soft music]

- So how was the rest of your night?

- Not great, Arpi. - Poor thing.

Me, I slept like a baby:

butt in the air, belly full of milk.

Sleep deprivation's a form of torture, you know?

That's why you see so many new mothers

weeping in the Whole Foods parking lot.

- I'll get that later.

- So would you like to sleep?

- Yes! Please, I'll do anything!

What do you want? Money, drugs?

I'll give you a piggyback ride.

- Okay, I'll quit torturing you.

In fact,

I'll call you every night and bore you to sleep.

I'll be your own personal little Lunesta insect.

But first, I do need something from you.

- You want a kid? My sister's got two!

One has blue eyes. How does that sound?

- You said you'd listen to my presentation,

and that's what you're gonna do.

- Oh. - Without falling asleep.

Borings, they are anything but.

- Neil. [both chuckle]

Oh, I'm so glad you called.

When you skedaddled like that yesterday,

I thought maybe our deal was off.

- Get in here. Sit down.

- [chuckles] Thank you.

- So yesterday,

you said your trucks hadn't gone out all week.

- Or are they?

- See... [electricity buzzing]

When I went out to move that truck,

the headlights were on.

The lights were on, and the battery wasn't dead.

That truck had been driven recently, at night.

- Ah. What's that supposed to prove?

I'm only fidgeting like this

because of my oversized genitals.

- So I talked to one of your drivers.

- You must be mistaken. I don't have any drivers.

I had to lay them off.

- I was confused, too, until I went out

to your warehouse in Santa Clarita,

and while Jayden distracted the dog...

- With kisses. - Guess what I found in there.

'Cados.

Whole warehouse full of 'em.

That drought didn't ruin your harvest.

It was just an excuse for you to stockpile avocados

to drive the prices up

while you took a handout from my taxpayers.

You weren't gonna ship in any water.

You were just gonna ship that money to your own pocket.

- Oh, snap.

- Yeah, and you almost got away with it too.

- Except I'm still holding all the cards, Mr. Mayor.

You can't afford for the shortage to go on much longer.

Your own staff said you need some positive press,

so you need me.

Tick-o-tockety, friend.

- Wait, is that supposed to be a clock?

- Tick-o-tockety for you.

Give that guy a squeeze.

- It's not hard!

They're ripening too early!

- I think that the City of Los Angeles

will keep its money,

'cause if you don't get those avocados on the street,

you're toast.

Plain toast.

- You son of a bitch!

- Now, get out of here.

We don't have time for you!

- [laughs]

[triumphant music]

♪

You okay? - Mm-hmm.

I got scared when he threw the--

- Which brings us to the end.

So what do you say?

Take it to the mayor for real?

- Absolutely not.

- I'm sorry, what?

- Arpi, if we deprivatize the borings process,

there may be a period of time where we can't guarantee

the safety of LA's drinking water?

- 24 hours max, people can stockpile.

Fill bathtubs.

- You can't mess with people's water, Arpi.

When I was hydration czar for the Fyre Festival,

it went sideways fast.

Billy McFarland hired Adriana Lima

to captain the Evian boat, and she sank it,

and then 20,000 stoned idiots panicked

and started drinking salt water.

You should just watch the documentary.

I look so thin.

And that took place on a mountain of guano

in the middle of the ocean,

but LA is a desert with 3 million stoned idiots.

We do not want to be

the Billy McFarlands of Los Angeles,

so it's a hard no, Arpi.

- Huh.

Well, obviously, I'm disappointed, but...

you seem to know what you're talking about.

- Oh, I do.

You mess up water, next thing you know,

some trust fund douche named Preston

is pulling turtles apart to get their liquid.

- Hard to argue with that.

- [sighs] - Very good.

Thank you for your time.

Would you like me to put you to sleep tonight?

- I think I'm gonna be all right.

I'm feeling--

- Like you're the real deal and not an impostor.

Good for you.

[bright music]

- I'm not an intern! - I know.

I was bringing you a goldfish to apologize.

- Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

Oh, no.

- Avocados are back on the shelves,

and Angelinos are back to being happy.

On the outside.

- I just want to thank Mayor Bremer.

Now my baby's back on keto.

I know, this is three months postpartum?

- Well, there's always a solution, Tommy.

- Solution. That reminds me.

I have to go flush out my dog bites.

- We're joined now live by the mayor's chief of staff,

Mikaela Shaw, who, uh--

- [snores] - Ms. Shaw?

- Harry Potter, take me to the ball?

'Bout Cho Chang?

- Ms. Shaw? - Whatever.

I'll boogie.

♪

- Ms. Shaw?

- [whispering] No further questions.

- [snores] [farts]

- Good night, everybody! - Good night!