Original subtitles

With the collaboration of

"Marta, I'm divorced now".

"I got divorced from the gardener".

"I promise you Marti, I got divorce-id".

Yeah. Fuckin' right!

It's my fault for trusting that idiot!

"Marti, I only want to be 'with yooey'".

"I swearooey, I swearooey!".

Er!

Sorry.

I'm helping Javi move out.

I know it's childish, but I don't care.

I can act like a spoilt child at least once.

Like you with the letter, right?

You have the right to be angry

with Javi, less so with me, but you have to see the bright side.

Which is?

I dunno. You have to find it.

You know that thing about women liking men who make them laugh?

Well you're lucky. It's a lie.

I'm picking the kids up from camp today.

You can come along and we can talk

about if you want me to carry on living with you.

It's just that I'll be away tonight.

Ah. You didn't mention it.

Yeah. My brother Josemi, has gone to some village in Ávila

and he's insisting I visit. Josemi. You know.

LITTLE COINCIDENCES

Created by Javier Veiga

I thought you were going to the fridge for milk.

Son, the milk here isn't from a tetrabrik,

but rather a "titty-brik".

C'mon. Your turn.

Hands to the udder. -I...

Better not, I'm allergic.

To lactose?

To animals. Or they are allergic to me. They don't like me.

Look son,

you're going to grab those udders like they were some babe's tits.

Not for me or her, but for you,

so you can glimpse the kind of man you might become.

Thanks, Jesús.

Call me "daddy".

C'mon.

"Why are you still angry?".

I've every right to be angry with you

because it's my brother's ex-wife and you did it in my restaurant.

Technically it used to be mine.

Yeah, and Nacho's ex-wife used to be Nacho's.

That's a typical hetero-patriarchal comment.

Don't push it. -And so's that.

Christ. And what about you?

You married David's sister.

To do her a favour. And I wasn't married like you.

And I'm not either. I got divorced!

What? -Don't you think it's odd

that you never see her?

When did you last see her? When? Think about it.

Er... I dunno.

But maybe that's because I don't remember her face.

See?

All three of you are bastards.

And you mustn't tell Nacho just because I've been one too.

What mustn't you tell me?

That Rafa...

that Rafa...

got divorced.

No way! Today was it?

Almost. Seven years ago. -What?

You're kidding, right?

Why didn't you say anything?

You never ask!

I wish we were women.

Women support each other.

What? Go to some village to see Josemi?

No, I'll let Álex go.

He can't. And you can't leave me stranded this way.

I'm not going to Ávila on my own with the baby.

Why don't you ask...?

What? Are you nuts! I'm not asking Javi.

I was going to say Giovanni.

Impossible. We can't close the shop.

Yeah, we're closing because

our dad wants us to go up to his place;

he wants to tell us something.

I'm going to tell him I'm back with Elisa.

Think about it. Some things are better left unsaid.

Do you think it's wrong to sleep with someone

you like knowing that it might upset one of your mates?

What? You too?

If you got off with my sister, you're dead.

No, no, no! It wasn't your sister.

It was Nacho's ex-wife.

Ah. That's okay then.

I mean that's bad; but it's okay.

How do you know this is it if you've never been before?

"Mental".

It's here. -Hello.

The boss is expecting you.

"The boss"? It's not here.

Sorry. Is this Jesús Rubirosa's place?

Sure, J. R.

And you must be... Nacho?

Ramón Carpenter.

Nacho, Uber driver.

Carpenter is my surname.

Ramón Carpenter, gentlemen.

Gentlemen is your second surname? -No.

It's a polite form of address: gentlemen.

There's no need to be so formal.

Don't you want me to?

What the hell are you doing here?

Javi, are you following me?

Doubtful, as I got here first don't you think?

Considering you lie every time you open your mouth...

you're a lying piece of shit.

Well, look, I don't know what you're doing here,

but it gives me a chance to explain what happened.

It's a bit late for explanations; you like to arrive late, don't you.

I wanted to explain,

but I was afraid you wouldn't listen. And you won't.

And what about you? -I'm visiting my dad.

Are you coming to see him too?

What? We've come with Cristóbal to meet Josemi.

Josemi?

But what has your father got to do with it?

Who is this gentleman?

Ramón... Carpenter.

Marta, fashion designer.

I've had some weird dreams, but never quite like this.

Josemi, what are you doing?

Er... I'm not quite sure.

What are you doing here? -Your dad called;

he wanted all the family to come. -That's right.

Let's go inside; I have something important to tell you all.

You lot go on...

Please be seated.

Josemi and I want to share something with you.

As I am a high ranking officer I have to be the one to say it.

Josemi is my son.

It's not a joke?

No.

I met his mother, Marieta, at a disco in Alcobendas.

After drinking some Malibu with pineapple

we began to kiss and I took her home

and then I ca... -Hey! Jesús!

Save us the gory details.

It's disgusting.

You're not wrong; especially the Malibu with pineapple.

And now I have a son. -Three.

You have three sons, dad.

Have you started this farse without me?

Weren't you picking up my kids, da... Joaquín?

Yeah, yeah. And you know what Carolina told me?

"Oh yes! My kids are going to go

to some ranch up in the mountains".

"If José Miguel wants to see me,

he can come and see me himself

for fu...". -Okay dad. We get it.

It's a pity.

I would have liked to see my new grandkids.

Your new grandkids my arse...!

This is insane.

Are we all mad! Come on!

Take a close look.

How can this clown be this guy's son?

They can't possibly share the same DNA.

Josemi has better proof than mere ADN.

We swam naked in the river

and he has the Rubirosa birthmark on his ass.

What birthmark?

The real question is why you swam naked in the river.

A heart-shaped mole.

All the family has one on the right buttock:

my dad, me and my sons.

I don't have one.

Yes. You do. -Yes. You do.

So what do we do now?

Get out the champagne to celebrate

or drug ourselves up and make a suicide pact?

I'd love for you all to stay.

Tomorrow, Jesús, dad...

has organized an activity for the whole family.

And tonight we'll have a barbacue.

Josemi, you must slaughter the pig.

Just kidding!

There aren't enough rooms for everyone, but we can share.

I'll be with Josemi, naturally.

Don't even think it.

Hello.

Weren't you with Cristóbal? -He's in good hands.

The hunting horn guy is feeding him.

You still think I'm funny then.

Men being funny is overrated.

He's with my brother.

Which one?

This is all so surreal. I don't think...

Josemi can't be my brother. -He's more like you than me.

That's what you like to think. You can't palm him off on me.

If you want, I'll swap him for Nacho.

You saw me, right?

So we have been family since the beginning,

so we would have met sooner or later.

Right?

Yeah. And now we're related.

Just as well we're not together.

I'll get it!

Sorry, I was just trying to help,

but I see you can manage on your own with your Choripan...

Sorry... sorry.

I just can't be doing with black pudding.

Every time I try it, it makes me sick,

but I forget then make the same mistake again.

I try it...

and I get sick.

I'm the pudding!

Álex?

Yeah, it's Javier.

I'm with Marta at Josemi's do. She didn't tell you?

Yeah I'm here with her.

Yeah.

Wait... the signa... gone...

Si... signa... No. There's... Yeah. Bye.

How's the pudding?

Great. Someone left the phone here.

Could you ask around? See if you can find...

Take this as well. Er... yeah. Bye.

I still can't belive it. Josemi is our brother.

Well, look on the bright side.

You're no longer the family loser.

Javi.

Javi. -What?

Don't you think it's a bit weird

he couldn't care less that I'm back with Elisa?

Well...

If Elisa went back to dad,

right now, the best friend of my ex

would be the step-mother of your brother

who, as well as being my ex brother-in-law is my half-brother.

No, it's all quite normal.

And if dad is acting like he's not bothered,

but really it's just a way to get Elisa back?

Yeah and he's convinced Josemi

to say he's his son just to get back at you.

Should I go and speak to Elisa?

Nacho, turn off the light, I'm begging you.

Elisa is with you. Your girlfriend.

Stop, please, stop it. -Okay.

It wasn't me.

It was me, numbnuts.

Go to Elisa's room.

Didn't you say I can rest assured?

You can, but I can't.

And Elisa is sharing a room with Marta.

Well played!

Are you doing your lips?

Where in the instructions does it mention that?

I'd better go and see Nacho, he's acting odd. I dunno why.

Without helping me first?

I can't deal with instructions.

Yeah right, it has to be more complicated

than flying a Boeing 737.

That oddball just went past with a torch.

Babe, you're ex is a nutter.

He thinks his ranch is Guantánamo.

He's your ex-father-in-law.

He's not my ex father-in-law.

Now he's...

he's...

I dunno, I can't figure it out.

What are you doing here?

Well...

Oh yeah. It's your room. Where's Nacho?

He went looking for you.

Wait, wait.

You can stay here if you want

and I'll go and get him and tell him...

you're waiting.

You want to do me a favour, is that it?

What are you doing here?

Er... Well...

I came to help you put up the cot.

And Elisa is in my room with Nacho so I had to go somewhere.

Wait.

We have to pull together.

One... -Can I seep here?

No way. Two... -On the floor.

Once the cot's up you're off. Three.

Turn around slowly.

Your tricks won't work.

I'm not going to look. Get out.

Look.

Come here, come here.

C'mon, c'mon, c'mon.

C'mon. This way.

Look at him!

He's so clever!

That's right he is.

Your first steps.

Your first steps, Cristóbal.

Not his first steps?

No.

He's been walking for two weeks.

Haven't you?

Where are you going? -It was nice anyway.

You walk really well.

Let's see if he really is your son or not.

Elisa.

Elisa, are you asleep?

What the...!

Nacho! -Rafa!

What the hell are you doing here?

This isn't Elisa's room.

I got the wrong room, but the question is...

what are you doing here?

David didn't want to miss the fun and insisted on coming.

Oh! So David and you...

No, no, no!

No. It's not what it looks like.

Who cares.

You can tell there's something between you.

Me and Javi have talked about it...

So I'll leave you both to it.

Seeing as it's family confession time.

Today was Josemi's day.

Tomorrow you and David can come out of the closet.

It'll be so nice. -I can't.

I can't take it. It's better...

Don't do it, numbskull!

My back was against the wall.

There we go.

Javi, it's all been very nice,

but life's not always like this.

I don't only want to be with you when things are great.

In not-so-great moments it's great being with you.

Even during the bad times.

I know they were bad, but they had something great about them too.

Mummy.

There was a time when we did something great.

Second time tonight.

Maybe the universe is trying to remind us...

that we're uncontrollably drawn to one another.

Or to remind us that when we're together it hurts.

Christ, Joaquín! What are you doing here?

I'm asking myself the same thing.

The horn is going off

and you're asleep paying no attention whatsoever.

What horn? The hunting horn.

It might as well be a brass trombone.

Why is it going off now?

We're family friends. -No, no.

I'm here with my kids. -What's going on?

Thank goodness, Josemi!

Tell this guy with the horn we're not breaking and entering.

Álex! What are you doing here?

Well...

Well, I went to pick up the kids from camp

and I saw how close it was...

How close!

Three hours in the car just cos of her?

Yeah, really close huh?

So why didn't you call to say you were on the way?

I did. Javi answered. Didn't you tell her?

No, the question is how you managed to get here.

He's installed an App so he can keep track of you.

I called Josemi.

You've been my brother for a day and you're already asking for it.

Enough. Everyone back to bed. We'll speak about this tomorrow.

Yeah, but there isn't room for everyone.

My kids can put up their tent in the garden.

And you can go with them.

Cris is sleeping and I would prefer...

And you can go back where you were, with your brother

or sleep here on the sofa.

Sorry guys, but I've got the sofa.

Okay, kids, let's go.

Aren't you going to eat with mum?

She's already made plans with Álex.

She prefers a boring plan to having breakfast with you?

I doubt his plan is boring.

Why don't you get a horse and follow them?

I don't know how. Another thing my dad never taught me.

Who are you talking to?

No one.

To you. I was talking to you.

What do you want to talk about?

Nothing. According to my dad, you're a knob.

Hey... -Don't even think about it.

What you are thinking about is wrong.

And... and.... what about Marta?

What what about Marta?

It's clear you don't like her, but what does your dad say?

I mean I'm sure he says things about her too, right?

It'll cost you.

A donut?

50 euros.

Fift...?

Okay.

You wouldn't prefer a donut?

Hey. I paid you for information.

No. You paid me so that I I won't mention that

you bribed a young girl to get information out of her.

Josemi may be his favourite,

but I won't kill a deer just to get in dad's good books.

What are you talking about? We're playing paintball.

Which is even scarier.

You can step aside so you won't get hurt.

There's no way that you're gonna win.

I'm not going to have a fight.

Of course not.

You're the typical bully who won't fight if he think's he'll lose.

There were loads of them at school.

What are you talking about? I wasn't a bully.

I was. A bit.

Good morning soldiers. Ready for the fight?

Ha! This is the best way to forge family bonds.

If we're going to kill each other, can't we wait until Christmas day?

Today we'll fight to the death and shout:

"We're a family for fuck's sake!".

Okay. Let's see.

Jesús and I are the captains.

Alongside me,

my sons and allies.

On Jesús's team, his family.

Josemi, you decide.

This is like not being picked for football, but in reverse.

Josete, it's obvious that with the girls

and you as a reinforcement we're going to lose,

but you should be with family.

Well said, dad! That's real motivation.

C'mon. C'mon.

Tell fatso that I don't want him in my team.

Nacho, you have to forgive him. These things happen.

And she's on the other team.

This way you can keep an eye on him

so he doesn't disppear with her into the woods.

Thanks for your help, David. -Okay.

The mission is to capture the yellow flag,

but before that you have to kill your enemies.

Careful when shooting close up cos it really hurts.

Jesus Christ...! -No.

Sorry, I got mixed up.

Joaquín's team starts from behind that rock.

Two minutes to hide your asses.

I don't think that...

Guys. Strategy. I have to speak to Marta.

I'd like you to really give it to Chorizo Boy.

No, no time. What strategy?

The strategy is win or die. Josemi, with me.

Let's go! -Er.

If you give me another 50 euros, I'll tell you where my dad is.

It's you. Some shock you gave me.

Why don't we stop all this and go for a...?

You're dead.

♪ "I'm a single lady, I'm a single lady". ♪

That's for killing my friend.

Do your little dance now.

Now you'll forgive me?

Fuck!

Up the girl's team!

♪ "I'm a single lady, I'm a single lady".

♪ ¡Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

♪ "I'm a single lady, I'm a single lady".

♪ "I'm a single lady, I'm a single lady". ♪

Fuck!

Doesn't count. My boots.

Yeah sure, like in wartime when you say:

"I was tying my shoelaces. It's not fair, it doesn't count".

So suck on it. -Okay.

I can accept defeat.

If you lose, you should get out of the way...

so others can play.

Yeah. You know what? In war films the good guys win.

You're the typical one who turns out to be a nazi spy.

They never get the spies. -Eh?

Ah! It hurts!

It stings you son of a...!

No one saw that.

Why would Marta think I was the bad guy?

Okay.

Okay, fine. One thing.

Ah! Christ!

Oh dear! Ooops! No one saw me.

Javi.

Bless you.

Thanks.

Hands up.

Surrender.

So? I win, Jesús.

You have no escape.

Surrender, Jesús.

Dad, what are you doing? -Surrender...

or I'll shoot from here.

Go ahead. As if I care. He's yours now.

What are you saying?

Son, this is the best thing I can teach you as a father.

It hurts so much point blank.

And you think I care? No way.

As far as I'm concerned you can shoot him.

Very well. -No, please, please!

I was bluffing, just bluffing.

Okay. No.

I surrender. Don't shoot him. I surrender.

What are you doing?

I just surrendered.

There's no need to shoot.

Thanks dad. -It's okay.

I meant him.

Shooting's the best bit.

My heart!

My heart! # -Champions, champions!

Relax; he shot you in the belly...

♪ Champions! -I know where he got me.

♪ Champions! -I can't breathe.

A heart attack! # Champions! Olé, olé, olé. ♪

Breathe dad, you'll suffocate.

What's that? I'm breathing fine.

Look. # Olé, olé, olé! ♪

I wasn't speaking to you; get down or you'll break your neck.

Stop acting the goat. -# Olé, olé!

Goat? I can't breathe.

I wasn't speaking to you. -# Olé, olé, olé!

So don't confuse me!

-# Champions, champions. -Eh, dad!

Dad. -# Olé, olé, olé! ♪

Dad! Dad!

I knew this day would come.

It's my turn.

Spoilt. Little. Brat.

It looks that way I know.

But he started it.

He was dead and he shot me.

Get him to show you his ass.

Javi, stop. It's obvious which one of you is the liar.

Bu... Look, look, look!

He's pulling faces behing your back.

I swear. He's the fucking nazi spy!

You've really lost it.

I saw everything.

You saw everything? So tell her the truth.

It'll cost you another 50.

He gave me 50 euros to get me to spill the beans about you.

No, it wasn't like that. Not exactly.

Hey... let me...

Guys!

He's dead!

Who?

My father!

Which one?