Original subtitles

With the collaboration of

Don't we scare you anymore? -Well,

you need to work on it.

Behind the fridge door is a horror film cliché.

You're the one who needs to work harder.

Give up. When the divorce letter arrives

and your mum finds out why he missed my birth

you can forget about being born.

Fine, so I'll remain a prototype,

but you'll be brought up by Chorizo Boy. Will you call him "daddy"?

He's not going to call him "dad" because I'm his dad.

One who's never here.

Are you gonna look after me today?

It's just that today is impossible.

A critic from my old guide is coming today

the one who took over my job.

I don't know him and I'm sure he'll want to make it diffi..

Is a Michelin Star more important than your son?

No. I mean...

It's always been my dream, but...

But everything I do I do it for you,

so you're not lacking anything.

I'll be lacking milk today. That's my breast milk.

It's your mum. She'll catch me.

Disappear.

Dad. What if it's the letter?

LITTLE COINCIDENCES

Created by Javier Veiga

It's only Álex. I won't...

It's only Álex. I'll get it.

Hey, hello. -Come in, come in.

Sorry, I went out for a run and forgot the keys,

but on the way I picked up some breakfast.

And some nappies, because we ran out.

And I fixed the cistern.

You're everywhere at once. -No.

He forgot his keys.

I thought we'd cleared things up:

you can't just come into the house.

But I don't want my son to say I'm never around.

When he grows up I mean.

Fine, well you can go up and feed him.

In the meantime we'll have breakfast in the garden.

Hey...

We'll save you a croissant if you like.

Nacho.

Nacho, I told you yesterday that you can't stay in my house.

Yeah, but you also said you were on duty all day.

Look.

To have a son of a bitch sleeping in my place

is bad enough, but a naked son of a bitch

is too much.

Who is in the bathroom?

No!

Eh? Nacho, are you doing it with my sister?

Look, get dressed now because I swear I'm gonna kill you

as soon as you do.

Nacho, haven't you got a dryer?

Uh! Hello! What are you doing here?

This is my house.

Nacho has been squatting here for a year.

Don't you think it's odd not to use a bedroom?

Well we began there, but the bed was too small.

Don't touch me!

The dryer is under the sink.

David, you have to understand. It's Elisa.

Look, shut it. You know the worst of it?

I'm happy for you, and for me too,

because for a moment I thought that you'd slept with my sister

under my roof.

What? I'd never do that. What sort of friend would I be?

Hey!

It's my boyfriend.

Elisa is in the bathroom.

Wonderful. A threesome!

Oh, I am sorry.

Maybe I shouldn't say such things in front of my big brother.

Not my face, not my face.

You can pack your bags and leave right now.

I haven't got a suitcase.

I'll give you one.

Stop it please. Stop. Elisa is the love of my life

and your brother wants to kill me. Tell him there's nothing going on.

Well, not exactly nothing.

Two days ago we had a nice shag.

A shag?

What shag?

Which shag? Who shagged?

I dunno, seems like your sister... -With my brother.

She slept with Javi... again.

She was telling me. My God.

Did you sleep with Javi again?

And... well...

It would have been worse if I'd slept with your dad, right?

Hey...

What the hell?

Don't tell me you spent the whole night with the list.

No.

Well. Yes.

Relax, there are only three left.

All the others have been ruled out. The Holy Spirit must have done it.

And your mother a virgin.

There are two left. Look.

It couldn't have been that one because he sent a certificate

saying he was sterile.

And this one?

Fernando Soria.

I don't believe it!

What's the matter? You know him?

He was the priest who married us.

So... nothing there then.

If he met her at the wedding mum was already pregnant.

Yes.

I feel so much better.

That leaves just one.

Mum couldn't remember very well and put "J. R. Ranch".

Maybe Ranch is the surname.

There's a child sleeping.

Could you ring more quietly?

A delivery.

Ah. At last. From the courts?

No, Amazon.

A package for Alejandro del Pino.

Alejandro?

Chorizo Boy?

I dunno what it is, but I don't suppose it's food.

Ah, er...

Sorry, I thought it was for me,

but I see that it's yours.

Look, I don't know what the fuck this is.

I don't mean this.

It's for Cristóbal. It's a dummy for his teeth.

Ah, yeah, I know.

But I don't know why you opened a package addressed to me.

But it came to my house.

Yeah, but you no longer live here.

Yeah, but you won't be here much longer.

Yeah, but that's not up to you.

Yeah, but...

but...

but... "That's not up to you".

What are you doing?

Your boyfriend ordered this on Amazon.

A special dummy for Cristóbal, for his gums.

I know. -So I put your address,

but your ex is more interested in grabbing my thing.

Hey? That was funny.

He's not quite so deadly dull as you said he was.

Okay. The pair of you cut it out.

Álex lives here and Javi comes to see CristóbaL;

so from now on you can stop acting like macho men.

Can you see to the baby, please?

I'll go. -I'll go.

I was talking to Álex.

Javi, one baby in this house is enough.

Why are you being so childish.

Me? He started it.

Hey, look, I'm sorry,

but you don't need him to look after Cristóbal.

I'm here... his father.

I can't count on you.

You can always count on me. -Yeah?

So can you look after Cris today?

Or do you have something more important to do?

Of course not.

"Are you sure? How come it's none of them?".

"Have you gone through the list?".

Yes, Marieta, yes,

we've gone over it from top to bottom.

It must run in the family.

"You're so sexist!".

"What? Only men can be unfaithful right?".

But I was never unfaithful to you.

"Ah! No? So what about on Thursday afternoons

when you told me you were going to play cards with Manolo?".

What do you think? I was playing cards with Manolo.

"Ah, ah, ah... well you might have come up with something better".

"It sounded like a lie". -Look...

Please, please. Can we get back to the subject?

Mum, there's only one we don't know, a certain J. R.

The screen's blocked.

"No, I'm trying to remember".

"Ah, yes. I called him J. R. because he rode a horse

and wore a cowboy hat like the bad guy in 'Dallas'".

"He had a ranch near Gredos or thereabouts".

"A ranch".

Marieta... -Do you remember the name?

"I dunno! Some village".

"I wasn't taking notes. Hey, I have to go".

Don't you want to ask forgiveness?

It's blocked again.

"No, I just remembered something".

"The village had a name like a cake or such".

What? What do you mean a cake?

"Shit, I dunno. Tart, pudding, dessert, cake!".

"All this nonsense is making me peckish!".

"Frida, get that tray of pork scratchings".

Hey! Hey!

She hung up.

Have you got petrol in the car?

Yeah, we'll soon see about that.

Wait 'til Javi gets here.

Good job you're here.

It's the cook; he's got me... he's got me...

washing dishes all the time.

He won't let me cook until I I learn how. Tell him, will you?

Yeah. To be patient.

The critic's coming. You're on the bench. I can't risk it.

From guide?

He reserve for two person.

He's made a reservation for two?

Is he bringing his girlfriend?

It's not professional, it leads to bias.

You always took friends along with you.

Yeah, but I ignored your opinions.

Mind Cristóbal, I need to check the menu.

Bringing your kid to work isn't very professional either.

It's not about being professional, it's about being a good father.

Leaving your son with Rafa not being a good father.

Giovanni. -I can't just now.

This is a delicate job... -Javi's back with the gardener.

Tell Marta right away.

No way. It would kill her.

She's happy with Álex.

Yeah right. Álex doesn't mean anything;

Marta's still hung up on Javi.

What? She wants to kill him.

Sure. She wants to kill him.

She wants to kill him, but when she sees him...

I dunno, she goes all gooey.

I don't know what I should do.

Firstly, reinvent yourself.

"Going all gooey" is so 90s.

We mustn't tell Marta.

About what?

One more minute, okay?

Hello. -Hello.

We have a table for two.

I don't know if... -No.

I mean, the table yes, but...

Well, I suppose it's your companion.

Yes, of course.

Welcome. He's not here yet.

Who? -The critic. He's not here yet.

No, but she is.

Don't think so. The review is...

You are the reviewer, aren't you? -No, the critic.

You're surprised it's a woman?

This must be a 1950s themed restaurant?

No, no, not at all.

I mean, lots of women criticize too.

I don't mean to say you all like to criticize.

Lots of men do it a lot too.

I don't mean "too" in the sense that... you know?

I love to read 'Heart' magazine.

I'm stunned.

Drop it. -Better. Thanks.

I'm hungry.

And what's this kid doing here?

I know what you're thinking, "not very professional",

because I'm a woman.

If a guy takes his kid to work he's a super-dad.

But if a woman does it they hang her out to dry.

No. It's not that.

Just that it's a little bit odd.

My son? -No, of course not.

Bringing a kid to this kind of restaurant is odd.

Your son is perfectly normal, a bit on the small side, but...

he'll soon spring up, right?

Shall I show you to your table? -If you would.

This way. -Thanks.

I... you...

Now, perfect.

Yes.

Enjoy.

Thanks.

So what were you going to tell me?

And Cristóbal?

Javi's taken him to work.

And how are things with Javi?

Dunno, normal. They went off together today.

He looked great, Cristóbal.

Javi was just normal, but he does have good taste in clothes.

Javi, not the baby, we don't know that yet.

Do you still have feelings for him?

The baby? -No, Christ, for Javi.

For Javi? Me?

Well. Okay, A bit.

I'm still all messed up.

I can't get over the birth.

I know it was bad luck for him that it only took half an hour,

but why does he always get things wrong where I'm concerned?

And then I see him, I see what he's like with the kid;

I see how he looks at him...

I see how he looks at me...

Gooey.

Are you going to tell me what you can't tell me?

Well, this morning...

I got back together with Nacho.

Again?

It's groundhog day.

Elisa get's off with Nacho, I get pissed off with Javi

Giovanni does not score at all.

All that we need is for Javi to get back with the gardener.

Okay, stop sucking that, it's time to eat. Yummy.

Rafa, a good thing you're here. You can feed him.

I trust you more as a nanny than a cook.

Javi, I have to speak to you.

I can't just now,

but it's great you're here.

Here, you can feed Cristóbal.

Don't you trust me as a nanny? -No.

I trust you more as a nanny than a cook,

but I trust Nacho more as a nanny.

In fact I trust Nacho more as a cook.

I can offer you two kinds of gourmet menu. Large or small.

The large menu has three starters, ten main courses,

two pre-desserts and three desserts.

Maybe that's too much... -For a girl.

I was going to say "for a child".

I want macaroni.

Very cheeky!

We don't have macaroni,

but we do have crab in tempura,

it's crunchy, you'll like it.

You eat the shell and everything. -Yuck!

Do you have a kid's menu?

No. Why would I have a kid's menu?

And what do children eat?

I dunno. McDonalds?

Well, all we do now is find out if kids shouldn't go to places

with Michelin stars or if Michelin stars

shouldn't be given to places that don't cater for kids.

Rafa. -What?

I'm gonna regret this, but get in the kitchen.

I'll do whatever you want:

baked, reduced, frothed, wok, textured...

What do you need? -Macaroni with chorizo.

Perfect. My speciality. Trust me.

What's wrong my love?

Why have you tied him up like that?

Because you don't have a high chair. -What's a high chair?

A high chair, a chair for kids.

Ok but I don't call it that. I call it a "chair for kids".

So you've got one.

No, but I know what one is.

You want me to have all this kid's shit. It must be karma.

Wait, Javi, I have to talk to you.

I'm going to tell you something you're not going to like...

I'm back with Elisa.

Great. Groundhog day.

You go back to Elisa, Marta's got her claws out for me.

All that's missing is if I get involved with the gardener.

You always find me out!

Okay, well... I had a thing with Claudia.

What? With Claudia?

You had a fling with Claudia, David's sister?

I mean Claudia, my ex-wife?

Yes, the gardener. Are you bothered?

Yeah.

Well, no, no. It's a bit weird.

I don't know what you'd think if I slept with Piggy Wiggy.

You want to sleep with her?

C'mon.

Here, Cris, look.

Give it up son. We're running round like headless chickens.

My intuition tells me this one is my father.

J. R. has a ranch in a village named after a cake.

It's a good starting point.

For an episode of 'Murder, She Wrote'.

Stop, stop the car!

SPONGE CAKE PUFF PASTRY FROM GREDOS

"Pastry" and "Sponge cake"!

Bollocks!

Now what?

The macaroni is on its way,

but now your mum is going to try our risotto

with tangy cheese and a black garlic muslin.

And I brought you a little in case you want to try it.

Yuck! -But you haven't tried it..., son.

So... so... so no.

Me neither, but it must be yummy.

Don't be fooled by the black garlic.

What's wrong with the black garlic?

Nothing... just that it's black.

So you are racist as well as sexist?

What do you want me to say? That it's Afro-American garlic?

I want macaroni.

The macaroni is on it's way for fu...

For...for... for you. They're taking so long.

I'll go and see what's happening.

Nacho.

The baby's sleeping.

What we're we saying?

Nothing. You told me what a high chair is.

And that you had slept with my ex-wife.

C'mon, she's not exactly your ex-wife ex-wife.

You can't really be angry. -Why not?

Because I haven't told you the worst...

I really fucked up.

I told Elisa you got off with Claudia

so she wouldn't cotton on. -You what?

Help me, brother. Don't say anything.

You are my alibi and Elisa is the love of my life.

And she's Marta's best friend

and Marta is the love of my life and the mother of my child,

and I'll never see her again if Elisa spills the beans.

I knew you'd get angry! -I can't believe it.

Call Elisa, call her now, call her

and tell her the truth.

Elisa, don't worry... I'll tell her, Elisa.

Yeah, thanks... No, I'm not an asshole.

I'm not the asshole.

Tha... Thanks.

Okay. Marta's gone back home.

Elisa and Giovanni didn't tell her about Claudia.

I'll tell Marta and I'll ask her not to tell Elisa.

I haven't said anything to Elisa though I should have.

Speak to Claudia so as not to get into more trouble

and then every base is covered, okay?

What are you doing here?

Do you have a second? Just one.

I'll take Cristóbal home.

I'm going to talk to Marta, to try and sort it out.

Brother, thanks so much.

Yes, yes. Fine, okay.

Javi, the reviewer.

Stuff the critic.

She's having a smoke over there.

If I want to get stuffed I go to other restaurants.

He...

Well, enjoy yourself. There's nothing I can do.

I have family stuff and I can't attend to you now,

but thanks for the visit anyway.

Is that your son?

Yes. You're not the only working person with kids.

Wait, wait.

I realize ... I may have been unfair on you.

I'm sorry.

I thought you were the typical single male narcissist

just thinking about himself.

If you'd said that ten months ago, you'd have been bang on.

Parents have to help one another.

It's so difficult to make it work, even more so for a gay couple.

Well you shouldn't write a good review just

because I'm a gay father.

The risotto... wasn't bad.

And the macaroni was great.

That's half an hour on this bloody goat track

and there aren't any horses or pastries...

Stop, stop, stop. Let's ask this guy.

Excuse me, my good man.

Do you know where a village called Pastry is?

Pastry? Yes.

It's just past Little Buns.

Little Buns? You're kidding!

What's the story with all these daft names?

That's where J.R.'s ranch will be.

Sorry. Are you looking for J. R.'s ranch?

Yeah. Do you know it? Is it far?

THE STUD.

"Mental"?

With that name

he absolutely has to be my father.

So you have lunch at home then?

There's nothing like good home cooking.

I've come back so I can have a good nap for the first time in ages.

So I've opened a tin of cockles

which I'll happily eat while I drink this beer.

And as soon as I finish it, I'm going to sleep.

So that's how long you've got to tell me whatever it is.

Okay. Aren't you curious?

No. I'm more sleepy than curious.

I know it's none of my business,

but it's madness that you and Javier are separated.

It's obvious you love each other.

Did he send you over to say that?

No, no, and no one ever asked me for my opinion,

but I'm from Argentina so I give it before saying "good morning".

There you go.

I'm only saying this because Javi is my friend

and I don't want him to suffer.

Oh how sweet!

I thought it was because you forced Javi to marry your

sister, destroying our relationship in the process...

Well, maybe but that's getting off the point.

The point being that Javier is completely crazy about you.

So why the hell aren't you together?

It's complicated. -No.

Oncological surgery is complicated,

or stem-cell research,

but this is love, right?

You either love each other or you don't, and if you don't you don't,

but if you do and you're not together,

it's because you're a pair of nitwits.

Enough.

You have to chuck Chorizo Boy and Javier should stop

messing around with my sister and that's it.

Excuse me?

What is it that Javier has to stop doing with your sister?

Ah, ah. You mean you...?

No, I mean...

Hello? Marta?

Oh. It's late, I have to... -You don't have a watch.

No, I have to go and buy one.

Everything David told you is a lie.

He said you were in love with me.

Well that is true.

And he told me you're still involved with the gardener.

Every day they fall off

and I have to stick them back up.

Ah!

"Sentimental".

So he could be your father.

So you are J. R. then?

No.

J. R. are the boss's initials.

Have you come to see him?

We...

Is he home?

No, he's taken Marieta for a walk.

She's been nervous all morning

and the boss said he has put her through her paces to calm her down.

Marieta?

He's been riding her for three hours.

But Marieta is...

An impertinent mare.

I dunno. I'm not sure he isn't speaking about your mother.

Hey!

No fucking way!

Don't explain a thing. We're not together.

You can marry her again for all I care.

I can explain everything.

I can't. Programmed nap.

I'll take my son too and I'll deal with him myself.

Can we...? -Don't touch me.

Excuse me.

I've brought a surprise, but I don't know if... Everything okay?

No it's not. Can you leave please?

No it's fine. Stay.

I...

I don't care, I'll say it with him there.

Marta,

I'm not invlved with Claudia, it was Nacho.

I didn't tell you.. because...

because of Elisa, but it was him; I swear on Cristóbal's head.

Javi, I don't care who you're invovled with.

But I do care, because...

He can hear this too.

There's only one person in the world I want to be involved with...

And I'm not going to lie to you any more.

Are you sure?

What the hell's that? -I dunno.

Well it's addressed to you.

You opened a letter addressed to me?

Oh, sorry, I know you like reading other people's mail...

Marta, you should... -If it's not mine, I won't.

Álex, stop, that's not right.

You heard.

But you weren't going to read it!

Not when he wanted me to, no;

but I can see how nervous you are and it piqued my interest.

You were geting divorced when Cristóbal was born

and that's why you were late.

Out. -You heard her.

Both of you.

I want to be alone, alone with my son.

Look, you never forget such a woman...

Oh! She was a wild animal.

Yeah, so we heard.

And when were you together?

New year 1976.

She was a woman ahead of her time, an amazon.

She was the one who showed me that male G spot

is in the anus.

Such sweet memories!

And how do you two know her?

Well...

She was my wife.

No, relax, I'm not bothered.

So... you must be her son.

Marieta's yes. Not his.

Let's just say we're looking for

my biological father.

So you? You are...?

You are my son?

The dates seem to fit

but don't feel obliged to...

Son!

The son I never had!

But you have two.

Well, yes. But I didn't have this one.

Come here my son!

HALF LEMON

Who's there?

Who is it?

I've got a weapon!

I'm armed and crazy!

It's me!

It's me.

For godsake tell me "it's not what it looks like".

Well, she looks like Nachos's ex-wife, but she isn't.

Rafa, don't be a dick!

But what the hell is happening? Everyone with everyone else?

And you...? What? Aren't you going to speak?

Yeah. Sure.

How's Marta and the baby?

I hate the phrase "All men are the same". Of course not.

What's surprising is that there are so many versions of the

the same creature and they all disappoint you.

And you'll be the same.

Yeah, yeah. Don't gimme that look.

You can't talk yet but I'm sure that as soon as you learn to

you'll say something that will break my heart.

Daddy.