Original subtitles

With the collaboration of

Hey you. The one that's kicking me,

if you think I'm going to let myself go because of this

you've got another thing coming.

I've always done my toenails.

To look good in sandals.

What'll happen next?

A tracksuit when I go into labour?

Oh!

Marta? I'm coming, it's coming!

I'm on my way!

LITTLE COINCIDENCES

Created by Javier Veiga

Marta! Marta!

Marta!

Hey! What...? Are you in labour?

Yeah, I just gave birth. I left it playing in the bathroom.

Bu...

Javi, I've still got a month to go.

Why were you yelling?

Because... I looked in the mirror,

I saw how fat I was and I thought I was someone else.

Hey, Marta, do you need help with anything?

Actually yes. There's this guy

who comes into my house without warning...tell him to...

Seriously. If you need my help tell me.

I've got a lot on my plate with doing up the restaurant...

Sure, as I'm only eight months gone,

the restaurant is more urgent.

The pre-natal class today is very important.

If you can't come, because of the restaurant let me know.

If I don't go will you take someone else?

If you don't come, I'll burn down the restaurant.

And I said to Elisa: "It's over. I can't take anymore".

"I have my dignity". And... - What are you saying?

You told us that she was the one who left you.

Did I tell you that?

I'm a bigmouth.

We're working, okay?

Just that we stop for a beer every so often to look

like real builders.

This isn't a bar.

You can't stay there like that.

The only thing missing is David to make it really cozy.

They called me, hey? Because they were out of beer.

I've already told you. It's going to be a restaurant.

And in such a swish restaurant you won't serve beer?

Of course not. A restaurant without beer isn't a restaurant,

but you can't keep turning up at all hours

just to drink beer and talk shit.

Do you get me?

Yeah, you had a fight with Marta.

I just want her to be okay.

And for her to leave Chorizo Boy.

His name's Álex.

Sorry. Chorizo Boy sounds better.

It's like with Huggy. It's not nice to call him that.

Yeah, until you dump him;

then you forget his name and call him your Chorizo Boy.

How could I forget his name?

What was Huggy's real name?

Get off my case, will you. Don't change the subject.

We're speaking about Chori...

Álex.

Now you mention it, we haven't spoken much about him.

I mean what kind of chorizo is Chorizo boy?

Spicy? Or like black pudding? Or chorizo from Cantimpalos?

Behave yourselves.

You're making me wonder.

She seems to feel more secure with fucking Chorizo Boy.

And she thinks he's a better father than me.

He does have two kids. Maybe he has more experience.

I can learn if Marta believes in me.

She looks at me...as if I was hiding something.

But you are. You told her you were divorced.

What kind of friend are you?

What do you prefer?

That I just tell you you're right like Nacho and Rafa do?

I'd prefer you were like Paco, just smiling and saying yes.

Yes, yes.

You see?

You know, Álex isn't as wimpy as you think.

Sometimes he's really very... spontaneous.

He's invited me to dinner tonight and he has a surprise for me.

Oh! Perhaps he wants to tell you he's pregnant too.

Look, Álex is a widower and that always makes it more exciting.

Or scary.

Perhaps he killed his wife.

I don't think so.

Really. I think Álex is someone you can trust.

He makes me feel safe and secure and calm.

It's so romantic! Everything you could wish for in a pension plan.

At the moment it's just what I need, what with all this.

Yeah. Are you still puking and all that?

No. My toenails.

Well ask Javi to do it.

And put up with his little jokes?

"Javi, can you help me to do my toenails?".

"But you told me not to paint anything in this house?".

You do a great Javi.

When you do the paperwork what'll you put: single, married, divorced?

The Registry! Jesus Christ! We fucked up!

On the Civil Register, you have to put your

civil status.

Marta's gonna see it.

She'll burn down the restaurant.

Well, unless...

Look, Javier, how can you divorce my sister

without her being repatriated?

I don't know, but Marcial is a councillor

and I asked him to find a solution.

Something illegal?

That's a crime.

You're Argentinian. You know about corruption.

Yeah, it's part of the legacy the Spanish left us.

Thanks so much.

And why the hell do we have to meet here?

I don't know, it was Marcial's idea.

Don't look at me.

Make as if you're talking.

What the hell is all this?

I said don't speak to me.

Are we being watched?

It's my little joke.

I always wanted to be a spy, but I end up a civil servant.

Marcial, it's not the time for jokes, right now.

Are these the divorce papers? Not at all!

It's for the tax on my mum's flat.

Javier, I told you before, I can't just falsify divorce papers.

Look, Marcial, seriously, I need you help, okay?

Marta is going to have the baby in a month; I'm desperate.

Ah, if you're doing to for love

that changes everything.

Can something be done?

No. So what has changed?

My opinion about you.

Uh... Uh...

Can't you speak to the judge?

I could speak to my brother-in-law.

Is he a judge?

No, but his cousin is, in the court at Aranjuez.

He's a judge in Aranjuez?

But he won't be able to fix a date.

When the time arrives,

we'll all have to go straight to Aranjuez that same day.

Yes. Whenever he says.

You have to bring me 5000 euros.

Eh? Five thou...

Okay, fine, 5000 euros, right.

A little joke.

I'm a district councillor but I don't deal with town-planning.

I don't know what to call you.

I'm not going to call you "mom".

It's very kind of your husband to accept me.

Well maybe it's not so funny for you to find out...

about what happened with my mother?

Son of a...

bi... -Excuse me?

Son of...

Are you trying to say something?

Son of...

I can't hear...

What? What?

No, no, no, no! No, no, no, no, no!

What...?

No, no, no!

She's going to give birth. Wow!

But what's that?

Is it the baby's head?

Christ! it's like watching a more squishy version of "Alien".

Yeah with Sigourney Weaver crapping herself.

What? The woman is crapping at the same ti...?

It's normal. Lovely, isn't it?

Javi.

Javi, are you okay?

No! Look! No!

Don't die on me, please!

I'll plug her in...the plug.

No, no, no!

It's okay.

Are you okay, dear? -Yes, yes.

She's fine. She was like that when you went to the bathroom.

I meant you. She's always fine.

She's fit as a fiddle.

Ah.

A gift.

Made just for you.

A present from your dad.

I don't think I can do it.

Well, your role is less difficult.

Looking, getting sworn at and not fainting.

Hey, you puked as well.

And why were all the others smiling as they watched?

Do you think we are unnatural parents?

I think that all parents in the world belong

to a masochistic sect,

and birth is the initiation rite

to be able to enter.

If you want I can make dinner tonight,

as long as you don't throw it up.

Uh... Dinner...

It's just that...

I'm not that hungry.

Yeah.

You can only manage a chorizo?

I'd prefer you called him Álex.

And I'd prefer it if you didn't call him.

Uh...

Be quiet.

I've got a surprise for mum that'll make her happy...

and she'll call off her date with Chorizo Boy...

They're in the sect as well.

What do you think?

Do you know what that means?

-You've done a course in Photoshop for retired people?

-Yes... It's a riot being with you!

Tomorrow they're all going to love you.

Tomorrow? All of who?

I've invited all your new siblings to lunch.

I want them to meet you.

If you want to bring anyone from your old family...

Well.

No.

Son of a...

bi...

Oh!

I didn't have a chance to knock.

Yeah, sorry I was waiting for you.

You see my... Well... Marta...is upstairs

and I don't want her to find out.

Why not?

Ah! Christ!

Another one!

I'm not a prostitute.

No, no, no, no, that's not it.

It's because the pedicure is a surprise for her.

Ah, just as well.

Many clients think I prostitute myself.

Maybe because of the way I look.

Like the one out of Pretty Woman.

Uh... Yeah, yeah. That'll be it.

But you're Paco's sister, right?

Yes. Paco, my brother, me, Macarena.

Macarena, great.

Okay well, the pedicure is a surprise for Marta.

Marta? Your wife?

No. Your girlfriend.

Not that either.

But you live together, right?

Yes. No. It's complicated.

I live in the garden.

In the garden?

Like the gnomes.

Yes, like the gnomes.

Can you give me a second to

explain what you have to do? Okay.

Now, you knock on the door and Marta will open it.

When she does, tell her that it's a surprise

because someone realized that she needed a pedicure.

And that she doesn't need to go out anywhere tonight

because she has all she needs at home.

At home? Okay?

Right. Shall I tell you again?

No need. I understand.

Okay. I'll shut the door now, leave it for a minute so I have

time to get to the garden.

Ah. But who will open the door then?

Marta. Didn't you hear me?

Oh yes, of course.

And I'll say:

"Surprise! I'll give you a

pedicure and you'll be so lovely you can go out anywhere".

No. Jesus. The opposite.

She mustn't go out on a date tonight because

she has all she needs here at home.

Shall I write it down?

No need.

I'm not a prostitute or daft.

It's obvious.

Okay. Okay?

Yes. I trust you...

Macarena. Macarena.

One moment!

Christ!

I am a surprise.

Well, yes...frankly you are.

Uh... You don't need a date tonight.

I'm here to do everything to you at home.

Er..are you a prostitute?

No! Again?

Me, manicure, pedicure at home.

Oh, I'm sorry!

Excuse me, sorry.

It's not that you look like one. Just that I saw you and...

And Pretty Woman. What I have to put up with!

Oh...

Anyway, I didn't order a...

No. Present from handsome boy.

Who? From... Álex?

He didn't say his name.

He's a friend of Paco.

Who is Paco?

Brother of Macarena.

Can I come in?

Sorry sorry. I know I'm late but...

I loved your surprise.

Uh... Really?

I didn't want to tell you so as not to stress you out.

Stress me out? You brightened up my day.

My God, that's great!

I have to admit I didn't think you liked those things.

I love them, it's what I wanted.

The girl is really nice by the way. Ah.

Have you spoken to her?

Sure.

I mean it is a bit difficult to understand what she's saying

but... I'm the same sometimes.

So you liked her?

Yes...she's a bit

odd. Looking maybe. At heart...

When I saw her I put my foot in it.

I thought she was a prostitute.

Excuse me? -Daddy,

when are we eating?

Okay, okay, we're coming.

Well she does look a bit strange,

but not so much that... No!

No, no. You misunderstood me.

No... No... No... No.

How could I say such a thing about you daughter?

No. I was talking about...doesn't

she remind you of Pretty Woman?

Shall we sit down?

Well, Marta is a designer.

Er... yeah, yeah.

And my vocation came to me when I was your age.

When I was small I had many dolls.

Don't you like playing with them and dressing them up?

Are you nuts? I'm 13.

Dad, are you getting mixed up with another dumb blonde airhead?

They get really cheeky if you speak to them like they're kids.

You can speak to them about grown up things,

like they were your friends.

What did you speak about today with Elisa and Giovanni?

Er... They asked me about your dick.

But why are you still here?

Oh, Marta say, if tomorrow other foot massage,

she invite me to dinner.

She's making the dinner?

No. She go to restaurant to dinner with better looking boy.

What? She's gone to dinner with Chorizo Boy?

I don't know. I no know Chrorizo Boy.

I don't believe it.

But how come she invited you to dinner if she's gone?

Oh. She say Javi will come saying that

he want to prepare dinner.

She said that Javi will come but she still left?

I no know Javi.

For you.

Thanks.

Well, I think I made a worse impression on them than I thought

they'd have on me.

It's just that I'm a touch, "child-phobic".

Look.

You normally like your own kids not other people's kids.

In fact that would have been a surprise.

Hey, and speaking of surprises,

you haven't mentioned my feet.

Er... Well...

Your feet... are...

lovely.

I really like the fact you realize what I need.

I feel safe with you and my feet do too.

And... I don't know if I dare ask something from you.

If you want me to suck you toes,

tonight I can't, but any other time you can count on it.

Er... Well.

I was going to ask you to accompany me somewhere

tomorrow morning...

See how spontaneous you are?

Er...

Lift it up a little.

Keep it there.

Before you say anything, I asked him to come

so he's ready to help in case of anyone fainting.

So you told him, right? During your romantic dinner?

I just came along to help if I can.

Don't touch my kid.

Excuse me.

It's okay, it's okay.

Javi, you're losing it.

I'm just here to warm the bench.

The match is in it's 90th minute and I scored the goal.

Well, a penalty.

What penalty? That's when you get married pregnant.

And when you marry someone

while the other one is pregnant, what's that? A free kick?

I know it's your child and that you'll be the first to hold it.

Of course I'll be the first. The doctor will be first.

The second. The second one is the mother.

The third one. Then I guess it'll be your father.

Then Nacho and Josemi, the uncles.

Then, I don't know, the grandmother will want a go.

She's in Mexico. We'll wait.

And, if not them, my dad.

You haven't spoken for months.

Well, Rafa and David, Giovanni and Elisa

and Diego and Carla. Josemi's kids,

Nacho's kid and Josemi's ex and Nacho's ex.

And I'll be number 27.

If we don't include the dog.

Javi, stop.

It's childish to worry just because we had a date. Why would you?

I don't know. Maybe I just got out of the wrong side of the bed.

Maybe because I'm all fingernails.

What do you mean? I don't know.

I just thought you might have been grateful for the surprise.

You gave her a surprise too?

I introduced her to my kids.

I'm sorry. I didn't think that you'd realize about my nails.

Because you don't trust me.

You don't think I'll be there for what you need.

Well, not without reason.

Okay, okay, but for this thing I'm going to be there.

I'll be there for this.

That I can believe.

Eh...

It's about the restaurant; I have to go

but I promise that if...

No worries, it's fine.

I'm going to the shop. Josemi's waiting for me,

he wants something or other. Okay.

Er...

Hello.

ARANJUEZ COURT

That's what's great about a village, you can park up close.

Finally. I can't believe it.

50 km listening to your brother giving me grief.

Did he have to come?

Of course, I'm a witness.

There aren't any at a divorce.

At Javi's, yes; to make sure he doesn't fuck it up again.

"And why me?".

To make a good impression.

So they can see my family is normal,

and that I'm not after anything.

If they don't like you,

perhaps your biological family aren't as nice as we are.

You are also my biological family.

There you go, there's nothing to worry about.

If your present family like you

surely they will too, right?

So why am I left out of the family Whatsapp group?

Well...

Er... Because...

Oh, oh!

Are you okay?

No... -Is it a contraction?

It can't be. She has a month to go.

First ones are normally late too.

Must be one of those Braxton contractions.

I've already had some.

Really? If you go into labour in the shop, I'll get hysterical.

Who shall we call?

The father.

That's just what you have to do.

Tell dad to go with you.

I'd sooner go on my own.

Are you sure you're okay? I'll stay if you want.

Yeah, I'm fine. Okay, off you go.

Marcial, hello.

Hello. Here you are then.

Before we begin I want to warn you about something.

The judge is retiring today.

So what? Do we congratulate him?

No. Just that he's a bit out there.

But don't worry.

Sorry. What does a bit out there mean?

What's wrong with the judge?

A bad temper?

Is he nuts?

Is he weird?

Is he loopy? Does he dribble? Has he lost it?

Yes. -Yes what?

Yes to everything.

But relax, he's just a bit of an odd judge.

Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh!

Another contraction?

Yes, that's four now.

And that's not so normal is it? No.

Gimme the phone.

No! Don't let go of my hand.

Please be patient. We'll be as quick as possible.

Eh.

Marta, you've got me at a bad time. Shut up!

I think I'm going into labour.

What? No way. There's a month to go.

Are you sure? "Ah!".

What was that?

A contraction. Where are you?

In the restaurant. What's happening?

You've got me at a really bad moment.

Fine, if you can't make it

you can come to the first communion and I'll introduce you.

One second.

I think Marta's in labour.

Javier, the divorce has to be now or never.

Relax, Javier, births always take time.

And how come you know about it? Because I'm Argentinian.

Because I'm a doctor, numbnuts.

How dilated is she?

Eh...

Marta, how dilated are you?

I don't know! Why don't you come and measure my cu...?

I don't think she has that data.

Patience, okay?

And as it's her first it could take several days.

Marta, calm down. David says it's normal for the

birth to take several hours.

What is not normal is that you're doing up a restaurant

with a doctor and I'm here about to give birth all alone.

Am I a flowerpot or what? "Calm down".

I'm on my way. Trust me. "I don't want to trust you!".

I want to see you coming through the door right now!

It's... it's... it's...

No, stay, Javier!

If you leave now, Marta will find out everything.

It's just 15 minutes.

Good afternoon.

Wah! Wah!

Wah, wah.

Get the car ready and wait. Okay.

Good afternoon.

Let's see.

Okay, it's not so bad, I think I can control it.

Marta, we have to go to hospital!

Maybe it's a false alarm.

I was talking about me, you've broken three fingers.

David, he's been looking at papers for twenty minutes.

This can't be happening.

And they say it doesn't hurt!

Like fuck it doesn't!

That's it!

Shall I take you? Knowing Javi he won't make it.

No. Knowing me he won't dare not to.

He'll be parking.

Fine.

We are gathered here to celebrate the matrimony...

of Javier Rubirosa

and Claudia Sampietro.

Sorry your honour, it's a divorce.

Who is the judge here?

You, you are the judge.

Oh shit, I hadn't realized.

So you are here for a...

divorce.

I understand. The parents separate;

but who will look after the

child?

Excuse me. I'm 42 years old and a doctor in an ontological clinic.

And I feel absolutely fine.

Feel my pulse.

But your honour. -What?

As I was saying, a divorce!

Thank you, doctor.

I'm the doctor.

So who are you?

Marcial Cifuentes, councillor.

Right, right! Understood.

Er...

Let's get on with the divorce...

Claudia Sampietro and Marcial Cifuentes.

Er... Javier.

I'm not Javier.

I'm Javier, the one getting divorced.

From Marcial. No, Christ, from Claudia.

So why did you tell me it was from Marcial, doctor?

I am the doctor.

As we were saying your honour.

That's it, I'm off.

Javi, we're nearly there.

Nearly where? It's like getting divorced by

Groucho Marx's grandfather.

Sentence passed.

Once things are explained to me...

You'll get an official letter in a couple of months.

Nacho, really, let's go.

I can't. Flat tyre.

What?

Why didn't you change it?

I don't have another one.

You don't have a spare?

Oh. Like I always carry one in the boot just

in case.

Numbnuts. Every car has one.

Seriously! How was I to know?

Okay.

If I have one, I'll change it, but get off my case.

Where's the wheel, clever clogs?

Thanks for coming, Joaquín.

How could I possibly refuse?

I couldn't miss the daft look on your face as you

try to work out where it was you came from!

I knew it; if you're going to be like that it's better if we go!

Son. Just on time!

We were just...

Who is this? Your grand-dad?

This is Joaquín, my step-dad. -Joa...

Ah, Joaquín, right, Joaquín. A pleasure to meet you.

I've heard so much about you.

Yeah, from Josemi I suppose.

No. Marieta, Marieta when... Well, you know, of course?

But no hard feelings. No, no.

Marieta is water under the bridge.

I couldn't care less.

Well, I'm so glad to hear that because...

I realize that it wasn't the right thing to do.

She spoke to me about a Joaquín, afterwards, if you get me

because when we got down to it she was...

pretty wild. Well, you know all about that?

What a woman!

Maybe we should go in.

Well I swear...

if I'd known she had a boyfriend,

I'd have done it, but in a different way, right?

She spoke to me but I didn't understand,

because she came when there was football on the TV,

while you went to the bar.

It was... You know, the...

World Cup in '82.

Just a second, just a second.

The '82 World Cup?

'82?

But in '82 I was

five years old... Ha!

You know what that means?

Sure, sure.

That when we were doing it, she didn't have a boyfriend.

She was married.

Well, that too.

And that this cretin couldn't have been your father.

-Dad, are we going to eat or what?

Who are they? -No one.

They are from Amazon and got the wrong address.

They wanted to unload a package on me that's not mine.

Oh my Lord!

I just found out you mother was unfaithful after five years

of marriage and I'm as made up as if I had

won the lottery.

What's that?

The list mum gave me of possible fathers.

I'm the father! I'm the father!

They're just towels.

Oh!

Another false alarm then?

Ah.

Are you okay?

And have you...?

No, relax, I just got here. I haven't picked up the baby.

A good job

because the first one to hold it should be the father.

Right?

Well, I was first.

The father.

Of course.

What? What? What?

It's a boy.

I don't know how you're going to sort this out dad, but somehow

you have to have me as well!