Original subtitles

With the collaboration of

Calm down, calm down... it's me.

What do you mean calm down? What are you doing with that knife?

Ah... well, I've got cravings.

But...

A craving to kill me?

No, gherkins.

Though I admit, I did think about it.

Marta, it's three in the morning. What do you want?

Gherkins.

I was going to open a jar with the knife

and there was a knife but no jar.

Didn't you want to be part of the baby's life?

Yes. Well, go and get some gherkins.

What do you mean "go and get..."?

Yesterday you wouldn't speak to me.

Yeah, and I'm not speaking to you. Don't mix things up.

I'm only asking you to buy some gherkins.

Yeah, at three in the morning, how very normal.

Okay great. On you own head be it. But don't complain

when the baby has a birthmark cos it'll be you fault.

Yeah, a gherkin shaped birthmark on it's forehead...

Marta, all that stuff about cravings and birthmarks...

is nonsense. Yeah.

And that mark on your ass what do you think it is?

Ah, you remember my ass.

Yes.

And do you remember I have a knife in my hand?

LITTLE COINCIDENCES

Created by Javier Veiga

Good morning.

Sorry, what are you doing?

You know you just can't waltz in here as happy as Larry.

I know. And as happy as Javi?

I thought that after last night you...

Sure, you bought me gherkins so I'm in love again.

Are you having gherkins dipped in muesli?

Are you the experimental food inspector by any chance?

No, but you are going around with my child inside you.

And it's eating that crap.

And so said the critic without having tasted it.

Tasty it isn't, but if you ever get constipated

this is like eating a kiwi dipped in laxative.

Well, you won't need it cos everything you do is crap.

You shouldn't be here. We have a deal.

I have to get ready, I'm going to the gynocologist.

I have to go with you.

Oh sure, we'll go along like a happy couple.

Who do you think you are?

I dunno. The kid's father?

I think in this case I have the right to go

to the check-ups, the pre-natal classes and to see the x-rays.

The scans, its a baby; I haven't sprained my ankle.

You see? You don't know the first thing about parenthood.

You know what? We are both beginning to learn about parenthood

but if you don't let me come along I'll never find out.

Okay.

You're right.

It would be great if you could be with me through all of this.

Do you know that thing about dogs that piss where they shouldn't?

They stick a piss-stained newspaper up their nose.

Eh... yeah.

Well, open your mouth.

Javi, you have to respect my space.

From now on I'll live my life and you can live yours

with your reviews, your friends, your cabin, your dates...

I'm not going to have any dates.

I don't think it's fair.

You won't be able to given your present state.

Excuse me? I can live a normal life,

I'm pregnant; not someone with bi-polar syndrome.

A little bi-polar maybe...

If I finish this sentence I'll be, getting another gherkin won't I?

Let's go home.

C'mon, move.

C'mon, let's go, that's it.

Hey!

See? I said he'd be back.

With his tail between his legs.

I'm not staying.

I'm here... cos I need your help.

Joaquín, I want to find my father.

But I'm your father. No.

The real one.

I need to know where I came from so I can understand why I'm the

way I am. And from that point on

I can be a new Josemi.

I'm sure your friend Chorizo boy put that dumb idea in your head.

But listen,

do you think that if I had known who your real father

was all these years that I wouldn't

have...? You would have told me.

I'd have sent you to live with him.

But I never knew anything.

When we got married your mother was already pregnant with you.

So...she was pregnant when you met?

No.

We'd been going out three years.

So perhaps you are my father.

No that's imposible.

Why?

Christ, cos I was a virgin.

Are you daft.

I thought your mother was saving herself for me.

And how did you know she wasn't?

Jesus, cos she got pregnant.

You really are dumb, aren't you?

-Hello.

What's he doing here?

Sorry, I've got irritable bowels, it was an emergency.

So you went to have a crap in my house?

I take the dog out

to crap in the street

and you bring him here to crap in my bathroom?

Sorry, but it's not the first time,

all those times I spent with Josemi in here.

Quiet. Quiet. I don't want to

think about what you get up to when I go out.

C'mon, get inside.

Great. A table!

Great.

What are you doing?

Why are you sitting down?

We met for a coffee, didn't we?

I thought it was a figure of speech and coffee was

really something else you wanted... like 'coffee'.

Well, you can't take everything for granted.

We can have a drink and see what happens.

Yeah, yeah, well...

Let's go home and have something? It's nicer than here.

-Hey Elisa. Lovely to see you. Quite a while.

We missed you.

Hey... How...? How's Jesús?

Truth be told I haven't seen him for a while.

Well, say hello from me.

What a guy that Jesús.

And the tips he left, wow, fantastic.

So... And for you? The usual?

Madam, I have to advise you that older pregnant women

have a higher risk of a difficult pregnancy.

You must realize your ovarian reserve is at a minimum

and it's probable your ovaries are not in the best condition.

Well I don't know which madam you are speaking to

or how older women get on,

but let me tell that my ovaries are of premium quality.

The father is even older, why don't you ask him about his spermatozoa.

Marta, it's not a competition. And if it was,

we'd have both won, right?

Do I take it for granted that you're still sexually active?

Excuse me, what does that have to do with the baby?

It's relevant information if we are to get a correct diagnosis

of her microbial flora.

Yeah but wouldn't it better not to have sex while she's pregnant?

On the contrary.

Well I haven't been sexually active lately,

but from now on I'm going to make up for it.

Do you indulge in any risky sexual practices?

"Risky sexual practices"? Fucking while bungee jumping?

Anal sex? Sex without a condom?

No, but if you recommend it...

Have you had a sexually transmitted disease?

Eh, I don't want to know. Thanks.

This is like a "Cosmopolitan" survey.

Can we get on with the x... I mean the scan?

I knew you wouldn't be able to forget about your dad.

I can; but did you really have to bring me to this fucking bar?

You were the one who sat down.

Look Nacho, this isn't going to work.

It's obvious that you can't let it go.

Let what go? That you slept with my dad?

I've already forgotten it.

Yeah, well I can't stop thinking about it.

About sleeping with my father?

No, not that.

Just that it's really weird.

I don't know...

how we can get over it.

If you want - to even things out - I'll sleep with your mother.

Idiot.

The worst thing is that I'm gonna have to leave that guy a tip so

he doesn't think I'm a heel.

Do you really think we can get over this?

Elisa, I'm with you and that's it.

I haven't thought about my father at all.

Okay...

I'll get the

bill and you can get a coffee at mine, son.

I can't believe it.

What's up?

Er... Just...

I can't believe it, I haven't got any change on me.

It'll be a little bit cold.

Ha ha.

Shall I hold your hand?

Dunno. Do you want to?

Don't move!

Oh... I mean. You have

to do this quite slowly because it's like opening

a present, you never know what you'll find inside.

Javi, I'm a girl not, a Kinder surprise.

Yeah.

But we don't know...

for instance if there's just one or suddenly

if there are more of them. Yeah.

Like six or seven.

Do you think that I'm a rabbit?

Something tells me that it's going to be twins.

An intuition.

Well no. There's only one.

No, that can't be right.

Have another look.

Maybe one is hiding behind the other one like kids playing,

you know what they're like. Don't be an idiot. There's one.

Is he okay? Don't worry.

I'm used to dealing with all kinds of idiot fathers.

Oh! The baby. Perfectly fine.

Would you like to know the sex?

No. Yes.

What for? I don't want to give myself a "spoiler".

A "spoiler"?

This isn't "Game of Thrones".

There are only two possibilities. You're not going to have a dragon.

Leave it, it's difficult to tell. Normal,

if he's a boy and like his dad,

there won't be much to see.

No.

It's because the fetus turned away when you started arguing.

Would you like to hear its heart?

Okay.

Listen.

Now you can give me your hand.

Ah, sorry.

Um...

I'm listening to your heart.

How can you be such a softie?

Hey...

great isn't it? All this time and I was...

scared that in the middle of it

you'd get an image in your head of...

Are you nuts?

How could I be thinking of someone else?

I only want to be with you, Nachete.

Are you okay?

uh...

Uh...

Yeah, yeah.

I know what's wrong.

It's my turn to leave a tip, right?

Uh...

Right?

No worries. I won't make you beg.

Eh...

That shut you up a bit, eh?

Oh!

But you shouldn't exaggerate.

Well, it's just that...

Ha!

Oh!

-What?

She's good, right?

Javi...

Are you asleep?

Javi. Agh!

Ah... Er...

I've got another craving.

Okay I'll get the gherkins.

No, not that.

Today I wanted... a cuddle.

So...here.

Hey...

now we're here, if you want me

to help out like the doctor said,

perhaps you'd like some cucumber?

You idiot!

I dunno why I ask you for things.

Cos you need me.

I've spent a month telling you.

I don't need explanations. I just wanted a cuddle.

It's not right you telling me I need you.

Well, you can't give, yourself a cuddle.

For that you need me. I can give you a thousand examples.

I don't want you to give me a thousand examples.

That's the last thing I need from you:

your clever-clogs' opinions.

You'd love to have a go at me about how I'm coping with my

pregnancy, wouldn't you? What? No way.

I've nothing to say on the... Go on, go on.

Well, now that you're asking

I think there are dietary things you're not doing very well.

I think there are things... Marta.

You are there, right?

What?

Can you explain

why both of you are here if there's only going to be one of you?

"Hi everybody"!

I'm Menchu.

Great that you all have brought someone along.

Before anything else I wanted to ask if any of you are over 35?

Marta and Javi, right? Welcome.

Have you done the amniocentesis?

Uh...

I did the catechism. If that's any use.

Sorry I don't know what it is.

The amniocentesis, I mean. I know what he is. A dick.

-It's a puncturing of the womb in order to

extract amniotoc fluid to check that everything is okay.

-I didn't do it cos it's risky for the baby.

But you should. -It's part of the process.

Like the episiotomy. -The postpartum period.

-Mastitis. Deformation of the uterus.

-But the important thing is that all of that is

compensated by the love you have.

-Well, let's begin.

I see you all have your mats. Take out your towels.

Haven't you got a towel?

No. I thought this was a pre-natal class not aqua-gym.

You should bring a towel, a water bottle and cream.

Well, I forgot them.

-It's cos you're not in the WhatsApp group. I'll add you.

What's your number.

Oh...

It's 652 421...

Hey, that's mine.

Right. So they can warn you and the next time you bring a towel.

No. They can tell you and you can tell me what I have to

do; seeing you like giving orders. -Here, take this.

I always bring a spare in case there's a newbee.

Thanks.

Don't put it like that. Stop criticising everything I do.

It's like you can't be bothered. And if I'm not, so what?

Nothing. If you want you can

roll around in someone else's sweat.

Okay, good idea.

What? Did you like that?

What the fuck is up with those two now?

Love stuff again?

-What are you talking about? Nothing wrong with me.

I'm fine mate. -I must be imaginging it.

-Christ, Paco, bring us a few nibbles, hey?

-The tiger never eats before fighting the dragon.

-What tiger? What dragon?. He's just a miser.

We're gonna lose this bar too.

Sure; you can't do things like that cos you need other people.

-What are you referring to? Everything.

Everything. Take this bar.

Now it's a disaster. It's fucked.

Why? Cos you and Paco did it all on your own.

If you need help you have to ask for help.

How could you have helped? I dunno.

Uh...Advising you for instance.

Like with nibbles. You can't hand them out one day and not the next.

That way you drive your customers crazy.

Like we have gherkins today but tomorrow you don't want them.

I didn't even want gherkins.

I just wanted a coffee, a real, coffee. And it all goes bonkers.

-Could you both let us know what the hell you're going on about?

Like what Nacho's saying.

I don't say that the customer is always right,

but it shouldn't be that I have the right of admission

then suddenly I'm not wanted in the house...I mean the bar.

I'm lost as well now.

Didn't you want to get pregnant?

Yeah, Christ, but like in the movies, a night of sweet sex,

a musical montage as my belly is growing,

the scene where I say, "Honey, my waters have broken".

But if this is a film it's a horror film.

I'm really sorry your pregnancy isn't like Jennifer Aniston's

but please, pull youself together,

I'm running the shop alone and it won't work without the 2 of us.

Oh that's great, are you going to critize me as well?

No, I'm asking for help which is not the same thing.

If we're together in this, we're in it together.

If we're not together, nothing works.

While I go fucking bananas.

Together.

You're right.

Thanks.

So then. Are you gonna help me?

No, but I'm going to talk to Javi.

Thanks.

I don't believe it.

BUSINESS FOR SALE

Oh!

The bar goes to hell again. So it wasn't only me.

Maybe you're both a bit useless.

-Oh, it's very easy to crticize, but do you think you could do it?

-Better than these two; it can't be so difficult.

-Yeah, but at least I wouldn't let my father

take over my bar. -What's that got to do with it?

-Nothing really. I'm having a go at you.

-Well have a go at Javi, the one who called you useless.

-Javi, you know all about the theory of running a bar

but as for getting back the mother of your son you need some practice.

They're two different things.

Yes. I'm just having a go. -Shall we all calm down a wee bit?

No, no. Rafa's right.

Theory is over. Let's get down to practice.

The first rule for running a bar is to have

good suppliers who bring the stuff back home.

-Eh!

And where are you going?

-Nowhere. I just got all exited for a moment.

What are you doing?

Showing you that I'm ready if you have more cravings.

So I don't have to bother you?

Right.

I mean no, no. I mean that...

Look, I want you to know that I'm here for...

anything you need.

Yeah but if I don't want gherkins,

if I want strawberries or lemons?

Uh...

Christ, Marta, I'll put a lemon tree in the garden.

I mean the only thing I want is that you know

that you can count on me,

that I'm here...

that the bar is aways open for you,

24 hours, a free bar.

What now? What did I say?

I don't want you to tell me that.

I mean, yes, but...

in fact, I came back to tell you that.

And if you're the one telling me, without me telling you

it makes me want to hit you over the head with a saucepan.

Well, if that's another craving...

We don't want the kid to be born with a saucepan shaped birthmark.

I don't know what it is I want.

On one hand I want you to hug me,

but I don't want you to touch me.

And I want you to be with me throughout the pregnancy

but I don't want to see you.

Yeah but...

I know that the fucking hormones are mostly to blame!

But if you tell me so you'll get it in the head.

Okay, okay, calm down.

Look, what matters now is the baby.

And what about me?

The one who's carrying the baby, what?

I'm really messed up.

Look Marta, what we should do now

is go out together to speak about it all calmly,

without fighting.

To go out?

And what do I eat?

If I have sugar then it's diabetes.

If I drink alcohol then it's, bad for the kid.

And ham means toxoplasmosis.

Marta, stop it, please. Listen to me.

You're pregnant not sick. And I'm trying to help you,

but if you yourself don't know what it is you want...

What I want is to be alone for a while.

That's what I want.

Go back to your cabin.

I do know what I want.

What I want is to rewind it all,

to wipe out our past and start over again.

Can you help me with that?

No, I can't do that.

Nor do I want to cos if we wiped the past, you and I

wouldn't be expecting a baby.

Do you want to erase that?

Hello. -Hello.

-Sorry, are we interrupting?

No, no.

I was just leaving. Bye then.

Would you like to have a drink?

But you can't drink.

-I bought some alcohol-free beer, thinking about you.

Thanks.

How considerate.

Well, maybe I will stay and have a beer with you.

If you want but you know you can't come in the house. Let's go.

Look, there's something important I wanted to talk over with you,

but it's family business.

I feel rather awkward.

Because of Alex?

No, Alex already knows, but...

He doesn't care.

Anyway he can't hear you.

I can hear you very well!

I need you to help me find my father.

Is dad lost?

My biological father.

Joaquín isn't your father?

Shut it, I'm speaking with my brother.

He's not your brother if Joaquín isn't his father.

Will you shut up!

Well, Josemi, I don't really know what to say.

Dad has always been your father. And he loves you...

in his own way.

-But he doesn't even use his real name.

And he calls you Chorizo Boy.

-I need your help, to get information out of mum

when you go back to Mexico

next week. But she's not going to go.

We'll see about that!

Why don't you ask her? I'm really embarrassed to.

Josemi, if you bring me another beer I'll talk to your mother.

-We've come at a bad time. No.

A bad time for me. He's always like that.

What are you saying? You are doing great.

You're pregnaant, not sick.

What you should do is go out and live a normal life,

have a drink, whatever.

Thanks.

You're right.

Hey! I just said exactly the same thing.

No, you said it by way of criticizing me instead of

just taking me out without giving your opinion.

Oh. And what should I do?

Grab you by the hand and drag you out of the house without asking?

Well, yes. Exactly. C'mon, let's go.

But...

Hey...

so if I bring more beer you'll speak with my mother?

If we carry on like this

one day my child will be asking who his father was,

just like you.

With a different hairstyle I hope.

No, stop! Stop! Stop!

I can't. Not on a motorbike.

I don't like it at the best of, times. And being pregnant...

We can go by...

Look...

I'm doing this just to spite Javi.

I shouldn't be using you this way, forgive me.

No worries. Truth is I have to go home to make dinner for the kids.

I didn't know how to tell you.

Okay great. That's the end of the shortest and stupidest date ever.

Aren't you gonna go in?

No. I'd just look pathetic.

I'll sit here until Javi goes back home.

I mean my garden. His cabin, that's to say.

It's too difficult to explain.

Especially on such a short date.

Wait! Wait!

I suppose that I owe you a beer.

We can have one some other time; if you come by car that is.

Okay, fine.

But on one condition,

I want you to ask forgiveness.

I just did. No, no, no.

No. Not cos of that. For giving me the name Chorizo Boy at school.

What? That wasn't my fault.

Josemi told me it was you.

Okay I confess. Forgive me.

You have to admit that

at school you did look a bit like a chorizo.

Forgive me.

And so? Are you up for that beer? Alex?

What do you think?

The most popular girl at school

asking out the loser with the chorizo in his hand.

I think I'll put it on Facebook, so the whole class can see it.

Last beer.

Tomorrow close.

-Cheers. -Cheers.

-Excuse me, what are you doing?

If you could go back in time and change something...

what would it be?

-Not losing the bar. Clear as daylight.

And you? -I'd have held on to the beer.

Seriously, David.

Not. I don't have a complicated life like you lot.

I'm happy.

You can't say that, Christ. Tell me something you'd do differently,

something you'd change.

Yeah. Would you mind stopping dictating to everyone else what

they should be doing?

Yeah.

Well, there you go that's what I'd change,

telling the rest what it is they should be doing;

giving my five cents worth instead of doing it myself.

-Like you'd ever stop doing that.

I refuse to be the one always looking in through the window.

Don't fuck with me.

You're going to pay up in order to give me back the bar?

Christ. Gimme a kiss. That's what friends are for.

No. I'm not your friend.

From tomorrow on I'm gonna be your boss.

-You're gonna buy the bar? No.

I'm going to open a restaurant.

I'm going to get a Michelin star.

-As you're one of their critics, it's a cinch.

No, I'm gonna give up criticizing. I'm leaving the job.

Anyway I need the severance pay to finance this.

Paco! Champagne for the four of us! We're making a toast.

Eh...

And my brother?

Hey! Uh?

I haven't paid you a tip yet.

Oh. Wait, wait.

I'm gonna put this on.

That's new.

One has to experiment.

Makes it more exciting?

You wouldn't have any earplugs you could give me?

What for?

No reason.

Cos...you shout so loud I can't concentrate, Nacho.

Just as well. I thought it was for another

reason; it's just my paranoia.

Excuse me, have I got the wrong house?

-Madam!

Your son is here!

-Hello, Diego, darling!

-No! Not the good-looking one!

The other one!

The wimp!

-José Miguel, what are you doing here?

-Mum, we have to talk.

Uh! What's going on? What?

Oh... I want an omelette.

What?

I have a craving for omelette and there aren't any eggs.

It's...well...

eggs shouldn't be kept in the fridge.

They keep better in the larder.

It's a common mistake. Everyone does it.

If you look in the larder you'll find the eggs.

You've got a nerve...

I should have offered to make the damn thing, shouldn't I?

Ok, off I go.

Just one minute more?

Just a minute or two. A little...