Original subtitles

Memory is an interpretation

not a record.

I wasn't there,

not for all of it

but I'll try to fill in the gaps.

Hello.

Hold on, Mom, I'm losing you.

Yeah.

Hold on, Mom, I'm losing you.

I'm in the stairwell, I'm not getting good reception.

Hello?

Mom?

Hello?

Okay, go ahead.

No, I know, I'll see you there.

What time?

Give me them library books!

Fuck, fuck!

It's just me, man.

Yeah, with a fucking deadly weapon.

What--this?

No, not when it's in its handy leather case, man.

Now it's a deadly weapon.

Richard.

What?

I'm not playing with you.

What?

Give me the library books, motherfucker!

-Fuck, Sean! -I'm sorry.

-Jesus Christ, I'm sorry. -Shit.

Look, I couldn't resist, man, come on.

Just fucking put it away.

It's fucking bad ass, isn't it?

Don't be jealous.

All right, fine, Richard, look, look.

I'm gonna put it underneath my bed, okay.

Okay.

I see Noopie's still out.

Maybe he's dead.

That's fucked up, bro.

So, although finals are over for most of you,

just please remember,

that of the students still on campus,

not all of you are in the same boat,

and, um

Hey, Mark,

can I borrow your attention for just

So, I know the last night of the term

is usually the big Snowmageddon party, but, uh

What's so funny, Mark?

So they changed the name since

No, it's still the?

Well, what's so funny?

You know

Look, you made it through your first semester, okay,

and no one wants to lose their housing

before they go home for the holidays.

It would make for a really sucky Christmas,

or Hanukkah--

Or Kwanzaa.

Or Kwanzaa.

You laugh, but Kwanzaa is a real thing.

I know.

Well, then what's so funny?

He's just stoned, can you finish your thing?

Stoned.

No, not like "stoned" stoned, I didn't mean that.

Like stoned on life.

Jesus.

You're such an idiot!

What's happening?

Nothing, Tom, just finish your thing.

What is happening?

Sean.

What is that?

It's unicorn blood.

Sean was my best friend for 15 years.

I'm working.

Today, he's a complete stranger.

I got a special assignment due tomorrow.

At the moment, he is trying to convince me

that my salvation,

and his,

will come in the form of pussy

tonight.

And it's gotta be in here

because if we go back to her room,

she's got this girl in her room that's in a wheelchair,

and she's like just always around, you know,

and, like, I got nothing against wheelchair chicks,

but, you know, it is really not conducive

to getting naked, you know?

Shit.

Don't open yet, don't open yet.

Don't open it.

-Hey, guys. -Hey, Tom.

So, you know there's, like, a party tonight, right, guys?

Really?

Yeah, the, uh, the Snowmageddon thing,

unless they changed the name.

We know, Tom.

Okay, cool.

Um, so as your RA,

I just need to sort of go over the rules

regarding, um, parties and stuff.

Well, you know, we've been here for months now,

we know the rules.

Cool.

Yeah.

Okay, um, it's just Sandra Ling

at Student Housing,

she just requested I go door-to-door

and sort of review the rules.

All right, Tom, go ahead.

It's just, it's, you know, it's my job.

We know, man, we know.

Hey, Tom, I'm trying to write a paper, man.

Yeah, sucks.

Tell me about it.

How many pages?

Tom, what are the rules?

Yeah, yeah, okay, all right, um

Okay, so,

these are all pretty standard.

You know, like, no drugs or alcohol are permitted

in Willard, but, you know, just don't let me see it.

You know, like, if I don't have a visual--

Yeah, we've been to the meetings, Tom.

And then there's, like, all these, like,

little nitpicky rules about, like, how many people

are allowed in a room.

I think it has something to do with the fire code,

I don't know, but, uh, yeah, there's a maximum.

-How many? -What's the number?

Five, five people.

Four is the maximum, five is a party room.

Okay.

But, you know, just again,

kind of keep that stuff under wraps.

Like, what I don't see won't kill you.

Um, I'm not a Nazi or anything.

Tom, how many rooms do you have to get to tonight, man?

No, it's cool man, like half the dorm's gone

for the holidays, so

So, there's no rush?

No.

Awesome.

Also, no weapons.

Well, that's no problem.

Yeah, anything else is fair game.

Tom, there's nothing about rape or murder in there?

I guess not, but, I mean,

that's off limits too, obviously.

Hey, uh, you should get your paper done

before your party starts.

I'm not partying tonight, Tom.

It's Snowmageddon.

Sean and I are gonna keep the room off limits,

right, Sean?

But even the Asian guys in the MMMS program

are decorating their rooms.

And then there's

us.

Anyway, you know, like,

let me know if you change your mind.

-All right, thanks, Tom. -Cool, man.

All right, I'll catch you cats later.

See ya.

Thanks, Tom.

Thank you.

It's my room too.

Richard, can't you get an extension, man,

for one day, for me?

I can't.

You can't or you won't?

I wonder if there was a way that I could, uh,

express this that you might understand better.

What would Yoda do in a situation like this?

What?

No, I'm just thinking

about how you bailed on Star Wars

to hang out with Noopie.

I'm very sorry that I missed

our traditional birthday circle jerk, Richard,

but come on, man, I hate the new Star Wars.

They suck.

They're affront to our entire childhood.

They're affront to movie history.

I am not gonna sit around watching

fucking Jar Jar Binks in a tiny dorm room with you

on a Saturday night in college, bro.

Come on, I wasn't trying to be a dick or anything, all right,

but--but you know what, fuck it.

I would go back and do it all over again,

'cause that was the night that I met Erin

and we fell madly in love.

I thought you were madly in love with Noopie.

What was that, Richard?

Nothing.

What's he doing in our room?

Beast, listen, last night,

Chi Fi basement foam party, man.

I'm there with Erin, dancing, grinding, man,

and I got, like, this sort of, like, half a chub going

up and down in between her cheeks, right,

and she's pretending that she doesn't notice it,

but, it's bullshit, you know, girls love that shit.

You know, that way they can pretend that they're still pure

while riding dick all night.

Just because there's a layer of denim

between my junk and your junk,

does not mean you're not riding dick.

You are riding dick, you know?

Who we kidding?

I'm digressing, but--

You sure know a lot about chicks for a vir--

Richard, don't jinx it for me, okay.

I'm gonna remain a v-word for like another month

if I can't close in on this tonight.

Can I continue?

Please.

Thank you.

So, out of nowhere, man,

who pops up from underneath the frothy sea of foam?

A shark!

No, man, fucking Noopie pops up, man,

and he's got, like, this smoking hot Si Si chick

straddling him, and they're like--

I don't know, they're, like, doing this--I don't know,

I don't wanna call it freaking but--

you remember freaking man?

It was like this, like,

pow,

pow.

I've never freaked, Sean.

It's not freaking, it's like this kinda like--

pow, pow.

Richard, Richard, is there a name for this?

I don't know, dry humping?

Anyway, so I was like, "Yo, Noop, man,

tomorrow night, Snowmageddon."

And his eyes went like-- ping!

Because he was like, fucking, he told me once

that he--he hooked up with, like,

this record number of chicks

in his freshman year at that party,

like seriously hooked up,

like with a record-breaking number of chicks--

Like Guinness Book of Records or--

Whatever, whatever, he had, like, some kind of orgy

or something, all right?

So I was like, "Yo, Noop, man, slow it down.

Save it for the main event tomorrow."

And he was like, "Fuck that, I'm sleeping

on your floor tonight, bro.

I hear there's a major fucking storm coming through,

and I wanna skip this storm bullshit all together

and wake up right at the party."

And, Richard, you have to admit,

that's fucking clever.

Yeah, it's brilliant.

You know, he's been laying there all day.

It's fucking creepy.

I hope he didn't piss himself.

Piss himself, no, man, that's not his style.

Well, Sean, pissing yourself is not really a style choice.

A scarf, or like, a hat is a style choice,

but if he pissed himself,

most likely it happened

because he's a fucking derelict drunk

who you dragged back here without even asking me.

Well, no, that's the thing, Richard.

I maxed out at like three AM.

I left Noopie at that frat party.

So

how did he get here?

Dude, man,

whatever's going on here with you, like,

you need to relax, man,

unclench your sphincter.

Are you aware that college is not like high school, man?

We can't get in trouble for having fun anymore.

I mean, we are living with women

with sexual appetites and time to kill.

I mean, we're living with women in their pajamas.

They go to class in their pajamas.

They go to dinner in their pajamas.

They party in their pajamas.

Richard, they're like always ready for bed.

You're not embracing the opportunities

that are right here.

What the hell are you talking about?

Melanie.

We're--we're good friends, Sean.

You need to talk to Noopie, man.

That guy's an expert on women.

He'll get you out of the friend zone

into the fuck zone.

All right, listen.

What, what's the matter with you?

Look, I'm not going after Melanie

because last week, my mom called--

What?

Fucking Giordano's, man, takes forever.

Hello.

Picking up.

You made someone walk through a blizzard

to bring you a pizza?

It's Giordano's pizza, man, what's wrong with you?

Can you hear me, Noopie?

Noopie?

Wakey, wakey, Noopie.

It's time to get up.

Can you hear me?

You're a clown, Noopie.

You're a fucking clown.

Hello.

Well, maybe you shouldn't be spending it all

on hunting knives and gin.

Yeah, yeah, I've got cash.

Yeah, I always have cash

in case emergency situations present themselves, like this.

That's why you called me.

I'm not bitter.

Fucking clown.

Noopie was a

black hole.

People

disappeared in him.

I'm just saying, man,

you should have money for gin and pizza

if you wanna buy gin and pizza.

Listen, man, if I give you a slice,

will you shut up about the money?

Sean.

What?

Where's Noopie?

I don't know.

There's only one way out of this building, right?

It's the magic of Noopie, man.

It's the magic of Noopie.

"Geek."

It just says "geek" right in the middle of my paper.

Yeah, it does.

Okay, well, he woke up, he called you a geek,

and then he vanished.

The guy's fucking magical.

See what I mean?

I insist.

Tonight's gonna be fucking rock star, man.

We are going to fucking make it rain.

Rain.

Yo, Noopie, man, you gotta tell me what happened last night

with that foreign chick, please.

I don't know her name, man, but that skinny one--

Cossack slut?

I had no idea what her name was.

She was a Czech exchange student.

I called her Svetlana, she corrected me,

called her Svetlana, gave her a bump of coke,

she stopped correcting me.

Beast.

She went through, like, a fist full of blow.

I had to call my guy and get a special delivery,

got her back to my room, like, five in the fucking morning,

she couldn't stop her nose bleeds,

so, no Czech poon.

Gross.

I don't strike out.

Coulda used you there, man.

To do what?

Sop up a nose bleed?

Nah, help me ease those panties off.

Girls,

they find you completely non-threatening.

You're my secret weapon, Flounder.

What is Flounder?

Flounder is my new nickname.

-Flounder? -Yeah, Flounder.

It's 'cause I--I'm starting to find my way in life now.

I think it's cool.

You know what's not cool, Flounder?

What?

This.

This is not cool.

Dude, we can make, like, gin and juice or gin and tonic--

You gotta walk past rum, tequila, and whiskey

to get to this shit.

I entrust you with buying the party lube

and you come back with a plastic, two-liter bottle

of this horse sweat?

Money's a little tight right now, so

Yeah, how's that pizza, Flounder?

Shut up, Richard!

This is some rookie shit.

I'm getting pretty sick

of this rookie shit.

What, man?

I'm just fucking with you!

Seriously, man, we gotta step up your game a little bit.

Chicks only fuck major leaguers.

Triple-A rides the pine like what's-his-face over there.

I see what you're saying--

Can you fucking clowns take this outside?

Snowmageddon, Chachi, study time's over.

Noopie, can I talk to you for a second?

W-T-Fuck, Flounder?

It appears that we can't use this particular room.

Your room?

My room.

Tonight?

Tonight.

Because?

Because Richard needs to finish a paper first.

Fuck that.

No, no fucking way.

I mean, how the fuck am I supposed to fuck

without some fucking privacy?

I mean, me, I don't give a fuck,

but the fucking tight-ass, prude-ass freshmen

that live here

yeah, they don't wanna lose their hymens

in the hallway, man.

Life of the big game tonight, man, the first timers.

That's why I'm even here.

Collectin' v-cards like scouts, motherfucker.

I know, man, but whatever, man, we can still have fun, right?

Fun?

Man, you call drinking crap, bottom shelf,

no disrespect, shitty gin,

and maybe, now this is a stretch,

maybe getting a HJ, or, God willing, a BJ, fun?

I wouldn't mind a BJ.

I been there, done that.

Yeah, well I haven't so much,

you know, so, looking forward to that.

-You really want a BJ? -Yeah.

Pull down your pants.

What?

Pull down your pants.

I will give you a BJ.

Noop, are you serious right now?

Sure, man, why not?

I could think of a reason.

Noopie, I don't--I don't--

I'm just fucking with you, dude.

Damn.

What about what's-her-name?

You like her, right?

Yeah, I do, yeah.

It's been a while, you got up in that yet?

Her name's Erin.

That's awesome.

Have you got up in that yet?

Well, I mean, we kissed a lot,

and, you know, it's mostly over the clothes,

you know, and some side boob, but, you know--

Sean's still a virgin.

And you aren't, Richard!

Okay.

Where to start?

Here's where to start, with the booze.

Let's get what's-her-face down here.

Erin.

Pour some gin down her throat.

Awesome.

This is not gonna be a party room--

It's a pre-party room, geek.

Richard, come on, man, we can't have one drink here?

-Come on. -One drink's gonna turn into

Flounder, Flounder.

To the pussy mobile.

Yes, sir.

This isn't gonna be a party room, man.

I know.

Then why are you setting up for a party?

What ya doin' here?

Writin' a paper?

Finals are

over, this some sort of special assignment?

I have to piss.

Don't lock the door, okay,

for Sean.

I'm trying to write a fucking paper, man.

Melanie.

I was trying to be quiet.

Come in, I'm so sorry.

Sit down.

No, thank you.

Okay.

I'm leaving tomorrow for the break.

Cool, you, uh, you excited to get back?

What?

I've been sitting in my room all day pretending to pack,

waiting for you to come over to apologize,

or to talk to me,

or see me.

Did I do something wrong?

My father collapsed last week

and he's going in

for open-heart surgery tomorrow.

My God.

And I'm going home to help out.

I'm so sorry.

I'm not, he brought it on himself.

I'm just going home to help everyone else.

You'll take a leave of absence?

I'm not coming back.

Look, I decided a month ago, okay?

It just--it took forever to get the paperwork and the tuition--

Wait a minute, if you knew you were leaving,

why did you spend the night?

Why did you let me do that?

Tell the truth.

When you found out about your dad,

part of you was happy.

Well, if I'm never gonna see you again,

I'm gonna be honest with you.

Look, if you wanna pin this on me being a pussy, fine,

but you're wrong.

What do you think is going to change

when you get back home?

What will be fixed?

Will you go back in time?

You'll be older, they'll be older.

You'll be

walking around like an alien in the wrong world or something.

Where are you going?

Knew it!

For real, you guys gonna be hanging out tonight?

Where's Richard?

Probably washing his vagina.

Your room is huge.

There's no smoking in here, man.

You know what, Richard?

Just because you're--

just because you're miserable

doesn't mean that I have to be, too.

I'm not going out in that snow, man.

This is why I skipped that Star Wars shit, man.

Just gonna sit around watching--

There's no smoking in here, man.

Laughing at the same fucking line,

hanging out with the same fucking people.

-What's wrong? -Nothing's wrong.

Where's your drink?

I drank it.

We gotta get you another one.

Noopie.

Hey, can I bum a cigarette?

-Dude, I'm gonna remember that. -No, you're not.

Richard, why don't you just chill the fuck out?

Because I don't fucking--

Flounder!

-What the fuck? -Shit!

I'm sorry, man.

Turn off that fucking music.

-What? -Just turn it off.

I'm sorry, man, it's fine, your computer's okay.

What were you thinking, man?

It was an accident.

Let me show you my side.

Who is it?

It's Tom.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Tom.

Hey, so, um, I don't mean to bother you guys,

but your music was pretty loud a minute ago.

Yeah, you know, we were thinkin' the exact same thing,

so we just adjusted the volume accordingly.

Okay.

Cool.

Um.

Yes, Tom?

It's just that, I thought that you said

your room would not be designated a party room

and I already put it down in the log.

They were just leaving.

Yeah, I initialed the entry.

Everyone's leaving, even me.

Okay, cool, 'cause I count, like, you know,

one, two, three, five people in here.

We know, Tom.

I'll leave.

That's four.

Okay, cool, that's four.

That's the maximum.

Everyone else is leaving, too.

Okay, very cool.

Sorry, guys.

Hey, do I know you?

Nope.

There's no smoking in the dormitories, man.

Fuck your mother.

Hey, man, I'm an RA!

Freedom of speech, bitch.

Tom, don't worry about him.

I'll take care of him later.

It's just

It's my job, you know?

Yeah, we know, Tom.

It's cool.

Hey, I don't make the rules, man.

We know.

If you guys wanna stop by later,

I've got like a bunch of fun-sized Three Musketeers

and Snickers, like Halloween-sized treats.

We'll do that, Tom.

Okay.

Cool.

We'll, I've gotta get back to rounds.

Sandra Ling from student housing,

she said she's probably gonna check in on everybody, so.

Hey, what are you smearing on their door, Jonathan?

Did they ask you to do that?

So, I guess Melanie was helping you type?

Got yourself a little secretary now?

You know, this is exactly why I said no from the beginning.

You almost destroyed my computer.

Well, luckily, it was closed, Richard,

which musta made writing your paper kinda hard,

You know, man, Noopie told me, man,

Noopie said that we should check one more time.

He said that you had a bottle of Champagne stashed away

and that the door was closed.

He said we should check one more time.

That fucking degenerate.

You know how long I tried with you, man?

You have any idea how long I've tried with you?

Man, you have no idea what you're talking about.

I have eyes, Richard.

Stop treating me like I'm a stupid baby retard!

Well, stop acting like a stupid baby retard!

I'm not gonna apologize for tryin' to have fun

in college, man.

You know, I was happy for you.

I was happy for you there for a second

'cause you weren't taking yourself so seriously.

You were trying to make a move on that girl.

Move, Shawn, what are you in some '80s rom-com?

Look, I was trying to write

and then Melanie shows up in tears

because after we hooked up,

and, yes, we did sleep together,

I bailed.

You know why?

Not because I'm an asshole,

because my fucking dad just had a fucking heart attack.

And I hate it here

and I'm leaving for good.

And I was trying to explain all of that to someone

who I think I'm in love with in the seven minutes of peace

that I've had since you started hanging out

with that fucking derelict.

But I didn't get to say any of it because you just

couldn't wait to start pounding gin.

Because you're too much of a pussy to just

fuck your fucking girlfriend.

How's that for wisdom?

Noopie tell you any of that shit?

What are you doing?

What the fuck's it look like?

You're an asshole.

Where's the fun vacuum?

He's takin' his tampon out?

Yeah, yeah.

You know, we shouldn't really--

That guy sucks.

Yeah, well, but whatever, you know, next year

I'll probably be living with Noopie,

so I won't have to deal with him.

Right, Noopie?

Absolutely.

Yeah, bang.

What was that?

That's makin' it rain, baby.

Rain what? Making what--

Pledge.

Hey, Erin.

You know who has two thumbs and really digs your style?

This guy right here.

You're so goofy.

Hey, maybe we should get going, I'm ready.

I'm kinda buzzed and stuff, you know?

My God.

I totally forgot.

What?

The super secret special surprise.

What is it?

Nothin', just, somethin' no Snowmageddon

should be without.

What, what is it?

Erin, I wish I could tell ya.

But, we've had our one drink,

and now we have to leave the room.

Right, Shawn?

I mean, we don't have to leave the room.

Richard said.

You know what, guys, fuck Richard.

Boom goes the dynamite.

Holy shit.

A shitload of smack.

You just been carryin' that around in your underwear

or something?

Remember that Czech slut I was tellin' ya about?

Turns out her boyfriend is a fuckin' townie kingpin.

That's gonna be my band name.

Shut the fuck up, Pledge.

You stole that from her?

I commandeered it.

Citizen's arrest.

You told me that you called up your guy,

the special delivery guy.

No, no, no.

She went to her boyfriend's nightstand.

Wait, you were in a townie house last night?

Noopie, I thought you said you took her--to your room?

Hell no.

With those nose bleeds?

I grabbed the bag and bolted.

I'm not gonna bring some herpes-ridden chick

war bride back there.

Now, Pledge, there's a band name.

Nah, doesn't have the same pop as townie kingpin.

I never tried coke before.

Is it serious?

No, it's not too rough.

You've tried it?

I've heard that it's not too rough.

Mickie, what's cocaine like?

Dude, awesome.

All right, let's just be quick though because--

All right, give me a credit card.

I have a debit card.

Come on, bro.

What?

I'm not charging you for the cocaine, dumbass.

I need to cut it.

Jesus.

How'd you get all that, man?

I was on a roll, brother.

I told you he was a townie kingpin.

This is fuckin' surreal.

It is awesome.

Blast suck.

I'm so nervous.

What?

Blast suck.

Power suck.

Is my head gonna explode?

My God, I'm so scared.

Shit.

Hey, hey, man.

Hey.

Listen.

Get the fuck out.

Listen, listen, listen, we were gonna finish up

and go before you got back, 'cause I know you take

long showers, you know?

Like a bitch.

Does anybody hear me?

Do you hear me, get the fuck out.

Man, please, don't be hostile, man.

These are my fuckin' friends and guests, please.

Man, I'm wet and naked and need to change

in my Goddamn room and write my Goddamn paper.

-I know. -It's your room, too, Shawn.

-It's my room, too. -There's nowhere else I can go.

There's nowhere else I can go, man.

Saw some outlets in the bathroom, man.

What?

There's outlets in the bathroom, man.

So why don't you take the party into the fucking bathroom?

Ridiculous.

What are you doing?

Just go, man.

Just go, go work.

Shit, man, that was intense.

Yo.

-Red. -What?

Shawn here tells me you got some hot friends.

I'm wonderin' where they are.

Everybody's gone.

Bullshit.

You got at least one friend hangin' out.

My friend Kennedy's here, but she sucks.

She DTF?

Please, no.

Hey!

You gonna call her?

Yeah, sure, whatever.

I feel like--I kinda feel like my heart is gonna like burst

outta my rib cage and start doin' some break dancing

on the floor.

You're welcome.

Pledge.

Horse race.

Shit, man.

I feel like I'm coming home.

This room, it's like an incubator.

Like, there's all of this noise outside,

and it's like cold and dark.

But this party, it's like a little baby.

No, this room is a womb.

We're witnessing the birth of something.

Note to self.

Get more push pins.

Note to self, get replacement push pin for snowflake.

All right, do it to it, little man.

Life is changing.

Gathering momentum.

Our whole world is changing.

I wanna wake up every morning fuckin' excited

about what's gonna happen next.

Like suicide.

Why choose that for yourself when all you have to do

is open your eyes and look and see

the color and the life and the energy?

There's so much cool shit.

And there's so much, you know?

It's like way more than we'll ever be able

to experience, and it sucks.

It makes me wanna like stay up all night

just reading books, you know?

Yeah, yeah, some people don't know how to live.

Yo, Red, are you gonna call your girl?

Where's she at?

No, no, no, no, no.

You know what this is?

You know what this is, guys?

Right now,

kids as adults.

Yes, kids as adults!

Like all the freedom and power of an adult,

but we get to play and have fun and live.

I love this.

Consider yourselves cleansed.

That's another thing!

Friends!

Friendship.

All you guys right now make this moment.

In this moment, right now, fuck the virtual world.

Fuck Facebook.

We're real.

Facebook doesn't have veins.

Facebook doesn't have a heartbeat.

Facebook doesn't have a soul.

I'm not gonna delete my Facebook account,

but this--this is the righteous fellowship

of souls communicating.

Like a vibration.

It's like a smell, you can smell it.

All of us is like this one great potential.

We could totally rule the world.

Us.

It didn't have to be this way.

Richard could rule the world with us.

Pledge.

Open your mouth.

All right, close your mouth.

Did I fuckin' tell you to swallow?

Open your mouth.

Now, hold fuckin' still.

All right, keep it closed.

And don't fuckin' swallow this time.

I'm gonna make a cocktail.

He's gonna explode!

Hey come on, man.

Hey, come on, man.

Shit.

That was perfectly good Capri Sun, Pledge.

Richard's gonna lose his shit.

Fuck that, flip it over.

What?

Flip it over.

Flip what over?

The bedspread.

That'll ruin the sheets.

Who pulled your string?

Hey, you know what, fuck it.

Yes, it's a party, shit happens.

It's a party, motherfuckin' shit happens.

One more line?

All right.

One more line.

Pledge.

Yeah?

Bitch, I'm not offering you a line.

Entertain me.

I'm sorry.

I lost my thought there for a second.

You see, I'm here talkin' to ya,

but also at the same time,

I'm thinkin' these thoughts in my head.

And the word's I'm sayin', they're on a totally

different plane that I have no control over.

And I'm watchin' it all spiral down

through people into another dimension.

And it's weird.

I feel like dancing.

So dance, motherfucker.

I think I'll just dance in my head to save calories.

I'm in the fucking Matrix right now, man.

You okay, man?

Booster shot.

Keanu Reeves.

Pledge, why do you wanna be in the frat?

I'm a Tri Chi, man.

Shit.

No one's gonna rip you down this time.

I promise.

What, there's more puke?

Fuck off.

He's fine.

Come on, boy.

Come on.

Wake up, Pledge.

Dude, what the fuck are you doing?

Wake up, Pledge!

Shawn, can you get the door?

Where are you going?

Shawn?

What?

Door.

Yeah.

Who is it?

It's Tom.

Hey, could you guys open the door for a minute?

I can't deal with this right now.

Maybe if we're all quiet,

he'll just go away.

Fuck.

Do you want me to take care of this?

You mean--yeah, yeah, yeah, just do it, do it, do it.

What are you gonna do?

Some Jedi shit.

Tom, right?

Yeah.

Come on in, man.

Yeah, okay.

Look, guys, all right, I think I'm gonna have to go

call this a party room now.

I'll change it in the log.

It's not a big deal.

Yeah, sure, man, whatever.

That's cool.

Okay, um

also, why does your white board

say no fat chicks?

That was me.

Why?

Well, someone wrote some gay shit, so,

I replaced it with some not gay shit.

Okay.

It's just that can be construed as hate speech,

and all of the residents halls have been deemed hate free zone.

I'll erase it, Tom.

Bullshit, you will.

You want a bunch of fat chicks comin' in here?

Drinkin' our hooch, eatin' our snacks.

That's really inappropriate.

Did you say hooch?

Yeah.

Yeah, we have gin.

I can't say I didn't see all this stuff, man.

This is like an automatic write-up.

I'm gonna have to confiscate it.

I should call university police.

Tom, Tom.

You don't wanna do that.

I see that hair.

All that flannel.

You want a line?

No, I don't.

Here, Tom.

Have a line, on me.

No, man.

You tellin' me you've never done cocaine before?

That's not pertinent to this scenario, man.

All you had to do was hide it from me.

I'm gonna lose my scholarship.

And Sandra Ling from student housing, she said she was

probably gonna come in and check on everybody

and--I don't know, she's new, man.

And I feel like she thinks she has somethin' to prove

or something, I don't know, just put everything

in a backpack and let me call UP, man,

'cause I--don't like confrontations, man.

I'm really sorry, guys.

Sandra Ling, man.

I'm gonna go to the restroom.

I'll get a wet paper towel, and we can get that up.

Stop!

Stop!

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Yeah, steal my coke now, you little bitch.

What the hell did you just do, man?

Dude, he's fine.

He's fine, how long is he gonna be out like that?

Long enough to stuff him in a closet.

What?

What else you wanna do with him?

I have no idea.

Look, Shawn, this is not nearly as bad as it seems, okay?

It could've been so much worse.

How?

How, I could've killed him.

I could've, but I didn't.

What happens when he wakes up, man?

Are you gettin' fresh with me?

No--

Then grab his fuckin' feet.

Is that it?

Stand up straight.

You're posture's terrible.

This is the plan?

I mean, his room is like right across the hall, you know?

We could at least put him in his own bed

or something, I don't know.

And how are we gonna lock him in his own room?

You wanna lock him in here?

No, I want him to wake up and call the cops

so he can ruin our party some more.

What's that?

Forget-a-lots.

What?

The devil's tic tacs.

What are you talking about, man?

Are you fucking stupid?

It's a roofie.

What the fuck, you just carry that shit around in your pocket?

It's a fuckin' Friday night, Shawn.

Anyone have a key to this room?

No, just Tom.

Bingo.

Hey, don't anybody step in that.

I'm gonna come back for it.

Thanks, Mom.

So that happened.

What happened?

What are you doing?

Gymnastics, what does it look like I'm doin'?

Since when do you smoke?

Why are you looking at me like that?

I hate cigarettes.

They make everyone smell like death.

Are you kidding me?

What?

My first memory of you is like emerging from this fog

of cigarette smoke at this party.

I didn't even smart smoking until I saw you doing it.

You made it look sexy with your lips around the

I'm like up to a pack a day now because of that imagery.

You're tellin' me you're done smoking?

I was just trying it.

It was like a thing, you know?

You know, I bummed my first cigarette to stand next to you.

Ew, I didn't know that.

Why didn't you just come talk to me?

I don't know, and what, and say what?

I had no idea you were like--

So what?

What, I'm just tryin' to open up here.

Look, you want me to put this out or somethin'?

All right, look, here, give me one.

No, forget it, the sexiness is gone.

We've built it up too much.

God.

Just, give it to me.

Is this sexy enough for you?

Are you making fun of me?

I'm trying to turn you on.

Stop yelling at me.

Don't tell me what to do.

Nobody tells me what to do anymore.

"I owe you a million sorries."

What?

Not you.

"I owe you a million sorries, and I can't even find

the courage to offer one."

What are you doing?

Shut up for a second, listen to this.

I've never been with a girl before.

Holy shit, listen to this.

"The last two months have slowly worn me down.

Maybe it's school, maybe it's Sha--

Maybe it's Shawn."

Fuck that.

"Maybe it's me."

Yeah, you think?

Is that Richard's?

This is exactly what I'm talking about, this cry baby shit, man.

Life is hard, buck the fuck up.

Why are you yelling at me?

"I'm not apologizing for sleeping with you

because I wanted to and you wanted to.

You said, 'This is okay' and I said, 'Okay.'

And then, all of a sudden, it's five a.m.

and I'm still naked

and the sun is coming in, and I realize you're

the first person to see me naked

in my entire adult life.

I start wondering if I'm allowed to be naked in your room

because they don't mention it

in the orientation pamphlets, you know.

I don't mean, like, there must be rules about this.

I just mean it's undefined territory for me.

People tell you college is the best four years

of your life, and they wink,

and you know what they mean,

but they never say anything about, okay,

when you wake up naked in broad daylight

next to your first girlfriend,

here's how to gracefully exit.

And for some reason, naked in daylight

feels so much more naked than naked at three a.m.

But I don't mind.

I ran because I need to finish finals,

and I need to pack, and I need to get ready

to leave this place for good."

"I'm sorry.

I'm sorry because I knew I was leaving

and I didn't want to tell you

because I wanted to be able to come back

even though I'll never come back."

"You have a secret, you said, and so do I.

Well, here's mine, and it sucks,

and I'm sorry."

What?

It's really pretty.

I'm going outside for a smoke.

Melanie.

What do you want?

Can we please talk?

I can run, too, see?

Can you--can you stand still?

No.

How does it feel?

Look, I--I get it, you can stop.

No you don't, Richard.

We were friends first.

We were friends.

I still wanna be friends.

-Then don't lie to me. -I'm not.

You're lying right now.

If we were friends, you wouldn't hide from me.

And then you wouldn't come find me

only to lie to me.

I--I don't know what words to use.

I--I--I don't know, I just

I went looking for them.

You went and hid like a scared little girl

while I sat there waiting.

-I-- -Again.

-I wanna be your friend. -From 300 miles away?

While I go to school and you do what?

I don't know.

-That's not an answer. -It's the truth.

I know what you want,

but the world doesn't wait for you.

You don't get to say when.

Hey, bitch, are you wasted?

Not really.

I just got done rockin' out with Brian and the Phi Pis.

They made me finish this Goldschlaäger.

It has real gold flakes in it.

Like, they told me that it would make me shit gold.

I think it's bullshit.

Butcan you imagine?

How awesome would that be?

To be able to trade in my shit for UGGs,

or, like, a car.

Brian was wasted.

He's so into me, which is awesome.

He starts pushing my head down,

and then his friends jump out of the fucking closet.

So I pretended to cry and, like, ran out, and like

got halfway home and realized that he wasn't there,

and I was like, "What the fuck?"

But, like, he's probably gonna text me at, like,

four in the morning to make me come back, so

I love him.

So where's all this coke that you texted me about?

On the floor, I think.

Holy shit, man.

Who are you?

Yo, Red, who's the new girl?

Kennedy, like the famous one.

John?

-Jamie.

I like you.

Ew, this guy's creepy.

Erin, you girls ever kiss before?

Noopie, don't be weird.

It's just a question.

Look

I'll go first.

I've never kissed your friend Jamie Kennedy.

Have you ever kissed Erin?

Maybe.

Shut up, Kennedy.

I dare ya.

Shut up.

Are you scared to kiss a girl?

What are you scared of?

I've kissed a girl before.

Really?

Erin, how long you been in college?

You've never kissed a girl?

No.

I dare you.

Fuck that, I'm not scared.

She is.

I'm not scared.

I'm tired and have a headache.

I bet you never fucked a girl before.

How do you know?

I like your glasses.

I can't tell if you're making fun of me.

How crazy would it be to fuck a girl?

Have you ever thought about it?

I'm 19, of course I've thought about it.

Yeah, but

would you?

You wouldn't even take off your bathing suit

in the hot tub.

There's no way you'd hook up with a girl.

-I have, too. -Who?

Some girl from high school, you don't know her.

You got naked with chicks in a hot tub?

You little slut.

I don't know.

Hey, why are we even talking about this?

What about tonight?

My first time's not gonna be with some girl.

You're right, Red.

You know, you should take it easy your first time.

I had these friends rush into it,

Zack and Kelly.

They got so awkward afterwards.

Yeah, so

On the other hand, it is college.

Now, you can't tell me you're never gonna

hook up with a girl.

Your friend here is down.

The door is closed.

Ew, Noopie, don't be weird.

What?

What?

How many chances do we get?

And how many times do we end up here?

Sometimes

you just gotta do.

Just gotta stop thinkin', and

just

do.

I bet you put a bunch of roofies in here.

Would I do this?

What the hell are you guys doing?

Did you see that, man?

Coulda had fun with that.

Get out.

Get out.

Where's my phone?

Get out of my room, please!

My God.

Psycho much--Jesus.

I liked her.

Where is Richard?

Who are you?

You're not gonna remember anything I tell ya.

Who are you?

I'm Tom Cruise.

What?

It's me, Spiderman.

Can you take me to my room?

Legally speaking,

that is consent.

Where's Richard?

Where did Richard go?

You're not making any sense, take another sip.

Look at me.

Look at me.

I wanted to say goodbye to Richard, and

I'm not gonna get to say goodbye.

Sometimes it's better that way.

No, it's not.

I wanna say goodbye.

Are you Richard's friend?

I don't even go to school here.

Fuck Richard.

Don't say that.

I wanted him to be permanent.

Right now,

things are a little fucked up.

Well

they're a lot fucked up.

I wish we could meet in 10 years for the first time.

What?

Who are you?

I'm scared.

Me too.

I'm scared it's too late to start over.

It's not too late.

Have you ever just wanted to rip off your skin

and start all over?

Sometimes, I

pray that I'll

wake up and

get to do it all over.

That ain't gonna happen.

I know.

So we have to live in this fucked-up world.

Yeah.

Or we don't.

What do you wanna do?

Jump.

I heard you have blow in here, man.

Do you have any coke in here or what?

Well, I got somethin' better than coke.

Too bad nothing is better than coke.

That's fuckin' good.

Hmph.

What are you doing?

You want some coke or not?

Seriously, what is she doing?

She's gonna jump out the window.

Holy shit.

I know.

Why?

It's complicated.

- What are you doing?-

Don't shush me, fag.

Britney's song was on

Fuck.

Britney's song was on

You fuckin' laugh at me.

Talk to me, goose.

Okay, hold on, Melanie.

Hold on.

I'm gonna get you out of here, all right?

Gonna get you to the hospital.

Everything's gonna be okay.

Just hold on.

We'll get there.

I just need to get you down the stairs.

Okay?

God, I'm so sorry.

I'm so fucking sorry.

Let's do this real slow, okay?

We're gonna have to go down the stairs.

God!

Hold on, I'm gonna get you out of here, all right?

Gonna get you to the hospital.

Everything's gonna be okay.

Tom, Tom!

I'm comin' for ya.

Okay, here it is, here it is, yes.

Stop, Noopie, stop!

Tom!

RA!

Stop it, Noopie.

I'm stronger than you, Tom.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay, okay.

-Okay, Tom? -Yeah?

RA?

Yeah?

Truce?

Really?

Truce.

You serious?

For reals.

Okay.

Little bitch!

All right, I just-- I just need to rest.

I just need to rest for a second

before I take this last part.

Okay.

What is evil?

People talk about evil like it's some mystical force.

Richard!

Sure.

It's out

there,

but evil can be hidden in a smile

across the room.

Hey, Dick!

I'm coming for you, Richard.

Now we escape down this water

This is the last moment I ever shared with Melanie.

She went home and never came back.

I don't know who did more damage:

me

or Noopie.

There, there, we'll fight them

Lamps out and sun down,

hang your planets round

Light breaks so far away

And I've got a long, long way to go

Wonder my love lies, a poor peace

A long, long way to go

Cure me, my scars then

All, is it bright when

two ways to beg them

Treasure buried down, long way to go

Hold on, hold on

Hold on, hold on

Holding on was never as hard as it is right now

Holding on was never as hard, and I can't get out

Holding on was never as tough, and I can't get out

Hold on, hold on

Hold on, hold on

I guess the list has been made, am I on it?

Or will I just be pissed at my station, I got it

Maybe a second opinion, what lies in a take on it

To pull my mind from the gutter

for another distant friendship

Bitter to spare, who cares, I'm not there anyway

Just a ghost of what a conversation is right for

Poor decision making, now I suppose I'm stuck

with this life

Just living on the couch so they never stop

Hold on, hold on

Hold on, hold on

Hold on, hold on

Hold on, hold on

Hold on, hold on

Hold on, hold on