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1
00:00:02,600 --> 00:00:03,850
I'll be honest.
When we first heard "CSI",
2
00:00:03,852 --> 00:00:05,732
we hoped to be auditioning for
3
00:00:05,731 --> 00:00:07,231
America's favorite franchise.
Yeah, I was excited
4
00:00:07,234 --> 00:00:09,114
to finally get the opportunity
to prove
5
00:00:09,112 --> 00:00:10,822
that Marg Helgenberger and I
aren't the same person.
6
00:00:10,824 --> 00:00:13,044
Nope. CSI stands for
casting stand‐ins.
7
00:00:13,037 --> 00:00:16,417
I'm stand‐in super agent,
Stan Din.
8
00:00:16,418 --> 00:00:18,628
He's serious.
So, you know how this works.
9
00:00:18,632 --> 00:00:20,842
You can't expect stars
to stand on their marks all day
10
00:00:20,844 --> 00:00:22,264
while the crew lights them.
11
00:00:22,264 --> 00:00:24,694
So, you stand in.
12
00:00:24,686 --> 00:00:26,646
It's kinda like being a star
on the set of your own show,
13
00:00:26,648 --> 00:00:28,228
only nothing you do
will ever be seen
14
00:00:28,234 --> 00:00:29,954
or matter to anyone.
15
00:00:29,946 --> 00:00:31,656
But it pays $200 a day, right?
16
00:00:31,658 --> 00:00:34,288
250 if you're a close enough
match from behind
17
00:00:34,288 --> 00:00:36,838
for the shots the stars are too
important to show up for.
18
00:00:36,835 --> 00:00:38,045
Is that why the head shots
of all your clients
19
00:00:38,045 --> 00:00:40,255
are from behind?
Mostly.
20
00:00:40,258 --> 00:00:42,138
In fact,
if you guys can swivel around
21
00:00:42,137 --> 00:00:45,807
for the rest of this interview,
it would be a huge help.
22
00:00:50,863 --> 00:00:52,663
This is so degrading.
23
00:00:52,658 --> 00:00:54,618
We should be collaborating
with people we admire,
24
00:00:54,620 --> 00:00:56,460
not standing in for them.
I know.
25
00:00:56,457 --> 00:00:58,247
This is bullshit.
Let's just go home.
26
00:00:58,252 --> 00:01:00,052
Looking at you from
this angle,
27
00:01:00,048 --> 00:01:02,598
you're perfect for
a high‐end gig. Interested?
28
00:01:02,595 --> 00:01:04,135
both: You bet we are!
29
00:01:04,139 --> 00:01:05,559
So, tomorrow,
30
00:01:05,559 --> 00:01:07,859
LOGO
is shooting their upfronts
31
00:01:07,855 --> 00:01:11,315
to announce their new lineup
and debut their new tagline
32
00:01:11,320 --> 00:01:13,030
since RuPaul left the network.
33
00:01:13,032 --> 00:01:16,042
"LOGO: Under construction.
Bear with us."
34
00:01:16,038 --> 00:01:18,208
Oh, and it's a bear with
a construction cap,
35
00:01:18,209 --> 00:01:20,419
and he's shrugging.
They need stand‐ins
36
00:01:20,421 --> 00:01:22,761
for Eric McCormack
and Debra Messing.
37
00:01:22,760 --> 00:01:24,970
Oh, my God! That's perfect.
That's perfect!
38
00:01:24,972 --> 00:01:26,432
Yes! They asked for
homelier stand‐ins
39
00:01:26,433 --> 00:01:28,063
with their hair color.
40
00:01:28,062 --> 00:01:29,442
If lighting
can make you two look good,
41
00:01:29,439 --> 00:01:30,939
they got nothing
to worry about.
42
00:01:30,943 --> 00:01:32,243
I'm so numb
43
00:01:32,237 --> 00:01:33,907
that my feelings
aren't even hurt
44
00:01:33,907 --> 00:01:35,277
by what you just said.
45
00:01:35,284 --> 00:01:38,424
I'm just so happy
we have a job!
46
00:01:38,416 --> 00:01:40,126
We have the job, don't we?
47
00:01:45,639 --> 00:01:48,439
[feet shuffling on floor]
48
00:01:49,647 --> 00:01:51,067
Hmm.
49
00:01:51,066 --> 00:01:52,606
Are you jerking off?
50
00:01:52,611 --> 00:01:54,991
You want me to?
51
00:01:54,991 --> 00:01:59,041
[driving punk rock music]
52
00:01:59,040 --> 00:02:00,540
What's going on, Mom?
53
00:02:00,544 --> 00:02:02,264
I have an audition
for "Nashville"
54
00:02:02,255 --> 00:02:04,295
to play the ghost
of Connie Britton from behind,
55
00:02:04,301 --> 00:02:06,431
and I have a lot of deep
conditioning to do.
56
00:02:06,430 --> 00:02:09,480
Well, as you know,
my 65th birthday
57
00:02:09,478 --> 00:02:12,568
is just around the corner.
Oh, right, of course.
58
00:02:12,568 --> 00:02:14,988
You're asking me for a favor.
No...
59
00:02:14,989 --> 00:02:17,949
I'm going to redeem
a coupon.
60
00:02:17,953 --> 00:02:20,253
Mom, this is from, like,
30 years ago.
61
00:02:20,249 --> 00:02:22,249
Isn't that adorable?
62
00:02:22,253 --> 00:02:24,383
That you didn't include
an expiration date.
63
00:02:24,382 --> 00:02:26,302
Which leads me to my birthday.
64
00:02:26,303 --> 00:02:29,393
I'm going to celebrate
by officially becoming a woman.
65
00:02:29,392 --> 00:02:31,442
You're getting vaginal
rejuvenation surgery?
66
00:02:31,438 --> 00:02:33,068
I told you,
I don't need that.
67
00:02:33,067 --> 00:02:35,447
I've always wanted
to have a bat mitzvah,
68
00:02:35,446 --> 00:02:38,866
and your one nice thing is that
you're gonna plan it for me.
69
00:02:38,870 --> 00:02:41,420
Mom, a bat mitzvah's
a huge headache.
70
00:02:41,416 --> 00:02:44,166
Don't you remember mine?
The Torah classes,
71
00:02:44,172 --> 00:02:46,852
the theme, the venue...
I made you a mood board
72
00:02:46,845 --> 00:02:49,425
so you can see the kind of
things I'm looking for.
73
00:02:49,432 --> 00:02:51,862
Okay, that's a beach.
74
00:02:51,855 --> 00:02:53,935
That's Jessica Chastain
winning a Golden Globe.
75
00:02:53,942 --> 00:02:56,112
I don't see how this
translates to your bat mitzvah.
76
00:02:56,113 --> 00:02:57,833
All right, I tell you what.
77
00:02:57,825 --> 00:02:59,905
Why don't you just handle
the cake, the invites,
78
00:02:59,912 --> 00:03:02,252
and you write me the greatest
toast of a lifetime!
79
00:03:02,250 --> 00:03:04,090
Mom, that's a lotta work!
80
00:03:04,087 --> 00:03:05,757
What makes you think
I have that kind of time?
81
00:03:05,757 --> 00:03:08,257
I follow your Instagram.
82
00:03:08,262 --> 00:03:10,392
So how does this work?
You visualize what you want
83
00:03:10,391 --> 00:03:12,731
and then you just get it?
Because all I do is
84
00:03:12,730 --> 00:03:14,570
keep cutting out pictures
of Nick Jonas.
85
00:03:14,567 --> 00:03:15,817
Mm.
Oh, scissors!
86
00:03:15,819 --> 00:03:17,529
It's the cast of "Bewitched."
87
00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:19,791
The Nicole Kidman remake?
Yes, exactly.
88
00:03:19,785 --> 00:03:22,875
I need to stab myself.
No, it's the old one.
89
00:03:22,875 --> 00:03:25,245
I love your stories
about how obsessed you were
90
00:03:25,254 --> 00:03:27,094
with old '60s TV shows
91
00:03:27,091 --> 00:03:28,931
when you were a weird
little gay boy.
92
00:03:28,928 --> 00:03:30,428
Did I ever tell you
that I once
93
00:03:30,431 --> 00:03:32,101
wrote a fan letter
to Mickey Dolenz?
94
00:03:32,101 --> 00:03:33,611
What?
Yes. To ask him advice
95
00:03:33,605 --> 00:03:35,185
on what to do with
my curly hair.
96
00:03:35,191 --> 00:03:36,991
And he never wrote back?
What a dick.
97
00:03:36,986 --> 00:03:39,946
Neil Kaplan is in a coma?
Who is that again?
98
00:03:39,950 --> 00:03:42,000
His name is familiar.
He's a big showrunner.
99
00:03:41,996 --> 00:03:44,536
He did that Gina Gershon
sitcom, "Dumb Whore"
100
00:03:44,543 --> 00:03:46,343
about the absentminded
prostitute
101
00:03:46,338 --> 00:03:48,678
with a peanut allergy.
Yes! I remember that.
102
00:03:48,677 --> 00:03:51,927
Why wasn't it called
"The Nutty Hooker"?
103
00:03:51,933 --> 00:03:54,023
I have no idea.
104
00:03:54,020 --> 00:03:57,320
Oh, but, hey, you can put
Neil on your dream board.
105
00:03:57,318 --> 00:03:59,448
Maybe you can get his job
if he dies.
106
00:03:59,447 --> 00:04:02,157
Oh, that's a great idea!
107
00:04:02,161 --> 00:04:04,921
Is it sad that a comatose
showrunner
108
00:04:04,917 --> 00:04:08,377
is something I can only
dream to be?
109
00:04:08,382 --> 00:04:10,472
No.
110
00:04:10,469 --> 00:04:13,769
♪ ♪
111
00:04:13,768 --> 00:04:15,938
Is there a Billy Epstein
here?
112
00:04:15,939 --> 00:04:17,529
Oh, my God.
113
00:04:17,526 --> 00:04:19,856
Oh...my...GOD!
114
00:04:19,864 --> 00:04:22,034
Mickey Dolenz?
Yes, I'm Billy!
115
00:04:22,034 --> 00:04:23,454
I was just thinking about you
the other night!
116
00:04:23,454 --> 00:04:25,004
I put you on my dream board!
117
00:04:24,999 --> 00:04:27,049
I came to personally
thank you
118
00:04:27,045 --> 00:04:29,375
for your letter.
What?!
119
00:04:29,382 --> 00:04:31,092
Is this from 30 years ago?
120
00:04:31,094 --> 00:04:33,564
I cannot believe this.
Look at this.
121
00:04:33,558 --> 00:04:35,388
Look at my handwriting!
122
00:04:35,394 --> 00:04:37,944
Oh, I was so gay, even then.
Well, it looks like
123
00:04:37,941 --> 00:04:40,281
you got the curly hair thing
all worked out.
124
00:04:40,279 --> 00:04:43,239
Anyway, I've been doing
some introspection.
125
00:04:43,243 --> 00:04:45,963
I don't think I was as grateful
as I could have been
126
00:04:45,957 --> 00:04:48,417
back in the heyday
of "Monkeemania."
127
00:04:48,420 --> 00:04:51,510
So I'm thanking all my fans
for their letters.
128
00:04:51,510 --> 00:04:53,140
I'm up to the Es.
129
00:04:53,138 --> 00:04:55,558
You're the seventh Epstein
in Manhattan.
130
00:04:55,560 --> 00:04:57,360
I know, there are so many
Jews here,
131
00:04:57,355 --> 00:04:59,395
including Jared Kushner.
Why am I talking about him?
132
00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:01,780
Mickey Dolenz!
Oh, my God!
133
00:05:01,781 --> 00:05:03,541
Well, I better get goin'.
134
00:05:03,535 --> 00:05:05,075
Gotta catch the last train to‐‐
135
00:05:05,079 --> 00:05:06,709
Clarksville!
Massapequa.
136
00:05:06,707 --> 00:05:08,457
70‐year‐old woman there
137
00:05:08,460 --> 00:05:11,470
who sent me a pair
of her panties back in '78.
138
00:05:11,466 --> 00:05:13,806
She wants me to take her
to see "Jaws 2."
139
00:05:13,805 --> 00:05:15,265
[chuckles]
140
00:05:15,266 --> 00:05:16,976
[clicks tongue]
Well, okay.
141
00:05:16,978 --> 00:05:19,018
Bye, Mickey Dolenz!
142
00:05:19,023 --> 00:05:20,363
Thank you!
143
00:05:20,359 --> 00:05:22,869
"Malala signs with CAA"?
144
00:05:22,865 --> 00:05:24,865
Hasn't that girl
suffered enough?
145
00:05:24,869 --> 00:05:26,449
Hello, farm to table.
146
00:05:26,454 --> 00:05:28,714
What a long day.
[door thuds closed]
147
00:05:28,710 --> 00:05:30,500
It is pilot season at PBS.
148
00:05:30,504 --> 00:05:32,384
The shows are so strong,
it's gonna be hard to pick.
149
00:05:32,383 --> 00:05:34,263
You should do what
every other network does
150
00:05:34,262 --> 00:05:36,392
and never wants to take
a chance on anything new.
151
00:05:36,391 --> 00:05:38,651
I just read that ABC is doing
a "Game of Thrones" rip‐off
152
00:05:38,646 --> 00:05:40,016
called "Dragons and rape."
153
00:05:40,024 --> 00:05:41,784
Oh, look!
My old friend Kenny
154
00:05:41,777 --> 00:05:43,617
is taking over for that
showrunner
155
00:05:43,615 --> 00:05:46,075
that went into a coma.
Kenny was very, very funny.
156
00:05:46,077 --> 00:05:48,537
You never talk about
old friends.
157
00:05:48,541 --> 00:05:50,631
Well, he and I used to fuck
and I didn't mention it,
158
00:05:50,629 --> 00:05:52,169
'cause I didn't want to
hurt your feelings.
159
00:05:52,173 --> 00:05:53,513
Thank you, terms of service.
160
00:05:53,508 --> 00:05:55,468
I should find Kenny's email
161
00:05:55,471 --> 00:05:57,731
and maybe he'll hire me
to write on that show.
162
00:05:57,726 --> 00:05:59,606
This dream board
is really working!
163
00:05:59,605 --> 00:06:02,275
Yeah, this could be
a good fit for you, bank pen.
164
00:06:02,276 --> 00:06:03,906
Maybe this Kenny is spearheading
165
00:06:03,905 --> 00:06:05,775
a weird, edgy,
hard TV comedy.
166
00:06:05,784 --> 00:06:07,964
Like the ones they make
at Adult Swim.
167
00:06:07,955 --> 00:06:10,035
Only hopefully this network
won't make women
168
00:06:10,042 --> 00:06:11,672
use separate water fountains.
169
00:06:11,671 --> 00:06:13,381
[laughs] I'm just kidding.
170
00:06:13,382 --> 00:06:15,392
There are no women allowed
at Adult Swim.
171
00:06:15,386 --> 00:06:17,056
♪ ♪
172
00:06:17,056 --> 00:06:18,476
Okay, Kenny,
173
00:06:18,475 --> 00:06:20,305
I'm going to get
right to the point.
174
00:06:20,312 --> 00:06:22,822
I want you to hire me
to write for your TV show.
175
00:06:22,818 --> 00:06:24,858
Oh‐‐[laughs]
What a relief!
176
00:06:24,863 --> 00:06:26,743
I thought‐‐I'm sorry‐‐
I thought you were
177
00:06:26,742 --> 00:06:29,162
gonna tell me that that abortion
that I paid you to get
178
00:06:29,163 --> 00:06:32,343
you didn't get and that we have
a 12‐year‐old kid somewhere!
179
00:06:32,336 --> 00:06:34,416
Oh, Christ, no!
No, no, no!
180
00:06:34,424 --> 00:06:36,344
Oh, Jesus!
I did use the money
181
00:06:36,344 --> 00:06:38,354
for something else, 'cause
I wasn't actually pregnant,
182
00:06:38,348 --> 00:06:40,558
but don't worry‐‐
we don't have a child together.
183
00:06:40,562 --> 00:06:42,322
Thank God.
So you wanna write for
184
00:06:42,315 --> 00:06:44,435
"Fuzz Buddies."
Yeah! "Fuzz Buddies."
185
00:06:44,444 --> 00:06:47,334
I mean, it sounds so
totally you, you know?
186
00:06:47,325 --> 00:06:49,825
So Kenny, like, so wrong
187
00:06:49,830 --> 00:06:52,710
and dirty and edgy...
188
00:06:52,711 --> 00:06:54,551
Julie, it's a kid's show
for Nick Jr.
189
00:06:54,548 --> 00:06:56,968
about a panda, a kitten,
and a sunflower.
190
00:06:58,973 --> 00:07:01,853
Well, you have just
described the show
191
00:07:01,854 --> 00:07:04,194
I am most qualified
to write for.
192
00:07:04,192 --> 00:07:06,032
You have experience
writing for kids?
193
00:07:06,029 --> 00:07:07,449
No.
194
00:07:07,448 --> 00:07:09,078
You have kids.
[laughs/chokes]
195
00:07:09,077 --> 00:07:10,657
Gimme a break, Kenny.
196
00:07:10,663 --> 00:07:12,713
Just 'cause I never had
your abortion
197
00:07:12,709 --> 00:07:14,299
doesn't mean I haven't punched
some holes in my old PP card.
198
00:07:14,295 --> 00:07:16,125
Julie, I wanna help out,
199
00:07:16,132 --> 00:07:18,102
but you don't sound like
you have a lot of experience,
200
00:07:18,095 --> 00:07:19,595
and the network is on me:
201
00:07:19,598 --> 00:07:22,898
Find someone
who's good with story.
202
00:07:22,896 --> 00:07:25,066
Story?
Why didn't you say so?
203
00:07:25,067 --> 00:07:27,907
They call me
"The Story Machine."
204
00:07:27,906 --> 00:07:29,696
Yeah. You know who calls me
The Story Machine?
205
00:07:29,701 --> 00:07:32,371
That showrunner
who's in a coma.
206
00:07:32,373 --> 00:07:34,963
The one you replaced.
I mean, call him right now,
207
00:07:34,962 --> 00:07:36,382
and he'd tell you
how great I was,
208
00:07:36,381 --> 00:07:37,881
but he's in that dang coma!
209
00:07:37,884 --> 00:07:39,264
If that's how Neil felt
about you‐‐
210
00:07:39,262 --> 00:07:41,022
Yeah, Neil!
Neil.
211
00:07:41,015 --> 00:07:42,805
Neil, the guy in the coma.
212
00:07:42,811 --> 00:07:44,481
Neil's the one who says
that I'm that good.
213
00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:47,320
Now, no promises,
but this is what we need.
214
00:07:47,319 --> 00:07:49,369
I mean, we need this so badly.
Thank you so much!
215
00:07:49,365 --> 00:07:51,535
Oh, Kenny, I'm so glad
we reconnected.
216
00:07:51,537 --> 00:07:53,827
No problem, yeah.
You know, I just feel like
217
00:07:53,833 --> 00:07:56,003
I should get this out
of the way to clear the air.
218
00:07:56,004 --> 00:07:57,384
Um...
219
00:07:57,381 --> 00:07:59,721
in case any old feelings
reemerge,
220
00:07:59,720 --> 00:08:01,850
I have a boyfriend.
221
00:08:01,849 --> 00:08:03,349
Oh, no, I wasn't gonna‐‐
222
00:08:03,351 --> 00:08:04,901
I wasn't gonna make
a pass at you.
223
00:08:04,897 --> 00:08:08,067
I mean, look,
I'm sober now, so...
224
00:08:08,069 --> 00:08:09,449
Congrats.
225
00:08:09,447 --> 00:08:11,197
Who are we even
standing in for?
226
00:08:11,201 --> 00:08:13,461
I have no idea.
I barely made it here.
227
00:08:13,455 --> 00:08:15,125
I was up all night
with Mickey Dolenz.
228
00:08:15,125 --> 00:08:17,205
He showed up at your place
at 4:00 a. m.?
229
00:08:17,213 --> 00:08:19,803
With a guitar
and a lot of stories.
230
00:08:19,801 --> 00:08:21,101
What does he want from you,
a kidney?
231
00:08:21,095 --> 00:08:22,925
Does he want to sleep with you?
232
00:08:22,933 --> 00:08:24,733
Does he want your money?
Well, if it's money he wants,
233
00:08:24,728 --> 00:08:26,768
I don't have any.
Might as well see where it goes.
234
00:08:26,774 --> 00:08:29,034
What about you? Any update
on the staff writing job?
235
00:08:29,028 --> 00:08:32,278
No. Should I send Kenny
another picture of my tits?
236
00:08:32,284 --> 00:08:34,044
DAN: Uh, let's set up the shot.
237
00:08:34,038 --> 00:08:36,918
All right, guy,
you are Mike Rinder.
238
00:08:36,919 --> 00:08:38,709
And woman, you are Leah Remini.
239
00:08:38,714 --> 00:08:41,394
Oh, for the second season
of the Scientology show.
240
00:08:41,386 --> 00:08:42,596
Yep. You guys
are the cutaways
241
00:08:42,597 --> 00:08:44,427
when they answer questions.
242
00:08:44,433 --> 00:08:46,733
Uh, woman stand‐in, I need you
to put on the nails.
243
00:08:46,730 --> 00:08:49,440
Yeah.
Oh...okay.
244
00:08:49,443 --> 00:08:51,453
All right, now, uh,
scroll that iPad
245
00:08:51,447 --> 00:08:53,157
in the weird way
that Leah does.
246
00:08:54,788 --> 00:08:57,588
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
O‐okay, I'm getting a glare!
247
00:08:57,586 --> 00:08:59,086
Hold!
248
00:08:59,088 --> 00:09:00,588
[phones vibrating]
249
00:09:01,969 --> 00:09:03,429
both: Hello?
250
00:09:03,430 --> 00:09:05,940
both: Oh, my God!
251
00:09:06,979 --> 00:09:08,519
I got the staff job!
252
00:09:08,524 --> 00:09:10,244
Mickey Dolenz
is in the hospital,
253
00:09:10,235 --> 00:09:12,065
and I'm his emergency contact.
254
00:09:12,072 --> 00:09:13,582
You win!
255
00:09:16,707 --> 00:09:18,417
Thanks for picking me up
from the hospital.
256
00:09:18,418 --> 00:09:20,258
They wouldn't let me leave
without an escort.
257
00:09:20,255 --> 00:09:23,425
Yeah, sure. Here,
let me get this chair for you.
258
00:09:23,428 --> 00:09:25,558
Ah. You know...
259
00:09:25,558 --> 00:09:27,388
I just have to ask.
260
00:09:27,394 --> 00:09:30,114
How am I
your emergency contact?
261
00:09:30,108 --> 00:09:32,988
Well, I don't have any family,
and all my friends are dead.
262
00:09:32,989 --> 00:09:35,789
What about Peter Tork?
He's more like a work friend.
263
00:09:35,787 --> 00:09:37,997
Billy, I wasn't totally
honest with you
264
00:09:37,999 --> 00:09:40,499
about the fan mail.
265
00:09:40,504 --> 00:09:42,724
Truth is...
[exhales]
266
00:09:42,717 --> 00:09:44,637
I'm dying.
267
00:09:44,638 --> 00:09:45,808
Mickey Dolenz, no.
268
00:09:45,807 --> 00:09:47,937
Mickey Dolenz,
yes.
269
00:09:47,936 --> 00:09:49,726
I am so sorry.
270
00:09:49,731 --> 00:09:51,691
Well, I don't need
a kidney or anything,
271
00:09:51,694 --> 00:09:52,904
so don't worry.
272
00:09:52,904 --> 00:09:55,164
I just wanna leave the world
273
00:09:55,158 --> 00:09:56,578
with a bang!
274
00:09:56,578 --> 00:09:58,668
So I wrote a one‐man show.
275
00:09:58,666 --> 00:10:01,046
Okay...
I need some help with it.
276
00:10:01,045 --> 00:10:03,755
You said in your letter
you wanted to collaborate.
277
00:10:03,759 --> 00:10:05,509
I mean, I was seven years old.
278
00:10:05,512 --> 00:10:06,892
I don't think I knew
what collaborate meant.
279
00:10:06,890 --> 00:10:09,150
It was implied.
The point is,
280
00:10:09,145 --> 00:10:11,105
I've already written
the script.
281
00:10:11,107 --> 00:10:12,607
Can you just take a look
at it for me,
282
00:10:12,610 --> 00:10:14,360
give me some notes?
283
00:10:14,363 --> 00:10:17,043
Yeah. I mean, of course.
It's the least I can do.
284
00:10:17,035 --> 00:10:18,705
Here's the script.
285
00:10:18,706 --> 00:10:20,536
Let's set a notes call
for Thursday.
286
00:10:20,543 --> 00:10:23,383
[upbeat music]
287
00:10:23,381 --> 00:10:24,891
♪ ♪
288
00:10:24,885 --> 00:10:26,675
MARILYN: 25 years ago
289
00:10:26,680 --> 00:10:28,600
I dropped you off
at your first Torah class
290
00:10:28,601 --> 00:10:30,191
with the other
bat mitzvah girls,
291
00:10:30,187 --> 00:10:32,017
and here you are
doing it for me.
292
00:10:32,024 --> 00:10:34,364
Yes, Mom, it's so funny,
it's...
293
00:10:34,361 --> 00:10:36,121
nearly Duplassian.
294
00:10:36,115 --> 00:10:37,985
Don't forget the invitations,
okay?
295
00:10:37,994 --> 00:10:39,874
Did you get the list?
Yeah. You don't even talk to
296
00:10:39,873 --> 00:10:41,843
half those people anymore.
So?
297
00:10:41,835 --> 00:10:43,755
As my Romanian hairdresser
says,
298
00:10:43,756 --> 00:10:45,376
"Volume is everything!"
299
00:10:45,383 --> 00:10:47,183
Good‐bye!
300
00:10:47,179 --> 00:10:48,519
Hello, girls.
301
00:10:48,516 --> 00:10:50,226
Should I sit here?
302
00:10:50,227 --> 00:10:53,107
So...welcome to Torah class,
303
00:10:53,107 --> 00:10:55,067
bat mitzvah girls to be.
304
00:10:55,070 --> 00:10:57,990
Why don't we go around and say
something about ourselves?
305
00:10:57,992 --> 00:11:00,462
I'm Rabbi Scheckter
and, uh,
306
00:11:00,455 --> 00:11:02,375
I like '60s pop music.
307
00:11:02,376 --> 00:11:04,086
And I'm Dr. Marilyn Kessler,
308
00:11:04,088 --> 00:11:07,218
and the theme for my
bat mitzvah is "me"!
309
00:11:07,219 --> 00:11:09,219
My name is Shoshanna,
and my theme's
310
00:11:09,223 --> 00:11:11,353
"at least I'm not
as old as her."
311
00:11:11,352 --> 00:11:12,982
[girls giggling]
Um...
312
00:11:12,981 --> 00:11:14,821
let's be respectful.
313
00:11:14,818 --> 00:11:17,448
Marilyn has waited a long time
for her bat mitzvah.
314
00:11:17,447 --> 00:11:20,037
If only her hair colorist
had waited a little longer
315
00:11:20,036 --> 00:11:21,706
to take out those foils,
316
00:11:21,707 --> 00:11:23,667
then her highlights
wouldn't be so brassy.
317
00:11:23,669 --> 00:11:25,379
My Romanian hairdresser
318
00:11:25,380 --> 00:11:27,050
cost more than your private
school tuition,
319
00:11:27,050 --> 00:11:28,510
you little bitch.
320
00:11:30,808 --> 00:11:33,398
So, Brooke,
what's your deal?
321
00:11:33,396 --> 00:11:36,186
Okay, quick intros.
Eric, story monster.
322
00:11:36,193 --> 00:11:38,033
Lyle, his brother,
is a joke beast.
323
00:11:38,031 --> 00:11:40,911
We got Izzy and Taz from
"The Pickup Artist" community,
324
00:11:40,912 --> 00:11:43,122
Brian from Harvard,
our YouTube sensation
325
00:11:43,124 --> 00:11:44,674
Demios of Chaldes,
326
00:11:44,669 --> 00:11:46,719
and Julie, who is a woman.
327
00:11:46,715 --> 00:11:49,795
And a..."story machine."
But can she take a joke?
328
00:11:49,804 --> 00:11:51,894
Or are you one of those
uptight feminists?
329
00:11:51,892 --> 00:11:53,982
Oh, no, I hate women.
330
00:11:53,979 --> 00:11:56,939
I got into TV writing
so I could not write for them.
331
00:11:56,944 --> 00:11:59,374
Fuck, yeah!
Oh, did you hear Drew Barrymore
332
00:11:59,365 --> 00:12:01,195
on "Howard Stern" this morning?
I did.
333
00:12:01,202 --> 00:12:02,912
She got old, right?
[someone chuckles]
334
00:12:02,914 --> 00:12:05,504
She's a dog now.
She used to be a 9.
335
00:12:05,502 --> 00:12:07,802
Yeah, when she was 9!
336
00:12:07,799 --> 00:12:09,759
[forced laugh]
Right?
337
00:12:09,761 --> 00:12:12,221
Somebody should
slit her...throat
338
00:12:12,224 --> 00:12:14,604
and make a lampshade
out of her skin.
339
00:12:16,148 --> 00:12:18,318
Baba Booey?
340
00:12:18,319 --> 00:12:21,279
'Kay, let's blue sky
this bitch!
341
00:12:21,283 --> 00:12:23,663
Who has got ideas
342
00:12:23,664 --> 00:12:26,094
for "Panda's Birthday Party"?
343
00:12:26,085 --> 00:12:28,915
What if, uh, Panda
took Kitten to the party
344
00:12:28,924 --> 00:12:30,764
and everybody
liked Kitten more?
345
00:12:30,761 --> 00:12:33,101
No. That's not very good.
346
00:12:33,099 --> 00:12:35,019
You have another pitch?
347
00:12:35,020 --> 00:12:37,360
Hmm? Oh, no.
348
00:12:37,357 --> 00:12:39,397
I‐I just didn't like that.
349
00:12:39,403 --> 00:12:42,333
Well, okay, what if, uh,
Kitten's birthday
350
00:12:42,325 --> 00:12:44,075
is the same day as Panda's?
351
00:12:44,079 --> 00:12:46,589
And Kitten is jealous
352
00:12:46,585 --> 00:12:48,495
of all of the attention
353
00:12:48,504 --> 00:12:49,844
that Panda's getting?
354
00:12:49,841 --> 00:12:52,051
Yeah, jealousy.
It's real.
355
00:12:52,054 --> 00:12:54,394
My pig wife said no
to a threesome
356
00:12:54,391 --> 00:12:56,351
with our cleaning lady
because of jealousy.
357
00:12:56,353 --> 00:12:58,233
Ohh...I'm so sorry.
358
00:12:58,232 --> 00:12:59,782
Yeah.
359
00:13:01,197 --> 00:13:04,997
Or...what if we don't do
anything about a birthday party
360
00:13:04,996 --> 00:13:08,286
and the gang starts
a food truck?
361
00:13:08,294 --> 00:13:10,304
How does that fit into
the story diamond?
362
00:13:10,298 --> 00:13:11,928
The what?
You're a story machine,
363
00:13:11,927 --> 00:13:13,677
and you don't know about
the story diamond?
364
00:13:13,680 --> 00:13:15,640
That's Kenny's thing.
Yeah. Talked about it
365
00:13:15,643 --> 00:13:17,483
on "Marc Maron" for 3 1/2 hours
366
00:13:17,479 --> 00:13:20,279
after my mom's stuff
and his vinyl collection.
367
00:13:20,276 --> 00:13:22,156
Yeah, yeah, you take
a diamond, right?
368
00:13:22,155 --> 00:13:24,735
You split it in half, then you
cut it in 16 segments.
369
00:13:24,744 --> 00:13:26,504
And on the left
you got your plot points,
370
00:13:26,497 --> 00:13:28,287
and then you
cross‐correspond that
371
00:13:28,292 --> 00:13:29,922
to the segments on the right
372
00:13:29,921 --> 00:13:31,881
where you got your
characters in crises.
373
00:13:31,883 --> 00:13:33,433
Story diamond.
374
00:13:33,427 --> 00:13:35,057
Obviously,
I'm familiar with it,
375
00:13:35,056 --> 00:13:37,726
but Neil, you know,
my old boss,
376
00:13:37,728 --> 00:13:39,898
um, didn't like to do that.
377
00:13:39,899 --> 00:13:41,899
He preferred the way
I break a story.
378
00:13:41,903 --> 00:13:44,123
We could call Neil
and ask him but...
379
00:13:44,116 --> 00:13:46,496
he's in that coma, so...
380
00:13:46,495 --> 00:13:48,165
Lunch?
381
00:13:48,165 --> 00:13:49,785
♪ ♪
382
00:13:49,794 --> 00:13:52,304
I just received
four pages of notes
383
00:13:52,299 --> 00:13:54,889
from my mom
on a 1/2 page bat mitzvah toast.
384
00:13:54,888 --> 00:13:56,728
Well, if it makes you
feel any better,
385
00:13:56,725 --> 00:14:00,395
Mickey Dolenz's one‐man show
has an 87‐page cold open.
386
00:14:00,398 --> 00:14:02,488
That stupid dream board
came true,
387
00:14:02,485 --> 00:14:04,615
and it turns out
working with my childhood idol
388
00:14:04,616 --> 00:14:06,076
is a fucking nightmare!
Yeah.
389
00:14:06,076 --> 00:14:07,906
And my dream of writing for TV
390
00:14:07,914 --> 00:14:10,044
turns out to be men
incapable of talking to women
391
00:14:10,043 --> 00:14:12,213
telling me I don't know
how women actually talk!
392
00:14:12,213 --> 00:14:13,883
Hello, last looks.
393
00:14:13,884 --> 00:14:15,644
Uh‐oh.
394
00:14:15,638 --> 00:14:17,308
Cake buffet?
395
00:14:17,307 --> 00:14:19,347
Either your first day of work
went poorly,
396
00:14:19,353 --> 00:14:21,193
or Pete Holmes
got another break.
397
00:14:21,190 --> 00:14:23,820
I am picking out a cake
for my mother's bat mitzvah.
398
00:14:23,820 --> 00:14:25,410
And technically, yes,
I already chose one
399
00:14:25,406 --> 00:14:27,286
when I went to the bakery
with Billy.
400
00:14:27,285 --> 00:14:29,205
I just need to make sure
that I made the right decision.
401
00:14:29,206 --> 00:14:31,246
So work went okay.
Absolutely not!
402
00:14:31,251 --> 00:14:33,131
Did you know that TV writing
403
00:14:33,130 --> 00:14:35,640
is just people stuck in a room
together talking all day?
404
00:14:35,636 --> 00:14:37,926
It's like a cocktail party with
the ugliest people on earth.
405
00:14:37,932 --> 00:14:39,772
♪ ♪
406
00:14:39,769 --> 00:14:41,729
You're just gonna split
407
00:14:41,731 --> 00:14:43,781
a side of Brussels sprouts‐‐
Billy!
408
00:14:43,777 --> 00:14:46,237
Quick question.
Mickey, I'm at work.
409
00:14:46,240 --> 00:14:47,950
And your questions
are rarely quick.
410
00:14:47,952 --> 00:14:49,582
I'll be right back.
Thank you.
411
00:14:49,580 --> 00:14:51,750
Mickey Dolenz.
412
00:14:51,751 --> 00:14:53,551
You said you had
some notes for me
413
00:14:53,547 --> 00:14:56,427
on the Roddy McDowall duet.
Oh, not notes.
414
00:14:56,427 --> 00:14:58,517
Uh, questions, actually.
415
00:14:58,515 --> 00:15:01,225
Specifically what,
how, and why?
416
00:15:01,228 --> 00:15:03,728
Pretty straight forward.
Um, I'm singing,
417
00:15:03,734 --> 00:15:06,244
"Hey, Hey, We're the Monkees,"
with Roddy McDowall,
418
00:15:06,238 --> 00:15:09,078
who's dressed as Cornelius
from "Planet of the Apes."
419
00:15:09,077 --> 00:15:10,827
Did you know that
Roddy McDowall is dead?
420
00:15:10,831 --> 00:15:12,501
Which is why
421
00:15:12,500 --> 00:15:15,380
we're gonna use
a hologram, obviously.
422
00:15:15,381 --> 00:15:17,431
Even if you could afford
the technology
423
00:15:17,427 --> 00:15:19,177
that would make that dream
a reality,
424
00:15:19,181 --> 00:15:21,271
do you have any footage
anywhere
425
00:15:21,268 --> 00:15:23,608
of Roddy McDowall singing,
"Hey, Hey, We're the Monkees"?
426
00:15:23,607 --> 00:15:25,437
Because, if not‐‐
I see, yeah.
427
00:15:25,443 --> 00:15:28,873
Smart.
Let me noodle on that.
428
00:15:28,867 --> 00:15:31,827
Meanwhile, I've added
a new song.
429
00:15:31,831 --> 00:15:34,291
[paper slaps down]
Mickey, I'm sorry, I'm done.
430
00:15:34,294 --> 00:15:35,844
Billy, I'm dyin'.
431
00:15:35,839 --> 00:15:38,009
No offense, Mickey,
but...when?
432
00:15:38,010 --> 00:15:40,180
Billy, you said
in your letter‐‐
433
00:15:40,181 --> 00:15:41,941
I wrote that same fan
letter to Olivia Newton John.
434
00:15:41,935 --> 00:15:43,975
I was a child.
And by the way,
435
00:15:43,980 --> 00:15:45,820
her turnaround was a lot
faster than yours.
436
00:15:45,818 --> 00:15:48,198
She sent me a "Xanadu"
head shot in, like, a week.
437
00:15:48,197 --> 00:15:51,697
Well...
I guess this is good‐bye.
438
00:15:51,704 --> 00:15:53,174
Yeah.
439
00:15:53,165 --> 00:15:54,705
I'll see you
in another 30 years.
440
00:15:54,710 --> 00:15:57,380
No, Billy.
441
00:15:57,382 --> 00:15:59,472
You won't.
442
00:16:01,933 --> 00:16:04,353
Mickey Dolenz.
I'm dying!
443
00:16:04,354 --> 00:16:08,204
Now, Marilyn, your Torah
portion will be Tehillim.
444
00:16:08,195 --> 00:16:10,775
"Delight in God,
and he will give thee
445
00:16:10,784 --> 00:16:12,624
the desires of thy heart."
446
00:16:12,621 --> 00:16:17,131
It means...
believe in your daydreams.
447
00:16:17,130 --> 00:16:18,930
Be a Daydream Believer.
448
00:16:18,925 --> 00:16:22,175
Or Daydream Belieber.
Right, girls?
449
00:16:23,350 --> 00:16:25,060
Justin Bieber?
450
00:16:25,062 --> 00:16:27,782
We love him, right?
451
00:16:27,776 --> 00:16:30,776
Yeah. Because he's so cool.
452
00:16:30,782 --> 00:16:34,462
Okay, I was born without
the ability to sense sarcasm,
453
00:16:34,456 --> 00:16:38,006
so I'm just gonna keep pitching
and see what you might like.
454
00:16:38,005 --> 00:16:40,175
Okay, wait a minute.
This might be cool.
455
00:16:40,176 --> 00:16:43,096
Do you like chicken?
456
00:16:43,098 --> 00:16:44,768
[dramatic musical sting]
457
00:16:44,769 --> 00:16:46,439
Okay, let's break this
458
00:16:46,438 --> 00:16:47,898
Panda's birthday story
459
00:16:47,900 --> 00:16:49,820
like it was a virgin's
hymen.
460
00:16:49,820 --> 00:16:52,740
[someone puffing rapidly]
461
00:16:52,743 --> 00:16:54,753
[dramatic sting]
462
00:16:56,291 --> 00:17:00,681
God. "Panda's Party"
is not tracking!
463
00:17:00,676 --> 00:17:02,386
Oh, my God.
464
00:17:02,387 --> 00:17:04,387
[dramatic sting]
465
00:17:04,391 --> 00:17:05,981
Is Kenny still on
that phone call?
466
00:17:05,978 --> 00:17:07,358
It's been like an hour!
467
00:17:07,355 --> 00:17:09,315
Well, it's his divorce
lawyer,
468
00:17:09,317 --> 00:17:10,897
so you never know.
469
00:17:10,904 --> 00:17:13,034
But he doesn't let us work
without him.
470
00:17:13,033 --> 00:17:14,163
Ugh!
471
00:17:14,160 --> 00:17:16,160
[dramatic sting]
472
00:17:16,164 --> 00:17:17,964
Fuck. My ex.
473
00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:19,630
I fuckin' hate women, Kenny.
474
00:17:19,630 --> 00:17:21,130
Let's fix this Panda story.
475
00:17:21,133 --> 00:17:22,803
Everybody order dinner.
476
00:17:22,803 --> 00:17:24,143
It's gonna be a late night.
477
00:17:24,139 --> 00:17:26,099
[dramatic sting]
478
00:17:26,101 --> 00:17:28,901
Well, she got all
the Criterion DVDs
479
00:17:28,898 --> 00:17:30,568
and the gun cabinet,
480
00:17:30,569 --> 00:17:33,489
but one upside to losing
everything to that bitch
481
00:17:33,490 --> 00:17:36,120
is I don't have to stay
sober anymore!
482
00:17:36,121 --> 00:17:38,421
So, wait, because Kenny's
going through a divorce,
483
00:17:38,417 --> 00:17:40,457
we have to stay here all night?
484
00:17:40,463 --> 00:17:41,973
Yeah.
485
00:17:41,966 --> 00:17:43,676
Isn't there, like,
a writer's union
486
00:17:43,678 --> 00:17:45,638
to protect us
from that kind of shit?
487
00:17:45,641 --> 00:17:47,311
[laughter]
488
00:17:47,310 --> 00:17:49,150
Finally,
she says something funny.
489
00:17:49,147 --> 00:17:51,147
[dramatic sting]
490
00:17:52,529 --> 00:17:55,239
Ah, God, come on,
you fuckers, think!
491
00:17:55,242 --> 00:17:58,422
All right?
Panda Kitten, Sunflower,
492
00:17:58,415 --> 00:18:00,835
ad Panda has a birthday!
493
00:18:00,837 --> 00:18:03,047
Bamboo‐eating cocksucker!
494
00:18:03,050 --> 00:18:05,180
Okay, what if, uh,
495
00:18:05,179 --> 00:18:07,729
Panda has a surprise
birthday party
496
00:18:07,726 --> 00:18:09,686
but no one shows up.
497
00:18:09,689 --> 00:18:11,359
So nothing happens?
498
00:18:11,358 --> 00:18:13,198
How's that fit into
Kenny's story diamond?
499
00:18:13,195 --> 00:18:14,945
What'd I tell you
about women and story?
500
00:18:14,949 --> 00:18:16,829
Okay, fuck you, Brian!
501
00:18:16,828 --> 00:18:18,288
Because what I just pitched
502
00:18:18,288 --> 00:18:19,788
fits perfectly
503
00:18:19,792 --> 00:18:22,802
into the story...
double helix
504
00:18:22,798 --> 00:18:24,798
that me and Neil came up with
505
00:18:24,802 --> 00:18:27,222
when we were working on that
Gina Gershon show together.
506
00:18:27,223 --> 00:18:28,853
"Dumb Whore"?
Double helix?
507
00:18:28,852 --> 00:18:31,192
Yeah. Neil said it was
bulletproof
508
00:18:31,189 --> 00:18:33,489
and totally next level,
but I understand
509
00:18:33,485 --> 00:18:36,065
if you guys wanna play it safe
with the diamond.
510
00:18:36,074 --> 00:18:38,294
No, explain the double helix,
all right?
511
00:18:38,287 --> 00:18:40,327
Just draw it up there.
Explain it to us.
512
00:18:40,332 --> 00:18:41,792
Right now?
Walk us through it!
513
00:18:41,794 --> 00:18:43,304
Do what Kenny says!
514
00:18:43,297 --> 00:18:45,127
Yes, go, go, go, go, go.
Okay.
515
00:18:45,134 --> 00:18:47,224
All right, well, okay,
so the story double helix‐‐
516
00:18:47,221 --> 00:18:49,061
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
just draw it.
517
00:18:49,058 --> 00:18:51,018
Here's the first helix, right?
Yeah, boom, boom, boom.
518
00:18:51,021 --> 00:18:54,651
And, you know, like any, uh,
organism, it has quadrants.
519
00:18:54,653 --> 00:18:58,833
So there are 56 quadrants
in each subset.
520
00:18:58,828 --> 00:19:00,788
Let's get some more Thai food.
How many noodles
521
00:19:00,791 --> 00:19:02,631
do you need?
Noodles are brain food.
522
00:19:02,628 --> 00:19:03,798
No, they're not!
523
00:19:03,797 --> 00:19:05,797
[dramatic sting]
524
00:19:05,801 --> 00:19:08,351
Now the hero has refused
525
00:19:08,347 --> 00:19:09,927
the journey,
526
00:19:09,934 --> 00:19:11,814
but that's when we get
527
00:19:11,813 --> 00:19:13,273
the four alligators,
528
00:19:13,273 --> 00:19:16,033
which I call
internal conflicts.
529
00:19:16,029 --> 00:19:18,699
I'm confused.
Oh, are you confused, Brian?
530
00:19:18,701 --> 00:19:20,201
It's so simple!
531
00:19:20,204 --> 00:19:22,254
And it applies to any movie.
532
00:19:22,250 --> 00:19:25,720
My God, if Neil were here,
he would laugh at you.
533
00:19:25,715 --> 00:19:27,045
If Neil were where?
534
00:19:27,051 --> 00:19:29,141
Hey!
Oh ho ho!
535
00:19:29,138 --> 00:19:31,268
Neil, you're outta your coma!
536
00:19:31,268 --> 00:19:34,728
Yeah, I got out yesterday.
First thing I wanted to do
537
00:19:34,733 --> 00:19:36,243
was come back to work
538
00:19:36,236 --> 00:19:38,776
because I have
a horrible marriage.
539
00:19:38,783 --> 00:19:41,453
Well, your story machine
540
00:19:41,454 --> 00:19:44,344
is explaining
your double helix to us.
541
00:19:44,335 --> 00:19:45,915
Who the fuck are you
542
00:19:45,922 --> 00:19:48,472
and what the fuck
is a double helix?
543
00:19:51,349 --> 00:19:52,479
Julie...
you're a good fuck...
544
00:19:52,476 --> 00:19:54,056
Aw...
545
00:19:54,063 --> 00:19:56,443
But you are
a shitty story machine.
546
00:19:56,443 --> 00:19:58,873
So...you are fired.
547
00:20:00,577 --> 00:20:02,037
Well, fine.
548
00:20:02,038 --> 00:20:04,288
Because...I quit anyway.
549
00:20:04,292 --> 00:20:06,052
And you know what else?
550
00:20:06,046 --> 00:20:09,006
None you have any
point of view
551
00:20:09,010 --> 00:20:11,600
formed outside
your own shitty lives.
552
00:20:11,599 --> 00:20:13,349
You guys are bad writers.
553
00:20:13,352 --> 00:20:17,282
Not just because
you lack imagination,
554
00:20:17,276 --> 00:20:19,356
but because you lack empathy.
555
00:20:20,742 --> 00:20:23,212
So suck...my...fat...
556
00:20:23,205 --> 00:20:25,035
a‐twat!
557
00:20:27,213 --> 00:20:29,553
Jeez. It's your own fault.
558
00:20:29,551 --> 00:20:31,391
For hiring a woman.
559
00:20:31,388 --> 00:20:32,598
Ha ha!
560
00:20:32,599 --> 00:20:33,889
Neil!
561
00:20:33,893 --> 00:20:35,813
All those dream boards did
562
00:20:35,814 --> 00:20:37,574
was give us what we want
after we didn't want it anymore,
563
00:20:37,567 --> 00:20:39,147
Like Calista Flockhart
564
00:20:39,153 --> 00:20:40,873
when Harrison Ford
finally called her back.
565
00:20:40,865 --> 00:20:42,535
And now that I think about it,
I'm pretty sure
566
00:20:42,536 --> 00:20:44,156
I was working
with the Menendez brothers.
567
00:20:44,163 --> 00:20:45,793
But on the bright side,
568
00:20:45,792 --> 00:20:47,962
they still had to pay me
for the whole week.
569
00:20:47,963 --> 00:20:50,223
Look. Check it out.
570
00:20:50,217 --> 00:20:52,807
Whoa!
Oh, my God!
571
00:20:52,806 --> 00:20:55,766
If this is what giving notes to
Mickey Dolenz would have paid,
572
00:20:55,770 --> 00:20:57,900
I never would have quit.
Do you know that he came
573
00:20:57,899 --> 00:20:59,569
and dropped off a song
for the ending
574
00:20:59,570 --> 00:21:01,620
even after I bailed?
Aw!
575
00:21:01,615 --> 00:21:04,995
"Number One Fan."
576
00:21:04,997 --> 00:21:06,877
Holy shit, Billy.
This is about you.
577
00:21:06,876 --> 00:21:08,376
What?
Yeah, he's saying
578
00:21:08,378 --> 00:21:09,918
that he's your number one fan.
579
00:21:09,923 --> 00:21:10,933
Look!
No.
580
00:21:10,925 --> 00:21:12,175
Yeah!
581
00:21:12,178 --> 00:21:13,678
Oh, my God!
582
00:21:13,681 --> 00:21:16,141
He even talks about
my curly hair!
583
00:21:16,144 --> 00:21:17,654
Fuck!
584
00:21:17,647 --> 00:21:19,357
Now I can't quit on him!
585
00:21:19,358 --> 00:21:21,658
I'm gonna go find him.
I mean, I have no problem
586
00:21:21,655 --> 00:21:23,235
walking away from
a dying man,
587
00:21:23,241 --> 00:21:25,201
but I can't walk away
from a dying fan.
588
00:21:25,204 --> 00:21:26,834
I'll see you at Marilyn's
bat mitzvah?
589
00:21:26,832 --> 00:21:30,762
Ooh! A Jewish birthday party.
590
00:21:30,757 --> 00:21:33,137
Who will I bring?
What will I wear?
591
00:21:33,136 --> 00:21:34,886
Oh, fuck!
592
00:21:34,890 --> 00:21:37,480
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
593
00:21:37,478 --> 00:21:40,318
Uh, that's what she said!
[giggling]
594
00:21:40,317 --> 00:21:42,527
I forgot to send out
those bat mitzvah invitations!
595
00:21:42,531 --> 00:21:43,781
Now no one's gonna come!
596
00:21:43,783 --> 00:21:45,453
That's what he said!
597
00:21:45,452 --> 00:21:50,422
[laughing]
598
00:21:50,420 --> 00:21:53,340
[laughs louder]
599
00:21:56,934 --> 00:21:58,314
[glasses clattering]
600
00:21:58,311 --> 00:21:59,821
Hey, how's my favorite client,
601
00:21:59,815 --> 00:22:01,935
aka, the back of
Reba McEntire's head
602
00:22:01,944 --> 00:22:04,374
in a Hallmark movie if you're
available on Thursday.
603
00:22:04,365 --> 00:22:06,195
I am completely available
on Thursday,
604
00:22:06,202 --> 00:22:07,962
but I wanted to know
605
00:22:07,956 --> 00:22:10,166
if you could fill a synagogue
in three hours.
606
00:22:10,169 --> 00:22:12,209
How many stand‐ins
will this get me?
607
00:22:14,720 --> 00:22:16,260
Mom! There you are.
608
00:22:16,264 --> 00:22:17,734
I was looking for you.
Don't cry!
609
00:22:17,726 --> 00:22:19,806
No one's here, Julie.
610
00:22:19,813 --> 00:22:21,693
I texted Bonnie,
and she said
611
00:22:21,692 --> 00:22:24,162
she never even got an
invitation.
612
00:22:24,155 --> 00:22:26,275
I didn't invite Bonnie.
Why would we want Bonnie here?
613
00:22:26,284 --> 00:22:28,214
We hate Bonnie!
Don't worry.
614
00:22:28,205 --> 00:22:30,075
I promise,
the synagogue will be full.
615
00:22:30,083 --> 00:22:33,423
Maybe not with the same
attendees that we'd hoped,
616
00:22:33,423 --> 00:22:36,893
but does your Romanian
hairdresser always say?
617
00:22:36,889 --> 00:22:38,479
[with accent]
"Don't worry.
618
00:22:38,475 --> 00:22:42,105
Warts aren't contagious.
Cash only!"
619
00:22:42,107 --> 00:22:44,357
Okay, well, I was gonna say
"volume is everything,"
620
00:22:44,362 --> 00:22:47,082
but kudos on that impression.
Well, thank you.
621
00:22:47,076 --> 00:22:48,826
It'll be great.
I promise.
622
00:22:48,829 --> 00:22:50,579
Billy even brought a celebrity.
623
00:22:50,583 --> 00:22:52,803
It better not be
Marcia Gay Harden.
624
00:22:52,796 --> 00:22:55,796
She owes me $1,200,
and she knows why!
625
00:22:55,802 --> 00:22:58,642
Julie, cheer me up.
Read my toast.
626
00:22:58,641 --> 00:23:00,391
Okay.
627
00:23:01,939 --> 00:23:04,859
All right, here it is.
628
00:23:04,861 --> 00:23:06,741
[exhales]
"To Marilyn,
629
00:23:06,740 --> 00:23:10,250
"who waited her whole life
for a perfect bat mitzvah.
630
00:23:10,247 --> 00:23:13,297
"But I learned a lesson
from a panda recently.
631
00:23:13,295 --> 00:23:16,835
"A party is perfect when you're
around people who love you.
632
00:23:16,844 --> 00:23:18,394
The rest is just cake."
633
00:23:18,388 --> 00:23:20,558
It's lovely.
Thanks.
634
00:23:20,560 --> 00:23:22,690
It's based on something
called the story diamond,
635
00:23:22,689 --> 00:23:24,609
which, turns out,
really does work.
636
00:23:26,697 --> 00:23:29,157
Mickey, I'm really sorry
I walked out on you.
637
00:23:29,160 --> 00:23:31,540
We're cool.
And thanks for inviting me
638
00:23:31,540 --> 00:23:34,340
to this older lady's
12 birthday party.
639
00:23:34,337 --> 00:23:36,967
Now, our bat mitzvah girl,
Marilyn Kessler,
640
00:23:36,967 --> 00:23:39,387
will read from the Torah.
641
00:23:44,524 --> 00:23:48,204
[Marilyn chanting]
642
00:23:48,198 --> 00:23:49,738
Billy, are you sure
this Budapest tour‐‐
643
00:23:49,743 --> 00:23:52,413
Shh! Mickey, she's reading.
Shh!
644
00:23:52,414 --> 00:23:54,544
Mickey Dolenz?
645
00:23:54,544 --> 00:23:55,634
Uh‐oh.
646
00:23:55,630 --> 00:23:57,260
You work here?
647
00:23:57,257 --> 00:24:00,137
This jerk answered
a fan letter of mine
648
00:24:00,138 --> 00:24:02,688
only to waste a year
of my life
649
00:24:02,685 --> 00:24:05,065
helping him rewrite
his one‐man show!
650
00:24:05,065 --> 00:24:07,815
But I'm dying!
We're all dying, Dolenz!
651
00:24:07,821 --> 00:24:09,161
You're fine.
652
00:24:09,156 --> 00:24:11,446
Wait, Mickey, is this true?
653
00:24:11,452 --> 00:24:13,622
All right, the jig is up.
654
00:24:13,624 --> 00:24:16,464
The only disease I have
is one‐man‐show fever.
655
00:24:16,462 --> 00:24:19,182
Hold on. You reached out
to all of your old fans
656
00:24:19,176 --> 00:24:20,426
in the hopes‐‐
Yes. To get free notes
657
00:24:20,429 --> 00:24:21,969
for my show, yeah.
658
00:24:21,974 --> 00:24:24,064
That is the worst con
I've ever heard.
659
00:24:24,061 --> 00:24:26,021
Oh, is it?
660
00:24:26,023 --> 00:24:28,863
Well, thanks to
sucker fans like you,
661
00:24:28,863 --> 00:24:31,123
my show is done.
662
00:24:31,117 --> 00:24:33,957
And it's perfect,
and it's gonna be a smash hit,
663
00:24:33,956 --> 00:24:36,626
and none of you are gonna
get a fucking penny!
664
00:24:36,628 --> 00:24:38,338
I win.
665
00:24:38,339 --> 00:24:40,679
I always win.
666
00:24:40,678 --> 00:24:43,018
I'm Mickey fuckin' Dolenz.
667
00:24:43,016 --> 00:24:45,346
And I'm Dr. Marilyn
fucking Kessler.
668
00:24:45,353 --> 00:24:48,113
Now, shut up
so I can become a woman.
669
00:24:49,403 --> 00:24:51,663
You know, stand‐in work
really isn't that degrading
670
00:24:51,658 --> 00:24:53,578
when you consider
the alternatives.
671
00:24:53,579 --> 00:24:55,289
Yeah, you're right.
All right, which one of you's
672
00:24:55,290 --> 00:24:57,000
standing in for Guy Fieri,
which one of you's
673
00:24:57,002 --> 00:24:58,462
standing in for the ribs?
That was never made
674
00:24:58,463 --> 00:25:00,223
entirely clear.
Doesn't matter.
675
00:25:00,217 --> 00:25:03,097
You're both getting wet.
Bring on the donkey sauce!
676
00:25:03,097 --> 00:25:04,177
MAN: Oh!
677
00:25:05,310 --> 00:25:07,730
♪ Thought it'd be easy ♪
678
00:25:07,732 --> 00:25:10,452
♪ Thought they didn't know ♪
679
00:25:10,445 --> 00:25:13,945
♪ You thought it was
the only way to go ♪
680
00:25:13,953 --> 00:25:15,413
♪ ♪
681
00:25:15,413 --> 00:25:17,883
♪ Another way out ♪
682
00:25:17,877 --> 00:25:20,627
♪ Found on the way home ♪
683
00:25:20,633 --> 00:25:22,183
♪ Thought you were living fast ♪
684
00:25:22,177 --> 00:25:24,597
♪ But you were living slow ♪
685
00:25:24,599 --> 00:25:31,609
♪ ♪
686
00:25:39,713 --> 00:25:41,013
MAN: La la la la!
687
00:25:41,007 --> 00:25:42,717
Oh, my God!
50191
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