Original subtitles

- How much longer do we have to wait for this car?

Which app is this again?

- Oh, its called GoX.

Its short for Goatee Express

because their cars have goatees on them.

- Ugh, these ride sharing apps are so humiliating.

- But what are we supposed to do?

New York Citys on high alert,

and were not supposed to use the subways.

- What choice do we have

besides riding in cars with facial hair on them?

- My favorite Penny Marshall- Drew Barrymore collaboration.

- And here I am running around,

and I still cant find a Yahrzeit candle for my dad.

I dont understand. How is this New York?

- When the citys on edge, everybody just stocks up

on things like candles.

They dont care that theyre Jewish memorial candles

you light on the anniversary of a loved ones death.

- Why would they care this is the first time

since 2010 I havent been able to light a candle for my dad?

And that was a tough year. We lost my dad,

and Mel Gibson said you can see Oksanas pussy from behind.

- I miss seeing movies with your dad.

- He loved everything.

Remember that time we saw "Welcome to Mooseport"

and the lights went up and he said, "I loved it."

Meanwhile, I dont have a boyfriend,

and I hate having all these human emotions.

Maybe I should just give up trying to find love, you know?

Im gonna go the Kevin Spacey route.

Just stop trying to be a human being,

and just focus on getting famous,

and then after I have a Netflix show,

focus all of my frustrations

on a boyfriend young enough to be my own son.

- I was about to say I dont think

theres anything much more depressing than that,

but here comes our ride.

[horn honking]

I cant believe that stupid goatee

is gonna be the last thing we ever see

before were brutally murdered.

- Loophole, come to bed.

You only got nine hours last night,

and I never heard the end of it.

- I cant. I have to recap

"Bachelorette," which is what you do

when you dont have a real job writing comedy for television.

- Im not taking your rose.

You hooked up with those two guys on the show.

I heard you blew them.

- Oh, that is so fucked up.

I mean, just because Ashley has the good sense

to chow down on the free chorizo buffet

ABC was kind enough to lay out for her,

that dipshit is shaming her like shes some kind of a whore.

- An update on the citys terror threat,

which has been raised from rose gold to bronze.

- Fuck, this better not dip into the rest of the show.

I taped this. Goddamn it.

How am I supposed to do my recap?

- Why dont you just go online, and find out who she sent home,

and take it from there, dad bod?

- Yeah, tell me who went home, Jezebel.

Oh, Jesus Christ, Fern Fujihara?

This 14-year-old took a picture of a doughnut

that she put on a rodents head,

and now shes repped by CAA?

Fuck this world.

- Good night, Blu-ray.

- Wow, your editor was okay with you submitting

this personal essay instead of your "Bachelorette" recap?

- To be honest with you I dont think she even read it.

I feel like she just hits publish.

Theres rumors that shes actually a goose.

- I cant believe you wrote your 9/11 piece.

It must have taken you all night.

- Well, I procrastinated a little.

- Oh, was that when you sent me the link

to Kevin Spaceys online acting classes?

- As a matter of fact, it is.

A $90 gag gift,

but it will be worth every penny

as long as it takes you a step further on your journey

to becoming Mr. Kevin Spacey.

- Oh, it already is. Look at this.

Sometimes you are the chicken,

and sometimes you are the corn.

- Ah, thats amazing!

- What are you two sucking each others dicks about now?

- Julie wrote an article about how during the week of 9/11

she was so overcome with grief

that she self-medicated

by fucking 9 random guys and blowing 11.

- Way to give Donald Rumsfeld exactly what he wanted.

- Oh, are we talking about sowing our wild oats?

Hey, do you want to hear the story about the scar

I got on Merv Griffins houseboat?

- No, go away.

- Okay, fine, I havent shaved anyway.

Speaking of which, my big wedding is in two days,

and you all are invited to my bachelorette party.

- Why dont you call it a bachelor party,

you Goddamn Teletubby?

- Lola, am I or am

I not allowed to call my bachelorette party

whatever I want?

- I dont care.

I hate you.

And dont you even think of misgendering me

by inviting me to your party.

- You better work.

- Matthew, I am a transwoman not a drag queen,

you fucking retard,

and I can say that because I used to be one.

Oh, shit, I meant faggot.

Sorry, Matthew.

- None taken, doll. - Oh!

[upbeat music]

- Oh, noodles, look at you.

You took our date night seriously.

- What? Date night?

Oh, shit, I thought you were joking.

No, I have plans with Billy tonight.

He did a headshot mailing and got us gigs as seat fillers

at the Mark Twain Awards ceremony.

Theyre honoring "Mozart in the Jungle" this year.

- I was going to bring this up during dinner,

but, string cheese, I got a call from my mother today.

She and my dad read your piece.

- Oh, did they like it?

- They were disappointed that it was so tonally different

than my brothers wedding announcement

in their golf clubs newsletter.

- Thats fair enough. - Bank holiday,

I didnt know you were writing about me too.

- Arthur, you read it too!

- Yes, you made our relationship seem like a humdrum destination

after all the grief-related fucking and sucking.

- Wow, sounds like someones jealous

of something that happened 15 years ago,

which was not my fault, Arthur.

It was Al Qaedas.

So if you want to be mad at someone,

be mad at Mohamed Atta.

- I am.

[rock music]

- Im so glad we got a driver who needed

to tell us his opinions on musical theater.

- I dont care how many Tonys it won.

The only thing more insufferable than "Fun Home"

is riding in this car with you idiots.

Serves us right for getting a cut rate

Uber ride sharing bad jalopy

with a bush on the grill.

- A fucking nightmare.

You know, talking to strangers is, in a way,

its own kind of terrorism.

Kevin Spacey says to always initiate a scene

even if the other actor technically talks first.

- Jesus Christ.

Is this the line?

- Yeah, theyre doing a bag check

because of the bronze alert.

- Thank you.

See, that is the only extent

to which I am comfortable talking to stranger.

- How crazy is this weather?

- No, no, no, no, no. - Turn around asshole.

Okay, so the comments on my 9/11 essay

are only getting meaner. Listen to this one.

"Whore should have spent her week volunteering

at Ground Zero instead of fitting 11 dicks in her mouth."

- Whos to say you couldnt do both?

That was a long week.

- Yeah, multi-tasking. - Excuse me.

Im sorry to overhear,

but did you write that article about fucking 9 guys

and blowing 11 during the week of 9/11?

- I certainly did, and I certainly did.

- I like that piece. - Hey, thanks.

- Im Sarah Nussbaum.

Im a development executive at Josh Gads company, Gadzooks.

- Wow, Josh Gads company is based in New York?

Julie, the terrorists dont stand a chance.

So whats Josh Gad like?

- Oh, I dont know. Ive never met him.

Hes really busy,

but Im in charge of the film department there.

Has anyone ever talked to you about optioning that essay?

- Well, sometimes when I take a bath

I pretend my dogs are Dana Brunetti

and Kevin Spacey and I pitch them, but-

- Aw, thats really sad.

Why dont you come by tomorrow, and well talk about it?

- Seriously? - Yeah.

- Oh, my God. Yes, thank you.

- Okay, so now Im going to go back

to standing behind you silently so its nice and awkward.

- Really?

- No, Im going to go to the front

and tell security Im a VIP.

See you tomorrow.

- Julie, thats awesome! - Aaaah!

- Wow, you know, Id heard

about adult coloring books

and how theyre supposed to relieve stress,

but I didnt realize they depicted

actual adult situations, you know?

but look how pretty I made my herniated disks.

- Oh, yeah.

We love how you can breathe color into certain situations

like, considering an affair. - Mm-hmm.

- Which is why we optioned it for a movie.

- Great idea.

- Speaking of which,

we think your essay would make a really great movie.

We love how empowering it is to young women.

- You know, that was my goal.

Yeah, I remember thinking half way

through blow job number eight,

"Someday thisll be good for women."

- We love things that are good for women.

- Theres so much out there thats bad for women.

- So much bad for women.

- But then someone comes along whos brave,

whos not a size zero,

but is still okay with being seen,

and that is so empowering.

- Because then youre like,

"At least Im not as fat as her."

- Right? - Yes.

- Yeah.

The point is, were so excited to bring your voice to film.

- And we have an amazing co-writer we want you to meet.

- This means so much to me, you guys.

You know, recently I was actually kind of worried

that I wasnt a girls girl.

- Dont be a stupid bitch. [laughter]

- I even hung out with a group of Italian girls

from New Jersey who,

as I think about it, were pretty anti-Semitic.

But now I realize I can fit in with other girls,

and I dont need to pretend to be someone else.

- You know what else is empowering?

Do you know that musical, "Fun Home?"

Were making that into an online multi-platform game

for Xbox.

- What a great idea. - Right?

- I love "Fun Home."

- Yeah! [laughter]

- Poor Matthew.

One sip of a Capri Tini and hes out like a light.

- You would think that a Capri Sun with a splash of rosé

wouldnt have that much kick, and yet--

- My baby may not be able to handle alcohol,

but he can handle plenty of other things,

you know what I mean? - Yes.

- My cock. - Nope, no.

- Its a big one. - Im leaving.

- Hey, Denise and I said

wed only pay you to be at this party

if you stayed the whole time.

- Youre right.

And Kevin Spacey does say,

"If they pay you, you have to show up."

Thats from class eight

which is exclusively about his voiceover work

in "A Bugs Life."

- Lets start playing the games.

Pass the torch?

Wheres the candle? - Oh.

This was the last one left at the deli.

- I can fit this in,

but whoever I pass it to had better be very relaxed.

Its ass to ass, men,

as we did it in the Great War.

Are you in?

- No. And, Nate,

that is a Yahrzeit candle.

You light one on the anniversary of someones death.

I was looking for one for my dad.

- Oh, well, lets do that instead of Elmers weird game.

- Okay, but you have to keep it burning for 24 hours.

- Well, what the fuck am I supposed to do,

go slink off into a corner and self-suck my own hog?

- Im straight. - This party is no fucking good.

- I hate to admit this, Mr. Brunetti, Mr. Spacey,

but Im really nervous.

Gadzooks is sending over this hot shit writer tomorrow,

Harvey something, and if we hit it off,

were gonna write our 9/11 movie together.

- Noodles, whenever you do pitch meetings

in the middle of the night,

I dont have hot water to take a shower.

- I have to talk to the dogs

because every time I bring up my essay with you,

you get all weird.

Now, please, take Mr. Spacey for a walk.

I think he took a shit under the couch.

[light rock music]

♪ ♪

[knock at door]

- Harvey, known for comedy.

"Blues Brothers 2000."

"Police Academy 6."

And if youre asking yourself,

what could I bring to your little fuck romp,

I was executive consultant

on "Red Shoe Diaries," seasons 3, 6,

and a good chunk of 8.

Wheres your toilet?

- Matthew, I have been here corpse-sitting your fiancé,

but this "Weekend at Bernies"

is coming to a close,

and his best friend, Marie, hasnt even shown up yet.

- Her flight was delayed because of the terror alert.

- Well, I dont know what you want me to do.

Hes moping around here like Tony Bennett

during Gagas parts of "Baby Its Cold Outside."

Get over here, and pick him up.

- Im getting married tomorrow.

I cant have Elmer see me before the wedding.

Its bad enough Ive been sending pics

of my hole from the salon.

This bleachers a maestro.

- Do you have anything else you want to say that proves

Victoria Jackson was right? Or else Im hanging up.

Good-bye.

- Hey. - Oh, hey, Arthur.

Julies not here. I dont know where she is.

- Shes home. Shes not talking to me.

She has some writer guy coming over

so I came to talk to you.

- Look, Arthur, I dont want to get involved.

- You know how she wrote this provocative article,

and she says Im slutshaming her?

- What, were you freaked out that she fucked 20 guys

in a week? - Lightweight.

- So, what, were you jealous?

- Is it weird if I say yes?

- Well, it is a little straight guy of you, but--

- Well, I dont exactly think of myself

as the mouth-breathing caveman type.

- Arthur, I dont know from sexism, okay?

When I saw "I Stand With Wendy" was trending on Twitter,

I thought the Snapple lady had died,

but I guess I do think

that when you judge someone for sucking too much dick,

youre dragging gay men and straight women down.

- Im the opposite of homophobic.

- Then prove it. Suck my dick.

- No, thank you.

- Anyone who dates Julie

is gonna have to be a little gay.

Im not saying effeminate, although, you know,

you already straddle that line with a very delicate balance.

- I like my handkerchief collection.

- Yeah, me too.

- Please, dont even look at him.

Hell take it the wrong way.

All Im saying is, gays,

we dont really get jealous of the guys

that came in the past.

Treat Julie right now, and you wont have to worry

about there being guys that come after you.

- Yeah, that makes sense.

Thank you.

- Yeah, come here. - Oh, come here.

- All right. - Ah, now at last

were getting somewhere. - Go home.

- Bye. - Save yourself.

Pull that zipper back up.

Zip it, zip it.

There you go.

- So I said to Miss Sherilyn Fenn,

"Hey, missy, you could be replaced."

But this was when my IBS was at its peak.

Would you like to see my CableACE Award?

- No, thank you, Harvey, for the third time.

And would you please keep the food that you brought

and refused to share in your mouth

and not on the floor, okay?

My dogs cant eat that much pastrami.

- Noodles, whats that smell? - Its bad ideas

and whatever cologne this hack bathed in.

- That, pussy, is my foot spray.

How are you?

Harvey. Known for comedy.

Would you like to see my CableACE Award?

This one was for "Dream On,"

the first sitcom to show yabbos.

- Im Arthur Tack, Julies boyfriend.

- Boyfriend?

Really? - Yeah, why?

- Ive always been fascinated

by men who are interested in loose women.

- Excuse me? - No, no,

no, you like what you like.

I like what I like.

And, aah, "Different Strokes,"

a sitcom, by the way,

that fired me because they claimed

that my pitches were racist and unfunny.

Here, let me tell you

why I should be able to use the N word.

- Listen, you dinosaur,

you dont get to come into my house

and slutshame my girlfriend.

- No, no, no shame,

just some girls are meant to schtup

and some are meant to marry.

- Whomever my girlfriend was intimate with

before she met me has nothing to do with me

and is nothing for her to be embarrassed by.

Besides, I fucked inexperienced women before and its awful.

- Well, I am not leaving until I finish my sour pickle.

In fact, Ill bet Carrot Top here

has left many a man with a case of sour pickle.

- You son of a bitch.

Oh.

- Ow, ow, ow. - How do you like that?

- Stop. - Oh, Jesus.

[laughing and grunting]

- Ow, ow, not my hair.

Ow, ow, my face.

- Sweetie, whats the Zappos password again?

So youre sure youre okay with me

not wanting to work with Harvey?

- Oh, my God.

Of course.

- I was so nervous when I called you.

- Oh, no, in fact,

we think we found a brilliant solution.

- A brilliant solution.

- Fern, come in and say hi.

- Hi.

- Oh, such an original voice.

Julie, meet Fern Fujihara.

She Snapchats food that she doesnt eat

that she balances on the forehead of her guinea pig,

and she is going to be adapting your life story

for the screen.

- Wait, Im sorry,

so you want me to write a screenplay

with a 14-year-old?

- Oh, no, shes gonna write it with Harvey.

- You said you didnt want to.

- But dont worry, shes gonna write it in your voice.

- Shes gonna write it in my voice?

Who is she, Rich fucking Little?

- Whos that?

Does he write for Rookie?

- No, no, no, no.

This is my story. This is my voice.

Nobody can write in my voice.

- Julie. - Wheres Josh Gad?

Josh Gad?

- Julie, hes not here.

- Josh Gad? - Hes never here.

- Josh?

- So you told them to eat shit?

- Well, technically I blamed my little outburst

on low blood sugar,

locked myself in the ladies room,

ate a Twix bar, and when I came out I said

that Harvey and Fern were a dream pairing,

and Id love to be involved with the project in any capacity.

- Oh, this is so degrading.

I bet this is what Kevin Spacey feels like

when some hot, young Latino guy

doesnt get his Jack Lemmon impression.

- Well, the good news is if I make nice and hang out,

they might even let me name some of the characters.

- So youre not giving up?

- No. Im selling out.

- Well, as long as life continues to disappoint us,

Im going to pee. Excuse me.

- Oh, hey, Im just looking for the bathroom.

- Come here. I need help with my cuff link.

- Im so sorry, I have to pee.

- No, come on, give an old-timer a hand,

you piece of shit.

- Okay.

- They belonged to my grandfather.

Genuine wooly mammoth ivory.

- I feel like Carl Reiner

interviewing the 2, 000-year-old bottom.

- First of all, Im versatile.

Second, I know you think Im a walking corpse

that you have nothing in common with, but youre wrong.

Ah, thank you.

When I was your age I was just as single as you are,

and things were a lot worse back then.

- Were they? Because now everyone lives

in constant fear of terrorism,

and everyone meets on their phones now,

and you got to be a fucking bear or an otter,

and even if you do meet someone,

you never really know who they are,

and then they turn out to be fucking cannibals

or theyre old-timey neo-Nazis.

What the fucking fuck? Why me?

- Because you say shit like "why me?"

Self-pity is like eating a piece of bad fish.

And Im not talking about pussy. - Delightful.

Can you get to the point of your elderly wisdom please?

I must pee.

- [stammering]

When you eat bad food you feel sick,

you fart all the time,

and no one wants to be around you.

And thats where you are.

Youre a big fart,

and no one wants to be around you.

- Excuse me? I have friends. A friend.

- Then stop being such an impatient New Yorker.

It took me 97 years to meet Matthew,

but if you think I spent my whole life without love,

youre as stupid as Fatty Arbuckle,

that stupid piece of shit.

- So glad you brought him up.

- Elmer.

Oh, Elmer, darling.

I am so sorry Im late.

- Marie. Mwah.

- Marie. Youre real.

- Whos this idiot?

- Oh, hes just some mopey little faggot

whos convinced hes gonna die alone.

- Oh, well, boo fucking hoo.

Im Elmers hag.

Do you know, those pig fuckers at the TSA

patted me down so hard I almost squirted.

But its gonna take more than a second 9/11

to keep me away from my best friends gay wedding.

- Maries the gal whose love sustained me

through the last century.

- Oh, and not the easiest century for gay men either.

- Nor sluts. - Hey, fuck you.

- Ha! - We have fun.

- This looks familiar.

- Marie? Who knew?

- Her and Elmer are actually pretty cute.

Arthur, what happened to your eye?

- I incurred the displeasure of a hacky comedy writer

who called Julie a hooker.

- Oh, Im sorry.

Excuse me, you look familiar. Did we?

- Fuck the week of 9/11? - Yes!

[both laughing] How are you?

- Im great. You look well.

- You look well.

Speaking of, I mean, this wedding--

Oh, got you. [mumbling]

- Great seeing you. Never forget.

- Hi, everyone.

My name is Rita, and Im an ordained minister,

and Ill be performing todays nuptials.

Another fun fact is I live in the attic

of this banquet hall with my roommate, Kiki.

- If theres anyone in the congregation

whod like to buy some uppers, ludes,

angel dust or bennies, Im holding.

- She sure is.

And you know what else Kikis holding?

Key to my heart.

- Oh, really. Youre too much.

- So we have to save the rest for later.

Lets get this road on the show.

Hit it, Kiki.

[electronic rendition of "The Wedding March"]

♪ ♪

Ladies and gentlemen,

this evenings performance, the role of the wedding,

will now be played by a funeral.

Apparently Elmer has suddenly died.

- What? - Chord change.

- Okay, everybody stay in their seats.

- No.

- This happens all the time, okay?

Funeral. Funeral.

Super sweet 16.

Father-daughter virginity pledge, oh, my God.

- Ladies and gentlemen, ever since Elmer and I met,

he has died, technically, every day,

from between 30 seconds and four minutes.

Even still, I find myself completely unprepared.

Key of B flat please.

Thank you.

["Ave Maria" playing]

- Ah.

♪ Ave ♪

♪ Maria ♪

♪ Gratia plena ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Maria ♪

♪ Gratia plena ♪

♪ Maria gratia plena ♪

- Just think, someday that could be us.

- I hope I fit into a body bag that size.

- Elmer and I met at a urinal.

I remember the first thing I said was,

"Hey, save some of that for me."

- Oh, no. - Not this again.

[groans and chatter] No.

[rock music]

- The weathers terrible. What do you want to do?

Should we see a bad movie? - Oh, definitely.

And in honor of your dad, when the lights come up.

Im gonna say, "I loved it!"

- And in honor of Elmer, I will expose my genitals

to everyone at Fandango.

- Hey, look whos open to love again.

- To be honest, I got to episode 13

of Kevin Spaceys Master Class,

and it was pretty much just him yelling at the lighting guy

to try to make his wig look real,

and I thought, "I dont want to be like that."

- Good for you. Im proud of you.

You sure youre not disappointed in me

in not telling the Gadzooks people

to go fuck themselves?

- Of course not.

This is show business.

Weve done worse for less.

[horn honking]

- Hey, are you guys the folks

that ordered the Here Comes the Choo-Choo?

Hope you dont mind sitting backwards in the caboose.

- Maybe we should just say fuck the Amber Alert

and take the subway.

- They say we shouldnt take it.

They dont say we cant take it. - Yeah.

I dont know if its Elmer or what,

but life is too short to wait around,

whether its for a car thats wearing a hat

or a boyfriend

or the perfect opportunity for you to write your own movie.

- Yeah, besides, were New Yorkers; we hate waiting.

- Yeah, were impatient and unhappy.

- By the way, in those Master Class videos,

did Kevin Spacey say anything about Robin Wright?

Specifically whether or not she keeps M&Ms

in that hole she has in her collarbone?

- Oh, yeah, she does, but she only eats them

on her cheat day. - [laughs]

- Oh, my God, its Pizza Rat!

[laughter]

[Belle & Sebastians "The Party Line"]

[driving punk rock music]

♪ ♪

MAN: ♪ How did I get here? ♪

♪ I heard a rumor ♪

♪ From your girlfriends sister ♪

♪ That you knew me ♪

♪ And you end up dancing close to me ♪