All language subtitles for Difficult.People.S02E10_English

- How much longer do we have
to wait for this car?

Which app is this again?

- Oh, its called GoX.

Its short for Goatee Express

because their cars
have goatees on them.

- Ugh, these ride sharing
apps are so humiliating.

- But what are we supposed
to do?

New York Citys
on high alert,

and were not supposed
to use the subways.

- What choice do we have

besides riding in cars
with facial hair on them?

- My favorite Penny Marshall-
Drew Barrymore collaboration.

- And here I am running around,

and I still cant find
a Yahrzeit candle for my dad.

I dont understand.
How is this New York?

- When the citys on edge,
everybody just stocks up

on things like candles.

They dont care that
theyre Jewish memorial candles

you light on the anniversary
of a loved ones death.

- Why would they care
this is the first time

since 2010 I havent been able
to light a candle for my dad?

And that was a tough year.
We lost my dad,

and Mel Gibson said you can see
Oksanas pussy from behind.

- I miss seeing movies
with your dad.

- He loved everything.

Remember that time
we saw "Welcome to Mooseport"

and the lights went up
and he said, "I loved it."

Meanwhile, I dont
have a boyfriend,

and I hate having
all these human emotions.

Maybe I should just give up
trying to find love, you know?

Im gonna go
the Kevin Spacey route.

Just stop trying
to be a human being,

and just focus
on getting famous,

and then after I have
a Netflix show,

focus all of my frustrations

on a boyfriend young enough
to be my own son.

- I was about
to say I dont think

theres anything
much more depressing than that,

but here comes our ride.

[horn honking]

I cant believe
that stupid goatee

is gonna be the last thing
we ever see

before were brutally murdered.

- Loophole, come to bed.

You only got nine hours
last night,

and I never heard the end of it.

- I cant.
I have to recap

"Bachelorette,"
which is what you do

when you dont have a real job
writing comedy for television.

- Im not taking your rose.

You hooked up
with those two guys on the show.

I heard you blew them.

- Oh, that is so fucked up.

I mean, just because Ashley
has the good sense

to chow down
on the free chorizo buffet

ABC was kind enough
to lay out for her,

that dipshit is shaming her like
shes some kind of a whore.

- An update
on the citys terror threat,

which has been raised
from rose gold to bronze.

- Fuck, this better not dip
into the rest of the show.

I taped this.
Goddamn it.

How am I supposed
to do my recap?

- Why dont you just go online,
and find out who she sent home,

and take it from there,
dad bod?

- Yeah, tell me who went home,
Jezebel.

Oh, Jesus Christ, Fern Fujihara?

This 14-year-old took
a picture of a doughnut

that she put
on a rodents head,

and now shes repped by CAA?

Fuck this world.

- Good night, Blu-ray.

- Wow, your editor was okay
with you submitting

this personal essay instead of
your "Bachelorette" recap?

- To be honest with you
I dont think she even read it.

I feel like she just
hits publish.

Theres rumors
that shes actually a goose.

- I cant believe
you wrote your 9/11 piece.

It must have taken you
all night.

- Well,
I procrastinated a little.

- Oh, was that
when you sent me the link

to Kevin Spaceys
online acting classes?

- As a matter of fact, it is.

A $90 gag gift,

but it will be worth every penny

as long as it takes you
a step further on your journey

to becoming Mr. Kevin Spacey.

- Oh, it already is.
Look at this.

Sometimes you are the chicken,

and sometimes you are the corn.

- Ah, thats amazing!

- What are you two sucking
each others dicks about now?

- Julie wrote an article about
how during the week of 9/11

she was so overcome with grief

that she self-medicated

by fucking 9 random guys
and blowing 11.

- Way to give Donald Rumsfeld
exactly what he wanted.

- Oh, are we talking
about sowing our wild oats?

Hey, do you want to hear
the story about the scar

I got on
Merv Griffins houseboat?

- No, go away.

- Okay, fine,
I havent shaved anyway.

Speaking of which,
my big wedding is in two days,

and you all are invited
to my bachelorette party.

- Why dont you call it
a bachelor party,

you Goddamn Teletubby?

- Lola, am I or am

I not allowed to call
my bachelorette party

whatever I want?

- I dont care.

I hate you.

And dont you even think
of misgendering me

by inviting me to your party.

- You better work.

- Matthew, I am a transwoman
not a drag queen,

you fucking retard,

and I can say that
because I used to be one.

Oh, shit, I meant faggot.

Sorry, Matthew.

- None taken, doll.
- Oh!

[upbeat music]

- Oh, noodles, look at you.

You took our date night
seriously.

- What? Date night?

Oh, shit, I thought
you were joking.

No, I have plans
with Billy tonight.

He did a headshot mailing
and got us gigs as seat fillers

at the Mark Twain
Awards ceremony.

Theyre honoring "Mozart
in the Jungle" this year.

- I was going
to bring this up during dinner,

but, string cheese, I got a call
from my mother today.

She and my dad read your piece.

- Oh, did they like it?

- They were disappointed
that it was so tonally different

than my brothers
wedding announcement

in their golf clubs newsletter.

- Thats fair enough.
- Bank holiday,

I didnt know
you were writing about me too.

- Arthur, you read it too!

- Yes, you made our relationship
seem like a humdrum destination

after all the grief-related
fucking and sucking.

- Wow, sounds
like someones jealous

of something
that happened 15 years ago,

which was not my fault, Arthur.

It was Al Qaedas.

So if you want
to be mad at someone,

be mad at Mohamed Atta.

- I am.

[rock music]

- Im so glad we got
a driver who needed

to tell us his opinions
on musical theater.

- I dont care how many
Tonys it won.

The only thing more insufferable
than "Fun Home"

is riding in this car
with you idiots.

Serves us right
for getting a cut rate

Uber ride sharing bad jalopy

with a bush on the grill.

- A fucking nightmare.

You know, talking to strangers
is, in a way,

its own kind of terrorism.

Kevin Spacey says to always
initiate a scene

even if the other actor
technically talks first.

- Jesus Christ.

Is this the line?

- Yeah, theyre doing
a bag check

because of the bronze alert.

- Thank you.

See, that is the only extent

to which I am comfortable
talking to stranger.

- How crazy is this weather?

- No, no, no, no, no.
- Turn around asshole.

Okay, so the comments
on my 9/11 essay

are only getting meaner.
Listen to this one.

"Whore should have spent
her week volunteering

at Ground Zero instead of
fitting 11 dicks in her mouth."

- Whos to say
you couldnt do both?

That was a long week.

- Yeah, multi-tasking.
- Excuse me.

Im sorry to overhear,

but did you write that article
about fucking 9 guys

and blowing 11
during the week of 9/11?

- I certainly did,
and I certainly did.

- I like that piece.
- Hey, thanks.

- Im Sarah Nussbaum.

Im a development executive
at Josh Gads company, Gadzooks.

- Wow, Josh Gads company
is based in New York?

Julie, the terrorists
dont stand a chance.

So whats Josh Gad like?

- Oh, I dont know.
Ive never met him.

Hes really busy,

but Im in charge
of the film department there.

Has anyone ever talked to you
about optioning that essay?

- Well,
sometimes when I take a bath

I pretend my dogs
are Dana Brunetti

and Kevin Spacey
and I pitch them, but-

- Aw, thats really sad.

Why dont you come by tomorrow,
and well talk about it?

- Seriously?
- Yeah.

- Oh, my God.
Yes, thank you.

- Okay, so now
Im going to go back

to standing behind you silently
so its nice and awkward.

- Really?

- No, Im going
to go to the front

and tell security Im a VIP.

See you tomorrow.

- Julie, thats awesome!
- Aaaah!

- Wow, you know,
Id heard

about adult coloring books

and how theyre supposed
to relieve stress,

but I didnt realize
they depicted

actual adult situations,
you know?

but look how pretty
I made my herniated disks.

- Oh, yeah.

We love how you can breathe
color into certain situations

like, considering an affair.
- Mm-hmm.

- Which is why we optioned it
for a movie.

- Great idea.

- Speaking of which,

we think your essay would make
a really great movie.

We love how empowering
it is to young women.

- You know, that was my goal.

Yeah, I remember
thinking half way

through blow job number eight,

"Someday thisll be
good for women."

- We love things
that are good for women.

- Theres so much out there
thats bad for women.

- So much bad for women.

- But then someone
comes along whos brave,

whos not a size zero,

but is still okay
with being seen,

and that is so empowering.

- Because then youre like,

"At least Im not
as fat as her."

- Right?
- Yes.

- Yeah.

The point is, were so excited
to bring your voice to film.

- And we have an amazing
co-writer we want you to meet.

- This means so much
to me, you guys.

You know, recently I was
actually kind of worried

that I wasnt a girls girl.

- Dont be a stupid bitch.
[laughter]

- I even hung out with a group
of Italian girls

from New Jersey who,

as I think about it,
were pretty anti-Semitic.

But now I realize I can
fit in with other girls,

and I dont need to pretend
to be someone else.

- You know what else
is empowering?

Do you know that musical,
"Fun Home?"

Were making that into
an online multi-platform game

for Xbox.

- What a great idea.
- Right?

- I love "Fun Home."

- Yeah!
[laughter]

- Poor Matthew.

One sip of a Capri Tini
and hes out like a light.

- You would think that a Capri
Sun with a splash of rosé

wouldnt have
that much kick, and yet--

- My baby may not be able
to handle alcohol,

but he can handle
plenty of other things,

you know what I mean?
- Yes.

- My cock.
- Nope, no.

- Its a big one.
- Im leaving.

- Hey, Denise and I said

wed only pay you
to be at this party

if you stayed the whole time.

- Youre right.

And Kevin Spacey does say,

"If they pay you,
you have to show up."

Thats from class eight

which is exclusively
about his voiceover work

in "A Bugs Life."

- Lets start playing the games.

Pass the torch?

Wheres the candle?
- Oh.

This was the last one
left at the deli.

- I can fit this in,

but whoever I pass it to
had better be very relaxed.

Its ass to ass, men,

as we did it
in the Great War.

Are you in?

- No. And, Nate,

that is a Yahrzeit candle.

You light one on the anniversary
of someones death.

I was looking for
one for my dad.

- Oh, well, lets do that
instead of Elmers weird game.

- Okay, but you have
to keep it burning for 24 hours.

- Well, what the fuck
am I supposed to do,

go slink off into a corner
and self-suck my own hog?

- Im straight.
- This party is no fucking good.

- I hate to admit this,
Mr. Brunetti, Mr. Spacey,

but Im really nervous.

Gadzooks is sending over
this hot shit writer tomorrow,

Harvey something,
and if we hit it off,

were gonna write
our 9/11 movie together.

- Noodles,
whenever you do pitch meetings

in the middle of the night,

I dont have hot water
to take a shower.

- I have to talk to the dogs

because every time
I bring up my essay with you,

you get all weird.

Now, please,
take Mr. Spacey for a walk.

I think he took a shit
under the couch.

[light rock music]

♪ ♪

[knock at door]

- Harvey, known for comedy.

"Blues Brothers 2000."

"Police Academy 6."

And if youre asking yourself,

what could I bring
to your little fuck romp,

I was executive consultant

on "Red Shoe Diaries,"
seasons 3, 6,

and a good chunk of 8.

Wheres your toilet?

- Matthew, I have been here
corpse-sitting your fiancé,

but this "Weekend
at Bernies"

is coming to a close,

and his best friend, Marie,
hasnt even shown up yet.

- Her flight was delayed
because of the terror alert.

- Well, I dont know
what you want me to do.

Hes moping around here
like Tony Bennett

during Gagas parts
of "Baby Its Cold Outside."

Get over here, and pick him up.

- Im getting married tomorrow.

I cant have Elmer
see me before the wedding.

Its bad enough
Ive been sending pics

of my hole from the salon.

This bleachers a maestro.

- Do you have anything else
you want to say that proves

Victoria Jackson was right?
Or else Im hanging up.

Good-bye.

- Hey.
- Oh, hey, Arthur.

Julies not here.
I dont know where she is.

- Shes home.
Shes not talking to me.

She has some writer guy
coming over

so I came to talk to you.

- Look, Arthur,
I dont want to get involved.

- You know how she wrote
this provocative article,

and she says
Im slutshaming her?

- What, were you freaked out
that she fucked 20 guys

in a week?
- Lightweight.

- So, what, were you jealous?

- Is it weird if I say yes?

- Well, it is a little
straight guy of you, but--

- Well, I dont exactly
think of myself

as the mouth-breathing
caveman type.

- Arthur,
I dont know from sexism, okay?

When I saw "I Stand With Wendy"
was trending on Twitter,

I thought
the Snapple lady had died,

but I guess I do think

that when you judge someone
for sucking too much dick,

youre dragging gay men
and straight women down.

- Im the opposite
of homophobic.

- Then prove it.
Suck my dick.

- No, thank you.

- Anyone who dates Julie

is gonna have
to be a little gay.

Im not saying effeminate,
although, you know,

you already straddle that line
with a very delicate balance.

- I like my handkerchief
collection.

- Yeah, me too.

- Please, dont even
look at him.

Hell take it the wrong way.

All Im saying is, gays,

we dont really
get jealous of the guys

that came in the past.

Treat Julie right now,
and you wont have to worry

about there being guys
that come after you.

- Yeah, that makes sense.

Thank you.

- Yeah, come here.
- Oh, come here.

- All right.
- Ah, now at last

were getting somewhere.
- Go home.

- Bye.
- Save yourself.

Pull that zipper back up.

Zip it, zip it.

There you go.

- So I said to
Miss Sherilyn Fenn,

"Hey, missy,
you could be replaced."

But this was when my IBS
was at its peak.

Would you like to see
my CableACE Award?

- No, thank you, Harvey,
for the third time.

And would you please keep
the food that you brought

and refused to share
in your mouth

and not on the floor, okay?

My dogs cant eat
that much pastrami.

- Noodles, whats that smell?
- Its bad ideas

and whatever cologne
this hack bathed in.

- That, pussy, is my foot spray.

How are you?

Harvey.
Known for comedy.

Would you like to see
my CableACE Award?

This one was for "Dream On,"

the first sitcom
to show yabbos.

- Im Arthur Tack,
Julies boyfriend.

- Boyfriend?

Really?
- Yeah, why?

- Ive always been fascinated

by men who are interested
in loose women.

- Excuse me?
- No, no,

no, you like what you like.

I like what I like.

And, aah, "Different Strokes,"

a sitcom, by the way,

that fired me
because they claimed

that my pitches
were racist and unfunny.

Here, let me tell you

why I should be able
to use the N word.

- Listen, you dinosaur,

you dont get to come
into my house

and slutshame my girlfriend.

- No, no,
no shame,

just some girls
are meant to schtup

and some are meant to marry.

- Whomever my girlfriend
was intimate with

before she met me
has nothing to do with me

and is nothing for her
to be embarrassed by.

Besides, I fucked inexperienced
women before and its awful.

- Well, I am not leaving
until I finish my sour pickle.

In fact, Ill bet
Carrot Top here

has left many a man
with a case of sour pickle.

- You son of a bitch.

Oh.

- Ow, ow, ow.
- How do you like that?

- Stop.
- Oh, Jesus.

[laughing and grunting]

- Ow, ow, not my hair.

Ow, ow, my face.

- Sweetie, whats
the Zappos password again?

So youre sure
youre okay with me

not wanting to work with Harvey?

- Oh, my God.

Of course.

- I was so nervous
when I called you.

- Oh, no, in fact,

we think we found
a brilliant solution.

- A brilliant solution.

- Fern, come in and say hi.

- Hi.

- Oh, such an original voice.

Julie, meet Fern Fujihara.

She Snapchats food
that she doesnt eat

that she balances on
the forehead of her guinea pig,

and she is going to be
adapting your life story

for the screen.

- Wait, Im sorry,

so you want me
to write a screenplay

with a 14-year-old?

- Oh, no, shes gonna
write it with Harvey.

- You said you didnt want to.

- But dont worry, shes gonna
write it in your voice.

- Shes gonna write it
in my voice?

Who is she, Rich fucking Little?

- Whos that?

Does he write for Rookie?

- No, no, no, no.

This is my story.
This is my voice.

Nobody can write in my voice.

- Julie.
- Wheres Josh Gad?

Josh Gad?

- Julie, hes not here.

- Josh Gad?
- Hes never here.

- Josh?

- So you told them to eat shit?

- Well, technically
I blamed my little outburst

on low blood sugar,

locked myself
in the ladies room,

ate a Twix bar,
and when I came out I said

that Harvey and Fern
were a dream pairing,

and Id love to be involved with
the project in any capacity.

- Oh, this is so degrading.

I bet this is what Kevin Spacey
feels like

when some hot, young Latino guy

doesnt get
his Jack Lemmon impression.

- Well, the good news
is if I make nice and hang out,

they might even let me name
some of the characters.

- So youre not giving up?

- No. Im selling out.

- Well, as long as life
continues to disappoint us,

Im going to pee.
Excuse me.

- Oh, hey, Im just
looking for the bathroom.

- Come here.
I need help with my cuff link.

- Im so sorry, I have to pee.

- No, come on,
give an old-timer a hand,

you piece of shit.

- Okay.

- They belonged
to my grandfather.

Genuine wooly mammoth ivory.

- I feel like Carl Reiner

interviewing
the 2, 000-year-old bottom.

- First of all, Im versatile.

Second, I know you think
Im a walking corpse

that you have nothing in common
with, but youre wrong.

Ah, thank you.

When I was your age
I was just as single as you are,

and things were a lot worse
back then.

- Were they?
Because now everyone lives

in constant fear of terrorism,

and everyone meets
on their phones now,

and you got to be
a fucking bear or an otter,

and even if you do meet someone,

you never really know
who they are,

and then they turn out
to be fucking cannibals

or theyre old-timey neo-Nazis.

What the fucking fuck?
Why me?

- Because you say shit
like "why me?"

Self-pity is like eating
a piece of bad fish.

And Im not talking about pussy.
- Delightful.

Can you get to the point
of your elderly wisdom please?

I must pee.

- [stammering]

When you eat bad food
you feel sick,

you fart all the time,

and no one wants
to be around you.

And thats where you are.

Youre a big fart,

and no one wants
to be around you.

- Excuse me?
I have friends. A friend.

- Then stop being such
an impatient New Yorker.

It took me 97 years
to meet Matthew,

but if you think I spent
my whole life without love,

youre as stupid
as Fatty Arbuckle,

that stupid piece of shit.

- So glad you brought him up.

- Elmer.

Oh, Elmer, darling.

I am so sorry Im late.

- Marie.
Mwah.

- Marie.
Youre real.

- Whos this idiot?

- Oh, hes just
some mopey little faggot

whos convinced
hes gonna die alone.

- Oh, well, boo fucking hoo.

Im Elmers hag.

Do you know,
those pig fuckers at the TSA

patted me down so hard
I almost squirted.

But its gonna take more
than a second 9/11

to keep me away from
my best friends gay wedding.

- Maries the gal
whose love sustained me

through the last century.

- Oh, and not the easiest
century for gay men either.

- Nor sluts.
- Hey, fuck you.

- Ha!
- We have fun.

- This looks familiar.

- Marie? Who knew?

- Her and Elmer
are actually pretty cute.

Arthur, what happened
to your eye?

- I incurred the displeasure
of a hacky comedy writer

who called Julie a hooker.

- Oh, Im sorry.

Excuse me, you look familiar.
Did we?

- Fuck the week of 9/11?
- Yes!

[both laughing]
How are you?

- Im great.
You look well.

- You look well.

Speaking of, I mean,
this wedding--

Oh, got you.
[mumbling]

- Great seeing you.
Never forget.

- Hi, everyone.

My name is Rita,
and Im an ordained minister,

and Ill be performing
todays nuptials.

Another fun fact
is I live in the attic

of this banquet hall
with my roommate, Kiki.

- If theres anyone
in the congregation

whod like to buy
some uppers, ludes,

angel dust or bennies,
Im holding.

- She sure is.

And you know what else
Kikis holding?

Key to my heart.

- Oh, really.
Youre too much.

- So we have to save the rest
for later.

Lets get this road on the show.

Hit it, Kiki.

[electronic rendition of
"The Wedding March"]

♪ ♪

Ladies and gentlemen,

this evenings performance,
the role of the wedding,

will now be played
by a funeral.

Apparently Elmer
has suddenly died.

- What?
- Chord change.

- Okay, everybody
stay in their seats.

- No.

- This happens all
the time, okay?

Funeral.
Funeral.

Super sweet 16.

Father-daughter
virginity pledge, oh, my God.

- Ladies and gentlemen,
ever since Elmer and I met,

he has died, technically,
every day,

from between 30 seconds
and four minutes.

Even still, I find myself
completely unprepared.

Key of B flat please.

Thank you.

["Ave Maria" playing]

- Ah.

♪ Ave ♪

♪ Maria ♪

♪ Gratia plena ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Maria ♪

♪ Gratia plena ♪

♪ Maria gratia plena ♪

- Just think,
someday that could be us.

- I hope I fit into a body bag
that size.

- Elmer and I met at a urinal.

I remember the first thing
I said was,

"Hey, save some of that for me."

- Oh, no.
- Not this again.

[groans and chatter]
No.

[rock music]

- The weathers terrible.
What do you want to do?

Should we see a bad movie?
- Oh, definitely.

And in honor of your dad,
when the lights come up.

Im gonna say, "I loved it!"

- And in honor of Elmer,
I will expose my genitals

to everyone at Fandango.

- Hey, look whos
open to love again.

- To be honest,
I got to episode 13

of Kevin Spaceys Master Class,

and it was pretty much just him
yelling at the lighting guy

to try to make
his wig look real,

and I thought, "I dont want
to be like that."

- Good for you.
Im proud of you.

You sure youre not
disappointed in me

in not telling
the Gadzooks people

to go fuck themselves?

- Of course not.

This is show business.

Weve done worse for less.

[horn honking]

- Hey, are you guys the folks

that ordered
the Here Comes the Choo-Choo?

Hope you dont mind sitting
backwards in the caboose.

- Maybe we should just say
fuck the Amber Alert

and take the subway.

- They say we shouldnt take it.

They dont say we cant take it.
- Yeah.

I dont know
if its Elmer or what,

but life is too short
to wait around,

whether its for a car
thats wearing a hat

or a boyfriend

or the perfect opportunity
for you to write your own movie.

- Yeah, besides, were New
Yorkers; we hate waiting.

- Yeah, were impatient
and unhappy.

- By the way,
in those Master Class videos,

did Kevin Spacey say anything
about Robin Wright?

Specifically whether or not
she keeps M&Ms

in that hole she has in
her collarbone?

- Oh, yeah, she does,
but she only eats them

on her cheat day.
- [laughs]

- Oh, my God,
its Pizza Rat!

[laughter]

[Belle & Sebastians
"The Party Line"]

[driving punk rock music]

♪ ♪

MAN: ♪ How did I get here? ♪

♪ I heard a rumor ♪

♪ From your girlfriends
sister ♪

♪ That you knew me ♪

♪ And you end up dancing
close to me ♪