All language subtitles for Difficult.People.S02E09_English

- Mmm.

I know coming here
was inconvenient,

but they really do have
the best cookies in the city.

- Well, they better.

It couldnt be any more
out of the way.

- Hey, lady, keep em coming.

If you can find a vein,
you can find

more high-glucose cookies
for your favorite volunteers.

- Oh, "volunteer."
Im not allowed to give blood...

because Im gay!

- So fucked up.

Everybody should be allowed
to give blood,

not just boring straight people.

- Well, I actually think
we can now,

as long as we havent had sex
in the past year.

And then before that,
the law was

as long as we havent had sex
since 1978,

so you can be a crystal meth
addict and waltz in here,

and as long as you havent eaten
ass in the past year,

its blood-ahoy!

I hate this place,

and I hate this whole
homophobic country!

- Sex before 1978
seems like it was very magical.

- Well, wed have to ask
Truman Capote.

- Hmm.
- Oh, but at least

they have this weeks
"Time Out New York."

The magazine for the loneliest
people in the world.

- I think that magazine
is left behind

more than actual suicide notes.

- Oh, Shelley Long is going
into "Fiddler on the Roof"

on the 6th.

Thatll work out.
- Yeah, beautifully.

- Oh, and its Fashion Week!
- Oh!

I better put my Crocs
in the dishwasher.

- Oh, listen to this:
Christian Siriano

is debuting his new
clown-inspired couture

at a runway show,
and instead of using models,

hes using female comedians.

Hey, you should be
in that show.

- [muffled] Yeah, I should
be a fashion model.

- Yeah. Oh, shit.
I gotta go.

I have my audition.
- Whats it for?

- Its to play
an animated beaver

who teaches kids how to use
the toilet using song and dance.

- Oh, I thought "Hannibal"
was canceled.

Animations great, though.

They never see your face,

so you may as well do something
humiliating,

as long as its lucrative.

- The good news is,
this gig is union,

so I would get
my insurance again.

Thats the only reason
Im doing it.

Its cause my shoulders still
fucked up.

- Im sorry, Billy.
That sucks.

- Im falling apart.

I wasnt even that good
to begin with.

Like "Scandal."
Good-bye.

- Break a leg!
- Enjoy your cookies,

my little blood diamond.

- Maam.
- Now what do you want?

- Can I have some milk?

[driving punk rock music]

♪ ♪

Hey, look, a line
of overdressed dumdums.

- Its definitely Fashion Week.

- Me-ow.

Who recast "Reservoir Dogs,"

and where do I send
a thank-you note?

- Oh, yeah,
those are the Ten Tens.

- What?
- The Ten Tens.

Its that group of, like,
super-hot gay guys

that go to parties
that become orgies

and orgies that become parties.
- Seriously?

Ill bet nobody in there

has ever heard an episode
of "Serial."

- Oh...
- Heaven!

- Jealous.
- We have to try to get in.

Should we do, "I left my purse
in the bathroom"?

- I think we should do
Donatella.

- Hey, Donatella!
- Donatella!

[both mimic speaking Italian]

Whyd we want to go
to this party again?

These people--ugh.

Somehow fashion people
are more superficial

than entertainment people.
- Oh, and even meaner.

All you need to do is be rude
to the right person,

and suddenly, everybody wants
to be your best friend.

Watch this.
Hey, bitch.

Are you too stupid
to eat a sandwich

or too drunk to keep it down?

- Hey, queen.

I am living for her.

- Wow. That works.

- Oh, my God.
I am so fucked.

Now Tig dropped out.
What am I gonna do?

How am I gonna go back
and tell Christian

we lost another lady comic?

- Im sorry, are you talking
about Christian Siriano?

Cause Im a lady comic.
- You are?

- Yeah, of course she is,
you coke straw.

This is Julie Kessler,

the comedians
comedians comedian.

- Oh, totally.

You have to do the show.
Okay, dont move.

Im sending my assistant over
to get your info.

- Ah!
Oh, my God, Billy!

Did I just become a model?
- Yeah, I think so.

Youll be falling asleep
listening to Leonardo DiCaprio

talk about the environment
in no time.

- Okay, now you try it
on the Ten Tens.

Its your turn to be one
of the cool kids.

Be really mean, okay?
- Okay. On my way.

If I dont come back--
- I know. I know.

Youre either high,
getting fucked, or dead.

This aint my first rodeo.
- Wow.

Didnt know they tested prep
on the cast of "Jersey Boys."

[rock music]

Oh, fuck, my shoulder.
- Finish the story!

[sneezes]
- So its 5:00 a. m.

Me and the Ten Tens end up
at Marc Jacobs

"Good-bye Grindr" party,
and then all the sudden,

it turns into an orgy.
- [huffs]

- One guy tied up a bunch of
John Varvatos slacks

and turned it into a fuck swing.

- You deserve to be part
of New Yorks seedy gay elite.

- Thanks. I totally see why
we cant give blood now.

Oh, and one of the guys there
is gonna be the DJ

Christian Siriano fashion show.

- You mean the fashion show

where Ill be making
my modeling debut?

Oh, that reminds me,

Christians coming over later
to measure me.

Should I serve snacks?
- Maybe.

Hey, Matthew,
what do twinks eat?

- Ass!
- Oh.

Oh, Julie, hold on.
Im getting another call.

Its probably the audition.
- [groans]

- Hold on. Hello?
- [groaning]

- Maam, are you choking?
- [groaning]

- Youre not--I cant hear you.

Youre sort of
eating your words.

Are you choking?
Oh, my God, shes choking!

- Well, give her the Heimlich!
- I dont know how.

You do it.
- Oh, God, dont look at me!

Im terrible in a crisis.
- Uh, the poster!

Go to the poster!
- Uh...

Lay the victim on his back.

Of course they would assume
it was a man.

- Forget that part.
Just tell me whats next.

- Face the victim, and kneel
astride his hips.

- Okay, is this astride?
Or, no, thats a side saddle.

- Hey, did you know
were entitled to paid vacation?

I want to see Belize.

WOMAN: Get off of me!
I cant breathe.

- Oh, my God! I got it!
Im an animated beaver!

Julie, Im a beaver!
- Shut up, nobody cares!

Were saving lives here.

Maam, maam,
are you okay?

Listen, desserts on the house.

We dont have any cakes,

but I will spread jam
on anything youd like.

- Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Astride.

Oh, they should just call it
"Mary Martin pose."

[cawing]

- Mom, remember
that Columbian shape wear

you give me every year
for Hanukah?

- And you refuse.
- And then you rewrap it

and give it to me again?
- Yes, yes.

- I need it.
- Oh!

Well, let me see if I can find
this years batch.

Whats it for?

- Im going to be modeling

in Christian Sirianos
fashion show.

- Seriously?
- Yes, yes.

- A real fashion show?
You?

- I know, its for Fashion Week
and everything.

Im so excited.
- Oh, my God.

Julie, this is huge.

- I knew youd be proud.

- No, this waist shaper.
Its huge.

Well, thats Sirianos problem.

Maybe the boning will help.

You know, I used to model.

Lord and Taylor, 1978.
- Taylor, 1978.

- I was a living model,
and even though my metabolism

skipped a generation, you now
get to wear haute couture!

- Im happy that youre happy.
- Oh.

- [coughs]
- Are you getting sick?

- Oh, no, Im fine.
My throats a little--Im fine.

- All right,
you can not get sick.

You stay right there.

Im gonna get you a Cipro.

I have a whole suitcase
upstairs.

Let me see.

Oh, you feel fat.

I meant warm.
- Did you?

- Yes.

- Im keeping you tonight
because none of you guys

know the Heimlich Maneuver,
and we almost got sued.

So we have Marcy here
to teach us CPR.

- Hi, guys.
Who here hates choking?

- Oh, yeah, not for me.

One time, a guy asked me
to put a belt around his neck,

and I was like, "Slow your roll,
Al Pacino."

- Well, I know all about
autoerotic asphyxiation.

I used to teach CPR
at the womens shelter,

so Ive met my share
of sex workers.

- Fuck you, Marcy.

Just because Im trans,
you think Im a sex worker?

The closest Ive come
to working the streets

is the summer I spent with
Greenpeace and a clipboard.

- Oh. Okay.

Well, this is Choking Chucky.

- Choking Chucky by day, maybe.

Kevin Spaceys pool boy
by night.

- Well, Chucky was enjoying
a nice taco salad

when a little piece of tortilla
went down the wrong pipe.

Uh-oh!
- Uh-oh!

- Okay, now lets save his life.

First, wrap your arms
around his waist.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

Did you realize no one can reach
around your waist?

- One of the Ten Tens died.
- [gasps]

- They were doing a photo shoot
on a Ferris wheel

for David LaChapelle.

It was very windy.

They all fell off,
and one of them died.

Oh, my God!

Now they want me to be
one of the Ten Tens, now--

cause theyre down to nine!
- But youre barely a two!

- You know what, Matthew?
You make me think Matt Damon

was right when he told
gay actors to remain closeted.

- Are you guys paying attention?
- Are you?

Because were being lied to
every day by our government,

and you know what else?

Steve Rannazzisi
from "The League,"

he was in the World Trade Center
that day.

Dont believe
everything you read.

- So like this?
- Oh, no, no.

Not like that, not like that.
Just get off him.

- Okay, dont yell at me!

Im just trying to do
what you said, Marcy!

- This is my one free night.
I have to listen to Marcy?

Get the fuck out of here, Marcy.
- Fuck you, Marcy.

- We hate each other, but we all
agree that, "Fuck you."

- Fuck you; get the fuck
out of here, Marcy.

- Theres the fucking door,
Marcy.

- Yeah. Fuck you.
- Get the fuck out of here.

- Such gender-privileged
womens shelter bullshit.

- Give it a rest.
- Yeah.

Take Choking Chucky,
and get back on the bus, Marcy.

- Yeah. Bus is that way, and sit
in the back, by the way.

- On the bus
back to your cisgender,

transphobic womens shelter.

Fuck you!

- Yeah, Im one of the Ten Tens
now, bitch.

- Im sorry.
Im sorry, Marcy.

- Its okay.

NATE: Thank you.

- Push!

[eerie music]

- [thinking]
Oh, no.

Maybe I am getting sick.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Truman Capote?

- Sex before 1978
was the living end.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

BOTH: Come walk us, Julie.

♪ ♪

Forever...

and ever...

and ever.

[eerie music]

♪ ♪

- Eyeshadow palette.
Did you forget?

You have your fitting
for the fashion show.

- Hi, Im Christian Siriano.

Thank you so much
for doing this, Julie.

- [scratchy voice]
Julies not here, Mr. Siriano.

- Boy, Im so glad

my assistant ran into you
at that party.

Weve had so many comedians
and female Muppets drop out.

I cant tell you
what a fan I am.

- Oh, thats so sweet.

- No, I literally cant tell you
cause I dont know who you are.

- Oh, thats so sweet.

- Hmm. Lunch?

- What is that?
Like a yogurt sauce, or...

- Its curried brook trout,
actually.

- Ugh, that smell
will wake you up.

Arthur, uh, will you open
a window, please?

- Sure thing, paint chip.

- You have a lot of neck sweat
going on.

- Oh, thank you.

- I hope youre not
getting sick.

I already lost Whitney Cummings
to a nasty back rash.

- Oh, no, no, I mixed Cipro

with high-glucose cookies
and diet pills.

- Ah, the Evangelista.
Mm-hmm.

Youre gonna have a fun night.
- We have to get you to bed now.

- Uh-oh.
Bedtime.

My boyfriend
cant wait to fuck me.

Im gonna be wearing Columbian
shape wear,

so cut those numbers in half,
Chrissy!

[rock music]

- Okay.

Now were gonna mark
this rehearsal.

Any questions?
- Yeah.

So I wear the costume, and then
you animate over it, right?

You draw over the footage, like
in "Waking Life" or something?

- No, this is live action now.

Didnt the casting director
tell you

that we might be going live
instead because of budget?

- Uh, no.

Im sorry.
I cant do this.

Im really sorry.

I was doing it
for the insurance,

and my shoulders on fire,
but I cant be seen like this.

- Relax.

Theyre making you a plastic
foam head.

Thats why they were
measuring you before!

[laughs]

Its just not ready yet.

- Okay, but you promise
no one will see

even a trace of my real face
in this, right?

Oddly enough,
what Sylvester Stallone

told his plastic surgeon
before shooting "Creed."

Know what I mean, kids?
"Creed"?

Do you like Stallone?

Major comeback.
Hollywood, right?

They bring you up
just to rip you down,

then they bring you
right back up again.

- [laughs]
Youre very funny.

You should be doing comedy.
- I know.

- Anyway, action!

[playful music]

- ♪ You know what I like
even more than you? ♪

BOTH: ♪ Using the potty
when I pee and poo ♪

♪ Wipe, wipe, wipe,
till you see the white ♪

- Come on, kids!
- Come on, Billy.

Shake that booty
like your diaper is full.

ALL: ♪ Wipe, wipe, wipe,
till you see the white ♪

- ♪ What the hell
happened to my life ♪

ALL: ♪ Wipe, wipe, wipe,
till you see the white ♪

- God, Julie, you are sick.

Here, I brought you
some ginger ale.

All right, now lets find
the Hallmark Channel

so you can watch your
"Cedar Cove."

- "Cedar Cove"
turns off the brain

so the body can heal.

- Jules, howd you get so sick?

[light instrumental music]

♪ ♪

- I have no idea.

Tell me about work.

- Well, I sang
about using the toilet

to a bunch of children all day,

which I think means
Im now OT VII.

- Howd they go from animation
to live?

That doesnt make any sense.

- Well, we learned
when Scarlett Johansson

recorded an album
of Tom Waits covers

that literally anything
is possible.

- How are your new friends?
- Theyre good.

We went to the Prada party
and had another orgy,

but I feel like
Im leading a double life.

On the one hand, I hang out with
these ten hot gay guys

who Ive never said more than
two words to in my life,

and on the other hand,

Im walking around
in a diaper all day.

- Billy, what if Im too sick
to do the fashion show?

- Oh, no.

Youre gonna be a fashion model,

and Im gonna be a famous
baby beaver.

Dreams are coming true for us.

They just dont happen to be
our dreams.

- Billy, listen to me, okay?
This is important.

If I die, I want you to know

youre the only man in my life
thats ever been worth a shit.

- Uh, Kleenex, Im right here.

Ive made you six soups
from scratch.

- Arthur, no soup!
Soup stinks.

"Cedar Cove."
- Yeah, soup stinks!

"Cedar Cove."
- All right.

- Julie, I gotta go
back to the cafe for a meeting.

Are you sure there isnt
anything I can do

to make you feel better?

Cold compress, or...

I could read you
one of Pauley Perrettes tweets.

- Pauley,
why did you block me?

- Here we go.
Heres one.

"Have unshakable image

"of real 8-year-old child I saw

"that had this tattooed
on his forehead.

Never forget his face."

And then she sketches
a little boy

that has a "666" on his head.

- "Cedar Cove."
- "Cedar Cove."

[soup splashes, pot clangs]

- Arthur, Im worried about
Julie under your care.

You know not to let her suck
on any lozenges

when shes laying down;
she could choke!

- Can this wait
until the commercial?

- Im watching "The Real
Housewives of OC" reunion.

- Well, Julies fathers right.

You are gay.

- Marilyn, Im not gay.

Im trying to help Julie
while shes sick.

- Well, sounds
pretty gay to me.

And please continue
watching television

while my only child is in there
suffering.

- Julie is behind on her recaps,

and I dont want her
to get fired.

Im trying to write some
on her behalf.

- Dont you know that

this reality televisions fake,
Arthur?

Its stupid.
Its vacuous--wait.

Why are they all yelling at
the one with no chin?

- Her boyfriend faked cancer!

- Oh, my God.

She deserves to be yelled at.

- And if you ask me,
Vicki put Brooks up to it.

- How many recaps have to be in
by tomorrow?

- Four.
- Never gonna happen

with just you.
Move over.

All right.

And then the hooker
with no education

pretended to cry
in front of her gay boyfriend.

- [laughs]
Youre a poet, Marilyn.

- Well, Julies job
is very easy.

- You know, we have been writing
recaps together all night.

We havent fought once.
You can be a real treat.

- Well, you can be a real
charmer when youre not drunk.

- [laughs]
Jokes on you.

Im drunk right now.
- Oh!

- Oh, Julie would be so happy to
see us getting along like this.

- Julies never happy, unless
shes got a mouthful of cake

and something to complain about.
- Do you know,

she once told me
my socks were too noisy.

- You know what she said to me?
I was a withholding narcissist.

[both laugh]

Oh, well, we should go
check on her.

- I hate to say it,
but I think shes too sick

to go to the fashion show.

- Oh, its gonna break my heart
to tell her.

[gasps]
Ooh!

"Vanderpump Rules"
is back on.

- Twist my arm.
- Okay.

Future generations will rename
STDs "Jax" and "Stassi."

- Zing!

[upbeat music]

- Uh, wheres the rest of it?

Theres a giant hole
for my face.

You can totally see me.
- This is it!

Jenny McCarthy
and Have a Hunch Foundation

weighed in yesterday.

Apparently its important
for ages 0 to 2

to see the face of the character
they are interacting with

so that they can learn
to read facial expressions.

- No way I am showing my face
on this show.

I said it since the beginning.

Its literally my one condition.

- You think
youre too cool for this?

You think one of your cool
friends is gonna see you

hopping around
like a big baby beaver,

and theyre gonna say,
"Billy is not cool"?

- Yes, that is exactly
what I am afraid of.

- Well, you are the one

who keeps bitching
about health insurance.

Do you want this gig or not?

- Okay.

Okay.

- Having a tough day out there?

- Yeah.

- Want a taquito?
- No, thank you.

I just--this is the first time
in my life

Im one of the cool guys,
and now Im gonna be what?

A cool guy with a bad shoulder
and no health insurance?

[sighs]

I wish Julie was here.

Shed tell me what to do.

- Julie, huh?

Does Julie have a big pussy?

Cause I like it when the
roast beef goes past the bread.

WOMAN: Last looks, models.
Last looks.

- Come on, guys.
We got five minutes.

WOMAN: Rita Rudner to the stage,
Rita Rudner to the stage.

- Wait, were missing one.

Wheres the redhead
with the sweaty neck?

- I thought Louie was
unavailable,

so you decided to do
all women?

- No, the other one
that no one knows.

- Im so very sorry Im late.

I had the "uh-uhs" in
a Dunkin Donuts ladies room.

- [quietly]
Oof...

- But now Im here!

Youre queer!

Now lets wear some clothes!

Is there a--a toilet?

- Marilyn, you dozed off during
"Manzod with Children."

- Dozed off?
Girl, please.

My body just shut down
to protect me

from the combined stupidity
of Chris and Albie.

- [laughs]
Thats good.

Noodles, I brought you
some dry toa--

Shes gone.
- What?

Arthur, how could you
let her leave?

- You were here too!
- I know.

But Ive been lightheaded ever
since I went down a dress size.

Why do I keep forgetting to eat?

- Hello, Billy?
BILLY: Hey Arthur.

- I went to check on Julie,
and she wasnt there.

- Give me the phone.

ARTHUR:
Marilyn, I can handle it.

MARILYN: No, you cant.
Give it to me.

Julies gone,
and its Arthurs fault.

- Okay. I bet she went
to the Siriano show.

I know where it is.
Ill meet you there.

- Hey, baby boom boom!
Where you going?

You cannot leave
in your costume!

- Hes probably going
to meet his friend.

I think shes got a big snatch.
Huge.

[dance music]

♪ ♪

WOMAN: ♪ I just want you here ♪

MAN: Comedian Judy Gold.

WOMAN: ♪ Like it was 1941 ♪

- What are you waiting for?

Go, go, go, go, go.
Come on.

♪ ♪

[music slows]

- [sputters]

[coughing]

WOMAN: ♪ I cant get enough ♪

♪ Cmon, why dont you show me
how to swing? ♪

- Oh, my God.

Shes choking
on that fucking cough drop.

- [gagging]

- Oh...
Just like Carrie Bradshaw.

- [gasping]

- Not like Carrie Bradshaw.

Oh...

Good-bye, Ten Tens.

Julie, dont worry!

Choking Chucky showed me
what to do!

- [groaning, gasping]

ALL: Oh!

- Billy, youre a beaver!
- Yeah.

- And you seem to have uncorked
the bottle, old friend.

- Oh, use my diaper.
Use my diaper.

- [retches]

- Lets go. Lets go.
Lets go.

Lets g--ow! Ow! Ow!
My shoulder.

- Oh, my God!
Im so sorry!

Are you okay?

[crowd clamoring]

Im a pretty girl, Mama.

- Yes, you are.

- [sobbing]

"Clown Whore Pukes
On Gay Beaver."

- Which one am I?

- Im sorry you dont have
health insurance.

- Me, too, but hey.

At least when I picked you up,

it weirdly snapped my shoulder
back into place.

- Thats awesome!
- I know.

- But youre still fired, right?
- Oh, yeah.

They decided they actually
didnt want to debut the costume

in a photo where someones
puking on my dick.

- You know, I heard thats why
they got rid of

the original Captain Kangaroo.
- Yep.

- And youre not still
part of the Ten Tens?

- Oh, no way.
Who am I kidding?

I had no business being one of
the cool guys anyway.

- And I have to admit,

Im a little bummed
that I puked all over my chances

to be the pretty girl
in the cute clothes,

but the bright side is Im still
pretty hot for a recapper.

- How did you get your stuff
in on time?

- Oh, Arthur wrote most of them
with my mom,

and then they turned in one
I wrote while I was sick.

It was just the words
"Cedar Cove"

over and over again, but it
never affected my page views.

- Oh, great.
- Yeah.

Hey, Ive got a hankering

for four times the glucose
of a regular cookie.

Lets find that bloodmobile

and trick them
into taking your blood.

We could tell them
that youre a virgin.

Or straight!
- Ooh, like...

BOTH: Kevin Spacey!

MAN: ♪ Thought itd be easy ♪

♪ Thought they didnt know ♪

♪ You thought it was
the only way to go ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Another way out ♪

♪ Found on the way home ♪

♪ Thought you were living fast ♪

♪ But you were living slow ♪

♪ ♪