Original subtitles

- Mmm.

I know coming here was inconvenient,

but they really do have the best cookies in the city.

- Well, they better.

It couldnt be any more out of the way.

- Hey, lady, keep em coming.

If you can find a vein, you can find

more high-glucose cookies for your favorite volunteers.

- Oh, "volunteer." Im not allowed to give blood...

because Im gay!

- So fucked up.

Everybody should be allowed to give blood,

not just boring straight people.

- Well, I actually think we can now,

as long as we havent had sex in the past year.

And then before that, the law was

as long as we havent had sex since 1978,

so you can be a crystal meth addict and waltz in here,

and as long as you havent eaten ass in the past year,

its blood-ahoy!

I hate this place,

and I hate this whole homophobic country!

- Sex before 1978 seems like it was very magical.

- Well, wed have to ask Truman Capote.

- Hmm. - Oh, but at least

they have this weeks "Time Out New York."

The magazine for the loneliest people in the world.

- I think that magazine is left behind

more than actual suicide notes.

- Oh, Shelley Long is going into "Fiddler on the Roof"

on the 6th.

Thatll work out. - Yeah, beautifully.

- Oh, and its Fashion Week! - Oh!

I better put my Crocs in the dishwasher.

- Oh, listen to this: Christian Siriano

is debuting his new clown-inspired couture

at a runway show, and instead of using models,

hes using female comedians.

Hey, you should be in that show.

- [muffled] Yeah, I should be a fashion model.

- Yeah. Oh, shit. I gotta go.

I have my audition. - Whats it for?

- Its to play an animated beaver

who teaches kids how to use the toilet using song and dance.

- Oh, I thought "Hannibal" was canceled.

Animations great, though.

They never see your face,

so you may as well do something humiliating,

as long as its lucrative.

- The good news is, this gig is union,

so I would get my insurance again.

Thats the only reason Im doing it.

Its cause my shoulders still fucked up.

- Im sorry, Billy. That sucks.

- Im falling apart.

I wasnt even that good to begin with.

Like "Scandal." Good-bye.

- Break a leg! - Enjoy your cookies,

my little blood diamond.

- Maam. - Now what do you want?

- Can I have some milk?

[driving punk rock music]

♪ ♪

Hey, look, a line of overdressed dumdums.

- Its definitely Fashion Week.

- Me-ow.

Who recast "Reservoir Dogs,"

and where do I send a thank-you note?

- Oh, yeah, those are the Ten Tens.

- What? - The Ten Tens.

Its that group of, like, super-hot gay guys

that go to parties that become orgies

and orgies that become parties. - Seriously?

Ill bet nobody in there

has ever heard an episode of "Serial."

- Oh... - Heaven!

- Jealous. - We have to try to get in.

Should we do, "I left my purse in the bathroom"?

- I think we should do Donatella.

- Hey, Donatella! - Donatella!

[both mimic speaking Italian]

Whyd we want to go to this party again?

These people--ugh.

Somehow fashion people are more superficial

than entertainment people. - Oh, and even meaner.

All you need to do is be rude to the right person,

and suddenly, everybody wants to be your best friend.

Watch this. Hey, bitch.

Are you too stupid to eat a sandwich

or too drunk to keep it down?

- Hey, queen.

I am living for her.

- Wow. That works.

- Oh, my God. I am so fucked.

Now Tig dropped out. What am I gonna do?

How am I gonna go back and tell Christian

we lost another lady comic?

- Im sorry, are you talking about Christian Siriano?

Cause Im a lady comic. - You are?

- Yeah, of course she is, you coke straw.

This is Julie Kessler,

the comedians comedians comedian.

- Oh, totally.

You have to do the show. Okay, dont move.

Im sending my assistant over to get your info.

- Ah! Oh, my God, Billy!

Did I just become a model? - Yeah, I think so.

Youll be falling asleep listening to Leonardo DiCaprio

talk about the environment in no time.

- Okay, now you try it on the Ten Tens.

Its your turn to be one of the cool kids.

Be really mean, okay? - Okay. On my way.

If I dont come back-- - I know. I know.

Youre either high, getting fucked, or dead.

This aint my first rodeo. - Wow.

Didnt know they tested prep on the cast of "Jersey Boys."

[rock music]

Oh, fuck, my shoulder. - Finish the story!

[sneezes] - So its 5:00 a. m.

Me and the Ten Tens end up at Marc Jacobs

"Good-bye Grindr" party, and then all the sudden,

it turns into an orgy. - [huffs]

- One guy tied up a bunch of John Varvatos slacks

and turned it into a fuck swing.

- You deserve to be part of New Yorks seedy gay elite.

- Thanks. I totally see why we cant give blood now.

Oh, and one of the guys there is gonna be the DJ

Christian Siriano fashion show.

- You mean the fashion show

where Ill be making my modeling debut?

Oh, that reminds me,

Christians coming over later to measure me.

Should I serve snacks? - Maybe.

Hey, Matthew, what do twinks eat?

- Ass! - Oh.

Oh, Julie, hold on. Im getting another call.

Its probably the audition. - [groans]

- Hold on. Hello? - [groaning]

- Maam, are you choking? - [groaning]

- Youre not--I cant hear you.

Youre sort of eating your words.

Are you choking? Oh, my God, shes choking!

- Well, give her the Heimlich! - I dont know how.

You do it. - Oh, God, dont look at me!

Im terrible in a crisis. - Uh, the poster!

Go to the poster! - Uh...

Lay the victim on his back.

Of course they would assume it was a man.

- Forget that part. Just tell me whats next.

- Face the victim, and kneel astride his hips.

- Okay, is this astride? Or, no, thats a side saddle.

- Hey, did you know were entitled to paid vacation?

I want to see Belize.

WOMAN: Get off of me! I cant breathe.

- Oh, my God! I got it! Im an animated beaver!

Julie, Im a beaver! - Shut up, nobody cares!

Were saving lives here.

Maam, maam, are you okay?

Listen, desserts on the house.

We dont have any cakes,

but I will spread jam on anything youd like.

- Oh, oh, oh, oh. Astride.

Oh, they should just call it "Mary Martin pose."

[cawing]

- Mom, remember that Columbian shape wear

you give me every year for Hanukah?

- And you refuse. - And then you rewrap it

and give it to me again? - Yes, yes.

- I need it. - Oh!

Well, let me see if I can find this years batch.

Whats it for?

- Im going to be modeling

in Christian Sirianos fashion show.

- Seriously? - Yes, yes.

- A real fashion show? You?

- I know, its for Fashion Week and everything.

Im so excited. - Oh, my God.

Julie, this is huge.

- I knew youd be proud.

- No, this waist shaper. Its huge.

Well, thats Sirianos problem.

Maybe the boning will help.

You know, I used to model.

Lord and Taylor, 1978. - Taylor, 1978.

- I was a living model, and even though my metabolism

skipped a generation, you now get to wear haute couture!

- Im happy that youre happy. - Oh.

- [coughs] - Are you getting sick?

- Oh, no, Im fine. My throats a little--Im fine.

- All right, you can not get sick.

You stay right there.

Im gonna get you a Cipro.

I have a whole suitcase upstairs.

Let me see.

Oh, you feel fat.

I meant warm. - Did you?

- Yes.

- Im keeping you tonight because none of you guys

know the Heimlich Maneuver, and we almost got sued.

So we have Marcy here to teach us CPR.

- Hi, guys. Who here hates choking?

- Oh, yeah, not for me.

One time, a guy asked me to put a belt around his neck,

and I was like, "Slow your roll, Al Pacino."

- Well, I know all about autoerotic asphyxiation.

I used to teach CPR at the womens shelter,

so Ive met my share of sex workers.

- Fuck you, Marcy.

Just because Im trans, you think Im a sex worker?

The closest Ive come to working the streets

is the summer I spent with Greenpeace and a clipboard.

- Oh. Okay.

Well, this is Choking Chucky.

- Choking Chucky by day, maybe.

Kevin Spaceys pool boy by night.

- Well, Chucky was enjoying a nice taco salad

when a little piece of tortilla went down the wrong pipe.

Uh-oh! - Uh-oh!

- Okay, now lets save his life.

First, wrap your arms around his waist.

- Oh, my God. - What?

Did you realize no one can reach around your waist?

- One of the Ten Tens died. - [gasps]

- They were doing a photo shoot on a Ferris wheel

for David LaChapelle.

It was very windy.

They all fell off, and one of them died.

Oh, my God!

Now they want me to be one of the Ten Tens, now--

cause theyre down to nine! - But youre barely a two!

- You know what, Matthew? You make me think Matt Damon

was right when he told gay actors to remain closeted.

- Are you guys paying attention? - Are you?

Because were being lied to every day by our government,

and you know what else?

Steve Rannazzisi from "The League,"

he was in the World Trade Center that day.

Dont believe everything you read.

- So like this? - Oh, no, no.

Not like that, not like that. Just get off him.

- Okay, dont yell at me!

Im just trying to do what you said, Marcy!

- This is my one free night. I have to listen to Marcy?

Get the fuck out of here, Marcy. - Fuck you, Marcy.

- We hate each other, but we all agree that, "Fuck you."

- Fuck you; get the fuck out of here, Marcy.

- Theres the fucking door, Marcy.

- Yeah. Fuck you. - Get the fuck out of here.

- Such gender-privileged womens shelter bullshit.

- Give it a rest. - Yeah.

Take Choking Chucky, and get back on the bus, Marcy.

- Yeah. Bus is that way, and sit in the back, by the way.

- On the bus back to your cisgender,

transphobic womens shelter.

Fuck you!

- Yeah, Im one of the Ten Tens now, bitch.

- Im sorry. Im sorry, Marcy.

- Its okay.

NATE: Thank you.

- Push!

[eerie music]

- [thinking] Oh, no.

Maybe I am getting sick.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Truman Capote?

- Sex before 1978 was the living end.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

BOTH: Come walk us, Julie.

♪ ♪

Forever...

and ever...

and ever.

[eerie music]

♪ ♪

- Eyeshadow palette. Did you forget?

You have your fitting for the fashion show.

- Hi, Im Christian Siriano.

Thank you so much for doing this, Julie.

- [scratchy voice] Julies not here, Mr. Siriano.

- Boy, Im so glad

my assistant ran into you at that party.

Weve had so many comedians and female Muppets drop out.

I cant tell you what a fan I am.

- Oh, thats so sweet.

- No, I literally cant tell you cause I dont know who you are.

- Oh, thats so sweet.

- Hmm. Lunch?

- What is that? Like a yogurt sauce, or...

- Its curried brook trout, actually.

- Ugh, that smell will wake you up.

Arthur, uh, will you open a window, please?

- Sure thing, paint chip.

- You have a lot of neck sweat going on.

- Oh, thank you.

- I hope youre not getting sick.

I already lost Whitney Cummings to a nasty back rash.

- Oh, no, no, I mixed Cipro

with high-glucose cookies and diet pills.

- Ah, the Evangelista. Mm-hmm.

Youre gonna have a fun night. - We have to get you to bed now.

- Uh-oh. Bedtime.

My boyfriend cant wait to fuck me.

Im gonna be wearing Columbian shape wear,

so cut those numbers in half, Chrissy!

[rock music]

- Okay.

Now were gonna mark this rehearsal.

Any questions? - Yeah.

So I wear the costume, and then you animate over it, right?

You draw over the footage, like in "Waking Life" or something?

- No, this is live action now.

Didnt the casting director tell you

that we might be going live instead because of budget?

- Uh, no.

Im sorry. I cant do this.

Im really sorry.

I was doing it for the insurance,

and my shoulders on fire, but I cant be seen like this.

- Relax.

Theyre making you a plastic foam head.

Thats why they were measuring you before!

[laughs]

Its just not ready yet.

- Okay, but you promise no one will see

even a trace of my real face in this, right?

Oddly enough, what Sylvester Stallone

told his plastic surgeon before shooting "Creed."

Know what I mean, kids? "Creed"?

Do you like Stallone?

Major comeback. Hollywood, right?

They bring you up just to rip you down,

then they bring you right back up again.

- [laughs] Youre very funny.

You should be doing comedy. - I know.

- Anyway, action!

[playful music]

- ♪ You know what I like even more than you? ♪

BOTH: ♪ Using the potty when I pee and poo ♪

♪ Wipe, wipe, wipe, till you see the white ♪

- Come on, kids! - Come on, Billy.

Shake that booty like your diaper is full.

ALL: ♪ Wipe, wipe, wipe, till you see the white ♪

- ♪ What the hell happened to my life ♪

ALL: ♪ Wipe, wipe, wipe, till you see the white ♪

- God, Julie, you are sick.

Here, I brought you some ginger ale.

All right, now lets find the Hallmark Channel

so you can watch your "Cedar Cove."

- "Cedar Cove" turns off the brain

so the body can heal.

- Jules, howd you get so sick?

[light instrumental music]

♪ ♪

- I have no idea.

Tell me about work.

- Well, I sang about using the toilet

to a bunch of children all day,

which I think means Im now OT VII.

- Howd they go from animation to live?

That doesnt make any sense.

- Well, we learned when Scarlett Johansson

recorded an album of Tom Waits covers

that literally anything is possible.

- How are your new friends? - Theyre good.

We went to the Prada party and had another orgy,

but I feel like Im leading a double life.

On the one hand, I hang out with these ten hot gay guys

who Ive never said more than two words to in my life,

and on the other hand,

Im walking around in a diaper all day.

- Billy, what if Im too sick to do the fashion show?

- Oh, no.

Youre gonna be a fashion model,

and Im gonna be a famous baby beaver.

Dreams are coming true for us.

They just dont happen to be our dreams.

- Billy, listen to me, okay? This is important.

If I die, I want you to know

youre the only man in my life thats ever been worth a shit.

- Uh, Kleenex, Im right here.

Ive made you six soups from scratch.

- Arthur, no soup! Soup stinks.

"Cedar Cove." - Yeah, soup stinks!

"Cedar Cove." - All right.

- Julie, I gotta go back to the cafe for a meeting.

Are you sure there isnt anything I can do

to make you feel better?

Cold compress, or...

I could read you one of Pauley Perrettes tweets.

- Pauley, why did you block me?

- Here we go. Heres one.

"Have unshakable image

"of real 8-year-old child I saw

"that had this tattooed on his forehead.

Never forget his face."

And then she sketches a little boy

that has a "666" on his head.

- "Cedar Cove." - "Cedar Cove."

[soup splashes, pot clangs]

- Arthur, Im worried about Julie under your care.

You know not to let her suck on any lozenges

when shes laying down; she could choke!

- Can this wait until the commercial?

- Im watching "The Real Housewives of OC" reunion.

- Well, Julies fathers right.

You are gay.

- Marilyn, Im not gay.

Im trying to help Julie while shes sick.

- Well, sounds pretty gay to me.

And please continue watching television

while my only child is in there suffering.

- Julie is behind on her recaps,

and I dont want her to get fired.

Im trying to write some on her behalf.

- Dont you know that

this reality televisions fake, Arthur?

Its stupid. Its vacuous--wait.

Why are they all yelling at the one with no chin?

- Her boyfriend faked cancer!

- Oh, my God.

She deserves to be yelled at.

- And if you ask me, Vicki put Brooks up to it.

- How many recaps have to be in by tomorrow?

- Four. - Never gonna happen

with just you. Move over.

All right.

And then the hooker with no education

pretended to cry in front of her gay boyfriend.

- [laughs] Youre a poet, Marilyn.

- Well, Julies job is very easy.

- You know, we have been writing recaps together all night.

We havent fought once. You can be a real treat.

- Well, you can be a real charmer when youre not drunk.

- [laughs] Jokes on you.

Im drunk right now. - Oh!

- Oh, Julie would be so happy to see us getting along like this.

- Julies never happy, unless shes got a mouthful of cake

and something to complain about. - Do you know,

she once told me my socks were too noisy.

- You know what she said to me? I was a withholding narcissist.

[both laugh]

Oh, well, we should go check on her.

- I hate to say it, but I think shes too sick

to go to the fashion show.

- Oh, its gonna break my heart to tell her.

[gasps] Ooh!

"Vanderpump Rules" is back on.

- Twist my arm. - Okay.

Future generations will rename STDs "Jax" and "Stassi."

- Zing!

[upbeat music]

- Uh, wheres the rest of it?

Theres a giant hole for my face.

You can totally see me. - This is it!

Jenny McCarthy and Have a Hunch Foundation

weighed in yesterday.

Apparently its important for ages 0 to 2

to see the face of the character they are interacting with

so that they can learn to read facial expressions.

- No way I am showing my face on this show.

I said it since the beginning.

Its literally my one condition.

- You think youre too cool for this?

You think one of your cool friends is gonna see you

hopping around like a big baby beaver,

and theyre gonna say, "Billy is not cool"?

- Yes, that is exactly what I am afraid of.

- Well, you are the one

who keeps bitching about health insurance.

Do you want this gig or not?

- Okay.

Okay.

- Having a tough day out there?

- Yeah.

- Want a taquito? - No, thank you.

I just--this is the first time in my life

Im one of the cool guys, and now Im gonna be what?

A cool guy with a bad shoulder and no health insurance?

[sighs]

I wish Julie was here.

Shed tell me what to do.

- Julie, huh?

Does Julie have a big pussy?

Cause I like it when the roast beef goes past the bread.

WOMAN: Last looks, models. Last looks.

- Come on, guys. We got five minutes.

WOMAN: Rita Rudner to the stage, Rita Rudner to the stage.

- Wait, were missing one.

Wheres the redhead with the sweaty neck?

- I thought Louie was unavailable,

so you decided to do all women?

- No, the other one that no one knows.

- Im so very sorry Im late.

I had the "uh-uhs" in a Dunkin Donuts ladies room.

- [quietly] Oof...

- But now Im here!

Youre queer!

Now lets wear some clothes!

Is there a--a toilet?

- Marilyn, you dozed off during "Manzod with Children."

- Dozed off? Girl, please.

My body just shut down to protect me

from the combined stupidity of Chris and Albie.

- [laughs] Thats good.

Noodles, I brought you some dry toa--

Shes gone. - What?

Arthur, how could you let her leave?

- You were here too! - I know.

But Ive been lightheaded ever since I went down a dress size.

Why do I keep forgetting to eat?

- Hello, Billy? BILLY: Hey Arthur.

- I went to check on Julie, and she wasnt there.

- Give me the phone.

ARTHUR: Marilyn, I can handle it.

MARILYN: No, you cant. Give it to me.

Julies gone, and its Arthurs fault.

- Okay. I bet she went to the Siriano show.

I know where it is. Ill meet you there.

- Hey, baby boom boom! Where you going?

You cannot leave in your costume!

- Hes probably going to meet his friend.

I think shes got a big snatch. Huge.

[dance music]

♪ ♪

WOMAN: ♪ I just want you here ♪

MAN: Comedian Judy Gold.

WOMAN: ♪ Like it was 1941 ♪

- What are you waiting for?

Go, go, go, go, go. Come on.

♪ ♪

[music slows]

- [sputters]

[coughing]

WOMAN: ♪ I cant get enough ♪

♪ Cmon, why dont you show me how to swing? ♪

- Oh, my God.

Shes choking on that fucking cough drop.

- [gagging]

- Oh... Just like Carrie Bradshaw.

- [gasping]

- Not like Carrie Bradshaw.

Oh...

Good-bye, Ten Tens.

Julie, dont worry!

Choking Chucky showed me what to do!

- [groaning, gasping]

ALL: Oh!

- Billy, youre a beaver! - Yeah.

- And you seem to have uncorked the bottle, old friend.

- Oh, use my diaper. Use my diaper.

- [retches]

- Lets go. Lets go. Lets go.

Lets g--ow! Ow! Ow! My shoulder.

- Oh, my God! Im so sorry!

Are you okay?

[crowd clamoring]

Im a pretty girl, Mama.

- Yes, you are.

- [sobbing]

"Clown Whore Pukes On Gay Beaver."

- Which one am I?

- Im sorry you dont have health insurance.

- Me, too, but hey.

At least when I picked you up,

it weirdly snapped my shoulder back into place.

- Thats awesome! - I know.

- But youre still fired, right? - Oh, yeah.

They decided they actually didnt want to debut the costume

in a photo where someones puking on my dick.

- You know, I heard thats why they got rid of

the original Captain Kangaroo. - Yep.

- And youre not still part of the Ten Tens?

- Oh, no way. Who am I kidding?

I had no business being one of the cool guys anyway.

- And I have to admit,

Im a little bummed that I puked all over my chances

to be the pretty girl in the cute clothes,

but the bright side is Im still pretty hot for a recapper.

- How did you get your stuff in on time?

- Oh, Arthur wrote most of them with my mom,

and then they turned in one I wrote while I was sick.

It was just the words "Cedar Cove"

over and over again, but it never affected my page views.

- Oh, great. - Yeah.

Hey, Ive got a hankering

for four times the glucose of a regular cookie.

Lets find that bloodmobile

and trick them into taking your blood.

We could tell them that youre a virgin.

Or straight! - Ooh, like...

BOTH: Kevin Spacey!

MAN: ♪ Thought itd be easy ♪

♪ Thought they didnt know ♪

♪ You thought it was the only way to go ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Another way out ♪

♪ Found on the way home ♪

♪ Thought you were living fast ♪

♪ But you were living slow ♪

♪ ♪