Original subtitles

- Great show.

- Right? It was amazing.

Cheers. - Cheers.

- You know, when you first told me

that youd booked us to do an alternative comedy show

that started at midnight,

I was certain youd had a stroke.

- Of genius. We totally killed.

And its all thanks to Shonda Rhimes.

You know how Shonda Rhimes wrote that book "The Year of Yes,"

about how she said yes to every opportunity?

- You read that?

- I read the Amazon review,

and I got the gist,

and I was inspired.

- So this is your year of yes?

- Well, its my week of yes, but its working so far.

I mean, we did the show, and it went well.

- Julie, Billy, I had to come meet you guys after that set.

- Oh, my God, Method Man?

- Holy shit! - We love you.

- And I love to laugh.

Heres who makes me laugh, you two,

and Bonnie Hunt.

- Thank you.

- Hey, can we hang out sometimes?

- Yes, yes, yes. - Yeah, of course, anytime.

- Heres my email.

- MethodMan@TheMysteries ofLauraForever. com.

- I love that fucking show.

Ill holler.

both: Method Man is our first famous friend!

[driving punk rock music]

♪ ♪

- Oh, my God, Billy,

did you see the cover of Todays "New York Post"?

Theres no headline or anything.

Its just a picture of a toilet.

- Arent you supposed to be having lunch with your mom?

- Well, in the spirit of "My Year of No"

by Nonda Rhimes, I blew her off

because Im in too good of a mood to deal with her.

I just found tickets for "#Cats" on Craigslist.

- Holy shit, those are hard to get.

- I do not approve of all these Broadway reboots.

I mean, do we need an all-white "Dreamgirls"?

Yes, but Paula Deen cant sing.

- Well, this is gonna be amazing.

Grumpy Cat is a character,

and naturally Sasha Grey is playing Grizabella.

Im already squirming in my seat.

- Wow, not since Gina Gershons star turn in "Bye Bye Birdie"

has the town been so loudly ambivalent.

- And youre coming with me, right?

- Shit, I wish I could. I have another thing.

Dont hate me, but its exercise-related.

Its Felix.

- The cartoon cat with the bag of tricks?

- No, its my new trainer, Felix.

- Uh, how can you afford a trainer?

- And wouldnt that money be better spent

on real shoes or a blouse that fits?

- Oh, ka-zing! Yes, honey!

- Matthew, why couldnt you have been on Flight 93?

- No, its actually not that expensive

because Felix trains me in his apartment.

- Well, then who am I gonna take to "#Cats"?

[sighs]

I guess Ill force Arthur to come with me.

[phone buzzes] Ohh!

I just got a test from the Craigslist guy.

He said hes giving me the friend rate

and knocking $50 off the price of tickets.

- Wow, maybe you two will become actual friends.

- Well, I mean, hes still charging me.

And as long as theres a financial transaction,

its not a real friendship.

- I think I could be friends with Felix,

even if he wasnt my trainer.

- No, no, thats the girlfriend experience,

which Sasha Grey could tell you all about,

but not tonight because shell be onstage

belting "Memory."

- Sasha Grey, so sad to go from doing porn

to something as degrading as "Entourage."

[rock music]

- Chad, thank you so much for fitting me in last minute.

- No, its my pleasure. I love seeing you.

♪ Marilyn is my favorite client ♪

- Oh, yeah, Ive heard that one.

"Youre my favorite patient."

Then youtell them you dont accept their insurance.

- Oh, stop, you are a panic.

- Really, Im sorry for no notice.

Ugh, my daughter cancelled on me once again

because she wanted to hang out with her gay best friend.

- Well, to be fair, gay best friends usually do trump

all other plans for a gal that dont involve getting fucked.

- [laughs]

Wish I had a gay best friend.

- Cheer up, buttercup. Ill be your bestie.

- Plus, I hear gays are really great listeners.

So we have that in common.

- Turn around, bright eyes.

Ta-da! - [gasps]

I could stand Julie up and hang out with you.

- Thats right, and then well show her

a thing or two about a thing or two.

- Really? Youll do this?

- You had me at "Keep the shampooers tip.

I dont like her attitude."

- That was years ago. Weve come so far.

- Oh, you want to hear a funny story about coming so far?

Last night I was watching "Modern Family."

Phil Dunphy was shirtless. - Yeah?

- Long story short, I ruined a wall sconce.

Pew!

- Jesus, Chad.

JULIE: So wait, Method Man,

you really want to pitch a show with us?

- Judd Apatow has Lena Dunham, right?

Ira Glass has Mike Birbiglia, right?

And now Method Mans gonna have Julie and Billy.

- Oh, my God, are you serious?

Im so happy I cant feel my limbs.

Although that could also be a side effect

of my new antidepressants.

- [imitates gunshot]

You cant not be funny.

So what kinda TV you guys want to do?

Sitcom, talk show,

maybe one of those streaming joints

that claims to be a comedy but no one on the staff

truly knows how to write a joke

even if you put a gun to their head?

- Julie and I have been talking a lot about sketch.

- Sketch comedy, love it.

Ill have my reps put together some network pitch meetings.

- Wow.

- Hey, you guys want to get some dinner later?

- I wish I could. I have my trainer.

- Ah, no dinner.

- And I got tickets to see "#Cats."

- "#Cats." Say word.

- Yeah.

[rock music]

- All right, Billy, feeling good?

- Yeah, Im ready. Lets do this.

- Okay.

Why dont we start with a weighted squat?

- Okay, fine.

Small, no?

All right.

- Delicious. Good one.

All right, lets move on.

- Wait, I only did one rep.

- I have a very specific process.

We do frequent micro-intervals.

I swear youre gonna see amazing results.

- Awesome.

- All right, lets stretch it out with a roller.

- But I didnt do anything.

- Okay, how bout instead of you criticizing yourself,

you trust me?

And you start feeling really good

about the changes youve already started making.

- Okay, yeah.

I mean, its hard, you know?

When you grow up a fat kid,

youre always a fat kid.

I cut out sugar this week.

And white flour after eight.

Well, ten.

Well, 12:30 if theres a good "Colbert."

- You know what would make this a lot easier?

If you upgrade to my meal plan.

- Oh, that sounds expensive.

- It is, but if youre doing micro-intervals,

you gotta confuse your body

with a four-five-two-three-one ratio of fats, proteins,

ketones, lipids and amino acids.

- Okay. - How bout this?

Ill let you try it for a week for free.

- Wow, really?

Man, I feel like Im getting paid to get leaner.

Like Carrie Fisher, who makes me sad.

[rock music]

- Julie? - James from Craigslist?

- Yeah, yeah. You could just call me James.

- [laughs]

- Uh, here are the tickets.

- Ah, Im so excited! Thank you so much!

- Yeah, no problem. - And here is the cash.

- Fantastic. - Can we hug?

- I know its weird, but-- - Okay.

- Thank you again. - No problem.

All right, have a good one. - You too.

- Enjoy the show. - Thank you.

[beeps] - Sorry, maam,

theres something wrong with your tickets.

- What are you talking about?

My friend James sold these to me.

Theyre fine.

[beeps] - Yeah, it looks like

your friend James sold you some fraudulent tickets.

- What? - [laughs]

Bitch, youve been scammed.

- Hi, James, its Julie Kessler,

from Craigslist. Remember me?

You fucking scammed me, you piece of shit!

I will never leave you alone until you pay me back.

You fucked with the wrong bitch, James!

I dont have a real job,

and Im very good at holding grudges.

Okay, fuck you, bye.

- You know what, noodles, third time was the charm.

I think that voicemail evened out the karma.

- No, Im not done with him.

I am never leaving him alone

until he pays me back, kills himself or both.

Im gonna leave him another voicemail.

What can I say thats gonna hurt him most?

I want him to suffer.

And I want to be the one that causes it.

This must be what its like to be Ryan Murphy

in the "American Horror Story" writers room.

- Hmm.

- Julie, you should know better than that.

Ryan Murphy is never in the "American Horror Story"

writers room.

Im not even sure there is one.

- Hey, are you okay?

You seem a little out of it.

- Yeah, Im fine. I dont know.

My trainer keeps feeding me all this heavy food.

Apparently its in the right ratio, I dont know.

All I know is its a lot of goose fat.

But its my year of yes,

so Im just gonna keep saying yes

in the hopes that I too one day create "Greys Anatomy."

both: Method Man!

- Theres my superstars. Whats good?

- Yay!

- First network pitch.

- Yes, sir.

So tell me, how was "#Cats"?

- So listen to this, youre a rapper.

You know about injustice and being fucked over, right?

I bought fake tickets.

- Get the fuck outta here.

So you never got in to see the show?

- No, no, they turned me away

like some disgusting tourist wearing flip-flops.

- Although the way people dress for the theater nowadays,

you probably could have got in dressed like that.

- Shit! Now Im mad about that.

Im gonna leave this guy another voicemail.

Hold on.

Hey, cocksucker, its me again.

- Folks, were ready for you.

- Hello, hello, hello.

- Hey, hey, how are you? - Hi, good to see--

- Hey, guys.

- Hey.

- Hey, hey, hey.

- Oh.

- All right.

- Method Man.

Method to his Man-ness.

Double-M, oh!

We here at The Peacock,

we love you, and we love Wu.

- And I love Julie and Billy.

JULIE: So Im just gonna cut to the chase.

What were proposing is a sketch show,

starring us, on NBC.

Now, I know what youre thinking.

NBC already has "Saturday Night Live."

But does it?

- Julie and I want to do a show like "Key and Peele,"

except were not black or even bi-racial.

- Not even a little bit. - No, I think all four

of our biological parents come from the shetl

in Lithuania or Belarus.

- Yeah, genetically Billy and I are pretty pure, you know?

Which is ironic.

- Yeah, I mean, in terms of Hitlers goals.

- Ah, ah, ah, flag on the field.

Hitlers a little problematic for us.

Does he have to be a character?

all: Yes.

- I get it, I get it, I get it, I get it, I love it.

And I love the two of you.

- Really? - Ah, thank you.

- Wow, great, thanks. - Thats awesome.

- I am unfortunately gonna have to pass though.

Just a hard pass right here in the room right now.

- The fuck? - Well, um--hmm.

I will level with you.

NBC is currently rethinking

its commitment to comedy

in the way that you decide to take a break from an ex

who has already dumped you.

But this has been a lot of fun.

If you could just leave your unopened waters

with Kathleen, thatd be great.

- Fuck NBC.

Well go sell our show somewhere else.

- Is this Shonda Rhimes or Billy Epstein talking?

Come on, lets go get pizza.

- All right, Ill walk with you,

cause I actually brought my own lunch.

My trainers making me all my meals this week for free.

- He wants to fuck you. - No, please.

If he wanted to fuck me, he wouldnt have to give me food.

Besides, hes straight.

I think he just wants to be my friend.

- Billy, I promise you, theres no such thing

as being friends with someone you are employing.

Have we learning nothing from Tom Cruise and Kate Holmes?

- Well, it might be cool to make the leap

from trainer to friend.

It wouldnt be the worst thing in the world

for me to have a second friend.

- But all the lights were off, so it wouldnt matter anyway.

- Is that my mom?

- Yeah, and why is she here with the real life Matt Damon

from "Behind the Candelabra"?

JULIE: I think thats her hairdresser.

- Ooh, thats the type of guy that exists

only to let you know youve walked into the wrong bar.

- Hi, Mom. Oh, so sorry to interrupt.

- Julie, what are you doing here?

- Well, you and I had lunch plans,

and then you cancelled, and yet here you sit.

- [chuckles] My gay bestie, Chad, and I

decided wed come here, sit on our asses

and make fun of everybody walking by.

Sound familiar? - Got it, all right.

Well, have fun, you two. - Wait.

How does it feel to be stood up

by someone whod rather hang out with their gay BFF?

- Really, Mom? Is that what this is about?

Fine, but just remember, he cant be your real friend

as long as youre still paying him.

- Honey, if I were being paid,

I would be on all-fours

with a ball gag in my male vagina.

- No, my best friend is outrageous!

You are.

Stop. Stop now.

- Today were kicking it up a notch

with something called interval eating.

I need you consuming small meals frequently

in between spurts of highly intense workouts.

Go ahead.

- While Im running? - While youre running.

- Okay, well, Im in ShondaLand,

so I will say yes to that.

- Great.

Just gotta say, Billy,

I really appreciate how much you trust me.

- Yeah, sure.

- Hit it. - Again?

Hey, you maybe want to hang out sometime,

like when Im not training?

- Its so weird you said that,

cause I was just thinking that we should be friends.

Here you go.

But I thought I was maybe crossing some sort of line.

Why dont you come over tomorrow night?

I got some friends coming over.

Itll be chill. Im cooking a meal.

- Thanks.

Can I bring my friend Julie?

- I cant understand you.

- Can my friend Julie come?

- Oh, absolutely. Now hit that thing again.

- Again?

- Do you like French fries?

- Now, now-- At the same time?

- Yeah, get it in there. This is important.

All right, slow it down a little bit on the workout,

but focus on the eating. Focus.

- Hey, are you named after Felix, the cartoon cat

with his bag of tricks?

- I cant understand you.

- Are you named after Felix,

the cartoon cat with his bag of tricks?

Its too much food.

- Yes. - Im good.

- Youre still here.

- Oh, thank God.

Detective, please, help us book this perp.

- Im sorry about your bad ticket scalping experience,

but Ive got just one or two more pressing crimes

in New York that I have to prioritize.

- Oh, yeah? Well, my jobs hard too, okay?

I had to recap the season finale of "Jerseylicious,"

and it was a two-parter,

and I only got paid my regular rate, so...

- Well, heres what I have to do before the end of my day.

Weve got to ID a headless corpse and find the killer,

knowing that Robert Durst was in custody at the time.

Were staking out a suspected cannibal

in Sunset Park.

And finally we just found out that the Impractical Jokers

are a front for a prostitution ring.

So once I deal with all of that,

Ill look into your tickets.

Have a nice day.

- So, like, Tuesday, you think maybe?

- Thank you.

Maybe its time you moved on.

- Oh, dont worry. I already have.

Phase two.

Hi, James. Its Julie Kessler again.

Remember me, the girl you scammed?

Well, I just wanted to let you know.

Those tickets I bought were for me and my sister,

who has cancer.

Her dying wish was to see "#Cats,"

but now poor... S. Epatha

is gonna have to pass away without ever having seen it.

I had a whole evening planned for us too.

I had a white limo, a string quartet.

But you ruined it.

Im coming, S. Epatha!

Dont cry. I know the pain is terrible.

- I cant believe that you played the cancer card.

- Really? How long have you known me?

And you thought the cancer card was at the bottom of the deck?

Honey, we havent even hit the middle.

- Felix, this place is so different when its not a gym.

- Oh, totally.

I bet its also super weird to see me in jeans too,

like when you used to see your teacher in public.

- Oh, its super hot, and you have to pretend

that you dont know each other in front of his wife?

- How bout a tour of the kitchen?

- Sure. - Is this a pizza oven?

- Yea, but this ones higher than normal.

I think it was designed for calzones.

- Huh, I havent seen a lot of these gadgets before.

- So, Billy, do you enjoy training with Felix?

- Oh, yeah, its awesome.

Its like my own personal "Celebrity Fit Club,"

except I dont have to compete

with Kevin Federline and Tweedledee.

- Well, Felix enjoys training you.

- Oh, awesome.

And all of you guys are trainers or...

- Yes.

Trainer.

- Thats great.

- Whats the deal with creepy ZZ Top?

- I dont know. Youre asking creepy ZZ Bottom.

Wait, so what do you think?

You think Felix is a real friend or a paid-for friend?

- Well, I stand corrected

in that I think he genuinely likes you.

- See? - But if this food

is indicative of the meal plan hes giving you,

I cant see how you could possibly be losing weight.

- Im not losing weight. - Right.

- Im gaining, but Felix says thats because

muscle weighs more than fat.

- Oh, Ive heard that one before.

That and, "Keep watching Mad Men.

It gets less boring."

- Okay, this is our marathon pitch day, all right?

Remember, were gonna see a ton of networks today.

So we may need to do a little tailoring on the pitch

depending on where were at with it.

BILLY: Sure. - Huh? Huh?

[phone chimes] Oh, shit.

This is Ghostface.

This better be about that frittata recipe.

Dingy ass, Ive been hounding him for about three months.

- Okay, folks, my boss will be with you in just a moment.

Here are your waters.

- You look familiar.

- Oh, you know what it is?

I used to be VP of Development at NBC.

Yeah, you guys pitched for me on Monday.

- Oh. - Oh, yeah.

- Break a leg.

[rock music]

- Okay, check it out,

our show is gonna punch you,

and then once you pass out

were gonna draw a dick on your face and take a picture.

- Yeah. - Its cunty, its bitchy,

its gossipy, cunty fun.

- Theres cunts everywhere!

- This is gonna be animation,

but its also gonna be live action,

and then its genre.

And heres the thing, if we dont have a joke,

were just gonna do something weird.

- Yeah, or random.

Now do you guys vape

or shall I bring out my clown bong?

Am I a girl? Yes.

But do I have a filthy mouth?

Why dont you ask my asshole.

And thats our show.

- Starring us.

- Okay, lets shoot a pilot.

both: Really?

- Absolutely, we here at Al Jazeera

are always looking for comedy.

both: Really?

- And you two would be the perfect way

to launch our rebrand.

Al Jazeera America sadly is no more,

but were relaunching as Al Jazeera Xtreme.

Its "Xtreme" with an X.

We mean it in a Mountain Dew way.

Dont worry.

- I love that. - And we love you!

Billy and Julie, you are the new face

of Al Jazeera.

[laughter]

- Thank you. - Gangsta!

- Whoo!

- We are the stars of Al Jazeera Xtreme!

- Oh, my God!

My first big break, and my mother can never know.

- I have one extra surprise.

I have VIP tickets

for tonights performance of "#Cats."

- Oh, my God! - Ahh! Oh, my God!

Thank you so much.

- Hey, look, its gonna be me,

you guys, and whoever yall want to bring.

- Ill bring Felix, my trainer. - Felix, your friend.

Oh, this is the best.

I cant wait to rub it in the face of my scammer.

- Listen, Jules, Ive had beef

with a lot of people over the years.

But Shonda Rhimes helped me realize something.

One, that there are limits

to what even Viola Davis can make seem plausible.

And two, the best way to say yes to yourself

is to forgive your enemies.

- Thats really good advice.

I needed to hear that.

- Yeah, thats what friends are for.

- Im gonna text him right now.

"Hey, James.

"I forgive you.

"Everything worked out,

and Im gonna see #Cats tonight."

- And dont that shit feel good?

[upbeat music]

- Here, I made some caramel corn for the show.

- Oh. - You see, dressing on the side,

everything worked out. - I know, right?

Oh, fuck! Its my Craigslist scammer.

I never should have sent that last text.

- Oh, forgiveness is such a rookie mistake.

- Do me a favor, okay? Get my mom out of this.

She cant know the sister cancer thing.

- On it.

So excited for this.

- Whos that guy?

- He is some crazy fan

of Julies recaps.

- So hes gay? Pity.

I was hoping he was someone viable.

- Always good to see you too, Marilyn.

- Hello, Arthur. Wheres my date?

- Julie, I should never have scammed you.

- Hey, dont worry about it. Who loves you, baby?

Telly Savalas. Good-bye forever.

- No, let me just--

Let me make her dream night come true.

I got the violins, the limo, everything.

- You know what, you cant. Its fine.

- Why?

- Because my sister just died.

- Oh, fuck. - Your sister died?

- From cancer.

- Im so sorry for your loss.

- Thank you. But you know what?

She wouldnt have wanted us to be sad.

That wasnt like her.

She would have wanted tonight

to be about celebration and friendship

and "#Cats."

- God damn right, Jules!

Lets go enjoy "#Cats."

- In her honor. - In her honor.

- Lets do this. - Lets do it.

♪ ♪

Was that Method Man?

- Thanks for bringing me to the show tonight, Julie.

You know what?

I get why you stand me up sometimes,

because having a gay best friend really is so special.

[applause]

[upbeat music]

- Ah, here come the kitties.

- Oh!

- Chad-Chad-Chad!

[muffled shouting]

Chad, stop that!

Youre gay.

- Im bi.

- Oh, my God.

Get off her--hey, okay. [overlapping shouting]

Hey, hey, hey, get off of her!

Hey, get off of her!

- Okay, fuck this noise.

All right, I dont want to be in the friend zone,

and Im not gonna sit through some bullshit musical

if its not gonna get me any pussy later.

- Oh, youre a monster. - Give her a break asshole.

Her daughter just died of cancer.

- Excuse me?

- Ra-roh.

- Whats going on here?

And dont lie to me, little white lady.

- I made up a lie about having a sister

with cancer who died

to make my Craigslist scammer feel bad.

- That takes the cake, Julie.

- I dont work with liars.

You two can kiss your Al Jazeera show good-bye.

Get the fuck out of VIP.

- Method Man. - Al Jazeera?

- Get the fuck out of my section.

- My God. - Can we just stay for act one?

BILLY: Lets go. METHOD MAN: Security!

- Have you been radicalized?

- Were leaving. - What is going on?

[overlapping talking]

- Move, move, move, move, move!

Hands up!

You are surrounded. Do not flee.

- Hold your fire.

James and I are cool now.

- Guys, let me handle this.

- Oh. - Excuse me.

Detective, theres been a misunder--

- What? Whats happening?

JULIE: Ohh! BILLY: Whats happening?

- Cannibal apprehended! - What?

Why are you arresting my trainer?

- Hes a cannibal, son.

- What?

- He eats human flesh.

- I know what a cannibal is.

- We brought down a ring of them in Sunset Park,

pretending to be trainers.

- Its not fair.

I fattened you. I can find you.

Dont keep me from my veal!

Look at him. Hes perfect.

Hes so tall and fat. You never find that!

Its perfect to cook!

Itll fall right off the bone

after four hours at 375.

DETECTIVE: Get him out of here!

FELIX: With carrots and potatoes!

- Im fat?

- [mouthing words]

Well, I guess the lesson is

you cant be friends with people you pay.

- Yeah, also I was almost eaten.

- No wonder I never saw a lemon zester like that.

Bastard.

- I dont know what traumatized me more.

Cannibalism, bisexuality, Al Jazeera.

[sighs]

I feel like I could use a good shrink.

Its a good thing Im me.

- And now that I think of it,

that Pilates bar that he was rotating me on

was probably a spit roast.

- Okay, folks, my name is Kevin, and Ill be--

Wait a second, I know the two of you.

Youre my friends.

- Oh, no, were not your friends,

and we dont need to know your name.

- Kevin, let me ask you a question.

Hows the veal?

MAN: ♪ Oh ♪

♪ Thought itd be easy ♪

♪ Thought they didnt know ♪

♪ You thought it was the only way to go ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Another way out ♪

♪ Found on the way home ♪

♪ Thought you were living fast ♪

♪ But you were living slow ♪

♪ ♪