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1
00:00:01,210 --> 00:00:03,010
[whistle blows]
2
00:00:03,010 --> 00:00:04,610
[men grunting]
3
00:00:04,610 --> 00:00:07,810
- Ugh, I cant believe Arthur
made me go to a high school gym
4
00:00:07,810 --> 00:00:11,410
to watch NPR play PBS
in a game of sports ball.
5
00:00:11,410 --> 00:00:13,180
[men grunting]
6
00:00:13,176 --> 00:00:14,706
- Oh, God!
7
00:00:14,710 --> 00:00:16,610
- Spread it out, guys!
Spread it out!
8
00:00:16,610 --> 00:00:18,840
Lets do this.
9
00:00:18,843 --> 00:00:21,163
- This is bringing back memories
of my high school experience.
10
00:00:21,160 --> 00:00:23,060
I used to hear the fags
were giving hand jobs
11
00:00:23,062 --> 00:00:24,862
under the bleachers,
and I was like, "Ugh,"
12
00:00:24,863 --> 00:00:26,803
and then Id go wait there
after school every day.
13
00:00:26,798 --> 00:00:29,528
- Lets do this!
- Good. Bring it on.
14
00:00:29,534 --> 00:00:30,534
- Sorry.
15
00:00:30,534 --> 00:00:31,744
[whistle blows]
- Foul!
16
00:00:31,735 --> 00:00:33,335
Too slow
to be considered running.
17
00:00:33,337 --> 00:00:34,697
- Oh, for Petes sake.
18
00:00:34,704 --> 00:00:35,944
- PBS, youre gonna
lose this game
19
00:00:35,939 --> 00:00:37,769
like you lost
"Sesame Street."
20
00:00:37,773 --> 00:00:39,513
Suck this American dick.
21
00:00:39,508 --> 00:00:41,178
- Bring it on.
Bring it on.
22
00:00:41,176 --> 00:00:42,506
- I will. I shall.
23
00:00:42,510 --> 00:00:44,050
BILLY: Maybe this one.
"Catalog-a-holic.
24
00:00:44,045 --> 00:00:46,205
How hoarding catalogs
eventually brought me to AA."
25
00:00:46,213 --> 00:00:47,753
- Ooh, and thats
a one-woman show?
26
00:00:47,748 --> 00:00:49,248
- Its in the cabaret section.
27
00:00:49,250 --> 00:00:51,020
- I think we can find worse.
28
00:00:51,017 --> 00:00:52,487
- Its gonna be hard to top
last years lady ventriloquist
29
00:00:52,485 --> 00:00:53,745
singing about her abortions
30
00:00:53,753 --> 00:00:55,223
in the style
of Gilbert and Sullivan.
31
00:00:55,220 --> 00:00:57,590
- Those were wordy abortions.
32
00:00:57,589 --> 00:00:59,919
- Ooh, looks like DeNeil Tinder
33
00:00:59,924 --> 00:01:01,464
is making a little visit
to New York.
34
00:01:01,459 --> 00:01:04,199
- I have been hearing
about DeNeil Tinder for a month.
35
00:01:04,195 --> 00:01:05,625
Are you two ever gonna meet?
36
00:01:05,629 --> 00:01:07,129
- Are you out of your mind?
37
00:01:07,130 --> 00:01:10,070
Ive got DeNeil Tinder,
Allen Grindr, Max Scruff.
38
00:01:10,066 --> 00:01:12,626
All these app guys I know
who know so much about me
39
00:01:12,634 --> 00:01:14,944
will be staying in my phone,
thank you.
40
00:01:14,936 --> 00:01:16,436
- Arthur!
41
00:01:16,437 --> 00:01:17,567
- Nice D, Chester.
42
00:01:17,572 --> 00:01:19,372
- Sorry.
- Listen to this.
43
00:01:19,374 --> 00:01:20,784
It sounds horrible.
44
00:01:20,775 --> 00:01:22,675
"Searching for My Jake Ryan:
45
00:01:22,676 --> 00:01:25,606
"How My 16-Year-Old Boyfriend
Ruined My Life.
46
00:01:25,612 --> 00:01:27,252
A Journey in Song."
47
00:01:27,246 --> 00:01:29,416
- Thats the worst cabaret show
in Manhattan.
48
00:01:29,415 --> 00:01:31,945
- Now we have plans for
the night before my birthday.
49
00:01:31,950 --> 00:01:34,450
- I love our tradition
of celebrating the night before.
50
00:01:34,452 --> 00:01:36,722
- Yeah, cause the actual day
always shits the bed.
51
00:01:36,721 --> 00:01:38,361
- What was the worst birthday
you ever had?
52
00:01:38,355 --> 00:01:39,855
- Thats like asking me
53
00:01:39,856 --> 00:01:42,226
which Bill Lawrence show
do I find most contrived.
54
00:01:42,225 --> 00:01:43,555
Its a tie for last.
55
00:01:43,559 --> 00:01:45,159
Honestly, at this point,
the only thing my mother
56
00:01:45,160 --> 00:01:47,830
hasnt done to ruin my birthday
is actually forget it,
57
00:01:47,830 --> 00:01:49,060
like in "Sixteen Candles."
58
00:01:49,064 --> 00:01:50,604
- Theres still time.
- Mm.
59
00:01:50,599 --> 00:01:52,069
- Go for it, Arthur.
- Hes gonna--
60
00:01:52,066 --> 00:01:53,266
- Gah!
61
00:01:53,267 --> 00:01:54,667
[whistle blows]
62
00:01:54,668 --> 00:01:56,298
[buzzer sounds]
63
00:01:56,303 --> 00:01:58,773
- You scored the winning... goal!
64
00:01:58,771 --> 00:02:00,211
- Home run!
- Touchdown!
65
00:02:00,206 --> 00:02:02,136
Touchdown!
We won!
66
00:02:02,141 --> 00:02:05,011
[all cheering]
67
00:02:05,010 --> 00:02:06,780
- Let me guess,
room temp Chamomile?
68
00:02:06,778 --> 00:02:08,748
- Oh, yeah.
You know they save the Earl Grey
69
00:02:08,746 --> 00:02:10,106
for the championship.
70
00:02:10,114 --> 00:02:12,354
[all cheering]
71
00:02:12,349 --> 00:02:14,519
- Are you all turned on
watching your boyfriend score
72
00:02:14,518 --> 00:02:16,388
the winning point?
- Oh, yeah.
73
00:02:16,385 --> 00:02:20,185
From the waist down,
Im a friggin lake.
74
00:02:20,188 --> 00:02:23,188
[driving punk music]
75
00:02:23,191 --> 00:02:24,731
♪ ♪
76
00:02:24,726 --> 00:02:27,326
- Nice trophy, bro!
- Oh, thank you, stranger.
77
00:02:27,328 --> 00:02:29,128
- Hey, do you guys
want to get some dinner?
78
00:02:29,130 --> 00:02:31,100
I think Giuliana Rancics
new restaurant is nearby.
79
00:02:31,097 --> 00:02:33,367
They serve ice, water,
steam, and rain.
80
00:02:33,366 --> 00:02:34,966
- Oh, my God.
I wish.
81
00:02:34,967 --> 00:02:37,967
I have to go home and recap
"T. I. & Tiny: A Family Affair,"
82
00:02:37,970 --> 00:02:39,670
although I might end up
just splitting the difference
83
00:02:39,671 --> 00:02:41,011
and putting my head
in the oven.
84
00:02:41,005 --> 00:02:41,935
- [chuckles]
85
00:02:41,940 --> 00:02:43,310
- Why not try DeNeil Tinder?
86
00:02:43,307 --> 00:02:45,477
- Hes still in Atlanta,
which I know
87
00:02:45,476 --> 00:02:47,646
because we text each other
every single night,
88
00:02:47,645 --> 00:02:49,145
even though weve never met.
89
00:02:49,146 --> 00:02:51,976
- Right now you have two groups
of guys in your life.
90
00:02:51,981 --> 00:02:54,351
Men who you know intimately
from your phone,
91
00:02:54,350 --> 00:02:56,490
and guys that you have
anonymous sex with.
92
00:02:56,485 --> 00:02:58,085
- Yes.
- So what I am pitching is
93
00:02:58,086 --> 00:03:00,656
maybe theres
an overlapping part
94
00:03:00,655 --> 00:03:02,855
of the Venn diagram
we can explore.
95
00:03:02,857 --> 00:03:05,327
- I guess DeNeil Tinder
isnt in New York a lot,
96
00:03:05,325 --> 00:03:08,785
so even if we meet
and it is a disaster,
97
00:03:08,794 --> 00:03:10,204
he wont be hanging around
a long time
98
00:03:10,196 --> 00:03:11,826
to remind me
its a disaster,
99
00:03:11,830 --> 00:03:13,270
the way you sometimes
still see posters
100
00:03:13,265 --> 00:03:14,365
for that movie "Burnt."
101
00:03:14,366 --> 00:03:16,566
- Exactly,
so you have nothing to lose.
102
00:03:16,568 --> 00:03:18,068
What if it actually works out?
103
00:03:18,069 --> 00:03:19,899
And promise me,
when it does,
104
00:03:19,903 --> 00:03:21,613
youll never take him
for granted.
105
00:03:21,605 --> 00:03:24,665
- Duct Tape, men Ive never met
are showing camaraderie!
106
00:03:24,674 --> 00:03:25,684
- Arthur, please.
107
00:03:25,675 --> 00:03:27,535
The soul mates are talking.
108
00:03:27,543 --> 00:03:29,113
- Why didnt "Burnt" work?
109
00:03:29,111 --> 00:03:30,581
- I have no idea.
- Weve never figured that out.
110
00:03:30,579 --> 00:03:31,579
- I cant think
of a single reason.
111
00:03:31,580 --> 00:03:32,950
Thats the problem.
112
00:03:35,049 --> 00:03:36,819
- Remember,
its your birthday lunch,
113
00:03:36,817 --> 00:03:38,187
so you can have dessert,
114
00:03:38,185 --> 00:03:39,485
but lets get rid
of the bread basket
115
00:03:39,486 --> 00:03:40,716
to even it out.
There you go.
116
00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:42,090
We dont want that.
Thank you.
117
00:03:42,088 --> 00:03:43,288
- Why do we have to go
to your country club
118
00:03:43,289 --> 00:03:44,919
for my birthday lunch?
119
00:03:44,923 --> 00:03:46,093
Now all of your friends
are gonna stop by
120
00:03:46,091 --> 00:03:47,861
and schmooze you
and ignore me.
121
00:03:47,859 --> 00:03:49,129
- Okay, you know what
I want to hear?
122
00:03:49,127 --> 00:03:51,097
One thing
that you are grateful for.
123
00:03:51,095 --> 00:03:53,295
- Im grateful its not
my 11th birthday dinner.
124
00:03:53,297 --> 00:03:55,397
Remember when you abandoned me
at that restaurant?
125
00:03:55,399 --> 00:03:56,629
- This again.
126
00:03:56,633 --> 00:03:58,533
Julie, it was, what,
25 years ago?
127
00:03:58,534 --> 00:04:00,644
Come on. Move on.
Get over it.
128
00:04:00,636 --> 00:04:02,296
- Nothing you just said
is an apology
129
00:04:02,304 --> 00:04:05,374
or even an acknowledgement
of how bad you made me feel.
130
00:04:05,373 --> 00:04:07,883
I mean, you left me alone
in a restaurant!
131
00:04:07,875 --> 00:04:10,905
- I did not get far
before I came back to get you.
132
00:04:10,911 --> 00:04:12,011
- How was I supposed
to know that?
133
00:04:12,012 --> 00:04:13,382
I thought youd left forever.
134
00:04:13,379 --> 00:04:14,919
- Well, I hadnt
and Im still here.
135
00:04:14,915 --> 00:04:16,115
Look whos here.
Fred and Helen. Hello.
136
00:04:16,115 --> 00:04:17,345
- Hello!
- Marilyn, how are you?
137
00:04:17,349 --> 00:04:19,219
- To what do we owe
the pleasure?
138
00:04:19,218 --> 00:04:21,588
- Im celebrating
the 36th anniversary
139
00:04:21,586 --> 00:04:25,756
of the day I survived 2 1/2 days
of excruciating labor.
140
00:04:25,756 --> 00:04:27,486
- You two should come
by the spa later.
141
00:04:27,491 --> 00:04:29,761
Ill give you a mother-daughter
birthday special.
142
00:04:29,759 --> 00:04:30,959
My treat.
143
00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:32,230
- Well, that is
so generous of you!
144
00:04:32,228 --> 00:04:35,298
Mr. Harris owns
the spa in Tribeca.
145
00:04:35,297 --> 00:04:36,527
- Thank you very much.
146
00:04:36,532 --> 00:04:37,902
- Youre quite welcome.
- Many happy returns.
147
00:04:37,899 --> 00:04:40,299
- Happy birthday.
- Thanks.
148
00:04:40,301 --> 00:04:41,701
- "And thank you, Mom,
149
00:04:41,702 --> 00:04:44,102
"if you hadnt been kind enough
to ask me to the club,
150
00:04:44,104 --> 00:04:45,574
we wouldnt have
a spa day."
151
00:04:45,572 --> 00:04:47,342
- I hate it when you put words
in my mouth, okay?
152
00:04:47,341 --> 00:04:49,311
I would never say that.
- No, of course you wouldnt,
153
00:04:49,308 --> 00:04:51,038
because it would kill you
to give me a compliment.
154
00:04:51,044 --> 00:04:52,284
- Well, I would,
but youre so busy
155
00:04:52,278 --> 00:04:53,978
giving them to yourself
all the time.
156
00:04:53,979 --> 00:04:56,609
- Okay, because somebody
has to worry about my feelings.
157
00:04:56,614 --> 00:04:58,124
- What about my feelings?
158
00:04:58,115 --> 00:04:59,715
You never take responsibility
for how you affect them!
159
00:04:59,716 --> 00:05:01,946
- Oh, if this about goddamn
Benihana again--
160
00:05:01,952 --> 00:05:03,292
- It is about goddamn Benihana
again.
161
00:05:03,286 --> 00:05:04,346
- Oh, stop it, Julie.
162
00:05:04,354 --> 00:05:05,994
- And its about
my bat mitzvah...
163
00:05:05,989 --> 00:05:07,459
- Oh, please.
- The theme of which was "Moms,"
164
00:05:07,457 --> 00:05:08,787
on your insistence.
165
00:05:08,791 --> 00:05:10,291
- You chose that theme yourself.
- I did not.
166
00:05:10,292 --> 00:05:12,992
- And you got to sit
at the Peg Bundy table!
167
00:05:12,994 --> 00:05:15,264
- I thought it was Kate Pierson
from the B-52s!
168
00:05:15,263 --> 00:05:16,403
- Excuse me, sir.
169
00:05:16,397 --> 00:05:18,427
You know, I changed my mind
about the bread.
170
00:05:18,431 --> 00:05:19,971
[laughter]
171
00:05:19,967 --> 00:05:21,527
- Billy, dont take off
your coat.
172
00:05:21,534 --> 00:05:23,804
You have more deliveries.
- No, thats not fair.
173
00:05:23,803 --> 00:05:25,573
How come Matthew never
has to make a delivery?
174
00:05:25,571 --> 00:05:27,011
- Oh, "Boo-hoo.
175
00:05:27,005 --> 00:05:29,135
"I was in The Seagull
at Northwestern.
176
00:05:29,140 --> 00:05:31,080
Now I deliver
cheeseburgers."
177
00:05:31,076 --> 00:05:32,736
Suck it up, sideburns!
178
00:05:32,743 --> 00:05:34,483
- But Im finally meeting
that guy from Tinder tonight.
179
00:05:34,478 --> 00:05:36,008
I cant be late.
180
00:05:36,013 --> 00:05:38,053
How come this place cant be
more like "Ratatouille"?
181
00:05:38,047 --> 00:05:40,447
- We all got troubles.
182
00:05:40,449 --> 00:05:42,649
My favorite piano key scarf,
183
00:05:42,651 --> 00:05:44,121
ruined by my dry cleaner.
184
00:05:44,119 --> 00:05:45,989
- You make me want
to forgive Eddie Murphy
185
00:05:45,988 --> 00:05:47,658
for everything hes ever said.
186
00:05:47,655 --> 00:05:49,215
- Speak of the devil.
187
00:05:49,223 --> 00:05:50,863
Eddie, I told you Im not
speaking to you again
188
00:05:50,858 --> 00:05:53,328
until you pay me
that thousand bucks you owe me.
189
00:05:53,326 --> 00:05:56,156
- Wait, are you the one
from the story?
190
00:05:56,162 --> 00:05:59,432
- No, the one died
under mysterious circumstances,
191
00:05:59,431 --> 00:06:00,731
God rest her soul.
192
00:06:00,732 --> 00:06:02,572
No, Im the asshole
that sold him a flat screen TV
193
00:06:02,567 --> 00:06:03,997
he still hasnt paid for.
194
00:06:05,303 --> 00:06:08,373
- I guess its easier
to accept a free spa day
195
00:06:08,372 --> 00:06:10,772
than it is to give
your mother a compliment.
196
00:06:10,773 --> 00:06:12,583
- Can we not talk, please?
197
00:06:12,575 --> 00:06:13,975
- I am so sorry,
198
00:06:13,976 --> 00:06:15,406
but its gonna be
a little while longer.
199
00:06:15,411 --> 00:06:17,311
Chloeë Sevigny rented out
all the treatment rooms
200
00:06:17,313 --> 00:06:19,013
and is taking
longer than expected.
201
00:06:19,014 --> 00:06:20,324
- Why does she need
all the rooms?
202
00:06:20,315 --> 00:06:21,975
- Oh, shes treating
the whole cast
203
00:06:21,982 --> 00:06:23,952
of "American Horror Story:
Hotel" to a wrap gift.
204
00:06:23,951 --> 00:06:25,351
Its for their PTSD.
205
00:06:25,352 --> 00:06:27,992
- Is Gaga here?
- Oh, Im afraid not.
206
00:06:27,987 --> 00:06:30,057
She was supposed to be on tour
with Tony Bennett,
207
00:06:30,056 --> 00:06:32,486
but shes being detained
in China for elder abuse.
208
00:06:32,491 --> 00:06:35,331
Can I bring you
some complimentary champagne
209
00:06:35,327 --> 00:06:36,327
while you wait?
210
00:06:36,328 --> 00:06:38,258
- Yes.
211
00:06:40,297 --> 00:06:42,497
[laughs]
Oh, my.
212
00:06:42,499 --> 00:06:43,999
Whats the average IQ
213
00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:46,100
of a woman
who reads these things?
214
00:06:46,102 --> 00:06:48,942
- Oy! Me and me mom
need more champers!
215
00:06:48,938 --> 00:06:51,508
- Look at this.
"Dear advice lady.
216
00:06:51,506 --> 00:06:54,076
"Ive never looked
at my own vagina.
217
00:06:54,075 --> 00:06:55,975
"Should I squat
over a hand mirror
218
00:06:55,977 --> 00:06:58,577
or hire
a caricature artist?"
219
00:06:58,579 --> 00:07:00,109
- A caricature artist.
220
00:07:00,113 --> 00:07:02,653
That way you can count
all the "NINAs."
221
00:07:02,649 --> 00:07:05,789
[both laughing]
222
00:07:10,656 --> 00:07:12,086
- Gaga!
223
00:07:13,224 --> 00:07:15,294
BILLY: DeNeil Tinder,
at long last.
224
00:07:15,292 --> 00:07:18,562
DENEIL: Billy Tinder.
[both laughing]
225
00:07:18,562 --> 00:07:21,062
So, huh.
226
00:07:21,064 --> 00:07:23,234
- This apartment is huge.
- Yes.
227
00:07:23,232 --> 00:07:24,932
- Your sister
must be doing well.
228
00:07:24,933 --> 00:07:27,003
- Oh, shes doing really well
for herself.
229
00:07:27,002 --> 00:07:28,572
- You know whats strange
is that, you know,
230
00:07:28,570 --> 00:07:30,340
normally on a first date,
you could just make
231
00:07:30,337 --> 00:07:32,607
this, like, meaningless bullshit
small talk,
232
00:07:32,606 --> 00:07:33,936
but you know me
too well now
233
00:07:33,940 --> 00:07:35,240
cause weve been texting
forever,
234
00:07:35,241 --> 00:07:37,181
so you know
that I dont give a shit
235
00:07:37,177 --> 00:07:39,077
how your flight was,
and I dont give a shit
236
00:07:39,078 --> 00:07:40,348
what the weathers like
in Atlanta.
237
00:07:40,345 --> 00:07:41,845
- Yeah, and you know me
well enough
238
00:07:41,847 --> 00:07:43,717
to know that
my whole homo-thug routine
239
00:07:43,715 --> 00:07:45,015
for quick sex
is bullshit.
240
00:07:45,016 --> 00:07:49,416
- Right.
So, no small talk.
241
00:07:49,420 --> 00:07:50,720
What do we do?
242
00:07:50,721 --> 00:07:52,991
- Well, if we didnt know
each other so well,
243
00:07:52,989 --> 00:07:55,529
what would we do?
244
00:07:55,525 --> 00:07:59,295
- Sex with a guy
you really know, not so bad.
245
00:07:59,295 --> 00:08:00,555
- Yeah.
246
00:08:00,562 --> 00:08:02,002
Who knew?
247
00:08:01,997 --> 00:08:03,897
- Certainly not
David Duchovny.
248
00:08:03,898 --> 00:08:05,868
- Can I offer you
something to drink?
249
00:08:05,866 --> 00:08:09,136
- No.
I think Im fine.
250
00:08:09,135 --> 00:08:11,365
God, your sister
has a beautiful place.
251
00:08:11,370 --> 00:08:14,040
- Yeah. She and her husband
have their own business.
252
00:08:14,039 --> 00:08:16,409
Its a café.
253
00:08:16,408 --> 00:08:17,578
- Oh, my God.
254
00:08:19,544 --> 00:08:22,914
- [laughs] Shes all alone.
- I cant believe--
255
00:08:22,914 --> 00:08:24,854
- Oh, God--
Oh, God!
256
00:08:24,848 --> 00:08:26,078
[panting]
257
00:08:28,851 --> 00:08:30,991
- Denise is his sister?
258
00:08:30,986 --> 00:08:32,346
Holy shit!
[laughs]
259
00:08:32,354 --> 00:08:33,664
- I know.
260
00:08:33,655 --> 00:08:35,855
Its the weirdest thing
thats ever happened!
261
00:08:35,857 --> 00:08:37,357
And of course the one time
262
00:08:37,358 --> 00:08:39,088
I try combining
sex and intimacy,
263
00:08:39,092 --> 00:08:40,992
I end up shitting
where I eat.
264
00:08:40,994 --> 00:08:43,064
Eating where I fuck?
Fucking where I shit?
265
00:08:43,063 --> 00:08:44,103
- Dealers choice.
266
00:08:44,096 --> 00:08:45,866
What did she say?
267
00:08:45,865 --> 00:08:48,065
- Oh, it was also so weird.
268
00:08:48,067 --> 00:08:51,997
She was nice,
and I was confused,
269
00:08:52,003 --> 00:08:53,943
DeNeil was confused,
and then she ended up
270
00:08:53,938 --> 00:08:55,608
inviting me
to a family dinner tomorrow.
271
00:08:55,606 --> 00:08:57,836
- Do you want me to call
and say your dad died again?
272
00:08:57,842 --> 00:09:01,142
- [laughing] No!
I dont know what to do.
273
00:09:01,144 --> 00:09:02,414
I cant just dump him
274
00:09:02,411 --> 00:09:04,081
because Denise hates me
enough as it is,
275
00:09:04,080 --> 00:09:06,110
and I cant ghost him,
though I usually would,
276
00:09:06,114 --> 00:09:07,984
because DeNeil knows me
well enough to know
277
00:09:07,983 --> 00:09:09,753
thats what I do
when I feel overwhelmed.
278
00:09:09,751 --> 00:09:11,991
- Is there any universe
in which youd consider
279
00:09:11,986 --> 00:09:13,716
just being yourself?
280
00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:14,820
- Are you insane?
281
00:09:14,821 --> 00:09:16,891
No.
I cant be myself.
282
00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:18,060
I dont know how to be
with a guy
283
00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:19,258
and try to connect
with his family.
284
00:09:19,259 --> 00:09:21,059
I dont know
how to do that.
285
00:09:21,060 --> 00:09:23,630
- What if you
Sharon Stone it?
286
00:09:23,628 --> 00:09:26,228
- Sharon Stoning it, yes!
287
00:09:26,230 --> 00:09:27,770
- Remember what she said,
288
00:09:27,766 --> 00:09:29,926
"If youre having a hard time
acting an emotion,
289
00:09:29,933 --> 00:09:33,203
just make the facial expression
and the emotion will follow."
290
00:09:33,203 --> 00:09:34,473
- Theres a reason
shes in Mensa.
291
00:09:34,471 --> 00:09:36,371
- She was never in Mensa.
- I know,
292
00:09:36,372 --> 00:09:38,042
but she said
she was in Mensa,
293
00:09:38,040 --> 00:09:40,710
so she should be in Mensa.
- I love her.
294
00:09:40,709 --> 00:09:42,309
- Ill go in there
and make my face look
295
00:09:42,310 --> 00:09:43,680
like Im enjoying
something painful
296
00:09:43,678 --> 00:09:45,548
until Im actually
having a good time.
297
00:09:45,546 --> 00:09:47,646
- I bet thats how she got
through "Basic Instinct 2."
298
00:09:47,647 --> 00:09:49,077
- Me too.
All right,
299
00:09:49,083 --> 00:09:50,753
night-before-birthday girl,
more importantly,
300
00:09:50,750 --> 00:09:52,450
are you ready
for the worst night of theater
301
00:09:52,451 --> 00:09:54,821
since Bruce Willis wore
an ear piece in "Misery"
302
00:09:54,820 --> 00:09:57,460
and still forgot
all his lines?
303
00:09:57,455 --> 00:10:00,555
- Whoo!
Sports.
304
00:10:00,558 --> 00:10:01,728
Mm.
305
00:10:01,726 --> 00:10:03,626
Hey, Fraternity Paddle,
youre back. Good.
306
00:10:03,627 --> 00:10:06,397
Hey, hand me the "Sports
Illustrated" swimsuit issue.
307
00:10:06,397 --> 00:10:08,927
I want to use it as a coaster
for my new brewski.
308
00:10:08,932 --> 00:10:10,732
- Jesus Christ, Arthur.
309
00:10:10,733 --> 00:10:12,203
Enough.
We get it.
310
00:10:12,201 --> 00:10:13,801
You scored a goal
or whatever.
311
00:10:13,802 --> 00:10:16,372
That doesnt mean you can not
ask me about my night.
312
00:10:16,371 --> 00:10:19,571
- Hey, Im watching the game.
Im a man.
313
00:10:19,573 --> 00:10:21,043
- Youre not acting
like a man.
314
00:10:21,041 --> 00:10:22,281
Youre acting
like a bro, okay,
315
00:10:22,275 --> 00:10:23,905
and if I wanted to be
with a bro,
316
00:10:23,911 --> 00:10:25,681
I would have blown Doug Ellin
at the bathroom at the Standard
317
00:10:25,678 --> 00:10:28,178
the night Billy and I crashed
that "Entourage" party.
318
00:10:28,180 --> 00:10:30,150
- Quit riding me, woman!
319
00:10:30,149 --> 00:10:32,479
Im going into my man-cave.
320
00:10:32,483 --> 00:10:34,423
Ahh.
321
00:10:39,089 --> 00:10:41,059
[cheering on TV]
322
00:10:41,057 --> 00:10:43,087
- I dont understand.
Are you mad at me?
323
00:10:43,092 --> 00:10:45,262
Why am I doing deliveries?
Why isnt Billy?
324
00:10:45,261 --> 00:10:46,761
- Because Billy is joining
DeNeil and I
325
00:10:46,762 --> 00:10:49,332
for our family dinner
with my aunt tonight.
326
00:10:49,331 --> 00:10:52,831
- Wait, so Billy is meeting
Aunt Sam before I get to?
327
00:10:52,834 --> 00:10:54,044
Whats happening?
328
00:10:54,035 --> 00:10:55,765
Okay, downs up,
cats are dogs,
329
00:10:55,769 --> 00:10:58,369
what, Patti LuPone suddenly
doesnt hate Bernadette Peters?
330
00:10:58,371 --> 00:11:00,841
- Hey!
I assure you,
331
00:11:00,840 --> 00:11:04,080
Patti still really fucking
hates Bernadette Peters.
332
00:11:04,076 --> 00:11:07,046
Theres a reason
for this dinner, okay?
333
00:11:07,045 --> 00:11:09,475
My aunts are bitches.
They hate everybody.
334
00:11:09,480 --> 00:11:11,550
Theyll tear Billy to shreds.
335
00:11:11,549 --> 00:11:13,819
Then Billy will dump DeNeil,
and that way
336
00:11:13,817 --> 00:11:16,117
my brother wont hate me,
cause Im not the bad guy.
337
00:11:16,118 --> 00:11:18,218
My aunts are the bad guy!
338
00:11:18,220 --> 00:11:22,460
- Oh, Mama, you are
as smart as Sharon Stone.
339
00:11:22,458 --> 00:11:24,388
[laughs]
340
00:11:28,863 --> 00:11:30,733
[children yelling]
341
00:11:30,730 --> 00:11:32,200
Hey, let go!
342
00:11:32,198 --> 00:11:33,628
Hey!
Oh, my God!
343
00:11:33,633 --> 00:11:35,033
Let go! Let go!
344
00:11:35,034 --> 00:11:36,574
[sobs]
345
00:11:36,569 --> 00:11:39,069
Whats happening?
Whats happening?
346
00:11:39,071 --> 00:11:40,411
[sobs]
347
00:11:42,139 --> 00:11:45,039
- So thats when Arthur
was like, "Oh, my.
348
00:11:45,042 --> 00:11:47,242
Uh, hold it right there,
Hockey Puck."
349
00:11:47,243 --> 00:11:49,453
- He did not.
- He fucking did.
350
00:11:49,445 --> 00:11:50,805
[both laughing]
351
00:11:50,813 --> 00:11:52,753
Spit it out, Mom!
352
00:11:52,748 --> 00:11:54,148
- I love you.
353
00:11:54,149 --> 00:11:56,149
- Really?
- Sort of.
354
00:11:56,151 --> 00:11:58,221
[both laughing]
355
00:11:58,219 --> 00:11:59,749
- All right, folks.
356
00:11:59,753 --> 00:12:02,163
Its 11:00 p. m.,
and you know what that means.
357
00:12:02,155 --> 00:12:03,215
Time for karaoke!
358
00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:05,363
- Ohh.
- Boo!
359
00:12:05,358 --> 00:12:08,598
- I swear, New York is becoming
the worst suburb, you know?
360
00:12:08,595 --> 00:12:09,955
- I hate--I hate it.
361
00:12:09,962 --> 00:12:11,062
[B-52s "Love Shack" playing]
362
00:12:11,063 --> 00:12:13,163
♪ If you see a faded sign ♪
363
00:12:13,164 --> 00:12:14,804
♪ at the side of the road ♪
364
00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:17,070
♪ that says 15 miles to the-- ♪
365
00:12:17,067 --> 00:12:20,697
- ♪ Love shack! ♪
366
00:12:25,774 --> 00:12:29,144
- ♪ Love shack, baby
youre a love shack ♪
367
00:12:29,144 --> 00:12:30,714
♪ Oh, love shack! ♪
368
00:12:35,282 --> 00:12:36,822
Youve been wonderful.
369
00:12:36,817 --> 00:12:40,117
So were just gonna
bring it down just a little bit.
370
00:12:40,120 --> 00:12:42,150
- Excuse me.
You have been up there forever.
371
00:12:42,154 --> 00:12:44,094
- Oh, Im sorry.
Im--let me guess.
372
00:12:44,089 --> 00:12:45,389
You guys are from Tisch?
373
00:12:45,390 --> 00:12:48,030
You musical theater students
from NYU?
374
00:12:48,026 --> 00:12:50,026
- Yeah.
- We took a vote,
375
00:12:50,028 --> 00:12:52,128
and nobody likes you.
376
00:12:52,129 --> 00:12:53,599
- Youre gonna do the thing
at karaoke
377
00:12:53,597 --> 00:12:56,127
where you pretend to be
worse singers than you are,
378
00:12:56,133 --> 00:12:58,273
and you use less vibrato
in your voice?
379
00:12:58,267 --> 00:12:59,497
Cause I invented that trick!
380
00:12:59,501 --> 00:13:01,101
- All right, lets go.
381
00:13:01,103 --> 00:13:03,913
Well be back next week
with some more.
382
00:13:03,905 --> 00:13:05,365
You know who she
reminds me of?
383
00:13:05,373 --> 00:13:07,413
- Kathleen Marcovici.
Remember her?
384
00:13:07,408 --> 00:13:09,108
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Remember that bitch mother,
385
00:13:09,109 --> 00:13:11,249
Hannah?
- God, I hated her,
386
00:13:11,245 --> 00:13:13,905
mouthing off to me
at every PTA meeting.
387
00:13:13,913 --> 00:13:15,513
- Yeah.
- Bitch.
388
00:13:15,514 --> 00:13:17,384
- Lets take an Uber
to their place
389
00:13:17,383 --> 00:13:19,253
and fuck with them.
- Your treat!
390
00:13:19,251 --> 00:13:21,321
[laughs]
Oh.
391
00:13:24,221 --> 00:13:26,191
- Actually, Auntie Frankie,
we met on Tinder,
392
00:13:26,190 --> 00:13:27,720
so weve been texting
for months.
393
00:13:27,724 --> 00:13:29,494
It was just
a weird coincidence--
394
00:13:29,492 --> 00:13:32,202
- Show of hands.
Whos bored with this story?
395
00:13:32,195 --> 00:13:33,655
- Youre right.
This story sucks.
396
00:13:33,663 --> 00:13:36,733
I feel like I was
on a Tyler Perry show on OWN.
397
00:13:36,731 --> 00:13:38,171
[laughter]
398
00:13:38,166 --> 00:13:39,626
- [whispering] What the fuck
are you doing?
399
00:13:39,634 --> 00:13:41,504
- [whispering] He seems sweet.
- Hes Satan!
400
00:13:41,502 --> 00:13:42,942
- May I please have
some more wine?
401
00:13:42,936 --> 00:13:44,136
- Funny and polite.
402
00:13:44,137 --> 00:13:46,167
He says may, not can,
403
00:13:46,173 --> 00:13:48,313
because he knows
what words mean.
404
00:13:48,308 --> 00:13:50,208
Arent they cute together?
405
00:13:50,209 --> 00:13:51,739
Go on, hold hands.
406
00:13:51,743 --> 00:13:53,583
We dont mind if you canoodle
at the table.
407
00:13:53,579 --> 00:13:56,049
[giggles]
- Love is love.
408
00:13:56,047 --> 00:13:58,877
Go on, kiss.
[laughs]
409
00:13:58,883 --> 00:14:02,293
all: Ooh!
[both laughing]
410
00:14:02,286 --> 00:14:05,016
- I dont care
what Dr. Ben Carson says.
411
00:14:05,021 --> 00:14:07,421
I like when nice men kiss.
412
00:14:07,423 --> 00:14:09,793
- DeNeil, why dont you
go get the dessert?
413
00:14:09,792 --> 00:14:11,162
And Billy, go with him.
414
00:14:11,159 --> 00:14:13,229
- Everybody loves me.
415
00:14:13,228 --> 00:14:14,928
- What the hell are you doing?
416
00:14:14,929 --> 00:14:16,559
You two hate everyone!
417
00:14:16,563 --> 00:14:18,103
You wouldnt even let me watch
Mr. Rogers growing up
418
00:14:18,098 --> 00:14:21,098
because you said only
peeping toms wore cardigans.
419
00:14:21,101 --> 00:14:22,701
- I stand by that!
420
00:14:22,702 --> 00:14:25,672
- Do you think that I invited
Billy to a family dinner
421
00:14:25,671 --> 00:14:27,741
so he can feel like
hes part of this family?
422
00:14:27,739 --> 00:14:29,309
Why do you refuse
to hate the one person
423
00:14:29,307 --> 00:14:31,077
I fucking begged
you two to hate?
424
00:14:31,075 --> 00:14:32,335
I begged ya!
I begged ya!
425
00:14:32,343 --> 00:14:33,883
- Hes sweet and charming.
426
00:14:33,877 --> 00:14:36,707
- Yeah, and maybe Nate can
learn a thing or two.
427
00:14:36,713 --> 00:14:39,253
- I swear to God--
- What the hell did I do?
428
00:14:39,248 --> 00:14:41,818
- I cant believe
how much they like you.
429
00:14:41,818 --> 00:14:44,288
- I know. I cant believe
how much I like this.
430
00:14:44,285 --> 00:14:46,615
Middle aged African-American
women are my demo.
431
00:14:46,621 --> 00:14:49,161
- And youre comfortable?
- Yeah, its weird.
432
00:14:49,156 --> 00:14:51,586
You know, whenever I eat pie,
its usually alone,
433
00:14:51,591 --> 00:14:56,231
standing over the sink,
but this feels very... familial.
434
00:14:56,229 --> 00:14:58,229
Your aunts are so nice.
435
00:14:58,231 --> 00:15:01,231
My family dinners
are not like that.
436
00:15:01,233 --> 00:15:03,873
Im sorry.
Im never this open.
437
00:15:03,868 --> 00:15:06,538
You know, I havent even
done poppers.
438
00:15:06,537 --> 00:15:08,637
Unless Auntie Frankie
put some in the ham.
439
00:15:08,639 --> 00:15:10,539
Its weird, you know?
Its, like,
440
00:15:10,541 --> 00:15:12,311
do you know that scene
in "When Harry Met Sally"
441
00:15:12,308 --> 00:15:14,738
when Meg Ryan, like,
almost starts to cry
442
00:15:14,744 --> 00:15:16,514
cause she talks
about the little kid
443
00:15:16,511 --> 00:15:19,751
pointing at a family and saying,
"I spy a family"?
444
00:15:19,748 --> 00:15:23,018
Im not Meg Ryan.
Im Sharon Stone, you know?
445
00:15:23,017 --> 00:15:25,147
- I heard shes in Mensa.
446
00:15:26,186 --> 00:15:27,616
MARILYN: Fucking Marcovicis.
447
00:15:27,620 --> 00:15:29,560
Hannah used to lie
in that hammock all day long
448
00:15:29,556 --> 00:15:31,286
drinking
Crystal Light and gin.
449
00:15:31,290 --> 00:15:32,690
- What a whore.
I hate them.
450
00:15:32,691 --> 00:15:34,091
- Strike the match
away from you.
451
00:15:34,092 --> 00:15:35,162
- I know how to light poop,
mother!
452
00:15:35,160 --> 00:15:36,290
- Oh, yeah?
- Get ready to--
453
00:15:36,294 --> 00:15:37,504
ring the doorbell.
Get ready.
454
00:15:37,495 --> 00:15:38,495
Get ready.
Get ready. Get ready.
455
00:15:38,496 --> 00:15:39,796
- Go!
Go, go, go! Go!
456
00:15:39,797 --> 00:15:41,027
- Ring the doorbell!
Ring the doorbell!
457
00:15:41,031 --> 00:15:42,131
[doorbell ringing]
Ahh!
458
00:15:42,132 --> 00:15:45,772
[both giggling]
459
00:15:45,769 --> 00:15:47,599
- [gasps]
460
00:15:49,205 --> 00:15:50,435
- Oh!
- [laughs]
461
00:15:51,506 --> 00:15:52,936
- Oh. Oh, oh, oh.
462
00:15:52,941 --> 00:15:55,341
[both laughing]
463
00:15:55,342 --> 00:15:57,342
- Why did you do this to me?
464
00:15:57,344 --> 00:16:00,154
- Wait, are you
Hannah Marcovici?
465
00:16:00,146 --> 00:16:01,646
- No!
466
00:16:01,648 --> 00:16:04,378
The Marcovicis moved away
after Brian Williams got fired.
467
00:16:04,384 --> 00:16:06,024
My name is Willa Kaplan!
468
00:16:06,018 --> 00:16:09,748
Im a retired schoolteacher,
and Im upset!
469
00:16:09,754 --> 00:16:11,624
- Lets go.
Quick, quick.
470
00:16:11,623 --> 00:16:14,433
- At least it was fun
to light poop.
471
00:16:14,425 --> 00:16:16,985
She probably deserved it
some way anyway.
472
00:16:16,994 --> 00:16:18,734
[both laughing]
473
00:16:18,728 --> 00:16:22,028
Oh, happy birthday,
sweetheart.
474
00:16:22,031 --> 00:16:23,271
I love you.
475
00:16:24,500 --> 00:16:28,940
- Happy 36th anniversary
of your labor.
476
00:16:28,936 --> 00:16:30,766
You can be a fun mom.
477
00:16:30,771 --> 00:16:33,311
- Did you just give me
a compliment?
478
00:16:33,307 --> 00:16:36,037
- Yes, and it was a good one.
[laughs]
479
00:16:36,042 --> 00:16:37,382
- Oh, Julie.
480
00:16:37,376 --> 00:16:39,106
Im sorry
for all the past birthdays
481
00:16:39,112 --> 00:16:40,612
you had
that werent perfect.
482
00:16:40,613 --> 00:16:42,183
Lets have a do-over.
483
00:16:42,180 --> 00:16:43,550
- Oh, thats silly.
- Yes.
484
00:16:43,548 --> 00:16:44,878
- Theres no do-overs.
- Lets go back
485
00:16:44,882 --> 00:16:46,522
to that restaurant,
that terrible restaurant
486
00:16:46,518 --> 00:16:48,188
where they cook food
in front of you,
487
00:16:48,185 --> 00:16:51,045
and this time I wont leave.
488
00:16:51,054 --> 00:16:52,664
- Okay.
Its a deal.
489
00:16:52,655 --> 00:16:54,255
- Come on.
- Ohh.
490
00:16:54,257 --> 00:16:56,387
- Lets find
an Irish neighborhood,
491
00:16:56,391 --> 00:16:57,661
and well have a nightcap!
492
00:17:01,996 --> 00:17:04,426
- Oh, my God.
493
00:17:04,432 --> 00:17:06,672
Billy, where did you
even find this?
494
00:17:06,667 --> 00:17:08,697
- I found this lunatic
on Etsy
495
00:17:08,701 --> 00:17:10,371
who will literally draw
anyones face
496
00:17:10,370 --> 00:17:12,440
on a celebrity body,
so this is you and me
497
00:17:12,438 --> 00:17:13,738
as Michael Stipe
and Kate Pierson
498
00:17:13,739 --> 00:17:16,379
in the "Shiny Happy People"
video.
499
00:17:16,375 --> 00:17:17,875
- I dont know what to say.
500
00:17:17,876 --> 00:17:19,036
- Happy Birthday, Jules.
501
00:17:19,044 --> 00:17:21,384
- Well, stray dogs ate
all the food again,
502
00:17:21,379 --> 00:17:23,949
and they bit
my neck and hands!
503
00:17:23,948 --> 00:17:27,018
Im stuck doing deliveries just
because youre dating DeNeil?
504
00:17:27,016 --> 00:17:28,246
This isnt fair!
505
00:17:28,251 --> 00:17:29,521
- How was dinner with DeNeil?
506
00:17:29,518 --> 00:17:30,788
I didnt get a single text
from you
507
00:17:30,786 --> 00:17:32,016
that said
"Get me out of here"
508
00:17:32,020 --> 00:17:33,420
or "Call in a bomb threat."
509
00:17:33,421 --> 00:17:34,721
- I mean,
it started off awkward,
510
00:17:34,722 --> 00:17:36,092
but I forced myself
to smile,
511
00:17:36,090 --> 00:17:38,190
and I wound up getting
emotional over pie,
512
00:17:38,192 --> 00:17:39,832
and then it was great.
513
00:17:39,826 --> 00:17:41,226
I think theres something
to the Sharon Stoning thing.
514
00:17:41,227 --> 00:17:42,827
- And you still like DeNeil?
- Yeah.
515
00:17:42,829 --> 00:17:45,299
Like, a lot, I think,
even after a family dinner.
516
00:17:45,298 --> 00:17:46,568
- Thats huge.
Family can be
517
00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:47,996
a real clit-flattener.
- Hm.
518
00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:49,700
Hey, didnt
E. E. Cummings say that?
519
00:17:49,701 --> 00:17:51,401
- Yes.
So when do I get to meet DeNeil?
520
00:17:51,403 --> 00:17:53,813
Oh, why dont you invite him
to my birthday dinner tonight?
521
00:17:53,805 --> 00:17:55,265
- Oh, what time?
- [gasps] Quarter past
522
00:17:55,273 --> 00:17:57,273
"youre not invited."
- [groans]
523
00:17:57,274 --> 00:17:58,714
You are everything.
[laughs]
524
00:17:58,708 --> 00:18:01,678
- Does anybody else
even work here?
525
00:18:04,780 --> 00:18:07,680
- Hey, bud, Id like to order
for the birthday girl.
526
00:18:07,683 --> 00:18:10,723
Shes my old lady.
- Arthur, I swear to God.
527
00:18:10,718 --> 00:18:13,418
- Chickens be clucking,
am I right?
528
00:18:13,420 --> 00:18:17,160
- Id like to propose a toast.
529
00:18:17,156 --> 00:18:19,926
The year was 1979.
530
00:18:19,925 --> 00:18:22,125
My haircut was awful.
531
00:18:22,127 --> 00:18:23,627
"Bangs,"
I told the stylist.
532
00:18:23,628 --> 00:18:25,928
"Lets try bangs,"
but no.
533
00:18:25,930 --> 00:18:28,870
He was dead-set
on a center part.
534
00:18:28,866 --> 00:18:32,596
- Sorry to interrupt, Mom.
I have to go to the bathroom.
535
00:18:32,603 --> 00:18:34,573
- Pull your hair back
when you vomit.
536
00:18:34,570 --> 00:18:36,170
You look so pretty tonight.
537
00:18:36,172 --> 00:18:37,772
So DeNeil, DeNeil,
538
00:18:37,773 --> 00:18:41,183
who do you think looks good
with a center part?
539
00:18:41,176 --> 00:18:42,506
Nobody!
540
00:18:42,511 --> 00:18:44,511
- Okay, wed like
to invite a guest
541
00:18:44,512 --> 00:18:46,982
behind the grill
to learn a trick.
542
00:18:46,980 --> 00:18:49,420
Whos the most athletic person
in the group?
543
00:18:49,416 --> 00:18:51,076
- Uh, thatd be me.
544
00:18:51,083 --> 00:18:52,523
- All right, come around.
545
00:18:52,519 --> 00:18:55,389
So, we cut the meat,
and we throw the meat.
546
00:18:55,387 --> 00:18:56,457
Think you can handle it?
547
00:18:56,455 --> 00:18:58,355
- Yeah, I think
I can handle it.
548
00:18:58,356 --> 00:19:00,486
- Billy, there you are!
549
00:19:00,491 --> 00:19:02,231
- Matthew, I think Julie
made it pretty clear
550
00:19:02,226 --> 00:19:03,526
you werent invited here.
551
00:19:03,527 --> 00:19:05,927
- Shh. DeNeil,
Billy doesnt like you.
552
00:19:05,929 --> 00:19:07,229
It took me a few hours,
553
00:19:07,230 --> 00:19:09,770
but I finally realized
what Sharon Stoning means.
554
00:19:09,765 --> 00:19:12,665
Okay? Hes pretending
to have emotions for you.
555
00:19:12,668 --> 00:19:14,998
- Is that true?
- No!
556
00:19:15,003 --> 00:19:20,873
I mean, it was,
but now I really like you,
557
00:19:20,874 --> 00:19:23,014
and, you know, Im
so used to separating things,
558
00:19:23,009 --> 00:19:25,679
and--
- Billy, I got to be honest.
559
00:19:25,678 --> 00:19:28,648
When you were on Tinder,
you were a lot less sappy.
560
00:19:28,648 --> 00:19:30,178
- What?
- Youre kind of emotional.
561
00:19:30,182 --> 00:19:32,552
I dont know,
and its kind of a turn-off.
562
00:19:32,551 --> 00:19:34,021
- Are you fucking kidding me?
563
00:19:34,018 --> 00:19:35,948
No, no, no, no.
Im a block of ice.
564
00:19:35,953 --> 00:19:38,323
I checked Deadline
at my dads funeral.
565
00:19:38,321 --> 00:19:40,061
When Bing Bong died,
I nodded off.
566
00:19:40,057 --> 00:19:42,887
I Shazamed songs
during "Still Alice."
567
00:19:42,892 --> 00:19:44,532
- Look, this is
way too much.
568
00:19:44,526 --> 00:19:46,326
Youre way too attached.
569
00:19:46,328 --> 00:19:47,898
Weve only known each other
for a couple of days.
570
00:19:47,896 --> 00:19:49,726
Im going back to Atlanta.
- No! Wait--
571
00:19:49,731 --> 00:19:51,801
- When I tell Denise
that you two are over,
572
00:19:51,799 --> 00:19:53,569
youre gonna go back
to doing deliveries
573
00:19:53,568 --> 00:19:55,598
for the rest
of your non-equity life.
574
00:19:55,602 --> 00:19:56,802
- Get the fuck out of here,
Matthew!
575
00:19:56,803 --> 00:19:57,703
- Oh!
576
00:19:57,704 --> 00:19:59,674
- Who can refill
my Buddha-tini?
577
00:19:59,673 --> 00:20:01,813
- Look,
there is that maniac
578
00:20:01,807 --> 00:20:04,507
who lit the dog shit on fire
outside our house.
579
00:20:04,509 --> 00:20:06,439
- Excuse me?
- Do you know
580
00:20:06,444 --> 00:20:08,454
I got dog shit
all over our hammock
581
00:20:08,446 --> 00:20:10,276
chasing after you
and then falling
582
00:20:10,281 --> 00:20:11,781
into the hammock
feet-first?
583
00:20:11,782 --> 00:20:14,052
- You know what?
I left my lights on.
584
00:20:14,050 --> 00:20:15,320
Ill be right back.
585
00:20:15,318 --> 00:20:17,748
- Somebody trip her
before she gets to the door.
586
00:20:17,753 --> 00:20:18,953
- You got great knife skills.
587
00:20:18,954 --> 00:20:20,624
- Yeah, well,
years of practice.
588
00:20:20,622 --> 00:20:24,192
And sometimes,
all you need is talent.
589
00:20:24,192 --> 00:20:25,762
Ah! Im blind!
- Oh!
590
00:20:25,759 --> 00:20:27,099
- [screams]
- Ah! Hey!
591
00:20:27,095 --> 00:20:29,325
Can we get a medic, please?
Some first aid?
592
00:20:29,329 --> 00:20:31,129
- I grilled my arms!
593
00:20:31,131 --> 00:20:33,371
And without a marinade!
594
00:20:33,366 --> 00:20:34,796
- [sighs]
595
00:20:34,801 --> 00:20:36,501
Happy birthday, Julie.
596
00:20:36,502 --> 00:20:40,812
Youre already 36, and you just
threw up in a public restroom.
597
00:20:43,173 --> 00:20:44,173
Oh, my God.
598
00:20:44,174 --> 00:20:45,714
Excuse me. Im sorry.
599
00:20:45,709 --> 00:20:48,449
Are you Kate Pierson
from the B-52s?
600
00:20:48,445 --> 00:20:50,245
- Yeah.
- Oh, my God, Kate Pierson,
601
00:20:50,246 --> 00:20:53,316
I cant believe
Im meeting you on my birthday.
602
00:20:53,316 --> 00:20:56,816
Do you have any idea
what your work has meant to me?
603
00:20:56,818 --> 00:21:00,548
- No, but I have a sneaking
suspicion Im about to find out.
604
00:21:00,554 --> 00:21:01,924
- When I was 11 years old,
605
00:21:01,922 --> 00:21:05,492
I didnt know
who I wanted to be one day,
606
00:21:05,491 --> 00:21:09,731
and then I saw you and Cindy
in beehives and go-go boots,
607
00:21:09,729 --> 00:21:13,229
harmonizing next to openly gay
Southern men,
608
00:21:13,232 --> 00:21:18,942
and I just realized this is
who I want to be one day.
609
00:21:18,936 --> 00:21:22,536
You gave me
someone to aspire to,
610
00:21:22,539 --> 00:21:24,809
and I didnt feel
so alone anymore.
611
00:21:24,807 --> 00:21:26,507
- Well, being alone
isnt so bad.
612
00:21:26,508 --> 00:21:29,108
Thats why sometimes people
have to duck into the bathroom
613
00:21:29,110 --> 00:21:32,080
just to get a couple of minutes
to be by themselves.
614
00:21:32,080 --> 00:21:33,580
You know what I mean?
615
00:21:33,581 --> 00:21:35,251
Anyway, happy birthday.
616
00:21:35,249 --> 00:21:36,719
- Thanks.
617
00:21:36,716 --> 00:21:39,786
I got to say, you know,
its real human of you
618
00:21:39,786 --> 00:21:41,646
to listen
to all my bullshit.
619
00:21:41,654 --> 00:21:43,464
- Well, now can I have
a little bit of privacy?
620
00:21:43,456 --> 00:21:44,486
- Oh, my God. Yes.
621
00:21:44,490 --> 00:21:45,560
Oh, please.
Of course.
622
00:21:45,557 --> 00:21:46,687
Im sorry, Kate Pierson.
623
00:21:46,691 --> 00:21:48,861
Thank you. Enjoy.
Uh, enjoy.
624
00:21:48,860 --> 00:21:50,090
- Thank you.
- Touched--I just touched you.
625
00:21:50,094 --> 00:21:51,604
Im sorry.
I touched your shoulder.
626
00:21:51,595 --> 00:21:53,155
Okay, good-bye.
I love you. Thank you.
627
00:21:53,164 --> 00:21:54,704
- Jesus Christ.
628
00:21:54,698 --> 00:21:57,898
[The Thompson Twins"If You Were Here"]
629
00:21:57,900 --> 00:22:05,840
♪ ♪
630
00:22:12,412 --> 00:22:13,812
- I cant believe it.
631
00:22:13,813 --> 00:22:16,923
Ive been fucking abandoned
on my birthday--
632
00:22:16,916 --> 00:22:18,416
again.
633
00:22:18,417 --> 00:22:22,417
♪ ♪
634
00:22:22,420 --> 00:22:25,220
- ♪ If you were here ♪
635
00:22:25,222 --> 00:22:26,492
- Thanks for coming back.
636
00:22:26,490 --> 00:22:27,960
- I just wish Id stayed.
637
00:22:27,958 --> 00:22:30,128
Chasing after DeNeil
was so stupid.
638
00:22:30,126 --> 00:22:32,626
- Why?
Cause hes in great shape, huh?
639
00:22:32,628 --> 00:22:34,528
- That,
and I also think
640
00:22:34,530 --> 00:22:36,030
when it comes
to the guys in my life,
641
00:22:36,031 --> 00:22:39,131
Im not ready
to stop compartmentalizing.
642
00:22:39,133 --> 00:22:40,273
The fact is,
643
00:22:40,267 --> 00:22:42,497
when Homeland Security
shut down Rentboy,
644
00:22:42,503 --> 00:22:44,443
all of our lives
fell to shit.
645
00:22:44,438 --> 00:22:45,708
- I think the secret
is just keeping
646
00:22:45,706 --> 00:22:47,536
your expectations
really low.
647
00:22:47,540 --> 00:22:48,870
That way you cant
be disappointed,
648
00:22:48,874 --> 00:22:50,914
and a birthday is
just another shitty day
649
00:22:50,910 --> 00:22:52,780
but with cake
that you have to share.
650
00:22:52,777 --> 00:22:54,577
- Are you really gonna
cut out alcohol?
651
00:22:54,579 --> 00:22:55,979
- Oh, yeah.
No, Im never letting
652
00:22:55,980 --> 00:22:58,550
my guard down
around Marilyn again.
653
00:22:58,549 --> 00:23:00,649
- Happy birthday, Jules.
654
00:23:00,651 --> 00:23:02,421
Make a wish.
655
00:23:02,419 --> 00:23:04,549
- It already came true.
656
00:23:04,554 --> 00:23:05,964
- It did?
- No, Im joking.
657
00:23:05,955 --> 00:23:08,555
Im a very unhappy person.
658
00:23:08,557 --> 00:23:10,457
But Im glad youre here.
659
00:23:10,459 --> 00:23:11,659
- Me too.
660
00:23:12,527 --> 00:23:14,727
GAY TEENAGER: [coughs]
661
00:23:14,729 --> 00:23:17,129
Hi. Sorry.
- Hello?
662
00:23:17,131 --> 00:23:20,071
- Sorry, I--Im just
hanging out
663
00:23:20,066 --> 00:23:23,136
in the bleachers here
after school.
664
00:23:23,136 --> 00:23:26,536
I heard a rumor that
if you wait long enough--
665
00:23:26,539 --> 00:23:28,409
- Yeah, go home, kid.
666
00:23:28,406 --> 00:23:29,636
There are hand jobs,
667
00:23:29,639 --> 00:23:31,209
but you have
to wait until college.
668
00:23:36,772 --> 00:23:39,012
MAN: ♪ Oh ♪
669
00:23:39,005 --> 00:23:41,535
♪ Thought itd be easy ♪
670
00:23:41,539 --> 00:23:44,169
♪ Thought they didnt know ♪
671
00:23:44,172 --> 00:23:48,212
♪ You thought it was
the only way to go ♪
672
00:23:48,205 --> 00:23:49,535
♪ ♪
673
00:23:49,539 --> 00:23:51,669
♪ Another way out ♪
674
00:23:51,672 --> 00:23:54,472
♪ Found on the way home ♪
675
00:23:54,472 --> 00:23:55,872
♪ Thought you were living fast ♪
676
00:23:55,872 --> 00:23:59,112
♪ But you were living slow ♪
677
00:23:59,105 --> 00:24:07,035
♪ ♪
49447
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