Original subtitles

[whistle blows]

[men grunting]

- Ugh, I cant believe Arthur made me go to a high school gym

to watch NPR play PBS in a game of sports ball.

[men grunting]

- Oh, God!

- Spread it out, guys! Spread it out!

Lets do this.

- This is bringing back memories of my high school experience.

I used to hear the fags were giving hand jobs

under the bleachers, and I was like, "Ugh,"

and then Id go wait there after school every day.

- Lets do this! - Good. Bring it on.

- Sorry.

[whistle blows] - Foul!

Too slow to be considered running.

- Oh, for Petes sake.

- PBS, youre gonna lose this game

like you lost "Sesame Street."

Suck this American dick.

- Bring it on. Bring it on.

- I will. I shall.

BILLY: Maybe this one. "Catalog-a-holic.

How hoarding catalogs eventually brought me to AA."

- Ooh, and thats a one-woman show?

- Its in the cabaret section.

- I think we can find worse.

- Its gonna be hard to top last years lady ventriloquist

singing about her abortions

in the style of Gilbert and Sullivan.

- Those were wordy abortions.

- Ooh, looks like DeNeil Tinder

is making a little visit to New York.

- I have been hearing about DeNeil Tinder for a month.

Are you two ever gonna meet?

- Are you out of your mind?

Ive got DeNeil Tinder, Allen Grindr, Max Scruff.

All these app guys I know who know so much about me

will be staying in my phone, thank you.

- Arthur!

- Nice D, Chester.

- Sorry. - Listen to this.

It sounds horrible.

"Searching for My Jake Ryan:

"How My 16-Year-Old Boyfriend Ruined My Life.

A Journey in Song."

- Thats the worst cabaret show in Manhattan.

- Now we have plans for the night before my birthday.

- I love our tradition of celebrating the night before.

- Yeah, cause the actual day always shits the bed.

- What was the worst birthday you ever had?

- Thats like asking me

which Bill Lawrence show do I find most contrived.

Its a tie for last.

Honestly, at this point, the only thing my mother

hasnt done to ruin my birthday is actually forget it,

like in "Sixteen Candles."

- Theres still time. - Mm.

- Go for it, Arthur. - Hes gonna--

- Gah!

[whistle blows]

[buzzer sounds]

- You scored the winning... goal!

- Home run! - Touchdown!

Touchdown! We won!

[all cheering]

- Let me guess, room temp Chamomile?

- Oh, yeah. You know they save the Earl Grey

for the championship.

[all cheering]

- Are you all turned on watching your boyfriend score

the winning point? - Oh, yeah.

From the waist down, Im a friggin lake.

[driving punk music]

♪ ♪

- Nice trophy, bro! - Oh, thank you, stranger.

- Hey, do you guys want to get some dinner?

I think Giuliana Rancics new restaurant is nearby.

They serve ice, water, steam, and rain.

- Oh, my God. I wish.

I have to go home and recap "T. I. & Tiny: A Family Affair,"

although I might end up just splitting the difference

and putting my head in the oven.

- [chuckles]

- Why not try DeNeil Tinder?

- Hes still in Atlanta, which I know

because we text each other every single night,

even though weve never met.

- Right now you have two groups of guys in your life.

Men who you know intimately from your phone,

and guys that you have anonymous sex with.

- Yes. - So what I am pitching is

maybe theres an overlapping part

of the Venn diagram we can explore.

- I guess DeNeil Tinder isnt in New York a lot,

so even if we meet and it is a disaster,

he wont be hanging around a long time

to remind me its a disaster,

the way you sometimes still see posters

for that movie "Burnt."

- Exactly, so you have nothing to lose.

What if it actually works out?

And promise me, when it does,

youll never take him for granted.

- Duct Tape, men Ive never met are showing camaraderie!

- Arthur, please.

The soul mates are talking.

- Why didnt "Burnt" work?

- I have no idea. - Weve never figured that out.

- I cant think of a single reason.

Thats the problem.

- Remember, its your birthday lunch,

so you can have dessert,

but lets get rid of the bread basket

to even it out. There you go.

We dont want that. Thank you.

- Why do we have to go to your country club

for my birthday lunch?

Now all of your friends are gonna stop by

and schmooze you and ignore me.

- Okay, you know what I want to hear?

One thing that you are grateful for.

- Im grateful its not my 11th birthday dinner.

Remember when you abandoned me at that restaurant?

- This again.

Julie, it was, what, 25 years ago?

Come on. Move on. Get over it.

- Nothing you just said is an apology

or even an acknowledgement of how bad you made me feel.

I mean, you left me alone in a restaurant!

- I did not get far before I came back to get you.

- How was I supposed to know that?

I thought youd left forever.

- Well, I hadnt and Im still here.

Look whos here. Fred and Helen. Hello.

- Hello! - Marilyn, how are you?

- To what do we owe the pleasure?

- Im celebrating the 36th anniversary

of the day I survived 2 1/2 days of excruciating labor.

- You two should come by the spa later.

Ill give you a mother-daughter birthday special.

My treat.

- Well, that is so generous of you!

Mr. Harris owns the spa in Tribeca.

- Thank you very much.

- Youre quite welcome. - Many happy returns.

- Happy birthday. - Thanks.

- "And thank you, Mom,

"if you hadnt been kind enough to ask me to the club,

we wouldnt have a spa day."

- I hate it when you put words in my mouth, okay?

I would never say that. - No, of course you wouldnt,

because it would kill you to give me a compliment.

- Well, I would, but youre so busy

giving them to yourself all the time.

- Okay, because somebody has to worry about my feelings.

- What about my feelings?

You never take responsibility for how you affect them!

- Oh, if this about goddamn Benihana again--

- It is about goddamn Benihana again.

- Oh, stop it, Julie.

- And its about my bat mitzvah...

- Oh, please. - The theme of which was "Moms,"

on your insistence.

- You chose that theme yourself. - I did not.

- And you got to sit at the Peg Bundy table!

- I thought it was Kate Pierson from the B-52s!

- Excuse me, sir.

You know, I changed my mind about the bread.

[laughter]

- Billy, dont take off your coat.

You have more deliveries. - No, thats not fair.

How come Matthew never has to make a delivery?

- Oh, "Boo-hoo.

"I was in The Seagull at Northwestern.

Now I deliver cheeseburgers."

Suck it up, sideburns!

- But Im finally meeting that guy from Tinder tonight.

I cant be late.

How come this place cant be more like "Ratatouille"?

- We all got troubles.

My favorite piano key scarf,

ruined by my dry cleaner.

- You make me want to forgive Eddie Murphy

for everything hes ever said.

- Speak of the devil.

Eddie, I told you Im not speaking to you again

until you pay me that thousand bucks you owe me.

- Wait, are you the one from the story?

- No, the one died under mysterious circumstances,

God rest her soul.

No, Im the asshole that sold him a flat screen TV

he still hasnt paid for.

- I guess its easier to accept a free spa day

than it is to give your mother a compliment.

- Can we not talk, please?

- I am so sorry,

but its gonna be a little while longer.

Chloeë Sevigny rented out all the treatment rooms

and is taking longer than expected.

- Why does she need all the rooms?

- Oh, shes treating the whole cast

of "American Horror Story: Hotel" to a wrap gift.

Its for their PTSD.

- Is Gaga here? - Oh, Im afraid not.

She was supposed to be on tour with Tony Bennett,

but shes being detained in China for elder abuse.

Can I bring you some complimentary champagne

while you wait?

- Yes.

[laughs] Oh, my.

Whats the average IQ

of a woman who reads these things?

- Oy! Me and me mom need more champers!

- Look at this. "Dear advice lady.

"Ive never looked at my own vagina.

"Should I squat over a hand mirror

or hire a caricature artist?"

- A caricature artist.

That way you can count all the "NINAs."

[both laughing]

- Gaga!

BILLY: DeNeil Tinder, at long last.

DENEIL: Billy Tinder. [both laughing]

So, huh.

- This apartment is huge. - Yes.

- Your sister must be doing well.

- Oh, shes doing really well for herself.

- You know whats strange is that, you know,

normally on a first date, you could just make

this, like, meaningless bullshit small talk,

but you know me too well now

cause weve been texting forever,

so you know that I dont give a shit

how your flight was, and I dont give a shit

what the weathers like in Atlanta.

- Yeah, and you know me well enough

to know that my whole homo-thug routine

for quick sex is bullshit.

- Right. So, no small talk.

What do we do?

- Well, if we didnt know each other so well,

what would we do?

- Sex with a guy you really know, not so bad.

- Yeah.

Who knew?

- Certainly not David Duchovny.

- Can I offer you something to drink?

- No. I think Im fine.

God, your sister has a beautiful place.

- Yeah. She and her husband have their own business.

Its a café.

- Oh, my God.

- [laughs] Shes all alone. - I cant believe--

- Oh, God-- Oh, God!

[panting]

- Denise is his sister?

Holy shit! [laughs]

- I know.

Its the weirdest thing thats ever happened!

And of course the one time

I try combining sex and intimacy,

I end up shitting where I eat.

Eating where I fuck? Fucking where I shit?

- Dealers choice.

What did she say?

- Oh, it was also so weird.

She was nice, and I was confused,

DeNeil was confused, and then she ended up

inviting me to a family dinner tomorrow.

- Do you want me to call and say your dad died again?

- [laughing] No! I dont know what to do.

I cant just dump him

because Denise hates me enough as it is,

and I cant ghost him, though I usually would,

because DeNeil knows me well enough to know

thats what I do when I feel overwhelmed.

- Is there any universe in which youd consider

just being yourself?

- Are you insane?

No. I cant be myself.

I dont know how to be with a guy

and try to connect with his family.

I dont know how to do that.

- What if you Sharon Stone it?

- Sharon Stoning it, yes!

- Remember what she said,

"If youre having a hard time acting an emotion,

just make the facial expression and the emotion will follow."

- Theres a reason shes in Mensa.

- She was never in Mensa. - I know,

but she said she was in Mensa,

so she should be in Mensa. - I love her.

- Ill go in there and make my face look

like Im enjoying something painful

until Im actually having a good time.

- I bet thats how she got through "Basic Instinct 2."

- Me too. All right,

night-before-birthday girl, more importantly,

are you ready for the worst night of theater

since Bruce Willis wore an ear piece in "Misery"

and still forgot all his lines?

- Whoo! Sports.

Mm.

Hey, Fraternity Paddle, youre back. Good.

Hey, hand me the "Sports Illustrated" swimsuit issue.

I want to use it as a coaster for my new brewski.

- Jesus Christ, Arthur.

Enough. We get it.

You scored a goal or whatever.

That doesnt mean you can not ask me about my night.

- Hey, Im watching the game. Im a man.

- Youre not acting like a man.

Youre acting like a bro, okay,

and if I wanted to be with a bro,

I would have blown Doug Ellin at the bathroom at the Standard

the night Billy and I crashed that "Entourage" party.

- Quit riding me, woman!

Im going into my man-cave.

Ahh.

[cheering on TV]

- I dont understand. Are you mad at me?

Why am I doing deliveries? Why isnt Billy?

- Because Billy is joining DeNeil and I

for our family dinner with my aunt tonight.

- Wait, so Billy is meeting Aunt Sam before I get to?

Whats happening?

Okay, downs up, cats are dogs,

what, Patti LuPone suddenly doesnt hate Bernadette Peters?

- Hey! I assure you,

Patti still really fucking hates Bernadette Peters.

Theres a reason for this dinner, okay?

My aunts are bitches. They hate everybody.

Theyll tear Billy to shreds.

Then Billy will dump DeNeil, and that way

my brother wont hate me, cause Im not the bad guy.

My aunts are the bad guy!

- Oh, Mama, you are as smart as Sharon Stone.

[laughs]

[children yelling]

Hey, let go!

Hey! Oh, my God!

Let go! Let go!

[sobs]

Whats happening? Whats happening?

[sobs]

- So thats when Arthur was like, "Oh, my.

Uh, hold it right there, Hockey Puck."

- He did not. - He fucking did.

[both laughing]

Spit it out, Mom!

- I love you.

- Really? - Sort of.

[both laughing]

- All right, folks.

Its 11:00 p. m., and you know what that means.

Time for karaoke!

- Ohh. - Boo!

- I swear, New York is becoming the worst suburb, you know?

- I hate--I hate it.

[B-52s "Love Shack" playing]

♪ If you see a faded sign ♪

♪ at the side of the road ♪

♪ that says 15 miles to the-- ♪

- ♪ Love shack! ♪

- ♪ Love shack, baby youre a love shack ♪

♪ Oh, love shack! ♪

Youve been wonderful.

So were just gonna bring it down just a little bit.

- Excuse me. You have been up there forever.

- Oh, Im sorry. Im--let me guess.

You guys are from Tisch?

You musical theater students from NYU?

- Yeah. - We took a vote,

and nobody likes you.

- Youre gonna do the thing at karaoke

where you pretend to be worse singers than you are,

and you use less vibrato in your voice?

Cause I invented that trick!

- All right, lets go.

Well be back next week with some more.

You know who she reminds me of?

- Kathleen Marcovici. Remember her?

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Remember that bitch mother,

Hannah? - God, I hated her,

mouthing off to me at every PTA meeting.

- Yeah. - Bitch.

- Lets take an Uber to their place

and fuck with them. - Your treat!

[laughs] Oh.

- Actually, Auntie Frankie, we met on Tinder,

so weve been texting for months.

It was just a weird coincidence--

- Show of hands. Whos bored with this story?

- Youre right. This story sucks.

I feel like I was on a Tyler Perry show on OWN.

[laughter]

- [whispering] What the fuck are you doing?

- [whispering] He seems sweet. - Hes Satan!

- May I please have some more wine?

- Funny and polite.

He says may, not can,

because he knows what words mean.

Arent they cute together?

Go on, hold hands.

We dont mind if you canoodle at the table.

[giggles] - Love is love.

Go on, kiss. [laughs]

all: Ooh! [both laughing]

- I dont care what Dr. Ben Carson says.

I like when nice men kiss.

- DeNeil, why dont you go get the dessert?

And Billy, go with him.

- Everybody loves me.

- What the hell are you doing?

You two hate everyone!

You wouldnt even let me watch Mr. Rogers growing up

because you said only peeping toms wore cardigans.

- I stand by that!

- Do you think that I invited Billy to a family dinner

so he can feel like hes part of this family?

Why do you refuse to hate the one person

I fucking begged you two to hate?

I begged ya! I begged ya!

- Hes sweet and charming.

- Yeah, and maybe Nate can learn a thing or two.

- I swear to God-- - What the hell did I do?

- I cant believe how much they like you.

- I know. I cant believe how much I like this.

Middle aged African-American women are my demo.

- And youre comfortable? - Yeah, its weird.

You know, whenever I eat pie, its usually alone,

standing over the sink, but this feels very... familial.

Your aunts are so nice.

My family dinners are not like that.

Im sorry. Im never this open.

You know, I havent even done poppers.

Unless Auntie Frankie put some in the ham.

Its weird, you know? Its, like,

do you know that scene in "When Harry Met Sally"

when Meg Ryan, like, almost starts to cry

cause she talks about the little kid

pointing at a family and saying, "I spy a family"?

Im not Meg Ryan. Im Sharon Stone, you know?

- I heard shes in Mensa.

MARILYN: Fucking Marcovicis.

Hannah used to lie in that hammock all day long

drinking Crystal Light and gin.

- What a whore. I hate them.

- Strike the match away from you.

- I know how to light poop, mother!

- Oh, yeah? - Get ready to--

ring the doorbell. Get ready.

Get ready. Get ready. Get ready.

- Go! Go, go, go! Go!

- Ring the doorbell! Ring the doorbell!

[doorbell ringing] Ahh!

[both giggling]

- [gasps]

- Oh! - [laughs]

- Oh. Oh, oh, oh.

[both laughing]

- Why did you do this to me?

- Wait, are you Hannah Marcovici?

- No!

The Marcovicis moved away after Brian Williams got fired.

My name is Willa Kaplan!

Im a retired schoolteacher, and Im upset!

- Lets go. Quick, quick.

- At least it was fun to light poop.

She probably deserved it some way anyway.

[both laughing]

Oh, happy birthday, sweetheart.

I love you.

- Happy 36th anniversary of your labor.

You can be a fun mom.

- Did you just give me a compliment?

- Yes, and it was a good one. [laughs]

- Oh, Julie.

Im sorry for all the past birthdays

you had that werent perfect.

Lets have a do-over.

- Oh, thats silly. - Yes.

- Theres no do-overs. - Lets go back

to that restaurant, that terrible restaurant

where they cook food in front of you,

and this time I wont leave.

- Okay. Its a deal.

- Come on. - Ohh.

- Lets find an Irish neighborhood,

and well have a nightcap!

- Oh, my God.

Billy, where did you even find this?

- I found this lunatic on Etsy

who will literally draw anyones face

on a celebrity body, so this is you and me

as Michael Stipe and Kate Pierson

in the "Shiny Happy People" video.

- I dont know what to say.

- Happy Birthday, Jules.

- Well, stray dogs ate all the food again,

and they bit my neck and hands!

Im stuck doing deliveries just because youre dating DeNeil?

This isnt fair!

- How was dinner with DeNeil?

I didnt get a single text from you

that said "Get me out of here"

or "Call in a bomb threat."

- I mean, it started off awkward,

but I forced myself to smile,

and I wound up getting emotional over pie,

and then it was great.

I think theres something to the Sharon Stoning thing.

- And you still like DeNeil? - Yeah.

Like, a lot, I think, even after a family dinner.

- Thats huge. Family can be

a real clit-flattener. - Hm.

Hey, didnt E. E. Cummings say that?

- Yes. So when do I get to meet DeNeil?

Oh, why dont you invite him to my birthday dinner tonight?

- Oh, what time? - [gasps] Quarter past

"youre not invited." - [groans]

You are everything. [laughs]

- Does anybody else even work here?

- Hey, bud, Id like to order for the birthday girl.

Shes my old lady. - Arthur, I swear to God.

- Chickens be clucking, am I right?

- Id like to propose a toast.

The year was 1979.

My haircut was awful.

"Bangs," I told the stylist.

"Lets try bangs," but no.

He was dead-set on a center part.

- Sorry to interrupt, Mom. I have to go to the bathroom.

- Pull your hair back when you vomit.

You look so pretty tonight.

So DeNeil, DeNeil,

who do you think looks good with a center part?

Nobody!

- Okay, wed like to invite a guest

behind the grill to learn a trick.

Whos the most athletic person in the group?

- Uh, thatd be me.

- All right, come around.

So, we cut the meat, and we throw the meat.

Think you can handle it?

- Yeah, I think I can handle it.

- Billy, there you are!

- Matthew, I think Julie made it pretty clear

you werent invited here.

- Shh. DeNeil, Billy doesnt like you.

It took me a few hours,

but I finally realized what Sharon Stoning means.

Okay? Hes pretending to have emotions for you.

- Is that true? - No!

I mean, it was, but now I really like you,

and, you know, Im so used to separating things,

and-- - Billy, I got to be honest.

When you were on Tinder, you were a lot less sappy.

- What? - Youre kind of emotional.

I dont know, and its kind of a turn-off.

- Are you fucking kidding me?

No, no, no, no. Im a block of ice.

I checked Deadline at my dads funeral.

When Bing Bong died, I nodded off.

I Shazamed songs during "Still Alice."

- Look, this is way too much.

Youre way too attached.

Weve only known each other for a couple of days.

Im going back to Atlanta. - No! Wait--

- When I tell Denise that you two are over,

youre gonna go back to doing deliveries

for the rest of your non-equity life.

- Get the fuck out of here, Matthew!

- Oh!

- Who can refill my Buddha-tini?

- Look, there is that maniac

who lit the dog shit on fire outside our house.

- Excuse me? - Do you know

I got dog shit all over our hammock

chasing after you and then falling

into the hammock feet-first?

- You know what? I left my lights on.

Ill be right back.

- Somebody trip her before she gets to the door.

- You got great knife skills.

- Yeah, well, years of practice.

And sometimes, all you need is talent.

Ah! Im blind! - Oh!

- [screams] - Ah! Hey!

Can we get a medic, please? Some first aid?

- I grilled my arms!

And without a marinade!

- [sighs]

Happy birthday, Julie.

Youre already 36, and you just threw up in a public restroom.

Oh, my God.

Excuse me. Im sorry.

Are you Kate Pierson from the B-52s?

- Yeah. - Oh, my God, Kate Pierson,

I cant believe Im meeting you on my birthday.

Do you have any idea what your work has meant to me?

- No, but I have a sneaking suspicion Im about to find out.

- When I was 11 years old,

I didnt know who I wanted to be one day,

and then I saw you and Cindy in beehives and go-go boots,

harmonizing next to openly gay Southern men,

and I just realized this is who I want to be one day.

You gave me someone to aspire to,

and I didnt feel so alone anymore.

- Well, being alone isnt so bad.

Thats why sometimes people have to duck into the bathroom

just to get a couple of minutes to be by themselves.

You know what I mean?

Anyway, happy birthday.

- Thanks.

I got to say, you know, its real human of you

to listen to all my bullshit.

- Well, now can I have a little bit of privacy?

- Oh, my God. Yes.

Oh, please. Of course.

Im sorry, Kate Pierson.

Thank you. Enjoy. Uh, enjoy.

- Thank you. - Touched--I just touched you.

Im sorry. I touched your shoulder.

Okay, good-bye. I love you. Thank you.

- Jesus Christ.

[The Thompson Twins "If You Were Here"]

♪ ♪

- I cant believe it.

Ive been fucking abandoned on my birthday--

again.

♪ ♪

- ♪ If you were here ♪

- Thanks for coming back.

- I just wish Id stayed.

Chasing after DeNeil was so stupid.

- Why? Cause hes in great shape, huh?

- That, and I also think

when it comes to the guys in my life,

Im not ready to stop compartmentalizing.

The fact is,

when Homeland Security shut down Rentboy,

all of our lives fell to shit.

- I think the secret is just keeping

your expectations really low.

That way you cant be disappointed,

and a birthday is just another shitty day

but with cake that you have to share.

- Are you really gonna cut out alcohol?

- Oh, yeah. No, Im never letting

my guard down around Marilyn again.

- Happy birthday, Jules.

Make a wish.

- It already came true.

- It did? - No, Im joking.

Im a very unhappy person.

But Im glad youre here.

- Me too.

GAY TEENAGER: [coughs]

Hi. Sorry. - Hello?

- Sorry, I--Im just hanging out

in the bleachers here after school.

I heard a rumor that if you wait long enough--

- Yeah, go home, kid.

There are hand jobs,

but you have to wait until college.

MAN: ♪ Oh ♪

♪ Thought itd be easy ♪

♪ Thought they didnt know ♪

♪ You thought it was the only way to go ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Another way out ♪

♪ Found on the way home ♪

♪ Thought you were living fast ♪

♪ But you were living slow ♪

♪ ♪