Original subtitles

KAYLA: Julie, Billy.

We love a list here at Buzzlist,

so I hope you guys have plenty

for your two-week trial here as guest bloggers.

- Oh, dont worry, were bursting with lists.

- "7 Ways to Cook Bacon in the 90s."

- "21 Ways to Tell That Youre Introvert

Who Wont Shut Up About Being an Introvert on Social Media."

- "5 Ways to Kill Yourself After Posting

Your Im an Introvert Quiz Results."

- You guys will fit in great here.

- No ones ever said that to us. Ever.

- Ever. I get a full-time job here,

I can finally quit the cafe.

- And I can finally quit that shitty day job

I keep pretending Im gonna get.

- Two weeks of list-making and quizzes

and then we get a full-time job?

My immigrant grandparents would be appalled.

Perfect.

- Now, so you guys might be asked

to write sponsored posts,

which we pepper into our regular lists

for, you know, sneaky advertising.

- Oh, that sounds ethical.

- [exhales] If people really care so much

about violating their privacy, why are they on Facebook?

[all laugh] JULIE: Idiots.

- So right now they are working on a sponsored post

for Showtime, which is called

"6 Things to Look Forward to on Showtime This Year."

- They found six things?

- Yeah, apparently Ray Donovan

is getting a new hat,

and theyve begun a casting search

for a companion series to "The Affair."

- Ooh, a casting search. - Im gonna make a list

of eight shows Im never gonna watch,

and all eight are "The Affair."

- I love how that show is so well written,

and yet it manages to be so boring.

- Cable providers should change their name

to "Lets Waste Mare Winningham."

- Hey, youre allowed to bring a bunny to work?

KAYLA: Oh, yeah, all service animals are welcome here.

- Thats amazing news, cause I have two.

Three if you count Tootsie Rolls.

- Heres your new office.

[driving punk rock music]

♪ ♪

- Pen cap, you know that money conversation we had?

- Oh, fuck, you got the AmEx bill.

I can explain. - No, its not the AmEx bill.

- Oh, great, never mind.

Money talk over. Beep Boop. Transmission ended.

Now will you make dinner? - Actually,

I think Ive come up with a solution

that could save us a substantial amount in taxes.

- There you go. I knew you could do it.

Oh, how about waffles for dinner?

- I was thinking, we could register...

- Oh, no. - As...

- Ah, bup-bup-bup-bup-- - Domestic partners.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no...

- Why not? - No.

Because, Arthur, its square and it sounds complicated

and paperwork and official and--

dont rock the boat.

Youre trying to tame a wild horse.

I gotta see the world, man.

- The world? You dont even get off the couch

to have dinner.

- You know what intrigues me?

The last word of your sentence just now.

Dinner.

- We have some serious financial concerns.

- Well, Billy and I are about to be permanently hired,

and Showtime is casting for a new series

that I just heard about today,

So stop acting all cranky

like Martin Sheen being forced to play a gay guy on that show.

- This isnt a joke, Julie. - [sighs]

- Do you hear me? JULIE: Yes.

- Its not a joke. - I know.

- And you know what? - What?

- Neither is "Grace and Frankie."

- Oh, Jesus Christ. - You could learn something

from that show. It has a lot of heart.

Cook your own dinner!

- How?

♪ Whos gonna be two service dogs? ♪

♪ Youre gonna be two service dogs ♪

♪ ♪

[dance music]

- Sorry, not tonight, man.

- Not tonight what?

- We have enough bears inside.

- Bears? I am way too fit to be a bear.

- Well, youre too old to be a cub.

- Well, then Im Kissyfur.

Im the teen bear, so...

- Teen? Girl, please.

- And youre not a wolf. - If you were a wolf,

wed let you in. - Definitely.

Were also always looking for otters and jackals.

- Oh, jackals are a thing now?

- Yeah, theyre blond wolves

with a tan and a good laugh.

- Well, then what am I?

- I mean, sort of nothing.

- Yeah, nothing.

- Maybe try the piano bar down the street.

- The piano bar? Fuck you.

[somber music]

Excuse me.

Cubs, wolves, otters, excuse me.

Old McDonald had a fucking farm out here!

♪ ♪

[sighs]

♪ ♪

Whats going on here?

- Sorry, nobodys getting in tonight.

[music fades out] - Are--are you kidding me?

- The whole building is quarantined.

Ebola scare.

- Ebola?

Excuse me? Ebola?

Well, wh--what is this, 2014?

- [chuckles] Thats a good one.

Now get outta here.

- Ebola?

- Yeah.

[music resumes]

♪ ♪

- Theres Ebola in my apartment.

- So then I got to spend a magical night

at my brothers house. I swear they keep it at,

like, 153 degrees in there.

- And Im so sorry I didnt hear the phone ring

last night when you called.

[sighs] That new sleep apnea mask

really makes a racket, but its worth it

to finally feel like a cyborg elephant at night.

- Would you say Im a bear? - You?

No, I always thought of you more as a wolf,

but, like, in a Wolfman Jack kind of way.

- I dont fit into a single animal type

on the entire Noahs Ark of gay hipsters.

- Okay, Buzzlisters.

Tourism Connecticut has commissioned a list

of "The 9 Most Disgusting Things in New York City."

Go. - Uh, hot dog water.

- Uh, Mario Batalis scooter seat.

[cell phone buzzes] - Yeah, thats good.

- Holy shit, Billy, I got the Showtime audition.

- Amazing. - Yeah, apparently some slots

opened up last minute this afternoon

because in L. A., people read the sides,

fell asleep at the wheel, and died.

- "The 10 Best Beer and Candle Combinations."

Write that down.

- They just said, "Remember,

"this is premium cable.

Adjust your performance accordingly."

What does that mean?

- Maybe... not American?

- Oh, right, of course, cause all those actors are

English or Australian trying to sound American,

like, with those hard Rs.

- So maybe you try to sound Australian

trying to sound American. - Yes, brilliant.

I guess Ill bring the dogs with me.

Theyve already been banned from the service animal area

for eating that poor girls rabbit.

- [breathing heavily] JULIE: If its any consolation,

just know that basset hounds were bred to hunt rabbits,

which, Im not gonna lie,

I find a little charming. - [laughs]

[rock music]

- And this is Julie Kessler and friends.

- Oh, service dogs. Ah, sometimes I wish I was a dog

so I could just eat out of a bowl on the floor.

- So the show is called "Tryst."

Its a companion piece to "The Affair."

Fun coinky-dink, turns out my third husband

was having an affair with my second husband.

Now the two are getting married

and Im living with my parents again

in Staten Island. [chuckles]

- I have news. Im cancer free.

[laughs] Im still gonna go to chemo

every so often just to keep up portion control.

- Whenever youre ready. - Okay.

- [slurping] Mm, mm-mm-mm.

[camera beeps]

- [overemphasized accent] Well, hello there, stranger.

Although Im hardly a stranger since I live here.

- Oh, my God, youre Alisons sister.

- I am more than Alisons sister.

Im also her care taker,

and her avenger.

- I had no idea.

JULIE: No idea about what, I wonder?

That she has a sister named Heather

who loves her with all her heart?

- Okay, thank you very much.

[camera beeps] - You should feel very proud

of yourself. - Mm-hmm.

- I do.

- Oh. - Oh.

- Okay, good-bye now. [laughs]

- Was she retar-- - Oh, we dont

use that word anymore. - [grunts]

- But, yes, I think so.

- Aw, she tried so hard to sound out all the words.

- Gods simple angel.

- Ugh, I thought she had a full face,

but I didnt know if it was like Corky full.

- The part wasnt even written for someone mentally disabled.

- I know, and she has her little disability doggies.

I could cry.

If Eds leaving me for Shane hadnt left me so numb.

- My feet are numb. - Ugh, we should see

if they cant write her in a little part.

I mean, wouldnt it be nice to have

a disabled person on an episode?

And wouldnt it be nice if you didnt keep marrying

your gay father over and over again,

waiting for him to leave you? Ha!

[inhales] Whos our next actress?

[car horn honks]

- [groans]

Ugh.

No, stop bringing me things I dont want.

Fuck you. Fuck you.

Bad dogs. [groans]

[groans]

Arthur?

Arthur! JULIE: Its okay.

Nobody panic. Everythings fine.

- Julie, what the fuck is happening?

- Wh-- - Wh--what are you--

whats on your face? - Oh.

I forgot I was wearing my sleep apnea mask.

- Whats he doing?

- Oh, yeah, he does this.

Arthur sleep-cooks sometimes when hes angry.

- Sleep-cooking? JULIE: Oh, my God, look.

The dogs are bringing you their toys.

- Yeah, they keep bringing me

little things I dont want over and over again.

Its like a fucking Dim Sum restaurant in here.

How do I make it stop? - Oh, it doesnt stop,

but the good news is, it means that they like you

or theyre protecting me. Im not sure.

Either way, its gonna happen all night.

- [groans] God, what is he doing?

He must be really angry. - I told him today

I didnt want to be domestic partners.

Oh, shit, hold on. - [groans]

- No, no, no. Nope, Arthur, come with me.

Preston Sturges is in the bedroom.

- Oh. - He wants to talk to you

about making another movie.

- Is Barbara Stanwyck available?

JULIE: I think shes under contract at the studio.

- Barbara Stanwyck is dead!

[mellow rock music]

More coffee, Marilyn? - No, honey,

but you look like you could use some.

[inhales] No offense,

but with your puffy eyes and pale skin,

you look a little like Julie.

- Yeah, I got kicked out of my building for a few nights,

ended up having to crash at Julies.

- Oh, that filthy den of drink and dogs?

I dont think so.

Why dont you come stay with me?

- Oh, no, I couldnt do that. - Oh, nonsense.

Oh, you could stay in Julies old room.

I just use it to store all my old "maybe" shoes.

- Holy shit! I got the part...

- [screams] - In "Tryst."

Well, not the part, but a part. [laughs]

- Finally, something.

- The casting director said I was so special,

they wrote a role just for me, but heres the thing,

Im actually kind of freaked out

because doing that accent I did in the audition

was harder than I thought.

Im just worried that now that I have the part

Im gonna do my Australian accent when Im not on camera

and my Australian-pretend- to-be-American accent on camera

and Im just gonna fuck up and give myself away.

- Not even Cate Blanchett could keep track of that.

- Ill stay in character the whole time.

- Oh, yeah, perfect. Ow.

[groaning] - Oh, Billy.

Your neck. Is that from my couch?

You didnt sleep at all last night,

did you? - That is true,

and that is why hes staying with me.

- [mouthing] - Julie, I love you,

but between the clinging and clanging of pots and pans

and the incessant howling all night,

it was like listening to Rachel Ray have an orgasm.

I need to get some sleep.

- Thats right and you will.

See you at home, roomie.

[lilting music]

- Isnt this a treat? - Mm-hmm.

I hope Julie doesnt mind Im wearing her pajamas.

- Im sure itll be fine, but, wow,

a sweat suit my daughter wore when she was 12

fits an adult male in his 20s.

- You think I look like Im in my 20s, really?

- 28 tops. We could be siblings.

How was the shower? - Oh, my God, it was amazing.

I forget what actual water pressure feels like.

- Mm-hmm, because I had Julies father take the water regulators

off the shower heads. Kiss my ass, environment.

I need my me time. - I totally agree.

- Right? - I mean, I dont give a shit

that theres a drought in California.

We live in New York. If Katy Perry wants

a sip of water so badly, she should move.

- [laughs] I love having you here.

[drum flourish]

- Shit.

[rehearsing accents] Hello, hello,

hello... hello!

- Hi, Julie, do you remember me?

- [overemphasized accent] The casting director!

Im so happy to be here.

- Well, Im just here to make sure that you get settled in.

Plus, ever since my sponsor committed suicide

Ill take any reason to get out of the house.

[laughs weakly] Why does everybody die?

[forced laugh] Anyway, what can I get for you?

- Well, Id never say not to cake

or an appetizer from my favorite eatery,

Outback Steakhouse.

- That is adorable. [both laugh softly]

Everybody, this is our special guest,

Julie.

- Welcome, Julie.

- Wow, for people who work at Showtime,

you sure are a bunch of happy campers.

- She has no filter.

- Well, she can only speak from the heart,

but watch the mood swings.

[rock music]

[door opens] [cell phone chimes]

- Marilyn-- - Mine is an open-door home.

What are you doing in here alone?

And before you can lie,

know that I can see everything in that mirror.

I had Julies father install that mirror

when she was journaling about me.

Taught myself how to read backwards.

She said some really nasty things.

Anyway, there are no secrets in this house.

- Its not a secret.

- Mm-hmm. You sound just like Julie

when I used to catch her stress-eating candy

she used to hide behind that headboard.

- All right, you caught me.

I was on Tinder.

- So, trolling online for some strange?

- I guess you could say that.

Although the truth is I probably fit in in this house

more than I fit in on here.

Its all about what group you fit into.

Just bears and otters and-- - And jackals, oh, my.

- You know about jackals? - Yeah.

They used to be called hyenas, and then there was

some consensus about not wanting to muddy the association

with Whoopi Goldbergs role in "The Lion King."

- Oh, that makes sense.

- I treat a lot of gay men in my practice.

Thats all they can talk about.

Well, that and how Ryan Murphy even managed to ruin

Matt Bomers ass and Lady Gaga.

- Well, with Lady Gaga, she didnt need much of a push.

- [laughs] You know what?

I think all those men are jealous of you.

- Oh, yeah, thats it. All these 20-somethings

with eight-packs and perfect teeth,

they are dying to be me, thats it, thats the problem.

- Well, you know what the truth is?

You dont have to fit in with anyone,

because you have me.

Come downstairs, and lets put on some VHS tapes

of old "Jenny Jones Shows," and then we can laugh at her hair

and dumb questions.

Come on.

Well make smores and hot cocoa.

Fun!

- Ah, I feel like a Gilmore Girl.

[grunts]

- [overemphasized accent] Balloons!

Pretty balloons for sale!

- Hello there. Whats your name?

- Patches. - Well, Patches,

Ill take two balloons for two good friends

Alison and Noah.

- Balloons are good for friends.

- And cut.

Thats a wrap on Julie!

[all applauding]

- Ill take those.

- Great work, Julie. Heres a present.

- "Patches"?

- And this.

- Oh.

[all applauding]

♪ ♪

- Knock knock. - Whos there?

- Julie, my name is Abby and I work for Showtime.

- Nobodys perfect. - You are a pistol.

Listen, I never come to set to meet actresses

ever since Claire Danes threw chili at me in Islamabad.

But I had to meet you.

- Im flattered.

- Oh, God, look at that. So shiny.

- Yeah, its not chocolate, though--I checked.

- Julie, you were wonderful on our show.

To celebrate, we would all like to take you to a special dinner.

- I love dinner.

- The wonderful wisdom.

Hey, how about we take you to your favorite restaurant?

- Sure. - And...

a reporter might be at dinner.

We havent had anyone like you on our show

and we want to let the world know about our Julie!

- I only had four lines.

- And you said them all correctly,

and in more or less the right order,

so you deserve that medal.

- Yeah!

[upbeat rock music]

- Ill be right back with your drink.

- An actual smile from the demon seed.

Whats the occasion?

Did you find a prostitute willing to take your virginity

for a couple of Metro cards?

- You know, Matthew, normally Id say that when I look at you,

I think Santorum was right when he compared

gay marriage to bestiality.

But today, I am in too good of a mood.

- You do seem happier than usual.

Granted, that bar is set about as low

as the burning temperature of jet fuel.

So how can it melt steel beams?

Exactly. It cant.

- Well, I finally found a place where I belong.

- Everywhere, you entitled white cisgender male piece of shit?

- No, Julies moms house on the Upper West Side.

- Upper West Side. Ugh.

Thats like the most boring,

milquetoast neighborhood in Manhattan.

Its the Drake of zip codes.

- I dont care, because fuck the bears,

and fuck the otters, and fuck the wolves

and fuck Winnie the motherfucking Pooh!

- What do animals have to do with this?

- Oh, its just how gay men group each other into types.

Believe me, it was pretty confusing to me too

when I first stopped tapping my wifes pussy.

But you know, I caught on.

- So, whats a bear?

- A bears like a big, fat, hairy gay guy

and then an otters like a thin, hairy gay guy.

- Yeah, and a wolf is like a tall, muscular bear

who just has to fuck all the time, like me.

- Okay, so what would I be?

ALL: Black. - What?

Are you serious?

Everyone else gets a fun animal. That seems racist.

- Only cause it is.

- Well, gay or straight, you know, everybody sucks.

- Thats what she said. [laughs]

- No, she didnt say that.

- Where is my Billy? - Hi!

Did I make Julies bed wrong? - Yes.

But I came because I bought you some new clothes.

Who knows when youre gonna get back into your building?

- Marilyn! That is so sweet of you.

Its been a long time since I had a mom shop for me.

- Wont it be nice for you to wear some shirts and pants

that are more flattering to your problem areas?

- Problem areas? - Exactly.

Lets run to the little boys room,

and see what happens when you start dressing

for your age and body type.

- Hey! You brought my kitty suit!

- Yeah. I found a wrapper in one of the pockets.

Quite a blast from the past to see the old logo for Chocodiles.

- [gasps] Hello again, old friend.

- Hi, top two new bloggers.

- [laughs] Ah, that list thing never gets old.

- Why dont you settle into your workstation?

- Are you ready? - I-Ive never been--

Ill never be ready.

- Are you good? All right.

You got-- - And were on.

- Okay, all right. - Yeah.

- I have a list that might be of some interest to you.

- Another list? - Mm-hmm.

[all laugh]

- "25 Reasons We Are Permanently

Hiring Billy and Julie"! - Oh, my God!

- Yes! - Kayla, thank you so much!

- Thank you! - Of course.

- Oh, my God! - Thank you, seriously.

- Now I dont have to become domestic partners.

- And I never have to see Matthew again!

- I dont know what any of that means,

and sadly I cant stay to explore.

I have to go to a TV press event dinner tonight

and I cant decide which Peter Pan-collared baby doll dress

to shove my 46-year-old body into.

Bye. - Good luck.

Billy, a steady paycheck. Finally, a real steady paycheck.

- I know I should feel proud, but I just feel fat

and like I should apologize.

So Im sorry. And Im sorry Im fat.

- Oh, no. Shes turned you into me.

Billy, youve been Marilyned.

- No, its actually been great having a mom again.

- Well, if youre choosing a maternal figure,

I think youre making a big mistake.

She only loves her own vision of who you could be.

- But that person is so thin.

- What Marilyn gives is conditional love.

Arthurs the opposite of Marilyn.

His love is so unconditional... - He cooks in his sleep.

- He cooks in his sleep.

Shit.

I gotta hold on to him.

- Yeah, you do.

And I gotta get out of Marilyns house.

- Yeah, you do.

[upbeat rock music]

My first real acting job on TV and everyones so nice!

- So you said. - And now theyre throwing me

a dinner after Im wrapped?

- Good for you, spray cheese.

- Look, obviously youre angry about the whole

domestic partners thing.

Im not stupid, Im just insensitive.

- Are you apologizing?

- No, Im--

Im compromising.

If you want to be domestic partners,

which clearly you do,

Ill do it.

- Thank you.

Oh, but look out!

- Hot dog water.

Number 2 most disgusting thing about New York City.

- Ill be right back with your complimentary bread and shrimp.

- Yum!

Sorry Im in my kitty suit.

My party dress smells like hot dogs.

- Bless your wooden head.

- Is that the accent youve been doing?

- Yeah, why?

- It just sounds a little, mm, you know.

- Julie, whos this handsome gentleman?

- Oh, we live together.

- Like an in-home aide?

- You can say that again. [laughs]

No, Im her boyfriend.

Actually, domestic partner.

- The point is he fucks her.

- When she lets me. - [laughs]

- Every man everywhere is awful.

- Hey, guys, Id like to propose a toast,

to our little Julie.

- Cheers. - Look, Julie, they love you.

- "Little," they said.

- Julie!

Here are the new friends I told you about--

the reporters who want to meet you.

This is our mentally disabled Julie.

- Mentally disabled? - Julie?

- Its that voice you were doing.

- Wait a minute. Have you guys

only been nice to me because you think Im--

- Wait, your voice changed.

- Of course it changed.

I was pretending to be Australian

pretending to be American.

- You are a vile human being!

Stealing a job from a special needs actress?

- What are you talking about?

You guys wrote that role just for me.

And besides, it didnt say anything

in the script about her being--

- Your name was Patches and you sold balloons.

- Okay, well, now that I hear it out loud,

thats really offensive.

And its not my fault that being Australian

makes you sound special needs.

- You bitch!

Get the fuck out of my steakhouse.

[balloon pops]

- Ill miss this bed.

- I learned to masturbate in that bed.

- Ill miss this bed less.

- Holy shit, Billy, look. From Kayla.

"Buzzlists 21 Offensive Abominations

Julie Kessler Is Still Worse Than."

- Congrats! - Thanks!

- Oh, my God, you beat Jar-Jar.

- I finally arrived.

Just in time to be shown the door.

Sorry I got us fired. - Thats okay.

Heres the thing. Were destined to be stars.

Real stars, not list-makers.

Maybe the lesson in all of this is that

we cant wait for someone to label us.

- Exactly, because the moment they do,

theyll assume that youre mentally disabled.

- Yeah, or worse, nothing at all.

Im a wolf. - You are a wolf.

- Billy, hi--

Oh, of course.

Another one leaves you.

Thanks a lot and out with the garbage.

- Marilyn, thank you so much

for making me feel like I belong here,

but yeah, I gotta go.

Im just gonna stay at my brothers

until my building gives me the all-clear.

- Well, youll be back.

Ask your sister.

I mean, Julie.

- Read me another Buzzlist as Patches.

- [overemphasized accent] Certainly, friend for life.

"Number 1, hot dog water."

MAN: ♪ Oh ♪

♪ Thought itd be easy ♪

♪ Thought they didnt know ♪

♪ You thought it was the only way to go ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Another way out ♪

♪ Found on the way home ♪

♪ Thought you were living fast ♪

♪ But you were living slow ♪

♪ ♪