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1
00:00:01,303 --> 00:00:02,303
[banging on door]
2
00:00:02,304 --> 00:00:04,074
- [groans]
3
00:00:04,072 --> 00:00:06,512
All right!
4
00:00:06,509 --> 00:00:07,639
What...
5
00:00:07,643 --> 00:00:08,643
[knocking on door]
6
00:00:08,644 --> 00:00:09,954
Who is it?
7
00:00:09,945 --> 00:00:11,305
- Its Jamie Lee Curtis.
8
00:00:11,313 --> 00:00:12,723
Who do you think it is?
9
00:00:12,715 --> 00:00:15,475
- [moans]
10
00:00:15,484 --> 00:00:16,794
Hey.
- [gasps]
11
00:00:16,785 --> 00:00:19,885
Billy, thank God.
Where have you been?
12
00:00:19,890 --> 00:00:21,220
- What do you mean,
where have I been?
13
00:00:21,224 --> 00:00:23,764
I-I got a massage
and I took a nap.
14
00:00:23,760 --> 00:00:25,730
- When did you get a massage?
- Today.
15
00:00:25,729 --> 00:00:28,029
- Okay, whats today?
- Its Tuesday.
16
00:00:28,031 --> 00:00:30,531
- No, Billy, its Thursday.
- What?
17
00:00:30,534 --> 00:00:32,144
- Youve been sleeping
for three days.
18
00:00:32,135 --> 00:00:34,835
- I slept for three days?
- You slept for three days.
19
00:00:34,838 --> 00:00:37,338
- I slept for three days?
- I was so worried about you!
20
00:00:37,340 --> 00:00:40,710
- Youre worried? Im worried.
I slept for three days!
21
00:00:40,711 --> 00:00:42,481
Im gonna be one of
those people who dies,
22
00:00:42,479 --> 00:00:44,209
and then no one comes
to find you or check on you,
23
00:00:44,214 --> 00:00:45,984
until neighbors complain
about the smell!
24
00:00:45,982 --> 00:00:47,852
- Not to put a point on it,
but I dont think
25
00:00:47,851 --> 00:00:49,121
the body would start
to smell at three days.
26
00:00:49,119 --> 00:00:50,649
- What?
- Thats--I think it would
27
00:00:50,654 --> 00:00:52,224
take at least five--
- It just happened!
28
00:00:52,222 --> 00:00:53,892
- Youre never gonna be
left alone for that long.
29
00:00:53,890 --> 00:00:54,960
- I fell asleep for three days.
30
00:00:54,958 --> 00:00:56,128
No one came till just now!
31
00:00:56,126 --> 00:00:58,796
I got a massage
and I took a nap!
32
00:00:58,795 --> 00:01:01,055
- Look, I know where
this is going.
33
00:01:01,064 --> 00:01:03,074
I think you should move in
with me and Arthur.
34
00:01:03,066 --> 00:01:04,836
- No!
- Ill shave the dogs.
35
00:01:04,835 --> 00:01:07,165
- No!
Dont shave anything.
36
00:01:07,170 --> 00:01:08,940
Ugh, I need a boyfriend.
37
00:01:08,939 --> 00:01:10,509
- But you have me
and meaningless sex.
38
00:01:10,507 --> 00:01:12,107
- I know, but...
[sighs]
39
00:01:12,108 --> 00:01:14,138
you have Arthur for when
Im not around.
40
00:01:14,144 --> 00:01:17,084
I need someone for my non-Julie
hangout time.
41
00:01:17,080 --> 00:01:20,450
Someone to fucking find me
if I sleep for three days!
42
00:01:20,451 --> 00:01:23,191
And wake me up,
and if Im dead,
43
00:01:23,186 --> 00:01:25,416
put me in a cuter outfit
if need be.
44
00:01:25,422 --> 00:01:26,992
- Okay.
I get it.
45
00:01:26,990 --> 00:01:28,790
You want a boyfriend,
well get you a boyfriend.
46
00:01:28,792 --> 00:01:30,132
- Thank you.
47
00:01:30,126 --> 00:01:31,426
And I like that
Im not doing it
48
00:01:31,428 --> 00:01:33,058
because Im emotionally ready.
49
00:01:33,063 --> 00:01:34,573
- Yeah, I like that too.
- All right, lets--lets--
50
00:01:34,565 --> 00:01:36,065
- Yeah.
- Go with me to get coffee
51
00:01:36,066 --> 00:01:38,066
and catch me up
on everything thats happened.
52
00:01:38,068 --> 00:01:39,168
- Okay.
53
00:01:39,169 --> 00:01:40,869
"American Comedy Story"
got cancelled.
54
00:01:40,871 --> 00:01:43,271
- What? But Keegan made
such a good Sinbad.
55
00:01:43,273 --> 00:01:45,683
- I know.
- Oh, fucking crowds!
56
00:01:45,676 --> 00:01:47,606
- [sighs]
- Is the pope back in town?
57
00:01:47,611 --> 00:01:49,311
She just cant stay away,
can she?
58
00:01:49,312 --> 00:01:51,012
- Ugh, you know, I find
if you just shove people,
59
00:01:51,014 --> 00:01:52,884
they never know
that its intentional.
60
00:01:52,883 --> 00:01:54,653
- Lets go this way.
Here.
61
00:01:54,651 --> 00:01:57,091
Barricade.
All this construction.
62
00:01:57,087 --> 00:01:59,787
Fucking condos--how many condos
does one city need?
63
00:01:59,790 --> 00:02:01,160
- I know, right?
64
00:02:01,157 --> 00:02:02,627
Sometimes I think we should
move somewhere,
65
00:02:02,626 --> 00:02:04,796
like Boston or San Francisco.
66
00:02:04,795 --> 00:02:06,695
[laughter]
67
00:02:06,697 --> 00:02:08,567
- Thank you so much
68
00:02:08,565 --> 00:02:10,265
for empowering
this young woman today.
69
00:02:10,266 --> 00:02:11,966
- Thank you so much.
Thank you.
70
00:02:11,968 --> 00:02:13,568
Thank you!
- Huh?
71
00:02:13,570 --> 00:02:15,270
- We need more escorts like you
72
00:02:15,271 --> 00:02:16,811
who wont let any crowd
get in the way
73
00:02:16,807 --> 00:02:18,477
of reproductive freedom.
74
00:02:18,475 --> 00:02:20,835
Safe and Legal womens clinic
thanks you.
75
00:02:20,844 --> 00:02:22,754
- Huh?
- Come on in.
76
00:02:22,746 --> 00:02:24,346
- We have a whole room
full of baked goods
77
00:02:24,347 --> 00:02:25,777
just for volunteers.
78
00:02:25,782 --> 00:02:28,252
I know its a little early
for a brownie.
79
00:02:28,251 --> 00:02:29,521
- Huh?
80
00:02:29,520 --> 00:02:33,220
[driving punk rock music]
81
00:02:33,223 --> 00:02:34,833
- Well, as far as
swag bags go,
82
00:02:34,825 --> 00:02:36,525
this abortion clinic
has the right idea.
83
00:02:36,527 --> 00:02:38,397
This is $45 pomade.
84
00:02:38,395 --> 00:02:40,455
- I hope they give these
gift bags to their patients too.
85
00:02:40,464 --> 00:02:42,674
I feel like if you leave
a little something behind,
86
00:02:42,666 --> 00:02:44,296
you should take something home,
like...
87
00:02:44,300 --> 00:02:46,170
"Leave a penny, take a penny,"
you know?
88
00:02:46,169 --> 00:02:48,469
- I like doing good, especially
when its by accident.
89
00:02:48,472 --> 00:02:51,212
And you know what else: I bet
charity people dont die alone.
90
00:02:51,207 --> 00:02:53,277
- Mr. Nathan Lane!
91
00:02:53,276 --> 00:02:54,906
- Oh, I love him.
- Oh, hes a star.
92
00:02:54,911 --> 00:02:56,211
It goes without saying.
93
00:02:56,212 --> 00:02:57,782
- What charity
are you playing for?
94
00:02:57,781 --> 00:02:59,321
- Well, Im playing for
95
00:02:59,315 --> 00:03:01,545
Gods Love We Deliver
in New York City!
96
00:03:01,552 --> 00:03:03,992
- We should totally
volunteer there sometime.
97
00:03:03,987 --> 00:03:05,717
- Oh, we should do that!
98
00:03:05,722 --> 00:03:07,462
Sometime.
99
00:03:07,458 --> 00:03:09,888
- Charitys, like, a really
important part of being famous.
100
00:03:09,893 --> 00:03:12,503
- Oh, yeah, I mean,
who needs a movie or TV show
101
00:03:12,496 --> 00:03:13,926
when you have a cause?
[sniffs]
102
00:03:13,930 --> 00:03:15,600
This pomade smells like shit.
103
00:03:15,599 --> 00:03:17,199
- What if we invented a charity?
104
00:03:17,200 --> 00:03:19,100
- Like Dan Savage did
with It Gets Better.
105
00:03:19,102 --> 00:03:21,042
I think he invented that
with his hot husband.
106
00:03:21,037 --> 00:03:22,667
Maybe if I invent a charity,
Ill get
107
00:03:22,673 --> 00:03:24,113
a hot husband--
maybe his.
108
00:03:24,107 --> 00:03:25,907
- That is a brilliant example
109
00:03:25,909 --> 00:03:28,139
because Billy,
he has a fucking TV show now.
110
00:03:28,144 --> 00:03:30,814
And yes, many gay lives
were spared in the process.
111
00:03:30,814 --> 00:03:32,354
I dont know how many,
you know--
112
00:03:32,348 --> 00:03:34,418
- Well, wed have to ask...
both: Kevin Spacey.
113
00:03:34,418 --> 00:03:35,718
- Sure.
- Yeah.
114
00:03:35,719 --> 00:03:37,489
- Our cause should be sad,
but not too sad.
115
00:03:37,488 --> 00:03:40,018
- Yeah, like, it needs to have
something fun
116
00:03:40,023 --> 00:03:41,533
people can do with it.
117
00:03:41,525 --> 00:03:43,725
You know, like Ice Bucket
Challenge or something.
118
00:03:43,727 --> 00:03:45,297
- Thats it.
That is brilliant.
119
00:03:45,295 --> 00:03:48,025
We need to do our version
of the Ice Bucket Challenge.
120
00:03:48,031 --> 00:03:50,131
We can tag celebrities!
- Yes!
121
00:03:50,133 --> 00:03:52,973
- Slam your bare breast
in a refrigerator door.
122
00:03:52,969 --> 00:03:56,309
Im tagging you, Regina King!
Ow!
123
00:03:56,306 --> 00:03:58,436
- Scotch tape your wrists
together and pick up
124
00:03:58,442 --> 00:04:00,782
a slice of ham with your teeth.
125
00:04:00,777 --> 00:04:02,777
[playful music]
126
00:04:02,779 --> 00:04:06,019
I nominate you,
Barbra Streisand.
127
00:04:06,016 --> 00:04:08,846
- Put your foot in a hot
toaster, William H. Macy!
128
00:04:08,852 --> 00:04:10,622
- Stand in a bathtub
and hit yourself
129
00:04:10,621 --> 00:04:11,861
with a frying pan.
130
00:04:11,855 --> 00:04:14,055
Dont let us down,
Don Henley!
131
00:04:14,057 --> 00:04:17,427
- Make out with a garbage can,
Tea Leoni.
132
00:04:17,428 --> 00:04:18,758
♪ ♪
133
00:04:18,762 --> 00:04:20,332
[sighs]
134
00:04:20,330 --> 00:04:22,170
I am exhausted.
135
00:04:22,165 --> 00:04:25,065
And we still dont have a cause
or a cute video idea.
136
00:04:25,068 --> 00:04:26,698
- But we do have the desire
to get famous
137
00:04:26,703 --> 00:04:28,373
and a husband by helping people,
138
00:04:28,371 --> 00:04:30,311
and thats what its all about.
139
00:04:30,306 --> 00:04:32,036
- Well, the hokey pokey
is what its all about,
140
00:04:32,042 --> 00:04:34,042
but I dont have time to get
into that right now.
141
00:04:34,044 --> 00:04:35,684
I have a date night with Arthur.
142
00:04:35,679 --> 00:04:38,749
Speaking of charity, I let him
pick the movie once a year.
143
00:04:38,749 --> 00:04:40,979
- Honestly, that is so generous.
144
00:04:40,984 --> 00:04:42,324
If I have a fictional husband,
145
00:04:42,318 --> 00:04:44,288
I would never let him
pick the movie.
146
00:04:44,287 --> 00:04:46,617
And hes gonna find me
dead one day.
147
00:04:46,623 --> 00:04:48,323
[upbeat music]
148
00:04:48,324 --> 00:04:50,934
- Jesus Christ, Arthur.
I know its date night,
149
00:04:50,927 --> 00:04:52,657
I know youre allowed
to choose the movie,
150
00:04:52,663 --> 00:04:54,163
but this place?
Really?
151
00:04:54,164 --> 00:04:56,034
I fucking hate this place.
152
00:04:56,032 --> 00:04:59,542
These stupid armrests are like
the size of breadsticks.
153
00:04:59,536 --> 00:05:02,066
I cant fit my arms
on these things.
154
00:05:02,072 --> 00:05:04,412
I need space.
- Oh, well, speaking of space--
155
00:05:04,408 --> 00:05:06,938
- No, Im not moving
into that apartment, okay?
156
00:05:06,943 --> 00:05:08,883
I cant live near Central Park.
157
00:05:08,879 --> 00:05:09,979
Im too punk rock.
158
00:05:09,980 --> 00:05:11,180
- Says the woman whos seen
159
00:05:11,181 --> 00:05:12,721
Barbara Eden in concert
four times.
160
00:05:12,716 --> 00:05:14,486
- You never know what youre
gonna get with her!
161
00:05:14,485 --> 00:05:16,615
- Its more space,
its dog-friendly,
162
00:05:16,620 --> 00:05:18,290
and rent-controlled.
163
00:05:18,288 --> 00:05:20,058
This apartment becoming
available has been
164
00:05:20,056 --> 00:05:21,926
the only upside to Gwen Ifill
suddenly
165
00:05:21,925 --> 00:05:23,325
and mysteriously
fleeing the country.
166
00:05:23,326 --> 00:05:25,526
- Arthur, Im at
a revival house, okay?
167
00:05:25,529 --> 00:05:28,029
This is the extent of
my sacrifice for you.
168
00:05:28,031 --> 00:05:29,501
- Okay, how about this?
169
00:05:29,500 --> 00:05:31,500
You dont have to do
any moving yourself.
170
00:05:31,502 --> 00:05:34,912
And Ill let you get
a third dog.
171
00:05:34,905 --> 00:05:37,405
- Third dog, two cats, and the
animals get the second bedroom.
172
00:05:37,408 --> 00:05:39,038
Youre not allowed
to go in there.
173
00:05:39,042 --> 00:05:41,282
- The co-op board interview
is this Saturday.
174
00:05:41,277 --> 00:05:42,547
- Fine.
175
00:05:42,546 --> 00:05:44,876
- Thank you again
for this date night.
176
00:05:44,881 --> 00:05:46,681
Ah, Ive been waiting
so long to see
177
00:05:46,683 --> 00:05:50,653
"Lorenzos Oil" again
on the big screen.
178
00:05:50,654 --> 00:05:52,694
- By the way, the answer
to that word jumble
179
00:05:52,689 --> 00:05:54,889
is Ingrid Bergman!
180
00:05:55,759 --> 00:05:57,829
- Billy!
Youre okay!
181
00:05:57,828 --> 00:06:00,058
- Hi.
Oh. Okay.
182
00:06:00,063 --> 00:06:02,133
All right, well,
hugs too long, but...
183
00:06:02,132 --> 00:06:03,472
- Hey, we thought you quit
184
00:06:03,467 --> 00:06:04,837
when you didnt show up
for three days.
185
00:06:04,835 --> 00:06:06,135
So we hired Lola.
186
00:06:06,136 --> 00:06:07,836
- Oh, quit?
No, no, no.
187
00:06:07,838 --> 00:06:10,208
I was just in
a very deep sleep.
188
00:06:10,206 --> 00:06:12,036
- Yeah, like the rest
of the country.
189
00:06:12,042 --> 00:06:14,912
Lola.
And yeah, Im trans.
190
00:06:14,911 --> 00:06:17,651
- Oh.
Okay.
191
00:06:17,648 --> 00:06:19,218
- Oh, is it "okay"?
192
00:06:19,215 --> 00:06:21,345
Mr. Biological Essentialist?
193
00:06:21,351 --> 00:06:24,351
Do I have your cis-gendered
permission to be who I am?
194
00:06:24,354 --> 00:06:26,464
And you know what else?
Bush did 9/11
195
00:06:26,457 --> 00:06:28,487
and jet fuel cant
melt steel beams.
196
00:06:28,492 --> 00:06:29,932
- Well, now seems
as good a time as any
197
00:06:29,926 --> 00:06:31,356
to have that conversation.
198
00:06:31,361 --> 00:06:33,261
- Yeah, Im a trans truther,
motherfucker.
199
00:06:33,263 --> 00:06:34,833
Denise tells me
youre a comedian.
200
00:06:34,831 --> 00:06:36,331
Got any jokes about me?
201
00:06:36,332 --> 00:06:38,672
- No, no, no.
No, I do not.
202
00:06:38,669 --> 00:06:40,699
Please dont protest me.
Im an ally.
203
00:06:40,704 --> 00:06:43,274
I know Jeffrey Tambors niece.
[laughter]
204
00:06:43,273 --> 00:06:45,213
- Shit, Billys still alive?
205
00:06:45,208 --> 00:06:47,238
- Oh, fuck.
Ah, well.
206
00:06:47,243 --> 00:06:49,413
Dont bring around a cloud
to rain on my love parade.
207
00:06:49,413 --> 00:06:51,253
Tell them the news, Denise.
- You tell them.
208
00:06:51,247 --> 00:06:52,617
- No, you.
- Me? Okay.
209
00:06:52,616 --> 00:06:54,886
Matthews engaged!
- Im engaged!
210
00:06:54,885 --> 00:06:56,715
- Hey!
- Im engaged!
211
00:06:56,720 --> 00:06:59,560
- Youre getting married?
Jesus fucking Christ.
212
00:06:59,556 --> 00:07:02,626
- Personally, I share Caitlyn
Jenners views on gay marriage.
213
00:07:02,626 --> 00:07:04,856
- Like Caitlyn Jenner,
Im gonna die alone
214
00:07:04,861 --> 00:07:06,761
surrounded by
old Wheaties boxes.
215
00:07:06,763 --> 00:07:09,503
I cant take this anymore.
Somethings gotta give.
216
00:07:09,500 --> 00:07:11,640
- Oh, like that
Nancy Meyers movie.
217
00:07:11,635 --> 00:07:13,465
You know, that is the only
truthful depiction
218
00:07:13,470 --> 00:07:15,470
of the creative process
Ive ever seen?
219
00:07:15,472 --> 00:07:17,872
- I mean, who among us has never
cried over a typewriter
220
00:07:17,874 --> 00:07:21,044
in the Hamptons while wearing
summer layered whites?
221
00:07:21,044 --> 00:07:22,754
- Mm.
- I have to do something bold.
222
00:07:22,746 --> 00:07:24,616
I need to take risks.
223
00:07:24,615 --> 00:07:25,975
Im gonna ask out
the next person
224
00:07:25,982 --> 00:07:29,122
that comes through that door.
225
00:07:30,721 --> 00:07:33,921
Well, the next man that
walks through that door.
226
00:07:35,258 --> 00:07:38,188
Well, the next gay man who
comes through that door.
227
00:07:38,194 --> 00:07:42,204
Whos hot, and, you know,
my type.
228
00:07:43,734 --> 00:07:45,604
No.
229
00:07:45,602 --> 00:07:48,002
Nooo.
230
00:07:48,004 --> 00:07:49,774
Holy shit.
231
00:07:49,773 --> 00:07:51,243
Its fate.
232
00:07:51,241 --> 00:07:53,211
Hey.
Uh, sorry.
233
00:07:53,209 --> 00:07:55,109
I never do this.
Im Billy.
234
00:07:55,111 --> 00:07:56,981
Would you want
to go out sometime?
235
00:07:56,980 --> 00:07:59,020
- Better make that
a table for three.
236
00:07:59,015 --> 00:08:02,115
- Oh, shit, Im sorry.
- No, no, no.
237
00:08:02,118 --> 00:08:04,148
Were not dating.
238
00:08:04,154 --> 00:08:07,064
Im his interpreter.
239
00:08:07,057 --> 00:08:09,657
Uh, this is Doug.
240
00:08:09,660 --> 00:08:12,260
Hes deaf.
241
00:08:12,262 --> 00:08:14,502
And he says yes to dinner.
242
00:08:14,498 --> 00:08:17,698
[rock music]
243
00:08:17,701 --> 00:08:20,301
- Jesus, Mom.
This place is a mess.
244
00:08:20,303 --> 00:08:22,213
I thought we had another
good five years
245
00:08:22,205 --> 00:08:24,135
before we became
Big and Little Edie.
246
00:08:24,140 --> 00:08:26,010
- Well, Esmereldas working now
247
00:08:26,009 --> 00:08:29,079
for Aunt Bonnie,
that traitorous bitch.
248
00:08:29,079 --> 00:08:31,209
Now I have to find
a new housekeeper.
249
00:08:31,214 --> 00:08:33,254
Got to buy a metro card,
take the A line
250
00:08:33,249 --> 00:08:34,549
all the way to the end.
251
00:08:34,551 --> 00:08:35,991
- Thats how you found
Esmerelda?
252
00:08:35,986 --> 00:08:38,016
- Yes, I got off at 207th street
253
00:08:38,021 --> 00:08:40,261
and then I grabbed the
friendliest face I could find,
254
00:08:40,256 --> 00:08:42,256
but now with DeBlasio,
who knows!
255
00:08:42,258 --> 00:08:43,828
Inwood could be all condos.
256
00:08:43,827 --> 00:08:46,497
- Im sorry about
your terrible problem,
257
00:08:46,497 --> 00:08:48,227
but Arthur and I are applying
258
00:08:48,231 --> 00:08:50,031
for a new apartment,
and I need I. D.
259
00:08:50,033 --> 00:08:51,573
Do you have my birth certificate
anywhere?
260
00:08:51,568 --> 00:08:53,838
- I dont know, honey.
Look in the coupon folder.
261
00:08:53,837 --> 00:08:55,907
Look at me,
with my hand in the toilet,
262
00:08:55,906 --> 00:08:58,636
like some fool.
263
00:08:58,642 --> 00:09:01,342
- Oh, my God!
Thats it!
264
00:09:01,344 --> 00:09:05,124
Its visual, its humiliating--
its perfect.
265
00:09:05,115 --> 00:09:06,715
- What is perfect?
266
00:09:06,717 --> 00:09:07,877
[phone vibrating]
267
00:09:07,884 --> 00:09:09,194
- Im gonna take this so that
268
00:09:09,185 --> 00:09:10,845
you know what youre
getting into.
269
00:09:10,854 --> 00:09:12,394
Sorry.
270
00:09:12,389 --> 00:09:14,689
Hey.
- Billy! I figured it out.
271
00:09:14,691 --> 00:09:17,231
What if we got people
to send in videos
272
00:09:17,227 --> 00:09:20,827
of themselves sticking
one hand in the toilet?
273
00:09:20,831 --> 00:09:22,601
- Yes.
But no gloves.
274
00:09:22,599 --> 00:09:25,339
- And their right hand because
its the right thing to do.
275
00:09:25,335 --> 00:09:27,165
- I love it.
- Watch out!
276
00:09:27,170 --> 00:09:28,340
The Toilet Hand Challenge
277
00:09:28,338 --> 00:09:30,638
is about to take America
by storm.
278
00:09:30,641 --> 00:09:32,581
- What did I raise?
279
00:09:32,576 --> 00:09:33,736
- Im so sorry.
280
00:09:33,744 --> 00:09:36,414
Im like crazy into
charity right now.
281
00:09:36,413 --> 00:09:38,453
So is the proper protocol
282
00:09:38,449 --> 00:09:40,419
on a first date with a deaf guy
283
00:09:40,417 --> 00:09:42,987
that I pay for you
and your interpreter,
284
00:09:42,986 --> 00:09:45,686
or just...
285
00:09:46,757 --> 00:09:48,657
- Youre really funny.
286
00:09:48,659 --> 00:09:51,659
Most hot guys dont have
a good personality.
287
00:09:51,662 --> 00:09:53,902
- Well, Id say the same thing
about deaf guys,
288
00:09:53,897 --> 00:09:57,627
but youre my first.
289
00:09:59,703 --> 00:10:01,713
- I really like you.
290
00:10:01,705 --> 00:10:05,275
- I really like you too.
291
00:10:05,275 --> 00:10:08,745
- Sorry...
- I really like you too.
292
00:10:12,516 --> 00:10:14,216
So, is the best part
about being deaf
293
00:10:14,217 --> 00:10:16,787
that you dont have to hear any
Lady Gaga/Tony Bennett duets?
294
00:10:16,787 --> 00:10:18,317
- Whoo!
Sorry, um...
295
00:10:18,321 --> 00:10:21,731
Im going to the bathroom.
296
00:10:23,594 --> 00:10:27,164
- You dont read lips, right?
297
00:10:27,163 --> 00:10:29,073
No, of course not.
298
00:10:29,065 --> 00:10:31,635
Thats just a silly device
they use on TV shows
299
00:10:31,635 --> 00:10:34,135
to make it easier on viewers.
300
00:10:34,137 --> 00:10:37,407
Like a character
talking to himself.
301
00:10:37,408 --> 00:10:39,508
- So you got cockblocked?
- Yes.
302
00:10:39,510 --> 00:10:41,510
And who knows what Mickeys
telling Doug about me.
303
00:10:41,512 --> 00:10:43,882
He could be representing me
as a mediocre wit,
304
00:10:43,880 --> 00:10:46,850
or racist, or someone who
watches "Dr. Who."
305
00:10:46,850 --> 00:10:48,390
- Ugh.
Okay, meanwhile,
306
00:10:48,385 --> 00:10:50,015
lets focus on our careers.
307
00:10:50,020 --> 00:10:52,420
What are we gonna do to launch
the Toilet Hand Challenge?
308
00:10:52,423 --> 00:10:54,393
- No, I dont want to do
"Kinky Boots."
309
00:10:54,391 --> 00:10:57,291
Oh, look at these beautiful
Bassets.
310
00:10:57,293 --> 00:10:59,603
Hi, there.
- Nathan Lane?
311
00:10:59,596 --> 00:11:01,666
- No fucking way.
- Yes fucking way.
312
00:11:01,665 --> 00:11:04,365
- Oh, my God. This is it.
This is a sign.
313
00:11:04,367 --> 00:11:07,797
Nathan, we are such huge fans.
- Crazy huge.
314
00:11:07,804 --> 00:11:10,244
- A gay guy and his best
girlfriend are huge fans.
315
00:11:10,240 --> 00:11:11,480
What are the odds?
316
00:11:11,475 --> 00:11:13,405
[forced laughter]
317
00:11:13,410 --> 00:11:16,910
- Um, I have to ask you
something so stupid.
318
00:11:16,913 --> 00:11:18,423
- Would you be interested
319
00:11:18,415 --> 00:11:20,545
in participating
in a charity stunt
320
00:11:20,551 --> 00:11:22,951
that picks up where the
Ice Bucket Challenge left off?
321
00:11:22,953 --> 00:11:25,393
- Oh, boy.
Will I get to be on YouTube?
322
00:11:25,389 --> 00:11:28,219
Mama, my dreams are comin true!
[laughter]
323
00:11:28,224 --> 00:11:29,594
And where do the profits go?
324
00:11:29,593 --> 00:11:30,793
- The--
- Home--food--
325
00:11:30,794 --> 00:11:32,364
- Gods--
- AIDS--
326
00:11:32,362 --> 00:11:33,702
- Deed--
- Love--
327
00:11:33,697 --> 00:11:35,597
- The Gods delivery service.
- Wait.
328
00:11:35,599 --> 00:11:37,329
Gods Love We Deliver?
both: Yes!
329
00:11:37,333 --> 00:11:40,243
Oh, well thats my charity.
I just dropped off a check.
330
00:11:40,236 --> 00:11:42,166
- Its ours too.
We love God.
331
00:11:42,172 --> 00:11:44,242
- We love food delivery.
332
00:11:44,240 --> 00:11:46,610
- Great.
- So, Nathan Lane,
333
00:11:46,610 --> 00:11:49,050
will you go with us
to a public restroom
334
00:11:49,045 --> 00:11:50,375
and record a video?
335
00:11:50,381 --> 00:11:51,721
- For charity?
Of course I will.
336
00:11:51,715 --> 00:11:52,645
all: Yeah!
337
00:11:56,520 --> 00:11:58,620
- So, uh, what do I say?
338
00:11:58,622 --> 00:12:00,992
- "Im Nathan Lane"--
- Yeah, I got that part.
339
00:12:00,991 --> 00:12:02,731
- And this is for
the Toilet Hand Challenge.
340
00:12:02,726 --> 00:12:04,896
- Yeah, and then you stick
your right hand in the toilet.
341
00:12:04,895 --> 00:12:06,495
- Because its
the right thing to do.
342
00:12:06,497 --> 00:12:08,427
- And after that,
you challenge five of your
343
00:12:08,432 --> 00:12:10,332
most famous friends
to do the same thing.
344
00:12:10,333 --> 00:12:12,343
And please aim high, okay?
345
00:12:12,335 --> 00:12:14,195
No Paul Reiser,
Jesse Tyler Ferguson bullshit.
346
00:12:14,204 --> 00:12:15,444
- Oh, thats a good point.
347
00:12:15,439 --> 00:12:17,539
- You were a lot nicer
in the park.
348
00:12:17,541 --> 00:12:20,141
Um... oh, explain to me again:
349
00:12:20,143 --> 00:12:21,853
how does this make money?
350
00:12:21,845 --> 00:12:23,345
both: We told you.
351
00:12:23,346 --> 00:12:26,176
- Its for God delivery.
- It is for food.
352
00:12:26,182 --> 00:12:27,182
- [sighs]
353
00:12:27,183 --> 00:12:29,993
- And... action.
354
00:12:32,055 --> 00:12:34,315
- [sighs]
355
00:12:34,324 --> 00:12:37,434
Hello.
Im Nathan Lane.
356
00:12:37,428 --> 00:12:39,058
And--actually, cut.
Cut.
357
00:12:39,062 --> 00:12:41,672
- Sorry, is there a problem?
- Do you need a line reading?
358
00:12:41,665 --> 00:12:43,365
- No, I dont need
a fucking line reading.
359
00:12:43,366 --> 00:12:44,996
This doesnt make
any fucking sense.
360
00:12:45,001 --> 00:12:47,171
I followed two strangers
into a public toilet,
361
00:12:47,170 --> 00:12:49,910
and based on personal history,
thats never worked out.
362
00:12:49,906 --> 00:12:52,606
Plus, Im starting to feel sick,
and my hand is going numb.
363
00:12:52,609 --> 00:12:54,479
- But... its for charity, so...
364
00:12:54,478 --> 00:12:55,908
- So maybe you should
be less selfish?
365
00:12:55,912 --> 00:12:57,612
- Maybe think about the charity.
- I know.
366
00:12:57,614 --> 00:12:59,384
Ill send a check.
Listen.
367
00:12:59,383 --> 00:13:00,583
Youll have to excuse me.
368
00:13:00,584 --> 00:13:02,054
My husband is waiting for me
at home.
369
00:13:02,052 --> 00:13:03,552
- What about the fact that
I dont have
370
00:13:03,554 --> 00:13:05,094
anyone at home waiting for me?
- Yeah.
371
00:13:05,088 --> 00:13:06,618
- I need you to do this so that
I can have someone
372
00:13:06,623 --> 00:13:07,923
at home waiting for me.
373
00:13:07,924 --> 00:13:09,664
- Thats not my problem.
- That was rude.
374
00:13:09,660 --> 00:13:11,090
You shouldnt have mentioned
your husband.
375
00:13:11,094 --> 00:13:12,734
Billy doesnt have a husband.
- That was rude.
376
00:13:12,729 --> 00:13:15,029
- You people are not
seeming to understand
377
00:13:15,031 --> 00:13:16,601
my point of view--I--
378
00:13:16,600 --> 00:13:18,600
we dont know each other.
Were not friends.
379
00:13:18,602 --> 00:13:20,672
- It must be crazy that this
isnt about you.
380
00:13:20,671 --> 00:13:22,241
- Yeah.
- That must be a shock.
381
00:13:22,238 --> 00:13:23,808
- Thats probably why
you have a problem with it,
382
00:13:23,807 --> 00:13:26,007
is youre not the star
of the show.
383
00:13:26,009 --> 00:13:27,439
- Yeah, put your hand
in the toilet!
384
00:13:27,444 --> 00:13:28,914
- Listen, I have to go home!
385
00:13:28,912 --> 00:13:30,452
I dont want to put
my hand in the toilet!
386
00:13:30,447 --> 00:13:32,147
You put your hands
in the toilet!
387
00:13:32,148 --> 00:13:33,918
- Were not famous enough!
Thats the whole point!
388
00:13:33,917 --> 00:13:35,517
- Stick your hands
in the toilet!
389
00:13:35,519 --> 00:13:37,349
- Im not putting my hand
in the toilet!
390
00:13:37,353 --> 00:13:38,723
Im filming!
- Were not famous!
391
00:13:38,722 --> 00:13:42,162
If we were famous, then--
- Ah, fuck you!
392
00:13:42,158 --> 00:13:43,628
- What an asshole.
393
00:13:43,627 --> 00:13:46,627
- I saw "MouseHunt" in
the theater, you schmuck!
394
00:13:46,630 --> 00:13:48,700
- Now Cassie, you say your OCD
395
00:13:48,699 --> 00:13:50,799
was at its worst
when your husband left?
396
00:13:50,801 --> 00:13:52,441
- It got so bad
I nearly scrubbed
397
00:13:52,436 --> 00:13:54,296
the surface off our tub.
398
00:13:54,304 --> 00:13:56,274
Everything needed to be
in its place.
399
00:13:56,272 --> 00:13:58,072
- So you wouldnt just clean,
400
00:13:58,074 --> 00:13:59,444
youd organize?
401
00:13:59,443 --> 00:14:00,943
- Yes--I mean, even now,
402
00:14:00,944 --> 00:14:03,314
the slightest bit of disarray
just eats away at me
403
00:14:03,313 --> 00:14:05,723
until I... fix it.
404
00:14:05,716 --> 00:14:09,086
- That sounds very painful,
but I have an idea.
405
00:14:09,085 --> 00:14:12,315
Cassie, I think it would be
very beneficial
406
00:14:12,322 --> 00:14:15,132
to see your obsessive-compulsive
407
00:14:15,125 --> 00:14:18,695
cleaning behavior in action.
408
00:14:18,695 --> 00:14:20,255
- And this is therapeutic?
409
00:14:20,263 --> 00:14:21,503
- Absolutely.
410
00:14:21,498 --> 00:14:23,128
Now, why dont we
move our session
411
00:14:23,133 --> 00:14:25,473
into the kitchen,
and why dont you
412
00:14:25,469 --> 00:14:28,099
give those cabinets
a real once-over?
413
00:14:28,104 --> 00:14:31,214
I think youre gonna feel
a lot better.
414
00:14:31,207 --> 00:14:32,577
- Huh.
415
00:14:32,576 --> 00:14:34,406
- I agreed to go to this
co-op board interview,
416
00:14:34,411 --> 00:14:36,181
but I did not agree
to walk through
417
00:14:36,179 --> 00:14:37,579
Central Park to get there.
418
00:14:37,581 --> 00:14:39,581
- Oh, pollen count.
Its lovely out.
419
00:14:39,583 --> 00:14:42,753
- So what?
A walk without dogs is idiotic.
420
00:14:42,753 --> 00:14:44,423
"Ooh, nature."
Fuck you.
421
00:14:44,421 --> 00:14:45,861
- Okay, lets go over
a few things
422
00:14:45,856 --> 00:14:47,616
we should say and not say
at this interview.
423
00:14:47,624 --> 00:14:49,994
- I could talk about my charity.
- Yes, perfect, good.
424
00:14:49,993 --> 00:14:52,633
- And that documentary I saw
about the adult baby
425
00:14:52,629 --> 00:14:54,429
who strangled his lover
with his own diaper?
426
00:14:54,431 --> 00:14:57,131
- Oh, damn it.
I knew I forgot something.
427
00:14:57,133 --> 00:14:59,373
- The lovers safe word?
It was "Ba-ba."
428
00:14:59,369 --> 00:15:01,239
Anyway, now shes dead.
- No, the wine.
429
00:15:01,237 --> 00:15:03,237
We should bring something
at the interview.
430
00:15:03,239 --> 00:15:04,609
- Well, theres a bunch of crap.
431
00:15:04,608 --> 00:15:05,878
Why dont we just re-gift
432
00:15:05,876 --> 00:15:07,476
one of those bouquets
or something?
433
00:15:07,478 --> 00:15:08,848
Why is there
all this shit around
434
00:15:08,845 --> 00:15:10,605
the "Alice in Wonderland"
statue, anyway?
435
00:15:10,614 --> 00:15:13,454
- Uh, this is a shrine.
PBS did a "Frontline" on this.
436
00:15:13,450 --> 00:15:15,920
Its the 150th anniversary
of "Alice in Wonderland."
437
00:15:15,919 --> 00:15:17,449
- Great, well take
some of these flowers.
438
00:15:17,454 --> 00:15:18,864
- Oh, uh...
[chuckles].
439
00:15:18,855 --> 00:15:20,415
Bell sleeve,
I dont think you can--
440
00:15:20,424 --> 00:15:22,364
- Listen, this is a shrine
to a fictional character.
441
00:15:22,358 --> 00:15:23,988
This is a waste of flowers,
442
00:15:23,994 --> 00:15:26,034
and we need something
for our co-op board,
443
00:15:26,029 --> 00:15:27,899
and besides, that
Tim Burton movie was stupid.
444
00:15:27,898 --> 00:15:30,368
Helena Bonham Carters lips
were way too small.
445
00:15:30,366 --> 00:15:34,166
Lips too small,
performance way too big.
446
00:15:34,170 --> 00:15:35,510
This hurts no one.
447
00:15:35,506 --> 00:15:37,636
- O... kay.
448
00:15:40,477 --> 00:15:41,977
- Ah!
- Oh, oh!
449
00:15:41,978 --> 00:15:43,648
God, are you okay?
450
00:15:43,647 --> 00:15:45,317
- What the hell
were you thinking?
451
00:15:45,315 --> 00:15:48,485
Youre under arrest for
destruction of public property.
452
00:15:48,485 --> 00:15:50,485
- Yeah, that makes sense.
453
00:15:54,924 --> 00:15:56,694
- I cant believe with
everything Ive done
454
00:15:56,691 --> 00:15:58,061
in Central Park, youre the one
that gets arrested.
455
00:15:58,059 --> 00:15:59,989
What was the worst part?
- When they weighed me.
456
00:15:59,994 --> 00:16:01,864
But the judge was really nice.
He gave me a choice
457
00:16:01,863 --> 00:16:04,103
between community service
and jail time.
458
00:16:04,098 --> 00:16:06,798
- Mm, must be real nice
to be white.
459
00:16:06,801 --> 00:16:09,701
- So I chose service.
Im gonna teach inmates.
460
00:16:09,704 --> 00:16:11,044
I cant have a prison record
461
00:16:11,039 --> 00:16:12,639
if were gonna get
that apartment.
462
00:16:12,641 --> 00:16:13,811
- Right.
- And besides,
463
00:16:13,808 --> 00:16:15,478
Arthur pulled all those strings
464
00:16:15,477 --> 00:16:16,977
to get us another interview.
465
00:16:16,978 --> 00:16:19,308
I dont want to let him down.
466
00:16:19,313 --> 00:16:21,553
In this particular way.
467
00:16:21,550 --> 00:16:23,520
For a second time.
468
00:16:23,518 --> 00:16:25,048
In the same week.
469
00:16:25,053 --> 00:16:27,363
- Matthew, Elmer,
its time to pick food
470
00:16:27,355 --> 00:16:29,485
for your engagement party--
471
00:16:29,491 --> 00:16:31,031
would you look at these two?
472
00:16:31,025 --> 00:16:33,395
Hey, save some
for your wedding night,
473
00:16:33,395 --> 00:16:34,955
you crazy kids!
474
00:16:34,963 --> 00:16:36,603
All right, now here you go.
475
00:16:36,598 --> 00:16:40,438
- Daddy, were going to gum food
for our engagement party.
476
00:16:40,435 --> 00:16:42,935
- The first airplane goes
"zoom,
477
00:16:42,937 --> 00:16:45,037
zoom"!
478
00:16:45,039 --> 00:16:46,339
- Mm!
479
00:16:46,340 --> 00:16:48,480
- And now the second airplane!
480
00:16:48,477 --> 00:16:50,777
Z--z-z-z...
481
00:16:50,779 --> 00:16:52,609
Mm!
- Yum, yum, yum, yum.
482
00:16:52,614 --> 00:16:54,784
- Third airplane goes right--
483
00:16:54,783 --> 00:16:56,283
- Into the Pentagon?
484
00:16:56,284 --> 00:16:58,554
I dont think so, bitches.
That was a missile.
485
00:16:58,553 --> 00:17:00,463
And Tower Seven was brought down
by a bomb.
486
00:17:00,455 --> 00:17:03,655
Crack a book, sheeple.
487
00:17:07,095 --> 00:17:09,025
- Doug.
Sorry for just coming over.
488
00:17:09,030 --> 00:17:12,770
I know thats a little creepy.
489
00:17:16,638 --> 00:17:18,368
WOMAN: This app says
what I write.
490
00:17:18,372 --> 00:17:19,912
And writes what you say.
491
00:17:19,908 --> 00:17:22,308
Im glad you found me, Billy.
492
00:17:22,310 --> 00:17:24,210
- Oh, wow.
493
00:17:24,212 --> 00:17:25,912
This is really cool.
494
00:17:25,914 --> 00:17:28,324
Although it might put Mickey
out of a job.
495
00:17:28,316 --> 00:17:30,586
Speaking of, Im a little
concerned that
496
00:17:30,585 --> 00:17:32,215
Mickey doesnt always tell you
497
00:17:32,220 --> 00:17:33,990
everything that I say,
498
00:17:33,988 --> 00:17:38,188
and I really want you
to like me.
499
00:17:38,192 --> 00:17:40,162
WOMAN: Lets not talk
about Mickey.
500
00:17:40,161 --> 00:17:42,631
Now can I do something
Ive been wanting to do
501
00:17:42,631 --> 00:17:45,331
since I met you?
502
00:17:45,333 --> 00:17:46,503
- Yeah.
503
00:17:46,501 --> 00:17:47,771
WOMAN: Suck my fat cock.
504
00:17:47,769 --> 00:17:50,709
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
No! No! No.
505
00:17:50,705 --> 00:17:52,505
WOMAN: Choke on it, thirsty boy.
506
00:17:52,507 --> 00:17:55,437
- [laughing]
507
00:17:55,444 --> 00:17:57,514
I cant.
I cant.
508
00:17:57,512 --> 00:17:59,052
WOMAN: Whats funny?
509
00:17:59,047 --> 00:18:01,317
- Its been a really long time
since Ive heard
510
00:18:01,315 --> 00:18:03,145
a female voice in this type
of situation.
511
00:18:03,151 --> 00:18:05,491
The whole things actually
very weird.
512
00:18:05,487 --> 00:18:06,957
WOMAN: So fucking sorry.
513
00:18:06,955 --> 00:18:09,115
I didnt mean
to inconvenience you.
514
00:18:09,123 --> 00:18:10,933
- Im so sorry.
Lets do it again.
515
00:18:10,925 --> 00:18:12,725
We can do it again.
516
00:18:12,727 --> 00:18:15,157
WOMAN: My cock doesnt need
to go slumming.
517
00:18:15,163 --> 00:18:17,573
Get out of here.
518
00:18:17,566 --> 00:18:20,536
- You want me to go?
519
00:18:20,535 --> 00:18:21,995
WOMAN: Did I stutter?
520
00:18:22,003 --> 00:18:23,043
- What?
521
00:18:23,037 --> 00:18:24,337
Cause of your phone?
522
00:18:24,338 --> 00:18:27,908
I have to go
cause of your phone?
523
00:18:27,909 --> 00:18:29,679
Fine, Ill go.
Fuck it.
524
00:18:29,678 --> 00:18:32,048
Fuck everyone.
Fuck your fucking phone.
525
00:18:32,046 --> 00:18:35,146
Fuck Steve Jobs, and fuck
Alexander Graham fucking Bell.
526
00:18:35,149 --> 00:18:36,279
I dont care.
527
00:18:36,284 --> 00:18:37,394
[door shuts]
528
00:18:37,386 --> 00:18:41,516
- Okay.
The floor is done.
529
00:18:41,523 --> 00:18:42,693
- You missed a spot.
530
00:18:42,691 --> 00:18:44,331
Well, youll be back Friday.
531
00:18:44,325 --> 00:18:46,725
Im gonna get you more refills
for the Swiffer too.
532
00:18:46,728 --> 00:18:48,398
- Actually, Dr. Kessler,
533
00:18:48,397 --> 00:18:50,027
I think our work here is done.
534
00:18:50,031 --> 00:18:51,531
- Excuse me?
- Yeah.
535
00:18:51,533 --> 00:18:53,103
At first, I was a bit skeptical
536
00:18:53,101 --> 00:18:54,801
of your treatment of my OCD.
537
00:18:54,803 --> 00:18:57,273
It was almost like the opposite
of exposure therapy.
538
00:18:57,271 --> 00:19:00,741
- Thats what it is,
its anti-exposure therapy.
539
00:19:00,742 --> 00:19:01,812
- Well, it worked.
540
00:19:01,810 --> 00:19:03,140
Im all cleaned-out.
541
00:19:03,144 --> 00:19:04,884
I dont ever want to touch
another broom
542
00:19:04,879 --> 00:19:07,579
or tidy up another pile of
coasters ever again.
543
00:19:07,582 --> 00:19:09,322
Im cured.
544
00:19:09,317 --> 00:19:11,647
- You cant stop therapy
cold turkey.
545
00:19:11,653 --> 00:19:14,163
Theres a 6-8 week
cool down period
546
00:19:14,155 --> 00:19:16,185
thats essential
for your well-being.
547
00:19:16,190 --> 00:19:18,130
- Thank you for everything,
Dr. Kessler.
548
00:19:18,126 --> 00:19:20,156
- Well, youre--
youre making a big mistake.
549
00:19:20,161 --> 00:19:24,301
A huge, huge--
could you iron my shirts?
550
00:19:29,137 --> 00:19:30,767
Esmerelda.
551
00:19:30,772 --> 00:19:33,012
Its Marilyn.
Hey.
552
00:19:33,007 --> 00:19:35,937
Whatever that fuck twat
Bonnie is paying you,
553
00:19:35,944 --> 00:19:37,354
Ill pay you more.
554
00:19:37,345 --> 00:19:40,345
Just barely more,
but please come home now.
555
00:19:40,348 --> 00:19:42,448
[surf rock music]
556
00:19:42,451 --> 00:19:43,891
- Aw, I thought I was gonna meet
557
00:19:43,885 --> 00:19:46,145
some hardened criminals
for my community service.
558
00:19:46,154 --> 00:19:48,124
- Nope.
White collar criminals only.
559
00:19:48,122 --> 00:19:50,862
- Oh, well, that explains why
Ive seen at least
560
00:19:50,859 --> 00:19:52,129
three guys from Goldman Sachs
that my mom
561
00:19:52,126 --> 00:19:53,426
used to try and set me up with.
562
00:19:53,428 --> 00:19:55,758
- So, this is our
vocational program.
563
00:19:55,764 --> 00:19:57,134
- Right, yeah, no, they told me
564
00:19:57,131 --> 00:19:58,501
I was gonna be teaching inmates
565
00:19:58,500 --> 00:19:59,830
how to write TV recaps.
566
00:19:59,834 --> 00:20:01,474
- Thats a skill you got?
Sure.
567
00:20:01,470 --> 00:20:02,870
- But just so you know,
568
00:20:02,871 --> 00:20:04,671
whether or not these are
white collar criminals,
569
00:20:04,673 --> 00:20:06,213
I am gonna sit
backwards in a chair
570
00:20:06,207 --> 00:20:07,837
like Michelle Pfeiffer
in "Dangerous Minds."
571
00:20:07,842 --> 00:20:10,452
- Knock yourself out.
- Yes!
572
00:20:10,445 --> 00:20:14,345
Remember, a recap is about
the person who writes it.
573
00:20:14,348 --> 00:20:17,218
An episode of television
isnt the subject.
574
00:20:17,218 --> 00:20:18,548
You are.
Yes?
575
00:20:18,553 --> 00:20:20,593
- Can I recap a show
thats cancelled,
576
00:20:20,589 --> 00:20:21,889
like "The Following"?
577
00:20:21,890 --> 00:20:23,090
- Yes, but make sure
that you stick it
578
00:20:23,091 --> 00:20:24,261
to Kevin Bacon if you do,
579
00:20:24,258 --> 00:20:25,988
because he works
too much lately.
580
00:20:25,994 --> 00:20:27,704
Its not his fault--
he has to take every role
581
00:20:27,696 --> 00:20:30,626
thats offered him since Bernie
Madoff robbed him, but still.
582
00:20:30,632 --> 00:20:32,102
- Bernies a real pig.
583
00:20:32,100 --> 00:20:33,500
You should see him at breakfast.
584
00:20:33,502 --> 00:20:34,772
Always takes a second milk.
585
00:20:34,769 --> 00:20:36,099
Fucking prick.
586
00:20:36,104 --> 00:20:38,674
- Wait, Bernie Madoff
is in this prison?
587
00:20:38,673 --> 00:20:39,743
- Yeah, hes my cellmate.
588
00:20:39,741 --> 00:20:40,981
- Can you get me five minutes
589
00:20:40,975 --> 00:20:42,375
with Bernie Madoff
near a toilet?
590
00:20:47,081 --> 00:20:49,151
- I have to say, I cant think
591
00:20:49,150 --> 00:20:50,950
of a better couple
for the building.
592
00:20:50,952 --> 00:20:53,092
All your background checks
are clear.
593
00:20:53,087 --> 00:20:55,257
We just have to wait for
one last board member
594
00:20:55,256 --> 00:20:56,926
to come and give his approval.
595
00:20:56,925 --> 00:20:59,485
Hes a bit under the weather--
- [coughing]
596
00:20:59,494 --> 00:21:01,864
Sorry Im so late.
597
00:21:01,863 --> 00:21:03,303
I was just...
598
00:21:03,297 --> 00:21:04,897
Oh, my God.
599
00:21:04,899 --> 00:21:06,329
Its you!
600
00:21:06,334 --> 00:21:08,944
The toilet lady!
- Im sorry.
601
00:21:08,937 --> 00:21:12,707
- She is not to be allowed
in this building!
602
00:21:12,707 --> 00:21:14,007
Youve heard of plague,
603
00:21:14,008 --> 00:21:16,038
pestilence, locusts?
604
00:21:16,044 --> 00:21:18,554
Well, then theres
this crazy bitch.
605
00:21:18,547 --> 00:21:21,917
By the way, theyre amputating
my hand on Thursday.
606
00:21:21,916 --> 00:21:23,516
- Were you a righty
or a lefty?
607
00:21:23,518 --> 00:21:25,088
- Get out of here!
608
00:21:25,086 --> 00:21:27,086
[lively rock music]
609
00:21:27,088 --> 00:21:28,658
- Everybody, everybody.
610
00:21:28,657 --> 00:21:30,087
Time for a toast.
611
00:21:30,091 --> 00:21:33,901
Marriage.
It is a wonderful partnership.
612
00:21:33,895 --> 00:21:35,895
I hope you guys are
as happy as we are.
613
00:21:35,897 --> 00:21:37,467
- May your love shine as bright
as the sun did
614
00:21:37,466 --> 00:21:40,166
on that fair September morn
when George W. Bush
615
00:21:40,168 --> 00:21:42,138
pulled off the greatest scam
in American history
616
00:21:42,136 --> 00:21:43,566
since the moon landing.
617
00:21:43,572 --> 00:21:45,342
- Wait, I want to say something.
618
00:21:45,339 --> 00:21:47,509
Before I met Omer,
619
00:21:47,509 --> 00:21:50,379
I couldnt stand
the taste of foreskin.
620
00:21:50,379 --> 00:21:52,409
I--
- Okay.
621
00:21:52,414 --> 00:21:54,184
Cheers.
- Oh!
622
00:21:54,182 --> 00:21:56,992
- Cheers everyone.
- There was more, but okay.
623
00:21:56,985 --> 00:21:58,885
BERNIE: Im Bernie Madoff,
and Im doing
624
00:21:58,887 --> 00:22:00,247
the Toilet Hand Challenge
625
00:22:00,254 --> 00:22:01,824
for the Kessler-Epstein
foundation.
626
00:22:01,823 --> 00:22:03,763
[dunking into water]
both: Ah!
627
00:22:03,758 --> 00:22:05,088
[laughter]
628
00:22:05,093 --> 00:22:06,703
- He did it! He
did it!
629
00:22:06,695 --> 00:22:08,625
- This is gonna be so huge.
630
00:22:08,630 --> 00:22:10,260
We have Americas
most famous villain
631
00:22:10,264 --> 00:22:11,604
representing our charity.
632
00:22:11,600 --> 00:22:13,600
- As soon as we upload this
to the Internet,
633
00:22:13,602 --> 00:22:15,272
you and I are gonna be
so fucking famous,
634
00:22:15,269 --> 00:22:16,669
were gonna have to wear
baseball hats
635
00:22:16,671 --> 00:22:18,041
just to get iced coffee!
636
00:22:18,039 --> 00:22:19,769
- Hey, everyone!
Shh!
637
00:22:19,774 --> 00:22:22,084
PAT: Shocking news today
from the entertainment world.
638
00:22:22,076 --> 00:22:24,606
Tony and Emmy-award-winning
actor Nathan Lane
639
00:22:24,613 --> 00:22:26,653
has died from complications
640
00:22:26,648 --> 00:22:28,148
related to a rare disease
641
00:22:28,149 --> 00:22:31,119
humans get from touching
toilet water.
642
00:22:31,119 --> 00:22:32,549
In other entertainment news,
643
00:22:32,554 --> 00:22:34,364
David Blaine is no longer
a celebrity.
644
00:22:34,355 --> 00:22:36,185
- Oh, no.
- No one can see that video.
645
00:22:36,190 --> 00:22:37,790
No one can see that video.
- No. Never.
646
00:22:37,792 --> 00:22:39,592
- Do you understand that if
people find out about this,
647
00:22:39,594 --> 00:22:41,464
we could be indicted for
murdering Nathan Lane?
648
00:22:41,463 --> 00:22:43,703
- I cant go back
to prison again!
649
00:22:43,698 --> 00:22:45,368
Although, now that I think about
it, on the bright side,
650
00:22:45,366 --> 00:22:47,566
maybe Bernie Madoff will die
of Nathan Lane disease.
651
00:22:47,569 --> 00:22:49,899
- Oh, they wont even name
the disease after us?
652
00:22:49,904 --> 00:22:51,844
- Aw!
653
00:22:51,840 --> 00:22:53,510
- Hi, Billy.
- Hi.
654
00:22:53,508 --> 00:22:55,808
- Brought you these flowers.
- Ooh, pretty deaf guy
655
00:22:55,810 --> 00:22:59,010
buys flowers at a store
instead of stealing them, oh!
656
00:22:59,013 --> 00:23:00,653
- Im not gonna
interpret that for him.
657
00:23:00,649 --> 00:23:01,649
- Fair enough.
658
00:23:01,650 --> 00:23:04,020
- We wanted to say "Thank you."
659
00:23:04,018 --> 00:23:06,918
After you told me
what Mickey did,
660
00:23:06,921 --> 00:23:08,721
we talked about it,
and decided that
661
00:23:08,723 --> 00:23:12,093
we cant really deny
our feelings for each other.
662
00:23:12,093 --> 00:23:14,903
So thank you,
and love wins.
663
00:23:14,896 --> 00:23:18,026
[laughing]
664
00:23:23,371 --> 00:23:25,311
Sorry.
665
00:23:26,808 --> 00:23:28,638
- Life is bullshit.
- I know.
666
00:23:28,643 --> 00:23:30,713
My apartments
as small as ever.
667
00:23:30,712 --> 00:23:31,952
Youre still single.
668
00:23:31,946 --> 00:23:34,046
And we killed Nathan Lane.
669
00:23:34,048 --> 00:23:36,218
- Fucking charity!
670
00:23:36,217 --> 00:23:39,417
[driving punk rock music]
671
00:23:39,421 --> 00:23:47,361
♪ ♪
48949
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