Original subtitles

[banging on door]

- [groans]

All right!

What...

[knocking on door]

Who is it?

- Its Jamie Lee Curtis.

Who do you think it is?

- [moans]

Hey. - [gasps]

Billy, thank God. Where have you been?

- What do you mean, where have I been?

I-I got a massage and I took a nap.

- When did you get a massage? - Today.

- Okay, whats today? - Its Tuesday.

- No, Billy, its Thursday. - What?

- Youve been sleeping for three days.

- I slept for three days? - You slept for three days.

- I slept for three days? - I was so worried about you!

- Youre worried? Im worried. I slept for three days!

Im gonna be one of those people who dies,

and then no one comes to find you or check on you,

until neighbors complain about the smell!

- Not to put a point on it, but I dont think

the body would start to smell at three days.

- What? - Thats--I think it would

take at least five-- - It just happened!

- Youre never gonna be left alone for that long.

- I fell asleep for three days.

No one came till just now!

I got a massage and I took a nap!

- Look, I know where this is going.

I think you should move in with me and Arthur.

- No! - Ill shave the dogs.

- No! Dont shave anything.

Ugh, I need a boyfriend.

- But you have me and meaningless sex.

- I know, but... [sighs]

you have Arthur for when Im not around.

I need someone for my non-Julie hangout time.

Someone to fucking find me if I sleep for three days!

And wake me up, and if Im dead,

put me in a cuter outfit if need be.

- Okay. I get it.

You want a boyfriend, well get you a boyfriend.

- Thank you.

And I like that Im not doing it

because Im emotionally ready.

- Yeah, I like that too. - All right, lets--lets--

- Yeah. - Go with me to get coffee

and catch me up on everything thats happened.

- Okay.

"American Comedy Story" got cancelled.

- What? But Keegan made such a good Sinbad.

- I know. - Oh, fucking crowds!

- [sighs] - Is the pope back in town?

She just cant stay away, can she?

- Ugh, you know, I find if you just shove people,

they never know that its intentional.

- Lets go this way. Here.

Barricade. All this construction.

Fucking condos--how many condos does one city need?

- I know, right?

Sometimes I think we should move somewhere,

like Boston or San Francisco.

[laughter]

- Thank you so much

for empowering this young woman today.

- Thank you so much. Thank you.

Thank you! - Huh?

- We need more escorts like you

who wont let any crowd get in the way

of reproductive freedom.

Safe and Legal womens clinic thanks you.

- Huh? - Come on in.

- We have a whole room full of baked goods

just for volunteers.

I know its a little early for a brownie.

- Huh?

[driving punk rock music]

- Well, as far as swag bags go,

this abortion clinic has the right idea.

This is $45 pomade.

- I hope they give these gift bags to their patients too.

I feel like if you leave a little something behind,

you should take something home, like...

"Leave a penny, take a penny," you know?

- I like doing good, especially when its by accident.

And you know what else: I bet charity people dont die alone.

- Mr. Nathan Lane!

- Oh, I love him. - Oh, hes a star.

It goes without saying.

- What charity are you playing for?

- Well, Im playing for

Gods Love We Deliver in New York City!

- We should totally volunteer there sometime.

- Oh, we should do that!

Sometime.

- Charitys, like, a really important part of being famous.

- Oh, yeah, I mean, who needs a movie or TV show

when you have a cause? [sniffs]

This pomade smells like shit.

- What if we invented a charity?

- Like Dan Savage did with It Gets Better.

I think he invented that with his hot husband.

Maybe if I invent a charity, Ill get

a hot husband-- maybe his.

- That is a brilliant example

because Billy, he has a fucking TV show now.

And yes, many gay lives were spared in the process.

I dont know how many, you know--

- Well, wed have to ask... both: Kevin Spacey.

- Sure. - Yeah.

- Our cause should be sad, but not too sad.

- Yeah, like, it needs to have something fun

people can do with it.

You know, like Ice Bucket Challenge or something.

- Thats it. That is brilliant.

We need to do our version of the Ice Bucket Challenge.

We can tag celebrities! - Yes!

- Slam your bare breast in a refrigerator door.

Im tagging you, Regina King! Ow!

- Scotch tape your wrists together and pick up

a slice of ham with your teeth.

[playful music]

I nominate you, Barbra Streisand.

- Put your foot in a hot toaster, William H. Macy!

- Stand in a bathtub and hit yourself

with a frying pan.

Dont let us down, Don Henley!

- Make out with a garbage can, Tea Leoni.

♪ ♪

[sighs]

I am exhausted.

And we still dont have a cause or a cute video idea.

- But we do have the desire to get famous

and a husband by helping people,

and thats what its all about.

- Well, the hokey pokey is what its all about,

but I dont have time to get into that right now.

I have a date night with Arthur.

Speaking of charity, I let him pick the movie once a year.

- Honestly, that is so generous.

If I have a fictional husband,

I would never let him pick the movie.

And hes gonna find me dead one day.

[upbeat music]

- Jesus Christ, Arthur. I know its date night,

I know youre allowed to choose the movie,

but this place? Really?

I fucking hate this place.

These stupid armrests are like the size of breadsticks.

I cant fit my arms on these things.

I need space. - Oh, well, speaking of space--

- No, Im not moving into that apartment, okay?

I cant live near Central Park.

Im too punk rock.

- Says the woman whos seen

Barbara Eden in concert four times.

- You never know what youre gonna get with her!

- Its more space, its dog-friendly,

and rent-controlled.

This apartment becoming available has been

the only upside to Gwen Ifill suddenly

and mysteriously fleeing the country.

- Arthur, Im at a revival house, okay?

This is the extent of my sacrifice for you.

- Okay, how about this?

You dont have to do any moving yourself.

And Ill let you get a third dog.

- Third dog, two cats, and the animals get the second bedroom.

Youre not allowed to go in there.

- The co-op board interview is this Saturday.

- Fine.

- Thank you again for this date night.

Ah, Ive been waiting so long to see

"Lorenzos Oil" again on the big screen.

- By the way, the answer to that word jumble

is Ingrid Bergman!

- Billy! Youre okay!

- Hi. Oh. Okay.

All right, well, hugs too long, but...

- Hey, we thought you quit

when you didnt show up for three days.

So we hired Lola.

- Oh, quit? No, no, no.

I was just in a very deep sleep.

- Yeah, like the rest of the country.

Lola. And yeah, Im trans.

- Oh. Okay.

- Oh, is it "okay"?

Mr. Biological Essentialist?

Do I have your cis-gendered permission to be who I am?

And you know what else? Bush did 9/11

and jet fuel cant melt steel beams.

- Well, now seems as good a time as any

to have that conversation.

- Yeah, Im a trans truther, motherfucker.

Denise tells me youre a comedian.

Got any jokes about me?

- No, no, no. No, I do not.

Please dont protest me. Im an ally.

I know Jeffrey Tambors niece. [laughter]

- Shit, Billys still alive?

- Oh, fuck. Ah, well.

Dont bring around a cloud to rain on my love parade.

Tell them the news, Denise. - You tell them.

- No, you. - Me? Okay.

Matthews engaged! - Im engaged!

- Hey! - Im engaged!

- Youre getting married? Jesus fucking Christ.

- Personally, I share Caitlyn Jenners views on gay marriage.

- Like Caitlyn Jenner, Im gonna die alone

surrounded by old Wheaties boxes.

I cant take this anymore. Somethings gotta give.

- Oh, like that Nancy Meyers movie.

You know, that is the only truthful depiction

of the creative process Ive ever seen?

- I mean, who among us has never cried over a typewriter

in the Hamptons while wearing summer layered whites?

- Mm. - I have to do something bold.

I need to take risks.

Im gonna ask out the next person

that comes through that door.

Well, the next man that walks through that door.

Well, the next gay man who comes through that door.

Whos hot, and, you know, my type.

No.

Nooo.

Holy shit.

Its fate.

Hey. Uh, sorry.

I never do this. Im Billy.

Would you want to go out sometime?

- Better make that a table for three.

- Oh, shit, Im sorry. - No, no, no.

Were not dating.

Im his interpreter.

Uh, this is Doug.

Hes deaf.

And he says yes to dinner.

[rock music]

- Jesus, Mom. This place is a mess.

I thought we had another good five years

before we became Big and Little Edie.

- Well, Esmereldas working now

for Aunt Bonnie, that traitorous bitch.

Now I have to find a new housekeeper.

Got to buy a metro card, take the A line

all the way to the end.

- Thats how you found Esmerelda?

- Yes, I got off at 207th street

and then I grabbed the friendliest face I could find,

but now with DeBlasio, who knows!

Inwood could be all condos.

- Im sorry about your terrible problem,

but Arthur and I are applying

for a new apartment, and I need I. D.

Do you have my birth certificate anywhere?

- I dont know, honey. Look in the coupon folder.

Look at me, with my hand in the toilet,

like some fool.

- Oh, my God! Thats it!

Its visual, its humiliating-- its perfect.

- What is perfect?

[phone vibrating]

- Im gonna take this so that

you know what youre getting into.

Sorry.

Hey. - Billy! I figured it out.

What if we got people to send in videos

of themselves sticking one hand in the toilet?

- Yes. But no gloves.

- And their right hand because its the right thing to do.

- I love it. - Watch out!

The Toilet Hand Challenge

is about to take America by storm.

- What did I raise?

- Im so sorry.

Im like crazy into charity right now.

So is the proper protocol

on a first date with a deaf guy

that I pay for you and your interpreter,

or just...

- Youre really funny.

Most hot guys dont have a good personality.

- Well, Id say the same thing about deaf guys,

but youre my first.

- I really like you.

- I really like you too.

- Sorry... - I really like you too.

So, is the best part about being deaf

that you dont have to hear any Lady Gaga/Tony Bennett duets?

- Whoo! Sorry, um...

Im going to the bathroom.

- You dont read lips, right?

No, of course not.

Thats just a silly device they use on TV shows

to make it easier on viewers.

Like a character talking to himself.

- So you got cockblocked? - Yes.

And who knows what Mickeys telling Doug about me.

He could be representing me as a mediocre wit,

or racist, or someone who watches "Dr. Who."

- Ugh. Okay, meanwhile,

lets focus on our careers.

What are we gonna do to launch the Toilet Hand Challenge?

- No, I dont want to do "Kinky Boots."

Oh, look at these beautiful Bassets.

Hi, there. - Nathan Lane?

- No fucking way. - Yes fucking way.

- Oh, my God. This is it. This is a sign.

Nathan, we are such huge fans. - Crazy huge.

- A gay guy and his best girlfriend are huge fans.

What are the odds?

[forced laughter]

- Um, I have to ask you something so stupid.

- Would you be interested

in participating in a charity stunt

that picks up where the Ice Bucket Challenge left off?

- Oh, boy. Will I get to be on YouTube?

Mama, my dreams are comin true! [laughter]

And where do the profits go?

- The-- - Home--food--

- Gods-- - AIDS--

- Deed-- - Love--

- The Gods delivery service. - Wait.

Gods Love We Deliver? both: Yes!

Oh, well thats my charity. I just dropped off a check.

- Its ours too. We love God.

- We love food delivery.

- Great. - So, Nathan Lane,

will you go with us to a public restroom

and record a video?

- For charity? Of course I will.

all: Yeah!

- So, uh, what do I say?

- "Im Nathan Lane"-- - Yeah, I got that part.

- And this is for the Toilet Hand Challenge.

- Yeah, and then you stick your right hand in the toilet.

- Because its the right thing to do.

- And after that, you challenge five of your

most famous friends to do the same thing.

And please aim high, okay?

No Paul Reiser, Jesse Tyler Ferguson bullshit.

- Oh, thats a good point.

- You were a lot nicer in the park.

Um... oh, explain to me again:

how does this make money?

both: We told you.

- Its for God delivery. - It is for food.

- [sighs]

- And... action.

- [sighs]

Hello. Im Nathan Lane.

And--actually, cut. Cut.

- Sorry, is there a problem? - Do you need a line reading?

- No, I dont need a fucking line reading.

This doesnt make any fucking sense.

I followed two strangers into a public toilet,

and based on personal history, thats never worked out.

Plus, Im starting to feel sick, and my hand is going numb.

- But... its for charity, so...

- So maybe you should be less selfish?

- Maybe think about the charity. - I know.

Ill send a check. Listen.

Youll have to excuse me.

My husband is waiting for me at home.

- What about the fact that I dont have

anyone at home waiting for me? - Yeah.

- I need you to do this so that I can have someone

at home waiting for me.

- Thats not my problem. - That was rude.

You shouldnt have mentioned your husband.

Billy doesnt have a husband. - That was rude.

- You people are not seeming to understand

my point of view--I--

we dont know each other. Were not friends.

- It must be crazy that this isnt about you.

- Yeah. - That must be a shock.

- Thats probably why you have a problem with it,

is youre not the star of the show.

- Yeah, put your hand in the toilet!

- Listen, I have to go home!

I dont want to put my hand in the toilet!

You put your hands in the toilet!

- Were not famous enough! Thats the whole point!

- Stick your hands in the toilet!

- Im not putting my hand in the toilet!

Im filming! - Were not famous!

If we were famous, then-- - Ah, fuck you!

- What an asshole.

- I saw "MouseHunt" in the theater, you schmuck!

- Now Cassie, you say your OCD

was at its worst when your husband left?

- It got so bad I nearly scrubbed

the surface off our tub.

Everything needed to be in its place.

- So you wouldnt just clean,

youd organize?

- Yes--I mean, even now,

the slightest bit of disarray just eats away at me

until I... fix it.

- That sounds very painful, but I have an idea.

Cassie, I think it would be very beneficial

to see your obsessive-compulsive

cleaning behavior in action.

- And this is therapeutic?

- Absolutely.

Now, why dont we move our session

into the kitchen, and why dont you

give those cabinets a real once-over?

I think youre gonna feel a lot better.

- Huh.

- I agreed to go to this co-op board interview,

but I did not agree to walk through

Central Park to get there.

- Oh, pollen count. Its lovely out.

- So what? A walk without dogs is idiotic.

"Ooh, nature." Fuck you.

- Okay, lets go over a few things

we should say and not say at this interview.

- I could talk about my charity. - Yes, perfect, good.

- And that documentary I saw about the adult baby

who strangled his lover with his own diaper?

- Oh, damn it. I knew I forgot something.

- The lovers safe word? It was "Ba-ba."

Anyway, now shes dead. - No, the wine.

We should bring something at the interview.

- Well, theres a bunch of crap.

Why dont we just re-gift

one of those bouquets or something?

Why is there all this shit around

the "Alice in Wonderland" statue, anyway?

- Uh, this is a shrine. PBS did a "Frontline" on this.

Its the 150th anniversary of "Alice in Wonderland."

- Great, well take some of these flowers.

- Oh, uh... [chuckles].

Bell sleeve, I dont think you can--

- Listen, this is a shrine to a fictional character.

This is a waste of flowers,

and we need something for our co-op board,

and besides, that Tim Burton movie was stupid.

Helena Bonham Carters lips were way too small.

Lips too small, performance way too big.

This hurts no one.

- O... kay.

- Ah! - Oh, oh!

God, are you okay?

- What the hell were you thinking?

Youre under arrest for destruction of public property.

- Yeah, that makes sense.

- I cant believe with everything Ive done

in Central Park, youre the one that gets arrested.

What was the worst part? - When they weighed me.

But the judge was really nice. He gave me a choice

between community service and jail time.

- Mm, must be real nice to be white.

- So I chose service. Im gonna teach inmates.

I cant have a prison record

if were gonna get that apartment.

- Right. - And besides,

Arthur pulled all those strings

to get us another interview.

I dont want to let him down.

In this particular way.

For a second time.

In the same week.

- Matthew, Elmer, its time to pick food

for your engagement party--

would you look at these two?

Hey, save some for your wedding night,

you crazy kids!

All right, now here you go.

- Daddy, were going to gum food for our engagement party.

- The first airplane goes "zoom,

zoom"!

- Mm!

- And now the second airplane!

Z--z-z-z...

Mm! - Yum, yum, yum, yum.

- Third airplane goes right--

- Into the Pentagon?

I dont think so, bitches. That was a missile.

And Tower Seven was brought down by a bomb.

Crack a book, sheeple.

- Doug. Sorry for just coming over.

I know thats a little creepy.

WOMAN: This app says what I write.

And writes what you say.

Im glad you found me, Billy.

- Oh, wow.

This is really cool.

Although it might put Mickey out of a job.

Speaking of, Im a little concerned that

Mickey doesnt always tell you

everything that I say,

and I really want you to like me.

WOMAN: Lets not talk about Mickey.

Now can I do something Ive been wanting to do

since I met you?

- Yeah.

WOMAN: Suck my fat cock.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa! No! No! No.

WOMAN: Choke on it, thirsty boy.

- [laughing]

I cant. I cant.

WOMAN: Whats funny?

- Its been a really long time since Ive heard

a female voice in this type of situation.

The whole things actually very weird.

WOMAN: So fucking sorry.

I didnt mean to inconvenience you.

- Im so sorry. Lets do it again.

We can do it again.

WOMAN: My cock doesnt need to go slumming.

Get out of here.

- You want me to go?

WOMAN: Did I stutter?

- What?

Cause of your phone?

I have to go cause of your phone?

Fine, Ill go. Fuck it.

Fuck everyone. Fuck your fucking phone.

Fuck Steve Jobs, and fuck Alexander Graham fucking Bell.

I dont care.

[door shuts]

- Okay. The floor is done.

- You missed a spot.

Well, youll be back Friday.

Im gonna get you more refills for the Swiffer too.

- Actually, Dr. Kessler,

I think our work here is done.

- Excuse me? - Yeah.

At first, I was a bit skeptical

of your treatment of my OCD.

It was almost like the opposite of exposure therapy.

- Thats what it is, its anti-exposure therapy.

- Well, it worked.

Im all cleaned-out.

I dont ever want to touch another broom

or tidy up another pile of coasters ever again.

Im cured.

- You cant stop therapy cold turkey.

Theres a 6-8 week cool down period

thats essential for your well-being.

- Thank you for everything, Dr. Kessler.

- Well, youre-- youre making a big mistake.

A huge, huge-- could you iron my shirts?

Esmerelda.

Its Marilyn. Hey.

Whatever that fuck twat Bonnie is paying you,

Ill pay you more.

Just barely more, but please come home now.

[surf rock music]

- Aw, I thought I was gonna meet

some hardened criminals for my community service.

- Nope. White collar criminals only.

- Oh, well, that explains why Ive seen at least

three guys from Goldman Sachs that my mom

used to try and set me up with.

- So, this is our vocational program.

- Right, yeah, no, they told me

I was gonna be teaching inmates

how to write TV recaps.

- Thats a skill you got? Sure.

- But just so you know,

whether or not these are white collar criminals,

I am gonna sit backwards in a chair

like Michelle Pfeiffer in "Dangerous Minds."

- Knock yourself out. - Yes!

Remember, a recap is about the person who writes it.

An episode of television isnt the subject.

You are. Yes?

- Can I recap a show thats cancelled,

like "The Following"?

- Yes, but make sure that you stick it

to Kevin Bacon if you do,

because he works too much lately.

Its not his fault-- he has to take every role

thats offered him since Bernie Madoff robbed him, but still.

- Bernies a real pig.

You should see him at breakfast.

Always takes a second milk.

Fucking prick.

- Wait, Bernie Madoff is in this prison?

- Yeah, hes my cellmate.

- Can you get me five minutes

with Bernie Madoff near a toilet?

- I have to say, I cant think

of a better couple for the building.

All your background checks are clear.

We just have to wait for one last board member

to come and give his approval.

Hes a bit under the weather-- - [coughing]

Sorry Im so late.

I was just...

Oh, my God.

Its you!

The toilet lady! - Im sorry.

- She is not to be allowed in this building!

Youve heard of plague,

pestilence, locusts?

Well, then theres this crazy bitch.

By the way, theyre amputating my hand on Thursday.

- Were you a righty or a lefty?

- Get out of here!

[lively rock music]

- Everybody, everybody.

Time for a toast.

Marriage. It is a wonderful partnership.

I hope you guys are as happy as we are.

- May your love shine as bright as the sun did

on that fair September morn when George W. Bush

pulled off the greatest scam in American history

since the moon landing.

- Wait, I want to say something.

Before I met Omer,

I couldnt stand the taste of foreskin.

I-- - Okay.

Cheers. - Oh!

- Cheers everyone. - There was more, but okay.

BERNIE: Im Bernie Madoff, and Im doing

the Toilet Hand Challenge

for the Kessler-Epstein foundation.

[dunking into water] both: Ah!

[laughter]

- He did it! He did it!

- This is gonna be so huge.

We have Americas most famous villain

representing our charity.

- As soon as we upload this to the Internet,

you and I are gonna be so fucking famous,

were gonna have to wear baseball hats

just to get iced coffee!

- Hey, everyone! Shh!

PAT: Shocking news today from the entertainment world.

Tony and Emmy-award-winning actor Nathan Lane

has died from complications

related to a rare disease

humans get from touching toilet water.

In other entertainment news,

David Blaine is no longer a celebrity.

- Oh, no. - No one can see that video.

No one can see that video. - No. Never.

- Do you understand that if people find out about this,

we could be indicted for murdering Nathan Lane?

- I cant go back to prison again!

Although, now that I think about it, on the bright side,

maybe Bernie Madoff will die of Nathan Lane disease.

- Oh, they wont even name the disease after us?

- Aw!

- Hi, Billy. - Hi.

- Brought you these flowers. - Ooh, pretty deaf guy

buys flowers at a store instead of stealing them, oh!

- Im not gonna interpret that for him.

- Fair enough.

- We wanted to say "Thank you."

After you told me what Mickey did,

we talked about it, and decided that

we cant really deny our feelings for each other.

So thank you, and love wins.

[laughing]

Sorry.

- Life is bullshit. - I know.

My apartments as small as ever.

Youre still single.

And we killed Nathan Lane.

- Fucking charity!

[driving punk rock music]

♪ ♪