Original subtitles

[upbeat rock music]

- So this is what a gym looks like.

- Yes, and this is right near my apartment.

Can you believe it? Honestly, if instead of showers,

they had the Hemsworth brothers just spitting at you

and calling you a dirty whore, itd be too good to be true.

- How many gyms have you belonged to at this point?

- Ive lost count. You know, I get a membership,

and then I hook up with a guy in the steam room,

and then we hang out, and then I realize that hes lame,

and I ghost him, and its too awkward to ever go back.

- Those loser guys are keeping you from your optimal health.

- Well, some might say its my penchant

for anonymous sex that is to blame.

I just worry that my slutty phase has gone on so long

that I literally dont know how to date.

- Mm. - Do you think Anne Hathaway

has this same conversation?

- You know, I have a theory that she was born without a clitoris.

- Mm. That explains "The Intern."

- Julie? Hi! - Ooh, hey, hi, Heather.

- Isnt this gym awesome?

- Um, Billy, do you remember Heather?

Shes another recapper. - Oh, okay.

- Not anymore. Guess who just got hired

onto the writing staff of "Horse."

- Oh, "Horse." Is that that Netflix show

about the single mom who sells heroin...

- To support her trans-childs horseback riding hobby?

- Well... - Yeah.

- Winner Best Comedy two years in a row.

- When did comedies become 30-minute dramas?

- Its such important work. - Mm.

- I cant tell you how good it feels to write TV

instead of just recapping it.

- And yet you just sort of did.

[both laugh] Howd you get the job?

- Oh, I met the creator, Lilith Feigenbaum, at synagogue,

and she invited me to join this group she belongs to,

and the rest is herstory.

Well, take care. - Thanks. Bye.

- Oh, and your "OC Reunion" recap was such goofy fun! Bye!

- Jesus Christ, Im having feelings.

I want my sundae back. - Sorry, maam, I threw it out.

- What is this, a concentration camp?

Do you at least have any vending machines

or some complimentary popcorn?

- Just a vegan smoothie bar.

- Bloom is off the rose on this dump.

- I dont understand.

What does Heather have that you dont?

- A connection to Lilith Feigenbaum.

Of course they met at synagogue.

You know that that group shes talking about is Refutz.

- Refutz. They act like its a secret.

Meanwhile everyone knows what it is.

- And they have their schmoozey Shabbat dinners,

and they all get each other entertainment jobs.

And its stupid because no ones ever asked me to join.

- Well, we have to get you invited, then.

Go to synagogue. Pray or whatever.

- Using God and religion to get a staffing job?

I mean, can I really sink that low?

[both laugh]

- All right, look, Im gonna go work out.

Tell me not to blow this gym by blowing any members.

- You can do it.

Tell me me not to eat my weight in Charleston Chews.

- You can do it.

[romantic flute music]

Oh, fuck.

Ohh, fuck.

♪ ♪

- Oh.

♪ ♪

[moans]

- [moans]

[chuckles]

♪ ♪

[driving punk rock music]

♪ ♪

- Oh. - Hey.

- We meet again. - Im Billy.

- And my names Cecil. - That was fun.

- You know, Id love to, uh,

go for another spin sometime if...

- Yeah, sure. Maybe.

- Why dont I we get dressed and well meet outside or...

- Okay. - All right.

- All right. - Very good.

- All right.

- Ah.

Ah.

- Oh. Much different with clothes.

- Ah, well. Sorry for the wait, chum.

Bup-bup-bup-bum. - Oh.

Youre an old-timey.

I read about you guys in the Sunday Styles section.

Guilty as charged.

May I interest you in a confection, good sir?

- Oh, wow, you really commit to this.

- Yeah. - [laughs]

Um...

Shit. - What are we doing?

Do you owe a sum? Are you a debtor?

- No, no, no, its just, theres a guy I used

to work out with at my old gym, and now I cant....

- Cant what? - I cant do what I always do.

Um... God, this gym is too nice not for me to give this a try.

Do you want to go to dinner tomorrow night?

- I do... very much!

- Great.

- Till then, then.

- Till then, then.

- Be well, Billy.

Up, up, and away.

And... were off!

- Oh, great, I just fucked Steamboat Willie.

[upbeat music]

- Medium-talent Jewish bitch.

- Thin Mint, stop yelling at yourself in the mirror.

It confuses the dogs. - Its not me.

Its this girl Heather I work with.

She got to quit recapping to go write for "Horse."

- "Horse"? Its a very important show.

- Whatever. So now she writes for "Horse,"

and where does that leave me? Lonely single recapper?

- Uh, noodles, couple of flags raised--

- You know what I mean. I just want to be doing more.

Im tired of watching everybody around me

ascend to stardom while I atrophy and wither.

- Are any of us really doing what we want, Vitamix?

I mean, just today, the Helena Rubenstein Foundation

got up my can about creating a sexy spin-off

of "Antiques Roadshow." - Thats disgusting.

Every antique dealer is a creep.

They always have that one back room full of racist

paraphernalia and Nazi shit. - Really?

- With just the right nod and wink,

those heirloom swappers will be showing you

swastika cufflinks on a mammy doll.

- Well, we are casting a wide net

to find sexy antique dealers,

but we might just have to end up hiring more trolls

to appraise sexy heirlooms.

- Oh, I see what youre trying to do.

Youre trying to cheer me up with your little story.

- Actually thought I was sharing a real issue

that Im trying to work through, but thats fine.

- But its not working.

Lilith Feigenbaum should have met me.

I would have been the perfect Refutz candidate.

Nobodys more Jewish than I am, Arthur.

I mean, culturally. - Ill drink to that.

- Im even making a Shiva Call tonight

with my mom, who guilted me into it.

- Who passed away?

- Oh, her tennis partner, Eileen Rosenstreitch.

She dropped dead on the court.

- Were they close? - They were, like, 4-4.

My mom swears they were about to win.

Shes fucking furious.

Mom, hi.

Im so sorry for your loss. - Thank you.

Although, technically it was a tie.

We came so close to beating those fucking Sokol twins.

Theyre like the Williams sisters

of the Sycamore Country Club,

except, you know, allowed to join.

Oh, Julie, you know what the saddest part was?

- Watching your friend die?

- Eileen didnt have a will.

The estate lawyer had to donate everything to charity.

- Im sorry, did I miss something? Why is that sad?

- It was a pro-Palestinian charity.

Eileens opal brooch is probably

now on the suit lapel of some Arafat.

I need a will, or this could wind up happening to me.

- So write a will. - I dont have a lawyer.

Ever since Star Jones stopped coming to me

for her food addiction.

- Mom, you have to stop telling me who your patients are.

- You sound just like Catherine Zeta-Jones

when I tried to help her with her bipolar two.

- Ah, yes, bipolar two, the squeakuel.

- I was thinking maybe I should buy a camera.

You know that video will thing.

Thats a thing, isnt it?

- It was in "Brewsters Millions."

I mean, I dont know if they still do it, but seems--

- Hello, Marilyn.

Very kind of you to pay respects.

- Indeed. Indeed. Thank you.

That was a beautiful eulogy, Rabbi.

This is my daughter, Julie.

- Julie, hello. - Hi.

Wow, eulogies, like the ultimate recap, huh?

Hey, Rabbi, have you heard of this group called Refutz?

- Of course. I have some Refutz people in my congregation.

They always come on Friday nights, but Im not a fan.

Its less of a spiritual group than it is for high-powered Jews

in show business to network.

- Wow, that sounds really cynical and awful.

- Mm.

- So Friday nights, then?

- I dont see a single person from Refutz.

I swear to God, if I go to synagogue

and I dont make a show business connection,

Im gonna fucking kill myself with a chain saw.

- Oh, please, then youd have to go to Home Depot.

Look, I have to go to my date soon.

- Who is this guy? - Cecil.

Although I vowed to remain as celibate as Tim Gunn,

I ended up meeting this guy in the steam room at the gym,

and then we ended up having a very lovely time

doing some very filthy things to each other.

- When Republicans are right about the things gay men do,

my heart swells.

- But, Julie, hes an old-timey.

- What?

Thats the worst of all Brooklyn trends.

- And thats a very high bar.

So now I have to add him to a list of guys

that Ive hit and quit

and somehow try to find

the last remaining gym in New York City

I havent ruined for myself, which is probably

the Curves on Staten Island.

- What if you break up with him gracefully?

Maybe you could be friends later.

- ♪ Shabbat Shalom, hey ♪

♪ Shabbat Shalom, hey ♪

- Im out. - Good luck breaking up.

- Thank you. Ill need it.

- Julie, I didnt know you went to shul.

- Im not too cool for shul.

- Hows recapping?

- Oh, you know. Same old, same old.

You watch something. You write something about it.

25 weeks later, you get a check for $6.

- Oh, meet my friends. This is Lilith.

- Lilith Feigenbaum!

You are one of my favorite top ten female showrunners.

And since theres only three of you,

youre basically my top six. - Thank you.

- Anyway, Shabbat Shalom. - Shabbat Shalom.

You know, Im just sitting here thinking about,

you know, where Im gonna go for Shabbat dinner

after this because, um...

my moms best friend died... both: Aw.

- In front of her. Yeah.

So I cant go there.

Anyway, its great meeting you.

Great seeing you.

- Wait, Lilith can Julie join us?

- Why not? Im only a 20 minute walk away.

- A 20 minute what now with whos this?

- Say, Billy, why dont you come in for a nightcap?

- Oh, you know what, Cecil?

Uh, heres the thing, and this is not easy

for me to say, so I prepared a little speech.

- Good evening, Mr. Jellford.

May I take your coat? - Hotchkiss, please,

my guest has something to say. - Certainly.

Ill just put the Veuve on ice and run your bath.

- Good man. Good man.

- Im sorry, one thing we never covered,

what do you do for a living?

- Well, I fancy acquiring and selling

little knick knacks from yesteryear,

but the majority of my money

does come from the family business.

- Which is? - Uh, Jellford?

Jellford Jelly Beans?

Theyre small, bean shaped candies

with a sweet taste-- - I know what jelly beans are.

- Well, did you know its a billion dollar industry?

Sugar is recession-proof. Just ask my two story closet.

- Oh, really?

- Now, you had a rehearsed speech of some kind to give?

- I was just gonna say, I think its sexy

that you dress like someone who could can still

get the Measles.

Way before Jenny McCarthy was even born!

- Howre you feeling, Julie?

Have you cooled off a bit since we got inside?

- [exhales sharply] Yes, thank you.

I just... remind me why we walk again?

- Its part of our Unplugged tradition

that we love to do every Shabbat at Refutz.

- Refutz? Whats that?

Im intrigued!

- Well, from Friday at sundown

to Saturday at sundown,

we put our cell phones away,

we turn off our TVs,

we walk instead of drive.

And, I have to tell you, it has made me

a much better writer.

- How does unplugging make you a better writer?

- We just like to interact with people face-to-face.

Listen, why dont you give it 24 hours?

What have you got to lose? - Well, I got to say,

usually this would be something I make fun of,

like Robin Wrights sleepwear line,

or the notion of having a core, but...

why not? Ill try it.

- And on Saturday we get back together and have another meal

where we discuss all the ideas weve been thinking about

while we were offline. Who wants to host this week?

- Oh, oh, let me! My boyfriends a great cook.

- You have a boyfriend?

[upbeat music]

- I dont understand, though.

Who turns the lights on and off?

Who turns on the television?

- Arthur. Hes my Shabbos Goy!

- I certainly am, kiddush cup.

- You remember that from Hebrew School?

The ultimate loophole.

If you need something plugged in on Shabbos,

as long as the person isnt Jewish, youre home free.

- So he just does anything you ask?

Sure, watch. Arthur, check my Twitter.

- Oh, thisll be fun.

Oh, noodles, the Wi-Fis still not working.

- Just hop on the neighbors. I use it all the time.

Theres no password. Its, um...

“HitlerHadSomeGoodIdeas." All one word, lowercase.

- Stealing a Neo-Nazis Wi-Fi is the ultimate way

to stick it to Hitler!

- Ah, speed round, someone on Twitter says,

"I had a theory you were born without a clitoris.

"Eat a bag of"--Well, it doesnt matter what he said.

Tell you what, since Im in charge of the Internet,

why dont I filter out any of the toxins

that might adversely affect your mood.

- Great. - Wow. This is the best.

He does all that, you just sit here quietly on the couch,

nursing your creative genius. - I know, right?

Arthur, Google my name only read me glowing praise.

Scrolling, scrolling.

[upbeat music]

- “Congratulations.

"You are now the owner of the Fonda 5000,

"the exclusive camera used by the Netflix series,

"Grace & Frankie.

"Sony, in collaboration with Chevrolet,

"have partnered to give a woman the best gift of all:

"her youngest self.

Step one: preparing the lenses."

Okay.

[doorbell rings]

[knock at door]

- Hi, Im Tina Fey. - And?

- Uh, Im Tina Fey, writer and actor.

"SNL," "30 Rock,"

"Mean Girls,"-- - What do you want, dear?

Well, I know you said no to the six production assistants

that I sent to ask, but Im directing an episode

of "The Blacklist," which is a dream come true,

of my agents and so I really need James Spader

to cry on the steps of your brownstone.

- Okay, I have no idea what any of that means,

but did you say you direct?

- Yeah, actually I didnt realize that I was a director

until this opportunity came up, cause, you know,

back in Chicago-- - Bap bap bap bap.

A simple "yes" would have done the trick.

Director.

Do me a small favor, Trina?

- Tina. - Tina. Tina. Tina.

- The human name, Tina. Yes.

- I wonder if you can do me a small favor, Tina,

I wonder if you can help me shoot my video will.

- Oh, Im sorry, we have a really full day.

You know, James Spader wears a 75 piece suit

and I have to approve every piece.

So, I cant help. - Isnt that something?

So, you want to use my steps, but you dont want

to help a woman who, as spry and self-lubricating as she is,

needs to videotape her will so she can drop dead

at any moment?

- Wait, is that a Fonda 5000?

- Yes, why? Do you know it?

- Uh, yeah, of course I know it.

Im kind of a gearhead. Wow, any chance youd let me

fool around with it? - Absolutely.

Can I get you coffee? Or day wine?

- Day wine! both: Yes!

- I hate this dress, its so itchy.

- Lightbulb, I thought you were allergic to wool?

- Its Eileen Fisher, its just for one day,

all those people wear stuff like this.

Itll be fine.

- I appreciate you coming with me to the grocery store.

I cant believe I forgot Gefilte Fish?

Im such a fucking asshole.

- Facebook refresh. - Okay...

Oh, 27 new comments on your profile photo.

- Excuse me.

Is your internet in this building slow

as is mine slow?

- Nope, ours runs as smoothly as the trains in Europe

in the thirties. - I see.

Enjoy your Sabbath holiday.

- Dont care for him.

- Did you see that Hasidic man before?

- Yes, its so hot. - What a curiosity.

[both laugh]

- Simply fantastic. Right in here.

[Roy Orbisons "Pretty Woman" playing]

ROY: ♪ Pretty woman, walkin down the street ♪

- Get the sleeve, Bastian. Too long. Make it too long.

At least an 1 1/4 inch. Enjoying your shine?

ROY: ♪ Pretty woman, the kind Id like to meet ♪

- I am, thank you. - Youre very, very welcome.

ROY: ♪ Pretty woman, I dont believe you ♪

♪ Youre not the truth ♪ - Pow.

ROY: ♪ No one could look as good as you ♪

- No. - Yes.

- [both laughing]

- [humming, laughing] ROY: ♪ Oh, oh, pretty woman ♪

- Mannequin Leg, come join us. Were ready to eat.

- Yeah, lets share some of the ideas we come up

with when we were unplugged.

- Where do I start? I have so many.

This Unplugging thing really works.

Okay, listen to some of these.

"Glee," but with dogs.

A "Botched" spinoff where Dr. Terry Dubrows

leather jacket becomes sentient and solves crimes.

"American Horror Story:

We Promise We Thought It Through This Time."

"CSI: Provincetown,"

and theres, like, a lot of piss play.

A workplace comedy about lesbian bed death.

And something with Annette Bening.

[cell phone vibrating] - Oh, funnel, text from Billy.

He says good luck with the Refutzers,

and he has to go to a horrible party

with Cecil and his old timey friends.

- Now there is a show.

My best friend is dating this old-timey guy.

Runs around on a pogo stick

and his family invented jelly beans.

- [scoffs] You comedy people kill me.

Your ideas arent grounded.

That sounds like its a sketch, not a show.

- No, Cecils a real human person.

I mean, Id show you a picture of his dick

from my cell phone. Billy forwards them.

Its good to have a library.

- Well, that wouldnt prove anything.

- How about after dinner we go meet Cecil?

- Sounds like a plan! - All right.

- Lchaim. all: Lchaim.

- To my daughter, Julie, I leave you my wedding dress.

- Cut. - What?

- As I once said to Wes Anderson,

"I love what youre doing, but I feel like

Ive seen it before."

Actually, I said that to a photo of Wes Anderson

that I keep in a little, heart-shaped locket.

God, Tina, stop talking.

- I dont know what you mean. Just direct me more.

- Okay. Why are you leaving

your daughter a wedding dress?

Because shell never marry that alcoholic

she lives with and shell never fit into the dress.

- Yes! Keep going! I like this.

Okay, now were writing from truth.

Were like those copywriters who came up with

the ad campaign for Dove soap that cured sexism.

Tell me Marilyn, why...

are you making this will?

- Because I dont want my stuff

to go to a charity I dont like.

- Spite? Okay. Well, then, heres a pitch:

What if we dont think of these things

that youre giving away as “items?"

What if we think of them as “spite-ems.”

- Oh, thats good. Thats good.

I like you. What is your name again?

- Tina Fey.

- I literally have never heard of you.

[jazz music]

♪ ♪

- Billy, my boy, hows your hard tack?

- Im doing the best I can with it.

- Top shelf. Now, could I familiarize you

with some of my circle of chums?

- Mm-hmm. - That ye there is Smitty.

He has a large collection of wooden roller skates.

Orville here plays ukulele.

He also mixed his own lead paint.

- Oh, dear. - And Jeffy...

youre gonna love this very much.

Jeffy will always wear two hats at once.

- Oh, heres a toe-tapper you might know.

Its called "May I Sleep In Your Barn Tonight, Mister?"

[ukulele plays]

[kazoo and ukulele playing] - Oh, Jesus.

♪ ♪

Cecil, I need to talk to you.

- Sure, anything, gent.

- Uh, heres the thing.

Youre a great guy, and Im doing my best

to try and start dating like an--

[cell phone rings] Fuck!

Give me one second. What?

- Billy, its Julie by way of Arthur.

- Tell him to stay at the party.

- Dont leave the party, were coming.

- Wait, wait! No, no! Im currently breaking up

with Cecil gracefully. - You are?

- I just think that maybe we dont have

a lot in common, you know?

Maybe if we take things more slowly.

- Yeah, I mean, I would do that.

- No, no, wait. I always do this

and then I say, well take things more slowly

and then I dont really want to

and then I have to avoid you at the gym

and then I have to join another gym.

But not this time.

Not this gym.

Theres three kinds of water.

Theres--Theres plain and lemon and cucu...

[whimpers] Cucumber.

Youre great. Youre like the cats pajamas,

but I think I have to 23 Skidoo.

- Youre a class act, Epstein.

All the way, but, please, stay for the party, would you?

The punchbowl has heroin in it.

- And were cool? - Oh, as a Julep.

- Okay, cut. Wow.

First of all, I love directing!

- And directing loves you. Youre so good.

- Second of all, Marilyn, resentment is bursting

out of your pores. Which, by the way,

are invisible, because holy shit,

this camera is not fucking around!

- Thank you, sweetheart! Are we done?

- Actually, theres just one other thing

I kind of wanted to throw at you

before we close out the day. - Anything. Im clay.

- What if... this wasnt a will at all?

Stay with me.

What if you give away your “spite-ems” now,

while youre alive, to see the reactions

of the people you want to hurt?

- That is brilliant!

Youre not going anywhere until I sign

that location release for your show.

Didnt you want someone Ive never heard of

to cry on my front steps?

- More than anything, Marilyn. - Call me mom.

- No, you call me mom. - [chuckles]

- Oh, my God, Julie. You were right.

This definitely could be a show.

- I know, right? I told you.

- Okay, Monday morning

you and I are gonna go pitch to Netflix,

and Im gonna change your life. - Oh, my God, are you serious?

- Julie, I broke up with Cecil. - Hey.

I did it gracefully. - Oh, Im proud of you.

- I am officially an ex-trophy wife.

Im like Camille Grammer without IBS.

- Is that our neighbor over there?

- Where? Oh, yeah. Whats he doing here?

- Whats wrong, timestamp?

Youve been doing that all night.

- Oh, its this Eileen Fisher dress.

Im allergic to the wool

and its doing nothing for my waist.

- Sorry, Cecil, could you tell me

where the bathroom is? - Uh, which one?

Cause I have 17 bathrooms. You know why?

Its cause my parents invented jelly beans.

Fuck you.

- Were gonna have to make his character

more likeable on the show.

- No, really, Julie, you have to see this place.

Its ridiculous. - Oh, yes, want to take a tour?

Cecil, do you mind?

- I-I dont mind.

Uh... foll--follow me.

Follow me.

[drum roll]

- What the fuck?

- I knew all you antique dealers were sick creeps!

- Noodles, just like you said.

- Well, hold on now, you gave me the wink.

- I have allergies. - Ohh.

- And you, "Hitler Had Some Good Ideas."

- How do you know my Wi-Fi network?

- We were stealing it, Goebbels.

- That is unethical!

- Well, everyone,

color my face egg color,

theres been a misunderstanding.

Kathy Griffin, love your work.

Billy, I hope to see you at the gym sometime soon.

- Uh, actually no.

And also fuck breaking up gracefully

and fuck you, you tincture making,

derby hat-wearing, jellybean inventing,

penny , steam room-blowing,

Nazi stuff selling piece of shit.

- Billy, that was beautiful.

Ive never high-fived in my life, but I feel like

I should at least make an effort for that.

- I high-fived once and it was ironic.

Lets do this.

[camera shutter clicks] - Shot.

[cell phone whooshes] And texted

to entire Refutz group.

Im gonna make sure you never write for television.

[scoffs] Recapper trash.

- Not our most graceful goodbye.

[upbeat music]

- You know what I learned from this Unplugging experiment?

- That the Curves in Staten Island does not

have a mens locker room?

- That, and I need to take a 24 hour period

each week to un-face.

I interact with too many actual people as it is.

I need a day where Im just around screens.

- Yeah, fuck the real world.

- Screens never hurt anybody.

- Screens make our lives better.

[car honking] - Hooray for screens!

[tires screech, metal crashes]

[horn honking] MAN: Fuck you!

JULIE: Everybody is gay according to "TMZ."

BILLY: Oh, thats good.

[White Reapers "Half Bad" playing]

WOMAN: ♪ Thought itd be easy ♪

♪ Thought they didnt know ♪

♪ You thought it was the only way to go ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Another way out ♪

♪ Found on the way home ♪

♪Thought you were living fast ♪

♪ But you were living slow ♪

♪ ♪