All language subtitles for Difficult.People.S01E08_English

Mmm.

I love show business.

Do bankers or doctors
get a breakfast tent?

No.
Suckers.

This croissant
is heaven.

Right?

Hey, this is
craft services

for the cast and crew
of The Good Wif only.

We're both.

He's a grip,
and I'm playing a judge.

Oh, God--
oh, come on.

Guys...

This is what
it's come to--

stealing food from
Julianna Margulies.

Yeah, well, How else
am I supposed to feed myself?

It's Christmas rerun season.

I don't have any
recap money until January

when The Bachelor
starts up again.

I know,
and my tips are crap.

The cafe is dead.

I'm worried
I'm not gonna be able

to pay the band
for our show.

I know. We have
to figure something out.

Think I'm gonna get
some money from my brother.

Gary's wife went to Israel,
because of course she did,

so now they're gonna pay me to
pick up their awkward daughter

and take her to her Latin tutor
a few times a week.

Well, why should gentiles
be the only ones

roped into Christmas
family bullshit?

[men shouting]

Why are there still
so many drunk Santas around?

Isn't Santa kind of
a one-day thing?

It was.

They made it a week so that
New York could fleece

bar crawlers for even more
of their dirt bag money.

Fucking de Blasio.

I know, right?
Fuck him.

I like his wife.

- She's cool.
- Yeah.

[man grunts]

- Asshole!
- What the fuck?

Why can't things be easier
for us, you know?

Why do we have to be
miserable all the time?

I know.

What will it take
for us to experience joy

during this, the most
magical time of the year?

[laughter]

[driving punk rock music]

*

It's okay, Matthew.

You can't ruin my favorite
tradition with one mistake.

I thought that Secret Santa
meant I tell a secret

to the person
who's name I picked.

Which is why you now know
about all the things

I'd like to do
on J.K. Simmons.

I sure do.

Baby, you want to reveal
who's Secret Santa you are?

- It was Billy.
- Oh, yeah.

I figured, once
I unwrapped my gift

and saw that it was
an old In Touch Weekly

with your hair salon's
address on it.

You love all that
celebrity shit.

Just say "Thank you."
God.

Thank you!

Only 25 things I didn't
know about Melissa Gorga

can save this day.

[gasps]
Oh, and look--

Celebrity gay dads.
how cute.

Oh, yeah, "Neil Patrick Harris,
Ricky Martin,

"Perez Hilton,
and Dennis O'Hare

"take their little kiddos

to My Dancing Divas
dance studio in Tribeca."

Oh, I love Dennis O'Hare.

A sentence I didn't
expect to hear from you.

He's in that new
Marvel movie.

Yeah, the Bryan Singer one.

Bryan Singer--
another gay dad.

Boy, these gay dads have
a lot of high-profile gigs.

Oh, yeah.
It's the gay dad mafia.

I mean, that dance school

is the center of show business
in New York right now.

Well, you can
practically smell

Alan Cumming looking
for a surrogate.

Honey, why don't
you close up?

Matty and I are gonna
go hat shopping,

just to be whimsical.

Yeah, and I'll
get the tree.

- Okay.
- Billy, you can come with.

Oh, actually, I was
gonna see if you guys

wanted me to work
an extra shift tomorrow.

Uh, look around, Billy Magoo.
Restaurant is dead.

Come on, Matty.

Oh, hey, Billy,
if you need some money,

have you thought about a career
in the entertainment industry?

Shut up, Matthew.

No, no, no--I hear The
Mysteries of Laura is hiring.

Oh, really?

Maybe one of their
mysteries can be

"Why don't cute pants
come in Billy's size?"

You know what, Matthew?

I'm starting to think maybe
Kirk Cameron is right.

About what?

About the fact that
you're too gay.

I'm sorry about
the shift tomorrow.

It's all right. I have to pick
up my stupid niece anyway.

I think I have
an idea though.

Who the fuck are you
talking to, Billy?

[ Deck the Halls playing]

Ah, there you are.

Would you object to my fucking
some rich guys for money?

Now hear me out--

not yucky prostitution
like in Leaving Las Vegas;

adorable prostitution
like in Pretty Woman.

Doodles, my parents
are here, remember.

(both)
Happy Holidays, Julie.

Ace, Bunny...

- Is it Christmas already?
- Yeah.

Seems like you guys
were just here.

Sometimes I feel like
it's always Christmas,

and you're always here.

[laughter]

Julie, we were
just saying,

you must join us on our
next Connecticut vacation.

Well, last year, we caught
a marlin off our schooner...

[laughter]

with a badminton net.

[laughter]

That's true.

Rubber plant,
my parents were just saying

that while they're here
they're going to renew

their wedding vows
at the Yale club.

Oh, that's sweet.

But isn't that a little
sentimental for you guys?

Well, the vows
are plain and factual.

We don't want
to be rude.

So how's your Hanukkah,
Julie?

What?
Oh, Hanukkah.

Yes, thank you for asking.
It's okay.

I have a show coming up,
which I'm excited for,

and I'm a little
stressed out

because I'm short on cash,
so, trying to...

[both humming, muttering]

Figure that out.

What's wrong with your parents?
Are they having seizures?

Hair Ribbon, you know
that my parents

can't tolerate any talk
of money or feelings.

But I have none of one
and so many of the other.

Can you ask your mother?

Yeah, if I want to be
emotionally blackmailed.

Last week she took me
grocery shopping,

and now I have
to pay it back to her

by tagging along while she
buys herself more clothes.

Yes, well, if your family had
a motto for its coat of arms,

it would be
"Quid pro quo."

Yes, and the coat
would be from Loehmann's.

- Julie?
- Yes.

Do you want to hear an
embarrassing story about Arthur?

Sure.

One time he ordered...

a Malbec!

[laughter]

So thanks again
for the loan,

and I'm sorry I had to ask for
money two times in one month--

It is a lot
of money, Julie.

Are you in some kind
of trouble?

No, I told you,

Billy and I have a big show
at The Cutting Room,

and we have to hire
a full band.

Musicians are not
like comedians.

You actually have to pay them.
They have a skill.

Can you bring this
to the register, please,

in my size in every color?

Okay.

Do you have a dress
for the show?

Let me get this
for you.

Owning one pretty dress
won't kill you.

Why are you burning
through money

like it's a California
forest?

It's Christmas, Julie.

It's suicide season.

AKA ka-ching city.

All right,
I don't want to be coarse,

but it is that time of year
when everybody gets down

and then they want
to kill themselves.

Well, could you blame them?

Think of all the time they're
spending with their families.

So I'm inspired
by Uber,

and I've begun
peak surge pricing.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

And you have no guilt
about that?

About being available
for my patients

when they need
phone sessions?

No.
I'm helping.

I'm just helping
at a higher rate.

Okay. I got to go.

I have to go downtown
and rehearse.

We have barely spent
any time with one another.

All right,
how about tomorrow?

Would you stop by
the book club?

With all due respect,
I'm not really interested

in Phyllis Gopnik's take
on Gone Girl.

Fine, then I guess I'll see you
the next time you need money.

Mom, that's not fair.

Look, I'm sorry
I'm not successful

yet in my field of choice,
but I appreciate your help.

Not enough to
spend time with me.

I can't do this
anymore.

[cell phone chimes]

I'll get a job.

Hello, Richard.

This is a fine time
for a phone session.

It is 2.7 times higher
than my normal rate though.

Is that okay?

Uncle Billy, why are we here?
This isn't Latin class.

Tal, listen to me.
Latin will not make you cooler.

This is a better option.

Look around. There are
A-list gay dads everywhere.

So because you believe
there's a gay dad mafia,

I have to pretend to be your
daughter and take a dance class.

Yes, for my career.

If I skip Latin,
I'd have to lie to my dad.

That's even cooler.
Come on, let's go.

I'm gonna sign you up.

[laughter]

I'll do this for you

if you help me
get a makeover.

A makeover?

Who taught you
about gay men?

We're not all invested
in making women look better.

I don't care.
I want spa services.

My sister's always the one
getting felt up at bar mitzvahs.

I'm sick of being
the smart one.

Mm, well, for what it's worth,
we don't call you the smart one.

Please?

All right, fine.

Maybe after class we can
start with an eyebrow wax

as a point of entry.

I'm gonna call Julie.

Hi.
Sorry to bother you,

but my niece needs
to get an eyebrow wax

so that I can join
the gay mafia.

I could give you
the name of my salon,

but I don't think they wax
children's eyebrows.

Uh, listen, hey,
I got to go.

I've never said this before,
but I'm at work.

Do these pants have any
paraffins in them?

You know, they're linking
those to autism now.

Ooh! You don't look
autistic to me.

What face am I making?

I don't have
to tip you, right?

I only have 100s until my au
pair gets back from Balducci's.

My roommate in college
used to do--

not prostitution, but,
like, she's dress up

and guys would, like,
jerk off in front of her--

Oh.

Anyway, she'd find clients
in Balducci's.

Isn't that funny? Like,
walking around the aisles.

This is taking longer

than getting a good
table at Le Bernardin.

[laughs]
Good one.

You like movies?

You ever see
Capturing the Friedmans?

Let me tell you about it.

There's this guy
in Great Neck,

and he used to teach
computer classes--

Can you wrap while
you're doing this?

I guess so.

* There was this family

* They were the Friedmans

* Everybody wanted
to go and meet them *

* Arnold taught
a computer class *

* But everybody
didn't know *

That he was a child molester.

Julie, this is not
working out.

Come on, no.
I really need this job.

I need a gift wrap girl
who doesn't need to summarize

the plot of a documentary
about a child molester.

An alleged child molester!
I told you that.

Arnold definitely did it.

Jesse's probably not--

fuck, are you serious?

[rock music]

*

I'm sorry, all of our dance
classes are booked solid

with a three-year
waiting list.

It's just that...

things have been
really hard on us

since my lover got deported
to, um...

To Boko Haram.

I'm sorry, did you say you were
looking for a dance class?

Mm-hmm.

Gail, can't we
make room for--

what's your name, dear?

Oh--Billy Epstein,
SAG-AFTRA.

Tal, and I miss my dad's
lover Carlos so much.

He wanted me to dance.

If they're
with you, Doug,

she's in.

They are.

Welcome to Dancing Diva,
kiddo.

She's adorable.
So did you adopt?

Oh, God, no.
I used a surrogate.

Real skinny one too.
I said,

"Get me the skinniest woman you
have. I want to ruin her body."

But Kiera Knightley wanted
to have her own child.

Selfish bitch.

Look, my daughter scam
is already paying off.

First day in the class,
she meets a kid

with a connection
to Ryan Murphy.

And get this--after
American Horror Story,

he's doing
American Comedy Story.

Of course that's
his next move.

God bless Ryan Murphy.

Jessica Lange is playing
Phyllis Diller.

Thank God.

And I'm gonna play
Howie Mandel.

My God, that sounds
worse than Freak Show.

You have to be on it.

I'm gonna have Tal
put me on tape,

then she's gonna give the tape
to the casting director

who's gonna give it
to Ryan Murphy.

How's your job?

Well, today I learned how
to make an origami swastika,

just to jazz up
my gift wrap game.

Oh, that's nice.

- And then I was fired.
- What?

How do you deal
with your day job?

I mean, you hate people
as much as I do.

I mean, you know, beats
working in an office.

You're gonna have to
eat shit no matter what.

Just--it's about
figuring out

what type of shit
you want to eat.

But eating shit sucks.

Only dogs like eating shit,

and that's a bad example,
because dogs are the best.

I'm not saying
that you have to live

in an apartment
as small as mine.

I'm just saying
that, you know,

you could probably stand
to save a little money.

Even the band has a second job.
They sell Molly.

By the way, Ted,
you owe me some change.

[upbeat rock music]

*

Oh, hey. Did you give
that girl my audition?

I didn't sit through eight
takes of you trying to blow up

a surgical glove
with your nose for nothing.

Excuse me, that was hilarious.
It was worth it.

Okay. Good news--
Gideon Patrick Harris

had some bad edamame
this afternoon,

and now she
can't stop puking.

Oh, that is good news.

No, the good part is,
I get to fill in

as the lead role
in tomorrow night's recital.

Wow.
That's amazing.

I'm sorry.
I wish I could come.

I have my Cutting Room
show with Julie.

If you can't take me,
then I can't go.

I have to have an adult
sign me in.

My dad doesn't know
anything about this.

I don't know what
to tell you, Tal.

I have a show with Julie.
You know, it's important.

It's my career.

[sniffles]

What are you doing?

Excuse me, are you crying?
Please don't cry here.

What if someone sees me?
You're gonna embarrass me.

Tal, stop making
this about you.

I hope you can live
with yourself.

Excuse me?

I love living with myself.

I'm a very good roommate.

I refuse to feel
bad about this.

This is my career, Tal.

Stop crying, or those
eyelash extensions I bought you

are gonna fall off--
oh, my phone.

I can't believe they're
letting Tal dance Gideon's part.

She's so weird.

(girl) She probably
won't even show up anyway.

(girl)
God, I hope not.

- We're home.
- Yoo-hoo.

Don't mess up
my piles.

What are you doing?

Since I lost my job,

I'm downsizing
some creature comforts

based on Billy's
suggestion,

so I'm selling some
of my stuff on eBay.

But this is my stuff.

Oh, actually, that sweater
on top--that's mine.

Oh, Reginald,
don't be rude.

Who's Reginald?
I thought you were Ace.

Yes, well, my father
goes by Ace,

but he was born Reginald
to his father Talbot,

whose first name was Cappy,
but Trip, for short.

[laughs]
WASPs.

Where are you guys
coming from?

We had a run-through
of our ceremony.

Read her the vows.

Well, let's see.

Bunny, you have been
my wife for 40 years.

Today we are renewing
our vows at the Yale Club.

We are married again, still.

Great job, Dad.

I'm moved.

40 years.

Oh.

- Another?
- Ah.

More eggs.

[slurping]

And gin.

Sure thing, Santa.

Something wrong?
Ten words or less.

No.
Well...

Shit.

I have a 12-year-old niece
that I take to this dance class,

and she got the lead
in her recital,

but the recital is the same
night as my show with Julie.

So now she can't do the recital
because I have to do my show.

All of a sudden
there were tears,

and there's crying--
I don't need this shit.

I didn't even know
you had a family.

But now I feel sad.

Yeah, that's guilt,
stupid.

Is it too late to fix it,
or are you gonna screw it up

the way you screw
everything else up?

I could change my plans,
but what about my show?

What about your show?

You know, the only
person I ever see you with

is that ginger witch.

You see me every day,
and I don't even like you.

If you don't fix things
with your niece,

you're gonna end up
alone like that guy...

in, like, three weeks.

(Santa)
* Mama's little baby called

* Santa, Santa

* Mama's little Santa
like eggs and gin *

Hey, I have
some big news.

Me too: I'm still broke.
I can't hold a day job.

I can't keep taking money
from my mother

because I'm sick of being
told what to do.

The only thing keeping me
from completely losing my shit

is this show.

Okay, your turn.

I can't do the show tonight.

You're telling me that

you can't do
our show tonight--

the one that's in six hours.

The one that I wrapped
presents to pay for?

I know. Please don't
jump off a bridge.

Boy, it really is
suicide season.

A bridge? Honestly,
I'd probably use pills.

Really?

I always thought the belt
and a chair was the way to go.

Yeah, but then they'd say
you were jerking off.

Yeah, but then they could
say, "He died as he lived."

Billy! This show is a big deal.
Why are you doing this to me?

You know, I made Tal
take that dance class,

and now I have to go
to her recital.

You know Tal.
She's us at that age.

She has a lifetime
of cyber bullying

and Saturday nights alone
ahead of her.

This might be
her one big night.

Fine.

We'll cancel the show.

I don't have anything
to wear to it anyway.

I sold most of my clothes
on Craigslist.

Oh...
you're using Craigslist

for something
other than anonymous sex?

I know.

This time of year really
shows you how low you can sink.

[jangly rock music]

*

[crunching]

I thought The Good Wife
was better than this.

Say what you will about
equity partner Alicia Florrick;

She's an awfully
good wife.

You can say that again.

[doorbell rings]

That Peter Florrick, though,
he's a bad husband.

Mom?

Don't worry, I took
a Claritin because of the dogs,

and I have a taxi waiting
because of the neighborhood.

Look.

I bought you that dress.

Oh, no, no, no--
I can't accept that.

Stop it. I don't want
anything in return.

I just want you to look
pretty for your show.

Oh, thank you, Mom.

That's very sweet,
but it doesn't matter,

because there is
no show anymore.

Billy backed out.

Oh, no. Is he okay?

He must feel terrible.

Is that a loofah?

You should not exfoliate.

You know you have
irritable skin.

No, Mom,
it's not skin care.

It's dinner.
I'm trying to save money.

Oh, Julie.

You know that
I think that Arthur

is a perfectly sweet man
for a functioning alcoholic,

but have you ever
considered marrying somebody

that doesn't work
for public television?

Then all your money worries
would be over.

No, Mom, if I marry
a rich husband,

he's just gonna expect the same
things that you do from me,

I just also have
to sleep with him.

What do I expect of you?

Listen, as long as I continue
to take money from you,

I have to let you
tell me what to do

and give me passive-aggressive
advice about who I should be,

and I'm sick of it.
I'm not doing it anymore.

I have news for you,
Julie:

even if you didn't
take a cent from me,

I'm still gonna give you advice,

because that's who I am
and that's what I do

because I'm your mother.

So I can't escape
the shackles of our dynamic

even if I do
pay my own way?

Well, I wouldn't say--
is that The Good Wife?

Wait a minute.
I think I'm on to something.

I painted myself
into a corner.

If I can't marry rich,

take your money,
or tolerate a day job,

I have no choice but
to earn a living in comedy.

How can you see that screen
with all that dust?

And you know what?

I'm gonna do that show tonight,
with or without Billy.

Julie, that's you
on television.

You're asking
for $3 million...

Oh, my God.

It's a sign.

(man)
Good luck with that.

[rock music]

*

[knocking on door]

Get in the cab.
I'm saving Christmas.

I'm not doing it.
I don't want to end up

some drunk Santa
at a Santa Con

singing his own lyrics
to Shortnin' Bread.

Let's go.

Hey, Dad! There's been
a Latin emergency,

and Uncle Billy's
taking us to the city! Bye!

Come on, and you better
be good at this recital.

If you miss any steps,

I'm telling everyone
you're not my daughter.

I don't want any stupid
Abigail Breslin

Little Miss Sunshine
bullshit.

You used the word "trapped."

Could you speak
about that some more?

I'm here.

Yes.

No, I've been listening
to everything you've said.

I just think that the repetition
would be beneficial for you.

(man) Ma'am, we're at
The Cutting Room.

My daughter's show doesn't
start for another ten minutes.

Go around the block
another time.

I'm saving lives
and making money.

Hello?

Well, your father
sounds like a monster.

I mean, your mother.

(Julie) Thanks for
coming out tonight, guys.

This last thing
was gonna be a duet,

but Christmas
is full of surprises.

* Abandoned on Christmas

* Is a right of passage

* Neglected, dejected

* You're left out again

*

* I know it's basic
to be bitter on Christmas *

* But I don't need a holiday
to flex my bitterness *

* What's really basic
is to be bitter *

* Just once a year

*

* I know it's lame
to a bitch about Christmas *

* But consider all the minutes
that I've spent perfecting it *

* Why should bitter
take a holiday? *

* My bitterness
is a year-round policy *

* Like being lonely
on Valentine's Day *

* Or dressing up like a slut
for Halloween *

* I do that shit
all year round *

* So don't micromanage
when I can be mean *

* Bitter as a flavor
is great by design *

* Sour grapes make for
the best kind of wine *

* Bitter is better
than most things *

* Like being naive

* Remember
the high expectations *

* You had last
New Year's Eve *

* I know it's basic
to be bitter on Christmas *

(Julie) Oh, my mom never
even came to the show.

She was surge pricing
her patients

in an Uber that was
surge pricing her.

Sounds about right.

I can't believe I've never
been to your apartment before.

Well, it's not exactly set up
for entertaining guests.

It's not exactly set up
for standing.

[laughs]

I know you're in your mid 30s,
but I just want to say,

I'm sorry your mom
cut you off.

Thank you, but I'm not
gonna make a whole thing

whining about it like some
privileged white girl

writing from experience.

And I'm sorry
I missed our show.

It's okay.
You had to be there for Tal.

I always thought that if
I showed up for a family member

when I said I was going to,
that's the best way

to keep them out
of the entertainment industry.

Well, there's no kinder
gesture than that.

And I guess I see myself
in her, in some weird way.

I was even more awkward than
she was when I was that age.

I guess I thought
if I showed up for her

she might actually
be okay.

Please don't tell me
that this Christmas ends

with your heart
growing three sizes.

Fuck that.

- That bitch stole my part.
- What?

- Did I not tell you this?
- No.

She submitted herself
to Ryan Murphy.

Not my tape--herself.

And she got cast as one of
Paula Poundstone's kids.

Holy shit.

That's a good part.

I showed up for her

when I said I was going to,
and she's still one of us.

God, I love show business.

You know, I have
a feeling that this year

is gonna be easier for us.

Yeah? I wonder what
we're gonna complain about.

I have no idea.

That's so exciting.

Merry Christmas, Jules.

Merry Christmas, Billy.

Hey!

I broke in last night
and slept in your bathtub.

What the fuck?

Happy Hanukkah.

*

* Oh

* Thought it'd be easy

* Thought they didn't know

* You thought it was
the only way to go *

*

* Another way out

* Found on the way home

* Thought you were living fast

* But you were living slow

*