Original subtitles

Mmm.

I love show business.

Do bankers or doctors get a breakfast tent?

No. Suckers.

This croissant is heaven.

Right?

Hey, this is craft services

for the cast and crew of The Good Wif only.

We're both.

He's a grip, and I'm playing a judge.

Oh, God-- oh, come on.

Guys...

This is what it's come to--

stealing food from Julianna Margulies.

Yeah, well, How else am I supposed to feed myself?

It's Christmas rerun season.

I don't have any recap money until January

when The Bachelor starts up again.

I know, and my tips are crap.

The cafe is dead.

I'm worried I'm not gonna be able

to pay the band for our show.

I know. We have to figure something out.

Think I'm gonna get some money from my brother.

Gary's wife went to Israel, because of course she did,

so now they're gonna pay me to pick up their awkward daughter

and take her to her Latin tutor a few times a week.

Well, why should gentiles be the only ones

roped into Christmas family bullshit?

[men shouting]

Why are there still so many drunk Santas around?

Isn't Santa kind of a one-day thing?

It was.

They made it a week so that New York could fleece

bar crawlers for even more of their dirt bag money.

Fucking de Blasio.

I know, right? Fuck him.

I like his wife.

- She's cool. - Yeah.

[man grunts]

- Asshole! - What the fuck?

Why can't things be easier for us, you know?

Why do we have to be miserable all the time?

I know.

What will it take for us to experience joy

during this, the most magical time of the year?

[laughter]

[driving punk rock music]

*

It's okay, Matthew.

You can't ruin my favorite tradition with one mistake.

I thought that Secret Santa meant I tell a secret

to the person who's name I picked.

Which is why you now know about all the things

I'd like to do on J.K. Simmons.

I sure do.

Baby, you want to reveal who's Secret Santa you are?

- It was Billy. - Oh, yeah.

I figured, once I unwrapped my gift

and saw that it was an old In Touch Weekly

with your hair salon's address on it.

You love all that celebrity shit.

Just say "Thank you." God.

Thank you!

Only 25 things I didn't know about Melissa Gorga

can save this day.

[gasps] Oh, and look--

Celebrity gay dads. how cute.

Oh, yeah, "Neil Patrick Harris, Ricky Martin,

"Perez Hilton, and Dennis O'Hare

"take their little kiddos

to My Dancing Divas dance studio in Tribeca."

Oh, I love Dennis O'Hare.

A sentence I didn't expect to hear from you.

He's in that new Marvel movie.

Yeah, the Bryan Singer one.

Bryan Singer-- another gay dad.

Boy, these gay dads have a lot of high-profile gigs.

Oh, yeah. It's the gay dad mafia.

I mean, that dance school

is the center of show business in New York right now.

Well, you can practically smell

Alan Cumming looking for a surrogate.

Honey, why don't you close up?

Matty and I are gonna go hat shopping,

just to be whimsical.

Yeah, and I'll get the tree.

- Okay. - Billy, you can come with.

Oh, actually, I was gonna see if you guys

wanted me to work an extra shift tomorrow.

Uh, look around, Billy Magoo. Restaurant is dead.

Come on, Matty.

Oh, hey, Billy, if you need some money,

have you thought about a career in the entertainment industry?

Shut up, Matthew.

No, no, no--I hear The Mysteries of Laura is hiring.

Oh, really?

Maybe one of their mysteries can be

"Why don't cute pants come in Billy's size?"

You know what, Matthew?

I'm starting to think maybe Kirk Cameron is right.

About what?

About the fact that you're too gay.

I'm sorry about the shift tomorrow.

It's all right. I have to pick up my stupid niece anyway.

I think I have an idea though.

Who the fuck are you talking to, Billy?

[ Deck the Halls playing]

Ah, there you are.

Would you object to my fucking some rich guys for money?

Now hear me out--

not yucky prostitution like in Leaving Las Vegas;

adorable prostitution like in Pretty Woman.

Doodles, my parents are here, remember.

(both) Happy Holidays, Julie.

Ace, Bunny...

- Is it Christmas already? - Yeah.

Seems like you guys were just here.

Sometimes I feel like it's always Christmas,

and you're always here.

[laughter]

Julie, we were just saying,

you must join us on our next Connecticut vacation.

Well, last year, we caught a marlin off our schooner...

[laughter]

with a badminton net.

[laughter]

That's true.

Rubber plant, my parents were just saying

that while they're here they're going to renew

their wedding vows at the Yale club.

Oh, that's sweet.

But isn't that a little sentimental for you guys?

Well, the vows are plain and factual.

We don't want to be rude.

So how's your Hanukkah, Julie?

What? Oh, Hanukkah.

Yes, thank you for asking. It's okay.

I have a show coming up, which I'm excited for,

and I'm a little stressed out

because I'm short on cash, so, trying to...

[both humming, muttering]

Figure that out.

What's wrong with your parents? Are they having seizures?

Hair Ribbon, you know that my parents

can't tolerate any talk of money or feelings.

But I have none of one and so many of the other.

Can you ask your mother?

Yeah, if I want to be emotionally blackmailed.

Last week she took me grocery shopping,

and now I have to pay it back to her

by tagging along while she buys herself more clothes.

Yes, well, if your family had a motto for its coat of arms,

it would be "Quid pro quo."

Yes, and the coat would be from Loehmann's.

- Julie? - Yes.

Do you want to hear an embarrassing story about Arthur?

Sure.

One time he ordered...

a Malbec!

[laughter]

So thanks again for the loan,

and I'm sorry I had to ask for money two times in one month--

It is a lot of money, Julie.

Are you in some kind of trouble?

No, I told you,

Billy and I have a big show at The Cutting Room,

and we have to hire a full band.

Musicians are not like comedians.

You actually have to pay them. They have a skill.

Can you bring this to the register, please,

in my size in every color?

Okay.

Do you have a dress for the show?

Let me get this for you.

Owning one pretty dress won't kill you.

Why are you burning through money

like it's a California forest?

It's Christmas, Julie.

It's suicide season.

AKA ka-ching city.

All right, I don't want to be coarse,

but it is that time of year when everybody gets down

and then they want to kill themselves.

Well, could you blame them?

Think of all the time they're spending with their families.

So I'm inspired by Uber,

and I've begun peak surge pricing.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

And you have no guilt about that?

About being available for my patients

when they need phone sessions?

No. I'm helping.

I'm just helping at a higher rate.

Okay. I got to go.

I have to go downtown and rehearse.

We have barely spent any time with one another.

All right, how about tomorrow?

Would you stop by the book club?

With all due respect, I'm not really interested

in Phyllis Gopnik's take on Gone Girl.

Fine, then I guess I'll see you the next time you need money.

Mom, that's not fair.

Look, I'm sorry I'm not successful

yet in my field of choice, but I appreciate your help.

Not enough to spend time with me.

I can't do this anymore.

[cell phone chimes]

I'll get a job.

Hello, Richard.

This is a fine time for a phone session.

It is 2.7 times higher than my normal rate though.

Is that okay?

Uncle Billy, why are we here? This isn't Latin class.

Tal, listen to me. Latin will not make you cooler.

This is a better option.

Look around. There are A-list gay dads everywhere.

So because you believe there's a gay dad mafia,

I have to pretend to be your daughter and take a dance class.

Yes, for my career.

If I skip Latin, I'd have to lie to my dad.

That's even cooler. Come on, let's go.

I'm gonna sign you up.

[laughter]

I'll do this for you

if you help me get a makeover.

A makeover?

Who taught you about gay men?

We're not all invested in making women look better.

I don't care. I want spa services.

My sister's always the one getting felt up at bar mitzvahs.

I'm sick of being the smart one.

Mm, well, for what it's worth, we don't call you the smart one.

Please?

All right, fine.

Maybe after class we can start with an eyebrow wax

as a point of entry.

I'm gonna call Julie.

Hi. Sorry to bother you,

but my niece needs to get an eyebrow wax

so that I can join the gay mafia.

I could give you the name of my salon,

but I don't think they wax children's eyebrows.

Uh, listen, hey, I got to go.

I've never said this before, but I'm at work.

Do these pants have any paraffins in them?

You know, they're linking those to autism now.

Ooh! You don't look autistic to me.

What face am I making?

I don't have to tip you, right?

I only have 100s until my au pair gets back from Balducci's.

My roommate in college used to do--

not prostitution, but, like, she's dress up

and guys would, like, jerk off in front of her--

Oh.

Anyway, she'd find clients in Balducci's.

Isn't that funny? Like, walking around the aisles.

This is taking longer

than getting a good table at Le Bernardin.

[laughs] Good one.

You like movies?

You ever see Capturing the Friedmans?

Let me tell you about it.

There's this guy in Great Neck,

and he used to teach computer classes--

Can you wrap while you're doing this?

I guess so.

* There was this family

* They were the Friedmans

* Everybody wanted to go and meet them *

* Arnold taught a computer class *

* But everybody didn't know *

That he was a child molester.

Julie, this is not working out.

Come on, no. I really need this job.

I need a gift wrap girl who doesn't need to summarize

the plot of a documentary about a child molester.

An alleged child molester! I told you that.

Arnold definitely did it.

Jesse's probably not--

fuck, are you serious?

[rock music]

*

I'm sorry, all of our dance classes are booked solid

with a three-year waiting list.

It's just that...

things have been really hard on us

since my lover got deported to, um...

To Boko Haram.

I'm sorry, did you say you were looking for a dance class?

Mm-hmm.

Gail, can't we make room for--

what's your name, dear?

Oh--Billy Epstein, SAG-AFTRA.

Tal, and I miss my dad's lover Carlos so much.

He wanted me to dance.

If they're with you, Doug,

she's in.

They are.

Welcome to Dancing Diva, kiddo.

She's adorable. So did you adopt?

Oh, God, no. I used a surrogate.

Real skinny one too. I said,

"Get me the skinniest woman you have. I want to ruin her body."

But Kiera Knightley wanted to have her own child.

Selfish bitch.

Look, my daughter scam is already paying off.

First day in the class, she meets a kid

with a connection to Ryan Murphy.

And get this--after American Horror Story,

he's doing American Comedy Story.

Of course that's his next move.

God bless Ryan Murphy.

Jessica Lange is playing Phyllis Diller.

Thank God.

And I'm gonna play Howie Mandel.

My God, that sounds worse than Freak Show.

You have to be on it.

I'm gonna have Tal put me on tape,

then she's gonna give the tape to the casting director

who's gonna give it to Ryan Murphy.

How's your job?

Well, today I learned how to make an origami swastika,

just to jazz up my gift wrap game.

Oh, that's nice.

- And then I was fired. - What?

How do you deal with your day job?

I mean, you hate people as much as I do.

I mean, you know, beats working in an office.

You're gonna have to eat shit no matter what.

Just--it's about figuring out

what type of shit you want to eat.

But eating shit sucks.

Only dogs like eating shit,

and that's a bad example, because dogs are the best.

I'm not saying that you have to live

in an apartment as small as mine.

I'm just saying that, you know,

you could probably stand to save a little money.

Even the band has a second job. They sell Molly.

By the way, Ted, you owe me some change.

[upbeat rock music]

*

Oh, hey. Did you give that girl my audition?

I didn't sit through eight takes of you trying to blow up

a surgical glove with your nose for nothing.

Excuse me, that was hilarious. It was worth it.

Okay. Good news-- Gideon Patrick Harris

had some bad edamame this afternoon,

and now she can't stop puking.

Oh, that is good news.

No, the good part is, I get to fill in

as the lead role in tomorrow night's recital.

Wow. That's amazing.

I'm sorry. I wish I could come.

I have my Cutting Room show with Julie.

If you can't take me, then I can't go.

I have to have an adult sign me in.

My dad doesn't know anything about this.

I don't know what to tell you, Tal.

I have a show with Julie. You know, it's important.

It's my career.

[sniffles]

What are you doing?

Excuse me, are you crying? Please don't cry here.

What if someone sees me? You're gonna embarrass me.

Tal, stop making this about you.

I hope you can live with yourself.

Excuse me?

I love living with myself.

I'm a very good roommate.

I refuse to feel bad about this.

This is my career, Tal.

Stop crying, or those eyelash extensions I bought you

are gonna fall off-- oh, my phone.

I can't believe they're letting Tal dance Gideon's part.

She's so weird.

(girl) She probably won't even show up anyway.

(girl) God, I hope not.

- We're home. - Yoo-hoo.

Don't mess up my piles.

What are you doing?

Since I lost my job,

I'm downsizing some creature comforts

based on Billy's suggestion,

so I'm selling some of my stuff on eBay.

But this is my stuff.

Oh, actually, that sweater on top--that's mine.

Oh, Reginald, don't be rude.

Who's Reginald? I thought you were Ace.

Yes, well, my father goes by Ace,

but he was born Reginald to his father Talbot,

whose first name was Cappy, but Trip, for short.

[laughs] WASPs.

Where are you guys coming from?

We had a run-through of our ceremony.

Read her the vows.

Well, let's see.

Bunny, you have been my wife for 40 years.

Today we are renewing our vows at the Yale Club.

We are married again, still.

Great job, Dad.

I'm moved.

40 years.

Oh.

- Another? - Ah.

More eggs.

[slurping]

And gin.

Sure thing, Santa.

Something wrong? Ten words or less.

No. Well...

Shit.

I have a 12-year-old niece that I take to this dance class,

and she got the lead in her recital,

but the recital is the same night as my show with Julie.

So now she can't do the recital because I have to do my show.

All of a sudden there were tears,

and there's crying-- I don't need this shit.

I didn't even know you had a family.

But now I feel sad.

Yeah, that's guilt, stupid.

Is it too late to fix it, or are you gonna screw it up

the way you screw everything else up?

I could change my plans, but what about my show?

What about your show?

You know, the only person I ever see you with

is that ginger witch.

You see me every day, and I don't even like you.

If you don't fix things with your niece,

you're gonna end up alone like that guy...

in, like, three weeks.

(Santa) * Mama's little baby called

* Santa, Santa

* Mama's little Santa like eggs and gin *

Hey, I have some big news.

Me too: I'm still broke. I can't hold a day job.

I can't keep taking money from my mother

because I'm sick of being told what to do.

The only thing keeping me from completely losing my shit

is this show.

Okay, your turn.

I can't do the show tonight.

You're telling me that

you can't do our show tonight--

the one that's in six hours.

The one that I wrapped presents to pay for?

I know. Please don't jump off a bridge.

Boy, it really is suicide season.

A bridge? Honestly, I'd probably use pills.

Really?

I always thought the belt and a chair was the way to go.

Yeah, but then they'd say you were jerking off.

Yeah, but then they could say, "He died as he lived."

Billy! This show is a big deal. Why are you doing this to me?

You know, I made Tal take that dance class,

and now I have to go to her recital.

You know Tal. She's us at that age.

She has a lifetime of cyber bullying

and Saturday nights alone ahead of her.

This might be her one big night.

Fine.

We'll cancel the show.

I don't have anything to wear to it anyway.

I sold most of my clothes on Craigslist.

Oh... you're using Craigslist

for something other than anonymous sex?

I know.

This time of year really shows you how low you can sink.

[jangly rock music]

*

[crunching]

I thought The Good Wife was better than this.

Say what you will about equity partner Alicia Florrick;

She's an awfully good wife.

You can say that again.

[doorbell rings]

That Peter Florrick, though, he's a bad husband.

Mom?

Don't worry, I took a Claritin because of the dogs,

and I have a taxi waiting because of the neighborhood.

Look.

I bought you that dress.

Oh, no, no, no-- I can't accept that.

Stop it. I don't want anything in return.

I just want you to look pretty for your show.

Oh, thank you, Mom.

That's very sweet, but it doesn't matter,

because there is no show anymore.

Billy backed out.

Oh, no. Is he okay?

He must feel terrible.

Is that a loofah?

You should not exfoliate.

You know you have irritable skin.

No, Mom, it's not skin care.

It's dinner. I'm trying to save money.

Oh, Julie.

You know that I think that Arthur

is a perfectly sweet man for a functioning alcoholic,

but have you ever considered marrying somebody

that doesn't work for public television?

Then all your money worries would be over.

No, Mom, if I marry a rich husband,

he's just gonna expect the same things that you do from me,

I just also have to sleep with him.

What do I expect of you?

Listen, as long as I continue to take money from you,

I have to let you tell me what to do

and give me passive-aggressive advice about who I should be,

and I'm sick of it. I'm not doing it anymore.

I have news for you, Julie:

even if you didn't take a cent from me,

I'm still gonna give you advice,

because that's who I am and that's what I do

because I'm your mother.

So I can't escape the shackles of our dynamic

even if I do pay my own way?

Well, I wouldn't say-- is that The Good Wife?

Wait a minute. I think I'm on to something.

I painted myself into a corner.

If I can't marry rich,

take your money, or tolerate a day job,

I have no choice but to earn a living in comedy.

How can you see that screen with all that dust?

And you know what?

I'm gonna do that show tonight, with or without Billy.

Julie, that's you on television.

You're asking for $3 million...

Oh, my God.

It's a sign.

(man) Good luck with that.

[rock music]

*

[knocking on door]

Get in the cab. I'm saving Christmas.

I'm not doing it. I don't want to end up

some drunk Santa at a Santa Con

singing his own lyrics to Shortnin' Bread.

Let's go.

Hey, Dad! There's been a Latin emergency,

and Uncle Billy's taking us to the city! Bye!

Come on, and you better be good at this recital.

If you miss any steps,

I'm telling everyone you're not my daughter.

I don't want any stupid Abigail Breslin

Little Miss Sunshine bullshit.

You used the word "trapped."

Could you speak about that some more?

I'm here.

Yes.

No, I've been listening to everything you've said.

I just think that the repetition would be beneficial for you.

(man) Ma'am, we're at The Cutting Room.

My daughter's show doesn't start for another ten minutes.

Go around the block another time.

I'm saving lives and making money.

Hello?

Well, your father sounds like a monster.

I mean, your mother.

(Julie) Thanks for coming out tonight, guys.

This last thing was gonna be a duet,

but Christmas is full of surprises.

* Abandoned on Christmas

* Is a right of passage

* Neglected, dejected

* You're left out again

*

* I know it's basic to be bitter on Christmas *

* But I don't need a holiday to flex my bitterness *

* What's really basic is to be bitter *

* Just once a year

*

* I know it's lame to a bitch about Christmas *

* But consider all the minutes that I've spent perfecting it *

* Why should bitter take a holiday? *

* My bitterness is a year-round policy *

* Like being lonely on Valentine's Day *

* Or dressing up like a slut for Halloween *

* I do that shit all year round *

* So don't micromanage when I can be mean *

* Bitter as a flavor is great by design *

* Sour grapes make for the best kind of wine *

* Bitter is better than most things *

* Like being naive

* Remember the high expectations *

* You had last New Year's Eve *

* I know it's basic to be bitter on Christmas *

(Julie) Oh, my mom never even came to the show.

She was surge pricing her patients

in an Uber that was surge pricing her.

Sounds about right.

I can't believe I've never been to your apartment before.

Well, it's not exactly set up for entertaining guests.

It's not exactly set up for standing.

[laughs]

I know you're in your mid 30s, but I just want to say,

I'm sorry your mom cut you off.

Thank you, but I'm not gonna make a whole thing

whining about it like some privileged white girl

writing from experience.

And I'm sorry I missed our show.

It's okay. You had to be there for Tal.

I always thought that if I showed up for a family member

when I said I was going to, that's the best way

to keep them out of the entertainment industry.

Well, there's no kinder gesture than that.

And I guess I see myself in her, in some weird way.

I was even more awkward than she was when I was that age.

I guess I thought if I showed up for her

she might actually be okay.

Please don't tell me that this Christmas ends

with your heart growing three sizes.

Fuck that.

- That bitch stole my part. - What?

- Did I not tell you this? - No.

She submitted herself to Ryan Murphy.

Not my tape--herself.

And she got cast as one of Paula Poundstone's kids.

Holy shit.

That's a good part.

I showed up for her

when I said I was going to, and she's still one of us.

God, I love show business.

You know, I have a feeling that this year

is gonna be easier for us.

Yeah? I wonder what we're gonna complain about.

I have no idea.

That's so exciting.

Merry Christmas, Jules.

Merry Christmas, Billy.

Hey!

I broke in last night and slept in your bathtub.

What the fuck?

Happy Hanukkah.

*

* Oh

* Thought it'd be easy

* Thought they didn't know

* You thought it was the only way to go *

*

* Another way out

* Found on the way home

* Thought you were living fast

* But you were living slow

*