Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,669 --> 00:00:05,169
[driving punk rock music]
2
00:00:05,273 --> 00:00:06,373
[indistinct chatter]
3
00:00:06,474 --> 00:00:08,444
(man)
Where'd you get that?
4
00:00:08,542 --> 00:00:10,182
Have you ever seen
people laugh less
5
00:00:10,278 --> 00:00:12,108
than comedians
at a comedy party?
6
00:00:12,213 --> 00:00:13,253
Ugh, I know, right?
7
00:00:13,347 --> 00:00:15,417
[indistinct chatter]
8
00:00:15,516 --> 00:00:17,186
Oh, Carl retweeted my joke
9
00:00:17,285 --> 00:00:19,285
about how Miles Teller
looks exactly like K.D. Lang.
10
00:00:19,387 --> 00:00:21,087
- How is Carl?
- He's supersweet.
11
00:00:21,189 --> 00:00:23,159
- But he's almost too sweet.
- Mm-hmm.
12
00:00:23,257 --> 00:00:25,157
Sometimes, I just think
I want a guy to come up to me
13
00:00:25,259 --> 00:00:27,359
and be like, "Hey,"
and then within five minutes,
14
00:00:27,461 --> 00:00:30,031
we're just videotaping
ourselves having sex
15
00:00:30,131 --> 00:00:31,571
for some James Franco
art project.
16
00:00:31,665 --> 00:00:33,065
Maybe you just
don't want a boyfriend.
17
00:00:33,167 --> 00:00:34,397
Well, at least
not one so kind.
18
00:00:34,502 --> 00:00:36,202
The only kind of kind I like
is Richard Kind.
19
00:00:36,304 --> 00:00:38,444
Oh, God, I would love
to fuck Richard Kind.
20
00:00:38,539 --> 00:00:39,609
[laughs]
21
00:00:39,707 --> 00:00:41,207
I just want Carl
to be a little meaner.
22
00:00:41,309 --> 00:00:42,479
Mean people are the ones
you remember.
23
00:00:42,576 --> 00:00:44,376
Like, on my recaps,
the only commenter
24
00:00:44,478 --> 00:00:47,318
I ever remember
is this HappyHour37.
25
00:00:47,415 --> 00:00:50,075
She posts the nastiest stuff
about me every day.
26
00:00:50,184 --> 00:00:51,454
Like, what does she do?
Just attack your writing?
27
00:00:51,552 --> 00:00:53,492
She used to, but now
it's gotten personal.
28
00:00:53,587 --> 00:00:54,657
She found out
what I look like,
29
00:00:54,755 --> 00:00:56,285
and she started
calling me Fat Reba.
30
00:00:56,390 --> 00:00:57,430
[glass shatters]
31
00:00:57,525 --> 00:00:58,625
[laughter,
indistinct chatter]
32
00:00:58,726 --> 00:01:00,256
Who invited Frank Zappa?
33
00:01:00,361 --> 00:01:01,431
That's Sonny Kilburg.
34
00:01:01,529 --> 00:01:04,569
He hosts this podcast
called The Godless Podcast.
35
00:01:04,665 --> 00:01:07,295
You know what? The NSA
needs to shut down iTunes.
36
00:01:07,401 --> 00:01:10,441
Hey, Sonny, Julie Kessler,
Billy Epstein.
37
00:01:10,538 --> 00:01:12,068
- Hey.
- We're big fans.
38
00:01:12,173 --> 00:01:13,443
- How are you doing?
- I'm shitty.
39
00:01:13,541 --> 00:01:15,341
My guest just dropped out
for tomorrow morning.
40
00:01:15,443 --> 00:01:17,513
Wow, well, it sounds like
you're asking us to fill in.
41
00:01:17,611 --> 00:01:19,281
And we would love to.
42
00:01:19,380 --> 00:01:21,180
- Well, thank you for asking.
- All right. Okay.
43
00:01:21,282 --> 00:01:23,482
Well, guys, the podcast is
for comedians who are atheists.
44
00:01:23,584 --> 00:01:25,524
So I don't even know
if you guys are comedians.
45
00:01:25,619 --> 00:01:27,419
Yes, we are
very much comedians.
46
00:01:27,521 --> 00:01:29,091
And we are very much
atheists.
47
00:01:29,190 --> 00:01:30,520
I mean, we think people
that do believe in God
48
00:01:30,624 --> 00:01:31,564
are huge dumb-dumbs.
49
00:01:31,659 --> 00:01:33,389
Yeah, if God exists,
50
00:01:33,494 --> 00:01:35,464
then why isn't Mo'Nique
one of the new Ghostbusters?
51
00:01:35,563 --> 00:01:37,573
(Julie)
And what kind of God
52
00:01:37,665 --> 00:01:40,495
would've taken away
my mother's legs?
53
00:01:40,601 --> 00:01:42,241
- Seriously?
- Yeah.
54
00:01:42,336 --> 00:01:43,666
- Your mom lost her legs?
- She lost her legs.
55
00:01:43,771 --> 00:01:45,641
(Billy)
One of them is cut off
right at the hip,
56
00:01:45,739 --> 00:01:48,639
and the other is pretty much
capri length.
57
00:01:51,179 --> 00:01:52,249
See you tomorrow?
58
00:01:52,346 --> 00:01:56,346
[driving punk rock music]
59
00:01:56,450 --> 00:01:58,250
Hey, guys.
60
00:01:58,352 --> 00:02:01,522
I'm here with atheist comics,
Julie Kessler and Billy Epstein.
61
00:02:01,622 --> 00:02:04,632
You're gay; you're
a redheaded, brassy broad.
62
00:02:04,725 --> 00:02:06,155
Tell me why.
63
00:02:06,260 --> 00:02:07,530
Well, we're like
Will and Grace
64
00:02:07,628 --> 00:02:09,298
if one were a six
and the other were a seven.
65
00:02:09,397 --> 00:02:10,697
Yeah, or like Bette Midler
and Bruce Vilanch
66
00:02:10,798 --> 00:02:12,398
if they were broader.
67
00:02:12,500 --> 00:02:14,540
- If you had to choose...
- Mm-hmm.
68
00:02:14,635 --> 00:02:16,335
Lisa Rinna or Hitler?
69
00:02:16,437 --> 00:02:17,537
- Hitler.
- Hitler.
70
00:02:17,638 --> 00:02:19,408
Okay.
Now, guys, I hate God.
71
00:02:19,507 --> 00:02:21,277
Drives me crazy.
What gets you going?
72
00:02:21,375 --> 00:02:22,605
(Billy)
I hate people in the
business who are like,
73
00:02:22,710 --> 00:02:24,280
"Oh, you're so great,
74
00:02:24,378 --> 00:02:26,148
but we don't know
what to do with you."
75
00:02:26,247 --> 00:02:27,417
I'm like, "Oh, you don't know
what to do with me,
76
00:02:27,515 --> 00:02:28,475
"but you figured out
Peter Dinklage?
77
00:02:28,582 --> 00:02:30,152
Fuck you."
78
00:02:30,251 --> 00:02:31,191
Have you ever met
a girl that's like...
79
00:02:31,285 --> 00:02:32,445
Yes. Ugh.
80
00:02:32,553 --> 00:02:34,263
"Do you know what's
crazy about me?
81
00:02:34,355 --> 00:02:37,255
I, a normal-size woman,
would fuck Peter Dinklage."
82
00:02:37,358 --> 00:02:38,528
(Billy)
Isn't that amazing?
83
00:02:38,626 --> 00:02:40,326
Someone give me
a Kennedy Center honor.
84
00:02:40,428 --> 00:02:41,558
[laughing]
85
00:02:41,662 --> 00:02:44,232
(Sonny)
Man, you guys were hilarious.
86
00:02:44,332 --> 00:02:45,602
- Oh, thanks.
- Thank you.
87
00:02:45,699 --> 00:02:47,299
How come you don't have
your own podcast?
88
00:02:47,401 --> 00:02:48,441
Well, we did years ago,
89
00:02:48,536 --> 00:02:49,666
but we couldn't get
an audience.
90
00:02:49,770 --> 00:02:51,310
Yeah, we may as well
have been on NBC.
91
00:02:51,405 --> 00:02:52,505
Hi-ho.
92
00:02:52,606 --> 00:02:54,166
Well, you know,
things have changed.
93
00:02:54,275 --> 00:02:55,505
I mean, if you get
on a podcast network,
94
00:02:55,609 --> 00:02:57,449
podcast can lead
to a book deal,
95
00:02:57,545 --> 00:02:59,475
which can lead
to a basic cable holding deal,
96
00:02:59,580 --> 00:03:01,480
which can lead to Hulu,
which leads to Amazon,
97
00:03:01,582 --> 00:03:03,382
which leads
to a Golden Globe speech
98
00:03:03,484 --> 00:03:04,794
where you're thanking
the trans community.
99
00:03:04,885 --> 00:03:05,785
I like all those things.
100
00:03:05,886 --> 00:03:07,186
Except Amazon.
101
00:03:07,288 --> 00:03:08,458
They gave Woody Allen
a show,
102
00:03:08,556 --> 00:03:10,586
and they wouldn't take
my humidifier back.
103
00:03:10,691 --> 00:03:11,631
Well, if you guys
do a new podcast,
104
00:03:11,725 --> 00:03:13,325
I'll put it on my network.
105
00:03:13,427 --> 00:03:14,527
- Let's do it.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
106
00:03:14,628 --> 00:03:15,698
- Let's do it.
- Yeah.
107
00:03:15,796 --> 00:03:17,266
We're gonna have
a podcast again.
108
00:03:17,365 --> 00:03:18,465
And you're
the funniest atheists
109
00:03:18,566 --> 00:03:19,596
I've had in here
since Penn Jillette.
110
00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:20,670
- Thank you.
- Fuck you.
111
00:03:20,768 --> 00:03:21,738
We have fun.
112
00:03:21,835 --> 00:03:23,495
Then let's celebrate.
113
00:03:23,604 --> 00:03:25,414
I'm going to a bar
where podcasters hang out.
114
00:03:25,506 --> 00:03:26,606
- Oh, wow!
- Ooh.
115
00:03:26,707 --> 00:03:28,637
That sounds pretty crazy.
116
00:03:28,742 --> 00:03:30,482
Oh, trivia night's insane.
117
00:03:30,578 --> 00:03:33,478
Sarah Koenig wore shorts
with tights one time.
118
00:03:33,581 --> 00:03:37,321
[rock music]
119
00:03:37,418 --> 00:03:38,648
(Julie)
Babies.
120
00:03:38,752 --> 00:03:40,622
So what are we going
wear to the podcast bar?
121
00:03:40,721 --> 00:03:43,421
Oh, Julie, we could wear
an adult diaper
122
00:03:43,524 --> 00:03:44,634
and a Kevin Smith hockey jersey
123
00:03:44,725 --> 00:03:46,655
and still be
the coolest ones there.
124
00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:48,230
Are you going to bring Carl?
125
00:03:48,329 --> 00:03:49,759
Ugh, I don't know.
126
00:03:49,863 --> 00:03:52,673
I liked him better when he was
just a stranger with a big dick.
127
00:03:52,766 --> 00:03:55,366
Now he's a nice person.
128
00:03:55,469 --> 00:03:56,769
Okay.
129
00:03:56,870 --> 00:03:58,440
More importantly, podcast.
130
00:03:58,539 --> 00:03:59,709
How are we going
to afford equipment?
131
00:03:59,807 --> 00:04:01,807
I bet my mom
still has those mics.
132
00:04:01,909 --> 00:04:05,309
Do you remember last year when
she did that that hypnosis CD?
133
00:04:05,413 --> 00:04:06,753
Oh, my God,
how could I forget?
134
00:04:06,847 --> 00:04:08,477
She was so upset when Starbucks
refused to carry it.
135
00:04:08,582 --> 00:04:09,522
I know,
and the last five tracks
136
00:04:09,617 --> 00:04:11,417
were of her singing standards.
137
00:04:13,587 --> 00:04:14,857
(Floy)
Who am I?
138
00:04:14,955 --> 00:04:17,685
I am nothing
without my husband.
139
00:04:17,791 --> 00:04:20,391
(Floy)
I am nobody alone.
140
00:04:20,494 --> 00:04:21,864
(Hazel)
Divorce.
141
00:04:21,962 --> 00:04:23,262
(Floy)
Divorce.
142
00:04:23,364 --> 00:04:24,674
The vorce.
143
00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:28,835
May the vorce
be with him?
144
00:04:28,936 --> 00:04:30,296
Mom, what's going on?
145
00:04:30,404 --> 00:04:32,414
Honey, I am working.
146
00:04:32,506 --> 00:04:34,676
Ladies, continue.
147
00:04:34,775 --> 00:04:37,375
I started this drama therapy
group for divorced women
148
00:04:37,478 --> 00:04:39,348
to come together
to empower themselves
149
00:04:39,447 --> 00:04:41,277
through theater exercises.
150
00:04:41,382 --> 00:04:43,682
Floy and Hazel are the only
people that haven't dropped out.
151
00:04:43,784 --> 00:04:45,724
Floy, bring it down.
152
00:04:45,819 --> 00:04:47,559
These are real people.
153
00:04:47,655 --> 00:04:49,415
(Julie)
So now you guys
are putting on a play?
154
00:04:49,523 --> 00:04:51,333
Do you know how much money
Menopause The Musical
155
00:04:51,425 --> 00:04:53,325
has made in this
godforsaken country?
156
00:04:53,427 --> 00:04:54,897
Listen, I just came
to borrow your microphones.
157
00:04:54,995 --> 00:04:57,395
We'll talk about it
after we finish act four.
158
00:04:57,498 --> 00:04:58,698
Good.
159
00:04:58,799 --> 00:05:00,529
Hazel, I'm feeling
something, finally.
160
00:05:00,634 --> 00:05:01,744
Hey, what's up?
161
00:05:01,835 --> 00:05:03,695
Get off the phone, Billy.
162
00:05:03,804 --> 00:05:05,774
I'm so sorry to ask,
but I'm stuck at my mom's.
163
00:05:05,873 --> 00:05:07,483
Could you please pick up
164
00:05:07,575 --> 00:05:09,435
Senator Jellybeans and Greg
from the groomer?
165
00:05:09,543 --> 00:05:10,643
Julie,
we have an understanding.
166
00:05:10,744 --> 00:05:12,414
You don't ask me
to deal with your dogs.
167
00:05:12,513 --> 00:05:13,613
I know, and you don't ask me
to go to the gym.
168
00:05:13,714 --> 00:05:14,854
And I appreciate
those boundaries,
169
00:05:14,948 --> 00:05:15,848
but I'm really in a pinch.
170
00:05:15,949 --> 00:05:17,449
It's freezing.
171
00:05:17,551 --> 00:05:18,651
Where am I supposed
to take your dogs?
172
00:05:18,752 --> 00:05:19,722
Can you take them
to that indoor dog run
173
00:05:19,820 --> 00:05:20,790
on Delancey?
174
00:05:20,888 --> 00:05:21,858
Get off the phone, Billy.
175
00:05:21,955 --> 00:05:23,455
All right. Fine.
176
00:05:23,557 --> 00:05:24,857
No problem.
Actually, it's good.
177
00:05:24,958 --> 00:05:26,588
It'll get me away from Matthew
and his boyfriend.
178
00:05:26,694 --> 00:05:27,804
You should see
what's happening here.
179
00:05:27,895 --> 00:05:29,495
It's like Russian nesting dolls
180
00:05:29,597 --> 00:05:31,927
covered in fur, liver spots,
and smegma.
181
00:05:32,032 --> 00:05:34,772
Barry, can we do
Rent again tonight?
182
00:05:34,868 --> 00:05:36,398
We can sing Light My Candle
183
00:05:36,504 --> 00:05:39,344
and order from that
mush place you like.
184
00:05:39,440 --> 00:05:40,840
- Who's my baby?
- We are.
185
00:05:40,941 --> 00:05:42,641
[both smooching]
186
00:05:42,743 --> 00:05:44,383
It's the most disgusting thing
I've ever seen.
187
00:05:44,478 --> 00:05:45,548
I'll talk to you later.
188
00:05:45,646 --> 00:05:47,476
(Denise)
Matthew,
what have I told you
189
00:05:47,581 --> 00:05:48,951
about bringing your dog
into the café?
190
00:05:49,049 --> 00:05:50,649
- That I'm...
- You're...
191
00:05:50,751 --> 00:05:52,891
(both)
The only one
allowed to do it.
192
00:05:52,986 --> 00:05:56,716
Oh, Matthew,
I appreciate you.
193
00:05:56,824 --> 00:05:58,964
Billy, table nine
needs their check.
194
00:05:59,059 --> 00:06:02,399
* I'm just wild about Barry
195
00:06:02,496 --> 00:06:05,626
(both)
* And Barry's wild about me
196
00:06:05,733 --> 00:06:06,673
Take it, Denise.
197
00:06:06,767 --> 00:06:08,437
* He's just wild about
198
00:06:08,536 --> 00:06:09,896
* Cannot do without
199
00:06:10,003 --> 00:06:13,513
(all)
* He's just wild about me
200
00:06:13,607 --> 00:06:14,907
Up here. I'm up here.
201
00:06:15,008 --> 00:06:18,678
(all)
* Me
202
00:06:18,779 --> 00:06:20,909
What the fuck
is going on here?
203
00:06:21,014 --> 00:06:22,884
(all)
* Me
204
00:06:22,983 --> 00:06:26,453
[driving rock music]
205
00:06:26,554 --> 00:06:28,994
(Billy)
Hey, dogs.
Here we are at the dog park.
206
00:06:29,089 --> 00:06:30,689
Oh, look.
Other dogs like you.
207
00:06:30,791 --> 00:06:31,891
What a thrill.
208
00:06:31,992 --> 00:06:33,732
Oh, well,
oh, that one got out.
209
00:06:33,827 --> 00:06:35,527
That's too bad.
All right.
210
00:06:35,629 --> 00:06:38,399
(Billy)
Oh, yep.
Have fun.
211
00:06:38,499 --> 00:06:41,399
(man over PA)
Welcome to the Delancey
indoor dog park.
212
00:06:41,502 --> 00:06:43,802
Please clean up after your pet.
213
00:06:53,514 --> 00:06:54,624
[dog barks]
214
00:06:54,715 --> 00:06:56,745
- Hey.
- Hey, what's up?
215
00:06:56,850 --> 00:06:59,690
I know this is crazy.
We just met.
216
00:06:59,787 --> 00:07:03,487
But I was wondering if you--
I don't know--
217
00:07:03,591 --> 00:07:05,491
wanted to jerk off together
behind this building?
218
00:07:05,593 --> 00:07:06,833
Yeah. I would do that.
219
00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:08,427
Great.
220
00:07:10,531 --> 00:07:11,701
Very good.
221
00:07:11,799 --> 00:07:13,099
Let's reconvene in ten
for notes.
222
00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:16,200
I have plenty.
223
00:07:16,303 --> 00:07:19,743
(Julie)
So, mom, about those
microphones for my new podcast.
224
00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:22,110
I have to ask the housekeeper
to dig them up,
225
00:07:22,209 --> 00:07:23,609
and I don't like talking to her.
226
00:07:23,711 --> 00:07:25,111
(Julie)
But I want to start
a podcast.
227
00:07:25,212 --> 00:07:26,682
If I don't get them from you,
228
00:07:26,780 --> 00:07:28,480
what am I supposed to do,
buy them used?
229
00:07:28,582 --> 00:07:29,852
No. Of course not.
230
00:07:29,950 --> 00:07:32,220
Anything used
is crawling with bedbugs.
231
00:07:32,319 --> 00:07:33,819
You know they found them
on the 7 train?
232
00:07:33,921 --> 00:07:36,521
And the South Street Seaport
Abercrombie.
233
00:07:36,624 --> 00:07:37,864
Well, that was an act of God.
234
00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:40,128
[laughs]
Oh, fine.
235
00:07:40,227 --> 00:07:42,127
But in exchange,
will you do me a favor
236
00:07:42,229 --> 00:07:43,599
and come to see my play?
237
00:07:43,697 --> 00:07:45,227
Um...
238
00:07:45,332 --> 00:07:47,172
Now, isn't that interesting
239
00:07:47,267 --> 00:07:49,497
that you cannot be supportive
when it's my time to shine?
240
00:07:49,603 --> 00:07:51,143
I try to be supportive
of you...
241
00:07:51,238 --> 00:07:53,208
You know how many times
I've come to see your shows?
242
00:07:53,306 --> 00:07:54,706
That's true,
and I appreciate that.
243
00:07:54,808 --> 00:07:56,208
You know how long
I have worked on this?
244
00:07:56,309 --> 00:07:57,749
Fine. Yes. I'll be there.
245
00:07:57,845 --> 00:07:59,245
- I'm sorry.
- Wonderful.
246
00:07:59,346 --> 00:08:01,876
Please, distribute these
to all your showbiz friends.
247
00:08:01,982 --> 00:08:03,752
Esmeralda!
248
00:08:03,851 --> 00:08:07,151
Micrófonos!
249
00:08:07,254 --> 00:08:10,724
[dog barks]
250
00:08:10,824 --> 00:08:11,834
That was really hot.
251
00:08:11,925 --> 00:08:12,925
We should do that again
tomorrow.
252
00:08:13,026 --> 00:08:14,756
I am definitely
up for that.
253
00:08:14,862 --> 00:08:16,632
Excuse me.
254
00:08:16,730 --> 00:08:17,900
Are these your basset hounds?
255
00:08:17,998 --> 00:08:19,268
While you were gone,
they attacked me.
256
00:08:19,366 --> 00:08:20,696
What are you talking about?
257
00:08:20,801 --> 00:08:21,841
You can't just leave
aggressive dogs
258
00:08:21,935 --> 00:08:22,935
unattended, dummy.
259
00:08:23,036 --> 00:08:24,566
- Asshole.
- I'm so sorry.
260
00:08:24,672 --> 00:08:25,642
Who's gonna pay
for the doctor?
261
00:08:25,739 --> 00:08:26,639
I can't afford this.
262
00:08:26,740 --> 00:08:27,810
It was my idea to leave.
263
00:08:27,908 --> 00:08:28,938
I'll pay for your doctors.
264
00:08:29,042 --> 00:08:30,582
No. It's my responsibility.
265
00:08:30,678 --> 00:08:31,778
Here, take everything I have.
266
00:08:31,879 --> 00:08:33,509
I am so sorry.
267
00:08:33,614 --> 00:08:35,224
(Billy)
Oh, my God.
You're bleeding.
268
00:08:35,315 --> 00:08:36,975
[rock music]
269
00:08:37,084 --> 00:08:39,654
I just can't believe
they bit somebody.
270
00:08:39,753 --> 00:08:41,523
They've never bitten
anyone before.
271
00:08:41,622 --> 00:08:42,792
I know. I know.
272
00:08:42,890 --> 00:08:43,860
I was a little distracted
at the time,
273
00:08:43,957 --> 00:08:45,527
but I'm so sorry.
274
00:08:45,626 --> 00:08:47,926
- I feel terrible.
- It's okay.
275
00:08:48,028 --> 00:08:49,798
Oh, my God.
276
00:08:49,897 --> 00:08:54,597
HappyHour37 just called me
Kathy Griffin with less jokes.
277
00:08:54,702 --> 00:08:57,542
Julie, put your phone down and
look at these mutant podcasters.
278
00:08:57,638 --> 00:09:00,538
[driving rock music]
279
00:09:00,641 --> 00:09:08,021
*
280
00:09:08,115 --> 00:09:10,215
Oh, Julie, Billy!
281
00:09:10,317 --> 00:09:12,847
(Sonny)
Oh, man, I'm glad
you guys came.
282
00:09:12,953 --> 00:09:14,693
I've been telling everybody
about you.
283
00:09:14,788 --> 00:09:15,958
They cannot wait to meet you.
284
00:09:16,056 --> 00:09:17,626
- Oh, awesome. Thank you.
- Oh, great.
285
00:09:17,725 --> 00:09:19,685
- This is Arthur.
- Hey, man.
286
00:09:19,793 --> 00:09:22,033
(Julie)
And we're just waiting
on Billy's date, Carl.
287
00:09:22,129 --> 00:09:23,959
No, we're not. I told him
I had food poisoning.
288
00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:25,004
He's too nice.
289
00:09:25,098 --> 00:09:26,598
Good one, man. Good one.
290
00:09:26,700 --> 00:09:28,000
Why not lie?
291
00:09:28,101 --> 00:09:29,741
Because there's no heaven
and there's no hell.
292
00:09:29,837 --> 00:09:31,737
Yeah, because guess what.
293
00:09:31,839 --> 00:09:33,809
Punch line here.
294
00:09:33,907 --> 00:09:35,777
(both)
There's no God!
295
00:09:35,876 --> 00:09:37,036
Yeah.
296
00:09:37,144 --> 00:09:39,684
- There we go.
[laughter]
297
00:09:39,780 --> 00:09:40,980
Pushpin, what's going on?
298
00:09:41,081 --> 00:09:42,581
Hey.
These them?
299
00:09:42,683 --> 00:09:43,853
Yep, this is Billy,
and this is Julie.
300
00:09:43,951 --> 00:09:45,621
- How you doing?
- And this is Jenny Miller.
301
00:09:45,719 --> 00:09:47,349
(Sonny)
She hosts a quiz podcast
302
00:09:47,454 --> 00:09:48,964
called No, No, Take It Back.
303
00:09:49,056 --> 00:09:50,916
And this is Brett Glass.
304
00:09:51,024 --> 00:09:52,664
No relation to Ira.
305
00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:54,360
[laughter]
306
00:09:54,461 --> 00:09:56,661
(Sonny)
He hosts a podcast
called Bros Dissing Shows.
307
00:09:56,764 --> 00:09:58,004
(Brett)
My three brothers and I,
308
00:09:58,098 --> 00:10:00,698
we go to bad theater
ironically and rip them apart.
309
00:10:00,801 --> 00:10:02,871
Well, here is
your next episode.
310
00:10:02,970 --> 00:10:05,070
My mother directed a play.
311
00:10:05,172 --> 00:10:06,972
(Julie)
Seriously?
It's your funeral.
312
00:10:07,074 --> 00:10:08,084
Oh, no.
313
00:10:08,175 --> 00:10:09,705
- What's wrong?
- I have to go.
314
00:10:09,810 --> 00:10:11,310
That's Angela Peasley
from NPR.
315
00:10:11,411 --> 00:10:15,051
Arthur, the whole NPR/PBS
rivalry is in your head.
316
00:10:15,148 --> 00:10:17,078
Don't mock, tambourine.
We really hate each other.
317
00:10:17,184 --> 00:10:18,994
(Sonny)
I'm with you, Artie.
318
00:10:19,086 --> 00:10:21,016
Those NPR folks think they're
better than everybody else
319
00:10:21,121 --> 00:10:23,691
just because their shows
get millions of downloads?
320
00:10:23,791 --> 00:10:24,931
[scoffs]
Please.
321
00:10:25,025 --> 00:10:26,955
Seriously, like,
millions of downloads?
322
00:10:27,060 --> 00:10:29,630
Oh, multiple millions.
323
00:10:29,730 --> 00:10:31,030
- Let's get a round of drinks.
- Yeah.
324
00:10:31,131 --> 00:10:33,671
Let's get our fucking
asses on NPR.
325
00:10:36,269 --> 00:10:37,809
(Billy)
Angela, how crazy is it
that we met tonight,
326
00:10:37,905 --> 00:10:38,935
don't you think?
327
00:10:39,039 --> 00:10:40,769
We are NPR people.
328
00:10:40,874 --> 00:10:41,984
- Do you understand?
- All the way.
329
00:10:42,075 --> 00:10:44,375
(Billy)
We like crossword puzzles.
330
00:10:44,477 --> 00:10:46,247
Beans in bulk,
331
00:10:46,346 --> 00:10:48,376
a cardigan sweater
that you put in the wash once
332
00:10:48,481 --> 00:10:49,951
and it already starts to pill.
333
00:10:50,050 --> 00:10:52,290
Yeah, a cat that sleeps
on your face.
334
00:10:52,385 --> 00:10:53,945
(Julie)
Um, um...
335
00:10:54,054 --> 00:10:55,994
- Tom's of Maine.
- Books.
336
00:10:56,089 --> 00:10:57,729
(Billy)
Oh!
337
00:10:57,825 --> 00:10:58,885
Books.
338
00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:00,262
We love books.
339
00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:01,700
- We love books.
- You have no idea.
340
00:11:01,795 --> 00:11:02,995
I love books too.
341
00:11:03,096 --> 00:11:04,896
I love books so much,
Angela,
342
00:11:04,998 --> 00:11:06,768
I have tote bags at home,
343
00:11:06,867 --> 00:11:08,337
and they just say funny things
about books,
344
00:11:08,435 --> 00:11:09,835
like, "Leave me alone.
I'm reading."
345
00:11:09,937 --> 00:11:11,297
(Billy)
Yes, yes, yes, and,
346
00:11:11,404 --> 00:11:12,744
"Give me of book and a cat
on a rainy day,
347
00:11:12,840 --> 00:11:13,810
and, boy, am I in heaven."
348
00:11:13,907 --> 00:11:14,877
- Aw.
[laughter]
349
00:11:14,975 --> 00:11:18,875
Public radio, ooh.
350
00:11:18,979 --> 00:11:20,809
Oh, my God, poem books--
love those!
351
00:11:20,914 --> 00:11:22,284
Ogden Nash.
352
00:11:22,382 --> 00:11:24,022
- Nash Bridges.
- What is your podcast about?
353
00:11:24,117 --> 00:11:25,817
(both)
Books.
354
00:11:25,919 --> 00:11:27,389
But I thought you said
your show is about atheism.
355
00:11:27,487 --> 00:11:28,717
Atheism and books.
356
00:11:28,822 --> 00:11:30,022
Mostly books.
357
00:11:30,123 --> 00:11:31,763
(Arthur)
What you have
to understand
358
00:11:31,859 --> 00:11:34,029
is that the rivalry
between PBS and NPR
359
00:11:34,127 --> 00:11:35,997
goes back hundreds of years
360
00:11:36,096 --> 00:11:37,966
if not thousands,
and I could just--
361
00:11:38,065 --> 00:11:42,035
You should be a guest
on our podcast about books.
362
00:11:42,135 --> 00:11:43,765
- Yes.
- We can interview you.
363
00:11:43,871 --> 00:11:45,911
- You have to.
- That is very flattering.
364
00:11:46,006 --> 00:11:49,006
I mean, no one asks the curator
of a podcast network
365
00:11:49,109 --> 00:11:50,379
to be the guest on a podcast.
366
00:11:50,477 --> 00:11:51,777
- Why?
- That is fucked up.
367
00:11:51,879 --> 00:11:53,109
What?
368
00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:54,753
You are clearly podcast
guest material.
369
00:11:54,848 --> 00:11:56,018
It's written all over
your clothes
370
00:11:56,116 --> 00:11:58,416
and your hair
and your shoes.
371
00:11:59,820 --> 00:12:04,060
[punk rock music]
372
00:12:04,157 --> 00:12:06,327
(Julie)
I'm worried we still don't
have enough books.
373
00:12:06,426 --> 00:12:08,496
The apartment needs
to look more NPR-y.
374
00:12:08,595 --> 00:12:09,925
Well, Angela's not
coming over
375
00:12:10,030 --> 00:12:11,770
for her interview
until tomorrow.
376
00:12:11,865 --> 00:12:13,825
We have time to get
more dusty crap by then.
377
00:12:13,934 --> 00:12:14,904
You think so?
378
00:12:15,002 --> 00:12:17,942
[electronic beeping]
379
00:12:18,038 --> 00:12:19,408
Ugh, it's Sonny
calling again.
380
00:12:19,506 --> 00:12:21,006
You think he knows
we're shopping around
381
00:12:21,108 --> 00:12:22,408
for a new podcast network?
382
00:12:22,509 --> 00:12:24,479
I don't know what
podcasters can intuit.
383
00:12:24,577 --> 00:12:27,107
I'll just keep dodging his calls
until we get on NPR.
384
00:12:27,214 --> 00:12:28,954
I am back from the bookstore,
lozenge.
385
00:12:29,049 --> 00:12:31,079
[gasps]
Thank you, Arthur.
386
00:12:31,184 --> 00:12:33,454
Oh, my God, these books
look amazing.
387
00:12:33,553 --> 00:12:34,993
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.
388
00:12:35,088 --> 00:12:36,358
Oh, these are definitely
going to make us
389
00:12:36,456 --> 00:12:38,126
look like serious readers.
390
00:12:38,225 --> 00:12:40,385
Yes, just let it be known
that I disapprove of your
391
00:12:40,493 --> 00:12:43,803
redecorating the apartment
to appease the enemy, NPR.
392
00:12:43,897 --> 00:12:45,427
I appreciate your sacrifice.
393
00:12:45,532 --> 00:12:47,802
You're welcome, spinach.
394
00:12:47,901 --> 00:12:49,371
(Billy)
Any more from
your Internet stalker?
395
00:12:49,469 --> 00:12:50,499
Any nasty comments?
396
00:12:50,603 --> 00:12:52,143
Oh, yes, as a matter of fact.
397
00:12:52,239 --> 00:12:54,809
That troll found my private
Facebook page this morning
398
00:12:54,908 --> 00:12:57,538
and wrote the word "anus"
on every one of my photos.
399
00:12:57,644 --> 00:12:59,484
Oh, I think
she's flirting with you.
400
00:12:59,579 --> 00:13:01,879
I dared her to say
whatever she had to say to me
401
00:13:01,982 --> 00:13:04,082
to my face
and meet up in person.
402
00:13:04,184 --> 00:13:05,524
I don't know if she lives
in New York or wherever.
403
00:13:05,618 --> 00:13:07,118
You know what's gonna happen.
404
00:13:07,220 --> 00:13:08,990
It's gonna end up like
every sitcom ever.
405
00:13:09,089 --> 00:13:10,819
You mean she's going to end up
being an obese shut-in
406
00:13:10,924 --> 00:13:12,534
or Nev from Catfish?
407
00:13:12,625 --> 00:13:14,155
Yeah, or it's going to end up
being like a child or something.
408
00:13:14,261 --> 00:13:15,561
Oh, right. Right.
409
00:13:15,662 --> 00:13:17,002
You know, your bully
is going to end up being
410
00:13:17,097 --> 00:13:18,197
more of a bigger loser
than you are.
411
00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:19,828
You're going to feel bad.
412
00:13:19,933 --> 00:13:21,003
Then you'll want
to bond with them.
413
00:13:21,101 --> 00:13:23,841
Oh, my God, Billy.
She wrote back.
414
00:13:23,937 --> 00:13:25,407
DM from HappyHour37.
415
00:13:25,505 --> 00:13:27,165
She wants to meet me
at a restaurant in Midtown.
416
00:13:27,274 --> 00:13:28,544
Whoa.
417
00:13:28,641 --> 00:13:30,541
She says, "Restaurants
serve food,
418
00:13:30,643 --> 00:13:33,183
so you'll be happy,
ginger piggy."
419
00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:34,510
Oh, you know,
that's how my dad
420
00:13:34,614 --> 00:13:36,154
asked my mom out
on their first date.
421
00:13:36,249 --> 00:13:37,149
Oh, really?
422
00:13:37,250 --> 00:13:40,150
[upbeat rock music]
423
00:13:40,253 --> 00:13:48,163
*
424
00:13:52,665 --> 00:13:55,035
Call me HappyHour37.
425
00:13:55,135 --> 00:13:56,165
Kathie Lee Gifford?
426
00:13:58,071 --> 00:14:00,041
There's no way
you're not pranking me.
427
00:14:00,140 --> 00:14:01,440
Pranks aren't my thing.
428
00:14:01,541 --> 00:14:03,141
You're thinking
of Kelly Ripa.
429
00:14:03,243 --> 00:14:06,383
But why would anybody
as famous and successful as you
430
00:14:06,479 --> 00:14:08,179
start an anonymous
commenter account
431
00:14:08,281 --> 00:14:10,181
just to trash some nobody?
432
00:14:10,283 --> 00:14:12,023
Well, not just any nobody.
433
00:14:12,119 --> 00:14:16,419
Julie, you represent
the absolute worst
434
00:14:16,523 --> 00:14:17,993
in an audience member.
435
00:14:18,091 --> 00:14:20,531
The only reason
that you watch television
436
00:14:20,627 --> 00:14:22,857
or go to the movies or,
when you can afford it,
437
00:14:22,963 --> 00:14:26,103
the theater is so
you can tear it down.
438
00:14:26,199 --> 00:14:27,569
No. That's not true.
439
00:14:27,667 --> 00:14:29,397
I want things to be good.
440
00:14:29,502 --> 00:14:30,642
People have been
making fun of me
441
00:14:30,737 --> 00:14:33,867
since before
the Internet existed.
442
00:14:33,974 --> 00:14:35,414
I know people like you.
443
00:14:35,508 --> 00:14:37,608
You just want to be funny,
don't you?
444
00:14:37,710 --> 00:14:39,980
But you can't be funny,
can you?
445
00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:42,880
Unless you rag on somebody.
446
00:14:42,983 --> 00:14:45,453
Aim higher.
447
00:14:45,552 --> 00:14:47,592
I feel like after this,
you're just going to disappear
448
00:14:47,687 --> 00:14:49,987
into glitter
and leave me here.
449
00:14:50,090 --> 00:14:51,620
Well, I do have tickets
for Mamma Mia!, but--
450
00:14:51,724 --> 00:14:52,894
Oh.
451
00:14:52,993 --> 00:14:54,133
But before I go,
452
00:14:54,227 --> 00:14:55,627
I want to leave you
with a challenge.
453
00:14:55,728 --> 00:14:57,558
Anything, Kathie Lee Gifford.
454
00:14:57,664 --> 00:15:01,534
Be the kind of audience member
who has an open heart.
455
00:15:01,634 --> 00:15:05,614
"Intend to enjoy
and judge nothing,"
456
00:15:05,705 --> 00:15:07,165
as Goldie Hawn once said.
457
00:15:07,274 --> 00:15:09,444
And then she turned around
and made Housesitter.
458
00:15:09,542 --> 00:15:10,912
See, there you go.
459
00:15:11,011 --> 00:15:12,651
You just can't help yourself,
can you?
460
00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:15,045
You're right. I'm sorry.
461
00:15:15,148 --> 00:15:18,448
I'm gonna carry this advice
into my new podcast as well.
462
00:15:18,551 --> 00:15:20,491
Thank you for meeting me.
463
00:15:20,587 --> 00:15:22,057
You're welcome.
464
00:15:22,155 --> 00:15:24,485
I'll see you on the Internet,
Fat Reba.
465
00:15:24,591 --> 00:15:26,091
[Kathie laughs]
466
00:15:26,193 --> 00:15:28,633
Oh, there is one last thing
I want you to know.
467
00:15:28,728 --> 00:15:30,628
God loves you.
468
00:15:30,730 --> 00:15:32,630
Even you.
469
00:15:35,235 --> 00:15:38,205
[funky music]
470
00:15:38,305 --> 00:15:44,035
*
471
00:15:44,144 --> 00:15:45,614
Billy.
472
00:15:45,712 --> 00:15:47,282
Fancy running
into you here.
473
00:15:47,380 --> 00:15:50,020
Carl, what's happening?
474
00:15:50,117 --> 00:15:51,217
Doing some shopping, I see.
475
00:15:51,318 --> 00:15:53,188
Guilty. How's your stomach?
476
00:15:53,286 --> 00:15:55,256
Is it feeling better
than the other night?
477
00:15:55,355 --> 00:15:57,285
Oh, yeah. Yes. It is.
478
00:15:57,390 --> 00:15:59,230
Oh, my God, food poisoning
is the worst.
479
00:15:59,326 --> 00:16:00,556
Oh, you've got
to stop eating takeout.
480
00:16:00,660 --> 00:16:02,100
I know.
481
00:16:02,195 --> 00:16:03,625
Hey, why don't you come
over some night this week?
482
00:16:03,730 --> 00:16:05,000
- I'll cook you dinner.
- Maybe.
483
00:16:05,098 --> 00:16:06,728
For sure. I am so sorry.
I got to go.
484
00:16:06,833 --> 00:16:09,103
Oh, don't be sorry.
You go do you.
485
00:16:09,202 --> 00:16:11,242
Okay.
486
00:16:14,641 --> 00:16:18,181
[rock music]
487
00:16:18,278 --> 00:16:20,278
What's going on?
488
00:16:20,380 --> 00:16:21,510
- Is this your dog?
- It bit me.
489
00:16:21,614 --> 00:16:23,084
(man)
Me too.
490
00:16:23,183 --> 00:16:24,653
You can't just leave
an aggressive dog unattended.
491
00:16:24,751 --> 00:16:26,221
Where were you, dummy?
492
00:16:26,319 --> 00:16:27,649
(man)
Who's gonna pay
for this, huh?
493
00:16:27,754 --> 00:16:29,264
Is this a scam?
494
00:16:29,356 --> 00:16:31,016
A scam? Oh, man.
495
00:16:31,124 --> 00:16:33,534
I mean, if coming
to a dog park
496
00:16:33,626 --> 00:16:36,026
to take advantage
of sad, lonely gay guys
497
00:16:36,129 --> 00:16:37,629
with the offer
of mutual jerking off
498
00:16:37,730 --> 00:16:39,670
and then having
your a cappella group
499
00:16:39,766 --> 00:16:42,696
extort as much money as possible
from them is a scam,
500
00:16:42,802 --> 00:16:45,672
then maybe, but I wouldn't
use that word.
501
00:16:45,772 --> 00:16:47,172
You're telling me
I blew off a nice guy for,
502
00:16:47,274 --> 00:16:48,544
what, a prostitute?
503
00:16:48,641 --> 00:16:50,011
- Hey.
- That's what you are.
504
00:16:50,110 --> 00:16:51,680
You're a prostitute
except with more steps.
505
00:16:51,778 --> 00:16:53,208
Hey, hey, don't give
them your money.
506
00:16:53,313 --> 00:16:54,213
It's a scam.
507
00:16:54,314 --> 00:16:56,784
- Billy?
- Matthew?
508
00:16:56,883 --> 00:16:58,293
Please, please, please,
don't tell Barry.
509
00:16:58,385 --> 00:17:00,085
He can't take the stress.
510
00:17:00,187 --> 00:17:01,347
- He's so close to death.
- Are you kidding me?
511
00:17:01,454 --> 00:17:03,024
You jerked off Matthew?
512
00:17:03,123 --> 00:17:05,023
You two know each other?
This city...
513
00:17:05,125 --> 00:17:09,295
It takes a real creep to spoil
some innocent, public jerk-off.
514
00:17:09,396 --> 00:17:12,296
Everyone who does a cappella
is a sick pervert.
515
00:17:12,399 --> 00:17:15,169
(Julie)
I knew my dogs wouldn't
have bitten three strangers.
516
00:17:15,268 --> 00:17:17,298
Their assholes.
They're not monsters.
517
00:17:17,404 --> 00:17:18,714
I don't think
you're paying attention
518
00:17:18,805 --> 00:17:20,265
to the right parts
of the story.
519
00:17:20,373 --> 00:17:22,113
I'm sorry that
your sexy stranger
520
00:17:22,209 --> 00:17:25,179
turned out to be a con man
who hooked up with Matthew.
521
00:17:25,278 --> 00:17:27,178
- [sighs]
- But look on the bright side.
522
00:17:27,280 --> 00:17:28,720
You got a second chance
with a nice guy.
523
00:17:28,815 --> 00:17:30,645
- Hi.
- Hey.
524
00:17:30,750 --> 00:17:32,220
So glad this
worked out.
525
00:17:32,319 --> 00:17:33,589
Yeah.
Thanks for coming.
526
00:17:33,686 --> 00:17:35,686
So what play
are we seeing?
527
00:17:35,788 --> 00:17:37,188
Oh, my God.
Okay, so--
528
00:17:37,290 --> 00:17:40,360
No. I made a promise
to Kathie Lee Gifford.
529
00:17:40,460 --> 00:17:43,130
Let's watch it
with an open mind.
530
00:17:43,230 --> 00:17:44,330
Love that.
531
00:17:44,431 --> 00:17:48,341
[jazzy instrumental music]
532
00:17:48,435 --> 00:17:50,795
I am alone.
533
00:17:50,903 --> 00:17:52,313
I am unloved.
534
00:17:52,405 --> 00:17:53,765
My husband is gone.
535
00:17:53,873 --> 00:17:56,083
Uh-oh.
536
00:17:56,176 --> 00:17:59,206
I never would have gotten
through this without you.
537
00:17:59,312 --> 00:18:03,182
You are the most
brilliant person alive.
538
00:18:03,283 --> 00:18:05,353
I'm just a woman.
539
00:18:05,452 --> 00:18:08,222
I'm an extraordinary woman.
540
00:18:08,321 --> 00:18:12,431
* I've helped
so many women *
541
00:18:12,525 --> 00:18:15,085
* Just by being
an example *
542
00:18:15,195 --> 00:18:16,325
[gentle piano music]
543
00:18:16,429 --> 00:18:19,399
* Whenever you are hurting
544
00:18:19,499 --> 00:18:22,269
* Think of me
545
00:18:22,369 --> 00:18:24,669
* Me
546
00:18:24,771 --> 00:18:26,241
[whispers] Me.
547
00:18:26,339 --> 00:18:28,309
*
548
00:18:28,408 --> 00:18:31,278
[scattered applause]
549
00:18:35,515 --> 00:18:37,645
Well, I'll say this.
550
00:18:37,750 --> 00:18:39,420
It was long,
but in her defense,
551
00:18:39,519 --> 00:18:41,789
it was also
very, very slow.
552
00:18:41,888 --> 00:18:43,318
Thank you for coming.
553
00:18:43,423 --> 00:18:45,193
Thank you. Hello.
554
00:18:45,292 --> 00:18:46,362
Thank you.
555
00:18:46,459 --> 00:18:47,659
What did you think?
556
00:18:51,464 --> 00:18:52,674
You hated it.
557
00:18:52,765 --> 00:18:53,825
For what it's worth,
558
00:18:53,933 --> 00:18:55,403
it looked like it was
really hard to do,
559
00:18:55,502 --> 00:18:57,472
so good job, Mom.
560
00:18:57,570 --> 00:18:59,840
Yeah. It was.
561
00:19:02,975 --> 00:19:04,375
Oh, there's my doorman.
562
00:19:04,477 --> 00:19:05,907
Oh, of course.
563
00:19:06,012 --> 00:19:07,752
- Remind me--
- Hey, Julie, Billy.
564
00:19:07,847 --> 00:19:10,217
Oh, my God, Sonny.
What are you doing here?
565
00:19:10,317 --> 00:19:12,417
Oh, I called you a bunch of
times and told you I was coming.
566
00:19:12,519 --> 00:19:14,719
- You never called back.
- Oh, God. I'm sorry.
567
00:19:14,821 --> 00:19:16,691
I was beginning to think
you were gonna blow me off
568
00:19:16,789 --> 00:19:18,459
the way you
blew off that loser
569
00:19:18,558 --> 00:19:20,328
that you didn't want
to go out with
570
00:19:20,427 --> 00:19:21,787
so you pretended
to have food poisoning.
571
00:19:21,894 --> 00:19:23,164
[Sonny laughs]
572
00:19:23,263 --> 00:19:25,163
You know what, Billy?
573
00:19:25,265 --> 00:19:28,435
Go fuck yourself.
574
00:19:28,535 --> 00:19:30,295
Hey, before I go,
can I meet your mom?
575
00:19:30,403 --> 00:19:31,403
Why?
576
00:19:31,504 --> 00:19:32,944
I mean, a shrink
who directs, writes,
577
00:19:33,039 --> 00:19:33,939
and has no legs?
578
00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:35,440
Oh, my no God,
579
00:19:35,542 --> 00:19:37,312
introduce me
to that woman.
580
00:19:37,410 --> 00:19:38,480
Did I hear compliments?
581
00:19:38,578 --> 00:19:39,778
Hello.
582
00:19:39,879 --> 00:19:41,249
I'm Julie's mom.
583
00:19:41,348 --> 00:19:43,318
You have legs.
584
00:19:43,416 --> 00:19:44,946
Fresh.
585
00:19:45,051 --> 00:19:47,291
- Oh, dear God, help us.
- We're going to hell.
586
00:19:47,387 --> 00:19:49,517
I knew you weren't
atheists either.
587
00:19:49,622 --> 00:19:52,332
You can go fuck yourselves.
588
00:19:52,425 --> 00:19:55,725
Oh, it's so great
having fans.
589
00:19:55,828 --> 00:19:57,328
Oh, there's Floy.
590
00:19:57,430 --> 00:20:00,470
Oh, that poor thing.
She's had such a tough year.
591
00:20:00,567 --> 00:20:02,867
Her husband left her,
and then she got bedbugs.
592
00:20:02,969 --> 00:20:04,339
- What?
- Yeah.
593
00:20:04,437 --> 00:20:05,867
She brought home
a microwave cookbook,
594
00:20:05,972 --> 00:20:07,542
and inside were bedbugs.
595
00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:10,210
She bought it from that used
book store on Seventh Avenue.
596
00:20:10,310 --> 00:20:11,480
Oh, my God.
597
00:20:11,578 --> 00:20:12,878
Arthur just brought home,
598
00:20:12,979 --> 00:20:14,749
like, a ton of books
from that place.
599
00:20:14,847 --> 00:20:17,317
Bedbugs lay eggs in books.
600
00:20:17,417 --> 00:20:18,517
They what?
601
00:20:18,618 --> 00:20:19,888
All right, you got
to go home right now
602
00:20:19,986 --> 00:20:21,416
and get rid of them.
603
00:20:21,521 --> 00:20:23,921
- Got to burn everything.
- Got to burn it.
604
00:20:24,023 --> 00:20:25,793
And now for my Q&A.
605
00:20:25,892 --> 00:20:28,802
[driving rock music]
606
00:20:28,895 --> 00:20:31,755
*
607
00:20:31,864 --> 00:20:33,904
Ah, nothing like
a book burning at night.
608
00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:37,440
I'm glad we got
a bedbug scare.
609
00:20:37,537 --> 00:20:38,907
And you know what?
610
00:20:39,005 --> 00:20:40,905
I'm glad our backup plans
fell through.
611
00:20:41,007 --> 00:20:42,907
That's right, and we're not
backup plan people.
612
00:20:43,009 --> 00:20:44,439
Exactly.
613
00:20:44,544 --> 00:20:46,914
You'll find somebody
hotter than dog run guy,
614
00:20:47,013 --> 00:20:48,423
sweeter than Carl.
615
00:20:48,515 --> 00:20:50,245
Yeah, and who needs
Sonny Kilburg
616
00:20:50,350 --> 00:20:51,850
and his atheist
podcast anyway?
617
00:20:51,951 --> 00:20:53,491
Yeah.
618
00:20:53,586 --> 00:20:54,516
- And you know what?
- What?
619
00:20:54,621 --> 00:20:55,921
Here's the best part.
620
00:20:56,022 --> 00:20:57,962
We are going to be
621
00:20:58,057 --> 00:20:59,387
on NPR, bitches!
622
00:20:59,492 --> 00:21:01,932
- Oh, my God!
- * NPR
623
00:21:02,028 --> 00:21:04,498
* We're gonna be on NPR
624
00:21:04,597 --> 00:21:06,867
Oh, hey, Billy, Julie.
625
00:21:06,966 --> 00:21:09,496
Oh, I'm ready
for my first podcast interview.
626
00:21:09,602 --> 00:21:12,002
- Hi, Angela.
- Hey, Angela.
627
00:21:12,104 --> 00:21:13,414
[horn honks]
628
00:21:13,506 --> 00:21:14,436
[book thunks]
629
00:21:14,541 --> 00:21:16,411
You love books, huh?
630
00:21:16,509 --> 00:21:17,579
[fire crackling]
631
00:21:17,677 --> 00:21:20,007
Go fuck yourselves.
632
00:21:23,082 --> 00:21:26,552
[both laughing]
633
00:21:26,653 --> 00:21:28,823
(man)
* Ow
634
00:21:28,921 --> 00:21:31,321
* Thought it'd be easy
635
00:21:31,424 --> 00:21:33,934
* Thought they didn't know
636
00:21:34,026 --> 00:21:38,966
* You thought it was
the only way to go *
637
00:21:39,065 --> 00:21:41,625
* Another way out
638
00:21:41,734 --> 00:21:44,074
* Found on the way home
639
00:21:44,170 --> 00:21:45,570
* Thought you were living fast
640
00:21:45,672 --> 00:21:48,342
* But you were living slow
641
00:21:48,441 --> 00:21:56,321
*
45188
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
