Original subtitles

[driving punk rock music]

[indistinct chatter]

(man) Where'd you get that?

Have you ever seen people laugh less

than comedians at a comedy party?

Ugh, I know, right?

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, Carl retweeted my joke

about how Miles Teller looks exactly like K.D. Lang.

- How is Carl? - He's supersweet.

- But he's almost too sweet. - Mm-hmm.

Sometimes, I just think I want a guy to come up to me

and be like, "Hey," and then within five minutes,

we're just videotaping ourselves having sex

for some James Franco art project.

Maybe you just don't want a boyfriend.

Well, at least not one so kind.

The only kind of kind I like is Richard Kind.

Oh, God, I would love to fuck Richard Kind.

[laughs]

I just want Carl to be a little meaner.

Mean people are the ones you remember.

Like, on my recaps, the only commenter

I ever remember is this HappyHour37.

She posts the nastiest stuff about me every day.

Like, what does she do? Just attack your writing?

She used to, but now it's gotten personal.

She found out what I look like,

and she started calling me Fat Reba.

[glass shatters]

[laughter, indistinct chatter]

Who invited Frank Zappa?

That's Sonny Kilburg.

He hosts this podcast called The Godless Podcast.

You know what? The NSA needs to shut down iTunes.

Hey, Sonny, Julie Kessler, Billy Epstein.

- Hey. - We're big fans.

- How are you doing? - I'm shitty.

My guest just dropped out for tomorrow morning.

Wow, well, it sounds like you're asking us to fill in.

And we would love to.

- Well, thank you for asking. - All right. Okay.

Well, guys, the podcast is for comedians who are atheists.

So I don't even know if you guys are comedians.

Yes, we are very much comedians.

And we are very much atheists.

I mean, we think people that do believe in God

are huge dumb-dumbs.

Yeah, if God exists,

then why isn't Mo'Nique one of the new Ghostbusters?

(Julie) And what kind of God

would've taken away my mother's legs?

- Seriously? - Yeah.

- Your mom lost her legs? - She lost her legs.

(Billy) One of them is cut off right at the hip,

and the other is pretty much capri length.

See you tomorrow?

[driving punk rock music]

Hey, guys.

I'm here with atheist comics, Julie Kessler and Billy Epstein.

You're gay; you're a redheaded, brassy broad.

Tell me why.

Well, we're like Will and Grace

if one were a six and the other were a seven.

Yeah, or like Bette Midler and Bruce Vilanch

if they were broader.

- If you had to choose... - Mm-hmm.

Lisa Rinna or Hitler?

- Hitler. - Hitler.

Okay. Now, guys, I hate God.

Drives me crazy. What gets you going?

(Billy) I hate people in the business who are like,

"Oh, you're so great,

but we don't know what to do with you."

I'm like, "Oh, you don't know what to do with me,

"but you figured out Peter Dinklage?

Fuck you."

Have you ever met a girl that's like...

Yes. Ugh.

"Do you know what's crazy about me?

I, a normal-size woman, would fuck Peter Dinklage."

(Billy) Isn't that amazing?

Someone give me a Kennedy Center honor.

[laughing]

(Sonny) Man, you guys were hilarious.

- Oh, thanks. - Thank you.

How come you don't have your own podcast?

Well, we did years ago,

but we couldn't get an audience.

Yeah, we may as well have been on NBC.

Hi-ho.

Well, you know, things have changed.

I mean, if you get on a podcast network,

podcast can lead to a book deal,

which can lead to a basic cable holding deal,

which can lead to Hulu, which leads to Amazon,

which leads to a Golden Globe speech

where you're thanking the trans community.

I like all those things.

Except Amazon.

They gave Woody Allen a show,

and they wouldn't take my humidifier back.

Well, if you guys do a new podcast,

I'll put it on my network.

- Let's do it. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Let's do it. - Yeah.

We're gonna have a podcast again.

And you're the funniest atheists

I've had in here since Penn Jillette.

- Thank you. - Fuck you.

We have fun.

Then let's celebrate.

I'm going to a bar where podcasters hang out.

- Oh, wow! - Ooh.

That sounds pretty crazy.

Oh, trivia night's insane.

Sarah Koenig wore shorts with tights one time.

[rock music]

(Julie) Babies.

So what are we going wear to the podcast bar?

Oh, Julie, we could wear an adult diaper

and a Kevin Smith hockey jersey

and still be the coolest ones there.

Are you going to bring Carl?

Ugh, I don't know.

I liked him better when he was just a stranger with a big dick.

Now he's a nice person.

Okay.

More importantly, podcast.

How are we going to afford equipment?

I bet my mom still has those mics.

Do you remember last year when she did that that hypnosis CD?

Oh, my God, how could I forget?

She was so upset when Starbucks refused to carry it.

I know, and the last five tracks

were of her singing standards.

(Floy) Who am I?

I am nothing without my husband.

(Floy) I am nobody alone.

(Hazel) Divorce.

(Floy) Divorce.

The vorce.

May the vorce be with him?

Mom, what's going on?

Honey, I am working.

Ladies, continue.

I started this drama therapy group for divorced women

to come together to empower themselves

through theater exercises.

Floy and Hazel are the only people that haven't dropped out.

Floy, bring it down.

These are real people.

(Julie) So now you guys are putting on a play?

Do you know how much money Menopause The Musical

has made in this godforsaken country?

Listen, I just came to borrow your microphones.

We'll talk about it after we finish act four.

Good.

Hazel, I'm feeling something, finally.

Hey, what's up?

Get off the phone, Billy.

I'm so sorry to ask, but I'm stuck at my mom's.

Could you please pick up

Senator Jellybeans and Greg from the groomer?

Julie, we have an understanding.

You don't ask me to deal with your dogs.

I know, and you don't ask me to go to the gym.

And I appreciate those boundaries,

but I'm really in a pinch.

It's freezing.

Where am I supposed to take your dogs?

Can you take them to that indoor dog run

on Delancey?

Get off the phone, Billy.

All right. Fine.

No problem. Actually, it's good.

It'll get me away from Matthew and his boyfriend.

You should see what's happening here.

It's like Russian nesting dolls

covered in fur, liver spots, and smegma.

Barry, can we do Rent again tonight?

We can sing Light My Candle

and order from that mush place you like.

- Who's my baby? - We are.

[both smooching]

It's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen.

I'll talk to you later.

(Denise) Matthew, what have I told you

about bringing your dog into the café?

- That I'm... - You're...

(both) The only one allowed to do it.

Oh, Matthew, I appreciate you.

Billy, table nine needs their check.

* I'm just wild about Barry

(both) * And Barry's wild about me

Take it, Denise.

* He's just wild about

* Cannot do without

(all) * He's just wild about me

Up here. I'm up here.

(all) * Me

What the fuck is going on here?

(all) * Me

[driving rock music]

(Billy) Hey, dogs. Here we are at the dog park.

Oh, look. Other dogs like you.

What a thrill.

Oh, well, oh, that one got out.

That's too bad. All right.

(Billy) Oh, yep. Have fun.

(man over PA) Welcome to the Delancey indoor dog park.

Please clean up after your pet.

[dog barks]

- Hey. - Hey, what's up?

I know this is crazy. We just met.

But I was wondering if you-- I don't know--

wanted to jerk off together behind this building?

Yeah. I would do that.

Great.

Very good.

Let's reconvene in ten for notes.

I have plenty.

(Julie) So, mom, about those microphones for my new podcast.

I have to ask the housekeeper to dig them up,

and I don't like talking to her.

(Julie) But I want to start a podcast.

If I don't get them from you,

what am I supposed to do, buy them used?

No. Of course not.

Anything used is crawling with bedbugs.

You know they found them on the 7 train?

And the South Street Seaport Abercrombie.

Well, that was an act of God.

[laughs] Oh, fine.

But in exchange, will you do me a favor

and come to see my play?

Um...

Now, isn't that interesting

that you cannot be supportive when it's my time to shine?

I try to be supportive of you...

You know how many times I've come to see your shows?

That's true, and I appreciate that.

You know how long I have worked on this?

Fine. Yes. I'll be there.

- I'm sorry. - Wonderful.

Please, distribute these to all your showbiz friends.

Esmeralda!

Micrófonos!

[dog barks]

That was really hot.

We should do that again tomorrow.

I am definitely up for that.

Excuse me.

Are these your basset hounds?

While you were gone, they attacked me.

What are you talking about?

You can't just leave aggressive dogs

unattended, dummy.

- Asshole. - I'm so sorry.

Who's gonna pay for the doctor?

I can't afford this.

It was my idea to leave.

I'll pay for your doctors.

No. It's my responsibility.

Here, take everything I have.

I am so sorry.

(Billy) Oh, my God. You're bleeding.

[rock music]

I just can't believe they bit somebody.

They've never bitten anyone before.

I know. I know.

I was a little distracted at the time,

but I'm so sorry.

- I feel terrible. - It's okay.

Oh, my God.

HappyHour37 just called me Kathy Griffin with less jokes.

Julie, put your phone down and look at these mutant podcasters.

[driving rock music]

*

Oh, Julie, Billy!

(Sonny) Oh, man, I'm glad you guys came.

I've been telling everybody about you.

They cannot wait to meet you.

- Oh, awesome. Thank you. - Oh, great.

- This is Arthur. - Hey, man.

(Julie) And we're just waiting on Billy's date, Carl.

No, we're not. I told him I had food poisoning.

He's too nice.

Good one, man. Good one.

Why not lie?

Because there's no heaven and there's no hell.

Yeah, because guess what.

Punch line here.

(both) There's no God!

Yeah.

- There we go. [laughter]

Pushpin, what's going on?

Hey. These them?

Yep, this is Billy, and this is Julie.

- How you doing? - And this is Jenny Miller.

(Sonny) She hosts a quiz podcast

called No, No, Take It Back.

And this is Brett Glass.

No relation to Ira.

[laughter]

(Sonny) He hosts a podcast called Bros Dissing Shows.

(Brett) My three brothers and I,

we go to bad theater ironically and rip them apart.

Well, here is your next episode.

My mother directed a play.

(Julie) Seriously? It's your funeral.

Oh, no.

- What's wrong? - I have to go.

That's Angela Peasley from NPR.

Arthur, the whole NPR/PBS rivalry is in your head.

Don't mock, tambourine. We really hate each other.

(Sonny) I'm with you, Artie.

Those NPR folks think they're better than everybody else

just because their shows get millions of downloads?

[scoffs] Please.

Seriously, like, millions of downloads?

Oh, multiple millions.

- Let's get a round of drinks. - Yeah.

Let's get our fucking asses on NPR.

(Billy) Angela, how crazy is it that we met tonight,

don't you think?

We are NPR people.

- Do you understand? - All the way.

(Billy) We like crossword puzzles.

Beans in bulk,

a cardigan sweater that you put in the wash once

and it already starts to pill.

Yeah, a cat that sleeps on your face.

(Julie) Um, um...

- Tom's of Maine. - Books.

(Billy) Oh!

Books.

We love books.

- We love books. - You have no idea.

I love books too.

I love books so much, Angela,

I have tote bags at home,

and they just say funny things about books,

like, "Leave me alone. I'm reading."

(Billy) Yes, yes, yes, and,

"Give me of book and a cat on a rainy day,

and, boy, am I in heaven."

- Aw. [laughter]

Public radio, ooh.

Oh, my God, poem books-- love those!

Ogden Nash.

- Nash Bridges. - What is your podcast about?

(both) Books.

But I thought you said your show is about atheism.

Atheism and books.

Mostly books.

(Arthur) What you have to understand

is that the rivalry between PBS and NPR

goes back hundreds of years

if not thousands, and I could just--

You should be a guest on our podcast about books.

- Yes. - We can interview you.

- You have to. - That is very flattering.

I mean, no one asks the curator of a podcast network

to be the guest on a podcast.

- Why? - That is fucked up.

What?

You are clearly podcast guest material.

It's written all over your clothes

and your hair and your shoes.

[punk rock music]

(Julie) I'm worried we still don't have enough books.

The apartment needs to look more NPR-y.

Well, Angela's not coming over

for her interview until tomorrow.

We have time to get more dusty crap by then.

You think so?

[electronic beeping]

Ugh, it's Sonny calling again.

You think he knows we're shopping around

for a new podcast network?

I don't know what podcasters can intuit.

I'll just keep dodging his calls until we get on NPR.

I am back from the bookstore, lozenge.

[gasps] Thank you, Arthur.

Oh, my God, these books look amazing.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, these are definitely going to make us

look like serious readers.

Yes, just let it be known that I disapprove of your

redecorating the apartment to appease the enemy, NPR.

I appreciate your sacrifice.

You're welcome, spinach.

(Billy) Any more from your Internet stalker?

Any nasty comments?

Oh, yes, as a matter of fact.

That troll found my private Facebook page this morning

and wrote the word "anus" on every one of my photos.

Oh, I think she's flirting with you.

I dared her to say whatever she had to say to me

to my face and meet up in person.

I don't know if she lives in New York or wherever.

You know what's gonna happen.

It's gonna end up like every sitcom ever.

You mean she's going to end up being an obese shut-in

or Nev from Catfish?

Yeah, or it's going to end up being like a child or something.

Oh, right. Right.

You know, your bully is going to end up being

more of a bigger loser than you are.

You're going to feel bad.

Then you'll want to bond with them.

Oh, my God, Billy. She wrote back.

DM from HappyHour37.

She wants to meet me at a restaurant in Midtown.

Whoa.

She says, "Restaurants serve food,

so you'll be happy, ginger piggy."

Oh, you know, that's how my dad

asked my mom out on their first date.

Oh, really?

[upbeat rock music]

*

Call me HappyHour37.

Kathie Lee Gifford?

There's no way you're not pranking me.

Pranks aren't my thing.

You're thinking of Kelly Ripa.

But why would anybody as famous and successful as you

start an anonymous commenter account

just to trash some nobody?

Well, not just any nobody.

Julie, you represent the absolute worst

in an audience member.

The only reason that you watch television

or go to the movies or, when you can afford it,

the theater is so you can tear it down.

No. That's not true.

I want things to be good.

People have been making fun of me

since before the Internet existed.

I know people like you.

You just want to be funny, don't you?

But you can't be funny, can you?

Unless you rag on somebody.

Aim higher.

I feel like after this, you're just going to disappear

into glitter and leave me here.

Well, I do have tickets for Mamma Mia!, but--

Oh.

But before I go,

I want to leave you with a challenge.

Anything, Kathie Lee Gifford.

Be the kind of audience member who has an open heart.

"Intend to enjoy and judge nothing,"

as Goldie Hawn once said.

And then she turned around and made Housesitter.

See, there you go.

You just can't help yourself, can you?

You're right. I'm sorry.

I'm gonna carry this advice into my new podcast as well.

Thank you for meeting me.

You're welcome.

I'll see you on the Internet, Fat Reba.

[Kathie laughs]

Oh, there is one last thing I want you to know.

God loves you.

Even you.

[funky music]

*

Billy.

Fancy running into you here.

Carl, what's happening?

Doing some shopping, I see.

Guilty. How's your stomach?

Is it feeling better than the other night?

Oh, yeah. Yes. It is.

Oh, my God, food poisoning is the worst.

Oh, you've got to stop eating takeout.

I know.

Hey, why don't you come over some night this week?

- I'll cook you dinner. - Maybe.

For sure. I am so sorry. I got to go.

Oh, don't be sorry. You go do you.

Okay.

[rock music]

What's going on?

- Is this your dog? - It bit me.

(man) Me too.

You can't just leave an aggressive dog unattended.

Where were you, dummy?

(man) Who's gonna pay for this, huh?

Is this a scam?

A scam? Oh, man.

I mean, if coming to a dog park

to take advantage of sad, lonely gay guys

with the offer of mutual jerking off

and then having your a cappella group

extort as much money as possible from them is a scam,

then maybe, but I wouldn't use that word.

You're telling me I blew off a nice guy for,

what, a prostitute?

- Hey. - That's what you are.

You're a prostitute except with more steps.

Hey, hey, don't give them your money.

It's a scam.

- Billy? - Matthew?

Please, please, please, don't tell Barry.

He can't take the stress.

- He's so close to death. - Are you kidding me?

You jerked off Matthew?

You two know each other? This city...

It takes a real creep to spoil some innocent, public jerk-off.

Everyone who does a cappella is a sick pervert.

(Julie) I knew my dogs wouldn't have bitten three strangers.

Their assholes. They're not monsters.

I don't think you're paying attention

to the right parts of the story.

I'm sorry that your sexy stranger

turned out to be a con man who hooked up with Matthew.

- [sighs] - But look on the bright side.

You got a second chance with a nice guy.

- Hi. - Hey.

So glad this worked out.

Yeah. Thanks for coming.

So what play are we seeing?

Oh, my God. Okay, so--

No. I made a promise to Kathie Lee Gifford.

Let's watch it with an open mind.

Love that.

[jazzy instrumental music]

I am alone.

I am unloved.

My husband is gone.

Uh-oh.

I never would have gotten through this without you.

You are the most brilliant person alive.

I'm just a woman.

I'm an extraordinary woman.

* I've helped so many women *

* Just by being an example *

[gentle piano music]

* Whenever you are hurting

* Think of me

* Me

[whispers] Me.

*

[scattered applause]

Well, I'll say this.

It was long, but in her defense,

it was also very, very slow.

Thank you for coming.

Thank you. Hello.

Thank you.

What did you think?

You hated it.

For what it's worth,

it looked like it was really hard to do,

so good job, Mom.

Yeah. It was.

Oh, there's my doorman.

Oh, of course.

- Remind me-- - Hey, Julie, Billy.

Oh, my God, Sonny. What are you doing here?

Oh, I called you a bunch of times and told you I was coming.

- You never called back. - Oh, God. I'm sorry.

I was beginning to think you were gonna blow me off

the way you blew off that loser

that you didn't want to go out with

so you pretended to have food poisoning.

[Sonny laughs]

You know what, Billy?

Go fuck yourself.

Hey, before I go, can I meet your mom?

Why?

I mean, a shrink who directs, writes,

and has no legs?

Oh, my no God,

introduce me to that woman.

Did I hear compliments?

Hello.

I'm Julie's mom.

You have legs.

Fresh.

- Oh, dear God, help us. - We're going to hell.

I knew you weren't atheists either.

You can go fuck yourselves.

Oh, it's so great having fans.

Oh, there's Floy.

Oh, that poor thing. She's had such a tough year.

Her husband left her, and then she got bedbugs.

- What? - Yeah.

She brought home a microwave cookbook,

and inside were bedbugs.

She bought it from that used book store on Seventh Avenue.

Oh, my God.

Arthur just brought home,

like, a ton of books from that place.

Bedbugs lay eggs in books.

They what?

All right, you got to go home right now

and get rid of them.

- Got to burn everything. - Got to burn it.

And now for my Q&A.

[driving rock music]

*

Ah, nothing like a book burning at night.

I'm glad we got a bedbug scare.

And you know what?

I'm glad our backup plans fell through.

That's right, and we're not backup plan people.

Exactly.

You'll find somebody hotter than dog run guy,

sweeter than Carl.

Yeah, and who needs Sonny Kilburg

and his atheist podcast anyway?

Yeah.

- And you know what? - What?

Here's the best part.

We are going to be

on NPR, bitches!

- Oh, my God! - * NPR

* We're gonna be on NPR

Oh, hey, Billy, Julie.

Oh, I'm ready for my first podcast interview.

- Hi, Angela. - Hey, Angela.

[horn honks]

[book thunks]

You love books, huh?

[fire crackling]

Go fuck yourselves.

[both laughing]

(man) * Ow

* Thought it'd be easy

* Thought they didn't know

* You thought it was the only way to go *

* Another way out

* Found on the way home

* Thought you were living fast

* But you were living slow

*