Original subtitles

Does the soup have any dairy?

And I'm cold.

Can you turn down the air-conditioning?

I don't know, but what fun questions.

(Julie) Great news.

According to People magazine, Susan Boyle

is not letting her Asperger's get in the way of her dreams.

Oh, good.

Have you heard of Cissy Donato?

No, but I'm pretty sure someone

called me that in my youth.

Cissy Donato is a YouTube star

who has over 7 million subscribers.

- Oh. - Hey, guys.

Cissy here.

So people have just been begging me

for my Nicki Minaj impression,

but this week, I really wanted to do the Cops song,

so I figured I'd split the D

and give you Nicki Minaj's Cops song.

* I got my ticket down to Mardi Gras *

* Two bottles of vodka for the trip *

Are you trying to waterboard my eyes?

Billy, I used to babysit this girl.

You babysat? You hate kids.

I know, and she's the origin story.

She grew up two blocks away from me, in Great Neck.

"Cissy Shake It Off parody Shake It Up

"with a can of Coke.

"6 million views.

"Cissy reviews Sephora oil blotting papers.

3 million views."

[gasps]

Let's kill ourselves. No, really.

No, I'm-- I'm on board.

- How are we gonna do it? - Oh, sad, old Billy.

Hold my calls.

I'll be back in two shakes of Megan Hilty's tail feather.

Matthew, you're on the clock.

I have a meeting with a new agent.

- Does Denise know? - Shut up, Billy.

Of course I know.

I'm dropping him off. Who's gonna get a new agent?

You're gonna get a new agent.

You're gonna get a agent.

Yes, you are. Yes, you are.

She cut the line.

We are being lapped by people less talented

and way younger than we are.

I know. We could log 10,000 hours of practice,

and these medium talents would still get 3 million views.

Yeah, 10,000 hours my behind.

Malcolm Gladwell's such a dirty little liar.

He's a lousy kisser too.

Oh, yeah, he either pecks or is way too wet.

Yeah.

Can we get some help over here?

Yeah. I'm coming right now.

[sighs] I need a palate cleanser.

Oh, let's watch that Inside the Actors Studio where...

(both) Bon Jovi says his favorite curse word is "piece of fuck"!

[driving punk rock music]

Oh, come on. You're still here?

There goes my vacation.

Oh, hello to you too, Denise.

You gonna actually order something

or just sit here googling yourself?

I would order something,

but everything on your menu is too complicated.

Why does pasta have to have a sauce?

Why can't chicken just be fingers?

Julie has the palate of a seven-year-old girl.

And the ass of a seasoned blogger.

Ugh.

Look, Billy, Nate and I will be back

from the Hamptons in three days.

Do me a favor

and limit the exposure of your ginger friend

to our customers so that no one gets creeped out.

Here are the keys.

The combination to the safe is--

I know it.

I remember from last time and the time before that.

Don't worry about it, girl.

Mm-mm.

We don't do that.

[upbeat music]

Do you think it's bad that I've only been in charge

for 45 minutes and I already closed the café for a break?

No. I needed to eat.

Denise's café is so close to being a good restaurant,

but everything on her menu has some kind of

chutney or jus on it.

- Mm. - Hi.

- Hello. - Hi.

Hello.

Can I have the Dora the Explorer?

No, you can't order from the children's menu.

Why not?

Children's menu-- under 12 only.

That's bullshit. So basically

kids get all the show business success and the good food.

I mean, do you think that's fair?

In my country, I was a surgeon.

- Okay. - We'll tip him.

Do you want to go somewhere else?

Of course I do, yeah. But where?

You know what would be a great idea, actually?

Be a restaurant called The Children's Menu,

and it'd just serve, like, pizza bagels

to adults at regular prices.

That is actually a really good idea.

Thank you.

Then again, I told Jerry Seinfeld

to stay the fuck away from Crackle, so what do I know?

Do I look like a Crackle executive to you?

No, but you look like Bill Burr.

Nicest thing you've ever said.

[both laugh]

But seriously, do you want to try it?

- I mean, Denise is away. Right? - Mm-hmm.

We could just change the menus and the signs at your place

and have the kitchen throw away all the vegetables.

Yeah. Let's do it.

- Okay. - Let's do it.

It'll be just like the restaurant challenge

on Celebrity Apprentice but without Geraldo menacingly

walking around in his underpants.

(Billy) We're restaurateurs.

I feel like the Jewish Mr. Chow.

(Julie) What can't we do?

Child molester?

Kids and their band names today.

Oh, no. This is a flier for an actual child molester.

"Thin, lanky, sandy blonde hair, blue eyes, glasses"--

You know what? He sounds cute.

Of all the deal breakers, though.

Say hello to the newest member

of the Irv Rosenblatt and Associates family.

The Secret works!

Wait. Why aren't you at the café?

Because we have to buy tampons.

Gross.

Do you ever tire of being a bully's clichéd idea

of what a gay man is like?

You're such a bitch.

And I'm living for it.

Oh, and when I tell Denise that you shut down,

she will fire your ancient ass.

Since when is 35 ancient?

Since gay.

Can't you fire him?

I'm putting in a week anyway

when I join the cast of Saturday Night Live.

- Oh, yeah. I'm sure. - Oh, good one.

Yeah, my new agent got it for me.

You know how there's all those petitions online about how SNL

needs an openly gay man?

Yeah, I saw that petition on Facebook.

I was gonna sign it, but then they wanted my email? No.

So they're gonna hire one, and my agent

says that he can get me into the casting showcase.

But, Matthew, how did your agent ever know you were gay?

[laughing]

I like you.

Bye, Felicia.

(woman) * Do-do-do

* Do-do-do, do, do *

He's like the gay son Jiminy Cricket is ashamed of.

I just hate it when she's mean to you. Wait.

It's okay for me to call him "she," right?

Yes.

You know I have to gay audition for SNL.

Of course you do, obviously.

We're going to make it happen.

Oh, shit. What time is it?

What's wrong?

I told my mom I would go see her in Great Neck.

She's giving a talk to her country club about stress.

- Oh, God. - I know. Don't ask.

She guilted me into attending.

Guilt is a powerful currency in your family.

Tell me about it.

We pass it down like our soft teeth and slow metabolisms.

(woman) * Do-ooh, do

Stress, stress,

stress.

(Marilyn) As a psychologist,

I deal with a lot of people who have stress.

Ladies, let me ask you.

What gives you stress?

(Marilyn) Yes, Phyllis H.

What if we can't afford a nice vacation

and we have to settle for a trip to London?

Phyllis K.

My housekeeper makes a lot of eye contact.

Does she want something?

(Marilyn) Phyllis other K.

If Hillary wins the next election,

there go our tax breaks.

All of these wonderful examples.

If you're looking to make a Nazi propaganda cartoon.

Now, one of the ways my family deals with stress

is through humor.

My daughter is a comedian, technically.

Her career means everything to her.

That's one of the reasons I don't have grandchildren.

And you have to laugh.

[laughter]

Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

- Carol. - I'm sorry, Marilyn.

Am I too late for your talk thingy?

- Not at all. - Big talk--I'm so--

Oh, God, I was online.

I was reading the latest think piece on Cissy and YouTube.

Time flies when you have a famous daughter.

My apologies. So sorry.

Well, you remember my daughter.

Julie, say hello.

Hi, Carol.

Julie, I haven't seen you since you babysat.

Oh, God, I'm so sorry you got so frustrated with her.

I remember she used to lay on the floor,

crying, saying, like,

"I can't wait to die!"

I can't do it. Cissy did it better.

Even back then, she was good with impressions.

Did Cissy always sing?

Oh, those skits give me a tickle.

Oh, I love to laugh.

Laughter feels good.

It's very important.

Well, Julie wants to be just like Cissy.

Oh, well, I'm sure, you know,

if you want to talk a little bit

and get some advice about the business,

Cissy could make some time for you.

I promise you.

Julie, you should make a YouTube.

I mean, yeah,

but, you know, I was working on this live show,

and there's a screenplay idea I had, so...

Julie, did you ever think maybe you're not successful

because you're constantly moving around

from one thing to another?

You're right, Mom. You know what?

I'm gonna go home and focus on one thing--

becoming a YouTube star.

And not to freeze your eggs.

Interesting priority.

Where were we?

[hip-hop music]

Stress!

*

Hey, Billy, not that I value your opinion,

'cause I don't,

but can I ask you a question?

No. Hold on. I'm reading Homeland fan fiction,

and Carrie and Saul are about to cry-fuck.

Which one of these head shots

is best to leave at the SNL showcase?

They are smiling, so they're both great for comedy,

but this one--

this one's America's farm boy.

He's swinging a baseball bat.

He's coming home to a windowsill-cooled pie

and a glass of thick, whole milk, right?

But this one, my hair is parted on the left.

I need to ask you a favor.

No.

Please, I need your agent to get me a spot

in that SNL showcase.

- Abso--no. - Please.

It's just another slot in the showcase.

I'll give you anything you want.

I'll give you a week off.

And half your tips?

Fine. Deal.

All right.

Done.

I want to go on vocal rest anyway,

just to see what it's like.

Perfect.

For your vision board.

[upbeat music]

So tomorrow, we'll give D's café a mini makeover.

Now that Matthew's gone for the week, we're good to go.

I never heard from his agent.

Maybe I am too old.

No.

The less you've done, the more people want to work with you.

No experience at all? Here's a TV show.

I fucking hate everybody.

I'm actually glad that traditional media

has rejected us.

I think YouTube's gonna be a good fit for me.

- What are you gonna do? - I don't know.

I can't do makeup demonstrations

'cause I'm allergic to everything.

Well, they turned Drunk History into a TV show.

Maybe just choose another school subject.

- And add "drunk" to it? - Yeah, why not?

Uh...

Drunk science?

Yes.

That's actually not bad.

It does combine two things I'm bad at.

- That's perfect. - Let's eat.

I'm hungry. Are you hungry?

Yeah. Let's order food.

(Arthur) I've been cooking over here.

There's no need to order out.

Oh, Arthur, are you making something fancy?

No, just a radicchio with cloves--

No. See, this is why we need our own restaurant.

- What restaurant? - The Children's Menu.

(Billy) We're gonna overcharge adults for cinnamon toast

and string cheese.

- You like it? - Pencils...

That is brilliant.

(Billy) Arthur, it's what New York needs.

(Julie) Yes, every restaurant

tries to jus up something normal,

and we're sick of it.

Yeah, spare me from someone's take on a meatloaf.

[cell phone buzzing] - Oh, an unknown number.

Maybe it's Denise or a prostitute with a secret.

You know I follow the food blogs.

I know. I hate that about you.

Barbecue is over. Cronuts are done.

A place that sells expensive versions of the kind of food

you find in bowling alleys has got to be the next big thing.

Billy, Arthur loves our restaurant idea.

I got an audition for SNL.

- What? - Yes!

That was Matthew's agent. I'm in.

Oh, my God, you're gonna be on SNL.

I'm gonna be a viral celebrity,

and we're all gonna sell cheese sandwiches for too much money.

We are on fire!

Yes, tell me Maggie Gyllenhaal said something

about aging actresses today, and it's the best day ever.

[liquid pouring]

(Billy) What do you think I should do for my SNL audition?

'Cause I want to do my stand-up,

but I just feel like they want impressions.

I don't do impressions.

That doesn't mean you can't do impressions.

Let's think of some impressions you can do.

I could do my Chubby Checker.

[as Chubby Checker] Come on, everybody.

It's time to have fun.

- So funny. - * Hey, it's the summertime

- [in normal voice] It's good. - It's beyond good.

It's wonderful.

But I worry it's not current enough.

I don't know what you're talking about.

It's not Demi Lovato cutting herself

or whatever the kids like these days.

I like political satire, like the Capitol Steps.

- Oh, Jesus. - Oh, my God.

But I don't like music,

but I do like their song parodies.

- Hmm. - It's like his favorite band.

He made me see them once.

You saw the Capitol Steps live?

I had a UTI the whole time,

and I don't know which was more irritating.

By the way, can we just take a moment right now

and acknowledge that this is a big deal?

- Okay? Seriously. - I know.

We both dreamed about being on SNL,

since we were kids, as cast members.

I know. It's crazy.

I dreamed about being guest host also

and a writer and musical guest.

I think my mom had a point

when she talked about my lack of focus.

- What if I blow it? - That's not what you do.

(Arthur) I hate to interrupt you, Hydrox,

but I wrote to my editor friend at Gobbler,

and he loves The Children's Menu restaurant idea.

That's amazing.

Chubby, what do you have to say about that?

[as Chubby Checker] Mazel tov, Julie.

[upbeat rock music]

*

(man) * Yeah

* Yeah, yeah

*

* Yeah

Yes.

I think The Children's Menu is gonna work.

I'm so excited, and Arthur emailed

all of his boring food blogs.

Can you imagine if we became successful restaurateurs

at the expense of our comedy careers?

It happened to Lisa Vanderpump.

Oh, my God, I used to love her stand-up.

So wait. Are you doing that Steel Magnolias bit

for your SNL audition?

No, I went shopping for a M'Lynn wig,

and I thought to myself, "You're shopping for a M'Lynn wig.

This is not who you are."

So you're just gonna do your stand-up?

- I think that's great. - I'm so nervous.

Don't be nervous. Here.

I'll distract you with my foray into YouTube superstardom.

Can you imagine if Andy Warhol had been around for YouTube?

He would've posted so many irritating things.

Oh, yeah, his Instagram alone would've been insufferable.

Okay, so I did Drunk Science, like Drunk History,

but I realized halfway through that I don't know

any other comedians that I don't hate besides you,

so I used my dogs.

- Oh, the Internet loves dogs. - Yeah, you'd think so.

Then why do I only have eight views? Watch.

(Julie) Drunk Fucking Science with Senator Jelly Beans

and Greg, the dogs.

Oh, my God. I'm so drunk.

We are friends.

The three of us are friends.

You just won the Nobel Prize.

I was robbed.

Oh, Babybel cheese.

I was gonna ask you to take me to the bathroom,

but I just want to lie on this tile.

[both laughing]

I love it. Yeah, I mean--

If this doesn't get a billion views,

I don't want to live on this planet.

Oh, thank you, and if SNL doesn't hire you,

then I won't watch the show anymore.

Well, threatening to not watch SNL

is the equivalent of a seven-year-old

telling his parents he's gonna run away.

Where you gonna go?

Still.

Billy, look. It's a line.

Why can't people show up like this

when we do one of our live shows?

I know.

Know what the best part about being dead has got to be?

Never having to promote another live show again.

Oh, that reminds me. We have to...

(both) Kill ourselves.

Yes.

[man singing indistinctly]

[driving punk rock music]

The Children's Menu got some nice reviews online.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

If only I could get that kind of press

for the showbiz stuff I do.

[cell phone buzzing]

(Julie) Hello?

Hi. I'm in a little bit of the situation here.

What's going on? What's that noise?

I gave Matthew the week off,

and because we got some press,

actual children have been showing up a lot.

- What? - I know.

I guess if you put "children" in the name of your restaurant

and you serve hot dogs, parents will bring their kids to it

like it's that goddamn field in that Kevin Costner movie.

Tin Cup? Oh, there's no time for jokes.

You have your SNL showcase. I'll be right over.

[scattered applause]

[laughter]

[indistinct chatter]

- Tough crowd. - Did they laugh?

No, went way over their heads.

I know, but that's what they do. They don't laugh.

I've heard that. They never laugh.

Okay, well, now I know how Susan Lucci must've felt

when she took over for Bernadette Peters

in Annie Get Your Gun.

God, I should've said that onstage.

- No, you shouldn't have. - Okay.

I didn't expect Lorne Michaels to be here.

What? No, Matthew, are you serious?

Matthew, Matthew.

Does Lorne come to this?

[cell phone chiming]

(man) Please welcome to the stage Billy Epstein.

[light applause]

Hey, guys. I'm Billy Epstein.

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, we're still waiting on apple juice.

Madame, this is my own personal hell.

How can this place not have any sippy cups?

Because you don't have a children's menu restaurant

for children!

You have it for me!

I can't wait to die!

[driving rock music]

Ooh, are you Ariel?

Don't be an idiot and don't touch strangers.

Go over there.

Jesus Christ.

- You okay there? - Oh, thank God you're here.

Just to catch you up, I'm still a terrible babysitter.

Apparently, children like grabbing my hair,

and Arthur will be here any minute.

- How was the showcase? - It was good.

Lorne was there.

- Are you serious? Oh, my God. - I know.

And I was actually pretty happy with what I did,

and then the second I got off stage,

they told me I didn't get it.

Oh, no.

Who can I cyberbully?

- What can I punch? - It's okay.

I feel pretty good about it,

and they said I should keep trying,

and then they said I'm pretty green still, so...

Well, that's good feedback, and I have to say

it's nice that one of us is too young for something for once.

True. All right.

Now, let's get to the shit show at hand.

How the fuck do we get these kids out of the restaurant?

What the kids hate? Jazz...

The dentist, homework...

Kevin Spacey.

Oh, the news. Maybe we put on the news.

- Perfect. - Okay.

New York local news is the scariest.

Police say the unidentified victim's corpse

was partially cannibalized and her eyes were sewn shut.

- Coming up... - Surprise!

Oh, my lucid nightmare has a punch line.

- No. - Look at this restaurant.

It's so nice to see you succeed in some way.

(Carol) Julie, you're going to love me.

Look what I brought.

Hi. I'm Cissy.

My mom said you used to babysit me, but I can't remember.

What a natural storyteller you are.

She is. That's right.

Yes. You know what?

Julie is trying to be a stand-up comedian.

Can you help her?

- Aww. - Yeah.

Be nice if you could give her some advice.

You know, coming from someone who's doing as well as you.

Well, what is it you want to do?

Like, what is your brand?

She's not sure. It always changes.

[children chattering]

[whispers] Help her.

You want to see her on the YouTube?

(Marilyn) Yes.

I made a YouTube video of my dogs

but didn't get as many views as yours.

Oh, well, I believe in myself, so...

Oh, no, no. I believe in myself.

I've just lost faith in the world around me.

I do not get people like you.

You are so negative.

Don't you know that you just have to decide to be successful.

You know what, Cissy, you millennial nuisance?

You're 19, and you're having a moment.

(Julie) But we will bury you.

You don't have the strength to last in comedy.

She's one of those people,

"Oh, I'll make it happen for myself.

I'll do my own shows."

Yeah, don't wait around for a network to give you a show.

(Billy) "Oh, I know what I'll do.

I'll make my own show on my phone."

Remember Full House? So do I.

- Isn't that funny? - "I'm so hilarious."

"I was born in 1996."

Ugh, okay. Now I'll be you two.

"Wah, I'm old. Wah, I'm lonely."

Oh, see, that's where you're wrong, Cissy.

Because I have a boyfriend.

[chuckles] Yes, you do.

And I'm here to help.

Helping hands for all the hungry children.

(reporter) A new sketch of the child molester

who's been terrorizing schools.

It has been distributed to local communities,

and the hope is that authorities will receive a tip

and bring this horrible monster to justice.

Hey, he looks like me.

[all gasp]

[silverware clatters]

(Denise) What the hell's going on? What's happening?

(Billy) Denise, hi.

You're back early. How were the Hamptons?

Shut up, Billy.

What did you do to my menu?

And who the hell is that pedophile?

(Marilyn) That's my daughter's boyfriend.

[as Chubby Checker] Come on, everybody.

It's time to have fun.

Hi. What's up? It's your girl, Cissy.

I just got yelled at by the two meanest meanies

in the whole world.

Wah. Do you guys want to meet them?

[Auto-Tuned] You know what, Cissy?

[Auto-Tuned] We will bury you.

We will bury you underground.

- Cissy. - We will bury you.

We will bury you underground.

You're 19, and you're having a moment.

Remember Full House?

You millenni-- millennial nuisance--

- Hey. - Oh, I know everything...

- Hey. - Because I was born in 1996.

How do you even do that?

Yeah, she'll get 5 million views,

and we get nothing.

It's just like The Children's Menu.

Denise made all the money off of our great idea,

and all we get in return is, you're not fired.

Yeah, this is what it must've felt like

for one of those Motown artists

who got screwed over by white record executives.

Exactly. You know what?

It's time to stop fucking around with schemes that have nothing

to do with our chosen path and focus on show business.

You're right. From now on, it's just show business.

Late night tacos.

No tomatoes in yours, Splenda, or lettuce or cheese.

It's just a tortilla with unseasoned ground beef.

- Oh. - Here you go, Billy.

- Thank you. - Arthur.

What did I ever do to deserve you?

Sometimes, I wonder.

Oh, it's 11:35. Put on SNL.

I still say it should have been you.

(Billy) Oh, my God. There's a new opening.

(man on TV) It's Saturday night Live

with Brooklyn Coppola...

[jazzy music]

Dax Hilton...

*

Blair Violet Pendelton...

(Julie) Oh, my God.

They're so young.

So I wasn't too young.

I was too old.

(man on TV) Ryder Silverman...

(Julie) How bold.

I'm gonna keep watching, though.

Yeah, I guess.

(man on TV) And your host,

the Annoying Orange.

You know, some of his videos are actually pretty funny.

*

Yeah.

They work.

(man) * Ow

* Thought it'd be easy

* Thought they didn't know

* You thought it was the only way to go *

* Another way out

* Found on the way home

* Thought you were living fast

* But you were living slow

*