Original subtitles

Another Yom Kippur.

You think Bethenny Frankel's fasting today?

Uh, yeah, but not because she knows what day it is.

Ugh, these fucking shoes.

- Oh, are you all right? - Yeah, I'm all right.

I never see you in a chunky heel,

only a sassy flat.

Well, I'm going to my mom's break-fast later,

and Nicole's gonna be there, and she's always dressed up.

Wait, which one is Nicole again?

Is that the Uber driver that tried to sell us

a friendship bracelet?

No, it's another person we hate.

She's that annoying psychology student

who's obsessed with my mom.

She looks great without makeup.

She likes hiking.

She has no food issues.

She's basically the daughter my mom always wanted.

Yeah, family is the worst way

to meet someone that you have nothing in common with.

So how did you get suckered into going

to your brother's for Yom Kippur?

You said last year, "Never again,"

which, honestly, was a little on the nose.

I know. I got a call from an unknown number,

and I thought it was that agent, Skippy Truce,

the one that likes me.

But it wasn't. It was Garry.

Does your brother spell "Gary" with one R?

Oh, I wish. Two Rs.

- The bad "Garry." - Of course.

[phone chiming] Sorry. Hello.

Yeah.

Oh, my God, yes!

Yes, that's amazing! That's so great!

[mouthing words]

Okay, thank you. Thank you.

Okay, bye. I got an agent!

[screams] That's amazing!

- I'm sorry I'm screaming. - I'm so happy for you.

I know; I'll buy your agave syrup.

I can't believe it. I'm represented.

- I am represented. - Finally.

I am represented. Yes!

That's amazing.

Oh, I can't.

He said I have a John C. Reilly quality.

- I've always thought that. - Yes.

Do you think it's a little weird he called on Yom Kippur?

No, no, no, he's not Jewish.

[growling]

Julie, no.

Julie, no, no, no.

It's fine. He's good.

I'm telling you, he's legit.

He knows all those guys at HBO.

* What more do you need

You have to pitch a series to HBO about a network

that passed on all the good shows

and all it was left with was The Leftovers.

- Whoa! - [laughs] Yes.

Or what about a Fraggle Rock reboot

except all the Fraggles are trans?

You think that's too close to Looking?

[laughs]

[driving punk rock music]

[laughter]

Julie, come in. Hug Nicole.

She's helping me because you were late.

- Julie. - Hey, Nicole.

Oh, look at you. I'm still in my workout clothes.

Oh. Natural beauty.

Julie, get the juice out of the fridge, please,

before your father comes back with the lox.

So, Julie, are you still writing?

Well, I just live-blogged the Emmys last month.

12 of the people I took improv classes with

won statues, and one of them hosted.

Oh. That's impressive.

Yeah, for them.

How's psychology school?

Uh, I'm already done.

Yeah, she's got a graduation party on Sunday.

Do you have a clean dress?

Why isn't your mom hosting a graduation party for you?

(Marilyn) Because her mother just joined Scientology.

It's terrible. Those people hate psychologists.

You know we're the chief competitor of any cult.

Wait a minute. Nicole, does this mean you know Anne Archer?

- Okay, just ignore her. - I love her.

Honey, help me with the bagels.

Nicole is fasting.

I can't because it's uncomfortable,

and Julie can't because she's hungry all the time.

Oh, is that because you work out?

Come on, Nicole.

No, Nicole's doing this--

what is the name of that?

That great new exercise thing?

- What is it? - Oh, Bernie's Boot Camp.

- Yeah, that's right. - Every day at 6:00 a.m.

Can you believe that? Private Benjamin stuff.

(Nicole) I do mud trenches and chin-ups,

and there's an Army guy with a whistle.

That's what you've got to do to have this body.

Show that off. Look at that, beautiful.

- Stop it. - Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry.

I guess I just find that a little offensive.

Honey, what is your problem?

I don't know, just a military-themed exercise class.

I think it minimizes the contributions

that veterans have made to society.

Well, I had no idea that you were so concerned

about protecting veterans in society.

Yeah, well, I have a lot of friends who were veterans.

No, you don't.

Of course I do.

There's a lot you don't know about me, Nicole.

Well, how did you meet them?

- Volunteering. - But you don't volunteer.

Tell that to my comedy career,

'cause it's basically just one big unpaid internship.

I don't believe you.

I've seen you with one friend,

and it's that loud gay guy that you bring around.

I have lots of friends, Nicole,

so many of whom are veterans.

In fact, I'm gonna bring one of them to your graduation party.

How do you like that? Huh?

That would be amazing.

I can't wait to meet that person.

I can't wait for you to meet him.

(Marilyn) Arthur's here.

Chag sameach, Marilyn.

You look like Julie's beautiful sister.

(Marilyn) You know, this looks like something

that you would love to drink, Arthur.

Hey, Mom, just because Arthur's a WASP

doesn't mean he's an alcoholic.

Hmm. It probably does.

(Julie) Arthur, you remember Nicole, right?

- Yes. - Want to hear something funny?

Her mom knows John Travolta.

- Oh, really? - Isn't that great?

- Let it go. - John Travolta.

Let it go!

[lively music]

*

Billy! Come in. Chag sameach.

Hey, Garry. How are you?

Come in. It's freezing out there.

- Take your coat off. - Sure.

Boy, sorry, I was just, uh--

you got a lot of mezuzahs out there.

Three of them are doorbells.

Oh, really?

Come in. Here, I got it. I got it. I got it.

Let go. Let go. Let--here we are.

Wow, you guys keep it smelling like pot roast

and boiled carrots around here all year long.

[laughs] Thank you very much.

Ruchel, look who's here.

Tal, Renee, get out of the God damn kitchen

and say hello to your Uncle Billy.

Hey, Tal. Hey, Renee.

- Hi, Uncle Billy. - Why aren't you famous yet?

Renee is going through her cunt phase.

That's okay. Me too. Hello, Ruchel.

Tal, you want to tell Billy

what your bat mitzvah party theme's gonna be?

"It gets better."

- Are you gay? - I wish. Just chubby.

[sighs]

Renee, put away your cell phone,

or I'll take your flat iron and bury it so far up your ass,

your throat will burn.

That's a real threat.

Yom Kippur! [laughs nervously]

Sit down. I got to hear it all day long.

I'm sure. I'm sure. I'm sure.

That's great, huh?

Yeah. It's a real treat having you here, you know?

I don't see you enough.

I've seen you, I think, twice since Dad's funeral.

- Mm-hmm. - Let me tell you something.

There's only two of us left.

That's it. The last people on Earth.

- The last people. - It's up to us.

The last people on Earth, and we're sitting in this house.

Yes. Dad died, and that's it.

Uh, no. I know. I know.

And I'm sorry about that.

I should see you guys more,

but I don't want to.

I'm just kidding. We just--we always talk--

Ruchel, Billy did a joke, and he said,

"I would see you more, but I don't want to."

(Ruchel) He's very funny.

I was kidding. Thank you.

Uh, no, but, you know,

you don't have to mention that every time I come over.

It's not like I'm gonna forget Dad died, you know,

like it's my keys or Minnie Driver.

[both chuckle]

I have two pieces of good news

that I wanted to share from my world.

I can't wait to hear it.

Number one,

John Stamos was delightful on The Chew yesterday.

How about it? That's great!

No, no. I'm kidding.

- You're joking? - It was a joke.

Billy...

And number two, I got a new agent.

- Two bits of good news. - Thank you.

Ruchel, you hear that? Billy's got a new agent.

But you got to remember, you know,

there's other things in your life you need.

You know, you need that special someone to share this with.

(Ruchel) Garry, pick up your fucking shoes.

They stink!

All right. Sorry about that.

Um, how's the dry-cleaning business?

- Better than ever. - Really?

- Better than ever. - Great.

There's a fun overlap, actually,

is that a lot of the Broadway shows are coming to me now,

doing, uh--I'm cleaning the costumes for On the Town.

Oh, wow.

Do you know that show, On the Town?

Of course, yes.

Everybody into the dining room.

It's time for the first hour of blessings.

[rock music]

Of all the self-satisfied--

I mean, where does Nicole even get off

saying I don't have any veteran friends?

Well, noodles, you don't.

Yeah, I know. But who is she? Nobody.

Just a beautiful, obedient redhead

that my mother wishes that I was.

Well, I don't wish you were anybody else.

And she has the nerve

to tell me how she thinks I live my life?

I don't think so.

You watch me become the person

Nicole doesn't believe I am just to teach her a lesson.

I'll find some veteran friends.

I'll even volunteer.

That'll show the bitch.

[phone chimes]

Siri, where can I volunteer tonight with veterans?

Tonight? I don't want you cavorting around New York City

at night with military men.

Oh, Arthur, I'll be fine.

I insist on coming with you.

I don't want you to be you-know-whatted.

Did I ever tell you about the time that Laura Linney

tried to walk to her car alone after a day of recording intros

to Downton Abbey?

No.

Well, she kept telling me to go,

but I wouldn't hear of it.

You have to escort a lady to her vehicle.

And sure enough, she was followed by a crazy fan.

He kept shouting, "Hey, Laura Dern!

Amy Adams! Holly Hunter!"

It wasn't until I told him who she was

that he left her alone.

Before I bless the bread and the wine and the salad forks

and the napkin holders,

I want to say something to Uncle Billy,

and I'm sure I speak for everybody here when I say

that we are absolutely fine with you being gay.

Okay.

And, um, I am still coming to terms

with the fact that you like Billy Joel.

So... [laughs]

I'm proud of my record collection.

I'll admit that.

But, Billy, look around the table.

Move your head around, and just take it all in.

We are your family,

and we want you to feel comfortable in our home.

Well, I don't.

I'm just kidding.

You were being honest.

No, I wasn't. I'm kidding.

I don't know if you're just kidding.

- Stop it, please. - No, I'm not gonna stop it.

Come on, let's eat.

Can you take smaller bites, please?

I can't let out the seams in your bat mitzvah dress.

There's not enough fabric.

Norma Aranoff got her dress at Saks.

That's because Moscha Aranoff invented a laser

you can use on skin tags

and he was smart enough to patent it.

That's besides the point.

(Tal) Why would you say that to your child?

That is not a patent. He had permission--

- How is it not a patent? - You look fine, by the way.

(Tal) And you would never say that to Renee.

[all arguing]

What's not comfortable about this?

So, Billy, why are you uncomfortable?

I'm not uncomfortable;

I just don't understand when everything got so Jewish.

It's fine. It's just not who we were as kids.

I mean, we didn't even fast when we were kids.

Look, I don't know what you people are doing.

If it works for you, great.

It's the holiest day of the year.

But, Garry, here's the thing.

You know what the holiest day of the year is for me?

The Golden Globes.

I don't care about the blessings.

I care about the SAG Awards.

And no one cares about those.

Show business, Garry--

that's what I care about.

That's the most Jewish thing I've ever heard.

VA hospitals never close.

They are perfect for late-night impulse volunteering.

Noods, I don't think you can just show up

and start eyeing the hospital for friends unannounced.

Oh, I'll announce myself.

Hello. Hello. Hello.

My name is Julie Kessler,

and I'm here to volunteer with some veterans.

Good morning, Vietnam!

What did you say you were here for?

To volunteer.

Well, you can't just walk in.

Are you here with a group?

Yeah. I'm in the Bee Gees.

This is why healthcare is broken.

No, no, no, it should be easy to volunt--

We got a screamer!

Now! Now!

[man screaming]

Ten minutes. I'll find a friend, and then we'll go home, okay?

I love you!

[upbeat classical music]

Candles, I know you want to show up Nicole,

but maybe this is not the way.

This is exactly the way.

Hello? Hello?

Oh, it's probably just like Bloomingdale's.

As soon as you find what you need,

then someone shows up to help you.

(man) Oh, please.

I need a friend.

Oof. Pass.

This one goes out to my favorite captain,

Captain Crunch.

[plays Taps poorly]

Coven was perfect. Coven was a lot of fun.

Emma Roberts didn't even bother me in Coven.

You know what my triggers are?

Sugar.

Uh, I try not to Google my exes.

*

Do you even know what brunch is?

Do you guys have brunch? Do soldiers have brunch?

*

Whoo! [laughs]

Taps.

I don't mind walking in circles,

but that's what we're doing.

We're not walking in a circle.

(woman) Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What do you think you're doing?

Listen, I'm gonna level with you, okay?

I need to meet a veteran so I can take him to a party

and make my mother's surrogate daughter, this bitch Nicole,

who's got eyes like fucking swimming pools--

I need to make her angry with this veteran friend.

Out.

- Thank you. - Why are you thanking her?

- I love you. - I don't care.

All right. I really wish I could see you more, you know?

And no more funeral talk, I swear.

And, you know, you don't have to come all the way out here.

I can go to you.

Okay, yeah. That'd be great.

Good idea, Garry.

You know, we don't have to go to a gay club

or anything like that.

[laughs]

I was not planning on taking you to a gay club.

Well, I would if you wanted to.

I would--I'd certainly go.

- Maybe we should do that. - Okay.

I think Ruchel would love the flaming saddle.

Or you know what? I could go to your apartment.

We could have a movie night.

Remember when we were kids,

how much fun we had during movie night?

I do. I do.

You had your tapes.

You had Mannequin and Big Business.

- You loved Mannequin. - RIP Meshach Taylor.

Yeah, and I had Shoah and Fiddler.

Well, you always had a soft spot for Topol.

- I did. - We could agree on that.

Yes, and you know what else?

Born on the Fourth of July.

- That's right. - You remember that?

Yes.

We're never, never

gonna let the people of the United States

forget that war!

All right, I'll call you, Garry.

- Okay, I'll see you later. - Okay.

All right.

*

I feel like I need two weeks of recovery

for every day I spend with my family.

Family is like religion;

it's just for when you're dying or getting married.

Any other time is just superfluous.

(man) This month on HBO,

from producers Tom Hanks, Steven Spielberg,

and Steven "Little Steven" Van Zandt,

comes the true story of Stanley Pilburn,

a World War II soldier

who put six other soldiers' lives above his.

Wow. Now, there's an impressive veteran friend.

Yeah, where was that guy last night?

Wait a minute.

Didn't you say your agent was friends with someone at HBO?

Yeah.

Oh, maybe he could get us into that premiere party.

[regal music]

I don't know a single person at this party,

and I have never felt more at home.

There's the cast of Getting On.

We have to say hi to Niecy Nash.

- Oh, and it's Little Steven. - Where?

Little Steven. Look, between those two.

Oh, my God.

He's wearing his luxury bandanna.

- What a class act. - I love him.

Have you seen Stanley Pilburn anywhere yet?

No, but, I mean, you know, he'll come.

He's the guest of honor.

God, I can't wait to show up to Nicole's graduation party

and see her stupid face

when she sees that I'm not only with a veteran,

I'm with a famous veteran.

Oh, hold on.

That guy's Cab Culver. He works at HBO.

He knows my agent. Let's say hi.

- Excuse me. - Excuse us.

(Billy) Hey. Cab Culver, right? You work at HBO?

I'm Billy Epstein.

My agent, Skippy Truce,

mentioned that you guys were friends.

- Oh, yeah. Skippy. - Yes, exactly.

The agent that's not Jewish.

Oh, this is my colleague Marcy Stein.

- Hello. - Hi, nice to meet you.

So we know who we are. Who are you?

I'm a comedian with an agent.

I write recaps on the internet.

Great meeting you.

Nice to meet you too.

Yes, you seem like very warm people.

No, very nice.

And by the way, when did HBO stop making comedies

and only start making gently funny comedies?

Oh, yeah, and while we have your attention, can I just say,

is there any way we can give Ricky Gervais another show?

Yes, is it true that your slogan now is, "It's not TV;

Let's Give Ricky Gervais More Chances"?

Oh, and remember that really huge story where you guys

accidentally turned down Breaking Bad and Mad Men?

And then turned around and made John from Cincinnati?

- Please give us a show. - Just give us a show.

- Please. - Anyone.

Anyone in this party, please give us a show.

- Please give us a show. - [gasps] Billy, look.

(Julie) It's Private Pilburn, right by the restrooms.

(Billy) Oh, perfect.

You go do that. I'll get more champagne.

Good luck.

Private Pilburn? I am such a fan of your work.

Aren't you kind?

My name is Julie, and I respect veterans.

In fact, Gary Sinise and I have a contest every year

to see who respects veterans more,

and every time we just tie,

because we love our nation's veterans.

Oh, thank you.

It's nice to know that your generation

appreciates the freedoms we fought for.

Absolutely, and in gratitude,

I was wondering if you would do me the honor

of being my special guest at a graduation party.

You and me? At a party?

- Yes. - Ooh, why, yes.

[laughs] Oh, Private Pilburn!

You've made my night, sir.

And may I say also, thank you for your service.

I'll tell you what.

Let's skip the party,

walk over to the restroom.

You can service me there.

What?

You remind me of Maureen O'Hara.

I always wanted her to suck me off.

Billy!

This veteran is disgusting!

[crowd gasps]

Hey, hey. What did I say, huh?

That man's a pervert.

- Getting On girl! - Getting On girl!

- We've seen it. - Getting On, we love you!

Laurie Metcalf! MADtv! MADtv!

All right, we're going!

- They're comics or something. - They're nobody.

Fine. You don't have to touch us.

I'm getting gift bags. No, excuse me.

I'm getting gift bags!

I'm coming up the stairs.

I know how to walk up stairs!

How many parties have we been kicked out of now?

What am I going to do?

Nicole's graduation party is in less than 24 hours,

and I haven't met a single veteran

that I could use to make her look like an asshole.

Well, maybe don't go to the party.

Just once, I wanted to show up Nicole

and prove to her that I'm the better person,

even if that is a total lie.

This is really important to you?

Yes. Yes, it is.

What?

You want to go see On the Town again?

I know someone who cleans their costumes.

[upbeat music]

Okay, so you can have as much food as you want.

I don't know what's kosher or not.

And, um, if Nicole asks, you've been to battle, okay?

- Okay. - And by the way, Garry.

Thank you so much for doing this.

- You look great. - Oh, I'm so happy to be here.

(Nicole) Excuse me, everyone.

Hi.

I just want to thank all of you for coming

to my graduation party.

But most of all,

I want to thank the mom I never had, Marilyn Kessler.

I cannot wait to follow in your footsteps.

Well, you can try, but I have tiny feet.

Tiny tiny.

[laughs] That's so cute.

Julie, would you like to say a few words about your mom?

Sure, yeah. Thank you.

Thanks, Mom.

Thank you, Nicole. Okay.

No, I know where to stand. Thanks, Nicole.

I just wanted to say that today isn't about us.

It's about our troops,

it's about our veterans,

and it's about how they fought for our freedoms.

So please join me in boycotting Bernie's Boot Camp.

Thank you.

And for a few words about that and our country,

I want to bring to the stage right now my best friend,

Sergeant Garry Epstein,

who's a veteran!

Thank you. At ease.

We are never, never gonna let the people of the United States

forget that war.

Born on the Fourth of July.

(Garry) Because the moment we do,

there's gonna be another war

and another and another.

I'd like to say one more thing.

I have a gay brother, and I am not ashamed.

So let's end this whole Don't Ask, Don't Tell thing.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Everyone, enjoy the party.

[laughs]

Huh?

It was great. Thank you.

I think I got bitten by that showbiz bug.

(Billy) Well, you know what they say.

Friends and families come and go,

but show business is forever.

(Garry) Forever and ever.

[phone chiming] - Oh, speaking of which...

My agent. Gotta go.

I love this guy.

He calls Billy on a Sunday.

He reaches out on Yom Kippur.

Once he texts him on Ramadan,

I'm gonna make him put a ring on it.

- Sweetheart. - Hi, Mom.

I can't wait to throw you a graduation party.

Or a wedding.

Or a baby shower.

I know you mean well, but that really hurts my feelings.

What if I went blonde?

Now, I'm not talking about anything age-inappropriate.

I'm just talking about something to give me a little lift.

Would-- - Billy, what's wrong?

My agent committed suicide this morning.

- He what? - You have an agent?

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

Don't worry, Billy.

It probably has nothing to do with you.

Oh, well, thanks for the grief counseling, Marilyn.

Well, if you want to talk any more about it,

you know where to reach me.

Julie has my number.

I got to say, Billy,

after the events of today, life is short, you know?

*

Don't spend too much of it with your family.

This is getting too real.

You want to duck out of here

and see that new Rachel McAdams movie?

It's supposed to be terrible.

The worst.

(Julie) Excuse us. Pardon us.

(Billy) I'm so glad we survived that party.

You know, in a way, we're veterans.

Yes.

So ends a week of family awfulness.

- You're my family. - You're my family.

You're my family.

I know.

(Scotto) A World War II veteran currently the subject

of a new documentary was arrested last night

after following the cast of Getting O into the restroom.

Let me alone, you mother[bleep].

I'll get you for this [bleep], you [bleep].

Oh, my God.

(Scotto) Spokespeople for the actors involved

did not make an official comment,

but as the story breaks,

we will continue to bring you updates.

I hope Laurie Metcalf is okay.

You see, I should have stayed with her.

Always walk Laura Linney to her car.

(Scotto) In other show business news,

HBO is developing a heartbreaking true story

about an agent who committed suicide

just days after he was diagnosed with a brain hemorrhage

that caused him to sign random people.

Ricky Gervais is slated to star.

* Duh, duh, duh

[both singing]

*

(man) Ow!

* Thought it'd be easy

* Thought they didn't know

* You thought it was the only way to go *

* Another way out

* Found on the way home

* Thought you were living fast

* But you were living slow

*