Original subtitles

When you were growing up in Queens,

did you ever think that you'd be the bartender

on Watch What Happens Live?

Oh, please.

Any gay guy who can get themselves to the studio

is gonna get a turn.

No, come on. It's a big deal.

I'm excited for you.

(Andy) Hey! Billy, right?

(Billy) Andy, how are you?

Thank you so much for this.

This is so awesome.

I'm Julie. I write Housewives Recap.

I know exactly who you are.

Listen, our second guest,

the one who's legitimately famous,

found out that you were here and asked that you leave.

Actually, it was more of

a "him or me" kind of situation, but--

- Are you kidding? - No.

- Who is it? - Chelsea Handler.

- Why does she hate you? - I don't know.

I think I tweeted the other day something like,

"What would I rather see less: Chelsea Handler's nipples

or her Netflix talk show?"

It's a joke!

I think I used to make fun of After Lately

when it premiered.

When was that, like, 2011?

The same year you called me

"an organ-grinding monkey in Gucci"

at the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion?

Yeah, it was Ralph Lauren,

and I felt pretty that day.

So I guess me subbing in for Billy

is out of the question?

Not gonna happen.

And, actually, we would love it

if you could leave now, because I don't want you

running into her in the hallway.

What are you gonna do for a bartender?

Uh, we'll get a robot.

[driving punk rock music]

*

[door opens]

You're back early.

- I was banned from Bravo! - Congratulations.

It's Chelsea Handler's fault.

(Billy) No, it's my fault too.

I need to stop being mean to celebrities.

Every time I talk shit about a famous person,

I lose a potential gig.

Talking shit about celebrities is what we do, okay?

It's the only thing that comes more naturally to us

than breathing air.

I know, but maybe it's time to pull a Perez Hilton.

Pose in a Speedo with a baby in the bathtub?

No, I mean stop being mean to celebrities.

Just as it's starting to pay off?

Chelsea Handler knows who you are now.

Maybe it's just a question of picking your feuds

as your star rises.

I'm hungry. Are you hungry?

Arthur, is there dinner?

No, I'm sorry, noodles.

I was just far too spent when I go home.

Would you like pizza?

I guess.

Arthur, are you okay?

Yes, thank you, Billy.

And I'm sorry I didn't get up to greet you when you came in.

It's just pledge drive week at PBS,

and it is even crazier than last year--

Oh, my God, I just got invited

to The Simpsons Live at Town Hall afterparty.

(Billy) Oh, I didn't get that invitation,

probably because I'm mean to everyone.

I bet I said something provocative about Yeardley Smith

on Instagram at some point.

Is it "Yard-ley" or "Yeard-ley?"

I don't know.

And an invitation will always be redundant,

because you will always be my plus one.

Well, thank you.

What am I, flaked sandwich meat?

And as far as the whole being nice to celebrities thing,

I'm not in favor of it,

particularly because Chrissy Teigen just weighed in

on the Greek elections.

Oh, well, she doesn't have

quite the shrewd political mind

of a Naya Rivera.

No, I don't want to be mean anymore!

God damn it!

Whatever you want to do,

I will support you either way.

Well, we have that bingo gig tomorrow night.

You think we can do it without going full mean?

If you're nice, I'll be nice too.

And as our gift to you,

we'll provide you with this wonderful swag.

We've got Classic Doo-Wop. We've got--

(Arthur) Oh, God!

Chad Arrow is so arrogant

about making the most pledge money.

I mean, the odds are in his favor.

He's in prime time,

giving away doo-wop CDs.

PBS viewers love doo-wop!

It's like catnip to PBS viewers!

I'm going to bed. Good night.

Good night, Arthur.

An unexpected bonus might be

to speak with Clare here.

Clare, could you smile?

(Arthur) Turn that off.

*

- That was awful. - I know.

I hate bombing!

Let's take this into consideration.

We did sub in for a drag queen

and an insult comic on bingo night.

So what does that mean?

I'm just saying maybe this wasn't the best time

to debut our new material

about how nice Naomi Watts seems.

I think it's the venue.

I think we need to give the nice thing one more chance.

Excuse me. I'm so sorry.

I think you dropped something.

- What? - What?

30-day chip from AA. Look at that.

[clicks tongue]

What the hell are you doing to my friend?

I'm gonna call the cops.

Sorry, sorry.

I'm--I'm Abra Cadouglas,

grateful recovering alcoholic

and magician.

What's that in your pocket, sir?

- What? - Check your pocket.

(Billy) What?

"Abra Cadouglas."

Abra Cadouglas, yes.

"Williamsburg's premier sober magician"?

There's more than one?

She's here every Tuesday night.

She does this magic show

that's themed around her recovery.

I freaking love you so much.

Oh, thank you so much. Thank you.

Magic is an illusion made up of many steps.

Sobriety takes just 12.

Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo.

First...we admitted

that our lives had become unmanageable.

[applause]

[rings clattering]

Is this crazy, or is this good?

Once I was so desperate for alcohol

that I shoplifted a can of hair spray

and then drank it.

Woke up three days later on a boat with Bill Pullman.

Now, that's crazy.

Abra Cadouglas is my name,

and I have to get out of this bar.

Something bad's gonna happen.

Good night.

Bye. Makes me laugh so much.

Last week, she sawed her sponsor in half.

That does not surprise me.

[sighs]

- I'm Billy, by the way. - Hey, I'm Fred.

- Hey, Fred. - Hey.

You didn't happen to see our show just now, did you?

Oh, no, no.

You know, I usually try to make it here

for the bingo as well, but I had to work late today.

That is more than okay.

Are you in show business also?

No. God, no. I'm a dentist.

Dentist? Wow.

That's refreshing.

Are you single?

Rested and ready.

If that's the case,

I shall be excusing myself, Billiam.

Have a beautiful night.

Nice meeting you.

Bye.

[both chuckle]

Hey, can I get you another beer?

I'm gonna fuck you, yeah.

Wow, okay.

I'm just kidding.

Uh, you want to see a show tomorrow night?

Yeah, great.

[upbeat music]

*

I just think it would be so disgusting

to look inside a mouth every five minutes.

Well, I mean, you know, when it's gross,

it's usually more about the tongue

than it is the teeth.

Ugh, that's-- that is just disgusting.

Tongues are weird. They're scaly.

Mm! Ew.

Later.

Oh, my God, there's Marc Shaiman.

(Fred) Who's that?

(Billy) He co-wrote Hairspray

and Smash.

- Wow. - Yeah, he's amazing.

I love that you know all this stuff.

I just see a guy with gaps in his incisors.

[laughs]

Well, there's that too.

So, Billy, what do you think

is, like, the greatest injustice in show business?

Wow. Good question.

I think the greatest injustice

is probably that Martin Short doesn't have an EGOT.

You know what the EGOT is?

It's someone who has an Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, and Tony.

And I think all my second-place grievances

are probably about Marisa Tomei.

[cheers and applause]

(Bridget) Now, ladies and gentlemen,

if you've been to the show before,

you know that I always love to sing a song

and dedicate it to everybody with a pussy.

Now, if you have a pussy, I want to hear you say,

"I love my pussy!"

I love my pussy!

I said, "I love my pussy!"

I love my pussy!

(Bridget) Oh, shit.

Can I get a volunteer?

- Ooh! - Anyone.

Come on up, Horshack. Let's go.

- Whoo! - Help him out.

She chose me!

(Bridget) He's fired up.

Whoo!

[cheers and applause]

Have a seat up there.

He's a participator?

Yes, a participator.

I had no idea.

The second Bridget asked for a volunteer

to come up on stage, his hand shot up

faster than Kevin Spacey's fly at the opening of Newsies.

What is that, even,

to not be embarrassed by even just the idea

of audience participation?

I don't know; I don't even like it at a concert,

like when the lead singer goes, "Now you guys sing."

No. Fuck you.

Yeah, I paid you to sing, thank you very much.

I don't ask Imagine Dragons to come here and wait tables.

It's bullshit.

And if I am gonna sing,

there's thousands of people there.

Would my voice make a difference?

No, not when everybody around you is doing it.

- It's like voting. - That's elitist.

Why are you the only ones that get to sing and dance

or whatever the hell it is you do?

You think I'm a dancer? Really?

Is it the arch in my back?

Look, if nonperformers want to perform,

they have karaoke and Halloween to use

for act-out and dress-up times.

(Nate) But what's the point in going to see anything

if you can't take part in it?

[scoffs] You would say that.

He turns into such a racial stereotype

whenever we go to the movies together.

He's always talking back to the screen

or yelling "watch out" to characters in trouble.

You know, you really ruined Blue Valentine for me.

Michelle Williams was going to get her heart broken.

That is the plot!

Are we talking about audience participation?

Boy, I have a story

about when I was in Tony n' Tina's Wedding.

(Billy) Oh, I'm shocked.

Shut up, Billy.

So the whole show,

for those of you who don't know,

is audience participation.

[laughing]

And we had so much fun.

[laughing]

That's your story?

[laughs]

So Fred is a participator.

Is that the only thing you don't like about him?

Yeah, you know, he's a great guy.

He has an actual job.

He's an adult.

Then don't do what you usually do

and break up with a good guy because of a tiny, dumb reason.

Is that what I do?

both: Yes. - You'll die alone.

Why don't you just take him someplace

other than a show?

Okay.

That's a good idea.

You're very smart, Nate.

You never sat next to him

when he's yelling at the Coca-Cola polar bears

before the movie starts.

They're gonna get diabetes.

[light music]

Ugh, let me guess.

Pizza again for dinner?

And the place is a mess.

What a dump, eh, Martha?

Sorry. I'm just hungry.

Every year, it's the same.

PBS has a pledge drive,

and I need understanding from you that I don't get.

And you're such a supportive partner to Billy.

Why can't I get some of that, Julie?

You used my real name.

If I don't raise enough money,

I could lose my job.

Gabby told me that today.

If you lose your job, we'll get you another job,

maybe at a for-profit network this time.

I could even pitch them.

This is not about you!

[sighs]

Okay, Arthur.

I acknowledge that when it comes to our relationship,

I tend to be J.Lo to your Judy Greer.

But I'm trying to fix your problem.

Yeah, that's just it, Julie.

You're trying to fix it,

'cause that's what you want to do.

I'm asking for sympathy and support.

I need you to listen.

Otherwise, you may as well not even be here.

Oh, well, maybe you need to be left alone.

Why don't I just give you the apartment for the week?

Fine!

If that's the case,

why don't I just take the dogs too

so you don't have to worry about walking them?

Good!

Great!

I'll just grab my toothbrush.

Or I won't.

I'll just buy a new one at Duane Reade.

Great idea.

So I'll just take the dogs

and their food and beds

and my hair stuff.

The dogs, their food and bed,

and my hair stuff,

and my laptop...

and jacket, 'cause it's cold outside.

The dogs, their food and beds,

hair stuff, jacket because it's cold outside,

and laptop.

And this DVD of The Jerk.

See you Monday.

And that's all I need!

Come on, guys.

Darling.

Hi, Mom.

Welcome home.

Can the dogs stay outside?

For how long do we have the pleasure of your company?

Until Arthur stops being mad at me

or pledge week ends, whichever comes first.

Did you ever wonder whether Arthur's drinking problem

is affecting your relationship?

I don't think he has a drinking problem.

We're having dinner with the Cuppermans

tomorrow night.

You're invited to join if you'd like.

I don't know if--

They have a single son.

We didn't break up.

Well, you're not married.

I know.

Why don't the dogs stay in cages?

Because they're not canaries.

Wait here; I have this article I want to show you

about women with performance backgrounds

moving on to lucrative careers.

Oh, and I have another one about a study they did.

Apparently, Jewish women who marry Jewish men

have happier children.

We've got to get Daddy to let Mommy come home.

You, um, looked like you were having a good time up there.

Oh, my God, what a blast.

I mean, of all the crazy things,

I'm not even a performer.

Not even an aspirational one?

Oh, God, no. No, no, no.

I love what I do.

(woman) * Happy birthday...

* Birthday to you

(people and Fred) * Happy birthday to you

* Happy birthday, dear...person *

* Happy birthday to you

* And many more

Whoo!

Happy birthday.

Fred, you're a really sweet guy.

I think it's great you don't want to be a performer.

But I worry that what you are

makes us even more incompatible.

You're a... participator.

What--what's that?

Like getting on stage with Bridget

and singing Happy Birthday with these people.

You don't know these people.

I--I just like to sing.

What's the big deal?

It's like Game of Thrones.

I want to be okay with it, but I'm not.

[rock music]

Hi. Julie Kessler for Arthur Tack.

- Noodles. - Oh, hi!

I brought you lunch.

And look, I found those olives you like.

And bitters. I found bitters.

Hello, Julie.

Hey, Gabby. How's the pledge drive?

Uh, we're doing the best we can.

Hey, have you guys ever considered

changing your pitch?

It's like tote bags and umbrellas?

What kind of message does that send?

"I love books" and "oh, good, it's raining"?

We can't afford better gifts.

Oh.

One of Julie's favorite hobbies

is fixing things when she thinks they need fixing,

even when it's my boss.

Ooh, then what if you just jazzed up the pledge breaks?

I mean, it doesn't have to be expensive.

It could be cheap,

like when Comedy Central did those roasts.

Let's get back to work.

Wait, Gabby.

Seriously, I think this is kind of a great idea.

First ever PBS roast?

I mean, we could pack the dais with PBS personalities

and rip them all new assholes--

Charlie Rose, Cookie Monster,

those creepy twins from Antiques Roadshow.

I grew up with those brothers.

They're family friends.

I bathed with those twins.

This conversation is hurtful.

And out of respect to my boundaries,

I am going.

Thanks for lunch.

[sighs]

[stirring music]

Everybody on Veep talks too fast.

I'm switching it to Big Bang.

Why did Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting

only make $1 million for this episode?

Is that true?

It's amazing.

When you're here, she actually listens.

I listen to everything you say.

You're upset because you brought Arthur lunch

and he was too drunk to realize you were there.

That's not the story.

I think it's very close. Who wants popcorn?

Isn't this fun?

It's like a slumber party.

Hey, Billy, want to see my yearbook?

I was a size zero,

and that's a 1969 size zero.

I was the size of Allison Janney's arm.

- Wow. - Very, very small.

I'll be right back.

I have to get out of here.

I miss my boyfriend.

I know, and looking at you,

I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't have dumped Fred.

Is it the worst thing in the world

to be a participator?

No. I mean, it's up there.

Oh, it's time for Arthur's shift.

Turn on PBS quick.

Here you are.

Thank you.

Where did my nerds go?

Hello, public television fans.

We hope you are enjoying hour three

of The Slow Dances of Tibet.

And now it's umbrella time.

(Billy) Oh, my God, it's umbrella time.

How exciting is that?

I feel like I've been shot in the face

with a tranquilizer dart.

Arthur told me he gets the worst programs

during the worst shifts.

No, they're contaminating the popcorn.

Oh, God, that's a Marimekko bowl.

We are a family here, and we need your help.

Isn't that right, Arthur?

(Billy) Oh, here's Arthur.

(Julie) Ugh, nobody's gonna pledge any money for this.

Coming up after the final Tibetan dance,

set to complete silence,

a number from the musical The Hairspray.

He's gonna get fired.

[rock music]

*

How did you get in here?

I told the security guard

I was Shari Lewis's granddaughter.

Well, the pledge thermometer hasn't budged.

Hopefully, people will tune in during the Hairspray song.

Oh, who's doing it?

Harvey Fierstein is singing with Cheyenne Jackson,

and Marc Shaiman is playing piano.

Wow, the gay trifecta.

I wonder who they'll contact in the inevitable séance.

Ross Matthews?

Ross Matthews isn't dead yet.

Oh, right.

I want to meet Marc Shaiman.

(Shaiman) My ears are burning.

And it's not venereal.

[laughter] - Hey, hi, how are ya?

I'm Billy.

I saw Bridget Evancho the other night,

and your songs are amazing.

Yeah, right?

I'm Julie Kessler. I'm such a fan of yours.

I wouldn't even know where to begin.

Julie Kessler.

Don't you write recaps of TV shows?

Yes.

You wrote something really nasty about us on Smash.

Well, if I said anything mean about it,

I'm sure I was just upset

that Ivy didn't get the role of Marilyn.

Do you have any idea how hard we work on those songs?

And then it's so easy for you people

to just trash 'em.

It wasn't that easy.

I had 300 words due that day by noon.

You here to write some more shit about me online?

I'm here because the pledge breaks are so boring,

I decided to help my boyfriend--

Oh, great, so now I'm boring.

You know what? I'm leaving.

What? Mr. Shaiman, no.

Tell Harvey and Cheyenne I'll meet them

at the M&M store.

Oh, thanks a lot, mouse pad.

Now with Shaiman gone,

I have nothing lined up for the next pledge break.

I was just trying to help.

And yet...

Shit!

Okay, I can fix this.

What if we do your PBS roast idea?

Uh, we can't just-- we have nothing prepared.

It's making fun of PBS celebrities.

We can do it in our sleep.

Doesn't that go against your whole resolution

about being nicer to celebrities?

Fuck celebrities!

I mean, except for Wendy Williams.

Look, you need me, and Arthur needs you.

Arthur.

We have an idea.

Welcome to the first ever PBS roast.

Now, before we move on, I just want to acknowledge

all of our viewers who are taking time

out of not having sex to watch our show.

Thank you so much.

Your balls are bluer than Cookie Monster's.

(Billy) And speaking of Sesame Street,

Maria from Sesame Street was supposed to be here tonight,

but Charlie Rose wouldn't let her have the night off

from cleaning his apartment.

And speaking of Charlie Rose,

this isn't a joke or anything,

but he just seems like a really mean pervert to me,

like the kind of guy that only likes porn

where a lady's getting it from behind

and her head is in the toilet.

And I hate to take things into a negative place,

but, PBS, I have a beef with you.

Why did you cancel Shining Time Station?

If there is one thing children love,

it's having Ringo Starr yell at them about trains.

(Billy) There are so many good shows you guys don't play anymore.

What about The Frugal Gourmet?

Remember that show?

That was one of my grandmother's favorites.

You know, the original title of The Frugal Gourmet

was The Cheap Cunt.

Or Mr. Bean. Everybody loves Mr. Bean.

Hey, Billy, you know that's what I call my clitoris?

Oh, wow.

Maggie Smith knows what I'm talking about.

Well, despite an FCC fine

and an email from Gabby firing me,

which she later retracted,

you guys really saved my patoot.

Yes, Arthur, this video has over 100,000 views already.

Not since the days of Too Many Cooks--

remember Too Many Cooks?

No.

This video has gotten so many donations

that PBS raised more money than we ever have,

over $1,143!

Oh, Arthur, I'm so proud of you.

And I promise going forward, I'm going to give you

the five days a year that you need.

Oh, thank you, porcupine,

but those days are over for this year.

Welcome home. I'll make dinner tonight.

Mm-mm, no.

We have tickets to Abra Cadouglas.

Then we have to go to that Simpsons party.

When did you get tickets for Abra Cadouglas?

Well, it was my big play to get Fred back,

but he never replied to my email.

- Fuck Fred. - Fuck Fred.

Now if I want to go to a magic show with a gay guy,

the only left is Neil Patrick Harris.

[lively music]

Oh, my God, this place is packed.

It's a good thing you got tickets

before Abra Cadouglas exploded, apparently.

Oh, my God, is that Martha Stewart

and Nathan Lane?

I guess Abra's the toast of the town.

- Oh, my God. - What?

That's Fred. And he brought a date.

(Julie) The nerve of him.

I hate them both!

No, no, no, you don't have to hate them.

It's my fault; I was being nice to celebrities

and mean to guys I date.

I should be doing the reverse.

Oh, don't be so hard on yourself.

- Oh! - Here we go.

(man) She's sober. She's magical.

She's Abra Cadouglas!

[applause] - Whoa, whoa, whoa!

The road to recovery is long,

and so is this scarf.

Oh, it never ends. It never ends.

Lifelong commitment to...

serenity.

Abra Cadouglas.

[cheers and applause]

When I say, "A," you say, "A."

- A. - A.

- A. - A.

Higher power. Thank you so much.

[scattered applause]

For my next trick, I'm gonna need a volunteer.

Who's it gonna be?

- Should I do it? - Anybody?

Because if I do it,

maybe Fred will see that I'm okay with it

and then he'll have to take me back.

Are you serious?

You have to think about this, Billy.

I don't have time to think. I'll do it!

Yes, you will.

Give him a round of applause.

He just got a service commitment.

[applause]

Sir, what's your name?

Um, Billy.

(all) Hi, Billy.

Hi, and I just want to say that I'm not above this.

And I'm having a great time, and I'm up for anything.

Billy, I'm gonna need you to sit inside of this wagon.

Okay, all right.

This trigger represents an obstacle to recovery,

or a trigger.

Oh, Jesus.

Work stress.

Co-dependent parents.

Dating too soon in recovery.

[laughter]

Living above a bar!

No, okay. All right. Oh.

Presto chango, you're off the wagon.

[applause]

Abra Cadouglas!

Oh, God, you're still wet?

Well, I mean, you know...

Was that as humiliating as it looked?

Oh, much more so.

Hey, Billy.

Hey, Fred. How are you?

Good to see you.

Look at me; I participated.

Yeah, you know, I feel like this whole thing

was like an exercise in empathy.

Yeah, I guess that's what it was.

Such a huge turnoff

to see somebody embarrass themselves on stage like that.

I'll see you around.

Come on, Mordecai.

Never do the right thing.

I know.

Never do the right thing!

I know. I know. I know. I'm sorry.

Let's go to that Simpsons party.

[dramatic classical music]

Kessler. K-e-s-s-l-e-r.

Just look again.

Here, show him the invite on your phone.

This says, "Julie Kavner."

- What? - What are you talking about?

JulieK@gmail.

With or without an underscore, though?

- Shit. - No, that was a mistake.

We meant to invite Julie Kavner, because

she is an integral part of the longevity of The Simpsons.

You know, I don't need to hear your musings

on Julie Kavner's star quality right now.

Yeah, well, you, I've never heard of.

Next.

See? I wasn't invited either.

And it has nothing to do with whether or not

we're nice or mean to celebrities.

It's just the way it is.

It has to do with the fact that nobody knows who we are.

Hey.

[laughs] Billy, isn't it?

- Yeah. - Oh, my God.

[laughs]

Oh, my God, Martin Short.

Gee, you're taller in person.

I--I am very tall.

Oh, my God, yes, I'm Billy Epstein.

How do you know who I am?

I'm a huge fan of yours,

and you recognizing me is changing my entire night.

Yeah, you were at Abra Cadouglas's show.

- Were you just there? - Yes.

Oh, my God, that's crazy.

And what--you know my standup or something?

No, no, I've never seen it.

I can't imagine you'd have a standup.

If you do, you shouldn't.

You were just this awkward guy

that they brought up

and kind of made a goof of himself.

Gee, you have no charisma,

but I think that's maybe your strength.

I don't know, but it's fun for us to watch.

Hey, now, you remind me of a young Shari Lewis.

Jerry Lewis.

- Okay. - Yeah.

Anyway, got the big teeth.

Anyway, good to see you.

[rock music]

(man) * Ow

* Thought it'd be easy

* Thought they didn't know

* You thought it was the only way to go *

* Another way out

* Found on the way home

* Thought you were living fast

* But you were living slow

*