Original subtitles

(Julie) So we're in L.A., and we're in an elevator.

(Billy) In one of those condos

that people rent out for pilot season.

Yeah, the ones where the bathrooms are basically coated

so it's easier to wash off suicide blood.

And all of a sudden, we hear, "Hold the door."

And into the elevator runs these three rats

in Swarovski crystal collars.

Chihuahuas.

And then as if summoned by some higher power,

the dark silhouette of their owner enters the frame.

And it's Katharine McPhee.

[audience member coughing]

From Smash. American Idol?

Hour two of us stuck in an elevator with Katharine McPhee.

Yes.

We've eaten all of Katharine McPhee's food.

- The end. - Thank you.

Okay, great. Thanks, guys.

Right on, right on. Good stuff.

Guys, the next storyteller coming to the stage

is a favorite here at The Caterpillar.

Welcome, Andrea Mumford.

[cheering and clapping]

When my uncle molested me the first time,

I thought he was joking.

[driving punk rock music]

Most people bring flowers to their mother's funeral.

I brought a lifetime of bad choices.

She got applause before she even started.

We were up there for 17 minutes. Nothing.

Maybe we should rethink this whole storytelling thing.

No, we're gonna crack it.

Julie, we've tried three stories here

and every time, nothing.

It's like my dick with women.

At this point I'd be okay if they even booed us.

Yeah, like my dick with women.

- Shh. - Oh, excuse me.

- You be--you shush. - The show's over there.

The show's in the other direction.

Who you been stuck in the elevator with?

Nobody.

And that is when I learned to accept my HIV and my AIDS.

Thank you.

[cheering and clapping]

Hmm. She's--she's fine.

She knows what she's doing.

*

Where's Billy?

Hello, Mom.

And Mom's breasts.

This is why I wanted Billy.

Gay men understand the value of a makeover.

That very well may be, but he's

at an audition right now.

Oh, must be nice.

Well, how are you gonna carry all this stuff out?

Well, I guess I could call Arthur,

but he has arms like Lincoln Logs.

Of course, your father, he's at a convention in Houston.

I swear he plans his trips just to avoid my crises.

Can I carry this off?

Mom, what's going on?

I wasn't asked to speak at the psych convention this year.

They said this year they're looking for fresh voices.

I'm sorry, Mom. Fuck them.

Don't be crude.

But thank you.

And yes, fuck them.

I just feel I need to do something

to make myself seem younger,

and I refuse to look like those "real housewives"

with all that crazy plastic surgery.

Why can't women age gracefully

like Jane Fonda or Jessica Lange?

I hate to break it to you, Mom,

but those women have probably

had as much surgery as the "real housewives."

It's just better work.

Well, still.

I'm not gonna cut my face up

just for the approval of society.

Look at you, all feminist.

Now those "housewife" skanks, they deserve to look crazy.

It's their punishment for being such needy whores.

And there's the mom I have.

All right. Carry as much as you can.

I got to clean this place up before my 7:00.

She's a compulsive spender.

I don't want this to be a trigger.

Oh, hey, are those my high school journals?

I don't know; they were holding up my shoe caddy.

Oh, Brian Walsh.

You mean that alcoholic from The Eagles?

He was this kid I was in love with in high school,

and he ignored me and that made me more obsessed with him.

God, I guess even back then I was chasing

approval from someone I'd never get it from.

I have been blessed with a figure that can wear anything.

*

Okay.

So, Billy?

Yes, Epstein.

I know, a Jew in comedy.

How will I ever defy the odds and make it?

That's hilarious.

So we're remaking Vice Versa.

Father and son switch bodies.

For this scene, you're playing a grown man

with the mind of a 13-year-old boy.

Oh, wow. Imagine being a Comedy Central executive

and being like that every day.

That's hilarious.

- So you feel ready? - Oh, yeah, sure.

- Let's do it. - Okay. Great.

Let's read.

Hey, Dad. Watch this layup.

Oh, damn it. See?

I'm never gonna make the team.

Chin up, kiddo. Just keep practicing.

Here, watch me.

I'll never be a basketball player like you.

I'll never make the team.

Okay, thank you. Have a good day.

Sorry, do you want me to do it differently?

No, thank you. It was nice meeting you.

I got to do it one more time.

Just one more time, you know?

I just--tell me what you want.

I just didn't believe you.

Didn't believe me doing what?

I didn't believe that you had an emotional connection

with your father.

Well, my dad's dead.

That's funny.

No, he really is dead, but, you know,

that's not why I didn't have an emotional connection.

I mean, you can have an emotional connection

to a dead person.

It's just that, sometimes dads and sons,

they don't play basketball.

Listen. Why don't you go home

and take a few days to research what it's like to have a father,

and come back, and I'll see you again.

Oh, that would be great.

- I'd love it. - Okay.

My dad died, and I got a callback.

Finally paid off.

It's all who you know, and if you're lucky,

they're dead.

Hey, isn't that the truth?

Somebody loves pickles.

It's a Vlasic.

You're like the stork.

God, I wish. Can I tell you the trouble

I've had trying to get pregnant?

My womb's like the desert.

*

You took me to a bowling alley

to observe fathers and sons interacting

for your Vice Versa callback?

Yes, I know it's stupid, but, I don't know.

Isn't that a thing people do?

Teach their kids to bowl.

No. Look around.

Like, prostitutes and people about to become prostitutes.

There's not a single child here.

I don't know what to do, Julie.

I can't tap into memories of my dad

because we didn't do things like work on cars

or build tree houses or any of that Berenstain Bears shit.

Those Jewish bears did the best they could living

in that stupid tree, okay?

Either way, I have to say I'm very proud of you

for demanding a second chance at your audition.

Well, thank you. And I'm very proud

of myself too.

My life is going very well.

I'm at a bowling alley about to sit down on a napkin.

I keep thinking about Brian Walsh.

I wish I could demand a second chance from him.

Well, you should. He's your very own James Spader

- in Pretty in Pink. - Or in Secretary.

Do you remember when he circled all of Maggie Gyllenhaal's typos

with a Sharpie and then bent her over his desk

and jerked off on her back?

It's like a candlelit bubble bath to me.

Well, look Brian up.

I bet he's fat and bald now.

Like James Spader on The Blacklist.

Billy, I would hit Spader at any age,

and you should know that by now.

Straight girls love James Spader.

I know.

Well, I think that's disgusting.

Thank you.

Well, as long as we're here,

we should probably bowl for Columbine.

*

Are you all right, lava lamp?

You're never on the internet this long unless you're raging

against some comedy world injustice.

No, I've just come to accept that it's Charlyne Yi's year.

What are you looking at?

I found this guy I used to have a crush on

in high school on Facebook.

- Fun. - Kind of.

He never knew I was alive.

I find that impossible to believe.

Oh, Arthur.

- Why don't you get together? - Really?

Sure. Show him how great you're doing.

Are you sure you'd be cool with that?

Of course. It's not like it's a date.

- It's not? - No, no, no.

Do it here.

Have him over for a glass of wine.

I'll make quiche from scratch.

Okay, but if we do, you have to pretend

I'm really, really super successful

and I'm in an amazing relationship.

I mean, that's all true.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure, sure, but you know what I mean.

You have to be all over me,

that way we can send him home feeling bad.

I love this plan.

Look, he's in a canoe.

(Denise) Good news.

Matthew went up a whole size in a jazz shoe!

Thanks for the shopping spree, Momma Dee.

- Did you get anything for me? - No.

We didn't pass by the Salvation Army.

Oh, read him.

The library is open, diva.

Oh, is it open? The library's open.

Mm-hmm. No. No. No. No.

(Denise) What are you looking for, Matty?

Something with Angela Lansbury or Ms. Kate Capshaw.

It's that kind of day.

(announcer) Welcome back to What Are You Going To Do?

- Stop, stop; I love this show. - Me too.

Why? It's a stupid, fake show.

Right? Like people would just walk past

a breastfeeding woman getting fired?

Please.

Shut up. It's perfect.

In like half an hour, I'm gonna beat you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, hey.

- Don't touch me. - Did you just threaten her?

The only people who stop and do the right thing are black men.

It's like they give us a new test every week

and we keep winning.

Yeah, I saw someone in trouble and I decided to help, you know?

I saw this guy yelling at his girl.

(Billy) I just like it 'cause it shows people walking past

others in need.

[glass breaks] God damn it.

Again.

This place is falling apart, girl.

I'm not your girl. I'm your boss.

Nate, take your toolbox and go fix this light

before it falls on someone's head and we get sued.

My hands are greasy.

Billy, will you?

No, I can't. I don't--

Big surprise.

Seriously?

Open the toolbox and pick up the power drill.

Oh, like in Body Double.

Melanie Griffith in that movie was beyond.

Why don't you know how to use a power drill?

Because my father is dead, and when he was alive,

he was Jewish.

You know what?

I'ma teach you some fatherly shit.

Really? [phone vibrating]

Hey.

Billy, Brian Walsh is coming over.

Amazing.

Be careful with that.

You can electrocute yourself.

I don't know how I'm gonna fix this.

I don't know either, but we gonna try.

Now pick up that screwdriver.

This looks a little like Shirley MacLaine.

That right? All right, let's screw this in.

All right. I'm gonna screw it in.

Nate, how many of those have you had?

None of 'em.

I need you to move the car.

So Billy'll do it. Toss him the keys.

Oh, no. I don't know how to drive.

Or catch.

But I bet I can teach you both in an hour.

Can we make it 15 minutes?

I have my callback later.

Oh, that's something my dad taught me.

Haggling.

*

I read online you did Jessica Lange's neck.

Legally, I'm not at liberty to discuss Jessica Lange's neck

or Annette Bening's feet, but I'm very good at what I do.

I want my old eyes back.

I know it's shallow.

I shouldn't even be here.

I could give you a laser lift right now.

Do you take Amex?

*

So I said, "No, give that diversity scholarship

to someone more diverse than me."

And that's how Black-ish happened.

Cool.

I don't watch much TV.

Neither do we.

We're too busy making love.

How'd you ever resist her, Brian?

Well, to be fair, I didn't really have

much of a figure in high school.

I kind of looked like that giant red monster from Looney Toons.

You know, with the two hair humps and the big sneakers.

But not anymore.

Man, she's really sexy, isn't she, Brian?

Nice curvy shape.

Arthur, I hate the word curvy.

- Don't say curvy. - Womanly.

Well, that makes me sound like Tyne Daly.

- Pin-up girl? - I hate that whole culture.

Kat Von D, like--

Okay, well, I just think you're really sexy.

I mean, isn't she, Brian?

Yeah.

Totally sexy.

Hey, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Oh, that's my bad.

You kept saying how hot she was and grabbing her.

I figured you wanted a three-way.

What? No.

Now, Arthur.

Let's not be hasty.

*

Tell me this was the upholstery it came with,

not a choice you made.

Focus. All right.

- Hands on 12 and 4. - 12 and 4.

Or 11 and 3, or 10 and-- you know, fuck the clock.

Wherever your hands feel comfortable.

You know, instead of Vice Versa,

I wish this was an audition for Vice.

I don't know anything about dads and sons,

but I could definitely grow some hipster beard

and investigate the Green Party.

Arthur, this guy ignored me all through high school,

and having sex with someone is the cure for being ignored--

and other slutty things performers say.

I am not okay with letting you have sex

with another man in our bed.

Us. Us having sex with another man in our bed.

Have some more rosé.

Uh, I can leave if this is weird.

No. No. No, no, no, no.

Stay where you are, unless you want

to take a shower.

Do you want to take a shower?

Am I the only one who's tense?

Let's massage each other.

Corn cob...

Listen, Arthur.

I know this wasn't planned, but how often do three-ways

with this particular ratio come along?

With two guys and a girl?

You mean a devil's three-way.

That's what it's called, you know.

Listen, we're never gonna have

a sexist three-way with two girls and one guy,

because I strongly believe in my heart

that men have enough privilege as it is in this society.

Oh, would you just stop being so homophobic about this?

You think I'm being homophobic because I don't want

to take turns fucking you?

This is not a high-traffic bakery.

I shouldn't have to take a number.

Ooh, nice headphones.

Oh, thanks. They're noise-canceling.

Nice.

See? You like him too.

Arthur, I love you.

This is important to me.

If it gets weird, can we stop?

Probably.

Brian?

We're ready.

All right.

You sure you want to go through with this?

Are you sure you want to go through with this?

Are you sure you wanna go through with this?

(all) Yes.

[engine turning over]

(Nate) Okay, great. Now just keep up on the brake.

You don't need to hit the gas for this.

Look at you.

I'm proud of you, man.

You took a risk and you're killing it.

[sighs]

- You okay? - I'm fine.

I just haven't heard somebody say he's proud of me in a while.

- Sorry. - No, it's all right.

Be emotional.

You know, I think this remake of Vice Versa

is reminding me of something very important.

I miss my dad.

I wish I would've met him.

Oh, he would've hated you.

[both laugh]

(man) Oh, God, look out!

[crash] What happened?

Man, you got distracted, and you hit something.

You gave me permission to be emotional.

- Just get out of the van, man. - What?

Get out of the van.

Shh--what the hell?

Oh, my God. Oh, my--oh, my God.

(Nate) What is it? What is it? What is it, man?

Oh, my God. It's bad.

The bike is all smashed.

What? We hit a cyclist?

Not just any cyclist.

We hit David Byrne from the Talking Heads.

I can't believe I hit David Byrne.

- Who the hell is David Burns? - David Byrne!

He was the lead singer of the Talking Heads.

Is. Is the lead singer.

He's still alive.

Okay, that was my next question.

Yes. I think he's okay.

I mean, some of his recent stuff has been pretty pretentious,

but he gets a lifetime pass for Stop Making Sense.

I mean, he's one of those,

like, ugly guys that Julie likes to fuck--

Okay. Stop. Stop. Stop talking.

I need you to drive off before somebody gets my license plate.

What? This is a crime scene.

I don't care. I'm not gonna be

the black man who killed David Burns.

Oh, really? What happened to,

"Black guys always do the right thing?"

Like on What Are You Going To Do?

That is a TV show called What Are You Going--

Oh, is that a TV show?

That is a TV show called What Are You Going To Do?

This is a show on real life

called What I'm Gonna Do Right Now.

(man) Can you believe that? You serious?

I need you to put your foot on the gas.

Well, I am sure glad Dr. Cornel West

isn't around to see this.

[engine revving]

[bicycle crushing]

(man) Hey! You just can't drive off, man!

This is not right.

You are not the boss of me.

Oh, really? I'm shocked and disappointed.

Oh, are you, Dad?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

We're Vice Versa-ing.

This is it. Yes.

This is what I wanted to do.

Judge Reinhold, Fred Savage. We're doing it.

Yes, Dad and son.

It's all happening. Oh, shit.

I have my callback in 15 minutes.

Fuck David Byrne.

I gotta act.

*

Should we get started or...

I thought we did start.

[clears throat]

Brian, did you get enough quiche?

Yes, everything was delicious, thanks.

I used French butter.

[clears throat]

Ow. Ow, my leg.

- Sorry. Sorry. - It's okay.

It's just my leg.

Come here.

[dog barking]

Shut up, Senator Jellybeans.

Shut up, Greg.

Put a sock in it.

So I have a pitch.

Hi. Billy Epstein. Am I late for my audition?

Almost. I have to be at my fertility

doctor in 25 minutes, and she's in Syosset.

Okay, well, I spent the day with an amazing father figure,

and I have this role figured out.

Oh, thanks.

(man) There he is.

That's the guy who hit David Burns.

That's the guy who hit what now?

Officer, it was my fault.

Absolutely not. This is your guy.

Step outside with me for a minute, son.

No no no, officer, please. No, he was fine.

- I saw the man get up. - Let's go.

No, please. I just--please.

- Can I come back tomorrow? - No way.

You're either in a family film or you're a criminal.

You got the part. Let's go.

I learned that on A Dolphin's Tale,

and I'm not making that fucking mistake again.

Please, this is ridiculous.

I teach improv.

Noodles, that was perfect. Brilliant idea.

I'm glad you approve.

Brian? Any notes?

You guys both did great.

You seemed to take care of your bodies.

Do we seem like nice people?

Totally.

Hey, why did you ignore me in high school?

'Cause I was high all the time.

You feel better, noodles?

You know, I actually do.

(Brian) [crunching loudly]

I'm sorry, are you eating potato chips?

Yeah.

[phone vibrating and ringing]

It's my mom, calling late.

Somebody's probably dead.

God, I hope it's my aunt Bonnie.

Hey, Mom?

(Marilyn) Oh, Julie. Oh...

What's wrong?

- Mom. - Whoa!

- Mom, Mom, Mom. - Oh, Julie.

Oh, Julie, thank God you're here.

What happened to your eyes?

Oh, I got some kind of laser lift thing.

Oh, Marilyn. You're already so beautiful.

Shut up, Arthur. Now that I'm blind,

I can smell your liquor breath even more.

- Point me to the couch. - Okay, it's behind you.

Come on. Here we go.

Oh, thank you.

Why didn't you tell me about this?

I was embarrassed.

Now my eyes are all swollen.

I'm gonna heal terribly.

I'm gonna end up looking like Marty fucking Feldman.

If I look crazy, I deserve to.

Mom, there's a morality to this thing.

If you look your age, you're lazy.

If you've had noticeable plastic surgery, you're shallow.

Women over 20 can't win no matter what.

- Mom, are you sleeping? - No.

No, my mind began to wander when you started to generalize,

and then I dozed off.

Oh, I'm glad you came.

[telephone ringing]

[furniture crashing]

Is this the night of late night phone calls?

This better be Aunt Bonnie fucking dead.

I hope tonight's the night.

It's Billy.

Hello?

What?

(Arthur) So David Byrne is okay?

(Billy) Yes, David Byrne is fine.

Alive and well and ready to make music that reminds us

he used to be good.

(Julie) If you don't mind me saying so,

this has been one crazy night.

Well, I'm sorry.

Did you or did you not have a three-way tonight?

Kind of. I mean, I didn't get

spit-roasted or anything.

I know. Perchance to dream.

Back on the bucket list it goes.

- Did it help? - Eh.

I still want approval from strangers.

Sorry you didn't get your part,

but on the bright side, maybe you have a new father figure.

Yeah.

I'd rather have approval from strangers.

*

How are we gonna ask him to leave?

Just like that.

I couldn't believe he fell asleep.

Me neither. What if he wants to do it again?

I think it was a one-and-done for me.

So we'll just deal with it in the morning?

I'm not making him breakfast.

Well, nothing fancier than hot cereal and a French press.

Oh, my God.

He robbed us.

Okay.

Did you guys have a devil's three-way in here?

- What? No. - I'm sorry?

Excuse me? Why would you even ask--

Let's just start from the beginning.

Okay.

I decided to track down a guy from high school

that I always chased because he was so aloof.

(Billy) Meanwhile, across town, a casting director

was asking me very politely to leave the premises,

and I was positive David Byrne had died.

But I got the feedback I was after.

And back in the apartment,

under the dreamy gaze of the former crush

who robbed me blind,

I looked over at my boyfriend, and I realized

to appreciate the approval of the one who already chose you,

sometimes you have to bring in an audience--

and other slutty things performers say.

[laughter and applause]

Thank you.

Thank you.

- Well, that was fun. - Yeah.

But is it just me or did that room change?

Yeah, that storytelling night used to be a lot cooler.

I know. Now it's so lame.

We shouldn't do it anymore.

I was thinking that. We're too good for that.

I love how we can admit we're wrong now.

- Totally. - I like new us.

- I love new us. - You can't do this!

We're gonna have to let you go.

Let me go? For what reason?

(announcer) Tonight on What Are You Going To Do?

There's no breastfeeding at work. You're fired.

(announcer) When you think no one's looking...

You can't fire me for breastfeeding at work.

(announcer) We are.

I'm not going anywhere. This is my legal right.

You know what I want? A grilled cheese.

Oh, I would love a cheeseburger.

(man) * Ow

* Thought it'd be easy

* Thought they didn't know

* You thought it was the only way to go *

* Another way out

* Found on the way home

* Thought you were living fast

* But you were living slow

*