All language subtitles for Difficult.People.S01E02_English

(Julie)
So we're in L.A.,
and we're in an elevator.

(Billy)
In one of those condos

that people rent out
for pilot season.

Yeah, the ones where the
bathrooms are basically coated

so it's easier to wash
off suicide blood.

And all of a sudden,
we hear, "Hold the door."

And into the elevator
runs these three rats

in Swarovski crystal collars.

Chihuahuas.

And then as if summoned
by some higher power,

the dark silhouette
of their owner enters the frame.

And it's Katharine McPhee.

[audience member coughing]

From Smash.
American Idol?

Hour two of us stuck in an
elevator with Katharine McPhee.

Yes.

We've eaten
all of Katharine McPhee's food.

- The end.
- Thank you.

Okay, great.
Thanks, guys.

Right on, right on.
Good stuff.

Guys, the next storyteller
coming to the stage

is a favorite here
at The Caterpillar.

Welcome, Andrea Mumford.

[cheering and clapping]

When my uncle
molested me the first time,

I thought he was joking.

[driving punk rock music]

Most people bring flowers
to their mother's funeral.

I brought a lifetime
of bad choices.

She got applause
before she even started.

We were up there for 17 minutes.
Nothing.

Maybe we should rethink
this whole storytelling thing.

No, we're gonna crack it.

Julie, we've tried
three stories here

and every time, nothing.

It's like my dick with women.

At this point I'd be okay
if they even booed us.

Yeah, like my dick with women.

- Shh.
- Oh, excuse me.

- You be--you shush.
- The show's over there.

The show's
in the other direction.

Who you been stuck
in the elevator with?

Nobody.

And that is when I learned
to accept my HIV and my AIDS.

Thank you.

[cheering and clapping]

Hmm.
She's--she's fine.

She knows what she's doing.

*

Where's Billy?

Hello, Mom.

And Mom's breasts.

This is why I wanted Billy.

Gay men understand
the value of a makeover.

That very well may be,
but he's

at an audition right now.

Oh, must be nice.

Well, how are you gonna carry
all this stuff out?

Well, I guess
I could call Arthur,

but he has arms
like Lincoln Logs.

Of course, your father,
he's at a convention in Houston.

I swear he plans his trips
just to avoid my crises.

Can I carry this off?

Mom, what's going on?

I wasn't asked to speak at
the psych convention this year.

They said this year they're
looking for fresh voices.

I'm sorry, Mom.
Fuck them.

Don't be crude.

But thank you.

And yes, fuck them.

I just feel
I need to do something

to make myself seem younger,

and I refuse to look
like those "real housewives"

with all that
crazy plastic surgery.

Why can't women age gracefully

like Jane Fonda
or Jessica Lange?

I hate to break it
to you, Mom,

but those women have probably

had as much surgery
as the "real housewives."

It's just better work.

Well, still.

I'm not gonna cut my face up

just for the approval
of society.

Look at you, all feminist.

Now those "housewife" skanks,
they deserve to look crazy.

It's their punishment
for being such needy whores.

And there's the mom I have.

All right.
Carry as much as you can.

I got to clean this place up
before my 7:00.

She's a compulsive spender.

I don't want
this to be a trigger.

Oh, hey, are those
my high school journals?

I don't know; they were
holding up my shoe caddy.

Oh, Brian Walsh.

You mean that alcoholic
from The Eagles?

He was this kid I was
in love with in high school,

and he ignored me and that made
me more obsessed with him.

God, I guess even back then
I was chasing

approval from someone
I'd never get it from.

I have been blessed with
a figure that can wear anything.

*

Okay.

So, Billy?

Yes, Epstein.

I know, a Jew in comedy.

How will I ever defy the odds
and make it?

That's hilarious.

So we're remaking Vice Versa.

Father and son switch bodies.

For this scene,
you're playing a grown man

with the mind
of a 13-year-old boy.

Oh, wow. Imagine being
a Comedy Central executive

and being like that every day.

That's hilarious.

- So you feel ready?
- Oh, yeah, sure.

- Let's do it.
- Okay. Great.

Let's read.

Hey, Dad. Watch this layup.

Oh, damn it.
See?

I'm never gonna make the team.

Chin up, kiddo.
Just keep practicing.

Here, watch me.

I'll never be
a basketball player like you.

I'll never make the team.

Okay, thank you.
Have a good day.

Sorry, do you want me
to do it differently?

No, thank you.
It was nice meeting you.

I got to do it one more time.

Just one more time, you know?

I just--tell me what you want.

I just didn't believe you.

Didn't believe me doing what?

I didn't believe that you had
an emotional connection

with your father.

Well, my dad's dead.

That's funny.

No, he really is dead,
but, you know,

that's not why I didn't have
an emotional connection.

I mean, you can have
an emotional connection

to a dead person.

It's just that,
sometimes dads and sons,

they don't play basketball.

Listen.
Why don't you go home

and take a few days to research
what it's like to have a father,

and come back,
and I'll see you again.

Oh, that would be great.

- I'd love it.
- Okay.

My dad died,
and I got a callback.

Finally paid off.

It's all who you know,
and if you're lucky,

they're dead.

Hey, isn't that the truth?

Somebody loves pickles.

It's a Vlasic.

You're like the stork.

God, I wish.
Can I tell you the trouble

I've had trying to get pregnant?

My womb's like the desert.

*

You took me to a bowling alley

to observe fathers
and sons interacting

for your Vice Versa callback?

Yes, I know it's stupid,
but, I don't know.

Isn't that a thing people do?

Teach their kids to bowl.

No. Look around.

Like, prostitutes and people
about to become prostitutes.

There's not
a single child here.

I don't know what to do, Julie.

I can't tap into
memories of my dad

because we didn't do things
like work on cars

or build tree houses or any
of that Berenstain Bears shit.

Those Jewish bears did
the best they could living

in that stupid tree, okay?

Either way, I have to say
I'm very proud of you

for demanding a second chance
at your audition.

Well, thank you.
And I'm very proud

of myself too.

My life is going very well.

I'm at a bowling alley
about to sit down on a napkin.

I keep thinking
about Brian Walsh.

I wish I could demand
a second chance from him.

Well, you should.
He's your very own James Spader

- in Pretty in Pink.
- Or in Secretary.

Do you remember when he circled
all of Maggie Gyllenhaal's typos

with a Sharpie
and then bent her over his desk

and jerked off on her back?

It's like a candlelit
bubble bath to me.

Well, look Brian up.

I bet he's fat and bald now.

Like James Spader
on The Blacklist.

Billy, I would hit
Spader at any age,

and you should
know that by now.

Straight girls
love James Spader.

I know.

Well, I think that's disgusting.

Thank you.

Well, as long as we're here,

we should probably bowl
for Columbine.

*

Are you all right, lava lamp?

You're never on the internet
this long unless you're raging

against some
comedy world injustice.

No, I've just come to accept
that it's Charlyne Yi's year.

What are you looking at?

I found this guy I used
to have a crush on

in high school on Facebook.

- Fun.
- Kind of.

He never knew I was alive.

I find that impossible
to believe.

Oh, Arthur.

- Why don't you get together?
- Really?

Sure.
Show him how great you're doing.

Are you sure you'd be
cool with that?

Of course.
It's not like it's a date.

- It's not?
- No, no, no.

Do it here.

Have him over
for a glass of wine.

I'll make quiche from scratch.

Okay, but if we do,
you have to pretend

I'm really, really
super successful

and I'm in
an amazing relationship.

I mean, that's all true.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure, sure,
but you know what I mean.

You have to be all over me,

that way we can send
him home feeling bad.

I love this plan.

Look, he's in a canoe.

(Denise)
Good news.

Matthew went up a whole size
in a jazz shoe!

Thanks for the shopping spree,
Momma Dee.

- Did you get anything for me?
- No.

We didn't pass
by the Salvation Army.

Oh, read him.

The library is open, diva.

Oh, is it open?
The library's open.

Mm-hmm.
No. No. No. No.

(Denise)
What are you looking for, Matty?

Something with Angela Lansbury
or Ms. Kate Capshaw.

It's that kind of day.

(announcer)
Welcome back
to What Are You Going To Do?

- Stop, stop; I love this show.
- Me too.

Why?
It's a stupid, fake show.

Right?
Like people would just walk past

a breastfeeding woman
getting fired?

Please.

Shut up.
It's perfect.

In like half an hour,
I'm gonna beat you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, hey, hey.

- Don't touch me.
- Did you just threaten her?

The only people who stop and do
the right thing are black men.

It's like they give us
a new test every week

and we keep winning.

Yeah, I saw someone in trouble
and I decided to help, you know?

I saw this guy
yelling at his girl.

(Billy)
I just like it 'cause it
shows people walking past

others in need.

[glass breaks]
God damn it.

Again.

This place is
falling apart, girl.

I'm not your girl.
I'm your boss.

Nate, take your toolbox
and go fix this light

before it falls on someone's
head and we get sued.

My hands are greasy.

Billy, will you?

No, I can't.
I don't--

Big surprise.

Seriously?

Open the toolbox
and pick up the power drill.

Oh, like in Body Double.

Melanie Griffith
in that movie was beyond.

Why don't you know
how to use a power drill?

Because my father is dead,
and when he was alive,

he was Jewish.

You know what?

I'ma teach
you some fatherly shit.

Really?
[phone vibrating]

Hey.

Billy, Brian Walsh
is coming over.

Amazing.

Be careful with that.

You can electrocute yourself.

I don't know
how I'm gonna fix this.

I don't know either,
but we gonna try.

Now pick up that
screwdriver.

This looks a little
like Shirley MacLaine.

That right?
All right, let's screw this in.

All right.
I'm gonna screw it in.

Nate, how many of those
have you had?

None of 'em.

I need you to move the car.

So Billy'll do it.
Toss him the keys.

Oh, no.
I don't know how to drive.

Or catch.

But I bet I can teach
you both in an hour.

Can we make it 15 minutes?

I have my callback later.

Oh, that's something
my dad taught me.

Haggling.

*

I read online you did
Jessica Lange's neck.

Legally, I'm not at liberty
to discuss Jessica Lange's neck

or Annette Bening's feet,
but I'm very good at what I do.

I want my old eyes back.

I know it's shallow.

I shouldn't even be here.

I could give you a laser lift
right now.

Do you take Amex?

*

So I said, "No, give that
diversity scholarship

to someone
more diverse than me."

And that's how Black-ish
happened.

Cool.

I don't watch much TV.

Neither do we.

We're too busy making love.

How'd you ever resist her,
Brian?

Well, to be fair,
I didn't really have

much of a figure
in high school.

I kind of looked like that giant
red monster from Looney Toons.

You know, with the two hair
humps and the big sneakers.

But not anymore.

Man, she's really sexy,
isn't she, Brian?

Nice curvy shape.

Arthur, I hate the word curvy.

- Don't say curvy.
- Womanly.

Well, that makes me sound
like Tyne Daly.

- Pin-up girl?
- I hate that whole culture.

Kat Von D, like--

Okay, well, I just
think you're really sexy.

I mean, isn't she, Brian?

Yeah.

Totally sexy.

Hey, whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Oh, that's my bad.

You kept saying how hot she was
and grabbing her.

I figured you wanted
a three-way.

What?
No.

Now, Arthur.

Let's not be hasty.

*

Tell me this was
the upholstery it came with,

not a choice you made.

Focus.
All right.

- Hands on 12 and 4.
- 12 and 4.

Or 11 and 3, or 10 and--
you know, fuck the clock.

Wherever your hands
feel comfortable.

You know,
instead of Vice Versa,

I wish this was
an audition for Vice.

I don't know anything
about dads and sons,

but I could definitely
grow some hipster beard

and investigate
the Green Party.

Arthur, this guy ignored me
all through high school,

and having sex with someone is
the cure for being ignored--

and other slutty things
performers say.

I am not okay
with letting you have sex

with another man in our bed.

Us. Us having sex
with another man in our bed.

Have some more rosé.

Uh, I can leave
if this is weird.

No. No.
No, no, no, no.

Stay where you are,
unless you want

to take a shower.

Do you want to take a shower?

Am I the only one who's tense?

Let's massage each other.

Corn cob...

Listen, Arthur.

I know this wasn't planned,
but how often do three-ways

with this particular ratio
come along?

With two guys and a girl?

You mean a devil's three-way.

That's what it's called,
you know.

Listen, we're never
gonna have

a sexist three-way with
two girls and one guy,

because I strongly believe
in my heart

that men have enough privilege
as it is in this society.

Oh, would you just stop
being so homophobic about this?

You think I'm being homophobic
because I don't want

to take turns fucking you?

This is not
a high-traffic bakery.

I shouldn't have
to take a number.

Ooh, nice headphones.

Oh, thanks.
They're noise-canceling.

Nice.

See?
You like him too.

Arthur, I love you.

This is important to me.

If it gets weird,
can we stop?

Probably.

Brian?

We're ready.

All right.

You sure you want to go
through with this?

Are you sure you want to
go through with this?

Are you sure you wanna go
through with this?

(all)
Yes.

[engine turning over]

(Nate)
Okay, great.
Now just keep up on the brake.

You don't need
to hit the gas for this.

Look at you.

I'm proud of you, man.

You took a risk
and you're killing it.

[sighs]

- You okay?
- I'm fine.

I just haven't heard somebody
say he's proud of me in a while.

- Sorry.
- No, it's all right.

Be emotional.

You know, I think
this remake of Vice Versa

is reminding me
of something very important.

I miss my dad.

I wish I would've met him.

Oh, he would've hated you.

[both laugh]

(man)
Oh, God, look out!

[crash]
What happened?

Man, you got distracted,
and you hit something.

You gave me permission
to be emotional.

- Just get out of the van, man.
- What?

Get out of the van.

Shh--what the hell?

Oh, my God.
Oh, my--oh, my God.

(Nate)
What is it? What is it?
What is it, man?

Oh, my God.
It's bad.

The bike is all smashed.

What?
We hit a cyclist?

Not just any cyclist.

We hit David Byrne
from the Talking Heads.

I can't believe
I hit David Byrne.

- Who the hell is David Burns?
- David Byrne!

He was the lead singer
of the Talking Heads.

Is.
Is the lead singer.

He's still alive.

Okay, that was
my next question.

Yes.
I think he's okay.

I mean, some of his recent stuff
has been pretty pretentious,

but he gets a lifetime pass
for Stop Making Sense.

I mean, he's one of those,

like, ugly guys that
Julie likes to fuck--

Okay. Stop. Stop.
Stop talking.

I need you to drive off before
somebody gets my license plate.

What?
This is a crime scene.

I don't care.
I'm not gonna be

the black man
who killed David Burns.

Oh, really?
What happened to,

"Black guys always do
the right thing?"

Like on What Are
You Going To Do?

That is a TV show called
What Are You Going--

Oh, is that a TV show?

That is a TV show
called What Are You Going To Do?

This is a show on real life

called What I'm Gonna
Do Right Now.

(man)
Can you believe that?
You serious?

I need you to put
your foot on the gas.

Well, I am sure glad
Dr. Cornel West

isn't around to see this.

[engine revving]

[bicycle crushing]

(man)
Hey! You just can't
drive off, man!

This is not right.

You are not the boss of me.

Oh, really?
I'm shocked and disappointed.

Oh, are you, Dad?

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

We're Vice Versa-ing.

This is it.
Yes.

This is what I wanted to do.

Judge Reinhold, Fred Savage.
We're doing it.

Yes, Dad and son.

It's all happening.
Oh, shit.

I have my callback
in 15 minutes.

Fuck David Byrne.

I gotta act.

*

Should we get started
or...

I thought we did start.

[clears throat]

Brian, did you get
enough quiche?

Yes, everything was
delicious, thanks.

I used French butter.

[clears throat]

Ow. Ow, my leg.

- Sorry. Sorry.
- It's okay.

It's just my leg.

Come here.

[dog barking]

Shut up, Senator Jellybeans.

Shut up, Greg.

Put a sock in it.

So I have a pitch.

Hi. Billy Epstein.
Am I late for my audition?

Almost.
I have to be at my fertility

doctor in 25 minutes,
and she's in Syosset.

Okay, well, I spent the day
with an amazing father figure,

and I have this role
figured out.

Oh, thanks.

(man)
There he is.

That's the guy
who hit David Burns.

That's the guy
who hit what now?

Officer, it was my fault.

Absolutely not.
This is your guy.

Step outside with me
for a minute, son.

No no no, officer, please.
No, he was fine.

- I saw the man get up.
- Let's go.

No, please.
I just--please.

- Can I come back tomorrow?
- No way.

You're either in a family film
or you're a criminal.

You got the part.
Let's go.

I learned that on
A Dolphin's Tale,

and I'm not making
that fucking mistake again.

Please, this is ridiculous.

I teach improv.

Noodles, that was perfect.
Brilliant idea.

I'm glad you approve.

Brian?
Any notes?

You guys both did great.

You seemed to take care
of your bodies.

Do we seem like nice people?

Totally.

Hey, why did you ignore me
in high school?

'Cause I was high
all the time.

You feel better, noodles?

You know, I actually do.

(Brian)
[crunching loudly]

I'm sorry, are you eating
potato chips?

Yeah.

[phone vibrating
and ringing]

It's my mom, calling late.

Somebody's probably dead.

God, I hope it's my aunt Bonnie.

Hey, Mom?

(Marilyn)
Oh, Julie. Oh...

What's wrong?

- Mom.
- Whoa!

- Mom, Mom, Mom.
- Oh, Julie.

Oh, Julie,
thank God you're here.

What happened
to your eyes?

Oh, I got some kind
of laser lift thing.

Oh, Marilyn.
You're already so beautiful.

Shut up, Arthur.
Now that I'm blind,

I can smell your liquor breath
even more.

- Point me to the couch.
- Okay, it's behind you.

Come on.
Here we go.

Oh, thank you.

Why didn't you
tell me about this?

I was embarrassed.

Now my eyes are all swollen.

I'm gonna heal terribly.

I'm gonna end up looking
like Marty fucking Feldman.

If I look crazy,
I deserve to.

Mom, there's a morality
to this thing.

If you look your age,
you're lazy.

If you've had noticeable plastic
surgery, you're shallow.

Women over 20 can't win
no matter what.

- Mom, are you sleeping?
- No.

No, my mind began to wander
when you started to generalize,

and then I dozed off.

Oh, I'm glad you came.

[telephone ringing]

[furniture crashing]

Is this the night
of late night phone calls?

This better be
Aunt Bonnie fucking dead.

I hope tonight's the night.

It's Billy.

Hello?

What?

(Arthur)
So David Byrne is okay?

(Billy)
Yes, David Byrne is fine.

Alive and well and ready to make
music that reminds us

he used to be good.

(Julie)
If you don't mind me saying so,

this has been one crazy night.

Well, I'm sorry.

Did you or did you not
have a three-way tonight?

Kind of.
I mean, I didn't get

spit-roasted or anything.

I know.
Perchance to dream.

Back on the bucket list
it goes.

- Did it help?
- Eh.

I still want
approval from strangers.

Sorry you didn't get
your part,

but on the bright side, maybe
you have a new father figure.

Yeah.

I'd rather have
approval from strangers.

*

How are we gonna
ask him to leave?

Just like that.

I couldn't believe
he fell asleep.

Me neither.
What if he wants to do it again?

I think it was
a one-and-done for me.

So we'll just deal with it
in the morning?

I'm not making him
breakfast.

Well, nothing fancier than
hot cereal and a French press.

Oh, my God.

He robbed us.

Okay.

Did you guys have
a devil's three-way in here?

- What? No.
- I'm sorry?

Excuse me?
Why would you even ask--

Let's just start
from the beginning.

Okay.

I decided to track down
a guy from high school

that I always chased
because he was so aloof.

(Billy)
Meanwhile, across town,
a casting director

was asking me very politely
to leave the premises,

and I was positive
David Byrne had died.

But I got the feedback
I was after.

And back in the apartment,

under the dreamy gaze
of the former crush

who robbed me blind,

I looked over at my boyfriend,
and I realized

to appreciate the approval of
the one who already chose you,

sometimes you have
to bring in an audience--

and other slutty things
performers say.

[laughter and applause]

Thank you.

Thank you.

- Well, that was fun.
- Yeah.

But is it just me
or did that room change?

Yeah, that storytelling night
used to be a lot cooler.

I know.
Now it's so lame.

We shouldn't do it anymore.

I was thinking that.
We're too good for that.

I love how we can admit
we're wrong now.

- Totally.
- I like new us.

- I love new us.
- You can't do this!

We're gonna have to
let you go.

Let me go?
For what reason?

(announcer)
Tonight
on What Are You Going To Do?

There's no breastfeeding
at work. You're fired.

(announcer)
When you think
no one's looking...

You can't fire me
for breastfeeding at work.

(announcer)
We are.

I'm not going anywhere.
This is my legal right.

You know what I want?
A grilled cheese.

Oh, I would love
a cheeseburger.

(man)
* Ow

* Thought it'd be easy

* Thought they didn't know

* You thought it was
the only way to go *

* Another way out

* Found on the way home

* Thought you were living fast

* But you were living slow

*