All language subtitles for Difficult.People.S01E01_English

Excuse me.
I have--

Theater tickets.
I'm seeing a matinee.

Oh, Jesus!

That's gonna be a great photo.
Take a picture of a cab.

Why don't you watch
where you're going?

Miss Redhead,
could you take our picture?

Hey, you know where
I catch the 52 at?

No, I'm not touching
that camera.

I don't want swine flu.

I don't know.
Who takes the bus?

Okay, but please,
can you tell us,

how can we get to 9/11?

Hi, do you have a minute
for gay rights?

Practice.

Gay rights?

I've done plenty,
and to diminishing returns.

Which way
is the farmers' market?

What more do you
fucking want from me?

You idiot.

My God, you're a grown man
on a bike!

[driving punk rock music]

- Hi.
- Hello.

Are you ready
for Annie?

How dare you ask me something
so redundant?

Just a second.
I have to finish this tweet.

"Till Blue Ivy
is old enough to..."

Send.

[laughs]

That's very funny.

Thank you.

I love Annie.

Isn't it funny how FDR
is a total hero in this play

even though in real life,
he let millions of Jews die?

Hilarious.

I love that he was born

during a time
when handicapped people

still had to wear blankets
on their laps.

Have you heard from Josh?

Nope, and it's been
over a week,

and we are done.

Oh, I'm so sorry,
Billy.

[sighs]

I'm actually very upset.

- Josh was so hot.
- Yeah.

And not a moron.

Well, if he broke up with you,
clearly he is a moron.

By the way,
your Real Housewives

recap today
was hilarious.

- Oh, thank you.
- We were dying.

God, I'm so funny
when I write

mean things about TV shows.

How come no one's hired me
to write for one?

Because our lives are garbage
and it's the world's fault.

Ugh.
I hate this time of year.

My light spring jacket is soaked
with both pollen and snow.

I wish I never had
to go outside.

Well, that's why I've always
been an indoors kid.

I used to spend every recess
in the school library

even when it was
beautiful outside.

That's adorable.

I have such fond memories

about the water fountain
in that library.

It had the most
delicious water.

That is so weird,
because my school library

had an incredible
water fountain also.

You know what would be smart?

Hmm?

What if we went into--

[softly]
What if we went into business

selling bottled
library water fountain water?

Okay, this is gonna
sound insane,

but I met somebody who sells
water in milk cartons

as an alternative
to bottled water.

It's, like, good
for the environment.

Doesn't the water inside
taste like milk?

I don't think so.

Seems like it would.

[children laughing]

God, I hate the sound
of children laughing.

[loudly]
Oh, shit!

Annie is an understudy today,

and her name is Taylor.

This generation!

I swear to God,
if she blows this role,

I will strap down my tits
and get up on that stage.

Excuse me.

Could you please
watch your language?

Oh, my God.
I am so s--

Miss, miss,
I am so sorry.

It's okay.

- We can't do that at all.
- We can't do that.

I'm sorry.
I think you can.

- We are seeing Annie.
- I paid $120.

What is this,
the Paper Bag Players?

- I can say "shit" if I want to.
- This is Broadway.

You--
Hey.

- Hey, hey.
- Hey, hey.

I would pay $120 for both of you
to leave right now.

This is a public place,
and you know what?

We're not seeing
the real Annie.

You're not seeing
the real Annie today.

Do not talk to my children.

Do you know
what an understudy is?

You are terrifying
my children.

- [blows raspberry]
- I'm not t--Terrifying?

- You are terrifying.
- I told them a fact of life.

You're a terrifying person.

Nobody wants to see
an understudy.

I'm terrifying?
You don't know me.

- I do know you.
- Excuse me?

An understudy is--
it's, like,

a fancy word
for disappointment.

[upbeat rock music]

*

[door clicks open]

[dog woofs]

[gasps]
Hi, babies.

Hi, angels.

Hi, noodles.

Hello, Arthur.

- What are you slicing?
- A quince.

It's like an apple
combined with a pear.

Somebody at the office
wrote a book about them.

Really, somebody
in public television

wrote a book
about something boring?

Ah, you.

Here, I made you a plate.

Thank you, but you know
how I feel about fruit

that's not in proximity
to crust or cream.

Oh.

Hey, you know Gabby's
Oscar party this Sunday?

I've been thinking about it,
and I think it would be better

if I stayed home
and live tweeted the Oscars

in my pajamas instead.

Gabby's my boss.
She's a big deal at PBS.

Come on, cara seed,

I ask so little of you.

I know.
That's why we work.

[soft piano music playing]

- Uh-oh.
- What?

I tweeted something
about Blue Ivy earlier,

and now the Internet's
being really mean to me.

"Unfollow.
Kill yourself."

From SpinClassAddict91.

Oh, my God, that's probably
the year she was born.

What was the joke?

"I can't wait for Blue Ivy
to be old enough

for R. Kelly
to piss on her."

Aha.

I hate this.

I hate fighting with people.

I just like
saying something crazy

and then leaving the room.

Unless people like what I say,
and then I stay in the room.

I know.
I've met you before.

I'm gonna delete
this piss baby tweet.

*

I want the fries,

but I think I should just get
the salad instead.

Eh, I'll be good.

Hello.

How can you think
about food?

Huffington Post just tweeted

about what George
and Amal Clooney

would look like
as Simpson characters.

Come on.

No.

Hey, Billy, you okay?

(Billy)
I'm fine.

I mean, you know,
I'm in my mid-30s.

I am waiting tables poorly.

I spent the better part
of last night

Facebook stalking my ex.

And according to NCI
whatever the fuck it is,

even Linda Hunt
is more castable than me.

So I'm doing great.
Thanks so much.

Oh, thank you,
sweet Matthew,

for another morning
full of wonderful memories.

- Hey, where you guys been?
- Hey.

Where have you been?

I'm covering
the whole place by myself.

We had to get outfits

for our mother-son
photo shoot.

Oh, sad old Billy.

He only ever gets
to go shopping

for antidepressants
and Metamucil wafers.

You know what, Matthew?

Sometimes when I hear you speak,

I think I should join
the Westboro Baptist Church.

Ever since I was told
that I couldn't have children...

By yourself.

Because I hate them,

I've only been sad
about not having

mother-son photos
in matching outfits.

Oh, that's when
I told diva here

that we may not be blood,
but we are family.

Oh, sing, bird.
Sing.

You go, girl.

Uh-uh-uh-uh.
It is Denise.

No, baby, go easy
on Billy today.

Josh just broke up with him.

That's the guy
that's cute and sweet

in a Paul Rudd-ish way,
and that's rare.

We all got problems.
Get your ass back to work.

And you, I got
a gift for you.

- Oh, yeah?
- Mm-hmm.

[laughs]

I'm sorry.
Does anybody work here?

Oh, yeah,
I'll be back to help you

and the rest of the
Traveling Wilburys in a second.

*

Hi, Mom.

Oh, hi.

Don't you look pretty
when you smile?

Aw.

- Hey.
- Mwah.

Honey, do you know
this Lena Dunham?

Yeah, actually, uh--

Apparently she's doing great,
and she's younger than you.

She has tattoos.

Anyway, this article says

that it's a great time now
for women in comedy.

That's very helpful.
Thanks, Mom.

So aren't you gonna ask me

if I finished
my hypnosis course?

Wow, that would have been
a breakneck pace

for a change of subjects
if both subjects weren't you.

I finished my hypnosis course.

When can I practice on you?

You're not hypnotizing me.

It's not like I tell you
you're a chicken

and then you act
like a chicken.

That very well may be,

but I still don't want you
to do it.

You're lucky to have a mom
who's a shrink.

Yes, I'm a walking
gratitude list.

Yeah.

I asked for sparkling.
How's Billy?

He's good.

You know, he is just
getting over this guy

is the only thing.

Josh?
I don't know of you--

- I can hypnotize him.
- Hmm.

It's not like I tell him
he's a chicken,

then all of a sudden, he becomes
a chicken or something.

Did you get that article
I sent you about Palestine?

Yes.

Because I'm about
to resend it.

There we are.

What else?

*

What's more of a turnoff,
veganism or Judaica?

I don't know.

Judaica.

Yes! Yes.

If I was going out
with a guy

and there was a big clay mezuzah
hanging outside his place,

I'd be like, "Is the circumcise
experience worth it?"

Is that anti-Semitic of us,

or is that not possible
because we're Jewish?

Oh, it's possible.

Oh, that's right,
'cause you hate other gay guys.

No, I do not hate other gay pe--
Yes, I do.

I get very homophobic
when I go to my gym.

These are delicious.

Hi.

(Julie)
Hello.

Nice to see you again.

Remind me.

Uh, the UCB party
last week.

- Right.
- I'm Julie.

- Hi.
- Yes.

[clears throat]

So you two are in comedy.

Yes.
Unfortunately, yes.

(man)
Nice, nice.

Do you like Daniel Tosh?

You know the water business,
right?

We admittedly don't know
anything about that,

but we have
an amazing idea.

It occurred
to Billy recently--

Well, occurred to Julie.

(Julie)
Well, it occurred to both of us

at the same time--
when this goes,

we'll figure out
the credit later.

We're not people who argue
about credits.

(Julie)
It occurred to us

that water from library
water fountains is by far

the coldest, most delicious
water in the world.

So why not bottle it?

Well, we don't bottle here.

We're boxed water.

Have you seen our cartons?

They're really cool.
They're biodegradable.

Doesn't the water inside
of those taste like milk?

- No.
- Not even a little bit?

Not even a little bit.

Seems like it would.

They're new containers.

They're not made
from recycled milk boxes.

Still seems like
the water inside

would taste
a little milky.

Well, did you want me
to sample your--

What's it called again?

Library water fountain water.

We don't have any with us.

Okay.

Listen, this is a great idea.

Just tap into your memories
of being a little kid

at the library,
surrounded by books.

Do you know what
we're talking about,

that library
water fountain water?

It's so crisp and cold
and delicious.

The smell of library books
was, like, kind of sweet...

From when you were a kid?
You know what I mean?

And like postage stamps--
and the librarian.

People don't even remember
that they loved that,

but if they just had it
in a bottle--

I mean, this,
no one wants to carry this.

If they just had it a nice,
you know, bottle,

a plastic bottle,
a glass bottle.

(Julie)
Like a plastic bottle.

He doesn't seem
like a book person.

No, you seem more like
a kickball-at-recess type.

Maybe that's what it is.

He wasn't in the library.

That's the problem.
He doesn't get it.

Oh, that's what it is!

Because he was the first guy
picked for kickball.

Exactly.
We didn't ever get picked.

(Julie)
No.

We're not athletic people.

We're not, you know--
we're not Chelsea Clinton.

- Yeah.
- You know?

We're barely Chelsea Handler.

You must love her.

Oh!
Oh, she's so bad.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, she's so naughty.

No, she says what I think.

"I got drunk last--
I'm so drunk, I"--

"My bachelorette party."

"I've been so drunk
for the last five years,

I haven't written
a joke."

[Julie laughs]

Yeah, I don't know
how I can help you two.

Put it in a bottle.

- We don't bottle here.
- Right, but you can.

That's the whole thing.
You know water, right?

Are those your kids?

Yes.

That's Memphis,
and that's Maverick.

What?

The girl's name
is Memphis,

and the boy's name
is Maverick.

What?

The girl's name
is Memphis,

and the boy's name
is Maverick.

(both)
We have to go.

Thank you.

*

What are you recapping?

Oh, Vanderpump Rules.

Oh!

God, if these idiots

were the characters
in Angels in America,

nobody would have cared
when any of them dropped dead.

Yeah, well, that's
why Tony Kushner

went in a different
direction.

(Nate)
No, no, no, no, no.

You got to get Julie
up out of here, man.

No, Nate, I need Julie
here today.

Josh just broke up with me,

and I need her here
in case I have a feeling.

Yeah, I'm basically like
his service rabbit.

Oh, you know
what we should do?

We should get me a vest
that says:

"Emotional support animal.

"Do not touch or talk to.

Please feed."

Oh, my God,
I have to stop

following Deadline
on Twitter.

Why? What happened?

Remember that girl
Stephanie Goldstein

from our improv class?

Oh, the one that never heard
of Monty Python?

Yeah.
She just signed with CAA.

Shut up.

It was just announced.

When's it gonna be our turn?

Everybody we came up with
in comedy

has either quit
to start a family

or gone on to great success
in film and television.

I know, and I'm sitting here
checking Twitter

for faves and retweets
and just keep pressing--

Who faved me?
Who faved me?

Oh, Andy Richter faved me.

Oh, this is the best day ever.

Like I'm fucking pressing

for some pain medication
in a hospital.

And I'm looking
for reassurance

that I should have probably
gotten from my mother

from Internet commenters
who say, "Great recap, Julie,"

and, "Boy, that sure was good,"

even though deep down,
I know that...

[sighs]
I'll never be enough.

Excuse me.
I hate to interrupt.

I can tell, clearly,
you're going through a lot here,

but could I get this to go?

I'm late for chemo.

(Matthew)
Our photo shoot was unfleek.

(Denise)
You were flawless.

No, you were flawless.

Ah, we both were gorgeous.

[gasps]
Billy, get rid of her.

I just bought a lottery ticket,

and I can't have some
copper-top curse hanging around.

Denise, you have a business
degree from Holy Cross.

Please stop pretending that
you're an unreasonable person.

Redheads are not bad luck.

(Denise)
Mm-hmm.

Well, I know one person
who's clearly jinxed.

Billy.

Matthew, that's enough.

Sorry that NAMBLA doesn't have
a "ones to watch" section

in their monthly newsletter

that you could use
as a press clipping.

[scoffs]

Oh, I forgot to mention.

When Denise and I were walking
over here, we saw Josh.

He was holding hands
with another guy

and smiling
really big.

Do you want to take a walk
around the block?

We can talk
about Susan Sarandon.

Beats taking deep breaths.

Okay, Ping-Pong:
why?

Does she still have
the Ping-Pong bar?

As far as I know.

It's not a pizza place yet.

[sighs]
She can do anything.

Geena Davis.
You think they're friends?

(Billy)
I think they email.

[upbeat music]

*

So why don't you tell me
why you're here today, Billy?

I'd like to eat
less pasta.

I thought there was a boy.

Yeah, there's a boy too--

his name is Josh--
I'm trying to get over,

but honestly, if you could
just hypnotize me

to stop eating pasta
all the goddamn time,

I'd be thrilled.

I'm not eating sugar
right now.

Takes a lot of resolve.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

Anyway, we could talk
all day,

but why don't you lie down

and we'll get you hypnotized?

Okay.

Okay, get yourself settled.
Good.

Now, what I want you
to do now, Billy,

is close your eyes
and take some deep breaths.

How's this thing work?

Wait a minute.
We got to turn it on.

What?
Okay, now I'm watching a video.

Do you need me
to do something or...

Oh, there it goes.
Okay.

[water lapping]

Now, what I want you to do
is picture a staircase.

You're at the bottom
of the staircase now.

And when you reach the top,
you'll be hypnotized.

I have a very breathy voice,
and I'm very good at this,

so just let go.

This is your time.

This is all about you.

Think about the shoes
you're wearing.

How do they feel?

I usually wear Aerosoles.

I also like Merrells.

Zappos.com is terrific.

Are you still hypnotizing me?

Yes.
Take another deep breath.

Ah, you're on
the fourth step now.

Your hands and your legs
are heavy.

Congratulations.

You are hypnotized.

Okay.

Billy, seriously,

you have got to knock it off
with the pasta.

All right.

Okay, and what's
this guy's name?

Josh.

From now on, you're not gonna
think about him anymore.

Got it.

Okay, good.

Now I'd like to take the time

to bonus hypnotize you

to call a car service
if you ever find yourself

in a deserted neighborhood.

I do not like to think
of you and Julie

wandering around Brooklyn
or wherever at night.

Okay.

I mean, can you imagine being
in a strange neighborhood

and having to find a restaurant
so you can ask them

if you could use
their bathroom?

And then you'd have to order--
I don't know--

plantains or something
before they'd let you,

and what if you didn't have
your cell phone?

Why wouldn't I have
my cell phone?

Because teenagers steal them.

This is a trend.

I read about it
in The Wall Street Journal.

You did?

Yeah, they've got
local stories too

and great articles on TV.

Apparently it's a big time
for women in comedy.

Yeah, no, I love
women in comedy.

Billy, does Julie
have a shot?

I think so.

I think she's funny,
but none of my friends do.

*

- Hi!
- Gabby.

Don't those shoes
look comfortable?

Thank you.
Come on in.

Guys, this is Julie
and Arthur.

Do you guys like seaweed
or coconut water?

We're not serving either.

We were just talking about food
right before you got here.

(woman)
Everybody please look down.

I lost my earring.

It's made entirely of hemp.

I'm at a terrible party.

Hi, I'm Billy.
Julie invited me to your home.

- Oh.
- Hi.

- Oh.
- Hi, Billy.

- Thank God.
- Hi. So Mira Sorvino...

So I was just telling Gabby
how you and Billy

might be on your phones
all night tweeting the Oscars,

so she shouldn't get offended.

I don't get Twitter.

Why would I want
to let everyone know

what I had for lunch today?

But wait, can you
delete a tweet

or a twit or whatever
if you want to?

Yeah, um,
just the other day,

I tweeted something
about Blue Ivy that I took down.

Blue Ivy?
She is so cute.

Oh, Julie, this is Kathy.

Hi, don't I know you?

I don't think so, but I think
we have the same iPhone case.

Do you like Taylor Swift?

Oh, God, no, no.
This is ironic.

I actually bought it
with Diet Coke coupons

after my last phone
fell into a touch tank

at the Coney Island aquarium.

Long story.

[laughs]

So what did you say
about Blue Ivy?

I swear I feel like we've met.

I said something like,

"I can't wait for Blue Ivy
to be old enough"--

Gosh, she's already so big,
right?

Yeah.

Somebody mute
the commercials.

"I can't wait for Blue Ivy
to be old enough..."

[TV mutes]

"For R. Kelly to piss on her."

Because, you know, R. Kelly

likes pissing on children--

who are older than infants,
allegedly,

but, you know,
not by much.

I mean, he's basically
a sex offender

and, depending on, you know,
whether the charges are true,

allegedly a pedophile.

Allegedly.

Mmm.

Yeah, I remember
who you are now.

You sat behind me at Annie
with your gay friend.

There was a small earthquake
in L.A., but don't worry.

Emmy Rossum is fine.

Oh, thank God.

Oh, yeah, I remember
the both of you.

Oh, hi!

Hi!

You're both disgusting people.

And you, you think
it's funny to make jokes

about urinating
on children?

Obviously I don't,
because I took down the tweet.

You only took it down
because you got in trouble.

Of course I did.

If people loved it,
I would have left it up.

Noodles, come on.
The show's back on.

Let's watch TV and pretend what
just happened didn't happen.

You know, we may be missing

a crucial red carpet moment
with Giuliana Rancic.

What if she interacts
with Maria Menounos?

- [gasps] Could you imagine?
- I'd kill myself.

Well, the two of their
matchstick bodies

would probably
create a giant fire.

You could just throw yourself
right into it.

You know that's how
Gene Siskel died?

Julie, Billy, please.

This is a work party.

I need you two
to be more polite

to non-each-other people, okay?

Just for tonight.

I'm so sorry, Arthur.
We will keep a low profile.

[doorbell rings]

Hey!

We brought hummus and MDMA.

I'm so sorry.

I invited some people over
without your permission.

Hi. Come in.
Come in. Come in.

Hey, guys.

[toilet flushes]

Oh, no.

Kevin, do you know her?

Yes, we met the other day.

She came in to pitch me
library water.

Would you keep
your voice down?

No one's gonna steal
that idea.

Wait, why are you two
holding hands?

We're married, idiot.

Remember, I showed you
a photo of our kids?

Mentos and Marlboro.

Memphis and Maverick.

[doorbell rings]
How are they?

Billy, we invited
some more people over!

Hi, I'm Josh.

(Gabby)
Hi.

Hey, Josh.

Hey.
How are you?

I'm--I'm great.

Good, good.

Can I take your coat?

Yeah, sure.

Sorry, I never know
what to wear in this weather.

Yeah, I know, it's like
it's cold and it's hot

and it's cold
and it's hot,

and I put on
my light spring jacket,

and it ends up getting soaked
with pollen and snow, and--

Is that a yarmulke?

Yeah.

You know I started
going to shul more?

No, no.

Good-bye.

*

Where are we, even?

It's been forever.

I really have to pee.

Train's only a block away--
or it should be.

So you're telling me you're
completely over Josh just now?

Yup.

I have no feelings for him
whatsoever.

And you don't think
that has anything to do

with my mom
hypnotizing you?

No.
You saw him.

He's the type of Jewish guy

that wears a yarmulke
all the time.

What about pasta?

Oh, I'd stick my dick
in a bowl of pasta right now.

Okay, this is where the train's
supposed to be.

Ghost train.

Look, we are never going
to find the subway,

so can we please
just get a car?

I'll get an Uber.

I can't believe
that Latin restaurant

wouldn't let me use
their bathroom.

Oh, no.

Look.

This isn't my phone.

That garbage person Kathy
must have taken mine.

Arthur, could you call a car?

I really have to go
to the bathroom.

Well, I'm sure she'll give
yours back when she realizes.

She's not a total monster.

Says the driver's
18 minutes away.

Oh, I can't hold it
for that long.

Julie, you are not going
to piss yourself on this street.

Now it says
he's 23 minutes away.

No, no, no, no,
no, no.

I'll read you some Oscar tweets
to distract you.

Ready? Listen.
Here's one from Gabe.

He said, "This is a big comeback
for Natalie Portman,

who was unemployed for almost
nine years before turning nine."

That's funny.

- Driver unavailable.
- Oh!

I'll read you some more.

Here's one from--

Wait, here's one from you.

What?

From, like,
a half hour ago.

How is that possible?

Holy shit.

"I'm a jerk who hates kids
with cool names

"and thinks it's funny
when children get pissed on

when in fact I deserve
to get pissed on."

[urine trickling]

Touché, Kathy.

Touché.

[thunder rumbling]

(man)
* Ow

* Thought it'd be easy

* Thought they didn't know

* You thought it was
the only way to go *

* Another way out

* Found on the way home

* Thought you were living fast

* But you were living slow

*