All language subtitles for Call.Your.Mother.S01E05.WEBRip.x264-ION10

My last box.

I guess I'm a real
Los Angelener now.

Los Angelite?

Wait, what are we called?

Not that.

What do you call a woman
whose wardrobe is 90% fleece?

I'm from Iowa.

My clothes
don't have to look good.

They just have to help me
survive the winter.

Ooh, hey,
I found pistachios.

Do nuts expire?

Eh, I'll roll the dice.[ Door opens ]

Hey.
Hey, that's a nice vest.Hey.

Is that new or did you just
reverse yesterday's?

Oh, no, no, no.
Don't encourage the vest.

We're trying to get her
to branch out,

look a little less "Fargo,"
a little more

not embarrassed
to be seen with her.

No, I like a woman
in a vest.

It says, "I'm dependable
in a storm,"

you know, but also, "I feel
pretty good about my arms."

I'll wear it to our
"Grey's Anatomy"
marathon tonight.

But I'm gonna have to turn
the thermostat down

because I'm already sweating
under my bra.

Oh, I know
what you mean.

I sweat in my lower back
when I tuck in my flannel.

Oh.Is this elder-flirting?

I don't know,
but it's very upsetting.

Anyway, I came by
to let you know

I actually have to cancel
tonight.
Oh, okay.

I completely forgot --
I've got a few mates in town.

We already had plans.
I'm so sorry.

Oh, no, it's fine.
"Grey's" can wait.

And we can raincheck
for tomorrow, yeah?

You free?
Oh, you know me.

[ Door opens ] I'm always free.

That's what I love
about you.

[ Chuckles ][ Door closes ]

"You know me,
I'm always free"?

That's like something you would
write on a bathroom stall.

Yeah, what the bucket?

You guys have something planned,
and he just cancels day-of?

I don't like that.

It's no big deal.

His divorce isn't final,
so we're just friends now.

We hang out.

Unless something comes up.

For him.

She doesn't even
hear it.

This "you and Danny"
thing

is becoming a "you waiting
around for him" thing.

You're like the booty call
without the booty.

Excuse me.

I don't wait around
for anyone.

I think I have a little more
pride than that.

Ooh! [ Gasps ]

Hey!

My hot boobs heated up
my pistachios.

It's like being in first class
on an airplane.

Mmm! Want some?

Absolutely not.

♪♪

-- Captions by VITAC --

♪♪

♪♪

Ooh, I haven't bought new
clothes in so long,

I don't even know
what size I am.

Jackie, check the tag.

Absolutely not.

You know, guys, ever since
I decided to live by

that whole Steve Jobs "one
outfit for success" mentality,

I don't dread shopping
anymore.

Just give me 90 pairs
of beige pants

and call me a billionaire.

I think it's great
you're doing this, Jean.

I'm obsessed
with makeovers.

Being a lifelong "after," I'm
always fascinated by "befores."

I'll have you know,
I'm a Waterloo "after."

Mother Raines,
I'm so excited.

How do you feel about
peek-a-boo shoulder tops?

Unh! Don't answer that.
You love them.

Okay, let's shop.

Mm.

Hey, Lane.

Oh, hey, Victor.

Is the back of my shirt
wrinkled?

I swear I iron it
before work,

but by the time
I get here,

the wrinkles
are back somehow.

Uh, well, the secret
is a steamer.

I have a great one.

It's actually my ex's,

but, hey, if you're gonna
break up with me in an e-mail

w-with absolutely
no closure,

then I get to keep
the steamer.

[ Laughs, snorts ]

Uh...but you can borrow it
anytime.

I could bring it to work, or I
could come to your apartment

and steam
all your stuff.

Or you could come to mine and
steam it all yourself there?

I'll talk to you later.

Not if I talk
to you first!

[ Chuckles ] Ugh.

Ohh.

Hey, you okay,
Cookie?

Lane had his heart broken
in college and never recovered.

Ever since then, whenever
he has a crush on someone,

he completely
falls apart.

I didn't think
it was so bad.

Mom, don't lie to him.
That was terrible.

I mean, this is why
you're both alone.

As the only person with
a boyfriend, you know --

Playing pretty fast and loose
with the word "boy"

when your boyfriendwent to
summer camp with Bernie Sanders.

Bernie was a counselor.

Hank came to the mall
with us once,

and he literally couldn't stop
telling us,

"You know, this place
used to all be orange groves."

Okay, fine,
my boyfriend is old.

Just listen to me.

Both of you are giving away
your power.

That's how you end up
getting hurt.

I made the same mistake
with Andy.

I mean, for three years,
I let my life become about him,

and then he left
and I had nothing.

So when I met Hank,
I decided

to invest nothing
and keep myself safe.

And she got Hank a Life Alert
to keep himsafe.

I told him it was an iPod.
[ Chuckles ]

And now I'm gonna help you,
because out of the three of us,

I'm the guru.

Look, we're in
a Three Bears situation.

You're doing too much,
you're not doing enough,

and I'm doing it
just right.

Mom, you need
to get out there

and flirt with someone
who's not Danny.

Flirt?
I'm not sure I remember how.

Watch.

Hey.
How's it going?

Okay, we're done.
Thank you for your service.

[ Chuckles ]

See?
All there is to it.

Man, I do not miss
being single.

Dating is
such a nightmare.

Ugh, I know,
it's exhausting.

A new person every week,
date after date.

Calling that number
over and over again

and wondering why
it's a grocery store.

And you think you found
someone special,

then she starts dating
your roommate.

Oh!
You dated shes?

Yeah, there were
hes, shes,

couples, throuples,
what-have-yous.

What-have-yous?

I told you
my Berlin story.

You know, just like when
you told me about that time

you got a hickey
in a corn maze.

Oh, yep. Yeah.

That was a three-hickey year
for me.

See, we both had our fun,
and now we have each other.

[ Chuckles ]

S-Still having --

Still having fun,
though, right?

♪♪

Oh!
Oh. I'm sorry.

Go ahead.N-No, you go ahead.

It's fine.

Oh. [ Sighs ]

Hey.
How's it going?

What?

Hey.

Hi.
[ Chuckles ]

So, what are you gonna do
with all those lemons?

[ Chuckles ]

Uh, probably just use them
for lemonade.

Ooh, so you're gonna
squeeze 'em.

Lucky lemons.
[ Chuckles ]

Sweetheart,
do you have the lemons?

What? Oh!

This is your sweetheart?
I'm so sorry.

I-I didn't know, or I wouldn't
have been flirting with him.

That was flirting?

I don't think it was.

[ Sighs ] Sorry.

I was just trying
to open myself up.

My landlord and I
almost kissed,

and now he won't
watch TV with me.

Why do you have to talk
to everybody?

I'm sorry.

[ Sighs ]

Hey, you look like
you could use a drink.[ Sighs ]

I've got pressed
celery juice

and...some sort
of bone broth.

They say it's good for your
immune system, but if you sweat,

it smells like
you're making soup.
Mm.

I-I'm Steve.

I thought that guy
was flirting with me.

I haven't dated in so long,
I can't tell the difference

between flirting
and grocery shopping.

Although, I thought
the "squeeze 'em" line was good.

Oh, it wasn't.

No, but,
for the record,

if a man offers you
bone broth,

he's definitely
flirting with you.

I mean, he might be trying
to sell you bone broth.

But in this case...

I am flirting.

You are?
Mm-hmm.

Oh, thank you so much.

♪♪

Oh, to be
that mannequin.

Come on, Lane.
I need you to focus, okay?

[ Sighs ]
Play it cool.

Don't give anything away,
okay?

The more Victor knows
about you,

the more
he can hurt you.

Now go.

May the flirt be
with you.

Hey.
Could you help me out?

Maybe.

Just need that tank top
over there.

Cool, cool.

No, seriously,
hand that to me.

The toy store across the way
calls the manager

if we leave these mannequins
naked too long.

Sure.

Here you go.
Thank you.

[ Inhales deeply ]

Well, see ya around.

I'm about to go
on lunch.

Oh, me too.
Want to grab a kebab?

Um...

Pause, please. BRB.

Um, he just asked me
to lunch.

I should shut him down,
right?

No, say yes,
but wait 10 minutes.

Okay.

Okay, this is weird.
Just go back to him.

Okay, but slowly,
slowly, slowly, slowly.

Uh, regular, regular.
Just go, go, go.

♪♪

So, he was like,
"Do you, like, like the kebab?"

And I was like,
"I guess. I don't know."

Like, "I'm so aloof."

And then there was
like three minutes of silence,

and then he finally goes,

"So, do you want to go out
tomorrow after work?"

Just like you said!
Ahh!

Of course.
That's why I'm the guru.[ Door opens ]

So, I'm really loving
some of this new stuff.

My arms are a little constricted
in this jacket.

I'm really missing
that vest life.

Please don't say "vest life"
on your date.

Hey. Oh, wow.
You look nice.

Pretty dressed up for a Season 2
"Grey's" marathon.

Where do you keep your nuts
in that outfit?

Oh, shoot.
I forgot to call you.

I'm sorry.
I have to cancel for tonight.

Oh.
She has a date.

So do I, just in case
I was your backup plan.

[ Chuckles ]
Congratulations.

Um, you have a date, too, Jean?
That's...

That's a bit of a shocker.
You don't really date.

Hmm.
Not sure
it's a "shocker."

I've dated.
Mm.

2006.

2011, 2012.Mm-hmm.

Okay, fine, 2011, 2012
was the same guy,

overnight
on New Year's Eve.

And today.

I have a date with a guy
I met at the Farmers Market.

What, and you're
going out with him?

What do -- What do you know
about this guy?

Well, his name is Steve,
and he wanted to go out with me.

What else do I need?Uh, maybe an address,

a criminal history,
DNA sample.

I mean, you live in a big,
dangerous city now, Jean.

You can't just go out on a date
with a stranger.

[ Scoffs ]
Isn't that what a date is?

Besides,
you were a stranger,

and I moved into
your guesthouse.

Yes, but I came with reviews,
which were all 5-star.

Except for one
Mormon family

who found the art
too provocative.

Why is this
your business?It's not, it's not.

I was just looking forward
to a bit of "Grey's" action,

and, uh, it's a little
last-minute to cancel.

That's all.
You canceled on me
yesterday.

Ah, yes, I did, and now
you're getting me back.

Oh, I'm not getting you back.
I'm just living my life.

Okay, then, well,
enjoy your date.

Oh. Alright.

Hey! What's up, man?Oh, nothing.

Your mother's just
picking up strange men

at the Farmers Market,
but none of my business!

[ Door closes ]

What?
W-What's happening?

I have a date,
because I'm not gonna be

Danny's booty call
without the booty.

Ugh! No! Why?

Because, Freddie,
she's not just your mother.

She's a woman
with needs.Mm-hmm.

Ugh! No! Why?

Okay.
I need some advice.

Which one of these says,
"I am sexually adventurous"?

Ugh! No! Why?

Honey, what are you doing
with all those things?

Well, Celia's had this
interesting, amazing life,

and I'm just 90 pairs
of beige pants.

[ Sighs ]
She's had all these, like,

interesting,
incredible partners.

Uh, she didn't
come right out and say it,

but I think she was
Justin Bieber's muse.

The edgiest thing I've got
is a callus on my thumb

from playing too much
"Animal Crossing."

Do you see this,
you guys?

This is what
I've been talking about.

He is so invested
in his relationship,

he's willing to give up
his entire identity

for another person.

Look at this.
Learn from this.

Do not be this.

Honey,
just be yourself.

And if Celia doesn't
want you for you,

then she's not
the right person for you.

It's like Jackie says.
Hold onto your power.

Okay, you're taking advice
from Jackie?

She's our guru.

Yeah, now we both
have dates.

And I have nowhere
to put my nuts.

I'm having a very similar issue
with this onesie.

♪♪

[ Grunts ]

Excuse me.
Uh, can I help you?

Oh, yeah.
You got a step stool?

Let me rephrase
the question.

What the hell are you doing?
That's my tree.

[ Chuckles ] I don't think
anyone can own nature.

[ Chuckles ] As someone who owns
this yard, I think I can.

Yeah, I planted that tree
seven years ago,

and this is the first season
it's bearing fruit, okay?

It's been through a drought.
It's been through fungus.

It's been through
my divorce.

Those are my lemons.

Alright, simmer down,
Captain Serious.

There's plenty of lemons
for everyone.

Okay, but they're not
foreveryone,

are they,
Dr. Steals-my-lemons?

They're mine.
[ Sighs ]

See, it's moments like this
that make me really miss

living in Canada.

[ Sighs ]

Oh, hey, Sunshine.
I brought you a gift.

I couldn't get flowers,
so I brought you these.

Aww, lemons!

Like when we met.
Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that's why I got them.
Yeah.

Are you parked out front?

Oh, am I driving?

Oh, alright, then you better
give me a moment

to put a towel down
on the front seat.

You probably don't want
to hear this from me,

but I don't think you should
go out with that guy.

No, you have to stop.No, no, no.

He just stole
my lemons --

that one you're holding
right in your hand.Do you want it back?

No, I have more than I can use.
But what are you doing?

What are youdoing?
I'm living my life.

If you thought I was just gonna
sit around and wait for you,

you thought wrong.
Oh.

Besides, I don't owe you
an explanation.

The only thing I owe you
is rent.

Which I will get to you,
by the way.

I ran out of checks.

Okay, fine. Doesn't matter.
Fine, whatever.

I'm just trying to save you
from having a bad night.

Oh.

Okay, we are all set.

Back seat is a disaster, though,
so if this goes great,

we're gonna have to make out
on my hood.

[ Chuckles ]
Don't wait up.

♪♪

Alright, I got us a little bit
of everything.

And for some reason,
a lot of hummus.

Uh, when you said we were gonna
grab something to eat,

I didn't think we were
coming back here.

I-I was kind of thinking
restaurant...

menus...

chairs.
Oh.

Sorry, Jean.
I don't go to restaurants.

I should have
said something sooner,

but I'm a freegan.

A freegan what?

No, a-a freegan.
It's a way of life.

I haven't dated
in a long time.

I-Is that a religion
or a type of sex?

Because if it's a religion,
then I'm out.

Uh, n-- You see,
I-I don't pay for things.

I think the gross consumerism
in this country

has gotten out of hand,
so I just try to make do

with what people are giving away
or throwing out.

So, you never pay
for food?

Oh, not just food.

I mean, I get all my furniture
from the -- the curbside,

I get my towels from the gym,
and as for my clothes,

I pretty much just wait
for people my size

to, you know, die.

Oh.

Wow.
That's...resourceful.

I see treasure
in what others cast aside.

Kind of like
how I met you.

Remember, you thought that guy
was flirting with you?

I remember.
And he wasn't.

I remember.
And he had a wife.

I remember.
Yeah.

Well, that seemed like a perfect
moment for me to swoop in

and pick up
what he left behind.

Same way I got
my Ping-Pong table.

Although you're a lot prettier
than my Ping-Pong table.

And you have a lot less
bird crap on you.

Okay.
You know what?

This has been great.
[ Chuckles ]

And I learned
a new word.

Thanks for asking me out,

but this is the end
of your free sample of me.

You take care.

I figured
you'd probably leave.

You're clearly
out of my league.

I was surprised you said yes
in the first place.

I don't date much.

You know, it was just really
nice to be out with someone

instead of sitting at home
in some dead guy's pants,

watching TV through
my neighbor's window.

I'm just really tired of waiting
for something to happen.

It's nice to be out.

I was tired
of waiting around, too.

[ Sighs ]

I did great.

I got half an ear of corn,
flavored pretzels,

all of the kombuchas,

and I got one hand exfoliated
by the lotion lady

when I told her
it was my birthday.

[ Whispers ]
It's not my birthday.

You are a natural
at this.

Guess which hand they did.Okay. I love this game.

Alright.

Oh, I -- I think
it's the left one.

I mean, the other one
is really nice, too,

but, uh, this one's
a little softer.

[ Chuckles ]

Hey, have you ever been
to the Hollywood Bowl?

No, but I've always
wanted to.

Oh, well, I don't have tickets
or anything,

but if you hike like about
500 feet up above the Bowl,

you can almost see
the show

and you can almost hear
the music.

Is that why you have binoculars
in your car?

Yeah.

Well, that saves us
a conversation.

[ Both chuckle ]

♪♪

[ Door opens ]

Hey.
Oh, hey.

Whatcha doing?

I'm not really
doing anything.

Is that a bandage?

Oh. [ Chuckles ]

Yep. Yeah.
I got inked.

I got it
down at the tattoo shop.

I'm a tat guy now.

Got to keep it out of the water,
though.

No bubble baths
for this bad boy.

Ow!

You got a tattoo?
Are you insane?

Why?
I don't know.

Just trying
something new.

A.B.T. --
always be trying.

S.N. --
something new.

Okay, I know
what this is about.

You've been acting weird

ever since we had
that conversation

about our dating history.

What?
What conversation?

Oh, it had something
to do with, uh...

Germany and --
and throuples?

Yeah, I knew
that freaked you out.

Why?

I just want you to know that I'm
willing to do whatever it takes

to keep you interested.

I'll get tats,
piercings.

I'm willing to play
the saxophone again.

I really don't want you to get
tired of me, Celia.

Why would I get
tired of you?

Because you want --

you want variety and exotic
locations and adventure.

I'm just a...

just a straight,
white man.

Yeah, I can tell by the way
you're telling me what I want.

Look,
after quarantine started,

I couldn't travel,
there were no more parties,

I was still on probation,

my hairstylist moved
back to Omaha --

Wait. What?
Yeah, I know.
I had to cut this myself.

Ugh. I just had to stop
and be for a minute.

And it gave me time
to figure out

what I truly wanted
and needed.

And then we met,
and I realized it was you.

You mean me, the Iowa boy
with the beige pants

and the boring
work-from-home job?

I'm saying
I love you, dummy.

I love you, too.

Okay, let's see
that tattoo.

Okay. Okay.
But just so you know...Mm-hmm.

...I got it for you.
Great.

And it stands for
"Celia for all time."

Okay.
Okay.

Again...
Mm-hmm.

..."for all time."
Great.

"Celia FAT"?

"For all time."

Have it removed.I already made
the appointment.

Oh, honey,
you're still here.

I thought you had plans.

Oh, I'm just gonna see Hank
tomorrow.

His nap ran into
regular bedtime.

How was your date?It was great.

We had a small-plates dinner,
I got half a beauty treatment,

and we played a game
of "Which hand is softer?"

Wow!
That sounds w-weird.

So, um, are you gonna
see him again?

No. [ Chuckles ]
No, no, no, no, no.

I mean, he was very sweet,
but not for me.

But don't tell Danny
for at least a week.

[ Chuckles ]

You were right.

I feel like
I took my power back.

You know why?

It's because I'm a guru.
[ Chuckles ]

I'm really proud
of you, Mom.

I'm proud of me, too.

[ Door opens ]

Hey, Mother Raines.Hey.

Hey, Mother Raines
in the making.

Just grabbing some clothes
that I left here,

and I'll be heading out.

See you all later!

Wait. What's going on?
What happened on your date?

Still on it. Going to
Palm Springs for the weekend.

See you all later!

Uh, what happened to being
aloof, not giving it all away?

Well, what happened is...
Palm Springs.

I'll be giving away
plenty.

See you all la--

Okay, I mean,
thank you so much.

You definitely helped
with my nerves in the beginning,

but turns out,
that's not who I am.

I'm a sharer.

Victor says I'm as open
as a garden store on Saturday.

And he loves it.

So, seriously,
see you all later!

Have fun.

Bye.
[ Chuckles ]

This is exactly what
I told him not to do.

Sometimes you have to
give something away

to get something back.

He's going to get hurt.

Opening yourself up
is the only way

to have a real relationship,
sweetie.

My relationship is real.

Oh, I know.

I-I was talking about Lane.

Your thing is good.

And now I'm gonna get out
of these clothes

and put on
my victory fleece.

Thanks for your help.

♪♪

Oh.
Sorry.

No, you go ahead.No, no, please.

Oh. Wow.

I could never have sex
in a closet

after removing
a brain tumor.

I probably could.

[ Crunching ]

Mm. [ Chuckles ]

♪♪

[ Ringing]

[ Cellphone chimes ]

Hank. It's Jackie.

It's a video call.

Take your ear away
from the phone.

All I see is ear.

Hank, look at the phone.
My face is on the phone.

Okay.

Oh. No, you got to
turn it around.

The other way.

No, the other way.

I'm looking at the floor.

All I can see is the rug.

No, you don't -- No, no, no, no.

Keep holding the phone the way
that you're holding the phone.

It's the bottom --
bottom button.

Bottom button.
Can you see me at all?

Can you -- It's -- Just flip it.

If you hit that,
you're gonna hang up on me.

No. Okay. No --[ Cellphone chimes ]

Okay. You hung up on me.

♪♪