All language subtitles for C.O.G. (2013).eng

I said,
"You're goddamn right, I'm having this baby.

"I'm having this stinking piece of shit,
whether you want to be the daddy or not."

I said, "I'm done fucking around
with an old white-faced nigger

"too busy chasing bush pussy
to get off his fat ass

"and get himself a job.

"You crawled out of your mammy's
old, tattered pussy

"and grabbed hold
of those milk-stained titties

"and ain't looked back once.

"So if you don't want this baby,
I'll find another son of a bitch

"who won't look at the world
through the slit of his shit-blistered,

"faggoty-assed, worm-sized dick."

Are you listenin' to me?

- Yeah.
- Good!

'Cause I don't want to be wasting
my words on nothing here.

So I said,

"You can suck the cream out of
my old granddaddy's cum-stained cock

"before I ever let you see the face
of this wrinkly-assed baby.

"And if it looks anything like you,

"I'll have that doctor saw off
his fucking head and use it as bait."

Can you believe,

that after all that shit
the bastard put me through,

he had the nerve to ask me
what I was planning on naming that baby.

Can you believe that?

Motherfucker, you try kicking me,
I'll come in there with a coat hanger

and give you something to kick about!

These last five hours...

I never thought I'd meet
someone like you here.

Me, too.

Mmm-mmm.

Come on. It's almost my stop.

Okay.

Hey.

- Hey!
- Yeah?

You think you're gonna
learn something from that book?

Trying to.

I'll tell you something.

You really want to learn the truth,
there's only one place to do it.

The Chatham Correctional Institute.

It's the best fucking school
in this entire country.

- It taught me everything I know.
- I bet it did.

Hell, you could fill a racetrack
with every piece of shit ever written,

but you would still learn more
right here in this seat, talking to me.

I'm talking about the Lord.

Have you opened your heart up to Jesus?

Look, I'm going to spare you the effort.

I think that religion is meant for people
who aren't smart enough

to understand how the world really works.

And are so scared
of being small and insignificant

that they need someone to tell them
how special and important they really are.

Also, never having personally seen
a racetrack full of books,

- I'll take my chances.
- Oh, book...

You can go take your imaginary ghost
somewhere else.

- The Bible says...
- I know what the Bible says.

Well, then what's your problem with it?

It's poorly written.

Hey.

Hey.

So what do you do?

I'm a student.

You look a little old to be in school.

What grade are you in?

You wouldn't understand.

Speed, 50.

Cat in that car.

It's your stop.

Hi. We're not home right now,

so leave a message after the beep,
and we'll call you back.

Hey. It's me.

I'm only letting you know
I got here as a courtesy.

Mom, please don't try to reach me.

And don't try to say you're sorry.

I'm going off the radar for a while,

and it's going to be amazing.

Maybe you'll hear from me at some point,

but you probably won't.

Is this Mrs. Hobbs?

- She's dead.
- Oh.

- Sorry.
- She had cancer.

Now Ringo, there,
has got the same damn thing.

He's got tumors up his ass
the size of Bartlett pears.

Let's see. David, right?

Uh, Samuel, actually.

Oh.

It says you're working together
with some girl.

Yeah. Jennifer. She'll be here next week.

Okay. So what are you doing here?

Well, like I said over the phone,

I want a change of pace for a little bit.

Get my hands dirty.

I've got four weeks to rip
all these assholes off the branches

before they shrivel.

I'll come by at the end of the day
and check your bins.

For each bin, I'll pay you $40.

For every fucked apple in the bin,
I'll dock you a dollar.

One bad apple
spoils the whole bunch.

You're telling me?

The kids who live around here,
they think they're too goddamn good to work.

The only thing left is trash or Mexicans,
and I'll take the stupid Mexicans any day.

You speak a little Spanish?

No, I don't.

They didn't teach you that at your college?

No, I studied Japanese.

Huh. What the fuck for?

Yeah, we'll find you a bed in here,

and the amigos make food in the morning
and at night on the pit outside.

I'm sure they'll let you in
on some of it, if you're nice.

- Pedro!
- Sí, Sr. Hobbs.

Pedro, this is Samuel. He's from New York.

Connecticut.

He's come out here to see
what it's like on the other side.

I want you to show him the ropes.

Hi.

Soy Samuel.

Pedro de dónde eres.

Oh, I don't speak Spanish.

No Español.

Okay.

I thought this would be easier.

I figured you just picked them up
off the ground when they fell.

Oh, fuck!

- Hey!
- Sorry.

Good job, guys.

Thank you.

- Salsa?
- No, thank you.

So I said to her, I said,
"How come you're not coming with me?"

She wanted to take a ride from some guy
she just met who was driving to California,

and she said that he only had room
for her in his car.

So she forced me to take the bus
all by myself.

The bus.

Can you believe that?

Mmm-hmm.

Well, you wouldn't believe it
if you knew what I was saying.

Hey!

What the hell you doing?

- Taking a break.
- A break?

I was tired.

You're supposed to work, not sit there
wasting your time reading crap.

Come here.

I want you to do something for me.

Okay.

I want you to go in town...

And fill up this tank with butane gas.

I need it for my stove.

- Okay, but...
- Can you do that?

Yeah, which car should I take?

Good morning. How are you?

I'll go ahead and give that to you,
if you don't mind.

Whoops! You forgot it.
Oh, no! Oh, no!

- Hey!
- Hi.

- That looks heavy.
- Yep.

Hey, what's your name?

Sorry, I'm not gonna buy anything from you.

Oh, no, no, no.
What I'm selling doesn't cost any money.

- Look at that.
- What's a C.O.G.?

- Why don't you try guessing?
- I don't really like guessing games.

I don't know. Come on.
Just go ahead. Just give it a try.

- Capable of genocide?
- Ah, no. No.

Oh, well. If you were one, you'd know.

How's that?

Well, have you let Jesus into your heart?

I'm an atheist.

Oh! If you don't believe in anything,
what's there left to believe in?

That doesn't make any sense.

Well, my name is Jon.

I'll be right here when you're ready
to stop talking nonsense.

In the meanwhile, look at that.

- There's my number.
- Great.

- You call me if you need anything.
- Thank you.

- Do you want another one for the road?
- Nope.

- You sure? Okay.
- Yep.

All right. Here we go.
Hey, I like that shirt.

Oh.

Hey, there. You need some help?

- No, I'm good, thank you.
- Are you sure?

Yeah.

- Not one to ask help, are you?
- Nope.

I can tell that.

You're gonna do it all by yourself, aren't you?

Yeah.

- Well, we'll see how far that gets you.
- Okay.

Looks like it might get you
to the end of the block.

- Yeah, I'm good. Thank you. Yep.
- Yeah?

- Okay. I could push it for you.
- No, I'm fine, thank you.

Okay.

Ahem. No more breaks.

Sure.

I got it.

Hey.

Yes, my school.

Mi "eschoolio."

What?

Oh, girls. Yeah. There are girls there.

I don't understand.

Mujer.

Girl.

A daughter?
No, I don't have a daughter.

No, no.

Oh, God, no. Pedro, no.

Jesus.

- No mujeres?
- No mujeres, okay?

Definitely no mujeres.

Oh, hey.

Hey, cows.

Hi.

Are you hungry?

Come on.

Go get it.

Stupid fucking cow.

Do cows look forward to anything?

They must be so bored.

I mean, what do they even do all day?

Do they regret things?

Like, "I should've gone to that side

"of the field today
because this side is a mess."

Hey! David!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, Jennifer.

- Oh, my God!
- At last!

- Oh!
- Oh!

Look at you.

Johnny Appleseed.

It's only been six days and it looks like
you've been working up here for years.

It is such a relief to see you.

Why are you wearing that sweater?

And why does everyone here
think your name is Samuel?

I don't know, I thought it'd be fun to be
called something different for a change.

You retard.

I cannot tell you
how bad it's been without you,

but now that you're here,
we're gonna have fun.

What's he doing here?

- You're not staying?
- David, it's not like that.

You know this was her idea, right?

She was reading Grapes of Wrath
and said, "Let's go work in the fields."

So I gave up everything,
my credit cards, my cell phone.

You said, "Let's see how the real people live."

Well, Jennifer,

why did you even come?

I had no way to reach you.

Hobbs doesn't even answer his phone, and...

And I thought that maybe you would
want to come down with us.

It just felt right to come and visit.

This isn't a visit, it's an execution.

You took a detour to come here
and fuck me face-to-face.

Okay, hey, man,
you know, you don't have to be so mean.

Oh, Rob, could you give us a moment?

- I mean, could you leave?
- David!

Okay. Where do you want me to go?

The bathroom or something.
Just get out of here.

- I'm sorry.
- It's all right.

That guy?

- He's your boyfriend now?
- Yes.

- You've fucked already?
- Yes.

In his car?

- Yes.
- You're a slut.

I'm not kidding.

It won't last. You'll see.

Will you stop being
such a little bitch about this?

You're abandoning me in Shitsville, Oregon.

So come with Rob and me to San Francisco.

David...

I mean, these people are trash.

They're more trouble than they're worth.

I think I fit in here just fine.

You don't have to do that to yourself.

Playing whatever
sadomasochistic victim card,

it isn't going to help you.

It's just masochism, not sadomasochism.

Hmm.

I know what this is really about,

and just because you avoid them,

it doesn't mean that
they're going to miss you.

Just stop being so prideful.

Get over it.

It's not like anything that bad
really happened anyways.

This thing with that guy will end,

and then you're going
to come running to me in tears.

'Cause you're never going to find
anyone as good as me.

I know.

I love you.

It's fine. Just leave me here.

Pedro, where are you going?

He said he's leaving picking season early

to go down to Los Angeles,
to try and find better work.

He'll end up like all the rest,
Home Depot roadkill.

Guess you won't be around long
now that girl of yours is leaving.

Actually, I was thinking
I might stay a little longer.

Clifford died.

- The dog?
- No, my nephew.

That big fat-ass that used to live
in the trailer home out there?

I don't think I ever met him.

That's because he'd been in the damn
hospital for the last three months.

Clifford worked at the packing plant,

and they called looking for someone
to take his place on the night shift.

I figured I could, you know,
put in a good word with the manager.

For me?

- I...
- Yeah.

Well, no, I figured it wasn't worth asking you.

You've got better things to do in life
than sorting apples.

Hi. We can't get to the phone,

so leave a message after the beep,
and we'll call you back. Thanks.

Hey, Mom.

It's me. David.

I was just, uh...

Calling to say hi and see how things are.

Everything here is good.

I'm just, uh, you know, working a lot,

experiencing a lot.

I was just thinking I might stay on
a couple more months.

I'm having such a great time,

and they could still really use my help here.

On top of that, I hear
it's really beautiful in the winter, so...

Anyway, Mom, I will, uh...

I'll talk to you later.

Say hi to Dad for me.

Excuse me.

Well, the job's only good
for a few months,

and after that I guarantee
you won't want to see another goddamn apple

the rest of your natural life.

They'll be expecting you at the plant at 8:00.

It's just a couple of miles down the road.

Okay. Sounds good.

Well?

Hi.

Hey!

It's my first day here.

Ever, actually, in a factory.

How many years have you done this?

You're going too slow!

What?

Get back to work!

Oh, thanks.

No.

No?

Okay, I don't know what you just said,

but you're not gonna
let me have any, are you?

Oh, fuck! God, those apples are in pesticide!

Ah, Jesus!

Alls I can tell you about the union,
is they better lay off my fucking benefits,

or else they'll find themselves
picking their teeth

from between my bleeding knuckles.

I will knock that fucker union rep
all the way to Japan.

Hey, so have any of you
ever actually been to Japan?

It's a really beautiful place.

I lived there when I was
learning the language.

I studied it for a year back at Yale.

All right. Tell me, Einstein.

What's the Japanese word for "Blowhard"?

I didn't mean...

Yeah, Einstein, I could tell
that you were so smart

when I saw you bite into one
of those apples last week.

I said to myself, "There's someone
with a good head on their shoulders."

Look, look, Einstein, if you are so smart,

then tell me, how do you say,
uh, "Cocksucker",

in Jap?

How do you say that in Jap?

Come on, girls. Leave the boy alone.

He's got a lot better things to think about
than your sorry-ass union troubles.

They're your troubles too.

Don't think for one second
that you're better than us,

just 'cause you've got
some balls to play with...

...and scratch.

Sit next to me.

Don't mind them.
They're just a bunch of hens.

You know, once they get too old to lay eggs,

we take them out back
and we wring their necks.

I'm Brian.

My friends call me Curly.
You can call me Curly.

- I'm Samuel.
- Nice to meet you, Sam.

I'm more of a Samuel than a Sam.

I like that. Formality.

I'm a forklift operator here.
I work mostly days.

Oh, that's why I haven't seen you
around here much.

I'm pulling double duty today,

trying to get a little extra money
for me and my mom.

Making friends here isn't very easy, is it?

It must be hard for someone
such as yourself in a place like this.

Those morons, they resent
anybody with a brain,

decent education.

You know, they feel threatened.

I know just what you're going through.
You and me are a lot alike.

Yeah?

I'm not as smart as you, probably, but I'm...

In January I'm gonna enroll
in management classes

at a community college.

Oh, that's great.

Yeah, it's time to put on
the thinking cap, you know?

I've wasted enough time already.

Curly, you scared me.

Hey, you want to grab a smoke?

I can't. It's not my break time, I'm...

I'm friends with the manager.
You're not gonna get in trouble.

Okay.

I was wondering,
what's a guy like you doing out here?

Well, I was working for Hobbs for a bit.

Kind of like a work-study thing.

Then this job came up.

Hobbs. What a fucker.

No, but I mean, like,
what are you doing out here?

Just taking some time off.

You know, I finished up
grad school in Connecticut.

And didn't feel like moving home,
didn't feel like moving on to my PhD,

so I thought I'd come out here and...

Just thought I'd try something different.

Man, that is why you are smarter
than this whole damn state.

I knew it the second I saw you.

Look at these old fools.

They just want the same old, same old.

But not me, not you.

No, we want something different.

There's nothing I won't try. Nothing.

Look at all that shit.
What do you think of when you look at that?

I just think, "Everything I've ever bought...

"Every piece of food, bar of soap,
toothbrush, anything,

"it all comes with its own history

"of some miserable person rubbing
their grubby little fingers all over it."

Mostly I just think,
"Look at all those fat dykes."

Yeah, that too.

Sam-well?

- Sam-well!
- That's me!

Come with me.
We're moving you up to fancy sorting.

Curly recommended you for the position.

Says you got more brains
than those cunts down there

and that you should be
doing something more.

The washed apples come down this way,

and all you've gotta do is let
the fancy ones continue on down the line.

The extra-fancy ones, you sort out up here.

Think you can do that?

Yeah.

Wait. What's the difference
between fancy and extra-fancy?

Hey, so I was thinking,
what are you doing later?

Later tonight?

Yeah, you want to get a drink or something?

Silly Sammy, it's Thanksgiving!

Oh, yeah. That's right.

You know what? Let's do it.

A real workman's Thanksgiving.

No. I'd feel bad.

Well, you're not...

You're not a pussy, are you?

No.

Then say it.

I'm not a pussy.

- Oh, okay.
- All right.

Here we go.

- It feels good. Huh?
- Yeah. It does.

You know, Curly,

you're the first friend I've made
in the four weeks I've been out here.

That's... That's a sweet thing to say.

I mean it.

I think everybody else
is just so intimidated by me.

You know, they don't know
how to talk to me, but I'm friendly, right?

I... I want friends too.

My mother always said to me

that one good friend is better
than a whole bunch of fake ones.

I guess that's true.

- To friends.
- To good friends.

You know what?
You should come over tonight.

Meet my mother. She'd love you.

Sure.

Welcome to the casa du Curly.

Let me take your coat.

- Get comfortable.
- Okay.

- Thanks.
- Sure.

Hello? Hey!

- Brian, is that you?
- That's my mom.

Who is that there? Hello!

- Come on. Who is it?
- Mom, are you decent?

Your number one son is here.

Oh, Brian, I thought you were
those Taylor boys

come over to pick up all those franks.

What's one person supposed
to do with that many franks?

Okay, I can handle it in the morning.

No, sir. I want those franks
out of my closet right now.

- Mom, I've got a friend over right now.
- I don't care. I want them gone.

- I think it's time for you to go to bed.
- No! No.

I'll call the Taylors in the morning.

- Now you go to bed, okay?
- Okay. Thank you, Brian.

Good night, Mom.

Boy, is she tired.

I swear, sometimes she's just like a clock.
You know what I mean?

Cuckoo, cuckoo.

- Is everything all right?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I bet your mom's an old coot too, huh?

She's okay, I guess.

She's like a crazy liberal, right?

Well, I thought she was, but then she wasn't.

We're not really on speaking terms right now.

That's a shame.

We're at a stalemate,
and I'm not about to be the one who budges.

Well, I'm sure she'll come around.
That's how mothers are.

You know, my mom,
she's like a regular three-headed monster

when she doesn't get her way.

You're not like that, are you?

You're not like a cranky old werewolf
when you don't get your way, are you?

Well, I usually get my way.

You're a clever little boy, aren't you?

Anybody ever say that to you?

No. Thank you.

Let's go to my room. I got a surprise for you.

A surprise?

Yeah. You gotta close your eyes.

- Okay.
- No peeking.

- Whoa. That's the wall?
- Careful.

- That's my mom's room, so be quiet.
- Oh, right. Sorry, sorry.

- Hey, no peeking, no peeking. Come on.
- Sorry. Sorry.

- What's the surprise?
- It's not a surprise if I tell you.

Okay. All right.

Oh, I hear a door.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Keep 'em closed, keep 'em closed.
- All right, they're closed.

- Sit down.
- Oh!

Okay. Open your eyes.

What do you think?

Are those custom-made shelves?
They fit the wall so nicely.

The toy collection, silly.

Oh.

It's a big... Mmm-hmm.

You know, I thought you'd appreciate it
more than anybody else I knew.

You know, the minute I saw you,
I said to myself,

"There's a boy who needs a playmate."

Well, Charlie Brown, you wanna play?

Oh, Curly, look...
Look, you've been so nice to me, but I...

Well, we work together.

Wouldn't it be unprofessional?

It's just a fuckin' apple factory.

Come on. You've been coming on so strong.
You can't back out now.

Uh, no, no, no, it's not that.
I just, uh...

I was too embarrassed
to say it outside, but...

I have these terrible crabs,

and I would hate for you to catch them.

It wouldn't be the first time.

Oh!

I'm just kidding. Come here.

Curly will find each

...and every one of those crabs

and just smack the shit out of 'em.

Okay, whoa.
Could I just go to the bathroom first?

I'd like to, uh...

Prepare.

Okay. I like a clean boy.

- Hmm.
- Down the hall, to your right.

- Don't wake my mom up. She's sleeping.
- Okay, yeah. Thank you.

- Hurry up.
- Okay.

Oh, my God.

Sammy?

Sammy, what are you doing in there?

Oh!

Where the fuck did you go, Sammy?

Don't run away! I just wanted to play some!

I wasn't gonna hurt you!

Bitch, I didn't get you that raise for nothing!

It's fine. It's fine. I know how this works.

I'll just...

I'll find you tomorrow at work,
and we'll settle it then.

Will you tell him
I won't be coming in anymore?

I got a job back home at my alma mater, Yale.

What? You're going to jail?

No, Yale!

So it looks like I'll be heading home.

I've been invited to teach some classes
back in my alma mater.

Probably a few advanced Japanese classes.

They're practically begging me to come back.

Uh-huh.

What the fuck?

Hey!

Did you take my money?

Did you take my money?

Move! Where is it?

Don't lie to me, you cheap fucking bastards!

Where is my money? Where is it?

You didn't succeed in your own country!

What makes you think
you could make it here, huh?

Where is it?

You don't just steal from somebody like that!

Not in America!

Hello?

Yes. Hello?

David?

Hello.

Hi.

Is this Jon?

There you are. It's good to see you again.

Hello.

So you're in a bit of trouble, huh?

I don't really have a place to stay.

Say no more. You've come to the right guy.

So, let's start fresh.

I'm Jonathan Comb, C.O.G.

That's right. I'm Samuel.

No acronymed affiliation.

No acro...

Grab your bag.

Come on. Hop in.

Look, Sam, I got an idea.
Why don't you work for me for a bit?

By the time we reap the benefits
of all our hard work,

I'm sure you'll have plenty of money
for that bus ticket home.

What do you do?

I'm an artist. That's what I do.

- Have you ever met an artist before?
- Yeah.

Well, then you know we can act
a little strange sometimes,

but I've had all my shots,
and I've never bit anyone that I know of.

Yeah, I got about three weeks
until the fair and a lot to do.

You can be my apprentice till then.

I got a sofa you can sleep on in the meantime.

Thanks, Jon.

- I really appreciate it.
- No more.

I'm just doing the Lord's work.

I'm just doing the Lord's work

I'm just doing the Lord's work

I'm just doing the Lord's work

I'm just doing the Lord's work

Come on!

I'm just doing the Lord's work

Sing with me!

I'm just doing the Lord's work

I'm just doing the Lord's work

Uh-huh!

I'm just doing the Lord's work

Uh-huh!

I'm just doing the Lord's work

- You'll get it.
- You have a good voice.

Thank you.

These kind people in this house,
members of my church.

I told them I was looking for a studio.

They handed me the keys to the garage...

Just like that.

Huh.

You meet the greatest people in the world
living right here in this very town.

Well, I don't need to remind you of that.

You've already met one of 'em.

Who?

Me!

What do you think?

- It's nice.
- Yeah, it is.

- Good afternoon, Jon!
- Afternoon.

How is the Lord treating you...
We haven't said Grace yet.

Well, this day is a gift of the Lord's.

As is every day.

Who's your friend, Jon?

- Oh, this is Samuel.
- Hi.

You better hold on to your socks,

'cause I'm about to knock 'em off.

Ta-da!

How are those socks treating you?

- What is it?
- It's jade.

What do you do with it?

Well, I make sculptures.

Useful ones.

This isn't the highest-quality jade,

but it's enough to make me
a rich man 10 times over,

if I don't mess up and start drinking again.

Ooh! Knock wood.

Do you want to knock wood? Go right ahead.

- That's okay. I'll take your word for it.
- Oh, no, no.

It's not real wood. I was just pulling your leg.

Was just pulling...

- Cool.
- It's plastic.

It's all mine.

You can't have it.

Well, how long is he going to stay?

I don't know, Paul.
I think Jon's just helping the kid out.

Martha, our charity can only extend so far.

Just give him some time.

See you.

Hey.

Sam.

- Jesus, Jon.
- No, no, no, no, no.

Don't take his name in vain.

- Sorry.
- Yeah.

- What time is it?
- It's 6:00 AM.

We gotta get up for the morning service.

- Church?
- Yeah, come on.

Fits you well.

Oh, yeah, it does.

We couldn't have you showing up at church

wearing that old, torn-up
college sweater of yours.

Right.

Do you need help with that?

Oh, uh, yeah.

Thank you.

Mmm-hmm.

Your father never taught you how to tie a tie?

No, he didn't.

My mom just always tied mine for me.

You know, you and I
must only be a few years apart.

- What?
- Nothing. I just...

I can't imagine being responsible
for anyone but myself right now.

It isn't as hard as it looks.

When you come to services,
when you read scripture,

everywhere you look, you are told

that for the forgiveness of the things
that we do in our lives,

you need to repent.

Repentance begins with knowing,

being aware that you did something wrong.

Well, wasn't that amazing?

- Sure. It was great.
- Yeah?

- Can we get some breakfast now?
- Yeah.

So, I guess you must be wondering.

- Wondering what?
- How I lost my leg.

I didn't want to ask.

Desert Storm. Land mine.

- I'm sorry.
- You're sorry about what?

It was the best thing
that ever happened to me.

After I survived,
the army sent me back to Alaska.

So there I was, my leg was yesterday's news,

but I still had both hands,

and that's all it took to reach for the bottle.

I was a dried-up pill,

nothing to do but get drunk
and feel sorry for myself,

and that is exactly what I did.

Until I met a man

who told me

that I could stand tall

without a complete pair of stinking feet.

That man was named Jesus Christ.

He told me to sober up
and hightail it the fuck out of Alaska.

So I was an outsider just like you
when I first came here.

It didn't take me long to fit right in.

That church got me back my leg.

They had a fund-raiser...

Just for me.

That was very good of them.

It certainly was.

Tomorrow we get to work,

and I will show you exactly
what I can do with that jade.

Take a look at this rock.

That's nothing, right?

Just a dusty hunk of nothing.

But with a little skill and talent,

what is it?

A clock.

Of course it's a clock. What else is it though?

Uh...

- It's Oregon, dummy.
- Oh!

I know you haven't been here long,
but that's still no excuse.

- Everyone knows the shape of Oregon.
- Ah.

Yeah.

Man, the yokels are gonna snatch
these babies up like it's nobody's business.

I'm charging 100 bucks a pop for them.

Jon, that seems like a lot.

Oh, that's nothing

compared to what
some of these craft fair jokers

charge for their wildlife paintings.

It's like...

Is it hard to do?

I started cutting and polishing
in Washington years ago.

I've been a rock hound ever since.

I'm probably the best person out there
to teach someone like you.

Where do we start?

Hey there, Lord.

It's me again, Jon, your old buddy.

Um, if it's not too much to ask,

I was wondering if you could keep an eye
on my new assistant today.

I need his help,
but I don't want him screwing up my jade.

Let me try to be patient,

and let me try to teach him about you.

And about this precious jade
that you've given me.

And hey, thanks for the coffee,

uh, but do you have any sugar?

No, you can joke with the Lord. No, he likes it.

Amen.

- Amen. Come on.
- Amen.

Depends on the pressure.
Yeah, the harder you push...

Huh?

- That's pretty neat.
- Yeah.

- Put that in there.
- All right.

Clamp 'er down. There you go.

Clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp,
clamp, clamp, clamp.

- Is it looking set?
- Yes.

All right.

- I've never seen this before.
- Really?

Yeah. It's great.

- And it'll just cut the stone?
- Yup.

We need this because if we don't,
the blade's gonna get hot.

- Right.
- Turn it up. Stand back.

Go ahead.

- Just put it right here?
- Yeah.

Go ahead.

We call it... We call it spinning.

I've got it. Okay.

Hey, Jon.

Yeah?

Why do you believe in God?

What kind of question is that?

I don't know. Don't you ever think
that everything around us just exists?

"Just exists"?

- That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard of...
- Ow! Fuck!

Shit!

Jon, I'm so sorry.

Maybe if you spent less time talking bullshit...

Jon, is there a problem?

Oh, I've got a problem, all right.

This motherfucker just dropped four hours
of backbreaking work on the fucking floor!

- That's my problem!
- Jon.

What?

Oh, Lord.

This must be some kind of test.

What else I had done to deserve this...

Dumb shit!

All right, let's just get back to work.

In Jesus' name, amen.

Amen.

Ahem.

Jon, how is the work coming?

Oh, wonderfully, thank the Lord.

Regardless of our little hiccup,
I think we'll be ready in time for the fair.

Samuel is picking things up like a pro.

- Jon.
- Yup.

Martha and I were talking,

and we think it's about time for you
and your friend to find a new place.

What?

Martha, is that true?

Well, that ain't right, Paul.

Jon, it's not like that. We just...

We promised Peter here
that when he turned 10,

we'd give him the space you've been using
as a new room.

So where do you suppose I go?

- Maybe I should leave you...
- Stay, Samuel.

I spoke to Joe, Joe Thompson,

and he said that you guys could use
the old beauty parlor his mother left him.

Hmm.

So you want me
to live in a beauty salon?

What kind of Christians are you?

Jon, we're really sorry.

We're... We're really sorry.

Please, just let me stay until the fair.

I... Come on.

I think that things would,
you know, really change

- if I could sell some of those clocks...
- Jon...

Christians don't give and take away!

Jesus did not put his disciples
in a beauty parlor.

Did he?

Huh?

No. He did not.

We've been very good to you, Jon.

It's time to move on.

We're all packed up.

Sam, we didn't mean to kick you out.

It's okay. I understand.

And Jon does too.

- He just doesn't want to.
- Thank you.

- Is this it?
- Yup.

Our new home.

- Hey, Sam.
- Yeah?

Friend of mine wants to have a word with you.

He's been trying to reach you,
but you won't return his calls.

Funny thing, considering
I don't have a phone.

Well, this guy speaks straight to the heart.

Why don't you have a word with him?

What's it going to cost you?

Happiness?

Not everyone needs religion to be happy.

Oh, don't be so jaded, Sam.

What?

Nothing.

You're not happy now.

I can tell that much.

You're searching for something
that's right beneath your little nose,

but you have to reach for joy, Sam.

It's not going to just drop on your lap.

You've got to ask for it.

Just ask for happiness?

That's it?

Yeah.

When everyone abandons you,
what are you left with?

What are you left with?

You're left with God, and God alone.

You may lose your body,

you can lose your mind,

but you'll always, always have your soul.

I don't know about you,
but that makes me pretty happy.

Hey, Samuel.

Oh, hey, Martha.

It was a wonderful service today, wasn't it?

Actually, yeah, it was.

- Your tie.
- Oh, yeah.

Jon actually taught me how to tie it.

There was a lot of yelling.

Samuel, I don't mean to pry,

but a woman called our house the other day,

and said she was looking
for someone named David?

Said she was his mother.

And I didn't think anything of it,

but, well, part of me felt maybe
she was talking about you?

That maybe your middle name was Samuel.

Uh, no.

I don't think so.

I mean, what, uh, makes you think
that she was talking about me?

Well, she described someone
that sounded a lot like you.

That could be anybody.

She was worried, that's all.

Just felt I should ask.

Nope. Not me.

Okay. Have a good day.

Have a good day.

- Hey, Jon.
- Yeah.

Would it be okay if I experimented
with some of the equipment?

I think I've got some things figured out.

Sure. Just make sure we're ready
with those clocks for the fair next week.

Of course. And I would just use
the extra leftover scraps,

and it would be after-hours, of course.

All right, well, make sure
you make something useful.

I will.

Well, I'm off to my A.A. meeting.

Don't waste too much time
on that project of yours.

Coming.

Well, hello there, Charlie Brown.

Curly. Hey.

How have you been?

Long time no see.

- How'd you find me here?
- Oh...

You know, you ask around the state
for a faggy little white boy,

eventually you strike gold.

Yeah.

It's a nice place you got here.

Figured you'd wind up at a beauty parlor.

Fucking that gimp?

No, Curly, I'm not.

He's my mentor.

I'm pretty sure it's illegal to steal
a bathrobe in the state of Oregon.

I didn't mean to steal it.

And I hope there's no hard feelings
about last month.

I didn't mean to do that.

It's not right to leave
a man out in the cold like that.

I showed myself to you.

Curly, I'm sorry.

Shit! Curly.

Oh, come on.

- Stop. Curly, stop it.
- You ticklish?

- No. No. Curly, no.
- Huh? Huh?

Oh, you wanna get fluffed like a pillow?

- No, Curly, please!
- Huh?

Oh, please don't... Curly, seriously!

Stop it!

We don't need the toys. It's okay.

I'm sure there's a bottle
around here somewhere.

Curly.

Oh, Curly, please don't do this.

Give me one good reason why I shouldn't.

Jesus.

Jesus, please, help me.

Jesus, I'm so sorry.

Oh, God, help me, please.

I'm a Christian!

Don't you see I can't do this with you?

Oh, please, God.

Please make him go away. Please, God.

Please make him go away.

Oh, enough already.

- Fuck.
- Get out!

You all right, Sam?

Look like shit.

I'm good, Jon.

Really.

Amen.

Amen.

Now please, everyone, keep your eyes closed.

Like we do every week,
I'd like to ask if there's anyone out there

who hasn't yet asked Jesus into your heart,
but you'd like to do so today.

It's okay. This is a safe place.

If you're ready, now is the time.

Yes, you, son, in the back.

Please, come forward.

Bless you.

It takes bravery to come up here.

Have you lived a life without purpose?

Without focus?

I...

I have.

God will let you into his family.

All you have to do is turn away from sin.

Let him forgive you.

Can you ask for forgiveness?

Yes.

Please forgive me.

Don't ask me.

Ask Jesus.

Reach out to him.

Tell him you're sorry.

Kneel on the floor and pray.

Oh, God, oh, my dear Lord,

please forgive me
for all the sins I've committed.

They were so stupid.

Tell him that you want a happy life,

to raise a family,

to get married to a wonderful woman...

And have children
and raise them with his guidance.

Dear God,

please help me to get married soon.

To a woman.

Let me have children.

God is love,

and God loves you.

Do you believe that?

I...

- I do.
- Say it out loud.

God loves me.

Ask him for his help.

Help me, God, please.

Please, I need your help.

Do you feel him?

Do you feel him in your heart?

I do.

You're blessed.

You're blessed.

Welcome.

I knew you'd come through.

Well, you had the best teacher there is.

I now present you with your official title,

C.O.G.

Are you gonna tell me what it means?

Child...

Of...

God.

- And who do you have to thank?
- You?

That's right. Me.

It'll all be different from now on.

You'll see.

Now that I've taught you to be a Christian,
I'm going to teach you other useful things.

- Like what?
- Like how to talk to women.

Oh, I think I'm okay.

You're not okay.

I mean, you're still a virgin.

Jon, I'm not a virgin.

Okay, wait. Look at these two coming here.

Salt and pepper.

Ask 'em if there's
a Miss America pageant in town.

- What? No.
- Go on.

You want to be a man now, right?

- Yeah.
- Ask 'em.

- Hey.
- Louder.

Louder.

- Hey.
- Yeah?

Uh, we were just wondering if...

There was a Miss America pageant
in town that you knew of?

- Huh?
- We wanted to know if there was a Miss...

If you knew if there was
a Miss America pageant here.

Beats the shit out of me.

Someone ought to beat the shit out of her.

Bitch.

...the material, which is great,
and, um...

And I want to thank you for the weather.

It's been pretty good, and I hope that holds.

No rain, if you don't mind.

And, um, wish us luck tomorrow at the fair.

And... Sam, you want to throw something in?

- What, you're good?
- No, you're good.

Okay. Just take a moment and, you know.

- Amen.
- Amen.

Jon, how do you feel about selling these?

What?

What's that?

What...

Is that what you've been working on?

Yeah.

What are you gonna put in there?

A couple dozen q-tips?

You can't even put a deck of cards in there.

I thought it'd be good to offer up
something different.

Who needs something like that?

A clock, on the other hand,
everyone needs a clock.

Somebody comes to your door asking,
"Am I early?" What's he going to do?

He's going to look at a box on the wall?

Of course not.

That's ridiculous.

The point is to make
something people need, idiot.

The ability you got.

The brains?

Don't hold your breath.

You have to ask the man upstairs
for help in that department.

Hmm. Say, this coffee's good.

Let's thank Jesus for giving us
the beans, shall we?

Go ahead. Bow your head.

- Now?
- Thank him.

Thank him.

Thank you, Lord.

Okay, let's get out of here.

Time's ticking.

Listen, you gotta charm these people.
You gotta actually talk to them.

They don't just throw money
at anything like they do where you're from.

Watch.

Excuse me, sir.

I'm sorry. Do you know what time it is?

- No.
- Well, I do.

It's time for you to buy a clock. That's right.

It's time for you to buy a clock made of jade
in the shape of Oregon.

That's exactly what time it is.

- Honey?
- I don't know.

Oh, just imagine that on your wall.

Yeah?

It looks heavy. It'll totally ruin the drywall.

- How much?
- 100 bucks.

Mmm, we can't do it.
Oh, these are kind of cute.

Don't you think Sandy would use
one of these for her jewelry?

How much for that?

- Uh...
- $25.

Twenty-five.

We'll take it.

Now if you'd like,
we can throw in a clock for 125.

- Uh, no, thank you.
- No. Just the box.

- We have clocks.
- Okay.

- You're quick.
- Thank you.

Here you go.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Thanks.

Excuse me, ma'am? Hey.

- Do you know what time it is?
- It's 9:15.

Thank you.

Any luck?

Hey. Oh, I didn't want to sell it to him,
but a stoner bought one of your boxes.

All money is the same money
in the eyes of the Lord, right?

That's right.

I think I'll save this one for myself.

- A keepsake.
- Good.

We don't want to overwhelm
people here with too many options.

Because you seem like
a good Christian woman to me,

I'm going to knock $10 off.

What am I, nuts? I must be.
That's practically giving them away.

But you know what, that's what you get
when you're an artist like me.

Come on. Come on.

- Mmm...
- How 'bout it?

I'm afraid it's a bit out of my price range.

What do you mean "out of your price range"?

What do you got
in the bag there?

Oh, this?

Beautiful, isn't it?

It's a stained glass tissue box.

- What're you going to do with that?
- I'm going to put tissues in it.

- Yeah, but it's ugly and useless.
- Jon.

Stop it. I know what I'm doing.

You need one of these.
You don't even realize that.

Mister, I've already got a clock.
Anything else here?

No. I've just got clocks.

Jon, should we start packing up?

Jon, what are you doing?

Let me tell you a little something.

I don't like being used.

You swish into town,

and you expect me to bend over backwards
and roll out the red carpet for you.

I don't know what you're talking about.

- Why? Because you're from New York?
- I'm from Connecticut.

Same thing to me, as far as I'm concerned.

I've gone and given you a skill.

I gave you the only thing I have.

You use it against me?

You know what?
There's a story I've been meaning to tell you,

but I didn't think I should, up until now.

Back in the war,

one day my squad was ambushed by a...

Oh, a couple of local fools.

There was five of us and four of them,
so it was nothing serious.

We took out the towelheads,

but not before one of them
shot one of our members in the gut.

He was bleeding out all over me.

Half of his intestines are...

Are coming out, and...

Nothing we could do for him.

I would have prayed with him,
but this was before I knew Christ,

so I didn't do shit for his soul.

And so I asked him, you know,

"Do you have any last requests?"

And he looked me right in the eye,

and he asked me if I could hold him.

That's what he said to me. He goes,

"Can you hold me?"

I had both my legs then,

and I used them to kick the shit out of him.

There are a lot of sick people
in this world, Samuel.

And you gotta watch out for them.

You're that way too, aren't you?

You're sick like that man, aren't you?

I'm as sick as they come.

God.

You used me. My tools, my patience,

and now you want me to pat you
on the head like you're a good little boy.

You know what? You're not a good boy.

You aren't even a good girl.

You're a user. You're a taker. You're a faggot.

Yeah.

Christians aren't users.

Christians aren't takers.

They certainly aren't faggots.

All right.

Here.

I'm keeping this for teaching fees
and for using my booth.

The rest of it you can use to get you
as far away from here as possible,

so I don't have to see your sorry ass again.

The God part I'm not charging you for.

- Are you serious?
- Serious as the Bible.

But where do I go?

The fuck I care.

There's a bus stop back that way.

Okay.

I'm just doing the Lord's work

I'm just doing the Lord's work

I'm just doing the Lord's work

I'm just doing

The Lord's work

I'm just doing the Lord's work

I'm just doing the Lord's...

I can't hear you.
I'm not gonna sing alone.

Now come on. You ready?

I'm just doing the Lord's work

I'm just doing the...

You gotta hit the high part.
That's the part you have to go for.

- Yeah.
- You gotta go...

I'm...

It's like a...