Original subtitles

Stephen, I've got some good news.

Am I in a coma after all?

Thank Christ for that.

Do feel free to switch off the machine.

I've talked to the police about what happened with the hedge-vodka.

Maybe just call it vodka.

No, the hedge-vodka.

The secret vodka you kept hidden in a hedge.

Do they need to know if I want to prosecute the guy?

Because I think I don't.

I was cross at the time, but it was quite cheap own-brand vodka,

and I think, on the whole, I'll just chalk it up to experience.

You do realise how serious what happened was, don't you?

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

I think on the whole I've decided not that serious.

It was just some vodka.

Let bygones be bygones.

They're not your bygones.

Of course they're my bygones.

I'm the one they went by.

No, the poor guy you made drink rinse aid, they're his bygones.

The vodka thief?

It's not stealing vodka if you find it in a hedge.

Oh, that's the new law, is it?

No, that's the very old law.

And another very old law is don't force joggers to drink rinse aid.

I would question the antiquity of that law.

He could very well have taken you to court.

So he's not then?

No. Thanks to some brilliant work by me,

he's agreed to let bygones be bygones.

Well, if you remember, that's exactly what I suggested.

OK, well, anyway, I just thought I'd deliver the message.

Wait, you're not going to have a drink, are you?

Look, we've established that I drink too much, but this is Britain.

We all drink too much.

And, do you know what? I'm good at drinking too much.

Even if I were an alcoholic... I think you...

..which I'm not, but if I were... You must...

..which I'm not, but if I were, I'd be such

a high-functioning one that it basically wouldn't matter.

You tried to poison a stranger.

Yes, when I was sober.

It literally would not have happened if I'd had a drink.

You need to take a look at your demons, Stephen.

I've just told you, I haven't got drink demons.

I've got loads of other demons though

and I promise I'll have a good look at those.

Fine, I'm going to go and get some bits from M&S for Mum and Dad.

Merlot, please, Jan.

Why is it so busy?

Puh-ub's had to close temporarily.

They discovered asbestos, so all their customers have come here.

They make a lot of silly fuss over asbestos.

My farm's full of it.

Ceilings, floor tiles, insulation, outbuildings.

I think I've been exposed to it so much, I'm immune to any ill effects.

So, so it's like you've been vaccinated with asbestos?

Yeah.

Suck on that, nanny state.

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So now what does it want me to do?

Well, when we don't know, what always helps?

Oh, the cog of knowledge.

The cog of knowledge.

The all-knowing cog.

Aha. Archive.

So where do I put it? Alison or garden?

Mm, that's not really a technical question, Wendy.

That's more philosophy.

Is it Alison in the garden, or is it the garden with Alison in it?

What's our focus?

Well, can't I put it in both?

I mean, you very much can put it in both.

The question is, are you ready to learn how to put it in both?

No. Wendy, come on.

Only 40 minutes ago you didn't know how to make it go big.

Oh. All right, then. That's the spirit.

Right, what we need to do is create keywords within folders.

No, no. No, I regret it already.

Oh, goddammit, woman, come on, pull yourself together.

You can do this.

Oh, hi Alison. Al.

Hello, sweetheart.

Andy's teaching me how to scan in all the old photos.

I can see.

I told you how to do that.

Yes, but... What?

But you didn't.

I did. I told you at Christmas.

No, I'm not saying you didn't say you would, I just mean you didn't.

I'm sorry if I've just been a tiny bit busy,

what with trying to move house and ending a long-term relationship.

No, I'm not blaming you, darling.

But Andrew offered and I thought...

Sorry, Alison. This is the TV aerial all over again, isn't it?

Have I crossed another line? No, not at all.

Our reception's never been clearer.

Is that me? Yes.

Mum, I'm topless.

Don't be ridiculous, darling. You're five.

It doesn't matter how old I am.

They're still the same nipples.

Don't be silly.

If it helps, I honestly haven't registered your nipples.

Stephen, thanks so much for taking in all our waifs and strays.

Bloody asbestos.

Looks like we're doing very well out of it, so...

Sorry things didn't work out with you and the job at our place.

Bygones?

I'm hearing that word a lot today.

We were wondering, Stephen,

would you guys be able to host our pub quiz tomorrow night?

Quiz? It's a rollover.

The jackpot's up to £800,

so all the regulars are keen for it to go ahead.

You guys could even put a team together.

A pub quiz?

Ah, a pub quiz.

A pub quiz? Oh.

But I'm thinking maybe this is the demon I can actually face.

The dreaded pub quiz.

I think I might be able to exorcise this demon.

Are we talking about an actual exorcism here?

Because I could definitely get us mate's rates.

One of the last things that Laurie did before he went

into the hospice was organise a pub quiz.

The jackpot question was about law.

Stephen buzzed prematurely.

My finger slipped. I, I panicked.

He got the answer wrong, so the other team automatically won.

Who were they again?

The Brights. The fucking Brights is who they were.

Laurie thought Stephen ought to have known the answer

because of all his legal training that Laurie paid for.

Not in America. It was a question about the US legal system.

Anyway, it all got a bit, uh, drastic.

Dad got angry, never forgave me, and then he died.

Classic.

Hi. Hey. You again.

Ah, it's nice to check in, even though

obviously I live independently now.

It's great. We love it.

Uh, you did check in this morning.

I know, but I just had a brilliant History of Art sesh.

We're looking at a late Rembrandt, The Two Moors.

That was the old word for what we would now call African Americans.

Did they have Americans then?

No. I mean, uh, Dutch Americans.

No, African...Dutchmen?

I think just Africans.

Right. Anyway, the wonderful thing is, is that Rembrandt paints them

as if they were just normal people.

Which they were. Are. Which they are and were.

But Rembrandt wouldn't have thought so.

That's my point. Except that he did. But he shouldn't have.

Shouldn't he? No.

Yes, he should, and he did, and that's my point,

and that's why it's my favourite.

Anyway, what's everyone else's news?

If I put a pub quiz team together, Cass,

would you want to be part of it?

You? Even after you..?

I know, but I've decided to clamber unsteadily

back onto that horse.

I might put my own team together.

My housemates. The gang.

Fair enough. How about you, Mum?

Oh, well, I will if you like, love, but I don't really know anything.

No, that's true.

Julian? How's your trivia knowledge?

Well, I'm no Professor Branestawm,

but what knowledge I do have is far from trivial.

It's the sure and certain knowledge that...

Jesus is magic. I know.

Never mind. That rarely comes up.

LAUGHTER

Then above that, we have the Great Bear.

Ursa Major.

Mum, what on earth do you think you're do... Dad!

Hey, pull up a pew.

Andrew's teaching me all about the stars.

What about the stars?

There's fucking loads of the bastards, what else do you need to know?

Well, what they're called, you know. What consellations they're in.

Co... Constellations, I mean.

What does Andrew know about that?

Oh, my word, everything.

He used to be an astronomer, didn't you know?

Not really. I dabbled.

Very junior position over at Goonhilly Down,

towards the end of the '90s.

Dad, do you really think you ought to be out in the garden

in the middle of the night? Oh, I'm fine. Fit as a flea.

It turns out, I've got a better resting heart rate than Andrew here.

I gave Phil a quick, not medical exactly, but checked a few vitals.

You know. I thought it'd be irresponsible not to

if we were going to be sat out.

Oh, isn't he lovely?

I think he must be the only chap I've ever met who's pure goodness.

No, I tell a lie, I did once bump into Tony Hart.

That's his whole thing though.

When you just say it out loud to people...

Archiving old photographs, stargazing.

Right, it sounds perfectly normal.

And nice.

Maybe it is normal and nice.

Do you believe that?

No.

This is new.

I thought it was just me he wanted to inject his venom into.

Maybe he's expanding his client list.

Maybe he sees me as part of you because we used to be married.

Happily married.

That shouldn't be how it works though.

Batman has other villains.

Joker doesn't have other Batmen.

Did you just instinctively pluralise Batman?

I'm not a savage.

So, Geoff, you're in for the quiz, right?

Sure. I'm good on popular culture, up until about 1998.

Or 2002 even.

When was Chris Tarrant around? Then.

I'm good at that.

Right. We need a bit more heft if we're going to beat the Brights.

Sorry, who are the Brights? Oh, they're the worst.

They're sort of pub quiz asset strippers.

Like that gang in the Wild West that went around

stealing everyone's money.

The James Gang? See, I don't know.

But the Brights would.

I don't know what I'm talking about,

but they'd know exactly what I was talking about.

They've got one of those creepy kids who can recite pi for days.

And a triple Mastermind semifinalist,

which is more impressive than it sounds.

And it sounds impressive.

Oh, her? Mary? Yes, she's class, she really is.

She could've been on Eggheads, but it's who you know with that crowd.

Anyway, as soon as there's a decent prize anywhere west of Reading,

they swoop in like brainy locusts and hoover it up.

Basically, they're my nemeses.

I thought Andrew was your nemesis?

Well, he's one of them, and they're another.

You can't have more than one nemesis. You can have as many as you like. Look at Batman.

He's got the Joker, the cat lady, Danny De Vito,

one that's like the Joker but green.

I should know these, they might come up.

Could Andrew join you maybe? Oh, he's very clever.

Oh, yes. Razor-sharp mind.

Sagacious, forensic, galaxy brain.

He could help you beat the Brights, Stephen.

He could defeat your demons.

In this situation, I think Andrew might be the Exorcist.

This needs to be an efficient, focused strike, like Hatton Garden.

In, do the business, out.

Wallop, cushty.

Didn't they all go to prison?

I know how much this means to you, Stephen.

To your mental wellbeing.

I'm sure you do.

So let's get your thinking heads on and win this.

Just wanted to wish everyone good luck.

It doesn't matter if you fail, you can't know everything.

And sometimes you need to hit rock bottom before things begin to

look up.

Is this a pep talk?

It was meant to be, but I should have rehearsed it.

Ooh.

Don't think I've been in a pub since the split with Becca.

We can leave whenever you like. Thanks.

I'm...I'm fine at the moment. I'm feeling supported. Mm.

Feeling pretty safe, actually.

What's your specialist subject, quiz-wise?

I guess, uh, serial killers?

Quiz Akabusi. Quiz Evans.

Quiz Quizstofferson.

Geoff, the team name doesn't have to be a Chris-Quiz pun.

Of course it does. They always are.

It's hilarious. Oh, Quiztopher Columbus.

Quiz Sturrock. Who's Chris Sturrock again? Is he a cricketer?

No, that's thin bloke who does my silage.

Oh, Let's Get Quizzical. Uh, Quizzywig.

Uh, the Quizzard of Oz.

The...Quizzard of Quoz.

Geoff.

Look, to be clear, I am going to keep doing these until you pick one.

No, Geoff, look.

The Bright's. The fucking Bright's.

Is that Mary Ryan? Isn't she the quizzing legend?

We can beat them.

We can. Even with Mary Ryan.

Do you have a plan?

Well, no, I...I was just expressing it as, as a hope and a want.

Well, I hope and want to get one more erection before I die,

but it's unlikely, unless they hang me.

Don't worry. I'm going to do everything I can

to win this quiz, Stephen.

Everything.

Jan, next question, if you please.

Mike, I thank you kindly.

The next question is as follows.

The smallest city in Britain is also the windiest city.

MIKE BLOWS

What is it?

I know. Give me the pen.

Give me the pen. You'll never get the pen, Geoff.

WHISPERS: Chicago...

Chicago. Chicago? Shh!

You think the smallest city in Britain is Chicago?

What? No, it's the Windy City.

That's what they call it. That's only a third of the question.

No time for maths now, Professor Yaffle.

This is geography.

And that's a very respectable half-time

score for the Team Tagine guys.

And Denser than Mensa are doing very well indeed.

But way, way out front with 24 out of 25 points,

it's The Bright's.

Bright by name.

Yes, they are.

Oh, well. We're fucked.

Should we call it a night? No sense humiliating ourselves.

I wonder which one they got wrong.

I can't imagine.

Maybe there was a question about having a girlfriend.

I think two of them are married. And one's just a kid.

Yes, yes, all right.

And also, do you have a g...? I said all right!

Yeah.

How old do you reckon that Bright's kid is?

Does he even have an age?

Think they grow those brainiacs in pods at Mensa.

I only ask because I hope he's not

too young to be doing the quiz.

What do you mean? Accompanied kids are fine to be in pubs.

It's just under-16s can't take part in gambling.

And this stick-or-twist ending with money at stake,

does that technically make it gambling?

So we...we...we could get baby Einstein thrown out?

Don't know.

Could we?

Go and tell Bryony. No.

I wouldn't like to do that. It's not really on, is it?

Why did you mention it then?

Just thought it was interesting.

You want me to do the dirty work?

No. I don't think anyone should do it.

I think it's great the kids get to play.

Are you going to stop me?

Stephen, I've made my position on this very clear.

I can't go any further than that.

Thanks.

Well, I did it.

Great.

But now I feel bad for them.

You live by the quiz rules, you die by the quiz rules.

Yeah, but they weren't really cheating.

It's just...

..I think I'd like to help them. Sorry.

Hi, sorry, excuse me.

Um, my name's Andrew and I am,

well, I'm from that team over there.

Oh, are you?

I know, and I just wanted to say, we are so sorry.

He's the team captain.

He's just such a stickler.

Yeah, well it's a bit late for apologies now.

I know, I know, and that's why I thought the least I could do,

if you'll have me,

is defect to your team for the second half of the quiz.

What's Andrew doing? He's defected.

He's joined the Bright's cos he knows they're going to win.

No. He's up to something clever.

"I'm going to do everything I can to win this quiz, Stephen."

He's a traitor.

BOTH: Quiz, quiz-a, quiz, quiz, quiz-a, quiz, quiz, quizzity quiz. ♪

Yeah! That's right, Mike.

Let's get back to the quiz.

Here's Mike.

Thanks, Jan. Question seven.

Which Italian statesman did AJP Taylor describe as the only

wholly admirable figure in modern history?

Yeah, I think... I already know what you're going to say, Geoff,

and I'd really love it if you didn't say it.

Right, but... It's not Mussolini.

He made the trains run on time.

He didn't. And even if he did,

that doesn't make him wholly admirable.

I'm not saying I think that.

I'm just saying this AJ bloke might.

We don't know who he is, do we?

Maybe he's a massive Nazi.

I'll write that, then, shall I? Yeah. I think so.

So, we're sure, are we? That it's Mussolini?

No, not really.

But I don't know any other Italian statesmen.

Do you? No.

Mary would know.

But she's not coming back.

Mary and Lee, they're the Bright's, really.

We're very much the, uh, backing singers.

THEY LAUGH Right.

I don't think we've won.

Sorry I wasn't much use.

You were fine.

I really thought I'd know the picture round, but I'm not so sure.

Yeah. I do think it was Robin Williams in Good Will Hunting.

And not Harold Shipman.

Yeah. I think you're right.

The final scores please, Jan.

In third place, with 44 points, it's Sir Quiz Hoy.

APPLAUSE

And in second place, with 48 points,

Denser than Mensa.

And in first place, this is very exciting,

we have a tie.

ALL: Ooh.

Indeed.

With 52 points each,

it's The Bright's and, coming up very strongly in the second half,

QuizTeam Aguilera.

Yeah.

APPLAUSE

Would the team captains join us up here, please?

Good luck, Stephen. Don't stuff it up this time.

What do you think? Do you want to do it or, shall I?

It's fine to fail.

Shall we toss for it? It's OK, guys. I've got this.

Your buzzers, gentlemen.

Use them wisely.

It's time for the tie-break jackpot question.

Ooh.

OK, so first to buzz gets to answer.

But if you get it wrong, the other team automatically wins.

Ready?

HE CLEARS THROAT

Yes, OK.

Ready. Ready.

OK. £850 up for grabs,

and it's an astronomy question.

So, here we go.

By what name is the star Sirius

more commonly known?

Either of you? Sirius?

Don't you know, Stephen?

Yes, I know.

I absolutely know. 100%.

Do you? Of course.

So why aren't you buzzing? Why aren't you?

I know how much this means to you.

I can live with you getting in first,

but I couldn't bear to buzz

and get it wrong and give victory to you and the fucking Bright's.

But you do know the answer, don't you?

I am as certain of it as I am of my own name.

We're going to have to hurry you, aren't we, Mike?

Hurry up. See? It's got to be worth a guess.

BUZZER RINGS

The answer is, of course...

..the Pole Star.

ALL: Aww.

No, it's not.

I'm afraid that's the wrong answer, Andrew.

Bad luck. That's right. It's wrong.

And so tonight's worthy winners are Stephen Nichols

and QuizTeam Aguilera.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The correct answer was, of course... Dog Star.

Sirius is the Dog Star. Correct.

Yeah. What were you playing at, laughing boy?

What was the big idea?

I can't believe you didn't get the answer to that question.

Even I basically knew that one, more or less.

Not my night, hey?

Not your night. My night.

Didn't you tell my dad you worked as an astronomer?

I didn't say astronomer.

I think you did. You said exactly that.

And yet you thought Sirius was the Pole Star?

You took a dive.

So Stephen could exorcise his quiz demons.

What a guy. No, he didn't. He just didn't know.

Andrew, tell them.

Tell them you genuinely didn't know.

Stephen's absolutely right.

I just had one of those weird blanks.

Couldn't for the life of me remember the name of Sirius.

THEY LAUGH

I wasn't expecting that.

Well done, mate.

You won fair and square.

Hope it helped.

♪ Everyone's a winner, baby, that's the truth

♪ That's the truth

♪ Making love to you is such a thrill

♪ Everyone's a winner, baby, that's no lie

♪ That's no lie

♪ You never fail to satisfy

♪ Satisfy... ♪

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