Original subtitles

(REGULAR THUDDING)

(GLASS CLINKING)

79, 80, 80-jump, 82,

83, 84, 85, 86...

(SIGHING)

(PANTING)

(JEFF GRUNTING)

Come on, Harper!

Come on, Yale.

♪ Jimmy crack corn, and I don't care

♪ Jimmy crack corn, and I don't care

♪ My master's gone away ♪

JEFF: Take that, my good man.

Oh, you are fast, Muhammad Ali.

You're fast, all right.

Ooh!

Rabbit punch!

Jesus, ref, are you blind?

You're a credit to your race.

MALE NEWSREADER: ...damage estimated in the millions.

It's the third such outbreak in this area this month,

and reflects the unrest that has plagued the area

since early last year, when similar conflagrations

arose all across the country.

- Morning, troops. - Many attribute the action to...

- Hello, sweetheart. -...a predictable seasonal unemployment.

- Hey, Burton. - The Governor pointed out that,

should another such incident occur,

he would be compelled to ask

for special Federal riot troops,

an action that no-one wants, least of all the White House,

which has been hopeful that such disturbances were over,

at least for the time being.

That's got to be the smallest screen in the world.

They look like ants.

They're getting very dangerous.

A screen that size ought to only have 15-minute shows.

(CHUCKLING)

Get it? Small screen, small shows.

You said that yesterday.

You didn't get it yesterday, either.

It wasn't funny yesterday, any more than it'll be funny tomorrow.

Critics everywhere.

Aren't you concerned with the civil rights issue?

Yeah, sure.

Most people are just crazy. They think that, at any moment,

a Negro's gonna hit 'em over the head with a watermelon,

and steal their high school ring.

I think white people have to show greater interest and understanding.

- How else... - Look, Althea...

Your bus'll be coming by soon.

I like to give 'em a head start. Makes a contest out of it.

It is now post time!

Thank you, my dear.

Off to another smash week in the insurance game.

I want you to know that I feel

I'm leading a boring life.

I am so advised.

You were so advised yesterday.

It wasn't funny yesterday, either.

- Don't kiss me. - I wasn't gonna kiss you.

It's just that my shorts are too tight, that's all.

Mommy, can we watch Daddy run out the door?

- No, you may not. - Oh, boy.

There goes your stupid bus.

Doesn't stand a chance.

PASSENGER: There he is!

The son of a bitch!

Step on it, you got him by fifty yards!

Sorry, folks, I got to make a stop at this corner.

PASSENGER #2: Have your exact change ready, folks.

(ALL YELLING)

Come on!

(PASSENGERS CHEERING)

PASSENGER: Hurry up! Hurry up!

(PASSENGERS GROANING)

PASSENGER: Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

(PASSENGERS CHEERING)

(PASSENGERS CHANTING) Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

(PASSENGERS CHEERING)

(PASSENGERS CHATTERING)

PASSENGERS: Oh, shit!

(SIGHING)

Winner, and still undefeated, folks!

Pay some respectful homage, please.

Some applause, please?

-(WOMAN CLAPPING ALONE) -(CHUCKLING)

Shows you have good taste, lady.

Fare, please.

JEFF: Arrogant, arrogant. they're all arrogant!

In the good old days, back in the old South,

you'd have to drive from back here!

(LAUGHING)

- Get it? Back of the bus? - Why don't you take

all the money you save racing this bus, and race a cab?

JEFF: That is very funny.

(LAUGHING) Hey, driver, you hear that?

I'm only good for

short distances.

Hundred yards, maybe.

But over a long haul,

they just don't have it in 'em.

♪ Camptown race track five miles long

♪ Doo-dah

♪ Doo-dah

♪ Camptown race track five miles long... ♪

JEFF: See you tomorrow, fans! Same time, same station.

Yeah, not such a big shot when it rains, are ya?

When it rains, you ride.

No, no, when it rains, it pours! (CHUCKLING)

(HUMMING)

(SIGHING)

(SNAPPING FINGERS) Come on, Joe.

Hey, Joe, come on, come on, come on!

Mornin', Mr Gerber.

Ah, mornin', Joe. How goes it?

Oh, okay.

Any rioting in the neighbourhood last night?

Er... I don't see any broken windows.

(CHUCKLING)

What's the matter? This place ain't good enough to... to loot?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Oh, Mr Gerber!

The usual, Mr Gerber?

Oh, yes! Ah, but make mine a double.

I'm feeling a bit under par this morning, hmm?

One double Polynesian health juice comin' up!

(LAUGHING)

Hey, er... no offence about that, er... that looting remark, you know?

Oh, no, Mr Gerber.

I know you don't go for that sort of thing.

No, okay.

And, of course, if you did,

it would be very hard for the police to identify you.

I mean, an hour later,

all you cats look alike!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

All us guys look ali... Oh, Mr Gerber!

Here's to your health!

-(PHONE RINGING) - Oh, 'scuse me, Mr Gerber.

Hello? No, goodbye!

Hey, Joe,

there's an extra nickel in there for you.

- Oh, thank you, Mr Gerber. - Tip.

- Thank you, Mr Gerber. - Forget it.

Okay, buddy, this is a hijack.

Take this elevator to Harlem.

(GUFFAWING)

Hey, how'd you do on the poker game, Andy?

Er, er... okay. Fine.

Hey, er... when are you and Dotty

comin' over to the house to try out my new barbecue?

Oh, er... soon, soon. R... Real soon.

Five Saturdays in a row I asked you.

I'm beginnin' to think y'all don't like us.

Don't be silly, it's... it's just that, er...

Okay. Then we'll expect you next Saturday at five o'clock,

and no more excuses about the children being sick.

ANDY: Well, actually, er... Dotty hasn't been feeling well.

Get her cured by the weekend.

Sluts, sluts, all of you, sluts!

Next thing you know, you'll be smoking cigarettes.

Hello, there, Erica,

you gorgeous hunk of Sweden.

ERICA: Norvay.

Norvay, Sveden, what difference does it make,

as long as you're a blonde?

-(HONKING SOUND) - Are you?

Just curious. I mean, how many girls

are really blonde all the way?

Collars and cuffs? (GIGGLING)

Excuse me, Mr Gerber,

but I must get back to my desk.

A dollar if you walk fast and stop short.

Two dollars if you trot. Five dollars if you run.

And ten dollars if you're really a blonde.

(GIGGLING)

Gerber! In here.

Yassuh, Mr Townsend.

And fifty dollars if you're a fella!

(IRISH ACCENT) Ah, the top of the morning to you, Mr Townsend,

and how are ya?

Gerber, sit down and stop being so damn happy.

- It's depressing. - Yes, sir.

Gerber, I am not going to mince words.

You have turned in a very disappointing month.

Well, I must say I agree with you.

But, considering the time of year...

Look, I'm just pointing out it's a sub-productive month.

- I'm not asking why. - It's income tax time.

And, though people die, they seldom buy.

Gerber, look, I may as well come right out and say this.

It's time somebody told you...

I've got bad breath. Bad breath.

You got something much worse than that.

Offensive perspiration? Midriff bulge? Er...

Dingy dentures? Asiatic crud!

There! That's exactly that kind of a remark.

You, Gerber, are a smartass.

A number one, king-size smartass!

I'm the best salesman in this office.

You were.

But your rate of new policies is dropping.

Here, I've been going about

particularly trying to sell policies

only to younger men

who can live longer, and pay premiums longer,

and you don't appreciate it.

Anybody can sell a policy to a 90-year-old man

with a cough and the shingles.

Listen to me, Gerber, your customers curl up their toes

at the same rate as all of our other customers.

Yeah, well, of course, if 23 of my customers

go down in a sailing boat accident,

that's bound to raise the mortality rate!

What sailing boat?

- Er... in the squall. - What squall?

Oh, no, no, it was the train. The train.

Thirty-three of them went right off the trestle.

- What train? - Er...

w-would you believe a-a tidal wave in Kansas City?

A-a-a volcano in Poughkeepsie?

Er... mass suicides in Fire Island.

- Gerber! - Okay, Mr...

Mr Townsend,

about your breath... (GIGGLING)

(CHUCKLING)

Hey, look, make it easier on yourself.

Home, office? Your house.

Okay, then. Tuesday?

Five-thirty. Very good.

Good show. See you then, John.

(CHUCKLING)

Six outta six. The kid does tricks.

(HUMMING)

Clark Dunwoodie, please.

Oh, hi. Hey, Clark.

Jeff Gerber, Superior Standard Life.

Hey, how about that lunch I've been promising you, huh?

Good show.

Anytime you say.

(RUNNING FOOTSTEPS)

MALE NEWSREADER: Local black leaders doing their utmost

to keep their pledge to the Mayor.

The police are ready if violence suddenly erupts...

(SIGHING)

What are you trying to prove with all that running?

Don't bug me, Althea, I had a traumatic day.

Thirteen appointments out of fifteen calls.

(CHUCKLING)

Is that all you watch?

Race riots? What are you, perverse?

- It's an important problem. - NEWSREADER: ...it was announced that,

should a request be made for federal intervention,

army units would be immediately made available...

-(SWITCHES TV OFF) - I was watching!

I'm gonna have my dinner

without watching a bunch of uppity darkies

jigging up and down on my TV screen.

Why are you so hateful?

I'm not hateful, and don't start telling me

I have a personality problem.

I said no such thing.

I merely tried to point out that there is an issue

in this country today that has to do with

the equal rights of man.

What kind of dinner is this, huh?

Eskimos chew on blubber.

There's your old persecution complex.

Whenever you're hurt, attack.

Well, that's what this is all about.

(TURNS TV BACK ON)

ALTHEA: I don't want you staying up too late, Burton.

You should've done that this afternoon.

Go to sleep, dear.

Maybe tomorrow morning I'll let you watch

your father run out of the house.

BURTON: Why can't he walk like everybody else?

Perhaps he's afraid somebody will catch him.

Kids at school laugh at him.

They call me "Son of Speedy".

Why does Daddy race buses, Mommy?

Nobody seems to know, dear.

Is it like some people save stamps?

ALTHEA: Yes, exactly.

Some people save stamps, some make model airplanes,

some drink, some smoke pot.

Well, your father races buses.

If he smoked pot, he'd get there faster.

Good night, children.

JEFF: Our house is worth $37,000 on the open market.

ALTHEA: Mmm, that's nice.

JEFF: That's 17 per cent more than we paid for it.

- ALTHEA: Mmm, you need a haircut. - JEFF: Oh.

Are we gonna get ready for bed early tonight? It's Wednesday.

- JEFF: Wednesday? - ALTHEA: Mm-hmm.

JEFF: It's Monday.

- ALTHEA: Let's pretend it's Wednesday. - JEFF: (SIGHING)

ALTHEA: Forget it.

I'm going to bed.

You'll know where to find me.

Yes.

(PANTING)

(BUZZING)

How come you're not watching the riots?

Haven't started yet.

What's the movie?

I don't know.

What's the commercial?

I don't know.

Keep yourself pretty well-informed, don't you?

I think we have to face up to something.

- Oh, look. Don't start. - You can't stand the sight of me.

- I can so. - You can't stand to touch me.

Wrong again.

There's no passion in our life.

There's plenty of passion in our life.

(SIGHING)

Let's pretend it's Wednesday.

Huh?

- Look, sweetie, I've had a hard day. - I know you're tired, but...

At least let me wake up on your side of the bed

like we used to, Thursday mornings.

(SIGHING)

As soon as Janice was born, we stopped going to bed.

Now, that's an exaggeration.

We can't afford more than two children.

Unless we have six at one time.

That way, everything's free.

And we can give them all away, except the spotted one.

We can make love without having children, you know.

There are methods, there are devices.

They're not foolproof.

They are if you use them all at the same time.

I'm not making love to any heavy tank.

I've still got some good years left, Jeff.

Oh, Jesus.

I take something,

and I wear something,

and I keep count, and if you...

-(SNORING) - Jeff!

Jeff.

(SIGHING)

MAN ON TV: We were so right to come here, dearest.

- To get away. -(SEAGULLS CRYING)

WOMAN: Yes, Ralph, I know.

It's lovely.

RALPH: Being with you, Sylvia.

SYLVIA: Being with you, Ralph.

NEWSREADER: ...it marks the first time

federalised troops have been used in this city.

Black leaders have warned that should such a situation...

-(CLICKING TV REMOTE) -(HEART BEATING LOUDLY)

(SCREAMING)

How... now...

brown... cow.

(GROANING)

(PANTING)

It's a nightmare.

That's what it is, old buddy. A nightmare.

Must be something you ate.

That's right, something you ate.

(LAUGHING)

Put up your hands!

Give me your high school ring!

A nightmare.

Or too much sun lamp.

Boy, what a great sun lamp.

(MOANING)

(WHISPERING) Althea.

I'm having a nightmare about my sun lamp.

So don't wake up,

and try and talk me out of it.

It's just a little nightmare

about a great sun lamp.

I'm going back to bed now,

and I know that when I wake up again in the morning,

my skin'll be lovely and white.

So just stay asleep, Althea.

Because as long as you're asleep,

it's a nightmare.

But if you wake up,

and begin screaming,

it won't be a nightmare anymore.

(VOICE BREAKING) And I don't want that to happen.

So just stay asleep, Althea.

As long as you're asleep, it's a nightmare.

And all night long, it'll be a nightmare.

It's a nightmare.

It's a nightmare.

(OUT LOUD) It's not a nightmare!

Sure is an even tan.

What a great sun lamp!

(CHUCKLING)

What a great nightmare about a great sun lamp.

That's an old wives' tale.

(CLATTERING)

(SHOWER RUNNING)

Daddy?

Mommy says I can watch you run out of the house today.

- Dad, you in the shower? - JEFF: Yes!

I'm having a nightmare.

Can we watch you run out of the house?

Er... no, sweetheart, I... I won't be going to work today.

I'm not feeling well.

But Mommy said!

Dad, whole house is getting steamed up.

So's your old man.

- Listen, Burton? - Yeah?

Tell your mother to get you both off to school,

and then come in here.

You mean you won't be racing the bus today?

Don't ever bring up the race issue again.

(DOOR CLOSING)

JEFF: Oh, Lord, I've never been a religious man.

I won't try to kid you about that.

I don't go to church, and I only pray

when I'm feeling scared or rotten.

I meant to pray last night.

Perhaps you're angry because I didn't.

Anyway, Lord, I'm in trouble now,

which is why I'm trying to make contact.

Please, Lord, make it all be a terrific nightmare,

and will you see a nice person come out of this shower?

I want you to know that I am a true believer.

There are no atheists in this shower.

I'm prayin' now, Lord. Do you hear me?

If you hear me, don't say or do anything.

Good. Okay, Lord,

I'm comin' out now,

and I wouldn't care if I gained 20 pounds,

as long as I'm white.

Here I come, Lord.

(SCREAMING)

Jeff, Jeff, Jeff, there's a Negro in your shower!

JEFF: It is not a Negro!

ALTHEA: Yes, yes, yes, it is, it is.

I saw him. Call the police, he'll kill us.

JEFF: I am not a Negro. I'm me.

ALTHEA: If this is another one of your jokes...

JEFF: Now look, Althea,

I'm coming out of the shower again

and I want no screaming, you hear?

Now, there's a logical answer to this,

but we'll never find out

if I dry up into a prune in this shower.

Now, I'm coming out again, you hear? Okay?

Yes. Okay.

JEFF: Now, hand me a towel.

All right. Here I come,

ready or not.

Open your eyes, Althea, I need a friendly opinion.

(SCREAMING)

Did you have to give me a white towel, you simp?

Boy, you sure have a warped sense of humour, baby.

Oh, my God! Oh, my good God!

Oh, shut up! There is no God.

He don't give a damn.

You... You look like a Negro.

I know what I look like. Shut up!

I mean a dark one. I mean...

I mean, if I didn't know you...

Will you shut up, Althea?

Oh, oh, should I hide the money?

Oh, you are hilarious.

(STAMMERING)

How do you know you're you?

That's the dumbest thing you've ever said.

Of course I know it's me.

I can tell from my bridge work. Look. See? Huh? Huh?

Your teeth are very white.

That's the contrast.

And your hair.

My hair's always been naturally curly.

Wh... What about your birthmarks?

I can't find them anymore.

Maybe I've been overdoing the sun lamp a bit.

A bit! If you spent as much time in bed

as you do under that sun lamp,

maybe we would have more children.

This is no time to discuss additional children.

No, I should say not. What would the neighbours think?

A lot of half-coloured kids running around!

- I am not coloured! - Well, that's your story.

When's the last time you looked in the mirror?

It's the sun lamp, isn't it?

Because you wouldn't be teasing me like that

if it wasn't the sun lamp,

-'cause you're not a cruel person. -(SCREAMING)

- Don't you touch me! - Oh, boy, you are a treat.

You're something to have around in an emergency.

You know... you know, it's very strange.

My mother always thought you were a little on the dark side.

I mean, she never came right out and asked me.

Your mother is in no position to judge other people's races.

The way her eyes slant up, my mother always thought she was Chinese.

- Silliest thing I ever heard. - Oh, yeah?

Well, then, how come her feet are so small?

And how come, whenever you asked her when she was born,

she always says "the Year of the Dragon"?

And how come she was always so anxious to...

to wash my shirts?

Does that sound like a white woman to you, huh?

My mother has almond-shaped eyes.

So has Mao Tse-tung. And she eats too damn much rice.

If you ask me, she's a member of the Red Guard.

All right, Jeff, all right,

but it isn't a Chinese issue we are discussing.

We're discussing a Negro issue.

- It's a sun lamp issue! - Well, that may very well be,

but you certainly can't go to the office like that.

Oh, my God, what time is it?

Gladys is in the office now.

That is the first thing. I gotta report in sick.

You can't tell her that you woke up sunburned.

Sometime, Althea, sometime...

Look, I won't be coming in today.

Well, I'm, er... feeling a bit off colour.

(CHUCKLING)

Anyway, um... Gladys,

Er... look, just cancel all my appointments for the day, okay?

Tell 'em I'll call 'em tomorrow, okay?

Okay. Thank you.

The trick is to be logical and rational.

I got a warranty around here for that sun lamp.

Let's see, logical and rational, yeah.

You really think it's the sun lamp, don't you?

Oh, you'd like me to be coloured, wouldn't you?

Well, not really. but it would serve you right

with that attitude of white supremacy.

Well, I didn't see you exactly runnin' over to hug and kiss me

when you thought I was a Negro.

I was upset because I thought you were a stranger.

Oh, beans! If it was a white stranger

came out of that shower, you'da humped him.

Ah, here it is.

They're a reputable company.

I'm sure this has happened before.

ALTHEA: Yeah, all over Africa.

Oh, just keep it up, baby. Just keep it up.

(DIALLING)

Hello, I'd like to speak to somebody with regard to

your sun lamp model LT34X.

Oh, it's working, all right.

A little bit too well. Ah, thank you.

They're switching me to the manager.

Hello, my name is Gerber.

I've got one of your model LT34X sun lamps.

Er... serial number 36677231.

Ah, yeah. Well, the problem is...

That's an old wives' tale. Excuse me.

Er... the problem is, er... it's made me rather dark.

Whew!

Well, a little darker than was necessary.

Ah, yes, once in the morning, and, er... once at night.

Yes, I... I use a lotion.

Well, it's kind of my own concoction.

Baby oil, cocoa butter, iodine, and soy sauce.

(CHUCKLING)

About one third soy sauce.

Well, of course you never heard of it.

It's my own formula. (LAUGHING)

Look, you don't seem to understand.

It's left me very tan.

Yes, very.

Dark.

Very dark.

Yes, very.

You stupid...!

No, it's not a joke.

I am not Sid Percival pulling your leg.

42, Tangerine Lane, and I'm a dissatisfied customer.

Hello? Hello? Hello?

Can you beat that?

They want to send me a new sun lamp.

ALTHEA: That's very sporting of them.

What the hell am I going to do with a new sun lamp?

Well, maybe you could mate them.

You're just having a dandy time, boy.

Oh, relax, Jeff.

Althea,

you wouldn't hug me unless you really thought I was white, right?

Oh, poor baby, Don't worry.

You'll be white again.

- Hey, wait a minute. - What is it?

There are things that we can do.

I mean, what do they do when they want to look white?

They must use salves and creams.

And hair straighteners.

I don't want my hair straightened,

I want my skin straightened!

What the hell else are we talkin' about?

Where are you going?

To one of their drugstores. Call me a cab.

Your cab's here.

What are you doing?

The door's not open on the cab.

Go on out there and open the door on the cab.

(EXCLAIMS)

Go on!

(KNOCKING)

(CAB DOOR CLOSING)

Take me to the coloured section.

Nice neighbourhood. What do you do there?

Mow the lawn?

What do they pay you?

I get to sleep with the lady of the house.

Would you put your hands down?

All I want is a pair of sunglasses. Now, look,

I got a skin problem.

What's this, and this? Get me a paper bag.

No, better yet, get me a box, A box, big box.

There you go. All right, let's see now.

Uh-huh, white, yeah.

Okay, give me some of these. Yeah. Pearl Sheen.

Uh-huh, all right. Now, let's see, now.

Ah, try some of this white folk stuff here.

Now, let's see here, that's good.

"Beautiful Bleach." That probably is great.

"Miracle Wash."

Hair straightener. That'll help.

More processing stuff, there.

All right.

You remember, if anybody asks you if you ever saw me in here,

you never laid eyes on me. Okay?

Mum's the word.

Any change?

No.

But I don't imagine it would be immediate.

I mean, I don't think any intelligent Negro

expects it to be immediate. Don't be so militant.

It's different. I'm not militant, I'm white.

I expect it to be immediate.

We've rubbed in four different brands.

Don't you think we ought to stop?

Well, come on, put on some more hair straightener. Come on. Here.

Jeff, I... I don't want you to get all excited, but...

I do think you're a little lighter.

It's hard to tell through the cream, but...

Yeah, I think you're right.

Around the neck here, right?

Especially around the neck.

- Uh-huh, and around the chin? - Yes, the chin, too.

- And around the nose, mmm? - Yes.

You're lying to me, Althea!

Don't lie to me, Althea. Just don't lie to me.

Oh, this is crazy. I don't want to be this colour.

What are you doing up there?

Calm down.

Oh, I'll yell all I want. He can't hear me.

He's the white man's god.

Jeff, you are not a Negro.

Oh, my goodness, I'm getting darker. I can see it.

Come on. Get all this crap off me.

Come on, quick. Oh, my God, I need more.

Oh, come on, I'm getting darker.

Jeff, calm down.

I can't take a... I can't take a shower,

'cause if I take a shower, my body'll shrink,

and the skin I have won't fit. Aaah!

Will you calm down? The children will be coming home from school soon,

and I don't want you getting them upset.

Upset? Wait until they find out they have a coloured daddy.

Huh? Wait till I get down my knee and I sing "Mammy".

You're gonna talk yourself into it, Jeff.

Oh, my goodness, th-th-these creams don't work.

No wonder Negroes riot.

I mean, these are worthless hoaxes.

JEFF: Hi.

Hi.

I'm your father.

Sure. Hi, Dad.

JANICE: Hi, Dad.

Um...

don't you have anything you want to say to me?

Your face is dirty.

That's a nice thing to say to your father.

Sure is a heck of a tan you got, Dad.

You look like a coloured man.

That's very good. Thank you, Burton.

We could use you at the UN.

Come on, kids. I'll get your dinner ready.

BURTON: What are we having?

Oh, black-eyed peas, hominy grits, corn bread, ham hocks.

BURTON: What's with him?

Didn't get to race his bus this morning. He's a little upset.

Why are you doing that, Daddy?

Doing what, sweetheart?

- Racing buses. - ALTHEA: Come on, Janice.

You don't want your ham hocks to get cold.

In here, or in the dining room?

What is it?

I gotta see.

Maybe it's the lighting in here.

Maybe in the daylight, I'll look less coloured.

What are you going to do?

I'm gonna go for a walk.

Where to?

In our backyard.

How brave of you.

Well, you're certainly getting whiter whites these days.

Aren't you, Mrs Johnson?

MRS JOHNSON: Oh, yes, I'm using a new detergent.

Well, I wish you'd tell my wife the brand,

because we have a few things around our house

that really need whitening.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Jeff, are you all right?

Yeah.

You're hardly breathing.

I don't want to ruin it.

You look like a birthday cake.

Well, it's getting very late.

Can't you at least lie down in bed?

JEFF: No, I'm afraid I'll roll over and destroy the mould.

ALTHEA: Oh, all right.

- Althea? - Yes?

My last words:

"Pray for me."

(COCKEREL CROWING)

Jeff? Jeff, are you asleep?

My God, you've set!

Jeff, Jeff, are you breathing?

(JEFF PANTING)

How to do this?

I'll try not to hurt you.

Oh, baby, I'm sorry about that.

Jeff, can you speak? How do you feel?

- Can you speak? - Like a broken leg.

Oh, thank God you're all right.

My God, it's going to strangle me.

I'll have you out in a jiffy.

(JEFF GROANING)

(GRUNTING)

Be careful with that chisel.

Careful with that chisel, I've got enough dimples.

(GROANING)

I think I'm getting the hang of it now.

What colour am I?

Er... well, er...

Er... I'll have to open the blinds.

Wait a moment, do it gradually.

Remove a little around the ears.

All righty.

What colour am I?

Er... did you drink any more milk?

Yeah, I had another quart,

and then my hand was paralysed.

Oh, poor thing. You know, if we'd only known,

I could've rigged you up a tube or something.

What colour am I, Althea?

Well, er... let's see.

Tell me the truth, but tell me I'm white, Althea.

You're white.

Oh, God.

Dark white.

What?

Well, I'm sure you're white,

but you're a little on the dark side.

Wait a moment. Get me to a mirror!

(SCREAMING)

I'm black! I'm black!

I'm black!

I'm black!

I'm a nigger!

I'm a nigger!

Jeff, you'll have a stroke!

I don't want a stroke. I want appendicitis.

I want to throw myself under a bridge, out of a window.

(INDECIPHERABLE SHOUTING)

Althea, I want my whiteness back!

Oh!

Where's that schmucky white knight on that schmucky white horse?

Stick me! Stick me! Turn me white. Rinso-white!

- Rinso-white! - Jeff, the neighbours!

The neighbours, the neighbours, the neighbours!

The neighbours'll crap when they see me!

There goes the neighbourhood! There it goes, boys!

Jeff, stop that!

I'm black!

I'm black!

(SHUDDERING SIGH)

Oh, milk.

Oh, cleanse me, O great milk.

Ah!

Oh, clean me, great milk.

Make me free again.

You're white. You're a nut, but you're white.

I want all the mirrors removed from this house, woman.

That's a direct order from your husband, Othello.

Oh, you stupid little boy!

Is this the way you face a problem?

- What? - Shut up!

You've abused your skin.

You've dyed your skin.

Yes, yes, I... I did. Wasn't that silly of me?

It was stupid.

Yes, stupid. Insane.

Insane.