Original subtitles

I am Crisko.

The story you're about to see unfolding on the silver screen

Is a strange story indeed... stranger

Than the strangest tales of antiquity,

Stranger than the latest marvels of man's super science.

Yes, even in this bold new age of the electric toaster oven

And the fully automatic transmission, disaster, terror,

And doom still loom, like a hideous clown-like dwarf,

Molesting human destiny.

I am Crisko.

I predict in the 1951, civilization will

Face its greatest challenge.

Audience, beware.

Leave this theater now, before your bowels

Empty into your pants.

You who remain are about to witness a story so terrible, so

Disgusting, that no living human brain can

Withstand it and remain sane.

You will pay the ultimate price for viewing

The terrible true story of zombies, zombies, zombies

From outer space!

CRISKO (VOICEOVER): And yet, even

From the greatest of horrors, irony is seldom absent.

It will all begin on a fine spring

Day, in a typical American cemetery.

Why do we always have to have these picnics outdoors?

You know how I hate nature.

Shut up!

Shut up!

Shut up, you putrid wench.

Ah, god, I hate these picnics in the cemetery.

Oh, the TV reception sucks.

TV, bad.

Oh, my family, garbage.

Everyone, sit down, shut up, behave now!

Oh, that's better.

Hemorrhoids hurt.

What?

What?

Who are you?

Oh, no.

Wah!

[Gasping]

[Screaming]

No!

Take the kid.

Take the kid!

CRISKO (VOICEOVER): Meanwhile, All-American girl Barbie Que

And her expendable boyfriend, Buford,

Are enjoying a romantic stroll, pledging

Their hearts to one another.

But their love is fated never to fester.

It's so peaceful.

I wish we could spend eternity here together, forever.

[Screaming]

CRISKO (VOICEOVER): And now, the ultimate horror.

Their insane, bestial lust unsatisfied,

The fiendish zombie horde will ravage the defenseless Earthian

Graves.

I predict they will consume the flesh

Of the living and the dead, tearing

Apart, rotting, real corpses.

These are not mannequins you see here, not at all.

Look at those boys dig.

But hark, a mysterious message from the depths of outer space.

Beyond the yawning abysses of interstellar space,

Beyond all sane conceptions of time and reality,

Where only gibbering madness reigns, lies Planet Plankton.

Yes, Planet Plankton.

In all the countless universes of evil,

There is no planet more evil than Planet Plankton, a dying

World, doomed to perdition, soon to be

Destroyed by its own hellish, internal fires of lust.

Attention, heroic Earth zombies, phase nine,

Plan three is now implemented.

Kill, destroy, mutilate.

Earth must be ours.

We will send more saucers, more zombie warriors.

Ha.

Ha.

Ha.

Calculate your chances now, Earthlings.

CRISKO (VOICEOVER): Forward goes the dread saucer of doom,

Powered by forbidden science.

We interrupt this program for a special KILL-TV

Emergency news bulletin.

This is Rather Brokaw speaking to you

Live from the studios of KILL-TV with this emergency,

Late-breaking story.

For many weeks now, rumors of an invasion by outer space aliens

Have been growing all across this great land.

From Manhasset to Maine, from Everytown, USA,

Reports have come in concerning the appearance

Of flesh-eating robot zombies... Zombies from outer space.

Although many around the world have seen and been attacked

By flesh-eating robot zombies from outer space,

Many in government, many of the top scientists,

Army generals, and pointy-headed intellectuals in high office,

Deny the very existence of these zombie invaders.

But we at KILL-TV have recently obtained

Exclusive footage of zombies engaged in actual atrocities.

Although the first victims of the zombies

Appear to be mere seaside morons,

Note the cool, professional way in which these alien invaders

Liquidate them.

Not only is their appearance extremely

Frightening and awe-inspiring, but their death rays

Are obviously the product of a vastly more highly advanced

Civilization than ours, causing paralysis and death

In a shorter time than any weapon

Our primitive society has been able to attain.

Yes, these are top-rated alien invaders, the finest

In efficient and stylish planetary

Domination and extermination.

I'd like to thank the Zombie Public Relations

Office for kindly providing this footage

Of their latest deprivations.

Hey, thanks, guys.

We appreciate it.

But while the zombies are moving irresistibly

To seize our planet, what are our own military leaders doing

To meet this new alien threat?

Are they responding to this menace

Or just sitting on their fat butts,

Soaking up free soft drinks and Ding Dongs

At the taxpayers' expense?

To answer this question, we have arranged for a live film

Remote broadcast from the secret military airbase where General

Herpes Simplex has just returned from a top-secret international

Conference at the North Pole.

We now go to the famous KILL-TV NewsClown, Jim Briskin,

Standing by at the secret military airbase.

Jim?

Here he is, folks.

He's coming off the jet.

Let's go talk to him now about this new threat, huh?

General! General!

General!

Is it true that the top-secret conference that you have been

Attending at the North Pole for the last month

Concerns a new alien invasion?

I cannot discuss that.

Oh, yeah?

Well, reports have been coming in from all over the country.

From Manhasset to Main, from Everytown,

USA, reports of flesh-eating robot zombies,

Drinking the blood of the living,

Eating the flesh of the dead.

Are these reports true?

What do you say about... Wait a second, General.

Wait a second.

You can't blow me off so easily.

The people demand to know.

They demand to know.

Are you and other members of the International

Anti-Alien Defense Command League soft on zombies?

Are you soft on aliens?

Are you playing footsie with evil, perverted monsters

From outer space, huh?

Sir.

You traitor, you, huh?

I have never thought I'd live to see the day,

After my years of sacrifice and service

To my country, when I would be accused

Of playing footsie with the enemies of these United States.

Have you so soon forgotten?

Our Earth is surrounded on all sides

By evil space beings who want this planet for their own.

The entire universe is conspiring against us.

We have met their attacks before.

The entire universe is evil and perverted.

Their first attacks tried to break our will,

To divide and weaken us.

But they soon felt the awesome power of atomic annihilation.

They were driven off our fair planet.

All nations banded together to defend Earth

Against aliens' perversion.

Patriotic Americans and dirty Commies

Were together for the first time in a holy cross of shared

Hatred, hatred for the evil invaders from outer space

Who were sure to strike again.

And strike they did.

Their plan was to raise the dead and turn

Them into telephone solicitors to scare us off the planet.

But an atomic one-two punch soon incinerated their plan.

Once again, we triumphed.

As you know, the victory we had won was only temporary.

Again, aliens launched a deadly attack against us.

This time, outer space mobs just took over New York.

They turned a once peaceful and beautiful metropolis

Into a seething cauldron of violence,

Lust, and degradation.

But an atomic triple whammy purified the entire East

Coast of their evil subversion.

And yet, our cunning enemies from the stars did not give up.

They launched their most fiendish attack upon us,

An attack so treacherous, so monstrous,

That it nearly succeeded.

Giant alien insects tried to pick up our women.

No Earthian female was safe from their outer space lust.

The fate of these women was worse than death.

But an atomic rain of destruction

Stopped their disgusting plans.

Our degraded women were redeemed by the purity

Of cleansing atomic fire.

Earth was purified once again.

Once again, monsters from outer space had been brought to bay.

But you should know this, and your vast television audience

As well.

If there was a new alien invasion,

We will destroy it utterly.

All aliens attacking our planet, molesting our woman,

Eating our corpses, must take this as a warning.

They will be annihilated.

It is better to suffer the short, sweet agony

Of atomic Holocaust than to live as slaves

Under perverted monsters from outer space.

But General... what about this new threat, General?

What about it?

Huh, huh, huh?

If there were a threat, then this threat must be

Met by a special kind of man.

Oh, yeah.

A man not afraid to get his hands dirty.

A man strong enough to get down in the cesspool with aliens

And mud-wrestle them into submission.

A man like Major Kent Bendover, head of our new Zombie Defense

Corps.

Now, I must go and resume my duties.

REPORTERS: General!

General!

General!

Over here, General!

This way, General!

General!

This way, General!

General!

There you have it, folks.

Keep watching K-I-L-L TV for latest

Developments in this exciting life-or-death

Struggle with alien invaders.

Thank you, Jim Briskin.

Yes, as General Simplex has so well put it,

We must all band together against alien perversion,

In our cities, in our schools, in our homes,

And in our sanitary facilities.

Stay tuned to KILL-TV for the latest in developments

In the zombie story.

And for those of you who are not watching this broadcast

Live but instead are viewing it as part

Of a so-called entertainment rental video,

I urge you to stay tuned as well.

If you watch long enough, you'll get

To see me, your KILL-TV news anchor, several times

Before the world is destroyed.

And besides, if you stop the tape now,

You've completely wasted the rental cost of this tape.

So stay tuned to KILL-TV for further developments.

CRISKO (VOICEOVER): I Crisko predict...

I predict that in Earth's darkest hour,

One fearless figure will arise, one man

Who holds humanity's fate in his pudgy hands,

That man will be Major Kent Bendover.

The nation's fearless news media reports on the crisis.

They are there in an instant to keep Earthlings informed.

Nothing can stand in the way of the news.

Zombies?

They're messed up pretty bad, huh, Major?

Well, one thing's for sure.

These people are all dead.

Completely murdered.

And someone is responsible.

Better call the coroner, Charlie.

Looks like it's time for another pick up.

What about the girl?

All we know is they killed her main squeeze.

Just keeps muttering zombies, zombies, zombies.

Excuse me, Miss.

Can I drive you home?

Well, I guess I can't mourn forever.

CRISKO (VOICEOVER): Yes, from the stench

Of the open grave, true love will always blossom.

Earth Saucer Defense Headquarters... nerve

Center of Earthian resistance.

Here it is, my little love vessel.

America's most advanced supercomputer.

Oh, Major, it looks so big and fat... I mean,

Big and powerful just like you.

I built it myself, every last relay and vacuum tube.

I'm a cybernetics genius.

I have a degree in physics from the University of California

At Santa Cruz.

I'm never wrong.

The zombies are terrified of me, and we'll

Never see another saucer again.

CRISKO (VOICEOVER): Unfortunately, I

Predict that zombie terror will continue.

Ghastly death strikes from the skies.

Look out, jugglers.

Look out!

Cities everywhere, smashed... smashed to putty.

Washington, nation's capital, citadel

Of freedom, tourist center of the Northeast,

Lots of monuments.

I predict they will refuse to listen to me.

They don't realize that I, Crisko, am the narrator.

I control this film.

And as you know, our worst fears have been realized.

Our planet is being subjected to ruthless alien attacks.

Flesh-eating zombies from outer space are invading here,

Here, here, here, and...

General, what's that going to leave us?

This room, Corporal.

Our brave Earthian lads are fighting,

Dying, here, here, here, here, over here, over here's buddy.

But here in this room, we must plan the next counterattack.

We're facing an enemy that will stop

At nothing to seize this planet for

Their own perverted purposes.

And no one understands alien perversion

More than our own Major Kent Bendover,

Supreme Commander of Earth's Zombie Defense Corps.

Thank you, General.

I have developed a plan for dealing with the zombie menace.

Our plan, code named Operation Deep Fry,

Involves knocking the earth out of its orbit with atomic bombs

And hurling it directly into the sun.

My calculations show that the zombies cannot stand

The enormous temperatures to be found at the center of the sun,

And they will be burned to a crisp.

But Major, won't we all be burned to a crisp as well?

Oh.

Well, anyway, the first principle of war

Is planning without foreknowledge is do-do.

We must know what the zombies will do

Next before we can defeat them.

To help us, I've called the great psycho, Crisko,

To help us predict the zombies' next move.

The zombies are everywhere.

The situation is far more serious than you know, General.

Tell us, Crisko, can we defeat the zombies?

No.

I predict that you cannot defeat the zombies.

I predict the zombies will kill you all, every one of you

Swept away.

I forget that they'll strip the living flesh from your bones.

And they will destroy our Earth.

I predict pigs will fly.

I predict that you're all doomed,

That you're too stupid to listen to my advice.

When the zombies come here to live,

They won't let you live your lives as you lived them.

They'll force you to eat your own lips.

And then you'll have to watch dogs

And cats fornicating together.

Come on, buddy. Come on.

Let's go.

And then!

And then, the zombies will take over the entire government.

They'll report me as the head, but [inaudible].

We need a real plan, Major Bendover.

And we've decided to send you into space to fight

The zombies' saucer fleet.

You'll be flying the, uh, experimental space shuttle.

Good luck.

Oh, Kent, don't go.

I just can't bear the thought of losing you.

Oh, Barbie Que, don't fret.

It's my destiny to destroy the zombies.

My destiny.

I fought the zombies before, Barbie Que...

Not in this life alone, but in my past lives.

Throughout the centuries, we've struggled with them

Taking one form or another.

SIMPLEX (ON SPEAKER): This is General Simplex.

Cut that bible, Bendover, and get your ass on the shuttle.

Get going, you dog face.

I've loved you ever since we were

Giant mouth-breathing slugs spawning in a prehistoric mud

Pit 5 million years ago.

Well, Kent, I don't know what to say.

Don't say anything, Barbie Que.

I must go now, Barbie Que.

I must go to meet my destiny.

I'll always be true to you, Kent.

Remember me, Barbie Que.

[Mission control orders]

CRISKO (VOICEOVER): When a man is

At the point of a horrible death,

His heart turns to thought of happy times

With his loved ones.

He dreams about music videos.

[Music playing]

I fell in love with you under a zombie moon.

I just couldn't be with no one else.

I tried to give you [inaudible], but I wasn't myself.

I guess you couldn't handle someone else.

I love you, Barbie Que.

I really, really, love you, love you.

Barbie Que.

I love you, Barbie Que.

I really, really, love you.

I love you, Barbie Que.

When I hear your name, it reminds me of summer, the grass

And a beer on the lawn.

I want you with me forever and ever.

I know that we both belong.

I love you, Barbie Que.

I really, really love you, love you, Barbie Que.

I love you, Barbie Que.

I really, really love you, love you.

I love you, Barbie Que.

Sitting with you and watching explosion.

The bombs in my mind just won't stop.

I hear the pitter-patter of little invaders.

It makes my heart go flip-flop.

I love you, Barbie Que.

I really, really love you, love you, Barbie Que.

Barbie Que, I really, really love you.

I love you, Barbie Que.

I love you, Barbie Que.

I love you, Barbie Que.

I love you, Barbie Que.

I love you, Barbie Que.

I love you, Barbie Que.

MISSION CONTROL (VOICEOVER): Four, three, two, one, zero.

CRISKO (VOICEOVER): Forward, forward,

Into the gulfs of space.

Our hopes right with you, Major Bendover.

Fight those zombies.

Grind their bones.

Eat their lunch.

Block their hat.

Mow their lawns.

Rah, rah, shish boom bah!

[Beeping]

[Music playing]

CRISKO (VOICEOVER): Due to his superhuman physique

And his YWCA membership, Major Kent Bendover

Survives to fight another day.

Zombie terror, lots and lots of zombie terror... buildings

Damaged, people running away.

Senseless arson.

Yow!

Hollywood subjugated!

Oh, isn't this awful?

Cities everywhere tremble under the arrogant, goose

Stepping zombie flippers.

MAN (ON LOUDSPEAKER): Attention Earthlings, the zombies

From outer space have landed.

Evacuate the cities.

Evacuate the countryside.

Attention Earthlings, the zombies from other space

Have landed.

Evacuate the cities.

Evacuate the countryside.

The zombies from outer space have landed.

Evacuate the cities.

Evacuate the countryside.

Oh, don't hurt my baby!

Oh, god!

Oh, my god!

MAN (ON LOUDSPEAKER): Attention Earthlings, the zombies

From outer space have landed.

Evacuate the cities.

Evacuate the countryside.

CRISKO (VOICEOVER): Earth's armies counterattack.

PILOT: [inaudible].

PILOT: Roger, I'm coming in from the southeast.

I have you in sight now.

[Inaudible] 3 o'clock from behind.

PILOT: [inaudible].

PILOT: All right, you go ahead and mark it,

And I'll give you... it's right about where that smoke is.

This zombie menace is getting way out of hand.

I know.

Let's drown ourselves and be together in a watery doom

Forever.

No.

It's my destiny to destroy the zombies first.

Besides, the saucers are up there,

The zombies are up there, and we are

In here, safe for the moment.

Ah, zombie on K-I-double-L.

Ha, ha, ha, Major Bendover.

We have taken over your pathetic TV set.

We have taken over San Francisco too.

It was easy.

Soon all Earthian cities will fall.

Resistance is useless.

Ha, ha, ha.

See this severed head?

OK, it's not a real head, but it could be real.

It could be yours.

And watch out for falling appliances.

CRISKO (VOICEOVER): All over the world,

Newspapers will spin out headlines...

Headlines of terror, doom, and destruction.

Yes, atomic annihilation will be unleashed against the zombies.

KENT: Barbie, I brought you here to experience

Our counterattack against the zombie menace firsthand.

BARBIE: Oh, Kent.

I'm afraid it has become necessary to destroy

Tacoma in order to save it.

Together, we can experience the awesome beauty

Of an atomic blast.

Oh, Major.

Yes, it will be a beautiful sight to see.

Some of the larger ones look like wonderful blossoming

Flowers of flaming death.

Oh, Kent!

I don't think we'll have any trouble with our zombie friends

After this.

Oh, Kent.

Let's just kill ourselves now.

We'll never be this happy again as long as we live.

CRISKO (VOICEOVER): Thousands of bombers

Will drop hundreds and hundreds of atomic bombs

On the hapless zombies from outer space.

Cities all over the world will be saved through obliteration.

BARBIE: You fool!

You fool!

We weren't close enough to the blast.

Now we have to go on living.

I never want to see you again.

CRISKO (VOICEOVER): Her bitter words echo in his brain.

BARBIE: (ECHOING) You fool!

You fool!

We weren't close enough.

Now we have to go on living.

I never want to see you again.

CRISKO (VOICEOVER): Rejected by the love of his life,

He goes looking for more love.

No, Major, you won't find love in that bottle.

Day after day, he stumbles along with the radioactive rubble.

His heart and spirit are broken.

The entire atomic wasteland seemed to be

There only to ignore his pain.

We are zombies from outer space.

We will kidnap you now.

Ha.

Ha.

Ha.

Ha.

Ha.

Ha.

CRISKO (VOICEOVER): You should have listened to me, Major.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Have the zombies been truly destroyed?

A top scientific research team is

Sent into the total devastation left by the atomic attack.

Look, see?

It's me.

I look great, don't I?

Yes, the government will come crawling back to me, Crisko.

My predictions always come true.

The radiation count is down to a safe level.

We can move into the main blast area.

Yes, my psychic paranormal abilities

Detect no signs of the zombies.

The atomic bombs must have destroyed them all.

I predict the zombie menace is over.

Our job is to find their bodies and report to Washington.

We'd better get going.

Zombie agent 13 to head zombie.

Zombie agent 13 to head zombie.

The Earthlings have fallen for our trap.

They are approaching zero ground.

Over and out.

Professor, look there.

Why, it's just an ordinary radioactive skull, Crisko.

Radioactive?

Yes. A skull?

Yes.

But not, Professor... Not an ordinary skull.

I predict that this skull will tell us where we can

Find the bodies of the zombies.

What do you mean, Crisko?

First, we must measure the kinetic energy of the skull.

In order to communicate successfully

With the spirit world, the kinetic energy

Frequencies must match exactly.

A-ha!

It's just as I predicted.

The kinetic energy is exactly 666.6 Morton

Cycles on the Heinz scale.

Yes.

Yes, many through history have tried

To communicate with the dead.

Even Thomas Edison.

All have failed.

Only I, Crisko, the man with the super psychic brain...

Only I can talk with the dead.

Ooga-booga, eenie, meanie, eenie, meanie, chili beanie...

The spirits are about to speak.

Are they friendly spirits?

Friendly?

Just listen.

Argh.

Argh.

Ar... [coughing] argh.

Dead person, tell us, where are the bodies of the zombies?

Although I died an agonizing death by atomic radiation,

I am glad my meaningless life was sacrificed

To destroy the zombies.

I was proud to be fried for my country.

The zombies are over the next ridge.

They're completely dead.

They're totally harmless.

You can trust me.

I wouldn't lie.

Go ahead.

Look for yourselves.

This skull spoke the truth.

I predict we will find the zombie

Bodies over the next ridge.

Forward, men.

Ha, ha, ha, what a bunch of saps.

Argh.

Look there, men.

Gee, it's kind of grown, hasn't it?

Don't be concerned, officer.

The bigger something is, the deader it is.

The atomic radiation has caused its molecules to expand.

Yes.

I predict this is the death knell

For all zombies everywhere.

Men, go ahead and claim this first zombie body for America.

[Screaming]

So the zombie threat is finished, huh?

This is a job for Washington now.

Hello, Washington?

The atoms bomb failed.

The zombies are growing, growing,

Growing a mile a minute.

We interrupt this program for a special bulletin,

The latest developments on the zombie invasion.

Due to complete incompetence on the part of Earth's

Military leaders, the recent A-bomb offensive

Against the zombies has, instead of destroying them,

Caused them to start growing larger and larger.

Scientists estimate that the zombies affected

By the atomic radiation are growing at the rate

Of a mile taller every minute.

Some authorities point out that the zombies will soon

Grow so big that they will become too large for our planet

And float off into space.

But other authorities point out that by then,

We'd all be dead anyway.

Sounds pretty gloomy, doesn't it, folks?

In other news, girl aged 10 gives birth to her mother.

And for our closeup segment on dealing with hostility,

Part three, goofballs, pinheads, pencil-necked geeks...

Should they be allowed to live?

We say no.

That segment will be at 11:30 after colostomy news.

Stay tuned for the best in news with KILL-TV.

[Groaning]

Tell us, Bendover, what is your mission?

You must tell.

Never!

Never!

Turn up the nerve fry-olator another notch.

Teach him not to defy us.

[Screaming]

No, no, no!

Tell us, Bendover, what is your mission?

You must tell.

Fry-olate him more.

Ha. Ha.

Ha.

On my honor, I, Kent Bendover, promise

To do my duty to God and my country,

And to obey the laws [inaudible].

[Screaming]

Bendover, submit to zombie power,

Or we will fry-olate your brain and turn

You into a drooling husk.

Fry-olate him more.

He has no brain to fry, great one.

When will you zombies learn?

Your evil will only turn on itself.

Tell us, Bendover, what is your mission?

You must tell.

You zombies are gonna lose.

You can kill me, but everything that's good and kind and nice

In the world will combine against you,

Because... because you zombies are bozos!

The Earthian has called us bozos.

Remove his organs of sexual reproduction

And throw him away.

These Earthian bolt-cutters should do the trick.

Ha.

Ha.

Ha. Ha.

Ha.

Ha.

Now... now pull out his intestines.

Ha. Ha.

Ha.

That will teach you to call us bozos.

Wait.

Replace his gonads.

I have a plan.

Bendover, I am for you.

It's time for hot new blood.

After I've had you, you will want to tell all.

Feast upon alien flesh.

I'm sorry.

I can't merge my flesh with that of an alien.

We can join together the great zombie and Earthian races

In a hot alien embrace.

Finally, [inaudible].

It is ours, Kent Bendover.

[Music playing]

(SINGING) Zombies from outer space.

Zombies from outer space.

Never sleeping, always awake.

Searching for souls easy to take.

Mesmerizing darkness, to the planet they come.

Into your living room, tangled in foam.

Zombies from outer space.

Zombies from outer space.

They're never sleeping, always awake.

They're searching for the souls easy to take.

Mesmerizing darkness, the planets, they'll come.

Into your living room, tangled in foam.

I used to watch you, Bendover, from outer space.

I never imagined it would be this hot.

Your moist and meaty Earthian love has won me over.

I no longer wish to serve Planet Plankton.

I'm yours until I rot.

You're one hot ticket yourself, babe.

But I'm an Earthian.

You're a zombie.

We're like two barges that pass in the night.

But Kent, when I am with you, I am no longer a zombie.

You are my only love now.

I will dare on danger, betray my entire race to feel

Your greasy hair once again.

To smell you [inaudible] drooling all over me.

Gee, now that I'm being held prisoner here,

We may not be seeing that much of each other.

I can help you escape, Major Kent Bendover.

I know all the secret passageways.

But there is one thing.

What's that, my darling?

It would mean my death if they caught me.

You must take me with you.

I want to live with you on Earth.

I want to be your Earthian wife.

If I come with you, will you protect me?

You've been taken in by all that zombie propaganda.

We Earthians respect life in all forms,

No matter how disgusting.

Then this is how we will escape.

We're saved!

Thank god we found you, Major.

The zombies are in the cities.

Thanks, Charlie.

Who's that?

A new day dawns for us both.

Do you think I'll make a good Earthian wife?

OK, boys.

Kill it.

Pick up the pieces, boys.

I brought this one back for dissection.

CRISKO (VOICEOVER): Earth Defense Headquarters,

The last grim bastion of Earthians resistance

To the zombie evil.

A terrible secret is about to be revealed.

Dr. Shiestkopf, is this zombie animal, vegetable, or mineral?

Herr Overbend, you will please keep your voice down.

This zombie is not dead.

It is alive.

It could wake at any moment and kill us all.

Like anything evil, it is immortal.

It cannot die.

That's pretty darn hard to believe in my book, doctor.

Immortal?

You can't be serious, doctor.

Are you telling us this thing is alive?

Yes, yes, Herr General.

It is alive.

Balderdash.

That sounds like a lot of sheep dip to me, Doctor.

Bah!

You are all a pack of cretins.

I have demonstrated that there is life on other worlds,

And it is evil life.

Ever since my operation, messages

Have been beamed into my head.

From zombies... zombies from outer space.

They warned me of their coming.

But now I have them where I want them!

[Laughter]

You see?

Still alive!

Even if you were to cut off its head and its arms

And its legs and its... Dissolve its body into acid,

And then flush the acid down the toilet,

It would still be alive.

But Dr. Shiestkopf, you brain boys

Have to come up with an answer.

How are we going to fight something you can't kill?

That is a good question, General.

Perhaps there is no answer.

I don't know what you ever saw in her anyway, Kent.

KENT: Barbie, I had to.

Gee, I wonder if they feel pain like we do.

Bah!

The zombies, I was right!

The zombies are a bioconstructed organism.

It is part living and part machine!

But it is all evil.

Nothing can stop them.

They're immortal.

We are doomed.

CRISKO (VOICEOVER): Meanwhile, a savage battle rages

On the surface for control of the Earth.

The zombies fight with unfair weapons of super science.

Earthian weapons are like cheap fireworks compared to them.

Nonsense, Doctor.

Goodness must win over badness.

Think of all the young children, the happy children, Doctor.

Think of summer days and ice cream and circuses.

These zombies, these awful zombies,

Must not be allowed to win.

There must be an answer.

We will try, Herr Overbend.

We will try.

Doctor, think of soda pops and little girls wanting to drink...

I can't take it!

I give up!

I don't want to die.

I surrender!

Please, please, save me!

I don't want to die!

He has lost his nerve.

Take him away!

Take him away!

Please.

Please, doctor.

You must find an answer.

I mean, think of waffles and shoelaces and [inaudible].

Ah, shut up, shut up, you miserable pinhead.

I have found it.

Solarnite, that is the answer.

Solarnite, you don't mean...

Yes, Herr General.

Solarnite, the only weapon with particles so small that they

Can explode the very rays of the sun itself... the rays

Will get into the zombies and explode them into gooey mush.

But doctor, how could something so small as a particle

Of sunlight be so powerful?

Ah, meine liebchen, the smaller something is, the more powerful

The explosion that it will make.

You see, solarnite is the ultimate weapon.

Mr. President, we have the answer.

Deploy solarnite.

What about Barbie Que and Doctor Shiestkopf?

I don't care about them.

I want to live.

Let them fry.

Get going, soldier.

Put me in touch with solarnite command.

Staff car X1 to solarnite command.

Staff car X1 to solarnite command.

Staff car X1 to solarnite command.

Staff car X1 to solarnite command.

MAN (ON RADIO): Solarnite command to all units.

All communications are down.

This is solarnite command.

Sorry, sir.

Can't get hold of solarnite command.

Too much electromagnetic interference

From the zombie rays.

Blue hellfire.

All our solarnite cannons are deployed.

They're only waiting for the order

To begin the light ray chain reaction.

But we can't get hold of solarnite command

To give that order.

Do you know what that means, Major?

That we're going to give up, sir?

Never, Major.

Never.

Our only chance is to reach the communication

Center on Communication Center Mountain.

There we can contact all the solarnite units ourselves.

It's the only chance we have to destroy

The zombies once and for all.

But General, Communication Center Mountain

Lies in the heart of zombie infested territory.

We'll be blasted as soon as we show up on their scanners.

We'll all die.

I'm too pretty to die, General.

Please, please, please, can't we send someone else, General?

Please.

The ghosts of our sacred ancestors

Will never forgive us, Major, if we do not offer our lives

As the supreme sacrifice.

Zombie annihilation is not to be feared.

Even the most painful, disgusting death at the hands

Of perverted aliens is to be endured for the cause

Of victory, even welcomed.

Onwards to the communication center, driver.

Even if we fail, our blood will water the tree

Of ultimate victory and nourish the generations of vengeance

To come.

Onwards, soldier.

[Groaning]

I want to go home.

[Screaming]

It's coming around for another pass, sir.

Me, oh my!

Good shooting, sir.

It was nothing, Major.

It's just my inner, spiritual strength,

My will is stronger than that of the zombies.

Looks like we've got company, sir.

CRISKO (VOICEOVER): Oh, no.

Look out.

It's the deadly zombie death taser.

Faster!

Faster!

Faster!

Faster!

[Steam escaping]

Pedestrian in the road, sir.

Go faster.

Run him over.

Run him over.

It's him or us.

Do it!

Do it!

Do it!

I don't care if he's handicapped.

If he didn't want to get run over,

He shouldn't have gotten crippled.

I'm afraid they're gaining on us.

Our last effort has failed.

But at least we shall perish as glorious heroes,

Not as snivelling cowards.

Major Bendover, get rid of that banana.

Don't you care what you'll look like when

They find your charred corpse?

Major, that's an order.

All right.

CRISKO (VOICEOVER): Peaceful, happy mimes,

Struggling for peace in a world torn by war.

Mimes in the road, sir.

Looks like they're beautifully acting out a vision of a world

Of cooperation and happiness.

Mimes, disgusting creatures.

Run them over forthwith, driver.

Yes, sir.

CRISKO (VOICEOVER): So perish all such filthy traitors

For man's ultimate destiny.

Communication center up ahead, sir.

This is General Simplex to all solarnite units.

Commence exploding light rays now.

Those zombies will be laughing up the other side

Of their sleeves now, General.

I just hope we're in time, Major.

Attention, we bring you a special report

From the studios of KILL-TV.

Nuclear bombs have failed, I repeat, have

Failed to destroy the zombies.

The Pentagon has decided to use America's

Most secret weapon, solarnite.

This weapon, developed for many years,

Actually explodes the rays of the sun itself.

Cities are quarantined.

Anyone attempting to leave the target area

Will be fired upon by the Army and National Guard units.

Zombie contaminated bodies will be incinerated.

Yes, it may be necessary to destroy America's cities

In order to save them.

The solarnite attack will commence in exactly 10 seconds.

Cover yourselves with wet newspapers,

We repeat, wet newspapers when the light rays begin

To explode.

Fellow Americans, we must use this terrible solarnite weapon

In order to destroy the zombies, and as a cheap reference

To an earlier film.

God bless us all, and good luck.

CRISKO (VOICEOVER): Solarnite, solarnite, solarnite!

Take that, pesky zombies.

Your screams of agony can only be the sweetest of music

To any unperverted Earthian.

Die, die!

Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Look at them burn!

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

So, man's last ditch effort prevailed.

With any luck, by this time tomorrow, the zombies

Will be vanished from the Earth forever.

They'll be yesterday's news.

You know, Major, a girl could really fall for a guy like you.

Not really sure which girl.

CRISKO (VOICEOVER): Happy Earth?

Hardly.

For on the doomed Planet Plankton,

The head zombie will come to a terrible decision.

My Earth zombies have failed.

Human elements still roam the planet Earth.

Our planet is doomed.

But if we must die, we will not die alone.

The Earthians shall not survive to laugh at us.

I shall release cosmic Q-rays.

Ha, ha, ha.

They will smash your cheap little world.

Calculate your chances now, Earthlings.

Negative, negative, negative.

Goodbye, stupid Earthians.

Ha.

Ha.

Ha. Ha.

Ha.

Ha.

Ha. Ha.

Ha. Ha.

Ha. Ha.

CRISKO (VOICEOVER): Look out, Earth.

Oh, no!

HEAD ZOMBIE: Rest in pieces.

Ha.

Ha.

Ha.

Ha.

Ha.

Ha.

I am Crisko.

You have seen the terrible story of zombies from outer space

With your own eyes.

You have seen that each of us are helpless.

The scientists and his gadgets, the housewife

And her appliances, even innocent children

With their toys... all are impotent in the face

Of zombie terror.

Do you believe that zombies have invaded our planet?

Do you believe that our Earth has

Been blown up and destroyed?

Can you prove it never happened?

[MUSIC "ZOMBIES FROM OUTER SPACE"]