Original subtitles

We're not going out

Not staying in

Just hanging around with my head in a spin

But there is no need to scream and shout

We're not going out

We are not going out.

And thanks for the pressie, Ben. Oh, you're welcome, Lucy.

It's been so great to catch up after all this time.

I can't believe it's been over 20 years.

I know, I couldn't believe it when you popped up on Facebook.

What about you, Lee? You do the whole university thing?

Nah, I never bothered.

You and your old friends ever think about catching up?

Nah, we'd have to do A-levels and everything.

Well, thank you for inviting me into your lovely home.

And thank you for inviting your lovely biscuits into me.

Bye, Lucy. Bye, Ben.

Oh, well, that's two hours of your life you're not getting back.

What do you mean? He's a sweet guy.

Well, yeah, he's really nice,

but you two have got nothing in common any more.

When you two were mates, you were single, didn't have kids,

you probably stayed up late listening to music.

Now you're married, you're a full-time mum,

you fall asleep halfway through Question Of Sport.

I'm just going to nip upstairs for a relaxing bath...

..with the toaster.

I don't know why people feel the need to stay in touch.

There was a time if you got bored with someone,

you could deliberately lose contact.

Not any more. Do you know why?

Marriage?

Social media.

What do you know about social media? You never use it.

No, I do not.

I don't want the authorities following my movements, thank you very much.

I'm sure the authorities aren't massively interested in you, Lee.

And I certainly don't want to be arranging to hook up with some kid from primary school.

Well, that's good, because then the authorities WOULD be interested in you.

If I wanted to see somebody from my childhood

who disappeared for 35 years, I'd go round to my dad's house.

Fine, but you're missing out.

I saw a thing today where if you like the Greggs page,

you get a free pasty.

Three, two, one...

How do I sign up?

So how's your social media experience?

It's all politically incorrect jokes and abusive comments

about Delia Smith.

I knew I shouldn't have friended your mum.

Actually, I have had one mate who I haven't seen for years

suggesting we meet up for a coffee.

Oh, great.

Are you going to get together?

Oh, I don't know.

Oh, you should do it.

It's nice to catch up with people.

Yeah, maybe.

She does seem quite keen.

Oh.

It's a she, is it? Yeah, is that all right?

Yeah, of course. Why would that bother me?

It wouldn't, I know.

Cos you met up with Ben, didn't you? Exactly.

It's not like you went out with her...

..did you?No...

..not really.

What do you mean, not really?

Well, we were just kids.

How old?

19.

Or as we used to say in the '80s, n-n-n-n-nineteen.

So when you said you were a kid, you mean you were an adult?

I won't meet up with her if you don't want me to.

No, no, it's fine.

It's just when you said it was a mate,

I didn't realise you'd actually mated.

Yeah, but it wasn't serious, we...

..we just used to see each other a bit.

How much?

Top halves only.

So...you never slept with her?

Why do you need to know? I don't!

I'm really not that bothered.

I think it's fair to say

that when me and you got together I wasn't a virgin.

Really?

What were you then, just out of practice?

So how long were you two together?

I don't know. A couple of months.

If you're not comfortable with me seeing her...

Oh, I'm comfortable.

I'm just making conversation.

Well, why don't you have a look?

That's her profile and pictures and stuff.

I'm not interested in going through all that.

Single.

Likes - Take That, Corfu and cheese toasties.

Well, that's why it never would have worked out between us.

You know me - McFly, Costa del Sol and flapjacks.

Do you know what? I can't be bothered meeting her anyway.

No? Really? Well, like I say, it doesn't matter to me either way.

I know it doesn't. I know you know that.

So do I. Me too.

Good. Well, I'm glad that's cleared the air.

Blimey, all I wanted was a free pasty.

Oh, look...

I'm sorry.

Am I being silly?

No, it's completely understandable. Is it?

Yeah, of course.

You're a neurotic, jealous, psycho-bitch, I know that.

No, I get it.

If Ben had have been your ex,

then maybe I'd have felt a tiny bit uncomfortable.

Would you still have accepted his biscuits?

If I'd have caught you in bed together, I'd have accepted those biscuits.

I think you should meet up with her.

I thought you didn't care either way. Well, now I do care.

I care that it ever so slightly bothered me.

If I'm being honest,

I just thought she might still be attracted to you.

I know, it's insane.Yeah.

How could anyone fancy this

now it's had the joy and hope sucked out of it?

But the main thing is she seems really nice

and it will be nice for you to catch up.All right.

What about I invite her round here so she can meet you as well?

Really?Yeah.

I want her to see the life I've got now, which is with you.

OK.

Make it a threesome.

I'm not going that far.

Actually, if I ever did ask you... No.No!

Oi! Leave the nice biscuits for the guests, please.

We haven't got many left.

Are you nervous?A bit.

You know she's a bit rough around the edges, don't you?

Really? With your finesse and style, I was expecting Joanna Lumley.

She's proper old school Northern - she doesn't suffer fools.

Well, at least I know who ended the relationship.

DOORBELL RINGS

Ooh. Doorbell - sophisticated.

I was expecting her just to kick the door in.

Frigging 'ell, you've aged!

Karen.

Oh, we're not bloody French!

Thought we voted out of all that bollocks. Come 'ere.

Hi. Who's this?

This is my wife, Lucy.

You never said you were married.

I did, I told you in the message.

Aah! I'm joking, you daft pillock!

Come 'ere!

Oh, bloody 'ell.

How did a big-nosed, ferret-faced bugger like you land this one?

Well, answer her.

It's very nice to meet you, Karen.

I've read...heard a lot about you.

Please.

Bloody 'ell, Lee!

Fortnum & Mason biscuits -

do I eat these with a knife and fork or what?

Oh, they're not mine, they're Lucy's.

You know me, I'm more of a Wagon Wheel man.

So who ate all the cardamom and sea-salted Florentines?

Summat to dunk in me tea.

Oh! I've got you a present.

Something you can only get up north.

Don't you be saying rickets!

Eccles cakes, proper ones.

I always stock up whenever I go home.

Ee, I have not had an Eccles cake for years.

Pardon?I've not had an Eccles cake for years.

I thought you said "ee".

I've not had one of them for years either.

You never did, you liar.

Two cans of lager down the ginnel, he was anybody's.Ha!

Can I get you a coffee or a tea?

Oh, tea would be lovely, thank you.

What type do you like? We've got everything.

Oh, she just wants a brew.

Ee, a brew.

Do you have a green tea matcha infusion?

I think we have actually.

Ah! I thought you bloody would have!

I'm only kidding, Lucy.

I'll just have the one the monkey drinks. Thanks, love.

He drinks Earl Grey.

I don't.

LAUGHTER

Well, cheers.Cheers.

Down the ginnel.

What?

You know, like two cans of lager down the ginnel.

LEE CHUCKLES

A ginnel's not your throat.

Well, what is it?It's a passageway attached to the side of the house.

Can't believe you've not heard that before.

Southerners!

Well, perhaps that's because you've never used that word

in the entire time I've known you.

Course you have,

appen you just haven't heard me say it.

Appen?

Now you're saying you haven't heard the word "appen"?

Not randomly attached to the side of a sentence like some kind of ginnel.

Um, where do you live, Karen? Go down here in London.

I've just not gone all soft like 'im.

I've not gone soft. Really?

What about the orange and bergamot hand lotion in your bathroom?

That's Lucy's.

And the lavender beard oil.

Yeah, that's hers as well.

I could not believe it when you popped up on Facebook.

I only joined a couple of days ago.

Aw, always ten years behind everyone else.

In 1985, his family still went outside when they needed the bog.

There was no toilet there, they were just pigs.

KAREN LAUGHS

It was actually my idea that Lee join Facebook.

Oh, I'm on all of them, me -

Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tinder.

Tinder? Mm.

I am young, free, single and looking for love.

I'm obviously not that picky, though, am I?

Cos I was with him for 18 months!

18? Really?

I thought you said a couple.

Maybe you meant years.

I cannot imagine being with that daft apeth for 18 years!

At the moment, neither can I.

Well, went all right, didn't it?

Aye, appen.

It were a grand evenin' and I'll tell you that for nowt.

I had more fun than a ferret in a ginnel.

I was just trying to make Karen feel comfortable. Yeah...

..cos I could tell how shy and timid she was.

And can I just say -

it's not a big deal, but you can buy Eccles cakes in Waitrose.

It's not some magical formula guarded by Ken Barlow

and buried in the Hovis mines of Accrington.

It's a little cake with currants in it

that most people don't like very much.

Not that it's a big deal.

This isn't about the Eccles cakes, it's about you.

You spent the whole evening acting like you're embarrassed

about the life you're now leading.

You seemed intent on impressing her for some reason.

You don't honestly think I've still got a thing for her, do you?

No, of course not, but she might still have a thing for you.

She's got a funny way of showing it.

Well, she's got a funny way of doing everything, hasn't she?

Judging by how much you were laughing at all her jokes.

Oh, we just had a couple of laughs.

And when you say a couple, do you mean 18?

I'm going to sleep.

Oi! I'll still cleaning me teeth.

Well, just spit it on t'floor and rub it in with thee foot.

Toby, where on earth are you?

I was ready to be collected ten minutes ago.

I don't care about double yellow lines.

You're a bloody surgeon, doesn't that come with some perks?

Well, get a flashy light!

He sends his love.

Anna, do you trust Toby?

In terms of, you know, being faithful.

Toby is my rock.

By which I mean he just sits there gathering moss.

He wouldn't have the initiative to cheat. Why do you ask?

Oh, it's nothing,

it's just Lee was contacted by an ex-girlfriend from years ago.

She came round the house.Oh, I see.

How did they behave together? Were they close? Did they flirt?

Actually, they just flung verbal abuse at each other.

That is close. They might as well be married.

Would you be jealous of Toby's ex?

I'd be jealous of her for having split up with him.

Why? Are you jealous?

I don't know. A bit.

They only met up because I encouraged it.

Well, that was silly of you.

It's one thing to trust your husband,

it's another to dangle temptation.

I didn't dangle her.

Did I?

This is one of life's tests.

The correct response when your husband says

he wants to meet up with an ex-girlfriend

is to immediately set fire to all of his clothes

and feed his ties through a paper shredder

because that, Lucy...

..is love.

SHE SIGHS

Can we talk?

I've been chatting to Anna

about this whole thing of what to do about exes.

That's a worry.

I've always assumed that Anna's exes were stuffed

and mounted in a display cabinet.

She gave me some advice.

Go on.

She said she thinks that temptation can be a dangerous thing

in a marriage and that it should be avoided at all costs.

Right. So do you know what I think we should do?

What?

I think we should do the exact opposite of what Anna would do.

What, you're going to actually attach a pair of testicles to me?

I don't ever want us to end up like Toby and Anna, Lee.

Course you should stay in touch with Karen.

In fact, I think I should invite her back here.

I think I made a bad impression last time.

I may have come across as prickly.

She didn't notice.

So I did come across as prickly?

Course not.

More like a battle-axe.

I'm sorry.No, I'm sorry.

I was putting on a stupid act last time.

I need to show her the real me.

I am what I am.

Please don't tell her you need to show her the real you

and then sing I Am What I Am.

It might just confuse things.

LAUGHTER

Oh, well, that was lovely, Lucy. I am stuffed.

Oh, there's spotted dick and custard for pudding.

Or a lighter dessert of panna cotta if you prefer.

Panna cotta? Can't get that in Chorley.

Yes, you can, you go to the shop.

It's very nice of you to have me back,

especially after I took the mick out your husband so much.

That's why I wanted you back.

It's hard work mocking him by myself all these years.

Has he ever told you about the perm?

I don't believe he has.

It wasn't a perm, it was a demi wave.

Oh, it's such a shame there aren't any photographs

so I could show you what an absolute pillock he looked.

Oh, hang on, wait a minute, there is.

LUCY GROANS

He wanted to look like that bloke off INXS.

KAREN LAUGHS

My God, he looks more like Steffi Graf.

Ey! At least I'm not the one who tried to pierce me own ears

with a staple gun.

Ouch! Oh, God, yeah, I ended up in casualty.

Ey, that was the same night we got engaged.

Came out of hospital with a bandage on my head and a ring on my finger.

Do you remember?No.

Oh, well, that's charming, that is!

We never got engaged, Karen!

Yes, we did.

You put one of those old-fashioned ring pulls off a Diet Coke on my finger.

See? We were just messing. I wore it for a whole year.

What am I like?Is that rhetorical?

He got down on one knee.

I really don't remember any of this at all. Yes, you do.

You got all weepy in A&E

and then you said you'd come so close to losing me

that you wanted to hold on to me forever.

You soppy twat.

Yeah, Lee, you silly old c... OK.

Look at his face.

I am killing him!

Yeah. Leave me with something to do.

Did you set a date? Book a church?

It wasn't a big deal!

Oh, just a registry office, then?

Were it just close fettlers and a bit of bread and drippin'?

I'd forgotten all about it.

Oh, I see. Any other engagements you'd forgotten all about?

Perhaps a couple of actual marriages that have slipped your mind?

It was a stupid, silly thing. It wasn't real.

It didn't mean anything.

Getting engaged didn't mean anything?

I wish I'd known that when you proposed to me!

That was different.

Me and you actually ended up getting married, unlike me and Karen.

Yeah, why was that?What?

Who finished with who?

I can't remember!

Oh, I see, she dumped you.

I was second choice.

Oh, get a grip. Of course you weren't second choice.

Yes, I was!

Only in terms of order like...

..Kim Jong-il coming before Kim Jong-un.

Strike that! Let me try again.

Just think how much better life could have been

if Karen had said yes.

No, it wouldn't.

I meant for me!

You forgot you were engaged?

We were just kids.

When I was five, I asked the girl next door to marry me.

Should I have mentioned that to Lucy as well?

Oh, for the love of God, don't add anyone else into the mix.

Not my fault I forgot.

Are you sure you didn't just...conveniently forget?

Right, well, I sort of half-remembered.

You can't half-remember a thing like that.

It's not the lyrics to Come On Eileen.

Don't tell me you were once engaged to someone called Eileen as well.

All right, I admit it, I completely remembered.

But it wasn't serious.

And I didn't want to mention it

because I didn't want it to end up in a huge row with Lucy.

And how did that work out for you?

Relationships are based on trust.

I think you owe Lucy an apology.

Oh, you're right.

I'll talk to her when I get back.

Pretending to forget that you'd got engaged...

I wish I'd thought of that.

I could have stayed single.

Can we talk?

Look, OK, I admit -

I've always remembered that I once sort of got engaged,

but I never felt there was any point in bringing it up.

Why would I want to risk upsetting the one person I truly love

with a story about a meaningless romance from years ago,

when the only person

I've ever really wanted to spend the rest of my life with is you?

Not saying it again.

I heard you.

I'm married to you.

It was a huge mistake...

Not marrying you - I mean...

..not telling you about my silly past.

Do you really think I'd demonstrate my eternal love for someone

with the ring pull off a Diet Coke?

Yeah.

But however meaningless it was,

I'm sorry that you heard it from Karen.

And by the way,

I don't want to see her again, ever.

I'm sorry.

And to make it up to you properly,

I'm going to take you out for dinner tonight.

I'll even ask for our special table by the window.

Oh, I really like that table.

No-one can hear your chewing.

DOORBELL RINGS

That'll be Karen with my secret love child.

Too soon!

Oh, hello, Ben. Sorry to call by unannounced.

When I was here the other day I left my umbrella.

Can you believe it?

Of all the things to leave, my umbrella.

Yes. Right.

Don't worry, it's genuine this time. No ulterior motive.

Sorry, that's a private joke.

Back at university,

I deliberately left my umbrella round at Lucy's place,

so I had an excuse to go back and ask her out.

I mean, that's...that's how we started dating in the first place.

I know, it's a cheesy story.

No, no, it's a truly fascinating story.

Well, must dash.

Toodle-pip, Benjamin.

I kept meaning to mention it.

Is that right?

Yes, it is.

But guess what?

I forgot.

I presume dinner is cancelled.

Oh, no, I'm still going.

Just not with you.

Oh, yeah? With who, then?

Guess who.

Oh, shove your Eccles cake up your...ginnel.

Well, this is all very last minute, Lee.

Well, you know me, carpe diem.

Oh, I love fish.

It's Latin.

Blimey, I have changed.

Oh, can we have the one in the window?

Sorry, we've just had a reservation for that one.

I knew I should have booked the good table.

Listen to you.

I remember when you were happy with a plastic seat at Wimpy.

Well, now I prefer a bistro.

I always thought bistro meant gravy granules.

Oh, give it a rest.

What is up with you?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I just had a huge row with Lucy.

About you being here with me?

No.

Well, sort of about you, I guess.

I see.

Look, Lee, there's something that I need to say.

You and me meeting up again after all this time,

it's been really, really nice...

..but it's a bit friggin' weird, isn't it?

Three times in one week - have you not got any other friends?

You contacted me!

For a quick coffee, and then straight after

you invite me to your house for dinner.

That was Lucy's idea.

If you must know, I thought it was weird as well.

We never eat at the dining table.

And now this.

Can I just check - what do you think THIS is?

I do wonder if you're still hoping

that perhaps we can carry on where we left off.

We have carried on where we left off -

you taking the piss out of me and assuming I'm after sex all the time.

We're not having sex, Lee. Oh, for God's sake.

I know we're not!

Hi. I made a phone reservation ten minutes ago.

The table by the window.

Hello, Karen.

Lee, you remember Ben.

Careful, Karen, Lee's got some Hula Hoops in his pocket,

he might try and slip one on your finger.

Why are you and Lee having dinner with different people?

Oh, sometimes it's just nice

to sit opposite a man who can keep his food in his mouth.

Have you had a row?

Is it a day with a Y in it? Why?

Yes. What?

Look, yes, we've had a row, but just keep smiling,

I want him to think we're having fun.

Aren't we? Yes, of course.

Sorry.

How's your mum? Oh, she died last year.

LUCY LAUGHS LOUDLY

Sorry, what?

What the hell is going on here, Lee?

She's trying to make me jealous cos I'm here with you.

And why are you here with me?

Oh, you know, just touching base.

Oh, and which base were you hoping to get to?

I've already told you, Karen,

I'm not interested in you in that way.

He says over a candlelit dinner with me in a restaurant.

If you just made a wish, it's not going to happen.

I'm going to go and order us some wine.

Why don't you take a moment on your own

and think about what I've said?

You need to move on and let me go.

I have moved on.

Can you just sit down so we can order supper?

Oh, it's supper now, is it?

Ah, wind you neck in, Vera Duckworth!

She was pooing all over the house and attacking strangers.

So sad.

I used to really like your mum.

I'm talking about my dog now.

Oh.

Oh, dear, that's a shame.

OK, I think you need to explain what's going on here, Lucy.

I'm starting to think I'm being used.

Maybe I'll ask that waiter to call me a cab.

No, please, stay.

Is this seat taken?

Please tell me you can't see that waiter either.

I bet if Karen had said that you'd have wet yourself.

Oh, Lucy, does it matter?

No...

Of course it doesn't.

It was a long time ago.

We don't need to bear grudges against these people.

It's the same with you and that dickhead.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you about mine and Ben's past.

And I'm sorry I didn't tell you about me and Karen getting engaged,

even though we weren't really because we were just kids

so it doesn't really count.

Sorry, you do realise speed dating's on Thursdays.

So...what would you like?

Shall we just get some chips on the way home?

Yeah.

But you haven't paid for the wine.

Her husband will pay.

There, I have deleted Facebook.

Oh, you've missed Karen's update. then.

She and Ben are getting very friendly.

Ooh, "Bellinis in a French bistro with a gentleman named Benjamin."

She's changed.

I remember when she was anyone's for a can of Diet Coke.

There's a lot to be said for losing touch with people, isn't there?

Oh, I don't know.

You never know when some previous sexual partner

will suddenly reappear.

PHONE RINGS

I can't talk right now, my husband's next to me.

Well, I just wondered if you fancied rekindling the old flame.

You know, some fun, no strings attached,

like the old days.

I'm sorry, I'm married.

I don't do that sort of thing any more.

Oh, shame.

And sorry for reversing the charges.

So, eh...

..if you've just said no to your fancy man,

does that mean your husband's in with a chance?

Ooh, sex or chips -

now that's a dilemma.

You're right, let's finish the chips first.

You are so Northern.

No, I'm not.

We're not going out

Not staying in

Just hanging around with my head in a spin

But there is no need to scream and shout

We're not going out

We are not going out.

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