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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,200 --> 00:00:06,200 We're not going out, not staying in 2 00:00:06,200 --> 00:00:08,960 Just hanging around with my head in a spin 3 00:00:08,960 --> 00:00:12,160 But there is no need to scream and shout 4 00:00:12,160 --> 00:00:15,760 We're not going out 5 00:00:15,760 --> 00:00:18,240 ? We are not going out. ? 6 00:00:23,880 --> 00:00:25,320 Thanks for the lift. 7 00:00:25,320 --> 00:00:27,600 That's OK. It's good to get out of the house. 8 00:00:27,600 --> 00:00:30,920 Anna's got a personal trainer, and I worry if I don't leave them alone, 9 00:00:30,920 --> 00:00:33,200 they might not have an affair. 10 00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:34,560 Oh, good. 11 00:00:34,560 --> 00:00:37,440 My new smartphone's arrived. Bit big, isn't it? 12 00:00:37,440 --> 00:00:39,280 Who'd you buy it from? Dom Joly? 13 00:00:44,800 --> 00:00:48,440 Typical. Apple have changed the headphone socket again. 14 00:00:48,440 --> 00:00:52,320 What the hell is that? Yeah, I know what that is. 15 00:00:52,320 --> 00:00:55,240 What? Don't worry, I'm a doctor. 16 00:00:55,240 --> 00:00:57,360 So? It's nothing to be ashamed of. 17 00:00:58,360 --> 00:01:00,320 Well, can you give me a clue? 18 00:01:00,320 --> 00:01:04,040 OK, it is actually something to be ashamed of. 19 00:01:04,040 --> 00:01:05,720 It's a penis enlarger. 20 00:01:07,440 --> 00:01:08,720 Pardon? 21 00:01:08,720 --> 00:01:11,560 Would you like me to shout it again? 22 00:01:11,560 --> 00:01:13,000 Well, I didn't order this. 23 00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:14,400 It's none of my business. 24 00:01:14,400 --> 00:01:16,800 I'm telling you, I didn't even know what it was! 25 00:01:16,800 --> 00:01:19,520 I thought it was a hamster run. You wouldn't put a hamster in there. 26 00:01:19,520 --> 00:01:21,720 It'll end up the size of a rabbit. 27 00:01:21,720 --> 00:01:24,720 You seem to know a lot about these things.Oh, yes. 28 00:01:24,720 --> 00:01:26,680 How very embarrassing for me. 29 00:01:26,680 --> 00:01:30,320 You're just the man who ordered one to be delivered to his house. 30 00:01:30,320 --> 00:01:32,040 I ordered a phone. 31 00:01:32,040 --> 00:01:33,320 Fair enough. 32 00:01:33,320 --> 00:01:35,760 Maybe it's like when Ocado substitute an item. 33 00:01:35,760 --> 00:01:38,240 "Oh, sorry, we're out of satsumas, 34 00:01:38,240 --> 00:01:41,160 "so we have replaced them with a penis enlargement pump." 35 00:01:43,440 --> 00:01:45,920 I'm telling you, I did not order this thing. 36 00:01:45,920 --> 00:01:47,000 Then who did? 37 00:01:50,080 --> 00:01:51,320 Yeah, that makes sense. 38 00:01:52,480 --> 00:01:55,560 What's this? Is it a hubble-bubble? 39 00:01:55,560 --> 00:01:58,360 What? You know, one of those things you see people smoking 40 00:01:58,360 --> 00:02:00,000 outside Turkish restaurants. 41 00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:01,480 I'd say if there's smoke coming out, 42 00:02:01,480 --> 00:02:03,320 it's probably best to stop using it. 43 00:02:04,640 --> 00:02:06,240 What is it? 44 00:02:06,240 --> 00:02:08,760 It's a penis enlarger.Is it? 45 00:02:11,640 --> 00:02:13,920 You don't need one of those, Lee. 46 00:02:13,920 --> 00:02:15,560 That was a very long pause! 47 00:02:17,280 --> 00:02:20,280 Oh, my God, you didn't open that package, did you?! 48 00:02:20,280 --> 00:02:22,120 Were you saving it for his birthday? 49 00:02:23,120 --> 00:02:25,280 Read the label! 50 00:02:25,280 --> 00:02:28,440 "Monster Max 3, Big Boy Masculinity Enhancer." 51 00:02:29,640 --> 00:02:31,120 The address label! 52 00:02:33,600 --> 00:02:37,040 Mr S Cruikshank, number 27... 53 00:02:38,120 --> 00:02:42,400 Oh.It's for the bloke across the road, you idiot! 54 00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:45,080 He wasn't in, so the delivery guy asked to leave it here. 55 00:02:45,080 --> 00:02:47,680 I was going to take it across to him later. 56 00:02:47,680 --> 00:02:50,360 Well, let's just repackage it. We can't do that. 57 00:02:50,360 --> 00:02:53,000 It's got the name of the delivery company on and everything. 58 00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:55,000 It even had a seal. 59 00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:58,360 Now he's going to know that we've seen...that! 60 00:02:59,720 --> 00:03:02,760 Well, at least now you've got quite the ice-breaker. 61 00:03:02,760 --> 00:03:06,000 Good idea. Play naive and say you think it's for breaking ice. 62 00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:09,160 I'm not telling him anything! YOU are! You opened it! 63 00:03:09,160 --> 00:03:11,400 Well, I can't give it to him. I don't know him. 64 00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:14,200 I don't even know what he looks like.Oh, you can't miss him. 65 00:03:14,200 --> 00:03:16,760 He lives across the road and has a very small penis. 66 00:03:18,800 --> 00:03:20,360 Look, his car's back. 67 00:03:20,360 --> 00:03:23,440 Off you go. Oh! Why can't you just do it? 68 00:03:23,440 --> 00:03:25,640 Because he is the man who moved in six months ago 69 00:03:25,640 --> 00:03:27,000 with his young family, Lee. 70 00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:30,200 The man who I see in the school playground pretty much every day 71 00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:32,920 and who I still properly haven't said hello to. 72 00:03:32,920 --> 00:03:35,040 So until Mumsnet do discussion on how to overcome 73 00:03:35,040 --> 00:03:38,760 the social awkwardness of passing over penis enlargers, I'm stumped! 74 00:03:40,160 --> 00:03:42,440 What am I supposed to say to him? 75 00:03:42,440 --> 00:03:44,840 This is your problem, mister. You deal with it. 76 00:03:44,840 --> 00:03:47,400 That's a bit blunt. What about, "It's not the size of the boat, 77 00:03:47,400 --> 00:03:49,600 "it's the motion of the ocean"? 78 00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:52,200 There is no way I am taking this to him. 79 00:03:52,200 --> 00:03:53,640 Well, someone's got to. 80 00:03:57,040 --> 00:03:58,160 Bye. 81 00:04:00,520 --> 00:04:01,680 I've got an idea. 82 00:04:03,880 --> 00:04:06,400 Kids!Don't you dare! 83 00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:08,680 Sort it out, now! 84 00:04:39,080 --> 00:04:43,480 Hi.Hello.I'm Lee from across the road there. 85 00:04:43,480 --> 00:04:46,840 Oh, right! I've been meaning to say hello since we moved in. 86 00:04:46,840 --> 00:04:49,960 Me too. How long is it now? 87 00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:52,160 I mean, since you moved in! 88 00:04:52,160 --> 00:04:55,760 Six months. Oh. OK. Good. 89 00:04:59,320 --> 00:05:01,520 Settling in all right? 90 00:05:01,520 --> 00:05:04,040 Oh, you know, usual stresses - 91 00:05:04,040 --> 00:05:05,680 trying to sort out an extension. 92 00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:10,440 Do you want to come in, have a cup of tea? 93 00:05:10,440 --> 00:05:12,640 Erm, no, I won't impose. 94 00:05:12,640 --> 00:05:14,960 I just, um, wanted to say that we had a... 95 00:05:14,960 --> 00:05:16,640 ..a package delivered today. 96 00:05:16,640 --> 00:05:17,840 Oh, right. 97 00:05:17,840 --> 00:05:20,320 Hello.This is Lee from over the road. 98 00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:22,040 Oh, hello, I'm Catherine.Hello! 99 00:05:24,800 --> 00:05:27,320 So, uh, you liking the area? 100 00:05:27,320 --> 00:05:29,040 Oh, yeah, we love it. 101 00:05:29,040 --> 00:05:31,920 Our last place was a bit more central, but Stuart's been wanting 102 00:05:31,920 --> 00:05:33,280 to go bigger for a while now. 103 00:05:33,280 --> 00:05:34,440 I have, yeah. 104 00:05:35,760 --> 00:05:38,640 And everyone seems very friendly around here.Oh, yeah, yeah. 105 00:05:38,640 --> 00:05:41,760 There's no airs and graces around here. Nobody judges you. 106 00:05:41,760 --> 00:05:43,800 Some of the things I get up to... 107 00:05:43,800 --> 00:05:45,600 Yeah, make a hooker blush. 108 00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:51,840 Anyway, like I was saying, we, uh, took in a package today. 109 00:05:52,960 --> 00:05:54,560 Oh! 110 00:05:54,560 --> 00:05:57,480 And here come the kids. Anyone else saying hello? 111 00:05:57,480 --> 00:06:00,280 Actually, we've got my parents staying. Mum? Dad? 112 00:06:00,280 --> 00:06:02,280 Come and meet our neighbour. 113 00:06:02,280 --> 00:06:03,960 I should probably be going. 114 00:06:03,960 --> 00:06:06,000 I don't want to impose on your private life. 115 00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:07,600 Family life! 116 00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:10,520 Who cares about your private life? Not me. 117 00:06:10,520 --> 00:06:11,680 Shall we take that? 118 00:06:13,400 --> 00:06:15,080 BOTH: Hello. 119 00:06:15,080 --> 00:06:16,280 Hello! 120 00:06:18,040 --> 00:06:20,720 You said you'd taken in a package? 121 00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:22,600 Yes. I did. 122 00:06:23,680 --> 00:06:25,680 And it was for me. 123 00:06:25,680 --> 00:06:27,920 Yeah. Bloke knocked on the door, 124 00:06:27,920 --> 00:06:31,160 said, "I've got a package for you," and I took it in. 125 00:06:31,160 --> 00:06:32,760 It went really smoothly. 126 00:06:34,920 --> 00:06:38,680 Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that, uh, 127 00:06:38,680 --> 00:06:40,560 that's what it's like around here. 128 00:06:40,560 --> 00:06:43,320 Really good for deliveries. 129 00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:47,480 I would highly recommend getting stuff delivered. 130 00:06:49,440 --> 00:06:50,680 Anything interesting? 131 00:06:52,560 --> 00:06:55,200 Just my...hubba-bubba. 132 00:06:55,200 --> 00:06:56,680 I mean hubble-bubble. 133 00:06:56,680 --> 00:06:58,680 You know, the Turkish bong. 134 00:07:00,280 --> 00:07:03,480 Sorry, kids, no bubble gum today. 135 00:07:03,480 --> 00:07:06,040 But you can have a blast on my ganja pipe. 136 00:07:07,520 --> 00:07:09,520 As I say, no-one judges you round here. 137 00:07:16,480 --> 00:07:18,680 Very spacious, these houses, aren't they? 138 00:07:20,160 --> 00:07:21,880 Anyway... 139 00:07:21,880 --> 00:07:24,920 ..I just wanted to meet you guys, say hello 140 00:07:24,920 --> 00:07:28,520 and let you know that deliveries around here go really smoothly. 141 00:07:31,320 --> 00:07:33,120 I should get going. 142 00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:34,760 This isn't going to suck itself. 143 00:07:37,560 --> 00:07:38,800 Bye! 144 00:07:48,920 --> 00:07:51,120 How did it go? Oh, yeah, fine. 145 00:07:51,120 --> 00:07:53,960 I met him, his wife, the kid, the other kid, 146 00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:56,200 his dad, his mum, the dog, 147 00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:59,320 and I think there might actually be a great-granny in the attic 148 00:07:59,320 --> 00:08:01,280 still on the way downstairs to meet me. 149 00:08:04,520 --> 00:08:06,320 Why have you still got that?! 150 00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:07,840 Did he say you could borrow it? 151 00:08:09,400 --> 00:08:10,800 Why do you think I've still got it? 152 00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:12,960 There were three generations of his family there. 153 00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:15,680 Do you remember that episode of The Waltons where John-Boy orders 154 00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:18,680 a penis enlarger and then everyone gathers around to watch him open it? 155 00:08:18,680 --> 00:08:20,080 It's really awkward. 156 00:08:21,560 --> 00:08:24,400 We are forgetting the whole thing and binning it. 157 00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:26,320 We can't just get rid of it! 158 00:08:26,320 --> 00:08:28,080 I signed for that! 159 00:08:28,080 --> 00:08:29,560 What did you do that for? 160 00:08:29,560 --> 00:08:32,280 Because that's what normal people do when taking in a package 161 00:08:32,280 --> 00:08:33,840 for someone else, Lee. 162 00:08:33,840 --> 00:08:36,640 What they don't do is start tearing the wrapping like a hyperactive 163 00:08:36,640 --> 00:08:40,520 four-year-old playing pass the parcel in Ann Summers. 164 00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:44,040 But now he will definitely find out that we've got it!Exactly. 165 00:08:45,440 --> 00:08:49,080 Take it back and give it to him, right now. 166 00:08:49,080 --> 00:08:52,280 I can't do that because I just specifically told him 167 00:08:52,280 --> 00:08:55,240 that we didn't take a package in for him. 168 00:08:56,640 --> 00:09:00,920 You knocked on his door to tell him we hadn't taken in a package? 169 00:09:00,920 --> 00:09:03,400 Sort of.Right. 170 00:09:03,400 --> 00:09:06,120 And did you also let him know we weren't having a barbecue next week 171 00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:07,920 in case he didn't fancy coming? 172 00:09:09,320 --> 00:09:11,720 What are we going to do when he comes to the house saying 173 00:09:11,720 --> 00:09:14,560 that he's been told the package is here? 174 00:09:14,560 --> 00:09:16,120 We'll buy a new one. 175 00:09:16,120 --> 00:09:18,200 What, a new house? 176 00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:20,240 Actually, that might be a simpler idea. 177 00:09:22,200 --> 00:09:25,840 We get online and we order exactly the same device 178 00:09:25,840 --> 00:09:27,680 with next-day delivery. 179 00:09:27,680 --> 00:09:30,120 We're going to buy another penis enlarger? 180 00:09:30,120 --> 00:09:31,640 That's the plan? 181 00:09:31,640 --> 00:09:34,400 When it arrives, we don't open the packaging. 182 00:09:34,400 --> 00:09:36,200 This is brilliant. 183 00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:38,760 If only we'd have thought of this with the first one. 184 00:09:38,760 --> 00:09:41,520 Instead, we transfer the label from the first one 185 00:09:41,520 --> 00:09:44,360 on to the new unopened one and take that one over. 186 00:09:44,360 --> 00:09:47,240 That way, he gets his delivery in a sealed package 187 00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:51,160 with his address on it, and he won't have the tiniest inkling. 188 00:09:51,160 --> 00:09:53,880 Well, not after he's used the pump, he won't! 189 00:09:53,880 --> 00:09:56,320 Well, what if he's phoning the delivery company right now 190 00:09:56,320 --> 00:09:57,960 and asking where it is? 191 00:09:57,960 --> 00:10:00,240 He won't be that impatient for it, will he? 192 00:10:00,240 --> 00:10:03,040 Well, maybe he ordered it yesterday on next-day delivery. 193 00:10:03,040 --> 00:10:05,840 Who orders a penis pump with next-day delivery? 194 00:10:05,840 --> 00:10:08,640 Yeah. What kind of weirdo does that? 195 00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:09,800 Maybe he needed it in a hurry 196 00:10:09,800 --> 00:10:12,520 because he accidentally opened his neighbour's one! 197 00:10:14,560 --> 00:10:17,760 All right, I'll go over there now and stall him from phoning 198 00:10:17,760 --> 00:10:19,600 the delivery company, then I'll come back 199 00:10:19,600 --> 00:10:22,400 and I'll order the penis enlarger to arrive tomorrow. 200 00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:24,520 What are you going to say to him? 201 00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:27,280 I'm going to do what any decent man does in a difficult situation. 202 00:10:27,280 --> 00:10:28,360 What's that? 203 00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:29,720 I'm going to blame my wife. 204 00:10:41,400 --> 00:10:44,120 Hello, it's me again.Hi. 205 00:10:44,120 --> 00:10:46,600 Do you want that cup of tea after all? 206 00:10:46,600 --> 00:10:48,080 Won't it be cold by now? 207 00:10:50,880 --> 00:10:53,160 Look, you know that story I just told you 208 00:10:53,160 --> 00:10:57,080 about taking in the package? Have you come to tell us another one? 209 00:10:57,080 --> 00:10:59,280 Turns out I was mistaken. 210 00:10:59,280 --> 00:11:01,960 I've literally just been told by my wife that, apparently, 211 00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:03,680 she did take a package in for you. 212 00:11:03,680 --> 00:11:05,760 Oh, right. Great. 213 00:11:08,160 --> 00:11:09,960 So, can I have it, then? 214 00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:11,000 No. 215 00:11:12,240 --> 00:11:13,520 Right. 216 00:11:13,520 --> 00:11:15,520 Because? 217 00:11:15,520 --> 00:11:18,600 Because the thing is, um, she signed for it 218 00:11:18,600 --> 00:11:21,680 just as she was leaving the house, 219 00:11:21,680 --> 00:11:23,480 and because she was in a rush, 220 00:11:23,480 --> 00:11:26,080 she popped it in the car and she drove to work with it. 221 00:11:27,720 --> 00:11:29,160 I see. 222 00:11:29,160 --> 00:11:31,160 But she's back home now, is she? 223 00:11:31,160 --> 00:11:33,200 No. Oh? 224 00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:35,200 Is that not her car on the driveway? 225 00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:37,360 Yes, that's her car, 226 00:11:37,360 --> 00:11:40,080 but that one's broken down and she's driving a rental one 227 00:11:40,080 --> 00:11:42,480 at the moment whilst we're waiting for that one to come back 228 00:11:42,480 --> 00:11:45,880 from the garage. To be towed to the garage. 229 00:11:45,880 --> 00:11:48,440 Right. Gotcha.Yes. 230 00:11:48,440 --> 00:11:51,000 I've only ever seen that one car on your driveway. 231 00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:54,480 She's been parking the rental one round the corner.Oh, right. 232 00:11:56,040 --> 00:11:58,320 Why? I don't know. 233 00:11:58,320 --> 00:12:00,000 She's funny like that. 234 00:12:00,000 --> 00:12:02,680 She doesn't want the neighbours thinking we've got two cars. 235 00:12:02,680 --> 00:12:04,080 They're like that around here. 236 00:12:04,080 --> 00:12:06,760 You smoke a Turkish bong, they don't bat an eyelid. 237 00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:08,240 But if you've got an extra car, 238 00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:10,920 people think you're trying to melt the polar ice caps. 239 00:12:13,120 --> 00:12:15,920 OK, no problem. I'll pop round for it this evening. 240 00:12:15,920 --> 00:12:18,480 Actually, it'll be tomorrow, if that's OK. 241 00:12:18,480 --> 00:12:21,200 She's at her parents' house.Right. 242 00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:23,160 I thought you said she was at work. 243 00:12:23,160 --> 00:12:25,320 Yeah, she works at her parents' house. 244 00:12:25,320 --> 00:12:27,200 Yeah, they run a small hotel. 245 00:12:27,200 --> 00:12:30,400 Didn't you just say that she told you about the package just now? 246 00:12:33,280 --> 00:12:34,840 Did she phone you up? 247 00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:37,600 Yeah, she phoned me up to tell me that she got the package 248 00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:39,440 that she put in the car, the rental car 249 00:12:39,440 --> 00:12:41,160 that she parks round the corner, 250 00:12:41,160 --> 00:12:43,960 that she drove to work in at her parents' hotel 251 00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:46,200 and then rang to tell me that she got the package 252 00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:47,600 that you can have tomorrow. 253 00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:50,040 Great. 254 00:12:51,360 --> 00:12:52,600 Who's that in your window? 255 00:12:52,600 --> 00:12:55,320 She's got an identical twin sister. 256 00:12:55,320 --> 00:12:56,800 I think it's one of your kids. 257 00:12:58,000 --> 00:13:00,240 Yeah, that's one of my kids. Yeah. 258 00:13:00,240 --> 00:13:01,880 No, I was just making small talk, 259 00:13:01,880 --> 00:13:04,200 telling you that she's got an identical twin sister 260 00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:05,960 that helps at the hotel. 261 00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:08,440 It's funny the things that happen as a result. 262 00:13:08,440 --> 00:13:10,800 HE CHUCKLES 263 00:13:08,440 --> 00:13:10,800 I bet. 264 00:13:10,800 --> 00:13:11,960 Like what? 265 00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:16,360 Like the other day someone said, 266 00:13:16,360 --> 00:13:18,680 "Can I have that coffee I ordered from you?" 267 00:13:18,680 --> 00:13:21,000 And she said, "Oh, I think that was my sister." 268 00:13:23,960 --> 00:13:25,600 It's a great story. 269 00:13:27,360 --> 00:13:30,560 Anyway, I'm sorry about the delay with your parcel. 270 00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:34,080 No problem. You know the expression - all good things come... 271 00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:35,840 In small packages. ..to those who wait. 272 00:13:35,840 --> 00:13:37,320 To those who wait! 273 00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:40,520 Bye! 274 00:13:54,240 --> 00:13:56,360 Morning. 275 00:13:56,360 --> 00:13:58,080 What time's the delivery getting here? 276 00:13:58,080 --> 00:14:01,680 I don't know, it just said next day, so I suppose it could be any time. 277 00:14:01,680 --> 00:14:04,440 Whoa! Don't let the neighbours see you. 278 00:14:04,440 --> 00:14:06,560 You're supposed to be working at your mum and dad's, 279 00:14:06,560 --> 00:14:09,520 helping run their B&B with your identical twin sister. 280 00:14:09,520 --> 00:14:12,400 And we need to get our car towed off the driveway as soon as possible, 281 00:14:12,400 --> 00:14:15,400 even though there's nothing wrong with it. 282 00:14:15,400 --> 00:14:18,200 Don't worry - when all this is over there'll be a debriefing. 283 00:14:18,200 --> 00:14:19,560 DOORBELL RINGS 284 00:14:22,080 --> 00:14:23,880 Got a delivery.Great. 285 00:14:26,160 --> 00:14:29,240 I don't know if you know what this is or not, but... 286 00:14:29,240 --> 00:14:31,760 ..it's not for me. Isn't it? 287 00:14:31,760 --> 00:14:33,440 No.Oh. 288 00:14:34,680 --> 00:14:35,920 I mean, it is for me. 289 00:14:35,920 --> 00:14:38,600 I'm sorry, if there's been mistake, I can't let you have it. 290 00:14:38,600 --> 00:14:41,240 What? Oh, for God's sake. 291 00:14:41,240 --> 00:14:43,880 Hello, there. Sorry about my husband's behaviour, 292 00:14:43,880 --> 00:14:47,440 but he's a little embarrassed about what's inside the package. 293 00:14:47,440 --> 00:14:49,640 It's a penis enlarger. 294 00:14:49,640 --> 00:14:52,160 He didn't want you to know because he doesn't want people 295 00:14:52,160 --> 00:14:54,880 finding out about his little tiny micropenis. 296 00:14:57,760 --> 00:14:59,400 That's right, isn't it, darling? 297 00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:01,960 Yep. 298 00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:10,920 What would I do without you, princess? 299 00:15:10,920 --> 00:15:13,040 Swap the address labels over, 300 00:15:13,040 --> 00:15:14,920 and do it carefully. 301 00:15:14,920 --> 00:15:17,080 Oh, the tweezers for the label, is it? 302 00:15:17,080 --> 00:15:18,880 I thought it was in case I needed a pee. 303 00:15:29,400 --> 00:15:31,480 I should start giving you loyalty stamps. 304 00:15:32,760 --> 00:15:34,400 Lucy's finally home. 305 00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:35,840 Are you sure it's her? 306 00:15:35,840 --> 00:15:38,440 What? You know, her twin sister. 307 00:15:38,440 --> 00:15:40,560 Oh, right, yes. 308 00:15:40,560 --> 00:15:41,800 Good one. 309 00:15:42,880 --> 00:15:45,720 So, I've got your package from yesterday.Great. 310 00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:49,640 Everything all right over at your place? 311 00:15:49,640 --> 00:15:50,920 Yeah. Why? 312 00:15:50,920 --> 00:15:53,040 Oh, nothing. I just noticed your curtains have been drawn 313 00:15:53,040 --> 00:15:54,280 since yesterday afternoon. 314 00:15:54,280 --> 00:15:57,120 Just checking you weren't ill or anything. 315 00:15:58,640 --> 00:16:00,200 No, no. All fine. 316 00:16:01,320 --> 00:16:05,080 You know what it's like, sometimes you just want your curtains closed. 317 00:16:05,080 --> 00:16:06,600 Or at least I hope you do. 318 00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:10,400 Cup of tea? 319 00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:13,280 No, you're all right. I've just had one. 320 00:16:13,280 --> 00:16:15,320 Don't want overstimulate myself. 321 00:16:15,320 --> 00:16:16,960 What? Nothing. 322 00:16:24,840 --> 00:16:27,480 Well? I think he bought it. 323 00:16:27,480 --> 00:16:29,280 No, Lee, we bought it, 324 00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:31,920 which is throwing up some fascinating targeted advertising 325 00:16:31,920 --> 00:16:33,200 on our laptop. 326 00:16:34,760 --> 00:16:35,800 Oh... 327 00:16:36,800 --> 00:16:38,520 I assume that's disposable. 328 00:16:38,520 --> 00:16:41,320 No. You wash it afterwards, then use it again. 329 00:16:42,560 --> 00:16:43,960 Eurgh! 330 00:16:46,560 --> 00:16:48,480 Anyway, the upshot... 331 00:16:48,480 --> 00:16:49,720 Show me that again. 332 00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:54,280 What is the matter with people? 333 00:16:56,040 --> 00:16:57,480 Anyway, the good news is, 334 00:16:57,480 --> 00:16:59,720 as far as that bloke's concerned over the road, 335 00:16:59,720 --> 00:17:01,520 me and you are completely unaware 336 00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:04,280 that I have just handed him a penis enlarger. 337 00:17:04,280 --> 00:17:07,680 And you have permission to leave the house if you like. 338 00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:10,320 I only hope our daughter finds a husband like you one day. 339 00:17:11,360 --> 00:17:12,400 DOORBELL RINGS 340 00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:13,840 Is that him? 341 00:17:13,840 --> 00:17:17,040 If it is, just stay calm and don't mention penis enlargers. 342 00:17:17,040 --> 00:17:20,000 I've genuinely forgotten what else there is to talk about. 343 00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:23,440 Oh, it's just you. 344 00:17:24,560 --> 00:17:26,680 I know you're not a man hugger, 345 00:17:26,680 --> 00:17:28,440 but can you perhaps meet halfway? 346 00:17:29,680 --> 00:17:32,560 I was just curious what happened yesterday 347 00:17:32,560 --> 00:17:34,760 with that willy stretcher thing. 348 00:17:34,760 --> 00:17:36,600 Are you definitely a real doctor? 349 00:17:38,080 --> 00:17:39,920 It's fine. It's all sorted. 350 00:17:41,160 --> 00:17:42,200 Right. 351 00:17:43,680 --> 00:17:46,200 That's the first one. We bought another one. 352 00:17:46,200 --> 00:17:49,520 Well, you can never have too many penis enlargers. 353 00:17:49,520 --> 00:17:51,160 It's not mine. 354 00:17:57,840 --> 00:18:00,080 Delivery for you, mate. For me? 355 00:18:01,840 --> 00:18:04,880 It's got my name and address on it. Yeah, that's how it works. 356 00:18:06,440 --> 00:18:08,000 Are you sure it's for you? 357 00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:10,280 We don't need you opening a consignment of butt-plugs 358 00:18:10,280 --> 00:18:11,640 addressed to the vicarage. 359 00:18:13,080 --> 00:18:14,320 Joke. 360 00:18:14,320 --> 00:18:16,560 It's probably just another penis enlarger. 361 00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:19,960 I've not got a small penis. 362 00:18:27,880 --> 00:18:29,960 Oh, my God. It IS another penis enlarger. 363 00:18:31,040 --> 00:18:33,160 It's not bloody mine. 364 00:18:33,160 --> 00:18:35,480 Don't tell me, this is your neighbours, as well. 365 00:18:35,480 --> 00:18:38,560 He's just discovered he's got a third penis. 366 00:18:38,560 --> 00:18:41,160 This must be the one we ordered online yesterday. 367 00:18:41,160 --> 00:18:43,200 So, what did you just take across the road? 368 00:18:44,640 --> 00:18:46,080 Oh, my God! 369 00:18:46,080 --> 00:18:49,360 I've just given our neighbour my 600 quid smartphone. 370 00:18:49,360 --> 00:18:51,000 Oops. 371 00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:52,800 Right, enough is enough! 372 00:18:52,800 --> 00:18:54,760 I'm going to tell him the truth and swap these back. 373 00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:56,960 No, you're not. This is good. 374 00:18:56,960 --> 00:18:58,120 Why? 375 00:18:58,120 --> 00:19:00,360 Because when he opens up that package and finds a brand-new 376 00:19:00,360 --> 00:19:03,040 �600 smartphone, he's probably going to keep quiet 377 00:19:03,040 --> 00:19:04,800 and be glad with his windfall. 378 00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:07,000 And what about his missing penis enlarger? 379 00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:08,360 Well, they're less than 20 quid. 380 00:19:08,360 --> 00:19:11,400 He'll probably just order another one.If there are any left. 381 00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:14,320 I've heard that demand for these things has really spiked recently. 382 00:19:15,600 --> 00:19:17,400 We're probably now in the clear. 383 00:19:17,400 --> 00:19:18,800 It's problem solved. 384 00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:21,680 Problem solved? He's got my phone. 385 00:19:21,680 --> 00:19:23,520 Well, you'll just have to let that go. 386 00:19:24,640 --> 00:19:27,480 Lee, promise me you're not going back over to that house. 387 00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:32,760 All right, I promise. 388 00:19:32,760 --> 00:19:33,960 Good. 389 00:19:33,960 --> 00:19:35,320 Because Toby's going to do it. 390 00:19:38,800 --> 00:19:40,560 You know you once said you'd help me out 391 00:19:40,560 --> 00:19:41,720 if I was ever in a tight spot? 392 00:19:41,720 --> 00:19:44,800 No, I have never said that in my life. 393 00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:46,960 Look, all you've got to do is knock on the door, 394 00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:48,720 say you're from the delivery company, 395 00:19:48,720 --> 00:19:51,240 and that there was a mix-up with the package that I delivered earlier 396 00:19:51,240 --> 00:19:53,240 and you need to swap it for this one. 397 00:19:53,240 --> 00:19:57,040 Well, what about the fact it's not wrapped in the proper packaging? 398 00:19:57,040 --> 00:19:58,240 Oh, I don't know. 399 00:19:58,240 --> 00:20:01,840 Just say it got destroyed at the sex shop. How? 400 00:20:01,840 --> 00:20:04,480 I don't care. Say it was a Rottweiler dressed as a gimp. 401 00:20:04,480 --> 00:20:05,920 Just get me my phone back! 402 00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:10,800 Forget it, Lee. There is no way I am ringing that doorbell. 403 00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:13,560 OK. 404 00:20:13,560 --> 00:20:15,040 I understand. 405 00:20:15,040 --> 00:20:16,120 I'll do it. 406 00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:21,640 Can I help you? 407 00:20:24,040 --> 00:20:27,080 IN COCKNEY ACCENT: All right, mate. Sorry to bother you. 408 00:20:28,320 --> 00:20:31,200 See, I'm the delivery driver that dropped that package off 409 00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:34,800 with that shonky muppet of a neighbour of yours. 410 00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:37,800 Thing is, there's been a bit of a cock up, 411 00:20:37,800 --> 00:20:40,000 no pun intended. 412 00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:42,760 Sorry? You got the wrong package. 413 00:20:42,760 --> 00:20:44,880 This one's yours, geezer. 414 00:20:44,880 --> 00:20:49,280 What's going on? What's going on is I need to swap them. 415 00:20:49,280 --> 00:20:51,800 Straight up. I'm not mugging you off, like. 416 00:20:53,160 --> 00:20:54,360 But you're my doctor. 417 00:20:57,520 --> 00:20:58,920 What, guv? 418 00:20:58,920 --> 00:21:01,600 I had a hospital appointment with you six weeks ago. 419 00:21:02,800 --> 00:21:03,920 Oh, right. 420 00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:06,080 I see. 421 00:21:07,640 --> 00:21:10,440 How are things, pal? Everything clearing up? 422 00:21:12,520 --> 00:21:15,120 What's happened? You've not been struck off, have you? 423 00:21:15,120 --> 00:21:17,200 Oh, no, nothing like that, geezer. 424 00:21:17,200 --> 00:21:19,600 So, why are you delivering parcels? 425 00:21:19,600 --> 00:21:21,160 Gives you extra dosh, innit? 426 00:21:21,160 --> 00:21:24,400 Under funding of the NHS and all that, I'm brassic, mate. 427 00:21:25,480 --> 00:21:26,960 Why the fake voice? 428 00:21:29,440 --> 00:21:31,480 Actually, this is my real voice. 429 00:21:31,480 --> 00:21:33,440 It's the doctor voice that's fake. 430 00:21:33,440 --> 00:21:36,200 I can't hardly talk like this in the hospital, can I? 431 00:21:36,200 --> 00:21:39,040 People might lose confidence if they hear me saying, 432 00:21:39,040 --> 00:21:41,760 "Sorry, love, your juicy Lucys are going to need the once over 433 00:21:41,760 --> 00:21:44,600 "but I reckon a bit of cream and everything will be pukka." 434 00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:48,480 Something feels very odd about all this. 435 00:21:48,480 --> 00:21:51,320 I know. I'm sure it all feels a bit mental and all that, 436 00:21:51,320 --> 00:21:54,800 but, like I say, guv, mix up at the warehouse, 437 00:21:54,800 --> 00:21:56,600 so if you give us the other parcel 438 00:21:56,600 --> 00:21:58,960 then I'll get back in me...jam jar. 439 00:21:58,960 --> 00:22:02,440 You're telling me you need to subsidise your income as a doctor. 440 00:22:02,440 --> 00:22:04,400 STARTLED SCREAMS 441 00:22:05,800 --> 00:22:07,200 Love a duck! 442 00:22:09,440 --> 00:22:10,800 What are you doing in my house? 443 00:22:10,800 --> 00:22:12,080 Erm... 444 00:22:12,080 --> 00:22:14,480 Oh, God, it's happening again. 445 00:22:14,480 --> 00:22:17,760 At least this time I'm fully clothed. 446 00:22:17,760 --> 00:22:19,840 What are you doing in my house? 447 00:22:19,840 --> 00:22:22,080 Yeah, what are you doing in his house? 448 00:22:22,080 --> 00:22:24,600 What are you doing in my house? 449 00:22:24,600 --> 00:22:26,600 Do you know this guy? Yeah. 450 00:22:26,600 --> 00:22:29,120 He's the doctor who delivers packages. 451 00:22:29,120 --> 00:22:31,160 He's not a delivery driver. 452 00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:32,960 What?! 453 00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:35,080 You owe us all an explanation, mate. 454 00:22:35,080 --> 00:22:36,360 What's going on? 455 00:22:39,400 --> 00:22:42,000 I think I would like that cup of tea after all. 456 00:22:42,000 --> 00:22:43,080 Lovely jubbly! 457 00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:47,960 NORMAL VOICE: Earl Grey would be marvellous. 458 00:22:53,800 --> 00:22:55,200 DOORBELL RINGS 459 00:22:57,240 --> 00:22:58,840 Hello. 460 00:22:58,840 --> 00:23:02,760 If you say the word "delivery," I may start attacking you. 461 00:23:02,760 --> 00:23:05,720 Funnily enough, I have come about a deliv... 462 00:23:05,720 --> 00:23:08,840 Package. I'm from across the road. 463 00:23:08,840 --> 00:23:11,600 I believe you took something in for me yesterday. 464 00:23:11,600 --> 00:23:15,200 Sorry? I'm Stephen from number 27. 465 00:23:15,200 --> 00:23:17,320 I got one of these notes through yesterday. 466 00:23:18,640 --> 00:23:20,840 Mr S Cruickshank. 467 00:23:20,840 --> 00:23:23,280 Yeah, I'm renting the flat on the top floor 468 00:23:23,280 --> 00:23:24,720 above Stuart and Catherine's. 469 00:23:28,200 --> 00:23:29,760 Oh, God. 470 00:23:29,760 --> 00:23:32,200 This is all just a silly misunderstanding. 471 00:23:33,600 --> 00:23:35,440 Can I just have my package back? 472 00:23:35,440 --> 00:23:37,200 There's a �600 phone in there. 473 00:23:37,200 --> 00:23:39,200 It's not your package. 474 00:23:39,200 --> 00:23:40,600 It's not your package. 475 00:23:40,600 --> 00:23:42,480 I know. That's why I haven't opened it. 476 00:23:42,480 --> 00:23:44,960 I don't open things that aren't for me. 477 00:23:44,960 --> 00:23:47,280 Oh, I see. 478 00:23:47,280 --> 00:23:50,800 What? Now you know there's a phone in there you want to keep it. 479 00:23:50,800 --> 00:23:53,200 Oh, so I'm the bad guy? 480 00:23:53,200 --> 00:23:55,960 I'm not the one who got Dr Dick Van Dyke here 481 00:23:55,960 --> 00:23:58,720 to pose as a fake delivery driver. 482 00:23:58,720 --> 00:24:00,320 Look... 483 00:24:00,320 --> 00:24:03,960 Why don't we just swap them back and that'll be the end of it? 484 00:24:03,960 --> 00:24:06,560 Swap what? I don't know what that is. 485 00:24:06,560 --> 00:24:08,240 I think you do.No, I don't. 486 00:24:11,160 --> 00:24:13,160 Do you really want me to do this? 487 00:24:13,160 --> 00:24:15,120 DOOR OPENS 488 00:24:15,120 --> 00:24:17,240 Oh, great. 489 00:24:17,240 --> 00:24:19,360 Here's the audience. All I need now is a drum roll. 490 00:24:21,440 --> 00:24:22,800 OK. 491 00:24:23,880 --> 00:24:25,240 Well, you asked for it. 492 00:24:29,720 --> 00:24:32,560 I believe you ordered this. 493 00:24:32,560 --> 00:24:35,200 What is it? Does she not know? 494 00:24:35,200 --> 00:24:37,400 "Does she not know?" I don't know. 495 00:24:37,400 --> 00:24:39,840 Do you really want me to tell everybody what this is? 496 00:24:39,840 --> 00:24:41,200 Yes, please. 497 00:24:43,160 --> 00:24:44,680 OK. 498 00:24:44,680 --> 00:24:47,800 Then you leave me no option but to say two words to you. 499 00:24:49,360 --> 00:24:50,840 Penis enlarger. 500 00:24:56,240 --> 00:24:57,920 What? 501 00:24:57,920 --> 00:24:59,840 Penis enlarger. 502 00:24:59,840 --> 00:25:03,080 You use it to enlarge your penis. 503 00:25:06,240 --> 00:25:08,640 If you say so.Oh, I do say so. 504 00:25:08,640 --> 00:25:10,360 I'm quite the expert on them now. 505 00:25:10,360 --> 00:25:12,200 Right. 506 00:25:12,200 --> 00:25:14,440 And why are you showing me this? I didn't order this. 507 00:25:14,440 --> 00:25:15,880 Oh, I know you didn't. 508 00:25:15,880 --> 00:25:18,000 I ordered it and I paid for it. 509 00:25:18,000 --> 00:25:21,960 Oh, I see. Well, thank you, but I don't want it. 510 00:25:21,960 --> 00:25:24,680 Well, you're having it. I got it for you. 511 00:25:24,680 --> 00:25:27,360 Maybe next time just bake us a cake. 512 00:25:27,360 --> 00:25:29,000 Honestly, I don't want it. 513 00:25:29,000 --> 00:25:31,960 Well, I don't want it. I've already got one at home. 514 00:25:31,960 --> 00:25:33,880 Now I know why your curtains are always drawn. 515 00:25:36,320 --> 00:25:38,000 Sorry to intrude. 516 00:25:38,000 --> 00:25:39,440 I'm Lucy. 517 00:25:39,440 --> 00:25:41,240 Are you his wife? 518 00:25:41,240 --> 00:25:43,440 For the time being. 519 00:25:43,440 --> 00:25:47,400 Do all your family let themselves into other people's houses? 520 00:25:47,400 --> 00:25:50,640 Hi. And they keep coming, don't they? 521 00:25:50,640 --> 00:25:52,600 Have we all met? 522 00:25:52,600 --> 00:25:54,720 This is Stephen from the upstairs flat. 523 00:25:56,680 --> 00:26:00,840 Stephen, this is Lee, who's giving away complimentary penis enlargers. 524 00:26:00,840 --> 00:26:04,280 This is his friend who, actually, I'm not 100% sure what he does, 525 00:26:04,280 --> 00:26:07,000 but if he holds your testicles and asks you to cough, be wary. 526 00:26:09,400 --> 00:26:11,840 Stephen just popped over to collect the package 527 00:26:11,840 --> 00:26:13,200 that was delivered yesterday. 528 00:26:14,680 --> 00:26:17,040 The one that was supposed to be for him. 529 00:26:27,040 --> 00:26:29,120 Welcome to the street. 530 00:26:29,120 --> 00:26:30,520 We got you this. 531 00:26:39,320 --> 00:26:43,400 We're not going out, not staying in 532 00:26:43,400 --> 00:26:46,320 Just hanging around with my head in a spin 533 00:26:46,320 --> 00:26:49,320 But there is no need to scream and shout 534 00:26:49,320 --> 00:26:52,520 We're not going out 535 00:26:52,520 --> 00:26:56,040 ? We are not going out. ? 536 00:26:56,090 --> 00:27:00,640 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 40414

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