Original subtitles

We're not going out

Not staying in

Just hanging around With my head in a spin

But there is no need to scream and shout

We're not going out

We are not going out.

How are you getting on at your mum and dad's?

They're treating me like I'm ten years old again. Oh, yeah?

Sending you out to buy fags

and making you pretend to the bailiffs that they're not in?

We had very different childhoods, didn't we?

This is what it'd be like if we got divorced.

What? You in the house and me at my parents' with the kids?

You must know a good lawyer.

Did you have a proper go at this kitchen fitter

for going over the deadline?

I know how you hate confrontation.

That's not true.

Well, whenever you get a dodgy meal, you never complain.

I know, but you do your best.

I mean in restaurants!

Oh. HE CHUCKLES

Why don't we just go with the fitters

that Anna and Toby recommended?

Because you pay these building companies by the length of the name.

Why would we want to pay Marcus Fothergill Brightwaters Elite Kitchen Solutions

when we can pay a bloke called Dave?

I'm going insane here.

Aw, you've got it easy.

I'm the one that's stuck here without any water.

I'm having to wee in the garden.

Well, I hope neighbours aren't seeing you! Fair point.

I'll start using the back garden.

Tell me honestly, Lee,

will he definitely be finished by Friday? Yes, I promise.

He's virtually finished.

I'm not joking, Lee. You need to have a word with him right now

and tell him, in no uncertain terms,

he needs to be done by Friday or he's in big trouble.

OK?

Love you, sweet cheeks.

Not you.

So, how's it going?

Yeah. The really hard work's behind me. Yeah, I can see that.

Thing is... Yeah?

I'm just wondering about this deadline on Friday.

Oh, don't worry about this, this is just surface.

It'll all come together in the last couple of days. Right.

It's just that this is the last couple days.

You see, what I need... Um, well, not need, obviously,

it's more of a request.

I say request, it's a favour, if that's not too strong a word.

I'm not quite sure what it is you're trying to ask me,

but would it be easier over a cup of tea?

Sure.

Ah, there you go, you see -

you'd like a cup of tea, I'd like a cup of tea,

my wife would love to come home and have a cup of tea,

everyone wants a cup of tea, but there's one vital ingredient missing, isn't it?

Yeah, you're right - biscuits.

Ah, don't worry. Found your secret stash.

What have you been doing? You've been gone ages.

I've been using the gents for an all-over body wash.

Blimey.

I get embarrassed when I plug in my laptop.

Yeah, I'm not surprised with your Michael Buble screensaver.

If you'd employed the fitters we used,

you wouldn't be in this mess.

Look, he's all right my builder, he's just a bit old-school,

you know, rolled up copy of The Sun,

some very patriotic tattoos,

and a bum crack you could park a moped in.

Oh, I get it.

You're scared of him.

I'm not scared of him.

I'm scared of Lucy.

And what did she say when you told her

it wasn't going to be finished on time again.

I didn't tell her.

Why do you fear confrontation so much?

You're as soft as...

You?

Listen, I know how to deal with workmen in my house.

I get a written estimate, I keep a close eye on the work,

and if anything goes off schedule...

..I get Anna to talk to them.

What does she do? She lays down the law -

no boots in the house, no tea breaks, no music,

no chatting, no laughing,

no using anything other than the outside Portaloo.

Yeah, but what are the rules for the workmen?

She gets results.

Yeah, but I don't like all that "them and us" stuff

bossing someone round like I'm... Their boss?

I just can't do it.

I know Dave probably sees me as some sort of middle class ponce.

Bloody hell, how rough is he?

He's looked round our kitchen and he's seen all the evidence -

spiralizer, Le Creuset set, strawberry huller.

Blimey, if you'd have told me when I was 18

one day I'd own a gadget for taking the tops off strawberries...

You'd have said, "What's a strawberry?"

But all that stuff, it's not really me.

I'm from a working-class background.

Are you?

You never really mention it.

That's why I can't lord it over him,

I'm trying to be something I'm not.

Doesn't cut any ice, but I'll tell you what will...

Your complete set of Selfridges ice chisels?

A matey chat, like equals -

man to man, bloke to bloke.

Oh, yeah...

Well, you'll carry that off with your lemon-scented armpits.

You can come to us for a shower, you know.

I don't think Anna would approve of me walking around your house naked.

Good point. She's not particularly keen on you being there

when you've got your clothes on.

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Dave, mate, how's it going?

Yeah, yeah, making progress.

Yeah, I can see you're getting though things.

Oh, yeah, the biscuits.

No need to apologise.

I wasn't. I was going to say we need some more.

It's funny you should say that because I'd just been for a coffee -

I say coffee, I mean a couple of jars...

What? You drank two jars of coffee?

..and on the way back I thought, "I bet Dave's peckish.

"I'll get him an all-day fry-up in a bap, on white bread,

"Yorkie for afters."

Nice one, mate.

Diet starts tomorrow, eh? Yeah.

Like a lot of things.

It's good to keep your blood sugar levels up.

I know what it's like when you're grafting

I used to be on the game... Uh, in the game.

Oh, yeah? Builder were you? Oh, yeah.

Worked with my hands for years - on the sites, down the docks,

in the... woods.

I've done it all, me - pointing, grouting...

..flossing.

Some of the stuff I used to get up to. Oh, I used to...

I did all the tricks, me, you know. Oh!

Glues not screws, if all else fails, bang in nails,

extended coffee breaks, crafty fags...

Peeing in the sink. What?

Only joking.

Yeah, I know that, you're not like other builders.

In fact, in a lot of ways, you're not like a builder at all.

Cheers, mate, it's nice to hear

cos I did wonder if you're a bit narked about the pace of the job.

Narked? Don't be silly, mate.

Eh? It takes as long as it takes.

You're an artist.

I mean, how long did it take to do the Sistine Chapel?

Dunno, wasn't one of mine.

It was Michelangelo, and it took him four years.

Do you know why?

Cos he didn't have my wife breathing down his neck.

You know what I'm saying? Bending your ear, is she?

Oh, Dave, mate, she's never off my back.

Oh, I feel your pain, mate. Oh, yeah, your wife give you grief?

Oh, you could say that.

She's dead.

Right. Sorry about that.

Not really!

Got you there. Ha-ha! Bants, I love it.

So how come I haven't met your good lady yet?

Well, she likes to keep away when the work's being done.

She gets a bit petty about not being able to cook or wash

or having to breathe in asbestos.

Ha! Women! Yeah.

So I suppose this is a bit of a nice holiday for you without her, eh?

Ha, yeah. Yeah, you probably want me to take as long as possible.

Oh, no, I really don't.

No, she'll kill me if he's not ready by the deadline,

you know, this Friday.

It is definitely doable by Friday, isn't it, mate?

Vimto?

Tell her it'll be done by Friday, no worries.

Oh, cheers, mate, that's brilliant. I wouldn't say that to just anyone,

but, as it's you, I'm going to really get my nose to the grindstone

and make sure we finish at the agreed time.

That's really good of you, cheers.

So, just to be absolutely clear, I can phone my wife now

and tell her it's definitely going to be done by Friday?

Absolutely. Great!

But if we need a plan B...

What?

I'm just saying IF we need a plan B, which we won't,

what we can do to get your missus off your back, right,

is tell her we need a seven gauge retractable pinion bracket.

And do we need a seven gauge retractable pinion bracket?

Bloody hope not! There's no such thing.

What am I like?! I'm assuming that's rhetorical.

But plan B won't be needed, right,

because it'll definitely be done by this Friday?

No question, absolutely 110% guaranteed.

OK.

But if it isn't...

If it isn't? ..which it will be, absolutely for certain... Right.

..but if it isn't, then Monday at the absolute latest.

Certainly no later than Tuesday.

Tuesday? All being well.

Right, there it is.

Yep.

Oh, do us a favour, mate.

Oh. Hi, Anna.

Hello, Lee. How are you?

Just seeing how things are going.

I think one of your earrings is heavier than the other.

Just thought I'd check in

and let Lucy know what's happening with the kitchen.

I feel it's my duty as her friend.

Well, you can't see it until it's finished.

It's not a Picasso. It's starting to look like one.

I see. Toby said things weren't quite going to plan.

Everything's under control. Good.

Well, you won't mind me taking a quick look, then.

Dear God, it's like the trenches of World War I.

But with no poetry.

And even less chance of it being finished by Christmas.

How did the work get so far behind?

Well, he's just waiting on an essential part,

a seven gauge retractable pinion bracket.

There's no such thing.

I know!

Where is this builder, anyway?

He's at lunch. It's 4pm!

Yeah, but, to be fair, he didn't start till midday.

This is appalling, Lee. Look at the state of this place!

He's walked dirty boots all over the rug.

Well, we haven't got a doormat. Well, that's a matter of opinion.

Look, I know she's your friend

and you've only got her interests at heart, but don't tell Lucy.

Please.

On one condition -

the moment this man gets back, you give him a firm dressing down.

Get a written, detailed schedule of each job

and when he's going to do it, and then stand over him

and watch him while he does it.

It's the only way it'll get done by Friday.

Can you tell him that for me?

What? Well, you're so much better at this sort of thing than me.

He won't listen to me.

You and Lucy employed him, it's not my kitchen. You're right.

So tell him it is your kitchen.

He's never met Lucy.

But that would make me your...

Oh.

All right. Hello, Dave, mate!

This is my wife, Lucy.

Oh, hello. He's told me a lot about you, love.

Yeah, she's exactly as you described.

Anyway, um, back in a mo,

I'm just popping to the caff to use the facilities.

Uh, excuse me.

After the lunch break you just took, you actually have the cheek

to turn round and walk straight back out again?

If you've got to go, you've got to go, love.

My name's not "love", it's...

..Lucy.

Yes! This is Lucy, which I've already said.

Hello, Lucy. Nice to meet you. I'm Dave.

Dave what?

Dave, Miss.

I meant what's your surname?

Uh, Stockton. Right.

Mr Stockton, let's start again, shall we?

Let's act more like this is a professional environment,

where services are exchanged for money,

and less like we're betting on the outcome of a cockfight

at The Dog and Duck.

How do you mean? You're going back to work right now, Mr Stockton,

and I'm drawing up an exact schedule

that gives us a fighting chance of getting this done by Friday.

Understand? Yeah.

Well, what are you waiting for?

A starting pistol or Godot?

Right, I'll crack on, yeah.

And you can smarten yourself up, for God's sake.

Just because you're living on a building site

doesn't mean you need to dress like a labourer.

Yes, darling.

Not the lips.

You're very good at this.

I once made a builder cry so much he had to relay the damp course.

Anna?

No. Lucy.

Me and Anna split up years ago, so now I'm married to Lucy.

Dave, this is someone I haven't seen for years.

Why don't you two go and have a coffee and catch up

on all those lost years.

I'll be right here, won't I, Mr Stockton?

See you later. Please don't be long.

I don't know what signals we've been giving off

but, as I assured you at the time,

I dropped our car keys in that bowl by accident.

Look, I was under a lot of pressure and I just snapped

and asked Anna to be my wife.

That's actually the same as my story.

I didn't realise she was going to be so frightening. Ditto.

I can't believe she agreed to pretend to be Lucy,

and yet when I ask her to be Susie Dent...

I tell you what, she's very good at this confrontation thing,

isn't she? Yeah.

I've always wanted to send her to the Middle East.

Not to resolve the conflicts,

I've just always wanted to send her to the Middle East.

She's done me a massive favour, you know. You've done her a favour.

She loves being the boss -

hiring and firing,

holding innocent people's lives in her hands.

Firing? Yeah, that's what she does.

Well, it's certainly what she did with ours.

But I thought you were delighted with your builders.

Well, the final ones, yeah,

but she went through loads before she was happy.

Kitchen fitter after kitchen fitter

until there was only one left standing.

It was a Darwinian struggle.

Survival of the fitters.

Yeah, but she won't sack Dave,

she knows it needs to be done by Friday.

Yeah, but you never know with Anna,

when that red fog descends...

I think the phrase is "red mist".

No, the mist is there permanently,

it's the fog and icy conditions you need to watch out for.

She can't sack Dave and she needs to be told.

Don't look at me, she's your wife.

Where's Dave? Yeah, he's a big lad, what have you done with the body?

He's gone to get a tool from his van. Right.

I do allow people to pop out if necessary.

I'm not a complete tyrant.

DAVE PANTS Did I make it?

With six seconds to spare.

I can't handle this.

Well done, he's certainly pulling his finger out.

I'm not surprised - I gave him his final warning.

And then what? The naughty step?

In my experience, it's more like The Hurt Locker.

I just find people work better when their job's being threatened,

it's why I always mutter about the divorce lawyer

whenever Toby's late putting the bins out.

Can I just say, Anna, thanks for everything,

but I reckon I can take it from here.

I'm sorry? Well, you've been so amazing,

I don't think you need to be my wife any more.

You can't get rid of me that easily. You can't, I've looked into it.

The moment I leave, that man will fall back into his old habits

and Lucy will come home and find her house in total chaos.

Why don't you two run along again?

Leave this to the grown-ups.

Actually, why don't we stick around

and we'll all three of us project manage it together?

What? Good cop, bad cop, and not-much cop?

Can't I be Robocop?

Then I'd have guns for arms and I could blow my own brains out.

I'll go and check on him.

DAVE GASPS Oh, I thought you were her.

No, you'll know when it's her, the birds stop singing.

Since you went out, she chucked my radio in the bin

and threaten to dock my pay if I whistle.

Look, don't take it personally.

She's a pussycat, really.

All right, a tiger.

All right, a sabre-toothed tiger.

Are you really sanding those joints with 40-grit sandpaper?

You're not fitting a kitchen in a crack house!

And have you been sniffing wood vanish?

Because you must be high on something if you think

those units are sitting flush together.

I could drive a pig through that gap.

Right, that's it. You can't sack him.

That's right, she can't. See.

Cos I quit.

Wait! You can't leave now, otherwise I won't pay you.

Oh, yes, you will. You're right, I will.

I'll collect my stuff soon,

in the daylight when she's asleep.

Well, I think my work here is done.

Best not to mention this to Lucy,

I don't want her to think I was meddling.

Yes, and hopefully Anna's learnt a valuable lesson today

about respecting people's feelings.

Oh, shut up and die, Toby.

Or maybe not.

PHONE RINGS

It's Lucy. Which one?

The real one.

Well, seeing as you've done nothing but avoid confrontation,

maybe it's time you confronted the truth.

Which is what? You're a pillock.

At some point in your life, you're going to have to accept

that a certain level of conflict is inevitable.

You're right.

You should definitely tell her that.

Answer it.

LEE SIGHS

Hi, Lucy. Hi.

Having fun at your mum and dad's? No. Are you sure?

Because I was thinking if you wanted to stay on for a bit

and make it into a bit of a sabbatical...

What's happened? Nothing's happened.

Well, very little anyway.

Let me speak to this builder right now.

Um, you can't, he's up the ladder.

In the kitchen? Put him on now.

OK.

I'm just fetching him now.

With all due respect to Toby,

he's not going to pull this off on FaceTime.

Oh, hi, Lucy. You look nice.

Where's Dave?

All right.

The absolute truth?

He's gone. Gone? Where?

To go and get more builders to help him finish the job.

What?

I was not happy about the pace he was going

so I tore right into him.

I said, "No more shilly-shallying from you, good man."

It's the only language these people understand.

What, 18th century English?

Well, well done for confronting him.

So it'll be definitely finished when I get back, then?

Yep. Promise?

Absolutely. We're almost done.

Well, show me, then.

What? Can I see the kitchen?

Yeah.

I'll give you a quick guided tour.

Yeah, it's looking...

Hello?

Lee? Oh, you've frozen. Lee?

I... Eh... Hm... Mm...

No, you're breaking up.

Ugh! Lee?

Oh, forget it.

Bye.

I think I got away with that.

Yes.

Perfect.

All you need now is for Rumpelstilts-kitchen to come round

and finish the job and everything will be fine.

Unless...

I finish the job myself.

He's left all his tools.

Look, T-junction, gut wrench,

monkey nuts.

All I need now is a spanner.

I'm looking at one.

There's no way you can do this on your own.

You're right.

Oh, God.

Our house

In the middle of our street

Our house

In the middle of our

Our house

In the middle of our street

Something tells you that you've got to move away from it

Father gets up late for work

Mother has to iron his shirt

Then she sends the kids to school

Sees them off with a small kiss

She's the one they're going to miss in lots of ways

Our house

In the middle of our street

Our house

In the middle of our

I remember way back then when everything was true and when

We would have such a very good time, such a fine time

Such a happy time

And I remember how we'd play, simply waste the day away

Then we'd say nothing could come between us

Two dreamers

Father wears his Sunday best

Mother's tired, she needs a rest

The kids are playing up downstairs

Sister's sighing in her sleep

Brother's got...

I'm home!

Don't worry, I left the kids with Mum and Dad.

I want some peace and quiet to enjoy my new kitchen!

Um, can you come back a bit later? It's not quite ready.

No, I can't wait any longer.

Should I close my eyes?

Yeah, that's probably a good idea.

I wish you'd give me another five minutes

I wanted to iron the tea towels.

Oh, my God, Lee!

He's done it brilliantly!

Oh, I love him!

Toby was just passing.

Samaritans don't open till ten.

Oh, it looks amazing!

Oh, well done.

Oh, I didn't think he'd have it finished on time.

Well, you should have more faith in your project manager.

Once I tell someone to do something, they are like putty in my hands.

That's not putty, that's play-doh.

Is it?

Don't worry, I'll just get a dustpan.

Ooh.

I'll just...

..pop that back on.

At least the... the island's nice and sturdy.

We're just waiting on a seven gauge retractable pinion bracket.

Where's Dave?

That's what I want to know. Bloody con man.

He's probably done a runner, so we'll never track him down now.

Morning!

Don't mind me, just come back for my gear.

Hey, your wife isn't about, is she?

Actually, Dave.

Oh.

So you're the mysterious Dave? That's right.

What do you call this? Call it pretty shocking.

Screws missing,

plasterboard harpoon fixing in a brick wall.

Disgraceful.

That panel looks like it's been stuck on with Pritt stick.

Told you it should have been Blu-Tack.

Not even an apology?

Who are you? I'm Lucy.

No, you're not. Aren't I?

Well, who is, then? She is.

She's not Lucy.

Well, then how come she's been bossing me about

to get this kitchen built?

I outsourced it.

You got Anna to be the bad guy?

Sometimes you have to find the best person for the job.

Shame you didn't think about that when you hired Wreck-It Ralph.

I didn't do it. This has been done by cowboys.

Which cowboys?

Yee-ha.

You see, this is what happens when you can't do confrontation.

Which he never can. Yes, Lee, it's ridiculous the way you've acted.

You should have shown some backbone.

You can't spend your whole life not standing up to people.

Got a point. You're pathetic.

Oh, why don't you all BLEEP off!

It's not my fault.

You should have stayed here and dealt with things yourself

instead of running off to your mummy's like a little baby

because you're too prissy to wee in the back garden occasionally.

You shouldn't have acted out your crazed power-trip fantasies

like some sort of two-bit suburban dominatrix drill sergeant.

You should have spent more time working with those power tools

instead of using them to scratch your big fat arse crack.

And you need to learn

how to fit a six-unit Peninsula kitchen properly, you useless twat.

There! How's that for confrontation?

Hm? Right, why don't you all piss off out of my kitchen

and let me sit down and have a good cry?

Actually, maybe that was a bit much.

Why don't we sort this out over a nice cup of tea?

That's good.

The water's back on.

We're not going out

Not staying in

Just hanging around with my head in a spin

But there is no need to scream and shout

We're not going out

We are not going out.