All language subtitles for Not Going Out s10e04 Schooling.eng

We're not going out

Not staying in

Just hanging around
With my head in a spin

But there is no need
to scream and shout

We're not going out

? We are not going out. ?

We had some very good news
this week.

Jack's school came top of
the league tables.

Charlie's school's in the relegation
play-offs with Rochdale.

Not this again - his school is fine.

That's not what Ofsted said.

There's a rumour going
around the playground

they're about to downgrade
the rating

from "good" to
"requires improvement".

Lucy, I'm so sorry!

You never think it will happen
to someone you know.

That is genuinely a bigger reaction
than you had when my mother died.

I get very confused by all this
Ofsted stuff

since they changed the ratings -
didn't "requires improvement"

used to be "satisfactory"?

You're thinking of the bedroom.

He's right. And if the school
is satisfactory, it's good.

No, Lee - outstanding
would have been good.

Good would have been acceptable
and satisfactory

would have been...unsatisfactory.

And yet I still find it confusing.

Well, these ratings are very
important.

None of us would eat in a place
whose hygiene was only satisfactory.

Yes, we would. In fact, you are.

If his school requires improvement,

it makes me want to pull Charlie
out of there.

I'm sure that wouldn't improve
the school that much.

As you can see, Lee doesn't take
this very seriously.

No, I just don't care what a load
of inspectors say.

I base my own opinions on
my own experiences

of being at the school.

And what experiences are they?

Someone's forgetting that hour I did
on the Hook A Duck stall.

I have my own opinions,
as well you know.

I don't need some officious body
telling me what to think.

Neither do I.

But we all have to play
with the hand we're dealt.

Have you thought about moving
to a different area?

Yeah, but I'm pretty sure
Charlie would find us.

Have you considered sending him
to private school,

like we have with Jack?

Oh, we can't afford it.
Oh, right. Sorry.

Well, hang on -

the fact that we wouldn't send him
to a private school

is not about the money.

Yeah, private isn't the only option.

There are lots of great
state schools. I went to one.

Well, a grammar. Yes.

But you'd have also thrived
in the private system.

Given the chance, you could
have achieved something.

I'm a hospital consultant
and surgeon.

Yes, but for bottoms or something.

So, Lee - are you opposed
to private school?

It's OK, you don't have to have
the same opinion as Anna.

I do. Obviously.

I promised to love, honour
and agree.

Well, seeing as you ask, yes,
I am opposed to them.

And don't even get me started
on the hats.

Well, let's all agree to disagree.

All schools have their merits.

Exactly. Look at us lot.

Anna went to boarding school.
Toby went to a grammar school.

I went to a very nice comprehensive.

And Lee went to a school
that was eventually burnt down

by an alcoholic PE teacher
with a grudge.

And we all turned out OK!

Without a doubt. Procul dubio.

Indubitably. Exactly.

Fo' shizzle.

I've been thinking about
what we discussed last night.

Oh, don't worry - I've come round
to your way of thinking.

You're right - we're not at home
enough to get a pet monkey.

I mean during dinner.

You know, when Anna suggested
we think about private education

for Charlie.

You're not serious?
I think we could afford it

if we made a couple of sacrifices.

We can't do that to the twins.

I told you last night, it's not
about the money, it's the principle.

Well, my mum and dad think
we should consider it.

Oh, sorry - you've been discussing
it with your mum and dad

before you discussed it with
your husband?

Well, they're a bit more open minded
than you.

Open minded? Your dad?

The man whose main reason
for voting for Brexit

was because he saw a tin
of sauerkraut in Asda?

We are not sending Charlie
to a private school.

KNOCK AT DOOR
Oh...

Oh, Dad, I wasn't expecting you.

I thought I'd surprise you.

And I need to borrow 20 quid.

Well, then you haven't surprised me.

The machine won't give me any money.

Yeah, well, you should tried nudging
on two bells and a cherry.

Thanks, son. You'll get it back
in a few days.

I'm not going to disappear out
of the country for sake of 20 quid.

Just out of interest, how much
would that cost me?

Are you all right, son?

Yeah, sorry, you just caught me
having a bit of a disagreement

with Lucy, that's all. About what?

Well, if you must know, about
the idea of sending Charlie

to a private school. You what?

Are you trying to turn him into
Tarquin the tosspot?

I didn't raise you...

You can probably end
that sentence there.

There's no grandson of mine
going to private school.

Um, I think that's a decision
Lee and I should be making, Frank.

Er, well, hang on - if your parents
can weigh in, so can mine.

Carry on, Dad. Say your piece.

State education made me
the man I am today.

Perhaps leave it there.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Oh, hello.

Sorry to just land on you like this.

There's something we wanted
to discuss,

but we didn't realise Frank
would be here.

Why does nobody want to talk
in front of me today?

I'm not a police informant,
you know.

There must be some reason they
allow you to remain at large.

All right, I'll just say it.

It's about Charlie's failing school.

We think you should consider
a private school for Charlie.

Yeah, so I've heard.

It's immoral and I'm opposed to it.

What, private education?

Or the concept of education
in general?

Listen, my dad can be quite
irritating at times

and often operates with a very
suspect moral compass.

But on this one, very isolated case,
he happens to have a point.

Thanks, son.

That means a lot to me.

Under no circumstances are we
sending Charlie to a private school.

Well, hear us out.

Wendy and I would like
to pay for it.

Well, I suppose there's
two sides to every argument.

Wow. I'm assuming your march
from Jarrow is off?

And we'll pay for Benji and Molly
too if, when the time comes,

Charlie's school still hasn't
got his act together.

Oh, I don't know what to say.

Thank you.

Yeah, that's...very generous.

Unbelievable.

Well, they're offering to pay.

You said money didn't come into it.

Which it won't if they're
offering to pay!

Am I the only one here
with any convictions?

You're making this far too easy
for me, Frank.

Well, I've said my piece.

There's some people have
to work hard in life,

whereas other people just expect
things to be handed to them.

Can I have that 20 quid?

Thanks for the tour, Lucas.
It looks like a fantastic school.

Oh, it is, yes.

Our exam results are amongst
the finest in the country.

And there's loads of
different clubs to join.

I'm actually President
of the Debating Society.

What's that? Well, you compete
to win an argument.

It doesn't matter whether you
believe in your position or not,

just as long as it's the opposite
of your adversary. See?

They even prepare them
for being married.

Is there anything else I can
help you with. No.

I think we've pretty much
covered everything.

The multimedia centre, the hockey
pitches, the five-floor library,

the swimming pool.

When do we get to go on
the flight simulator?

Oh, my God, there's an actual
flight simulator!

Well, if you'll excuse me,
I've got Bible study.

I can't imagine Charlie
choosing that club.

That one's compulsory.

This is a faith based school.

Faith based?

You mean it's...religious? No.
He means they built the curriculum

around George Michael's
back catalogue.

BELL RINGS

I'd better not be late.
We're doing Ephesians 6.

I've not even seen
Ephesians 1 to 5.

I do hope I've been of help.

Oh, you have, Lucas. Thank you.

Whatever happened to alcopops
and shoplifting?

What do you think?

My guess is some sort of weird adult
pretending to be a boy.

I mean about the school.

Isn't it amazing?

Yeah, but it's...it's religious.

So? Or do you object to faith
schools as well as private schools?

Of course not.

But they might object to us.

It'll be fine. If anyone asks us,
we'll just say

we're a bit more God-y
than we actually are.

It's not like all the teachers
are priests.

Hello! Miss Jenkins, headmistress.

You must be Lucy and Lee.

And also...with you.

Thank you for coming in.

Oh, thank you for
sparing us the time.

Yes, very good of you, Father.

I mean...

It's not Mother, is it?

Miss Jenkins is fine.

Please don't be nervous. It's just
an informal chat, few questions.

Fire away.

If you want me to name all 14
disciples, just say the word.

It's just a joke.
I know there was 12.

Oh, you know, if we're including
the one we don't talk about.

You know, kissy, kissy,
catchy, catchy.

I simply want to know a bit
more about you and Charlie.

Which church do you
currently attend?

St Mary's. St Peter's.

St Peter, Paul and Mary's.

He means All Saints.

Peter, Paul and Mary weren't
in All Saints.

Not the band. The church.

Oh, right.

Never, ever have I ever felt so low.

When you going to get me out of
this black hole?

You know, the All Saints song.

I like, er, I like other stuff too.

Like, um...

..Hymns.

We don't actually have a specific
church yet, as we recently moved.

So, we've been trying out
a few different ones.

You know - try before you...die.

So, is Charlie's current school
a faith school?

No. More of a lack of faith school.

Specifically my lack of faith
that it's any good.

She's worried about a dodgy Ofsted.

It's not about Ofsted.

It's what I think.

Lucysted.

Good job your name's not Stan.

Right. Not currently attending
a faith school...

Yes, but we take it upon ourselves
to talk to the kids about...

..you know...

..Jesus.

Don't we, Lee?

Well, his name certainly
comes up a lot.

Well, I'll need a few extra details
while you're here.

For example, the date and location
of Charlie's christening?

Yup.

So, just to confirm, you need...?

I need to know where the christening
took place.

At the front in that birdbath thing.

Erm, Charlie has actually
been christened, I assume?

Well, that sort of depends
on how you define christened.

I mean, has he been christened?

Oh. In that case...

..no.

Right.

I'm sorry, but the thing is,
if he hasn't been christened...

Oh, but that's a very good reason
why he hasn't been christened.

And that is, um...

..as follows.

We...didn't used to be
that religious.

Lee and I have only come to
our faith relatively recently.

How recently? About...
Three years ago.

Back when Charlie was born,
we didn't get him christened

because we hadn't properly
found our faith.

But as time passes, we're becoming
more and more committed,

aren't we, Lee? By the minute.

At this rate, by lunchtime,
she'll be the Pope.

Same thing goes for you, does it?

Yes, I certainly feel I'm getting in
a lot deeper

than I was to begin with.

We're going to make a lot
of changes.

One of them is to find Charlie
a faith school

and another is to get him
christened,

which we are going to do
very, very soon.

Of course, I'll need to see
the certificate of baptism

when it's done.

Where are you getting it done?

Well, that's the thing.

You see, everything's pretty much
booked up at the moment.

So, we, um, we don't actually have
a place as yet.

It could end up being done anywhere.

But that's all right, yeah, with
the whole omnipresence thing?

Could end up being in the bathroom
department at Wickes.

Well, this is a predicament
I might be able to solve.

I'd be very happy to baptize
Charlie myself.

Right.

If you're agreeable to it.

Of course.

How's Sunday? Well, actually,
I'm meant to be playing football.

But I can't play this Sunday because
I'm having my son christened.

That would be wonderful.
Thank you very much.

Right, now - godparents?

Oh, God...parents.

Yes. Um...

What about them? I look
forward to meeting them.

So do I.

Can I have their details?
Yeah. Their names are...

..Anna and Toby.

Are they relatives? I hope not,
they're married to each other!

They're our friends. Good friends?

We'll see.

Are you sure Toby and Anna
will agree to this?

It's very dishonest and cynical.

Exactly.

They're the perfect people to ask.

They'll understand. Why don't we
just ask your parents?

They're the ones that want Charlie
to go to a private school.

They wouldn't approve of this.

You know what Dad's like
about honesty.

That's true. He doesn't even cheat
at the self-service checkout

by weighing mangoes as potatoes.

Oh, come on, Lucy,
don't leave us on tenterhooks.

What did you want
to talk to us about?

Well, actually, it's a bit of
a cheeky request,

so please feel free to say no if
you feel uncomfortable with it.

I'm starting to think this is
about swapping partners.

We're going to need
a safe word, Anna.

I've got one. Goodbye.

We're getting Charlie christened.

Oh, isn't he christened already?

No.

We thought we'd wait
until he could swim.

No, we didn't get any of
the kids done.

Wasn't really our sort of thing.

We have considered exorcism
a few times.

That's quite unusual, isn't it,
to do it at this age?

Yes, it is. But there's actually
a very good reason

we're getting him christened
and a reason we're asking you

to be godparents, because basically,
my... Asking us to be godparents?

That's right. You see, the thing
is... Of course we'll do it,

won't we, Toby? Oh!

Oh, ha...

Right. You know, just to be clear...

Hang on, are you crying?

Oh, I'm sorry.
I feel a bit emotional.

This is my first time.

Really? It's true. Anna's never
felt emotions before.

We've never been asked
to be godparents before.

I feel like I've been
to 100 christenings,

but we were always the bridesmaids.

There is a possibility they weren't
actually christenings.

I was starting to wonder
if it was me.

You know, maybe people didn't really
see me as godparent material,

maybe even a little...cynical.

BOTH: No...

I can't tell you what this means
to me, Lucy. I am...really,

really honoured and touched.

Can I ask you
what made you choose us?

Well, to be honest,
it was actually because...

..we thought you'd be the perfect
moral and spiritual guardians.

We thought about it for
a long time before asking you.

So, when did you decide
to have him christened?

This afternoon.

I saw the face of Jesus
in my Marmite

and it made us get our arse in gear.

So, when's the big day?

This Sunday.

Wow, this is all very quick.

Is it a drive-through?

So, I'm assuming it's a yes?

Of course it's a yes! Oh!

I'm so pleased.

Come on, Toby.

I can feel a new hat coming on.

You do realise you'll have
to renounce Satan?

Well, that's good, isn't it?

What's good?
Well, they agreed to it.

Yeah, but Anna thinks we actually
want them to be godparents.

We do actually want them
to be godparents.

Yeah, but for the wrong reasons.

She thinks we're asking
them to be guardians

of the children's spirituality.

And that's for the wrong reasons,
is it?

You know what I mean.

We can't tell her what's really
going on now, I feel terrible.

Well, it's not her you should feel
guilty about lying to.

It's the all-powerful figure
who sits in judgment on us.

I feel bad enough,
don't bring God into it.

I meant your dad.

Ha! Charlie, you look really stupid.

Be nice, Molly. Otherwise we'll
make you come to church with us.

I don't think we should be
using it as a threat.

Go play, you know,
with the baby-sitter.

I can't believe I'm doing this
just to get into a school.

Count yourself lucky it's not
a Jewish school.

Right, Anna and Toby will be here
any minute,

so remember, no mentioning
your new school.

You mean lie? No.

We're just saving that surprise
for another day.

KNOCK ON THE DOOR

Unless they ask you outright,
then lie through your teeth.

Oh, Anna, you look amazing.

Thanks, Lucy. I'm sorry about Toby.

I told him just because it's church,

there's no need to come
dressed as a jumble sale.

Are the other guests meeting us
there?

Oh, erm, no.

We just wanted a small,
private service.

Just us and our very special
godparents.

They didn't want
anyone else implicated.

He means involved.

Kids.

So, no function afterwards, then?

I'll book TGI Fridays.

Seems appropriate.

It's not Friday.

I meant the "thank God" bit.

Can we go to TGI Fridays?

Yeah, of course. We'll pick you up
after the ceremony. Yes!

Oh. Are you two not coming to see
your brother getting christened?

No. He's only doing it so he can
get into a new school.

You didn't tell me Charlie
was moving school.

Didn't we?

Well, it all happened so quickly.

My mum and dad offered to pay
for a private one.

I thought Lee was opposed to them?

Well, I am, but they won't
live forever.

I assume it's a faith school?

Yep. I see.

So, this whole christening thing
is just a grubby little scam?

Well, that is one theory, yes.

Other people find religion
a great source of reassurance.

Oh, you mean just this one.

Yes. Yes, it is.

How could you, Lucy?

Oh, I was going to be straight
with you,

but then you got all
emotional and I panicked.

You're very quiet.

Well, it was pretty obvious what was
going on when they first asked us.

What was I meant to say?
You haven't been this happy

since that Club Class upgrade on
the flight to the Comoros Islands.

It's not my fault you weren't
offered one too.

It was our honeymoon.

Anyway, we haven't got time to chat.

We've all got to get
to a christening.

Yes, you have, haven't you?
Enjoy your day, Charlie.

I'm sorry we won't be there
to see it.

Oh, no, Anna. Please come.

Yeah. Don't miss out. It's Chocolate
Fudge Monkey Sunday.

Not at the church. I mean at TGIs.

I can't believe she's done that.

We can hardly blame her.

It's like we've asked her
to donate a kidney

and she's just found out
we want it for a hotpot.

We've got to find someone,
and quickly.

How do?

God really does move in
mysterious ways, doesn't he?

You do realise it's no smoking
in here? Or swearing.

Oh, I'm sure he'll behave himself,
won't you, Charlie?

Don't worry, son.

I won't mess up.
This means a lot to me.

Nobody's ever asked me
to be a godparent before.

I wonder why.

It was rhetorical.

So, why aren't Wendy and Geoffrey
here?

Well, I don't think they'd be
too happy that we chose you

to be godparent over them,

and you wouldn't want upset
my mum and dad, would you?

So, perhaps it's better if we just
never mention this.

After all, you and Dad already
don't see eye to eye.

More like eye to bellybutton.

Hello again.

And Charlie,
welcome to St Michael's.

Toby? Or not Toby.

That is the question
and the answer is not Toby.

We decided to just keep it
to immediate family,

and this is my dad, Frank.

I didn't realise
you were going to be a woman.

Now you know why we call him Frank.

Fancy wetting the baby's head later?

Dad. I know when they're married,
it doesn't usually stop you,

but surely when they're married
to God...

Are there no other guests arriving?

No. We just decided to keep it
intimate.

Couldn't ask her side of the family.

They're pagans.

Just us and our special godparent.

To think...

..I only came around to your house

to give you back that 20 quid
I owed you.

Well, you keep that �20, Father.

You deserve it.

Thanks, son.

That means a lot.

You couldn't lend me another
20 quid, could you?

KNOCK ON THE DOOR

Hi, Grandma. Hi, Grandad.
Hello, you two.

Are Mummy and Daddy in?
No, we've got a baby-sitter.

They got you a baby-sitter?

What about me?
You don't need a baby-sitter.

You're old.

So, where are your mum and dad?

At church.

Are we definitely at
the right house?

Are you sure they aren't
just at the supermarket?

No. You can't get christened
at the supermarket.

Christened?

Did they tell you anything else?

Yes. They said not to tell
Grandma and Grandad.

Oops.

Oh, thank you, Frank, for that very
memorable reading.

I must say, it's unusual to have
someone do all the voices.

I do what I can.

Those stories can be
quite preachy otherwise.

And this is where I invite Charlie
to join me at the font.

Come on, Charlie. Armbands on.

How deep is it?

It's a water flume. It comes out
at a drain near the graveyard.

Nothing that exciting,
I'm afraid, Charlie.

It's a rather simple process.
Not as dramatic as a wedding.

I don't get to say, "If anyone knows
any reason why this christening

"should not go ahead,
please declare it now."

Stop the christening!

Oh, God.

Gosh.

Goddy gosh.

Mum, Dad.

So pleased you can make it
after all.

I can't believe what I'm seeing.

This is an abomination.

Told you. Pagans.

Stay away from the holy water,
Geoffrey.

We don't want it to burn you.

I'm surprised to see you inside
a church, Frank.

You might want to count
the candlesticks after he's gone.

Have you come to join us for
the christening? Yes, we have.

Not that we were invited.

Mum, Dad, if I could possibly
explain it to you later?

Yes, please, because I need to get
on with christening my godson.

Your godson? You've chose him
as a godparent over us?

I didn't even tell us about it?

Clearly, they see me as
the more God-fearing one.

That's because you've got
more to fear.

Mum, Dad, it's not what you think.
Isn't it?

No, we didn't exactly choose Frank.

He's only here because...

..Toby and Anna pulled out
at the last minute.

You what? I thought you'd
chosen me specially.

Sorry, Frank. You just turned up on
the doorstep at the right time.

So it could just as easily
have been a pizza delivery man standing here?

Well, if you could hurry up and
dunk him and we'll bugger off.

Actually, I'm just going to pop to
the vestry. Top up the holy water.

I'll leave you to chat amongst
yourselves for a moment.

Why didn't you tell us about this?

Because I thought you'd disapprove.

Damn right we disapprove. No,
I meant disapprove of the reason.

The thing is...

..we're just doing this to get
Charlie into a better school.

You mean the school
we're paying for?

And we still don't get invited
to the christening.

Hang on.

So you're using me to get
Charlie into a posh school?

Well, in that case, I do not want
to be the godparent.

Well, that solves it.
Geoffrey, Wendy.

Will you do us the great honour
of being godparents?

No, we won't. I've never been
so insulted in my life.

Oh, there's nothing to be insulted
or offended about when the whole thing's fake anyway!

It's all just a big sham to get
Charlie into the school, OK?

I though Christians were supposed
to be forgiving.

She did forgive us.

She just wouldn't do the christening
or let Charlie into the school.

It's our parents and friends
who didn't forgive us.

And God, probably.

Exactly. We'll be lucky
to get through the week

without being struck by
a plague of... What's it?

Grasshoppers.

You mean locusts.

You're lucky. I was going
to say spacehoppers.

So now what?

We'll have to start looking
at other schools, I suppose.

Well, let's set ourselves
a real challenge this time.

See if we can get him
into an all girls one.

PHONE PINGS

Ooh.

It's that Ofsted report on
Charlie's school. It's official now.

Have they changed their rating?

Yeah. Well?

It's gone from
"good" up to "outstanding".

That's fantastic.

Oh, those silly mums were
flapping about nothing.

We don't need to move Charlie now.

I thought you didn't care
about the Ofsted report?

Lee, if the last few days
have established anything

is that we're both total hypocrites.

Have we still got that table booked
at TGIs?

Yeah, why?

I think we should go out and
celebrate being really good parents.

Good? OK, requires improvement.

We're not going out

Not staying in

Just hanging around
with my head in a spin

But there is no need
to scream and shout

We're not going out

? We are not going out. ?

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