All language subtitles for Not Going Out s10e02 Facts of Life.eng

Yeah, not going out
Not staying in

Just hanging around with my head
in a spin

But there is no need
to scream and shout

We're not going out

? We are not going out! ?

Aw. See?
What did I say? It's lovely.

Give it a chance.
Anna and Toby aren't here yet.

Are you sure this was
such a good idea?

What's not to like?

The New Forest, no kids,
just us and our friends.

Exactly, friends.
Let's keep it that way.

What do you mean? It's one thing
sharing a coffee,

it's a different thing
going to a holiday cottage

for the whole weekend. They'll spend
the whole time bickering.

They might not. The change of scene
might mellow them.

Yeah, that's right.

Send them off into the middle
of a forest and suddenly

it'll be like...
What's that romantic comedy called?

Deliverance.

Hi, Anna!

Got you.

I knew she wasn't there,
the temperature hadn't dropped.

Let's have a look at the bedrooms.

It's not exactly like the website,
is it?

Well, there's a good view of...

..the car parking spaces.

That might come in handy, actually.
Why?

In case we decide to attach
a hose to the exhaust pipe

and asphyxiate ourselves.

Maybe we should unpack?

What, and then jump in the suitcase
and sleep in there?

There'll be more room.

Come on, let's have a look at
the upstairs bedroom.

Erm, heavy suitcase?

Yeah, bring that.

Oh, this is more like it.

They obviously only took
photos of the better one.

Same reason you're hardly
in our wedding album.

Oh, and it's got a Nespresso!

It's only a coffee machine.

Oh, why does Clooney bother?

Well, this is awkward.

What is?
Deciding who gets this room.

Don't be silly,
I'll let you share it with me.

There's nothing to decide.
It's ours.

First come, first served -
it's an unwritten rule.

We can't just claim it.

Anna and I booked this together.

The unwritten rule is
that they have to offer it to us.

We have to wait until they arrive.

We should at least
mark our territory.

If you do that,
I'm sleeping in the car.

Just something small,
a little sign that establishes

that is our room.

Like what?

Unpack.

Unpack?

Why don't we just both strip off
and get in the bath?

That's not an actual suggestion.

Well, what, then?

We could leave our bags
in here. How's that?

OK.

Not on the bed!

It's too obvious. Next to the bed.

No, it's too close. Put them...

..there.

Perfect.

That sends exactly
the right message.

Yeah, if that message is,

I'm a passive-aggressive
psychopath.

It's got to be first come,
first served.

Can we talk about something else?

What do you want to do this weekend?

I don't know, I don't mind.
What are the options?

There's a craft museum
where you can try your hand

at traditional lace-making.

Ooh, I'm not as young as I used
to be. Think of me heart.

Or there's the ruins
of an Anglo-Saxon monastery.

Or Jungle Jeremy's Crazy-Fun Zoo.

Mmm!

Difficult decision.

Ruins, fun?

Ruins, fun?

Talk of the devil.

So, you finally got here.

We'd have been here a lot sooner
if Toby didn't drive so slowly.

Well, it's hard to build up enough
speed when your wife's

packed so much.
Four cases for a single weekend.

Hmm, a single weekend
would be a lovely idea.

I'm only joking. I actually find
it strangely soothing

watching you pack your bags.

Sorry, awful journey.

Let's unpack.
What are the bedrooms like?

Oh, well, we haven't really
looked yet, have we, Lee?

No, just slung our bags
in the first bedroom we came to.

What, that one over there?
Erm, no.

It was the one upstairs, actually.

The first bedroom
you came to was upstairs?

Well, always start at the top
of the house and work your way down.

I learned that from...

..Father Christmas.

Well, nothing's been decided.
Have a look around.

Oh, this is nice.

I see you've started settling in.
Oh, no.

Like we say,
we just dumped the bags in here.

You've already had a bit
of a lie down, I see?

Just five minutes.

You know what it's like
after a long drive -

I just like to slip
my shoes and pants off.

He didn't do that.

Well, this is a lovely room.

If you like that sort of thing.

Which we do.

OK, Anna, shall we check out
the other bedroom? Mmm.

What are they doing? They should
have just offered us this room.

Why are they checking
out the other one?

They've probably gone to see

if you've been sleeping in that bed
too, Goldilocks.

I specifically told you
not to touch it.

Touch it? I'm beginning to wish
we'd had sex in it.

They'll be back in a second,
this is your last chance.

Well, I'm up for it if you...

Your last chance to start
behaving like an adult!

Don't make this awkward.

HE SIGHS

FOOTSTEPS

So, how is the other room?

Uh, cosy.

Right, so...?
So, who's going to go where, then?

Well, we really don't mind
either way, do we, Lee?

Well...

We don't mind either way either.

I suppose we could always toss
a coin to decide who sleeps where?

Didn't think it was going
to be that sort of a weekend!

I really don't have a preference.

Me neither.
I'm happy with you or Toby.

I guess, as nobody minds either
way...

Which we don't. And neither do we.

..and given that our
suitcases are already...

There is just one thing.

What?

Anna's a very light sleeper.

Oh, now, Toby!

I told you not to make
a fuss about this.

You did. I'm sorry, darling.

It's just with this
being the quieter room,

with it being upstairs
and, I don't know,

perhaps it makes more sense
if we take this one?

Hmm.

Of course.

Only if you're absolutely
110% sure you don't mind.

Not sure it's possible to be 110%
sure about anything...

..and yet we are.

That's settled, then.

Toby, help take
their bags downstairs.

Light sleeper?

I thought the undead never slept.

We should just stand her upright
in the larder.

Well, I'm just glad
you're taking this so well.

What, so they mean,
this is the noisy room?

Doesn't sound very noisy to me.
It does to me.

I don't even care about the bedroom.

I have to say, that is coming
across very strongly.

It's the principle.
What principle?

The United Nations international
declaration on first dibs.

And you know this
won't be the end of it. Oh, good.

Now they know they can
trample all over us.

By Sunday night, we'll be serving
them little cakes on doilies

and answering to "garcon".

And I bet you any amount of money
they try and leave first

on the final day.

Why would they do that?

It's the oldest trick in the book.

Then we are lumbered
with the bulk of the tidying-up.

People always try that one.

My dad used to do it
to whole marriages.

Anna and Toby won't try
and leave first.

Trust me, they'll do it.

Taking the bigger bedroom. Pfft!

Lee, I really think
you need to let this go.

Rise above it.

There's a story in the Bible
where Jesus says,

"If a man steals your coat,
then give him your shirt too."

Yeah, there's also story
in the Bible about how Jesus got

kicked out of five-star
accommodation and had to sleep

in a shed.

We're going to show them
that we're not petty.

In fact, we're going
to go the opposite way

and be really lovely about it.

We're going to go in there and prove
that we're the better people

and offer to make them dinner.

So, let me get this right.
Not only are we sleeping below them

in the rubbish accommodation,
we're now going to cook for them?

What is this, Downton Abbey?

CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS

In your pyjamas already?
These aren't my pyjamas.

It's OK if you want to wear
your bed things for dinner.

We wouldn't dream of
trying to stop you.

Good, because I sleep naked.

This music's nice.
Where's it coming from?

I connected my phone.

What to, the spirit world?

We have other music, if you prefer.

Arias From The
Coloratura Repertoire.

WOMAN SINGS LIVELY ARIA

If this is Barry White,

I don't think it's playing
on the right speed.

Not a fan of the Italian classics,
then?

No, no, it's perfect.

Goes really well with
the screaming in me head.

MUSIC OFF

So, what do people
want to do tomorrow?

The zoo. We're open to anything.

The zoo.

I notice there's an Anglo-Saxon
monastery not far away.

Could be interesting.

Or the zoo sounds good too.
Doesn't it, Anna?

Hmm.

So, what's it going to be?

St Audoem's Monastery
or Jungle Jeremy's Cra...?

You don't need to say
the name of the zoo.

Why don't we head off
to the monastery in the morning,

see how it goes, and take
the rest of the day from there?

But they're miles apart.

That's settled, then.

Right, I'm famished.

Oh, good.

Because I'm cooking
dinner for us all.

Oh!

What a lovely gesture.

Spag bol.

Right.

But we can't let you do that.

You were lovely and gave us
the quieter room.

No, I insist.

I won't hear of it.

We're going to do all the cooking
for the whole weekend.

Don't be silly.

How about tonight I do
smoked salmon tartlets,

followed by sirloin steaks
and then a raspberry Pavlova?

Honestly, I'd be more then
happy to do my spag bol.

Absolutely not.

Spag bol?

You're on holiday,
you're supposed to have a treat.

Come on, Toby, let's get the rest
of the food from the car.

The cheek!

Did you hear the way she said "spag
bol" like she was spitting it out?

Well, she's quite posh.

She probably doesn't know
what spag bol is.

Perhaps you should have added
the words "hetti" and "ognese".

Thanks for your support. Well, you
didn't support me about the zoo.

That's because I don't care
about the bloody zoo.

Oh, right, so you'd rather
go to the monastery?

What kind of person wants
to spend their Sunday mornings

in a church?

Anyway, I thought
you were rising above it.

Well, I was until she started taking
control of the kitchen.

And it's the way she did it,
standing there with a big fake smile

on her face.

I can't stand it when
people are insincere,

acting like everything's fine
when...

Can I give you a hand with that,
Anna?

No, you sit yourselves down
and relax.

Why don't I make a salad?

No, Toby's on salad duty.
He has an affinity with wet lettuce.

Whereas Anna is more iceberg.

You're being far too nice, Anna.

There must be something
Lee and I can do.

Well, if you absolutely insist.

I do.

What would be really helpful,
and doing me an enormous favour,

would be if you could lay the table.

If you're sure you don't mind?
Course not.

It's times like this you miss
having the children around to help.

Not that we're comparing
you to children, of course.

Of course not.

Lee, clothes on,
dinner won't be long.

Will you keep still?

I would if I could find a sliver
of mattress that didn't feel

like a pincushion.

I'm getting back ache.
And it stinks.

Is now a really bad time
to ask for sex?

Told you this weekend
was a bad idea.

Only 36 hours to go.

They're intolerable.

The food, the music, your clothes -
they want to control everything.

What can we do?

We play them at their own game.

We stop apologising
and we start taking control.

We make them do what we want to do,
and we don't take no for an answer.

Show them who's the daddy.

We're the daddy.

And daddy's taking us
to the zoo tomorrow.

That sounded better in my head.

ALL: Morning!

Sleep well? Like a log.

Oh, we thought you were
a light sleeper, Anna?

Well, I slept like a light log.

Like a twig.

Bacon sarnies, everyone?

Oh, now you put that away.

Breakfast is already taken care of.

Anna, is there
no end to your talents?

Yeah, when does it end?

It's no problem, we don't want
you two to do anything.

Perhaps you should digest
and excrete it for us too.

All right, that was a bit much.

I might take a couple
of these for the monkeys.

What monkeys?

The monkeys at the zoo.

What about the monastery?

No, they don't have
monkeys at a monastery.

You're thinking of monks.

We thought we were looking
round the monastery first.

Well, we thought we'd go to the zoo
first,

because mornings at the best time
to beat the crowds. Right.

Actually, we've been thinking
that we might struggle to do both.

Oh, dear.

Looks like we'll have to choose.

So, what's it going to be?

Toby?

Right. Erm...

The thing is... What?

Now, Toby, don't start making a fuss
about my allergies to animals.

You've never mentioned that before.
Which animals?

Penguins.

Penguins? Yep.

It's amazing what you can
p-p-p-pick up from them.

So, would you mind awfully if we
play safe and avoid the zoo?

Look, Lucy didn't want
me to mention this,

but today just happens
to be our anniversary.

Your anniversary's in December.

Not our wedding anniversary, the
anniversary of the first time we...

I'm not sure I'm ready to hear this.

Of the first time we met.

Which was at the zoo.

Wasn't it, Lucy?

Yeah.

I thought you met when
you were Lucy's lodger?

Yeah, we did, but she actually
found me at the zoo.

Was it a rehoming scheme?

So we always like to try and get
along to a zoo at this time of year.

If we can. You must have been to a
lot of zoos over the years.

Yeah, we have.

London, Whipsnade...

..Babylon.

So, why don't we go to the zoo,
but avoid the penguins?

I tell you what.
Why don't you two go,

and we'll stay behind
and get started on dinner?

Oh, no, we don't want
you to miss out.

And besides, I'm cooking tonight.

No, no.

We're cooking all weekend, remember?

No, I won't hear of it.

You've done far too much already.

And besides, I wanted to share with
you the first meal we ate together.

At the zoo.

Was it peanuts?

Do you remember what it was, Lee?

Was it spag bol?

Yes, it was!

And so we're cooking
tonight, aren't we, Lee?

What were you going to cook?

I mean, yes, we are!

So, zoo first

and then spag bol.

If that's OK with you?

How could we possibly object?

Toby, c-c-can you think
of the way we could object?

You're not a very good liar.
I don't have to be.

It might not have been at the zoo,
but today just happens

to be the anniversary
of the first day we met.

Oh, is it?

See, I AM a good liar.

THUNDER RUMBLES

Did you enjoy that?

I can honestly say I will remember
that day for years to come.

Me too.

How often do you get
the chance to see a gazelle?

Well, we saw a few on our
four-night safari in Kenya.

Yes, but how often you get the
chance to see a gazelle

in a ten-foot enclosure being fed
Quavers by a toddler?

Music?

I know how you two
like the Italian classics,

so this one's especially
for you guys.

MUSIC: Shaddap You Face
by Joe Dolce

Is this Joe Dolce? Sure is!

Don't tell me, it was playing
on the day you first met? Yep!

? What's-a matter you? Hey!
Gotta no respect? ?

I wouldn't exactly
call it classical.

It's a bit loud.

? ..It's-a not so bad... ?

Could you turn it down a touch?

? ..Ah, shaddap-a you face! ?

Will you also be wearing pyjamas for
dinner tonight, darling?

Of course.

But I'm thoroughly enjoying
our anniversary so far.

Me too.

It's brilliant.

Tomorrow, let's make
them go to Laser Quest.

I think our Joe-Dolce-themed
spag bol night will be enough.

Then we're even.

Not quite. We're still leaving
before they do tomorrow morning.

Not this again.

No-one leaves early
so others clean up.

It's all in your head.
You wait, they will try it.

So, you're not annoyed that I lied
about it being our anniversary?

Well, it doesn't count as a lie
if you use it to get something

you really want.

I must remember
to tell the kids that.

Anyway, it was a necessary evil.

Anna's my friend but, my God,
she's pushy sometimes.

It's like Airbnb-ing
in Hitler's bunker.

Toby's just as bad.

Well, he just does
whatever Anna wants.

He's like Siri,
but with less initiative.

Hi, Toby.

Yeah, the old "he's standing
behind you" routine

doesn't really work if they're
in a different room.

Hello.

Just popped out
to the car to get a book.

Didn't see you standing there.

Right.

See you at dinner, then.

Did you know he was standing there?
Of course, Lee.

It was seeing his face
that reminds me to slag off him

and his wife!

Do you think you heard us?

I don't know!

Oh, God, we admitted we were lying
about our anniversary.

And we compared him to a human Siri.

You think that's bad -
I said being with Anna

was like sharing
a cottage with Hitler.

Well, if he is like Siri,
maybe he misheard and thought

you said it was like sharing
porridge with Bette Midler.

Oh, God. Well, it could be worse.

How?

If I'd called her a stuck-up witch
married to a neutered poodle?

Forgot to lock the boot.

CAR ALARM CHIRRUPS

All right, you big ugly knobheads?

I'm sorry? I was just saying to Lucy
how it's great with friends

that you can jokily insult them
and no-one takes you seriously.

Wasn't I, you fat smelly muppet?

What are you doing?
I thought we were cooking tonight.

And we decided not to let you.

Why? You can't cook
on your anniversary, Lucy.

No, it's your special day.

Well, it's not that special.

It's not our real anniversary.

We know.

It's the anniversary
of the day you met.

At the zoo. With the spag bol.

And Shaddap You Face.

How long were you stood
at that window? Why do you ask?

I'm always scratching me arse
when I think no-one's watching.

Well, I didn't see anything.

Did you hear anything?

How loud were you scratching it?

It's good of you to dress
for dinner tonight, Lee.

Well, you made such an effort
we thought we should.

And it's your anniversary.

How many years ago
did you meet, exactly?

Seven.

You've got a son older than that.

He means 2007.

Anyway, enough about us.
What do you guys do

to celebrate your anniversaries?

Oh, nothing special,
just the traditional stuff.

Two minutes' silence?

Well, we're certainly not
like you two, with your big

romantic, fanciful celebrations.

This food is lovely.

Well, make sure you leave room
for dessert, because Anna has made

something very special for you.

Oh, don't be silly, Toby.

It's nothing much.
I just had to cobble something

together from a few basic
ingredients because,

obviously, we had no idea
it was your anniversary.

It's only the anniversary
of the first day we met.

Oh, you can't play it down now.

Not now we've seen how
important it is to you.

Happy anniversary.

Oh, watch that flame, Anna.

Don't want anybody's pants on fire.

We certainly don't, Toby.

And tell them the other
thing we decided.

Ah, yeah.

We feel really bad about getting
in the way of your romantic break,

so to let you have the last
little bit of the weekend

all to yourselves...

We're leaving a few hours
early tomorrow.

See!

What? You're not pulling that one
on us.

But it's your anniversary.

Oh, come off it, we know you know.

Know what? You know.

And we know you know we know.

Is that another Joe Dolce song?

You heard our conversation
through the window.

Did I? What conversation?

The conversation about us
inventing our anniversary

so we could get our own way.

You did hear that, didn't you?

Course I heard it!

As if it wasn't obvious that Lee
was lying right from the start.

Watching Lee thinking on his feet
is like watching our son explain

that a ghost got in
and ate all the Jaffa Cakes.

Nobody celebrates the anniversary
of the day they met.

You don't remember the day we met?

I said celebrate, not remember.

I can't believe you went
along with it, Lucy.

Well, maybe it was a bit far-fetched
saying I met Lee at the zoo.

Actually, that's the one
part that did ring true.

Look, I'm sorry, but the reason
we did it was because...

Please try not to be
too offended, but...

We just thought that
your behaviour was a bit...

..pushy. Pushy? How?

Well, we don't need to go
into all the little details.

No, go on, tell me. Now!

How am I pushy?
Go on, how am I pushy? How?!

Well, you took the bigger bedroom.

You said you didn't mind about that.

Oh, we're liars, you should have
worked that out by now!

And it wasn't just the room,
it was all sorts of things.

The food, the music,
dressing for dinner -

everything.

I see.

Well, I'd be lying if I said
you were the first to say it.

Other people have told me
similar things in the past.

Their bodies still
haven't been discovered.

And I admit, we do like
things a certain way.

Especially me,
I can come across as bossy.

And perhaps sometimes we do take
things a little bit far.

I'm sorry.

Why don't you take
our bedroom tonight?

Oh, thank you...
We don't want your bedroom.

We could all sleep in the same bed.

We don't really go
in for partner swapping.

I suggested it once,
but apparently you have to take

your own husband back afterwards.

We're sorry. This was supposed
to be a relaxing break for us all.

Well, we've still got
half a day tomorrow. Exactly.

And we'll be going to that
monastery.

But only if that's
what you'd like to do, of course.

That would be lovely, thank you.

I'm sorry we made you uncomfortable.

And I'm sorry we lied.

And I'm sorry we took
the bigger bedroom.

And I'm sorry we compared you
to a poodle,

and said Anna was like Hitler.

How long were you stood
at that window?

Only a few seconds.

So you didn't hear us say that bit?

No.

Right.

We're leaving first in the morning.

You two can clear up.

Yeah, that's fine.

Yeah, not going out
Not staying in

Just hanging around with my head
in a spin

But there is no need
to scream and shout

We're not going out

? We are not going out. ?

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