Original subtitles

Yeah, not going out Not staying in

Just hanging around with my head in a spin

But there is no need to scream and shout

We're not going out

? We are not going out! ?

Aw. See? What did I say? It's lovely.

Give it a chance. Anna and Toby aren't here yet.

Are you sure this was such a good idea?

What's not to like?

The New Forest, no kids, just us and our friends.

Exactly, friends. Let's keep it that way.

What do you mean? It's one thing sharing a coffee,

it's a different thing going to a holiday cottage

for the whole weekend. They'll spend the whole time bickering.

They might not. The change of scene might mellow them.

Yeah, that's right.

Send them off into the middle of a forest and suddenly

it'll be like... What's that romantic comedy called?

Deliverance.

Hi, Anna!

Got you.

I knew she wasn't there, the temperature hadn't dropped.

Let's have a look at the bedrooms.

It's not exactly like the website, is it?

Well, there's a good view of...

..the car parking spaces.

That might come in handy, actually. Why?

In case we decide to attach a hose to the exhaust pipe

and asphyxiate ourselves.

Maybe we should unpack?

What, and then jump in the suitcase and sleep in there?

There'll be more room.

Come on, let's have a look at the upstairs bedroom.

Erm, heavy suitcase?

Yeah, bring that.

Oh, this is more like it.

They obviously only took photos of the better one.

Same reason you're hardly in our wedding album.

Oh, and it's got a Nespresso!

It's only a coffee machine.

Oh, why does Clooney bother?

Well, this is awkward.

What is? Deciding who gets this room.

Don't be silly, I'll let you share it with me.

There's nothing to decide. It's ours.

First come, first served - it's an unwritten rule.

We can't just claim it.

Anna and I booked this together.

The unwritten rule is that they have to offer it to us.

We have to wait until they arrive.

We should at least mark our territory.

If you do that, I'm sleeping in the car.

Just something small, a little sign that establishes

that is our room.

Like what?

Unpack.

Unpack?

Why don't we just both strip off and get in the bath?

That's not an actual suggestion.

Well, what, then?

We could leave our bags in here. How's that?

OK.

Not on the bed!

It's too obvious. Next to the bed.

No, it's too close. Put them...

..there.

Perfect.

That sends exactly the right message.

Yeah, if that message is,

I'm a passive-aggressive psychopath.

It's got to be first come, first served.

Can we talk about something else?

What do you want to do this weekend?

I don't know, I don't mind. What are the options?

There's a craft museum where you can try your hand

at traditional lace-making.

Ooh, I'm not as young as I used to be. Think of me heart.

Or there's the ruins of an Anglo-Saxon monastery.

Or Jungle Jeremy's Crazy-Fun Zoo.

Mmm!

Difficult decision.

Ruins, fun?

Ruins, fun?

Talk of the devil.

So, you finally got here.

We'd have been here a lot sooner if Toby didn't drive so slowly.

Well, it's hard to build up enough speed when your wife's

packed so much. Four cases for a single weekend.

Hmm, a single weekend would be a lovely idea.

I'm only joking. I actually find it strangely soothing

watching you pack your bags.

Sorry, awful journey.

Let's unpack. What are the bedrooms like?

Oh, well, we haven't really looked yet, have we, Lee?

No, just slung our bags in the first bedroom we came to.

What, that one over there? Erm, no.

It was the one upstairs, actually.

The first bedroom you came to was upstairs?

Well, always start at the top of the house and work your way down.

I learned that from...

..Father Christmas.

Well, nothing's been decided. Have a look around.

Oh, this is nice.

I see you've started settling in. Oh, no.

Like we say, we just dumped the bags in here.

You've already had a bit of a lie down, I see?

Just five minutes.

You know what it's like after a long drive -

I just like to slip my shoes and pants off.

He didn't do that.

Well, this is a lovely room.

If you like that sort of thing.

Which we do.

OK, Anna, shall we check out the other bedroom? Mmm.

What are they doing? They should have just offered us this room.

Why are they checking out the other one?

They've probably gone to see

if you've been sleeping in that bed too, Goldilocks.

I specifically told you not to touch it.

Touch it? I'm beginning to wish we'd had sex in it.

They'll be back in a second, this is your last chance.

Well, I'm up for it if you...

Your last chance to start behaving like an adult!

Don't make this awkward.

HE SIGHS

FOOTSTEPS

So, how is the other room?

Uh, cosy.

Right, so...? So, who's going to go where, then?

Well, we really don't mind either way, do we, Lee?

Well...

We don't mind either way either.

I suppose we could always toss a coin to decide who sleeps where?

Didn't think it was going to be that sort of a weekend!

I really don't have a preference.

Me neither. I'm happy with you or Toby.

I guess, as nobody minds either way...

Which we don't. And neither do we.

..and given that our suitcases are already...

There is just one thing.

What?

Anna's a very light sleeper.

Oh, now, Toby!

I told you not to make a fuss about this.

You did. I'm sorry, darling.

It's just with this being the quieter room,

with it being upstairs and, I don't know,

perhaps it makes more sense if we take this one?

Hmm.

Of course.

Only if you're absolutely 110% sure you don't mind.

Not sure it's possible to be 110% sure about anything...

..and yet we are.

That's settled, then.

Toby, help take their bags downstairs.

Light sleeper?

I thought the undead never slept.

We should just stand her upright in the larder.

Well, I'm just glad you're taking this so well.

What, so they mean, this is the noisy room?

Doesn't sound very noisy to me. It does to me.

I don't even care about the bedroom.

I have to say, that is coming across very strongly.

It's the principle. What principle?

The United Nations international declaration on first dibs.

And you know this won't be the end of it. Oh, good.

Now they know they can trample all over us.

By Sunday night, we'll be serving them little cakes on doilies

and answering to "garcon".

And I bet you any amount of money they try and leave first

on the final day.

Why would they do that?

It's the oldest trick in the book.

Then we are lumbered with the bulk of the tidying-up.

People always try that one.

My dad used to do it to whole marriages.

Anna and Toby won't try and leave first.

Trust me, they'll do it.

Taking the bigger bedroom. Pfft!

Lee, I really think you need to let this go.

Rise above it.

There's a story in the Bible where Jesus says,

"If a man steals your coat, then give him your shirt too."

Yeah, there's also story in the Bible about how Jesus got

kicked out of five-star accommodation and had to sleep

in a shed.

We're going to show them that we're not petty.

In fact, we're going to go the opposite way

and be really lovely about it.

We're going to go in there and prove that we're the better people

and offer to make them dinner.

So, let me get this right. Not only are we sleeping below them

in the rubbish accommodation, we're now going to cook for them?

What is this, Downton Abbey?

CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS

In your pyjamas already? These aren't my pyjamas.

It's OK if you want to wear your bed things for dinner.

We wouldn't dream of trying to stop you.

Good, because I sleep naked.

This music's nice. Where's it coming from?

I connected my phone.

What to, the spirit world?

We have other music, if you prefer.

Arias From The Coloratura Repertoire.

WOMAN SINGS LIVELY ARIA

If this is Barry White,

I don't think it's playing on the right speed.

Not a fan of the Italian classics, then?

No, no, it's perfect.

Goes really well with the screaming in me head.

MUSIC OFF

So, what do people want to do tomorrow?

The zoo. We're open to anything.

The zoo.

I notice there's an Anglo-Saxon monastery not far away.

Could be interesting.

Or the zoo sounds good too. Doesn't it, Anna?

Hmm.

So, what's it going to be?

St Audoem's Monastery or Jungle Jeremy's Cra...?

You don't need to say the name of the zoo.

Why don't we head off to the monastery in the morning,

see how it goes, and take the rest of the day from there?

But they're miles apart.

That's settled, then.

Right, I'm famished.

Oh, good.

Because I'm cooking dinner for us all.

Oh!

What a lovely gesture.

Spag bol.

Right.

But we can't let you do that.

You were lovely and gave us the quieter room.

No, I insist.

I won't hear of it.

We're going to do all the cooking for the whole weekend.

Don't be silly.

How about tonight I do smoked salmon tartlets,

followed by sirloin steaks and then a raspberry Pavlova?

Honestly, I'd be more then happy to do my spag bol.

Absolutely not.

Spag bol?

You're on holiday, you're supposed to have a treat.

Come on, Toby, let's get the rest of the food from the car.

The cheek!

Did you hear the way she said "spag bol" like she was spitting it out?

Well, she's quite posh.

She probably doesn't know what spag bol is.

Perhaps you should have added the words "hetti" and "ognese".

Thanks for your support. Well, you didn't support me about the zoo.

That's because I don't care about the bloody zoo.

Oh, right, so you'd rather go to the monastery?

What kind of person wants to spend their Sunday mornings

in a church?

Anyway, I thought you were rising above it.

Well, I was until she started taking control of the kitchen.

And it's the way she did it, standing there with a big fake smile

on her face.

I can't stand it when people are insincere,

acting like everything's fine when...

Can I give you a hand with that, Anna?

No, you sit yourselves down and relax.

Why don't I make a salad?

No, Toby's on salad duty. He has an affinity with wet lettuce.

Whereas Anna is more iceberg.

You're being far too nice, Anna.

There must be something Lee and I can do.

Well, if you absolutely insist.

I do.

What would be really helpful, and doing me an enormous favour,

would be if you could lay the table.

If you're sure you don't mind? Course not.

It's times like this you miss having the children around to help.

Not that we're comparing you to children, of course.

Of course not.

Lee, clothes on, dinner won't be long.

Will you keep still?

I would if I could find a sliver of mattress that didn't feel

like a pincushion.

I'm getting back ache. And it stinks.

Is now a really bad time to ask for sex?

Told you this weekend was a bad idea.

Only 36 hours to go.

They're intolerable.

The food, the music, your clothes - they want to control everything.

What can we do?

We play them at their own game.

We stop apologising and we start taking control.

We make them do what we want to do, and we don't take no for an answer.

Show them who's the daddy.

We're the daddy.

And daddy's taking us to the zoo tomorrow.

That sounded better in my head.

ALL: Morning!

Sleep well? Like a log.

Oh, we thought you were a light sleeper, Anna?

Well, I slept like a light log.

Like a twig.

Bacon sarnies, everyone?

Oh, now you put that away.

Breakfast is already taken care of.

Anna, is there no end to your talents?

Yeah, when does it end?

It's no problem, we don't want you two to do anything.

Perhaps you should digest and excrete it for us too.

All right, that was a bit much.

I might take a couple of these for the monkeys.

What monkeys?

The monkeys at the zoo.

What about the monastery?

No, they don't have monkeys at a monastery.

You're thinking of monks.

We thought we were looking round the monastery first.

Well, we thought we'd go to the zoo first,

because mornings at the best time to beat the crowds. Right.

Actually, we've been thinking that we might struggle to do both.

Oh, dear.

Looks like we'll have to choose.

So, what's it going to be?

Toby?

Right. Erm...

The thing is... What?

Now, Toby, don't start making a fuss about my allergies to animals.

You've never mentioned that before. Which animals?

Penguins.

Penguins? Yep.

It's amazing what you can p-p-p-pick up from them.

So, would you mind awfully if we play safe and avoid the zoo?

Look, Lucy didn't want me to mention this,

but today just happens to be our anniversary.

Your anniversary's in December.

Not our wedding anniversary, the anniversary of the first time we...

I'm not sure I'm ready to hear this.

Of the first time we met.

Which was at the zoo.

Wasn't it, Lucy?

Yeah.

I thought you met when you were Lucy's lodger?

Yeah, we did, but she actually found me at the zoo.

Was it a rehoming scheme?

So we always like to try and get along to a zoo at this time of year.

If we can. You must have been to a lot of zoos over the years.

Yeah, we have.

London, Whipsnade...

..Babylon.

So, why don't we go to the zoo, but avoid the penguins?

I tell you what. Why don't you two go,

and we'll stay behind and get started on dinner?

Oh, no, we don't want you to miss out.

And besides, I'm cooking tonight.

No, no.

We're cooking all weekend, remember?

No, I won't hear of it.

You've done far too much already.

And besides, I wanted to share with you the first meal we ate together.

At the zoo.

Was it peanuts?

Do you remember what it was, Lee?

Was it spag bol?

Yes, it was!

And so we're cooking tonight, aren't we, Lee?

What were you going to cook?

I mean, yes, we are!

So, zoo first

and then spag bol.

If that's OK with you?

How could we possibly object?

Toby, c-c-can you think of the way we could object?

You're not a very good liar. I don't have to be.

It might not have been at the zoo, but today just happens

to be the anniversary of the first day we met.

Oh, is it?

See, I AM a good liar.

THUNDER RUMBLES

Did you enjoy that?

I can honestly say I will remember that day for years to come.

Me too.

How often do you get the chance to see a gazelle?

Well, we saw a few on our four-night safari in Kenya.

Yes, but how often you get the chance to see a gazelle

in a ten-foot enclosure being fed Quavers by a toddler?

Music?

I know how you two like the Italian classics,

so this one's especially for you guys.

MUSIC: Shaddap You Face by Joe Dolce

Is this Joe Dolce? Sure is!

Don't tell me, it was playing on the day you first met? Yep!

? What's-a matter you? Hey! Gotta no respect? ?

I wouldn't exactly call it classical.

It's a bit loud.

? ..It's-a not so bad... ?

Could you turn it down a touch?

? ..Ah, shaddap-a you face! ?

Will you also be wearing pyjamas for dinner tonight, darling?

Of course.

But I'm thoroughly enjoying our anniversary so far.

Me too.

It's brilliant.

Tomorrow, let's make them go to Laser Quest.

I think our Joe-Dolce-themed spag bol night will be enough.

Then we're even.

Not quite. We're still leaving before they do tomorrow morning.

Not this again.

No-one leaves early so others clean up.

It's all in your head. You wait, they will try it.

So, you're not annoyed that I lied about it being our anniversary?

Well, it doesn't count as a lie if you use it to get something

you really want.

I must remember to tell the kids that.

Anyway, it was a necessary evil.

Anna's my friend but, my God, she's pushy sometimes.

It's like Airbnb-ing in Hitler's bunker.

Toby's just as bad.

Well, he just does whatever Anna wants.

He's like Siri, but with less initiative.

Hi, Toby.

Yeah, the old "he's standing behind you" routine

doesn't really work if they're in a different room.

Hello.

Just popped out to the car to get a book.

Didn't see you standing there.

Right.

See you at dinner, then.

Did you know he was standing there? Of course, Lee.

It was seeing his face that reminds me to slag off him

and his wife!

Do you think you heard us?

I don't know!

Oh, God, we admitted we were lying about our anniversary.

And we compared him to a human Siri.

You think that's bad - I said being with Anna

was like sharing a cottage with Hitler.

Well, if he is like Siri, maybe he misheard and thought

you said it was like sharing porridge with Bette Midler.

Oh, God. Well, it could be worse.

How?

If I'd called her a stuck-up witch married to a neutered poodle?

Forgot to lock the boot.

CAR ALARM CHIRRUPS

All right, you big ugly knobheads?

I'm sorry? I was just saying to Lucy how it's great with friends

that you can jokily insult them and no-one takes you seriously.

Wasn't I, you fat smelly muppet?

What are you doing? I thought we were cooking tonight.

And we decided not to let you.

Why? You can't cook on your anniversary, Lucy.

No, it's your special day.

Well, it's not that special.

It's not our real anniversary.

We know.

It's the anniversary of the day you met.

At the zoo. With the spag bol.

And Shaddap You Face.

How long were you stood at that window? Why do you ask?

I'm always scratching me arse when I think no-one's watching.

Well, I didn't see anything.

Did you hear anything?

How loud were you scratching it?

It's good of you to dress for dinner tonight, Lee.

Well, you made such an effort we thought we should.

And it's your anniversary.

How many years ago did you meet, exactly?

Seven.

You've got a son older than that.

He means 2007.

Anyway, enough about us. What do you guys do

to celebrate your anniversaries?

Oh, nothing special, just the traditional stuff.

Two minutes' silence?

Well, we're certainly not like you two, with your big

romantic, fanciful celebrations.

This food is lovely.

Well, make sure you leave room for dessert, because Anna has made

something very special for you.

Oh, don't be silly, Toby.

It's nothing much. I just had to cobble something

together from a few basic ingredients because,

obviously, we had no idea it was your anniversary.

It's only the anniversary of the first day we met.

Oh, you can't play it down now.

Not now we've seen how important it is to you.

Happy anniversary.

Oh, watch that flame, Anna.

Don't want anybody's pants on fire.

We certainly don't, Toby.

And tell them the other thing we decided.

Ah, yeah.

We feel really bad about getting in the way of your romantic break,

so to let you have the last little bit of the weekend

all to yourselves...

We're leaving a few hours early tomorrow.

See!

What? You're not pulling that one on us.

But it's your anniversary.

Oh, come off it, we know you know.

Know what? You know.

And we know you know we know.

Is that another Joe Dolce song?

You heard our conversation through the window.

Did I? What conversation?

The conversation about us inventing our anniversary

so we could get our own way.

You did hear that, didn't you?

Course I heard it!

As if it wasn't obvious that Lee was lying right from the start.

Watching Lee thinking on his feet is like watching our son explain

that a ghost got in and ate all the Jaffa Cakes.

Nobody celebrates the anniversary of the day they met.

You don't remember the day we met?

I said celebrate, not remember.

I can't believe you went along with it, Lucy.

Well, maybe it was a bit far-fetched saying I met Lee at the zoo.

Actually, that's the one part that did ring true.

Look, I'm sorry, but the reason we did it was because...

Please try not to be too offended, but...

We just thought that your behaviour was a bit...

..pushy. Pushy? How?

Well, we don't need to go into all the little details.

No, go on, tell me. Now!

How am I pushy? Go on, how am I pushy? How?!

Well, you took the bigger bedroom.

You said you didn't mind about that.

Oh, we're liars, you should have worked that out by now!

And it wasn't just the room, it was all sorts of things.

The food, the music, dressing for dinner -

everything.

I see.

Well, I'd be lying if I said you were the first to say it.

Other people have told me similar things in the past.

Their bodies still haven't been discovered.

And I admit, we do like things a certain way.

Especially me, I can come across as bossy.

And perhaps sometimes we do take things a little bit far.

I'm sorry.

Why don't you take our bedroom tonight?

Oh, thank you... We don't want your bedroom.

We could all sleep in the same bed.

We don't really go in for partner swapping.

I suggested it once, but apparently you have to take

your own husband back afterwards.

We're sorry. This was supposed to be a relaxing break for us all.

Well, we've still got half a day tomorrow. Exactly.

And we'll be going to that monastery.

But only if that's what you'd like to do, of course.

That would be lovely, thank you.

I'm sorry we made you uncomfortable.

And I'm sorry we lied.

And I'm sorry we took the bigger bedroom.

And I'm sorry we compared you to a poodle,

and said Anna was like Hitler.

How long were you stood at that window?

Only a few seconds.

So you didn't hear us say that bit?

No.

Right.

We're leaving first in the morning.

You two can clear up.

Yeah, that's fine.

Yeah, not going out Not staying in

Just hanging around with my head in a spin

But there is no need to scream and shout

We're not going out

? We are not going out. ?

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