All language subtitles for Not Going Out s09e07 Bust Up.eng

We're not going out

Not staying in

Just hanging around
With my head in a spin

But there is no need
to scream and shout

We're not going out

? We are not going out. ?

How about this one?

Yep, that looks great, I like it.

OK, how about this one?

Yeah, that's nice as well.

Why do you need a dress, anyway?
You've already got a dress.

I thought I'd go crazy
and own two dresses.

I was getting jealous, what with
you owning two pairs of underpants.

I just want one thing
that makes me feel like a woman,

besides three kids
and stretch marks.

Can I help you?

Just trying to work out whether I
can get away without wearing a bra.

Hm, well, you won't get
much support.

I'm used to that.

HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:
Hey, Pluto, you look great!

Remember those days, dear?

Yeah, all bouncy and full of life.

Well, gravity makes fools of us all.

I meant the girls, not... Well, it's
what happens when you have children.

How do you know I've got children?

Oh, you've got children.

Do you think those are real?

No, definitely not,
they're way too spherical.

Real ones are more misshapen.

You are talking about the pearls?

No, her breasts.

Oh, right.

No, definitely not,
they're way too spherical.

Real ones are more misshapen.

Would you ever consider it?
A boob job? I don't think so.

It's a bit tacky, isn't it?

Not necessarily.

Showing them off in a magazine

that comes with a free sachet
of Horlicks might be.

No, boob jobs are for vain, insecure
types with more money than sense.

Actually, Lucy, I've had it done.

Yeah, but that's different,
you know, because...

No, I've got nothing.

I just mean there are other
procedures I'd have done first,

like removing my foot from my mouth
and putting it on my ankle.

So, um, when did you have it done?

Just after Jack was born.

You let a little lodger
live inside you for nine months

and they just trash the place.

If your body was a studio flat,
they'd never get the deposit back.

It's the best thing I've ever done.

It made me feel much better
about myself.

Have you tried the pencil test?

The what? You know, you place
a pencil under each breast,

if they don't fall to the floor,

you know things aren't quite
as pert as they used to be.

Mind you, in this digital age,
who uses a pencil any more?

Well, I reckon I could get
a couple of iPads under there now.

So I was saying all this stuff
about boob jobs

and it turns out
Anna's had one done.

She's had one done?
Wouldn't that make her lopsided?

By the way, why have two pencils
suddenly appeared

next to the bathroom mirror?

No idea.

Well, it doesn't surprise me
Anna's had a boob job,

she's the type that would do that.

Oh, and what type is that?

Oh, you know, vain and shallow.

She'd probably have her legs
cut off

if she thought Gucci
made designer ones.

Look at this.

Oh, it's all right for you to read
these magazines, but not me?

Look at this woman's breasts.

I won't, and you can't make me.

It's that posh actress
you like from Casualty.

She's had a boob job.

Has she? Well, it's put me off,
knowing she's fake.

I bet she's not even a real nurse.

Celebrities, eh?

Well, it's not just celebrities
that get it done, you know.

TV SOUND OFF

Well, you wouldn't consider it,
would you?

Oh, I see.

Anna's had a boob job
and now you want one.

It's the Nespresso frother
all over again.

Look, I'm only vaguely
thinking about it.

I'd probably never do it.
But there's no harm in us

just having a little chat about it,
is there?

OK, let's chat.

All right. What do you want to know?

How much does it cost?

That's your first question?

All right, well,
what is a good question?

Can you get one big one
and one small one?

It costs less than
that ride-on lawn mower

you seem to think we need so much.

Yeah, but you can't sit
on a new pair of boobs

and scream, "Vroom-vroom."

You can if you ask nicely.

All right, the most
important question: why?

Oh, I don't know.
I just feel like I'm getting older

and things aren't where
they used to be.

You know, when I was in my twenties,
I once went out in a bikini top

and a man crashed into a viaduct.

Now, the only way my boobs
would cause a car crash is

if I got one
caught under the brake pedal.

I can't believe that you would talk
to Anna about this before me.

Oh, we were only chatting about it.

We're women, we sometimes like to

talk about things like boob jobs,
OK?

Blimey! Did Germaine Greer jump
in front of that horse for nothing?

Why are you so dead
against the idea?

How would you feel
if I suddenly announced

I wanted a penis enlargement?

I'd say you didn't need it.

You paused!

Look, can we talk about this later?
I need to go to the supermarket.

I'll come with you.

Don't worry,
Asda hasn't started doing boob jobs.

I wish they would.
Buy one, get one free.

Why on Earth would you want
to get a boob job?

Oh, for God's sake,
I didn't say I wanted one,

I just said I wanted to talk about
it, you know, like a normal couple?

We are a normal couple, and
so are those. So leave them alone.

This has really
got to you, hasn't it?

Oh, I'm sorry, Lucy, but I just
feel like someone's trying to take

my favourite local pub and turn it
into a shiny new Wetherspoons.

My breasts are not like a pub.

Oh, I don't know,
they're both places

I frequent a lot less
since we had the kids.

Am I missing something here?

What part of our marriage vows said
they're as much yours as mine?

"To have and to hold."

Bloody Anna!

This isn't because of Anna.

Do you really think
I'm that shallow?

No, but she is. She's not that bad.

Yes, she is.
So self-obsessed, so up herself.

I'm telling you, those fake boobs
are the only thing stopping Anna

disappearing up her own backside.

Hello.

I don't suppose you heard that,
did you?

No, I didn't hear anything.

Right.

How could I have, with my head
shoved so far up my backside?

Bing-bong!
Social awkwardness in aisle nine.

Can we have a metaphorical
mop and bucket, please?

Oh, look, they've got Marmite.
I love Marmite.

No, you don't, Toby, you hate it.
Just like you hate confrontation.

Well, I'm surprised to see
you two in here.

Obviously. Well, you know,
we like to try out new places

to argue in public.

Waitrose is closed for a refurb,

so we're seeing how
the other half lives.

It's charming, like being on safari.

Why don't we go and grab a coffee,
Lee?

I'm feeling dangerously
under-caffeinated and un-anxious.

Yes, what a good idea,
you two go to the man creche

and I'll see if I can find
pak choi in this hell hole.

Aisle two.

But here they call it,
"I can't believe it's not cabbage".

You never told me
that Anna had had a boob job.

Oh, I'm sorry, we did apply
for planning permission,

so the council should
have put the notices up.

How did you, er, feel about it?

Could we talk about
something less personal?

Like how often we have sex,

or what style she likes
to wax her bikini line?

I'm going for every fourth Wednesday
and conservatively vajazzled.

Come on, how did you feel about it?

I wasn't massively keen
to start with.

I think society has too narrow
a view of female beauty.

That's good, I might use that line.

Plus, as a doctor,
I was worried that

even administering a regionalised
neuroleptic anaesthesia could result

in post-operative systemic toxicity.

I probably won't use that line.

So what's your objection to Lucy
having breast augmentation?

Breast augmentation is a boob job,
Lee.

The medical term is breasts,
not boobs or jugs.

Or chesticles.

I'll tell you my objections.
Where does it stop?

She might start
whittling away at herself

until she's just
a big toe in a bikini.

I don't want her to change,
she looks really great.

And you tell her that, do you?

Yeah.

Sort of.

How often?

What? When was the last time
you paid her a proper compliment?

A few weeks ago.

I said she had nice hair.

All right, I said
she had a lot of hair.

You know, luscious and thick.

If those are your pet names
for each other,

I'm assuming that she's Luscious.

If you are so against the idea
of her changing the way she is,

why not try complimenting her
on the way she looks now?

Maybe you're right.

"Lots of hair!"

Yeah, all right!
I was unblocking the shower.

I'm home, my beautiful princess.

Oh, hello.

I got you these.

Lamppost or gravestone?

I'm not that crass.

The Esso garage.

Aw. What brought this on?

Well, I was just looking at you
in the supermarket aisle

and I thought, phwoar!

You should be writing these down.

Since Barry White's death, there's
an opening for a new Walrus Of Love.

I was looking at your face
and your smile, your hair,

your beautiful, shiny,
correct amount of hair.

And I was thinking, you're as
stunning now as the day we met.

In fact, more so now you're
not wearing a velour tracksuit.

They were very fashionable
back then. Yeah.

It's amazing what we found
attractive back in the noughties.

You're telling me.

Anyway, you were gorgeous then,
and you're gorgeous now.

And you've got an amazing body.

Is that right? Yeah.

Especially given that you've had
three beautiful children.

Sorry?

You're perfect.

What, you mean for a woman
whose body has been used

as an all-you-can-eat baby buffet?

I didn't mean that.

Well, that's what it sounded like.

Is that all this is about, to stop
me thinking about having a boob job?

No.
And it's called breast augmentation.

But now that you mention it, I don't
think you should be considering it.

I think your boobs are fine.

Fine?

Not fine, good.

Oh, thanks, Mr Ofsted, I hope
they don't get downgraded

to "satisfactory".

This is stupid, Lucy, you know
I'm more of an arse man, anyway.

Arse man?

Arse man? What's that?
Some kind of superhero?

The Incredible Arse Man,
cursed to roam the Earth

with all the powers
of a total arse?

Lucy, you're being ridiculous.

Well, maybe I am, but how come you
always get first dibs on that one?

Can't I be ridiculous for once
and you be the sensible one?

Might make a zesty change of pace
in this household.

I cannot believe that
you are thinking of conforming

to society's narrow view
of female beauty.

Oh, don't start preaching to me

about how women are viewed
in society.

You switched off Countdown because
Rachel Riley was wearing a cardigan!

I've made a lot of sacrifices
for this family

and I just feel like
it's time I did something for me.

Even if it seems silly
and irrational to you.

What, and I don't get
any say at all?

No, you don't,
because you don't own my body, Lee.

Oh, well, that's interesting,

cos when I wanted to get that
tattoo, you were dead against it.

Well, it is one thing
admiring Laurel and Hardy,

it is another thing committing them
to each buttock.

But, yes, maybe I should have
been more supportive.

So, if you still want to get
a tattoo, Lee, you have my blessing.

Ah, right, but only if you get a
boob job. What's that, tit for tat?

You know what, Lee, I was only
ever considering doing this.

But thanks for making me realise
I do want to do it.

I'm going to call Anna
and I'm going to ask her to give me

the name of her surgeon,
whether you like it or not.

Fine,
well, maybe I'll get that tattoo,

and then you can kiss my...
Stan and Olly.

I knew I shouldn't have
listened to you.

Don't blame me because you're
terrible at paying compliments.

No, I'm not. Yes, you are.

What did you say about my new shoes?

I don't know.

You said, "Ooh, they look comfy."

What's wrong with that?

It suggests that they're practical,
yet boring.

Well, I thought they suited you.

I just wanted Lucy
to feel good about herself

and now I've made matters worse.

And now your bloody wife is round
our house helping her pick out

new nipples from a catalogue.

I wasn't sure about
Anna's augmentation either,

but then I saw how happy
she was afterwards.

She was more confident,
she walked with her head held high

and her shoulders back.

To stop her toppling over?

Lucy doesn't need help
picking nipples from a catalogue.

She's clearly fine at choosing tits.

Sorry.

Can I give you some advice?

Be supportive of her decision.

Go with her to the consultation.
Be by her side,

help her do something she clearly
thinks is going to make her happy.

Oh, you're right.

Of course you are.

I haven't really been considering
Lucy's feelings, have I?

I'm going to tell her
I support her in her wishes.

Thanks, Toby.

Do you want another? Yeah, why not?
They should get bigger cups.

Don't you start.

Sorry about what was said earlier.

Which bit?

Am I vain, insecure,
more money than sense,

or have I got my head
up my backside?

All of them.

I mean, I'm sorry about all of them.

I was a bit dismissive about people
who've had cosmetic surgery.

And so was Lee.

Exactly.

It's bad enough being judged by you,
but being judged by Lee, in Asda!

In an aisle that sells cheese
in a can!

Well, I'm certainly not judging you,
Anna.

In fact, I was wondering if
I could have your surgeon's number?

I'm thinking of doing it.

Oh. Well, what brought that on?

I want to feel good about myself.

And it's either that or
start tucking them into my socks.

So, um, I was wondering
if you could tell me

what you'd had done, exactly?

Oh, nothing excessive.

Just a tasteful augmentation
to lift and enhance,

may have gone up a cup size, or two.

Less Page 3, more Boden catalogue.

It's OK, Lucy, you can ask me.

Ask you what?

If you can see them.

What! I wasn't, I mean...

Actually, can I? Of course.

I'm happy to show you.

Wow, is this real?

Or am I making a cameo appearance
in one of Lee's dreams?

As Lee would say, crikey, O'Reilly!
They are incredible, Anna.

They're like works of art.

Yes.

That's why they stay
behind a velvet rope

and an alarm goes off
if Toby tries to touch them.

Crikey, O'Reilly!

Hello? I'm back.

Home at 9.36pm
and not a minute earlier.

I thought Anna was here.

She popped out.

I saw.

I mean, I can see.

She had to pop home to get me
something.

What? You're not going to like it.

Try me. Every now
and again, Anna does something that

I find surprisingly tolerable.

She's gone home to get me
the details of her surgeon.

She knows him well and reckons she
can get him to see me quite quickly.

So, I'm sorry, Lee,
but I'm going through with it.

Well, I've been thinking
about things,

and I've decided to support you
in your wishes.

What?

You deserve to do something that
makes you feel good about yourself,

and although I still don't think
you need a boob job,

if you still want to go and see
the consultant,

I want to come with you,
to be there for you.

Oh, right, well, that's great.

And you know I'm not being
influenced

by Anna having had it done,
don't you? I know, me, neither.

What? Nothing.

She's been really good to talk to

and she's made me feel
really comfortable about it,

but I'm not doing it
because she has.

I know. And I'm sorry I said that.

Good.

Although I still want
that Nespresso frother.

Noted.

Aw, thanks, Lee.

Hey, you'll never guess
what she did?

What?

She showed me them.

She actually undid her blouse
and bra and got them out.

No!

Honestly, Lee, they were...

Impressive. Impressive?

Impressive.

If you'd have seen her body,
you would have thought she was 28.

Oh, I'd have said more like 38DD.

But you've seen them
and I haven't, so let's go with 28.

Oh, I'm really pleased
you're coming with me.

Who knows, you might even
think of some questions

I hadn't even considered.

And what about heat? Will they melt

if she sits next to
a three-bar fire?

No, they won't melt,
but they might freeze up in winter.

That was just a joke.

Like yours.

Mine wasn't a joke.

Right.

And what about the, um, the cost?

Lee. Myself and Dr Rhodes have
already discussed this on the phone.

All the details of prices are here.

Blimey.
Now I finally understand the phrase,

"You don't get many of those
to the pound."

Sorry, please carry on.

Well, we've discussed on the phone
what you wanted to achieve, Lucy,

so maybe now I can show you
some images.

And we can discuss options.

Wow.

There are so many to choose from.

Any thoughts, Lee?

I mean, adult ones.

Yeah, those are...fine.

What about those?

Yep.

Those?

Yep, sure.

He was like this when we were
choosing samples in Allied Carpets.

It's all right, you're allowed
to say which ones you like.

OK, what about
the beige waterproof ones

that don't show
the kids' Ribena stains?

Sorry.
It just feels like a trap, you know,

the kind of question
you shouldn't answer honestly.

Like when you say,
"Are my fairy cakes dry?"

Or, "Do you think
my mum's attractive?"

I'm sorry, I didn't realise.

And do you feel that way?

Well,
she does sometimes look quite hot,

especially in that little red dress.

I meant the fairy cakes.

Right.

Come on, it's all right, Lee,
you can say which ones are nice,

I won't be offended.

All right, well,
those and those are...good.

Those? Really?

That's interesting. What is?

Well, it's just that you've gone
for the bigger ones, that's all.

Yes, some of those would be
quite a dramatic enhancement.

Those patients already had
fairly large breasts.

Fairly? I thought I was looking
at a pop-up book.

All right. What about those?

Those?

They're massive!
I need to be able to see over them!

They're more the sort of breasts
you'd want

if you needed to cross the desert.

All right, well, why don't you
tell me which ones you prefer?

Well, I was thinking of
maybe something like this?

Well, those are the same size
as the ones you have now.

So?

Well, I don't understand.

What don't you understand?

Well, why go through all this
and end up with the same size boobs?

Surely the whole point is that
you want bigger ones, don't you?

Who said I wanted big boobs?

You did. Didn't you?

No. I said I wanted a boob job.

And does "boob" not mean
what I think it means?

Is "boob" now a slang word for feet?
Are you getting bigger feet?

Nothing is getting bigger.
Apart from the hole you're digging.

I just wanted a bit of
lift and shaping, you know,

perkier and up here.

Location, location, location!
But definitely not bigger.

Right.

I was only joking, by the way, your
fairy cakes are really moist. Ha.

Is that what you wanted, then,
me to end up with bigger boobs?

Don't start making this about me.

Well, it's hard not to make it
about you, when all the women

you've picked out make Katie Price
look like an ironing board.

I just thought you wanted
bigger boobs, OK?

Why would you think that?

I just assumed, especially the way
you were gawping at Anna's

when she whipped hers out.

When did you see me gawping at Anna?

I didn't.

Your description of the events
just made it come to life.

You should write novels.

Oh, I see.

You were there, weren't you?
You saw them.

All right, I came home early
and I saw Anna through the window,

swinging her baps around
like the Hovis bread man.

So why didn't you say anything?

Well, what was I supposed to say?

"Hi, Anna, nice boobs. I like the
way they follow you round the room."

I mean,
why didn't you say anything to me?

Because I was...embarrassed.

Yeah, I bet you were.

Oh, this is all making sense now.

Before, you were all like,
"Don't do it, don't throw

"the family savings at some
morally bankrupt Dr Frankenstein."

She's paraphrasing.

But then you saw Anna's
big old mamas and papas

and everything changes.

Not only do you suddenly
support my decision,

you actually want me to get
a pair that look like

Right Said Fred have reformed.

That is not true! I'd already
chatted with Toby in the coffee shop

and realised I needed
to support your wishes.

You mean you realised you could
end up with a nice big pair.

In fact, the perfect pair,

the same as Anna's,
but without Anna attached!

Perhaps you should go away
and give this some more thought.

Fine!

You're blowing this up
out of all proportion.

Oh, I'm sorry, Lee, I thought
that's what you were after.

Do we have to do shopping now? Can't
we go home and talk about this?

The mood I'm in now, it's probably
better if we stay here,

in public,
where there are witnesses.

I don't understand why you're so
upset. It's your hypocrisy, Lee!

I wouldn't have minded
if you'd been honest from the start,

but you had to pretend to be
all noble and new man about it!

Really make me
feel bad for even considering it,

but it turns out I'm married
to Benny Hill! I'm the one that

didn't even want you to have
a boob job in the first place.

Exactly! Right up
until you saw Anna's whoppers,

then you soon put in an order
for an extra large Happy Meal!

Whoppers are Burger King,
McDonald's are Happy Meals.

Look, I swear, seeing Anna
did not make me change my mind

about supporting you.

I'd already decided that
in the coffee shop with Toby.

Liar!

Typical man. All I wanted was
a tiny, tasteful breast lift

to feel good about myself,
but it turns out you wanted me

to end up looking like I'm breast
feeding the Mitchell brothers!

You know that was eggs.

And to think you had the audacity
to take the moral high ground,

really making me feel bad!

Oh! Lucy, come back!

Oh, for...

Is this what you wanted?

Oh, dear, look at me
with my big old boobies,

they're causing a commotion!

For God's sake, Lucy! Oh, hello.

You must excuse me, they're just so
big and bouncy and out of control.

You're being ridiculous!
Am I? Isn't this what you wanted?

No, I thought it was what you
wanted!

Oh, come off it, Lee,
you're a bloke, you love big boobs.

You'd love it
if I went back to that surgeon

and asked for double helpings
of Anna's humongous devil fun bags!

Will you keep your voice down! Why?

Are the big boobies
embarrassing you?

Look at me, everyone,
look at my boobs, I'm Anna.

Look at my big, fake, ridiculous,
stupid, bobbly Tupperware knockers!

You know, Anna,
I really think it's time

we considered
ordering our groceries online.

I got you this.

How are you feeling? Mortified.

Embarrassed.

Like a massive tit.

At least there's one silver lining.

Toby told you the truth about
the fact that I'd already decided

to support you. Because I love you.

Not because I saw Anna's boobs.

I'm sorry, Lee.
I shouldn't have doubted you.

I'm going to call round to Anna's
tomorrow to apologise.

Don't worry, Anna's got thick skin.

I bet that surgeon had
to use a pneumatic drill.

Oh, bit late for coffee, isn't it?

Well, I thought you'd want to try
out our new Nespresso frother.

It arrived this afternoon.

Aw, thanks.

And just to be absolutely clear,

it's exactly
the same as Anna's milk frother,

but I'm not saying
there's anything wrong

with the old milk whisk
you've got in the kitchen drawer.

I have been behaving
a bit irrationally, haven't I?

Like that consultant said,

I need to give the whole thing
a lot more thought.

So I've decided, for now,
no breast augmentation.

So your boobs are on hold.

If that's you trying it on,
let me finish my coffee.

I'm glad you're not going
through with it. You're perfect.

Aw, thanks.

I love you, you psycho.

Hey, and maybe I won't get
that penis enlargement.

Good. You paused again!

We're not going out

Not staying in

Just hanging around
with my head in a spin

But there is no need
to scream and shout

We're not going out

? We are not going out. ?

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