All language subtitles for Not Going Out s09e05 Pants on Fire.eng

We're not going out

Not staying in

Just hanging around
With my head in a spin

But there is no need
to scream and shout

We're not going out

? We are not going out. ?

Lee? Lee?

I think he's going deaf.

He has the TV volume up like it's
an old people's home.

Toby wears headphones.
For TV or music?

Just generally around the house.

Well, luckily, the kids are heavy
sleepers.

We've been watching this brutal

Scandinavian crime series on
Netflix. It's brilliant.

It's about a spate of killings
and... Don't tell me!

Oh, are you watching it, too?

No, it's just very boring listening

to people describe box sets on
Netflix.

Anyway, I'd better get going
and hide this shopping.

I have to be secretive.

Toby hates me spending money. It
causes all sorts of rows.

I bet he'll like all that
sexy lingerie.

Well, I'm saving
that for our trip to Tuscany.

A different, brand-new set of
underwear for every day of the week.

Ooh, I might suggest that
idea to Lee.

You know, changing his underpants
every day.

I want it to be a surprise,

so don't mention anything
when you see Toby later. Later?

Tonight. You and Lee are still
coming round for dinner, aren't you?

Oh, yes! Of course.

For a minute there I thought
you'd forgotten. No.

Then there really would be
a spate of killings.

Well, two anyway.

No, we haven't forgotten.
Mum's all booked in to babysit.

Good. I'm doing a
nuestra saffron paella.

Don't worry if Lee's not keen -
I've got fish fingers. Great.

See you at eight. Seven.
Just testing.

Ah, there you are.

Right, straight upstairs, kids,
and clean your teeth.

I want you asleep early tonight,
so don't worry about the ones at the back.

I took them for pizza so we could
crack straight on with the box set.

Oh, I'm so excited. I've been
looking forward to this all day.

I wouldn't bother doing that.

Well, I've got to.
I can't look at a dead Scandinavian

unless my cushions are plump.
Oh, have you been shopping?

Yeah.

Anna took me to the place where
she buys all her underwear.

I thought the ironmongers closed
early on a Thursday.

She bought some very nice things,
actually,

but apparently she
and Toby argue about money,

so she has to be all secretive and
put it somewhere he won't see it.

What, on?

I can't believe we're going to

finally find out who that
murderer is.

I reckon it's the big beardy one
who smokes a pipe. SWITCHES ON TV

Or her husband.

We can't watch it tonight.

We've got to go to Anna
and Toby's for dinner.

SWITCHES OFF TV

What?

I agreed to it last week
and then it just slipped my mind.

I'm sorry, I forgot.
I'm sorry you remembered.

Well, we'll just have to watch
it tomorrow.

We can't watch it tomorrow.

Jackie at work will spoil
the ending for me.

She's finishing the series
tonight as well,

and she'll waltz into work
tomorrow in her fake Jimmy Choos,

and before you know it, it'll be
the talk of the coffee room.

I'm sorry, have you started
working in a nail salon?

We have to watch it tonight.
OK, how about this?

We go to Anna and Toby's
and we leave as early as we can,

then we come back and watch it.
No chance. We'll be knackered.

And I know what you're like,

you'll be asleep before I press
the little red button.

Sorry, are we still
talking about the TV show?

Tell Anna we've got other plans.
She'll understand. No, she won't.

She was bad enough when I cancelled

a coffee morning to give birth to
the twins.

Can't you say
one of the kids is sick?

What, you mean lie?

Well, unless you want to
poison one of them

for the sake of your conscience.

You'll be fine,
just break it to her gently.

I don't want to.
I'm terrible at lying.

I've got an idea - text her. No!
If we did it by text,

Anna would never speak to us again.
I've got an idea -

text her.

Oh, give it here. I'll do it.

There you go, it's ringing.

Thanks a lot, Lee!
What would I do without you?

That isn't rhetorical.
I've started a list.

Oh, hi, Anna. How are you?

Yes, all fine. Really looking
forward to you both...

We're not coming.

Oh, that's it,
break it to her gently.

I'm sorry, it's Molly. She's ill.
Oh.

She seemed full of beans
when I saw her this morning.

Yes, she was, but that was before
the play date,

at...Waterpark World.

You know what those places are like,
teeming with germs and diseases.

I didn't go to Waterpark World!

I want to go to Waterpark World!
You can't go to Waterpark World.

Why not? Because your mother just
invented it. It's not fair!

But if you shush
and go to your bedroom,

I'll take you to a real water park.
Now? Well, not now, obviously.

When? One day. It's not fair!

Tomorrow? Yeeeeeaaaaah!

Benji, I've told you,
be quiet! Your sister's ill!

She doesn't look ill.

But I thought you said your mother
was baby-sitting.

Wendy's wonderful with the children.
Yeah, but Molly's really ill.

Why? What are the symptoms?

Symptoms?

She's got bad breath.

Oh, no, she's being sick.

Which probably explains
the bad breath.

And she's...flushed.

Diarrhoea!

Lucy, she sounds awful. Yeah.

So, we'll just have to reschedule.
I'm sorry, Anna.

Well, not your fault, I guess.

Toby and I will find
something else to do.

I'm sure we can re-heat an old
argument from last week.

Thanks for being
so understanding, Anna. Bye.

Bye.

I feel awful.

You've probably caught
something off Molly.

SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC ON TV

Have you turned your mobile off?
We don't want any distractions.

DIALOGUE ON TV

You unplugged the landline?

Have you turned off that annoying
beep on the computer that

says you've got mail? Yes.

Because it's lovely to watch without
distractions, isn't it?

I reckon that shepherd might
be the murderer.

GUNSHOT AND BLEATING SHEEP

Or possibly the next victim.

TYRES SCREECH
Herregud!

What? "Herregud."
It means, "Oh, my God!"

Watching this, I think
I've picked up some Scandinavian.

Scandinavian isn't a language.
Bit racist.

All right, I've picked up
a bit of Swedish.

That's very impressive, especially
given that it's set in Norway.

It's the same thing. No, it isn't.
Sweden is IKEA and Abba.

Norway is...

whatever.

Oh, what's she doing in there?
That's not her office.

A-ha! Have you worked it out?

No, I'm just thinking, A-ha,
they were from Norway.

Oh! What if he catches her going
through the files?

He won't... Will he?
DRAMATIC MUSIC

HEAVY KNOCKING AT DOOR

Who the hell is that? I don't know!
Pause it.

Herregud!

Sorry to turn up unannounced.
Not interrupting anything, are we?

I did try to phone several times,
but there was no answer.

Oh, my phone's switched off.

Er, because we didn't want to wake
Molly, who,

as you know, is very ill.

Well, that's why we're here.
I told Toby the symptoms.

And I'm sure it's nothing serious,

but I am more than happy to
check her over.

Look, there's no point in having
a mate who's a doctor

if you don't abuse the friendship.

You were obviously worried about
her, Lucy,

or you wouldn't have cancelled
dinner.

Go on, Toby, it'll put their minds
at rest.

Oh, no, no! She's fast asleep.
I just looked in on her.

She's completely zonked.
TOILET FLUSHES

That's Charlie. How do you know?

I recognise his flush.

Maybe Molly's just been
sick again. Oh, it'll be fine.

What's the worst that can happen?
She could have passed out on the bathroom floor.

Well, we've got underfloor heating,
she'll be warm.

Mummy,
can I have a biscuit for my teddies?

They're having a disco party!

You're supposed to be in bed,
asleep.

I know, but I'm
so excited about tomorrow.

We're going to a water park. Again?

Well, she's very ill. It's very
important that we make all her

dreams come true, as fast as we can.

But you said she went to
Waterpark World today.

I didn't go to Waterpark World!
Yes, you did!

How could I?
Daddy said you made it up.

I'm starting to think Molly was
never ill at all, Lucy.

Is this true? Have you been lying
all along, young lady?

Molly, go back up to bed now,
please. I'll tuck her in.

No, you won't.

I'm sorry, Anna.

We lied about Molly being ill.
Lucy, that's awful!

You had us
both really worried about her!

Why would you do that?

Because the real reason
for cancelling dinner is silly,

and to be honest, I'm very
embarrassed about it. Go on.

The reason we lied was...

..because Lee and I had a massive
row.

Oh. I mean a really big one,
didn't we?

Yes, we did. You cow.

And I'm really sorry,

I just couldn't face
the idea of coming over for dinner.

The fact is, right at this moment,

I can hardly bear to
look at his ugly face. Bit harsh.

And what was the row about,
if you don't mind me asking.

Just how Lee never does
anything around the house.

I do my bit.
A "bit". Do you see? A bit.

Not quite a full share,
is it, a bit?

Try washing up for once.

I do wash up. What I don't do is put
loads of pans in the sink,

leave them to soak and let them
go cold and greasy.

That kind of thing.

That's it?
You cancelled dinner for that?

We had a worse argument than
that on the drive over here.

Well, yeah, but that was just

the start of our row. It got much
worse than that. Why?

Because Lee did something
much worse. What? Yeah, what?

You know what. Yeah, but you say.

He spoilt that TV show we've been
watching on Netflix.

The Oslo Murders?

Not that we were watching it
tonight, of course,

because we were supposed to be
coming round to yours.

Exactly, but Jackie, who Lee works
with, told Lee how it ends,

and then Lee told me
the second he walked in the door.

That wasn't a very nice
thing to do, Lee.

Well, I just figured if I couldn't
enjoy it, then neither could you.

So now there's no
point in either of us watching it.

Right.

But you decided to watch it anyway.

Well, we were watching it, but then
we stopped when Lee ruined it.

But you said you weren't
watching it tonight because you were

coming round to our house.

Yeah, but we were just watching it
a little bit before we came

round to your house, but then the
row happened, because Lee spoilt it.

But you just said Lee ruined it
the second he got home from work.

Gosh, haven't you got a good
memory for the things I say?

Which means you were watching
it on your own.

And you said you'd been
watching it together.

I think it's time for the real
truth, Lucy.

The truth is- Lucy's been
so obsessed with this TV

show that she couldn't wait and she
was secretly watching it without me.

BOTH: Box-set cheating!

Lucy, that's an awful thing to do!
That's what I said.

I was so livid when I walked in and
caught her that

I decided to spoil the ending.

And that's when the row broke out,
and then it got out of hand,

and that's when we cancelled dinner.
The end.

Yeah, you spoiled everything.
You dirty great...spoiler!

Cheat! Wassock!
Oh, shave your armpits!

Stop it, both of you!
You need some time apart.

Lee, I'm going to drop you
and Toby off at the coffee shop.

What? You need to calm down.
Yeah, and what better way to do that

than a big mug of caffeine at
8:30pm?

Thanks for the offer, but I think
I'll stay here.

Nonsense. Toby will talk to you -
he's good at that.

Guaranteed to drain the passion
out of any situation.

Oh, you say the sweetest things.

OK. I won't be long.

Just one quick coffee
and I'll be straight back.

You box-set cheating, nagging
old...pillock!

All right then...ugly!
Can you stop saying that?

That was a very helpful talk.
Thanks, Toby.

I think I'm ready to get
back home now.

All I said was, "There's your
coffee."

I'll tell you something,
that woman at work did you a real

favour by telling you
the ending of The Oslo Murders.

How do you mean?
Well, it was very disappointing.

Didn't you think?
What, you've seen it? Yeah.

Watched the whole
thing on a long-haul flight.

I wish I hadn't bothered, really.
The ending was so cliched.

"I can now reveal that the
killer is..."

Don't! Don't...remind me.

Such a...cliche.
Bloody Norwegians and their cliches.

So did you guess who the
murderer was?

Yeah, I thought
it was pretty obvious.

Really? I thought
it was ridiculously far-fetched.

Well, yeah, it was far-fetched,
in an obvious sort of way.

I knew he was the murderer
all along. "He?" She.

I'm a modern man -
I don't see gender.

Are you sure you're telling me
the truth here, Lee?

Yeah. So you definitely know who the
murderer is?

Yeah.

So if I was to say the name
of the murderer, that would be fine?

Yeah.

The murderer is... La-la!

Lala? From the Teletubbies?

It wasn't that far-fetched!

All right, I don't know who the
murderer is! Neither does Lucy.

Well, thank you for being honest at
last.

Well, I didn't have much choice, did
I?

Oh, I don't know, you could have
pretended that the

woman at work lied to you
and told you a fake ending.

Can I change my story? No.

And just for your information,

I don't know who the murderer is
either. I just made that bit up,

because I'm not the kind of person
who spoils things for other

people, unlike you, for example,
spoiling my evening with Anna!

Sorry. I was looking forward to you
both coming round.

Anna's a lot nicer to me
when there are witnesses.

So, come on, the truth.

What, you want me to actually say
it? You already know.

Well, I know you were rowing,
but I don't know what it was about.

You know we were rowing?
Yeah, obviously.

But it wasn't about some
silly TV show.

So, come on, what were you really
rowing about that made you

cancel, after all Anna's hard work?

It was about money. Ah.

If I had a penny for every time
we'd had that argument,

Anna would spend it on handbags.

Exactly.

Lucy goes out, spending
money on fancy clothes,

then hides them from me.
That would annoy you, right?

Oh, I can empathise with
that all right.

What sort of stuff?

Well, you know, sexy underwear.

And if she's hiding it from me,

I don't even get
the pleasure of seeing it.

Oh, God, you mean she's not
wearing it for you?! Exactly.

So she's wearing
it for someone else! Yep.

No! No, no, I don't mean that!

No, I mean she's wearing
it for herself. Probably.

Is that right?

Listen, Lee, if you've got any
suspicions about Lucy, you can

tell me. We are mates.

And it would certainly explain
your disgraceful behaviour tonight.

Would it? Yeah.

Well, maybe I do have a
couple of doubts.

OK. Who is he?

"He?" Or she.

Or are you not seeing gender again?

Look, I don't want to talk about it.
We'll get through this.

We said our marriage vows
and we meant them.

Apart from the "richer" bit.

That was just me going through the
motions.

So I'd appreciate it if you don't
mention this again to anyone.

Perhaps you should go home.

I'm fine. I'm completely relaxed
here.

That's mayonnaise.

I know.

How did it go? Yeah, fine.

You didn't tell Toby the truth,
did you?

I can absolutely assure you,
hand-on-heart,

that I did not tell him the truth.

Right, now can
we just carry on watching this

and find out who the murderer is?

You weren't watching it without me,
I hope.

Are you accusing me of being a
cheat? A cheat? Of course not.

Oh, imagine! But if I did accuse you
of being a cheat, and I made it up

because I knew that you weren't, I
bet you'd forgive me, wouldn't you?

What are you talking about?
I've absolutely no idea.

CAR PULLS UP OUTSIDE

Oh, my God, there's a car outside.

It's Anna. What does she want now?

Don't let her in!

Well, why not? She believed we
rowed. Exactly.

She'll be coming round to see if us

two have made up yet. We won't be
able to get rid of her for ages

and we won't get to watch the TV
show. She knows we're in. I've got to open the door.

No! I'll tell her you've
gone to bed early.

If she knows it's just me, she'll
leave like there's a bad smell.

Yeah, but what if she doesn't?

Lucy, I've had a takeaway curry

with three sides and a Peshwari
naan - trust me, we'll be fine.

KNOCKING AT DOOR

Anna. Toby told me everything.

I am so sorry.

I'm sorry he told you
everything, too.

I know it's none of my business,
but as her friend,

I feel I had to come round and talk
to Lucy.

You can't talk to Lucy.
She's in bed, asleep.

So if you could just keep your voice
very, very quiet indeed...

How long has it been going on?
Quieter.

I feel very bad about earlier.

Toby and I made such a fuss
about you two cancelling dinner, and

all along you're in the middle of
this huge crisis in your marriage.

Not really.

You don't have to be strong, Lee.

This is me, Anna.

I can see you want to cry.

I do, yes.

Don't underestimate
the effect of infidelity.

I'm not 100% sure
she has been infidelicate.

I can see you're not going to
open up for me. Yes, I am.

Fine.

I'll talk it all through with
Lucy tomorrow. No, you won't.

Why not? Because my conversation
with Toby was confidential.

He wasn't supposed to
tell you about it.

What, so I'm supposed to never
mention it to her? Yes, please.

Act like I don't know? That's it.

Perhaps I should move to another
town and never talk to Lucy again?

I mean, if you could, that would be
absol...

Oh, right, you're being sarcastic.

I can't not talk to her about this.

Please, Anna, I am fighting for my
marriage here.

Are you? Well, I will be if you talk
to Lucy.

Please, I need all the help
I can get.

Well, all right.

I suppose I can pretend we never had
this conversation. Thanks.

But remember, Lee, an affair doesn't
have to be the end of a marriage.

If you ever want to talk to me,
the door is always open.

What did she mean, "An affair

"doesn't have to be the end of a
marriage"?

I'm starting to think this Netflix
programme isn't dramatic enough,

because real life is far more tense.

Who's having an affair?

Something happened with me
and Toby in the coffee shop.

Wow! I knew you two were close...

The thing is, something was said.

What?

Just tell me.

Anna's having an affair.

What?! I know. I was amazed, too.

Even listening to myself now,
I can't quite believe I'm saying it.

Oh, my God! I don't know where to
start.

I've got so many questions. Oh,
good. With who?

Not me, that's for sure.
Well, didn't you ask?

No.

Once I found out it wasn't me,
I was so relieved, I didn't care.

Why didn't you tell me about this

when you got
back from the coffee shop?

Because Toby made me
promise not to tell anyone.

And I keep my promises.
So why did Anna come round just now?

Because she assumed I had told you,
but I hadn't,

so I sent her packing. Right.

So as far as Anna and Toby are
concerned, you don't know anything

about this, so you can't mention
anything to them at all, ever.

Right.

Now that's all sorted, let's get
back to this TV show, shall we?

Oh, the fishmonger's wife has looked
dodgy from episode one.

I just can't believe she'd do
something like that.

Well, she has got access to a big
knife for gutting herring.

I can't believe Anna would cheat.
What made Toby suspicious?

As you know, she has been spending
money on fancy clothes.

Well, that's not evidence!

No, but like you said,
she has been buying sexy underwear

and hiding it from him. I mean, you

said it's because they argue about
money,

but perhaps she has other reasons.
She does have other reasons!

She bought it for when they're on
holiday in Tuscany.

It's supposed to be a big surprise
for Toby!

Not because she's having an affair.
Good.

So, Anna's not having an affair.
I told Toby he was probably wrong.

Everything's tickety-boo.

It's not tickety-boo,
it's tickety-bollocks!

Toby needs to know the truth.

Stay with the kids!

Wendy!

We need you to come round right away
and babysit, please!

Yes, I know we cancelled on you
already,

but, look, I'll just be completely
honest with you...

Lucy's at the hospital with
food poisoning.

Lucy! Sorry for calling
around so late.

No, you are always welcome,
any time. Come in.

I've, um, I've been driving around
for a

while, thinking about exactly how
I should approach this.

It's OK, Lucy, I'm glad you came.

Ah, Lucy.

Does Lee know where you are?
Of course he does.

Where else would I be? I don't know,
Lucy, where else would you be?

Did you want to
talk about something, Lucy?

Well, I think
we all know why I'm here,

so I'll just get
straight to the point.

It's about this so-called affair.

"So-called"?
Yes, Toby, so-called.

Just because a woman goes
shopping for nice underwear

doesn't mean she has to be
cheating on her husband.

No, unless that husband never
gets to see the underwear.

What do you have to say about that,
Lucy? Toby! Yeah, all right.

I didn't have to come here.

I could be on the sofa, getting
stuck into an Indian.

Where are the kids?
I got your mum over.

Why? What are you doing here?
Checking up on you, I should think.

Lee doesn't control where I go
and who I see!

No, that's obvious to everyone.

I'm here because...

Sorry, can you just bring me
up to speed on the conversation?

I was just explaining to
Toby that this whole affair thing is

a big mistake. Is that right?
Yes, it is! Right, good.

So now that's all sorted, let's

forget about the whole thing and
never mention it again.

No offence, Lucy, but you would say
there was no affair, wouldn't you?

Oh, my God! Is this all because of
this ridiculous secret underwear?

Partly, yeah. It's not what you
think. Isn't it?

Then why don't you tell us all who
that underwear was intended for?

For you, of course!

Don't stare at me. This is the first
I've heard of it.

Well, of course it's the first
you've heard of it.

It's all supposed to be a big
surprise for you.

Well, it certainly would have been.

It was supposed to put
a bit of excitement

back into your marriage,
a bit of spice,

get the engines firing again.

Did you know about this?
I don't know anything any more.

Why the hell would you be showing
your underwear to my husband?!

I'm not, you are! I'm showing your
underwear to my husband?!

No, you're showing YOUR underwear
to your husband.

I'm glad no-one can
see MY underwear.

I thought you'd come round to
discuss your affair. MY affair?!

You're the one who's supposed to
be having an affair!

No, I'm not, you are! Who told you
that?!

He did! No, he didn't! He told Lee
that YOU were having an affair!

I didn't tell him anything,
HE told ME!

How would Lee know I'm
having an affair?

So you are having one?

Oh, my God, YOU'RE having an
affair!

Of course I'm not!
I am the last to know!

This is like when you found you
were expecting Jack!

Don't be ridiculous!

Everybody knows you're supposed to
wait three months before you

tell anybody you're pregnant!
Not your husband!

We didn't really row!
We made it all up!

There is no affair!

We just didn't want to come
round for dinner!

I beg your pardon? We just wanted to
stay in and watch the telly.

That's why
we lied about Molly being ill,

and that's why
we lied about having a row.

And then I lied to you about why
we'd had the row.

Then I lied to you about the lie
I told Toby.

Then I lied to you about the
specifics of the lie I told Toby.

Then I lied to you again about the

lie I told Anna about the lie
I told Toby!

Nobody's having an affair!

We made it all up from the start,
and that is the truth!

So you never did have a big
argument?

Well, we'll be having one very soon,
if that's any consolation.

I'm so very, very sorry, Anna.

ANNA LAUGHS

I'm sorry, Toby, I couldn't keep it
going any longer.

What? You don't think
we fell for any of that, do you?

What are you talking about? Come on,

it's the oldest one in the book,
pretending your child

is ill to get out of something you
don't want to do. What, you mean you

knew?! From the moment you rang to
cancel dinner.

That's why we came round to check on
Molly.

We've been winding you up
all evening.

BOTH: You liars!

Why put us through all of that?
I'll tell you why.

Because I spent all week preparing
for that bloody dinner, and

if you were spoiling our evening,
we were damn well spoiling yours.

So you mean you've known all along?
Yeah.

So you know Lucy's not really having
an affair?

That's right. And you knew about
Anna spending �400 on underwear?

No, I didn't know that.

Before you ask, no,
I'm not having an affair.

Well, I wish you were.
He might have paid for it!

I'm very, very sorry, Anna.
And ashamed.

Good. So you should be.

Don't blame Lucy.

It's not her fault.

She's been under
a lot of pressure recently.

You see, her dad is very seriously
ill. Shut up, Lee! OK.

What are you doing?

Lucy, I am not going through
the night we've just experienced

all for nothing.

We're going to sit and enjoy the
rest of this TV show if it kills us.

Yeah, but it's really late.

Why don't we just
skip to the last episode?

We can't do that - we've got
two episodes left.

Yeah, but...

But what?

I watched one while you
were at the coffee shop with Toby.

Sorry.

I don't mind. Really?

Yeah, I watched that one
yesterday, too.

MOBILE PHONE PINGS

That'll be from Toby.
I texted him to apologise.

Oh, what does he say?

"So, the policeman did it, hey?
Who'd have guessed."

What?!

Oh... It's from Jackie at work.

We're not going out

Not staying in

Just hanging around
with my head in a spin

But there is no need
to scream and shout

We're not going out

? We are not going out. ?

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0