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1
00:00:20,330 --> 00:00:24,101
...If anything the cream's
making it itchier.
2
00:00:24,102 --> 00:00:28,955
We're on.
3
00:00:28,956 --> 00:00:29,997
Well here we go!
4
00:00:29,998 --> 00:00:31,663
The one you've all been waiting for.
5
00:00:31,664 --> 00:00:32,688
The big live performance!
6
00:00:32,689 --> 00:00:34,419
There's no room for
mistakes, slip-ups or...
7
00:00:34,420 --> 00:00:35,470
Forgetting lines.
8
00:00:35,509 --> 00:00:37,517
Forgetting lines!
9
00:00:37,518 --> 00:00:38,974
Will we remember not to swear?
10
00:00:38,975 --> 00:00:41,170
Will we f...orget our cues?
11
00:00:41,213 --> 00:00:45,461
I thought for a moment
you were actually going to swear.
12
00:00:45,506 --> 00:00:49,178
I'm not a complete twat.
13
00:00:49,179 --> 00:00:51,401
So we hope you enjoy our
Live Christmas Spectacular.
14
00:00:51,402 --> 00:00:53,580
That's our Walton School Ding
Dong Merrily on Live
15
00:00:53,581 --> 00:00:55,887
Christmas Spectacular,
taking place in the School Hall
16
00:00:55,888 --> 00:00:58,877
Theatre, this Friday at 9pm.
17
00:00:58,921 --> 00:01:02,721
And that is a Ciabatta.
18
00:01:02,766 --> 00:01:04,526
You mean wrap.
19
00:01:04,569 --> 00:01:08,980
Yeah, but I'm quite
middle class now.
20
00:01:08,981 --> 00:01:11,139
Right, stick that on Facebook
and we should shift
21
00:01:11,140 --> 00:01:12,229
those last few tickets.
22
00:01:12,230 --> 00:01:13,639
I'm really worried about this show.
23
00:01:13,640 --> 00:01:14,752
It'll be fine.
24
00:01:14,793 --> 00:01:18,529
Lots of local mums and dads getting
up to sing a song or do an act.
25
00:01:18,530 --> 00:01:20,068
It'll be like Britain's Got Talent.
26
00:01:20,069 --> 00:01:21,906
But where no one has
any actual talent.
27
00:01:21,907 --> 00:01:23,572
Exactly, it'll be like
Britain's Got Talent.
28
00:01:23,573 --> 00:01:24,954
Why did you agree to it?
29
00:01:24,996 --> 00:01:26,095
What could I say?
30
00:01:26,136 --> 00:01:28,786
The headmaster asked me to do it
and it's for charity.
31
00:01:28,828 --> 00:01:30,132
I felt obliged to say yes.
32
00:01:30,173 --> 00:01:31,989
Do you want to finish that sentence?
33
00:01:32,032 --> 00:01:36,088
All right, I felt obliged to say,
"yes, I'll get Lucy to organise it."
34
00:01:36,089 --> 00:01:37,734
Come on, you love putting things on.
35
00:01:37,735 --> 00:01:40,767
I've seen you in clothes shops.
36
00:01:40,768 --> 00:01:43,259
The thought of a big live
show makes me terrified.
37
00:01:43,260 --> 00:01:47,239
If it's a disaster I'm
going to look really stupid.
38
00:01:47,284 --> 00:01:58,124
Lucy, it's a Christmas show.
39
00:01:58,178 --> 00:02:01,530
You can get away with any
old rubbish on a Christmas show.
40
00:02:01,531 --> 00:02:03,566
You're just having a few
last minute nerves.
41
00:02:03,567 --> 00:02:04,994
Well I'm not the only one.
42
00:02:04,995 --> 00:02:06,637
All the decent acts are pulling out.
43
00:02:06,638 --> 00:02:07,854
The escapologist
cancelled this morning.
44
00:02:07,855 --> 00:02:11,271
Oh, I knew he'd manage
to wriggle out of it.
45
00:02:11,316 --> 00:02:13,708
Another act forgot to
put it in his diary.
46
00:02:13,709 --> 00:02:14,775
Who?
47
00:02:14,776 --> 00:02:16,720
The Memory Man.
48
00:02:16,721 --> 00:02:17,985
What about that mime artist?
49
00:02:17,986 --> 00:02:20,826
I've not heard anything from him.
50
00:02:20,827 --> 00:02:23,042
At least we've still got Clive
the animal impersonator.
51
00:02:23,043 --> 00:02:24,901
Apparently he's got
a different impression
52
00:02:24,902 --> 00:02:26,974
for all of Santa's reindeer.
53
00:02:27,017 --> 00:02:29,281
Well his drunken red
nose will come in handy.
54
00:02:29,282 --> 00:02:31,245
Shame the other reindeer aren't
called Wobbler, Dribbler,
55
00:02:31,246 --> 00:02:35,302
Shirt Stainer and Farter.
56
00:02:35,348 --> 00:02:36,809
You could always get up there.
57
00:02:36,810 --> 00:02:38,772
I've heard you singing Rockin'
Around the Christmas
58
00:02:38,773 --> 00:02:39,768
Tree in the shower.
59
00:02:39,769 --> 00:02:40,815
No chance.
60
00:02:40,816 --> 00:02:42,016
Nobody is hearing me sing.
61
00:02:42,017 --> 00:02:44,254
They'll be too busy
watching you have a shower.
62
00:02:44,255 --> 00:02:45,687
I'm not going on that stage.
63
00:02:45,729 --> 00:02:48,953
This is all your fault so why don't
you show off your party trick.
64
00:02:48,954 --> 00:02:49,958
Last Turkey in Tescos?
65
00:02:49,959 --> 00:02:51,839
Not that one.
66
00:02:51,881 --> 00:02:55,809
I wish I'd never taken
you to Puppetry of the Penis.
67
00:02:55,855 --> 00:02:57,863
I mean the juggling.
68
00:02:57,864 --> 00:02:59,763
That was just something
stupid I once learned
69
00:02:59,764 --> 00:03:01,516
when I needed some extra cash.
70
00:03:01,558 --> 00:03:05,763
It was either busking
or donating at the sperm bank.
71
00:03:05,764 --> 00:03:07,517
It's really hard to
imagine you performing
72
00:03:07,518 --> 00:03:08,950
with a hat on the floor...
73
00:03:08,992 --> 00:03:11,704
Oh no, they give you a test tube.
74
00:03:11,748 --> 00:03:14,524
What are we going to do, Lee?
75
00:03:14,567 --> 00:03:23,231
KNOCK ON THE DOOR.
76
00:03:23,232 --> 00:03:25,525
Please tell me you've
changed your mind and you're
77
00:03:25,526 --> 00:03:26,915
going to perform in the show.
78
00:03:26,957 --> 00:03:28,007
Of course not.
79
00:03:28,025 --> 00:03:31,035
But I have found a way to help
with the quick costume changes.
80
00:03:31,042 --> 00:03:37,722
Watch this.
81
00:03:37,771 --> 00:03:42,654
APPLAUSE
82
00:03:42,655 --> 00:03:43,853
How did you manage that?
83
00:03:43,854 --> 00:03:44,878
That would be telling.
84
00:03:44,879 --> 00:03:49,831
You've got a twin sister
you never told us about?
85
00:03:49,878 --> 00:03:52,526
Obviously not an
identical twin sister.
86
00:03:52,570 --> 00:03:53,620
Dad!
87
00:03:53,659 --> 00:03:55,859
What about you doing
a bit in the show?
88
00:03:55,860 --> 00:03:58,918
Remember when I was a kid, you used
to do that ventriloquism routine?
89
00:03:58,919 --> 00:03:59,969
Absolutely not.
90
00:03:59,970 --> 00:04:01,028
That is brilliant.
91
00:04:01,029 --> 00:04:02,950
I couldn't see your
lips moving at all.
92
00:04:02,951 --> 00:04:04,319
No thank you, Lucy.
93
00:04:04,320 --> 00:04:07,052
I'll stick to helping your mother
backstage and keep my involvement
94
00:04:07,053 --> 00:04:09,450
with 'Ding Dong Merrily
on Live' to a minimum.
95
00:04:09,493 --> 00:04:18,152
I do not wish to have my dong
dinged, merrily or otherwise.
96
00:04:18,204 --> 00:04:22,132
I can't quite believe
I just said that out loud.
97
00:04:22,133 --> 00:04:24,547
I'm going to be the laughing
stock of the playground.
98
00:04:24,548 --> 00:04:26,364
It'll be fine.
99
00:04:26,365 --> 00:04:28,776
We've still got Toby and Anna
doing the big finale.
100
00:04:28,777 --> 00:04:29,827
We're not doing it.
101
00:04:29,828 --> 00:04:30,891
What?
102
00:04:30,892 --> 00:04:32,092
We're not doing the song.
103
00:04:32,110 --> 00:04:33,160
But you agreed.
104
00:04:33,161 --> 00:04:34,672
No, Toby agreed,
without consulting me.
105
00:04:34,673 --> 00:04:36,723
You're always telling me I should
show more initiative.
106
00:04:36,724 --> 00:04:39,308
Yes, but only when I tell you to.
107
00:04:39,351 --> 00:04:41,999
It didn't help that you asked
us to learn the most
108
00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:43,067
difficult song ever written.
109
00:04:43,068 --> 00:04:44,029
It's not that difficult.
110
00:04:44,030 --> 00:04:46,680
It's a list of all the elements
in the periodic table...
111
00:04:46,681 --> 00:04:48,450
..Set to a Gilbert
and Sullivan tune...
112
00:04:48,451 --> 00:04:50,544
..and speeded up.
113
00:04:50,545 --> 00:04:51,975
There's antimony, arsenic,
aluminum, selenium,
114
00:04:51,976 --> 00:04:54,218
And hydrogen and oxygen
and nitrogen and rhenium,
115
00:04:54,219 --> 00:04:55,633
And nickel, neodymium,
neptunium, germanium,
116
00:04:55,634 --> 00:05:00,069
? And iron, americium,
ruthenium, uranium ?.
117
00:05:00,115 --> 00:05:03,787
OK, maybe I should have given
you Winter Wonderland.
118
00:05:03,832 --> 00:05:07,005
Anna can bring her own frost.
119
00:05:07,006 --> 00:05:09,470
Sorry, Lucy, we tried,
we really did, but you're just
120
00:05:09,471 --> 00:05:13,271
going to have to find someone else
to close your show.
121
00:05:13,272 --> 00:05:16,007
Well I'd better go and start
searching then, hadn't I?
122
00:05:16,008 --> 00:05:17,032
It's ironic I suppose.
123
00:05:17,033 --> 00:05:18,209
What is?
124
00:05:18,251 --> 00:05:24,291
Having to search for
a star at Christmas.
125
00:05:24,339 --> 00:05:26,539
You can put the laughs
on afterwards.
126
00:05:26,582 --> 00:05:33,646
No we can't.
127
00:05:33,695 --> 00:05:45,239
APPLAUSE
128
00:05:45,295 --> 00:05:47,879
This show is going to be a disaster.
129
00:05:47,922 --> 00:05:49,930
Maybe you are going to have to sing.
130
00:05:49,973 --> 00:05:52,173
I've told you, I'm not
going on that stage.
131
00:05:52,216 --> 00:05:54,416
Anyway, that would only
add three minutes.
132
00:05:54,417 --> 00:05:55,868
I'm sure it'd feel much longer.
133
00:05:55,869 --> 00:05:59,285
Exactly.
134
00:05:59,286 --> 00:06:01,763
That's why I'm going to throw
money at the problem
135
00:06:01,764 --> 00:06:03,883
and get a professional act
to close the show.
136
00:06:03,884 --> 00:06:04,904
An opera singer?
137
00:06:04,905 --> 00:06:06,645
I don't think opera is our audience.
138
00:06:06,646 --> 00:06:07,659
Well what's our audience?
139
00:06:07,660 --> 00:06:08,690
Oh, you know.
140
00:06:08,691 --> 00:06:10,735
Dancing Dogs, unicycling,
Rock Ballads, KFC Bargain Buckets,
141
00:06:10,736 --> 00:06:13,135
a cheeky Nandos, custard pie fights,
Cadbury's minirolls, Curly Wurlies,
142
00:06:13,136 --> 00:06:15,606
Holby City, Chupa Chups,
John Lewis ads but not actually
143
00:06:15,607 --> 00:06:17,464
shopping there, wafting
the duvet after passing
144
00:06:17,465 --> 00:06:22,481
wind and watching people
remembering difficult monologues.
145
00:06:22,482 --> 00:06:22,719
CHEERING
146
00:06:22,720 --> 00:06:22,911
CHEERING AND
147
00:06:22,912 --> 00:06:32,024
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
148
00:06:32,025 --> 00:06:32,481
I
149
00:06:32,482 --> 00:06:33,485
I don't
150
00:06:33,486 --> 00:06:33,742
I don't know
151
00:06:33,743 --> 00:06:34,283
I don't know why
152
00:06:34,284 --> 00:06:34,524
I don't know why they
153
00:06:34,525 --> 00:06:35,152
I don't know why they are
154
00:06:35,153 --> 00:06:35,344
I don't know why they are clapping,
155
00:06:35,345 --> 00:06:35,536
I don't know why they are clapping,
it
156
00:06:35,537 --> 00:06:35,728
it is
157
00:06:35,729 --> 00:06:35,921
it is written
158
00:06:35,922 --> 00:06:36,113
it is written down
159
00:06:36,114 --> 00:06:36,326
it is written down over
160
00:06:36,327 --> 00:06:40,367
it is written down over there.
161
00:06:40,412 --> 00:06:41,647
I've got it!
162
00:06:41,689 --> 00:06:42,801
A knife thrower!
163
00:06:42,802 --> 00:06:43,867
A knife thrower?
164
00:06:43,868 --> 00:06:44,892
Yeah.
165
00:06:44,893 --> 00:06:46,495
The audience love a bit of jeopardy.
166
00:06:46,496 --> 00:06:47,968
That's why people watch live shows.
167
00:06:47,969 --> 00:06:48,994
Hoping something goes wrong.
168
00:06:48,995 --> 00:06:50,211
Sadists I believe they're called.
169
00:06:50,212 --> 00:06:51,237
Google one now.
170
00:06:51,238 --> 00:06:52,454
A knife-thrower with
last-minute availability.
171
00:06:52,455 --> 00:07:02,399
What could possibly go wrong?
172
00:07:02,453 --> 00:07:11,309
KNOCK AT THE DOOR.
173
00:07:11,310 --> 00:07:13,474
So I'm guessing you're
here to read the meter?
174
00:07:13,475 --> 00:07:15,995
No.
175
00:07:16,039 --> 00:07:17,791
I am the Astonishing Juan.
176
00:07:17,833 --> 00:07:19,649
I am the knife thrower.
177
00:07:19,691 --> 00:07:23,683
I know, it was a joke.
178
00:07:23,729 --> 00:07:26,569
Stick around, there might
even be another one.
179
00:07:26,613 --> 00:07:30,234
Sorry I'm late,
I cut myself shaving.
180
00:07:30,278 --> 00:07:34,257
Not a great start, is it?
181
00:07:34,303 --> 00:07:36,183
So first question -
are you any good?
182
00:07:36,225 --> 00:07:43,225
BUZZING NOISE.
183
00:07:43,275 --> 00:07:45,283
Wow!
184
00:07:45,284 --> 00:07:47,952
I'm not sure what's more impressive,
hitting it at that distance,
185
00:07:47,953 --> 00:07:50,363
or finding a fly in the house
when it's actually
186
00:07:50,388 --> 00:07:51,756
the middle of December.
187
00:07:51,798 --> 00:07:55,214
Hello.
188
00:07:55,258 --> 00:07:59,071
Don't start buzzing,
he'll pin you to the wall.
189
00:07:59,116 --> 00:08:04,567
Well we certainly wouldn't
want that, would we?
190
00:08:04,615 --> 00:08:06,175
I'm Lucy.
191
00:08:06,217 --> 00:08:08,865
I am Juan.
192
00:08:08,908 --> 00:08:11,876
Are you here to read the meter?
193
00:08:11,920 --> 00:08:13,544
LAUGHS ELABORATELY.
194
00:08:13,587 --> 00:08:17,579
Oh, so it's funny when she says it.
195
00:08:17,624 --> 00:08:22,448
Thank you for coming to see us
at such short notice.
196
00:08:22,449 --> 00:08:24,352
I'm sorry, I cannot
appear in your show.
197
00:08:24,353 --> 00:08:25,403
There is no point.
198
00:08:25,442 --> 00:08:26,554
Why?
199
00:08:26,596 --> 00:08:30,140
Whatever I did would be
overshadowed by your beauty.
200
00:08:30,185 --> 00:08:34,881
Oh, how utterly charming.
201
00:08:34,927 --> 00:08:38,535
You can start buzzing now.
202
00:08:38,580 --> 00:08:40,972
Ok, we do a deal.
203
00:08:41,015 --> 00:08:44,047
I will perform for you on one
condition - you will be my
204
00:08:44,091 --> 00:08:45,171
beautiful assistant.
205
00:08:45,180 --> 00:08:46,897
Oh.
206
00:08:46,940 --> 00:08:49,111
Well, yes, I suppose
that's a possibility...
207
00:08:49,154 --> 00:08:50,394
Hang on.
208
00:08:50,435 --> 00:08:52,571
I thought you didn't
want to go on stage.
209
00:08:52,572 --> 00:08:54,279
And we haven't even
interviewed him yet.
210
00:08:54,280 --> 00:08:55,968
We don't know if he's any good.
211
00:08:56,011 --> 00:08:57,891
He just nailed a fly to the wall?
212
00:08:57,933 --> 00:09:00,325
The fly was probably in on it.
213
00:09:00,326 --> 00:09:03,280
Anyway, I thought knife throwers are
meant to have their own assistants.
214
00:09:03,281 --> 00:09:05,401
It's true, I did used
to have an assistant.
215
00:09:05,444 --> 00:09:09,964
But what happened
to her was a tragedy.
216
00:09:10,010 --> 00:09:11,093
Don't tell me.
217
00:09:11,094 --> 00:09:13,761
A fly landed on her nose
and you couldn't help yourself.
218
00:09:13,762 --> 00:09:14,787
No.
219
00:09:14,788 --> 00:09:16,156
She fell in love with me.
220
00:09:16,157 --> 00:09:19,337
The same happened with the assistant
before that and the one before that
221
00:09:19,338 --> 00:09:22,242
and the one before that...
222
00:09:22,285 --> 00:09:25,573
And the one before that.
223
00:09:25,574 --> 00:09:27,988
I try to tell them I prefer keep
things professional.
224
00:09:27,989 --> 00:09:31,405
What, you prefer to pay for it?
225
00:09:31,450 --> 00:09:33,778
Thanks for coming,
we'll let you know.
226
00:09:33,821 --> 00:09:37,109
Lee, I think you'll find I'm
the one booking the acts.
227
00:09:37,153 --> 00:09:49,726
If you want a big finale,
what about my egg juggling?
228
00:09:49,783 --> 00:09:52,170
I thought you didn't
want to be in the show?
229
00:09:52,171 --> 00:09:53,430
Well, I've change my mind.
230
00:09:53,431 --> 00:09:56,015
And what about the
jeopardy you wanted?
231
00:09:56,058 --> 00:09:58,578
Juan's act risks violent death.
232
00:09:58,621 --> 00:10:01,461
Yours risks an omelette.
233
00:10:01,505 --> 00:10:03,798
If it is juggling you want,
I too can juggle.
234
00:10:03,841 --> 00:10:07,228
With four eggs.
235
00:10:07,273 --> 00:10:14,273
I thought you were meant to be
a knife-thrower, not a juggler.
236
00:10:14,274 --> 00:10:15,411
I have many performance skills.
237
00:10:15,412 --> 00:10:17,548
There is no single
word for what I am.
238
00:10:17,591 --> 00:10:20,431
Oh please, let me.
239
00:10:20,474 --> 00:10:22,354
Four eggs you say?
240
00:10:22,397 --> 00:10:37,717
Well, I too can juggle with four.
241
00:10:37,718 --> 00:10:38,994
Very impressive, my friend.
242
00:10:38,995 --> 00:10:40,171
But I can do five.
243
00:10:40,172 --> 00:10:41,237
So?
244
00:10:41,238 --> 00:10:42,262
I can do six.
245
00:10:42,263 --> 00:10:43,252
six eggs?
246
00:10:43,253 --> 00:10:44,303
Yes.
247
00:10:44,314 --> 00:10:47,295
Show me.
248
00:10:47,339 --> 00:10:49,846
Am I allowed to keep
them in the box?
249
00:10:49,889 --> 00:11:00,729
We're booking him.
250
00:11:00,730 --> 00:11:01,167
You
251
00:11:01,168 --> 00:11:01,359
You can
252
00:11:01,360 --> 00:11:01,552
You can have
253
00:11:01,553 --> 00:11:01,757
You can have that
254
00:11:01,758 --> 00:11:02,064
You can have that for
255
00:11:02,065 --> 00:11:02,192
You can have that for your
256
00:11:02,193 --> 00:11:07,598
You can have that for your paella.
257
00:11:07,646 --> 00:11:15,921
APPLAUSE
258
00:11:15,972 --> 00:11:18,044
Oh hello.
259
00:11:18,045 --> 00:11:19,431
How's the school
Christmas show looking?
260
00:11:19,432 --> 00:11:21,248
Not great.
261
00:11:21,291 --> 00:11:24,515
We found a knife tosser.
262
00:11:24,516 --> 00:11:27,378
He's asked Lucy to be his assistant
and I'm a bit worried.
263
00:11:27,379 --> 00:11:32,971
Look what happened
with Debbie McGee.
264
00:11:32,972 --> 00:11:35,645
She started as Paul Daniels'
assistant but they ended up getting
265
00:11:35,646 --> 00:11:37,078
jiggy in the magic lady box.
266
00:11:37,079 --> 00:11:38,165
What would you do?
267
00:11:38,166 --> 00:11:39,810
If Anna ran away with someone else?
268
00:11:39,811 --> 00:11:42,843
I'd be sad for a couple of hours
but time's a great healer.
269
00:11:42,887 --> 00:11:44,327
In fact I feel better already.
270
00:11:44,361 --> 00:11:46,945
I thought maybe you could help me.
271
00:11:46,946 --> 00:11:48,979
It's perfectly safe,
he wouldn't hurt a fly.
272
00:11:48,980 --> 00:11:51,367
Actually, bad example.
273
00:11:51,411 --> 00:11:53,163
Are you insane?
274
00:11:53,164 --> 00:11:56,088
I'm not standing in front of some
lunatic I've never met before
275
00:11:56,089 --> 00:11:57,841
and let him throw knives at me?
276
00:11:57,842 --> 00:11:58,907
I could be killed!
277
00:11:58,908 --> 00:11:59,933
Not you.
278
00:11:59,934 --> 00:12:02,326
I meant can you see
if Anna will do it?
279
00:12:02,369 --> 00:12:03,989
Well, no harm in asking I suppose.
280
00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:05,050
Brilliant.
281
00:12:05,051 --> 00:12:06,042
I'm joking!
282
00:12:06,043 --> 00:12:08,030
Of course, I'm not going to ask her.
283
00:12:08,031 --> 00:12:10,127
Yeah, because you're worried Anna
would think he's amazing.
284
00:12:10,128 --> 00:12:11,235
Like everyone does.
285
00:12:11,236 --> 00:12:12,651
You should read his online reviews.
286
00:12:12,652 --> 00:12:13,711
"The show was astonishing!
287
00:12:13,712 --> 00:12:14,762
As was Juan.
288
00:12:14,801 --> 00:12:18,281
If he's ever short of cutlery,
he can certainly check my drawers."
289
00:12:18,282 --> 00:12:20,701
"If I had to give this brilliant
entertainer marks out
290
00:12:20,702 --> 00:12:23,089
of two, I'd give him one!"
291
00:12:23,090 --> 00:12:24,990
"When the truly incredible Juan
unsheathes his weapon..."
292
00:12:24,991 --> 00:12:27,191
I get the idea.
293
00:12:27,192 --> 00:12:28,258
Has Lucy read these comments?
294
00:12:28,259 --> 00:12:29,371
No.
295
00:12:29,413 --> 00:12:31,037
Well maybe she should take a look.
296
00:12:31,079 --> 00:12:32,255
Why would that help?
297
00:12:32,256 --> 00:12:33,513
They all say he's amazing.
298
00:12:33,514 --> 00:12:36,226
Well she might find
some that are less...
299
00:12:36,270 --> 00:12:37,320
Complimentary.
300
00:12:37,321 --> 00:12:38,384
She won't.
301
00:12:38,385 --> 00:12:39,497
I've read them all.
302
00:12:39,538 --> 00:12:41,418
Maybe she needs
to look a bit harder.
303
00:12:41,461 --> 00:12:45,069
There's nothing to find.
304
00:12:45,070 --> 00:12:47,420
Well she might find some
new comments get posted
305
00:12:47,421 --> 00:12:51,541
in the next few minutes that
are a lot more critical.
306
00:12:51,586 --> 00:12:56,730
Oh.
307
00:12:56,777 --> 00:12:58,657
That's not very likely though is it?
308
00:12:58,699 --> 00:13:01,091
Just write your own bloody review!
309
00:13:01,135 --> 00:13:04,615
Good idea.
310
00:13:04,616 --> 00:13:07,286
Just make sure you don't make it
obvious you wrote them.
311
00:13:07,287 --> 00:13:08,311
Good point.
312
00:13:08,312 --> 00:13:11,152
I'll type with my left hand.
313
00:13:11,196 --> 00:13:30,356
APPLAUSE
314
00:13:30,421 --> 00:13:32,237
Where's Juan?
315
00:13:32,280 --> 00:13:34,864
He's hiding naked in the wardrobe.
316
00:13:34,907 --> 00:13:36,147
Bit unnecessary.
317
00:13:36,189 --> 00:13:47,349
There's loads of clothes in there.
318
00:13:47,350 --> 00:13:47,595
You
319
00:13:47,596 --> 00:13:47,851
You really
320
00:13:47,852 --> 00:13:48,057
You really are
321
00:13:48,058 --> 00:13:48,236
You really are a
322
00:13:48,237 --> 00:13:48,428
You really are a stupid
323
00:13:48,429 --> 00:13:50,117
You really are a stupid man.
324
00:13:50,118 --> 00:13:50,479
Well
325
00:13:50,480 --> 00:13:51,981
Well you
326
00:13:51,982 --> 00:13:52,209
Well you really
327
00:13:52,210 --> 00:13:52,401
Well you really are
328
00:13:52,402 --> 00:13:52,623
Well you really are a
329
00:13:52,624 --> 00:13:54,731
Well you really are a stupid...
330
00:13:54,774 --> 00:13:59,022
Well you really are a stupid...
People.
331
00:13:59,067 --> 00:14:03,152
People.
APPLAUSE
332
00:14:03,153 --> 00:14:04,834
Look, sorry about
before, I was just...
333
00:14:04,835 --> 00:14:05,859
Worried for your safety.
334
00:14:05,860 --> 00:14:07,292
Well you don't need to be.
335
00:14:07,334 --> 00:14:09,214
He seems very professional.
336
00:14:09,257 --> 00:14:10,307
I know.
337
00:14:10,308 --> 00:14:12,716
I mean, I bet his online
reviews must be amazing.
338
00:14:12,717 --> 00:14:13,767
Probably.
339
00:14:13,768 --> 00:14:14,972
You should have quick look.
340
00:14:14,973 --> 00:14:17,074
Not that I always care
what the reviewers say.
341
00:14:17,075 --> 00:14:19,445
I once read one about a particularly
good northern comedian.
342
00:14:19,446 --> 00:14:20,878
Do you know what it said?
343
00:14:20,920 --> 00:14:21,970
What?
344
00:14:21,971 --> 00:14:24,345
His gags are as sharp
as his ferret faced features.
345
00:14:24,346 --> 00:14:26,133
Which I thought was a bit harsh.
346
00:14:26,134 --> 00:14:28,033
But I'm sure Juan's
are nothing but positive.
347
00:14:28,034 --> 00:14:29,058
Actually this one isn't.
348
00:14:29,059 --> 00:14:30,171
Really?
349
00:14:30,212 --> 00:14:32,796
"Avoid at all costs.
350
00:14:32,797 --> 00:14:35,530
The only Astonishing thing
about Juan is how much he drinks
351
00:14:35,531 --> 00:14:36,707
before a show."
352
00:14:36,749 --> 00:14:42,981
That's from someone
called John Cappuccino.
353
00:14:43,029 --> 00:14:46,829
The next one's from a woman
called Brenda Machiatto.
354
00:14:46,830 --> 00:14:50,014
"Perhaps if Juan spent more time
concentrating on his aim and less
355
00:14:50,015 --> 00:14:52,641
time staring at my breasts,
he wouldn't have sliced
356
00:14:52,642 --> 00:14:55,482
my ear lobe off."
357
00:14:55,526 --> 00:15:00,107
What does Emma Latte say?
358
00:15:00,153 --> 00:15:01,508
I'll have to cancel him.
359
00:15:01,550 --> 00:15:02,755
Cancel him?
360
00:15:02,796 --> 00:15:04,391
But he's the star of the show!
361
00:15:04,434 --> 00:15:05,610
Not any more.
362
00:15:05,651 --> 00:15:07,851
I'm booking the opera singer.
363
00:15:07,852 --> 00:15:10,521
Good idea, if they think she's too
highbrow, you can always
364
00:15:10,522 --> 00:15:34,866
get her to do the Macarena.
365
00:15:34,867 --> 00:15:35,962
These opera singers aren't cheap.
366
00:15:35,963 --> 00:15:37,267
They never are.
367
00:15:37,309 --> 00:15:38,741
I once bought an opera CD...
368
00:15:38,742 --> 00:15:40,512
Does this gag end
with 'Three Tenors'?
369
00:15:40,513 --> 00:15:43,865
No.
370
00:15:43,910 --> 00:15:46,302
Yes.
371
00:15:46,303 --> 00:15:47,305
Did you cancel Juan?
372
00:15:47,306 --> 00:15:49,135
Yes.
373
00:15:49,136 --> 00:15:51,820
I slightly exaggerated and said
it was because of the HSE.
374
00:15:51,821 --> 00:15:53,608
Good idea, blame your hormones.
375
00:15:53,609 --> 00:15:54,675
Health and Safety Executive.
376
00:15:54,676 --> 00:15:55,852
Oh right.
377
00:15:55,894 --> 00:15:57,262
How did he take the news?
378
00:15:57,303 --> 00:15:58,671
Not great.
379
00:15:58,713 --> 00:16:02,129
Turns out we're not the only ones
who read the online comments.
380
00:16:02,130 --> 00:16:03,775
He's had a three-month
contract to perform
381
00:16:03,776 --> 00:16:05,057
on a cruise liner cancelled.
382
00:16:05,058 --> 00:16:06,938
That's a shame.
383
00:16:06,980 --> 00:16:17,628
Oh well, who wants to
meet Rob Brydon anyway?
384
00:16:17,682 --> 00:16:20,855
APPLAUSE
385
00:16:20,900 --> 00:16:22,340
It's Yolanda I feel sorry for.
386
00:16:22,341 --> 00:16:23,321
Who's Yolanda?
387
00:16:23,322 --> 00:16:24,346
Juan's fiancee.
388
00:16:24,347 --> 00:16:25,372
Fiancee?
389
00:16:25,373 --> 00:16:26,805
But he was all over you.
390
00:16:26,847 --> 00:16:28,791
That was just a bit
of silly flirting.
391
00:16:28,792 --> 00:16:31,473
They were saving up to get
married, but that might now
392
00:16:31,474 --> 00:16:33,085
have to be put on hold.
393
00:16:33,086 --> 00:16:35,077
Apparently Yolanda was really
looking forward to this
394
00:16:35,078 --> 00:16:36,971
cruise to help recover
from her big operation.
395
00:16:36,972 --> 00:16:38,340
Oh, for the love of God.
396
00:16:38,382 --> 00:16:39,963
The big C apparently.
397
00:16:40,005 --> 00:16:59,464
Yeah, I know what a cruise involves.
398
00:16:59,530 --> 00:17:02,114
Thanks for agreeing
to meet me, Juan.
399
00:17:02,157 --> 00:17:03,333
That is OK.
400
00:17:03,375 --> 00:17:06,407
I am suddenly not very busy.
401
00:17:06,408 --> 00:17:06,642
That's
402
00:17:06,643 --> 00:17:07,091
That's funny,
403
00:17:07,092 --> 00:17:07,283
That's funny, I'm
404
00:17:07,284 --> 00:17:07,475
That's funny, I'm all
405
00:17:07,476 --> 00:17:07,667
That's funny, I'm all over
406
00:17:07,668 --> 00:17:07,881
That's funny, I'm all over the
407
00:17:07,882 --> 00:17:08,052
That's funny, I'm all over the place
408
00:17:08,053 --> 00:17:08,308
at
409
00:17:08,309 --> 00:17:08,501
at the
410
00:17:08,502 --> 00:17:12,814
at the moment!
411
00:17:12,815 --> 00:17:13,889
APPLAUSE
412
00:17:13,890 --> 00:17:15,358
Lucy told me she'd cancelled you.
413
00:17:15,359 --> 00:17:17,623
I don't blame her.
414
00:17:17,666 --> 00:17:20,856
After reading those online comments
I would have cancelled me.
415
00:17:20,870 --> 00:17:23,710
I am "a drinker", I am
a "flirt", I am "a yosser".
416
00:17:23,754 --> 00:17:25,570
What do they even mean, "a yosser"?
417
00:17:25,612 --> 00:17:30,692
That was a typo, it
should have said tosser.
418
00:17:30,693 --> 00:17:31,699
I'D imagine.
419
00:17:31,700 --> 00:17:34,540
Who knows what they were thinking.
420
00:17:34,584 --> 00:17:38,512
I wish I could get my
hand on this Bob Panini
421
00:17:38,557 --> 00:17:41,077
or Colin Poppyseed-Muffin.
422
00:17:41,121 --> 00:17:43,065
I am not a yosser.
423
00:17:43,107 --> 00:17:44,248
I am not a drinker.
424
00:17:44,290 --> 00:17:46,717
I am not a flirt.
425
00:17:46,760 --> 00:17:51,840
Well, maybe a little bit of a flirt.
426
00:17:51,841 --> 00:17:52,847
Sorry about that.
427
00:17:52,848 --> 00:17:55,061
Don't worry, I was glad
of the attention.
428
00:17:55,062 --> 00:17:57,333
Look Juan, there's something
I need to tell you.
429
00:17:57,334 --> 00:17:59,918
What?
430
00:17:59,962 --> 00:18:01,970
About those online reviews.
431
00:18:02,012 --> 00:18:04,212
Yes.
432
00:18:04,213 --> 00:18:05,216
Well, the thing is...
433
00:18:05,217 --> 00:18:07,737
I...
434
00:18:07,780 --> 00:18:09,788
..never believed a word of them.
435
00:18:09,789 --> 00:18:10,855
We've changed our mind.
436
00:18:10,856 --> 00:18:12,125
We want you back.
437
00:18:12,126 --> 00:18:13,367
And Lucy agrees with this?
438
00:18:13,368 --> 00:18:15,968
Of course.
439
00:18:16,012 --> 00:18:17,991
A variety show is
like a variety pack.
440
00:18:17,992 --> 00:18:20,275
It's mostly boring,
but as long as there's a box
441
00:18:20,276 --> 00:18:21,557
of Frosties everything is fine.
442
00:18:21,558 --> 00:18:23,736
Juan, you are the Frosties
in our variety pack.
443
00:18:23,737 --> 00:18:24,761
Really?
444
00:18:24,762 --> 00:18:27,154
You're Grrrreat!
445
00:18:27,155 --> 00:18:28,222
Then yes!
446
00:18:28,223 --> 00:18:29,399
I will do it!
447
00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:31,042
I will throw knives at your wife!
448
00:18:31,043 --> 00:18:37,723
Hooray!
449
00:18:37,772 --> 00:18:44,068
APPLAUSE
450
00:18:44,116 --> 00:18:47,468
And of course what
could be more festive
451
00:18:47,512 --> 00:18:55,024
than a Christmas turkey?
452
00:18:55,074 --> 00:18:56,250
HE MAKES TURKEY NOISES.
453
00:18:56,292 --> 00:18:57,342
Good God.
454
00:18:57,346 --> 00:18:59,517
Even Ant and Dec
would say no to this.
455
00:18:59,518 --> 00:19:00,521
It's a full house.
456
00:19:00,522 --> 00:19:04,578
Standing room only.
457
00:19:04,579 --> 00:19:07,506
Are you sure they're not standing up
to put their coats on?
458
00:19:07,507 --> 00:19:09,899
Look, I know it's been
a bit ropey so far.
459
00:19:09,900 --> 00:19:10,923
A bit?
460
00:19:10,924 --> 00:19:12,633
The contortionist was
all over the place.
461
00:19:12,634 --> 00:19:14,322
Yeah, well I'll let you tell her.
462
00:19:14,364 --> 00:19:15,476
She's a bit up herself.
463
00:19:15,477 --> 00:19:18,144
Look don't worry, they're all just
waiting for the big finale.
464
00:19:18,145 --> 00:19:20,025
Juan and Lucy are
going to be amazing.
465
00:19:20,067 --> 00:19:24,763
Are you sure that man won't hit
you with his knives, darling?
466
00:19:24,764 --> 00:19:26,304
With those feathers,
you're in more danger
467
00:19:26,305 --> 00:19:27,972
of being shot by a hunting party.
468
00:19:27,973 --> 00:19:29,871
What about all those
terrible online reviews?
469
00:19:29,872 --> 00:19:31,048
It's fine, Mum.
470
00:19:31,049 --> 00:19:34,357
Lee did a bit more investigating
and it turns out they were all fake.
471
00:19:34,358 --> 00:19:35,408
How do you know?
472
00:19:35,409 --> 00:19:37,562
They were all posted
in the same ten minutes.
473
00:19:37,563 --> 00:19:40,253
And all had the same spelling
mistake on the word knife.
474
00:19:40,254 --> 00:19:41,214
Did they?
475
00:19:41,215 --> 00:19:43,863
Yeah, they'd spelt it
with a V instead of an F.
476
00:19:43,907 --> 00:19:44,957
Illiterate fools.
477
00:19:44,996 --> 00:19:48,732
Yeah.
478
00:19:48,777 --> 00:19:50,785
Stupid vucker.
479
00:19:50,786 --> 00:19:52,878
Anyway, once his other
clients found out, he got
480
00:19:52,879 --> 00:19:53,959
all his bookings back.
481
00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:55,121
Including his cruise with Yolanda.
482
00:19:55,122 --> 00:19:57,066
So all's well that ends well.
483
00:19:57,108 --> 00:19:59,692
And I can hold my head up
high in the playground.
484
00:19:59,693 --> 00:20:01,017
Unless he slits your throat!
485
00:20:01,018 --> 00:20:03,410
I'll go and check the props.
486
00:20:03,411 --> 00:20:04,862
Geoffrey, you go and get Juan.
487
00:20:04,863 --> 00:20:06,039
Hello.
488
00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:07,576
What are you doing back here?
489
00:20:07,618 --> 00:20:13,146
I thought you were
enjoying the show.
490
00:20:13,194 --> 00:20:15,202
Well, we were watching the show.
491
00:20:15,203 --> 00:20:18,384
Health and safety said I need
a doctor backstage, so I asked Toby.
492
00:20:18,385 --> 00:20:19,435
A doctor?
493
00:20:19,436 --> 00:20:20,627
Yeah, for the knife throwing.
494
00:20:20,628 --> 00:20:21,678
Just a precaution.
495
00:20:21,679 --> 00:20:23,510
Juan's cutting it
a bit fine, isn't he?
496
00:20:23,511 --> 00:20:27,183
Please don't say "cutting".
497
00:20:27,228 --> 00:20:28,788
I'm still a bit confused.
498
00:20:28,789 --> 00:20:32,162
I thought you got rid of the knife
thrower by posting all those nasty
499
00:20:32,163 --> 00:20:33,251
comments about him online.
500
00:20:33,252 --> 00:20:34,302
So it was you?
501
00:20:34,303 --> 00:20:36,391
You tried to destroy
the career I have built
502
00:20:36,392 --> 00:20:37,442
up over many years.
503
00:20:37,482 --> 00:20:42,498
I know that feeling.
504
00:20:42,544 --> 00:20:44,245
APPLAUSE
505
00:20:44,288 --> 00:20:58,507
It's amazing what I can do
with a knife you know.
506
00:20:58,566 --> 00:21:00,894
I quit your stinking show!
507
00:21:00,937 --> 00:21:03,590
This is very unprofessional, Juan!
508
00:21:03,633 --> 00:21:07,812
Or should I call you Mr Kerr?
509
00:21:07,858 --> 00:21:09,482
Tough crowd.
510
00:21:09,524 --> 00:21:12,748
Bunch of vegetarians if you ask me.
511
00:21:12,792 --> 00:21:18,256
What am I going to do?
512
00:21:18,304 --> 00:21:19,354
Juan was on next!
513
00:21:19,393 --> 00:21:21,465
Is there no one else you can put on?
514
00:21:21,466 --> 00:21:22,532
Good idea.
515
00:21:22,533 --> 00:21:24,263
The piano player
still knows the music.
516
00:21:24,264 --> 00:21:25,314
What?
517
00:21:25,315 --> 00:21:26,342
You can do this.
518
00:21:26,343 --> 00:21:28,749
Ladies and gentlemen, please give
a huge Christmassy welcome to...
519
00:21:28,750 --> 00:21:31,654
Anna and Toby!
520
00:21:31,697 --> 00:21:35,689
No BEEP...ing way!
521
00:21:35,690 --> 00:21:37,208
There's antimony, arsenic,
aluminium, selenium,
522
00:21:37,209 --> 00:21:39,387
And hydrogen and oxygen
and nitrogen and rhenium,
523
00:21:39,388 --> 00:21:40,861
And nickel, neodymium,
neptunium, germanium,
524
00:21:40,862 --> 00:21:43,254
And iron, americium,
ruthenium, uranium,
525
00:21:43,255 --> 00:21:45,154
Europium, zirconium,
lutetium, vanadium,
526
00:21:45,155 --> 00:21:47,269
And lanthanum and osmium
and astatine and radium,
527
00:21:47,270 --> 00:21:49,413
And gold and protactinium
and indium and gallium,
528
00:21:49,414 --> 00:21:53,953
And iodine and thorium
and thulium and thalium...
529
00:21:53,954 --> 00:21:55,472
There's yttrium, ytterbium,
actinium, rubidium,
530
00:21:55,473 --> 00:21:57,929
And boron, gadolinium,
niobium, iridium,
531
00:21:57,930 --> 00:22:00,150
There's strontium and silicon
and silver and samarium,
532
00:22:00,151 --> 00:22:03,567
And bismuth, bromine, lithium,
beryllium, and barium.
533
00:22:03,612 --> 00:22:04,788
I don't know the rest.
534
00:22:04,789 --> 00:22:05,875
Me neither.
535
00:22:05,876 --> 00:22:07,036
Just make it up.
536
00:22:07,077 --> 00:22:10,877
I hate you.
537
00:22:10,922 --> 00:22:13,762
There's...Nurofen and Piroton
and opium and Valium.
538
00:22:13,763 --> 00:22:15,787
And tinnitus, chlamydia
and Xerox and geranium
539
00:22:15,788 --> 00:22:17,650
And Argos, Nickleodeon
and Ovaltine and Amazon,
540
00:22:17,651 --> 00:22:19,632
And nylon, scrotum, Polaroid,
and Listerine, aquarium...
541
00:22:19,633 --> 00:22:22,003
There's Sugar Puffs and Lucozade
and gelatine and Windolene
542
00:22:22,004 --> 00:22:25,207
And Toilet Duck, and Cillit Bang,
and Dettol Wipes and Mr Sheen.
543
00:22:25,208 --> 00:22:27,835
And dum de dum and thingy bum
and something and fallopian.
544
00:22:27,836 --> 00:22:29,693
There's Stormzy and trapezium
and valium and opium.
545
00:22:29,694 --> 00:22:31,039
You've already said
valium and opium.
546
00:22:31,040 --> 00:22:32,090
So?
547
00:22:32,129 --> 00:22:33,817
So you must know some other words!
548
00:22:33,818 --> 00:22:35,333
There's a million to choose from.
549
00:22:35,334 --> 00:22:37,662
I spend so much of my
life being cut off
550
00:22:37,705 --> 00:22:39,393
by you I don't really need many.
551
00:22:39,435 --> 00:22:42,659
Well perhaps if I'd have cut you off
when you agreed to do this
552
00:22:42,703 --> 00:22:44,071
we wouldn't be in this mess.
553
00:22:44,072 --> 00:22:45,907
I can't believe you're
doing this now.
554
00:22:45,908 --> 00:22:48,278
Do I really deserve all this
grief just because of
555
00:22:48,279 --> 00:22:49,431
a couple of wrong words?
556
00:22:49,432 --> 00:22:50,932
Just get the bloody song right.
557
00:22:50,970 --> 00:22:52,815
I'm talking about
when I said "I do".
558
00:22:52,816 --> 00:22:53,853
Up yours, Toby!
559
00:22:53,854 --> 00:22:55,294
And a Merry Christmas to you!
560
00:22:55,328 --> 00:22:58,701
This is all your fault.
561
00:22:58,745 --> 00:23:02,268
APPLAUSE
562
00:23:02,269 --> 00:23:04,876
Ladies and Gentlemen,
for your final act and highlight
563
00:23:04,877 --> 00:23:07,054
of the evening, please welcome
the Astonishing Juan...and Lucy!
564
00:23:07,055 --> 00:23:08,487
Oh God.
565
00:23:08,488 --> 00:23:09,559
Quick.
566
00:23:09,560 --> 00:23:10,707
I can't find Juan anywhere!
567
00:23:10,708 --> 00:23:32,044
Oh God!
568
00:23:32,113 --> 00:23:33,310
AUDIENCE GASPS
569
00:23:33,351 --> 00:23:40,151
Ta-daa!
570
00:23:40,200 --> 00:23:43,923
You have got to be kidding me.
571
00:23:43,924 --> 00:23:45,954
Ladies and gentlemen,
what could be more thrilling
572
00:23:45,955 --> 00:23:47,300
and dangerous than a professional
knife-thrower?
573
00:23:47,301 --> 00:23:50,717
That's right, an amateur
knife-thrower with no experience.
574
00:23:50,718 --> 00:23:51,786
Only kidding, folks.
575
00:23:51,787 --> 00:23:53,003
I do have some experience.
576
00:23:53,004 --> 00:23:56,676
What experience!?
577
00:23:56,721 --> 00:23:58,921
Keep out of the black
and in the red.
578
00:23:58,964 --> 00:24:04,492
Nothing in this game
for two in a bed...
579
00:24:04,493 --> 00:24:05,564
Ow!
580
00:24:05,565 --> 00:24:13,781
Sorry.
581
00:24:13,782 --> 00:24:16,266
And please remember -
Don't try this at home kids.
582
00:24:16,267 --> 00:24:17,449
Never mind at bloody home.
583
00:24:17,450 --> 00:24:25,450
Don't try it now!
584
00:24:25,500 --> 00:24:28,527
Sorry.
585
00:24:28,571 --> 00:24:29,683
OK, you win: I'll sing.
586
00:24:29,684 --> 00:24:31,134
Rockin' around the Christmas...
587
00:24:31,135 --> 00:24:42,167
LUCY SCREAMS.
588
00:24:42,221 --> 00:24:49,349
And for Bully's special prize...
589
00:24:49,399 --> 00:24:55,631
..with the wheel spinning.
590
00:24:55,679 --> 00:24:56,729
Don't you dare!
591
00:24:56,768 --> 00:25:00,120
No!!!
592
00:25:00,121 --> 00:25:00,356
Oh,
593
00:25:00,357 --> 00:25:05,826
Oh, god!
594
00:25:05,874 --> 00:25:07,754
APPLAUSE
595
00:25:07,796 --> 00:25:10,247
And again but this time...
596
00:25:10,290 --> 00:25:17,418
..blindfolded!
597
00:25:17,419 --> 00:25:19,210
RADIO:And finally,
a school's Christmas
598
00:25:19,211 --> 00:25:22,891
show has raised more than ๏ฟฝ600
for a local charity.
599
00:25:22,892 --> 00:25:24,580
A spokesman, a Mr
Geoffrey Adams, said...
600
00:25:24,581 --> 00:25:27,293
GEOFFREY:It was a right
bloody shambles!
601
00:25:27,294 --> 00:25:29,963
Never should a show like this be
allowed to happen again.
602
00:25:29,964 --> 00:25:36,345
I'm just glad it wasn't
broadcast live on television.
603
00:25:36,346 --> 00:25:38,487
I still don't understand why
Juan suddenly ran off?
604
00:25:38,488 --> 00:25:40,816
Probably stage fright.
605
00:25:40,859 --> 00:25:43,187
But it went all right
in the end, didn't it?
606
00:25:43,188 --> 00:25:44,254
I dunno.
607
00:25:44,255 --> 00:25:46,583
I'd say it was a bit
of a close shave.
608
00:25:46,584 --> 00:25:47,843
Yeah, sorry about that one.
609
00:25:47,844 --> 00:25:51,609
Still, saves you going
for that Brazilian.
610
00:25:51,610 --> 00:25:53,482
Hey, and maybe the night
isn't quite over.
611
00:25:53,483 --> 00:25:57,283
How do you mean?
612
00:25:57,329 --> 00:26:02,601
You look very attractive
in that outfit.
613
00:26:02,648 --> 00:26:04,784
Is that not sexy?
614
00:26:04,785 --> 00:26:07,274
About as sexy as Juan saying
"By 'eck, love, you've
615
00:26:07,275 --> 00:26:10,166
got crackin' thighs."
616
00:26:10,210 --> 00:26:12,346
Oh, come on.
617
00:26:12,388 --> 00:26:15,164
If we make it quick we can even
catch Mrs Brown's Boys.
618
00:26:15,208 --> 00:26:16,384
It's on in two minutes.
619
00:26:16,385 --> 00:26:17,450
Great.
620
00:26:17,451 --> 00:26:19,075
We can do it twice.
621
00:26:19,076 --> 00:26:21,103
Please, Lee, promise me
we never do anything
622
00:26:21,104 --> 00:26:22,280
like this ever again.
623
00:26:22,322 --> 00:26:24,714
Surely on my birthday.
624
00:26:24,757 --> 00:26:27,178
I don't mean sex.
625
00:26:27,221 --> 00:26:30,736
I mean a big Christmas
Live Spectacular.
626
00:26:30,737 --> 00:26:33,728
Don't worry, next year's live show
will be a lot more simple.
627
00:26:33,729 --> 00:26:35,151
I've already had a great idea.
628
00:26:35,152 --> 00:26:37,752
What?
629
00:26:37,795 --> 00:26:41,926
Oh, God.
630
00:26:41,976 --> 00:26:46,526
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