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1
00:00:03,100 --> 00:00:05,099
? We're not going out ?
2
00:00:05,100 --> 00:00:07,099
? Not staying in ?
3
00:00:07,100 --> 00:00:09,099
? Just hanging around
with my head in a spin ?
4
00:00:09,100 --> 00:00:12,099
? But there is no need
to scream and shout ?
5
00:00:12,100 --> 00:00:15,099
? We're not going out ?
6
00:00:15,100 --> 00:00:18,100
? We are not going out. ?
7
00:00:26,100 --> 00:00:28,100
Lucy?
8
00:00:30,100 --> 00:00:32,100
Lucy?
9
00:00:33,100 --> 00:00:35,099
What?
10
00:00:35,100 --> 00:00:38,099
It's 7:30 and the kids are still asleep.
11
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Isn't it great to wake up naturally?
12
00:00:41,100 --> 00:00:42,099
I don't know. Is it?
13
00:00:42,100 --> 00:00:44,099
You know what this means?
14
00:00:44,100 --> 00:00:47,099
We were right to put Baileys
in their bedtime milk?
15
00:00:47,100 --> 00:00:48,100
No.
16
00:00:51,100 --> 00:00:53,099
Oh!
17
00:00:53,100 --> 00:00:55,099
Permission to come aboard, Captain?
18
00:00:55,100 --> 00:00:57,100
Permission granted.
19
00:00:59,100 --> 00:01:01,899
You'll have to be quick. I've got
three packed lunches to make
20
00:01:01,900 --> 00:01:03,940
and I need to clean that sick
off the booster seat.
21
00:01:05,100 --> 00:01:08,100
Well, you might want to cut
down on the sweet-talking, then(!)
22
00:01:13,100 --> 00:01:15,099
Please tell me you can see them, too.
23
00:01:15,100 --> 00:01:17,099
What are you doing?
24
00:01:17,100 --> 00:01:21,099
Daddy was just tickling Mummy.
25
00:01:21,100 --> 00:01:23,099
What with?
26
00:01:23,100 --> 00:01:26,099
Why don't you go downstairs
and do one of your jigsaws?
27
00:01:26,100 --> 00:01:28,099
Or maybe two jigsaws.
28
00:01:28,100 --> 00:01:29,100
Somebody's dreaming.
29
00:01:33,100 --> 00:01:36,099
And you, whatever you do, don't
eat any of those Haribos
30
00:01:36,100 --> 00:01:38,164
I've hidden in the top cupboard,
just behind the teabags.
31
00:01:38,189 --> 00:01:40,099
Yes!
32
00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:43,099
Maybe in about five years,
we'll get some privacy back.
33
00:01:43,100 --> 00:01:46,100
Yeah. Unless we've got
more kids by then. Ha!
34
00:01:47,100 --> 00:01:50,099
- What?
- What?
35
00:01:50,100 --> 00:01:52,099
- We have finished, right?
- You're getting quicker at this.
36
00:01:52,100 --> 00:01:55,099
Normally, I can at least
tell when you've started.
37
00:01:55,100 --> 00:01:56,885
I thought we weren't
having any more kids?
38
00:01:57,010 --> 00:01:58,024
- We're not.
- All right.
39
00:02:00,100 --> 00:02:02,099
For now.
40
00:02:02,100 --> 00:02:04,099
Is this some sort
of psychological contraception?
41
00:02:04,100 --> 00:02:07,099
What, like, "Shall I pretend
to be Tom Selleck"?
42
00:02:07,100 --> 00:02:10,100
I was feeling experimental,
and it was Movember.
43
00:02:12,100 --> 00:02:14,223
You are still taking
precautions, aren't you?
44
00:02:14,248 --> 00:02:15,124
You know I am.
45
00:02:16,100 --> 00:02:19,099
Well, I know you're taking A pill.
46
00:02:19,100 --> 00:02:20,099
For all I know, you could be necking
47
00:02:20,100 --> 00:02:22,099
Tic Tacs and mentally
repainting the nursery.
48
00:02:22,100 --> 00:02:24,099
Look, I'm not saying
I definitely do want another,
49
00:02:24,100 --> 00:02:27,099
I just think we should have an open
discussion before we rule it out.
50
00:02:27,100 --> 00:02:29,099
All right, let's have an open discussion.
51
00:02:29,100 --> 00:02:31,099
Good. And then rule it out.
52
00:02:31,100 --> 00:02:33,099
That's not an open discussion, Lee.
53
00:02:33,100 --> 00:02:34,099
An open discussion is an exchange of
54
00:02:34,100 --> 00:02:36,099
ideas where you don't
know how it will end.
55
00:02:36,100 --> 00:02:37,688
The last time I had an open discussion
56
00:02:37,713 --> 00:02:39,924
like that, I ended
up sponsoring a guide dog!
57
00:02:41,100 --> 00:02:42,099
Where are you going?
58
00:02:42,100 --> 00:02:45,099
Oh! Can we discuss this
like adults, please?
59
00:02:45,100 --> 00:02:47,100
No. I'm going for a Haribo.
60
00:02:48,100 --> 00:02:51,099
I bet the kids would like a new
brother or sister.
61
00:02:51,100 --> 00:02:53,099
They'd like a full-sized model Dalek.
62
00:02:53,100 --> 00:02:56,099
No, you'd like that,
and we're not getting one.
63
00:02:56,100 --> 00:02:58,099
Oh, so, that's not open to discussion?
64
00:02:58,100 --> 00:03:02,100
At least when we were trying to make love,
it wouldn't suddenly come up the stairs.
65
00:03:09,100 --> 00:03:12,099
So, she's dead set on having
another one, is she?
66
00:03:12,100 --> 00:03:14,099
She's not dead set,
but she wants to discuss it.
67
00:03:14,100 --> 00:03:17,099
Oh, good God, you ARE in trouble.
68
00:03:17,100 --> 00:03:21,099
In the past few months, Anna and I have
discussed having a new kitchen,
69
00:03:21,100 --> 00:03:24,099
we've discussed a very expensive
private school for Jack
70
00:03:24,100 --> 00:03:28,099
and we've discussed having her parents
over for far too long at Christmas.
71
00:03:28,100 --> 00:03:31,100
And guess which one of us got her own way?
72
00:03:33,100 --> 00:03:35,099
Why are you so against the idea, anyway?
73
00:03:35,100 --> 00:03:38,099
It's all right for you,
with your one kid and your nanny.
74
00:03:38,100 --> 00:03:40,099
The nanny was Anna's idea.
75
00:03:40,100 --> 00:03:42,099
Obviously, we discussed it first.
76
00:03:42,100 --> 00:03:45,099
At least you and Anna still
get to do different things.
77
00:03:45,100 --> 00:03:48,099
Me and Lucy's social life has
been reduced to tedious get-togethers
78
00:03:48,100 --> 00:03:51,100
with tedious parents talking
about tedious children.
79
00:03:52,100 --> 00:03:55,099
You two still coming around tomorrow?
80
00:03:55,100 --> 00:03:57,100
Wild horses couldn't drag me away.
81
00:03:58,100 --> 00:04:01,099
It is possible to get
through this, you know.
82
00:04:01,100 --> 00:04:03,099
Anna and I talk about stuff all the time.
83
00:04:03,100 --> 00:04:06,099
Yeah, and you just said, you
then do what she tells you.
84
00:04:06,100 --> 00:04:09,099
I might give the impression I'm
doing whatever Anna tells me.
85
00:04:09,100 --> 00:04:12,099
Yeah, by very cleverly doing
whatever she tells you.
86
00:04:12,100 --> 00:04:16,099
But sometimes, the trick is getting
her to want the same things
87
00:04:16,100 --> 00:04:18,099
I wanted in the first place.
88
00:04:18,100 --> 00:04:20,099
Go on.
89
00:04:20,100 --> 00:04:23,099
Classic example. Few months
ago, an investment matured,
90
00:04:23,100 --> 00:04:25,099
we decided to blow the money on a treat.
91
00:04:25,100 --> 00:04:29,099
I wanted a classic car, 1969
E-Type Jag convertible.
92
00:04:29,100 --> 00:04:31,657
But she wanted to blow
the money on a five-star
93
00:04:31,682 --> 00:04:33,799
luxury skiing holiday in St Moritz.
94
00:04:34,100 --> 00:04:36,099
But we couldn't afford both.
95
00:04:36,100 --> 00:04:39,099
The harsh choices facing
families in austerity Britain(!)
96
00:04:39,100 --> 00:04:41,099
Like I said, I wanted the car,
97
00:04:41,100 --> 00:04:44,100
but I acted like I wanted
the skiing holiday.
98
00:04:48,100 --> 00:04:50,100
Do you know why?
99
00:04:52,100 --> 00:04:54,100
Because you're absolutely
terrified of her?
100
00:04:56,100 --> 00:05:01,099
Because anything I want,
she automatically doesn't want.
101
00:05:01,100 --> 00:05:06,099
Result? We got the car. Right.
102
00:05:06,100 --> 00:05:07,562
And what's your advice for a marriage
103
00:05:07,587 --> 00:05:09,404
that isn't based
on bitterness and mistrust?
104
00:05:12,100 --> 00:05:15,099
It's the same principle, but more subtle.
105
00:05:15,100 --> 00:05:17,099
It's about planting little seeds.
106
00:05:17,100 --> 00:05:19,100
Or, in your case, not planting any.
107
00:05:20,100 --> 00:05:23,099
You have got to make Lucy change her mind,
108
00:05:23,100 --> 00:05:25,220
but at the same time, make
her think it was her idea.
109
00:05:27,100 --> 00:05:28,099
And how do I do that?
110
00:05:28,100 --> 00:05:31,099
Well, instead of telling
her all the reasons
111
00:05:31,100 --> 00:05:33,099
why having another child
wouldn't suit you,
112
00:05:33,100 --> 00:05:37,099
subtly make her see all the reasons
why it wouldn't suit her.
113
00:05:37,100 --> 00:05:38,099
I see.
114
00:05:38,100 --> 00:05:41,099
Well? I suppose having
another child would mean
115
00:05:41,100 --> 00:05:44,099
that she has less quality
time to spend with me.
116
00:05:44,100 --> 00:05:46,100
Perhaps give that one a bit more thought.
117
00:05:56,100 --> 00:05:58,099
Checking for three sixes?
118
00:05:58,100 --> 00:06:01,099
I think he might have head lice.
119
00:06:01,100 --> 00:06:02,099
But, look on the bright side,
120
00:06:02,100 --> 00:06:05,099
if you have it your way, we won't
have to go through all this again.
121
00:06:05,100 --> 00:06:08,099
Charlie, why don't you go upstairs
and flick nits at your sister?
122
00:06:08,100 --> 00:06:09,100
Yay!
123
00:06:12,100 --> 00:06:15,099
Look, um... maybe I was a bit
hasty this morning,
124
00:06:15,100 --> 00:06:18,099
saying, er... no more kids, ever.
125
00:06:18,100 --> 00:06:21,099
I'm not saying I do want more.
No, neither am I.
126
00:06:21,100 --> 00:06:24,099
But I am up for, you know,
an open discussion.
127
00:06:24,100 --> 00:06:26,099
Well, that's all I was asking for.
128
00:06:26,100 --> 00:06:30,100
After all, you've taken five years
out from work, what's another five?
129
00:06:35,100 --> 00:06:37,099
Five?
130
00:06:37,100 --> 00:06:40,099
Well, yeah. With another mouth
to feed, I won't be able to share
131
00:06:40,100 --> 00:06:42,099
the housework, like I did
with the first three.
132
00:06:42,100 --> 00:06:44,099
All right, bad example.
133
00:06:44,100 --> 00:06:46,099
And we're going to need a bigger car.
134
00:06:46,100 --> 00:06:48,099
I've been doing some research
in the magazines. Oh!
135
00:06:48,100 --> 00:06:49,099
Take a look at this one.
136
00:06:49,100 --> 00:06:51,099
Oh, that's lovely!
137
00:06:51,100 --> 00:06:52,099
Oh, sorry, wrong page.
138
00:06:52,100 --> 00:06:54,242
That one's the classic
vintage Jaguar E-Type
139
00:06:54,267 --> 00:06:56,099
convertible that Toby and Anna bought.
140
00:06:56,100 --> 00:06:58,099
I mean this one, in the no-frills section.
141
00:06:58,100 --> 00:07:01,099
Or, as they've called it,
the more-kids-than-sense section.
142
00:07:01,100 --> 00:07:03,100
Huh! Oh, you've got to love Clarkson!
143
00:07:05,100 --> 00:07:08,099
Hm. That looks functional.
144
00:07:08,100 --> 00:07:11,099
What type is it? Ah, whatever.
They're all the same, anyway.
145
00:07:11,100 --> 00:07:14,099
You know, Vauxhall Zafira,
Renault Espace, Nissan Minger.
146
00:07:14,100 --> 00:07:16,099
The point is, they're practical.
147
00:07:16,100 --> 00:07:18,099
Say what you want about sports cars,
148
00:07:18,100 --> 00:07:20,099
but have they got all-plastic interiors
149
00:07:20,100 --> 00:07:22,100
for when you have to hose out the vomit?
150
00:07:24,100 --> 00:07:28,099
Well, like I say,
it's only a discussion at this stage.
151
00:07:28,100 --> 00:07:31,099
'Course it is. I mean, it's easy
for me to say, innit?
152
00:07:31,100 --> 00:07:33,099
I don't have to go through the pregnancy.
153
00:07:33,100 --> 00:07:36,099
OK, yes, there's the morning
sickness and the sore joints
154
00:07:36,100 --> 00:07:38,099
and the mood swings and the tiredness,
155
00:07:38,100 --> 00:07:40,099
and the dehydration and the leg cramps
156
00:07:40,100 --> 00:07:42,099
and the constant stabbing
pain in the pelvic girdle,
157
00:07:42,100 --> 00:07:45,099
and the not wanting to get back
into your bikini after the birth
158
00:07:45,100 --> 00:07:49,099
because of the varicose veins
and the constant big, old bloated feeling.
159
00:07:49,100 --> 00:07:50,260
But look at all the benefits!
160
00:07:52,100 --> 00:07:54,100
Another healthy year of no wine.
161
00:07:58,100 --> 00:07:59,099
You forgot the constipation.
162
00:07:59,100 --> 00:08:02,100
Oh, come on! That'll come
in handy when you're that busy.
163
00:08:11,100 --> 00:08:13,100
Argh! Can't catch me! Yeah, I can!
164
00:08:15,100 --> 00:08:20,099
Quiet, Molly! Anna doesn't
want to hear you screaming!
165
00:08:20,100 --> 00:08:23,099
It's all right, Lucy. You
forget I have a child, too.
166
00:08:23,100 --> 00:08:25,100
I know how to deal with this.
167
00:08:29,100 --> 00:08:31,099
Are you sure you want four children?
168
00:08:31,100 --> 00:08:34,099
I know someone who's giving
away a chinchilla.
169
00:08:34,100 --> 00:08:38,099
Actually, I'm starting to think having more
children isn't such a good idea after all.
170
00:08:38,100 --> 00:08:42,099
Really? Well, the more Lee and I talk
about it, the more I've gone off the idea.
171
00:08:42,100 --> 00:08:46,099
Don't tell me, he's been looking at it
from your point of view?
172
00:08:46,100 --> 00:08:49,099
Talked about how happy
he was to make loads of compromises,
173
00:08:49,100 --> 00:08:52,099
didn't put any pressure on you at all?
Pretty much.
174
00:08:52,100 --> 00:08:54,099
The oldest trick in the book.
175
00:08:54,100 --> 00:08:56,099
Making the case for one thing,
176
00:08:56,100 --> 00:08:58,099
while subtly steering you
in the other direction.
177
00:08:58,100 --> 00:09:00,099
That doesn't sound like Lee.
178
00:09:00,100 --> 00:09:01,700
He was being clever. That's what I mean.
179
00:09:03,100 --> 00:09:06,099
Marriage is a complicated game of chess.
180
00:09:06,100 --> 00:09:08,099
You always have to look five moves ahead.
181
00:09:08,100 --> 00:09:10,099
My marriage isn't like a game of chess,
182
00:09:10,100 --> 00:09:13,100
it's more like throwing
a Frisbee for a dog.
183
00:09:15,100 --> 00:09:17,099
Forget all the discussions and what-ifs,
184
00:09:17,100 --> 00:09:19,099
forget how open Lee was being.
185
00:09:19,100 --> 00:09:22,099
Just ask yourself one simple question.
186
00:09:22,100 --> 00:09:24,100
Might you want another child
in the future?
187
00:09:25,100 --> 00:09:29,099
Well... maybe, yes.
188
00:09:29,100 --> 00:09:31,099
Well, there you go. Simple.
189
00:09:31,100 --> 00:09:33,099
You're right, Anna.
190
00:09:33,100 --> 00:09:35,099
I feel so much clearer
after talking to you.
191
00:09:35,100 --> 00:09:37,099
I'm going to tell Lee.
192
00:09:37,100 --> 00:09:40,099
Don't tell him! My God, you're naive!
193
00:09:40,100 --> 00:09:42,099
You need to manipulate him in return.
194
00:09:42,100 --> 00:09:44,099
Do I? Of course you do.
195
00:09:44,100 --> 00:09:47,099
Trust me, I know what I'm talking about.
196
00:09:47,100 --> 00:09:52,099
Recently, Toby wanted to buy
a sports car, and so did I.
197
00:09:52,100 --> 00:09:53,100
But guess what I did?
198
00:09:55,100 --> 00:09:59,099
I pretended I wanted a skiing
holiday instead. Why?
199
00:09:59,100 --> 00:10:02,099
Because I knew Toby
was trying to manipulate me,
200
00:10:02,100 --> 00:10:04,100
so I manipulated him in return.
201
00:10:05,100 --> 00:10:08,099
I knew he was only pretending
to want the skiing holiday
202
00:10:08,100 --> 00:10:10,099
to make me want the car,
but I already wanted the car,
203
00:10:10,100 --> 00:10:12,100
so I played him at his own game.
204
00:10:13,100 --> 00:10:15,099
That way, it looked like I'd compromised.
205
00:10:15,100 --> 00:10:18,099
And so, next time I want
something, he owes me.
206
00:10:18,100 --> 00:10:21,099
And you've got to manipulate
Lee to get what you want.
207
00:10:21,100 --> 00:10:26,099
Oh, I don't know. All sounds
a bit cold and calculating.
208
00:10:26,100 --> 00:10:28,100
Good. I'm glad I'm making myself clear.
209
00:10:38,100 --> 00:10:42,099
I just saw a very heavily pregnant
woman in the supermarket.
210
00:10:42,100 --> 00:10:46,099
Oh, yeah? Yeah, she looked so happy.
She had that... glow.
211
00:10:46,100 --> 00:10:48,099
Is that right? Yeah.
212
00:10:48,100 --> 00:10:52,099
She'd just knocked over a display with her
pushchair and the kids were running riot,
213
00:10:52,100 --> 00:10:55,099
but she just kept glowing.
214
00:10:55,100 --> 00:10:57,099
I know you used to call
it blotchy-gland rash,
215
00:10:57,100 --> 00:10:59,100
but I call it glowing.
216
00:11:01,100 --> 00:11:03,099
I've been thinking about everything
you've been saying
217
00:11:03,100 --> 00:11:05,099
and I feel bad
about what I'm going to say,
218
00:11:05,100 --> 00:11:06,417
especially given that you've been so
219
00:11:06,442 --> 00:11:08,099
considerate and thoughtful
about everything,
220
00:11:08,100 --> 00:11:13,099
but I've made a decision,
and I feel definite about it.
221
00:11:13,100 --> 00:11:15,099
Go on.
222
00:11:15,100 --> 00:11:17,100
I don't want to have any more children.
223
00:11:18,100 --> 00:11:20,100
Yee-haw!
224
00:11:23,100 --> 00:11:25,100
That's a shame.
225
00:11:27,100 --> 00:11:29,099
I was so full of enthusiasm.
226
00:11:29,100 --> 00:11:31,100
Yes, you were. You were full of it.
227
00:11:33,100 --> 00:11:36,099
You've been very sweet,
but you got me thinking,
228
00:11:36,100 --> 00:11:37,099
do I actually want more time off work?
229
00:11:37,100 --> 00:11:40,099
Do I really want to go
through another pregnancy again?
230
00:11:40,100 --> 00:11:43,099
And I decided, no, I don't.
231
00:11:43,100 --> 00:11:45,099
Are you sure?
232
00:11:45,100 --> 00:11:47,099
Yes, I am.
233
00:11:47,100 --> 00:11:49,099
As in, not ever, for definite?
234
00:11:49,100 --> 00:11:51,099
For definite.
235
00:11:51,100 --> 00:11:53,099
Shall we put it in writing?
236
00:11:53,100 --> 00:11:54,099
Oh, I haven't got time for that.
237
00:11:54,100 --> 00:11:56,207
The kids are at my mum's and you
and me have got
238
00:11:56,232 --> 00:11:58,099
some unfinished business
from this morning.
239
00:11:58,100 --> 00:12:01,099
Ooo! Afternoon delight!
240
00:12:01,100 --> 00:12:03,100
My favourite delight, after Angel.
241
00:12:04,100 --> 00:12:07,099
What's brought this on? Well,
it's a special occasion.
242
00:12:07,100 --> 00:12:08,099
Is it?
243
00:12:08,100 --> 00:12:12,100
Yeah. The last time we make
love before your vasectomy.
244
00:12:19,100 --> 00:12:22,099
My what? You know,
an operation on your genitals
245
00:12:22,100 --> 00:12:25,099
which stops sperm leaving
the body and making you sterile.
246
00:12:25,100 --> 00:12:27,099
No, you're still not selling it.
247
00:12:27,100 --> 00:12:30,099
Well, it's the only way
to make things final,
248
00:12:30,100 --> 00:12:32,099
and the pill has lots
of side-effects, like weight gain,
249
00:12:32,100 --> 00:12:36,099
and I want to look good
in that bikini, remember?
250
00:12:36,100 --> 00:12:38,099
A vasectomy doesn't have any side-effects.
251
00:12:38,100 --> 00:12:42,099
No. Unless you count cutting off half
your genitalia with a big knife!
252
00:12:42,100 --> 00:12:45,099
Lee, it's a vasectomy, not
gender-reassignment surgery.
253
00:12:45,100 --> 00:12:47,099
They don't cut half of anything off.
254
00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:49,099
They take less than a millimetre.
255
00:12:49,100 --> 00:12:52,100
So, what's that, about three-quarters?
256
00:12:54,100 --> 00:12:57,099
We've talked about this in the past.
Have we?
257
00:12:57,100 --> 00:13:00,099
Gosh! We've been talking about so
much lately, I can't remember.
258
00:13:00,100 --> 00:13:02,099
I always said, if I get old and confused
259
00:13:02,100 --> 00:13:04,099
and I don't recognise you or the kids
260
00:13:04,100 --> 00:13:06,099
and I've got no quality of life,
261
00:13:06,100 --> 00:13:08,381
please do the humane thing
and don't give me a vasectomy.
262
00:13:10,100 --> 00:13:13,099
Well, the pill was about keeping
the window of opportunity open,
263
00:13:13,100 --> 00:13:16,099
but now, we've just decided
to slam that window shut.
264
00:13:16,100 --> 00:13:18,099
But we don't have to slam it
shut on my testicles, do we?
265
00:13:18,100 --> 00:13:21,099
Come on, are we going upstairs?
266
00:13:21,100 --> 00:13:25,099
I'm not really in the mood any more.
Oh, OK.
267
00:13:25,100 --> 00:13:28,099
Well, I suppose we'd better get
ready for Anna and Toby, anyway.
268
00:13:28,100 --> 00:13:32,100
Ooo! It's a bit chilly in here, isn't it?
269
00:13:46,100 --> 00:13:48,099
Did you put the kids down? Yeah.
I told Charlie he's a thicko
270
00:13:48,100 --> 00:13:51,100
and said the twins smelt
like chicken Cup-a-Soup.
271
00:13:53,100 --> 00:13:55,099
Look, Lucy...
272
00:13:55,100 --> 00:13:57,099
Oh, can you get that?
It'll be Anna and Toby.
273
00:13:57,100 --> 00:13:59,100
Chop chop!
274
00:14:06,100 --> 00:14:07,099
Hello! Hi! Hi!
275
00:14:07,100 --> 00:14:09,099
Oh, you just missed
the children, I'm afraid.
276
00:14:09,100 --> 00:14:12,099
Yes, anybody would think that Anna
makes us sit outside in the car,
277
00:14:12,100 --> 00:14:15,100
waiting for the kids'
bedroom light to go off.
278
00:14:18,100 --> 00:14:21,099
Well, I followed your advice. What,
about squeezing a lemon on it?
279
00:14:21,100 --> 00:14:24,099
Not about stopping fruit
salad going brown.
280
00:14:24,100 --> 00:14:26,099
I'm talking about your Derren
Brown mind-control tactics
281
00:14:26,100 --> 00:14:28,099
to make Lucy say no more kids.
282
00:14:28,100 --> 00:14:29,099
And?
283
00:14:29,100 --> 00:14:32,099
Now she wants me to have a vasectomy.
284
00:14:32,100 --> 00:14:34,099
Well, congratulations.
285
00:14:34,100 --> 00:14:38,099
Congratulations? My testicles
have just been put on death row,
286
00:14:38,100 --> 00:14:40,099
they've not just passed
their driving test!
287
00:14:40,100 --> 00:14:42,099
It solves all your problems
288
00:14:42,100 --> 00:14:44,099
and it's a perfectly
routine bit of surgery.
289
00:14:44,100 --> 00:14:48,099
When you were a kid, did you
have your tonsils taken out?
290
00:14:48,100 --> 00:14:50,220
Yeah, but I didn't have them
taken out of my scrotum.
291
00:14:51,100 --> 00:14:53,099
A vasectomy?!
292
00:14:53,100 --> 00:14:56,099
Oh, it's OK, it's all part of the plan.
293
00:14:56,100 --> 00:14:58,099
There's no way he'll go through with it,
294
00:14:58,100 --> 00:15:01,099
and when he backs down, the balance
of power returns to me.
295
00:15:01,100 --> 00:15:03,099
Oh, clever girl!
296
00:15:03,100 --> 00:15:05,100
You really have got him by the...
297
00:15:08,100 --> 00:15:10,099
How's the new car, Toby?
298
00:15:10,100 --> 00:15:13,099
Oh, not bad. You know,
it's no skiing holiday,
299
00:15:13,100 --> 00:15:16,099
but marriage is all about compromise.
300
00:15:16,100 --> 00:15:20,099
Exactly. And skiing
is a bit overrated, anyway.
301
00:15:20,100 --> 00:15:23,099
I mean, who wants to be
up to their hips in frost?
302
00:15:23,100 --> 00:15:25,100
Yeah. I can get that at home.
303
00:15:26,100 --> 00:15:28,099
This looks delicious, Lucy, thank you.
304
00:15:28,100 --> 00:15:30,099
Oh, it's just something simple.
305
00:15:30,100 --> 00:15:34,099
But where would we be
without our meat and two veg?
306
00:15:34,100 --> 00:15:37,100
Are you doing this deliberately?
Doing what?
307
00:15:38,100 --> 00:15:40,099
Sorry, I'm just a bit
stressed at the moment.
308
00:15:40,100 --> 00:15:42,099
Lee's having a vasectomy.
309
00:15:42,100 --> 00:15:45,100
I had no idea. Oh, gosh! Really?
310
00:15:46,100 --> 00:15:49,099
I haven't actually said I'm going
through with it. I wouldn't worry, Lee.
311
00:15:49,100 --> 00:15:51,099
These days, plenty of men
go in for the chop.
312
00:15:51,100 --> 00:15:53,099
I think people refer to it as the snip.
313
00:15:53,100 --> 00:15:56,100
Snip, chop, hack, slice, mince.
314
00:15:57,100 --> 00:15:59,100
Bludgeon.
315
00:16:01,100 --> 00:16:03,099
What's worrying you about it?
316
00:16:03,100 --> 00:16:05,099
I don't know. What if it goes wrong?
317
00:16:05,100 --> 00:16:08,099
What if the doctor's doing
the operation and his hand slips?
318
00:16:08,100 --> 00:16:10,100
A buzzer goes off and your nose lights up?
319
00:16:13,100 --> 00:16:17,099
Lee, a vasectomy is a perfectly
straightforward operation.
320
00:16:17,100 --> 00:16:20,099
There's plenty of information
available to show you how safe it is.
321
00:16:20,100 --> 00:16:23,099
Toby's right. I'm going to Google it.
322
00:16:23,100 --> 00:16:27,100
What could possibly go
wrong with a vasectomy?
323
00:16:28,100 --> 00:16:30,100
Oh! Ooo!
324
00:16:31,100 --> 00:16:34,100
Ooo, I wish I hadn't
done an Eton mess now.
325
00:16:36,100 --> 00:16:38,060
Have a look at that, Lee.
Yeah, have a butcher's.
326
00:16:39,100 --> 00:16:41,099
This is ridiculous!
327
00:16:41,100 --> 00:16:43,099
I can't sit by and let that sort
of ignorance go unchallenged.
328
00:16:43,100 --> 00:16:46,099
Oh, come on, Toby, what makes
you such an expert?
329
00:16:46,100 --> 00:16:48,099
I'm a doctor.
330
00:16:48,100 --> 00:16:50,099
And that makes you better
than Google, does it?
331
00:16:50,100 --> 00:16:54,099
Anyway, this isn't professional
advice, this is personal.
332
00:16:54,100 --> 00:16:59,100
Toby? If you have a vasectomy,
Lee, you'll be fine. I was.
333
00:17:00,100 --> 00:17:03,099
This is hardly conversation
for the dinner table, is it?!
334
00:17:03,100 --> 00:17:07,100
Well, you're the one who's got
their phone open on mangledtackle.com.
335
00:17:09,100 --> 00:17:11,099
So, when did you have it done?
Six years ago.
336
00:17:11,100 --> 00:17:12,099
It was totally fine.
337
00:17:12,100 --> 00:17:14,100
Would you have it done again?
338
00:17:16,100 --> 00:17:19,099
There wouldn't be much point
in having it done again.
339
00:17:19,100 --> 00:17:22,099
You know what I mean. Of course I would.
It was a simple little operation.
340
00:17:22,100 --> 00:17:24,099
Did it hurt? Not really.
341
00:17:24,100 --> 00:17:27,100
Was it embarrassing? Not at all!
342
00:17:28,100 --> 00:17:32,099
And how long afterwards was it
before you, you know, got to have sex?
343
00:17:32,100 --> 00:17:35,100
I'll keep you posted on that one.
344
00:17:37,100 --> 00:17:38,099
So, it really was OK?
345
00:17:38,100 --> 00:17:41,099
It was simple and it was painless.
346
00:17:41,100 --> 00:17:44,099
And more importantly, it hasn't
made me any less of a man.
347
00:17:44,100 --> 00:17:47,099
No? No, that was a totally
separate operation,
348
00:17:47,100 --> 00:17:49,100
performed by Anna slowly
over a period of years.
349
00:17:51,100 --> 00:17:55,099
And did you, er... offer to do
it, you know, voluntarily?
350
00:17:55,100 --> 00:17:58,100
Well... we discussed it.
351
00:18:01,100 --> 00:18:03,099
So, Anna got her way? If
Anna had got her way,
352
00:18:03,100 --> 00:18:06,099
I would have had it done
before our first date.
353
00:18:06,100 --> 00:18:08,099
I beg your pardon?
354
00:18:08,100 --> 00:18:09,099
I didn't mean...
355
00:18:09,100 --> 00:18:11,099
You mean before we had Jack?
356
00:18:11,100 --> 00:18:13,099
No, of course not, it
was just a silly joke.
357
00:18:13,100 --> 00:18:15,099
I always wanted a child, you know that,
358
00:18:15,100 --> 00:18:17,099
I just didn't want loads of kids.
Is that such a crime?!
359
00:18:17,100 --> 00:18:20,099
Of course not. And having
just one child meant
360
00:18:20,100 --> 00:18:22,099
we were able to devote
all our energy and attention
361
00:18:22,100 --> 00:18:24,099
to finding people
to properly look after him.
362
00:18:24,100 --> 00:18:26,099
I know that.
363
00:18:26,100 --> 00:18:30,099
Why is it nowadays, if you don't
want a huge, noisy family
364
00:18:30,100 --> 00:18:31,099
you're seen as not normal?
365
00:18:31,100 --> 00:18:33,099
It's hard work. You get no sleep,
366
00:18:33,100 --> 00:18:36,099
it costs a fortune and you
get no time to yourself!
367
00:18:36,100 --> 00:18:40,099
Having loads of kids robs you of everything
else you might want to achieve in life,
368
00:18:40,100 --> 00:18:42,099
and I'm not afraid to admit,
that's how I feel.
369
00:18:42,100 --> 00:18:46,100
If you ask me, the world would be a better
place if everyone was sterilised at 30!
370
00:18:50,100 --> 00:18:52,100
But... good luck with whatever you decide.
371
00:18:55,100 --> 00:18:58,099
She's right. I need to do this.
372
00:18:58,100 --> 00:19:00,099
For you and our family.
373
00:19:00,100 --> 00:19:02,099
What, you're going to do it?
374
00:19:02,100 --> 00:19:06,100
I need to man up and grow a pair,
and then get them sterilised.
375
00:19:08,100 --> 00:19:09,099
Anna's right.
376
00:19:09,100 --> 00:19:11,099
No, I'm not.
377
00:19:11,100 --> 00:19:14,099
Tell him, Toby! Tell him I'm wrong!
378
00:19:14,100 --> 00:19:16,100
What, in front of you?
379
00:19:25,100 --> 00:19:29,099
Lucy?
380
00:19:29,100 --> 00:19:31,099
What?
381
00:19:31,100 --> 00:19:32,460
We're awake before the kids again.
382
00:19:37,100 --> 00:19:40,099
Those novelty hot water bottles
are getting more realistic.
383
00:19:40,100 --> 00:19:44,099
Should I, er... scoop her
up and put her back into bed?
384
00:19:44,100 --> 00:19:47,099
Why? You know...
385
00:19:47,100 --> 00:19:51,099
This might be the last time we, er...
with me intact.
386
00:19:51,100 --> 00:19:54,099
End of an era, like the final
ever Boyzone concert.
387
00:19:54,100 --> 00:19:57,100
Except I won't reform in 20
years and produce new material.
388
00:20:00,100 --> 00:20:03,100
You're still going
through with the vasectomy, then? 'Course.
389
00:20:06,100 --> 00:20:09,099
Oh! Well, that was wonderful.
How was it for you(?)
390
00:20:09,100 --> 00:20:11,099
Let's have a tickling competition.
391
00:20:11,100 --> 00:20:13,099
First one to wet themselves
makes breakfast!
392
00:20:13,100 --> 00:20:14,099
You're in a good mood.
393
00:20:14,100 --> 00:20:18,099
Well, we've made a positive
decision, haven't we?
394
00:20:18,100 --> 00:20:21,099
I'm going to bring you breakfast in bed.
395
00:20:21,100 --> 00:20:24,100
How about cereal with sterilised
milk and seedless grapes?
396
00:20:27,100 --> 00:20:29,099
I can't believe that by tonight,
it might all be over.
397
00:20:29,100 --> 00:20:33,099
You're not seeing someone
about it today, are you? Why not?
398
00:20:33,100 --> 00:20:35,099
Well, they wouldn't do it
there and then, surely.
399
00:20:35,100 --> 00:20:36,099
It's not while-you-wait.
400
00:20:36,100 --> 00:20:40,099
Well, I don't think you drop 'em
off and call back to pick 'em up later.
401
00:20:40,100 --> 00:20:41,099
The sooner we do it, the better.
402
00:20:41,100 --> 00:20:43,491
And in the meantime, we need
to make the most of these
403
00:20:43,516 --> 00:20:45,099
little monkeys whilst they're young.
404
00:20:45,100 --> 00:20:47,100
Doesn't last forever, does it?
405
00:20:50,100 --> 00:20:53,099
Don't worry, kids,
Mummy's doing happy crying.
406
00:20:53,100 --> 00:20:57,100
Why don't you go downstairs and put
the television on... really loudly?
407
00:21:00,100 --> 00:21:01,099
What's the matter?
408
00:21:01,100 --> 00:21:03,099
I don't want you to have a vasectomy.
409
00:21:03,100 --> 00:21:06,099
What do you want? Another baby.
410
00:21:06,100 --> 00:21:08,099
You said yesterday you changed your mind.
411
00:21:08,100 --> 00:21:12,100
I only said that to manipulate you.
It was Anna's idea.
412
00:21:13,100 --> 00:21:17,099
You've been taking relationship
advice from Frosty the Snow Cow?
413
00:21:17,100 --> 00:21:19,099
Oh, like you haven't been manipulating me?
414
00:21:19,100 --> 00:21:21,099
So let me get this straight,
415
00:21:21,100 --> 00:21:23,099
you asked me to have a vasectomy
because you want a baby?
416
00:21:23,100 --> 00:21:25,099
That's a novel approach(!)
417
00:21:25,100 --> 00:21:28,099
I just wanted to keep
the possibility open, that's all.
418
00:21:28,100 --> 00:21:30,099
But when things started to sound so final,
419
00:21:30,100 --> 00:21:32,460
it made me think I actually
definitely do want another one.
420
00:21:34,100 --> 00:21:36,099
I didn't think you'd agree
to the vasectomy!
421
00:21:36,100 --> 00:21:39,099
I did agree, because I listen
to your needs and I do what you want.
422
00:21:39,100 --> 00:21:43,099
Good. I want another baby.
423
00:21:43,100 --> 00:21:44,420
I walked into that one, didn't I?
424
00:21:51,100 --> 00:21:53,100
It has to be a mutual decision.
425
00:21:54,100 --> 00:21:57,099
I know. But if I don't
agree to another baby,
426
00:21:57,100 --> 00:21:59,099
then I'm responsible
for Lucy being miserable.
427
00:21:59,100 --> 00:22:01,099
Lee, you're a married man,
you took a solemn vow
428
00:22:01,100 --> 00:22:04,100
to be responsible
for Lucy being miserable.
429
00:22:05,100 --> 00:22:07,099
There is one other way
of looking at this, of course.
430
00:22:07,100 --> 00:22:10,099
Maybe you should just
count your blessings.
431
00:22:10,100 --> 00:22:12,099
I have counted them.
432
00:22:12,100 --> 00:22:14,099
I've got three blessings and I adore them,
433
00:22:14,100 --> 00:22:15,099
but kids are like Pot Noodles,
434
00:22:15,100 --> 00:22:17,100
nobody needs more than three at a time.
435
00:22:19,100 --> 00:22:22,099
Count your blessings that Lucy's the kind
of woman that wants more.
436
00:22:22,100 --> 00:22:24,099
I never had that option with Anna.
437
00:22:24,100 --> 00:22:26,099
I know, and I do appreciate it.
438
00:22:26,100 --> 00:22:29,099
Lucy's an amazing mum,
and I love being a dad,
439
00:22:29,100 --> 00:22:30,099
but, come on, four?!
440
00:22:30,100 --> 00:22:33,100
I wanted to start a family,
not a Beatles tribute act.
441
00:22:34,100 --> 00:22:38,099
Would having one more child really
make such a huge difference?
442
00:22:38,100 --> 00:22:40,099
Don't they start looking
after one another when you have a few?
443
00:22:40,100 --> 00:22:42,099
No, they do not!
444
00:22:42,100 --> 00:22:45,099
You still have to clothe them,
and bathe them, and breast-feed them.
445
00:22:45,100 --> 00:22:47,100
Wow! You're more hands-on than I thought.
446
00:22:50,100 --> 00:22:51,099
You still have to look
after them, tell them off,
447
00:22:51,100 --> 00:22:54,099
break up fights, check for lice,
448
00:22:54,100 --> 00:22:57,099
take that little seat
on and off the toilet,
449
00:22:57,100 --> 00:23:01,099
chase them, have play fights in bed,
450
00:23:01,100 --> 00:23:03,099
teach them all the rude
words to Jingle Bells
451
00:23:03,100 --> 00:23:06,099
and deny all knowledge of it
at the carol concert.
452
00:23:06,100 --> 00:23:08,099
Have you considered the possibility
453
00:23:08,100 --> 00:23:11,100
that you might actually quite
like to have another child?
454
00:23:13,100 --> 00:23:16,099
I did once have four
Pot Noodles, actually.
455
00:23:16,100 --> 00:23:18,100
Maybe having another baby
is not such a bad idea.
456
00:23:20,100 --> 00:23:22,099
Not me and him, we're not having a baby.
457
00:23:22,100 --> 00:23:24,100
I've had a vasectomy, anyway.
458
00:23:26,100 --> 00:23:27,260
Why are you so proud of that?
459
00:23:40,100 --> 00:23:42,099
How did you know I was here?
460
00:23:42,100 --> 00:23:44,420
I checked Wetherspoons
and Ladbrokes, where else was left?
461
00:23:46,100 --> 00:23:48,099
Toby told me you were meeting Anna here.
462
00:23:48,100 --> 00:23:50,099
You've not been for the operation,
have you?
463
00:23:50,100 --> 00:23:52,340
If I'd been for a vasectomy,
would I be able to do this?
464
00:24:00,100 --> 00:24:03,100
Tinder, eh? Wish I'd swiped left now.
465
00:24:07,100 --> 00:24:10,099
Sorry I got so emotional this morning.
466
00:24:10,100 --> 00:24:11,099
You've got nothing to be sorry about.
467
00:24:11,100 --> 00:24:14,100
Faster! OK!
468
00:24:15,100 --> 00:24:17,099
We need to talk about this
properly, though.
469
00:24:17,100 --> 00:24:19,099
You mean without trying
to manipulate each other?
470
00:24:19,100 --> 00:24:23,100
Yeah. Honestly and openly,
like we should have done from the start.
471
00:24:25,100 --> 00:24:28,099
Or we could just let the wise old sage from
the village have another crack at things(!)
472
00:24:28,100 --> 00:24:32,099
Oh, Anna, Anna, Anna!
473
00:24:32,100 --> 00:24:34,340
It's true, say her name
three times and she does appear.
474
00:24:36,100 --> 00:24:38,100
Go and play with the other children, Jack.
475
00:24:40,100 --> 00:24:41,099
Hi, Jack!
476
00:24:41,100 --> 00:24:44,099
Lucy... Lee, I wanted to apologise
477
00:24:44,100 --> 00:24:46,099
for my outburst at dinner last night,
478
00:24:46,100 --> 00:24:49,100
and I certainly shouldn't have told
Lucy to try to manipulate you, Lee.
479
00:24:51,100 --> 00:24:55,099
And I shouldn't have told Lee to try
and manipulate you, either, Lucy.
480
00:24:55,100 --> 00:24:57,100
I didn't know you had.
481
00:24:59,100 --> 00:25:01,100
I'm going to go and stand over there now.
482
00:25:04,100 --> 00:25:07,099
It's none of my business,
I know, but just because
483
00:25:07,100 --> 00:25:10,099
I don't want a bigger family
doesn't mean you two shouldn't.
484
00:25:10,100 --> 00:25:12,099
I mean, look how happy those kids are.
485
00:25:12,100 --> 00:25:13,099
No! Argh!
486
00:25:13,100 --> 00:25:15,099
Toby, drop any of those
children in the dirt
487
00:25:15,100 --> 00:25:17,100
and you'll be the one who's crying!
488
00:25:19,100 --> 00:25:22,100
Why not have more?
You've got such great kids.
489
00:25:24,100 --> 00:25:26,099
That'd be nice, growing old,
surrounded by so many of 'em.
490
00:25:26,100 --> 00:25:29,099
'Course it would. Children are a blessing.
491
00:25:29,100 --> 00:25:32,099
Oh, for God's sake! Toby,
show some authority!
492
00:25:32,100 --> 00:25:34,099
You're supposed to be the Alpha!
493
00:25:34,100 --> 00:25:39,100
Look, four kids. It's not
that different to three, is it?
494
00:25:42,100 --> 00:25:45,100
Mm. One per limb.
495
00:25:48,100 --> 00:25:52,099
Four could be a wonderful
experience for you both.
496
00:25:52,100 --> 00:25:54,099
Benji, be careful with Toby!
497
00:25:54,100 --> 00:25:56,099
Leave him. Toby needs to learn.
498
00:25:56,100 --> 00:25:59,099
Toby, stop showing your weakness!
499
00:25:59,100 --> 00:26:00,220
One of them's got my wallet!
500
00:26:02,100 --> 00:26:05,099
I'm sure whatever you decide
will be the right thing.
501
00:26:05,100 --> 00:26:07,099
Help!
502
00:26:07,100 --> 00:26:09,099
Jack, get off your father!
503
00:26:09,100 --> 00:26:11,100
No teeth, you're riddled with germs!
504
00:26:14,100 --> 00:26:16,099
Four kids, eh! Help!
505
00:26:16,100 --> 00:26:19,100
Yeah. Who wouldn't want that? Help!
506
00:26:29,100 --> 00:26:31,099
I was ashamed of our children today.
507
00:26:31,100 --> 00:26:33,099
We need to think of a punishment.
508
00:26:33,100 --> 00:26:35,099
I already have.
509
00:26:35,100 --> 00:26:37,620
I've told them, no more beating
up Toby for the next two weeks.
510
00:26:38,100 --> 00:26:42,099
I've not really thought through how
difficult having four kids is, have I?
511
00:26:42,100 --> 00:26:44,099
No, but that's what we need to do,
512
00:26:44,100 --> 00:26:46,099
have a proper discussion
about everything and...
513
00:26:46,100 --> 00:26:48,099
Actually, can we not, just for a while?
514
00:26:48,100 --> 00:26:52,099
I'm not saying no more kids, nor am
I definitely saying I do want more.
515
00:26:52,100 --> 00:26:57,099
I'm just saying, can we just
see how things go for a bit,
516
00:26:57,100 --> 00:26:59,099
stop putting so much
pressure on ourselves?
517
00:26:59,100 --> 00:27:01,099
Yeah.
518
00:27:01,100 --> 00:27:03,099
And who knows, if we do stop at three,
519
00:27:03,100 --> 00:27:05,099
maybe we'll save enough money
to afford a treat.
520
00:27:05,100 --> 00:27:07,099
Perhaps even a skiing holiday.
521
00:27:07,100 --> 00:27:09,100
You're not getting a sports car.
522
00:27:11,100 --> 00:27:13,099
So if we're not talking about stuff,
523
00:27:13,100 --> 00:27:16,099
we're going to need to think
of something else to do.
524
00:27:16,100 --> 00:27:20,099
Ooo! Somebody's been watching Magnum PI.
525
00:27:20,100 --> 00:27:21,099
What did you have in mind?
526
00:27:21,100 --> 00:27:23,100
Well, come a little closer
and I'll show you.
527
00:27:24,100 --> 00:27:26,100
Yee-haw!
528
00:27:33,100 --> 00:27:36,100
Can I sleep in your bed again?
529
00:27:37,100 --> 00:27:39,099
Go on, then. Get in.
530
00:27:39,100 --> 00:27:41,100
Yay! Ooo!
531
00:27:42,100 --> 00:27:44,099
Oh, you know what?
532
00:27:44,100 --> 00:27:47,100
I think more kids might be
out of the question now, anyway.
533
00:27:47,150 --> 00:27:51,700
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