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00:00:05,800 --> 00:00:07,880
Looks simple enough.
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00:00:10,520 --> 00:00:13,920
MUSIC: Step Into Christmas
by Elton John
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00:00:33,680 --> 00:00:34,880
I hate Christmas.
4
00:00:37,960 --> 00:00:40,240
We're not going out
5
00:00:40,280 --> 00:00:42,040
Not staying in
6
00:00:42,080 --> 00:00:44,440
Just hanging around
with my head in a spin
7
00:00:44,480 --> 00:00:48,040
But there is no need
to scream and shout
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00:00:48,080 --> 00:00:50,720
We're not going out
9
00:00:50,760 --> 00:00:53,880
? We are not going out. ?
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00:00:55,800 --> 00:00:57,800
KNOCK AT DOOR
11
00:01:04,160 --> 00:01:06,120
Oh!
Sorry, Lucy,
12
00:01:06,160 --> 00:01:08,800
just wanted to drop off a few small
presents for the children.
13
00:01:08,840 --> 00:01:12,040
We won't stay. We know it's a
madhouse. Well, it is Christmas Eve.
14
00:01:12,080 --> 00:01:13,800
Yes, there's that, too.
15
00:01:14,960 --> 00:01:17,400
Right. Well, um, our lot
are in the garden, Jack,
16
00:01:17,440 --> 00:01:18,640
if you wanna say hello.
17
00:01:18,680 --> 00:01:22,480
Remember, play nicely or Father
Christmas won't come. Yes, Mummy.
18
00:01:22,520 --> 00:01:26,320
I love this time of year. You can
threaten children so effectively.
19
00:01:28,120 --> 00:01:29,760
So, what are your plans
for tomorrow?
20
00:01:29,800 --> 00:01:32,000
We're having a quiet family
Christmas.
21
00:01:32,040 --> 00:01:34,960
It's just gonna be
the three of us...at home...
22
00:01:35,000 --> 00:01:36,760
Together.
23
00:01:36,800 --> 00:01:38,040
All day.
24
00:01:39,160 --> 00:01:42,000
Do you wanna pop round for a bit?
Yes, please. Can we?
25
00:01:42,040 --> 00:01:43,520
It'd be lovely to see you. Good.
26
00:01:43,560 --> 00:01:48,160
So, what, roughly, is the earliest
possible time we could come?
27
00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:50,400
Um, about three o'clock,
after we've eaten.
28
00:01:50,440 --> 00:01:52,920
We're having my mum and dad
round for Christmas dinner.
29
00:01:52,960 --> 00:01:55,600
That'll be lovely, Lucy. We should
let you get on with the cooking.
30
00:01:55,640 --> 00:01:57,080
You must have loads to do.
31
00:01:57,120 --> 00:01:59,600
Oh, no, the Christmas dinner
is Lee's department.
32
00:01:59,640 --> 00:02:01,120
He is a festive control freak.
33
00:02:01,160 --> 00:02:05,200
Even the turkey has to be stuffed
in a certain way. It's very anal.
34
00:02:07,920 --> 00:02:09,240
Is there another way?
35
00:02:10,800 --> 00:02:13,120
So, er, where is he, then?
He's in the garage.
36
00:02:13,160 --> 00:02:16,600
It's a Christmas surprise for
the kids. That'll be nice for them.
37
00:02:16,640 --> 00:02:18,280
How long is he staying in there?
38
00:02:19,760 --> 00:02:21,680
I've told him he can't carry on
with the cooking
39
00:02:21,720 --> 00:02:24,200
until he's assembled the kids'
present from Mummy and Daddy.
40
00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:25,880
That's why the kids
are in the garden.
41
00:02:25,920 --> 00:02:30,240
They're being distracted by
Lee's dad. Oh. Don't worry, Anna.
42
00:02:30,280 --> 00:02:31,480
He came round to see them.
43
00:02:31,520 --> 00:02:35,040
They didn't just find him
sleeping under the hedge...again.
44
00:02:36,320 --> 00:02:42,000
Does this look like an upper
connecting flange bracket to you?
45
00:02:42,040 --> 00:02:44,360
That looks like
a disposable grout spreader.
46
00:02:45,680 --> 00:02:47,680
We really need to
clear out this garage.
47
00:02:50,560 --> 00:02:52,440
So what have you got for the kids?
48
00:02:53,600 --> 00:02:56,960
A total warfare ultimate blaster
water battle set.
49
00:02:57,000 --> 00:02:59,080
You can have a go with it tomorrow,
if you like.
50
00:02:59,120 --> 00:03:03,960
Fancy getting a bit of a drenching,
Anna? Not really. Yeah, better not.
51
00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:07,160
She might melt. Then who'd look
after the flying blue monkeys?
52
00:03:09,760 --> 00:03:11,320
The kids have been after
one for ages,
53
00:03:11,360 --> 00:03:14,160
so that's their present
from me and Lee.
54
00:03:14,200 --> 00:03:15,440
And Father Christmas?
55
00:03:15,480 --> 00:03:18,080
Oh, yeah, they still get
presents from Father Christmas,
56
00:03:18,120 --> 00:03:22,080
but for some reason they also get
an astronomically expensive present
57
00:03:22,120 --> 00:03:24,160
from Mummy and Daddy. Careful, Lee.
58
00:03:24,200 --> 00:03:27,760
You don't want Jacob Marley
visiting you while you're asleep.
59
00:03:27,800 --> 00:03:30,520
He won't get that reference.
Try Scrooge McDuck.
60
00:03:33,320 --> 00:03:35,640
Anyway, we'd better be off.
I'd better get started
61
00:03:35,680 --> 00:03:38,160
on my own once-yearly desperate
bid for affection.
62
00:03:41,560 --> 00:03:44,360
I mean assembling Jack's present.
Oh.
63
00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:46,960
We put the other thing back
till Easter, remember.
64
00:03:48,760 --> 00:03:52,240
We've got Jack a trampoline.
Oh, not keen on trampolines.
65
00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:54,960
I've seen the damage they can cause.
Oh, it's fine.
66
00:03:55,000 --> 00:03:57,320
We're putting mats down
to protect the lawn.
67
00:03:58,920 --> 00:04:01,600
Don't! They've been weighed.
Well, you know what your mum's like.
68
00:04:01,640 --> 00:04:03,960
She's bound to pick me up
on something about me cooking.
69
00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:06,000
I don't know why you're even
making stollen cake.
70
00:04:06,040 --> 00:04:08,360
Why can't we have Christmas pudding,
like normal people?
71
00:04:08,400 --> 00:04:10,560
Cos nobody really likes
Christmas pudding.
72
00:04:10,600 --> 00:04:13,560
Talking of things soaked in alcohol
that no-one's keen on...
73
00:04:16,480 --> 00:04:19,800
Calm down, calm down. Sorry, I've
got 'em a little bit overexcited.
74
00:04:19,840 --> 00:04:24,520
Why, did you say you were leaving?
We want a trampoline for Christmas.
75
00:04:26,760 --> 00:04:30,320
I thought you wanted a water
battle set. And a trampoline.
76
00:04:30,360 --> 00:04:33,640
Jack's getting one.
Jack doesn't know what he's getting.
77
00:04:33,680 --> 00:04:36,920
He might be getting nothing,
like me, till Easter.
78
00:04:39,280 --> 00:04:40,520
We'll see you tomorrow.
79
00:04:42,720 --> 00:04:45,520
Are you sure you don't wanna come
for Christmas dinner tomorrow, Dad?
80
00:04:45,560 --> 00:04:48,080
No, and there's no point
in trying to twist my arm.
81
00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:49,880
Oh, go on, can I,
just for a bit of fun?
82
00:04:49,920 --> 00:04:52,360
I'm more than happy being
with my mates down at the pub.
83
00:04:52,400 --> 00:04:55,000
It's better than Lucy's parents
looking down their noses at me
84
00:04:55,040 --> 00:04:56,360
all day, like last Christmas.
85
00:04:57,920 --> 00:05:00,040
Look, Dad, I know what
they're like, trust me,
86
00:05:00,080 --> 00:05:02,680
but you don't exactly do
yourself any favours.
87
00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:05,160
You didn't even bring a proper
present for the kids last year.
88
00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:07,240
What's wrong with a selection box?
89
00:05:07,280 --> 00:05:09,680
Since you ask,
the Curly Wurly was missing.
90
00:05:10,920 --> 00:05:13,440
OK. Sorry it wasn't good enough.
I'll get going.
91
00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:16,600
My parents will be here in a minute.
He said he was leaving.
92
00:05:16,640 --> 00:05:17,880
No need to threaten him.
93
00:05:19,160 --> 00:05:21,280
I'm assuming they're coming
round to do their usual,
94
00:05:21,320 --> 00:05:24,040
so the kids can open
their present from them a day early.
95
00:05:24,080 --> 00:05:26,320
I did it when I was a kid
with my grandparents.
96
00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:29,200
It's a family tradition.
Not in my family it wasn't.
97
00:05:29,240 --> 00:05:32,240
I'm happy to do your Christmas
family traditions as well.
98
00:05:32,280 --> 00:05:33,440
Shall I call the police now,
99
00:05:33,480 --> 00:05:35,800
or do you wanna throw a chair
through the window first?
100
00:05:35,840 --> 00:05:37,680
KNOCK AT DOOR
101
00:05:37,720 --> 00:05:39,920
Sorry, but expecting people to
open your presents
102
00:05:39,960 --> 00:05:42,320
before anybody else's is just
hogging the limelight.
103
00:05:42,360 --> 00:05:46,280
They are not hogging the limelight.
Merry Christmas, everybody.
104
00:05:50,480 --> 00:05:51,880
Now that's a selection box.
105
00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:55,400
Grandma! Grandad!
106
00:05:55,440 --> 00:05:58,120
What have you got us for Christmas?
107
00:05:58,160 --> 00:06:00,600
Oh, I don't think we've got
anything, have we, Wendy?
108
00:06:00,640 --> 00:06:04,160
I think we forgot to get you
something. What's in that big box?
109
00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:08,080
What big box?
I can't see a big box. Shame.
110
00:06:08,120 --> 00:06:09,800
That's how it started with my mum -
111
00:06:09,840 --> 00:06:12,280
not long after she was
stood in Rumbelows, naked,
112
00:06:12,320 --> 00:06:14,360
trying to buy a telly
with a ration book.
113
00:06:15,560 --> 00:06:18,520
Anyway, I wish you all
a Merry Christmas.
114
00:06:18,560 --> 00:06:21,880
Maybe see if you can track down
that Curly Wurly from last year,
115
00:06:21,920 --> 00:06:25,320
eh, Frank?
I'll keep my eye open for clues.
116
00:06:25,360 --> 00:06:27,480
Maybe look for someone
with a toffee nose.
117
00:06:29,240 --> 00:06:31,600
Can we open it?
Course you can open it.
118
00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:38,360
You'll find mixing it
with your fingers is better, Lee.
119
00:06:38,400 --> 00:06:41,320
Don't want to bruise the raisins.
I know.
120
00:06:41,360 --> 00:06:43,960
It's the same reason
I bought a padded bicycle seat.
121
00:06:46,720 --> 00:06:50,320
It's a total warfare ultimate
blaster water battle set!
122
00:06:50,360 --> 00:06:52,920
Just look at those faces. Priceless.
123
00:06:57,680 --> 00:07:01,000
Oh, Mum, Dad, you really shouldn't
have. Oh, it's nothing, really.
124
00:07:01,040 --> 00:07:03,600
Just a silly little thing.
Well, you say little.
125
00:07:03,640 --> 00:07:06,680
I bet it'll take approximately
2 hours and 17 minutes to assemble,
126
00:07:06,720 --> 00:07:08,960
and you don't get that
kind of time back, do you?
127
00:07:10,440 --> 00:07:13,240
Lucy, can you help me
in the kitchen for a second?
128
00:07:13,280 --> 00:07:16,560
Anything I can do, Lee? No, thank
you, Wendy, you've done enough.
129
00:07:19,040 --> 00:07:21,040
Did you know they were
getting the same present?
130
00:07:21,080 --> 00:07:22,400
Yes, Lee, of course I did,
131
00:07:22,440 --> 00:07:24,760
but I just thought you can never
have too many
132
00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:27,520
total warfare ultimate
blaster water battle sets.
133
00:07:27,560 --> 00:07:30,760
We need to get a new present
for the kids right now. Now?
134
00:07:30,800 --> 00:07:32,880
It's four o'clock on Christmas Eve.
You're right.
135
00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:36,120
Let's leave it for a few hours,
really get the adrenaline going.
136
00:07:36,160 --> 00:07:38,760
You need to go to the shops,
and quickly, before they close.
137
00:07:38,800 --> 00:07:41,760
Oh, so I'm supposed to prepare
the food and do the shopping? Yeah.
138
00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:43,560
I wonder what that must feel like.
139
00:07:44,920 --> 00:07:46,240
Why can't you go?
140
00:07:46,280 --> 00:07:48,200
Cos I've still got loads to do.
So have I!
141
00:07:48,240 --> 00:07:50,840
I've got to parboil the potatoes
in salt water, for a start.
142
00:07:50,880 --> 00:07:53,000
Well, maybe you can boil them
in our children's tears
143
00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:55,640
when they have no presents
to unwrap in the morning.
144
00:07:55,680 --> 00:07:58,920
I can carry on with the cooking.
Look, how about this?
145
00:07:58,960 --> 00:08:01,760
Instead of a present, we get
the kids a handwritten voucher,
146
00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:05,240
something that says, "This entitles
you to a pizza and a pantomime."
147
00:08:06,440 --> 00:08:09,760
You think our children will be
impressed by a handwritten voucher?
148
00:08:09,800 --> 00:08:11,640
You're impressed
when I do that for you.
149
00:08:11,680 --> 00:08:13,960
Can I let you into
a little secret, Lee?
150
00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:16,000
I really am not.
151
00:08:17,840 --> 00:08:20,640
Everything all right in here?
Yes, fine, thanks.
152
00:08:20,680 --> 00:08:24,680
Lee just needed a hand with the
food preparation for tomorrow.
153
00:08:24,720 --> 00:08:26,840
Leaving it all a bit late,
aren't you, Lee?
154
00:08:28,280 --> 00:08:31,640
If you need some help, Lee,
just say the word.
155
00:08:31,680 --> 00:08:33,640
Oh, let me have two words.
156
00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:39,200
Can you set it up for us, Grandad?
157
00:08:39,240 --> 00:08:43,480
No, I think I'll let your father do
that. Think you can manage it, Lee?
158
00:08:43,520 --> 00:08:44,880
Oh, I know I can.
159
00:08:46,280 --> 00:08:47,400
See you all tomorrow.
160
00:08:48,640 --> 00:08:52,680
Can you set it up for us, Daddy?
Please! Later. Upstairs, everyone.
161
00:08:52,720 --> 00:08:54,600
Daddy has just got
to pop to the shops.
162
00:08:56,200 --> 00:08:57,720
And get them what?
163
00:08:57,760 --> 00:09:01,400
Trampoline. A trampoline?
Ssh! We know they want one.
164
00:09:01,440 --> 00:09:02,640
They said so earlier.
165
00:09:02,680 --> 00:09:04,360
And you said
they were a safety hazard.
166
00:09:04,400 --> 00:09:06,560
Yeah, well, that's the good
thing about having twins.
167
00:09:06,600 --> 00:09:08,920
You've always got a spare. Go!
168
00:09:11,840 --> 00:09:14,360
What are you doing?
I'm taking it back to the shop.
169
00:09:14,400 --> 00:09:16,760
You can't take that one.
We haven't got a receipt for it.
170
00:09:16,800 --> 00:09:19,480
No, but we've got a receipt
for the one that we bought.
171
00:09:20,640 --> 00:09:24,320
Exactly - the one we bought. God
knows where Mum and Dad got theirs.
172
00:09:24,360 --> 00:09:27,480
Could even have been online.
So? The shop won't know that.
173
00:09:27,520 --> 00:09:30,240
As long as we've got a receipt
they'll take any back...
174
00:09:31,320 --> 00:09:34,040
I think.
You think?
175
00:09:34,080 --> 00:09:37,280
I'm not risking our children's
happiness based on you thinking.
176
00:09:39,280 --> 00:09:42,120
So I'm supposed to go back into the
garage, dismantle the water battle
177
00:09:42,160 --> 00:09:44,280
set I spent ages assembling,
drag it back to the shop,
178
00:09:44,320 --> 00:09:46,440
swap it for a trampoline,
bring the trampoline home,
179
00:09:46,480 --> 00:09:47,560
assemble the trampoline,
180
00:09:47,600 --> 00:09:50,480
and then assemble the water battle
set that your mum and dad got them?
181
00:09:51,760 --> 00:09:53,480
Do you need me in this conversation?
182
00:10:16,480 --> 00:10:18,160
I'd like to do an exchange, please.
183
00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:20,760
Kids got two of the same present.
What, already?
184
00:10:20,800 --> 00:10:23,880
It's not even Christmas Day.
Exactly.
185
00:10:23,920 --> 00:10:26,080
Stupid grandparents always
give them a day early.
186
00:10:26,120 --> 00:10:31,120
Hey, I gave my grandchildren
their gifts this morning, actually.
187
00:10:31,160 --> 00:10:34,400
Blimey, is there an epidemic of
grandparent pre-emptive gift-giving?
188
00:10:34,440 --> 00:10:36,920
What's the rush?
Did someone predict a cold snap?
189
00:10:41,560 --> 00:10:46,720
That's no problem, as long as the
gift is in its original packaging.
190
00:10:46,760 --> 00:10:47,800
Yup.
191
00:10:50,880 --> 00:10:56,000
Am I right in assuming that this
has been taken out of its packaging?
192
00:10:57,000 --> 00:10:59,560
I can see why you get the big bucks,
Michael.
193
00:10:59,600 --> 00:11:02,800
Why didn't you just bring back
the unopened one?
194
00:11:02,840 --> 00:11:04,200
Cos it wasn't from this shop.
195
00:11:04,240 --> 00:11:07,120
To be honest,
as long as you've got a receipt,
196
00:11:07,160 --> 00:11:09,040
we wouldn't have known anyway.
197
00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:13,560
I knew it. Well, if you knew it,
why didn't you do it?
198
00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:15,280
Cos I like things taking
much longer than
199
00:11:15,320 --> 00:11:19,360
they actually need to, so this
conversation is right up my street.
200
00:11:19,400 --> 00:11:24,320
I can't swap that, sir. For all I
know there could be pieces missing.
201
00:11:24,360 --> 00:11:27,520
Right. Well, I'll just have to
pay for the trampoline, won't I?
202
00:11:31,080 --> 00:11:35,000
Oh, God, I left me wallet at home
when I was getting the receipt out.
203
00:11:35,040 --> 00:11:38,200
Oh, dear. It's all right.
Have to phone my wife, won't I?
204
00:11:38,240 --> 00:11:40,280
She can pay for it over the phone
with a credit card.
205
00:11:40,320 --> 00:11:44,040
I'm sorry, sir, but we can't
accept payment over the phone.
206
00:11:44,080 --> 00:11:46,000
There's a risk of fraud.
207
00:11:46,040 --> 00:11:49,240
At the moment there's a risk of a
much bigger crime being committed.
208
00:11:49,280 --> 00:11:51,480
Now, if you don't mind, sir,
209
00:11:51,520 --> 00:11:54,600
I've got paying customers
for me to attend to.
210
00:11:54,640 --> 00:11:57,840
Christmas Eve tends to be
a busy time for us.
211
00:11:57,880 --> 00:11:59,280
It's a busy time for me.
212
00:11:59,320 --> 00:12:01,080
Now I'm supposed to be at home
in the kitchen
213
00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:04,040
with a wooden spoon mixing a stollen
cake. You should use your fingers.
214
00:12:05,040 --> 00:12:07,960
Much less chance
of bruising the raisins.
215
00:12:09,160 --> 00:12:12,520
Come on. You can clearly see that
this is a water battle set.
216
00:12:12,560 --> 00:12:15,600
Just let me swap it.
Yes, but like I say,
217
00:12:15,640 --> 00:12:18,760
I can't be certain that
all the pieces are there.
218
00:12:20,040 --> 00:12:22,360
Right! I'll prove all
the pieces are there.
219
00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:26,440
MUSIC: Christmas Wrapping
by The Waitresses
220
00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:37,480
DING DONG
221
00:12:37,520 --> 00:12:40,000
P.A.: This store
will close in five minutes.
222
00:12:40,040 --> 00:12:42,120
We wish all our customers
a very merry Christmas.
223
00:12:42,160 --> 00:12:43,840
If I ever meet that bloke,
224
00:12:43,880 --> 00:12:46,880
Allen Key, I am gonna shove his
flimsy little invention up his...
225
00:12:46,920 --> 00:12:48,400
DING DONG
226
00:12:49,480 --> 00:12:54,080
One total warfare ultimate
blaster water battle set.
227
00:12:54,120 --> 00:12:57,600
Oh, very nice, sir. You look
like you've done that before.
228
00:12:58,640 --> 00:13:02,960
Could I please now swap it for this
trampoline? I'm afraid not, sir.
229
00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:08,280
There's a bit missing - the upper
turret connecting flange bracket.
230
00:13:08,320 --> 00:13:09,960
What?
231
00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:15,600
Looks like a disposable grout
spreader. Often gets left out.
232
00:13:15,640 --> 00:13:18,480
People don't know where to stick it.
I wish I had it now.
233
00:13:18,520 --> 00:13:22,160
Sure I could improvise.
But you don't have it, do you, sir?
234
00:13:22,200 --> 00:13:24,240
So there's nothing I can do.
235
00:13:24,280 --> 00:13:25,720
Merry Christmas, sir,
236
00:13:25,760 --> 00:13:31,400
and may Santa leave a sprinkling
of festive magic up your chimney.
237
00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:36,920
And up yours. Oh, excuse me.
238
00:13:36,960 --> 00:13:39,800
I'm sorry, sir,
but you can't just leave that there.
239
00:13:39,840 --> 00:13:44,160
You'll have to dismantle it.
Oh, yeah? And who's gonna make me?
240
00:13:49,480 --> 00:13:54,000
MUSIC: Rockin' Around The
Christmas Tree by Brenda Lee
241
00:14:09,120 --> 00:14:12,680
Where have you been? I could have
made a trampoline in less time.
242
00:14:12,720 --> 00:14:14,760
Do you reckon you could
actually do that?
243
00:14:14,800 --> 00:14:18,840
I can't wait to see what you
and Daddy have got us this year.
244
00:14:18,880 --> 00:14:21,760
What is it?
You'll just have to wait and see.
245
00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:26,360
They'll be jumping up and down
when they find out. Well, you might.
246
00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:27,840
Where is it?
247
00:14:27,880 --> 00:14:30,640
They wouldn't let me swap it.
There was a piece missing.
248
00:14:32,440 --> 00:14:35,080
Right, everyone, bedtime.
249
00:14:35,120 --> 00:14:36,160
OK. Not you.
250
00:14:41,080 --> 00:14:43,440
I've dumped the water battle set
back in the garage.
251
00:14:43,480 --> 00:14:46,320
It's still in the box.
Christmas is ruined.
252
00:14:47,560 --> 00:14:49,320
Maybe we can see
this as a positive thing.
253
00:14:49,360 --> 00:14:51,960
You know, teach the children
not to take things for granted.
254
00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:55,760
I am not using Christmas morning
to teach my children a moral lesson
255
00:14:55,800 --> 00:14:57,840
about the value of disappointment.
256
00:14:57,880 --> 00:15:00,200
They can wait for that
until they're married.
257
00:15:01,240 --> 00:15:03,120
I could put a cheque in a card.
258
00:15:03,160 --> 00:15:05,880
All right, it's no substitute
for a trampoline. I dunno.
259
00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:10,360
They're both likely to bounce. It's
good that you can be funny about it.
260
00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:12,360
Try hysterical.
KNOCK AT DOOR
261
00:15:16,440 --> 00:15:19,920
Hello, son. Dad. I thought
we'd had your festive visit?
262
00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:22,320
You did, and you got me thinking,
263
00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:25,040
about how I've not made much
effort with the kiddies.
264
00:15:25,080 --> 00:15:28,120
I mean, I didn't even bring
a Christmas present for them.
265
00:15:28,160 --> 00:15:31,680
So I've brought a little something
round that they can open tomorrow.
266
00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:42,240
I hope that's a water battle set.
We're down to our final two.
267
00:15:42,280 --> 00:15:46,480
It's a trampoline. I heard the kids
earlier saying they wanted one.
268
00:15:46,520 --> 00:15:48,840
Well, how could you afford that?
Oh, it were nothing.
269
00:15:48,880 --> 00:15:52,680
I just scraped together me life
savings and popped along to B&Q.
270
00:15:52,720 --> 00:15:54,960
Only in our family can
the words "life savings"
271
00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:57,280
and "B&Q" appear
in the same sentence.
272
00:15:57,320 --> 00:16:02,560
Anyway, I hope they like it.
They'll love it. Thanks, Dad.
273
00:16:02,600 --> 00:16:06,400
Happy Christmas, son. I'll see you
next week. Yeah, see you next week.
274
00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:11,800
This is a Christmas miracle.
275
00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:14,280
We desperately wanted
a trampoline for the kids,
276
00:16:14,320 --> 00:16:15,480
and now they've got one.
277
00:16:15,520 --> 00:16:18,440
Yeah, from my dad. Yeah,
but they don't know that, do they?
278
00:16:22,280 --> 00:16:25,480
Are you suggesting we steal
a trampoline from my father?
279
00:16:25,520 --> 00:16:27,040
Oh, come on, Lee. It all works.
280
00:16:27,080 --> 00:16:29,520
The kids aren't expecting
a present from Grandad Frank
281
00:16:29,560 --> 00:16:30,600
so they won't miss out.
282
00:16:30,640 --> 00:16:35,160
They are expecting a present from
Mummy and Daddy. Well, here it is.
283
00:16:36,360 --> 00:16:38,520
Yes, all we have to do now
is kill my dad
284
00:16:38,560 --> 00:16:40,920
so he never finds out the truth.
285
00:16:40,960 --> 00:16:44,160
We don't have to do that. You said
that like you'd considered it.
286
00:16:45,600 --> 00:16:47,920
Frank isn't coming around
again until next week,
287
00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:49,160
so that's when we tell him.
288
00:16:49,200 --> 00:16:51,360
We say, "Sorry, Frank,
but we'd already got the kids
289
00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:53,640
a trampoline, but we didn't
have the heart to tell you
290
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:56,480
when you came round on Christmas Eve
because you looked so happy.
291
00:16:56,520 --> 00:16:58,920
So we popped out on Boxing Day
and got something really
292
00:16:58,960 --> 00:17:03,720
special for them from you, their
lovely, generous, Grandad Frank.
293
00:17:03,760 --> 00:17:06,360
Well, come on, Lee.
It's like something that happens
294
00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:09,120
in a Christmas film.
Yeah, The Grinch.
295
00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:12,400
Look, we'll get them
something amazing, I promise.
296
00:17:12,440 --> 00:17:13,520
The kids will love it,
297
00:17:13,560 --> 00:17:17,800
and love Grandad Frank for getting
it for them, so no-one loses out.
298
00:17:17,840 --> 00:17:19,840
You wouldn't pull this
stunt on your own parents.
299
00:17:19,880 --> 00:17:22,840
Right now, Lee, I would rob the
three wise men outside the stable.
300
00:17:23,920 --> 00:17:27,680
And at least now you can relax
and carry on with your cooking.
301
00:17:29,520 --> 00:17:30,720
Oh, I suppose.
302
00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:34,440
After you've assembled
the trampoline.
303
00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:38,400
Oh, and you need to reassemble that
water battle set in the garage.
304
00:17:38,440 --> 00:17:39,840
But before you do any of that
305
00:17:39,880 --> 00:17:42,680
you need to hide that water
battle set under the stairs.
306
00:17:42,720 --> 00:17:46,800
Could you do me a favour and stick
a small paintbrush up my backside?
307
00:17:46,840 --> 00:17:49,400
I think I'll glaze the turkey
whilst I'm at it.
308
00:17:49,440 --> 00:17:52,880
MUSIC: Fairytale Of New York
by The Pogues
309
00:18:07,280 --> 00:18:11,480
MUSIC: Silent Night
310
00:18:11,520 --> 00:18:15,320
MUSIC: Fairytale Of New York
by The Pogues
311
00:18:23,080 --> 00:18:26,840
This is the best Christmas
present ever!
312
00:18:26,880 --> 00:18:30,160
You're the best mum
and dad in the world!
313
00:18:30,200 --> 00:18:33,120
Do you think they'll still play
with the water battle set?
314
00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:37,440
Yep.
315
00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:38,600
Think they like both.
316
00:18:40,400 --> 00:18:44,680
To the man who made it
all happen. What, my dad?
317
00:18:44,720 --> 00:18:46,480
It's not actually stealing, is it?
318
00:18:46,520 --> 00:18:48,400
The kids ended up
with the same present,
319
00:18:48,440 --> 00:18:51,040
and they'll get an even better
one from Frank on Boxing Day,
320
00:18:51,080 --> 00:18:53,160
so in a way we've sort of
done everyone a favour.
321
00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:57,400
I wish you'd help me
set that trampoline up. Why?
322
00:18:57,440 --> 00:18:59,400
Because it was really
difficult to stretch,
323
00:18:59,440 --> 00:19:02,440
but seeing what you can do with the
truth, you'd have been a natural.
324
00:19:02,480 --> 00:19:05,000
I feel bad enough
without the guilt trip.
325
00:19:05,040 --> 00:19:07,760
Guilt is perhaps the most
painful companion of death.
326
00:19:09,200 --> 00:19:10,360
Coco Chanel said that.
327
00:19:11,880 --> 00:19:15,640
Will you cheer up, before I throw
a bucket of water in your face?
328
00:19:15,680 --> 00:19:16,960
Coco the Clown said that.
329
00:19:18,840 --> 00:19:20,360
Haven't you got cooking to do?
330
00:19:21,920 --> 00:19:24,400
Yeah, better finish that
stollen cake. Oh, it's all right.
331
00:19:24,440 --> 00:19:27,600
I did that last night while you
were finishing up in the garage.
332
00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:33,200
Did you do it properly? Yes.
Did you use fresh cinnamon?
333
00:19:35,360 --> 00:19:41,440
I put cinnamon in, yes.
Fresh cinnamon? Yes. It was in date.
334
00:19:42,840 --> 00:19:45,320
God, you put dried cinnamon
in my stollen cake.
335
00:19:45,360 --> 00:19:47,280
No-one will be able to tell.
Your mum will.
336
00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:51,280
She could get a job at an airport
with that nose. Will you calm down?
337
00:19:51,320 --> 00:19:53,520
Blimey,
where's your sense of humour gone?
338
00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:58,480
Do that again and I will smash
those guns with a brick.
339
00:20:09,880 --> 00:20:11,160
Dinner smells good.
340
00:20:11,200 --> 00:20:14,160
Better late than never.
Christmas drink?
341
00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:15,320
Better late than never.
342
00:20:15,360 --> 00:20:17,600
Mum and Dad will be
here in a minute.
343
00:20:17,640 --> 00:20:19,560
Better...finish
this bread sauce.
344
00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:23,800
We love the trampoline.
And Santa's present.
345
00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:26,080
Why didn't Grandad Frank
get us anything?
346
00:20:26,120 --> 00:20:28,680
Is it because he's as tight
as a gnat's chuff?
347
00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:32,880
Don't say mean things
about Grandad Frank.
348
00:20:32,920 --> 00:20:35,640
But Daddy says mean things
about him all the time.
349
00:20:37,400 --> 00:20:43,000
You called him a feckless Alfie.
A feckless alky. Don't correct her.
350
00:20:44,560 --> 00:20:46,200
What's an alky?
351
00:20:48,560 --> 00:20:50,560
Who wants some chocolate
before dinner? Me!
352
00:20:50,600 --> 00:20:53,960
It's the really sticky kind
that means you can't talk.
353
00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:55,280
KNOCK AT DOOR
Ooh!
354
00:20:58,120 --> 00:21:01,480
Happy Christmas. Merry Christmas.
355
00:21:02,680 --> 00:21:06,520
Mummy and Daddy got us a trampoline!
356
00:21:06,560 --> 00:21:09,320
Lucky you! I imagine it was
a devil to put together.
357
00:21:09,360 --> 00:21:10,760
I was up till 4am.
358
00:21:10,800 --> 00:21:14,560
If I were you I'd have started
the job a little earlier, Lee.
359
00:21:14,600 --> 00:21:17,400
Thanks, Geoffrey. I'll bear
that in mind for next year.
360
00:21:18,640 --> 00:21:20,960
Oh, sorry we had to ask
you to come a bit later.
361
00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:22,440
Things got a bit delayed.
362
00:21:22,480 --> 00:21:26,160
Well, dinner is almost ready, so
if you'd like to take a seat, kids.
363
00:21:26,200 --> 00:21:30,760
You'll ruin dinner. I'm assuming
the chocolates are from Frank again.
364
00:21:30,800 --> 00:21:35,200
No, Grandad Frank didn't get us
anything this year. Oh, good God.
365
00:21:35,240 --> 00:21:38,040
Yes, but he has promised to
bring you something next week.
366
00:21:38,080 --> 00:21:42,280
What could be more fun to play with
on Christmas morning than a promise?
367
00:21:42,320 --> 00:21:43,440
I happen to know he's bought
368
00:21:43,480 --> 00:21:45,320
a really great present
this year, actually.
369
00:21:45,360 --> 00:21:48,400
What is it? Well, what are you
hoping Grandad Frank has got you?
370
00:21:48,440 --> 00:21:52,600
cos whatever it is, I bet he
won't let you down. A puppy! A pony!
371
00:21:52,640 --> 00:21:55,960
A holiday to Disney World Florida!
372
00:21:56,000 --> 00:21:59,560
All right, he might let you down
a bit. Exactly. Oh, come on, Dad.
373
00:21:59,600 --> 00:22:04,400
You never know with Frank.
He sometimes surprises us. Ho-ho-ho!
374
00:22:04,440 --> 00:22:05,480
Merry Christmas.
375
00:22:07,080 --> 00:22:09,840
Dad, what are you doing here?
I'm sorry.
376
00:22:09,880 --> 00:22:13,640
My presence not welcome? We wouldn't
know. He never brings any.
377
00:22:13,680 --> 00:22:17,520
Haven't you eaten yet? I had mine
hours ago. Things got delayed.
378
00:22:17,560 --> 00:22:19,760
Lee was up all night
building a trampoline.
379
00:22:21,320 --> 00:22:23,560
I suppose that were my fault,
really. Oh, why's that?
380
00:22:23,600 --> 00:22:24,640
Has Lee not told you?
381
00:22:26,160 --> 00:22:29,280
Kids, is there anything you'd
like to say to your Grandad Frank?
382
00:22:29,320 --> 00:22:32,200
Have you brought us
a Christmas present? Another one?
383
00:22:32,240 --> 00:22:35,000
Yeah, what was wrong
with last year's?
384
00:22:35,040 --> 00:22:38,200
I heard a kindly old man came
into this house last night
385
00:22:38,240 --> 00:22:40,640
and left a rather special
present for you kids.
386
00:22:40,680 --> 00:22:42,080
He's talking about Santa.
387
00:22:42,120 --> 00:22:43,200
Thank you, Lucy, I think
388
00:22:43,240 --> 00:22:46,440
we were all managing to keep up
with the conversation.
389
00:22:46,480 --> 00:22:49,080
Santa's not the only one
who brings presents, is he?
390
00:22:51,600 --> 00:22:54,680
Is it too much for a man to ask
for a big hug as a thank you?
391
00:22:58,840 --> 00:22:59,880
Thank you.
392
00:22:59,920 --> 00:23:02,880
There you go, she said it.
Come on, Dad, I'll get you a drink.
393
00:23:09,320 --> 00:23:11,720
I thought you were trying
to avoid Lucy's parents today.
394
00:23:11,760 --> 00:23:13,600
I was, but now
I've bought that trampoline
395
00:23:13,640 --> 00:23:16,120
I can look Geoffrey
directly in the eyes.
396
00:23:16,160 --> 00:23:19,560
Bit extreme, innit? Couldn't you
have just worn your Cuban heels?
397
00:23:19,600 --> 00:23:22,160
So why was Molly thanking you
for that trampoline?
398
00:23:23,160 --> 00:23:26,000
Look, Dad, I've got
a sort of confession to make.
399
00:23:26,040 --> 00:23:27,880
We'd already got the kids
a trampoline,
400
00:23:27,920 --> 00:23:30,040
so we didn't give 'em
the one you bought.
401
00:23:30,080 --> 00:23:32,880
I was gonna tell you last night,
but you looked so happy.
402
00:23:33,960 --> 00:23:37,320
So the kids don't know I've
got 'em anything? Sorry, Dad.
403
00:23:37,360 --> 00:23:39,600
We didn't think you'd be
coming round till next week,
404
00:23:39,640 --> 00:23:42,240
and by then we'd have exchanged
it for something really special,
405
00:23:42,280 --> 00:23:43,480
and told them it was from you.
406
00:23:43,520 --> 00:23:46,440
So if you think about it,
we were sort of doing you a favour.
407
00:23:47,680 --> 00:23:49,840
There's no need to thank me.
408
00:23:49,880 --> 00:23:52,640
I suppose these things happen,
but I can't have them kids thinking
409
00:23:52,680 --> 00:23:53,960
I've not got 'em anything,
410
00:23:54,000 --> 00:23:56,400
so let's go in there
and explain to everyone now.
411
00:23:56,440 --> 00:23:59,800
Do you know, I can't wait to see
the look on Geoffrey's face
412
00:23:59,840 --> 00:24:02,600
when we show him my trampoline.
What do you mean, show him?
413
00:24:02,640 --> 00:24:04,880
Well, he's not gonna believe it
otherwise, is he?
414
00:24:04,920 --> 00:24:08,600
I mean it's a bit of a coincidence
both of us getting trampolines.
415
00:24:08,640 --> 00:24:11,880
Right. Where's my one?
In the garage?
416
00:24:13,000 --> 00:24:14,520
Actually, I put it in the loft.
417
00:24:18,440 --> 00:24:21,480
Must have been a bit heavy,
getting it up there. Yeah, it was.
418
00:24:23,200 --> 00:24:24,600
Through that little hatch.
419
00:24:26,520 --> 00:24:28,320
Yeah. I wish I hadn't
assembled it first.
420
00:24:28,360 --> 00:24:29,880
It would have been a lot easier.
421
00:24:29,920 --> 00:24:31,360
Why drag something into the loft
422
00:24:31,400 --> 00:24:34,160
when you were taking it back
to the shop a couple of days later?
423
00:24:34,200 --> 00:24:35,280
Well, you know me, Dad.
424
00:24:35,320 --> 00:24:38,320
I like to make life as complicated
as I possibly can for myself.
425
00:24:41,920 --> 00:24:43,960
Great minds think alike, eh?
426
00:24:44,000 --> 00:24:48,320
You've got the same one as me, with
a big letter J on it for "Jump".
427
00:24:49,920 --> 00:24:54,040
Well, like you,
we went to Homebase for it. B&Q.
428
00:24:54,080 --> 00:24:55,960
Homebase was closed
so we went to B&Q.
429
00:24:58,760 --> 00:25:00,880
I've met some villains in my time,
430
00:25:00,920 --> 00:25:03,880
but never anyone that would
steal a trampoline
431
00:25:03,920 --> 00:25:06,200
off his own father on Christmas Eve.
432
00:25:06,240 --> 00:25:08,560
To be fair, Dad,
that is a very specific crime.
433
00:25:09,720 --> 00:25:12,160
I'm sorry, Dad.
It was an emergency.
434
00:25:12,200 --> 00:25:14,920
Who needs a trampoline
in an emergency?
435
00:25:14,960 --> 00:25:17,760
Who are you, the fire brigade
in a Charlie Chaplin film?
436
00:25:18,760 --> 00:25:21,160
We had no choice.
We needed a present for the kids.
437
00:25:21,200 --> 00:25:22,720
Get them your own present.
438
00:25:22,760 --> 00:25:25,440
We did, but Lucy's parents
got the same thing.
439
00:25:25,480 --> 00:25:29,080
Oh, and we can't risk offending
Wendy and Geoffrey, can we?
440
00:25:29,120 --> 00:25:33,640
God forbid. But me?
Me, I'm treated like a dog.
441
00:25:33,680 --> 00:25:35,680
No, you're not.
I let you sit on the sofa.
442
00:25:37,240 --> 00:25:39,800
I spent my life savings
on that trampoline.
443
00:25:39,840 --> 00:25:42,880
I know you did, Dad, and me
and Lucy feel terrible about it.
444
00:25:42,920 --> 00:25:45,320
You'd be completely justified
walking back in there
445
00:25:45,360 --> 00:25:46,880
and telling everyone the truth.
446
00:25:46,920 --> 00:25:49,520
But please don't. I'm begging you.
447
00:25:52,040 --> 00:25:53,360
He knows. Oh, God.
448
00:25:55,680 --> 00:25:57,080
We'd invite you to join us, Frank,
449
00:25:57,120 --> 00:25:59,560
but of course you've already
had your Christmas dinner.
450
00:25:59,600 --> 00:26:02,040
Oh, I think I can find room
for a little bit more.
451
00:26:02,080 --> 00:26:06,160
After all, when I'm chewing
I'm not talking. Right, son?
452
00:26:07,400 --> 00:26:09,320
You sure, Dad?
Remember what the doctor said
453
00:26:09,360 --> 00:26:10,560
about watching your weight.
454
00:26:10,600 --> 00:26:16,640
Yeah, but you know me. I'm up
and down, up and down, up and down.
455
00:26:18,040 --> 00:26:19,200
Just like a... I get it.
456
00:26:38,280 --> 00:26:40,720
Um, those carrots
were very nice, Lee.
457
00:26:42,120 --> 00:26:44,240
Slightly unusual texture.
458
00:26:46,000 --> 00:26:48,720
What glaze are you using?
The dead-eyed stare.
459
00:26:52,280 --> 00:26:55,960
It's a honey glaze. Pinched
the recipe from Nigella. Really?
460
00:26:56,000 --> 00:26:58,160
Not like you to pinch things, Lee.
461
00:26:59,960 --> 00:27:01,400
So, come on, then, Charlie.
462
00:27:01,440 --> 00:27:04,760
You haven't told us what this
water battle set is like yet.
463
00:27:04,800 --> 00:27:08,120
Haven't really played with it much.
I've been too busy on my trampoline.
464
00:27:08,160 --> 00:27:09,400
We love the trampoline!
465
00:27:11,760 --> 00:27:14,600
Yeah, but you love the water battle
set too, don't you?
466
00:27:14,640 --> 00:27:17,240
Yeah, the water battle set
went down a storm with the kids.
467
00:27:17,280 --> 00:27:21,960
Just not as great as the trampoline.
Yes, but better than nothing, Frank.
468
00:27:24,640 --> 00:27:26,200
Another roast potato, Geoffrey?
469
00:27:26,240 --> 00:27:30,320
Not for me, thanks, but, um,
lovely food. Well done, Lee.
470
00:27:31,600 --> 00:27:33,760
Nice when somebody makes an effort,
isn't it, Frank?
471
00:27:33,800 --> 00:27:35,560
Oh, it certainly is.
472
00:27:35,600 --> 00:27:39,560
And you know what else our Lee is
very good at cooking up? Pork pies.
473
00:27:40,640 --> 00:27:45,080
Great big fat porky pies,
that he likes feeding to the kids.
474
00:27:46,960 --> 00:27:49,080
More veg, Frank? Oops!
475
00:27:49,120 --> 00:27:51,560
I nearly spilled the beans, then,
didn't I, Lucy?
476
00:27:53,200 --> 00:27:55,760
Who wants to pull a cracker
with Grandad Frank? Me!
477
00:27:58,560 --> 00:28:02,120
Oh, look, Molly,
a little toy mirror.
478
00:28:02,160 --> 00:28:04,520
Ask your dad can he bring himself
to look in it.
479
00:28:06,720 --> 00:28:08,560
You can have that.
480
00:28:08,600 --> 00:28:09,880
Very generous of you, Frank.
481
00:28:09,920 --> 00:28:14,960
It's what Christmas is all about,
isn't it? Sharing, giving.
482
00:28:16,440 --> 00:28:20,720
You don't have to tell me that.
Is that right? You know what?
483
00:28:20,760 --> 00:28:22,920
It's about time
I told you something.
484
00:28:22,960 --> 00:28:25,120
No. Let me tell you
something first, Dad.
485
00:28:25,160 --> 00:28:28,040
Do you remember that Christmas
when I was seven? What?
486
00:28:28,080 --> 00:28:30,920
I wanted a swing-ball set,
but I didn't get it. Didn't you?
487
00:28:30,960 --> 00:28:35,080
And I didn't get one
when I was eight, or nine, or ten.
488
00:28:36,280 --> 00:28:40,160
Every year I used to ask for that
swing-ball, but I never got it.
489
00:28:40,200 --> 00:28:43,120
You used to say to me,
"Maybe next year, son.
490
00:28:43,160 --> 00:28:45,400
"If you're good you'll get one,"
491
00:28:45,440 --> 00:28:49,720
and every year I used to try
really hard to be a good little boy,
492
00:28:49,760 --> 00:28:51,200
but it never worked.
493
00:28:51,240 --> 00:28:53,560
I never got that swing-ball.
494
00:28:53,600 --> 00:28:55,440
And yet despite all that,
495
00:28:55,480 --> 00:28:59,520
there's still a part of me
that thinks somehow, one day,
496
00:28:59,560 --> 00:29:05,040
I might just get what I really,
really want for Christmas.
497
00:29:05,080 --> 00:29:07,040
Who knows? Maybe this year.
498
00:29:10,480 --> 00:29:12,280
I'm sorry to break this to you,
Lee,
499
00:29:12,320 --> 00:29:14,880
but if he hasn't got
the grandchildren anything,
500
00:29:14,920 --> 00:29:17,280
I doubt very much
he's got you a swing-ball.
501
00:29:19,200 --> 00:29:21,080
What were you going to tell us,
Frank?
502
00:29:23,480 --> 00:29:25,560
Kids, you know you think your mum
503
00:29:25,600 --> 00:29:28,720
and dad are so wonderful
for getting that trampoline?
504
00:29:28,760 --> 00:29:30,280
Yeah. Well, guess what?
505
00:29:32,840 --> 00:29:33,880
They are wonderful.
506
00:29:35,080 --> 00:29:37,800
They're the best parents
in the whole wide world.
507
00:29:37,840 --> 00:29:40,040
Don't listen to him.
It's his word... What?
508
00:29:42,160 --> 00:29:43,280
Lee's right.
509
00:29:43,320 --> 00:29:46,400
I was a bit of a rubbish dad,
and I can't change that now -
510
00:29:46,440 --> 00:29:48,040
but that doesn't mean
I don't recognise
511
00:29:48,080 --> 00:29:50,920
when somebody else is making
a better job of it than I did.
512
00:29:51,920 --> 00:29:57,200
So I think it's time...we raised
our glasses...to Lee and Lucy...
513
00:29:58,280 --> 00:30:00,120
..for being such a great
mum and dad.
514
00:30:01,720 --> 00:30:07,880
I'll drink to that. Me too.
Cheers! Thanks, Dad.
515
00:30:07,920 --> 00:30:11,880
I just got my swing-ball.
See, he's not such a feckless alky.
516
00:30:13,400 --> 00:30:14,600
KNOCK AT DOOR
517
00:30:14,640 --> 00:30:17,200
Oh, that'll be Anna and Toby.
518
00:30:20,640 --> 00:30:22,560
Oh, Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
519
00:30:22,600 --> 00:30:25,040
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas. Come in.
520
00:30:25,080 --> 00:30:27,280
Mummy, can we take
Jack into the garden
521
00:30:27,320 --> 00:30:29,640
and show him our water battle set?
522
00:30:29,680 --> 00:30:30,720
Course you can.
523
00:30:32,160 --> 00:30:33,560
Oh, and kids,
524
00:30:33,600 --> 00:30:36,720
I just want to say I'm sorry that
I didn't get the chance
525
00:30:36,760 --> 00:30:38,480
to get you anything this year,
526
00:30:38,520 --> 00:30:41,360
but I'll make it up to you
in a few days, I promise.
527
00:30:41,400 --> 00:30:43,200
Don't I, Lee?
528
00:30:43,240 --> 00:30:45,720
Absolutely.
What will you get us?
529
00:30:45,760 --> 00:30:50,840
Yes, what will I get them, Lee?
I know. What about swing-ball?
530
00:30:53,040 --> 00:30:54,720
What is swing-ball?
531
00:30:54,760 --> 00:30:56,680
It's a tennis ball tied
to a piece of string,
532
00:30:56,720 --> 00:30:59,560
and you hit it round
and round a post.
533
00:31:03,240 --> 00:31:05,080
Or maybe a PlayStation.
534
00:31:08,000 --> 00:31:10,760
Say no more. Really, say no more.
535
00:31:12,800 --> 00:31:16,120
A PlayStation it is. Yeah!
536
00:31:16,160 --> 00:31:20,040
Thanks, Grandad Frank.
You're brilliant.
537
00:31:20,080 --> 00:31:24,840
So how's your Christmas been so far?
It's been wonderful.
538
00:31:24,880 --> 00:31:26,280
Really, really wonderful.
539
00:31:27,560 --> 00:31:31,280
Well, I'm glad somebody's
Christmas has worked out.
540
00:31:31,320 --> 00:31:34,960
It's been a little bit tough.
Listen to this.
541
00:31:35,000 --> 00:31:36,600
I got home with Anna last night.
542
00:31:36,640 --> 00:31:38,880
Well, that's not easy,
but you did marry her.
543
00:31:40,680 --> 00:31:43,760
I went straight out to the garage
to put Jack's trampoline together,
544
00:31:43,800 --> 00:31:45,280
and guess what?
545
00:31:45,320 --> 00:31:49,280
The garage had been broken into
and the trampoline had been stolen.
546
00:31:55,200 --> 00:31:58,840
Have you told the police?
Yes, and we gave a full description.
547
00:31:58,880 --> 00:32:00,680
Nine feet tall and bright blue.
548
00:32:02,120 --> 00:32:05,160
Sounds like he should be quite
an easy burglar to recognise.
549
00:32:06,760 --> 00:32:08,200
Well, it shouldn't be hard to spot.
550
00:32:08,240 --> 00:32:11,160
We had it specially made for Jack,
with a big letter J on it.
551
00:32:12,760 --> 00:32:14,960
The police say if it was taken
by professionals
552
00:32:15,000 --> 00:32:16,560
it's probably miles away by now.
553
00:32:16,600 --> 00:32:19,160
Yeah, but then again, if it was
taken by a complete bloody moron,
554
00:32:19,200 --> 00:32:21,800
it could be right under your nose.
555
00:32:21,840 --> 00:32:24,520
Dad, can you give me a hand
with the desserts, please?
556
00:32:28,720 --> 00:32:31,800
Well? I don't know where
you keep the pudding bowls.
557
00:32:33,080 --> 00:32:35,080
Did you steal that trampoline?
558
00:32:35,120 --> 00:32:38,400
How dare you? I bought it. From B&Q?
559
00:32:39,520 --> 00:32:43,480
Might have been Argos...
or Toys R Us.
560
00:32:45,200 --> 00:32:47,760
Come to think of it... Yes?
561
00:32:47,800 --> 00:32:50,000
I might have bought it
off a bloke in the pub.
562
00:32:51,200 --> 00:32:53,680
Still cost me money, though.
�50. �50?
563
00:32:53,720 --> 00:32:57,120
You said it was your life savings.
�50 is my life savings.
564
00:32:58,160 --> 00:33:01,760
And you didn't think possibly
that it just might be stolen?
565
00:33:01,800 --> 00:33:05,200
No. The bloke said he was a market
trader with leftover stock.
566
00:33:05,240 --> 00:33:07,200
There was no reason
not to trust him.
567
00:33:07,240 --> 00:33:09,280
What was his name?
Mickey the Fingers.
568
00:33:11,720 --> 00:33:15,000
See that wooden thing out there,
next to that stolen trampoline?
569
00:33:15,040 --> 00:33:18,480
Do you know what that is? A fence.
That's what you are.
570
00:33:19,640 --> 00:33:22,600
And on that fence, see that robin?
571
00:33:22,640 --> 00:33:24,280
They take food from other birds
572
00:33:24,320 --> 00:33:27,480
and pretend they've
hunted it themselves.
573
00:33:27,520 --> 00:33:32,080
That's what you are. That's magpies.
All right, Bill Oddie.
574
00:33:34,000 --> 00:33:36,960
What the hell are we gonna do? Well,
we haven't got any choice, have we?
575
00:33:37,000 --> 00:33:39,080
We're gonna have to tell Anna
and Toby the truth
576
00:33:39,120 --> 00:33:40,960
and tell them exactly
where it came from.
577
00:33:41,000 --> 00:33:44,440
You can't, Lee. With my record
they'll never believe me.
578
00:33:44,480 --> 00:33:45,680
I could go to prison.
579
00:33:45,720 --> 00:33:47,960
Please don't tell 'em
that trampoline came from me,
580
00:33:48,000 --> 00:33:49,480
I'm begging you.
581
00:33:49,520 --> 00:33:51,120
Sorry, can I just get some water?
582
00:33:53,560 --> 00:33:55,640
Kids sound like they're having fun.
583
00:33:55,680 --> 00:33:57,760
Remind me again,
what was it you got them?
584
00:33:59,120 --> 00:34:00,520
Water battle set.
585
00:34:00,560 --> 00:34:02,520
Well, they're obviously enjoying it.
586
00:34:04,000 --> 00:34:07,520
It's just a shame Jack didn't get to
enjoy his Mummy and Daddy present.
587
00:34:08,560 --> 00:34:10,680
If they ever get their hands
on the swines
588
00:34:10,720 --> 00:34:13,520
that stole his trampoline
I hope they string them up.
589
00:34:13,560 --> 00:34:16,200
We've gone too soft in this
country on petty criminals.
590
00:34:16,240 --> 00:34:19,680
I say lock them up and teach
the other thieves a lesson.
591
00:34:19,720 --> 00:34:22,560
Ruining a child's Christmas
like that - unforgiveable.
592
00:34:26,160 --> 00:34:29,280
Yeah, but never mind.
Presents aren't everything.
593
00:34:30,640 --> 00:34:34,160
I mean there are lots of other nice
things at Christmas, like...food.
594
00:34:38,840 --> 00:34:42,760
Look at this! Lee made it. Isn't
it lovely? It's stolen. Stollen!
595
00:34:43,760 --> 00:34:47,320
Stollen cake. What do you think?
596
00:34:47,360 --> 00:34:50,240
Very nice. I'll try a bit later.
597
00:34:50,280 --> 00:34:54,120
Now! Try some now. Right now.
Do you want some, Toby?
598
00:34:59,480 --> 00:35:01,360
There's a trampoline in your garden.
599
00:35:04,160 --> 00:35:06,600
How the hell did that get there?
600
00:35:06,640 --> 00:35:08,640
You said you got them
a water battle set.
601
00:35:09,680 --> 00:35:12,000
Yeah, but these toys,
they never look the same
602
00:35:12,040 --> 00:35:14,560
as the picture on the box
once you've built them.
603
00:35:14,600 --> 00:35:16,200
It's got a letter J on it.
604
00:35:18,160 --> 00:35:21,440
I know. J for Charlie.
605
00:35:23,240 --> 00:35:26,640
Charlie isn't his first name.
It's his middle name.
606
00:35:26,680 --> 00:35:28,160
What's his first name, then?
607
00:35:30,600 --> 00:35:31,760
Jesus.
608
00:35:33,960 --> 00:35:35,840
Why is our trampoline
in your garden?
609
00:35:41,240 --> 00:35:42,960
Oh, just tell them the truth, Lee.
610
00:35:46,160 --> 00:35:50,160
It was bought from a bloke
in the pub. What bloke?
611
00:35:52,160 --> 00:35:53,280
Mickey the Fence.
612
00:35:53,320 --> 00:35:55,160
Fingers. Who's telling this story?
613
00:35:56,560 --> 00:36:00,680
What kind of idiot buys his
presents from a bloke in a pub?
614
00:36:00,720 --> 00:36:02,600
I tell you exactly
what kind of idiot.
615
00:36:03,800 --> 00:36:04,840
It was...
616
00:36:06,520 --> 00:36:09,680
It was me. I bought it.
617
00:36:09,720 --> 00:36:15,000
It was very stupid of me.
Very, very, very stupid of me.
618
00:36:16,400 --> 00:36:20,320
Yes, it was. Very stupid indeed.
619
00:36:20,360 --> 00:36:22,280
Bloody stupid.
620
00:36:22,320 --> 00:36:24,560
Yeah, not the best idea
you've ever had, Lee.
621
00:36:27,160 --> 00:36:30,280
Yeah, but we were desperate
for a present at the last minute.
622
00:36:31,520 --> 00:36:34,240
We did what any parent
would have done. Any parent?
623
00:36:34,280 --> 00:36:37,760
All right, we did what no other
parent would ever dream of doing.
624
00:36:37,800 --> 00:36:39,800
There's something
very odd about this.
625
00:36:41,360 --> 00:36:44,680
Am I right in saying you used
dried cinnamon and not fresh?
626
00:36:47,040 --> 00:36:49,960
Oh, phone the police.
Don't phone the police.
627
00:36:52,360 --> 00:36:55,520
Well, I suppose at least
we've found our trampoline.
628
00:36:55,560 --> 00:36:57,200
Jack can have his present.
629
00:36:57,240 --> 00:36:59,120
I'll go and dismantle it.
630
00:36:59,160 --> 00:37:01,960
We'll just have to tell our kids
that they've lost their present.
631
00:37:03,520 --> 00:37:07,240
Good news, sweetheart. You know
the Christmas trampoline you wanted?
632
00:37:07,280 --> 00:37:10,720
Forget that. I don't want a
trampoline. Trampolines are boring.
633
00:37:12,040 --> 00:37:15,120
But you've been asking for one
for the last three months.
634
00:37:15,160 --> 00:37:18,000
I know, but now I want a water
battle set like they've got.
635
00:37:18,040 --> 00:37:19,120
They're brilliant.
636
00:37:21,680 --> 00:37:23,280
Jack, follow me.
637
00:37:28,200 --> 00:37:31,840
MUSIC: It's The Most Wonderful Time
Of The Year by Andy Williams
638
00:37:31,880 --> 00:37:33,560
Merry Christmas, Jack.
639
00:37:33,600 --> 00:37:37,560
This is from your mum and dad.
Thanks, you're the best.
640
00:37:39,280 --> 00:37:41,040
You're assembling it. Course I am.
641
00:38:23,160 --> 00:38:24,880
Next year they are getting a pony.
642
00:38:24,930 --> 00:38:29,480
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