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1
00:00:02,200 --> 00:00:04,670
? We're not going out
2
00:00:04,720 --> 00:00:06,310
? Not staying in
3
00:00:06,360 --> 00:00:09,390
? Just hanging around
with my head in a spin
4
00:00:09,440 --> 00:00:12,310
? But there is no need
to scream and shout
5
00:00:12,360 --> 00:00:15,693
? We're not going out
6
00:00:15,818 --> 00:00:19,014
? We are not going out. ?
7
00:00:22,600 --> 00:00:23,950
Well, obviously, it's up to you,
8
00:00:24,000 --> 00:00:25,030
Lucy, but here's a few
9
00:00:25,080 --> 00:00:27,190
that I've done in the past,
10
00:00:27,240 --> 00:00:28,830
so this one's got lots of cupcakes.
11
00:00:28,880 --> 00:00:31,830
This has got three tiers with
flowers all round the edge.
12
00:00:31,880 --> 00:00:35,390
Now, this is something a bit special,
this has got actual lit
13
00:00:35,440 --> 00:00:38,710
sparklers in it and a bride
and groom figure on top.
14
00:00:38,760 --> 00:00:40,750
Well, they're all very impressive,
Daisy,
15
00:00:40,800 --> 00:00:44,350
but I was thinking a less
ambitious hairstyle.
16
00:00:44,400 --> 00:00:45,670
Just something simple.
17
00:00:45,720 --> 00:00:48,310
I don't really do simple.
18
00:00:48,360 --> 00:00:50,350
Don't be so modest, Daisy.
19
00:00:50,400 --> 00:00:52,310
Dad, is everything ready
for tomorrow?
20
00:00:52,360 --> 00:00:54,390
Did you tell the church
we've changed the music?
21
00:00:54,440 --> 00:00:56,710
And have you shown the caterers
the new seating plan?
22
00:00:56,760 --> 00:00:59,670
Calm down, darling,
everything's arranged.
23
00:00:59,720 --> 00:01:02,310
No, Lucy's right. There's always
room to make improvements.
24
00:01:02,360 --> 00:01:05,910
Like what? The menus, the flowers?
25
00:01:05,960 --> 00:01:07,520
I was thinking the groom.
26
00:01:09,120 --> 00:01:11,430
Well, I'm not going out
the night before my wedding
27
00:01:11,480 --> 00:01:13,030
looking for a new man, Dad.
28
00:01:13,080 --> 00:01:14,430
What about Tim?
29
00:01:14,480 --> 00:01:17,830
Oh, I don't think so, Lucy,
he's your brother.
30
00:01:17,880 --> 00:01:19,550
And the best man.
31
00:01:19,600 --> 00:01:22,550
- Do you know when his flight's getting in from Germany?
- Nine.
32
00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:23,950
That's quite late.
33
00:01:24,000 --> 00:01:26,350
Oh, no, sorry,
I was practising my German.
34
00:01:26,400 --> 00:01:28,990
You asked me if I knew,
so I said, "Nein."
35
00:01:29,040 --> 00:01:30,470
So you don't know.
36
00:01:30,520 --> 00:01:33,710
Oh, no, hang on, I always get my
yeses and noes mixed up in German.
37
00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:36,840
I do know what time
he arrives, so - ja.
38
00:01:37,880 --> 00:01:39,310
So what time does he arrive?
39
00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:40,760
Nine.
40
00:01:42,080 --> 00:01:45,030
Everything will be fine, Lucy.
Please stop worrying.
41
00:01:45,080 --> 00:01:47,430
My shoes! I've left them at
the flat! I've got to go back.
42
00:01:47,480 --> 00:01:50,270
You can't see Lee the night
before the wedding! It's tradition.
43
00:01:50,320 --> 00:01:53,110
Well, traditions are there to be
changed. I mean, you could see Lee
44
00:01:53,160 --> 00:01:55,350
the night before the wedding
and then never again
45
00:01:55,400 --> 00:01:57,470
for the rest of your life.
46
00:01:57,520 --> 00:02:00,990
- Don't worry, I'll go to the flat for you, Lucy.
- Oh, thank you.
47
00:02:01,040 --> 00:02:02,390
I'll take you, Daisy.
48
00:02:02,440 --> 00:02:05,070
I have to drop off my mother's
wedding ring anyway.
49
00:02:05,120 --> 00:02:08,310
Oh, how lovely! Is she getting
married too?
50
00:02:08,360 --> 00:02:10,110
No, Daisy, my mother's dead.
51
00:02:10,160 --> 00:02:12,840
Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
What awful timing.
52
00:02:13,880 --> 00:02:16,790
My mother's wedding ring is the one
Lucy's having as her wedding ring.
53
00:02:16,840 --> 00:02:19,470
Oh, well, in that case,
it's brilliant timing.
54
00:02:19,520 --> 00:02:22,030
Don't be long,
there's still loads to do.
55
00:02:22,080 --> 00:02:24,870
Don't worry, Lucy.
Lee will be far too busy to chat.
56
00:02:24,920 --> 00:02:28,160
You think you're stressed,
God knows what he'll be like!
57
00:02:33,160 --> 00:02:36,550
Ah, Geoffrey.
This is an unexpected surprise.
58
00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:38,630
All surprises are unexpected.
59
00:02:38,680 --> 00:02:42,590
It's like calling something
a round circle or a burning flame.
60
00:02:42,640 --> 00:02:44,240
Or an anal pedant.
61
00:02:45,840 --> 00:02:49,200
Go easy, Lee. His mum just died.
62
00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:55,390
She died in 1973, Daisy.
63
00:02:55,440 --> 00:02:59,640
Oh, well, in that case, I don't want
to sound harsh, but get over it!
64
00:03:02,520 --> 00:03:05,430
Actually, Lee, I did want to have
a word with you.
65
00:03:05,480 --> 00:03:08,990
Over the last few months, I might
have given you the impression
66
00:03:09,040 --> 00:03:11,710
that I wasn't happy about you
marrying Lucy.
67
00:03:11,760 --> 00:03:15,310
That I was angry or felt she could
have done better.
68
00:03:15,360 --> 00:03:16,790
Yes.
69
00:03:16,840 --> 00:03:20,200
Good. I just wanted to make sure
I'd got the message across.
70
00:03:21,640 --> 00:03:24,750
I know what you think of me.
But Lucy's good for me.
71
00:03:24,800 --> 00:03:27,470
Marrying her makes me
want to be a better person.
72
00:03:27,520 --> 00:03:28,990
Someone who achieves things.
73
00:03:29,040 --> 00:03:32,150
Then why are you slouching
on your backside watching EastEnders
74
00:03:32,200 --> 00:03:33,870
eating cereal from a box?
75
00:03:33,920 --> 00:03:36,710
Give me a chance,
I haven't married her yet.
76
00:03:36,760 --> 00:03:38,670
So was that all you popped round
for?
77
00:03:38,720 --> 00:03:40,430
The pre-match pep talk coach?
78
00:03:40,480 --> 00:03:43,070
No, I brought you this.
79
00:03:43,120 --> 00:03:45,710
I'm flattered, Geoffrey,
but I'm already taken.
80
00:03:45,760 --> 00:03:47,910
Trust me, if marrying you
myself stopped you
81
00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:49,350
from marrying my daughter,
82
00:03:49,400 --> 00:03:51,390
I'd change my name to Shirley,
put on a dress
83
00:03:51,440 --> 00:03:53,360
and get down on my knees.
84
00:03:54,480 --> 00:03:55,990
Down on your knees, Geoffrey?
85
00:03:56,040 --> 00:03:59,310
Come on, me and you need to leave
some mystery for our wedding night.
86
00:03:59,360 --> 00:04:03,150
This ring has been in the family
since my father was 19 years old.
87
00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:09,030
He gave it to my mother on their
wedding day - 14th February, 1927.
88
00:04:09,080 --> 00:04:11,190
Valentine's Day.
Very appropriate for a wedding.
89
00:04:11,240 --> 00:04:13,030
Did he cremate her on Ash Wednesday?
90
00:04:13,080 --> 00:04:15,430
Guard it with your life.
91
00:04:15,480 --> 00:04:18,190
It goes without saying - if that
doesn't get onto Lucy's finger,
92
00:04:18,240 --> 00:04:20,550
I'll be wearing your family jewels.
93
00:04:20,600 --> 00:04:22,390
As earrings.
94
00:04:22,440 --> 00:04:25,200
There's a nice image. Will you be
wearing the matching pendant?
95
00:04:26,640 --> 00:04:28,550
PHONE BEEPS
96
00:04:28,600 --> 00:04:30,150
Oh, dear.
97
00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:32,430
- What?
- Well, bad news, I'm afraid.
98
00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:35,030
Don't tell me -
Lucy's called the whole thing off.
99
00:04:35,080 --> 00:04:36,280
No, I said bad news.
100
00:04:37,920 --> 00:04:39,470
It's a text from Tim.
101
00:04:39,520 --> 00:04:40,950
His flight's been cancelled.
102
00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:42,950
He can't make it back
in time for the wedding.
103
00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:45,190
You're going to need
another best man.
104
00:04:45,240 --> 00:04:47,480
EASTENDERS CLOSING THEME PLAYS
105
00:04:54,400 --> 00:04:55,910
- Well, why didn't he phone me?
- He did.
106
00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:57,750
Apparently, you didn't pick up
your phone.
107
00:04:57,800 --> 00:05:00,470
- Well, credit where it's due, I suppose.
- What do you mean by that?
108
00:05:00,520 --> 00:05:02,990
I was due to buy some
credit for my phone.
109
00:05:03,040 --> 00:05:05,670
But... where are you going to get
another best man
110
00:05:05,720 --> 00:05:07,270
at such short notice?
111
00:05:07,320 --> 00:05:09,310
I'm sure I'll find another
responsible
112
00:05:09,360 --> 00:05:10,870
and organised person to step in.
113
00:05:10,920 --> 00:05:12,280
All right, son?
114
00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:15,000
Oh, God.
115
00:05:19,120 --> 00:05:20,910
Oh, come on.
You're invited to the wedding,
116
00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:22,710
so you're going to be
in the church anyway.
117
00:05:22,760 --> 00:05:26,510
It'll be like one extra little thing
to do, won't it? Being best man.
118
00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:31,950
No? OK, I understand. Yeah, you've
already got a lot to do tomorrow.
119
00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:33,480
OK, thanks, Reverend.
120
00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:37,590
You should have just asked me, son.
121
00:05:37,640 --> 00:05:39,710
I've got a great best man speech.
122
00:05:39,760 --> 00:05:41,390
"Ladies and gentlemen,"
123
00:05:41,440 --> 00:05:43,990
"what's the difference
between the bride's knickers..."
124
00:05:44,040 --> 00:05:46,350
All right, we'll be fine, thanks.
125
00:05:46,400 --> 00:05:48,870
Oh, hello! How are you doing?
126
00:05:48,920 --> 00:05:51,390
Yeah. A bit of a weird one,
this, but it's an emergency.
127
00:05:51,440 --> 00:05:55,590
I'm getting married tomorrow
and my best man can't make it.
128
00:05:55,640 --> 00:05:57,760
Yes, my name's Lee.
129
00:05:58,840 --> 00:06:01,990
No, but I order quite
a lot of pizzas from you.
130
00:06:02,040 --> 00:06:03,630
Hello?
131
00:06:03,680 --> 00:06:05,030
Come on, son.
132
00:06:05,080 --> 00:06:07,790
You're not going to find anyone
else at this short notice.
133
00:06:07,840 --> 00:06:11,680
Oh, God. OK, since I have literally
got no other choice...
134
00:06:14,280 --> 00:06:16,390
You don't know what this
means to me.
135
00:06:16,440 --> 00:06:19,710
Out of all the people
you could have picked.
136
00:06:19,760 --> 00:06:21,790
If only your mother were
here to see this.
137
00:06:21,840 --> 00:06:24,270
Yeah, then I'd have asked her
to put on a false moustache
138
00:06:24,320 --> 00:06:26,430
and got her to do it instead.
139
00:06:26,480 --> 00:06:28,600
She wouldn't have needed
a false one.
140
00:06:31,040 --> 00:06:33,150
Come on then, ask me.
141
00:06:33,200 --> 00:06:36,270
You're actually going to make me
say the words?
142
00:06:36,320 --> 00:06:38,310
OK. Dad?
143
00:06:38,360 --> 00:06:39,880
Yes, son? What is it?
144
00:06:41,040 --> 00:06:43,670
Will you do me the honour
of being my best man?
145
00:06:43,720 --> 00:06:46,990
Ooh, I'll have to think about it
and get back to you.
146
00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:50,030
Of course I will, son, and I'll
take this ring while I'm at it.
147
00:06:50,080 --> 00:06:52,670
Whoa, whoa! You can take your
paws off that till tomorrow.
148
00:06:52,720 --> 00:06:54,870
I don't want to find myself
at the altar handing Lucy
149
00:06:54,920 --> 00:06:57,230
a chit from Cash Converters.
Put it in the top drawer.
150
00:06:57,280 --> 00:06:59,670
Relax, Lee. You don't need
to worry now, I'm in charge.
151
00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:02,630
I'll sort everything.
The rings, the stag night...
152
00:07:02,680 --> 00:07:05,230
Stag night?
The wedding's tomorrow, Dad.
153
00:07:05,280 --> 00:07:08,070
- I'm not having a stag night.
- You're not having a stag?
154
00:07:08,120 --> 00:07:10,190
It's meant to be your last
night of freedom.
155
00:07:10,240 --> 00:07:12,670
It was until you turned up.
156
00:07:12,720 --> 00:07:14,750
What were you planning to do
with yourself?
157
00:07:14,800 --> 00:07:17,630
I was just going to iron my shirt,
have a bath, go to bed with a book.
158
00:07:17,680 --> 00:07:20,030
Bloody hell, you're meant to be
having new experiences.
159
00:07:20,080 --> 00:07:21,600
They are new experiences.
160
00:07:23,240 --> 00:07:25,910
Well, bollocks to this, son.
We're having a night on the tiles.
161
00:07:25,960 --> 00:07:28,910
OK. How do you fancy a few pints
down the pub, nightclub afterwards
162
00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:31,750
- and see where things lead?
- Sounds good to me, that, son. - All right.
163
00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:33,360
Let me know how you get on.
164
00:07:34,880 --> 00:07:36,190
Oh, come on, son.
165
00:07:36,240 --> 00:07:38,190
You've got to let me
give you a lap-dance.
166
00:07:38,240 --> 00:07:41,030
You constantly find new ways
to disgust me.
167
00:07:41,080 --> 00:07:42,670
Not off me, at a club.
168
00:07:42,720 --> 00:07:44,190
Dad, it's not how it works any more.
169
00:07:44,240 --> 00:07:46,230
You don't go out on the razzle
the night before.
170
00:07:46,280 --> 00:07:49,110
- You have an early night.
- No, you don't! You go wild.
171
00:07:49,160 --> 00:07:50,830
I nearly missed my wedding,
you know.
172
00:07:50,880 --> 00:07:53,270
Two hours before it
I was blindfolded and handcuffed
173
00:07:53,320 --> 00:07:57,230
to a lamppost, and the keys on an
overnight mail train to Aberdeen.
174
00:07:57,280 --> 00:07:59,080
Got to hand it to Mum, she tried.
175
00:08:00,600 --> 00:08:04,110
So you won't even have a drink
with your own dad,
176
00:08:04,160 --> 00:08:06,110
your best man,
177
00:08:06,160 --> 00:08:07,640
on the night before the wedding.
178
00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:10,670
Breaks my heart, that does.
179
00:08:10,720 --> 00:08:13,870
Oh, God, all right,
we have one swift half down the pub,
180
00:08:13,920 --> 00:08:16,590
then straight back here for an early
night. Do you understand?
181
00:08:16,640 --> 00:08:18,870
Of course. That's fine.
182
00:08:18,920 --> 00:08:21,760
And don't worry, son,
you'll be safe with me.
183
00:08:23,200 --> 00:08:25,800
LOUD TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS
184
00:08:45,880 --> 00:08:48,030
HORN HONKS
185
00:08:48,080 --> 00:08:50,320
BUS HORN HONKS
186
00:08:54,440 --> 00:08:57,320
MUSIC: I Will Always Love You
by Whitney Houston
187
00:09:01,520 --> 00:09:02,720
HE GROANS
188
00:09:03,800 --> 00:09:04,840
HE GROANS
189
00:09:11,200 --> 00:09:12,800
HE SNORES
190
00:09:14,560 --> 00:09:16,160
FRANK KEEPS SNORING
191
00:09:18,880 --> 00:09:20,160
Is that you, Dad?
192
00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:24,840
Or is someone loading
a game on a ZX Spectrum?
193
00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:29,270
Oh, my God!
194
00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:30,680
Dad!
195
00:09:34,200 --> 00:09:35,520
What's the problem?
196
00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:38,430
- What's the problem?
- Yeah.
197
00:09:38,480 --> 00:09:40,350
I appear to have
mislaid my cuff links,
198
00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:42,270
you haven't seen them, have you?
199
00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:43,630
Oh, I get it.
200
00:09:43,680 --> 00:09:45,950
You're worried because we've
woke up in a police cell.
201
00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:49,630
Oh, no shit, Sherlock.
What time is it?
202
00:09:49,680 --> 00:09:52,210
- Why?
- Because I want to make sure I'm not late
203
00:09:52,260 --> 00:09:56,110
down for breakfast in case there's a queue
at the toaster. Why do you think?!
204
00:09:56,160 --> 00:09:59,470
Oh, yeah, the wedding.
It's 11 o'clock.
205
00:09:59,520 --> 00:10:02,670
I'm getting married in two hours!
What the hell happened?
206
00:10:02,720 --> 00:10:05,430
I've got vague memories
of peeing on a statue.
207
00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:08,280
Oh, yeah. But that wasn't a statue.
208
00:10:09,280 --> 00:10:10,630
Oh, I remember now.
209
00:10:10,680 --> 00:10:14,750
Well, at least it was a tribute
to his skills as a street artist.
210
00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:16,750
He wasn't a street artist either.
211
00:10:16,800 --> 00:10:18,920
Well, why was he dressed
as a copper?
212
00:10:22,280 --> 00:10:23,470
I'm sorry, son.
213
00:10:23,520 --> 00:10:25,230
I bet you couldn't be more
annoyed with me
214
00:10:25,280 --> 00:10:26,670
than what you are right now.
215
00:10:26,720 --> 00:10:28,190
You're damn right about that.
216
00:10:28,240 --> 00:10:31,110
Then this is probably a good time
to mention something else.
217
00:10:31,160 --> 00:10:32,640
I've lost the ring.
218
00:10:34,360 --> 00:10:37,030
I forgot to take it out of my pocket
at the flat and now it's gone.
219
00:10:37,080 --> 00:10:39,190
Oh, my God!
220
00:10:39,240 --> 00:10:42,040
Oy! Let me out! Hello?
221
00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:44,350
Why's no-one coming?
222
00:10:44,400 --> 00:10:46,590
It's a good sign,
it means we're not priority.
223
00:10:46,640 --> 00:10:49,310
They only come quickly
if you've committed a major crime
224
00:10:49,360 --> 00:10:51,390
or they think you're danger
to someone else.
225
00:10:51,440 --> 00:10:53,030
Thank you for the suggestion.
226
00:10:53,080 --> 00:10:55,990
Ah! Get off! Help!
227
00:10:56,040 --> 00:10:57,840
Officer!
228
00:11:02,080 --> 00:11:07,800
IN SPANISH: Buenos dias,
que par de borrachos mas tontos.
229
00:11:10,280 --> 00:11:12,160
You have got to be kidding me.
230
00:11:13,360 --> 00:11:14,640
Yeah, I am.
231
00:11:16,400 --> 00:11:18,800
Yeah, I always do that one
to scare the drunks.
232
00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:22,910
Well, I've got to get out of here.
I'm getting married this afternoon.
233
00:11:22,960 --> 00:11:25,750
Well, you should have thought of
that before you let your father
234
00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:28,470
indecently expose himself
to a police officer.
235
00:11:28,520 --> 00:11:30,110
I'm sure it was just a little joke.
236
00:11:30,160 --> 00:11:32,070
That's actually a very good
description
237
00:11:32,120 --> 00:11:33,680
of the offending article, sir.
238
00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:37,310
I've got to get out of here
and find a ring.
239
00:11:37,360 --> 00:11:40,040
Yeah, yeah, all right,
calm down, Gollum.
240
00:11:41,040 --> 00:11:43,110
Oh, very good.
Do you get it? Gollum?
241
00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:46,910
Because of the ring.
Unless you mean his face.
242
00:11:46,960 --> 00:11:49,870
Yeah, well, you'll be very pleased
to hear we've got your ring.
243
00:11:49,920 --> 00:11:51,950
We found it in his pocket.
244
00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:53,790
Oh, thank God.
245
00:11:53,840 --> 00:11:56,270
Right, well, we'll just take it
and we'll be on our way.
246
00:11:56,320 --> 00:12:00,790
Not so quick, sir, we've still got
a few things to sort out.
247
00:12:00,840 --> 00:12:03,910
Like what two drunks picked up
at 5:30 in the morning
248
00:12:03,960 --> 00:12:08,630
are doing with what is clearly
a very valuable piece of jewellery.
249
00:12:08,680 --> 00:12:11,030
I've just told you,
I'm getting married this afternoon.
250
00:12:11,080 --> 00:12:12,470
Yeah, you did mention that.
251
00:12:12,520 --> 00:12:15,030
Well, there you go. That's my
explanation for having a ring.
252
00:12:15,080 --> 00:12:17,910
Yes, or your motive for stealing one.
253
00:12:17,960 --> 00:12:20,840
Ooh. He's good, this one.
254
00:12:21,880 --> 00:12:23,630
- Thank you.
- Yeah, that's right.
255
00:12:23,680 --> 00:12:26,270
We planned and executed a very
successful jewellery heist
256
00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:28,870
and we almost got away with it,
until my father made the small
257
00:12:28,920 --> 00:12:33,790
tactical error of removing his penis
and weeing on a policeman's shoes.
258
00:12:33,840 --> 00:12:37,150
- I've got to get out of here right now.
- YOU are going nowhere, sir,
259
00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:38,990
unless you can prove it's yours.
260
00:12:39,040 --> 00:12:42,350
Well, technically speaking,
it's not mine, it's Geoffrey's.
261
00:12:42,400 --> 00:12:45,670
Oh, and if this Geoffrey character
is told all about this,
262
00:12:45,720 --> 00:12:48,190
will he happily verify
your story, sir?
263
00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:51,070
No, if Geoffrey is told
about this, he will happily
264
00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:54,470
rip off my genitals and use them
as a fashion accessory.
265
00:12:54,520 --> 00:12:56,150
OK, fine.
266
00:12:56,200 --> 00:12:59,190
In that case, we'll run it through
our database of stolen jewellery
267
00:12:59,240 --> 00:13:02,510
and as soon as it comes up clear,
you'll be free to go.
268
00:13:02,560 --> 00:13:03,790
Does that take long?
269
00:13:03,840 --> 00:13:07,030
Oh, not too long, sir, technology
being what it is these days,
270
00:13:07,080 --> 00:13:08,390
we should know within...
271
00:13:08,440 --> 00:13:10,080
ooh, three days.
272
00:13:11,080 --> 00:13:13,350
All right, I'll phone Geoffrey.
273
00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:15,350
I believe I'm entitled
to make one call.
274
00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:17,670
Good God. They watch
one episode of The Bill
275
00:13:17,720 --> 00:13:19,520
and they think they know it all.
276
00:13:23,520 --> 00:13:26,790
Daisy, do you definitely think this
will look OK when it's finished?
277
00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:29,120
What do you mean,
when it's finished?
278
00:13:31,840 --> 00:13:33,990
Where the hell are they?
279
00:13:34,040 --> 00:13:35,470
- Who?
- Well, Lee and Frank.
280
00:13:35,520 --> 00:13:37,470
They haven't answered the phone
all morning.
281
00:13:37,520 --> 00:13:38,630
Oh, my God.
282
00:13:38,680 --> 00:13:41,590
Don't panic, Lucy. Your father's
just making sure they're all right.
283
00:13:41,640 --> 00:13:43,350
It's sweet that he cares.
284
00:13:43,400 --> 00:13:44,950
I don't care.
285
00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:47,270
But if they're both lying
dead in a ditch,
286
00:13:47,320 --> 00:13:50,310
I might be able to get
a discount on the catering.
287
00:13:50,360 --> 00:13:53,670
Geoffrey pretends to be an old
grouch, but it's all an act.
288
00:13:53,720 --> 00:13:55,750
Yes, it's like when
I used to tell people
289
00:13:55,800 --> 00:13:57,630
I was a professional hairdresser.
290
00:13:57,680 --> 00:13:59,030
What?!
291
00:13:59,080 --> 00:14:01,510
PHONE RINGS
292
00:14:01,560 --> 00:14:02,550
Hello?
293
00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:04,390
Hey, Geoffrey! How's tricks?
294
00:14:04,440 --> 00:14:06,950
Oh, it's you, you're alive.
295
00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:09,070
No last-minute problems
your end, I hope.
296
00:14:09,120 --> 00:14:11,230
Yes, you're alive.
297
00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:13,190
'Where are you?'
298
00:14:13,240 --> 00:14:14,750
This isn't your landline.
299
00:14:14,800 --> 00:14:17,640
No, it's more what
you'd call a cell-phone.
300
00:14:24,400 --> 00:14:29,150
So how are you feeling about today?
Any last-minute nerves?
301
00:14:29,200 --> 00:14:32,790
Well, let me see. I'm meant to be
getting married in an hour and a half,
302
00:14:32,840 --> 00:14:36,190
my best man's in Germany,
my dad turns out to be a flasher
303
00:14:36,240 --> 00:14:38,790
and I've been locked up by a man
who thinks he's one half
304
00:14:38,840 --> 00:14:41,110
of the Spanish version
of the Chuckle Brothers.
305
00:14:41,160 --> 00:14:43,830
So yes, I have got a touch
of the butterflies.
306
00:14:43,880 --> 00:14:46,470
You never know, Geoffrey might be
calmer than you think.
307
00:14:46,520 --> 00:14:47,990
GEOFFREY: 'Bloody idiots!'
308
00:14:48,040 --> 00:14:51,630
'You ask me, you want to throw
away the bloody key!'
309
00:14:51,680 --> 00:14:54,750
Yeah, he's probably brought coffee
and muffins for everyone.
310
00:14:54,800 --> 00:14:58,670
So this is definitely your ring, sir?
311
00:14:58,720 --> 00:15:00,190
That's right.
312
00:15:00,240 --> 00:15:05,390
Well, that's almost everything
cleared up. Just one last thing.
313
00:15:05,440 --> 00:15:07,950
Can you identify these two men?
314
00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:09,190
At the moment, yes.
315
00:15:09,240 --> 00:15:10,950
But give me five minutes
alone with them,
316
00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:13,280
you'll have to rely on
dental records.
317
00:15:14,880 --> 00:15:17,200
Oh, yeah. Excuse me, gentlemen.
318
00:15:18,920 --> 00:15:20,870
Have you told Lucy about all this?
319
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:24,230
No, I didn't want to worry her.
For now.
320
00:15:24,280 --> 00:15:25,430
But thinking about it,
321
00:15:25,480 --> 00:15:28,350
maybe she does need to know the kind
of man that she's about to marry.
322
00:15:28,400 --> 00:15:31,870
Could you keep it secret just
a little bit longer, Geoffrey?
323
00:15:31,920 --> 00:15:33,070
And why would I do that?
324
00:15:33,120 --> 00:15:35,680
I was planning to use it
in my best man speech.
325
00:15:36,920 --> 00:15:39,230
Well, I've got a speech
for the pair of you.
326
00:15:39,280 --> 00:15:41,910
You're a couple of pathetic,
moronic, idiotic wastrels.
327
00:15:41,960 --> 00:15:45,510
You can't be trusted to get to
the church on your own wedding day,
328
00:15:45,560 --> 00:15:48,150
and you, well, you're
the reason he turned out
329
00:15:48,200 --> 00:15:49,870
to be so useless in the first place.
330
00:15:49,920 --> 00:15:52,510
You're both an absolute disgrace.
331
00:15:52,560 --> 00:15:56,120
Ooh, someone's annoyed
he wasn't invited on the stag night.
332
00:15:57,760 --> 00:16:02,750
So just to absolutely clarify, sir,
you're saying this is your ring?
333
00:16:02,800 --> 00:16:04,430
Yes, it is.
334
00:16:04,480 --> 00:16:06,670
Well, we carried on running
the search anyway
335
00:16:06,720 --> 00:16:08,950
and it's come up on our system.
336
00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:11,640
This ring is stolen.
337
00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:15,110
Nonsense.
338
00:16:15,160 --> 00:16:18,710
Until yesterday, it was
in that box underneath my bed.
339
00:16:18,760 --> 00:16:22,200
Which is why I'm very glad
you're here, sir.
340
00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:26,030
Saves us coming to look for you.
341
00:16:26,080 --> 00:16:29,560
Change of plan, Geoffrey.
I'll use this in my speech instead.
342
00:16:41,880 --> 00:16:43,790
This is ridiculous.
343
00:16:43,840 --> 00:16:47,590
Well, hopefully, Lucy and the vicar
are out there mugging someone.
344
00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:49,110
Why?
345
00:16:49,160 --> 00:16:53,350
Cos then they'll get locked up too
and we can do the service in here.
346
00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:54,950
The whole thing is absurd.
347
00:16:55,000 --> 00:16:57,710
I feel like I'm
in something from Kafka.
348
00:16:57,760 --> 00:17:01,030
Looks more like Moss Bros to me,
Geoffrey.
349
00:17:01,080 --> 00:17:02,830
I need to get out of here right now!
350
00:17:02,880 --> 00:17:05,870
You should have thought of that before
you went on your drunken rampage.
351
00:17:05,920 --> 00:17:09,630
Oh, I get it. If me and Lee get
locked up, we deserve it.
352
00:17:09,680 --> 00:17:12,110
If you get locked up,
it's a miscarriage of justice.
353
00:17:12,160 --> 00:17:13,310
That's right.
354
00:17:13,360 --> 00:17:16,030
Like we were asking for trouble,
you was a victim of the system.
355
00:17:16,080 --> 00:17:17,150
Correct again.
356
00:17:17,200 --> 00:17:19,230
I suppose that we are just
worthless scum,
357
00:17:19,280 --> 00:17:21,670
and you're from a different
breed of people altogether.
358
00:17:21,720 --> 00:17:25,110
Carry on, I'll let you know
when you get something wrong.
359
00:17:25,160 --> 00:17:27,270
Look, we need to sort this out
and quickly.
360
00:17:27,320 --> 00:17:29,910
One thing we know is that
Geoffrey is not a thief.
361
00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:31,870
Oh, but do we?
362
00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:34,190
He says that ring's a family
heirloom,
363
00:17:34,240 --> 00:17:36,630
but for all we know, he might have
got a sawn-off shotgun,
364
00:17:36,680 --> 00:17:39,630
put Wendy's tights over his head
and gone down to Argos.
365
00:17:39,680 --> 00:17:43,390
Don't be ridiculous. I've never
been near an Argos in my life.
366
00:17:43,440 --> 00:17:45,270
No, but I notice you didn't deny
367
00:17:45,320 --> 00:17:47,590
putting Wendy's tights
over your head.
368
00:17:47,640 --> 00:17:49,200
You pervert.
369
00:17:50,400 --> 00:17:52,470
The only pervert in this
cell is you.
370
00:17:52,520 --> 00:17:55,470
The police told me
about you exposing yourself.
371
00:17:55,520 --> 00:17:57,670
That was a misunderstanding.
372
00:17:57,720 --> 00:18:00,870
It's not my fault I got caught
short and had to expose them
373
00:18:00,920 --> 00:18:03,510
to my concealed weapon.
374
00:18:03,560 --> 00:18:05,110
Great, Dad, that's all we need now,
375
00:18:05,160 --> 00:18:07,710
lots of sexual innuendo about
your penis.
376
00:18:07,760 --> 00:18:11,000
Don't worry, son,
it won't stand up in court.
377
00:18:23,080 --> 00:18:27,110
Don't worry,
there's still time to change it.
378
00:18:27,160 --> 00:18:29,270
- Really?
- Absolutely.
379
00:18:29,320 --> 00:18:33,000
Now, I'm sure I saw a picture
of Brian May in here somewhere.
380
00:18:34,520 --> 00:18:36,910
The photographer's here, darling.
381
00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:38,870
Kill him.
382
00:18:38,920 --> 00:18:41,550
And the car's ready to take us
to church.
383
00:18:41,600 --> 00:18:43,590
What? We can't go yet!
384
00:18:43,640 --> 00:18:46,070
Lucy, the wedding's in 30 minutes.
385
00:18:46,120 --> 00:18:47,670
Look at me!
386
00:18:47,720 --> 00:18:50,760
I look like I've been
drawn by a four-year-old child.
387
00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:53,910
And where the hell is Dad?
388
00:18:53,960 --> 00:18:55,190
I'm not sure.
389
00:18:55,240 --> 00:18:58,030
He didn't say where he was going
and he's not answering his phone.
390
00:18:58,080 --> 00:19:01,070
Great. So Lee and Frank are missing
and now Dad's vanished too!
391
00:19:01,120 --> 00:19:03,310
We need to go right now, Lucy.
392
00:19:03,360 --> 00:19:04,790
But we can't!
393
00:19:04,840 --> 00:19:07,150
- We have to.
- But what about Dad and Lee?
394
00:19:07,200 --> 00:19:10,470
Lucy, I've been married
to your father for many years
395
00:19:10,520 --> 00:19:13,990
and it's a relationship
based on trust.
396
00:19:14,040 --> 00:19:16,430
If your marriage to Lee is to be
worth anything,
397
00:19:16,480 --> 00:19:18,400
you need to trust him too.
398
00:19:19,520 --> 00:19:23,870
Our men promised us they'd be
at that church
399
00:19:23,920 --> 00:19:25,640
and they will be.
400
00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:28,600
OK, Mum.
401
00:19:30,760 --> 00:19:33,840
Or I'll have the fucking bollocks
off the pair of them.
402
00:19:43,240 --> 00:19:45,190
Let me out! I'm warning you!
403
00:19:45,240 --> 00:19:47,550
They haven't built a cell strong
enough that can keep me
404
00:19:47,600 --> 00:19:49,110
from marrying Lucy!
405
00:19:49,160 --> 00:19:50,550
HE GROANS
406
00:19:50,600 --> 00:19:53,350
All right, they have built it.
And put me in it.
407
00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:56,550
But I'm very, very cross about it.
408
00:19:56,600 --> 00:20:00,910
In Escape From Alcatraz, Clint
Eastwood tunnelled out with a spoon.
409
00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:03,590
Oh, thanks, Dad. Unfortunately,
they appear to have put us
410
00:20:03,640 --> 00:20:05,990
in a cell without a set of cutlery.
411
00:20:06,040 --> 00:20:08,720
Well, they've probably seen
the same film.
412
00:20:10,440 --> 00:20:12,910
Oh, my God, it's 12.30
and I'm not even dressed.
413
00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:14,840
Nothing new there.
414
00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:18,190
You still think you're better
than me and Lee, don't you?
415
00:20:18,240 --> 00:20:20,950
Of course I do.
You're an imbecile and a flasher.
416
00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:23,070
Which means you're also
a sexual deviant.
417
00:20:23,120 --> 00:20:24,750
That's libel, what you just said!
418
00:20:24,800 --> 00:20:26,630
It's only libel
if it's written down.
419
00:20:26,680 --> 00:20:28,110
Then it's slander.
420
00:20:28,160 --> 00:20:29,710
It's only slander if it isn't true.
421
00:20:29,760 --> 00:20:31,200
Oh, yeah.
422
00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:35,030
You know, maybe it's a blessing
if this wedding doesn't go ahead.
423
00:20:35,080 --> 00:20:36,510
Maybe fate has intervened.
424
00:20:36,560 --> 00:20:39,390
Maybe fate has decided
it doesn't want my son
425
00:20:39,440 --> 00:20:41,720
marrying into a family of thieves.
426
00:20:44,760 --> 00:20:46,120
Stand up and say that.
427
00:20:50,760 --> 00:20:53,190
Family of thieves.
428
00:20:53,240 --> 00:20:55,030
I suggest you take that back.
429
00:20:55,080 --> 00:20:57,350
I may appear to be a gentleman,
but push me
430
00:20:57,400 --> 00:21:00,030
and you'll see another side
to this civil character.
431
00:21:00,080 --> 00:21:02,270
- Oh, yeah, you reckon?
- Would you two pack it in?
432
00:21:02,320 --> 00:21:04,990
It's like watching Pro-Celebrity
Boxing with Gyles Brandreth
433
00:21:05,040 --> 00:21:06,150
and Jeanette Krankie.
434
00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:07,310
KEYS RATTLE
435
00:21:07,360 --> 00:21:08,430
DOOR OPENS
436
00:21:08,480 --> 00:21:10,230
You've got to let us out of here.
437
00:21:10,280 --> 00:21:12,590
There's been a terrible mistake.
My father-in-law...
438
00:21:12,640 --> 00:21:14,150
I'm not your father-in-law yet.
439
00:21:14,200 --> 00:21:16,630
That's right.
Not so much 'in-law' as 'outlaw'.
440
00:21:16,680 --> 00:21:19,230
- Very good.
- Yes, but not as good as your Gollum one.
441
00:21:19,280 --> 00:21:21,590
- Oh, it was good, wasn't it?
- Yeah, that was good.
442
00:21:21,640 --> 00:21:23,960
I'm sorry.
Can we crack on, Dick and Dom?
443
00:21:26,120 --> 00:21:27,870
We have to get out of here.
444
00:21:27,920 --> 00:21:31,270
As I've told you, not until
everything's sorted out.
445
00:21:31,320 --> 00:21:33,190
I've already said,
I didn't steal anything.
446
00:21:33,240 --> 00:21:35,750
I've had that ring for years
and my mother had it before that.
447
00:21:35,800 --> 00:21:38,350
Well, I never said it was stolen
recently, sir.
448
00:21:38,400 --> 00:21:40,070
And when was it stolen?
449
00:21:40,120 --> 00:21:43,440
February the 13th, 1927.
450
00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:47,270
1927!
451
00:21:47,320 --> 00:21:48,950
Oh, I see what's going on.
452
00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:52,430
You're trying to fit us up with
all your old unsolved crimes,
453
00:21:52,480 --> 00:21:56,950
like the time the off-license in
Bolton Road was broken into in 1974
454
00:21:57,000 --> 00:21:59,670
and all they took was a bottle
of Harvey's Bristol Cream
455
00:21:59,720 --> 00:22:01,040
and 20 Silk Cut.
456
00:22:02,400 --> 00:22:03,640
Apparently.
457
00:22:06,360 --> 00:22:07,960
I'm getting married this afternoon!
458
00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:12,470
You've got to face facts, son.
459
00:22:12,520 --> 00:22:14,640
You'll not be getting married today.
460
00:22:15,880 --> 00:22:17,150
Hang on.
461
00:22:17,200 --> 00:22:19,550
He just said that ring
was reported missing
462
00:22:19,600 --> 00:22:21,190
February the 13th, 1927.
463
00:22:21,240 --> 00:22:24,510
The day before Valentine's Day. The
day before your parents' wedding.
464
00:22:24,560 --> 00:22:25,710
So?
465
00:22:25,760 --> 00:22:28,110
So... where did your dad
get that ring?
466
00:22:28,160 --> 00:22:31,550
He was an honest and decent man.
He saved up for it.
467
00:22:31,600 --> 00:22:34,150
You said he got married
when he was 19.
468
00:22:34,200 --> 00:22:36,390
That was one hell of a paper round.
469
00:22:36,440 --> 00:22:39,190
Come on, Geoffrey,
it's time for a bit of honesty here.
470
00:22:39,240 --> 00:22:41,990
If there's something you're not
telling us about your father,
471
00:22:42,040 --> 00:22:43,320
you have to tell the police.
472
00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:48,030
If I don't get out of here, I won't
be able to marry your daughter.
473
00:22:48,080 --> 00:22:49,760
Why did I say that?
474
00:22:53,200 --> 00:22:58,600
Just before he died, I went to see
my father on his deathbed.
475
00:23:00,040 --> 00:23:04,910
He was very frail and I knew
he didn't have very long left.
476
00:23:04,960 --> 00:23:06,360
Maybe just hours.
477
00:23:07,960 --> 00:23:11,750
He started telling me things.
Things I'd never heard before.
478
00:23:11,800 --> 00:23:15,360
Things I'm not sure
I even wanted to hear.
479
00:23:16,720 --> 00:23:18,350
I didn't know how much to believe.
480
00:23:18,400 --> 00:23:23,830
He was... he was confused
and rambling.
481
00:23:23,880 --> 00:23:27,880
You know how old people can ramble
on and on.
482
00:23:29,480 --> 00:23:32,150
I do, yes. Can we hurry this up
a bit, please?
483
00:23:32,200 --> 00:23:34,870
He claimed he'd been a bit of
a lad when he was a teenager.
484
00:23:34,920 --> 00:23:36,680
What do you mean 'a lad'?
485
00:23:37,880 --> 00:23:40,710
Theft, burglary.
486
00:23:40,760 --> 00:23:43,350
He said he'd even done time
in prison.
487
00:23:43,400 --> 00:23:48,760
I always assumed it was the deranged
ramblings of a dying man, but...
488
00:23:49,880 --> 00:23:51,190
...obviously not.
489
00:23:51,240 --> 00:23:53,230
Well, then, you've got to tell that
policeman.
490
00:23:53,280 --> 00:23:55,350
He'll check your dad's record
and he'll let us go.
491
00:23:55,400 --> 00:23:57,350
No! I won't bring shame on
the family.
492
00:23:57,400 --> 00:24:00,710
Geoffrey, Lucy has been looking
forward to this day for so long.
493
00:24:00,760 --> 00:24:04,310
You leading her down the aisle.
Seeing all her friends...
494
00:24:04,360 --> 00:24:05,670
Consummating the marriage.
495
00:24:05,720 --> 00:24:07,120
I'll deal with this, Dad.
496
00:24:08,400 --> 00:24:10,680
Please, Geoffrey.
You have to do this.
497
00:24:18,400 --> 00:24:19,950
Officer!
498
00:24:20,000 --> 00:24:21,430
Thanks, Geoffrey.
499
00:24:21,480 --> 00:24:24,520
I'm doing this for Lucy, not you.
500
00:24:36,760 --> 00:24:40,190
Ah! Stop spraying water on me!
How am I supposed to dry it?
501
00:24:40,240 --> 00:24:43,190
Easy. Just give yourself
a good shake.
502
00:24:43,240 --> 00:24:46,160
That's what all my clients used
to do at Cuts For Mutts.
503
00:24:48,480 --> 00:24:52,270
You have to expect a few last-minute
glitches on a big day like this.
504
00:24:52,320 --> 00:24:53,550
'Glitches'?
505
00:24:53,600 --> 00:24:57,110
I've got no-one to give me away,
my fiance's gone AWOL
506
00:24:57,160 --> 00:24:58,590
and I look like a Border collie
507
00:24:58,640 --> 00:25:01,470
who's had his hair dried
in a microwave!
508
00:25:01,520 --> 00:25:06,070
- Don't be silly.
- Yeah. It's much more glamorous than that.
509
00:25:06,120 --> 00:25:09,080
Like a Yorkshire terrier
or a labradoodle.
510
00:25:11,080 --> 00:25:14,240
SHE SCREAMS
511
00:25:16,560 --> 00:25:20,110
This is great. I've never been
in a police van before.
512
00:25:20,160 --> 00:25:23,630
Well, not in the front, anyway.
513
00:25:23,680 --> 00:25:25,590
Thanks so much for stopping
at the flat
514
00:25:25,640 --> 00:25:27,310
so we could pick up the suits,
officer.
515
00:25:27,360 --> 00:25:28,670
It's very good of you
516
00:25:28,720 --> 00:25:31,830
but Tim's trousers are way too big
for me, Lee.
517
00:25:31,880 --> 00:25:35,830
Am I supposed to be looking over
the waistband or through the fly?
518
00:25:35,880 --> 00:25:39,310
And it's very good of you to take us
to the church and to let us
519
00:25:39,360 --> 00:25:41,310
borrow stolen goods for an hour.
520
00:25:41,360 --> 00:25:43,950
Yeah, we take back all we said about
police incompetence
521
00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:45,270
and bent coppering.
522
00:25:45,320 --> 00:25:48,070
I didn't know you had said
those things, sir.
523
00:25:48,120 --> 00:25:51,070
Well, that's because we didn't.
524
00:25:51,120 --> 00:25:54,520
"I can smell bacon."
That's another thing we didn't say.
525
00:25:56,720 --> 00:26:00,470
Cheer up, Geoffrey, we still might
make it to the church on time.
526
00:26:00,520 --> 00:26:04,150
And what do I tell Wendy when we
arrive at the church in a police van?
527
00:26:04,200 --> 00:26:07,680
Just tell her to, "Mind your own
bloody business, you slag."
528
00:26:08,680 --> 00:26:12,190
Sorry, I've been watching
too much of The Sweeney.
529
00:26:12,240 --> 00:26:14,910
Just say your car broke down
and you had to flag a lift.
530
00:26:14,960 --> 00:26:18,830
You mean lie.
Sink to my father's level.
531
00:26:18,880 --> 00:26:23,150
However low your opinion
of your father has gone, trust me,
532
00:26:23,200 --> 00:26:25,840
there's still way,
way further down to go.
533
00:26:27,240 --> 00:26:28,710
I know a short cut. Turn left.
534
00:26:28,760 --> 00:26:31,070
It's a one-way street, sir.
It's no entry.
535
00:26:31,120 --> 00:26:33,590
- So?
- So it's against the law, sir.
536
00:26:33,640 --> 00:26:35,150
We are the law!
537
00:26:35,200 --> 00:26:37,760
BRAKES SQUEAL
538
00:26:39,240 --> 00:26:42,910
Sir, if you grab the wheel again,
I shall be forced to Taser you.
539
00:26:42,960 --> 00:26:45,390
If it means getting my son to that
church on time,
540
00:26:45,440 --> 00:26:48,790
you can chuck as much fizzy drink
as you like at me.
541
00:26:48,840 --> 00:26:52,550
Look, Geoffrey, I thought
you said your dad was a decent man.
542
00:26:52,600 --> 00:26:56,070
I always thought he was,
but I was obviously wrong.
543
00:26:56,120 --> 00:26:57,390
No, you weren't.
544
00:26:57,440 --> 00:26:59,310
Just because your dad
had a shady past,
545
00:26:59,360 --> 00:27:01,150
doesn't mean he didn't want
to change.
546
00:27:01,200 --> 00:27:04,280
Maybe meeting your mum made him
want to be a better man.
547
00:27:05,560 --> 00:27:07,230
In fact, you're lucky you
had a father
548
00:27:07,280 --> 00:27:08,830
that did learn from his mistakes,
549
00:27:08,880 --> 00:27:12,470
because then he made sure
you didn't make the same ones.
550
00:27:12,520 --> 00:27:15,790
I wish I'd been as lucky.
My dad's never changed.
551
00:27:15,840 --> 00:27:18,710
He'll never steer himself
on to a different path.
552
00:27:18,760 --> 00:27:20,030
Turn right!
553
00:27:20,080 --> 00:27:21,910
BRAKES SQUEAL
554
00:27:21,960 --> 00:27:22,950
TASER GUN FIRES
555
00:27:23,000 --> 00:27:24,920
- Ow!
- I warned you.
556
00:27:26,400 --> 00:27:27,750
I can see the wedding car.
557
00:27:27,800 --> 00:27:29,910
Come on, get your foot down,
Juliet Bravo.
558
00:27:29,960 --> 00:27:31,400
ENGINE ROARS
559
00:27:32,680 --> 00:27:35,510
Lee, Frank, stay out of sight.
560
00:27:35,560 --> 00:27:36,590
Why?
561
00:27:36,640 --> 00:27:38,830
Because I don't want Lucy
thinking she's marrying
562
00:27:38,880 --> 00:27:41,390
the kind of lowlife who gets
arrested on his wedding day.
563
00:27:41,440 --> 00:27:44,510
- But you've always said I am a lowlife.
- Yes, I have.
564
00:27:44,560 --> 00:27:48,190
But you haven't married Lucy yet
and, like you say,
565
00:27:48,240 --> 00:27:49,520
people can change.
566
00:27:57,040 --> 00:27:58,870
Thanks, Geoffrey.
567
00:27:58,920 --> 00:28:01,190
Or should I say... Dad?
568
00:28:01,240 --> 00:28:03,000
Don't push it.
569
00:28:04,200 --> 00:28:07,790
Yes, thank you, Geoffrey.
You've got a very generous heart.
570
00:28:07,840 --> 00:28:11,310
You know what I just said about...
Well, about people changing?
571
00:28:11,360 --> 00:28:12,350
Yes.
572
00:28:12,400 --> 00:28:15,280
I didn't mean you, Frank,
you'll always be an arse.
573
00:28:20,440 --> 00:28:21,790
Oh!
574
00:28:21,840 --> 00:28:23,520
WHEELS SPIN
575
00:28:24,800 --> 00:28:27,750
Chop, chop, then. Let's not keep
everyone at the church waiting.
576
00:28:27,800 --> 00:28:29,430
Dad! Where have you been?
577
00:28:29,480 --> 00:28:32,350
Yes, sorry about that,
but Lee wasn't answering his phone
578
00:28:32,400 --> 00:28:34,230
so I thought I'd go over to the flat
579
00:28:34,280 --> 00:28:37,310
and check that the silly bugger
hadn't done anything stupid.
580
00:28:37,360 --> 00:28:41,110
Yeah, like got drunk and
got arrested or something!
581
00:28:41,160 --> 00:28:42,880
Imagine!
582
00:28:46,040 --> 00:28:47,080
And?
583
00:28:48,160 --> 00:28:50,510
He was absolutely fine.
584
00:28:50,560 --> 00:28:53,070
In fact, he looked very smart
indeed.
585
00:28:53,120 --> 00:28:56,590
So why did you just step
out of a police van?
586
00:28:56,640 --> 00:28:58,720
Well, it'd be dangerous to jump out.
587
00:29:00,480 --> 00:29:02,150
My car broke down,
so I flagged a lift
588
00:29:02,200 --> 00:29:04,670
from a very kind policeman and...
589
00:29:04,720 --> 00:29:07,920
Well, I didn't want to miss the
chance of giving you away, did I?
590
00:29:09,080 --> 00:29:10,670
Then let's go.
591
00:29:10,720 --> 00:29:13,110
I just need to ask you
something first, Lucy.
592
00:29:13,160 --> 00:29:14,590
What?
593
00:29:14,640 --> 00:29:17,150
It's a personal question,
I hope you don't mind.
594
00:29:17,200 --> 00:29:19,470
Oh, anything, Dad. Just go ahead.
595
00:29:19,520 --> 00:29:22,000
What the bloody hell have you
done to your hair?
596
00:29:23,200 --> 00:29:26,840
See, I told you it would get
you noticed!
597
00:29:28,880 --> 00:29:31,150
BRAKES SQUEAL
598
00:29:31,200 --> 00:29:33,190
CHURCH BELLS CHIME
599
00:29:33,240 --> 00:29:35,600
SIREN WAILS
600
00:29:37,000 --> 00:29:40,120
MUSIC: The Power Of Love
by Frankie Goes To Hollywood
601
00:29:54,080 --> 00:29:57,200
? I...
602
00:29:58,600 --> 00:30:02,070
? Feels like fire
603
00:30:02,120 --> 00:30:05,240
? I'm so in love with you
604
00:30:08,000 --> 00:30:09,310
BRAKES SQUEAL
605
00:30:09,360 --> 00:30:11,510
? Dreams are like angels
606
00:30:11,560 --> 00:30:15,550
? They keep bad at bay, bad at bay
607
00:30:15,600 --> 00:30:18,350
? Love is the light
608
00:30:18,400 --> 00:30:25,550
? Scaring darkness away, yeah
609
00:30:25,600 --> 00:30:28,750
? I'm so in love with you
610
00:30:28,800 --> 00:30:30,480
? Purge the soul
611
00:30:33,240 --> 00:30:39,200
? Make love your goal
612
00:30:40,720 --> 00:30:44,670
? The power of love
613
00:30:44,720 --> 00:30:49,190
? A force from above
614
00:30:49,240 --> 00:30:54,160
? Cleaning my soul... ?
615
00:30:56,240 --> 00:30:58,390
Who giveth this woman to this man?
616
00:30:58,440 --> 00:31:00,190
I do.
617
00:31:00,240 --> 00:31:02,750
? Love with tongues of fire... ?
618
00:31:02,800 --> 00:31:05,550
In the presence of God, Father,
Son and Holy Spirit,
619
00:31:05,600 --> 00:31:08,990
we have come together to witness
the marriage of Lucy and Lee,
620
00:31:09,040 --> 00:31:11,630
to share their joy
and to celebrate their love.
621
00:31:11,680 --> 00:31:13,880
Marriage is a gift of God...
622
00:31:15,000 --> 00:31:17,270
...in heart, body and mind,
623
00:31:17,320 --> 00:31:20,790
and if any person present
knows of any lawful impediment
624
00:31:20,840 --> 00:31:23,870
to this marriage,
he or she should declare it now.
625
00:31:23,920 --> 00:31:25,320
Stop the wedding!
626
00:31:27,160 --> 00:31:28,470
Tim!
627
00:31:28,520 --> 00:31:30,950
It should be me
standing there next to Lee.
628
00:31:31,000 --> 00:31:32,750
No, that's not right.
629
00:31:32,800 --> 00:31:35,520
No, it's OK. It's legal nowadays.
630
00:31:37,640 --> 00:31:40,750
I mean, I'm supposed to be best man!
631
00:31:40,800 --> 00:31:43,270
? I'll be around
632
00:31:43,320 --> 00:31:45,350
? With my undying
633
00:31:45,400 --> 00:31:48,870
? Death-defying love for you
634
00:31:48,920 --> 00:31:52,630
? Envy will hurt itself
635
00:31:52,680 --> 00:31:57,190
? Let yourself be beautiful
636
00:31:57,240 --> 00:32:00,630
? Sparkling love,
flowers and pearls... ?
637
00:32:00,680 --> 00:32:02,510
You made it!
638
00:32:02,560 --> 00:32:04,950
No-one could keep me away
from my best mate's wedding.
639
00:32:05,000 --> 00:32:07,830
- You look great.
- You don't look so bad yourself.
640
00:32:07,880 --> 00:32:09,390
LUCY CLEARS HER THROAT
641
00:32:09,440 --> 00:32:11,230
I am still here, you know.
642
00:32:11,280 --> 00:32:15,430
Oh, yeah, sorry. Carry on.
643
00:32:15,480 --> 00:32:16,470
As I was saying,
644
00:32:16,520 --> 00:32:18,830
if any person present knows
any lawful impediment...
645
00:32:18,880 --> 00:32:20,110
FRANK: Yes.
646
00:32:20,160 --> 00:32:24,560
Now, I object.
Jilted at the altar by my own son.
647
00:32:26,600 --> 00:32:29,390
You can both be best man.
648
00:32:29,440 --> 00:32:32,230
I mean, after all, you could
both fit in that suit.
649
00:32:32,280 --> 00:32:34,430
How the heck are you keeping
up my trousers on you?
650
00:32:34,480 --> 00:32:37,200
Don't worry, son,
I always come well prepared.
651
00:32:39,400 --> 00:32:41,080
Oh, give it a rest.
652
00:32:42,600 --> 00:32:46,520
By the way, I'm still having first
chance of banging the bridesmaid.
653
00:32:48,320 --> 00:32:51,550
Lee, will you take Lucy
to be your wife?
654
00:32:51,600 --> 00:32:53,070
Will you love her, comfort her...?
655
00:32:53,120 --> 00:32:54,470
I will.
656
00:32:54,520 --> 00:32:56,270
Lucy, will you take Lee
to be your husband?
657
00:32:56,320 --> 00:32:58,150
Will you love him,
comfort him, honour...?
658
00:32:58,200 --> 00:32:59,510
I will.
659
00:32:59,560 --> 00:33:02,070
To have and to hold,
from this day forward...
660
00:33:02,120 --> 00:33:03,430
For better, for worse...
661
00:33:03,480 --> 00:33:06,030
For richer, for poorer,
in sickness and in health...
662
00:33:06,080 --> 00:33:07,350
To love and to cherish.
663
00:33:07,400 --> 00:33:09,670
Till death us do part,
according to God's holy law.
664
00:33:09,720 --> 00:33:13,120
Lucy, I give you this ring
as a sign of our marriage.
665
00:33:19,720 --> 00:33:22,990
I therefore proclaim that
they are husband and wife.
666
00:33:23,040 --> 00:33:24,880
You may now kiss the bride.
667
00:33:30,000 --> 00:33:34,190
? The power of love
668
00:33:34,240 --> 00:33:38,670
? A force from above
669
00:33:38,720 --> 00:33:42,000
? Cleaning my soul... ?
670
00:33:45,840 --> 00:33:47,230
Little bugger.
671
00:33:47,280 --> 00:33:50,150
I almost had it that time
and it jumped up and ran away again.
672
00:33:50,200 --> 00:33:52,190
Hi, I'm Lucy.
673
00:33:52,240 --> 00:33:54,470
A friend of a friend tells me
you're renting a room?
674
00:33:54,520 --> 00:33:58,910
Do you ever check yourself...
downstairs?
675
00:33:58,960 --> 00:34:00,230
Yeah.
676
00:34:00,280 --> 00:34:04,120
- Properly?
- Well, until the woman downstairs tells me to get out.
677
00:34:05,760 --> 00:34:07,510
This isn't a laughing matter, Lee.
678
00:34:07,560 --> 00:34:09,990
Promise me you'll start checking
yourself.
679
00:34:10,040 --> 00:34:11,790
I'd hate for anything
to happen to you.
680
00:34:11,840 --> 00:34:13,950
Look, why don't we leave
the car here?
681
00:34:14,000 --> 00:34:15,590
We can walk back together.
682
00:34:15,640 --> 00:34:17,870
I'm fine, thanks, Lucy.
I'm a big boy now.
683
00:34:17,920 --> 00:34:20,430
I don't need someone holding my hand
when I cross the road.
684
00:34:20,480 --> 00:34:21,920
BRAKES SQUEAL
685
00:34:27,040 --> 00:34:28,560
Ow.
686
00:34:30,600 --> 00:34:32,440
I'm a murderer.
687
00:34:33,760 --> 00:34:36,270
Nice to meet you.
688
00:34:36,320 --> 00:34:37,880
I'm a victim. Come in.
689
00:34:47,880 --> 00:34:49,240
You're back early.
690
00:34:53,040 --> 00:34:54,360
HE BLOWS
691
00:34:55,640 --> 00:34:59,430
I know you're used to inflating
the women in your life,
692
00:34:59,480 --> 00:35:01,280
but please don't do it to me.
693
00:35:03,440 --> 00:35:05,350
Do you think he's gone?
694
00:35:05,400 --> 00:35:07,830
I hope so.
695
00:35:07,880 --> 00:35:11,950
But if he hasn't, don't worry,
I'll look after you.
696
00:35:12,000 --> 00:35:13,670
SHE SCREAMS
697
00:35:13,720 --> 00:35:17,870
Please welcome onto the stage
the amazing, the incredible,
698
00:35:17,920 --> 00:35:21,790
the unbelievable Wiggly Bob!
699
00:35:21,840 --> 00:35:24,800
ALL: Yeah!
700
00:35:30,160 --> 00:35:31,470
I mean it,
701
00:35:31,520 --> 00:35:35,510
if you need a hug, you know,
to make yourself feel more safe.
702
00:35:35,560 --> 00:35:38,440
Thanks, Lee. I might just do that.
703
00:35:39,440 --> 00:35:42,190
It's scary knowing the only thing
separating you from death
704
00:35:42,240 --> 00:35:43,680
is one single plank.
705
00:35:44,840 --> 00:35:46,510
There's a good few
inches of wood there.
706
00:35:46,560 --> 00:35:49,230
I wasn't talking about the boat.
707
00:35:49,280 --> 00:35:51,150
Neither was I.
708
00:35:51,200 --> 00:35:56,070
? The power of love
709
00:35:56,120 --> 00:35:59,990
? A force from above
710
00:36:00,040 --> 00:36:05,360
? A sky-scraping dove... ?
711
00:36:08,120 --> 00:36:11,630
When are the other seven
getting here?
712
00:36:11,680 --> 00:36:13,070
Happy?
713
00:36:13,120 --> 00:36:16,000
Yeah, and Grumpy and Doc and Sleepy.
714
00:36:17,560 --> 00:36:20,070
Which one are you? Bashful?
715
00:36:20,120 --> 00:36:21,630
No.
716
00:36:21,680 --> 00:36:23,280
Then prove it.
717
00:36:25,680 --> 00:36:27,560
- Evening!
- LUCY SCREAMS
718
00:36:47,920 --> 00:36:50,120
Is this the world's slowest
burglary?
719
00:36:57,600 --> 00:36:59,320
Am I a naughty boy?
720
00:37:05,680 --> 00:37:06,960
Sorry?
721
00:37:08,440 --> 00:37:10,870
Am I a naughty boy?
722
00:37:10,920 --> 00:37:12,200
Is that what I am?
723
00:37:13,440 --> 00:37:15,600
A naughty, naughty boy?
724
00:37:17,720 --> 00:37:19,960
Who needs a spanky bum.
725
00:37:22,360 --> 00:37:24,310
Is that what I need?
726
00:37:24,360 --> 00:37:26,200
A naughty, naughty...
727
00:37:28,160 --> 00:37:29,960
...spanky bum-bum.
728
00:37:32,200 --> 00:37:34,190
God, no.
729
00:37:34,240 --> 00:37:37,150
You, you don't need any...
730
00:37:37,200 --> 00:37:38,520
bum-bum.
731
00:37:44,720 --> 00:37:47,630
Sorry about all the noise
last night.
732
00:37:47,680 --> 00:37:49,270
It's all right.
733
00:37:49,320 --> 00:37:53,630
What's the point of having bed springs
if you're just going to lie there?
734
00:37:53,680 --> 00:37:56,070
No, I meant us getting back late.
735
00:37:56,120 --> 00:37:57,750
Oh.
736
00:37:57,800 --> 00:38:00,150
Actually, sorry about the bedroom
noise as well.
737
00:38:00,200 --> 00:38:02,710
Lucy and I do like
to vocalise a little.
738
00:38:02,760 --> 00:38:04,390
You know the type of thing.
739
00:38:04,440 --> 00:38:05,910
I hope I didn't wake you.
740
00:38:05,960 --> 00:38:07,960
Oh, yeah, what does she say to you?
741
00:38:11,880 --> 00:38:14,430
Oh, I didn't know you were up.
742
00:38:14,480 --> 00:38:16,600
That's cleared up the last question.
743
00:38:25,080 --> 00:38:27,880
Good luck! Break your neck!
744
00:38:30,080 --> 00:38:31,710
You were saying?
745
00:38:31,760 --> 00:38:34,590
The truth is,
I don't really live in a block
746
00:38:34,640 --> 00:38:37,950
and I didn't really need
any sugar the other day.
747
00:38:38,000 --> 00:38:40,830
I've actually spent the last
couple of weeks tracking you down,
748
00:38:40,880 --> 00:38:42,710
finding out where you lived.
749
00:38:42,760 --> 00:38:45,990
Why? Who are you? What's going on?
750
00:38:46,040 --> 00:38:48,120
I think you might be my father.
751
00:38:50,520 --> 00:38:53,830
TIM SINGS: ? Surprise, surprise
752
00:38:53,880 --> 00:38:59,120
? The unexpected hits you
between the eyes... ?
753
00:39:04,440 --> 00:39:09,120
You wouldn't be trying to buy a real
rabbit by any chance, would you?
754
00:39:11,080 --> 00:39:12,110
No.
755
00:39:12,160 --> 00:39:14,110
Yes, you are.
756
00:39:14,160 --> 00:39:15,750
I've changed my mind.
757
00:39:15,800 --> 00:39:17,630
You were desperate for it
a minute ago.
758
00:39:17,680 --> 00:39:21,080
I bet you were, you sick bastard.
What's in the pillowcase?
759
00:39:22,080 --> 00:39:23,590
- Nothing.
- Show me.
760
00:39:23,640 --> 00:39:26,470
No. It's just my packed lunch.
761
00:39:26,520 --> 00:39:28,320
He's got a dead rabbit in there.
762
00:39:29,800 --> 00:39:32,910
Your packed lunch?
This is worse than I thought.
763
00:39:32,960 --> 00:39:34,110
Open it.
764
00:39:34,160 --> 00:39:35,230
No!
765
00:39:35,280 --> 00:39:36,310
Open it!
766
00:39:36,360 --> 00:39:38,920
PARROT: Rabbit murderer!
Rabbit murderer!
767
00:39:55,000 --> 00:39:56,950
And if I was in the band,
I'd make them
768
00:39:57,000 --> 00:39:59,590
start playing the songs
you really love.
769
00:39:59,640 --> 00:40:02,160
Put that down now,
it belongs to Stretch.
770
00:40:04,480 --> 00:40:09,670
HE SINGS: ? Looking back, I could
have played it differently... ?
771
00:40:09,720 --> 00:40:11,670
I don't like this stuff
any more, actually.
772
00:40:11,720 --> 00:40:15,230
? Perfect situations
can go wrong... ?
773
00:40:15,280 --> 00:40:18,430
I'm in a rock band now.
My Elaine Paige days are over.
774
00:40:18,480 --> 00:40:22,310
? But it has never yet
prevented me... ?
775
00:40:22,360 --> 00:40:24,390
You think you can win me
over like a schoolgirl.
776
00:40:24,440 --> 00:40:27,790
? Wanting far too
much for far too long... ?
777
00:40:27,840 --> 00:40:29,070
Pathetic.
778
00:40:29,120 --> 00:40:30,790
? Wasn't it good?
779
00:40:30,840 --> 00:40:32,470
? Oh, so good!
780
00:40:32,520 --> 00:40:33,830
? Wasn't it fine?
781
00:40:33,880 --> 00:40:36,030
? Oh, so fine!
782
00:40:36,080 --> 00:40:42,230
BOTH: ? Isn't it madness?
He can't be mine
783
00:40:42,280 --> 00:40:49,270
? But in the end I need a little bit
more than before
784
00:40:49,320 --> 00:40:53,990
- ? Security...
- ? He needs his fantasy and freedom
785
00:40:54,040 --> 00:40:57,080
BOTH: ? I know him so...
786
00:41:00,480 --> 00:41:01,630
MOTORHEAD RIFF PLAYS
787
00:41:01,680 --> 00:41:04,630
? The Ace of Spades
The Ace of Spades
788
00:41:04,680 --> 00:41:08,000
? The Ace of Spades
The Ace of Spades. ?
789
00:41:12,480 --> 00:41:14,560
CHURCH BELLS CHIME
790
00:41:24,520 --> 00:41:27,710
? I'm so in love with you
791
00:41:27,760 --> 00:41:30,080
? Purge the soul
792
00:41:32,960 --> 00:41:40,960
? Make love your goal
793
00:41:46,040 --> 00:41:49,470
? The power of love
794
00:41:49,520 --> 00:41:53,510
? A force from above
795
00:41:53,560 --> 00:41:58,200
? Cleaning my soul
796
00:42:01,560 --> 00:42:05,190
? The power of love
797
00:42:05,240 --> 00:42:09,470
? A force from above
798
00:42:09,520 --> 00:42:15,920
? A sky-scraping dove... ?
799
00:42:17,680 --> 00:42:20,150
? We're not going out
800
00:42:20,200 --> 00:42:22,110
? Not staying in
801
00:42:22,160 --> 00:42:24,830
? Just hanging around
with my head in a spin
802
00:42:24,880 --> 00:42:27,910
? But there is no need
to scream and shout
803
00:42:27,960 --> 00:42:30,990
? We're not going out
804
00:42:31,040 --> 00:42:34,080
? We are not going out. ?
805
00:42:34,130 --> 00:42:38,680
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