All language subtitles for Not Going Out s06e08 Boat.eng

Police! Open up! This is a raid!

Not really, just your old dad.

You know that's a crime, don't you?
Impersonating a police officer?

No, impersonating a father.

I know you love me deep down.

Well, let's wait till
you are deep down and we'll see.

What do you want, Dad?

I actually came round to
give you something.

But if you don't want to know,
just say the word

and I'll... I'll walk away.

Great, what's the word?

Just give me 30 seconds
of your time, that's all I ask.

30 seconds.

Are you really setting the clock on
me? Yeah, only because we haven't got a dog.

26 seconds.

Well, a couple of months ago I had
a lucky run on the gee gees and

I won a substantial amount of money
and I wondered what to spend it on.

And then I realised, over the years,
how much I'd taken from you -

it's time to give something back.

Carry on. You've got 17 seconds.

But then I thought...

Four seconds.

What if I could spend that money in
a way that

brought us closer together?

So I spent the money...

on a boat.

Is that yours?
Certainly is.

Are you sure you haven't
been on Bullseye and not told me?

You're not interested in boats.

Didn't used to be.
Now I'm a sailing-nut. A sea-bonce.

A boat-head.

A ship-for-brains.

I live on her now, full time.

And I've spent weeks making her all
nice,

so that you can come and visit.

Me and you?
In the middle of the sea?

Who said anything about going to
sea? She's permanently moored up.

The engine doesn't work.

So, you're not a sailor, you're a...

floater.

If you like.

But you still get
the romance of the ocean.

I thought Lucy would like it.

She's a four-berth vessel.

I wouldn't let Lucy hear you
talk about her like that.

I thought me, you, Lucy, and that
dippy lass you hang round with

could spend a night
or two on it.

Look, it's a very kind offer, Dad,
but I don't think so, do you?

Oh, that's a shame.

There's only two rooms -

a set of bunk beds and a double.

I thought between us we could wangle
it so you and Lucy share the double.

Sleep on a boat?

Yeah, it'll be a big adventure.

Yeah, come on, Lucy,
it sounds amazing.

I've never even been on a proper
boat before.

Assuming you don't count two
years in the Royal Navy,

serving on a Type 23 frigate
out of Portsmouth.

Why wouldn't you count that?

Because I didn't do it.

So, what do you reckon?
I can't.

Why?

Thing is, I'm...

I'm a bit scared of water.

Don't worry, so are lots of people.

I'm not talking about washing, Lee.

I've never told you this
before,

because I'm not exactly proud of it,
but...

I can't swim, all right?

How did you finish school
without learning how to swim?

You got through without learning
how to read or write.

Can you swim, Lee?

Of course, I can.
I was an amazing swimmer at school.

Teacher used to say that
I was half boy, half fish.

Are you sure she wasn't
referring to the smell?

Anyway, now you know.

Look, it's not like we're
actually going to be at sea.

We're going to be moored up all
weekend.

And you can
overcome your fear of water.

You can go on land whenever you
want - there's no danger.

I thought you said it was
a big adventure.

Yeah, a big safe, uneventful,
tedious adventure.

It'll be like that film,
Herbie Goes For a Service.

Right, you two go
and find Frank's boat.

I'll stay here and start unpacking
the bags from the back of the car.

Or to put it in nautical terms - arr!

I'll go
and unpack all the stuff

from the back of the car.

Ah, I love the sea.
So romantic, isn't it?

Get a lungful of that.

Oh, you haven't, have you?

I can't see me dad's boat.

Well, let's ask that old fella
on that crappy little tug boat

if he knows your dad.

Oh, God...

Excuse me.

Ahoy there!

What do you think of her?

I'm not getting on that -
it's a wreck!

She is quite old, I'll admit.

"Quite old"?
Who did you buy it off - Noah?

Excuse me a moment.

What's going on?
You said that one was yours.

I meant the hat.

She's a pretty good vessel for
400 quid, son.

400?
You said you'd had a big win.

400 quid is big to me.

Ronnie Corbett's big to you.

Ah, I'm sorry I'm not wealthy
enough for you, son.

Perhaps, you're embarrassed to
be seen with me.

Dad, you step off the HMS Shithole
dressed as Steamboat Willie

and smelling like a dead mackerel.

Of course, I'm embarrassed to
be seen with you.

Well, at least you could come
and have a look inside.

Unless of course you'd
rather go home

and forget about the whole
arrangement.

I never said that.

I thought it was going to be
a bit more impressive, that's all.

It's like I've always said -

"Why buy a big boat to
impress a woman,

"when you can go for a little
tug instead?"

Come on! Everybody on board.

Come on, she's as safe as houses.

Well, this is snug, isn't it?

Just like being in a lovely big
cosy underwater coffin.

Cosy?! It's freezing on here.

Sorry, Lucy love, engine's not
working, so there's no heating.

The best way to keep warm is to
snuggle up with a shipmate.

Or have a drop of to this
to warm you up.

Mmm. All good sailors have it
to hand.

Yeah, hence the expression,
"Yo ho-ho and a bottle of White Lightning".

"All good sailors."

You can mock, son, I know a thing or
two about life on the ocean waves.

Like what?

I can tie knots.

Oh good. At least when we all drown,

no-one's shoes are going to
fall off.

Oh, can you teach me
some knots, Frank?

I only know the one where the
squirrel goes up the tree,

round the branch
and through the hole.

What's that one for?

Strangling squirrels, I think.

I'll show you how to do a
clove hitch knot.

The squirrel goes round the tree...

This is all very interesting,
but can I just interrupt?

Where's the toilet?

There isn't one.

What?

What happens when we need to go for
a... You know.

Well, where do you think you go?
Have a look round.

You're surrounded by the world's
biggest toilet.

That's no way to
speak about Eastbourne.

You've got to be kidding me.

I'm on a budget here.
I didn't want to go overboard.

None of us want to go overboard,
that's the problem.

If you're too embarrassed,

there's a Little Chef just over
the dual carriageway.

They'll let you use their bogs
if you buy a Twix on the way out.

I wondered how they'd earned that
third Michelin star.

What was that? Will you
stop worrying, love?

I know this boat upside down.

Like The Poseidon Adventure.

Actually, I think I'm just going to
bed. What are the arrangements?

Oh, yes, I hadn't thought of that.

Well, erm, there's bunk beds
through there

and this sofa
converts into a double.

Lee, you can't sleep in the
bunk beds.

Why not?

He's too tall.
He won't be when he's lying down.

Looks like you'll have to
sleep in here, son.

Right, so it's girls in the bunks
and you two in here?

No, no, no, no, no,
I couldn't share a bed with Lee.

I have very violent dreams.

I might lash out when I'm asleep.

Lee's mum used to have to sleep
wearing a mouth guard and a boxing helmet.

In fact, Lee had to do a similar
thing for a while, didn't you?

What are you on about?

Don't you remember
when you were a teenager?

Your mum made you sleep with
boxing gloves on.

But that was due to Lee's
excessive...

All right.

Can we just talk
about the sleeping arrangements?

Well, I can't share with Lee.

Of course not,
you're my best mate's girlfriend.

Exactly, Tim wouldn't like that.

He doesn't even like a fork
in the spoon drawer.

So that just leaves...

Well, I don't mind,

as long as you don't try anything
cheeky in the night.

What, like going home?

I promise to keep
a respectful distance.

Oh, right, so you're going home?

All agreed then.

Daisy, are you sure you're OK
sleeping in the same room as Frank?

Yeah, as long as I can go on top.

So, um, do you think Frank's still
teaching Daisy how to

tie knots in there?

I hope so.

Why?

I just heard something about the
squirrel going up the trunk and in the hole.

So, erm, are you still feeling
nervous about sleeping on water?

A bit.

Well, I think
you've done really well, so far.

And if you do get
scared in the middle of the night,

remember, I'm right next to you.

To be honest, those two things
are more likely to happen the other way round.

I mean it.
If you need a hug, you know,

to make yourself feel more safe.

Thanks, Lee. I might just do that.

It's scary knowing the only
thing separating me

from death is one single plank.

There's a good few
inches of wood there.

I wasn't talking about the boat.

Neither was I.

Good night.

Morning.

How d'you sleep?

Like a baby. It was so nice to
drift off like that

and then to wake to that
gentle lapping.

Yeah, sorry about that. I was having
a dream about a massive choc-ice.

How you feeling?

Great. I'm really starting to
overcome my fear of water.

This was a brilliant idea.
Thanks, Lee.

Good.

Right, well, I'm just going to
nip over the road and...

buy a Twix.

I tell you what, Dad, you haven't
exactly brought me much luck over the years,

but something tells me
this time I have landed on my feet.

What's going on?

Before I tell you, can
I just confirm -

this whole "fear of water" thing.

That's in the past?
You're over that, right?

Yeah, I think so. Why?

Oh, my God.

There's been a major
terrorist attack on Eastbourne.

Is this really the only spare
outfit you had, Dad?

I hate Bermuda shorts.

They're not Bermuda shorts,
they're my normal trousers.

I don't believe this.
We're lost at sea.

Don't worry, I've made this.

I think it's a bit
late for apologies, actually, Lee.

Not 'soz'. It's SOS.

That's not going to work.

It could be weeks before we see
another boat.

You may as well have written
'woof' on that sheet in the hope

that Lassie spots us
from his flipping Jet Ski.

Oh, God.

Don't worry, Lucy love,
we'll be fine.

How? Can you get the engine working?

Engine's knackered, I'm afraid.

Have you got a radio transmitter?

There was a one,
but I got rid of it.

I swapped it for a load
of duty-free fags.

It was a very good deal,
actually.

In fact, I had to throw in the GPS
and the life jackets.

So, you're telling us there's no
way of knowing where we are.

No, I know exactly where we are.

Where?
We're in the middle of the sea.

We know that, Dad, but whereabouts?

Are we in British waters or
French waters?

If we're in French waters, shouldn't
we be drifting on the right?

How the hell do
I know which waters we're in?

This is your boat.
You are supposed to be the captain.

Put that back on!

We decide
when we're having a mutiny, not you.

I'm going to be sick.

If you're going to do that,
do it over the side.

No, don't, you'll attract sharks.

Britain doesn't have sharks.

I don't think.

We're all going to die, aren't we?

Don't be ridiculous.

What about when all
the water's gone?

No, that's not going to work.

It'll be millions of years
before all that lot evaporates,

and even then it'll be too far to
walk back to the car.

I mean drinking water.

We're getting quite low, actually.

And there's not much food
left, either.

Ohh...
Who are we going to eat first?

Well, not me for starters.

The size of you,
it could only be starters.

I tell you what, Lucy.

You can have a little nibble of me
if you're peckish.

Well, there's only one thing for it.

I've got an inflatable dinghy,
we'll all just have to get into that

and row for the shore.

Are you sure it's a dinghy?

I mean, you call this a boat,

so what you're calling a dinghy I'd
assume we call a whoopee cushion.

Come on, you lot,
help me find the pump.

You've got to be kidding me.

There is no way I'm getting
onto a dinghy.

Why not? It's problem solved.

Oh really? My problem is that I'm
terrified of being on this little unstable boat.

Your solution is to abandon
it for an even smaller one.

What next,
all jump on the back of a turtle?

Or shall we Sellotape
a crab to each foot,

lasso a passing porpoise
and water-ski to safety?

What choice do we have?

What if it's got a slow a puncture
and deflates halfway across?

All right, we'll check it first.
How?

The way you check
a bicycle inner tube.

We'll inflate it in the
water and if no bubbles come up, we'll know it's safe.

Are you sure?

Don't worry, Lucy, everything will
be fine. I'm in charge now.

Actually, I don't really think this
is my... Please...

don't say 'cap size'.

Look, I've found the pump!
I'll start inflating it.

Wait. Put it in the water first.

Oh, I don't think that's a good idea.

Just trust me.

What if it sinks?

It won't.

I think it will, Lee.

Daisy, it won't sink. It will lie on
the surface of the water

and that way we can check
it before we use it.

I think it will sink.

Oh, for God's sake,
just put it in the water.

OK. Fine, we'll do it your way if
you're such a big expert.

I am.

But I think it's a big mistake.

Just do it.

Well, I hate to say I told you so.

I meant the dinghy.

Oh.

What time is it?

I don't know.
I haven't got me watch on.

I can tell the time
just by looking at the stars.

Well? It's...

..night time.

Well, at least being
stuck on here has given me

and Lee a chance to bond.

That's the thing about boats - makes
you realise just who the

people are that's
important in your life.

What do you think, Lucy love?

Your turn to blow, dickhead.

I think he's almost halfway.

He?
Yeah, Marshall.

Well, this is where the
madness starts -

striking up a relationship with
a half-empty bag of air.

Just trying to keep up morale.

I wasn't talking to you.

Oh, look out, everyone, I think
Marshall's about to do a sneeze.

A... A... A...

Choo!

Better out than in.

Lee, Lucy, wake up!

I've finally done it!

Oh, thank God...

I have finally cracked
the clove hitch knot.

Well, I say I. I, of course, mean we.

We?
Yeah me and Marshall.

He can't wait to get going.
Look at him.

He's well pumped.
Actually, I didn't pump him, did I?

Well, he's certainly well blown.

No wonder he's got
a smile on his face. Let's go.

Dad?

Oh, hello, son. I thought
you were asleep.

What are you doing?

Erm...

There was a bee.

You don't get
bees in the middle of the sea.

No, but you get them
in the middle of the A and the C.

All right, I admit it.
I'm sinking the boat.

We're abandoning it anyway, so
I thought I might as well sink it.

Otherwise, it might eventually
get towed back

and I'd be responsible for salvage.

How do you know that?

It says so in the insurance policy -

paragraph 26, subsection 7,
clause D.

Why did you bother insuring
a boat for 400 quid?

I didn't.

I insured it for 12 grand.

This whole thing was planned,
wasn't it?

You undid the ropes in the middle
of the night and set us adrift.

I didn't need to.

I tied them with a clove hitch knot.

It's a crap knot, really -
slightest bit of tension

and it just comes undone.

Don't move.

Why?

There's a bee on your head.

Why drag us three into it?

Cos I needed independent witnesses
and not just me own son.

Well, guess what?

You've wasted your time,
there is no way us

three are going to back up
your story.

Fine. Seems I've got no
insurance money then.

Which means I'll have no cash
and nowhere to live.

Looks like I'm going to have to come
and stay with you for a

while till I sort me self out,
doesn't it?

What the hell are you doing?

There was a bee.

You're sinking the boat!
You pair of bloody maniacs!

We have to.
It's do with the...

Protection of sea otters.

If they see an empty boat,

they can climb aboard
and they sometimes get stuck.

Really?

Yeah, and the last thing anybody
wants is slippery old vermin

finding a new home.

Look, we're abandoning ship anyway,
so it doesn't really matter.

Yeah. Eh, I hope you haven't left
that dinghy unattended.

Of course not.

I gave Daisy strict
instructions not to leave it.

Hello.

Where's the dinghy?

Pardon?
Where's the dinghy?

Pardon?

Where's Marshall?

Better. He's fine.
I've put him in the water.

Don't worry,
he's securely tied to the boat.

I used my new clove hitch knot.

Marshall! I'm sorry!
Marsha-a-all!

You know before
when I said stop panicking?

Well, you can start again now...

How's it looking in there?

I've patched it up as best I can,
but we're still sinking.

Oh, God, we're going to drown.

They say it's a peaceful way to go.

Not with someone's foot
up your arse, it isn't.

This boat is not going to stay
afloat for much longer.

Why don't you make a few more holes
with the pickaxe,

to let the water drain out?

Right, there's only one thing for
it. I'm going to fetch help.

How?

I'm going to swim ashore.

Swim?

Are you sure about this, Lee?

Well, someone's got to try.

What about the sharks?

They'd be great at the swimming,

but I'm not sure we could trust them
to ask for help.

Well, I think you're an idiot.
You'll never make it, son.

Well, if I don't, Dad, at
least I can console myself with one thought -

you've drowned, too.

Wish me luck.

Wait!

Good luck.

Don't worry, Lucy, I'll be fine.

We all will be.

Remember what that teacher said -

half boy, half fish.

Whoa! Oh, it's freezing!
Oh, get me out of here!

I thought your teacher said you were
half boy, half fish?

They never actually saw me swim.

I used to eat worms.

Look! I found the flare gun!

Oh, thank God!

I never knew we had one of those.

I thought you lived on here.

I lived in Chorley for 16
years, I never knew it had a Greggs.

Let me do it.

No, I'm in control of this
situation.

Oh, wait!
There are specific instructions.

Hold the flare at arm's length, well
away from the face and above water.

Activate the flare with a sharp
tug to the cord.

OK, here goes...

Remembering to keep the yellow
band at the top.

You never know. Maybe we'll get
rescued by a submarine.

Well, there goes our last hope.

Finally, never dispose of the flare
gun before both flares

have been discharged.

Both?

Dad, I'm making you captain again.

Do you know what this reminds me of?

That bit in the film, Titanic.

You know, the bit where the boat
sinks and loads of people die.

You know what it reminds me of?
What?

That bit in Star Wars where Luke
decides to kill his father.

It's not my fault, son.

Not your fault?

This whole thing was
planned as an insurance scam.

How can it not be your fault?

You what?

Oh, come on, Lucy love, let him
who has never sinned cast the first...

You can talk, son,

you should never have got Lucy
here on false pretences.

What false pretences?

Pretending to want to try to help
with your fear of water.

He just wanted a romantic setting,
a double bed

and bingo.

How romantic - bingo.

Don't listen to him, he's delirious.
Why don't you shut up?

No, you shut up!
You're an idiot!

You're the idiot! You are. You are.

Stop it!

I have got good reason to let
the pair of you kill each other.

But is this really how you
want it to end?

Is it?

With you and your father
screaming at each other?

Lucy's right, Lee. This
isn't the time for recriminations.

It's time like this you should be
thinking about all

the positive things that your dad
has done for you.

All the childhood memories, the fun
days out, the birthday presents...

You absolute bastard!

Shut your face!
No, you shut yours!

Wait! Oh, do what you want.
What do I care?

But just one question,
before you do.

Did you ever resolve
whether Britain has sharks or not?

Why?

Yes! You see? Once again, Daisy has
been proved right!

I mean...

Marshall, it's you!
I knew you'd come back for me!

Oh, how did the swimming lesson go?

Pretty good, actually.

Then again,
the water was above zero,

pickaxes weren't involved
and nothing was set on fire.

Oh, you didn't go to the local
council pool then.

So, ah, am I properly forgiven now?

Well, it wasn't really
your fault your dad was trying to

fiddle the insurance.

Are you going to back up his story?

Well, if we do, we risk 15
years in prison for fraud.

And if we don't?

He's got nowhere to live
and comes knocking on our door.

I suppose, with good behaviour,
I'll be out in 12.

Anyway, I hope you don't mind,
but he's in there now.

I invited him for a cup of tea, then
you'll never have to see him again.

I hope you're joking.

'Fraid not.

I thought you were
talking about your dad.

Oh, no.

I let the air out of him and packed
him in a crate.

Anyway, Marshall's got something
to ask you, actually.

What? Well, he was wondering, now
you're overcoming your fear of water,

if you'd like to come on a little
boating trip -

just the three of us.

Is he serious?

Yeah.

I wish I had invited my dad
round now.