All language subtitles for Not Going Out s06e07 Magic.eng

Help! Let me out!
Get us out of here!

It's no good. No-one can hear us.

Why do I ever listen to you?

I can't breathe.

You've really done it this time.

I'm not joking, I'm really
struggling for oxygen here.

You idiot! Because of you
we have lost 13 children!

Lucy, for the love of God,
will you just listen to me?

I can't breathe.

Please! Just take your hands
off my neck.

I know Twister's for perverts,

but you're making it a bit too
easy for them.

I'm trying to decide what to wear
to my god-daughter Nancy's birthday party tomorrow.

What's the theme?
Coco the transvestite clown?

Oh, good. Is this your rent money?

You're early.

It was due three days ago.
Like I say, you're early.

Actually it's not the rent.
Well, what is it?

It's for a bet on tomorrow's
Grand National.

There's a horse running
called Lucky Lee.

I am telling you, it is an omen.

Oh, right.
Maybe I should have a bet, too.

No, I can't see any horses called
The Exploited Landlady

or The Gullible Idiot.

Maybe you should go for the one
called Churchtown Flyer. Why?

It's a right old nag.

Listen to me!

OK. Anything else, Woody Woodpecker?

Hi, Lucy.

Kerry! What a lovely surprise.

All right?

Oh, sorry.

I get so used to it,
it doesn't shock me any more.

What's the matter?
Is Nancy all right?

Oh, she's fine
but there's been a fire.

My whole house has been destroyed.

Maybe I should go for the one
called Firestarter.

Come in. Let me get you a drink.

It's OK, I can't stay.

I've just got a big favour to
ask of you, Lucy.

I'm going to have to cancel
tomorrow's birthday party

unless I can find someone
else to host it.

I mean, I won't even be there
because I've got to find us

a new flat and then there's
the loss adjusters...

Hey, of course I'll host it.

But it's the Grand National
tomorrow.

Oh... I really don't want to
inconvenience you, Lucy.

You're not, Kerry. Is she, Lee?

Look, you've had a huge traumatic
thing happen to you.

It's at times like these that
people need to make sacrifices.

I'm sure little Nancy will understand
if she doesn't have a party.

Of course we'll do it. In fact, why
not bring Nancy round this afternoon?

That way you can sort some things
out and we can work out what she wants to do tomorrow.

Don't worry, Nancy and Lee will get
on like a...

hot cake.

It's not like you to ask me
for a drink, Lee.

Should I be getting ideas?

Oh, come on, Daisy. You? Ideas?

The thing is,
I've just got something to ask you.

Lucy's friend's child needs a venue
for her eighth birthday party tomorrow

because their house burnt down and
you don't want to have it at yours

because you want to watch Lucky Lee
race in the Grand National.

Lucy phoned me and told me
to tell you "no" if you asked.

Did you think I'd read your mind?

Did you think I was a witch?

Not so much a witch -
more of a why.

Do you know what I think?

Badgers shouldn't be allowed to use
zebra crossings - they're only asking for trouble?

I think you should forget trying to
spend the afternoon slumped on

the sofa watching the Grand National
and help organise the party instead.

And why on earth would
I want to do that?

Shall I tell you the difference
between men and women, Lee?

And I'm not just talking about the
obvious stuff like Wiggly Bob

and the meadow of love.

Good, because you'd only lose me
with your scientific jargon.

When a woman looks for a man, she's
not just looking for one thing.

She's looking at the package.

Well, make your mind up,
which one is it?

You show a woman that you're willing
to play daddies and mummies, and

before you know it she'll be letting
you play mummies and daddies.

Or to put it another way,
Wiggly Bob might just...

Ah! Just drink your orange juice.

Pass the parcel?

Boring. Musical chairs?

Boring.

My mum used to say only boring
people find things boring.

Your mum sounds tedious.

Nancy, this is Lee.

Hello, Nancy.

Why have you got such a big nose?

It helps if there's a gas leak.

Mum thinks we had a gas leak.

She thinks that's why my house
burned down and killed my goldfish.

Sorry to hear that.
What was his name?

I didn't give him a name.
He was just a dumb fish.

He couldn't do anything.
He was boring.

Well, it's a very touching eulogy.
So - what you doing?

Trying to work out some things to
do for Nancy's party tomorrow.

But we're struggling a bit,
aren't we, Nancy? We? You're the adult. I'm just a child.

Oh, come on,
we're not falling for that.

You're a middle-aged woman who
obviously smoked too much.

Maybe I can help.

So what were you going to do before,
you know... plans changed?

Have some friends round for a party.

But it's not what
I really wanted to do.

What did you really want to do?

Take all my friends to watch
JLS at Wembley.

The tickets are only
80 pound each.

Sorry, Nancy,
we can't afford that sort of thing.

You two must be really poor.

Don't worry. We've got other plans.
What about hide-and?

You mean hide-and-seek.

Oh, no, we're not going to come
looking for you.

I know! What about a magician?

OK. If I HAVE to.

Great! Well done. I'll, erm,
I'll book one straightaway.

This game is going on for ever.

You shouldn't suck your thumb.
It'll give you buck teeth.

You'll end up looking like a rabbit.

Better than looking like a fat
whippet.

That's what my mum said
you looked like.

Well,
she was probably just having a joke.

She said you didn't want to
have my party here

because you were selfish, you
abused your friendship with Lucy,

you probably hated children
and you looked like a fat whippet.

See, it's not so bad
when it's in context.

And I'll tell you what else
she said... Just put your thumb back in your mouth.

It's no good.

There are no magicians
available at such short notice.

My party is going to be rubbish!

If you can't get a magician,
you have to take me

and my friends to see JLS.

I'm not taking you anywhere.

You're rubbish at organising things.

I know, why don't we have a think
about what food you'd like?

I don't care as long as HE doesn't
smell it with his big nose.

At least I don't suck my thumb,
you loser.

At least I don't cheat at Monopoly.

I didn't cheat.

I saw you steal a
"get out of jail free" card.

When it comes to a man's liberty,
sometimes you've got to make difficult choices.

Cheat. Thumb sucker.

Big nose. Girl.

Have you finished?
I knew you'd take her side.

I'm not taking sides.
You're a fully grown adult.

You might want to remember that next
time you talk to me like I'm a child.

I don't talk to you like you're
a child. Oh, just go.

Where?

To your room.

Oh! Don't worry. I'm not staying
here and listening to little Linda Blair.

That's not funny.

Only because you don't get it.
It was a film.

About a demonic little girl
whose head span round

until she vomited the devil
out of her gob.

Or you could just watch Toy Story 2.
We've got both.

All right, mate. How's tricks?

What can I get you, sir?
Novelty nose?

Oh, no, I see you've already got
one.

I just wondered if you knew anyone
that could do a children's party tomorrow?

No. This is a magic shop, sir.
Magicians come to us.

Not the other way round.

Perhaps if I wait,
one might come in? Perhaps.

How often do you get people in here?

The last person came in...

October.

I blame the internet.

People ordering online? No. They're
staying at home watching porn.

There is another alternative, sir.

Why don't YOU do the magic show?

Me? I can't do magic.

Anyone can do magic, sir.

Blimey. Make sure you don't do that
when you're blowing your nose.

How did you do that?

Rent some tricks off me
and I'll tell you.

I'm not sure. Look,
business is quiet at the moment,

so I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll teach you some tricks, you can
take them home and practise, no charge.

If you don't like them,
just bring them back later and we'll say no more about it.

If you do like them,
which you will,

come back and pay me
before I close today.

Very trusting of you. Some people
have got very honest faces, sir.

Thanks.

Others, I need to see proof of
address.

Hello?

Can you let me in?

No.

Please, I've got a little something
I want to show you.

Is that right? Tell you what, you
pop it through the gap in the door and I'll come over and slam it.

I'm sorry about before, Lucy.

Anyone can say sorry.

That's not true.
Elton John finds it hard.

Please! Open the door.

I've found someone to
do your children's party.

Well, come on then, smart aleck,
don't keep us waiting. Who?

Me, Daisy. Prepare to be... amazed.

Argh!

God, I'm sorry.

You'll have to hold it lower
if you want to do that to the kids.

What the hell are you doing?

I am trying to show you that
I can be a children's entertainer.

Well, she's already had her house
burned down - why not blind her as well?

You can't do magic.
Oh, is that right?

Well, if you'd like to take
your seats, ladies and gentlemen,

and please welcome
onto the stage...

Wiggly Bob!

Hello, boys and girls!

Hello, Wiggly Bob!

Wiggly Bob can't hear you!

Oh, right. Is that the joke, then -
that you're deaf?

Hello, boys and girls!

Hello, Wiggly Bob!

Hello, boys and girls.

Hello, Wiggly Bob.

And who's this little girl?

My name's... Apple.

I'm not calling you Apple.

Erm, what about Peaches?

Why stop at fruit?
What about Cabbage?

I could be a flower.

All right, be a flower.

Erm... I can't think of one now.

How about Daisy?

Oh, I like that. Erm...

Hello, Wiggly Bob. I'm Daisy.

Would you like to help me
do some magic, Daisy? Yes!

Let's hear it for Daisy!

Now then, Daisy, this is my most
specialest, my most magicalest,

my most expensivest
wand in the world.

Do you promise to take
good care of it? I promise.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Lee, I don't know
what happened, cos I didn't...

It's supposed to happen. Oh, right.

What have you done to my wand,
Daisy?

Nothing. It's supposed to happen.

Can you pretend to be a child?

What have you done to my wand,
Daisy?

Help, I've wet myself!

I'll tell you what.

Why don't we give Daisy a brand-new
wand and she can help me

make this silk handkerchief
disappear?

Would you like to do that, Daisy?
Yes.

And what's the magic word?
Oh, sorry - yes, please.

No, it's abracadabra.

No, it's not. Kids' magicians never
say abracadabra.

They always say stuff
like Silly Sausages or Izzy Wizzy.

All right, we'll say that.
Oh, no, I don't know, Lee.

If it's supposed to be abracadabra
then we should say abracadabra.

You shouldn't mess around
when dealing with the occult.

This isn't a toy.

Just wave the magic wand
and say whatever you like.

Dark forces of the night,
hear my words.

I implore you,
show your mysterious ways. Use me.

I am your vessel.

Abra-ca-dabra!

Oh, my God.
That was actually amazing!

Thanks very much. Erm,
it's actually easier than it looks.

What do you reckon?

I haven't got much choice
No-one else is available. Great.

OK, Daisy, there's a magic
shop on the high street,

go and give the bloke in there
this money. Me and Lucy have got some rehearsing to do.

Have we? Yes. This is my big finale.

And I need a very special assistant
to help me with this one.

OK. But aren't magicians' assistants
always glamorous and pretty?

Well, I don't think you need to
worry in that department.

Yeah. It's only a kids' party.

? 'Roll over, roll over'
And they all rolled o... ?

OK, settle down, everyone.

The magic will be starting soon!

Toby, can you come out of
my bedroom, please?

And stop playing
with my electric toothbrush.

At least I hope
that's my electric toothbrush.

All right, Mr Chuckles.

You were supposed to bring me
round my money last night.

I sent my friend Daisy. Black hair,
big eyes, different planet.

Is that right?
Well, she didn't show up.

Why don't you give me my money now?

I haven't got it.

Well, in that case I'm going to have
to make a few things disappear.

Hang on, you can't take that.
I'm on in five minutes.

Is that right?

When I come back later for my big,
heavy magic box with my big,

heavy friends, you can pay me
200 quid for the inconvenience.

That way I won't have to
rip your nose off,

and stick it where the sun
don't shine.

Are you available for children's
parties?

No, seriously, are you
available for children's parties?

Can you hurry up, please?
They're getting restless!

Actually, I'm just going to need a
few more minutes to... prepare.

Oh, my God! Toby, that is
not an egg whisk!

WAIT! Drop the sticks
and step away from the donkey!

The man who looks like the fat
whippet told me

to tell you he's ready
and can you introduce him.

Oh, thank God! OK, boys and girls,
who's ready for some magic?

Yay!

Please welcome onto the stage
the amazing, the incredible,

the unbelievable... Wiggly Bob!

Yay!

Hello, boys and girls!

Who wants to see some special
illusions?

That's rubbish. My friend Gemma can
do that, and she's only eight.

Yes, there are others like me.

Oh, there aren't.

Right, I need a volunteer.

Let's hear it for the birthday
girl - Nancy!

Right, Nancy,
would you like to help me make

this silk handkerchief disappear?

They're underpants.

Underpants, handkerchief,
same difference.

You can blow your nose on both.

Take the magic wand...

and say the magic word,
abracadabra.

Abraca... Look!

Oooooo!

You're rubbish.

"Help! Help! Let me out of here!

"Somebody get me out of here!"

What was that, boys and girls?

Was it my internal monologue?

"Somebody help me!"

I think it's coming from my special
magic suitcase!

And what's your name?

"Sammy the Snake.
I want to tell a joke."

Well, I hope it's appropriate!

What, you mean like a deranged
transvestite talking to a sock?

"Two nuns in the bath..."

No! Sammy,
that would be really inappropriate.

Of course it would,
you cheeky little... sausage.

You're rubbish.
I want to go and watch JLS.

And this party is rubbish.

Boo!

Tell you what, I think
it's time for my big finale.

Let's welcome our special magic
assistant, it's Lucy!

Are you ready? Almost. I just need to
find some bricks and a canal.

Ow!

Why are you still inside the box?

Oh.

What do you mean, oh?

You know that special little tool
that opens the secret flap?

The one I told you on no
account to forget?

It's in my other clown trousers.

And where are your other
clown trousers?

You know the magic
shop on the high street?

Is that the one near the
Housing Association office?

I don't know where that is.
Oh, you will.

Nancy, darling, can you unlock
the box, please, my sweet?

If I do, will you take us
to see JLS?

You know we can't afford that,
sweetheart.

In that case...

Food fight!

I don't believe this.

I know. Stuck in here when there's a
food fight. I love a food fight.

Don't worry about that.

As soon as we're out of here, I'll
throw a tin of soup at your face.

I know, let's go and throw
food at other people's cars!

Nancy!

Yes?

Do not leave this flat.
Do you understand?

I know you've had your own way a lot
today and I've let it go,

but I'm telling you now, madam,
if you walk out of that door you will be in big trouble.

Do I make myself perfectly clear?

Right. That's it. Do you agree with
corporal punishment?

Absolutely.

I walked right into that, didn't I?

Help! Let us out!
Let me out of here!

My foot's gone numb. I'm touching
it, but I can't feel it.

That's my foot.

My breast has gone numb! Do you get
it? I'm pretending I was going to feel your...

Please stop hitting me.

What the hell am I going to say
when Nancy's mum turns up

and wants to know why her child and
all her friends have disappeared?

"Blimey, that magician was better
than we thought"?

Why do I ever listen to you?
I'm an idiot.

I can't believe you're being like
this. I gave up a bet on the Grand National for you.

Oh, slow down, William Blake,
my heart's melting.

Well, if I'm William Blake,
you're Terry Fenwick.

Who the hell is Terry Fenwick?

See, it's not nice, is it?

There are a bunch of eight-year-olds
roaming the street. What the hell are we going to do?

Oh, stop whingeing. It was all the
rage when I was a kid.

So was scurvy and Noel Edmonds, but
it doesn't make it right, you cretin.

Listen, if I wanted to see
things from your point of view

I would stick my head up my arse!

Oh, why don't you just go
and fart peas on the moon?

Look at you. You've got
a face like a short-changed hooker.

Well, there's no need to be rude.

If you're playing hide-and-seek you
can always just say "hot" and "cold".

Daisy? We're in the big wooden box.

Ha! Look at your face!
You look really funny!

Do I look like I'm smiling?

Why did you not pay
the man in the magic shop?

Well, I was going to but at the last
minute I remembered your omen,

so I bet all the money on
Lucky Lee.

Well, I knew you had magical
powers as soon as I saw your wand

go from solid to collapsey!

Anyway, you'll be pleased to
hear... that you won.

Get in! OK.

Oh, well, that's great, isn't it?

We've lost 13 children
but Lee's quids in.

Oh, I don't think you have lost
them, Lucy.

They're all downstairs
jumping on top of your car.

Oh, thank God.

Oh, I'm glad you're not bothered.
It looked like fun, so I had a go.

So you didn't get to play mummies
and daddies then?

Oh, I did, but it was
more like MY mummy and daddy.

What does that mean?
It means I messed up like me dad. And I look like me mum.

Well, it's a good job your horse
won then, isn't it?

How does that help?

I've clearly failed in showing Lucy
I'm any good with kids.

Well, I'm sure if you spend
the winnings wisely, you can

still find a way to impress her.

Are you having fun, Nancy?

Best birthday present ever!

I thought all you kids
were into One Direction nowadays?

No way! They're rubbish!

I had one of their CDs
but I hated it so much

I set fire to it in the cellar.

Aren't you worried that that magic
shop owner's going to come after you?

Don't worry. After the concert
tickets and your rent money

there was just enough left over from
my winnings to pay him off.

I even had enough to buy
one final trick.

Let's see it, then.

What's in your other hand?

Nothing.

Argh!

Nancy had a great time. Well done.

What do you mean, well done?

You don't punish an arsonist by
taking them to see a two-hour JLS concert.

Everyone knows you take them to see
Justin Bieber.

It wasn't our job to decide what
punishment to give Nancy.

It was our job to give her
a good party.

And thanks to you, she got one.

You quite suited
wearing my dress, actually.

Do you think it brought
out my feminine side?

If you had a feminine side,
you'd probably try and shag it.

Lucy. Yeah?

There's something I want to tell you.
What?

You need to take me to see
Justin Bieber. Why?

The sofa's on fire.