Original subtitles

Hello, darling.

Mum... Dad. Bit late, isn't it?

Yeah, if you've come to score some Ovaltine, our dealer's let us down.

We've just come straight from our amateur dramatic society meeting.

We need two ladies to play sisters

and we thought of you for one of them.

You used to love doing amateur dramatics when you were younger.

Well, it's been a while since I trod the boards, but why not?

It sounds like fun.

Um, did you say you were looking for two people?

I... I don't really think it'll be your sort of thing, Daisy.

I can act. I was in my college play.

I played the part of a woman who loses the use of her arms and legs,

but becomes an archery champion, using only her knees and her teeth.

Well, that's ridiculous.

You went to college?

Go on. Let her. Well, I suppose we do need all the hands we can get.

Why don't you do it as well, Lee?

We do still need someone to be in the final scene as Mr Faversham.

Who's Mr Faversham?

Your husband. He's an evil, impotent, wart-ridden, narcissist.

But even so, I still don't think

Lee would be right.

It's a good job I'm not available that week.

I'm in a one-man production of The Man Who Couldn't Give A Toss.

So, um, what's the play?

It's a brand-new one, written specially for us. Who by?

The same man who'll be playing opposite you as the heroic soldier.

He's quite hot.

He should take his helmet off.

So come on, then, who?

Scott Perry.

THE Scott Perry? Yes, THE Scott Perry.

Oh, my God!

How did you get THE Scott Perry to do it?

Scott Perry isn't famous, Daisy. Oh.

I must be thinking of someone else.

Who? THE...

Tom Hanks.

Who is this bloke? He was my first proper boyfriend, when I was 18.

Oh, him. You mean...

The Kisser?

He sounds like a very tactile enemy of Batman.

The one whose tongue would...

thrust like a pulsating ramrod

into the yielding crevice of your yearning palate

and make you moan like a wolverine bitch in heat?

Please remind me never to share two bottles of Lambrini with you again, Daisy!

I am telling you now, I am not spending time with Scott Perry.

Why, what's the problem? He sounds great.

If somewhat licky.

He ended the relationship.

No, Mum, he didn't. That's the point.

He went off travelling around the world

and didn't even bother to tell me it was over.

Well, it was a long time ago, and trust me, he's a changed man.

And he's still single.

Are you trying to do some matchmaking?

You could do worse. A lot worse.

Very considerate of you, Geoffrey,

but I can find my own boyfriends, thank you very much.

Please, Lucy. At least talk to Scott.

Let him show you he's sorry for the past.

Yes, we really need your help with this play, Lucy.

Oh, tell him he can come round tomorrow for a quick coffee.

But I'm not making any promises.

Don't worry, I can lend you some coffee.

So, um, how long have you been back, then?

A few months. Yeah. Once we'd set up the irrigation system

and the famine had been stopped,

I thought it was time to keep a dignified distance from the village.

Amazing people.

Their ability to smile

when all they want to do is scream is a lesson to all of us.

So, um, why the sudden interest in drama again?

Well, it was the happiest time of my life when we did that play together.

You as Jane Eyre and me as your Mr Rochester.

Jane, it feels as though I have a string tied to my heart

and it is tied to you in a similar fashion.

But I fear the string may snap

and I shall bleed inwardly, were you ever to leave my sight.

You couldn't pop out and get some milk, could you?

So, ah, who's your favourite Bronte sister, Lee?

Well, it's, er, it's difficult to say, isn't it?

Mmm... If you had to.

The tall one. She's quite tasty.

He means as a writer.

Oh. Erm...

Charlotte? Yes.

Why? Well, she was the best speller.

So, um, what made you have a go at writing, then?

Well, it's an idea I've had for a while.

A man goes off to war and leaves his true love behind.

But then he comes back and tries to make up for lost time.

I know! Call me an old romantic, call me an old soppy-head.

Or maybe you should call me a silly dreamer.

Keep going.

Come on, Lucy, it'll be like the good old days, yeah?

Oof! '94, eh?

That was a hell of a year!

Oh, yes, wasn't that the year you started travelling the world, Scott?

It was, yeah. And I was an idiot.

You know what that's like, don't you, Lee?

Actually, maybe you don't.

You know, you're a lucky man, Lee.

I look at you and I think,

there's a man who's never been a heart-breaker.

I'm truly sorry, Lucy.

Trust me, if I could turn that clock back...

Actually, if I could turn the clock back,

I suppose I should apologise to that Scottish vicar as well.

Sorry, Lee. He caught me giving Lucy our first kiss,

in the vestry.

Quite bold, for a first kiss.

"What are you doing in here?

"Well, come on, talk to me, girl!

"Why are you just staring at me like you've had an electric shock?"

Quick, quick, save yourself. You hardly know him!

I'm just the playing the, er, vicar's wife.

Run, run!

He's probably slipped something in your drink!

Please do the play, Lucy.

It would mean the world to your parents. And me.

It would give me the chance to show you that

I'm not the man you think I am.

OK. But I'm doing it for them. No-one else.

Och, ya silly wee gob-shite, ya!

Scott's play is so brilliant. I wish I could write.

Well, let's not rush things, Daisy.

It's only a week since we did shoelaces.

I have to admit, it's very good.

Anyone can write a play. Well, you've never done it.

I've never poured a box of Rice Krispies on my head.

It doesn't mean it's difficult.

I have.

I wanted to know what rain would feel like if it dehydrated.

So what's this play called? The Kiss. It's a costume drama.

It's a stupid phrase, that. All dramas have costumes in them.

Oh, I don't know. That one I caught you watching a few months ago didn't.

Did that plumber ever get round to giving that woman

a quote on a new stop-cock?

So what's it about? Oh, it's so romantic.

It's about a soldier who returns from battle

to try and rekindle the flame with his true love, Emily.

But she's married to the evil factory owner, Mr Faversham.

Boo!

Is that hyphenated?

The war hero is convinced that if he can kiss Emily, just once,

she'll remember that it's him that she truly loves.

Completely unrealistic. A person can't be swayed by one kiss.

I know. Of course it couldn't happen in real life.

Well, you say that, but when I was younger, Bertie licked me

on the face at the animal shelter and I fell for him instantly.

Did you take him home? I did actually, yes.

Having said that, I soon got rid of him.

It's hard to fancy a man that smells of cat wee.

Why have you returned, Richard?

So you can distract me from the mire of my thoughts.

When I lost my leg in battle, it made me doubt if there was a God,

and then I remembered your face, Emily, and decided there must be.

T'was the thing that made me wake in the morning.

Sorry. "T'was the thing that made me wake in the morning."

On the script, that looks like Tiswas.

The thing that made me wake in the morning. It's funny, isn't it?

No? You were clearly Swap Shop sort of people.

Well, this isn't working. Let's cut straight to the very end scene.

You mean the kiss?

Yes. Best to do it now.

No point saving it for the night. We're all adults.

And... action!

They have much to discuss. Let us leave them, daughter.

Oh, um, by the way, Lucy, you might want to move.

You're standing over the trapdoor

and I'm about to give the switches a bit of a clean.

We must go, my love.

I cannot do this, Richard.

I cannot leave my mother and sister, never to see them again.

We used to be happy together, Emily.

Maybe you will remember how much you love me... with a kiss.

'Ow do?

You weren't going to kiss my missus, were you, Dick?

What the hell are you doing here?!

Well, you need someone to play Faversham.

I told you we'd be fine, thank you.

Oh, come on, Geoffrey. It's just one small scene.

And I'm very low maintenance.

Well, I might want a bigger dressing room.

I'm joking, I genuinely want to help Geoffrey.

I might learn something.

Especially if I keep a watchful eye on things.

Well, I think it's a fantastic idea.

I've been worried we've been getting a bit too highbrow, Geoff.

Maybe Lee's... earthy qualities could be just the leveller we need.

OK, if we have to. As long as things start to run smoothly.

Sorry!

Tomorrow, I must leave for York. I will accompany you.

The thought of you undertaking such a treacherous journey

leaves me with many, many misgivings.

Misgivings? Yeah, and we all know

which miss you're going to be giving it to.

Sorry, it's very gripping.

Don't interrupt. Well, you'd better get used to it.

When the audience find out what he's up to,

they'll give him all sorts of grief. He's not up to anything.

Yes, he loves Emily, with all his heart.

Yeah, that's what we're all thinking now.

But do we really know what he's up to?

Yes, we do. It's in the script. At the end.

No, no, no! Don't spoil it! I don't want to know what happens!

I ripped out the final couple of pages to keep it exciting.

But you're in the very last bit.

Oh. Am I? Oh, don't worry, it'll be fine.

Everyone knows how to bow.

Please carry on.

Oh, Richard! Your return has caused me such confusion!

Let the tears flow, Emily.

And with each tear that falls, I shall hold you tighter.

I bet you will, mate.

God knows what you'd be like if this was a funeral.

Worry not, fair maiden, cover thine grief

by letting me stick this 'twixt your thighs.

I think it might be better, actually, Lee, if you went off

for a few hours and left me and Scott alone to rehearse our scenes.

They're quite... intense.

Yes, good idea. Come back in a few hours.

You're only in one scene.

Ah, well, I was going to talk to you about that, Geoffrey.

Do we really want my character only coming in at the end?

Yes, we do.

You see, I've been thinking, as Lucy's husband...

Ah, you're Emily's husband, Lee. You're only Lucy's lodger.

Very important we stay in character, yeah?

Good point, Scott.

I think, as Emily's husband, that you are an absolute prick.

Excuse the French, but what, with me being an evil and despicable man,

I don't mind hurting people's feelings and saying it how it is.

So I think there's a lot of mileage in me -

sorry, Mr Faversham - coming home early

and trying to stop you from sticking your hands

up my lovely wife's gusset, you egotistical, self-centred,

wife-nicking toss-pot.

Wow! What a brilliant idea!

Seriously, Geoffrey, I think Lee's onto something here.

Yeah, because Faversham is a weak, jealous, devious, loathsome,

pathetic little man, so, yeah,

you're right, he probably would try and keep an eye on things

because he knows that this war hero

is just that little bit more...

what's the word? Erm...

Fit?

Yes. Fit. Very good, Daisy. Let's go with fit.

Faversham knows his wife finds this man really fit.

Actually, horny.

Yeah... Fit and horny, very good again, and what's more...

He's well-endowed.

Too much?

What's more, Faversham knows he's going to lose her.

And I think you're right, Lee,

I think that would be really good to see early on.

So Faversham really gets the message,

he's under no illusion that he is going to lose her.

Let's workshop it.

Oh, Richard! Your return has caused me such confusion!

Let the tears flow, Emily.

And with each tear that falls, I shall hold you tighter.

Oy... thee. Whateth... is occurring?

My darling husband, you are home so early.

Yes, and what do I see afore me?

My wife, engulfed in the arms of another... geezer.

'Twas the comfort of a friend and nothing more.

Ah, well, that's the thing, isn't it, my sweet?

It starts off all friendly now, but if thine is not careful,

there can be a crafty kiss, and before you can say

Tigereth Woods, thou art in the back of thine carriage

with thine feet against the head-rest

and seatbelts digging into thine thighs.

I put it to you, sir, that to arraign your spouse in such

a condemnatory manner implies that you must only enjoy a modest

amount of certitude in the sanctity of your conjoining.

What?

He implies that your covetousness

shows you have doubt in our sacrament.

What?

He means... if you think he's shagging me,

then our marriage must be down the pan.

Well, it's not for him to say, is it?

For he is a stranger and has nothing to do with our confrottlement.

Our what? Just thought I'd join in.

I may be a stranger to you, sir, but I am not a stranger to Emily.

For, as you know, we were once lovers.

And what passionate lovers we were!

For, as her husband, you will know, her lips are luscious to kiss

and her skin is exquisite to touch.

Or... do you live separate lives, sir,

under one roof, as a lodger would?

Oh, why does thou not go and get fu...? Silence!

Quickly, let's all seek solace in the spaceship!

Our alien friends will take us to the mother planet.

Sorry, I'm not very good at ad-libbing.

What ist thy problem, Faversham?

Do you awaken every morning wondering if your lustful desires

for such a precious creature can ever be truly reciprocated?

I'll wager your cold and shameless hands offer her nothing

but loveless, impotent fornication.

Thine is really pushing thine luck, matey.

Whereas my hands offer her nothing but warmth and compassion

and a desire borne not just from lust, but from my very heart.

Take that, you smarmy little smacker!

Yeah, not so cooleth now, are you,

you marriage-wrecking cocketh?!

What the hell are you playing at, you lunatic?!

I will tell you what I'm playing at.

I am playing at being her other half.

And a bloke wouldn't tolerate some knobhead

giving that kind of bullshit to his missus, so I lamped the bastard!

Foresooth.

Right, that's it. You're sacked. You can't do that.

Who's going to play Lucy's husband? I will.

I don't know who to phone first - Social Services or Sigmund Freud.

Dr Banner! You're back already!

Don't tell me, you woke up in a skip with your clothes all torn again

and no idea what happened?!

You're back late. I went out for dinner...

with Scott. Oh, yeah?

Derren Brown finally managed to hypnotise you

with his Rohypnol lips, did he?

No, if you must know, I've decided to save the kiss

till the night of the actual performance.

And what performance are we talking about?

I'm happy to discuss this with you, Lee,

but not if you're going to keep doing pathetic sexual innuendo.

Do you understand? Yeah. Roger that.

If you must know, I took him out for dinner

to apologise for your behaviour this afternoon.

He was quite upset, you know.

Oh, he is working you like... one of those things.

An arthritic piano player?!

A marionette, Lee.

I know. A marionette. With loads of strings attached.

Yeah. See? I've got words too!

Yes, but very few that would score double in Scrabble.

Have you forgotten the way he treated you?

Of course I haven't, but...

he seems to have genuinely changed since I first knew him.

Is that right? And how has he changed?

Well, he used to be a bit... self-important.

He used to be MORE self-important?

What was he doing, healing lepers, or singing with U2?

What is your problem with him?!

He's such a bloody phoney.

"Oh, I spent so long working with the poor!"

Big deal! I spent years working with the poor,

you don't hear me banging on about it.

It doesn't count if you're just working with them

because you're one of them!

He is using that play so he gets to use his magic kiss,

so he can try and get back with you.

And what's it got to do with you, anyway?

Don't flatter yourself, I'm not doing this to protect

your honour, I just don't like him.

I would be like this if he was trying to bang Magda Goebbels.

Yeah, that's right, Magda Goebbels. Imagine that on a triple word score!

You're not allowed proper nouns. Whatever!

There is trouble a-brewing, you must act with haste.

Sorry, my brain's not really functioning in the real world.

I mean, it's 200 years behind everyone else's.

Do you need me in this conversation?

The show starts in an hour and when their lips finally meet,

there'll be no turning back.

Well, there's not much I can do against The Kisser, is there?

Come on, you know what they say -

if you can't beat them...

She's already falling under his spell.

It's like that bit in the Jungle Book,

when the snake hypnotises Mowgli.

Trussst... innn... meeee.

Very good. Do you do any others?

Or is it just Hannibal Lecter, the 19th-century pre-op transsexual?

'Your tales of courage overwhelm me...'

Get your costume on! You're on soon!

I was caught up in the moment.

It's going very well, isn't it? Yes.

Where the hell did that go?

'You act as though I have already agreed'

to go with you. But alas, I am still confused.

Oh, do not be confused, Emily, for I love you,

and that is all you need to know.

Oh, Richard...

It is too late! Mr Faversham is here!

Oh, Lord save you, Richard!

God only knows what look of hatred will be on his face

when he walks through that door!

That's not the face I was expecting.

Ketanga, my friends! And who is this man I see afore me?

Ahem...

Um, well...

This man you see afore you is the man that truly loves Emily,

that wishes to take her away from this cruel and wicked place

and make her truly happy.

Well, 'tis clear that you hath made your mind up, my sweet,

and as you know, I wish only

that you are as happy as a piglet in excretia.

These are... very surprising words...

and actions, Mr Faversham.

Yes, verily, I am now unsure as to where we are at, exactly

which, if truth be known, was always the case,

but now is totally vexing... m'Lordy.

Come, daughter, let us leave them to this confusion.

No way, I really want to watch this.

You see, my dear, if you have decided

to fall in love with one who is so clearly fraudulent,

then who am I to stoppeth you? What mean you by fraudulent?

Yes, husband, please explain, lest I should remain confused

and, in my confusion, lash out and brain thee.

What I mean, my beloved, is that it is clear that a man so perfect,

a man so pure, a man so wholesome, he maketh Alpen look like Frosties,

that indeed, it is clear we cannot trust him.

Especially given that he once went off

without so much as a toodleth-pipeth,

thine devious little bastard.

Listen here, Faversham...

Why, Richard, your injury appears to have improved somewhat.

Yes.

My love for Emily is so strong,

it can make me forget my pain.

Not sure it can actually make a leg grow back, though.

I may have slightly exaggerated my injuries, my darling, Emily,

but not my love for you.

And I know you will remember just how much you love me

when I kiss you.

You will fall for me again, as I have fallen for you.

Sorry!

Emily, my darling, do you really believe that one kiss

can make a woman realise she truly loves a man?

Maybe.

Then I say unto thee, get thee lips around this!

So, Mr Faversham got the woman. No-one was expecting that twist.

No. Especially the cast. How did Scott describe it again?

Like a very poor scratch-card winner

who got really, really, really lucky. Yeah, but that's always been

your philosophy with women, hasn't it?

Buy as many as you can, then keep on scratching.

So, uh, you going to be seeing Scott again?

Maybe. You know, just as friends.

OK, I admit it, I found myself getting

a little bit close to him again.

It's understandable, though, we do have history. History.

A very over-rated word, in my opinion.

I always thought it was a mistake that at school,

you had a lesson called History, but not Future.

Maybe cos at your school,

the teachers felt you didn't have a future.

Scott's nicer than you think. And he's a half-decent writer as well.

What, even if he does think that one kiss can change everything?

You still not having that, then?

I don't know. Can it?

Not according to you.

Maybe I was a bit hard...

I don't mean during our kiss.

I mean with Scott.

I don't mean Scott made me hard.

Be nice to do it again sometime.

Do what?

You know...

The play. Yeah.

In fact, I'm thinking of having a go at writing one myself.

Got to have a story first.

Oh, I've got a story.

About what?

About a boy, who likes a girl,

but he can't have her.

Why can't he have her? Because...

he can't tell her that he loves her,

because the girl... is his sister.

What?

He didn't know at first,

but then, after he defeated his evil father, using his magic force,

he found out the girl of his dreams

is, in fact, his sister.

Is this Star Wars? Yep.

All right, I take it back, this writing malarkey IS quite hard.