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1
00:00:27,800 --> 00:00:29,560
Lucy?
2
00:00:32,320 --> 00:00:33,960
Hello?
3
00:00:37,914 --> 00:00:42,112
If you're a burglar I've got...
a really nice urn you can have.
4
00:00:42,114 --> 00:00:43,354
Aaah!
5
00:00:46,674 --> 00:00:49,712
Don't worry about me grandad,
he was already dead.
6
00:00:49,714 --> 00:00:53,552
What are you doing, Daisy? Creeping
round like a gimp in a bin bag?
7
00:00:53,554 --> 00:00:55,032
I'm going on a hen night next week.
8
00:00:55,034 --> 00:00:57,392
And the theme is superheroes
and supervillains.
9
00:00:57,394 --> 00:01:00,792
So I've just borrowed this off Lucy.
It's Catwoman.
10
00:01:00,794 --> 00:01:04,712
Catwoman didn't have whiskers.
Course she did, she was Catwoman.
11
00:01:04,714 --> 00:01:06,774
So? Batman didn't sleep upside down
12
00:01:06,871 --> 00:01:09,231
and Robin didn't go
bob-bob-bobbing along.
13
00:01:10,616 --> 00:01:12,174
Oh, you are here.
14
00:01:12,176 --> 00:01:14,734
I've been up in the loft
to lend Daisy that costume.
15
00:01:14,736 --> 00:01:17,414
I've got loads of them up there,
didn't I ever tell you?
16
00:01:17,416 --> 00:01:18,974
You never told me we had a loft.
17
00:01:18,976 --> 00:01:21,974
There's a hatch through there.
Next to the bathroom. What's in there?
18
00:01:21,976 --> 00:01:25,094
A bath, a sink - you should
pop your head in there one day.
19
00:01:25,096 --> 00:01:28,614
In the loft.
Just things from a misspent youth.
20
00:01:28,616 --> 00:01:31,134
Costumes, records. And...
21
00:01:31,136 --> 00:01:32,934
this!
22
00:01:32,936 --> 00:01:35,934
I'm glad you bought that. Cos I've
been wanting to put up some shelves
23
00:01:35,936 --> 00:01:38,534
and I could only find those
two-foot sponge nails.
24
00:01:38,536 --> 00:01:39,974
I didn't buy it.
25
00:01:39,976 --> 00:01:44,414
On my very first ever date with my
first ever boyfriend, he won it.
26
00:01:44,416 --> 00:01:47,054
Why, did he go out with you
for a bet?
27
00:01:47,056 --> 00:01:49,654
Well I suppose you could say
it was a gamble for both of us.
28
00:01:49,656 --> 00:01:52,376
But it paid off.
Why? Did you take it each way?
29
00:01:55,176 --> 00:01:56,616
Because we fell in love.
30
00:01:57,736 --> 00:02:00,254
Our first date was at a fun fair.
Scott was amazing.
31
00:02:00,256 --> 00:02:02,134
He kept winning all the games.
32
00:02:02,136 --> 00:02:04,654
You know, "Whack A Mole",
"Hook A Duck".
33
00:02:04,656 --> 00:02:08,134
And, um, what's that one called
where you throw the darts?
34
00:02:08,136 --> 00:02:09,854
Darts.
35
00:02:09,856 --> 00:02:11,694
Eventually he won this
on one of the stalls
36
00:02:11,696 --> 00:02:14,694
and we became like a little family,
just the three of us.
37
00:02:14,696 --> 00:02:18,094
Me, Scott and little MC Hammer.
38
00:02:18,096 --> 00:02:21,376
Ahh, the three of you sound
absolutely bloody unbearable.
39
00:02:22,656 --> 00:02:25,174
It's called being in
a loving relationship.
40
00:02:25,176 --> 00:02:27,094
You wouldn't understand.
41
00:02:27,096 --> 00:02:28,694
So why have you kept it?
42
00:02:28,696 --> 00:02:31,574
Because a first love is special.
43
00:02:31,576 --> 00:02:32,974
Why?
44
00:02:32,976 --> 00:02:34,414
Because it's the first.
45
00:02:34,416 --> 00:02:38,334
So? My first love was Wagon Wheels
but then I got older,
46
00:02:38,336 --> 00:02:40,616
as I matured, I discovered a man
called Mr Kipling.
47
00:02:41,856 --> 00:02:44,054
Anyway, it was a long time ago,
it's all in the past.
48
00:02:44,056 --> 00:02:46,414
Exactly. I'll chuck it away
for you then, shall I?
49
00:02:46,416 --> 00:02:48,894
No. You can't touch this.
50
00:02:48,896 --> 00:02:50,256
Was that you or MC Hammer?
51
00:03:01,616 --> 00:03:03,694
What are you doing here?
52
00:03:03,696 --> 00:03:06,734
Oh, I'm meeting the hen night girls
to plan next week.
53
00:03:06,736 --> 00:03:08,934
I took the costume off though,
obviously.
54
00:03:08,936 --> 00:03:11,256
Don't want to give away
who I'm coming as.
55
00:03:12,416 --> 00:03:14,614
Do you want a drink? Yes, please.
56
00:03:14,616 --> 00:03:16,936
Pint of lager
and a saucer of milk, please.
57
00:03:19,136 --> 00:03:22,614
Well, I notice that once again
you are showing a little too much
58
00:03:22,616 --> 00:03:25,136
interest in Lucy's personal life.
59
00:03:26,536 --> 00:03:30,374
I overheard your little discussion
while I was in the bathroom.
60
00:03:30,376 --> 00:03:33,456
Do you know what I think you need?
Thicker walls?
61
00:03:34,536 --> 00:03:36,534
Some womanly advice.
62
00:03:36,536 --> 00:03:38,254
I just don't think it would
do any harm
63
00:03:38,256 --> 00:03:42,534
if you were to make her a little bit
jealous for a change.
64
00:03:42,536 --> 00:03:44,174
What, you mean get a girlfriend?
65
00:03:44,176 --> 00:03:48,734
I know. It seems unlikely,
but it's not going to happen
66
00:03:48,736 --> 00:03:52,494
if you don't open yourself up to
opportunity every now and again.
67
00:03:52,496 --> 00:03:54,894
I do open myself up to opportunity,
I'm always...
68
00:03:54,896 --> 00:03:56,776
Excuse me,
I'm using that stool for me coat.
69
00:03:58,616 --> 00:03:59,854
Hi, Rachel.
70
00:03:59,856 --> 00:04:03,574
Oh, hi, Daisy.
Didn't recognise you for a second.
71
00:04:03,576 --> 00:04:05,096
What's with the whiskers?
72
00:04:08,056 --> 00:04:09,214
How do you know about that?
73
00:04:09,216 --> 00:04:11,456
It was just a small tin,
to get into character.
74
00:04:15,056 --> 00:04:19,094
This is my friend Lee.
My single friend.
75
00:04:19,096 --> 00:04:21,934
What time's Cilla getting here?
76
00:04:21,936 --> 00:04:24,494
I'm just getting the drinks in
for the girls.
77
00:04:24,496 --> 00:04:27,696
Well, I'll go and join them,
and leave you two to chat.
78
00:04:29,256 --> 00:04:32,936
Will it be number one who says he's
thinking of having his cat put down?
79
00:04:38,616 --> 00:04:41,294
Do you want a drink?
It's OK. We've got a kitty.
80
00:04:41,296 --> 00:04:43,016
I know. But she can get her own.
81
00:04:49,336 --> 00:04:52,814
Why does everyone assume
if you're single you have to be looking for a relationship?
82
00:04:52,816 --> 00:04:55,656
Exactly. You might just be
looking for some casual sex.
83
00:05:00,256 --> 00:05:01,856
Sorry, that was a joke. I know.
84
00:05:03,936 --> 00:05:07,614
Unless you are just looking for
some casual... No. Me neither.
85
00:05:07,616 --> 00:05:11,854
Another round of shots, please.
I'm drinking them under the table.
86
00:05:11,856 --> 00:05:15,174
Why, are you not allowed
on the furniture?
87
00:05:15,176 --> 00:05:18,136
Right, well, I should probably
get back to the girls.
88
00:05:19,496 --> 00:05:24,534
Erm, Rachel, do you fancy going out
some time?
89
00:05:24,536 --> 00:05:26,174
Chinese? Mexican?
90
00:05:26,176 --> 00:05:27,536
Ooh, go as a Mexican!
91
00:05:29,976 --> 00:05:33,694
Er... Yeah, OK, why not? Great.
92
00:05:33,696 --> 00:05:37,054
What are you doing tomorrow night?
I'll take it from here, Daisy.
93
00:05:37,056 --> 00:05:40,254
Erm, actually I am free
tomorrow night, if you fancy it.
94
00:05:40,256 --> 00:05:43,694
Brilliant. I know a really nice
restaurant in the West End.
95
00:05:43,696 --> 00:05:45,934
We could meet there at eight
if you like.
96
00:05:45,936 --> 00:05:48,734
Actually, why don't you
come round to mine first
97
00:05:48,736 --> 00:05:50,774
and I can introduce you
to my landlady.
98
00:05:50,776 --> 00:05:52,774
Oh, that's a good idea.
99
00:05:52,776 --> 00:05:55,574
OK, well, why don't I just come round
before breakfast.
100
00:05:55,576 --> 00:05:57,974
That way I could
meet your milkman, too.
101
00:05:57,976 --> 00:06:00,696
Oh, no, no, they don't have
a milkman, they get it from a shop.
102
00:06:11,696 --> 00:06:13,974
That's considerate of you.
What is?
103
00:06:13,976 --> 00:06:15,416
Spraying Mace on yourself.
104
00:06:18,656 --> 00:06:21,174
Right, have I got everything?
Keys, phone...
105
00:06:21,176 --> 00:06:23,454
Biscuit for the guide dog.
106
00:06:23,456 --> 00:06:24,934
She's not blind, actually.
107
00:06:24,936 --> 00:06:26,454
Elderly? No.
108
00:06:26,456 --> 00:06:28,774
Hunchback? No.
109
00:06:28,776 --> 00:06:30,534
Lesbian? No.
110
00:06:30,536 --> 00:06:32,694
That last one turned out to be
a lesbian.
111
00:06:32,696 --> 00:06:35,294
Yeah, but only AFTER
she went out with me.
112
00:06:35,296 --> 00:06:36,694
Prostitute?
113
00:06:36,696 --> 00:06:39,254
If she was a prostitute, why would
I be taking her out for dinner?
114
00:06:39,256 --> 00:06:42,096
I don't know. Maybe you've finally
found one who'll work for food.
115
00:06:44,416 --> 00:06:46,974
Oh, I tell you what, why don't you
meet the blind, lesbian,
116
00:06:46,976 --> 00:06:48,696
hunchback tart for yourself?
117
00:06:54,656 --> 00:06:58,974
What about this for the hen night?
It's The Thing.
118
00:06:58,976 --> 00:07:00,454
Nah, it's not right, is it?
119
00:07:00,456 --> 00:07:02,774
Plus, the husband-to-be
has got eczema,
120
00:07:02,776 --> 00:07:05,654
so it might look like
I'm mocking him.
121
00:07:05,656 --> 00:07:07,536
Just dropping Rachel off.
122
00:07:10,016 --> 00:07:12,294
Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
123
00:07:12,296 --> 00:07:13,696
What, like moisturise?
124
00:07:18,256 --> 00:07:20,494
Rachel, you look beautiful.
125
00:07:20,496 --> 00:07:22,214
You scrub up well yourself.
126
00:07:22,216 --> 00:07:25,654
Oh, it took more than a scrub.
Chisels were involved.
127
00:07:25,656 --> 00:07:27,054
This is my landlady, Lucy.
128
00:07:27,056 --> 00:07:28,414
Hi.
129
00:07:28,416 --> 00:07:31,694
Lucy's staying in on her own
tonight. Getting hammered.
130
00:07:31,696 --> 00:07:34,854
Ah, he's sweet.
Was it from your boyfriend?
131
00:07:34,856 --> 00:07:37,336
No. Just someone special.
132
00:07:40,096 --> 00:07:42,614
Sorry, look... I'm not treading
on anyone's toes here, am I?
133
00:07:42,616 --> 00:07:44,094
No, course not.
134
00:07:44,096 --> 00:07:45,414
I'm not the "someone special".
135
00:07:45,416 --> 00:07:48,454
I dunno, she hasn't seen you
eating yet.
136
00:07:48,456 --> 00:07:51,014
No, I'm definitely
in the "available" category.
137
00:07:51,016 --> 00:07:54,134
That's good, you're like me.
Young, free and single.
138
00:07:54,136 --> 00:07:56,774
Free - see? Not a prostitute.
139
00:07:56,776 --> 00:07:58,334
Sorry, private joke.
140
00:07:58,336 --> 00:08:00,734
Shall we go?
141
00:08:00,736 --> 00:08:04,376
Oh, actually, Rachel, I've left
my keys, I'll you see at the lift.
142
00:08:05,416 --> 00:08:07,734
What do you reckon, eh?
She's all right, isn't she?
143
00:08:07,736 --> 00:08:10,814
What does it matter what I think?
It doesn't.
144
00:08:10,816 --> 00:08:13,334
By the way, at this restaurant
you might find there's
145
00:08:13,336 --> 00:08:15,214
lots of different cutlery
on the table.
146
00:08:15,216 --> 00:08:17,894
Don't let it confuse you.
Just remember the simple rule:
147
00:08:17,896 --> 00:08:19,176
use the cutlery.
148
00:08:28,856 --> 00:08:30,496
18 quid for cheese?
149
00:08:31,656 --> 00:08:34,616
Where's it from the, moon?
150
00:08:36,456 --> 00:08:39,814
I hope you're not one of these people
that assumes the man has to pay for dinner.
151
00:08:39,816 --> 00:08:42,856
I hope you're not one of these women
who assumes I can.
152
00:09:03,416 --> 00:09:04,456
Same again.
153
00:09:08,376 --> 00:09:10,654
Have you decided
what you're having yet?
154
00:09:10,656 --> 00:09:14,014
Yes. I'll have the confit de canard,
please.
155
00:09:14,016 --> 00:09:15,816
Sir? Do you sell duck?
156
00:09:17,776 --> 00:09:19,656
That's what madam just ordered.
157
00:09:21,056 --> 00:09:23,614
Where I'm from, "canard"
is the answer to the question
158
00:09:23,616 --> 00:09:25,136
"How was your day at work?"
159
00:09:26,576 --> 00:09:29,334
All right, I'll have the same.
Entrees?
160
00:09:29,336 --> 00:09:31,536
It's up to you how you carry them,
mate.
161
00:09:38,016 --> 00:09:41,374
You don't come to places like this
much, do you?
162
00:09:41,376 --> 00:09:43,814
To be honest,
I'm more of a pie and chips man.
163
00:09:43,816 --> 00:09:47,414
Well, they do say breakfast is
the most important meal of the day.
164
00:09:47,416 --> 00:09:50,214
Well, I think it's nice
that you don't do this a lot.
165
00:09:50,216 --> 00:09:51,856
It makes me feel special.
166
00:09:53,336 --> 00:09:56,254
And this way I get to train you up.
167
00:09:56,256 --> 00:09:58,814
Even if does take a few sessions.
168
00:09:58,816 --> 00:10:00,854
Sounds like you want to see me
again. Why not?
169
00:10:00,856 --> 00:10:03,174
What are you doing tomorrow night?
170
00:10:03,176 --> 00:10:07,134
Blimey, and I thought this dating
malarkey was going to be... canard.
171
00:10:07,136 --> 00:10:11,974
Well, I don't believe in wasting time
when it comes to relationships.
172
00:10:11,976 --> 00:10:13,854
Relationships?
173
00:10:13,856 --> 00:10:16,334
Have you got one of those really
awful surnames
174
00:10:16,336 --> 00:10:18,534
you've been trying to get rid of
since you were a kid?
175
00:10:18,536 --> 00:10:20,776
Talking of which,
do you like children?
176
00:10:22,416 --> 00:10:24,694
Yeah, they're OK. Me, too.
177
00:10:24,696 --> 00:10:28,014
But I like elephants as well.
Doesn't mean I want one of me own.
178
00:10:28,016 --> 00:10:29,734
What if you met the right person?
179
00:10:29,736 --> 00:10:33,174
Yeah, but you've still got to
smuggle it out of the zoo, haven't you?
180
00:10:33,176 --> 00:10:35,974
So what do you reckon?
Tomorrow night?
181
00:10:35,976 --> 00:10:39,054
Well, shall we see how this date
goes first?
182
00:10:39,056 --> 00:10:42,254
We haven't even ordered pudding yet.
183
00:10:42,256 --> 00:10:46,574
Talking of which, I'm going
to have the fruits de mer.
184
00:10:46,576 --> 00:10:48,534
- It's...
- "Fruits."
185
00:10:48,536 --> 00:10:51,336
Is it? Good. Makes up for that
expensive cheese then, doesn't it?
186
00:11:01,816 --> 00:11:05,574
9.30.
You obviously didn't get lucky.
187
00:11:05,576 --> 00:11:07,174
I might have.
188
00:11:07,176 --> 00:11:10,174
Actually, 9.32 - maybe you did.
189
00:11:10,176 --> 00:11:12,334
So why are you back so early?
190
00:11:12,336 --> 00:11:14,414
I just fancied getting back,
that's all.
191
00:11:14,416 --> 00:11:16,014
Come on, what went wrong?
192
00:11:16,016 --> 00:11:20,254
Nothing. She was just a bit... odd,
that's all.
193
00:11:20,256 --> 00:11:22,814
Which is your way of saying
she never wants to see you again.
194
00:11:22,816 --> 00:11:25,814
Oh, she wants to see me all right.
Yeah, sure.
195
00:11:25,816 --> 00:11:28,334
You're not by any chance jealous,
are you, Lucy?
196
00:11:28,336 --> 00:11:31,414
I'm not jealous. I just want to know
what went wrong, that's all.
197
00:11:31,416 --> 00:11:34,454
Nothing went wrong.
I just said she was a bit odd.
198
00:11:34,456 --> 00:11:36,774
But that's fine.
Odd things can be good.
199
00:11:36,776 --> 00:11:38,414
For example?
200
00:11:38,416 --> 00:11:40,016
Bill Oddie.
201
00:11:41,016 --> 00:11:42,416
He was a Goodie.
202
00:11:43,656 --> 00:11:47,414
And like you, he has to hide
in a hedge to get close to a bird.
203
00:11:47,416 --> 00:11:49,854
Well, that's where
you're wrong actually.
204
00:11:49,856 --> 00:11:52,134
Because I'm going to be seeing
Rachel again.
205
00:11:52,136 --> 00:11:56,294
Oh. In fact, I think Rachel's really
nice. She might be a keeper.
206
00:11:56,296 --> 00:11:58,376
Well, she did have fairly big hands.
207
00:11:59,496 --> 00:12:01,614
So, when's this next date?
208
00:12:01,616 --> 00:12:04,414
Actually I'm going to ask her out
again tomorrow night.
209
00:12:04,416 --> 00:12:07,094
You're asking her out again
tomorrow?
210
00:12:07,096 --> 00:12:09,374
She's going to think you're weird.
No, she won't.
211
00:12:09,376 --> 00:12:13,496
Trust me. Only a complete freak
would ask someone out two nights in a row.
212
00:12:21,536 --> 00:12:25,254
So... you went for the same
restaurant. The same table.
213
00:12:25,256 --> 00:12:28,174
Well, I think
when you find something you like,
214
00:12:28,176 --> 00:12:31,534
you should hold on to it.
Why change?
215
00:12:31,536 --> 00:12:34,096
Yeah, I have the same approach
to underwear.
216
00:12:36,336 --> 00:12:38,934
Do you believe in love
at first sight?
217
00:12:38,936 --> 00:12:42,416
No, but I believe in slightly
intimidated at first sight.
218
00:12:50,576 --> 00:12:52,454
I do!
219
00:12:52,456 --> 00:12:56,054
What? I haven't asked you anything.
Believe in love at first sight.
220
00:12:56,056 --> 00:12:57,296
Oh.
221
00:13:11,776 --> 00:13:13,134
What you doing?
222
00:13:13,136 --> 00:13:16,734
Oh, nothing.
You'll think I'm a bit eccentric.
223
00:13:16,736 --> 00:13:18,934
Oh, of course not.
A bit eccentric?
224
00:13:18,936 --> 00:13:20,296
You must be mental.
225
00:13:21,936 --> 00:13:25,734
It's just a little scrapbook I've
been keeping of our relationship.
226
00:13:25,736 --> 00:13:29,694
There's a hair from your jacket
from the first night we met.
227
00:13:29,696 --> 00:13:34,654
And that's one of your eyelashes
from last night.
228
00:13:34,656 --> 00:13:38,054
Great. All you need now is a bit of
wax from my ear and a couple
229
00:13:38,056 --> 00:13:42,014
of toenail clippings and you'll
have a fully working voodoo doll.
230
00:13:42,016 --> 00:13:44,936
And this is a picture
I drew of the two of us together.
231
00:13:50,056 --> 00:13:53,014
Are you OK, Lee? Listen, Rachel.
232
00:13:53,016 --> 00:13:57,174
Erm... I think you might have been
getting hold of the wrong end of the stick.
233
00:13:57,176 --> 00:14:00,374
In fact you might be better off
not touching the stick at all.
234
00:14:00,376 --> 00:14:02,934
Are you trying to tell me something,
Lee?
235
00:14:02,936 --> 00:14:06,534
I just think we should have a...
different sort of relationship.
236
00:14:06,536 --> 00:14:08,534
What kind of relationship?
237
00:14:08,536 --> 00:14:09,736
Pen pals?
238
00:14:11,056 --> 00:14:14,174
Are you breaking up with me?
No. Yes.
239
00:14:14,176 --> 00:14:16,534
Well, we weren't really together,
were we?
240
00:14:16,536 --> 00:14:19,134
I mean, we haven't even, you know...
241
00:14:19,136 --> 00:14:20,656
Oh, thank God we didn't.
242
00:14:21,896 --> 00:14:25,494
I know what this is about.
It's your landlady, Lucy.
243
00:14:25,496 --> 00:14:28,934
There's something going on
between you two, isn't there?
244
00:14:28,936 --> 00:14:30,134
No, there isn't.
245
00:14:30,136 --> 00:14:34,054
That's why you took me round there
to meet her on our first date.
246
00:14:34,056 --> 00:14:37,854
You were just using me
to get Lucy jealous, weren't you?
247
00:14:37,856 --> 00:14:39,014
Well...
248
00:14:39,016 --> 00:14:43,654
Well, maybe I should make
a little telephone call to Lucy.
249
00:14:43,656 --> 00:14:44,854
What?
250
00:14:44,856 --> 00:14:49,496
Maybe she deserves to know all about
these secret strong feelings.
251
00:14:52,056 --> 00:14:56,816
And what kind of manipulative man
you really are.
252
00:15:00,376 --> 00:15:02,934
Will you be requiring
the cheeseboard later?
253
00:15:02,936 --> 00:15:05,096
Or is sir getting "just desserts"?
254
00:15:17,056 --> 00:15:20,096
Open this door now!
255
00:15:27,456 --> 00:15:30,294
Are you looking for a tin
of sweetcorn?
256
00:15:30,296 --> 00:15:32,734
I'm the Incredible Hulk.
What do you think?
257
00:15:32,736 --> 00:15:35,534
I thought you were Catwoman?
Why do you keep changing your mind?
258
00:15:35,536 --> 00:15:37,254
Well, Fiona Watts is going
as Catwoman.
259
00:15:37,256 --> 00:15:39,254
I was a little bit angry
about that, actually.
260
00:15:39,256 --> 00:15:40,456
Yeah, so I can see.
261
00:15:41,736 --> 00:15:44,614
So, erm, how's it going with Rachel?
262
00:15:44,616 --> 00:15:46,894
I hear you've been getting
quite close.
263
00:15:46,896 --> 00:15:48,414
You could say that.
264
00:15:48,416 --> 00:15:50,734
Yeah? How close?
Wedding-bells close?
265
00:15:50,736 --> 00:15:54,494
More like Glenn Close.
She's a loony.
266
00:15:54,496 --> 00:15:57,454
She's threatening to say some
nonsense about me liking Lucy.
267
00:15:57,456 --> 00:15:58,974
Why did you let me go out with her?
268
00:15:58,976 --> 00:16:03,054
Did you not notice any small signs
that she might just be a little bit unhinged?
269
00:16:03,056 --> 00:16:04,974
No.
270
00:16:04,976 --> 00:16:06,734
I mean, there was one thing
she said,
271
00:16:06,736 --> 00:16:09,134
but I thought nothing
of it at the time.
272
00:16:09,136 --> 00:16:10,174
What?
273
00:16:10,176 --> 00:16:13,174
She said,
"I'm a very emotional woman.
274
00:16:13,176 --> 00:16:15,414
"When I love, I love with
all my heart,
275
00:16:15,416 --> 00:16:18,496
"but when I hate, woe betide anyone
who stands in my way."
276
00:16:20,776 --> 00:16:22,494
And you didn't think anything of it?
277
00:16:22,496 --> 00:16:24,134
No. I'd have forgotten all about it
278
00:16:24,136 --> 00:16:27,014
if it wasn't for something else
that she said.
279
00:16:27,016 --> 00:16:30,134
She said that her last boyfriend
turned out to be a total bastard
280
00:16:30,136 --> 00:16:33,734
and he betrayed her, and now she
will never ever forgive him,
281
00:16:33,736 --> 00:16:36,336
not until he has rotted away
in his grave.
282
00:16:37,736 --> 00:16:40,694
Well, I can see why
you didn't bother to mention it.
283
00:16:40,696 --> 00:16:43,174
Exactly. I mean,
I wouldn't even mention it now...
284
00:16:43,176 --> 00:16:45,574
if it wasn't for something
else that she said.
285
00:16:45,576 --> 00:16:47,094
Oh, good God.
286
00:16:47,096 --> 00:16:51,654
She said, "Your friend Lee,
I think he might be the one.
287
00:16:51,656 --> 00:16:56,014
"And if he isn't and if
he ever does anything to hurt me,
288
00:16:56,016 --> 00:17:00,974
"I will make sure that his life is
not worth an old cigarette stub.
289
00:17:00,976 --> 00:17:05,456
"Not worth an old cigarette stub."
290
00:17:12,256 --> 00:17:15,456
It's funny, isn't it, how these
things turn out to be significant.
291
00:17:25,256 --> 00:17:26,814
Oh, I'll get that.
292
00:17:26,816 --> 00:17:29,134
Probably just one of those
automated sales calls,
293
00:17:29,136 --> 00:17:30,376
not worth bothering with.
294
00:17:32,096 --> 00:17:35,574
Salesperson. Have I been involved
in an accident recently?
295
00:17:35,576 --> 00:17:38,056
No, but if you phone back
in a couple of days...
296
00:17:39,456 --> 00:17:41,696
Nothing to worry about... Argh!
297
00:17:42,936 --> 00:17:44,854
Look who's dropped in. Hello, Lee.
298
00:17:44,856 --> 00:17:47,574
Hello, Rachel.
What are you doing here?
299
00:17:47,576 --> 00:17:49,176
Just popped by to say hello.
300
00:17:50,416 --> 00:17:51,456
Hello.
301
00:17:53,176 --> 00:17:57,334
Oh, yes - and there was something
I wanted to tell Lucy.
302
00:17:57,336 --> 00:18:00,534
Remember? What's that?
I don't know.
303
00:18:00,536 --> 00:18:04,254
Yes, you do - we talked about it
just before I left the restaurant.
304
00:18:04,256 --> 00:18:07,934
In fact, I was in such a rush
I can't even remember
305
00:18:07,936 --> 00:18:09,614
when we arranged our next date?
306
00:18:09,616 --> 00:18:11,294
We didn't.
307
00:18:11,296 --> 00:18:14,534
Sorry, Rachel,
what is it you wanted to tell me?
308
00:18:14,536 --> 00:18:17,494
That Lee has very strong feelings...
309
00:18:17,496 --> 00:18:21,296
Hang on, I remember now.
Our next date is next week.
310
00:18:22,696 --> 00:18:24,414
Lee has very strong...
311
00:18:24,416 --> 00:18:26,136
I mean the day after tomorrow.
312
00:18:27,176 --> 00:18:30,614
Lee has very... Tomorrow!
313
00:18:30,616 --> 00:18:33,374
Lee has...
The day before tomorrow.
314
00:18:33,376 --> 00:18:35,294
Which is today.
315
00:18:35,296 --> 00:18:37,374
Our next date is today.
316
00:18:37,376 --> 00:18:40,774
Blimey! Careful, Lee,
you don't want to seem desperate!
317
00:18:40,776 --> 00:18:43,216
Oh, but I am. Very desperate.
318
00:18:44,256 --> 00:18:47,174
Come on, Rachel,
what is it you wanted to say to me?
319
00:18:47,176 --> 00:18:54,214
I just wanted to say that Lee
has very strong feelings about...
320
00:18:54,216 --> 00:18:56,894
me. And was worried about telling you
321
00:18:56,896 --> 00:19:00,294
because he thought you might think
he was rushing in to things.
322
00:19:00,296 --> 00:19:03,176
Doesn't affect me.
That's what I said you'd say.
323
00:19:04,536 --> 00:19:08,176
I'll see you later,
my little chimpanzee.
324
00:19:09,496 --> 00:19:12,256
Mmm....
325
00:19:15,216 --> 00:19:17,494
Haven't you got a name for me yet?
326
00:19:17,496 --> 00:19:19,814
Oh, loads.
327
00:19:19,816 --> 00:19:24,014
My little... hamster.
328
00:19:24,016 --> 00:19:25,494
Aw, that's so sweet!
329
00:19:25,496 --> 00:19:27,494
Well, you're cute and fluffy
330
00:19:27,496 --> 00:19:29,816
and you should be in a cage.
331
00:19:42,256 --> 00:19:44,494
You've hardly eaten a thing.
332
00:19:44,496 --> 00:19:46,814
You've got to keep your strength up,
Lee.
333
00:19:46,816 --> 00:19:49,814
You know what they say about
third dates, don't you?
334
00:19:49,816 --> 00:19:52,214
Of course I do. That's the one
they say traditionally
335
00:19:52,216 --> 00:19:55,694
is where you find out your
girlfriend's a psychopath.
336
00:19:55,696 --> 00:19:59,214
No, they say that's the one
where most dates finally
337
00:19:59,216 --> 00:20:01,614
consummate their relationship.
338
00:20:01,616 --> 00:20:05,056
Ooh! Awkward fumblings as I try
and undo the straitjacket.
339
00:20:06,176 --> 00:20:09,534
Why won't you just listen
to your heart, Lee?
340
00:20:09,536 --> 00:20:12,816
I can't hear it,
me brain's doing too much screaming.
341
00:20:14,016 --> 00:20:16,774
We're in love. Stop fighting it.
342
00:20:16,776 --> 00:20:20,694
Rachel, I hardly know you.
And I don't want to get to know you.
343
00:20:20,696 --> 00:20:23,494
I am only here because you
threatened to tell Lucy I like her.
344
00:20:23,496 --> 00:20:26,256
What part of that makes you think
that I love you?
345
00:20:28,016 --> 00:20:30,454
I think you should move in with me.
346
00:20:30,456 --> 00:20:31,774
Oh, what a great idea.
347
00:20:31,776 --> 00:20:36,054
Unfortunately it's against my
religion to move in with someone outside marriage.
348
00:20:36,056 --> 00:20:39,976
Oh, my God! I can't believe
what you're asking me!
349
00:20:43,256 --> 00:20:44,774
What?
350
00:20:44,776 --> 00:20:47,454
The answer's yes.
351
00:20:47,456 --> 00:20:49,174
I haven't asked you anything yet.
352
00:20:49,176 --> 00:20:51,294
The answer's still yes.
353
00:20:51,296 --> 00:20:55,216
Oh, good, cos the question was,
are you a completely mental bitch?
354
00:20:56,376 --> 00:20:58,174
That's no way to speak to someone
355
00:20:58,176 --> 00:21:00,734
you want to spend
the rest of your life with.
356
00:21:00,736 --> 00:21:03,254
I don't want to spend the rest
of my life with you, Rachel.
357
00:21:03,256 --> 00:21:04,734
I'm not here to make plans,
358
00:21:04,736 --> 00:21:06,774
I'm here to tell you
that this has got to stop.
359
00:21:06,776 --> 00:21:08,694
It is like living through
Fatal Attraction.
360
00:21:08,696 --> 00:21:10,774
In fact it is worse than
Fatal Attraction -
361
00:21:10,776 --> 00:21:14,016
at least Michael Douglas
got a blowjob in the lift first.
362
00:21:16,936 --> 00:21:19,334
I don't know what your problem is,
Lee.
363
00:21:19,336 --> 00:21:22,254
We love each other. You're free.
364
00:21:22,256 --> 00:21:23,814
I'm free.
365
00:21:23,816 --> 00:21:26,816
Actually, I'm not free.
366
00:21:28,296 --> 00:21:29,654
What?
367
00:21:29,656 --> 00:21:34,054
You were right. I was doing all this
just to get Lucy jealous.
368
00:21:34,056 --> 00:21:36,534
And guess what? It worked.
369
00:21:36,536 --> 00:21:38,734
What are you talking about?
370
00:21:38,736 --> 00:21:41,494
Me and Lucy. We're a couple now.
371
00:21:41,496 --> 00:21:43,694
It happened this afternoon
after you left.
372
00:21:43,696 --> 00:21:46,854
And she knows everything,
so you may as well leave me alone.
373
00:21:46,856 --> 00:21:48,894
You're lying.
374
00:21:48,896 --> 00:21:50,096
OK.
375
00:21:51,856 --> 00:21:52,936
Phone her.
376
00:22:06,456 --> 00:22:08,096
Will you be needing the high chair?
377
00:22:13,376 --> 00:22:14,536
Well?
378
00:22:17,576 --> 00:22:20,536
Why would I want to
phone your precious girlfriend?
379
00:22:21,896 --> 00:22:24,096
You will be sorry for this.
380
00:22:27,696 --> 00:22:30,776
Oi! You have just ruined
the two most expensive things I've ever bought!
381
00:22:42,856 --> 00:22:46,814
I still don't see what visiting
Rachel's ex-boyfriend will achieve.
382
00:22:46,816 --> 00:22:51,494
I just want to know what
I'm up against, that's all.
383
00:22:51,496 --> 00:22:52,934
Who is it?
384
00:22:52,936 --> 00:22:55,174
Hello, Paul. My name's Lee.
385
00:22:55,176 --> 00:22:58,416
I want to talk to you
about your ex-girlfriend Rachel.
386
00:23:15,656 --> 00:23:18,776
Do you know what? I think
you've answered my question.
387
00:23:33,536 --> 00:23:34,896
Oi!
388
00:23:36,136 --> 00:23:38,214
Where's MC Hammer?
389
00:23:38,216 --> 00:23:40,934
Have you tried the staff room
at Argos?
390
00:23:40,936 --> 00:23:43,814
What have you done
with my toy hammer?
391
00:23:43,816 --> 00:23:45,334
I haven't done anything with him.
392
00:23:45,336 --> 00:23:48,254
Well, he was in my bed when I woke
up this morning and now he's gone.
393
00:23:48,256 --> 00:23:50,336
Well, once these types
get what they want.
394
00:23:51,576 --> 00:23:53,454
Are you cooking?
What do you mean?
395
00:23:53,456 --> 00:23:55,496
Something we do in the south
before eating.
396
00:24:01,136 --> 00:24:03,536
Have you been in all night? Yeah.
397
00:24:05,136 --> 00:24:09,454
Apart from when I went to
one of the neighbours' to pick up a parcel that had been delivered.
398
00:24:09,456 --> 00:24:11,334
Did you lock the door?
399
00:24:11,336 --> 00:24:13,254
No.
400
00:24:13,256 --> 00:24:15,294
I only thought I was going to be
gone for a minute
401
00:24:15,296 --> 00:24:18,014
but we got chatting about the parcel
because it was so heavy.
402
00:24:18,016 --> 00:24:19,696
Why did you order
so many door chains?
403
00:24:35,296 --> 00:24:37,094
How could you do this?
404
00:24:37,096 --> 00:24:39,374
What? You want the recipe?
405
00:24:39,376 --> 00:24:40,696
I didn't do it.
406
00:24:42,296 --> 00:24:44,654
It was Rachel. Rachel?
407
00:24:44,656 --> 00:24:48,454
I found out she was a bit bonkers,
so I finished with her
408
00:24:48,456 --> 00:24:51,174
and now she wants revenge on me.
409
00:24:51,176 --> 00:24:53,656
Well, us.
410
00:24:55,176 --> 00:24:59,814
I kind of pretended me and you
had got together.
411
00:24:59,816 --> 00:25:03,696
You dumped a dangerous lunatic
by telling her it was all my fault?
412
00:25:05,896 --> 00:25:07,574
Yes.
413
00:25:07,576 --> 00:25:09,494
Go to the police, now.
414
00:25:09,496 --> 00:25:12,574
I don't think I can until
an explicit threat's been made.
415
00:25:12,576 --> 00:25:17,376
OK. Lee, go to the police
or I'll punch you in the bollocks.
416
00:25:34,336 --> 00:25:36,936
I think she's behind
the walk-in wardrobe.
417
00:25:38,056 --> 00:25:39,296
That's a shower.
418
00:25:53,176 --> 00:25:54,536
Ahh!
419
00:25:56,056 --> 00:25:57,856
Get her out of my bathroom.
420
00:25:59,016 --> 00:26:01,414
How? I don't know.
421
00:26:01,416 --> 00:26:04,176
I could use the toilet,
that usually shifts you.
422
00:26:08,696 --> 00:26:10,254
Is that your weapon?
423
00:26:10,256 --> 00:26:12,416
Would you want to be touched by it?
424
00:26:13,776 --> 00:26:15,814
What are you doing in here, Rachel?
425
00:26:15,816 --> 00:26:20,294
I've decided if I can't have you,
Lee, then no-one can.
426
00:26:20,296 --> 00:26:24,854
There's a solution - no-one has him.
Well done.
427
00:26:24,856 --> 00:26:26,414
Good stalking.
428
00:26:26,416 --> 00:26:27,894
I'm not a stalker.
429
00:26:27,896 --> 00:26:31,334
Come on. You did a Fatal Attraction
job on the toy hammer.
430
00:26:31,336 --> 00:26:33,814
A Single White Female
by turning up in the flat.
431
00:26:33,816 --> 00:26:35,294
What are you going to do next?
432
00:26:35,296 --> 00:26:37,574
Tie him to the bed and break
his ankles with a lump hammer?
433
00:26:37,576 --> 00:26:40,216
What? Kathy Bates in Misery.
434
00:26:41,576 --> 00:26:43,456
Oh, yeah, I've seen that film.
435
00:26:44,696 --> 00:26:49,174
Would you mind not chipping in
with suggestions, please?
436
00:26:49,176 --> 00:26:53,214
You made a big mistake,
choosing Lucy over me.
437
00:26:53,216 --> 00:26:55,974
I told you you'd regret it.
438
00:26:55,976 --> 00:27:00,856
And don't bother screaming for help.
No-one can save you now.
439
00:27:04,936 --> 00:27:09,294
This isn't how you treat
the people you love, Lee.
440
00:27:09,296 --> 00:27:11,416
I'm not your little plaything.
441
00:27:12,616 --> 00:27:16,894
You can't just decide you want
to have a relationship with me
442
00:27:16,896 --> 00:27:18,574
and then whenever you feel like it
443
00:27:18,576 --> 00:27:20,536
just knock the whole thing
on the head!
444
00:27:33,376 --> 00:27:37,414
Ta-da! It's me, it's Daisy!
445
00:27:37,416 --> 00:27:40,256
Now, be honest.
Does my bum look big in this?
446
00:27:50,776 --> 00:27:53,134
Well, it's been a pretty
traumatic week,
447
00:27:53,136 --> 00:27:56,814
but at least it proves when it comes
to women, I've still got it.
448
00:27:56,816 --> 00:27:58,334
You heard what the policeman said.
449
00:27:58,336 --> 00:28:01,334
Rachel could have just as easily
formed that attachment
450
00:28:01,336 --> 00:28:04,134
to a mannequin in a shop window
or a filthy, diseased tramp.
451
00:28:04,136 --> 00:28:07,136
It's got nothing to do with you
that she chose the latter.
452
00:28:08,256 --> 00:28:11,094
Thanks, Lucy, for letting me
get ready in your bedroom.
453
00:28:11,096 --> 00:28:14,414
I really hate rushing.
It always make me feel like I've forgotten something.
454
00:28:14,416 --> 00:28:16,894
Where are you going?
On the hen night.
455
00:28:16,896 --> 00:28:18,774
I thought you were going
as Wonder Woman.
456
00:28:18,776 --> 00:28:21,614
Oh, yeah. I changed my mind again.
457
00:28:21,616 --> 00:28:23,174
Is it a bird?
458
00:28:23,176 --> 00:28:24,694
Is it a plane?
459
00:28:24,696 --> 00:28:27,576
No, it's Superman!
460
00:28:32,496 --> 00:28:34,696
I knew I'd forgotten something.36889
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