Original subtitles

Lucy, quick! I've just seen your dad's car outside.

We've just got time to jump out the window

before he comes up and starts boring the arse off us. Hello, Geoffrey!

I was just saying how you'd probably come up and...

bore... the arse... off us.

I should've changed it to something nice that time, shouldn't I?

Should I go out and come in again?

Don't be silly. There's absolutely no need to come in again.

Sorry, Wendy. I wasn't expecting to find such a beautiful woman in my kitchen. I was thrown.

You'll be thrown again if you keep trying it on with my wife.

I wasn't trying it on. I was just saying that when I see Wendy,

it makes me want to do rude things.

MILF? Milk!

Can we just carry on with our conversation

about Lucy's struggling business, please?

Can we please not? I'm a fully-grown woman.

Just hear us out.

Now you remember my old golfing partner, Archie Meadows?

Owns the Balamont Hotel?

He told me he's hosting a networking type thingy, starting tonight.

Ideal chance for you hook some new clients.

"Association of Business and Trade Taskforces".

Three-day annual trade conference.

Actually, that does sound quite interesting.

And yet to you, "International Darts from Lakeside" sounds boring.

We could come along with you and help with introductions if you like.

Will you please both stop treating me like a child?

No, no, no. Lucy's right. We can't tag along.

We'll let you get ready and stop interfering.

It starts at eight so you need to plan to get there at least half an hour earlier,

and seeing as it's Friday traffic, you need to add extra journey time.

So we'll order you a cab for six.

If that's you stopping, I'd hate to see you interfering with me.

Don't!

Is that it then, Geoffrey? No career tips for me?

What would be the point?

Yeah, I know. It'd be like giving golfing tips to a man with no arms.

No, a man with no arms is incapable of playing golf.

Your case would be like giving golfing tips

to a man that's perfectly capable of playing golf

but chooses to spend his time in idleness and frivolity

and leaves the golfing to everyone else.

Mine was catchier.

How did it go at the conference? Hook any new clients?

I didn't hook anything. I'm useless.

Don't say that. You're an excellent hooker.

Oh, well. There's still two days left of the conference.

I suppose. And desperate times mean desperate measures.

What's that? Nothing.

You put something on your finger. What finger?

That finger. Oh. It was my grandmother's.

I wondered why it was so wrinkled and knobbly.

Why did you put a ring on it?

Since you ask, it's a wedding ring.

Sometimes at these sorts of events, I pretend to be married.

It's a way of setting boundaries

if it's men I'm trying to get contracts from.

What do you mean, boundaries?

It's just that sometimes I do what might be described as... flirting.

And this lets them know that there's a limit to how far the flirting goes.

In fact, I'm a terrible liar so I've had to invent a husband in my head.

Who is it? You!

It saves having to think of a back-story,

so I just tell them his name is Lee. He even looks like you.

Well, a bit more buff and a bit less scruff.

Congratulations, my dear lodger.

You have been my husband for the last two years.

Well, I've heard of arranged marriages,

but even then you're supposed to find out before the wedding.

You could have asked me first! OK, fine.

Lee, please will you be my meaningless, fake,

fictitious, made-up, bogus husband of convenience?

My, God! This is all so sudden I don't know what to say(!)

Just so you know, I don't agree with sex until after we're married.

Oh, hang on, that was two years ago!

You've got a lot of back payments to make!

I can't believe you're using me like this.

It's just make-believe.

But the other blokes don't know that, do they?

They think they get the glad eye while I'm sat at home like an idiot.

Lee, they don't know you and you'll never meet them.

So it doesn't matter.

Is that right?

So if I'd have spent two years telling my mates back up North

that I'd been having sex with my landlady Lucy,

that would have been all right, because you've never met them?

I might start telling them that I pay my rent in sexual favours.

I try to stay on top, but sometimes I end up behind.

It's just a bit of harmless flirting.

It's exactly what you do with my mum!

That is different. That is called charm.

What I do is just as innocent as what you do.

Just because you flirt with my mother,

it doesn't mean you've actually thought about sleeping with her.

So I said, "Listen, Branson.

"If you can't do it for 20 mil I don't want the contract!"

Hello, Lucy Adams. I really enjoyed your talk in there... Eddie Ackland.

I thought you presented very well.

Thank you, Lucy Adams. You don't present too badly yourself.

In fact, I feel that my own skills in graduate recruitment

could be a real asset to your business.

Are you always this forward, Lucy Adams?

Only with men that catch my eye.

Only in a business sense, obviously.

Obviously. You're a married woman, I can see that.

Yes, but just because a dog's chained up,

doesn't mean you can't stroke it.

Well, maybe we should go and sit down over there and see

if there's anything we can offer each other. OK, let's talk shop.

This shop is always open to pretty ladies.

Ding-a-ling!

Hello, sweetheart!

Watch me wife's hands, mate. She's a kleptomaniac.

Always sticking Curly Wurlys down her gusset,

aren't you, my little Winona Ryder?

How did you get in here, darling?

I've got a pass. Look, there's my name on the front.

And there's the Coco Pops monkey on the back.

Oh no, my mistake. It's you as a baby before they shaved you.

All right, I made a pass.

Sorry about that. Never a good idea to make a pass.

Is it, mate?

Anyway, it's been a pleasure to meet you, Mrs Adams, Mr Adams.

What the hell are you doing here?

I am stopping my wife from flirting behind my back

and making me look like an idiot.

But they don't know you, you cretin!

But what about when they bump into us when we're together

somewhere like the supermarket?

That's when it gets embarrassing for me. Embarrassing for you?

You're not the one who has to walk round Waitrose next to a man wearing pyjama bottoms.

They were velour leisure trousers

in an easy-on-the-eye Cath Kidston design.

Lee, I'm desperate. I need these contracts.

Fine. Just don't flirt behind your "husband's" back.

OK. I'll flirt in front of my "husband's" face.

What's a handsome man like you doing standing on his own?

Careful, darling. Let's not forget there's children involved.

No, there aren't. There will be if he stands any closer.

Well, I thoroughly enjoyed that.

We don't have enough nights out as a couple.

We should do it more often. Don't even talk to me.

You know the best thing about having a row, don't you?

Is it the bit afterwards, where I kick you really hard in the bollocks?

What's your problem?

You started this whole marriage boundary thing.

I was just playing my part as the faithful husband.

Oh, you played your part, all right. Telling people we had four kids!

Stop shouting, you know it upsets them!

They don't exist!

And you wonder why they wet the bed.

Look, sorry. I was on a roll. It was a spur of the moment thing.

If it was a spur of the moment thing, how come you had photos of them in your wallet?

On the way out I saw a picture of them in the Sainsbury's magazine, so I cut it out.

So that's how I came to be mother to Jamie Oliver's children.

If you ever turn up like that again I will kill you.

And if you keep treating me like the cuckold husband

whilst you flirt with other men, I will keep turning up.

Fine. You win, then. I now declare this marriage over.

May I kiss the divorcee? No. But I tell you what you can kiss.

What? Your ring?

It feels good to be single again. Like a huge pressure has gone away.

Good. Me too. It's just a shame you won't be able to use your flirting techniques any more.

Oh, yes I can. I need those clients.

What about the boundaries? Well, there aren't any anymore.

I'm going back there tomorrow single, angry and desperate.

Same as your profile on Match.com.

Oh. Hello, Wendy. Hello, Lee. Have you got five minutes?

Five minutes? Blimey, won't once be enough?

Sorry, that was just a joke.

About... being bad at... sex.

Not you, I mean me.

I'm sure you're very good at it.

Oh, for the love of...

You're like the shopkeeper from Mr Benn.

If you're looking for Lucy, she's at the conference.

I know. She won't be back till later.

Yeah, I know that as well.

Greta Garbo's nipples were made of Spam.

You didn't see that one coming, did you?

It was you we wanted to see, Lee.

We wanted the low-down on how Lucy's getting on at the conference.

If we ask her directly she'll tell us to stop interfering.

She's not doing very well, I'm afraid.

I don't know what's the matter with that girl.

Sometimes I think she needs a rocket up her backside.

We were hoping this conference would turn Lucy's fortunes on its head.

In that case, she needs a Catherine wheel up her backside.

Maybe we should just turn up and see if we can do anything to help.

No, Lucy's right. We have to let her stand on her own two feet.

I just wish she'd go to these sort of events and make some noise.

Banger up her backside? No, that's wrong.

At least if you're making remarks like that about my daughter

you're not making them to my wife.

Well, let us know if you hear anything, Lee.

You know me, Wendy, I'm always happy to give it to you straight.

That wasn't one!

If you're looking for Lucy, she's at the conference.

Yeah, I know. She won't be back till later.

Yeah, I know that as well.

Great Garbo's nipples were made of Spam.

Yeah, I know they were.

Lucy told me about you turning up yesterday.

You know, you can hardly blame her for using her flirting skills to get what she wants.

Whenever I want something from a man I just bite on my bottom lip

and flutter my eyelashes and men come running.

What, to defibrillate you?

Don't be disgusting.

So, you're not going to keep an eye on her then, "Mr Husband"?

Try putting an "ex" in front of husband.

Xusband?

Yeah, you're right, it's difficult.

I mean me and Lucy, we got a quickie divorce.

Oh. Well, I'm not surprised.

She told me she'd rather be married to Dr Crippen. Oh, nice.

Well, it's fair enough, you know how much GPs get paid.

So, she's gone back to the conference YFAS?

What?

YFAS. Young, free and single.

And if you don't do something about it, YBS.

WTF are you talking about?

YBS. You'll be sorry.

Oh, I see.

OIC? What does that stand for?

It stands for, "Oh, I see".

Oh... I see.

Look, get back to the conference and fight for that relationship.

What?

Now that Lucy's on the rebound she might take that flirting up a notch.

She told me on the phone

that she would do anything to get a deal tonight.

I think she might just need saving from herself.

That's it, Lee. Get that marriage back on track.

Stand up and tell Lucy how you feel.

Oh, it's like that bit at the end of Notting Hill.

I don't think you understand, Daisy. It was a made-up relationship.

Uh, yes, thank you, Lee. I'm not a complete idiot.

I think I know how a film works.

Hi, I'm Lucy.

John Varcey, AGR Enterprises. So, who are you with, Lucy?

No-one. Absolutely no-one.

At all. You're not with a company then?

Are you one of the waitresses?

No. I meant I'm a one woman operation.

I do everything for myself.

And, erm, personally I'm single too,

which means I do all that stuff by myself as well.

Can I get you a drink?

So you are one of the...? I'm not a waitress!

I'm a recruitment consultant and I'm here to tell you

that whatever you're after, I can give it to you.

As it happens, I intend on investing heavily in recruitment this year.

I'll tell you what, Miss Adams, I've just got to spend a penny,

but then when I get back,

why don't we talk about me spending lots more pennies on you?

Sorry, that's not some sort of sex fetish thing, is it?

No. Of course it's not.

Ever had the feeling of deja vu?

No. Ever had that feeling of... IMITATES CANTONESE

You give me French, I'll come straight back at you with Cantonese.

Look, I've just come to apologise about yesterday.

Give me another chance, tell everyone we're married. No!

My single woman flirting technique is really working on this guy.

He's a big player. So just leave, right now. Please.

I can't. I think you might need saving from yourself.

What are you doing?

Put this ring on your finger. It's for your own good.

Get off me, you lunatic.

Just marry me, you mad cow, before you do something you'll regret.

Stop it! He'll be back any second, he's only popped to the toilet.

Has he now? I wonder what for? For a great big box of condoms, Lee.

I'm going to take it in turns to have sex with all the men in the room,

in alphabetical order.

Sorry, Mr Ziegbo. You might want to pop out and come back later.

Oh, hello. John Varcey. And you are?

Lee Adams. With an "A", which is well before a "V".

I see.

Sorry, John. Have you not met? This is my... dad.

"Dad"?

I'm sorry, father. He's very traditional, very set in his ways.

Sorry to be rude and talk about ages,

but how does that work exactly?

That is a good question.

Well, I'm 29 and he's...46.

So you were 17 when Lucy was born? He's from the North.

I know, he left it quite late, didn't he?

Well... erm... let me get you a drink, Mr Adams.

Beer? Wine?

Oh. Just a Horlicks, if they've got it.

What the hell are you doing? What am I doing?

What are you doing saying I'm your dad?

I had to say something, I told him I was single.

Compulsive liars don't really get business contracts, I don't know if you've heard. Just leave.

No.

OK, but if you don't play along with this and you tell him

I was lying, you won't be my dad, you won't be my husband,

and more importantly, you won't be my lodger either.

You're not too old to go over my knee, young lady.

Sorry, Mr Adams. No hot drinks, I'm afraid.

That's all right. I'll have one later.

It'll help pass the time when I'm going up to the bedroom on my stair-lift.

You know, I admire you, Mr Adams.

To have a child at just 17 and yet still raise this confident, assured, beautiful woman.

You've done an amazing job.

If you could offer some advice to other men, what would it be?

Stop looking at my daughter's tits.

Sorry about my father, John. He's very protective of me, aren't you, Dad?

Especially after my experience with my ex-husband.

Do you remember my ex-husband, Dad? He was a total arse, wasn't he?

He wasn't that bad.

Oh, he was. Interfering, controlling... and what a slob!

The amount of time I spent picking his pants off the bathroom floor.

I know the sort. Never put the toilet lid down after he peed.

I was lucky if he lifted the toilet lid before he peed.

Why I ever married him I will never know.

Well, there is a theory that women go for men

that remind them of their fathers.

Her ex-husband was like you, was he? Peas in a pod.

Yeah, peas in a pod, but then doesn't put the lid down.

Hello. Mum!

Lee?

Hello... darling.

Still magic, after all these years.

Are you drunk?

Yes.

Lee, you shouldn't even be here, let alone half-cut.

Women, hey?

"Don't drink", "clean out the attic", "stop grabbing my... arse".

Mum, what are you doing here?

I'm sorry, darling, I couldn't resist popping in to see

if there's anyone you needed me to introduce you to.

Anyone else going to suddenly turn up? My long lost twin?

The doctor who performed my sex change?

That was a joke, I've always been a man.

WOMAN!

So you're Lucy's mother?

Now, don't do the old charmer line and say you thought we were sisters.

Why the hell not? Let's all play.

This is John. I was just telling him how much my business could help his.

Oh, right.

So how many children have you got then, Mrs Adams? Just the two.

I wanted more but my husband was working all kinds of hours.

Yeah, it was a tough paper round.

Well, this is nice, isn't it? All together.

Yeah, here they are. The Adams family.

Yeah, we're creepy and we're kooky. Mysterious and spooky.

We're altogether "ooky".

We're... positively frigging mental.

Mum, why don't you and... you go and get a drink

and leave me and John alone to chat.

I'm fine, thank you. I've already got a drink.

Well, get another.

It'll warm you up.

Pretty cold out there on those streets.

Come on, then. Let's mingle, darling.

Why do you keep calling me darling?

Sorry, sugar tits.

Look, Lucy, your parents are great,

but it'd be easier to get down to business without them around.

I'm actually staying here in the hotel.

Perhaps we could go up to my room and thrash something out up there.

Erm... actually, I think maybe we should stay here.

I've told them to stay away now so I think they've got the message.

Oh, Lucy Adams.

I thought I'd see you here.

I just spotted your rather brusque husband.

Ex-husband.

Oh, he's here, is he?

Yes, but we've all moved on. Let's go to your room.

Geoffrey's not here as well, is he?

No, he would have said I was interfering

so I snuck out without him noticing.

Talking of which, where are they going?

Lucy probably wasn't getting what she wanted with us around.

There's a word for what she's likely to get from him.

Yes, try "contract".

All right, there's a word for what she's likely to contract from him.

This feels like a better place to chat. Away from interruptions.

Fancy a drop?

I thought we were supposed to clinch the deal first, and then celebrate.

How about we have the champagne first,

and move on to the clinching in a moment?

I'm glad I didn't say "nail the deal".

I'm not going to lie to you, Lucy, I find you very attractive.

I think that's the champagne talking.

"Shut up, champagne, you letchy old bastard!"

Room service!

Oh, God. Saved by the bell-end. We've already had room service.

Housekeeping! No, thank you.

Fire!

I'll get rid of him.

And what are you doing up here, young lady?

I was invited. What about you? Here to turn down the bed?

No, but I hope you are.

You should be ashamed of yourself, mate.

You're old enough to be her father.

In fact you're old enough to be my father, and I'm... her father.

Go away. No, I will not.

Not after I've knocked on every door in this hotel trying to find you.

I had to clean the bathrooms in two of them. Oh, great(!)

We're just waiting for Uncle Tom Cobley and then we can get started.

Right. You, downstairs. Now!

You heard your mother. Get your coat.

Not her, you!

Do not undermine my authority.

We are going nowhere without this little cheeky whippersnapper.

I am a grown woman and I make my own choices in life.

I'm just trying to stop you making any mistakes.

Well, we all make mistakes sometimes. It's not something to worry about.

Although in your case I might just make a "Big Issue" out of it.

You will regret this tomorrow. Will I?

Yes, you'll be going straight to your room and you'll be grounded!

Oh, I hate you! After all the sacrifices I've made for you!

So? I didn't ask to be born!

I blame rap music.

Go!

Oh, what's the point?

Thought I might find you here.

Oh! Hello, Geoffrey. What brings you here?

A phone call from my good friend Archie Meadows,

telling me my wife was here.

Oh. Is that right? Here with another man.

Kissing her and acting like they were a couple.

That's awful. I shall keep a look out for the rakish charmer.

I didn't believe this man could be you until Archie described him.

Shifty-looking.

Northern. Unwashed.

I'm not shifty-looking.

I feel terrible anger towards Wendy. But guess what?

I'm going to take it out on just you.

Hang on a minute!

Listen, Sonny. I may be old enough to be your father...

Please, let's not complicate this any more.

But that won't stop me from punching you square in the face.

I used to box for Surrey, you know.

You don't scare me. I used to bag for Morrison's.

Wait a minute! You've got it all wrong, Geoffrey.

Have I now?

No, no. You've not got it all wrong, actually.

Wait! Follow me.

I'm assuming that's Lucy's dad.

Wow! Is that a trick or are you psychic?

Who the hell are you? What are you doing in a hotel room with my wife?

Oh, I see. You're the husband, are you?

Damn right I'm the husband, you greasy little toe-rag.

Well, if we're going to hurl insults, I've heard all about you.

Leaving your dirty pants on the bathroom floor.

Peeing on the lid of the toilet.

She never told me were so old, though.

Geoffrey! Dad?

Good God! You've got my daughter up here too, you pervert!

Your daughter? I can explain!

Or we can just do it that way.

So did you get the deal?

Do you know what, Lee? It's the strangest thing but I didn't.

John seemed to have some kind of problem with people who tell

a series of lies before their parents punch him repeatedly in the face.

See? I said he was weird.

Still, I hope you saw that I kept to my end of the deal

and never revealed my true identity.

Yeah, years of practice with the Housing Benefit Department.

You know, some good came of all this.

I was walking back through the corridor of the hotel,

thinking about all that had happened

and what lesson we could draw from it all. Yes?

When I came across an unlocked storage cupboard.

Look! I got 50 sachets of hot chocolate!

Thank God! The balance is restored.

Exactly.

Plus I passed that fat geezer, Eddie Ackland, in the corridor.

Well, I say passed, more of a squeeze.

I gave him your email address,

told him you were the best in the business,

said he should take you out for dinner sometime. With my blessing.

Oh, right. Well done.

You know me, always there in a crisis. I've often noticed that.

So what do you say?

Ready to put this ring back on your finger?

Give that sham marriage a second chance?

That's the wrong finger.

No, it isn't.