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1
00:00:22,548 --> 00:00:25,068
Lucy, quick! I've just
seen your dad's car outside.
2
00:00:25,086 --> 00:00:26,766
We've just got time
to jump out the window
3
00:00:26,775 --> 00:00:31,055
before he comes up and starts boring
the arse off us. Hello, Geoffrey!
4
00:00:32,295 --> 00:00:35,615
I was just saying how you'd
probably come up and...
5
00:00:36,615 --> 00:00:39,775
bore... the arse... off us.
6
00:00:40,895 --> 00:00:43,973
I should've changed it to something
nice that time, shouldn't I?
7
00:00:43,975 --> 00:00:45,853
Should I go out and come in again?
8
00:00:45,855 --> 00:00:49,295
Don't be silly. There's absolutely
no need to come in again.
9
00:00:52,175 --> 00:00:57,013
Sorry, Wendy. I wasn't expecting to
find such a beautiful woman in my kitchen. I was thrown.
10
00:00:57,015 --> 00:01:00,253
You'll be thrown again if you keep
trying it on with my wife.
11
00:01:00,255 --> 00:01:02,933
I wasn't trying it on. I was just
saying that when I see Wendy,
12
00:01:02,935 --> 00:01:05,455
it makes me want to do rude things.
13
00:01:07,655 --> 00:01:10,175
MILF? Milk!
14
00:01:12,935 --> 00:01:15,093
Can we just carry on with our
conversation
15
00:01:15,095 --> 00:01:17,453
about Lucy's struggling
business, please?
16
00:01:17,455 --> 00:01:20,133
Can we please not?
I'm a fully-grown woman.
17
00:01:20,135 --> 00:01:21,293
Just hear us out.
18
00:01:21,295 --> 00:01:24,053
Now you remember my old golfing
partner, Archie Meadows?
19
00:01:24,055 --> 00:01:25,693
Owns the Balamont Hotel?
20
00:01:25,695 --> 00:01:29,613
He told me he's hosting a networking
type thingy, starting tonight.
21
00:01:29,615 --> 00:01:33,013
Ideal chance for you hook
some new clients.
22
00:01:33,015 --> 00:01:35,813
"Association of Business
and Trade Taskforces".
23
00:01:35,815 --> 00:01:38,173
Three-day annual trade conference.
24
00:01:38,175 --> 00:01:40,453
Actually, that does sound
quite interesting.
25
00:01:40,455 --> 00:01:43,853
And yet to you, "International Darts
from Lakeside" sounds boring.
26
00:01:43,855 --> 00:01:47,893
We could come along with you and
help with introductions if you like.
27
00:01:47,895 --> 00:01:50,493
Will you please both stop
treating me like a child?
28
00:01:50,495 --> 00:01:53,493
No, no, no. Lucy's right.
We can't tag along.
29
00:01:53,495 --> 00:01:55,773
We'll let you get ready
and stop interfering.
30
00:01:55,775 --> 00:01:59,453
It starts at eight so you need
to plan to get there at least half an hour earlier,
31
00:01:59,455 --> 00:02:02,733
and seeing as it's Friday traffic,
you need to add extra journey time.
32
00:02:02,735 --> 00:02:04,853
So we'll order you a cab for six.
33
00:02:04,855 --> 00:02:07,693
If that's you stopping, I'd hate
to see you interfering with me.
34
00:02:07,695 --> 00:02:09,895
Don't!
35
00:02:13,255 --> 00:02:15,773
Is that it then, Geoffrey?
No career tips for me?
36
00:02:15,775 --> 00:02:17,333
What would be the point?
37
00:02:17,335 --> 00:02:20,453
Yeah, I know. It'd be like giving
golfing tips to a man with no arms.
38
00:02:20,455 --> 00:02:22,893
No, a man with no arms
is incapable of playing golf.
39
00:02:22,895 --> 00:02:24,853
Your case would be like giving
golfing tips
40
00:02:24,855 --> 00:02:27,213
to a man that's
perfectly capable of playing golf
41
00:02:27,215 --> 00:02:31,293
but chooses to spend his time
in idleness and frivolity
42
00:02:31,295 --> 00:02:33,973
and leaves the golfing
to everyone else.
43
00:02:33,975 --> 00:02:36,375
Mine was catchier.
44
00:02:48,095 --> 00:02:51,373
How did it go at the conference?
Hook any new clients?
45
00:02:51,375 --> 00:02:54,653
I didn't hook anything. I'm useless.
46
00:02:54,655 --> 00:02:58,253
Don't say that.
You're an excellent hooker.
47
00:02:58,255 --> 00:03:01,333
Oh, well. There's still two days
left of the conference.
48
00:03:01,335 --> 00:03:05,373
I suppose. And desperate times mean
desperate measures.
49
00:03:05,375 --> 00:03:08,213
What's that?
Nothing.
50
00:03:08,215 --> 00:03:11,013
You put something on your finger.
What finger?
51
00:03:11,015 --> 00:03:14,853
That finger.
Oh. It was my grandmother's.
52
00:03:14,855 --> 00:03:17,173
I wondered why it was
so wrinkled and knobbly.
53
00:03:17,175 --> 00:03:18,933
Why did you put a ring on it?
54
00:03:18,935 --> 00:03:21,613
Since you ask, it's a wedding ring.
55
00:03:21,615 --> 00:03:24,453
Sometimes at these sorts of events,
I pretend to be married.
56
00:03:24,455 --> 00:03:26,333
It's a way of setting boundaries
57
00:03:26,335 --> 00:03:28,413
if it's men I'm trying
to get contracts from.
58
00:03:28,415 --> 00:03:30,133
What do you mean, boundaries?
59
00:03:30,135 --> 00:03:34,853
It's just that sometimes I do what
might be described as... flirting.
60
00:03:34,855 --> 00:03:38,253
And this lets them know that there's
a limit to how far the flirting goes.
61
00:03:38,255 --> 00:03:42,733
In fact, I'm a terrible liar so I've
had to invent a husband in my head.
62
00:03:42,735 --> 00:03:44,573
Who is it? You!
63
00:03:44,575 --> 00:03:46,933
It saves having to
think of a back-story,
64
00:03:46,935 --> 00:03:49,813
so I just tell them his name is Lee.
He even looks like you.
65
00:03:49,815 --> 00:03:52,655
Well, a bit more buff
and a bit less scruff.
66
00:03:53,655 --> 00:03:55,613
Congratulations, my dear lodger.
67
00:03:55,615 --> 00:03:57,853
You have been my husband
for the last two years.
68
00:03:57,855 --> 00:03:59,893
Well, I've heard of arranged
marriages,
69
00:03:59,895 --> 00:04:02,613
but even then you're supposed
to find out before the wedding.
70
00:04:02,615 --> 00:04:05,933
You could have asked me first!
OK, fine.
71
00:04:05,935 --> 00:04:08,413
Lee, please will you be
my meaningless, fake,
72
00:04:08,415 --> 00:04:11,853
fictitious, made-up,
bogus husband of convenience?
73
00:04:11,855 --> 00:04:15,133
My, God! This is all so sudden
I don't know what to say(!)
74
00:04:15,135 --> 00:04:18,413
Just so you know, I don't agree
with sex until after we're married.
75
00:04:18,415 --> 00:04:20,333
Oh, hang on, that was two years ago!
76
00:04:20,335 --> 00:04:22,655
You've got a lot of back
payments to make!
77
00:04:24,095 --> 00:04:26,533
I can't believe
you're using me like this.
78
00:04:26,535 --> 00:04:28,133
It's just make-believe.
79
00:04:28,135 --> 00:04:30,333
But the other blokes
don't know that, do they?
80
00:04:30,335 --> 00:04:33,293
They think they get the glad eye
while I'm sat at home like an idiot.
81
00:04:33,295 --> 00:04:35,773
Lee, they don't know you
and you'll never meet them.
82
00:04:35,775 --> 00:04:37,533
So it doesn't matter.
83
00:04:37,535 --> 00:04:38,853
Is that right?
84
00:04:38,855 --> 00:04:41,653
So if I'd have spent two years
telling my mates back up North
85
00:04:41,655 --> 00:04:43,933
that I'd been having sex
with my landlady Lucy,
86
00:04:43,935 --> 00:04:46,573
that would have been all right,
because you've never met them?
87
00:04:46,575 --> 00:04:49,733
I might start telling them that
I pay my rent in sexual favours.
88
00:04:49,735 --> 00:04:52,215
I try to stay on top,
but sometimes I end up behind.
89
00:04:53,375 --> 00:04:55,453
It's just a bit
of harmless flirting.
90
00:04:55,455 --> 00:04:57,573
It's exactly what you do with my mum!
91
00:04:57,575 --> 00:05:00,495
That is different.
That is called charm.
92
00:05:01,495 --> 00:05:03,613
What I do is just as innocent
as what you do.
93
00:05:03,615 --> 00:05:05,413
Just because you flirt
with my mother,
94
00:05:05,415 --> 00:05:09,175
it doesn't mean you've actually
thought about sleeping with her.
95
00:05:19,935 --> 00:05:22,253
So I said, "Listen, Branson.
96
00:05:22,255 --> 00:05:25,935
"If you can't do it for 20 mil
I don't want the contract!"
97
00:05:28,735 --> 00:05:33,853
Hello, Lucy Adams. I really enjoyed
your talk in there... Eddie Ackland.
98
00:05:33,855 --> 00:05:35,933
I thought you presented very well.
99
00:05:35,935 --> 00:05:39,135
Thank you, Lucy Adams. You don't
present too badly yourself.
100
00:05:41,975 --> 00:05:46,533
In fact, I feel that my own skills
in graduate recruitment
101
00:05:46,535 --> 00:05:49,413
could be a real asset
to your business.
102
00:05:49,415 --> 00:05:52,093
Are you always this forward,
Lucy Adams?
103
00:05:52,095 --> 00:05:54,573
Only with men that catch my eye.
104
00:05:54,575 --> 00:05:56,775
Only in a business sense, obviously.
105
00:05:59,095 --> 00:06:01,973
Obviously. You're a married woman,
I can see that.
106
00:06:01,975 --> 00:06:04,493
Yes, but just because
a dog's chained up,
107
00:06:04,495 --> 00:06:06,415
doesn't mean you can't stroke it.
108
00:06:11,895 --> 00:06:14,693
Well, maybe we should go
and sit down over there and see
109
00:06:14,695 --> 00:06:18,173
if there's anything we can offer
each other. OK, let's talk shop.
110
00:06:18,175 --> 00:06:20,893
This shop is always open to
pretty ladies.
111
00:06:20,895 --> 00:06:23,533
Ding-a-ling!
112
00:06:23,535 --> 00:06:26,213
Hello, sweetheart!
113
00:06:26,215 --> 00:06:28,613
Watch me wife's hands, mate.
She's a kleptomaniac.
114
00:06:28,615 --> 00:06:31,133
Always sticking Curly Wurlys
down her gusset,
115
00:06:31,135 --> 00:06:33,455
aren't you, my little Winona Ryder?
116
00:06:34,495 --> 00:06:37,613
How did you get in here, darling?
117
00:06:37,615 --> 00:06:40,533
I've got a pass. Look,
there's my name on the front.
118
00:06:40,535 --> 00:06:43,933
And there's the Coco Pops
monkey on the back.
119
00:06:43,935 --> 00:06:47,293
Oh no, my mistake. It's you
as a baby before they shaved you.
120
00:06:47,295 --> 00:06:49,453
All right, I made a pass.
121
00:06:49,455 --> 00:06:52,013
Sorry about that.
Never a good idea to make a pass.
122
00:06:52,015 --> 00:06:54,373
Is it, mate?
123
00:06:54,375 --> 00:06:57,575
Anyway, it's been a pleasure
to meet you, Mrs Adams, Mr Adams.
124
00:06:59,055 --> 00:07:00,733
What the hell are you doing here?
125
00:07:00,735 --> 00:07:03,053
I am stopping my wife
from flirting behind my back
126
00:07:03,055 --> 00:07:05,293
and making me look like an idiot.
127
00:07:05,295 --> 00:07:07,853
But they don't know you, you cretin!
128
00:07:07,855 --> 00:07:10,293
But what about when they bump
into us when we're together
129
00:07:10,295 --> 00:07:11,933
somewhere like the supermarket?
130
00:07:11,935 --> 00:07:14,933
That's when it gets embarrassing
for me. Embarrassing for you?
131
00:07:14,935 --> 00:07:18,653
You're not the one who has to walk
round Waitrose next to a man wearing pyjama bottoms.
132
00:07:18,655 --> 00:07:20,333
They were velour leisure trousers
133
00:07:20,335 --> 00:07:22,735
in an easy-on-the-eye
Cath Kidston design.
134
00:07:24,935 --> 00:07:28,253
Lee, I'm desperate.
I need these contracts.
135
00:07:28,255 --> 00:07:31,933
Fine. Just don't flirt behind
your "husband's" back.
136
00:07:31,935 --> 00:07:35,655
OK. I'll flirt in front
of my "husband's" face.
137
00:07:38,255 --> 00:07:41,773
What's a handsome man like you
doing standing on his own?
138
00:07:41,775 --> 00:07:44,733
Careful, darling. Let's not forget
there's children involved.
139
00:07:44,735 --> 00:07:47,855
No, there aren't. There will be
if he stands any closer.
140
00:07:55,575 --> 00:07:57,613
Well, I thoroughly enjoyed that.
141
00:07:57,615 --> 00:07:59,653
We don't have enough nights out
as a couple.
142
00:07:59,655 --> 00:08:02,013
We should do it more often.
Don't even talk to me.
143
00:08:02,015 --> 00:08:04,413
You know the best thing
about having a row, don't you?
144
00:08:04,415 --> 00:08:08,373
Is it the bit afterwards, where I
kick you really hard in the bollocks?
145
00:08:08,375 --> 00:08:10,093
What's your problem?
146
00:08:10,095 --> 00:08:12,693
You started this whole marriage
boundary thing.
147
00:08:12,695 --> 00:08:14,853
I was just playing my part
as the faithful husband.
148
00:08:14,855 --> 00:08:18,373
Oh, you played your part, all right.
Telling people we had four kids!
149
00:08:18,375 --> 00:08:21,013
Stop shouting,
you know it upsets them!
150
00:08:21,015 --> 00:08:23,213
They don't exist!
151
00:08:23,215 --> 00:08:25,653
And you wonder why they wet the bed.
152
00:08:25,655 --> 00:08:28,453
Look, sorry. I was on a roll.
It was a spur of the moment thing.
153
00:08:28,455 --> 00:08:33,015
If it was a spur of the moment thing,
how come you had photos of them in your wallet?
154
00:08:34,015 --> 00:08:38,173
On the way out I saw a picture
of them in the Sainsbury's magazine, so I cut it out.
155
00:08:38,175 --> 00:08:41,735
So that's how I came to be mother
to Jamie Oliver's children.
156
00:08:42,975 --> 00:08:46,053
If you ever turn up like that again
I will kill you.
157
00:08:46,055 --> 00:08:48,453
And if you keep treating me
like the cuckold husband
158
00:08:48,455 --> 00:08:51,013
whilst you flirt with other men,
I will keep turning up.
159
00:08:51,015 --> 00:08:54,773
Fine. You win, then.
I now declare this marriage over.
160
00:08:54,775 --> 00:08:58,495
May I kiss the divorcee?
No. But I tell you what you can kiss.
161
00:08:59,615 --> 00:09:01,255
What? Your ring?
162
00:09:02,415 --> 00:09:06,533
It feels good to be single again.
Like a huge pressure has gone away.
163
00:09:06,535 --> 00:09:10,813
Good. Me too. It's just a shame
you won't be able to use your flirting techniques any more.
164
00:09:10,815 --> 00:09:13,853
Oh, yes I can. I need those clients.
165
00:09:13,855 --> 00:09:16,973
What about the boundaries?
Well, there aren't any anymore.
166
00:09:16,975 --> 00:09:19,973
I'm going back there tomorrow
single, angry and desperate.
167
00:09:19,975 --> 00:09:22,175
Same as your profile on Match.com.
168
00:09:32,495 --> 00:09:36,653
Oh. Hello, Wendy. Hello, Lee.
Have you got five minutes?
169
00:09:36,655 --> 00:09:39,535
Five minutes?
Blimey, won't once be enough?
170
00:09:45,015 --> 00:09:46,653
Sorry, that was just a joke.
171
00:09:46,655 --> 00:09:49,733
About... being bad at... sex.
172
00:09:49,735 --> 00:09:52,173
Not you, I mean me.
173
00:09:52,175 --> 00:09:53,693
I'm sure you're very good at it.
174
00:09:53,695 --> 00:09:56,013
Oh, for the love of...
175
00:09:56,015 --> 00:09:58,693
You're like the shopkeeper
from Mr Benn.
176
00:09:58,695 --> 00:10:02,493
If you're looking for Lucy,
she's at the conference.
177
00:10:02,495 --> 00:10:04,893
I know.
She won't be back till later.
178
00:10:04,895 --> 00:10:06,973
Yeah, I know that as well.
179
00:10:06,975 --> 00:10:09,295
Greta Garbo's nipples
were made of Spam.
180
00:10:10,295 --> 00:10:12,495
You didn't see that one coming,
did you?
181
00:10:13,535 --> 00:10:15,293
It was you we wanted to see, Lee.
182
00:10:15,295 --> 00:10:18,333
We wanted the low-down on how
Lucy's getting on at the conference.
183
00:10:18,335 --> 00:10:21,093
If we ask her directly she'll
tell us to stop interfering.
184
00:10:21,095 --> 00:10:23,253
She's not doing very well,
I'm afraid.
185
00:10:23,255 --> 00:10:25,453
I don't know
what's the matter with that girl.
186
00:10:25,455 --> 00:10:27,893
Sometimes I think she needs
a rocket up her backside.
187
00:10:27,895 --> 00:10:31,813
We were hoping this conference would
turn Lucy's fortunes on its head.
188
00:10:31,815 --> 00:10:35,413
In that case, she needs
a Catherine wheel up her backside.
189
00:10:35,415 --> 00:10:38,373
Maybe we should just turn up and see
if we can do anything to help.
190
00:10:38,375 --> 00:10:42,413
No, Lucy's right. We have to let her
stand on her own two feet.
191
00:10:42,415 --> 00:10:45,413
I just wish she'd go to these
sort of events and make some noise.
192
00:10:45,415 --> 00:10:47,855
Banger up her backside?
No, that's wrong.
193
00:10:49,295 --> 00:10:52,253
At least if you're making
remarks like that about my daughter
194
00:10:52,255 --> 00:10:54,293
you're not making them to my wife.
195
00:10:54,295 --> 00:10:56,213
Well, let us know
if you hear anything, Lee.
196
00:10:56,215 --> 00:10:59,333
You know me, Wendy, I'm always happy
to give it to you straight.
197
00:10:59,335 --> 00:11:01,535
That wasn't one!
198
00:11:08,615 --> 00:11:11,933
If you're looking for Lucy,
she's at the conference.
199
00:11:11,935 --> 00:11:14,253
Yeah, I know.
She won't be back till later.
200
00:11:14,255 --> 00:11:16,053
Yeah, I know that as well.
201
00:11:16,055 --> 00:11:18,933
Great Garbo's nipples
were made of Spam.
202
00:11:18,935 --> 00:11:20,975
Yeah, I know they were.
203
00:11:23,255 --> 00:11:26,373
Lucy told me about
you turning up yesterday.
204
00:11:26,375 --> 00:11:30,413
You know, you can hardly blame her
for using her flirting skills to get what she wants.
205
00:11:30,415 --> 00:11:33,333
Whenever I want something from a man
I just bite on my bottom lip
206
00:11:33,335 --> 00:11:36,015
and flutter my eyelashes
and men come running.
207
00:11:38,415 --> 00:11:40,455
What, to defibrillate you?
208
00:11:42,855 --> 00:11:44,895
Don't be disgusting.
209
00:11:47,375 --> 00:11:52,575
So, you're not going to keep an eye
on her then, "Mr Husband"?
210
00:11:54,255 --> 00:11:56,535
Try putting an "ex"
in front of husband.
211
00:11:59,495 --> 00:12:01,295
Xusband?
212
00:12:04,855 --> 00:12:07,613
Yeah, you're right, it's difficult.
213
00:12:07,615 --> 00:12:10,293
I mean me and Lucy,
we got a quickie divorce.
214
00:12:10,295 --> 00:12:11,813
Oh. Well, I'm not surprised.
215
00:12:11,815 --> 00:12:15,133
She told me she'd rather be married
to Dr Crippen. Oh, nice.
216
00:12:15,135 --> 00:12:17,975
Well, it's fair enough,
you know how much GPs get paid.
217
00:12:23,255 --> 00:12:28,013
So, she's gone back
to the conference YFAS?
218
00:12:28,015 --> 00:12:29,893
What?
219
00:12:29,895 --> 00:12:32,535
YFAS. Young, free and single.
220
00:12:33,575 --> 00:12:37,013
And if you don't do
something about it, YBS.
221
00:12:37,015 --> 00:12:40,413
WTF are you talking about?
222
00:12:40,415 --> 00:12:43,013
YBS. You'll be sorry.
223
00:12:43,015 --> 00:12:44,575
Oh, I see.
224
00:12:46,375 --> 00:12:48,855
OIC? What does that stand for?
225
00:12:51,375 --> 00:12:53,653
It stands for, "Oh, I see".
226
00:12:53,655 --> 00:12:55,575
Oh... I see.
227
00:12:57,855 --> 00:13:01,533
Look, get back to the conference
and fight for that relationship.
228
00:13:01,535 --> 00:13:03,373
What?
229
00:13:03,375 --> 00:13:07,253
Now that Lucy's on the rebound she
might take that flirting up a notch.
230
00:13:07,255 --> 00:13:08,693
She told me on the phone
231
00:13:08,695 --> 00:13:11,093
that she would do anything
to get a deal tonight.
232
00:13:11,095 --> 00:13:14,975
I think she might just need
saving from herself.
233
00:13:17,095 --> 00:13:20,173
That's it, Lee.
Get that marriage back on track.
234
00:13:20,175 --> 00:13:22,533
Stand up and tell Lucy how you feel.
235
00:13:22,535 --> 00:13:25,213
Oh, it's like that bit
at the end of Notting Hill.
236
00:13:25,215 --> 00:13:28,453
I don't think you understand, Daisy.
It was a made-up relationship.
237
00:13:28,455 --> 00:13:30,853
Uh, yes, thank you, Lee.
I'm not a complete idiot.
238
00:13:30,855 --> 00:13:32,895
I think I know how a film works.
239
00:13:50,815 --> 00:13:52,653
Hi, I'm Lucy.
240
00:13:52,655 --> 00:13:56,093
John Varcey, AGR Enterprises.
So, who are you with, Lucy?
241
00:13:56,095 --> 00:13:58,773
No-one. Absolutely no-one.
242
00:13:58,775 --> 00:14:01,053
At all.
You're not with a company then?
243
00:14:01,055 --> 00:14:03,093
Are you one of the waitresses?
244
00:14:03,095 --> 00:14:05,933
No. I meant
I'm a one woman operation.
245
00:14:05,935 --> 00:14:07,813
I do everything for myself.
246
00:14:07,815 --> 00:14:10,533
And, erm, personally I'm single too,
247
00:14:10,535 --> 00:14:13,815
which means I do all that stuff
by myself as well.
248
00:14:17,895 --> 00:14:19,893
Can I get you a drink?
249
00:14:19,895 --> 00:14:22,453
So you are one of the...?
I'm not a waitress!
250
00:14:22,455 --> 00:14:25,253
I'm a recruitment consultant
and I'm here to tell you
251
00:14:25,255 --> 00:14:28,893
that whatever you're after,
I can give it to you.
252
00:14:28,895 --> 00:14:32,933
As it happens, I intend on investing
heavily in recruitment this year.
253
00:14:32,935 --> 00:14:36,853
I'll tell you what, Miss Adams,
I've just got to spend a penny,
254
00:14:36,855 --> 00:14:38,493
but then when I get back,
255
00:14:38,495 --> 00:14:41,773
why don't we talk about me spending
lots more pennies on you?
256
00:14:41,775 --> 00:14:45,413
Sorry, that's not some sort of
sex fetish thing, is it?
257
00:14:45,415 --> 00:14:48,455
No. Of course it's not.
258
00:14:55,375 --> 00:14:57,613
Ever had the feeling of deja vu?
259
00:14:57,615 --> 00:15:02,133
No. Ever had that feeling of...
IMITATES CANTONESE
260
00:15:02,135 --> 00:15:05,495
You give me French, I'll come
straight back at you with Cantonese.
261
00:15:06,455 --> 00:15:09,693
Look, I've just come to
apologise about yesterday.
262
00:15:09,695 --> 00:15:13,133
Give me another chance,
tell everyone we're married. No!
263
00:15:13,135 --> 00:15:16,533
My single woman flirting technique
is really working on this guy.
264
00:15:16,535 --> 00:15:20,373
He's a big player. So just leave,
right now. Please.
265
00:15:20,375 --> 00:15:23,773
I can't. I think you might need
saving from yourself.
266
00:15:23,775 --> 00:15:25,613
What are you doing?
267
00:15:25,615 --> 00:15:28,093
Put this ring on your finger.
It's for your own good.
268
00:15:28,095 --> 00:15:29,853
Get off me, you lunatic.
269
00:15:29,855 --> 00:15:32,573
Just marry me, you mad cow, before
you do something you'll regret.
270
00:15:32,575 --> 00:15:36,493
Stop it! He'll be back any second,
he's only popped to the toilet.
271
00:15:36,495 --> 00:15:41,253
Has he now? I wonder what for?
For a great big box of condoms, Lee.
272
00:15:41,255 --> 00:15:44,453
I'm going to take it in turns to have
sex with all the men in the room,
273
00:15:44,455 --> 00:15:47,013
in alphabetical order.
274
00:15:47,015 --> 00:15:50,575
Sorry, Mr Ziegbo. You might want
to pop out and come back later.
275
00:15:53,535 --> 00:15:56,173
Oh, hello. John Varcey.
And you are?
276
00:15:56,175 --> 00:16:00,215
Lee Adams. With an "A",
which is well before a "V".
277
00:16:01,655 --> 00:16:03,733
I see.
278
00:16:03,735 --> 00:16:06,815
Sorry, John. Have you not met?
This is my... dad.
279
00:16:11,175 --> 00:16:13,573
"Dad"?
280
00:16:13,575 --> 00:16:17,013
I'm sorry, father. He's very
traditional, very set in his ways.
281
00:16:17,015 --> 00:16:19,133
Sorry to be rude
and talk about ages,
282
00:16:19,135 --> 00:16:20,973
but how does that work exactly?
283
00:16:20,975 --> 00:16:23,055
That is a good question.
284
00:16:25,415 --> 00:16:29,295
Well, I'm 29 and he's...46.
285
00:16:31,855 --> 00:16:35,295
So you were 17 when Lucy was born?
He's from the North.
286
00:16:37,935 --> 00:16:40,693
I know, he left it quite late,
didn't he?
287
00:16:40,695 --> 00:16:43,253
Well... erm... let me get you
a drink, Mr Adams.
288
00:16:43,255 --> 00:16:44,653
Beer? Wine?
289
00:16:44,655 --> 00:16:46,853
Oh. Just a Horlicks,
if they've got it.
290
00:16:46,855 --> 00:16:49,373
What the hell are you doing?
What am I doing?
291
00:16:49,375 --> 00:16:51,293
What are you doing saying
I'm your dad?
292
00:16:51,295 --> 00:16:53,533
I had to say something,
I told him I was single.
293
00:16:53,535 --> 00:16:58,335
Compulsive liars don't really get
business contracts, I don't know if you've heard. Just leave.
294
00:17:00,175 --> 00:17:01,773
No.
295
00:17:01,775 --> 00:17:04,373
OK, but if you don't play along
with this and you tell him
296
00:17:04,375 --> 00:17:07,013
I was lying, you won't be my dad,
you won't be my husband,
297
00:17:07,015 --> 00:17:10,055
and more importantly,
you won't be my lodger either.
298
00:17:11,055 --> 00:17:14,373
You're not too old to go
over my knee, young lady.
299
00:17:14,375 --> 00:17:16,573
Sorry, Mr Adams.
No hot drinks, I'm afraid.
300
00:17:16,575 --> 00:17:18,653
That's all right.
I'll have one later.
301
00:17:18,655 --> 00:17:23,053
It'll help pass the time
when I'm going up to the bedroom on my stair-lift.
302
00:17:23,055 --> 00:17:24,653
You know, I admire you, Mr Adams.
303
00:17:24,655 --> 00:17:30,013
To have a child at just 17 and yet
still raise this confident, assured, beautiful woman.
304
00:17:30,015 --> 00:17:32,293
You've done an amazing job.
305
00:17:32,295 --> 00:17:35,733
If you could offer some advice
to other men, what would it be?
306
00:17:35,735 --> 00:17:38,095
Stop looking at my daughter's tits.
307
00:17:43,135 --> 00:17:47,453
Sorry about my father, John.
He's very protective of me, aren't you, Dad?
308
00:17:47,455 --> 00:17:50,253
Especially after my experience
with my ex-husband.
309
00:17:50,255 --> 00:17:53,773
Do you remember my ex-husband, Dad?
He was a total arse, wasn't he?
310
00:17:53,775 --> 00:17:55,573
He wasn't that bad.
311
00:17:55,575 --> 00:17:59,853
Oh, he was. Interfering,
controlling... and what a slob!
312
00:17:59,855 --> 00:18:03,053
The amount of time I spent picking
his pants off the bathroom floor.
313
00:18:03,055 --> 00:18:05,933
I know the sort. Never put the
toilet lid down after he peed.
314
00:18:05,935 --> 00:18:08,935
I was lucky if he lifted the toilet
lid before he peed.
315
00:18:10,175 --> 00:18:12,613
Why I ever married him
I will never know.
316
00:18:12,615 --> 00:18:15,213
Well, there is a theory
that women go for men
317
00:18:15,215 --> 00:18:17,213
that remind them of their fathers.
318
00:18:17,215 --> 00:18:20,213
Her ex-husband was like you, was he?
Peas in a pod.
319
00:18:20,215 --> 00:18:23,215
Yeah, peas in a pod, but then
doesn't put the lid down.
320
00:18:24,255 --> 00:18:27,135
Hello. Mum!
321
00:18:32,535 --> 00:18:34,575
Lee?
322
00:18:40,175 --> 00:18:42,215
Hello... darling.
323
00:18:47,095 --> 00:18:50,333
Still magic, after all these years.
324
00:18:50,335 --> 00:18:52,215
Are you drunk?
325
00:18:53,415 --> 00:18:55,453
Yes.
326
00:18:55,455 --> 00:18:59,693
Lee, you shouldn't even be here,
let alone half-cut.
327
00:18:59,695 --> 00:19:01,893
Women, hey?
328
00:19:01,895 --> 00:19:06,895
"Don't drink", "clean out the
attic", "stop grabbing my... arse".
329
00:19:10,335 --> 00:19:12,493
Mum, what are you doing here?
330
00:19:12,495 --> 00:19:14,933
I'm sorry, darling, I couldn't
resist popping in to see
331
00:19:14,935 --> 00:19:17,173
if there's anyone you needed me
to introduce you to.
332
00:19:17,175 --> 00:19:20,133
Anyone else going to suddenly
turn up? My long lost twin?
333
00:19:20,135 --> 00:19:22,253
The doctor who
performed my sex change?
334
00:19:22,255 --> 00:19:24,653
That was a joke,
I've always been a man.
335
00:19:24,655 --> 00:19:26,775
WOMAN!
336
00:19:27,695 --> 00:19:30,613
So you're Lucy's mother?
337
00:19:30,615 --> 00:19:34,013
Now, don't do the old charmer line
and say you thought we were sisters.
338
00:19:34,015 --> 00:19:36,175
Why the hell not? Let's all play.
339
00:19:37,175 --> 00:19:40,933
This is John. I was just telling him
how much my business could help his.
340
00:19:40,935 --> 00:19:42,853
Oh, right.
341
00:19:42,855 --> 00:19:45,773
So how many children have you got
then, Mrs Adams? Just the two.
342
00:19:45,775 --> 00:19:48,973
I wanted more but my husband
was working all kinds of hours.
343
00:19:48,975 --> 00:19:51,575
Yeah, it was a tough paper round.
344
00:19:56,175 --> 00:19:59,413
Well, this is nice, isn't it?
All together.
345
00:19:59,415 --> 00:20:01,615
Yeah, here they are.
The Adams family.
346
00:20:05,975 --> 00:20:09,413
Yeah, we're creepy and we're kooky.
Mysterious and spooky.
347
00:20:09,415 --> 00:20:11,255
We're altogether "ooky".
348
00:20:12,895 --> 00:20:15,375
We're... positively frigging mental.
349
00:20:16,855 --> 00:20:23,013
Mum, why don't you and... you
go and get a drink
350
00:20:23,015 --> 00:20:25,053
and leave me and John alone to chat.
351
00:20:25,055 --> 00:20:28,575
I'm fine, thank you.
I've already got a drink.
352
00:20:33,375 --> 00:20:36,175
Well, get another.
353
00:20:37,535 --> 00:20:39,293
It'll warm you up.
354
00:20:39,295 --> 00:20:41,533
Pretty cold out there
on those streets.
355
00:20:41,535 --> 00:20:44,093
Come on, then.
Let's mingle, darling.
356
00:20:44,095 --> 00:20:46,413
Why do you keep calling me darling?
357
00:20:46,415 --> 00:20:48,255
Sorry, sugar tits.
358
00:20:49,575 --> 00:20:51,773
Look, Lucy, your parents are great,
359
00:20:51,775 --> 00:20:55,853
but it'd be easier to get down
to business without them around.
360
00:20:55,855 --> 00:20:57,773
I'm actually staying
here in the hotel.
361
00:20:57,775 --> 00:21:01,333
Perhaps we could go up to my room
and thrash something out up there.
362
00:21:01,335 --> 00:21:05,333
Erm... actually, I think maybe
we should stay here.
363
00:21:05,335 --> 00:21:08,333
I've told them to stay away now
so I think they've got the message.
364
00:21:08,335 --> 00:21:10,293
Oh, Lucy Adams.
365
00:21:10,295 --> 00:21:12,453
I thought I'd see you here.
366
00:21:12,455 --> 00:21:15,133
I just spotted your rather
brusque husband.
367
00:21:15,135 --> 00:21:17,333
Ex-husband.
368
00:21:17,335 --> 00:21:19,053
Oh, he's here, is he?
369
00:21:19,055 --> 00:21:22,655
Yes, but we've all moved on.
Let's go to your room.
370
00:21:23,975 --> 00:21:25,813
Geoffrey's not here as well, is he?
371
00:21:25,815 --> 00:21:27,893
No, he would have said
I was interfering
372
00:21:27,895 --> 00:21:30,573
so I snuck out without him noticing.
373
00:21:30,575 --> 00:21:32,973
Talking of which,
where are they going?
374
00:21:32,975 --> 00:21:36,293
Lucy probably wasn't getting
what she wanted with us around.
375
00:21:36,295 --> 00:21:38,773
There's a word for what
she's likely to get from him.
376
00:21:38,775 --> 00:21:41,333
Yes, try "contract".
377
00:21:41,335 --> 00:21:44,495
All right, there's a word for what
she's likely to contract from him.
378
00:21:50,455 --> 00:21:56,053
This feels like a better place
to chat. Away from interruptions.
379
00:21:56,055 --> 00:21:57,973
Fancy a drop?
380
00:21:57,975 --> 00:22:01,333
I thought we were supposed to clinch
the deal first, and then celebrate.
381
00:22:01,335 --> 00:22:03,813
How about we have the champagne
first,
382
00:22:03,815 --> 00:22:06,093
and move on to the clinching
in a moment?
383
00:22:06,095 --> 00:22:09,453
I'm glad I didn't say
"nail the deal".
384
00:22:09,455 --> 00:22:13,653
I'm not going to lie to you, Lucy,
I find you very attractive.
385
00:22:13,655 --> 00:22:16,533
I think
that's the champagne talking.
386
00:22:16,535 --> 00:22:20,295
"Shut up, champagne,
you letchy old bastard!"
387
00:22:24,975 --> 00:22:27,853
Room service!
388
00:22:27,855 --> 00:22:31,973
Oh, God. Saved by the bell-end.
We've already had room service.
389
00:22:31,975 --> 00:22:35,293
Housekeeping!
No, thank you.
390
00:22:35,295 --> 00:22:36,695
Fire!
391
00:22:38,735 --> 00:22:40,975
I'll get rid of him.
392
00:22:42,815 --> 00:22:46,093
And what are you doing up here,
young lady?
393
00:22:46,095 --> 00:22:49,733
I was invited. What about you?
Here to turn down the bed?
394
00:22:49,735 --> 00:22:52,693
No, but I hope you are.
395
00:22:52,695 --> 00:22:55,013
You should be ashamed
of yourself, mate.
396
00:22:55,015 --> 00:22:56,973
You're old enough to be her father.
397
00:22:56,975 --> 00:23:00,613
In fact you're old enough to be
my father, and I'm... her father.
398
00:23:00,615 --> 00:23:03,613
Go away. No, I will not.
399
00:23:03,615 --> 00:23:06,813
Not after I've knocked on every door
in this hotel trying to find you.
400
00:23:06,815 --> 00:23:09,653
I had to clean the bathrooms
in two of them. Oh, great(!)
401
00:23:09,655 --> 00:23:13,133
We're just waiting for Uncle Tom
Cobley and then we can get started.
402
00:23:13,135 --> 00:23:15,413
Right. You, downstairs. Now!
403
00:23:15,415 --> 00:23:17,613
You heard your mother.
Get your coat.
404
00:23:17,615 --> 00:23:20,333
Not her, you!
405
00:23:20,335 --> 00:23:23,253
Do not undermine my authority.
406
00:23:23,255 --> 00:23:26,733
We are going nowhere without this
little cheeky whippersnapper.
407
00:23:26,735 --> 00:23:29,933
I am a grown woman and I make
my own choices in life.
408
00:23:29,935 --> 00:23:32,253
I'm just trying to stop you
making any mistakes.
409
00:23:32,255 --> 00:23:35,693
Well, we all make mistakes sometimes.
It's not something to worry about.
410
00:23:35,695 --> 00:23:38,895
Although in your case I might
just make a "Big Issue" out of it.
411
00:23:40,895 --> 00:23:43,253
You will regret this tomorrow.
Will I?
412
00:23:43,255 --> 00:23:46,253
Yes, you'll be going straight
to your room and you'll be grounded!
413
00:23:46,255 --> 00:23:49,933
Oh, I hate you! After all the
sacrifices I've made for you!
414
00:23:49,935 --> 00:23:52,375
So? I didn't ask to be born!
415
00:23:55,415 --> 00:23:57,853
I blame rap music.
416
00:23:57,855 --> 00:23:59,575
Go!
417
00:24:00,695 --> 00:24:02,255
Oh, what's the point?
418
00:24:05,695 --> 00:24:07,733
Thought I might find you here.
419
00:24:07,735 --> 00:24:09,973
Oh! Hello, Geoffrey.
What brings you here?
420
00:24:09,975 --> 00:24:12,933
A phone call from my good friend
Archie Meadows,
421
00:24:12,935 --> 00:24:15,093
telling me my wife was here.
422
00:24:15,095 --> 00:24:18,853
Oh. Is that right?
Here with another man.
423
00:24:18,855 --> 00:24:21,213
Kissing her and acting like
they were a couple.
424
00:24:21,215 --> 00:24:25,333
That's awful. I shall keep
a look out for the rakish charmer.
425
00:24:25,335 --> 00:24:29,013
I didn't believe this man could be
you until Archie described him.
426
00:24:29,015 --> 00:24:30,573
Shifty-looking.
427
00:24:30,575 --> 00:24:32,693
Northern. Unwashed.
428
00:24:32,695 --> 00:24:35,333
I'm not shifty-looking.
429
00:24:35,335 --> 00:24:38,973
I feel terrible anger towards Wendy.
But guess what?
430
00:24:38,975 --> 00:24:41,493
I'm going to take it out
on just you.
431
00:24:41,495 --> 00:24:43,053
Hang on a minute!
432
00:24:43,055 --> 00:24:46,133
Listen, Sonny. I may be old enough
to be your father...
433
00:24:46,135 --> 00:24:49,893
Please, let's not
complicate this any more.
434
00:24:49,895 --> 00:24:52,573
But that won't stop me from
punching you square in the face.
435
00:24:52,575 --> 00:24:54,533
I used to box for Surrey, you know.
436
00:24:54,535 --> 00:24:57,933
You don't scare me.
I used to bag for Morrison's.
437
00:24:57,935 --> 00:25:01,293
Wait a minute!
You've got it all wrong, Geoffrey.
438
00:25:01,295 --> 00:25:02,935
Have I now?
439
00:25:04,575 --> 00:25:08,453
No, no. You've not got it
all wrong, actually.
440
00:25:08,455 --> 00:25:10,935
Wait! Follow me.
441
00:25:16,535 --> 00:25:19,653
I'm assuming that's Lucy's dad.
442
00:25:19,655 --> 00:25:23,533
Wow! Is that a trick
or are you psychic?
443
00:25:23,535 --> 00:25:27,053
Who the hell are you? What are you
doing in a hotel room with my wife?
444
00:25:27,055 --> 00:25:30,053
Oh, I see.
You're the husband, are you?
445
00:25:30,055 --> 00:25:33,093
Damn right I'm the husband,
you greasy little toe-rag.
446
00:25:33,095 --> 00:25:36,213
Well, if we're going to hurl
insults, I've heard all about you.
447
00:25:36,215 --> 00:25:38,613
Leaving your dirty pants
on the bathroom floor.
448
00:25:38,615 --> 00:25:40,493
Peeing on the lid of the toilet.
449
00:25:40,495 --> 00:25:43,495
She never told me were so old,
though.
450
00:25:45,335 --> 00:25:47,653
Geoffrey! Dad?
451
00:25:47,655 --> 00:25:52,013
Good God! You've got my daughter up
here too, you pervert!
452
00:25:52,015 --> 00:25:54,495
Your daughter? I can explain!
453
00:25:56,015 --> 00:25:58,815
Or we can just do it that way.
454
00:26:07,535 --> 00:26:09,613
So did you get the deal?
455
00:26:09,615 --> 00:26:12,813
Do you know what, Lee? It's
the strangest thing but I didn't.
456
00:26:12,815 --> 00:26:15,813
John seemed to have some kind
of problem with people who tell
457
00:26:15,815 --> 00:26:19,133
a series of lies before their parents
punch him repeatedly in the face.
458
00:26:19,135 --> 00:26:20,975
See? I said he was weird.
459
00:26:22,015 --> 00:26:24,533
Still, I hope you saw that I kept
to my end of the deal
460
00:26:24,535 --> 00:26:26,573
and never revealed my true identity.
461
00:26:26,575 --> 00:26:30,295
Yeah, years of practice with
the Housing Benefit Department.
462
00:26:31,535 --> 00:26:33,573
You know, some good came
of all this.
463
00:26:33,575 --> 00:26:35,853
I was walking back through
the corridor of the hotel,
464
00:26:35,855 --> 00:26:37,693
thinking about all that had happened
465
00:26:37,695 --> 00:26:40,533
and what lesson we could draw
from it all. Yes?
466
00:26:40,535 --> 00:26:43,573
When I came across an unlocked
storage cupboard.
467
00:26:43,575 --> 00:26:46,973
Look! I got 50 sachets
of hot chocolate!
468
00:26:46,975 --> 00:26:49,933
Thank God! The balance is restored.
469
00:26:49,935 --> 00:26:51,653
Exactly.
470
00:26:51,655 --> 00:26:55,213
Plus I passed that fat geezer,
Eddie Ackland, in the corridor.
471
00:26:55,215 --> 00:26:57,653
Well, I say passed,
more of a squeeze.
472
00:26:57,655 --> 00:26:59,213
I gave him your email address,
473
00:26:59,215 --> 00:27:01,293
told him you were
the best in the business,
474
00:27:01,295 --> 00:27:05,133
said he should take you out for
dinner sometime. With my blessing.
475
00:27:05,135 --> 00:27:07,253
Oh, right. Well done.
476
00:27:07,255 --> 00:27:11,013
You know me, always there in
a crisis. I've often noticed that.
477
00:27:11,015 --> 00:27:13,533
So what do you say?
478
00:27:13,535 --> 00:27:16,093
Ready to put this ring
back on your finger?
479
00:27:16,095 --> 00:27:18,415
Give that sham marriage
a second chance?
480
00:27:23,775 --> 00:27:25,613
That's the wrong finger.
481
00:27:25,615 --> 00:27:27,455
No, it isn't.40411
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