Original subtitles

Bit early to be coming back for your lunch, isn't it?

It's half past one in the afternoon.

I think the phrase you're looking for is,

"It's a bit late to be having breakfast in your pyjamas."

I think you'll find I'm using a bowl.

Is that right?

Actually, I think I got a few inside my, er... No, thank you.

What are you doing with all those leaflets? Never you mind. I know what you're like.

You'll just crack stupid, childish jokes.

No, I won't.

Yeah, you will. All right. Try me.

OK.

I've just recruited someone who's going to be in charge of a big, new health campaign

to get men to start regularly examining their testicles.

Well done. It's a worthwhile cause and I'm sure he'll do an extremely good job.

Thank you.

As long as he doesn't get the SACK.

It's like a form of Tourette's with you, isn't it?

It's not me running round the kitchen shouting "testicles".

Do you know, you're exactly the type of bloke this campaign is aimed at. Really?

Good-looking men in their mid-30s often have problems with their testicles, do they? Mid-30s?

You let good-looking go, then.

I was cutting you some slack suggesting you had testicles.

Well?

What?

Do you ever check yourself downstairs?

Yeah.

Properly?

Well, until the woman downstairs tells me to get out.

You don't, do you?

Course I don't.

"Check them regularly" - they're not toys!

Then why do you play with them when you're watching CBeebies?

At your age, you should be checking all sorts of things - like your prostate.

I had it checked last week, as it goes. I didn't know you went to the doctor's.

Doctor's? Oh, no, I had it done at Kwik-Fit.

I opted for that instead of the free wheel alignment.

This is not a laughing matter, Lee.

Promise me you'll start checking yourself.

I'd hate for anything happen to you.

Can we draw a line here, please?

What, you want me to do a picture for you?

Of course I know what to do.

Are you sure?

Lucy, don't tell your granny how to...

Actually, bad choice of phrase.

So what do you do?

I...you know, have a...

and see if there's any...

thingies, or anything.

They're struggling with a tag line for the campaign, can we use that?

I'll tell you exactly what you need to do.

First, have a bath, which will soften the skin,

then roll each testicle between the thumb and forefinger,

looking for abnormalities.

Isn't that how Heston Blumenthal makes sponge puddings?

Don't worry, I know this is new territory for you.

I'm think I can work out how to examine myself.

I meant having a bath.

Guess what tomorrow is the anniversary of?

It's exactly ten years since you thought of a conversation opener

that was even remotely interesting.

The anniversary of Daisy and I becoming an item.

Four years to the day. She's baking me a cake.

Lovely. Will you be celebrating on this planet or hers?

You're just jealous cos you haven't got a girlfriend.

Which you would have, of course,

if you hadn't spent the last few years chasing after my sister.

Well, you could at least do your usual and deny it.

I've got other things on my mind. Oh, great. Who now? My mum.

Don't be ridiculous.

It's your dad.

He's been coming round in crotchless panties and he's finally swayed me.

Come on, what's up?

Look, it's probably nothing

but I think I'm a bit...

swollen.

You know...

down there.

What? Since you thought of my dad in crotchless panties?

Not the Bratwurst, the Brussels sprouts.

I was lying in the bath and they seemed a bit...

bigger than... normal

You know that time we went youth-hostelling around North Wales back in the '90s?

And I said you can always tell me anything?

Well, I had my fingers crossed.

How much... bigger?

I don't know.

I'm not sure. I don't know what size they usually are.

Why? Don't you check yourself regularly? Not you, as well!

Am I the only person in Britain with a PlayStation?

You need to see a doctor straight away. I can't. It's embarrassing.

What am I supposed to do, plonk them down and go, "Ooh, how much for those?

"Oh, sorry, I thought you were a greengrocer's!"

Have you told Lucy about this?

Yeah, course I have! "I know you're just my landlady, Lucy,

"but have a butcher's at these beauties. In fact, grab a pen,

"draw some smiley faces on them and we can use them as space hoppers!"

Why would I tell Lucy? Why would you tell me?

Because you're my mate I thought you two were just mates.

She's a woman.

You don't talk to women about stuff like this. You talk to a man.

Having said that, men that order their dry-roasted peanuts

in something called a ramekin are borderline, but you're all I've got.

Just tell her.

Why? Because if you tell her what you've told me,

she'll make you go to the doctor's. I know how it works.

You'd jump through a hoop if she asked you to.

I don't think I could get through a hoop at the moment.

Well? Did you examine yourself in the bath?

Oh, right. It's even replaced hello now, has it?

That Lionel Ritchie song would have been different if you'd have written it.

I did it.

Oh, good. And was everything OK?

You know there's a reason they're called private parts, don't you?

Are you OK?

Course I am.

It was fine. In fact, everything was...

swell.

Well, that's good, isn't it?

A lot of men aren't that mature.

That's why the statistics are so shocking. What statistics?

Each year, approximately 2,000 men are diagnosed with testicular cancer.

Although it's the highest form of cancer for men aged 15-44,

more than 95% of men with testicular cancer are cured.

Thanks for coming for the audition. I don't think you're right for Book At Bedtime!

But, listen, only one in five men check themselves regularly

and if they do find something, half of them don't even go to the doctor's.

Really? It's unbelievable, isn't it?

You wouldn't be one of those idiots, would you? No way.

There's no "I" in idiot.

Anyway, I'll see you in the morning.

I'm glad you've checked yourself, Lee. It's worth doing,

even though you obviously felt a bit of a lemon.

I felt that all right.

? Happy birthday to us ?

? Happy birthday to us ?

? Happy birthday, dear u-us ?

? Happy birthday to us. ?

We're four today!

Oh! Maybe you should give us the bumps.

Or I could just slam the door in your face four times.

We've come round to borrow a baking tin for the cake.

I'm even going to buy four candles.

Well, I hope you have more luck than Ronnie Barker.

Was he one of the Krays?

Talking about cakes, did you tell Lucy about your...

"muffin" problem?

What muffin problem?

Lee's been... baking.

They're a little bigger than expected.

Too much self-raising.

Maybe you're beating them too much.

You should try puncturing them with a fork. Stop now.

Well?

I decided my... "muffins" were perfectly fine

and none of Lucy's business. Or anyone's, for that matter.

Do you want ME to have a look? No, he doesn't.

Well, I don't understand, why can't you tell Lucy?

Because he thinks talking to Lucy about his... "muffins"

makes him less of a man.

Oh, Lee, don't be so silly.

Some of the most famous restaurants in the world are run by men.

Gordon, Jamie...

Ronald...

Come on, Lee, seriously, get it looked at.

It'll be fine.

Why doesn't Tim have a look?

Go on, you're always calling yourself "the bachelor with the spatula".

That is not a bad idea.

You're not serious.

You might put my mind at rest.

I'm not... qualified.

I know, but you might be able to tell me I'm worrying unnecessarily.

You might think my "muffins" are perfectly...

Tasty?

Come on, you keep telling me to get it sorted.

If you say they're not right,

I'll get them looked at by a... professional.

Who?

Mr Kipling.

Oh, does he really exist?

I always thought he was made up.

Like, erm, you know, Florence Nightingale.

I'll tell you what, I'll go back home and make a start on the cake.

You stay here. Looks like you're going to have your hands full.

Are you ready?

This is perverted.

Perverted? It's not perverted, Tim, it's called friendship.

Oh, no, you don't. This was never in the contract.

But then again neither was watching you drive my car into a cesspit,

getting arrested for arson

or having shotgun pellets removed from my back.

Yeah, that was a hell of a morning, wasn't it?

It's not just a case of me showing you my testicles, you know.

Yes, it is. You're covering the other thing up with your hand.

I mean it's more than that.

By showing you my testicles, I am showing you you're my best friend.

Can't we just start hugging?

Look, I've told you, if you think there's something wrong,

I will go to the doctor's.

Please.

OK. But let's establish some ground rules before we do this.

Ground rules? You're not at a pre-op transsexual lap-dancing club.

Oh, I forgot about that. I must add that to the "things Lee's made me do against my wishes" list.

I was drunk. I thought that sign said "chicks with dykes".

I got more than I bargained for when I tucked a tenner into HER knickers.

Rule number one, I'm only looking.

You're damn right you're only looking.

I've seen you checking if avocados are ripe.

I never knew fruit could cough.

And rule number two - we never, ever speak of this again.

To anyone. Not even to each other.

It'll be like it never happened.

I'm asking you to look at my bollocks, not bury a dead hooker!

Keep going. I'll let you know when you've thought of a more disgusting option. You ready?

Just get on with it.

I know I said they were swollen, but you're not going to see them looking over there.

They're absolutely fine, nothing to worry about. Pull your pyjamas up...

What the hell is that?!

What?

Goodness gracious!

Please do not follow that with "great balls of fire".

"Slightly swollen"?

What are you using for underpants these days? A hammock?!

It looks like Right Said Fred sharing one microphone.

Do I need to go to the doctor's?

Doctor's? I'd go via the planetarium.

They might want to make a cast.

All right! What are you looking at, you pervert?!

Come in.

Oh, sorry, I'm looking for Dr Kingsley.

Yes, that's me. Take a seat.

How come you're not a man?

Do you want me to show you on the model?

It's just that... I thought you were going to be a man because of...

what I'm here for.

Why, what's the problem?

When's the man back?

What man?

Any man. He doesn't even have to be fully qualified.

Why don't you just tell me the problem?

I've got this, erm...

friend.

I see.

And what's up with your... friend?

He's worried about the size of my testicles.

HIS testicles!

He thinks they may be a little...

swollen.

Right, well, obviously, I'm going to need do a proper examination of your... friend.

What do you think it could it be?

Varicoceles, pellagra, epididymitis.

Very hard to say.

Yeah. Why do they keep insisting on using those Latin words?

I meant without looking. They can all cause the testicles to swell.

Actually, in the case of varicoceles, they can also cause them to shrink.

Shrink?

That's a good point. I hadn't thought of that.

Maybe my friend's got shrunken testicles?

I thought your... friend's testicles were swollen.

I'm not talking about that friend.

I'm talking about my other friend - my real friend, Tim.

The one with the swollen ones is more of an acquaintance.

Hardly surprising - he keeps showing me his swollen testicles.

The thing is, if my real friend Tim

had a condition which made his testicles shrink,

he would think everyone else's testicles,

particularly my acquaintance, were too big.

Do all your friends have testicle problems?

No. Just the men.

I'm telling you, the doctor said my friend might have something called varicoceles,

which causes them to shrink.

Friend? What friend?

Come on, Tim, let's stop all this friend nonsense.

We both know we're talking about you.

There's nothing wrong with me. It's you with the problem,

which you'd have found out if you'd let the doctor examine you.

A female doctor should not be examining a man's testicles.

Especially pretty ones.

Trust me, there was nothing pretty about your... You know what I mean.

Come on, Tim, there's no harm in getting yourself checked out.

No point being immature about this.

If yours have shrunk, you need to know.

They can't shrink!

Listen, Mother Teresa was 6ft 4 when she was 19.

I know mine haven't shrunk because, unlike you, I examine them regularly.

And I know they're always the same size. What if you were born with it? Born with it?

What if you were born with tiny testicles? I was.

They went so well with my tiny feet and tiny toes, it was a matching set.

Maybe I was born with these and I've never noticed.

If you were born with those, the midwife must have thought you were triplets!

What are you doing?

I am Googling "men's testicles" to see what the average looks like.

Find out once and for all which one of us has got the problem.

Oh, great.

I come round for a cup of tea, instead I get gay porn.

Shouldn't that plumber be wearing some sort of safety equipment?

Clothes, for a start.

Why's that one doing that?

Don't know. Maybe he's hungry.

There you go.

Look at the size of those beauties! They're no different to mine.

That's somebody's chin.

I'll try a different site. No, you won't. I'm going to get that tea.

Hello. I brought this back. Well, the cake was a disaster.

I tried to make an upside-down cake, but I turned it over twice

without thinking, and it ended up being the right way up.

I think I'm more of a fruitcake person.

You know you and Tim have been together for four years? Yeah.

What was the longest relationship you had before that? About a year.

Right, and in comparison to that other relationship,

was there anything you noticed different about Tim when you started going out with him?

Well, Tim was a lot more grown up.

Right. How old was the other one?

Six.

Six?

Yeah, yeah, they used to call me the cradle-snatcher.

How old were you?

Seven.

I'm talking about proper serious relationships.

Um, he asked me to run away with him and live on the moon...

I'd say that's fairly serious.

What about grown-up relationships? In comparison to other boyfriends,

was there anything - specifically a couple of things...

that were a different... size to what you were used to?

Oh, is this about his ears again? Oh, you know he's sensitive.

It's not like he keeps going on about you with your big nose.

I haven't got a big nose.

All right, well, it's not like he keeps going on about you and your tiny face.

Will you get it into your head that it's you with the problem, not me?!

How do you know?

Be honest, how many testicles have you actually seen in your life? Enough.

I'm a member of a gym. I've got eyes like a hawk. Why not? You've got balls like a sparrow.

Birds don't have testicles.

Come to think of it, they did have in that lap-dancing club.

And you're honestly telling me

you've checked out other blokes in the gym?

Course not. Right, well, there's only one thing for it.

This is ridiculous.

No, it's not.

We're going to find out who the abnormal one is by spending an hour in here

checking out other blokes when they get naked.

It doesn't sound so bad when you say it like that.

And how do you think we're going to survive in here for an hour?

It's over 80 degrees.

We can pop out for cold showers.

Oh, good. So, if member of staff asks us what we're doing,

we say, "We're checking out naked men, then having cold showers"?

Oh, Tim, I forgot to say,

the woman on reception said no towels allowed in the sauna.

Looks like we're going to have to take them off.

That's odd. Why can't you have towels in a sauna?

Don't know.

Something to do with...

terrorism.

It'd be very easy to conceal something under these towels.

That's the idea, isn't it?

It's for your own safety.

How would you feel if I suddenly whipped my towel off and came at you, weapon in hand?

And why didn't the receptionist mention this to me?

She probably thought you were a regular.

Oh, and what are you? An extra-large?

Funny you should say that.

I'm not taking my towel off.

Listen, it's not good for you, keeping it all wrapped up like that.

It's like broccoli. It'll go all limp.

Much better to let it steam.

Yeah. Much nicer.

Al dente.

I think I'll just leave you two boys to it.

Ohhh... I'm in some sort of Swedish nightmare.

No wonder the Scandinavians have such a high rate of suicide.

I always thought it was something to do with IKEA.

Oh, Tim, I forgot to say...

Don't tell me. Let me guess.

Did the woman on reception say we weren't allowed towels in the sauna,

in case Al-Qaeda were hiding under there cooking broccoli?

Something like that, yeah.

Oh, it's no towels, is it?

You two keeping yours on, then?

No. Course not.

Go on, then.

You first.

Come on, lads. We're all adults.

Bagsy you first.

I said it before you.

You didn't say "bagsy". It doesn't count if you don't say "bagsy".

Both at the same time?

OK.

One, two, three...

How's your mum?

Fine. How's yours?

Dead. Oh, yeah.

You ready?

Yeah.

Just like mine. Yes!

Well done, mate. On your...

They're smashing.

Oh, my God!

Why's Lee looking at this sort of stuff?

Hiya. Hello.

Where have you been?

If said I'd spent the last three hours checking out other bloke's crotches, would you believe me?

Just a joke.

What?

Do you want to come and sit down?

Is there anything you want to tell me?

Oh, I see.

Tim told you, didn't he?

You told Tim?

Yeah, he's been helping me out.

How?

You know damn well how. "You show me yours, I'll show you mine."

Going to the sauna together, checking out other blokes.

So... how long have you known?

Since you told me to have a feel in the bath the other day.

If you turn yourself on, it doesn't mean you're gay.

Gay?!

Oh, my God!

I'm swollen.

Not because I'm looking at that!

My testicles are bigger than normal.

I found out the other day in the bath.

THAT and the sauna was just research to find out what was the norm.

Oh. And believe you me,

after a 24-0 thrashing, I am not the norm.

You looked at 24 blokes?

Well, 12, but it was two points for each.

So have you been to see a doctor? Yeah.

And what did they say? I didn't let them examine me.

Why? I don't know.

Fear, embarrassment, shame.

Oh, Lee, you've got nothing to be ashamed of.

Well, that's not true, but finally, for once, you don't need to be ashamed.

You've got to go back and have a proper examination.

Come on, book an appointment now.

I'll come with you.

All right.

But a young woman should not be looking at a man's bits.

Especially an attractive one.

I'm not coming in, I'll wait outside.

Yeah, all right, bighead. I meant the doctor.

Everything's going to be OK, you know.

How do you know? You haven't seen the size of them.

I can feel it.

They're bigger than I thought.

Read a magazine. It'll take your mind off things.

Nuts?

Dr Jenkins said he'll be with you in a moment.

He? I thought you said you found this doctor good looking.

It was a woman last time.

It WAS! Dr Kingsley phoned in sick this morning.

She'll be off for a few days, so you'll be seeing a locum today.

Will you please get this idea out of your head that I might be gay?

Sorry for the delay. Would you like to come this way?

Am I all right like this?

Or do you want me naked again, like last time?

Hydrocele? I've never even heard of it.

Sounds like something you get at B&Q. Well, it doesn't matter whether you've heard of it or not,

what's important is that it's not serious. Let's look at the key words, shall we?

Excess, fluid, remove, needle, scrotum.

It might not be serious, but it's not crazy golf, either.

Did the doctor say what might have caused it? No.

Apparently, it can happen to anyone at any time.

Especially...

middle-aged men.

Aw, Lee, you've reached a milestone!

Shall we have a party?

Actually, we could have a BALL.

Don't make me use them as a weapon.

Surprise!

I made you both some profiteroles.

I've never made them before.

I didn't know what size to make, so I compared them to my friend Emma's.

She said she thought they were too big,

but I think hers were just too small.