All language subtitles for Not Going Out s05e02 Dads.eng

Do you ever empty that dishwasher?

I'm not the one
that keeps filling it up.

What's this?

T-Mobile?

Why are you hiding the phone?

Because I didn't
want YOU answering it.

Tim wants to come round and watch
the cricket. I hate cricket.

Well, why doesn't he
just watch it on his own TV?

Daisy just got rid of it. Why?

Because it was high-definition.

She said all that clarity
was affecting her brain.

Don't answer it.

Stop being selfish
and let him in!

Football's on. Chorley are playing
in the Leyland DAF Cup against Frickley Athletic.

If we win, we're in the final.

Are we? I didn't realise.
What position do you want ME in?

Don't!

It's all right, forget about it.

It's only a semi.

Only? At your age,
I'd count your blessings.

My beautiful son!

Oh, my God, say it's not true!

Shocking injuries, aren't they?

Oh, I didn't even spot the injuries.

Before you start
worrying about me...

I'm not worried.
..I'm not going to die.

OK, now I'm worried.

There's something
I want to tell you.

A piece of important advice, save
you ending up like your old dad.

Go on!

Never go out
with your shoelaces undone.

So, you tripped?

No, I bent over to tie them
and a bus hit me.

Thanks for the advice.
Aren't you going to let me in?

I don't think
that's a good idea, do you?

Just for five minutes, son.

It doesn't work, does it -
me and you in the same room together?

It's like putting a chicken
in a room with a...

well, with an alcoholic man who keeps
trying to borrow money off it.

Two minutes, then. I'm sorry, Dad.

And where does he sit?

I know what you're thinking, but
I'm not after your money, I swear.

If I'm lying,
may God strike me down.

God HAS struck you down!

Good point.

In that case, can you give me
a tenner for the cab?

Here's 20.
Take him back where you found him.

He's only having a joke with you,
pal.

Keep the change.

Hey! Where are you going?!

You can't leave him there.
Technically that's fly tipping.

Oi!

Oh, Frank, you poor man.

I know, love. I've been stuck
in that hospital for three weeks,

propped up,
just drooling in front of the TV.

You can't imagine what it were like.

I think he can.

At one point, they considered
switching the machine off.

Yeah, I tried that.

He just watches his reflection
in the screen.

Then the hospital said they needed
a bed, so they chucked me out.

Can we do anything?
Well, there's a convalescent home

said they can take me from Monday.
So, I just need a bed for two days.

Two days?
Before, it was two minutes.

What's the difference?

Er, two days, actually.

I can understand
what you're feeling.

God knows, I haven't done enough
to earn your respect over the years.

But I want to promise you,
here and now...

I'll not walk out on you this time.

I know you won't,
that's the bloody problem!

Lee! It's all right, love. I can
tell I'm not welcome in your home.

I'll see myself out.

Don't be silly, Dad.

I can wheel you out.

Agh! Agh! The pain.
He needs help, Lee.

It's all right, Lucy, love.

I'll get some pain relief
when I'm homeless.

I've heard there's people
in back alleys selling drugs.

Lee, can I have a word, please? Yes.

In private!

Where's your compassion?
Have you forgotten what he's like?

This is the man who cleaned bird poo
off his car with my school uniform.

Oh that's not that bad.

I was still wearing it.

I'm chucking him out now!
OK, here's your choice.

Either you go and tell him
he can stay for two nights,

or I tell him
he can stay for two weeks.

You can't do that. Yes, I can.
It's my flat.

You're the lodger.

Have you any idea what it's like

spending your life having someone
just sponging off you?

It was rhetorical!

Right, Dad. You can stay.
Two days, max.

But then you go to the convalescent
home. Do you understand?

Dad! There's something
I want you to do for me, son.

Can you wipe this tear of joy
from my eye?

It depends. Can you catch the vomit
rising in my throat?

I'll go to the chemist
and get you some painkillers, Frank.

Thanks, love. You're both very kind.

I'm filling up.

You've already said.

No, I mean I need the toilet.

Argh! Oh, great.

I go through that trauma,
then you say you can't go.

It's not easy
with someone staring at you.

Staring? Trust me, Dad, I spent the
whole time with my eyes tightly shut.

Is that why it took you
ten minutes to find it?

If it makes you feel better,
Dad, yeah.

Right, I'm going to put some bleach
on my hands.

Stay there, Lucy will be back
with your painkillers in a minute.

Nice girl, that Lucy.
Is she still single?

Yeah.

Might have a go meself.

You what?

What I've learned recently is to
live every day as if it's your last.

I've had the face of death
bearing down on me.

That doesn't mean
she wants it bearing down on HER.

Oh, here she is,
Florence Nightingale.

These should take
the pain away, Frank.

But they're very, very strong,
so only take one at a time.

Oh, don't listen to her.
Knock yourself out!

Oh, he won't need water.

Well, how am I going
to swallow that? It's huge.

You're not going to swallow it.
It's a suppository.

There you go, Dad. She did go to
a back-alley drug dealer after all.

Well, I'm glad you're taking this
so calmly, Lee.

You'll have to administer it.

I have already touched the eel,
I'm going nowhere near the starfish.

Come on, what's the worst possible
thing you could find up there?

My hand!

Are you going to do it or not?
Depends. On what?

Has our hoover got a blow function?
No. Well, then, I'm not doing it.

Which is a relief for me AND Henry.

The sooner you do it,
the sooner it's over.

You are supposed to be an absent
father - you have let me down again.

Well?

Can you give us a bit of space?

Why, are you planning
on taking a run up?

OK, I need to nip out
for a few hours anyway.

Will you still be in
when I get back?

Not unless he's got
a very powerful clench reflex.

Just make sure you do it.

Come on, Son. Pull your finger out!

Where are you going?

Putting on gloves.

How far are you planning
on pushing it?

I don't want to taste it
as well, you know.

You're putting in a pill, you're
not taking out a rack of lamb.

Haven't you got Marigolds?

You still get
the sensation of touch in Marigolds.

Well, you're not using those.

You're lucky I'm not looking for
my snooker cue and some old Blu-Tack.

Look, I'm sorry, Dad.
I can't go through with this.

Well, somebody's got to do it.
You heard the lady.

Tim! Great to hear from you, mate.

So, let me be absolutely clear
what you're asking me here.

OK.

You're asking me
to come round to your flat

and watch the cricket.

Yep.

And that's it? Absolutely.

Why am I getting the distinct
feeling there's a "but" involved?

You're too late, you should have
picked up the phone earlier.

Daisy and I are going to my dad's
to listen on the radio.

And it starts soon,
so I'll see you later.

Well, why not bring Daisy round too?

And your dad.
It'll be good company for MY dad.

Your dad?
Oh, sorry, didn't I mention?

He suddenly turned up this morning.
Really? How is he?

Same as ever - plastered.

Him and your dad will get on great.

Come on, Lee.
What's this really about?

OK, there is something.

What it is is...

I'm really envious of
your relationship with your father.

And I just think me and my dad
could learn something from it.

Well, why didn't you say that
to begin with?

I didn't think of it.

If you and your dad
are having relationship problems,

of course I'll help. Thanks.

To use cricketing terms, you're
asking me to step up to the crease.

And I won't let you down.

Right, come in, everybody.
Make yourself at home.

What's happened to your dad?

Oh, my God!
He was fine when I left him.

Well, I'm not surprised.

Apparently accidents in the home
are getting worse and worse.

He was hit by a bus.
Yeah, I rest my case.

Where have you been?
You've been ages.

You left him here in the flat on
his own? Are you out of your mind?

I appreciate your concern,
but he can't move

and I hid all the valuables,
so I think I was safe.

Geoffrey, this is my father, Frank.

Fancy a snifter, Frank? That's very
generous of you, Geoffrey.

Er... He's fine, thanks.
He's the designated driver.

Oh, come on. I'm sure your father
could do with a loosener.

Actually, er,
you might have a point.

It's a bit early for whisky, isn't
it, Dad? I'll stick the kettle on.

Having said that, if you want
whisky, that's fine, Father.

It's important
we respect each other's wishes.

That's the secret
of a great father-son relationship.

If you ever hit me again, I suggest
you give it your best shot.

Then again, I suspect you just did.

Tim thinks it's wrong of me
to drink in the daytime.

Lee's exactly the same
with me and prostitutes.

Can we please try
and keep it civilised, Dad?

Oh, I'm sorry. It's a delight
to meet you all. Charmed, I'm sure.

And now that we're acquainted,
which one of you

is going to be sticking a pill
up my arsehole today?

I beg your pardon?

Ignore him.
The medication's affecting him.

I wish.
If we have to wait any longer,

I'm going to grab a mirror
and some barbecue tongues.

I'm going to help Tim with the tea.

Thanks for coming round, mate.
I really appreciate it.

Seeing how you and your dad interact,
it's a real lesson

in what a father and son should be.
Thanks.

I sometimes look
at your father and I think,

"How does that man's son manage
to escape the vicious clutches

"of his upbringing and become
a decent civilised human being?"

And then I look at you
and I realise...

it's hard.

Well, for what it's worth, I think
it's mainly down to your efforts

that you and your dad get on so well.

Really? Yeah. You're
a very unselfish person, Tim.

You'll always do anything
for anybody.

I suppose I am always willing
to go that extra yard.

Imagine if it was a few inches,
you probably wouldn't bat an eyelid.

Exactly! If there's anything
I can do for either you or your dad,

just let me know.

Well, there is something, actually.

Name it.

Oh, nothing special. Just help him
with the remote control,

keep him company,
read the newspaper to him,

stick this up his bottom,
make him a cup of tea.

Goodbye.

Well, if it's such a big deal,

I'LL make the tea.

I should have known.
This is nothing to do with learning to communicate with your father.

You just thought
you'd butter me up first.

Good idea. I'll get the Lurpak.

Daisy, Dad, we're leaving.
We've only just got here.

I just found out the real reason
Lee asked us round.

Oh, is it not for the cricket?

No. More like potholing.

What?

Oh, for goodness sake,
can you just spit it out?

Well, I can,
but HE won't be able to.

I need a suppository. And what's
the problem? What's the problem?!

I'm not doing it! And he won't do it
because he's got some sort of a weird psychological fear of his dad.

Indoor voices, Tim. Sorry.

Right, well, this is easily fixed.
Give it here. Dad!

Oh, for goodness sake, Timothy,

it's not going to bite me.

It's only a mouth with no teeth.

When I was in the Army, we did
this sort of thing all the time.

That's disgusting. Why?
You were in catering.

Thanks, Geoffrey. Make sure
he doesn't steal your watch.

Right, I think we should leave
these two to get better acquainted.

Right, Frank. What's the simplest
way of going about this business?

Well, I can hold my own weight
for a bit, Geoffrey,

then I'll be clenching.

Best if I get down on my knees then,
I should think. >

Do you want to turn the radio on?
Good idea.

? The only way is up... ?

A good pair of hands,
that second slip.

He's not the only one.

You could learn a lot
from this man, Lee.

This man, who shoved his finger
up my back passage

without a thought
for his own safety.

Very brave! A man's backside
is no place for a chicken.

Do you mind
if we just focus on the cricket?

Don't worry,
he'll soon lose interest.

He was like this with my mum
at first. Full of affection,

but soon as he'd put a ring
on her finger, everything changed.

What are you shaking your head at?

What you made my father do
was disgusting.

It would have been more disgusting
if your dad had done it for you.

How do you work that out? Because
I know what you're like with pills.

You'd have had
to mash them up with jam first.

Good point.
What do you reckon, Geoffrey?

I'll tell you what I reckon,
since you ask.

It's a pretty poor state of affairs
when a son can't step up

and help out his old father.
You tell him, Geoffrey.

Tim and I might have
our differences occasionally

but I know he's there for me
when it matters.

If I needed help, he wouldn't
hesitate, would you, Tim?

You don't need help, do you?
No. Wouldn't hesitate for a second.

That's beautiful, that.
Why can't you be more like Tim?

I HAVE helped you.
I've given you a place to stay.

It's not yours, it's Lucy's.
I'm looking after him.

You went to the pub
and didn't come back for two hours.

You what? You once went to the pub
and didn't come back for two bloody years.

Sometimes I wonder
if Lee wishes I was dead.

Don't be silly, Dad.
I stopped thinking like that

when Jim'll Fix It ended.

How on earth can you talk
to your father like that

when he's in such a state?
It's a disgrace.

Geoffrey's right,
you should be ashamed of yourself.

I doubt
whether he's capable of shame.

Says the man who volunteered to stick
his fingers up my dad's bum. It's more than you've ever done for me.

What about all those years I spent
bringing you up? Totally wasted.

I remember the years you spent
bringing me up totally wasted.

And that's why
I'm not putting up with it now.

What are you doing?

I think YOU
need a breath of fresh air.

I don't need a breath of ANY air.

That can be arranged too.
Say goodbye, you're leaving.

Agh! Where are you taking me?

Back to the hospital.
I've told you, they're full.

Maybe the Maternity Ward will have
you back. It's only been 68 years.

Is there nothing I can say
that'll make you help me?

Yeah, two words.
"Assisted" and "suicide".

Where are you going?

Did you give him that suppository?
Yes.

No. He got your dad to do it.

My dad?

I never asked him to,
he volunteered!

Volunteered?

Well, he put his hand up.

Oh, what's the point? You're not
capable of compassion, are you, Lee?

I'm sorry, Frank.

I'm sorry for both of you.

You've messed up there,
haven't you, son?

What do you mean?
You know exactly what I mean.

You think the world of her,
it's obvious.

That was an opportunity
to get you closer together.

If there's one thing I know,
it's that a woman needs to be

with someone she considers as a
thoughtful and compassionate person.

What are you saying? I'm saying if
you hadn't been a bastard with me,

you could have been banging her
by now. Taxi!

Whatever you're looking for, Lee,

you won't find it
at the bottom of a glass.

So, what are you doing here?

Looking for a beer mat.

Don't worry about Lucy,
she'll come round.

When I was 11, I accidentally stood
on her My Little Pony set

and broke it.
I thought she'd never forgive me.

But she will do one day.

So, are you going to visit your dad
in hospital?

No. That's it this time. It's over.

I'll never hear from him again.

Hello, son.

For a man with no power of movement,
you get around quite a bit, don't you?

You're like Stephen Hawking after
he's had too much Sunny Delight.

Can we talk?

I'll leave you alone
for a few minutes.

Can you give us 20, Tim?
20 minutes, fine.

No, 20 quid for the cab.

What do you want, Dad?

That's very kind of you.

A pint of mild
and a packet of peanuts.

Aren't you allergic to peanuts?

Don't they make your neck swell up
and restrict your breathing?

No. You can forget
the peanuts, then.

Look, I don't want to be responsible
for spoiling your happiness.

I just want to help sort things out
between you and Lucy.

How? By us pretending to get on.

Pretending?
Just take me back in for two nights.

And I'll spend all that time telling
Lucy what a great son you are.

All the wonderful things
you've done for me.

By the time I go
in the convalescent home,

she'll think very highly of you.

Well...?

I suppose it's worth a try.

You won't regret this, Lee.
Give us a hug.

Yeah, let's not, eh, Dad?
You're right.

Anyway, in my condition,
it'll probably finish me off.

Come here, you old bugger!

Thanks for coming round, everyone.

I just wanted to make up
for the other day.

You'll be pleased to hear Lee and
his dad are getting on brilliantly.

You're certainly being
a better host this time.

Yeah, and Dad's
the perfect hostess... trolley.

Ah, Frank,
you've surpassed yourself.

Oh, not again.

So, you enjoying yourself, Dad?

Yes, son.
It's the best weekend of my life.

It's only when you're in danger
of losing something,

you realise how special it is.

Sorry, a bit embarrassing,
showing my soft side.

I think my dad's already seen that.

I can't thank you enough, our Lee.

I'm glad you're getting better.

And it's all down to you, son.

He's really been looking after me.

He's been sticking them pills up
left, right and centre.

Well, centre.

It brought a tear to my eye.

He's a good man, Lucy. A decent man.

A physically attractive man.

He thinks the world of you,
you know.

So, Lee, what's brought on
this new attitude towards your dad?

Well, it was seeing
how you and Geoffrey interacted.

It's a good lesson about
a father and son relationship. What's the secret, Geoffrey?

Let them know who's boss.

That's what's missing from
modern parenting, a good firm hand.

Don't listen to him.

He's got hands
as soft as a princess.

I shook Princess Anne's hand once.

That wasn't soft.
It was very leathery.

Was it? Yeah.

Probably why she kept her gloves on.

I used to want grandchildren,
but some days it seems like a mercy.

Seeing as Dad's off to
the convalescent home in the morning,

I want to say,
"Here's to a speedy recovery

"and here's to you, Dad."

Bottoms up!

Cheers!

Credit where it's due.
It's taken you a while

but you finally did right
by your father. Well done, Lee.

You don't know half.
We've been getting on so well,

do you know what else he did? What?

You won't believe this. He offered
me to stay here as long as I like.

Eh?

I said no, of course.
I couldn't impose.

I mean, I could be ill for months.

But, he made the offer,
didn't you, son?

I did, yeah.

Said he'd really look after me.

Have a ramp fitted.
Isn't that right?

That's what I said, yep.

Ah, Lee, that's so sweet.

Like I said, I turned him down,

but he made the offer,
didn't you, son?

I did. And I meant it.

Did you? I did.

Really? Really.

Well, I've changed my mind.
The answer's yes!

What? I'll stay for the full three
months, until I can walk again.

Oh, that's so beautiful.

I think I'm going to cry.

Unfortunately, though,
it's not my flat. It's Lucy's.

So, it's not for me
to be offering people free board.

Oh, Lee. Of course he can stay!

You've got me going now.

Me too. Blimey, look at me!

It's the end of Finding Nemo
all over again.

I really love you, Lee!

I've seen many things in my time

but witnessing
those two low-life reprobates

climb out of their self-made mire
of distrust

and behave like normal humans

is genuinely moving.

I think you're the only one
not crying, Lee.

Oh, I'm getting close to it.

I don't think that's exactly
what was agreed, was it, Dad?

No, it wasn't. But if I told this
lot the exact words that were used,

I'd only embarrass you,
wouldn't I, son?

Well...?

Great. Stay as long as you like.

I think it's so wonderful that Lee's
offered you a ramp and free board.

It is. It is. I didn't even know
you did skate boarding.

Oh, this is so lovely.
Go on, give your dad a hug.

I don't trust myself. I'd probably
end up squeezing him to death.

What a lovely thing to say!

I can go one better.

I want to get an axe
and cut him up in to little pieces,

put him in a jar
and keep him for ever.

Oh, I love it!

That's beautiful.
I really, really love you, son.

Come here.

I think that suppository's
finally kicking in.

So, he was never
even near a hospital?

No. Apart from when he went
to steal that wheelchair.

Knowing him, there was probably
someone still in it.

And that so-called cab driver
that dropped him off

was actually his mate.
He's really a plasterer.

Well, that explains
who did his arms and legs.

I've seen a better cast
on Midsomer Murders.

Did he really do all that
just for free board and lodgings?

Yep. Who'd have thought?

What? An ingenuity
for freeloading being genetic.

Anyway, well done
for giving it your best shot.

You didn't know
there was any faking going on.

You sound like
an old girlfriend of mine.

No, I mean it, Lee. It was nice
seeing you make the effort with him.

I tell you what. Why don't I have
a go at filling that dishwasher?

No, please. I've just seen a man
stand up from a wheelchair,

that's enough miracles
for one night.

It's OK. I insist.

OK, but don't forget
to stick a tablet in.

On second thoughts, you do it.